Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 428: In Studio with Eli & Heath

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Just go to AdamandEve.com and type in GLORY, that's G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout, and you'll get 50% off almost any item, a free sex swing, and free shipping. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hill studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode i don't know why it's what's happening right now i don't feel every episode we blast anyone who gets in their way we bring critical thinking skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political

and there is no welcome at this is episode 428 cognitive dis Distance and we are joined in studio Cecil there is a guest at the glory hole for each of us this is the first time we haven't had to double team him I don't know that we've ever had two guests dibs on Heath god damn it dibs on Tom and Cecil

poor Eli no one wants to have to reach into the hole and pull it out my dick's chasing me. Is that three quarter inch drywall? Because we're going to need to make a second hole. That's not. I'm never going to get through both sides. You're the one that spit on my dick and it drowned.

It's not great. Welcome to the glory hole, gentlemen. Thank you. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for having us. Keith, ready to be funny on the spot. Here we go. It's about to happen.

Three, two, one, go. Go. Three-way daisy chain is going great. Everybody likes it. Suck it. Alright, let's go through some stories. We're going to talk about a little bit of politics. Let's start with Alex Jones.

Did you change that up on me? I did. I changed it up a little. This is Angel's Envy, by the way. Should we have more of that? We should have more of that. We should have more of that. This is really good. Eli, you can watch us enjoy our lives. Here's how it works. We got a nice gift

from the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm guys today. They bought us Angel's Envy. I'm going to pour you first. One third of the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm, guys. I watched. I was there. Alright, here we go. Cecil, you need a touch?

Snifter? I'm going slow. I'm real slow. Let's talk about this story. It's from PolitiFact.com. Why InfoWars Alex Jones was banned from Apple, Facebook, YouTube, and Spotify. Other than that, though, he is killing it. And the reason is

freedom of speech, right? That's right. People hate freedom of speech. People are afraid of the truth. You could have Dave Rubin come out and tell us, give us a lecture. A very short lecture. Right, yeah. Aren't there 12 points from Jordan Peterson we can talk to about this

on two? I think there's a whole thing of things. I would pay a million dollars to watch Alex Jones make his bed. Wait, what? That's not human intelligence! He's just stuck in a fitted sheet. I'm a man!

Slowly smothers like an Asian baby. What? Read a book. Really? That's how most babies die. In Asia. In Asia. Yeah.

They leave the fan on, Tom. I read it on a yik-yik. That's how they do it. Okay. All right. Because of breastfeeding. You need to breastfeed or you have SIDS. It's just one or the other.

Those are the two options. Apparently, I got that wrong recently, but it's something close to what I said. So, this is actually a bit of a misnomer. So, Alex Jones was not actually banned from these platforms, but some of his content was taken down. First of all, that's not the fucking same thing as being banned from something. Being banned is you're gone and you can't come back. Having some of your awful shit taken down is we've edited the content

that you have already put it up, but the rest of your shit is freely fucking available. It's not even as bad as a ban. When I post my regular Wednesday morning dick pic to Facebook, they take it down, but they haven't taken my whole profile down. Tom, they've never found that pic.

They've looked real hard. I don't want to run into that maximum file size, so that's why I go dick. It's like four pixels. How is that possible? I'm Japanese. Whatever. Fuck you. I'm an 8-bit dick. Nintendo dick. But you know what's interesting

is Twitter has come out recently and they're like, yeah, we're not taking anything down. It's Twitter. It's the wild west of saying shit. Well, he went on the internet to claim he got banned from the internet i feel like that i read that on the internet and then it was exactly i'm actually looking at the internet right now to talk about this he's still perfectly free to post anything he wants on his website like all this freedom of speech shit that they keep pointing

out they keep on saying oh for you and i i've seen tons of these threads on Twitter and on Facebook where people keep on saying the same thing. Oh, it's freedom of speech. They're infringing on freedom of speech. He still has every right to post all that same stuff that he's always had. Does this not beg the question, though, like, are we at a place where these free services are as close to the town square as is reasonable? So like, do we now, can we, and I'm asking the question, I don't believe it, but I think it's a good question to ask. Do we have a sort of de facto right to these platforms?

Are we saying, because if you're a free speech advocate saying that getting kicked off of these platforms hinders your ability to spread your message in a way that means you don't have free speech does that then mean that we have a fundamental right to these platforms is that not the logical extension of that kind of and it's saying that if your platform gets so good you get that responsibility now you have to let alex jones on if if your twitter thing becomes big

enough now you have to let him on i feel like that's unreasonable too that's a great point like at what point threshold of success with your platform now you have to let them on? I feel like that's unreasonable, too. That's a great point. Like, at what point? Like, you pass a threshold of success with your platform, now you have to let assholes on? So you come up with the next big social media thing, and then at some point, something, something, you pass a line. And then it's like, you know, you're now a quasi-governmental entity, right? Because, like, freedom of speech only applies to governmental interference. So then does that mean that private companies then are held to the same standard as governmental? You know what I mean? Like this is a weird space that we're in now.

I don't believe anyone who says they think this like violates his freedom of speech. I don't, I just don't think they actually believe it. Do you not? Because I think they do believe it. No, I think they haven't thought it through, but I think they believe. No, I, at this point,

I don't, I've seen too many of the same bad actors make the same argument over and over and over again. The people who just get paid to be sort of centrist or right wing policy wonks. And look, the assholes who follow them on Twitter, the same three guys that reply to every fucking thing that you and i ever put out yeah those guys believe it because they're fucking

stupid right and that's and that's the other thing we don't want to talk about it but like ben shapiro makes content for fucking stupid people he gets paid by the coke brothers millions of dollars to sell white supremacy to stupid people who think white supremacy only means hoods and Nazi uniforms, right? They don't think it means supremacy of white people. The thing about this Jones thing is it's just another one, right? Like, it's just their latest fucking People magazine example. And then next week, they'll be like, NFL players shouldn't be allowed to sit down

during the special happy time dance that we introduced to get lower middle class families to join our kill time. They don't fucking believe it. They don't fucking believe it. And here's the thing. Wait a minute. Can we circle back to the happy time dance? Wait a minute.

I don't watch football, but if there's kill time happy hour, I am changing my stance. Those robots doing it. I would get into that. Do you remember Robo Baseball? Do you remember the game Robo Baseball? For Nintendo. Where you could pick a robot. The robot played baseball.

And if like they threw it to first base, your robot could just fight the other robot. I do remember this. I love that game. It was like chess, but with it's like that fighting chess. It's like that fighting chess, but with baseball.

I remember it. It was the only sports game I would ever play, and still to date, I will never play it, because like, it's like... I want baseball to be more like Rock'em Sock'em Robots, or else I'm not fun to play. You don't want

that? I know, I mean, like, it's... Who doesn't want a motorcycle robot to fight a tank outfielder, or whatever that is? And then somebody wins. So that's how you score points. That's America to me. I've got to.

I've got to. Oh, my God. Major League Baseball plus Hugh Jackman gets punched by a robot. I feel like that's a boring, boring game right now. If they want to live it back up. There you go. Absolutely. Steals home.

Bam. He just goes right out of the stadium. He gets punched so hard by a robot. All sports could use more violence. I'm just saying, like, tennis? It's already pretty easy to jerk off to that, but put some knives

on the end of those rackets. The Williams sisters would still dominate, so not that much would change. It'd be great. I'm not saying I would watch more sports if they were all fighting sports. Anti-Semitism, talking about Dave Rubin before. All right, so I'm at a loss of how to bring this back to Alex Jones.

I do want to say, you know, I was thinking about this earlier. One of the things I was thinking is like, you know, while they may or may not, and like you said, you pointed out very rightly that they didn't ban him. They just took some of his stuff down. So some of it's still there.

What I want to say is like he didn't get banned like from Instagram or Snapchat. You know, there's all these other places that you go. Pinterest. He is still on Pinterest. Could you imagine a Snapchat? He is still on Pinterest. Is he on Pinterest?

There's an Infowars Pinterest and it is fucking everything because it is the terrible vitamin poisons that he sells to people. But it's also occasionally just like, hey, brothers and sisters, this is a great way to decorate your living room. Because it's run by someone doing his voice. I'm sure it's not him, but it is someone being like, I want that job so hard. Oh, my God. I would I would I will walk away from my 401k tomorrow for that job.

To run Alex Jones's Pinterest. Oh my God. What a job. I don't even have Pinterest. I don't even really know what Pinterest does. Jew lizards that run the media. Dream wedding. Baking ideas.

I'm blown away that he has a Pinterest page. That's amazing. I have got to find that. I was going to point out too, like Reddit is another place that he's not. I mean, he's not banned there. That's amazing. I have got to find that. I was going to point out too, like Reddit is another place that he's not, I mean, he's not banned there. You could go point, like all of these other ways.

He's got MySpace. Yeah, he's got Play. Wait a minute. Can I ask? You can find him on Bing. Has he still been banned from 4chan? Nothing's banned from 4chan. Does Reddit ban people?

Like what's their terms of, like they can ban a subreddit. You know, like, you can... Can they really get rid of a whole... Yeah, I've seen it happen. Yeah, it's happened a couple times. Most of them are, like, pedophile ones. Like, they'll get rid of those.

Or fat-shaming ones. The fat-shaming one they got rid of, too. That's right. That's a line they drew. Yeah. Wait a minute. They had a fat-shaming... Like, people are like, you know what I haven't done enough of?

What was it called? I don't know. It was like... Backslash bitch tits. It was fat or something? The explicit purpose of it was like backslash bitch tits. Fat, fat, fat, fat or something. The explicit purpose of it was go join this progress pictures Reddit, then download the pictures,

put them here, and we'll roast the people who are getting positive comments. Yeah, I vaguely remember this. Here on our roast thread. And then some people were like, hey, this is so much fun. Let's go over to the progress pictures thing

and just write the mean comments there. Hold on a second. I just want to make sure I understand. So people were mean to each other online. On the internet. On the internet. On the internet. Yep.

On purpose. That needed to be banned. On purpose. Oh, they weren't able to contain it into one space of mean? They totally banned it too. The two arguments being made, and we should talk about them, right?

Two arguments being made. This first is slippery slope. Yeah. Right? Which is, first they came for alex jones who harassed the family members of children who were killed and had to move and wanted to dox their public address and then they'll and then of course because they're tweeting at us they go and then they'll come for you and like do we even need to address that it's called the slippery slope fallacy for a reason but the way to try to get the way that I've been trying to get people to think of this as a way to sort of see.

Say the word fallacy whenever you want. Do we really want to address the hard facts fallacy, guys? Do we really want to address the scientific consensus fallacy or the moral decency fallacy? Guys, that one, we're going down that road. The way I argue it is, okay, imagine gay marriage has just been approved and you're talking to Rick or you're

talking to Alex Jones. You're talking to someone and they're saying, okay, now it's gay marriage, but next it's going to be marriage to animals. How would you persuade someone that this is where it ends? I'd say it's fine to marry an animal. What the hell's the difference if you marry an animal?

As long as the animal says I do. Here's the thing. I think as long as the animal can write its own vows. Sloths are aggressive huggers. I don't know if you knew this. I'm down. Peter Singer makes a convincing argument that you can consensually get fucked by a dog. Excuse me?

I feel like you put the word fuck in my mouth just now. I was saying marry. You're going to marry, but you're going to have a celibate marriage? Sure. Point of clarification. Fuck in your mouth or mouth fuck? I felt like he put both in my mouth in some sense. It does go in your mouth in either direction.

Okay, I'm good. It's at the end of, I don't know how we got here, but it's at the end of Animal Crossing. You brought us here. You explicitly drove this train right here. How can you consensually fuck a dog? If you just sit there. You want to explain us through that?

You're just sitting there. Wait a minute, does the dog fuck you? All right, so I'm the dog, you're you. I just sit there with my asshole open and the dog fucks me. And I go and fuck you? Wait a minute. That's consensual sex with a dog. You think you just lure me in by opening your asshole like that?

I'm a dog. I'm going to want that? Yeah. If that happened, though, you would have to admit that that was consensual. I can't open my asshole like that. That was consensual sex. I guess so. You got to get some control of it.

There's a Pilates studio right over there. Did they do that in Pilates? The one I did. Those machines. Tom's running around with a kettlebell stuffed up his ass. I'm swinging it. I'm swinging the kettlebell.

Feel the burn. What was the second argument, Eli? Okay, I feel weird about the first one. Again, try and think of it in terms of the civil rights movement or fucking. Sure, yeah.

No, I mean, it's a stupid argument. It's a stupid argument. What are you going to do? It's the arguments we get. And the second argument is, you know, I don't agree with Alex Jones, but I agree with his right to say it. The Voltaire argument. Right. The misquote.

I agree with that. I'm still happy he got, like, banned. Right. I agree with his legal right to say it, but the thing I'll point out is every time I've ever heard that, yeah, I don't agree with Alex Jones, but I think he should have a platform. I don't agree with everything Ben Shapiro says. I think he should have a platform. Don't agree with the Nazis, but I think

they should be able to march through the streets and convince people to kill people with their cars. I'm not saying that that's not a valid argument. I'm saying no one who's ever made it to me has been honest, because they've always then turned around and gone, oh, but he's right about that Sandy Hook shooting thing. Right. Come on. How come the kids were marched around the school in the morning if it wasn't a false plan?

And so my answer to that is that's a perfectly reasonable argument. No one who's ever made it in the history of time hasn't been lying. They should just go. I agree with Alex Jones and I would defend to the right. They should just go, I agree with Alex Jones and I would defend to the right. Exactly. I think that's a good point. Like, I think we have I think we have to make a distinction between. And it's funny because we don't we do such a shit job of this and it's all built into the words.

You mentioned like the legal right to say something. We have a legal right to say Alex Jones is legal right to say all this crazy shit is unimpeded. He could have his Web site up forever. I mean, the fucking all kinds of Nazis have websites. Like the worst people ever all have websites. They also have Twitter. Right. So that's completely unencumbered.

Right? Unimpeded. What he doesn't have necessarily, and what I think is interesting, the point of intersection is that he doesn't have a social right to say it. Right. And it's so funny because like, we call it social media right we acknowledge that there are this is a social platform we it's built into the motherfucking name for the category of fucking horrible shit that we all engage like it's it's right in there and like the fact that he got banned from social media just says that he doesn't necessarily have

an unimpeded social right. He's facing social consequences. There's a consequence. None of us throughout all the history cave fucking men have probably not had an unimpeded social right to fucking ook and ack in exactly the way they wanted to ook and ack without getting hit with a

fucking club or a rock or whatever. This is the same shit and the word game that gets played there is they go yeah but i'm talking about you know not the legal definition but the spirit of free speech and right and what they're talking about is sort of the lockian idea of like the marketplace of ideas but luck was never talking about accusing parents of dead children of being actors but But even that, nobody anticipated, this is the same thing as the Second Amendment argument.

Like, nobody, when they were thinking about this, like, free exchange of ideas, could have possibly anticipated that we had an electronic platform where I could go click, click, beep, bop, boop, and I've got 150,000 people. We were talking instead

about literally going into the actual town square and yelling about things to whoever wanted to listen. We never anticipate the same way that we didn't anticipate that a musket would turn into a fucking nuclear weapon. Nobody anticipated that standing on a soapbox would turn into creating a profile that has hundreds of thousands or millions of fucking people attached to it.

And this isn't my argument. Someone else made it. But it's very similar to when you first saw speed limits coming into the United States. Right. When speed limits were first declared in the United States, everyone was like, we're about freedom of movement. What about freedom? And everyone was just like, we didn't think we would make things that can go 120.

I'm sorry, Dave. I know you love it, but you're just you've hit six black guys. And I know we don't care at this point, but you might get a white guy. You got to hit three or five. I can't remember how many it creates to one. The technology has simply outstripped.

I hit so many, I'm just crossing off the fractions. I don't know how to do this math anymore. Just a numerator divided by the denominator. all these black people. What do I do? What if we got speed limits

on bullets? I like that. I feel like we could do that. You can throw a bullet. How about that? You can fucking throw a bullet as fast as you can. It's that snapping

of the quarters. I was going to say, there'd be that asshole who gets good at it, you know? And you'd be like, ow, ow, that actually did really hurt.

That stings. And now we're done. I don't want to play anymore. And you didn't murder any children. And you didn't murder any children. With a wet towel and a handful of quarters into a school bathroom. All right, here we go. Time for revenge.

I listen too much Marilyn Manson. Here we go. Just kidding. Most school shooters are white supremacists. We don't talk about it. It's fine. All right, well, that was weird. Let's move on. Let's move on speaking of which

speaking of white supremacy Trump Donald Trump did something so this story comes from the New Yorker the day Trump told us there was attempted collusion with Russia I'll let you guys go in a second but Cecil I would very much like to read the tweet because I think it's important genuinely not to take the tweet

out of context. Let's let it sit and you guys fucking ruminate on this for a second. Alright, so this tweet comes from August the 5th. This is Donald Trump. This is? I had to scroll back to like June. So I just want to say like

we are recording this August 9th and you scrolled for about two weeks to get back to August 5th. I've been scrolling since the 8th. Alright, so this is from August 9th, and you scrolled for about two weeks to get back to August 5th. I've been scrolling since the 8th. It was a whole thing. All right, so this is from August 5th. Obviously. At 5.35 a.m.

First one to cry. The time when all the best decisions are made. Oh, yeah. Fake news reporting a complete fabrication that I am concerned about the meeting my wonderful son, Donald, had in Trump Tower. This was a meeting to get information on an opponent. Treason. Totally legal. Done all the time in politics and it went nowhere.

I did not know about it. Holy shit. Alright, so I want to ask how fucked is he with that? Zero. Zero? You mean like consequences? Consequences matter nothing to Donald Trump. Nothing With that? Zero. Zero? You mean like consequences for 2020? Consequences matter nothing

to Donald Trump. Nothing ever happens. Zero. In 2020, they're going to like shoot him with six harpoons simultaneously and then they're going to like

pull him apart with motorcycles driven by six cloned Hillary Clintons. But until the moment he is out of office, I can't wait for 2020 right now.

Oh, it's going to be great. Oh my God. It's like Hellraiser the Hillary Clinton. That's office. I can't wait for 2020 right now. Oh, it's going to be great. Oh my God. It's like Hellraiser the Hillary Clinton. That's awesome. That's fucking amazing. You know what? She looked great in that movie.

Way more personable than she does now. Death becomes her. Nobody escapes us. Oh my God. Yeah, nothing's going to happen. No. You don't think anything's going to happen.

We actually were talking about this last week and we said, actually said on the show, might be better that nothing happens to him before 2020. Because we're, I'm kind of afraid, like, I know that they think that when he got elected and there was, you know, 3 million people marched and there was no arrest, they thought that that was total unrest in America. And oh my gosh, they're going to ruin the country, et cetera, et cetera.

But I genuinely don't trust them to march and to, you know what I mean? Like I don't trust that other side. So hold on a second. Can I, can I ask you, like, you don't think that a march put on by the supporters of Donald Trump will be, will have the same level of nonviolence as the women's march? Can I ask, are you, nonviolence as the women's march? Can I ask? Are you saying that out loud? The women's march and a march by a bunch of

angry, disaffected, unemployed rust belt white racists will not have... You know that's the equivalency there? It's like one extra vehicular manslaughter you're talking about, Tom. The first one is practice. We already practiced. I genuinely am a little afraid, though,

if something happens to him that there will be a... No. It's like the Proud Boy marches, right? They're always like, Patriot Pride! And then it's like 17 guys surrounded by 850 college students. Those Oregon ones, man. There's a lot of people up there. How many?

Hundreds? I don't know. Because my thought is the Women's March is the largest demonstration in U.S. history. And I think the free Donald Trump... It's almost like women are like half of the people.

You know what? They're walking around without their penises behaving like they're like half of us or something. When will it stop? I think Trump supporters wouldn't march.

Really? You don't think so? Nope. What about the Tea Party, man? Don't you remember the Tea Party? Tea Party's got nothing to do with Trump. You mean like if Trump gets ousted because of the Mueller investigation? Yeah, if he actually got impeached. If he got impeached

or they went after him and he had to resign or something, I think there would be some serious... Hand out coupons for Popeyes and you got all... Long John Silver's half off. Everyone's out of the streets. To be honest, you got all. Long John Silver's half off. Everyone's out of the streets. Hold on, hold on.

You might be able to convince me to be a Trump supporter for a long time. I was about to say. Can we just, can we just pause it? Do you have coupons for Popeyes?

Yeah. I may or may not. I'm going to relieve you of those. JPEGs. Of the Popeyes logo. I can whip something up. I will say, I will say that is

refreshing to hear, although I see the unrest that is sort of like the way in which they defend this person. I mean, look at QAnon. We were talking about this last week. Look at those. This is not a small fringe group of people. They're going... There's giant groups of people that show up to

rallies still for no reason just to watch Donald yap. That's not a that's not a it's not 10 guys. I don't feel like that's a base that's not motivated to do something. I feel like that means Mike Pence becomes president and he's more of an arch conservative than Donald Trump. So it's like I can in some sense agree that like maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd be like, oh, this is what you mean. Bullshit long con, con actually that we didn't

actually come up with but we got lucky and we have actually somebody we like even more who's even more fucking Christian. So what is the best case scenario right? Like what is the best case scenario that everybody finds? Popular vote? We have a popular vote in America? No okay hold on hold on I'm sorry I used the word best case. What I meant is

what is the best case scenario where things still happen? Neil Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Pence, and most of the Republican Party are all on a bus and I just drive it off a cliff. Nobody would let you drive a motor vehicle.

That's true. What the fuck? That's not okay. Why is it working? This is all satirical. So much sad. Please go to my website. Okay, again, why is it working? This is all satirical. Literally, it would be... So much satire. Please go to my website.

We can do this together. Wink. What is the best case scenario? You have to follow around like you're contractually obligated to follow Eli around and be like, he's been kidding this entire time. You have to carry a blur filter to go in front of him. You have to yell wink every so often.

It's a whole thing. Most of our money goes to that. I imagine. Yeah. I feel like the best case scenario is that we keep Trump all four years, but we just lock that fucker down. Yeah.

Like 2020 or 2018. I feel like it's the same, like treat him like Obama in his second term, where he's just like a pointless figurehead that shows up to work every day and is like, I don't know, is there a Keurig machine around here? The problem is that Trump is way louder than Obama ever was. And so what'll happen is he'll

just for the next two years, rile his base up and he may get more people to vote because he's been blocked for so long that that may turn against is the actual best case scenario that that he has a stroke like is that like the best because then nobody can blame us yeah right it's like just you know a little too much cholesterol it's all good oh melania kills him and ivanka mid fuck with an axe like medea? Right? A little classical Greek reference there. Oh, my God. Oh, I thought that happened in a Tyler Perry thing. When he said Madea,

it took me half a second. Really? Really? You couldn't get with a Greek reference? It took me half a second. You were going to Tyler Perry's booth? I'm alone in the world, people. Do you like to fuck?

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good time. This is fucking legitimately amazing because this is one of those moments where you're like out loud. You said that out loud. It's like somebody had to have said this and then thought, where is my time loud? It's like, somebody had to have said this and then thought, where is my time machine? It's from GQ.

Fox News thinks Trump shouldn't talk to Mueller because he's not allowed to even, quote, tell one lie. This is so good! Oh my god, this is great. I feel them on this. Cancer shouldn't have to sit down

with chemo because that would be bullshit. Unfair to the like, why would you have one one slip up and you die of chemotherapy? Not fair. All right. I want to play this. I'm going to let it play all the way through and then we'll we'll talk about it. Increasingly that the Mueller team is setting a trap for the president if he decides to speak with him. Absolutely. And so potentially listening to the advice of you on this sofa regularly and his own attorneys, how in the world could he ever cooperate and sit down with Mueller for an interview knowing that if you tell one lie to Bob Mueller, he will move to file charges?

He could not tell a lie. That's always an option here. There have been... You look at that lady's face after she just rolls her eyes. Like, are you kidding me? He could not lie one time. There's literally no way that's going to happen. I love the dead eyes of the women on Fox and Friends.

It's like, you ever see the people at the Nuremberg trials, the Nazis who got caught and are just like, guys, can we wrap this up? We're going to get... It's just... They said I could sell my book about what Bill O'Reilly did at the Christmas party. I love the woman

who responds that like, well, he could also just not lie. That's always well, he could also just not lie. He could just not lie. That's always an option. He could just not lie. Oh, imagine that when you're talking to law enforcement, they get all worked up when you lie to them. What?

Yeah. Yeah, like 100% of the time, that's just like regular people. Did you murder that guy? Should I? Okay, I'm going to go with no. How many lies do i get i want that to be the standard for regular crimes now right sir do you know how fast you were going

apples that's one that's one don't use your one do you use your one at the wrong time my my dashboard's full of cocaine why did I use it on the speed thing? Stupid. Now, the concern, obviously, is if this isn't bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it's going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa,

and you're going to have a rainbow-colored wrapper for your Whopper. Alright, this story comes from right wing watch. This is Kevin Swanson. Quote, God is burning down California as punishment for legitimizing homosexuality. This is this is fucking nonsense. Let's go and play it. I want to know how you legitimize homosexuality.

Hey, hey, good job, guys. Well, keep fucking that asshole. This is God. Smacking people on the ass. Good game. Good game. Way to go. good job guys you keep fucking that asshole good game way to go if it's legitimate homosexuality God has a way of shutting that down so like not just girls making out at a party

dudes fucking it's never I'll tell you what Eli it's never girls making out everybody's alright with that and by alright I mean currently touching themselves too. Yeah. Nobody

ever says anything about the girl. Isn't that so funny? It's always like, dudes put their penises. That's because penises are gross. We all know all of your penises. My penis, your penis, your penis. They're all gross. They're all gross. Women are amazing. We're functional garbage.

Yeah, the Seinfeld. It's like, male bodies are strictly utilitarian. Yeah, exactly. I was told mine's durable by mom. If you look at the history of California, they've been at the forefront of this. Back in 1850, you know,

a common law statute was installed in the territory of California. Wait, in 1850? This is when they started doing that? This is when they started being gay. People were totally cool with fucking each other in the ass in 1850? This is when they started doing that? This is when they started being gay. People were totally cool with fucking each other in the ass in 1850.

Very progressive time. A lot of people don't realize that fucking pre-Civil War was a really progressive time in America. You're panning for gold in a river somewhere and Clem is in front of you and he bends over to get another handful of mud and you just think one thing leads to another

I'm going to search I'm going to sift for something I will bet you that like there was every bit as much fuck ass fucking in 1850 as there is now it's just that like back then it was more gold dust

I'm going to go ahead and do this on the mountain where nobody's looking versus let's have a parade. The only difference now is the parade. You think there's an equal amount of ass fucking in 2018 as there was in 1850? People have been fucking asses as long as you so eloquently

put it earlier. An equal amount? I don't know. Do you think the first fuck was ass or vagina? Ever. The first fuck? The first human fuck, if you had to guess. The first fuck was jerking off. I'm just saying. No, the first fuck was ass or vagina. The first fuck? The first human fuck, if you had to guess. The first fuck was jerking off. I'm just saying. No, the first fuck was a solo mission. Penis in orifice.

First time ever. I put my money on ass. I bet it's ass. Really? No. It's so much harder to get into. I think that's a positive. That's the point.

You got to earn it. Someone knocked down a wall before they opened a window. That's not possible, man. Wrong. That's the whole appeal, actually. If anybody knows the answer, tweet us. If you were the first person to get locked up. If you were the first fuck.

Noah. Yes. Providing for the legalization of sodomy and setting the penalty at five years to life in prison. Five years to life in prison for sodomy in 1850? Hey, stop fucking each other's asses. If you don't, we'll send you to prison where nobody ever gets fucked in the ass. This is just the tip, five years.

That's a weird first day, though. What are you in for? Murder. What are you in for? Bank robbery. What are you in for? Sodomy. Let's get this over with. What are you in for? Bank robbery. What are you in for? Sodomy. Let's get this over with.

Line up. Rude. But the first gay pride march occurred in San Francisco in 1970 and then San Francisco. Yeah, that's 120 years after his pride. So then something, something, 120 years go by. Yeah, we're waiting. Someone's tapping their watch. Right. God is tapping his pride. So then something, something, 120 years go by. Yeah, we're waiting. Someone's tapping their watch. Right.

God is tapping his watch. God didn't pull the trigger on the wildfires for a little while. Let's see how this plays out. He's very busy. You gotta do the translation. It's God years.

It's different. It's like dog years. They'll learn to appreciate the vagina more and I'll work in my favor and let this play out. Yeah, because men don't appreciate the vagina.

Well, okay. Not all of us. I'm going to let this play out. Because men don't appreciate the vagina. Well, okay. Not all of us. I don't think it was crazy when I said it. Thank you, Heath. Vaginas are gross. Legitimize homosexuality in 1972. In 1982,

Laguna Beach, California, elected the first openly homosexual mayor in United States history. In 1999, California elected the first openly homosexual mayor in United States history. In 1999, California adopted a domestic partnership law. I believe it was one of the first in the nation to do that. All of this sounds great, by the way. All right. Yeah.

Like, all of this should be high fiving over this. Sounds great. The only thing we should be ashamed of is it took us this long to get the fuck out of everybody's special. The only thing we should be ashamed of is having a place called Laguna Beach. What are you, fucking an away episode on Spongebob fucking Squarepants? Laguna Beach Police Department, you're being raped? We'll be right there. Laguna PD!

Can you imagine having to confess being raped at Laguna Beach? They were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Where did that happen, Laguna Beach? No, it's the name of the place. Oh, I'm so sorry. Where did that happen? Laguna Beach. No, it's the name of the place. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's the name of the place. As opposed to like, where on the body were you raised? 2005, California state legislators became the first in the nation to pass the same-sex marriage law.

It was vetoed by Governor Schwarzenegger at the time. In 2008, the California... Party of Lincoln and Schwarzenegger. Still time in 2008, the California party of Lincoln and Schwarzenegger. Still cracks me up too, man. It's like, wow. I said, I'm not sure if two dudes should be able to get married.

When I was called the barbarian, they sent me a girl slave instead of a boy slave. So pretty sure this is what I should do. Wow. This is a video of me covered in oil. Stop being gay. As he wrestles a giant snake. My dad was a Nazi. Hasta la vista, Bill.

I just realized that Tom and Arnold are the same personation. That's what I'm trying to do. They're very close. Squabble, do you, not a guabble. What the fuck is that? Wow. ...struck down Prop 22 in regard to marriage cases, and Prop 8 also was struck down later on that year, I believe.

In 2011, California became the first state to mandate homosexual indoctrination classes for K-8 students. I'm sorry. That sounds awful. Go ahead. Did you miss that? I teach those classes. Did you miss that? They mandated indoctrination. There was a mandatory in 2011

gay indoctrination class in California. Have you not gone? Did you miss it? You're going to get a ticket. Have you not gone? I would like to attend one of these. Oh, it's great. It's great. Yeah, you got it. You got it. I would like a really, really annoyed,

shitty public school teacher to teach me how I need to be gay. Some 20-year-old who's waiting for his fucking retirement. He's tenured. He's waiting for retirement. All right, kids, line up. I'm going to show you all how to suck a dick. Go, goured. He's waiting for retirement. All right, kids, line up. I'm going to show you how to suck a dick.

Class dismissed. We're going to watch a gay porn. You go in and there's a gay porn and a TV there and you're all so excited. Can we fuck each other in the ass outside? And then in 2012,

California became the first state to sign a ban on therapy that was attempting to convert homosexuals. Torch kids. Torch your children. Hold on, what does he say, though? What does he say, though? He's trying to say conversion therapy?

Yeah. Was attempting to convert homosexuals into homosexuals. Oh, wait, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Could you say that? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just wait, just wait, just wait.

Was attempting to convert homosexuals into homosexuals it sounds like a club that Stefan is introducing on SNL this club is called homosexuals they have everything gay conversion classes homosexual alcoholics

gay lovers short of having a dick Conversion classics. Homosexual, alcoholics, anonymous. 1850s gay lovers. Short of having a dick in his mouth while he said that, he could not have said that gayer. Yeah, you can't. I mean, two dicks. If he was talking around a dick.

Okay, all right. Two dicks. This is why you're here. Two in one. Four dicks. Wait a minute. Does that make you more gay? But not double.

I don't think it doubles. I think it's like a log scale. Like, are you more pregnant if you're like got twins? I mean, you're still pregnant. Two dicks in your mouth is not twice as gay as one dick, though. That's like math. Yeah, how's the math work on that? What's the multiplier?

I don't know. I think it slows down. It's diminishing returns. Is it on inches? Do we do this on inches? It's diminishing returns. I think you're twice as gay with two dicks. Two is linear.

But you're not three times as gay with three dicks. Two is linear. But you're not three times as gay with three dicks. Okay, it starts to curve out between two and three. Does it curve to the left or the right? Mine curves out between two and three also.

Non-homosexuals. And then in 2017, the California state schools implemented the homosexual indoctrination program that was advised. I thought they already did it in 2011.

I thought they already did it earlier 2011. They did it earlier. They did it again. They did a double plus twice. That guy sucked everybody off again in class. It was AP gay. To buy the California Assembly in 2011. So that occurred just last year, you remember. That was the kickoff for the biggest fires.

And wildfires. That was the last thing for God biggest fires. And wildfires. That was the last thing for God. He was like, no, not in the high schools. So should I like burn down San Francisco? No, I'm going to do the forest mostly. But like, don't get what the fuck I meant. I meant clearly San Francisco. Like, let's, let's, I know we're going to give

passive aggressive hints to his fucking, just like, you know, oh, you didn't put the coffee away this morning? Is that what's going to happen? Is that how we're starting the day out, Harold? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let three pounds

per square inch out of your left front tire. That's what I'm going to do. And then you'll just get slightly worse gas mileage when you corner. How do you feel about that, bitch? We're like, he said...

I like it at 41. I'm a 41 guy. Whatever. He said, like, the fires are in uninhabited garbage land. Who cares? God's like, stop being gay or I'll burn down to nothing. You're like, I don't care. We didn't call the fucking rock monster from the

Never Ending Story to cry about it. I don't give a shit. I couldn't care any less about that. To be fair, if Oklahoma City was on fire right now, nobody would know. Because it already was, wasn't it? You would only improve it. California has never seen its history

last year, and those fires continue in 2018. So God is burning down California in 2017 and 2018. Most of it's okay. Yeah, exactly. It's a pretty big place. Yeah, all the places where people live, including the gays. It's never like shooting

all the gays with lightning, right? That's never happened. Every one of them gets a cinder on them and just goes Is anyone else picturing Kevin Swanson crossing across state lines to light a small campfire in California? Yeah, God, do your work.

Show them. That's what you get for teaching A, B, gay. I don't need college credit for being gay. But I'll take it. I challenge him a million dollars to charity he wants

to get in the ring with me, bare knuckle. I will. I'll do it right now. I'll get in the ring with me. Bare knuckle. I will. I'll do it right now. I'll get in the ring with you and I will break your jaw. I will knock your teeth out. I will break your nose and I will break your neck. Alright, so this is from my wing watch. Obama made tech companies ditch Alex Jones,

says Rick Wiles. And if there's ever been a source we should pay attention to more about tech issues, it's definitely Rick Wiles. His news is true. That's what it says right there. I'm looking at it. Because there's no E, he couldn't afford that. Tronews.

Tronews! It's T-R-U-N-EWS. This is Rick Wiles from his terrible show. Remember, it took YouTube a couple days to catch up with what everybody else was doing. Can we talk about the gap tooth for a second? That is enormous. You're talking about Doc Burkhart? Yup. He's a correspondent, guys.

Ducky Burks? He corresponds with us. And then... I feel like he could be twice as gay if he wanted to put a second one right there. Oh, in the gap? Oh, if you fuck the gap, mind the gap. You gotta mind the gap. I don't know whether they just waited for the

weekend to pass or if they were trying to coordinate it. Oh, I can't stop seeing it now. The gap to this. It's just so distracting. I have no idea what's going on. It's just like, whatever. Is their ticker tape gonna come out of that thing? What's gonna happen? All I can hear is whistling. We're gonna wait

for the weekend. There's hate speech going on. It's Friday at four. I just like, the Nazis can Nazi all weekend. Is anyone working at Facebook on Saturday? No. It's so busy.

No, it's a nine to five kind of thing. We're at Laguna Beach. Body sushi day. How can we keep making money off this guy? You know, as long as we possibly can before we can get rid of him?

They all got the... Oh, they wanted that extra weekend. Google was like, look, man, we need to get this extra weekend or there's no way we're going to be able to make our... We're going to sell the last of our Alex Jones. Got all these shirts in the back. Get somebody on the corner hogging their shirts. Guys, how we are on the Alex Jones?

12 more hours? All right. Let him mock dead kids for another half a day. It's fine. We'll just let him go. We're looking at Rick Wiles now, and I always forget how crazy his hair is. Because he's got old man hair,

and then he's got tiny little boy hair. It's so much smaller than you think it's going to be. There's so little little boy hair. It's so much smaller than you think it's going to be. There's so little, little boy hair. It's like the transplants being rejected by his face. It looks like he's turning into a little boy, but it's just starting. Phone call over the weekend from Barack Hussein Obama saying,

here's the next step in the resistance movement. Barack Obama's managing the whole resist Trump movement. This is still going on, man. You know what? Did you guys ever see his birth certificate? I just want to say, if we looked at that recently, that meme with fucking Robin Williams,

what year is it? Like, I feel like that all the time. Just like, what the fuck year is it? Trump's been in there for a while. Yeah. Like a long time. We're at the midterms. Enough to do a lot of damage. The word mid is in front of that. Like, that's like halfsies. How are we still

talking about Barack Obama? Because he's black still. He didn't stop that. The problem is that after he got out of office, that guy still had the nerve to be black. He's half white, Tom. That's three-fifths full. That's another story.

But going back to Alex Jones. So what they've done is they've taken the most outrageous, indefensible person that you can find. And they banned him for being indefensible. When done right, there is no defense. Yeah, exactly. And they made him the poster child to eradicate the First Amendment. Yes.

Because... Did you know we don't have that anymore? Yeah, we talked about it before. Yeah, it's gone. I do like how... Donald summoned in his giant eraser. Donald Trump standing there like a second grader with his pink pet.

But you're not even wrong because Donald Trump is actively eroding freedom of the press every day. Freedom of the press is being actively eroded. I know, right? They don't pay attention to that at all. And they're just like, it doesn't matter.

It's like, I would like to yell about dead kids. Okay, not over here in my living room. Oh, it doesn't matter. It's like, I would like to yell about dead kids. Okay, not over here in my living room. Oh, I can't talk. Are you fucking serious? There is a conversation to be had about an erosion of our right to assemble, about erosion of freedom of speech, of freedom of the press. And instead it's like, well, I was on Facebook

and I couldn't watch a hate speech video. So what is wrong? Everything is the answer. That took two clicks instead of one. I had to type in the address of the hate that I seek out. Where am I going to get my vitamins that turn me slowly into a little boy? He looks like a sneech undercover.

Star belly or regular? Yeah, oh, regular. This motherfucker does not have a star upon bar. Is it Dr. Seuss thing, Cecil? Oh, gosh, yeah. Okay. You wouldn't have heard of him. He's Jewish. To New York. Who wants to be seen defending Alex Jones? Nobody in their right

mind. It's like using... So I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I don't agree with everything he says. Ku Klux Klan. Are you going to defend them? Of course not. Are you going to defend Nazis?

Of course not. He's trying to make the slippery slope argument. It's what we were talking about earlier. This is exactly the slipperies. He's like, yeah, if they take down the KKK, what's next? First they came for the KKK. That was probably good.

That was all right. You want to take a couple of steps? You want to come for a few things? High-fived. The slope is slippery. I'm willing to go down a little bit. It's okay. The first three steps, I'm totally yes.

If the beginning of the slide is Nazis, take the slide. Figure out afterward, maybe. Stop for a minute. As the only Jewish member here the slide is Nazis. Take the slide. Figure out afterward. Maybe stop for a minute. The only Jewish member here. If the Nazis offer you a slide, do not take it. That's how they cut grandpa. You got to clean up first. Showers.

And so this is the way the regime accomplishes their their agenda, because they'll they either build up a person like Alex Jones or they use that person one way or the other. They make him or her the poster child and then they tar and feather. Just don't talk about it. When Facebook takes down their pages, it's not like they're like, hey, everybody, just want to let you guys know, here's our press release from Facebook. All the press comes from the people that are outraged. And the people that are outraged are the defenders of Alex Jones. Like, who's making a poster child out of this guy? I really want to know what Alex is a poster child of.

Turning orange slowly but surely. Alex Jones. Car and feather anybody who would dare speak up. Because nobody wants to defend Alex Jones. But you're saying, wait a speak up because nobody wants to defend Alex Jones. But you're saying, wait a minute. This is about the freedom of speech. This is about freedom of speech. Oh, so you know, nobody wants to defend Alex Jones except for me.

Yeah. And and Winnie the Pooh. Oh, bother. Dude, can we get an alt-right Winnie the Pooh going? Oh my God. What's that actor doing? He's moving up. His movie got banned in China.

He got nothing. What? Yeah, they are banned in China. Defend Alex Jones? No, I don't. Well, then you support us shutting him down. No, I don't. You can't get out of this.

That's not a straw man. That's not what a straw man is. They've created a glass cage of emotion. It's very different. You can't win. This is why I'm trying to help. But hold on a second, because you can win. Because it is easy to support

shutting down Alex Jones. I support shutting Alex Jones down on the side. I do not support the government cover. Sure. Right? Like, no, don't do that. But like, I would even support if nobody wanted to sell him internet anymore. If AlexJones.com got shut down because the guy who sold him the domain, AlexJones.com,

was like, man, I don't want to sell that anymore. Yeah. Okay. That's the same shit. You know, we don't have a right to this thing. This is not a governmental, this is not the town square. We have no inherent right to this space.

We don't. And unless we all just decide, unless we legislate it in some way, unless we declare this, the fucking internet national forest, right? It's not national. It's all privately owned shit that some guy created

at home. Al Gore. Oh my god, that'd be so amazing though, because then you'd get like the fringe on the flag crazies being like, you gotta put your website in all capital letters because I've never been owned to. I would like to see Alex Jones as a scarecrow though. Just yelling at birds to keep him off.

Like that would be, I think if he can't get work on the internet. He'd be a thick scarecrow. He'd be thick. Who can not get work on the internet? Alex Jones on Fiverr just offering to, like, show up and take his shirt off and scream at you. Oh, he's like, oh, the peanut peppers get indigestion. I will wade through hip-deep water. Or make you a whiteboard animation.

Christians, get away from Alex Jones. He's going to hurt all of us. And he has. As of today, he's hurt all of us. That's fucking amazing. We got to talk about that. I love the idea that like... He hurt us

because he got banned. He didn't hurt us because of the awful shit he said. Now, what have we got to distance himself now? Now that we're looking? But before, when he was free to just fucking talk about, like, the horror of losing your child and minimize and mock that in order to sell fucking multivitamins, that was totally all right.

In my mind, Rick's just yelling that, like, at kids at the pool. Like, they're getting too close to Alex Jones, and he's like, kids, stay away from Alex Jones. He's hurting all of us. He's just in the corner in a dog cage. It's not human intelligence. He misinformed his audience quite well. And I believe he contributed to the mental instability, mental illness among people listening to his program.

Why is he? Why is he turning on him like this? Off brand thing. Don't buy that brand of crazy. Buy this brand. Okay. This is Coca-Cola classic. Do you think it was ever aligned with him?

I think that they've always been on the same side. Don't you think? I will say, I genuinely don't know what side Alex Jones has ever been on. Rick Wiles, at least, is consistent. Alex Jones just says shit. I'll take it back. You're right. Maybe you're right.

Maybe you're right. Maybe they've never been aligned. I think he's just worried that people are getting shut down. I guess I always just put all the same people in the same fucking bucket. Or I'm just like, you're a crazy person. You go in here, and you're done. You just take the Jim Bakers and the Rick Wiles and all those people and you just shove them in the same category. And then do you close

the bucket tightly so that there's no air? Yeah. You freeze dry it so you can nibble on it during the apocalypse. I'm just saying. How was that, guys? You guys did that. How was that? Great? I liked it. I thought it was alright. Was it okay? The parts I liked it. I thought it was all right. Was it okay?

The parts I could eat were not that bad. What could you eat? It was about infinitely better than I expected, if I'm not fair. Okay. I could eat the pizza crust. What else could I eat? Oh, the pasta. I had the pasta.

The disappointment of being vegan. You had Anna secretly making you like gourmet versions of each thing. She'd bring out two of each thing and be like, this one's Eli's. Wink. And this one's for you. She'd bring out two of each thing and be like, this one's Eli's. Wink. And this one's for you. She puts some vegan cheese on it for me. This is Eli's. I sprinkle a little white truffle oil across the top. That was literally one of the ingredients

on Eli's. I'm sorry. I'm loved. I used to tell Christians, do not listen to him three hours a day you're going to develop mental illness that's too much two and a half times draw the line three hours you know what develop mental illness moderation is key when you're listening to alex jones i would agree with that moderation is key we listen in three minute segments yeah and every week i want to

just take one of those like paper things for notes that sticks-minute segments. And every week, I want to just take one of those paper things for notes that sticks up and jab my eyes into it. Every week, you turn into Eli. Right. Yes. I have to wear Velcro shoes. Jealous. Jealous. Ugly. Ugly jealousy. Because you're opening your ears

to somebody who is... We just saw these videos. That's not somebody who's mentally, emotionally, spiritually stable. Two weeks ago, this dude was talking about fetuses in the water. Yeah, he was talking about drainage fetuses. That's what he was talking about.

It's like two homeless guys in the same subway car. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I'm sorry. You go. You want answers. Oh, I'm sorry. You go. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth. All right, let's start some right wing watch. Translated by faith, Rick Joyner's tale of teleportation. Bamf.

All right, here we go. Here we go. Oh, this is Rick Joyner. Rick Joyner's a big guy. Yeah. Teleportation is not... It takes a lot of energy to teleport him.

Man. You really stress the dilithium crystals. Did he have to get like the two seatbelt teleportation thing that he has to buy an extra ticket?

Like he has to go up to Spock and be like, all right, I'm gonna need two. I know we don't use currency, but I'd just like you to give me two. We're gonna get banned from Reddit. It's getting kicked off

of United's teleportation. Pray for me to get Phillips anointing so I can, when I'm supposed to go somewhere, I just get zapped there, translated there. It's Google Translate, so he comes out all wrong.

His liver's on the outside why don't we even do the languages they can't do right by the way i have done that one time that has happened to me one time i don't have time to get into it now but i bet he gets into it oh but he gets into it you have all the time in the world you're an old man sitting in the forest. What else do you have going on? Next time you're taking a long trip, fucking teleport. There's your time back. Tell us about the time you teleported.

Did he have to step into the toilet like a fucking Harry Potter flu or whatever? I feel like if one time ever I got sucked up into heaven and then deposited somewhere else, I would never have anything more important to talk about. I've got other shit. got a fucking doordash will be here any minute i can't tell you about the time i went to heaven but i'll tell you about it sometime but i really got physically translated

with my car and uh was zapped right to a place. And it's no way physically. I just was zapped right there. I bamfed my way over there. God just like, well, I moved him, but I had to make that zappy zap sound. When I used magic, magic makes that sound. I was tuckered out. He's a big boy. Physically impossible for that to have happened.

Otherwise, I went somewhere that would have taken two hours by travel. I was there instantly. By travel? By travel. It would have taken two hours by travel. That's like, it's like, how far away is that? Well, I don't know. Are we measuring by travel? By teleportation?

That's travel, so I'm not sure how... It's one of the options on Google Maps. By travel. And so anyway, I didn't even tell anybody about that for years because I thought no one would believe me. Because that's fucking crazy. I thought no one would believe me.

Because it's insane. You nailed it, buddy. You fucking nailed it, Rick. In fact, we don't believe you so hard, we're doing a radio show about us. We don't believe you. We're going to send this to people, and they're laughing at us. They're laughing at you with us. And I was praying the Lord keep doing it, you know.

That was way better than driving my car. But I took my car there. It's probably how I got there. I would have been amazing if God transported him and not his car and he was stranded two hours away. I got an Uber home? That's like $70. He just shows up naked. Naked in half a car.

Sorry, brother. That's all I can do. I've had a busy ass motherfucking day. He is going to be doing that. And he showed me that in the days to come, we were going to be able to be translated by faith. Now that happened. Why does he keep saying that instead of transported?

Somebody literally needs to translate this for him. Geometry thing? Can it be? Is there some excuse for him? No. What do you make excuses? Translation in geometry is a move across the... Are you serious right now? Are you serious right him? No. What do you make excuses for? A translation in geometry is a move across the... Are you serious right now?

I think it might be. Are you serious right now? Nerd. Sorry, fellas. The move against the... It's technically... In a Cartesian coordinate system, if you were to move

a two-dimensional object... No. Ladies, you hear that? We need someone to do your Cartesian coordinates for you. We've got a single man. And I wasn't expecting it. It shocked me when it happened.

I mean, I was dumbfounded. I knew it had to be God, and I knew it was what had happened, but it was still shocking. And he saved me two hours. He didn't save, I don't know, how many people are dying right now pointlessly, but he saved me two hours of mild inconvenience. Someone's in a helicopter to a hospital and God's like, eeny, meeny, miny, Rick Joyner.

Oh, my God. The helicopter shows up in the middle of the hospital. I did not think that through. I am a deity. I'm going to do Rick Joyner next time. If only someone was here to explain the Cartesian quarter. It'd be in three dimensions at that point. Stupid.

But he showed me that in the days to come we were going to be translated by faith. We would pray and say, Lord, I need to be there right now. And boom, we would. Because we're impatient. We're very impatient. Rick Joyner's fans need to be quickly.

Lord, the early morning breakfast special ends at 9 a.m. and it is 8.54. Please transport tape in there. I don't care if it's in two dimensions. I don't care if it's in three. Just get in there in time for the breakfast special. I don't care if it's in two dimensions. I don't care if it's in three. Just get in there in time for the breakfast special. I have to get to Walmart

before they get all those little carts get taken up for the day and someone's driving around and I've got to get in one of those rollies. I will kill three Jews and a Chinese in 40 hours. Just please get up there. So guys,

if people are going to find your stuff on the internet, where would they look? Do we have a website? I don't know. We do have a website. We talked about trying to get a website. This is why they got to bring Noah with them.

Exactly right. Noah right now would die. Noah would know the website. Someone needs to translate. Can I tell you something? You know why you don't know the website? Because you're fucking stupid. It's pretty close.

That's not bad. I've heard him say that to me a hundred times. I guess I would forget the website too if I was a fucking idiot. No, no, no. It's just, I don't mean to correct you or anything. I just want you to understand that that's a very basic thing that you would know and understand when you're promoting our show. It's Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, God Awful Movies, and The Skeptocrat

on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. But, you know, whatever. Guys. Oh, I got you. He's going. He's doubled over. He's the size of a regular man. Thanks for

coming into Glory Hole Studios tonight with us, hanging out. And the temperature is a little warm in here so I want to thank you for sticking out the whole time

we appreciate it I tried to take my shirt off and Cecil he did no you didn't try you took your

shirt off and you were ordered by law to return your shirt there is three or four fingers of scotch

on my skin right now gentlemen thanks for joining us. Thanks so much. Thanks, guys. So we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons.

We'd like to thank our most recent patrons, Valentine, David, Cody. Yeah, give that a whirl. LaFreg Zed. Okay. And Sean. LPZ. Yeah.

Shout out, LPZ. Yeah. Shout out LPZ. So thanks for listening and thanks for supporting us. We very much appreciate it. The only reason Ian is our employee is because of you. So thank you very much. We got a couple calls to prayer this week. This one is from

Brian. Okay. Okay. All right. So, so Ian's in studio with us today, and Ian likes it. But Ian, get on that mic and tell us. Can you explain it to us?

At least try to explain it to us. Help us out, Ian. I don't think I can. It's a meme, if you will. Is this for the young kids? Is this something the kids are doing these days? It's chicken attack. Is this part of the refers? You're just going to have to introduce us to chicken attack later.

Alright, okay. So we're going to trust that that's funny, Brian. No. Is that part of the Twitters? Is that how that works? Okay. Alright. We got a message from Louise

and she says she had a problem today when she told the cashier, I bought this marker earlier and it exploded. I guess that is, that's a Tom-ism. There we go. Yeah.

This is interesting, Tom. This person says that, it says Michael and Michael is talking, we were talking about why Trump does it on Twitter rather than in person. And he says he's a coward,

terrified of confrontation. He says the imprentice doesn't count. That's not confrontation. He had all the power there. True. In his administration, he sent his bodyguard to fire Comey. Now, I don't know the veracity

of that claim. I don't either. And I will say this. While I do think that he is a coward, and I do think that that is why he uses broad shout-out billboard-style ways to communicate rather than direct, intimate ways. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Right? And every time he is in a direct, intimate way, he won't even look at the person to say, like, for example, with Putin. Putin thing. Yeah, he just won't even look at him. He's like, what do you think? I'm going to say one thing, then later meet another. That guy is to say he's totally clean, never did anything bad in his life. All that said, if I had a bodyguard, I'm just being honest here. If I had a bodyguard, I would send that guy to do all kinds of unenviable tasks.

Such as guard my body. Or wash the toilet. That would be the second one. That would be his primary set of responsibilities. That's probably, I would say, the most common occurrence in my life. Three times a day. That's a three times a day. Are you a three times a day guy?

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I have the industrial plunger one that they give to the plumbers. They like, you have to show a license to get it. You know what I am? I am regularly irregular. There's a 24-hour wait period on this plunger. It's insane.

It just comes with like an auger attachment to it. Just snake the line. This one is amazing. Masha's been sending a lot of these to him. His calls to prayer. And this one we listened to yesterday

and we loved it. Headphones are best for this. Headphones are best for this. He did a very good job on that one. Well done. The Doppler effect on that is just brilliant. Very nicely done. Well done. Mosh again.

That's the fourth one he sent in. Oh, this is a great line from this email from Matt. Matt was saying apology from Indiana, and he says he's a resident in northwest Indiana, and he feels continually obligated to apologize for giving the nation Mike Pence. Indiana doesn't know better.

We are an easily scared lot. Pence is just so non-threatening. As long as you are a white evangelical Christian straight and male. I love just so non-threatening. As long as you are white, evangelical, Christian, straight, and male. I love that so much. Here's another call to prayer. This one's from James. Allah-u-Akbar. Allah-u-Akbar.

I don't know what it really means. Allah-u-Akbar. Allah-u-Akbar. we were actually in your office jim and it got a little heated i said oh my goodness i don't even know all right i don't even know nicely done though uh this one there's two here and these are from Davey I love this I love this movie I love this movie I think that's great.

I love that. I haven't seen that movie since I saw it in a theater, but I remember watching it in a theater and I laughed until I couldn't breathe anymore. I adore that movie. But I don't know that I was really high when I saw it. So I have no idea if I would watch that movie today and be in the same, like if I would watch it today, I might just be like like this is the stupidest

fucking thing but I was I was in such a zone that day you know when you just see something that's like like perfect for that moment right and I've never revisited that moment don't you know what like if you if you hit perfection don't try to put lightning back in that box don't go back oh no Oh, no.

All right. Here we go. Another one. This one's from Matt. This just reminds me of like every shitty wedding you've ever been to. It's like, oh, now we're going to do the Macarena. And you're just like, there's not enough alcohol in the free bar to make me do the fucking Macarena.

I have said this before, and I'm going to say it again. My most hated song at a wedding is that... To the left! To the left! That is the worst. Right foot stop! Turn sideways! Right foot this time!

I fucking hate that so much. The worst part about that song, and I know I've said this before, but it bears repeating. The worst part about that song is not the song itself. It's that the guy has a 20-minute copyright on the song at the end where he's just like,

I made this song. My name's so-and-so and I live in Miami Beach. He's like, shut the fuck up. It's a terrible song. First, never lay claim to it because it's awful.

But then don't spend 20 minutes of the song while everybody's spinning around on one foot and doing the hokey pokey or whatever. It's fucking line dancing. It's so bad.

It's country western line dancing. Exactly, but it's plus. I'm going to tell you what to do. Like, do-si-do your partner. It's the same thing with just a different beat to it. Exactly. And not a better beat. Oh, it's so bad.

We got a package of beer from Brian in San Diego. It was very nice of him to send. He sent a bunch of beer. And I tried to even keep it cold. I was such a nice thing to do. Like, packed it all full of fucking freezy packs and everything. It was very nice of him to send. He sent a bunch of beer and I tried to even keep it cold. I was such a nice thing to do, like packed it all full of fucking freezy packs and everything.

It didn't work, but it's okay because we have a fridge in the studio. So it's okay. This studio is a thousand degrees. It could be like packed in dry ice. It could have arrived

10 minutes after it was packed and it would have fucking melted. Wouldn't have mattered. But it was very cool. And I like all of the beer he sent. We got a crazy video from Aaron. Seriously? Insane. What the fuck is happening? This Indian priest just smashing

coconuts on people's fucking nuggets. I can't understand this video. I watched this fucking mouth agape. It's like throwing cinder blocks at people. I don't understand this at all. What the fuck?

It's crazy. So we're going to post it on this week's show notes. 420. Check it out. It hurts so bad. I only watched like 10 seconds of this video because the whole time you're just cringing. All right. We got a call to prayer submission.

This is from Chan. Allah I like that one. That's about as long as it takes me to, so no worries. This is the last one. This is from Steve. Call the prayer. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar No worries. This is the last one. This is from Steve. Call the prayer. Nice cut. That is a good cut. At the end, doesn't it?

It's a little rough there, buddy. But very good. Very good. Thanks for sending in. So we want to thank Heath and Eli for joining us today in studios. I've never thanked Heath and Eli before. I don't like doing it.

It's a lot of fun to hang out with them. They were fun to hang out with. They were good people. We enjoyed hanging out with them. You can check out all their stuff, all the links to all the shows they do. The three other shows, four other shows,

all those links will be in because we do a show with them. I was going to say, you can't discount our joint project. That's four other shows. They'll be in this week's show notes if you want to check out any of the stuff that they do. you can check out episode 428.

All the links will be there. And that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized,

stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues.

Temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. evangelist, conspiracy, double-speak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is

provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. you're really fucking it up heath can you bring some funny yeah can you give a really long speech nice give another whiny speech for the whole story you know what perfect that's fine