Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 436: Outsourcing Empathy

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way we bring critical thinking skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome at. This is episode 436 of Cognitive Dissonance. And we are on the eve of the inevitable

coronation. Cecil. Somebody needs to get out their like, their like horns, those trumpet things with the fucking banners on it. Brett Kavanaugh. Hey, hey,

hey. We're fucked now. Well, it was a circus. That's for sure. Right? Yeah. So,

you know, we record on Thursday the confirmation inevitability. I mean, confirmation process is going to be tomorrow where the majority

that just needs a simple majority will almost certainly vote along party lines and confirm the inevitable. And so there's a lot to talk about here. And we were just talking a few minutes ago and I was asking you like, is the system broken? Like is this whole system broken? And I was thinking about this like,

should there just be, if it's a fucking rubber stamp by the majority party, should we just let this thing be an appointment and not a nomination with confirmations? I mean, are we just lying? I think we're lying. I think you're right. I think we're lying. Like, how masturbatory is this process? Because if you, we were talking earlier, and this is a really important point you made. It's a job that you're applying for.

And sometimes when you get a bunch of resumes, you look through and you're like, not this one, not this one. Oh, it seems like this guy's got some weird shit in his past. I can't verify this year on his employment record. Oh, well, he goes into the can. Even if he was a good candidate, right? Even if he had all the other credentials. Even if she had all the other credentials. Oh, you know what? We're

not going to, we're just not going to hire this one. We're going to go with this other stack of people. There's plenty of judges that you can choose from, but they are all in on this guy. And if you're, if you're so all in on this guy, even after watching all the testimony today, then you're right. It's not anything but the guy we want. That's it. We just want this guy, period. Well, part of the problem is like, if the president nominates somebody

and then that guy doesn't get confirmed, first of all, has that ever happened? I mean, other than when they wouldn't even have a hearing for Obama's guy? Yeah. Like when Garland never even got a fucking hearing. Didn't Sessions get turned down for something in the past? Didn't he get refused?

Yeah, so Sessions did. It was just a federal judgeship, so not an actual Supreme Court nomination. So it's a lower court he was rejected from. And he's the Justice Department guy. I know. Well, he is until he gets fired for trying to justice too hard. Evidently,

that didn't matter. Imagine like Jeff Sessions and we're like, too scrupulous. Yeah. Too scrupulous. Guys, you're shooting for the moon here with Jeff Sessions. Jeff Sessions? We need somebody

a little less ethical than Jeff Sessions. Jeff Sessions. We need somebody. We need somebody a little, little less ethical. You know what? Better call Saul. That's it. That's just, we should just get David Duke in here. Is he busy?

Like at what point have we descended into such a level of farce that like the onion just like gives up and he's like, I don't, I can't. I saw a couple awesome onion articles today one of them was Brett Kavanaugh wheels Keger in for the

for the hearing and the other one which I thought was amazing was this is so wrong Senator Grassley turns up the radio in the hearing area or whatever like turns up the radio to drown out her testimony. And I was just

like, oh, oh, that is dancing. That's rough. That is dancing on a line. That's rough. That I like. Bravo, Onion. Bravo, the Onion. Way to make us all feel weird. Oh, man. But, you know, I watched and

listened to, you know, watched some, listened to mostly the hearings today. And I got a chance to hear most, if not all, of Dr. Ford's testimony. Okay. And most of Kavanaugh's. I didn't hear the second half of his questioning, the questioning process that was going on.

But my gosh, there was some crazy shit that was going on. The first thing I want to mention is, is that they, they, we talked about this last week that they were going to have one person who was going to ask questions for the Republican side. Now the, the Democrats just talk,

just had a conversation with Dr. Ford, right? As much as you can in that situation, you're allotted five minutes. And so they have a chance for five-minute questions. But in between each Democratic senator's chance to question, they would cut back to this woman who's a prosecutor, basically a prosecutor,

who's asking questions and basically cross-examining Dr. Ford, asking her questions about her past. She never really seemed to ask her any questions about the incident. She seemed to ask her questions about whether or not she was afraid of flying and why that mattered. And they just basically tried to smear her. Yeah, I'll just say, like,

they disparaged her character. So hold on a minute, just because I'm a little blown away at the unprecedented nature of the occurrence. So a woman came forward with a sexual abuse allegation and rather than address the allegation itself, her character was impugned.

It's crazy. It was a, what? It's a once in a lifetime thing, Tom. Write it down. Kind of like a Supreme court appointment. Oh yeah.

So basically. Is that a playbook that they use? It's like blue 42, blue 42. Like there's some guy like doing like fucking third base signals for like, ask her about what she was wearing. Exactly. Turn to your, turn to your book, your, your, uh, your handbook on toxic masculinity.

But, but really it was, it was, it was really interesting to see that conversation happen because, you know, when, and, and when they were asking her questions, you know, the Democrats, they were just asking her a bunch of questions and then the Republicans had to ask through this intermediary and then when Kavanaugh comes in, when Kavanaugh comes in though, they immediately

are asking him questions and interacting with him. These are more comfortable with dudes. I mean, that's just a thing. I said as much because Lindsey Graham started getting fucking super mad at one point and he's yelling and he's screaming. And I thought, and I think I tweeted as much as basically like, look,

they don't need an intermediary to be angry. They only need one when they want to look sympathetic, right? They don't need one. That's true. They don't need one when they want to be angry because they're good at that, but it's when they want to look sympathetic. Now it's a big deal.

Now we need somebody else. Now we need the, you know, we got to hide behind this woman's skirts. When you have to outsource your empathy. I know. Like that's bad. I know. That is like, oh, I don't know how to relate to,

what do you call them? What do you call them? What do you call them? What do you call them? Wow, man. Is it an S at the end or no it's a e you use an e in that women women i don't know how men you know what mother doesn't let me talk to them that's exactly it really it's mother mother doesn't let me talk to him gotta hold a sheet up

to have a conversation with a woman it's a fuck it is unbelievable surprising to make her wear a burka we don't want to look bad. Hide behind her. Yeah. Like that. Are you serious? Yeah. Are you still like,

is she going to like beat up the bully on the playground for you too? I got to read what Orrin Hatch said too. Because after I heard this, I was like, okay, them vetted questions to a woman makes sense. So the tweet is, Hatch just called Ford, quote, an attractive witness, end quote.

Asked to elaborate what he meant, he said, quote, she's pleasing, end quote. I just don't. Why are these the leaders? One of the guys on the committee line was like, I can smell your cut. He just like jerks off and throws it in her hair. Right there. There you go. I bit my wrist. It's like the

fucking Sunderland Sons of the Lambs. Oh my God. It's unbelievable though. I mean like, there's a reason why they're going because they just they're so out of touch, man. They're all a million. They're all a million. They're all a million too. They're all a million. They're all a million. They're all a million, too. They're all a million. They're all old white dudes. And I'll tell you, man,

you watch these guys and how quickly they get outraged that Brett Kavanaugh had something happen to him, right? But not a single one of them said a peep while this woman is basically saying she was sexually assaulted.

Not a single one of them saying anything then. Yeah. Because again, like, like I'm joking around, but like, I don't think these are people who know how to empathize outside of like, well, you know what I mean? Like I'm a dude and I enjoy the various privileges of being a dude, you know what I gotta say? It's really great being a rich white guy. I loved it. Like if I could get born again tomorrow and I could choose rich white guy, I would check all three of those boxes. You know, and like, I'll be honest, I would check all three of those boxes too. Of course.

Right? Because I know that those confer certain privileges. That's why I would choose them over other things. It's just a fucking simple litmus test. A couple of the things that they tried to get you got you on was at one point they're trying to say you flew here, but

you said that when you mentioned this, you said you didn't want to fly. And they were trying to figure out where we were going to do this before you said you would fly out here. And we just want to confirm that you flew here and you said you didn't want to fly. And they were trying to figure out where we were going to do this before you said you would fly out here. And we just want to confirm that you flew here and you said on your CV that you travel here and you traveled here and you like to do this and you've been

here and you've been to the South Pacific. And she's like, yeah, I've traveled all those places. But like, it's kind of like this gotcha woman like, oh, you said you wouldn't come here for that, but hey guys, you're willing to travel for vacation. It's like, man, I have to take meds every time i get on a plane right i have to take meds i don't like to fly i don't fucking go out of my way to do it but i know i gotta get places fast if i want to try to preserve even a moment of my vacation right like it's just the way we do things in

in the modern times that's it period it's like you brought up a good point earlier and it's like, it's like, hey, do you want to, is it willing, are you willing to suffer some discomfort and anxiety to go to Fiji? Yeah. Yeah. I am.

Are you willing to suffer some discomfort and anxiety in order to have your character assassinated on national television? Well, no. Yeah. I'd prefer not to.

Look, to go to Fiji, I'll put cigarettes out of my arm. Like, I don't care. Like, I'll put a whole pack of cigarettes out on my arm, but I'd prefer not to. Look, to go to Fiji, I'll put cigarettes out of my arm. Like, I don't care. Like, I'll put a whole pack of cigarettes out on my arm. But I wouldn't do that so that I can take out the garbage later. Yeah, exactly. What the fuck?

What is worth the discomfort? The other one is like, that's going to suck anyway. It's going to suck the whole time. Like, oh, can we add another layer of suck to it? Well, maybe no. Because I got out of the room, so I didn't have to. They were asking her all kinds of questions

that were not, that were just, that were just trying to like, basically trying to assassinate her character. And I saw on Twitter tons of people because I was also tweeting

throughout the entire process. And there's all these guys that are tweeting, oh, she should have remembered this. Oh, she should, her memory is just, there's gaps in her memory she should remember.

She should have remembered how she got home that night. I would have remembered that. And you're just like, guys, here's a perfect example. The day my father passed away, I got a phone call, and I know who the phone call was from.

I know the conversation that we had. I know what happened directly after that phone call. I know the very next song that I listened to after I found out my father passed away. What I don't remember is what day my father passed away. What I don't remember is what day of the week it was. I don't remember that at all. I don't remember if I went to go see my mom that night or if I waited until the next morning. I literally don't remember. This happened, Tom, less than 10 years ago. And I don't remember those pieces of that at all. I

don't remember if I went home and drove straight down or if I stayed the night at my house and then drove down in the morning. I don't remember. I don't remember what I said to my wife afterwards. It was a traumatic moment for me. So some things are seared into my memory. Other things are not. That's how memory works. It turns out you don't remember everything perfectly crystal clear. Every single thing, like what the person was wearing, the way they did this and you know, how, how they, like, you don't remember all that stuff. But the thing is, we want to put her memory on trial for this as if, like, she

should have a perfectly photographic memory. Not only are we putting her memory on trial for this, we're putting her memory on trial from when she was in high school. Yeah, a long time ago. From a time period where her brain wasn't done forming into an adult brain. And 30 years ago. So it's decades ago where, you know, you're in a different cognitive place. You just suffered a trauma. And 30 years ago. So it's decades ago.

You're in a different cognitive place. You just suffered a trauma. And it's not like you can choose, like, oh, that was fucked up. That's what I'm going to commit to. We don't get to choose what we remember. We don't have that option. It doesn't speak to the veracity of something just because we missed a detail here or there.

It doesn't speak in either direction to the veracity, right? Either way. So it's a meaningless line of questioning. Yeah. And it's like real easy to do when you're not the one who suffered a trauma, right? Yeah, it's super easy. Here's what I would have done if I were traumatized. Oh yeah, were you fucking traumatized? It's exactly

like the, if I was there, I'd have beat that guy up. It's exactly that. It's that, that. It's just that. You're like, okay, great, man. Go live in your fucking Charlesles bronson jerk-off fantasy all day i have no time for that right but the other thing too that happened is brett kavanaugh of course he gave his side of testimony he was he was heated and upset he was very angry um yell you know raising his voice at one point he tries to talk about uh he is, you know, he basically says, you know, he believes that she was assaulted. Right. But at the same time, he accuses the Clintons of revenge.

And you're like, I don't know how those two things interact. I don't know how they work. Because you can't say one. If you're saying they're out for revenge on me, then everything she said is made up. Why would you go through, if you were the Clintons and you were making this all up, why would you go

through and find an actual sexual assault survivor and then just like, okay, we've replaced you a real assault assailant with this judge. Let's see if she notices. I love that there's Sanka.. I love that there's people out there that are so upset about political policies that they're willing to literally ruin their entire life over.

Can we talk about like, because that is, that is, that is a argument. And we talked before the show, that's an argument that people are making, right? Is that like the politics have gotten so heated. This, this Supreme Court nomination is so important. And I agree, it is so important to the future of this country. We're fucked. It's going to happen tomorrow. But like, it is very important. It's going to shape our policy for generations to come. So people are saying that is enough to drive certain people into creating a false narrative, right? So that's the thing, right?

But like, think about what this woman is going to have to live through personally now. This is a woman who's, you know, she has a target on her back for the rest of her life. She is always going to be harassed. You know, like, we all still remember Anita Hill. We will remember Dr. Ford. Yeah. A generation from now. Absolutely.

We will remember this woman. Absolutely. People will harass this woman at the fucking grocery store till the end of her fucking days. And for what? You know, and we talked before, like, it's not like this just appeared out of thin air.

The sexual assault was discussed by her with her therapist six years before. Like, that's a fucking long game. Yeah. That's a real long game. You gotta plan at that point. Like, oh, well, what if he does get nominated? You know,

I want to make sure that I'm in a position to torpedo that nomination. Sure. In the eventuality that more than half a decade from now, it may be possibly occurs. Right. Yeah. That's so Machiavellian. It's unbelievable. Only George Soros could pull that off.

That's like a Joker level. Right. Of planning ahead to know the six different fucking degrees that Kevin Bacon, you have to be in order to fucking plan that out. The 10-day weather forecast isn't reliable. We have a six-day Supreme...

Going back to Soros, though, we need that weather machine. That's going back to Soros. We got to get it from Trump. He's got a hold of it. And then the other problem that they were talking about was their back to Soros. I mean, we got to get it. We got to get it from Trump. He's got to hold it. Soros. Yeah. I like, and then the other problem that was, you know, that there was,

that they were talking about was there. What I felt were distractions, right? He's talking about his, you know, this calendar that he wrote down when he was a kid. And that is a thing that they kept on coming back to in this, in this testimony.

I'm just like, it's something he wrote down. Who cares? Like, it's not like you said earlier, it's not an exhaustive list of places. He like, it's something he wrote down. Who cares? Like, it's not, like you said earlier, it's not an exhaustive list of places he was.

It's not a fucking, it's not CCTV. It doesn't follow him around, know exactly where he was. It's not a GPS system on his phone. It's not an independently verified third-party system.

It's like he notarized every location he attended. It's just a fucking piece of paper he wrote on, man. What we were talking about before, like, my phone is my calendar. My phone is ridiculous. My phone tells me when I need to stop and get gas. So I remember to get gas. But if I get

gas on a day that is not in my calendar to get gas, I don't change my calendar. Right? Like, you as a teenage person in high school, if you got invited to something, you might just go to it. You know, guys, I can only go by calendar. This I know. Nobody does that. Yeah. Nobody does that. And literally meaningless unless you can somehow say

100 percent of every activity that you've ever every social event you've ever gone to appears without fail in this calendar. That's a fucking silly thing to say. That's a silly thing to say. I do think that there are some ways that he could have said... He could have come in and I think won everybody over by saying, I can't believe what Dr. Ford has gone through.

This is unbelievable. The trauma that she must have suffered in her young life to shape her throughout her whole life and change her is unbelievable. I never sexually assaulted her. I never did anything to her. But I recognize that she is a victim of sexual assault by someone. So I just want to say she's the type of person who people should look up to. Um, so I want, I just want to say, you know, she's a, she's the type of person who people should look up to.

And, you know, I think if he would have came in and said that and like not come in with guns blazing and screaming and yelling and being super mad about the whole process and being like, my family's gone through hell and then man crying about his dad fucking filling out a calendar. I think it would have totally been a different story. Yeah. Just being a little bit empathetic. And he did say those things, but it never came off like he meant them.

He said them bitterly. He said, yeah, he kind of bitterly said it. He said them very bitterly. So I just, like when he's doing this, I'm just like,

God, you couldn't fuck this up more. Yeah. But I, I don't, I don't think that's going to change anything. I'm just saying, he looks like an idiot.

At the end of the day, here's what happens. The people who already don't care are going to not care tomorrow. And those people didn't, like, they're the majority. It's a simple majority. They're going to vote. They're going to vote. I don't care.

I want my guy who will vote on the things that I want him to vote on. He's the one I want. I want to give him that job. They already decided. The other thing, too, is like politically, it would be so damning to get somebody all the way through the nomination confirmation process and then have your own party reject that person. The Republicans get somebody all the way into the nomination and confirmation process and then their own party refuses to confirm that person. Yeah. It makes them look weak.

They can't afford to look weak, especially in the climate leading up to the midterms. They can't afford this political loss. So it's going to happen. They want this guy because at the end of the day, they don't care who he is as a person. What they care about is that he will make the decisions that they want him to make. They're hiring for a job and they know this guy is going to fucking pull the levers in the order I want my levers pulled. And that's all this process matters about.

He's getting confirmed tomorrow. And the other thing that happens is this woman's life is fucking garbage. This woman's life is garbage. Those two things are just true. Absolutely ruined. They kept on talking about this FBI investigation. A bunch of people brought it up. They brought up the FBI investigation many, many times.

Well, what's the big deal about an FBI investigation? FBI investigation, lying to the FBI is a crime. But an FBI investigation, they said so in the hearing that the FBI investigation would not produce a result. They would just give you the investigation. They would give you the data that they collected. But what the FBI investigation does do, and we also looked up that perjury to the Senate is a criminal offense, so it's the same thing, but they're not conducting an investigation. That's the thing. It's like they're doing a magic trick on us, right? They're saying, well, here we are right now where you can ask me any questions you want. Yeah, I can ask you any

questions, but I can't corroborate anything else that anybody else says with any teeth that is not in this room. Those people that were involved in this years and years and years ago, I can't ask them any questions because they're not here. And if the FBI asks them questions and they lie about it, then it's a big deal. Well, the FBI gets more than five minutes of pop to ask questions. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think importantly, they can go and talk to that judge guy. Right. And they can say, hey, man. Right. You can't lie about this. We're the FBI. And then you get a chance to talk to him, not just read his prepared statement, which is a totally different thing. Right. Yep. And they're get a chance to talk to him, not just read his prepared statement, which is a totally different thing.

And they're making it seem like, oh, well, the FBI investigation won't do anything. Oh, well, this is just as good as FBI investigation. It's not. It's not at all. If you're really the guy who is 100% I fucking did not do this, then fucking bring the FBI, bring the

CIA, bring fucking the NSA. Let's get this on. Right. You know, you and I have been friends forever. So like if, if somebody accused either one of us of something and it was like, yeah, Cecil was there when Tom did this terrible thing, like you would come running. Of course you would come. And I would do like the same thing. There's no world. There's no world where it's like, like I'd be on the steps of every building you're in and being like, I was supposed to have been there

and that did not happen. And you and I can each categorically say for the other person, you've never raped anybody with me in the room, right? You've never raped anybody with me in the room and you can categorically say the same thing. It's the easiest thing to say. I've never raped anybody with you in the room.

Right. Now that's happened outside of those rooms. That is a private moment that is between me and justice kavanaugh okay he got a little handsy that's all i'm saying but in any case like like you can categorically say he shouldn't have been wearing those judge robes if he didn't tell you what i have that lace doiler on my neck and he can't control himself he just can't control himself. He just can't control himself. He's like, Ruth, is that you? But you can categorically say that. And why isn't this guy running to help out his friend?

Why wouldn't this guy want to be interviewed by the FBI or be interviewed by the Senate? And the thing is, you would do it for even somebody you hated. Yeah. If I knew something didn't happen and I saw somebody being accused, it could be somebody I fucking love. And I'm like, all right, that's still not right. Yeah. I know you have a moral obligation that these things aren't happening.

Doesn't play well. Yeah. Right. It doesn't. It doesn't. And it's and it's and I think it doesn't play well and it's not happening because this is all political theater. None of this matters. Yep. Yep. I think I want to be really, really clear. None of this matters. None of it matters. It didn't matter in the beginning. It didn't matter at the end. It won't matter tomorrow. When this guy is a Supreme Court justice, it's fucking not going to matter. This is all just theater. It's all grandstanding. And at the end of the day, the only thing that happens is this woman's life is

fucking altered. And not for the better. This guy's still a Supreme Court justice. Everything else that goes on, the Democrats still hate the Republicans, the Republicans still hate the Democrats.

Yeah. And this woman gets to go back to a shattered life. Trumpy, you can do stupid things. All right. So this story's from The Guardian. The strangest moments

from Donald Trump's U.N. press conference. Let's just watch the video, Tom. I'll pause it after each comment and we can have a little discussion about it. China has total respect for Donald Trump and for Donald Trump's very, very large brain. I just blazed itself. I love it. I just blazed itself. I love it.

It just blazed itself. A brain. My very large brain. He can't even talk about himself in the first person. You know somebody. Look, hey, this rule is always right. Anybody that talks about themselves in the third person is the worst person. There isn't. I can't think of anybody who...

It is 100% douchebaggery. Yeah. It's simply like it's Jersey Shore shit. It is. The situation. Don't know about the situation. It's Bob Dole stuff. Bob Dole doesn't know how to hold a pencil.

Not in one hand anyway. I love too that he was like, my big pause and search for the word. And then he's like, a brain. I like that he doesn't say brain, either. He says, a brain. I want to hear it again, actually. China has total respect for Donald Trump

and for Donald Trump's very, very large a brain. A brain. A brain. My brain is so brain. A brain. My brain is so big. Fucking amazing. It's a big because

the size of your brain is what makes you smart. I don't know how brains work. It's the size of your brain. Those hydrocephalus kids. Geniuses.

Amazing. Mad geniuses. Unbelievable. Those kids. I have an enormous a brain. geniuses mad geniuses unbelievable those kids I have an enormous a brain it's an enormous big giant brain I love too

that like when he's talking about his big brain he uses big a three letter child's adjective it's like the first thing you learn amazing why has president trump given so much adjective. It's like the first thing you learn. Amazing. Why has President Trump given so much to North Korea? I said, if I

wasn't elected, you would have had a war. President Obama thought you had to go to war. You know how close he was to pressing the trigger for war? There's no war trigger. Pressing the trigger for war. First of all, don't you pull triggers? No, you do pull triggers.

You do pull triggers. So he's just like pressing at a trigger. Like, I don't, doesn't work. I got a huge. He's pressing it forward. God damn it. I want to go to war, people.

Where's the war trigger? Huh? That's not how. Pressing the trigger. You know, like part of me wonders if like the generals don't like give him fake stuff like don't press the war trigger donald and he's got like this fake war trigger that he thinks if he presses it it's gonna giant and it's just the outer casing

all right and the trigger on a housing and that's it's like lots of wires and light bulbs and stuff what is that trigger guard is that what the thing is and then the trigger and that's it. It's like lots of wires and light bulbs and stuff attached to it. What is that, trigger guard? Is that what the thing is? And then the trigger and that's it. But it's huge. It's got to be like the size of his forearm. It's got to be huge. Huge.

We're not doing well. Let me call the Russians to help. We have pictures of President Trump. Whoa, where can I get him? Wow, that's a lot of hands. He seriously is. No, these are cutting. These are cuts.

I just want to point out these are cuts. So we are cutting each time he says something new. There is a cut that they're cutting to the tape. But the stuff he is saying.

There's never been a president that did imitation mockery. Right. Like before. That is. And that's imitation mockery. Right. Like before. That is. And that's a new level. That's because like middle schoolers stopped doing that because they recognize that that's fucking child shit. Like middle schoolers.

Right. Won't do that anymore. It's the hardy-dirty stuff. It is. Yeah. Where you're just like, oh, yeah, we don't do that anymore. He made it. Like you guys can't see, but like he made a silly voice. Yeah. And he made a silly face. He's like, oh, yeah, we don't do that anymore. Like, you guys can't see, but he made a silly voice.

And he made a silly face. He's like, oh, reporters are like this. I write stuff down. I have a pen and paper. Democrats are like this. Yeah, he's like doing the duck motion. He's like walking across. Oh, I'm a Democrat.

I have poopy pants. He's like the least presidential human being. Why is he in Pittsburgh? I'm Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I'm so old. Oh. Could you imagine though? This would be the best president show ever.

Like fuck Veep, fuck West Wing, have a show where the guy was basically, um, uh, Billy Madison, Billy Madison as president. Could you,

I mean like fucking, that's just, that's what it is now. Yeah. This is a guy. That's what it is now. But I'm saying like, let's,

let's make it fiction. Let's not make it reality. So I don't cry. Let's make it fiction, Tom. Yeah. saying, like, let's make it fiction. Let's not make it reality. So I don't cry? Let's make it fiction, Tom. Because I carry a razor blade for eventualities of splitting my wrist. But it's not. This is a fiction. I'm going to wake up.

I am going to wake up, and I'm... Ooh, look at me! I'm going to wake up one day! You're with who? Hannah Thomas-Peter from Sky News. Okay, good. Sky News. Thank you, Mr. President.

Congratulations on the purchase. Nothing to do with me. I hope you benefited. Yeah, you. That looks like he's shocked. This is going to be not good. It's going to be good, sir. The guy looks totally stunned. Have you ever been picked before for a question?

Excuse me, you said where? From where? Rudao Media Network from Kurdistan region, north of Iraq. I'm a Kurd. Good. Great people. Thank you, sir. Great people. Mr. President. Thank you. Are you a Kurd? Mr. President. Good. They're great people. He's not even paying

attention to the guy with the microphone. He like looks away. Mr. President. Mr. President. Are you a Kurd? Who's Kurdish in here? Are there any other black people? Does anybody have any lemon curd? Because I love lemon curd. Not as much as I like chocolate cake. A huge piece of chocolate cake.

The guy's going to throw his shoe at Trump to get his attention. The great fighters. I like them a lot. Let's go. I like this question so far. Yes, please. Mr. Let's go. I like this question so far. Yes, please. Mr. Curd. Mr. Curd. That name again is Mr. Curd.

Mr. Curd. Holy shit, man. You, Mr. Negro. You know what? I'll take one from the Jew. Let me get one from the Jew. Mr. Jew? Or is it Mr.

Mr. Dago. You over there. That's unbelievable. Mr. Kurt. This guy is the goddamn. Mr. Kurt. He's a trend. Mr. Kurt.

New York Times. Come on. New York Times. The failing New York Times. Stand up. Go ahead. I like President Xi a lot I think he's a friend of mine

He may not be a friend of mine anymore But I think he probably respects From what I hear You were talking about He can't even That's not even a sentence man I want somebody to diagram that sentence So here's the thing

Audience Here's what I want you to do I'm going to play this clip again About Like President Xi I'm going to play the clip again about President Xi. I'm going to play the clip again about President Xi. You guys diagram this sentence. I like President Xi a lot. I think he's a friend of mine. He may not be a friend of mine anymore, but I think he

probably respects from what I hear. Okay. Okay. Whoever is out there that knows the English language, I would love to see a diagram of that sentence. It's going to be a target, right? Once you're finished, it's a target, and then you shoot yourself through it. Is that how it works? That's the only option to try to understand it. You can fucking put that thing in a gun

and shoot it into my brain, and I still could. My brain's not big. No, a brain. I believe respects from what I hear. You were talking about your administration's accomplishments at the United Nations and a lot of the leaders laughed. Well, that's fake news. What was that experience like? It was fake news and it was covered that way.

Okay. They weren't laughing at me. They were laughing with me. We had fun. When you say, does it affect me in terms of my thinking with respect to Judge Kavanaugh? Absolutely, because I've had it many times. When I see it, I view it differently than somebody sitting home watching television where they say, oh, Judge Kavanaugh, this or that. It's happened to me many times. I've had many false charges.

If we brought George Washington here and we said we have George Washington, the Democrats would vote against him, just so you understand. And he may have had a bad past. Who knows? You know, he may have had some, I think, accusations made. Didn't he have a couple of things in his past? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are we disparaging George Washington? I think, I think he started to, he, so what he's doing's doing i think in that particular instance is he says something and then he reads the room and people are like what the fuck is he talking and then they start laughing about it because they're like they're nervous laughter but then he thinks he might have said something that was wrong so instead now he's treating it as a sarcastic comment rather than a

regular comment so he's just he's just changing tone he's just changing tone mid-stride? He's just changing tone, I think, mid-stride to sort of say, no, I was being sarcastic the whole time. I think that's what he's doing. If you listen to that, I think that's what it feels like to me. Isn't he also saying with that comment, though, like, even our heroes are scumbags? Right. Yeah.

I mean, isn't that like... I think so. Isn't he sort of suggesting that if you look into anybody's past, you'll find somebody raped? Like, hey't that like, I think so. Isn't he sort of suggesting that if you look into anybody's past, you'll find somebody raped? Like, hey, come on. Look, if you were a power, you'd probably rape somebody. You got two choices. It's either you rape somebody or wooden teeth. Those are your two options.

Maybe both. That's fucking crazy. Maybe both. He's like, yeah, lots of times it happens to me. You were on TV talking about sexually assaulting women like it happens to you because you sexually assault women you kind of had to be involved in that by your own fucking admission huge a brain have a couple of things in his past always like to finish with a good one elton john, when you hit that last tune and it's good, don't go back.

Well, let me ask you. I've seen. Have you ever seen? They do great. They're great. They hit the last one. Everyone goes crazy. Then they go back.

He just is insane. That man is insane. He might be the worst public speaker of all time. He's so bad. He's so bad. He's so bad. Does he complete a single thought without interrupting himself? He doesn't very often. I get upset when I get interrupted.

Like if I'm trying to make a point and I get it right. Cause I think it's rude. If I interrupted myself that much, I would be upset with me. I would take myself outside for a stern talking to right about manners. Right. And he, and almost feels like he's wasting time too. Like he's stall stalling for time because he knows he has an hour and he's making

jokes and not funny jokes but jokes nonetheless he is absolutely in love with himself one of the things that they talk about um specifically in this is the trump is the speech he gives at the uh united nations and i want to play a clip of that because you can hear the people in the audience and how they react to him. Madam President, Mr. Secretary General, world leaders, ambassadors, and distinguished delegates. One year ago, I stood before you for the first time in this grand hall. You were as disgusted then as you are now. All of you, most of you threw up in the back row.

Several of you looked around in abject disbelief that this was actually our new reality. And many of you that got a whiff of me smelled my musk. I addressed the threats facing our world and I presented a vision to achieve a brighter future for all of humanity. As long as you're rich and you live in my country.

And you're not from a shithole country. If you live anywhere else or if you're poor and you're from my country or if you're poor and you're trying to get into my country, you're fucked. Or if you're a woman in my country. Okay, so really about 3%. It's about the top 3% of heterosexual rich white guys.

Today I stand before the United Nations General Assembly to share the extraordinary progress we've made. In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country. Okay, they're laughing. You can hear them. There's a chuckle that's running through them. Now, you also have to understand that some of these people are on delay.

They're getting a translation. They're just like, that wasn't out loud. America is so true didn't expect that reaction but that's okay you know like he handles it really really well gotta say he handles it really well yeah he handles it well but they are laughing at him. But the world just laughed in your face. They're laughing at him.

You know, like, I remember when people were, they opposed Obama, right? And they said, oh, you know, Obama's going to make us the laughingstock of the world, right? And that Obama's not a strong leader,

that he will not be taken seriously. He was given a Nobel Peace Prize almost immediately, and the world loved and received him. Yeah. Especially after the debacle of W. Absolutely the world received him very very well and like he just got laughed at by earth right like the leaders of earth were like yeah what you've done literally nothing good ever and like they laughed at him and then he says says like, that's not the, what I was expecting. And I kind of be like,

do you not know that? Like most of America didn't want you. You lost the popular, the popular vote. You lost. Most of us here didn't want you. The world is not in favor of you. Is he that obtuse?

Does he, do you think, I think, I think he surrounds himself with yes-men. I think he watches only things that confirm his bias and the things he does on occasion that

go past his face or his ears or that are told to him that are negative, he treats as people that are trying to detract from him. He takes any he take any, and you, this is,

this is clearly narcissism on his part. Because if you watch all the things that he's done in the past, every time it's, it's an attack on his policies, he takes it personally. Right. It's a personal attack against him. It's fake news.

It's a, it's a personal attack. Right. And so he's taking it every time. So you, he never separates himself from those things. And so I think he's way too fragile to... He can't withstand the damage

of everybody in the world basically being... So he's just going to say, oh, this is an anomaly. These are not... He's going to say it's an anomaly. Right. It's an anomaly when the world leaders gather together to mock the fact

that I said I've accomplished. Yeah. Like, imagine that for a moment. Like, I've done a lot of good things in my country. Ha ha ha! What? Oh. Maybe nobody likes the things I'm doing. It'd be like if one of the dictators got up there that had murdered a bunch of people and said, I am, you know, human rights.

If Kim Jong-un came up and said, we practice, we are very strict with our human rights in our country. We're humanitarian aid as constant. We make sure that all human beings have a right to exist and live and prosper. People would laugh their ass off. They'd be like, are you fucking kidding me, dude?

You're three generations in a fucking concentration camp. Are you kidding? This is a dude with a micro penis that has been told his whole life that he's a porn star. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And he just like unveiled it and everyone's like,

what is that? What? That's adorable. That's a toadstool as it turns out. A toadstool with a yeti head beard or something she said. A toadstool with a yeti beard. Oh, God. You know,

we were talking earlier about things that are seared in your memory, like Ford. Can you imagine being Stormy Daniels and having that seared in your memory? I love it when she describes

the encounter. How do you eat stuffed portabellos after that? You know what I mean? Like, how do you do it? She thought it would be better. She thought he was a fun guy. Yeah.

He was. He was. He was $130,000 worth of fun. That's pretty good, though. Like, that's pretty good money. That's good. $130,000 for seven minutes worth of work? Yeah.

Good retirement investment. Yeah. I still love that. I let him fuck me for seven minutes worth of work? Yeah. Good retirement investment. Yeah. I still love that. I'd fuck... I let him fuck me for seven minutes or whatever. I still love that fictional account of him pretending to... That person who said he called up

and said, I would like little pizzas on the pizza. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's so funny. That's so great. And that's just perfect. That's just,

I'm gonna eat little pizzas on the pizza. Like, oh, it's so amazing. That would be the perfect. When they get Adam Sandler to play him in in a movie. In his biopic. It's going to be Adam Sandler's greatest role.

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You fucking rock. Okay, Cecil. Yeah. I know the year is not over. I know. I know it's not. This is an amazing story. But I love this story. Like, I love my family. I love this story. In maybe reverse order.

This is from The Guardian. And I had to double check, like, is this real? Is this real? Yeah. No, no. When I read it, too, I was like, is this real? Is this real? Yeah. Is this real? No, no. When I read it, too, I was like, what the fuck? Because it's all over the place. So, Cecil, I'm going to make this a talkie.

I'm going to read this story, and we will come, because this is just perfect. Demons and Armageddon. Details emerge in naked kidnapping case. A group of five who kidnapped three people and crashed their car believe they were escaping the end of the world and faced imminent danger. Three people who were arrested naked by Canadian police after kidnapping their neighbors and crashing their car into another vehicle were Jehovah's Witnesses who believe that they were escaping the end of the world, according to court documents. When they call them up in court, will they call a Jehovah's Witness to the stand?

Is that what's going to happen? I would like to call Jehovah to the witness stand. In a plea document obtained by the Canadian press, two women and a man admitted to kidnapping three people in the western province of Alberta last year, which brought a degree of clarity to the bizarre incident last November. I got to say, like, when you agree that, yeah, I kidnapped three people and that brings clarity to the situation. Like, oh, geez, that clears it all up.

That situation is fucked, right? This is also like one of the women also pleaded guilty to dangerous driving. Well, that's important. Traffic ticket, you stacked on the end of this thing. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police launched an investigation after they were called to the scene of a car crash in an industrial park in Nisku, south of Edmonton.

They arrived to find a white BMW that had collided with a truck. Inside were five people, four of them naked, despite the centimeters of snow on the ground and temperatures that hubbed around 14 degrees. Four naked people. You don't look up to that car as the cop.

You just go, nope. And then you turn around and you walk away like, nope, I'm done. I'm good. No, I'm calling in Bill. This is Bill's. I don't want to write up the paperwork for this one. How weird is it when you're the one wearing clothes in the car?

You're like, come on. Let me take off my pants too. You're the prude. Keep your pants on. No one wants to see you. It's just mean. It's not a toadstool. It's a toadstool surrounded by Yeti hair.

What do you want? According to the plea document, the episode had begun several days earlier when one of the women took her two teenage daughters to visit her 27-year-old nephew and his 30-year-old wife, who lived in Luddock, Alberta. Wait, hold on, hold on. So you're sitting in the car naked

with your nephew and his wife and your daughters? Yeah, and your two teenage daughters. Well, this will all come... Clarity will arise. It's not even warm out. Like, I mean, I can understand if, like, you're fleeing a nudist

colony or it's really, really hot out or something. And you're like, I gotta run. And everybody's just like, God, I'm so warm. And everybody's like, I'm real warm, too. This is the start of a movie. This is the start of a movie uh after three days at the house during which the group barely ate i why they came to believe they had lived through the great

tribulation a period of suffering which some evangelical christians believe heralds the second coming hey now that's why they're all naked that's why they were yeah so believing they were in imminent danger the group fled the house. But in their haste, none of the family except the mother managed to get dressed. Okay, no, it's even worse

than I thought before. Before, I was just like, oh, they're just in the car naked. No, they were hanging out in the house naked. That's my, that's, thank you. For a while.

Yeah. Clearly long enough to be surprised enough to not get dressed. For, it's a quote, four who were naked were changing, but they had to leave right away because it was unsafe, so they left without clothes.

No, they were not. So they're all simultaneously changing. Let's all change. We'll all be in the exact same state of undress at the same time. And go. I know, right? It's a race. Okay, and we have one. It's like you're playing musical one. It's like, it's like you're playing like musical clothes.

It's like one set of clothes. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. Maybe they're playing truth or dare. And the mom is just baller at it. She's just like,

no, nobody's ever getting my clothes off. I'm all Darren all day. I want to know like what in that room, like, or house. I don't know. Like what,

what changed from moment one to moment two where you're like, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to go ahead and get changed. Oh God, the tribulation. know like what what changed from moment one to moment two where you're like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna go ahead and uh get changed oh god the tribulation yeah i'll tell you what it is it's at the end of the article they say it was maybe hallucinogenic oh imagine that yeah and they're like yeah no that's probably what it was so the group piled into a bmw suv which the mother drove through the garage door to make their escape.

It's just like, we don't have time to open the garage. Smash up the escape vehicle. I love too. They're going to drive away from revelation. They're going to hurriedly. We got to get to exit nine. Guys,

we've got a jog walk here, but then they decided they needed to rescue the neighbors from God. They forced the man into the trunk of their vehicle and made his adult daughter and her baby climb into the backseat. Okay, wait. Now, this just screams unprepared. They're not dressed. They don't even lift the garage door. They go next door and they have to stuff a guy in the trunk. Like, these people are the least prepared people ever.

You are not ready for the end of the world. You are not ready. You are not a prepper. I was going to say, these are anti preppers. Could you imagine like you're at home and like four people rush your house naked in a panic and shove your dad into their car and they're like, get in. God's coming. had into their car. And they're like, get in! God's coming! And you're like,

I'll stay here. You can keep that or whatever. So, I got a question for you. Let's say you got a bunch of those Jim Baker buckets at your home.

You're waiting for the apocalypse. Yeah. And a bunch of people come over and they eat all your buckets. You know what those people are?

Stuffed preppers. people are. Stuffed preppers. That is such a dad joke. That's amazing. That's so bad. Stuffed preppers. Delicious. He cooked those right in a bucket. They did so because they believed they were in danger

either from bad or wicked people outside or from demons. Or from demons. It does not rule things out, Tom. The BMW that raced down the highway, blasting through a red light as its occupants chanted Jehovah over and over. Again,

imagine you're one of the kidnapped dudes. I will tell you, man you're one of the kidnapped dudes. I will tell you, man, this would be the best movie I've ever seen. Oh, my God. At first, it would be a great made-for-TV movie after school. It would be an amazing Netflix series. It would be awesome on Pornhub.

I don't care what... I literally don't care what medium you show this to me. I think it would kill. According to the document, the three neighbors managed to escape when the SUV slowed down and flagged down a passing truck. Quote, it's the middle of the winter and people are running around with no shoes on. You stop to help them, said Derek Scott, the truck's driver. The neighbors climbed aboard the truck, but the relief was short-lived.

The SUV rammed Scott's truck and both vehicles ended up in a snow-filled ditch. Jesus Christ. When police responded to the accident, they faced a group who, quote, displayed extreme strength and refused to leave. These guys are on PCP, man, or whatever. They're so wasted.

According to the court document, one of the teens believed the officers were, quote, monsters who would kill them. No word on whether they were in America and the team was black. Police eventually resorted to using a combination of pepper spray and tasers to subdue and arrest the passengers. They're screaming like, keep the poison spitting electricity monsters away from me. You know, you answered your previous question, though, because that line would have said,

and they were shot to death in America. So, yeah, you answer your previous question though, because that line would have said, and they were shot to death in America. So yeah, you answer your own question. We, they use non-lethal means in order to subdue them. So no, they're not in America. No,

the cops would be like, I don't know. Bomb the SUV. I don't know. Is there any, can we just like, can we just like exploit, can we just shoot it off into space?

At the time, police suspected drugs or alcohol might've been a factor in the incident. The father of the two teens, told investigators that he fears the group might have consumed a hallucinogenic tea. Yeah, that sounds likely. They probably

consumed all of the hallucinogenic tea. It sounds like they did bath salts, man. What the fuck? It's a Marxist-Communist psychological warfare operation. I assure you, the man behind all of it is Barack Hussein Obama, America's chief street organizer,

rabble-rouser, troublemaker. He's behind this stuff. This story's from Right Wing Watch. Blazing Ford, quote, involved in mind control programs, says Dave Shanda and his obviously reliable sources. Now, see, now Right Wing Watch,

you're getting a little, a little snarky here. Let's play this. This is a clip from Dave Janda. This is a Right Wing Radio host. Dave Janda appeared on Greg Hunter's USA Watchdog program. So here we go.

There's also some information and two of my sources have said, yes, this is correct. One of my sources says they cannot confirm this. But there's this information out there that she has worked as a CIA contractor. Let's talk about Ford here. Has worked as a CIA contractor. In the past

and possibly even to the present. Doing what? Why would you have sources? Who are you that you have sources? I know, right? According to my sources, that's your dog. You're talking to your dog. You made this up. Who the fuck has sources? I reportedly was involved in

the mind control program. Oh in the mind control program. Oh, the mind control program. Well, clearly she got to one of your sources who didn't know anything about everything. Good God, man. She's already got to one of them. She's just got the men in black flashing pen that just walks.

She's walking through the hearings today. I have a question for you. What's up? If you were in the mind control program, why would anyone ever know you were in the mind control program? They would all just be like,

she makes a great bunt cake. That's what they would say. They would never say anything with you and mind control in the same sentence. These would never be the droids you're looking for. Exactly. When I spoke to my sources about threats of violence in these texts, that this is what I had heard.

And they said they confirmed it. They said that there are. I checked these Internet rumors with other people on the Internet. That's exactly it, too. And some other sources. My sources is cute. Right. It's 4chan.

It's some board or something. It's like he heard it. He heard this shit from random Internet trolls. And then he checked with another random Internet troll who says, I'm totally not a random Internet troll. I'm a fucking Navy SEAL and I'll beat up your mom. Like, are you fucking talking to me, bro? There are there is significant harm directed at Trump in these texts. We're talking about harm like they want to knock him off.

They want to kill him. I don't know the exact wording. I haven't heard the exact wording. All I knew, all I have heard and all I know is that I was told that there was violence that was directed toward Trump. I have been told that military tribunals are not just going to happen. They have been in place and they have been operational is the word I was told. If military tribunals are happening, which is what everybody's been talking about now recently, that's the big thing. That's the big thing that people, there's a couple of,

there was one I saw with Liz Croken and said military tribunals, a bunch of other people, that one crazy firefighter guy said last week. They're all talking about military tribunals as a way to execute people, as a way to try and execute people sort of off the record.

I don't understand why you would ever have an off the record trial. Right. A trial is a justice proceeding. If you're just going to kill people, you're like a secret shadow cabal. Just kill the people you don't like. Just be like,

do you like me? Check yes or no. And then you die. It seems like a weird unnecessary step. It's like you're rubbing it in or something. It's a trial, but you don't get to defend yourself. And afterwards, we're going to kill you. And we've already made our decision.

Can we skip it? No, we want this to be officially not official. What the fuck? What? Which is, huh? Already going on. They're already taking people to task in military tribunal. That is my understanding from my sources that I trust.

And? I trust literally everyone. No kidding. I trust everyone. All of Twitter, all of 4chan, all of Reddit. Did I miss anyone? No. That's all of them.

That's everybody. specification will ultimately lead to the attorney general, Jeff Sessions, to at least on a partial basis, if not complete basis, to unrecuse himself. And then he's going to re-recuse himself, and then he's going to recuse himself, and then unrecuse himself, and eventually he's going to be an Ouroboros, and he's going to have to eat his own dick. Why? How would that even work? I excuse my recuse. I'm I'm,

I accuse my recuse of excuse. No, I don't know. I'm just, I'm going home. You know how it works is you put your left foot in. Yeah, I think they probably,

I think he might've tried to institute a conversation with Trump trying to might've tried to institute a conversation. He's talking when he says that might've tried to answer. He's now he's talking. Cause I did did hear this earlier He's actually talking about Obama Here so he switched gears But can we talk about the way this guy speaks Like he speaks in a way That like somebody who does not understand

Formality and language Is like these are words and I put them together Completely wrong mostly always Let's institute a conversation about it. That's exactly the wrong word. He's like a grade school kid that has to write a formal memo for the first time.

Yeah. And then he types it all up and hands it in. That's what it feels like. I work with people that try to write formally from time to time that just don't have enough facility

with the language to do it. And I hand it back. I'm like, you can't send this. You can't send this to people. Anyone that reads this is going to think you're a fucking idiot and you don't know what you're talking about. Or you're doing the needful. You're from a different country or something.

This is not your first language. This sounds like your seventh language. And the first six were all practice. It sounds like your seventh language on Duolingo. Protect himself. And what happened? I don't, the word I heard is I don't think it went well for Obama. Hold on. We're breaking a little news here. You're telling me, if I get this right, that your sources say Barack Obama reached out to Donald Trump and said, we need to talk

about this failed coup, basically. And Trump told him you can go, you know, take a walk. Is that what you're telling me? I have one source that told me that Obama had reached out to Trump about a meeting and that the meeting did not go well for Obama. Oh, he did have a meeting. I'm just telling what I was told. Why can't we get that guy on? Why do we have to get mouthpiece

Magoo here? We have to get this guy who has the one, he has one iPhone earpiece in. It's like the cheapest fucking setup you've ever seen for any studio guy in your life. He's in his grandma's living room. There's still fucking

plastic on the couch behind him. Do you think he's got that in so he looks like a fake Secret Service agent or something? His granny's called the other room. Don't you drink chocolate milk on my couch! I made ants out of log! David, couch. I made ants out of log. David, do you want some

ants out of log? I love it. I gotta go. Grandma's my source. Sorry, my source is telling me I have ants out of log. I'm out of here. I'm going to take a bath at 8 o'clock.

It's 8 o'clock already. I got to go. I was told. And you're saying that he did have a meeting with Obama, who's trying to save himself. It was my understanding that Obama had reached out to Trump. This is what I was told. And was trying to institute a conversation.

Trying to not cut a deal, but well, maybe cut a deal. And that Trump is firmly in the camp of restitution of the rule of law, no matter who it involves. Unless it's him, of course. And the Russians. Because when I think Trump, I think that's a guy who's interested in the rule of law. When I think Trump, I think fair. You want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers! I want the truth! You can't handle the truth! This is the story from Right Wing Watch. Gordon Glingenschmitt decries the homosexualization of Bert and Ernie. All right. This is going to be amazing. This is Gordon.

The puppets are simply puppets. They are not perverse. Gordon, you can fuck a puppet. Don't ask me how I know that, but you can fuck a puppet. I don't want to get into it, but. Wait, if you fuck the puppet, is the puppet perverse or are you perverse, but you can fuck a puppet. I don't want to get into it, but... Wait, if you fuck the puppet, is the puppet perverse or are you perverse? You can definitely fuck a puppet. And it's way better.

We've talked about this before, but it's way better when they have googly eyes. It's way better. That's a requirement. Because then one eye's going this way and the other eye's going the other way. It's like fucking someone with a lazy eye. I mean, it's just awesome. The dream. That's awesome. That is the dream. Thank you very

much. And I think Mark Saltzman, I mean, if we were to take a moment and discern the spirits here, Mark Saltzman. Oh, let's take a moment and discern the spirits. Please, let's do it. Yeah, I wasn't going to give myself time for that. I was busy discerning this puppet over here, but we want to do the spirits. I'm down. By projecting his own sexuality upon beloved children's puppets is actually trying to recruit children into his perverse lifestyle so that he can... Nobody sucks a dick

because the creator of a puppet show based the relationship of those puppets on his relationship with a partner. Nobody's like like you know what pussy's gross yeah because ew fucking that unibrow puppet over there is in love with his best friend yeah nobody ever sucked a dick because they're like well ernie told me yeah right ernie said i needed a cock in my mouth ernie's mouth candy ernie has to just like like you can't even deep throat ernie because henie because it ends.

Plus, if you're fucking a Sesame Street, it's Cookie Monster all day. Absolutely. It's Cookie Monster all day. Big Bird, maybe. The jaw action would be amazing. Yeah. Working out that jaw all the time? Absolutely. All day. Yeah. Stay away from the count. Oh, that's pointy.

Too pointy. And then that garbage one's got STDs for sure. Yeah, I would definitely stay away from Oscar the Grouch. You're absolutely right. Yeah. But, you know. Too hard to put in a mood.

And you want to stay away from Snuffleupagus because that's like having a chick in Niagara Falls. Nobody believes she exists. And you're just like, come on, I fuck Snuffleupagus. I'm telling you I fucked it.

With a fucking schlong like that, I think Snuffleupagus fucks you. I would feel insecure. Well, you don't have to choose. You know? We can go reach aroundsies. We're okay with that. Yeah, I don't know.

Being Snuffleupagus. I'm not going to pretend. Like, you fucking have a six-inch dog or a six-foot dog. Six foot? Are you kidding me? I'm like, ah, I feel a little weird about this. It's like one of those weird animes going on here.

That's yours. I can't help that. Eventually recruit them to become what he is. And the sad part of this is that if homosexuals, because they don't have their own children, they have to recruit the children of heterosexual couples in order. Because that's how it works. Because I just like, like, it's a game of tag. Right. Tag your gay. that's how it works. Because I just like, like that's, it's a game of tag,

right? Tag you're gay. That's how it works. Oh man. I'm so that's why that's. And actually that, that makes sense because that's why heterosexual couples only ever have heterosexual children.

Absolutely. So they only recruit those children to heterosexuality. So like I look and look, when I'm thinking about what turns me on, I think about what gets dad hard. Yeah, absolutely. And you know what's gross is your son thinks the same thing. Isn't that, I mean,

everything is like, I know everything is like a Freudian Oedipus complex to these people. Because they're constantly talking about like, well, what is, what is, you know, what are your parents? How do, how do your parents basically affect your sex life? And I can say, you know, 100% for me, not at all. Like I never once thought, I never thought of my parents as sexual individuals.

I never had any moment to think about them like that. So it never affected me. It was always, it was always external stimuli from the family because my parents didn't even talk to me about the birds and the bees

until I was well after knowing about the birds and the bees. I don't, I don't even understand like what if you were raised by a single parent? Yeah.

You know, that like didn't have a romantic relationship with anybody. You're like, I don't know, I'm asexual. Yeah.

I can only, I'm only attracted to my own masturbation. Like, He's like, I don't know, I'm asexual. I'm only attracted to my own masturbation. These guys have no idea how any of this works. What they are is they're wondering why they're gay. This guy is wondering why he's gay. And he's looking around at external forces like, I don't know,

maybe it's demons or sexy puppets. I don't know what does it. It's got to be something. I don't know what does it, but I really want to suck a dick. Well, it's interesting because and then he'll blame, it was clearly blaming something that probably didn't happen to him.

He wasn't raised by gay people. You know what I mean? But that's why his argument doesn't make sense. He's trying to find something. So none of it made sense anyway. The puppet didn't make sense either, Tom. It turns out it wasn't the puppet. I will say.

It wasn't the gayets. I will say. It wasn't the gay parents at the adoption agency. For to continue and propagate their own population of available sex partners. Wait, how do they populate the population?

I don't understand how any of this works. They raise, they just steal kids and then they farm raise them into gays? I guess. Where would the first, if this was the,

where would the first gay person come from? Like even in this crazy, madcap, bizarro, not how it works at all universe where human sexuality is grossly, where would the first one come from? Hold on, let me go back just for a second. These people believe in Adam and Eve. Where did the first one come from?

I know. Because you know, like the thing is is, his answer would be demons. Exactly. It's like that ridiculous Simpsons thing. It's like whenever you see something like that, a wizard did it. They are perverting and recruiting children by making these false allegations. And that is the demonic spirit inside of you, Mark Saltzman, who are targeting children for your own pleasure. And that, of course, was condemned by Jesus himself. The Bible says this in Matthew chapter

18, Jesus said, whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea. Remember Jesus, peace giver? Do you remember peace giver Jesus? That is, that is a gentle hippie Jesus sort of thing to say. Sweet, loving, huggy Jesus. You know, if a child sins and it's your fault, you should be drowned in the ocean. Just want you to know it's worse than waterboarding. End quote.

Let's pray about this. Would you pray with me? Hey, can we all pray for someone to get drowned? Let's all put our hands together and pray, drown, drown, pray someone. Pray drowned. Everybody worried about gay puppets? Yeah. Everybody worried about gay puppets. Put your hands together and come up with something better to do with your life.

Father in heaven, we pray that you would protect the children of American culture, especially those who watch beloved programs like Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street. And Father, protect them from the homosexualization of the liberal culture who wants to reach every child possible. We don't just want to reach every child, we want to reach around every child. There's a difference, buddy. Their own pleasure. And Father, we pray against that sin of recruiting and defiling. Father, we pray for the protection

of every innocent child. Oh, you want us to protect the innocent kids? What about the dirty ones? What about those ones from shithole country? Can we protect them or no? Do those ones, we just let those guys die in the tsunamis right

that's what we do what is this prayer like what in his mind is God going to do to intervene I think here's what I think do you know

if you've been to the to the county fair to the carnival and you go there and they have all those soda bottles and they're all sitting there and like you throw

a little ring yeah yeah yeah so what God does is God has millstones. He throws those around people's necks and then they just fall into water and they drown. So that's how God protects you. So you know, you know,

because of all those people who created gay puppets who were drowned before in the past. You know that it's true. That's true. The history is right there. I don't know why I didn't see it. It's just like there's whole books full of those puppet creators.

This is how I know for certain there is no God because if there were and you had infinite power, you would totally play carnival games with people on Earth because that's an amazing idea. Would you throw like the millstones at people from really far away? Ding, I got one.

Oh, so close. You award yourself a prize. Like, yeah, I got a big stuffed animal. Another koala bear. Public programs or Christian programs, Father, we pray that America will protect their children in Jesus' name. Amen. He just pointed at the camera. Amen.

He finger gunned the camera. He did finger gun the camera. Amen. Like those puppets finger gun each other. Actually, in order to get a puppet to do anything, you got to fist them. I mean, that's the only way to do it. And if you'd like a puppet to fist, you can head over to adamandeve.com

and our Gloria checkout get 50% off almost any item, a free sex swing and what else you get? Free shipping? Free gift? No, free shipping. The free gift is the sex swing. They give you fucking everything. I think you check out and they just give you the whole store at this point. Give you a fist too if you want.

They sell rubber ones. So check it out. adamandeve.com, Gloria Checkout. So we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons. We want to thank our newest patrons, Logan. I don't know. What is that?

Yeah, something backwards. Nancy, Alex, Andrew, Red, William, and Scott, thanks so much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate all the donations to Glory Hill Studios. So we wanted to go through a little bit of email that we received.

We got a message from Stuart, and Stuart, guest of the show, Stuart, the host of the Exposing Pseudo-Astronomy podcast, asked us, he says he's going to be traveling with a bunch of graduate students, and he was curious, you know, how, you know, he's about six episodes behind, and he's wondering, you know,

would our show be appropriate car listening? Uh, no. In a car full of mostly female graduates no absolutely are you kidding me no are you no you've been on this show before stewart this show should only be listened to in an anechoic chamber of shame yeah absolutely you need to be in your blanket fort hiding and crying and eating cookies. That's it. That's the only way to listen to this show. Your earbuds inside, like nestled in like one of those big like shooter like earmuffs. Or in like hidden within Bose cancel noise, canceling headphones. So no one outside of it can hear it. And then you stick your head in a bucket of cement and wait for it to dry.

Then you can listen to the show. Or if you don't have cement, you can actually do that with Oreo cookie filling. Which is fine too. But you got to spackle up all the air holes. If I had a bucket of Oreo cookie filling, I would be exactly my

size plus exactly as fast as that bucket. I would eat that bucket every day. I'd spackle my nipples with that. Are you kidding me? Oh my God. That's amazing. I would coat homeless people in that and eat them. Putting it in their beard is like, I can't wait to

suck this out of your beard. That's so goddamn gross. Oh my God. So we got a message from Elvis and Elvis let us know that the last person tried in a military tribunal

was the Lincoln assassination conspirators in 1865. That's rolling it back. I wanted to mention too, Elvis came to a live show that we did, a Citation Needed live show. He brought me two CDs and a book.

I was so excited because he brought me two CDs and then I went home and realized I can't play them anywhere. So I actually have to go to work and burn them onto MP3 so I can listen to them because I can't play the media anymore. But we wanted to thank Elvis. He came out. It was

great to meet him. And it was nice enough to give us some gifts. But Elvis lets us know that the Lincoln assassination conspirators. So, well, that's rolling it back a little. Other than, of course, John McCain. John McCain was the next one after that. After the military tribunal execution. John McCain just had it happen recently. We talked last week about Hillary Clinton being erased from the history textbooks in Texas. And John sends in a message and says, you know, he's wondering about the history textbooks and what they're going to cover in the 2016 presidential election. Here's a possibility. While Donald Trump did receive

the necessary number of votes to win the electoral college and thus become president, he did lose the popular vote coming in second to nobody. I don't even know how you do it. It's amazing because they just forget that she was a major part

of that entire year. Or just like Obama. Who's the Secretary of State? He didn't have one. He didn't have one. Who's Bill Clinton's wife? Tom, we got a message from Mike about Hurricane Florence. He said, in all fairness to Pat,

I live in a suburb of Raleigh where we pay the highest city taxes in the area and there was no damage to our city. Coincidence? I think maybe Pat was having his people pray with money, which as we all know, is the only prayer that counts. It certainly is. You're not wrong, buddy. Oh, Pat. We got a couple of messages about the National Anthem.

We got one from John who said that they used to play the national anthem in Britain and they used to play it at cinemas. And he said the film would finish and the audience would be expected to stand for the anthem and people would rush out as the credits roll to avoid this.

I love how patriotic you guys are like, get the fuck out of here. I don't want to wait a whole minute for a song. Oh my God, get your shit. I don't care who the gaffer was. I got to get out of here. Oh, Tom, this was one you wanted to read. This is from Leo and he's from Canada.

Yeah, I just want to read his sign off. He's talking about the national anthem. Basically, he says that every single day without exception, each school, all the students have stood for oh Canada which I still think is hilarious what a ridiculous place you call a country he also says whenever we enter a hospital we have to stand while the anthem plays

in front of a mural of Trudeau gay kissing Obama before we get our free health care that's fucking amazing so funny we got an image we got an image we got an image of something we talked about last week

we're gonna post it on this week's show notes it's an awesome image it really is Amrit sent it in so thanks so much for your your image here

Amrit hilarious we got a we got another message about the anthem in the UK so a couple people said that they do it

in Australia they do it in Canada they stand up for the anthem in Canada. But I guess in the UK, they just don't play it ever. And they just don't, like, it's very rare that they play it. And on this email, Peter sent in, he included Sex Pistols' God Save the Queen, which is a fucking awesome, hilarious song from the old school punk days. So we're going to put a link to this. In the spirit of national anthems So we're going to put a link to this.

In the spirit of national anthems, we're going to put a link to this YouTube video on this week's show notes. This is episode 436. So this comes out Monday. We will have done, because we're planning on doing on Saturday, a Discord show.

I'm hoping that this show releases to patrons, though, before then, so you will know there's a Discord show. I'm hoping that this show releases to patrons, though, before then, so you will know there's a Discord show coming up Saturday, 3 p.m. Central. We're going to be doing a Discord show. If you wanted to hear that show and you're not a patron, you could always become a patron.

That show will have been recorded and will be available to patrons only. It'll be an entire show that we record, like I say, this Saturday. So that is going to wrap it up for this week. We are going to leave you, like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed.

Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative,

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Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens Churches, mosques, and synagogues. Temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts. Shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any

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