Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 443: Vulgarity for Charity 2018 Pt. 2

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

  Vulgarity for Charity     Read more at  

vulgarity for charity is in full swing right now. We have raised over $25,000 for modest needs. And we haven't really done anything. We just, we just made jokes, but you guys, you guys raised all that money, but here's the best part. A donor for modest needs, someone who they know, someone who's a friend of modest needs, a donor, a regular donor has, has pledged to match us dollar for dollar. We mentioned that last time, dollar for dollar, there's a match 20 up to what we thought was up to $25,000. $25,000 was the lower limit of that though. It turns out they're going to match up to $50,000. We didn't know that until today. And there's only, this show releases on Monday and there's only a couple more days to join in on the fun.

So you guys got to do this. Every dollar you's, it's double. I know you know how this works, but like stop and think about that for a second. Like that's a lot of fucking good. You can do the world. If you've got some extra cash, if you've got, I mean, it's just,

please do it. I'm just genuinely like, just please do this. Yeah. And it can, it can help so many people. I was talking to Eli this last week, and he had said that basically there was no

more pages. Our donors had spent so much money. They had to repopulate the site with people that needed stuff because we had gone through so much. That's the problem I want to have. That's a great problem. And donating just to modest needs is amazing too.

Later on in the show, we're going to have a Vulgarity for Charity segment. There's going to be another one on next week's Scathing Atheist. There may be another one on this show. There's going to be some sprinkled out throughout the rest of the year, but we are not going to give up.

We will keep roasting. We will do this for you people. We will keep roasting people. But we wanted to jump in here before this show even started, just to let you know that matches in effect up to $50,000. In order to donate, all you have to do is go to modestneeds.org.

Donate what you can. They have a website where you can pick out people to help or you can donate directly to their fund, the Modest Needs Maintenance Fund. After you donate, just take an image of your receipt or send us an image of the verification that you get. However you can prove to us that you donated $50 or more. Send that to vulgarityforcharityatgmail.com. Pick somebody who you'd like to roast. We will roast them for you in your honor. It's a great way for us to help out people in desperate need. Give till it hurts. Donate what you can because your money is doubled for modest needs right now. And now, the show.

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, this is Michael out in Colorado. Just a couple of thoughts on episode 422. First, anarcho-communism is a hypothetical thing. It's just a small group of people without a central government who share all their resources. Not that the jackass you were listening to has any fucking clue about that. Second, the way you describe millennials and the post-millennial generation turning out for politics

kind of makes it sound like a participation trophy. Not sure if that's good advertising or bad, but hey, you know, we'll go with it. On a more serious note, though, I have to hard disagree on the whole idea that we need like high educational bars for our elected politicians. What I want out of my elected politicians are people who are able to, you know, take in and synthesize the information because there's too much shit that they work on for anyone to know all of everything about it. So I want them to be able to listen to the experts and then go from there. Also, Ted Cruz has two degrees from, you know, like Harvard and Princeton.

They come with a bunch of Latin bullshit after them. So, well, need I say more? L'Oreal. Hey, so I've been listening to episode 441, and you guys had Liz Croken talking about how the bombings would have all been a false flag, and they were kind of dependent on a Republican. And I just can't break the image in my head of, like, if that were true, how all out they fucking went with the bumper stickers on that guy's van down by the river. with the bumper stickers on that guy's van down by the river,

because they just, I'm imagining somebody being like, oh, he doesn't look right-wing enough. Let's make it look even more trashy. And I just, that's such a beautiful and yet ridiculous image that I just can't get out of my head. I figured you guys needed it in your heads, too. Glory holes, bitches. Hey, guys. First, I just want to say, this dude passed me again, I have to

follow an old white man in a minivan with a Trump sticker on his car every single day I go to work. I cannot tell you how much pleasure it brings me to cut in front of him with all of my handmaid's tail and pussy grabbing stickers.

Secondly, however, I just want to point out, I was listening to a segment in your latest show about the guy talking about communist churches and the first people they come after are the Christians. And I'm not sure if you read the news this week, but literal churches were being burned and Jewish synagogues are being attacked. So we're not living in this crazy dystopian future he's scared of just because he's not the one being personally attacked already. I don't know what we're living in.

I mean, Kristallnacht is called Kristallnacht for a reason, right? It's happened in the past and it hasn't been the communists or the liberals who do it. So, you know, maybe we should give him a call in a little history lesson. right? It's happened in the past and it hasn't been the communists or the liberals who do it. So, you know, maybe we should give him a call in a little history lesson. Glory hole, motherfuckers. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from liberty university no wait i didn't i didn't beat my wife recording live from glory hole studios in chic. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence

to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at. This is episode 443 and Zeeza, watch out! There's a red tsunami! I wonder if

the guy from Point Break is like He's just riding it? Well, no, he's asking the police officers if he could go out ride the red tsunami just one more time. Isn't that just like fucking on our period? Isn't that what the red tsunami is? It's just like, yeah, alright. Yeah. I mean, it's a heavy

day. It's the red tsunami. Whatever. I love that. Day one is, yeah, probably no. You know, that's like, I mean, it's not going to be, if it's a tsunami on day two, I don't know what's going on over there. I don't know if

tsunami, that's like your time today. I also got, okay, so if people don't know what's going on over there. I don't know if tsunami. That's like your time today. I also got, okay. So if people don't know what we're talking about, this is what they had said was going to happen instead of the blue wave. They had countered offered with red tsunami. I like how they can't think of anything else other than like a wave.

They're like, well, they're using wave. What are we going to use? What's a bigger wave? What's a wave? Well, a red wave. No, not a red wave. A red tidal wave. No, that, well, they're using wave. What are we going to use? What's a wave? A red wave? No, not a red wave. A red tidal wave? No, that's stupid, stupid, stupid. They used the word wave. Damn it. Damn it. That's their word.

They stole wave. They've appropriated the word wave. We can't use it. So they had to culturally appropriate tsunami. There's all these Japanese people like, oh, it's a yellow tsunami. Thank you you thank you very much that's laces so uh so we should actually talk about uh we should play one of these uh I think we should probably play a couple of these if we can at least Liz and Kat I think both of those

really fit well together let's start with Kat though because I think like you know as crazy goes this one's super crazy. So real quick, I think, I do want to say that, like, Kat Kerr, the person we're going to play, she's a prophetess, but she's also the weather warrior, so she seemed the most qualified to discuss the tsunami.

Because she's the one who's like, you get away, hurricane! You can't come over here! Because of Jesus! She's, like, waving her arms really hard at the ocean and hope it pushes it out there. Yeah. She's got like, she's got like ice blocks on her arm as like armor for her weather warrior ring. She's, so anyway.

She's like Frozone from The Incredibles. Or Sub-Zero. Get over here. That's Scorpion, totally different guy. God different guy god stupid all right here we go this is a great shift of god already in our country he has his hand on our country right now uh and yeah he didn't ask permission for that so this is like an aziz state i'm not sure it's like he's brett kavanaughing us hey hey whoa don't touch the South without like at least a dinner. What the fuck, man? I like beer.

You're down here in that Georgia territory. I don't feel like those peaches are for you. Exactly. He does have a plan with the red tsunami. And yes, it did happen. And no, I will not repent for saying that because guess what? He hasn't repented and he's not going to because he knows his plan. What the fuck does that? Okay, wait. God hasn't repented and he's not going to because he knows his plan. What the fuck does that?

Okay, wait. God hasn't repented. Who would he repent to? Who's my, now in the chain of command, who's my supervisor? I got to look at this flow chart, this org chart here. It's funny because like, like even the the biblical God fucks up a bunch. Oh, yeah. Because the whole Noah story is like, all right, well,

Mulligan, I should have named y'all Mulligan. I did. Named y'all Mulligan. Gonna have to redo that one. Can you all just walk around in the desert for a while while I think this out? Okay. How y'all doing? Still 39 years. No, I still ain't ready. And what that means to him.

The Red Tsunami did happen. God put where he wanted things to happen. God put where he wanted things to happen. He just put. God put where he wanted things to happen. Do you know what the word put is usually followed by? A noun. You don't just put.

Did you made? I made. I made. That's what a little kid says when he fills his diaper. Are you kidding? Or after I ejaculate, I say that too. I made. It's so fucking vile. Honey, I made.

It's like lock eyes. You have to wash yourself out now. Senate, of course, we know went red. That means it went Republican. And that's good news because that's less trouble for Trump. But those who represented the blue, some of those Democrats

do not want socialism in this country. None of the Democrats want socialism. The only Democrat that wanted socialism is not a Democrat. It's an independent. It's Bernie Sanders. He wanted democratic socialism, which isn't exactly the same thing. And he's not a fucking Democrat. And he's still looking for the keys to his LeSabre.

He's constantly tapping his cell phone. Like, where did I leave those? Did I leave them on my. Like he's constantly tapping his self. Like, where did I leave those? Where did I, did I leave them on my desk? He's like Columbo. He's got to leave a room four or five times. He comes back in,

pardon me, one second, socialism. Did I mention socialism? Some on purpose, on purpose. Now this might be a flip for you. People are always accusing Democrats who flipped a Republican just so they could take advantage of it or hide in that area. But I can tell you,

I literally don't know what that means. I think what in the world? Hold on. So she says people are always accusing Democrats that flipped Republican of hiding in that area. I don't know what she's talking. Is she saying there's like like you could be a spy politician? Is that what she's saying? You could be a secret Republican. Or a Democrat. It's a Democrat.

Ask Sage Francis. See what he says. What? A weird obscure Sage Francis joke. I love Sage Francis. I really like Sage Francis. Some did flip on purpose from Republican to Democrat to see. From what again? Okay, so.

It's when you ask Scooby-Doo what political party he is. Scooby, what are you? I like that she says they flipped on purpose as opposed to the other states where they flipped by force. Oh my God. Flipped by force. Oh guys, God, did you guys know

that we flipped on accident? We're blue state now by order of the number of people that voted for that. What happened is the red tsunami hits and sometimes it just flips the state completely. The state is like a fucking, like a coin that gets tossed in the air. Oh, man!

Republicans again! Some did flip on purpose from Republicans to Democrats to see inside the Democratic Party what was going on. Well, couldn't you just have an aide do that? Like, couldn't you find somebody that just, like, gets hired as an aide to do that?

So the suggestion here is that the candidate themselves. Yeah, the candidate themselves. Was really ideologically in their hearty heart heart of Republicans. They have a Grinch, two sizes too small, Republican heart. But they pretended. Look, they stood in front of a mirror that just said tax cuts, and they said Donald Trump's name three times in the dark.

Can you imagine psyching yourself up? You can do this. You can do this. All right. Care about poor people. No, I don't at all. I don't at all. You will care about poor people. Black people are people too. That can't be true. It can't be true. I got to go out. I got to say it. I got to say splash of cold water on your face. It's like Jim Carrey It can't be true. Okay, I got to go out. I got to say it. I got to be like splashing cold water on your face.

It's like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. He's moving his mouth around. He can't actually say the words. He's trying. He's like, he gets elected. He's like, okay. Hello. I also believe in open borders.

Right, guys? Elbowing people like, anyway, women are also people, right? Winky face. Affirmative action figure. Action figure. I said action figure. Going on. See, God does have scouts also.

Why would he need reconnaissance? He's literally omniscient. He's also above us. Like, he has the best view. Right. He'd just sit up on that cloud. Wow. Hanging out up there.

I need some spies in your political system. Literally, I can't understand why you know the outcome. That's the name of my beagle. It's Scout. That's his name. It's Scout. I brush Scout every day. Those who were sent as scouts and those who got elected because they are scouts in the

Democratic Party will make a huge difference. Yeah. So what they're what she's what she's suggesting is, is that they ran on a platform they didn't believe so that they could then betray their voting public that voted for them. Won't we know immediately? Like what about like an hour? Yeah. We're for like a one hour. Like it'd be like, all right, I got elected as a secret crat. Yeah. And I'm going to go ahead and vote a Republican. And then like, I do that one time,

literally one time. And someone's gonna be like, Hey, Joe. Yeah, man. Really? We were,

we were thought you were on board with all this. Yeah. Uzi's for babies program. That's we said no to to Uzis in kindergarten. We all got together before I ended session and said no. Don't you remember the meeting where we were like, we don't want bazookas for babies. We said no bazookas for babies.

You know what? The secret, Krat, I wonder, you know, you have the donkey and then you have the elephant. I'm thinking Batman symbol. In the elephant. I'm thinking Batman symbol. In the house. So open your eyes and open your ears to the possibilities that God has another plan besides yours. Well, he doesn't have a plan that's going to get through

any legislation in Congress this quarter. Like she said a thing was going to happen. Then that thing didn't happen. And now she's mad and she's like, well, maybe consider that it's a secretly happening and you have literally no way to know that it's happening. But you should trust that the thing I said was going to happen happened, even though there's no evidence that it happened. Have you thought of that? Stupid. Maybe you're the dumb one.

Dumb, dumb, you said. He did send himself in the Senate and some of the Democratic Party. So pray for both places. Pray for what God wants to do in our country. Stop picking it apart. Stop picking people apart and leave the prophets alone. Oh, I got to turn it back on myself. Right.

Oh, hey, guys. Guys, look, I may have fucked up. I may have made a bad decision. I may have even miscalled this last election. But you shut your mouth. I said some things that weren't true and didn't happen. And now you're saying that they weren't true and that they didn't happen. That's exactly it.

That's exactly this whole thing. It is not your job to judge them. It is not your job to demand that they repent for something. That is God's job. And you are not God. I literally don't care if you repent at all. It's actually true. I think you're hilarious.

She's right, though. I am not God. I exist. Absolutely. So that's how one of these people sort of spun this red tsunami. So it happened. It was a terrible action figure. The worst action figure you've ever seen.

The red tsunami. All right. But this is Liz now. Liz has got this other idea because this is all about, you know, how did the Republicans win when they just lost? That's really all it's about. I'm going to need Liz. Liz, if you're listening, we've got a lot of these stories. If you could just count them out for me on your fingers. This is number two. We'll get to eight. We'll stop at eight for you.

Definitively stop at eight. Stop at eight. No problem. So what ended up happening on election night is they, the good guys, let the Democrats. It's interesting that she's saying they, the good guys, you know, because normally they is the good guys, let the Democrats... It's interesting that she's saying they, the good guys, you know, because normally they is not good. No, normally it's we. Like you would say we because you would align yourself with the good guy. Everybody does that, right?

Like, oh, we won. Or, oh, we lost. Oh, I'm full of shit. Maybe you're lying about it. Who knows? Anyway. I you're lying about it. Who knows? Anyway, I need a little distance here. Steal the house. And they let them steal the house.

Okay, this will be good. So they could expose the voter fraud, which is exactly what's happening. There's not been any exposure of voter fraud. It's funny because the judges, they've filed suits in many places and they've brought this up and said, hey, there's a bunch of voter fraud. And the officials that the Republicans sent in before the elections even started have said, no, there's not any voter fraud. And the federal judges have come back and said there's no evidence of voter fraud. But they keep pushing that narrative over and over and over again. Did you did you see the

thing that Trump said that like, oh, yeah, it's so sad that people went and voted and then went to their car and like put on a different hat, put on a different hat, like change their clothes and vote again. Yeah, because that's how it works. Like it's that's how it works. I'm here. My name is Mr. Blue Hat hat look in your voter roll for blue hat i'll tell you a story i went to vote they changed my polling place yeah and i didn't know so like evidently they must have sent me a new polling card at some point i had the older in my wallet i drove to my polling place was on my my voter card and they couldn't find me so they didn't let me vote yeah then they told they told me where to go, and I voted,

and they marked my name off the list. Where they had you. Yeah. Where they had a ballot for you. Right. So, like, how the fuck would that work? Like, I show up, I'm like, my name is Mr. Mac Trucker Hat. I would like to vote, please. Exactly. I am

the Steelers. Like, what? How? You can tell who I am because of all of the clothing I am wearing. Hello, I am. I am the Steelers. Like, what? How? You can tell who I am because of all of the clothing I am wearing. Hello, I am. I'm very different from the last person. Old Navy. I am made in China. But what's interesting is that the one side has been trying to poison elections by saying voter fraud. The Republicans have been trying to say that since,

you know, I mean, at least since 16, at least, well, zero since the odds, Tom, back when they were trying to poison,

when they were trying to poison all the, they were trying to poison it when it was, when it was Bush, they were, they were doing it when Bush wanted the Bush and, and Gore wanted the recount back then. Well, Bush didn't want it.

Gore wanted it. Isn't it funny how they sometimes want a recount? Yeah. Well, it's interesting, too, because, like, here's the thing. If somebody were to call a recount on any of the Democratic people that got put into office, if it got close enough for a recount, fucking do the recount. I want every vote to count, man. I want the winner to win.

I want that. Even if the winner isn't the guy that I want to win, I want the winner to win. I think like we don't have a democracy. And I mean this legitimately. We don't have a democracy if we don't count all the votes, add them up, and then whoever gets the most votes wins. We don't follow that

fucking really simple system. We don't have a democracy anymore. I could never imagine myself doing some kind of protest if my guy won and I was out there saying, look, I don't, I just, I don't want any of fucking, my guy already won. We already fucking with that fucking ship has already sailed. No, there's a fucking recount. There's a recount. And that's it. Like if there's reason to believe that my guy didn't win, I'll feel sad. My guy didn't win. That yeah. That's all I get to do. Super sad,

bro. It's funny because, like I was saying, though, the Republicans have been poisoning the well on that for a long time. Voter fraud, voter fraud, voter fraud. And since all those years have passed, there's been these tiny amounts of voter fraud, little tiny, like once in a while, tiny bits of voter fraud. But the other side has been saying

forever that you're disenfranchising voters. Look at what they did in Georgia forever that you're disenfranchising voters. Look at what they did in Georgia. Look at the stuff that they put together. Look at all that stuff that they did. You know, you're not getting voter votes to count. What you're doing is you're making so that people who should be able to vote are not legally registered because you put in weird rules or you've closed down the places where they can go get registered and all those different things to silence their voice. But there's never an amount of that on the other side.

And I just kept thinking, like, well, do the Republicans just like to cheat? Like, is that is that where you're at? Because I like I just want to know what they just want to know. The answer is yes. The Republican the Republican platform is built on winning any cost. Right. Winning is the value. Winning is the virtue.

And I'm not saying to be shitty. I think that's been demonstrated as being true. And that's one of the things that makes opposing the Democratic platform so difficult is because it's not just a war of ideas. It's a war of principles, right? On the one side, you've got a group that's like killing and feasting upon its own on principle. And on the other side, you've got a cohesive group that's like, look,

I don't give a fuck what happens, who you are, whether you do right, wrong, or sideways. What we want to do is win as a whole. Yeah. And the win as a whole crowd,

they're winning. They do a better job. They're winning. Yeah. Because they're just structurally more efficient. Absolutely. Yeah.

No, I mean, you let the, like you said a couple weeks ago, you let the good be the enemy of the okay. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that happens on our party all the time. It happens all the time. There's never a perfect, right? We throw that out.

There's never a perfect. But we let the good be the enemy of the okay constantly. Yeah. cake constantly. And it's, and it's, it's, it's scary to me that, you know, that if you let the system fall and keep falling just so you can win, eventually every, everybody loses. It bites you in the ass and the other people in the ass. And people start thinking that there's there, they can't trust polls. They can't trust news. They can't, you know what I mean? Like eventually there's going to be a point where our side's like, I can't trust the news either.

Today, Trump said that he considers it one of the greatest achievements of his presidency that the American people no longer believes the news. He considers it one of the key achievements of his presidency is to have fomented such distrust

in the American populace against the media, who is literally the only watchdog. Yeah. And like, we're in a place like we are genuinely in a crossroad place where if we don't have anybody watching, and the way that we watch and the quality of that watching gets harder every year. It's harder and harder to watch and to verify and to know what's true. And now we're at a place where it's like, how about maybe we don't trust those guys

either? We shouldn't, don't trust the professionals who know how to do it. So then who drives the narrative, right? That's the worry that I have is like, who drives the narrative? Who checks the fact check? Like there's nothing anymore. The whole democracy only works if you have a populace that can trust the information that they get to use to make

decisions for. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't work. The whole machine breaks. Again, I didn't understand what was happening on election night. I thought for sure that we had control of the voter fraud and that we would see that the Republicans swept and we had our red tsunami. We did have a red tsunami. OK, how? But they let the Democrats win so they could expose the election fraud. And that's exactly what President Trump and the good guys are doing. No, no, no.

Trump is tweeting about he's tweeting about doing. No, no, no. Trump is tweeting about, he's tweeting about Florida. They already won in Florida. Like they won in Florida. If you counted the votes again, chances are, even if you get to a recount, they probably win again, right? They probably win again

and second time around. The thing is, is like when you tweet about that shit, when you're like, he's tweeting, he's not tweeting, he's not tweeting about fucking races that they lost and said, oh, there's rampant voter fraud in those races.

No, he's tweeting about races. They once you fucking ass and I didn't comment. Does he make any sense? Where is the like all those state, all those districts that flipped like all the way legit. Right. Everyone's real quiet about that. Yeah. And there's been literally no evidence of voter fraud at all.

Like this is the same as her like mass arrest thing. It's like, oh yeah, really? Because he keeps saying it's going to happen and that's evidence that it did happen. Her whole, I love Liz Crokin so much because like her whole theory is that because it is going to happen, that is her evidence that it

did happen. That it did happen. So her prediction of the future is her evidence of the present. And i struggled to say that because it is so mind-bogglingly stupid so fucking my brain actually would process the directionality of that information if you say that in latin like post talk aggro prop talk you restart the world like that's that's what happens. Trump's talked about it. He's treated about it. That is what is happening.

I'm glad she can be... Right now, you guys can't see this. She's flipping through her fucking phone while she's trying to do this live stream. She's just flipping around. She's checking her Facebook. What's going on, guys? Who had a baby?

Whatever. Does it have 10 fingers or eight what house would the fucking sorting hat put me in all right well russia house that's weird nubby what is that what is that happen this way so the election fraud could be exposed the majority of the people that have sealed indictments are Democrats how do you know they're sealed? they're sealed indictments, you used the word sealed indictments that was a good word she's Karnak, do you remember this bit

that we put that Karnak, for those people that are you know, I don't know, like not a hundred like there was Johnny Carson used to have this bit where he'd come out in a turban completely culturally appropriated this turban by the way and he would hold this hold a envelope up to his head and then he would say a punch line and then he would open the and the joke

the joke was inside and it was that the jokes were written in a way that they were actually really funny once you like they had good writers so the jokes were actually really hilarious and so he would hold up it basically mind read through the envelope so he had sealed envelopes he had sealed yeah he's he so unless Liz Croken is Karnak reincarnated

yeah reincarnate reincarnated I don't know go on move on that's terrible all right so even if they did legitimately win the House, which they didn't, but let's just say that they did. Well, but which is it? True things are either true or they're not

true. You can't be like, it didn't happen. But maybe if it did happen, then it didn't happen. I think she's giving us one here. I think what she's saying is, even if it did, it doesn't matter. I'm going to throw them all in jail with my sealed indictments. I'm just going to throw them all in jail with my sealed indictments. I'm just going to throw them like jarts across Congress. They're like throwing stars and sticking Bernie Sanders' face. Do you remember jarts?

Did you play with jarts? I did when I was a kid. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. When I was a little guy, I had jarts. I remember this. She's very close. I had jarts.

My dad had them. Yeah. And my brother and I had this idea that we were going to go out and we were going to play jarts. We were going to play jarts. My brother was going to take the hoop yeah and he held it over his head that's why he's like this and i took the jart that's why he's like this and i still remember i was very confident i'm fourth grade you know so i'm like a piece of shit you know fourth grade and so i'm like revving up to throw this missile of eye alert, ocular destruction. Oh, yeah.

You would have fucked him up. At my brother's face. You would have fucked him up. And I'm winding up and he's holding this thing like fucking William Tell over his fucking head. And my dad comes bursting out the back door and he's like, what are you doing? My dad does not yell. What are you doing? And I was like, oh, we're playing Jarts.

And he like ran. My dad doesn't run. And he grabbed the Jarts and he grabbed the hoop and he looked at both of us. I still remember he looked at both of us incredulously.

What is wrong with you? And we didn't have a good answer. The answer is I have half of your DNA. And he just walked over to the garbage and he threw them in the trash

the Jarts and things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember being like, well, I just, we were just playing jards. I just was like ready to throw this fucking thing right into my brother's face. I am

deeply uncoordinated and far too strong. Like, there's no way that that would have gone well. You'd have missed him. You'd have missed him. You wouldn't have hit him. I mean, like, let's be real clear here. You would have thrown it and you'd have missed him. Yeah, I would have caught you. You would have missed him. That's true. You wouldn't have hit him. I mean, like, let's be real clear here. You would have thrown it.

And you'd have broke a window in a neighboring house. That's actually more accurate. But you wouldn't have hit him. I'm like, it went over the garage. Sorry, I killed the neighbor's cat again. Whoopsie doodle. It's a moot point. They're all going to get arrested anyways.

So the house will go red no matter what. So, you know, any way you look at it. So there's two options. Break it down for me, buddy. Two options. Yeah. One is, doesn't matter. Somebody's going to come in,

maybe Mueller, I don't know, with a bunch of sealed indictments that somehow Liz has fucking perused a little. Probably on Fortune. They get unsealed on Fortune. Absolutely.

Yeah. A lot of things get unsealed on fortune. Not ladies. No. Yeah, exactly. That's sealed. Tight as a drum. That is tight as you can get. Actually, it turns inside out and the woman is just like

her intestines are outside of her body. It's so repulsed by everything there. I'd rather sew up my vagina than let you near it. That's what I would rather. Sew my vagina shut forever. I'd rather... It's like a reverse human centipede.

I will douche with a fucking gallon of super glue before I let a 4chan user anywhere near my pussy. But so the idea is that they are somehow going to give out these sealant diamonds and those fucking Democrats are fucked there. You are fucked, son.

Or the other option, which I love better, by the way, is that somehow everybody was like, OK, everybody in the government was like, cool. We know there's rampant voter fraud in all of these places where they're Democrats won. But we're just not going to say anything. We're going to let it happen. We're going to let it happen. We're not going to try to put anything in place to stop it. We're going to let them touch it a little. And then afterwards, we're going to accuse him like he's Brett Kavanaugh.

How does she think this works? So in her mind, this must be what happens. So in either scenario, the Democrats win an election, for example. Just pick one. Doesn't matter. Just any old election. One of the ones in New York. One of the contests in New York. So they win that and it flips over. And then they discover

voter fraud. So then something, something they give it to a Republican. Like, oh, you guys cheated. You're big cheater heads. Instead of a new election, which is what would happen, you just give it to

the opponent. This is the same kind of thing. It's like, well, you guys, if we can only get Trump out of office, we get Hillary, right? That's how it works. Yeah, the moment he gets impeached. I really do think that there's people who think that you give it to the runner-up like it's a beauty contestant crowd.

I think these people think that the moment, like once indictments start coming down, if they do start coming down up at a really high level for Trump, they will think, there will probably be a story we cover right before he gets an indictment where they say they're going to pull off Trump's

mask and it's old woman Hillary Rodham Clinton underneath it. And she's been old woman Hillary Rodham Clinton the whole time. Like a Scooby Doo. Exactly. Exactly. And I would have gotten away with it too. It wasn't for your dog Liz Croken. Meddling FBI agents. It's going to work out in our favor. You just have to have faith and patience, period. It's that simple. Yeah, like in two years. Yeah, right. Ready to stick it in the glory hole?

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All right. This is from Right Wing Watch. This is Hank Kuhneman. God will release cures for cancer and Alzheimer's in response to synagogue massacre. This is legitimately an amazing story. Can I play this? So I want to preface this by saying, I don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie Contact, but there's a part where Joey Foster says

they should have sent a poet. I will say, I'm going to preface this by saying they should have sent a semi-literate four-year-old. Laugh if you may, mock if you may, but God says you cannot and will not stop me. Therefore, listen at the place. Andrew Dice Clay makes a good preacher.

He really does. Clay has fallen from, are you ready for the gook to this? You know, of Pittsburgh, the tree of life. What the fuck did you say? First off, first off, buy a pop filter, dude.

Okay, we're fucking, we're chumps and we have pop filters. All right, I got to hear what he says though. At the place of Pittsburgh. The tree of life. The place of Pittsburgh. The place of Pittsburgh. Whatever. We just call that Pittsburgh.

The place of Pittsburgh. The place of Pittsburgh. The place of Pittsburgh. We just call that Pittsburgh. The place of Pittsburgh. The place of Pittsburgh. We just call that Pittsburgh. What? The place of Pittsburgh. Are we in Pittsburgh? We are in the place of Pittsburgh. Daddy, are we at the place of Pittsburgh?

Life. Look closely. There's something of life that's going to come now. I know. You don't want to look that close. It gets in your eye. Yeah, you could look closely as long as you have glasses on. I mean, you kind of need to look closely.

Kind of hot, actually. Their blood speaks. God says there has been a signing into law. Okay, why would God have to say that? Why wouldn't you just turn on C-SPAN? Just look at the law that was signed. Yeah, just, I mean, like, you could turn on any news channel to find that.

Was there a law? Call God. He's the only one that knows. Those who've been afflicted that can find no cure, no help. That medical cures that are out there that exist, but they've been stopped through bureaucracy. Why would bureaucracy stop

a medical cure? Do they stop cures? I wonder. You know, like, this is that, like, idea that, like, and we've talked about this before, but it's so goofy. It's, you know, everybody's grandma gets Alzheimer's and cancer and, and like all that evil shit. Like, so like, it's not like there's bureaucrats like, well, I would file form W-17B, but I don't care enough about being, I care more about not filing that than being the guy who got in the way of Alzheimer's cures.

And also, you know, save grandpa. Right. I guess I'm not human and none of my friends are either. So thank goodness we keep on suppressing this man. The money we get from not having it, not exposing this

can't this cure to the world is superior in some way. Are you going to lunch? Are you going to go ahead and approve that cancer cure? I mean, Chipotle's got two for one burrito bowls. Chorizo is back. I can't. I can't. You know, I just... Stop through politics.

They've been stopped through legislation. I feel like I would know that. I feel like there would be a legislative bill called, hey, should we cure cancer? And then have some pretty broad bipartisan support. They would almost have to have that say on the open floor.

Hey, I turned on C-SPAN and they were going to cure cancer Thursday. Fuckers. But the fucking Republicans had it deadlocked again. My compassion now. You'll see it this week. Okay. In your midterm elections and you're going to see it as you turn into a new year.

My compassion shall outweigh your politics. My compassion shall outweigh your medical, and I will cause it to raise. It outweighs your medical what? Maybe my deductible? My medical, like, medical is not in and of itself a noun. It will outweigh your medical, though. What's with people?

I love that God's like, well, I created this terrible suffering and I let it continue for literally thousands of years unchecked. But now my compassion, it'd be like, well, I stopped beating you at four o'clock because of my compassion. Where's my steak and blowjob?

I know. Yeah. Right. I feel like I should get a thank you. Cause it could have beat you at four Oh five. And I didn't, I am restraining myself. You would not believe.

Cause I really want to beat the shit out of you. And I know I've beaten you for eight consecutive hours. Upon the just and the unjust. Why do I speak this? Because God says from those, from those who died at the place of tree of life. Okay, wait, hold on. The play of true...

This guy is not a good speaker. I got to play that again. But also, guys, he is rocking back and forth like a drinky bird. He is. He is. It's not like a little bit of rocking.

He is rocking erratically. He he does absolutely yeah like he's got a he's a weeble yeah he rocks like a man who knows what time wapner's on here we go i gotta hear him say it again though it's from those who died at the play of tree at the place of tree of life at the place of tree of life why would that be the place you die it's the place of tree of life tom isn't that like glue like you die? It's the place of tree of life, Tom. Isn't that like glue? Like, aren't you on base at the tree of life? Like, I'm not dying. I'm a tree of life.

I call tree of life. Well, I died here. The irony is not lost on me. The place of tree of life. They should have sent a conjunction. That's actually where Alanis Morissette dies because it's ironic. Oh.

Oh. I will cause this president to join hands with the president Alanis Morissette dies because it's ironic. Oh, yeah. I will cause this president to join hands with the president as he already has. Wait, I will cause this president to join hands with the president as he already has. Okay.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Of Israel. Oh, okay. Different place. Thank goodness. Oh, goodness. Because I thought he was going to have the president do one of those wavy things where they hitch their hands

together and they do the wavy thing. That's what I thought he was going to do. You know, he's already holding his hands. Trump would break if he tried to.

He would, his bones have got to be brittle, made entirely out of spite and dust and golf ball juice. Did you hear about RBG though? Oh yeah, she got sick. Yeah. Yeah, you hear about RBG, though? Oh, yeah.

She got sick. Yeah. Yeah, I read an article like, why? She got the Bader, Bader back ribs. Three broken ribs. Yeah, absolutely.

She fell, right? That's what happened? Yeah, something like that. Yeah, when you're old, you fall, it's fucked. But they were saying, you know, like, I saw an article somewhere,

it might have been on Facebook, that she's going to go back to physical therapy like next week. She's tough. She's tough. She also, I think, is a woman who understands that she's got a larger responsibility.

At this point, it's like, I got a lot of responsibility. I can't quit. Well, if Trump gets elected in 2020, then she's going to die before she's out of that. Almost certainly. A die of despair may maybe the night of. I mean, who knows?

What is he? The prime minister? What is he? Huh? You don't even know who he is. Is he final? Hold on. I got to poll the audience.

What is this? This is who wants to be a millionaire. We're going to poll the audience here. We got to poll the audience. So this is what God told me. God told me. What is he again? The prime minister?

I don't remember. I don't remember the words God used. The leader of Israel is A, a prime minister. I do. B, a scary clown. C, a scary clown. Well, you're not wrong. It's sort of like a C, all of the above.

C, Jerusalem. What is he? Prime minister, Netanyahu. They've already joined hands. Oh, Jerusalem. What is he? Prime Minister Netanyahu. They've already joined hands, but now they're going to join hands. Somebody shouted it out. Somebody in the crowd seriously shouted it out. Thank goodness. Like Freebird. Thank goodness that

somebody in the audience knew he's the Prime Minister. Because this guy doesn't know what he's on stage for. He seriously phoned a friend about this. He does phone. He just fucking pulled the audience. They've already joined hands, but now they're going to join hands because in Israel,

now they're going to touch tips. They're going to touch tips. And he's going to run. He's going to do straight bait porn with one of them. There came a healing bomb. Healing bong? That's in Colorado, isn't it?

Might be in Illinois soon. I would trust Chump more if he smoked a healing bong once in a while. I like that he's now Chump. I like that. I like Chump better than I like Trump.

God says there's medical cures and scientific discoveries that are in Israel and now they will join hands with the United States of America. So the cures are going to join hands. Your metaphor's all over, America and go so the cures are going to join hands your metaphors all over by the way your cures get joined hands what did they do with those cures over there did they just patch a big giant like did they did they hide them in the in Gaza strip or something like that why did they tuck them away in your strip what do we

not know where they're at yeah why would the bureaucracy of our politics get in the way of Israel's politics? Not giving us the cure for Alzheimer's. What the fuck? Did they forget? Did they have Alzheimer's? Maybe don't give the cure for Alzheimer's to the guy with Alzheimer's. Uncle Ben's just, he's in his pajamas outside, outside of the nursing home with a cure in his hand. It blows away in the wind.

It's the only copy. God says, watch as cancer shall be known as the thing of the past, says the Lord. But I'm kind of a dick for making it a thing of the present. It's known as the thing of the past, all of our past.

The entirety of our past. There's like somebody right now. Remember grandma with that tumor, right? Remember grandma with that tumor? Literally right now during this recording, somebody died of cancer. Somebody's mom just fucking gasped her last painful breath and God's like, well, we got

I mean, it's Thursday that it gets, God could cure it right now. I could, you know, I could have just not made it at all. I could have just skipped it. But it was a hoot. Diabetes. Alzheimer's. Diabetes.

He got Wilford Brimley. He's staring. Is that a work? Man, I lost this leg for nothing. Shall be known as a thing of the past as the Lord. Watch. Their blood is not in vain. And watch

my compassion since the Spirit of God. That shit is so crazy. That is weird as shit. He's making up as he's going along. He had no plan going in there. He had no plan except for to wear that sweet, sweet jacket. You ever play with a Luigi board when you were a kid? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody was moving around the whole time, right? So somebody's moving around. Somebody's thinking it up as they go along. Yeah. And sometimes they're not smart enough to know like where they need to go for like the next thing. And they'll be like, er, er, er. Yeah.

I was one kid when I was a young kid, real young. One of the kids, we were playing with the Ouija board and one of the kids pretended to have a seizure like at a, at, at a time, like fell down, like, and so, um, another kid at the same time was pretending to channel a spirit and it's all pretend it's all bullshit. Right. And so the pretend spirit, um, that's inside the other person who's, and they're like, you know, the one person's on the ground, you know, and they're like, the pretend spirit is saying you need to pick up the Bible and read. And so somebody goes, grabs a Bible and starts reading.

And they're like, what page? And they're like, and they name off the page. Well, they named off the page where they're like, and the cubits will be 65. It was like a worthless passage because there's so much of the Bible. Yeah, 99% of garbage. Absolute worthless garbage. There's nothing in it. It's just like a, it's like, it much of the bible yeah 99 absolute worthless garbage there's nothing in it's just like a it's not even cryptically interesting it's a list that they sent somebody to home depot with like that's it's that bad right and so that's what they were reading and

everybody's just like we're following this person around as they're reading and the other person's still laying down on the ground and it's all bullshit they eventually wake up out of it or whatever but but it's it reminds me of this, right? You could tell he's just making it up as he goes along. He doesn't know what he's talking about, what he's going to say beforehand.

He doesn't have a speech. God would be more articulate, you would think. Literally anybody would be more articulate. Yeah, absolutely. That jacket. Oh.

On its own. They could just drag it around with like a coat hanger. Someone could spin it over their head and it would be more entertaining than that douche bag. All right. Well, that music tells us that it's time to bring in the funk.

He's smelling Eli Bosnick and his two enablers, Heath and Noah. Okay. But to be fair, you try to bathe him. Yeah. He bites like hard. It's true. I do. All right. So with that out of the way, are you guys ready to get roasty let's do it you look

like gargamel and witness protection okay that's fair uh all right noah this one is for you chris gave us 50 to roast him all right so chris told us in his email that he's a narcissist and after looking at a picture of him i gotta admit. Narcissism will be hard to pull off when you look like Gollum went to Disney World and refuses to take off the ears, but he manages it. Alright, and Eli. Brett would like a roasting for his friend

Shane. Shane looks like he's constantly getting tricked into gay porn. Tricked. Yeah, he looks like he got cut from the cast of Moana for jerking off every time she got wet. It looks like Joe Arpaio

drew a propaganda poster and it came to life. He looks like the somebody who's doing all the raping. That's what he looks like. Heath, Allison needs to roast

her racist, Trump-supporting co-worker CJ. All right. CJ looks like a hungry, hungry hippo trying to guard a Confederate statue. Like, exactly. He's being like, look at a hungry, hungry. He looks exactly like that.

You just roll some marbles. He gets distracted and you take down the statue. So it's fine. CJ, I don't know how you're managing it, man, but you look like a retired baby. Like a baby. All right, Cecil, buddy, this next one's for you. Schofield needs a hot one.

All right, I got to say, Schofield, nothing says I love my Honda scooter like koi fish tattoo sleeves. Maybe splurge a little next time and have them ink in a hairline. You know, they can do that nowadays. You could be the brother to The Rock in that Moana movie

if the plot allowed for a Danny DeVito-like twin. I think that... Oh, God. You look like Sarah Huckabee Sanders' police sketch of Jim Acosta. Okay, Tom, I've got one for you. Melanie gave us 50 bucks to roast her boyfriend, Mike. Oh, does he need to be destroyed?

No, he's a good guy, but he lifts weights, so I just nominate you as tribute. That's fair. That's fair. Okay, Mike looks like the kind of guy who hangs around cancer kids, so he can cosplay without admitting he just likes the way the tights make his butt look. Mike lets Melanie dress him up as a tooth fairy and strangely,

this transformation only takes handing him a small plastic wand before completion. And speaking of completion, Mike and Melanie didn't want us to mention this, but Mike treats sex

like a race that only he is winning. Bummer for all of you. Okay, now we got quite a few political figures this year. Nothing like the midterms to help out this charity drive. So, it's time for Waking

Out. Hey, you said you couldn't do the big boomy voice. No, no, no. I said I couldn't do the boomy voice for you. That's, so, so, I'm going to throw out a name. I'm going to throw a name out there. And then you give me a roast in the form of a headline. Big thanks to Jack, Eric, JD, Chris, Cody, Yeesh, Easy Score,

Jeffrey, Corey, Meryl, Aviji, David, Laurel, Joshua, Rick, and James for chucking in money to make this happen. Are you guys ready? Oh, yeah. Man uses beard to make up for flat top of head. Sorry. Sorry.

I got excited. Yes, I'm ready. All right. All right, here we go. Former governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker. Scott Walker, even his sperm aren't eligible for a recount. After making teachers into feudal serfs, Walker going back to finish college ends like Rico Cop going to jail.

Australian Senator Pauline Hanson. Nation's reserves of skin cream found useless. Governor of New Hampshire and CEO of Waterville Valley Ski Resort, Chris Sununu. Rich douchebag with dad's money gets sued for copyright infringement by entire decade of 80s movies. All right. Oklahoma Governor-elect Kevin Stitt. Fucking anti-vax douche. Okay.

Exponential eyebrow growth threatens to overrun Oklahoma's waterways before inauguration. And Heath, this one has to be for you. Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Oh, okay. Press secretary uses e-Honda special move against Jim Acosta. All right. No, I got, no, I got another one. Intrepid reporter witnesses press secretary once again

being denied cheese plate at local A.U. Alright, Brett Kavanaugh. Jeff Flake's conscience found raped to death by Supreme Court justice. Daryl Metcalf.

Scientists discover first ever receding faceline. Steve King. Oh, white nationalist congressman shot to death by hero. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, excuse me for being positive, Cecil. How about Batman villain deemed too unrealistic for Iowa politics? And I'll take Dallas Woodhouse. Floby announces

new Dallas Woodhouse attachment. Alright, round two. This round, I'm going to need a lightning fast roast that rhymes. I'll go first with Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker. There once was a Whitaker from D.C DC who wasn't reviewing your patents for free.

He'd take all your cash and then he would dash. But don't worry, now he's AG. Mike Huckabee. Okay, rhyming, rhyming. Roses are red. Violets are blue. You lost.

No one remembers you. It was still Tom. I like that it was still Tom. It's good. The voters of Syriza. Oh, and that's me. Great. A fucking roast about Greek politics that rhymes.

Thanks, Cecil. Just because a politician says he shares your godless vision doesn't mean that your decisions made you brainless. Fuck. It might seem like it's a breeze, but you just elected sleaze you end up with groups like cereza hopelessly corrupt devin nunez uh okay though he recently managed to twist another term out of 22's wrist through his rural support he'll stop the right to abort. He's the one that the campfire missed. Donald Trump Jr.

I feel so much pressure. Okay. You're a gross little man. Something, something, windowless van. Soon you'll be in jail, and that's good. I hate you and your dad. Rhyming. John Fetterman.

John Fetterman's fat, sloppy, gross, and disheveled and looks like the nemesis guy from Daredevil. But if I have to be nice, I think the best I can say is he didn't cover up child rape and that's good for PA. Rick Scott. Oh, all right. H Scott. Oh, alright. Hickory dickory

mystery. I oversaw the biggest Medicare fraud in history. Hickory dickory majestical. My face looks like a testicle. Alright, and finally, let's all get in on non-voters all of us yeah all at once oh uh okay i'll start uh there once was a boy who was white who refused to exercise his rights

he helped let trump win by remaining in and jerking off till he lost his eyesight. Boom! There we go! Now we're done. All right, well, I need a break to vomit now, again, more. So, whatever. We're going to turn things over to our next celebrity roasters, the organizers of QED,

when they weren't taking their gap year sabbatical, Andy Wilson and Michael Marsh. Hello there. I'm Andy Wilson. And I'm Michael Marshall. And we couldn't be happier to be helping out

Vulgarity for Charity. Marsh, what the hell's this? It's the charity drive, the one that the US Gay and Atheist guys do. Oh God, not them again. Are we sure it's their charity drive and not, oh, I don't know, someone else's charity drive that they flew across the ocean and inserted themselves into? Oh, Andy, I noticed you forgot to put us on the programme this year. Do you mind putting our

man-child on your stage to do car tricks and forget the name of Skeptic Magazine UK? Oh, I'll put you on the programme, all right, right across from Skeptic's Guide. That'll show you. At least Cecil had the sense not to show up. Oh, no, no, that was my doing, actually. Yeah, I told him not to come. Really? Why? Well, you know, it's the beard. I just, I'm constantly terrified he's going to get in a fight with Robin Hood right in the middle of the convention floor. So what have they written for us, then?

All right, let's have a look here. Well, I think we can skip pretty much all of these ones that Eli's written for you. I mean, to be honest, most of them are just signed confessionals. Signed confessions to sex trafficking. Well, the joke's on him. I actually am a sex trafficker. Sorry, what? I said, let's get cracking. The traffic will be awful. Right, right. Oh, here we are. Here we are. Dear Michael and Andy, thank you so much for

agreeing to help out this year. We've compiled all the requests for roasts within the atheist community for you and Andy to read. Don't worry about what we'll do with the audio clips. What? Those bastards. Well, how bad could they be? Let's have a look. Matt Dillahunty looks like the wise kung fu master at the top of the mountain, if he taught you to eat pancakes instead of fight. That's from Benji, that one.

All right, so Susan's asked for a roast of Nathaniel Walters from American Atheists. Apparently Nathaniel, well, Nathaniel looks like the kind of guy who thinks he's the guy who's secretly really good at pool. Oh yeah, no, I can see that actually, yeah. Okay, Jeff Blackwell from American Atheists has asked for a roast and they've written, Jeff looks like his latest plan is to eat all the Ten Commandment monuments. You look like the big boy mascot had a German cousin. Oh, here's one, here's one. Angie asked us to roast Jerry Dewitt. Will you please tell him he looks like Ray Comfort

if he believed in pasta as much as he believed in Jesus? All right, next up, Jeremiah has asked us to make fun of Bobby and Ashley. Who are they? Nobody knows. Hmm. Scotch? Oh, yeah, just a finger, thanks. Oh, no, I remember. Were they at ReasonCon? What's a ReasonCon?

ReasonCon. It's like if you tried to buy QED at an adult bookshop. Oh, here's one for Hemant Mehta, the friendly atheist. Hemant Mehta looks like the nerd that lets everyone else in atheism copy up his homework. Well, that's exactly what does happen. And then finally, Larry and Patrick would like you to roast David Smalley. David Smalley. David Smalley.

All right. All right, here it is. They've written, David Smalley is the only atheist who tried to sell out to the alt-right only to find out they weren't buying. He was going for Dave Rubin, but he ended up a lot more like a Rubin sandwich. Tired, bitter, and way too fatty. Oh, that's not nice, is it?

Ouch, ouch. Well, at least that's the last of them. Yeah, but I'm sure that organizing the next QDs will be an absolute breeze now. Well, I'm Andy Wilson. I'm Michael Marshall. And there's got to be a better way to raise money than this. All right.

Thank you, Andy and Marsh. If you'd like to check out the great work they do or hear any of their podcasts, head over to mercysideskeptics.org.uk. Really? Yeah, you can't hear it. You can't hear Incredulous, at least not a recent episode.

You gotta blow the dust off the Incredulous episodes. Like fucking National Treasure. Just like... Gentlemen, have you refueled your mean machines? Uh, if you mean, did I just watch Eli eat an entire sleeve of

Oreos during the break, then yes, I guess. I don't know what else I would have meant. Alright the break, then yes, I guess what, I don't know what else I would have meant. All right, Heath, then this one is for you, bud. It was like a coin star.

It was, it was actually impressive. It's hungry. Okay. Well now we have two requests for Eli. First up, Ian would like a roast from Eli for his friend Vesa. Okay.

But Eli is not a very strong reader, so I guess I'll take this one because he didn't do anything here. Vesa's face looks exactly like the overstuffed red leather couch that's behind him in the picture we got, which is kind of funny. The guy at the furniture store must

have been like, dude, just kill this couch's liver for a couple decades and you could hide from the police by just laying down naked on it. You'll be fine. It's rough. It's like an eight-year-old sculpted his face out of hot dogs for a school project. But like a dumb eight-year-old. Like a really uncoordinated shitty eight-year-old. Like some eight-year-olds are talented at this.

Not this one. Like a really shitty eight-year-old, like a really uncoordinated shitty eight-year-old. Like some eight-year-olds are talented at this. Not this one. Like a really shitty eight-year-old. Vesa, you look like Gumby's abusive father. Alright, and Tony would like a roast for Greg Laurie. Alright, Greg Laurie looks like John Grisham writes.

That is mean. He looks like he got cut from an episode of SVU for being way too obvious. All right, Cecil. Colin has basted himself. All he needs is for you to pop him in the oven, buddy. Hey, Colin.

The only way to preserve your virginity more would be to put a proud insole bumper sticker on your tiny cow hobby horse. proud insole bumper sticker on your tiny cow hobby horse. You look like you're about to break it to mommy that you've had a butt plug in all Thanksgiving dinner. Colin looks like his number's blocked at the complaints department for real dolls. It's not that funny. That's not that funny. Noah Char would like you to roast Justin.

He was at your very first New York live show, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Char said in the email that Justin had a large tumor removed from his head when he was a kid. So that is his face in the picture. That fucked up my first theory there. It also said he had a bad habit of trying to marry strippers that want to stab him. I'm not sure what the good version of that habit looks like,

but here goes. Justin, you look like the kind of guy who's pretty sure that that stripper really likes him. You look like the guy who tries to marry a stripper and fails. He looks like a busboy who's going to kiss the back of your girlfriend's hand if you introduce them. All right, Tom, we got a special request for you from Chris on this show specifically. OK, Chris, so I guess I met you at QED in 2016 and you're going to have to forgive me, but I forgot you.

You just get one of those faces you know it's not like not forgettable like not on its own but like really it's just like a visage so boring and featureless and devoid of light behind the eyes and expression like so vacant and soulless that just like staring into your deadlights left me so saddened and bereft of hope that in an effort to find joy again after seeing you, I just, I roofied myself to forget I had to, man. I mean, perhaps like someday if some like faint flicker of light briefly darts across the blank spots in your skull, the rest of us call eyes. Perhaps in that brief moment, the windows to your soul won't feel covered in blackout drapes.

Hi, Chris. Of course, whenever we do this fundraiser, a lot of time and energy gets spent on the good that we do, but there's so much more fun to be had with the bad. That's why we've saved up a very special section just for you, Heath. Just for you, buddy. Great. Let me guess. More dogs? Am I doing all the dogs now? Nope. No. Much better. This is just for you, Heath. Just for you, buddy. Oh, great. Let me guess. More dogs? Am I doing all the dogs now?

Nope. No. Much better. This is just for you. It's attractive single female listeners. Come on! Yeah, bud. Some of these folks included cute little notes about how cute you are, bud. So I'm going to have you roast them. And then when you do it,

she'll plant a seed. And sure, at the time, they'll laugh and they might even tweet you and say, oh, that was so funny. But slowly that seed of your words will burrow into their brains and they'll lie there in bed at night thinking, what if what he said was true? Is it true? It must be true. And then slowly that seed is going to grow into a tree of doubt, a tree just large enough that if you ever meet, they'll keep you at a nice cold distance. OK, hey, maybe Eli doesn't write the setup lines next year. Maybe just everybody writes their own setup lines.

I just read the words, Heath. I just read what's on the page, bud. You guys are assholes. Eli, you're an asshole. Are you there, Eli? Mostly Eli. I'm here! Alright, well, first up is... It hurts because he's lonely. Yeah, it does. It does.

Just going to take a moment. Moment of silence in the middle of this comedy roast. Just give it a second. Great. Okay. First up is Susanna. I know Susanna. Susanna. Susanna gave us $ Susanna. Susanna.

Susanna gave us $110 to roast her. And she sent a picture, which may or may not have already been the background on my laptop ever since I saw it on Facebook. So, pass. I'm going to pass. Heath, it's for charity. I will donate $120 if you let me not say mean things right now about Susanna.

No deal. God damn it. Fine. Okay. Push the button. Susanna looks like friend zone Barbie. You look like you're in a band that i pretend is very talented

like when i really listen to the lyrics you wrote i feel like we have this deep deep connection and the heel of your palm is blocking my forehead okay okay i leaned in and you karate blocked me. That was actually really fast. That was like super, super fast. And now I'm moonwalking out of the room trying to juggle any three objects around me that I'm scrambling for right now. And I dropped them. I dropped those.

My juggle didn't work. Great. And I fell. I fell now. I've fallen. There we go. Cool. So I'm going to still pass out the flyers for your band

whenever it's cool. It's we go. Cool. So I'm going to still pass out the flyers for your band whenever. It's cool. It's no problem. Cool. Who are you fucking later? Somebody else. Great. Awesome.

Enjoy. He sounds rich and attractive. Abs are awesome. Okay. Next up is Samantha. Hi, Samantha. Yup. Great.

Beautiful. Again. Cool. Awesome. Yep. Great. Beautiful. Again. Cool. Awesome. Okay. Samantha looks like Michael Jackson and Bjork got sent back in time until their physical appearances intersected somehow. This is great. This is so fun. That's a huge compliment, by the way, Samantha. If you know me, I swear to God, that's a good dollar. And then Lisa from Sweden.

Hi, Lisa. Hi, Lisa. Thank you for the shirt, Lisa. Hi. Yeah. And Lisa sent in an adorable picture of the two of us together. Cool. This is great.

This is a great section you set up. Eli, this is awesome. This is fun. Okay. Lisa looks like a hentai character that I'm Fucking with my giant tentacles until I wake up And do laundry I'm so sorry That's so mean I'm so sorry

Okay enjoy your beautiful country And your free healthcare All of which I would also have if we were married Cool so fun such a fun year I'm having a great year I'm doing great Well I thought that was excellent would also have if we were married. Cool. So fun. Such a fun year. I'm having a great year. I'm doing great. Well, I thought that was excellent. Heath secured with

us forever. I'm living with you next. You have nice house, probably. It's fine with me, man. You can swap out for one of the kids. I wouldn't even notice the difference. Okay. Cecil, I got two little treats for you. Oh, Eli, you just have to stop buying me friendship bracelets.

That's, I think, the key here. Okay. All right, then I have one little treat for you. I have prepared a collection of milfs for you. Or moms, I'd like to flambe. Like roast. This next section, we roast moms. That's awesome.

What would you say you'd do here? Wait, Eli, Eli, moms. So you say you do here wait Eli Eli moms so you're saying that's right it's time for yo mama hey crazy Zach your mama's so sick Christopher Columbus tried to rub her on

an Indian what that's such a good one Zach's mom looks like nurses keep putting DNR bracelets on her without asking. Zach's mom looks like she'd ask to speak to the manager at a drug deal. All right. We also got one for Tim who handles our social media. We love Tim Yo mama thinks the X-Men is a franchise about

Transgender women and she thinks transgender Is a dildo that turns into a flashlight Tim's mama's so old she told the Big Bang to cut all that racket out That'd be nice Alright hey Roger Yo mama's so worthless she married your dad No I may have done that Did that one wrong Yo mama's so worthless She married your dad No, I may have done that Did that one wrong

Yo mama's so drunk, her box has the spigot Yo mama's so trashy The only one who'll pick her up are the garbage men Roger's mama's not fooling anyone She looks like the before picture For the ER For real, this is her look after The plastic surgery

They go recycled. Not good. All right. Hey, Eva, your soon-to-be ex-mom-in-law, so old and spongy, you could shape her into a rectangle and have a nice memory foam mattress right away. You could put a glass of red wine on her face and then jump on her boobs and it would not spill. Hey, Jonathan.

Your mama seriously didn't treat you well and I hope now that you've had time. Time has passed and you realize that you're worthy of love and what she did says everything about her and nothing, nothing at all about you. Also, your mama's neck's so saggy,

someone could speed bag her throat waddle. Your mama's eye sockets are so deep that she needs to hire Ed Harris in a liquid-filled diving suit to adjust her contact. Wow, abyss deep cut. That was contact. Wow, a bisque deep cut. That was great. Wow. Pounding, pounding on the chest.

Deep cut in the arm. Finally, we got a $200 donation from Ashley, and here's the request. Last year, you guys ended on one of the segments by giving each other irony and insult free compliments, and I'm not going to lie, I got a little teary about that. She wants us to do that again this year let's do it again way to not get this ashley this isn't this is not what we do gross i don't want to say positive ashley's the kind

of person who doesn't want to keep score when you play ping pong fuck you all right but um i mean hey fuck it money's money so no matter whatraved, awful thing we have to do to get it. Hold on. It says Tom says something nice about. No, I make enough money. I'm good. No, I've got reserves. So can't be bribed.

Really? That's yours. You're just going to leave that one. That's fine. That's fine. He're just going to leave that one blank? Okay. That's the joke. That's the joke. He didn't do a rhyming one either. Jesus Christ.

All right. Well, I just have to fucking homework. I have no... Okay. So, Cecil is a genuinely good guy who makes the people around him feel important. Except Tom. But, like, seriously, it is almost impossible to interact with Cecil and not feel better

about the world on the other end of it. Strong agree. Eli, I gotta say something nice about you because you put me saying something nice about you. I just randomly... It was written around this one line that says Cecil says something nice about Eli.

The entire script just expanded from there. That one was in a really big font, too. Yeah, take that down a note. It was in like a fantasy font, too, you know? All right, Eli. Eli actually turns me into a little kid when he does magic. I look at the guy from the audience in America's Got Talent with his, like,

holding his cheeks and his mouth wide open. I'm just doing clappy claps the whole time. And it's really, I mean, it is that because Eli is a really fucking good magician and, like,

that's one of the reasons. But the other reason is that you could just tell he fucking absolutely loves it. And he's, you get excited watching him because he's just as happy to make people smile.

Aw. Aw. Heath? I don't think that's true. Heath, it's nothing that both Noah and I haven't told you before, but line for line,

moment for moment, you are by far the funniest person I've ever met. And I've met me. And like it or not, there is nobody I'd rather take romantic trips around the world with. And I'm sorry, Anna keeps coming along. She cannot take a hint.

I'm not. I love you too. And I love Tom. I also love Tom. I love you too. And I love Tom. I also love Tom. I love his face. I love his aroma, which is rugged yet refined. I love being immersed in the pleasing vibration of his voice

when it takes over a room. It's so very commanding and comforting at the same time. I just want to make him a sandwich all the time. But most of all, I love his heart. Like I really, really do love his heart. Behind all the sarcasm and the jokes and the intense loathing for all the things that deserve intense loathing, behind all that stuff, there's a genuine heart of gold. A truly great husband, this time, and father,

and friend, and human being, and member of society. He's the man I hope to be one day that I know I'll never be one day. He's like a father to me, but with more control of his limbs, speech and bowels,

I'm going to keep trying to be more like Tom and all of us should be doing the same thing, but I'm confident we'll never get there. And it's sad. Well, I will though. I'll get it. All right.

Well, that was great. With everyone deeply secured in their ear diabetes, except you, Noah, we'll wrap things up here. But we're doing one last one of these over on Scathing Atheist. So get your shit together while you can. All right. Thanks for joining us, guys. Thanks so much. Quite welcome.

Be on the show. I'm happy to be here. Thanks so much. You're quite welcome. I'm quite welcome. Good to be here. So there's not going to be an email segment this week. We wound up doing a long vulgarity for charity segment. We did indeed.

A good problem to have. Exactly. Yeah. So we're not going to be doing that. We are going to mention our patrons, though. We want to thank our patrons, Kevin and James, Confusing Name Changes, Tyson, Rachel, and I think that might be the Rachel that we roasted last week.

Susanna, Susie, Maxwell, Milo, Mary, Joel, and Michael. Thanks so much for your generous donations. You guys are the reason Glory Hole Studios exists. We want to thank, of course, the scathing guys for joining us tonight. They're great guys.

Thanks for coming on our show, and thanks for inviting us to help raise a bunch of money. We want to keep this momentum going, though. Remember we mentioned at the beginning of the show, $50,000, up to $50,000 match is exciting. It's extraordinarily exciting. It's exciting. Think about all the good that you guys are able to collectively do for these folks. This will carry

through the rest of the year. So please donate. If you want to donate, you can go to modestneeds.org, donate, send proof of your donation of $50 or more to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com. And then we will roast whoever you like. Just pick somebody to roast. Make sure to send a photo or something. We're going to be sprinkling these roasts throughout for a while. Until it's done. You can always find out more on our website or on the Scathing Atheist website. There's going to be links in the show notes

so you can donate and you can find out more about it. But that's going to be it for tonight. We're going to wrap it up. We did a patron-only AMA just tonight. We did it. And so if you want to be a patron, there's a whole bunch of stuff you get. You get a ton of shows and a just very recently recorded

AMA where patrons got to ask questions. About an hour worth of material. About an hour long and we had a great time. So, all right. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

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