Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 445: Vulgarity for Charity Part 3

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Thank you to everyone that helped us raise 122K for Modest Needs! 

This show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. If you go to AdamandEve.com right now and enter GLORY, the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout, you'll get 50% off almost any item, a free sex swing, and free shipping. Hey guys, Luke here from Denmark. I was never into witchcraft myself, but I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness, and these guys really believe in witchcraft and magic. Of course, it all comes from Satan. But there was this one story.

I remember we were going door knocking and we went to the house of a known Satanist. And there was all kinds of stories about this guy, like he could magic TVs into floating or turning on and off and all this kind of crazy shit. And yeah, we really believed that and we were scared of this guy. We could feel the aura or whatever. I guess my point is that that power alone over other people believed that and we were scared of this guy, we could feel the aura or whatever. I guess my point is that that power alone over other people, that they're so scared of you that they come to the door shaking, could be a reason on its own to get into witchcraft and that kind of magic. But yeah, it must have been pretty hilarious to see from their point of view.

Anyway, glory hole, motherfuckers. Hey guys, my name is Madeline. I just wanted to respond to your latest episode. Anyway, glory hole, motherfuckers. about it and realized what I probably should have a lot earlier was that all the same problems exist with casting spells and personal energy as does with police and fair so I eventually came around to the idea that the only things that are are probably the things which work anyway I just want to give my two cents love your show everything to it at work even though that's probably a bad idea keep up the great work, and glory holes. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended.

The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way we bring critical thinking skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome at this episode. Four hundred and forty five of cognitive dissonance. And I have to I have to say, Cecil, I have to eat my words a little bit on this show. Yeah. Cat care on our episode.

A couple episodes ago, she said, you know, she was praying for rain to hit the wild and rain hit the wildfires rain is so did it come from it did not coast travel from the winter storm 2 000 miles from nearly tennessee it was a totally different storm that just happened and may have happened in fact because of the unique weather system brought upon by the incredible amount of smoke or praying yeah it could have been that one of the other guys we can't know so you know maybe i'll hold on to eating my words until we can check in with science verify that later on in the show we're gonna have some uh some vulgarity for charity yeah can we just talk about how incredible that event was absolutely like i i know you want to as well but like i gotta say say, like, I,

I can't even tell you how blown away I was to just be a part of something like this and to have, and I, and I know that sounds schmaltzy, but I just, I really mean it. Like I felt so incredibly, incredibly proud of you guys. And I felt so proud to be a part of something that's done this much good. And I was thinking about, you know, the vulgarity for charity event raised 122,600 and change dollars in total between us and scathing and, and really you guys, the listeners and anonymous donors, and just the tremendous amount of support and charity that you guys,

you know, showed. I was looking at modest needs and so many of those people need $500 or less. So many of them. And it's like, that's hundreds, hundreds of people whose problems got solved. You know, they were in a tough fucking spot. And then they woke up and their problem was solved. That problem, that day was solved.

Hundreds of people, scores of people, Cecil. I have never felt better about anything that I've ever worked on. I will minimize our role, at least my role. I mean, I feel like the people who did, you guys did all the heavy lifting on this. I just wrote jokes. Like you guys did all the heavy lifting. You were the one who took your check. And a lot of people, I read some of these emails. These are from took your check. And a lot of people, I read some of these emails. These are from people who do not have a lot of means. These are people giving who do not have a lot of means. It's not like we happen to have a few multi-millionaires who chipped in a bunch of money and that was it. We have a lot of people who are working class people

who work part-time jobs, don't have a lot of money, but thought, you know what? This is a good enough cause to give to modest needs, to give to somebody who needs right now, who couldn't fall into poverty. I have a job. I can give a little something to them. And my hat's off to you. I just wrote some dick jokes, man. That's all I did. I wrote some jokes. I roasted some people, but you guys did all the work. So thank you so much for being so charitable. You're all sick. Oh, be nice. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay. Oh my God. What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard. I want to talk about this story from right wing watch. This is Dave coach, doc coach, Not a coach.

Da Ben Meyer. Ugly women become lesbians because no man would ever love them. Cecil, would you do me a favor and Google Portia de Rossi for me real quick? What about the chick from Juno? Well, isn't that, isn't that, isn't the, yeah, right? Isn't she a lesbian? I thought she came out as a lesbian. What about, what about the, is it like Natalie Portman lesbian? I don't came out as a lesbian. What about the...

Isn't Natalie Portman a lesbian? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't know either. I feel like maybe I read that somewhere once. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea. I don't know.

I know that there's plenty of lesbians that plenty of men would love. I've seen some of the women just regular men love. That's so mean. That's terrible. All right, here's Dave. I'm convinced of this.

Folks, you look around. I had to go to Walmart yesterday. Then I went to Rural King. I like Rural King. They give you free... Oh, my God. He's just going to tell us the errands that he ran? Rural King?

Rural King. I went to a Rural King when I was stuck in the bottom, like at the ass of Illinois. I needed some zip ties in kind of an emergency situation. Don't ask a lot of questions. I went to a place called Rural King. It's like Big R or like Farman Fleet. It's like the same thing. Are you fucking kidding me?

It's the same thing. Rural King. Yeah. I went in. A tooth fell out as soon as I walked in the door. I was going to say, what makes you a king when you're rural? You have two teeth

instead of one? Like, what is that? Went to rural king yesterday and I was just looking around. Do you know this? Michelle said, don't say this. I love you, honey.

I'm going to say it anyway. He's recording from his basement. That's why he looked up and said that. That's his wife. He said that to the ceiling. Guys, he just said, I love you, honey, and he looked straight up. It's because he fucking basically is

recording in Glory Hole Studios 1.0. Maybe Michelle Obama is his God. I love you, Michelle. I do. I love you like fucking George W. loves you. A lot of unattractive people in the world like you yeah man there are there absolutely are I'm looking at one right now

this is a pot kettle moment if ever there was a pot kettle moment it absolutely is I love it when people that are like hideous to look at are gonna be like man there's a lot of ugly folk you're ugly. Yeah.

Going to go ahead and buy you a mirror. If you bought him a mirror, he would peck it to death. I was going to say, he's like a fucking parakeet going crazy like this. Extremely overweight. Just not very attractive. Look at the people that are in his feed right now. I know. Alphabet

man. Look at these people. They're spilling over their webcams right now. They can't even find a webcam wide angle enough to fit them in it. These are people for whom a fisheye lens is just a lens. And David, I

don't wonder if some of this, especially in women, some of this, especially in women, some of this homosexuality stuff going on. Some of them, how do I say this? I can't wait for this. Here's the thing. Chances are you're not going to say it in the right way. There's a reason why this is on right wing.

Now, when you're saying something hate-filled and mis misogynist It is important that you choose your words carefully I wouldn't want to be misunderstood Convince people of your position This is going to be amazing About ugly folks Some of the women that I see fighting for women's rights Would have a hard time finding a man Does that make sense?

Does anybody understand what I'm saying here? Did you yell at me, Michelle? Coach. Was that Michelle? I don't know what happened there. Maybe I'm not even wrong. Coach, what are you talking about? Can we just, like, so the assertion here is that, like,

so the the assertion here is that like women who cannot find a man like they can find a woman though like they can find like women are like you know it's really hard to find a guy who's gonna fuck me i'll look for a woman to fuck me because that's a less discerning gender like we're stepping on this yes yeah i think if they can't find a man i think there are no men to find Like, yes. Yeah, Joe. They can't find a man. I think there are no men to find. Oh, Joe. Well, that's what I did is I reversed the syntax of your sentence in order to sort of double reverse the meaning in a way that is Yoda-like and blow your mind. There are no real men out there.

Also Scotsmen. If anyone's looking for a Scotsman. That's a whole nother issue as well. A whole nother issue as well. And so I look at it in our sex-starved culture, in our sex-starved, the nation in which we live.

Real quick, do we have a sex-starved nation and culture? Because I thought like, from this guy's own assertions, like we're sexually deranged. He's from other videos. Like we're a perverse,

sexually deranged, sexually over-liberated culture. Yeah, exactly. It's the exact opposite of what he's saying. But now we're sex-starved. I think his wife just won't fuck him and he's real mad about this. It's interesting that there's,

you're right. It's before it's, oh, that's, you know, look at, look, it's basically fucking, you know, a total orgy in the world. Right. And, you know, we need to throw it on the brakes. But instead, now he's saying, well, it's now it's sex starved. And the only way to do that is what?

Turn it back to the Victorian times like you like it to be? Is Jordan Peterson going to guest on his show next? Is you sure that's not Jordan? No, I'm not sure the rhetoric's the same. I would understand now why an unattractive woman might be drawn to an unattractive woman.

If they're both unattractive, why would they attract to each other? There's still women. They can still get a dude. Nobody chooses to go with the same sex because they can't get with somebody of the opposite sex. They choose to go with the same sex because they can't get with somebody of the opposite sex. They choose to go with the same sex because that is how they were born.

That is how they were made. That's it. They don't choose that at all. In fact, that is thrust upon them. If we chose our sexual partners by the availability of actual sexual contact, all dudes would be gay. Right. You'd just be like, oh, it's easier to fuck a dude because all dudes want to fuck always. I'm going to be a gay.

End of story. Yeah, because if that's what you wanted, but instead you don't choose it. Because you're attracted to what you're attracted to. What you're born being attracted to. It's almost like it's not a choice. Exactly. And so this idea where he's like, oh yeah, well you just fucking all these people out in the world just get to

choose what they are because they want to go for the same sex. It's like, no, you just don't want other people to know that you're probably bi or gay. Right. That's what it is. Really, both of them probably. It's hard to find a man to love them. That sounds really... You come here, I'll tell you.

I love too that that also indicts men as being so shallow that the only women we will love are attractive women. As if to suggest that the only thing that we find attractive in a maid is their physicality. And then you're just like,

I don't know, I was in love with her until she got in that car accident. Now I don't love her anymore. Right? Because I'm the worst. That's who I am. The worst. China has total respect

for Donald Trump and for Donald Trump's very, very large brain. Oh my God. This is from Newsweek. Donald Trump on how he makes decisions. Quote, I don't think about them. Now that's a little bit out of context,

but it's not terribly out of context. Let me go ahead and read this from his Chris Wallace interview, which is just, I mean, this happened. This happened. This is one of those moments where you're like, can I see the real one where they weren't just palling around and being goofs with each other? So Chris Wallace says,

now when you're sitting at your desk, how do you make decisions? I mean, do you agonize over them? Do you second guess yourself? I don't think about them, Trump said. I don't think about, you know, how I make them.

I make what I consider the right decision. I have't think about how I make them. I make what I consider the right decision. I have great people working at the White House. They don't get enough credit. I have some tremendously talented people, most of which I will fire. And I will talk to them, and sometimes I'll have them go at each other. I do like that, you know, let them go at

each other. Do they knife fight each other? He seriously, I do want to pause here for a second because I want to give some credit where it's due. I think it is a good idea to have a kind of thunderdome of ideas, right? I don't actually think that's a terrible idea. If you've got a complex issue and there are two sides

which have reasonable expectations to those sides to be right. I'm not talking about something like climate change, right? There's no second side to climate change. Like, what does the data say? Everything else doesn't matter, right? But if you have something like, how should we fix this seemingly intractable issue? Or what are the best solutions for healthcare? Things like that. I think that having people kind of thunderdome their ideas and then fighting those ideas out in a really adversarial way is actually a pretty good way to find the best idea, right?

The war of ideas. I like that. But then he's just like, you know, I put people in a room, I get them to fight, and then I just pick the one I like the most. That's really what he's saying. And the idea that he doesn't agonize over the decisions that he makes that affect 320 million people says he doesn't give a shit about the decisions he makes that affect 320 million people, says he doesn't give a shit about the decisions he makes that affect 320 million people. And some of those decisions affect 7 billion people. I think when you started to say, it might not be a bad thing to have sort of a thunder dome of ideas, I think in some ways I agree.

But in other ways, I think, well, they both have to be equal orators then. Like on either side, you better have rhetoricians that are equal, that can in some way not out rhetoric the other guy. That's true. You know what I mean? Because if somebody on one side, if you always pick one guy

who's always going to convince you for one side, he's always going to convince you. And they were saying there's been plenty of coverage of this from many other very good news sources that have been saying convince you and they were saying there was some there's been plenty of of coverage of this from many other very good news sources that have been saying that he's working a three-hour workday that he's not he's not working long hours like burning the midnight oil in the fucking in the

in the white house right he's working three-hour workdays he's not he's he's barely doing stuff like he's he's the other day like it's exactly the stuff. Like he's, the other day, like It's exactly the amount of stuff I want him to. I know, but like he came out the other day of the White House, the entire thing on his entire schedule for the entire day was walk out and do a wave at the camera

when they delivered the tree on horse-drawn carriage. They delivered the Christmas tree. Did you see like an armistice day when he was in France and it rained and he was like, yeah, I'm not going to that thing? They had said, like, there's been two sides of that. And the one side is saying, well, what the fuck, you should go there no matter what. And the other side was like, yeah,

well, he couldn't get there because they didn't want to helicopter him there. Like the helicoptering was dangerous because of the rain or something like that. But there were a lot of other leaders there. And you know, like you just get into a car then. If they can't fucking helicopter you, get into a car. If it's going to take you three hours to get there, it's going to take you three hours to get there. And you know, like you just get into a car then if you can't fucking helicopter you get into a car, it's going to take you three hours to get there. It's going to take you three hours to get there. You're the president of the United States. You know what? Like I can't call

in and miss an important meeting at my work. And I make way less and I'm way less important than you. You know what I mean? Like, it's just that when you take a job, you have responsibilities, the end, do the responsibilities. That's it. The thing is, man, everybody else showed up. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like they canceled the event due to rain. Like, oh, nobody else. Like you said, there are other forms of fucking transportation available.

And other leaders showed up. Other leaders showed up. So. Yeah. No, this guy doesn't give a shit. But he caught a bunch of shit for that. And he pushed back and said it was the Secret Service's fault. Whenever there's any pushback on this guy, it's always somebody else's fault. And I feel like this is another out for him. This is another one of those ways for him to be like, well, I had idea people in here and I thought about him, whatever. And, you know, like I'm going to basically pick the next guy to be the scapegoat for me. And, you know, we're talking and we've had a couple of conversations about this already and it's the qualifications for president yeah we're talking about qualifications for president this is what

happens when you have an unqualified guy a guy who doesn't know anything about anything he can't don't tell me he can discern a good idea from a bad idea because i don't think he can well i want to i want to touch on something he said that i think is is fucking essential what he says is i don't think about you know how i them. I make what I consider the right decision. Somebody who is so uninterested in understanding his own thought process, somebody who doesn't spend time, not just asking questions about what's the right decision in this context, but how do I make good decisions? What makes a good decision? How do I, how should I arrive at my conclusions? What are the, what are the right mechanisms that I should use to know? Yeah. Right. Like those are things we should all, all of us

should always be gut checking ourselves on it and more than gut checking, but like having real moments of paused consideration, like how do I know that I'm on the right path? How do I know that my thoughts are being formed the right way? How do I know I'm asking good questions about this topic? Have I really thought this through? This is a guy who's basically said like, I don't think about how I think. Yeah. I don't want that guy in charge. Yeah. This guy should spend all of the time, all of the time when he's not making a decision, thinking about how to make better decisions because that's his only fucking job. Yeah. So if you're a decision guy, everything rolls up. Right. So if your fucking job is to make widgets all day, then you better know how do I make the best widget? What are the processes involved to make great widgets? He isn't interested

in his own mental processes. That scares the shit out of me. That's lazy. That smacks of arrogance and hubris and laziness. You it's what's crazy too is even a platitude to sell a platitude to an interviewer right should include the american people in that in some way it's i don't think about them i just i don't think about it you know i just make them i make what i consider to be the right decision not i make what i consider to be the right decision you know based on what the population wants or something, you know what I mean? Easily make, easily throw a platitude in there that somehow mentions America. Well, let's move on to the rest of the interview because it also, like, it doesn't make any fucking sense when you listen to this guy.

He says, he asked him which decisions he found the most challenging. Trump's response is, I think we had a real decision as to which way to go for North Korea. And certainly, at least so far, I'm very happy with the way we went. And then Wallace refers, he says, even though there was talk that they were putting up new sites. And he says, maybe they are. Maybe they're not. I don't believe that. I don't. And you know, could be, which is, if that's the way it goes, that's the way it goes. You know, I go the way we have to go. But so far, it's been good. We have a very good relationship. That doesn't mean anything.

Can I read it again? Yeah, sure, please. Maybe they are, maybe they're not. I don't believe that. I don't. And you know, could be, which is, if that's the way it goes, that's the way it goes. You know, I go the way we have to go,

but so far it's been good. We have a very good relationship. The man's a fucking imbecile. Yeah, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard anyone ever say. He's basically said, he answered the question about North Korea with, it is what it is. And you know what's crazy is

they, the, I don't know if it was the Post or the Times, did research on this and found that they are building new sites. Oh, there's no question about it. They closed down a couple of sites. They did sort of, did like a, you know, hey, we're going to about it. They closed down a couple of sites. They did sort of, did a like a, you know, hey, we're going to close these,

showcase close a couple of these. But they built a bunch. And the reason why they're building them, and from what I hear, from what I thought, I think I read, they're being open about it because the document that we signed with them was so vague on both

sides. Both sides think that they're that we signed with them was so vague on both sides, both sides think that they're winning. Basically, North Korea doesn't think that what North Korea thinks is going to happen is that they can continue doing whatever they want. We'll back up everything that we're doing against them, all the sanctions, all the stuff. Right. And then they'll start to denuclearize.

And we think it's the exact opposite. But there's no time frame in the document and there's no way, order of operations in it. And so it's written in such a sloppy, messy way so that both sides think they won and nothing is going to happen based on it. Well, you know, I mean-

And the people, the New York Times people went to the CIA and the other intelligence agencies and said, look, we know that they're building these things. And the CIA said, yeah, we know. Yeah, we know. And he's saying, maybe they are, maybe they're not. I don't believe that. That's his intelligence agency that has told him as much.

But like, he also said he doesn't believe that the Saudis are responsible for the death of Khashoggi. He said, I don't think that. And then they said, but your fucking intelligence agency, your intelligence agency, come out and said that the Saudis were responsible for ordering the killing of that journalist. And he says, yeah, but I don't believe

it because I talked to the Saudi prince and he's a real believable guy. This is the one thing. Nobody can get sold more than a salesman. Yeah. Right? Nobody is an easier sell than a salesman. This guy gets fucking sold.

Every guy he talks to. Everybody he talks to. You know, it's interesting. That Khashoggi thing could be the one thing that really turns the Republicans against him. There's a lot of Republican pushback about against this. Is there really?

There is. They are- I'm kind of surprised by that. They're basically saying, look, I never thought I would ever see a sitting president be such a spokesperson

for Saudi Arabia. I never thought I would see that. Not allowed. Not allowed. We've always done it really quietly. Right, it's true.

And it's funny because even there's some Republicans who are apologizing for it and basically saying, look, it's either going to be Iran or Saudi Arabia over there that's going to be swinging the big dick. So we've got to make sure we pick one of them. And you're like, well, do we? Well, you know, here's where I would respect that if we said it, if we said what was true, right? Which is, look, Saudi Arabia is a power player in the Mideast. We think that we have some influence and we have

some control over there. We want to make sure that we keep Saudi Arabia, that the guys in Saudi Arabia that are in charge, keep it stable enough for us to not destabilize an area that we're worried about, right? We think it's in our own selfish best interest to allow the atrocities and the human rights violations to continue in Saudi Arabia because to do otherwise might create a power vacuum, blah, blah, blah. If we were honest about it, if we said it out loud, look, we know they're assholes.

They're garbage. We know it, but we need them on our side. We have to be allied with evil in order for us to get what we want in that region. We want oil. We would fucking say it.

We're coming up on Christmas time, Tom, Adam and Eve. They have your jingle balls. They're ready to go. They also have a sex swing. That's good because I have... That you can put in the sleigh. I have antler-shaped dildos at home.

I have antler-shaped balls. That's weird. You need a doctor. That's not... I don't feel like... I got a tag and an MD here. Oh, jeez. No, that's really bad.

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It's like, why is my stocking happy to see me? And there's a possibility you could even strap that stocking on later. You have options. You have options. You have so many options. You could move that stocking on. You have options. You have options. You have so many options. You could move that stocking up. There's a lot of different things you could do at adamandeve.com.

So check it out, adamandeve.com. Use Gloria Checkout. You'll get a free sex swing, free shipping, and 50% off almost any item. This story is from Right Wing Watch. This is Mark Taylor. This is the firefighter prophet.

He should have been out in California. Eric Holder is posting mind should have been out in California. Eric Holder is posting mind control codes on Twitter. Oh. Eric Holder is doing that. Eric Holder is back. Oh, okay. Remember former Attorney General Eric Holder? I do.

I'm just interested to see that he's doing stuff. Yeah. I think everybody is. Mind control codes on Twitter. There's codes. So what is up, up, down, down? That'll get you 30. That'll get you 30 minds. 30 minds get controlled

with the Namco code. Alright, here we go. This is Eric Holder. This is an Eric Holder. This is Mark Taylor. Talk about the Eric Holder thing. What was your thing about seeing Eric Holder on some in front of JFK picture? He changed his Twitter background, uh, to,

you see him standing there with his arms crossed in front of JFK's, uh, gravesite. And he's got his hands together with his two fingers. Like he's given a code. His hands together with his two fingers. Can you call it up? Yeah, let's take a look. Let's see. Let's see his finger code. We can describe it to people.

Is he throwing the shocker? you think? Maybe he's just throwing out the shocker. A little like, hey, wifey. Is that him? Is that the picture I'm supposed to be worried about? Is they talking about, is that the JFK monument? Yeah, I think that's the picture. Is that like the eternal flame that they have?

Yeah, that's the picture. So wait a minute. What's he doing with his hands? I'm supposed to be worried about. He's got his one hand clasped over the other hand. What is he doing with his hands I'm supposed to be worried about he's got his one hand clasped over the other hand what is he doing with his hands those are just hands his hands are just what are you saying Tom I do not understand what you're saying oh no you've been taken over by the mind control

I am also taken over by Eric Holder controls me Eric Holder wants you to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and thank you that's the tweet the top tweet wants you to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and thank you. That's the tweet, the top tweet, by the way. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and thank you.

Alright, let's listen to more of that. Okay, so the audience is standing in front of the eternal flame of JFK. You would have thought that would have burned out a long time ago. But anyway, hands just class. Yeah.

Class respectfully one over the other, the other, just sort of might do in a solemn way, like solemnly looking over an eternal flame. Right. All right. So I'm curious now what he's going to say. So,

you know, people aren't stupid now, but they were before. Yeah. Do you think that he's given the order to have the same thing to happen to Donald Trump that happened to JFK. Is that what you're surmising? It's not looking good,

so let's put it that way. He thinks that Eric Holder, at the eternal flame, with his hands clasped together respectfully, is giving a secret signal on Twitter. Why would you do anything secret on Twitter? Why would you do anything secret on Twitter?

Why would you do that? Also like Eric Holder gives that to say like Eric Holder guy has been out of government now for a while. He's going to be the one who gives that, that signal to whom I, why would you send a secret anything on a public forum? Who, who does it then?

Is there like one Oswald out there who's really good with a bolt-action rifle who has a library card and can get into the right place? I hope there isn't. It looks like there is something being given off in the spirit by what he's doing. These guys have code words. They have symbolisms. I mean, they don't have to come out right out and say something to activate these people. That's what people don't understand.

Activate people? We're all activated anyway. Wake up this morning, drink a cup of coffee, wait 30 minutes. I'm active as hell. You're going, dad, are you activated? Dad's not activated anymore. Dad's been deactivated. I'm only 40.

I wake up. I'm still activated. It's fine. It's mostly pee, though. I've been saying this for a long time is that, look, all you got to do is somebody who's under mind control or like these active shooters. I prophesied that about the Pulse nightclub shooting. It wasn't coincidence that you had the Bilderbergs meeting the same week that that Pulse nightclub shooting

went down. It's not? Why would that not be? I would imagine it's exactly coincidence. Hey, Cecil, you want to have a meeting? Or do we have to make sure there's a mass shooting in order for us to have our meeting? And maybe we'll have our meeting and then a mass shooting will happen afterwards and you'll be like, God damn it!

Ugh, fuck! I should have been at that nightclub. No, wait, that's not what I meant. It's because they're sending this stuff out. They're into the highest forms of witchcraft on Earth. So all the stuff gets activated in this Instagram, which is what's the lowest form? That's Instagram. That's Instagram.

That's the lowest form. The highest form is that's some David I guess it's Twitter. Yeah, I guess the highest form is The highest form is... That's some David Icke level shit. I guess it's Twitter. Yeah. I guess the highest form... You're right. The highest form is Twitter. Is Twitter witches? Twitches?

It's a different platform. Video games. It's a different platform. I've done active shooter response training with Leos and fire service. Law enforcement officers. With Leos and Aquariuses. Pisces.

Pisces and cancers. Of course, officers. So, I mean, we've done all this. And you hear the stories. You see what's going on with these active shooters, what's going on in their mind. This is total demonic. What's funny is, like, some of the active shooters you never get to know. Yeah.

We never get to know what happened in the Vegas guy. Don't get to know. We get to make a whole bunch of shitty speculation after the fact, but we don't get to know. Well, it's funny. It's like, yeah, a lot of these guys we do know, and a lot of the recent ones, it's been fucking racism inspired. Racism and misogyny inspired.

It's like, yeah, we do know what inspires those incels to fucking shoot places up. We do know what inspired the Pulse nightclub shooting. We do know what inspired the San Bernardino shootings. And we do know what inspired a lot ofino shootings. And we do know what inspired a lot of these shootings. The Charlottesville driver who killed that person. Right. Yeah. And it's racism. It's racism and misogyny. Yeah.

I mean, I could go into a story right now with one, but I'm not going to do it. We don't have time. But I mean, these guys are totally demonic when it comes to this stuff. So they're using the mind control. They're using these activation codes to activate these guys. like the red line. And then Rachel Maddow, whatever her name is, she repeats this thing. And now you've got all these protests going on across, supposedly trying to get across the country. What does that even mean?

So I will translate this for you. Help me. Recently, when Donald Trump fired Jeff Sessions, MoveOn.org, since the president took office, well, actually, since the Mueller probe started, MoveOn.org has had a page, and that page has said, do not let Donald cross the red line. Because Donald had used that rhetoric before. If you cross it, you're crossing a red line.

So they used that own rhetoric back. And they said, do not let him cross a red line. And the red line was if he tries to fire Mueller. Well, when he fired Sessions, they decided that this was enough for them to basically have the red line. And what this is, is this page just basically says, here's where all of the protests will

take place if he fires Mueller. And it basically, anybody who wants can sign up to organize one of these protests all across the country. And they basically just were an organizing feature for these protests. He fired Sessions. The next day, there was a protest in Chicago. I marched in that protest. It was after work on like a Wednesday or something like that.

And it was in the Daily Center. We marched from the Daily Center to the Trump Plaza. And it started in the Daily Center. Durbin spoke there and a couple other people. And then afterwards, we marched down the street. But it was all organized through moveon.org because they had that specific... How much looting did you do? Oh gosh, you should have saw it. We just walked down the street. How many cars did you flip? I will say I was actually a little nervous

and I was looking backwards a bunch because I was afraid someone would drive a car through it. Like I was sure, like there was going through my brain was like, oh, maybe there'll be a car that drives through it. You know, like maybe that. So I constantly, I was, my head was on a swivel for sure. I was paying attention.

I was like, it's not a dumb thing. I was like, oh, you know what? Maybe there'll be a car that drives through here. So I, but we walked, we walked the whole thing. Everybody was super peaceful. Cops were awesome. You know, the cops, this is a, it's a democratic city. And so people don't flip out, man.

There's no, but there's nobody there to, there's no counter protesters. There was a, there there's nobody there to, there's no counter protesters. There was no, there was a group of people that were anarchists that were there who were trying to say like, we need to basically topple the government, but they didn't have any pull. Everybody was just kind of like, shut up.

Like, but nobody, there was no fighting or anything. So that was it. But it was, but it was. How demonic did that seem? Is that a curiosity? It's not like I watched Rachel Maddow and was like, oh, Rachel said red line,

rods crossed, must go, march tomorrow. Instead, I was like, I was on Reddit, actually, and they had said, they'd posted a bunch of these things, and I was like,

oh, cool, there's going to be a protest tomorrow, I said to my wife, and she said, let's do it. And I was like, cool. And then we did. And that was the extent of it.

But only because she mind controls me. That's basically the reason. Yeah, I think it was funny because there was a bunch of signs there that people had and a couple of them looked really nice and I kept on nudging her and being like, look at that Soros sign. Look at that fucking Soros sign. That was not made in the basement with love. That sign

was made by Soros. My favorite sign though, had a picture of Marsha Brady on it. And it said, Russia, Russia, Russia. I loved it. I thought it was absolutely amazing. That was my favorite. There was a couple that were really good. Some really funny ones. I took a bunch of pictures of my favorites, but, but yeah, that's, that's what he's talking about. He's talking about the, when he's talking about the red line, he's talking about, you know, he's thinking that's a code word all it was was just a organizing feature a hashtag these guys are like these are guys who like they can't they can't conceive of a world where

somebody's like well that's a good idea i like that idea so i'm gonna go ahead and i'm gonna do that too what they have to think in order for their world to work is like yeah nobody thinks that's in their right mind so anyone who thinks differently than me that's in their right mind. So anyone who thinks differently than me is controlled by actual demons. Or by Eric Holder, who might be an actual demon. Yeah, I think he's saying like,

Eric Holder activates these mind-controlled people and it's witchcraft and the demons are in their balls or whatever. Roll back to the Tea Party protests because there were a lot of Tea Party protests all over the nation. Yeah. I never once thought those people are being mind controlled. Of course you did.

I might have thought, wow, that seems like a dumb thing to protest. Well, it also didn't seem like a cohesive protest. It was always like, here's some things we're mad about. Yeah. It was like a real mushy conglomerate of anger. were mad about. Yeah. It was like a real mushy.

Yeah. Conglomerate of anger. But it didn't seem like because, you know, what they were saying is, you know, they they were they were trying with in every way that they could to say we are protesting

the president without actually protesting the president. Right. They did everything they could. Oh, like hanging him in effigy and putting pictures of him up as a and burning him.

Yeah. They did that, too. Yeah. Making him look like a fucking orangutan yeah but they did it they they also though when you talk to like the people who were organizing it they would know like very rarely would they come out and be like well we're just protesting obama they because there really wasn't anything that he was doing that was you know the people were like you know you could disagree with his policies but you know what right you know what's the big deal here we're protesting a person like, you know, you could disagree with his policies, but, you know, what's the big deal?

Here we're protesting a person who's, you know, literally in bed with other governments doing, you know, shady shit constantly. And he's getting away with all kinds of horrible stuff. And we're just like passing. I mean, there's so many scandals, Tom. We forget the scandals. We're basically scandal exhausted. We're just at this point, we can't even remember them all. But that's the demons. The demons work up your memory. That's the problem. I guess so. But yeah, I look when I roll back and I think about those moments, I think, I never once thought those people were being controlled by an outside force. I thought the protests themselves were dumb.

But their response to this is that it's unnatural to disagree. It's unnatural to disagree with something that clearly is right. Because they start off from a vantage point of we have the only correct worldview. It's the only correct one.

It's time to bring back on the man of the hour. Long journey to get out of a chair. Heath Enright and his two normal by comparison hosts. It's time to bring back on the man of the hour, long journey to get out of a chair, Heath Enright and his two normal by comparison hosts. Hey, hey, Tom, some of us don't just jump out of a chair, okay? They make a spreadsheet and they use it mathematically as is proper. They quiz themselves twice to make sure they spelled mathematically correctly and they died alone. They died alone.

All right, well, while this is our final official segment, correctly and they died alone. They died alone. Oh. All right. Well, while this is our final official segment, if you guys don't hear your roast, don't worry. All right. We've divided you up over the next several weeks. You'll be able to hear your roast either here or over on Scathing Atheist. When we're all done, donors can expect a compiled file in your inbox as soon as we can, you know, put it all together. So with that out of the way, Patrick gave us $800 to roast him.

So gentlemen, let's get to it. Okay. Well, first of all, it's apparently Arthur slash Patrick, and he needs to pick a name. That's what it says. That's ridiculous. And then he needs to never wear that Hawaiian shirt again because he's a goddamn grownup.

And then he needs to consider shaving his beard into a shape with y-axis symmetry that's important for beard it's ridiculous the left side looks like you got photoshopped in by muhammad ali having trouble the mask looks like he went to the barber and asked for the stroke victim and that's what he got patrick in your picture you, I think you're shown actual size in the photo provided. Let me tell you something, buddy. That dick is not one you send a pic of. Quick question, though.

How did you get such a clear photo through that microscope lens? That's well done. It's amazing what they can do with digital cameras now. Yeah, it looks like the Lollipop Guild spun off a boy band. Your beard looks like when a quarterback

gets fucking smeared from the blind side and then they stand up after they get smelling salted awake and their helmet is on sideways and their chin strap is on one cheek. It looks like that, only not as intentional. Patrick looks like he greets the people who visit his home in a sex swing. Patrick's the only guy who could creep everybody out at an orgy by offering past hors d'oeuvres. Sounds nice.

All right, next up we have Ryan. Ryan gave us $500 to roast his army buddies. So let's make like post-traumatic stress disorder and tear these guys apart. All right. his army buddies. So let's make like post-traumatic stress disorder and tear these guys apart. Nick looks like he watches American History X backwards so he can enjoy the story. Nick, you look like an ostrich that joined the military

to get out of prison. Also, if you don't like these roasts, I'm Heath. That's the one I am. I'm Heath Henry. The curving thing backwards though? That would be crazy looking. That's a street dentist. Austin looks like the kind of guy

that can't stop sending Liz Croken selfies of you in your dad's sunglasses and FedExing her extra fingers. Alright, Michael. You look like you are in the army. You know, I mean, I mean that you have that like too dumb to find a job. You can't be fired from kind of like we're not gay, but let's take our shirts off and wrestle and then shower together.

Kind of look, you know, that like brothers in arms, tips touching kind of look. The one that only the real heroes who volunteer thinking they're going to be the Avengers or some shit, but most heroic act will typically include maybe, you know, not having air conditioning

for a while at your desk job. But, you know, you'll tell everyone you personally found bin Laden. Kind of look. All right. Jason looks like a model for, you know, sensible neo-Nazi menswear. Very sensible. You should call him Calvin Klan from now on.

Calvin Klan is amazing. Jason puts the Lacoste in Holocaust. He is rough. All right. And I drew Ryan himself, who gave us three bullet points in his bio. His first was his job. And the other two were, quote, PC gamer and failed podcaster. So the most significant things he can think of about himself are what he does during the Pornhub refractory period and failing at something

Tom can do. Sorry, bro. I can't cook you a steak that's already burnt. There's not a thing anymore. Heath doesn't... Alright, Heath, buddy. This one is just for you. Joel gave us $500 to Rose Tim, so make it a good one. Okay. Joel...

Wow. Okay. Joel looks like he's somebody's bitch, even though he's not in jail. He's definitely somebody's bitch. He looks like Simon Pegg's cuck double. Like if Simon Pegg had to watch his wife get fucked by another guy in a movie and he didn't feel like it, Joel would get permission to let

go of his Guardian's inside-out pocket and then go on set to jump in for Simon Pegg. Oh, is it set on pocket? You have to hold it if you're the bitch. They know you're right there. Oh, Cecil, James would like you to roast the white

scarves of Tremaris. I don't even know what that means. You shouldn't. Would you know what that means? There's literally no reason for you to know what that means. I don't know if I you know that? Why would you know what that means? I was literally nervous I don't even know if I pronounced that right. White scarves, I guess, is it's scarves is plural. So I would say scarves.

White scarves to Trimeris, you suck so bad we had to send a fucking bronze ring down there to win your crown. You joined a dork organization filled with unathletic twats and you still get picked last for melee. What the fuck? All right, I'll take this next one. with unathletic twats and you still get picked last for melee. I'm so shocked.

Alright, I'll take this next one. Molly requested a roast for her ex and she requested me, which is odd because that's usually in the reverse order. That joke doesn't make any sense, Tom. Sorry. Yeah, I don't get it. Eli wrote it. I didn't get it either.

Come on! We fuck bad! Blah, blah, blah. Penis small. parasocial content compare him to a thing that's bad tom say long words now maybe next year we just pass off that like eli doesn't have to write all this thank you yes exactly unless unless they're about heath i'm fat what's happening right now i don't understand you don't have to read all this damn Damn it. You're in my crew. Well, I guess I got to do it now. So I'm going to go ahead and roast Molly's ex.

Probably doesn't have a name or get a name, but does appear to have alopecia and some kind of mucus-secreting facial disorder. So here goes. Everyone breaks up, man. Happens to everyone at some point. But almost never do the people we break up with decide that the best way to conclude that breakup is to put thousands of physical miles of distance between you so like if that happens to you if your ex says you know i find you so

repellent and loathsome that the only way i can tolerate still living on this earth with you in it is to put geographical barriers of magnitude between us. Maybe you should use that as a moment of sober self-reflection and just acknowledge that no matter how you think this all went down, the problem was, is, and always will be you. Oh, shit.

That felt good. That felt really good. All right, Noah. Alex gave us $300 and requested that you roast his grandma. This is the meanest thing we do. Jesus, man. Oh, no, his grandma is a total cunt. No,

he didn't say what her job was. You call these sugar cookies your whore? No, like you look at this woman's picture and you can tell that she has one of them jobs where she's bitchy to people who have been standing in a long line to do something they didn't want to do in the first place. Okay.

I can also tell if you don't stir her face a little more, the pancakes are going to come out lumpy. Alex's grandma, Alex will never tell you this because he wants some of your money when you die and you're too horrible of a bitch to talk to for very long. But you look like Cuadro's concubine. All right. Eli. Penina needs a roast for her rabbi, and if I do it, I don't get to be head of the women's march anymore,

so this one's all you, buddy. Okay, rabbi, bubba la. Your photo looks like you just sat on a kreplach. You look like when rabbi says next year in Israel, he's hoping you weren't listening. You look like you heard insurance sales were hard, so you went with old school wizard demon instead. It's just for the Jews.

They're loving that. All right. Noah, Cecil, we got a special selection for you. Quite a few folks would like cats in their lives roasted. And you know what they say, you can only roast what you love. That's true. I love turkey. Okay.

So let's begin with Aaron's cat. Cecil, this one's for you. Okay. So let's begin with Aaron's cat. Cecil, this one's for you. Okay. So what's hilarious is Aaron has a Siamese cat named Puck. I have a Siamese cat named Puck as well. Siamese owners evidently, we're not very fucking original when it comes to names. Puck, you look like someone just woke you up as you were tongue bashing your fart hole. All right.

Specific. Noah, how about a roast for Amy's cat? Okay. Meowbis. What's with this trying to squirt out the door and making Amy late for fucking work? What are you going to do out there? You're going to audition for The Voice? Trust me.

Meowbis, no other cat wants to fuck you. Okay. You're going to catch a bird. Dude, you're so clumsy. You couldn't catch a bird if you were working fry side at KFC. Go back in, cuddle up, and sleep. All right.

That roast was perfect. Thank you. All right. Cecil, your turn. Is that my turn to do that? Yep. Cecil, Jim's cat Ninja needs a roasting. Great, great.

A black, facialist cat. They all look the same, don't they? Okay, hey Ninja, don't worry. Your vote won't count in Georgia either. All right, and finally, Noah, this one's a big one. Zach gave us $200 to roast his roommate's cat. Okay, I got to admit the last one was tough because Meowbiss was fucking adorable, but this piece of shit cat here, this looks like Steve Buscemi's familiar.

It looks like you can't tell where Keisha ends and the hairball begins until she's done. All right, I'm glad that's the last of my allergies. We're acting up just from the segment alone, so we're going to move on. Hey, Tom, be nice. That's the most pussy he's gotten in months. Okay, I can easily write the setup lines instead of Eli. That's so, like... And that way, actually, I won't have to go back through

and make them readable and correspond to the correct people so it's meaningful what we do for this charity that we're doing. Somehow his cut and paste function adds spelling errors that weren't there. That his cut and paste function adds spelling errors that weren't there. Fucking win-win. Jesus. Heath, nobody sees the spelling errors

but you. They're underlined in red. We all see them. Yeah, you want to throw up Migtorp as a stage direction. And did you Migtorp? I did not. Exactly. I'm not sure if I did moving on sean gave us 200 for us to roast him his girlfriend victoria and their dog henry heath go for it okay well fuck all of you it's a picture of these beautiful people and then a beautiful dog and then the

fucking beautiful people again at versailles together being all goddamn happy and then the fucking beautiful people again at Versailles together being all goddamn happy. And then it says, by the way, Sean has someone to go to Paris with right after that. I'm pretty sure Eli wrote that in. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Fuck you. Maybe I'll just write the stuff from now on. And honestly, they look genuinely happy.

So, I mean, at least we know they're liars. There's that. There's no way two people actually enjoy each other's company like that unless they're hunting human beings and then eating their prey together. There's no other way they're that happy. Also, Sean's face looks like he got conceived when his mom was at a conference for Batman villains. He's like Scarecrow, Penguin, and the Joker

just melted their fucking faces together. All right, Noah, this one is for you. Shelly, give us $250 to roast coach seating, and nobody hates all things airplane more than you, so get after it. Yeah, okay, all right. I think I can do that. A proposition so miserable that people have literally said, nah, I'll just drive through Nebraska rather than suffer through that medieval torture.

Oh, I'm sorry. What's that? Six cheeses and a fucking Dixie cup of flat coke. Is that supposed to make me forget I'm a human Tetris piece of board? The flying. Oh, no. But thanks for the extra leg room upgrade. Now I have a place to put most of my knee.

Fuck you. The air. All right. Cecil, buddy place to put most of my knee. Fuck you, the air. All right, Cecil, buddy. Got another special order for you. Anthony would like you to make fun of left-handed fencers and fencing refs. What is happening? The left-handed ones? What's going on? Some would say those left-handed fencers are sinister. Huh?

Harold Redro, crushing it, guys. You guys didn't get it. Anyway. Hey, fencing refs, how do you like being basically replaced by a machine? I'm talking about your wife, Symbian, by the way. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, Tom, this one's for you. Tim would like a roast of his old CIO.

Okay, that's going to be tough. I don't know much about technology, Tim, but I know this much is true. Your CIO looks like a guy with a flash drive full of child porn, password protected with the phrase password. Seriously, this is what happens when that guy from college who took five and a half years to get a pity degree from a shitty state university that mostly just got tired of his backward baseball cap hat,

turned him out rather than watch its date rape statistics climbs, becomes accidentally employed. But don't worry, because just like in bed, he won't last long here either. Eli, Ccoyote26 would like you to roast people who try to seduce everyone in D&D. And since that's a combination of trying to fuck stuff you shouldn't and D&D, I thought this would be perfect for you.

Okay. See, so you're right, but it stinks. Just so you know. Hey, D&D players who try to seduce everything, sexual roleplay is down the hall and for money. Always aware of that pause while you wait to see if I'm going to recite a Literatica script with you when you roll a d20 on a charisma check. I'm not, champ. I'm not. You're the Dungeons and Dragons equivalent of a guy who writes happy birthday beautiful on a woman he's never met profile picture.

And the only place you belong in D&D is a level one dungeon being beaten by inexperienced players for scrub experience. All right, Tom, got a special request for you to roast somebody named Haley's ex-best friend. Do it like your marriage depends on it. All right, I'm going to give it a whirl. I want to make sure I do it right because I do like having sex with my wife. I'm going to make sure to skip the usual hyperbole now, and I'm only going to say things that I know are true. So Dorian, here are a few things that I know to be true. First, people almost always find and gravitate toward people that are like them. And there's a reason you're surrounded in your

life by uneducated losers, despite having a degree from the Ivy League. And that's because you think that deep down you are a loser too, but that's not true. Dorian, because it's not deep down where you're the loser. You're a loser right on the surface and they can see it and you can too. And it's why you hate yourself because you know that you deserve it. You deserve it all.

You know it. And you're a coward for not at least admitting it and craving for not changing anything to make it better. And your life is a shell game of empty bullshit and put upon mean spirit. It is meant to cover the parts of you that have always hurt and that you won't fix because you're lazy about yourself. This is why in the dark moments of the night when you have nothing in your life but the hollow scorecard of imagined rights and wrongs to fill the vast endless void inside of you you wonder if you will ever be good enough or pretty enough or smart enough and it's because the answer is no you won't you will never be enough you will always feel like this and it will never get better and it

will always be your fault and the loneliness you feel no matter who surrounds you, that is exactly and perfectly what you deserve. Jesus. Hey, fun fact. That is why when Ethan donated for us to roast each other's wives, I deleted his fucking email. Wait, wait, wait. How much did he donate? Not all the money in the world, Heath, so who gives a fuck? Sorry, Ethan.

Get you next year, bud. All right, this one is for all of us. Travi tossed in 500 bones for us to roast his girlfriend's family. I don't know which one this was. It was the fat one. The facial hair perfectly outlines the first of his many chins

it's great he had to choose you can see him having to choose which chin to outline like he's like he's shaving

he's like which which chin does it give it more of a 3D effect if I do the first one or the second one I fucked it up

I gotta switch I gotta push it in now I gotta move can you move him. Can you move him? Who's got gaffer's tape? With some gaffer's tape, I could look like a real boy.

Give me a T-square. Well, no. Keep his cheeks back with the jaws of life just so he can get in there. Mark, buddy, I know guys like you, man. You're a diamond does. And I know you so well.

I'm going to go ahead and describe for you exactly how this all ends to keep you entertained. What you don't understand, what guys like you never understand is that anything that can be bought is always cheap. And so when your fake shitty plastic wife gets

tired of you resting your massive gut on the cellulite of her ass long enough for you to grunt three bored spurts of dead sperm into her, she's taking your shitty ungrateful kids and selling herself to the next sucker dumb enough to put up with her because she, like everyone else, will use you until you're

fat, plump husk and nobody ever loved you. Three spurts? Do you guys have three? All right. I got assigned to Chris here. Chris works from home. You can tell by how kempt he isn't.

He's also the one that takes care of his, their 78 year old father with dementia. So, you know, hard life of cleaning up after a person who shits himself constantly sleeps all the time and can't do anything useful to society. And then when he's done with all that, he still has to take care of a 78 year old with dementia.

All right. I got Tim. Hey, that, he still has to take care of a 78 year old with dementia. All right. I got Tim. Hey, Tim, I was going to roast you. But like the rest of your family, I forgot you. You always complain about having middle child syndrome, but you have middle of nowhere syndrome. But you're the rest stop of humans and you should be grateful that your family ignores you.

That's so mean. All right. I got dad. Dad looks like Walter White. If instead of a drug empire, Breaking Bad was about absolutely nothing. He looks like plain vanilla ice cream fucked to Dodge Stratus.

It's so boring. Missionary style. The ice cream fucked to Stratus, missionary style. I'm already bored just talking about him for like 15 seconds. That was the worst. All right, gentlemen, are you ready for one last? Oh, Cecil, you do care, buddy. Thank you. Merry Christmas, buddy.

I'm right in the feeling spots. No, I still have those. This final round is a big shout out to all the politicians of the midterms who really gave our fundraiser a boost with just how damn roastable they are. So gentlemen, I will deliver the name. You deliver the special sauce. Are you guys ready? Ready to go?

Ready. All right. I don't know what? All right. Big. I don't know what that sound is. Big thanks to Magic Tapeworm, Heather, Deanna, Michael, Kyle, Diana. Again, Deanna, Diana. I don't know. Matthew, William, David, Eric and Joseph. Go after Congressman Jeff Fortenberry.

OK, I'll get this one. Jeff Fortenberry looks like he's going undercover as his grandpa so he can rape people in an old folks home. Jesus. All right, moving away from that quickly. Congressman Mark Green. Okay, Mark Green in Congress is the worst idea since candy cigarettes. All right, he's the asshole who decried welfare because it decreased poor people's reliance on God

and then won because Marsha Blackburn had a vagina. He's also taken a firm stance against evolution, both the theory and the practice, and he looks like if cholesterol had a spokesperson. Alright, Cecil. Congressman Mark Walker. Look, Mark Walker, the only reason you

were calling women eye candy is because they made you stop calling black people cotton candy. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, I'm going to go after Benjamin Nuttenyahoo. I'll go ahead and take this out. Benjamin, very simply, buddy, if all... Jesus Christ. All right, we'll just take that one out.

Tom didn't do one, everybody. Holy fucking shit. Crazy Tom not doing his work, everybody. That one, we're take that one out. Tom didn't do one, everybody. Holy fucking shit. Crazy Tom not doing his work, everybody. That one. We're missing that one. Holy shit. All right. It's just going to be Benjamin, not in Yahoo,

and then just one long beep until it's over. I said if. Guys, guys, guys, you missed a great roast. It's fun, everyone at home. It was fun. All right, Betsy DeVos, Heath. Okay, Betsy DeVos looks like Ann Coulter got put out to stud.

Cecil, Bob Catter. How does it feel to be Queensland's Ahmadinejad? No gay people in Queensland? It's called fucking queensland what the fuck they should have a fucking pilgrimage there for christ's sake all right noah bridgeport connecticut mayor joe gainham oh this is so easy this is the guy who ran for governor

by arguing that he was so damn trustworthy that when he was serving his nine years on 15 felony extortion convictions, they made him a trustee. It says it right there. Trust. Oh, even this guy's hairline doesn't want to be seen with him anymore.

Seriously, it's receding so fast the French military has given it shit. All right, we need one for Greg Abbott. I'll take Greg. Greg Abbott is the governor of Texas. Unironically and on purpose. Greg Abbott should secede. Not Texas, just Greg.

Bye. Go ahead. That's yours now. Alright, Heath. Nigel Farage. Oh, okay. This is fun. Nigel Farage looks like a lung tumor with bad teeth. They're bad. It's like Mr. Bean got all the diseases from smoking at once somehow. Cocks of cigarettes to just have a picture of Nigel Farage on the side as a warning.

And actually, referendum ballots, too, if we're naming stuff that needs a warning in the uk idiots all right and finally eli sarah would like you to roast sarah huckabee sanders as marky mark oh okay here we go um hey fucking sarah huckabee sanders i find you fucking beautiful the way your makeup makes you look like you're covering up spousal abuse gives me a hard-on I could club a Chinese guy unconsciously. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, if you ever come by town, call me

on my strangely old cell phone. I will take you out for salty, lukewarm chowder and I will finger you in the back of my car until I count to 31,000 and then I'll make you give me a handjob till we both give up and agree to get married.

You are a jewel. You are a jewel in America's crown, Sarah. Okay, before we wrap up, we should thank Dave. We should thank Dave and Hunter who redonated, both of whom gave us $1,000. Devin, who gave us $220, along with Sandra, Kevin, and David,

all of whom donated for us to roast whoever we want. So gentlemen, dealer's choice. And by the way, Sandra asked that Heath use at least two puns. Oh, lovely. Okay, anybody I want? Great, I'm going to start with Sandra, who's a reductionist asshole

and wants to define me with fucking puns. It's like my closest friends and coworkers do all the time. It's fucking great. Love putting a whole bunch of effort in my work and then dying a little bit inside on a regular basis. Happens all fucking time. But apparently that's my role.

So here we go. Lovely. I put on my makeup and my soft shoes and do the only thing I'm useful for. Minstrel? More like double chinstrel. I'm fat. First pun. Check.

Nicely done. And now circling back to Betsy DeVos, who is going to be my other target. She looks like a retired horse joined a segregated yacht club. She's C-word biscuit. Two puns. Okay. Okay. I just want to point out Heath took mine. I also wanted to roast biscuit. Two pounds. Okay. Okay. I just want to point out,

Heath took mine. I also wanted to roast Heath. Not fair. And I went through three drafts of this. Three drafts of this that were rejected. So here we go. Saw two of those. Yeah.

I settled on the safe one because you all were going to tweet. Oh, you're such a coward. You thought. What? Nope. Not doing. Unbelievable. You were going to do. Nope, you're such a coward. What? Nope. Not doing. Unbelievable.

You were going to do. Nope. That's fine. Neither of them. We're doing Jersey drivers. Everybody's strapped in. The first two are black people. I love that Eli's going to make fun of someone else's driving.

He lives in Jersey. Yeah. Jersey people drive like this. This is groundbreaking material. Go. Eli comes out. You ever fly in an airplane? The food is terrible.

Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? This is so me. You guys can get the email. It's all in the drafts. You go ahead and use my old stuff. Enjoy it. All my Facebook messages. Eli, I have always considered you to be an ally until today. No.

Jersey drivers. Here we go, everybody. You sure you don't want to do trans people because you have it in there. Didn't have all trans people in there for the record. Just a couple of them. All right. Hey. Hey,

Jeremy drivers. I know you can turn right on red, but I am going straight. Or when I'm second in line, what power do you think I have that your honk might awaken? Oh, that's right.

I can transport me and two other cars through this solid material of this minivan in front of me. Because someone honked at me.0003 seconds after the light turned green. Jersey drivers, what the fuck is your hurry? We live in New Jersey. It's the official state of giving up on your dreams. None of us have anywhere to be ever again.

That's why we live here. Alright, I'm going to go next. I wasn't sure what I wanted to roast, but then I went to the drive-thru, and they gave me the wrong soda, and I remembered how much I fucking hate Dr. Pepper. Getting Dr. Pepper getting Dr. Pepper by accident is like

walking in to tuck in your kid only to find out they had a crib death. It's it's named Dr. Pepper because it tastes like something that was mobbed off of someone else's brow during surgery.

It's some soda. It tastes like someone died a cigarette out in a maraschino cherry. This was hard. I'm so full of indignation. Tastes like someone died a cigarette out in a maraschino cherry. This was hard. I'm so full of indignation. Anyone I want, very hard to choose. Hard to choose.

I'm going to go with what I hate most. Noah! Noah, Noah. You work too hard, buddy. You do. You work too hard and you care too much. You can barely eat or sleep or take care of yourself because you're so foolishly invested in trying to invent in your mind and through your words a world that we don't deserve. A world better than the one that we have. A world where your diatribes aren't needed and where a man can be called a misanthrope because he can't stop seeing the world clearly long enough to not care

and just be selfish. It's all too much, Noah, that none of it for you is a play to the microphone or a hyperbolic comedy act. It's just too much that you really still care this much about right and wrong, even in the face of the dead-eyed cynical pragmatism that the rest of us hope to exploit long enough to get ours, get rich, and get off. You have to stop it, Noah. Sell out at least a little because we can't live up to all this. Oh, and you're skinny, you smell like an ashtray, and you're going to die from tooth decay. Jesus, fuck. Dibs. Dibs.

Dibs. Just for the record, everybody. To be fair, I was already barely eating or sleeping or taking care of myself before I started giving a shit about humanity. All right, so I'm going to use this opportunity quick before the tooth decay gets me. To rose the greatest scores in American culture since reality television, quite possibly the worst human that we have. And I'm talking, of course, about the guy from those fucking Chevy commercials with the clipboard and the beard where the room turns out to be surprisingly deep.

Oh, look, it goes even further. Look, dude, there's deadpan and then there's a clinical absence of personality. And your personality must have been abducted and fucked to death by a deranged Catholic priest in 1998. And your parents didn't have the heart to tell you anything but that it went to live in a farm upstate. Oh, shit. Fuck you and your douchey millennial dad beard. If I ever drive a Chevy, it will be to grind you beneath it.

All right. and that is going to do it for Vulgarity for Charity 2018. Thanks to everybody who told me. Tom, Tom. What, do you have a musical number planned? Another one for musical? No, no. I asked Anna and she used the term literally kill you a lot. So no, I do not have a song

for this, the end of the whole thing. Okay, you're going to invite some more characters on to hurt my feelings? You got my high school girlfriend somewhere to talk about my dick? My parents? Where's my parents? No, no, not that either. Your parents couldn't make it.

I thought I would read an email we got. You just didn't make it. Yeah, I thought we... TikTok. I thought I would read a real email we got during this fundraiser.

Alright, but okay, a little behind the scenes here. Eli has just written, I'm going to read something here in brackets and then he left all the rest of the notes blank. So we have no idea what's coming and we're a little terrified. I'm not even remotely terrified. I'm the editor. I'm the editor on this. I'm the editor.

I'm the editor. I have final control over everything. Less terrified. So this email came from Derek. It came on November 11th and he has given me permission to read it. Dear Scathing Atheist and Cogdiss Crew, Two years ago, my brother lost his job

due to a medical emergency and very quickly my family and I found ourselves on modest needs. We were listed on the website with very little progress for about a month and a half when, overnight, our project was fully funded. I did some digging and some googling, and lo and behold, I found out this group of atheists were in the middle of a charity drive, and my family and I had just gotten lucky. Looking back at the time, I guess I was an atheist, but unwilling to admit it for precisely the reason that I associated atheism with useless online fighting and feeling smug about a fairly unimportant

question. So I started listening to your shows mainly out of curiosity and discovered a whole world. I never knew existed an online family, new friends. And at the core of it, a group of people who had saved my family. I don't have much to give this year. Things still aren't great

but they're better because of you. Because of the good you and your listeners do. So thank you. Thank you and your listeners. Glory Hole motherfuckers. I love that even on a note like that it ends with Glory Hole motherfuckers. Right?

Perfectly encapsulates what we do. See you next year, everybody. Yeah. Thanks for joining us, guys. Thanks for having us. Or no. Join us. Yeah, this is our show.

I don't know what's happening. We're all one show now. Is this the time you don't know what's happening, Tom? We're all on Cognitive. I was here for it. We're united. I'm so happy.

So I want to thank the guys from Scathing Atheist, Skeptocrat, Godawful Movies, and Citation Needed for joining us today. Noah, Heath, and Eli for coming on the show, helping raise, you know, they did, there was a lion's share of the work that was done by Eli this time. Tons of work that was done by him

in order to process everything, to get everything put together. But we wound up raising a ton of money, over $100,000 for Modest Needs. We couldn't be prouder to work with them. And we're so happy. We can't wait for next year. We're super excited. We have plans for next year to make it even better. So pay attention next year.

Save up your pennies until November because we are going to have another one of these next year for Shiz. And we are going to be super excited about it. We want to thank them for coming on though. And we want to thank everybody who donated to Modest Needs for Vulgarity Charity for making it the very best and biggest vulgarity for charity yet.

That is going to wrap it up for this week. Next week, we're going to have a long-form show that's coming out. It's going to be on social media. Check that one out. It's a little different than what we do. We're not covering a bunch of stories, so check it out.

It's going to be releasing next week. Then we'll have a brand new show coming out the following week when we're actually recording on a regular schedule in a near to the news date sort of schedule. That's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

on bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram

pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces

cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death in towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls Bigfoot, yeti, aliens

Churches, mosques, and synagogues Temples, dragons, giant worms Atlantis, dolphins, truthers Birthers, witches, wizards Vaccine nuts Shaman healers, evangelists Conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata Nonsense

Expose your sides Thrust your hands conspiracy, double-speak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors damages or butthurt arising from consumption all information

is provided on an as-is basis no refunds produced in association with the local We'll see you next time.