Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 450: Toaster Shakins 2018

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

Show Excerpts Jan. 8, 2018 Jan. 15, 2018 March 5, 2018 April 9, 2018 April 23, 2018 May 14, 2018 May 28, 2018 July 22, 2018 Sept. 6, 2018 Oct, 1, 2018

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Hey everyone, welcome to this special episode of Cognitive Dissonance, Toaster Shaken's 2018. The best and worst of the show over the past year. The guys are taking the week off, but they threw this episode together. Yeah, Ian threw this episode together for you. We hope you enjoy it. Sorry, Ian. Oh, thanks. I worked hard on this. So let's get started. This clip comes from episode 395,

Science Fair Volcano Lair, published on January 8th. All right, this story is from the Friendly Atheist blog. I love this. Rapper B.O.B. Bob Bob. Bill Nye needs to read more books to understand the flair. So, like, I kind of love this

because for a little while, there was a feud between rapper Bob and Neil deGrasse Tyson. And then Neil deGrasse Tyson's like uncle or cousin or fucking whatever. Yeah. Somebody made like made an, like an opposing rap video. They had like the rap wars and there was spaghetti on their sweaters already

or something. I don't know exactly what happened to it, but now Bill Nye is getting in like his rapper. Bob kind of called him out and Bill Nye's like, look, you can come to fucking science center world or wherever he lives.ye's like, look, you can come to fucking Science Center World or wherever he lives. He's like, yeah, come to Science Mountain.

It's like the Justice Science League of America will fight you. Yeah, no, he's like, like Bill Nye is like, he's like, you know how there's evil scientists? Like Bill Nye's the good scientist. And he lives in a volcano there dedicated to science somewhere. But it's a

science fair volcano layer so it's like made of paper mache and baking soda just explodes and it's very nice and it's very environmentally friendly. When it explodes it like gently cleans your carpet like it's like

little Roombas scrub the mountain it's very nice. It's very nice. It's very peaceful at science center. Like, it's like Bill Nye's like, come to science spectacular or wherever I live. Come to my satellite where I live. That's what he says though.

He's like, beam down my information to the humans. He's like, I can show you how science works more good. Yeah. I can show you, I could, he's like, we could look you how science works more good. Yeah, I can show you. He's like, we could literally look from a satellite. Like we can turn a satellite on and be like,

and there'll be a camera that goes, and it takes a picture of the world and you can see it. And this guy's like, hey man, you're Bayfay with me. It's what the guy who wrote this book. Isn't that the equivalent to I'm just asking questions though? Isn't that that college equivalent? It's like I stated a thing. I said

a thing and I'm so I'm such a weasel that I can't stand behind what I said. Go fight the guy who wrote it. I'm just repeating what I wrote. I'm just a parrot. I'm just a parrot for bullshit. And it's like, yeah repeating what I wrote. Yeah, I'm just a parent. Yeah. I'm just a parent for bullshit. And it's like, yeah, but you're a slightly,

I don't know, rapper Bob, if he's a cool- Sure, I don't know me either. Rapper these days. I haven't asked the kids what they think of rapper Bob. I come up, I hike my pants up to my nipples. I'm like, hey, kids. Right, I'm just like- What are you kids kidding about today? I was doing an arm swinging thing.

I got my white pants all the way up and my fucking cloth belt my tie's way too short still still so I have no idea like how influential rapper fucking Bob is I don't know him either but he's clearly at least

somewhat influential at least according to the article right so it's like you can't lend your fucking voice to this bullshit and then back away from this bullshit. The guy that he quotes said Hitler was misunderstood and was actually a peaceful guy. Here's a hundred proofs that the Earth is not a globe.

Oh, for fuck's sake. And so I found a couple of these. Oh, for fuck's sake. So whenever experiments have been tried on the surface of standing water, the surface has always been found to be level. If the earth were a globe, the surface of all standing water would be convex. This is an experimental proof that the earth is not a globe.

Come the fuck on. Did you see the, I don't know like how much of this stuff is just people bullshitting. Do you know what I mean? Sure. How many of these people really believe this shit, right? But I watched a video on Facebook or something where some flat earth idiot was like, this is why he takes a lemon and he pours water on it.

I saw that. He's kidding. He's got to be kidding. He has to be. Because he pours water on it. He says, see, there's nothing on this lemon. There's no water. And then he pours it in a plate.

See, there's water in this plate. And this is why there's standing water when it rains and you're like and it's like okay uh like dimensions matter like if you had one cloud that was as big as like a massive chunk of yeah then that would be and it all rained at once. Yeah. Hey, we got some problems here. But that's not at all how ratios and sizes work. Yeah. Whatsoever. So I want to address the very first claim. Okay.

The Earth is not a globe. So it just got me to thinking about what the word globe means. So I Googled the definition of globe noun the earth the earth is not the earth i think i think you've just proven it with all those were done in like the 1800s right before we had a thing that flew into space and flew i just looked at it flew around and we have, you know, how many satellites orbit our earth? Like how hard is it? How hard is it as a flat earther,

you know, as, as, as a person who knows about the universe, right. As somebody who's like, all the astronomers have to be in on it. All the, all the people who send up satellites, all the tech people who are involved in all that work, all the people doing the SpaceX program right now, all these people all have to be in on this joke, like this big, crazy, practical joke. When all you need is just one picture from a fucking satellite, one picture, not even from a thing that leaves Earth. If you look at that fucking guy, the Red Bull guy. He looks like Baumgartner, right? Fucking Red Bull guy. You look at the Earth and you're just like, that's a little marble down there.

Right? Yeah. To defy all of the evidence. It's just a crazy person thing to think. I love this video. I got to tell you, the Felix Baumgartner video where he jumps, it is one of my very favorite things. I've watched it a hundred times. It's so funny because when you look at it and you're just like looking at it, you're like, that's a fucking globe.

Like it's a globe. Like look behind the guy. It's a globe. They're not superimposing that. Do you remember you and I have gone up to Michigan a number of times? Yeah. And we sat and looked at the stars where you can actually see them really good. And we've seen satellites. And you can watch them trace their way across the sky.

And then you can wait a while. And we've both done this then you can wait a while. And we've both done this. You can wait a while. And they will reappear at the place that you saw it on one edge of the sky. And it'll come back. What do they think is happening? Is it going around the dish? I don't understand.

And I don't understand. Like, what's underneath the other side? Is it like just a flat? Does it just say China made in Pakistan or something underneath there? This bit is from episode 396, Reverse Nazi, that released on January 15th.

This is amazing. This is amazing because the world has gotten so insane that this is a possibility. He's from Gizmodo. We regret to inform you that Donald Trump's gorilla channel is totally fake. So this is basically like a Twitter prank that kind of took on a life of its own. And the nuts and bolts of the Twitter prank, actually, do you mind if I read part of it? No, go ahead. Actually, read the whole thing. It's hilarious. This is pretty great. So this is the joke. This is purported to show an excerpt from Fire and Fury. This is not real,

right? And this was tweeted out. And this was the purported made up excerpt. On his first night in the White House, President Trump complained that the TV in his bedroom was broken because it didn't have the Gorilla channel. Trump seemed to be under the impression that a TV channel existed that screened nothing but gorilla-based content 24 hours a day. That's the best. To appease Trump, White House staff compiled a number of gorilla documentaries into a makeshift gorilla channel. That's amazing.

It's so awesome. Broadcasted at Trump's bedroom from a hastily constructed transmission tower on the south lawn. I'm sure that's exactly what happened. Right. However, Trump was unhappy with the channel they had created, moaning that it was boring because, quote, the gorillas aren't fighting. This is so

awesome. What a great prank. Steph edited out all the parts of the documentary where gorillas weren't hitting on each other. Hey now. I got a red ass. My aunt Hill are yours. Weren't hitting each other. And at last,

the president was satisfied. Quote, on some days, he'll watch the gorilla channel for 17 hours straight, an insider told me. He kneels in front of the TV with his face about four inches from the screen and says encouraging things to the gorillas like, boy, you heard that other gorilla was good. I think he thinks the gorillas

can hear him. Supposed to be an excerpt from the book, right? And so it goes out and a bunch of people retweet it and like put stuff up and one person who they said, no, it's a fucking joke who had retweeted.

It said people shouldn't tweet out jokes like this because they're too often stripped of context and spread fake news. You read that and thought that was fucking real. Are you serious? 17 hours. You read that and you thought, yeah that sounds fucking plausible i love that the part that you seized on as implausible wasn't that he would watch a gorilla channel but the length of time he might get to 17 hours in that tom if you get to 17 hours and you still think it's real i know and you still think it's real you know you know the part that like the part that it's also like so obviously untrue is the transmission tower like you don't know what you get everything from fucking cave

like they just put it on a fucking hard drive on your hard drive and then just run it from your yeah they just play it like over and over and over again like i object to the technology there's so many things but if you get to 17 hours and you're like, no, this is still true. You're an idiot. I know. You're a fucking idiot. He doesn't have a fucking gorilla channel. Now, he's got a poor person snuff channel. Definitely has one of those.

But he doesn't have a gorilla channel. Well, what he calls poor people is gorillas. So actually, maybe this is truer. Can you get a couple of those shithole people to kill each other? Give them all a knife. Put them in an arena. Make them fight. See who comes out.

He doesn't have a gorilla channel, but he has an entire kitchen dedicating to make chocolate cake. Like the entire kitchen. That's all they do is make cake after cake that he can jam into his maw. I get seven pieces. You get nothing. You can watch me eat it. It's a privilege for you to watch me eat. It's amazing that someone can read this.

It's like your friend telling you, you know, I banged this girl. You wouldn't know her. She's not from around here. She's from Canada. I totally put it in her butt. I had an anal threesome with two supermodels

from Canada. It was pretty amazing. We drove her Lamborghini. She had to sell it, so she doesn't actually have it now. Yeah, I took the video, but it didn't come out. Anyway, no big deal. Anyway, don't ask for a lot of details.

I'm the heir to the budding fortune. Here's a clip from episode 403 corner which it was published on march 5th i want to preface the story was saying this story is just a series of allegations right nothing has been proven absolutely but they are hilarious allegations and we are covering them not because of anything other than it is hilarious yeah exactly and it is alex jones and i'm going to be perfectly honest i sort of hope these things this is a terrible thing to say i sort of hope these things are true so that alex jones gets burned by right like i don't want them to be true in the sense that i don't want somebody to be like to be a

bully or harassed so please don't misunderstand that that. I want them to be true in this sort of generalized, abstract way that I want Alex Jones to suffer poor outcomes, right? Although I don't know, man, because then what would happen if there's no more InfoWars? What if they shut down his garage?

Somebody's going to take over the mantle of his garage. The next person buys it and they blow the dust off it. Somebody else has one of his clickers. He just opens the door. My green screen is moving. Great. The roller goes up.

It's like fucking National Treasure. Somebody finds InfoWars. Somebody slides down the pole into the center of InfoWars. Somebody slides down the pole into the center of InfoWars. I had to read the teleprompter with these seer stones. I read the teleprompter with my face in this hat.

That's what I do. Alright, so we're going to read this piece from the Daily Mail. The nice thing is I'll only have to read the headline. Yeah. And then the 43 sub headlines underneath it. Exactly. Exclusive.

Not actually exclusive because you read this now at the Daily Beast as well as Daily Mail. As long as it's daily. They did all link back to this, though. So the Daily Mail, they broke the story. They broke the story. The hard-hitting journalists over at the Daily Mail broke this story. The hard-hitting journalists over at the Daily Mail broke this story. Fired InfoWars staffers at war

with Alex Jones. One claiming he was teased as the site's quote, resident Jew. You need one? Why is that? I don't get it. He's a token Jew. It's a resident Jew. At least he gets to pay the resident rates and not the non-resident.

That's like 40%. He just has to wear the star on his clothes. There were a lot of residents at DeKalb. It was a residential program. It was like a ghettoization program. Hey, guess where you're a resident of now? Oh, no. That's all right.

This guy over here with the SS. Free showers. God. Oh, no. That's all right. This guy over here with the SS, he's your RA. Three showers. Fuck. Resident Jew. Well, African-American worker says she was, quote, mocked for her skin tone. Why else would she be mocked? I mean, come on. It said African-American.

African-American, she's going to be mocked for something. What could it be? What could it possibly be? And Jones grabbed her behind. Oh, nice. So two former InfoWars staffers have filed complaints to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission against the site's founder, Alex Jones. Rob Jacobson, who's Jewish, alleges Jones bullied, ridiculed, and humiliated. Rob Jacobson, a Jew. Well, maybe if you want to let everybody know that he was a jew jesus ira irison

jones joked with staff who called jacobson the jewish individual wait why is that the jewish individual isn't ben affleck in that hold on a minute he already controls the media so you wonder like fine after he's fired. Yeah. What do they do? Yeah. I mean, didn't this guy hire Alex Jones?

You think you just call all of his evil jukeball? Exactly. He just called Weinstein on the phone. Did Alex Jones have to sleep with Weinstein? He didn't have to. It was strange how much he volunteered for that. They both had their shirts off he showed up with a casting couch and a U-Haul

outside like I think that when you say the Jewish individual it's like specifically mispronouncing somebody you know what I mean you're just being a dick for no reason I guess why refer to their Judaism unless you were like hey it's fucking Hanukkah

let's ask theish individual what he thinks about shutting down okay that's fair in context maybe it'll work tom right sure or like but if that's how that was his name that's a bad thing it turns out like i can see like if it was like hey we all went out to lunch and somebody didn't put in their fair share, it was probably the Jewish individual. That would be a way where that would not be okay, for example. And Eli's like, I just ordered a potato lachi. I wasn't going to pay as much as you guys.

We're going splitsies! We're going splitsies! They also refer to him as the resident Jew. This is my favorite time. They shouted his name's Jacobson. They shouted Jacobson across They shouted Jacobson across the office.

Maybe they just had like a speech impediment. Maybe. No, that's fine. No, yeah. Let's give everybody on his staff the benefit of the doubt.

Jacobson also claimed that Jones called him Beefcake, a homophobic slur. Called him Beefcake? I feel like if somebody called me Beefcake, I would just say thank you.

I'd just own it. Right? I'd be like, hey, Beefcake, what's up? Taking my shirt off, wearing I would just say thank you. I'd just own it. Right? I'd be like, hey, beefcake. I'd be like, what's up? Taking my shirt off, wearing this bow tie. That's what I was going to say. That's when the next day you show up to work, you got like a leopard thong and a bow tie.

You're just like, ah, and beefcake. I got a bow on with leopard print tight pants. Breakaway pants. Let me tell you something. There is nothing more vomit inducing than thinking of me inakaway pants. Let me tell you something. There is nothing more vomit-inducing than thinking of me in leopard-type pants. Everybody just lost their lunch. Oh, my God.

Nothing more vomit-inducing. We're still reading subheadings. It's just a little less than me taking my shirt off. Don't talk like that. You're leaving your shirt on. Yeah, I know. I leave it on all the time. I shower with it.

Are you kidding me? It's a requirement for us to record the show that you wear two shirts at all times. Just in case. Yeah, I know. I leave it on all the time. I shower with it. Are you kidding me? It's a requirement for us to record the show that you wear two shirts at all times. Yeah, just in case. It's a minimum. Yeah, in case one of them blows off or something. Yeah, God, it's disgusting. A second ex-employee claims she suffered, quote, harassment and discrimination at the hands of Jones and other senior managers at InfoWars based on her race. Former production assistant Ashley Beckford says she was subjected to sexual

harassment, racial slurs by her colleagues, and upper management. Jesus! They didn't stop at the lower management. That's where it gets like middle management. You're like, alright, fine. You can grab a titty. You're middle management. You have a shit life. You're in middle management. Just here. I'll put it in your hand. It's fine.

It's not even weird. It's just don't rub the nipple too hard. She claims Jones... Okay, it's not even weird it's just just don't rub the nipple too hard she claims Jones okay it's a little it's a little weird that's a little weird uh she claims Jones groped her quote butt yeah end quote why is butting quote no it's but something we need to not believe oh it was that your butt yeah like, it's where my legs meet my back. Everybody's got it. That's like, I got a cleaver in the, I don't know, what the fuck? She claims Jones grabbed her butt during a side hug. A quote, side hug.

I love side hug. I love the idea that Jones is walking up to people, giving them side hugs. I just think that's the best. I think that is genuinely the best. And then it says, pretending to feel sympathy. They gave him a side hug while pretending to feel sympathy over an incident

and asked, who wouldn't want to have a black woman? I don't know if that's true, Tom. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if it's true. But it's all hilarious. It's very funny.

I like the idea that Alex Jones is giving. I just see him crushing people in the side hug. I'm like, side i broke another one they just drop lifeless to the ground all these people stuffed in his armpit all screaming from inside they're like the souls and just getting around a cavern underground oh there's some there's some great lines in here too it says in a series of allegations beckford who is an african-american says she was mocked for her skin tone called

coon by a senior manager when did he go back in time to get that insult right who uses that last time you heard that i i've only ever read that. Yeah, right? In old-timey books. Exactly. Called Racial Slurs from the Nether Times. Are you kidding me? Also called Mark Twain. I know, right?

They actually had this sail down the river experience that they did as part of a team-building exercise. They had to paint a fence. Their guide is Jim. Blank Jim. Oh my God. The lady added, Alex often spent his time shirtless and endlessly leering

with or without a shirt at female guests and employees while creating a disgusting, hostile environment. Any environment that Alex Jones enters into is a disgusting, hostile environment. I love the idea. He's just walking around work, lounging around with his shirt off. Just glaring. My chest is business casual. Oh,aring. My chest is business casual.

Oh, man. My shirt is chafing me. He's got like a tie shaped into his hair in the front. Now my pants are chafing me too. My pubic hair is chafing me. Would you please bring me

a hot cup of sex? Is there any way you could wax me? bring me a hot cup of sex. Is there any way you could wax me? This also kind of cracks me up. It says, Beckford also claims she was intimidated by the constant display of guns

in the Infowars office. Oh, I wonder why that would be intimidating. Look, unless you're a gun shop. You know what they should have done is put one of those little stickers on the door. That would work. You can't bring a gun into Alex's garage. It might be his basement.

That is true. Yeah. This is just, it's so funny. And the thing is, like you're saying, you know, I'm not laughing at these people. If it did happen to these people, I think it's bad to be in this situation. I just think, I do think it's funny that it's Alex Jones.

It's almost like, you know, there's moments where you're just like, you knew where you were working, right? Like, you know, like you're gonna, of course you're gonna run into guns there. You know what I mean? Now the shirtless thing, I gotta admit, nobody should expect that.

Nobody should expect that. Nobody, unless you're working at a strip club or like a topless there. You know what I mean? Now the shirtless thing, I gotta admit, nobody should expect that. Nobody should expect that. Unless you're working at a strip club or like a topless bar. He takes his shirt off all the time. It's like not expecting. It's like working for Putin and expecting him to wear a shirt. Like, if you work for Vladimir Putin and he fucking comes to work naked riding a polar bear, you're like,

oh, it's Tuesday. That's it. That's how he came to work. This is Alex Jones. Have you ever seen the show? Do you think he's well? This is the job you applied for? I don't think he's well. He's not well.

I don't think he's well. He's a weird wackadoo dude. I think he's swell. But I don't think he's well. This one is from episode 408, Yakov the Ant. It released on April 8th. This is fucking amazing.

This is from the Joe My God blog. Right wing pastor. I squished an ant and then I raised it from the dead and then it looked at me. All right. So this is the clip. It's Frank Almeida

and he's on some program. And this is the guy who claims he got rid of that tsunami. Yeah, he's the one who prayed away the tsunami. But he really prayed away. He just redirected it to hit a different island or whatever. Hey, kill some strangers. I know some folks over here. All right, so this is him.

Go do the baptism. Sure. We were waiting to go join the crowd and do the baptisms. And he said, well, pick me up in about 45 minutes. So I ran out on my balcony, had my gym shorts on. It's a little chilly, but in the sun at the Dan Hotel, I'm out there like this. I put my head back and I'm meditating and saying, Lord, you're going to do something awesome for these people getting baptized. I want it to be the most awesome experience of their life. When they come up out of that water, I want the dove of the Holy Spirit to rest upon them.

And that's how I'm praying. Very, very religious. You know, when you try to be really religious and it's like... It's like that. That's what I was doing. He was mocking his own shit. Oh, his own life. Blah, blah, blah, God. He's like got his head back

and he's like... Fucking amazeballs. Holy shit. And all of a sudden, I feel this sting on my leg fucking amazeballs. Holy shit. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. And all of a sudden, I feel this sting on my leg and, you know, when you're stung and there's an insect, you do something involuntary. You don't think about it. So I went like this.

You hit yourself? That's not involuntary. Like, I want to kill whatever stung me. Like, I'm good with that. Yeah, I like that he's like, oh, it's just, I wasn't thinking about it. I have never regretted killing anything that bites me or stings me.

Like, fuck you! I killed people's toddlers when they bit me. Are you kidding me? And I looked to see what it was and I saw this ant fall down onto a towel that I had put on the balcony so that my feet wouldn't get bit from ants on the balcony. Well, great job!

The ant was like, fuck, I can't get across that. It's not a picnic blanket. I can't make my way over it. I'll sell you this towel. It keeps ants away. Put it next to the stone. It keeps tigers away. Where is he then? It's just covered in biting ants.

He's like, yeah, I'll just put this cloth on the ground. There's no way an ant can traverse it. It'd be impossible for the ant to get across this. I put it down because ants, there's no way they could actually grip cloth. They sit on it like ice. They can't move. They're just spinning their little arms around.

They fall over on their back. They're just like turtles. Ah, fuck. I am perplexed by your cloth. Balcony. Well, this was a smart ant. It was a Jewish ant. I named him Yaakov. Yaakov crawled up my leg and I

whacked him and he was laying there and he was squirming a little bit. So half out of compassion, half out of vengeance, I took this big thumb, and I went like this. As opposed to your little thumb. This here is my little thumb. This here is my big thumb. I use the big one for ant squishings. I use the little one to stick up a choir boy's ass

He gives some weird extraneous Details when he tells the story He goes out of his way to name The ant before he kills it That's a little weird dude I gave it a social security number On a birthday I called him Yakov and I figured his favorite color was purple. And I heard him squish.

I felt it crack under my thumb, and a piece of it, it was two pieces. I went like this and flicked it, and it went down on the towel. So, you know, case settled. Assignment over., back like this. And all of a sudden the Holy Spirit speaks to me so clearly. It was, it was as clear as I've ever heard. And it wasn't the voice of the Holy Spirit, another theological lesson for another time. It was the voice of the Father. The Father calls me son. And the Father said, son, look at the ant.

I looked down at the ant. And as I did, I saw another ant come up over the side of the towel. And it began charging directly at this ant. I was like, come at me, bro. What? The ant runs after him like, come at me, bro! What? They had runs after, like, oh, fuck you! I told you after you slept with my wife, you'd get yours, you motherfucker!

They ran across. Yakov! No! No! No! Why? Why? It just runs up to the guy. This is mad.

It was an ant on assignment. He was moving fast. They're all on assignment. They're ants. Like that's their thing. That's like their actual thing. It's on assignment. It's unfolding. It's unfolding

its tiny little orders. Is this the first time he's ever seen an ant? He seems fascinated by these things. What is it the queen wants me to do? I have orders from the queen. He swallows his tiny orders. You'll never find him, you son of a bitch. Before he squished this one, it took a cyanide pill.

He went to this one and he began to pull on it and tug on it. And it wasn't moving. And then the Lord... Because I cut it in half with my enormous thumbs. You crushed the life out of it. That's how that works. He said to me, son, I hear the cry of an ant.

Oh my god! But you don't hear the... Think of all the other cries that your crazy god, you believe it, did not hear. Think about all the cries. Yeah, exactly. Like, at every moment, there's... There are like thousands of kids fucking mining cobalt right now.

There are like fucking human beings being sex trafficked all across the globe. People are starving. There's kids that have fucking eye parasites. And then it's just like, well, but I've got all these ants. What about Yakov, guys? How do you want me to prioritize this?

Oh my God. Do you understand what happened in that moment? It was that I've always known God to be almighty. We worship him as sovereign. He's the creator. And we've preached. I hear what a sparrow falls. I know the number of hairs on your head.

I know the thoughts of your heart before you say them. I know that when your stomach is empty, most of the time I don't care. I know when you're sleeping and I know when you're awake. And I know when you have childhood cancer. I don't care. Give a shit. I created you in the womb, but when the Lord Almighty, God, the Father speaks to you in Israel and says, I heard the cry of that ant.

I began to weep inside of me. I don't know if I was weeping for the ant, weeping for myself. I just began to weep. I broke. And then the Lord said, son, take your finger and touch the ant. I went like this, judge. And I got about this far from the ant. The power of God shot out the ant that was running around. That lady just sighed. That lady just sighed. That lady's just like... The ant that was running around the other ant, he just flew.

The power hit him and he went like this. I don't know where he... He died. He got fucking killed. He got killed. Hey, you want to save an ant, you got to kill a few ants. Kill another ant. Kill his best friend. But he was gone. He was airborne.

Yeah, fuck him. He didn't even have a name, that motherfucker. I didn't bother to name him. Whatever. This is flying ants. There's somebody on the ground. It's like, what is happening up there? Is somebody popping ants like popcorn?, what is happening up there? Is somebody popping ants

like popcorn? What is going on up there? I gotta get a better hotel that's not covered in ants too, by the way. And the other ant, it came alive. Wait, like which half? Which half?

Which crushed half came alive? Pieces all were together. Oh, my God. Pieces all were together. Oh, okay. Oh, like magnets. Like Freddy in that one movie. And it jumped up on my finger. They don't jump. Who's ever seen an ant jump in all the history?

That's how it got on the towel. Those are those famous jumping ants. Well, it's Mexican. it's a Mexican jumping ant it's just sitting there and he touches it it's like the Terminator and Terminator 2 it's like all like clumping back together it's all mercurized

came up very slowly my palm and then it high-fived me I hope it stung him again stopped please say it's stuck stopped right there as if it was looking right at me and then i squished it oh my god this story is fucking amazing god you know what's amazing about that story tom is that there's two adults who wrapped attention listening to it. And that's not us. No.

There's two adults in that room listening to that story. And they're just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, no, yeah. God pieced an ant back together. Yeah, God reforms ants when you break them. That kid in Cambodia that stepped on a landmine is fucked. But, you know, let's put that stinging ant back together. Did that ant have Amazon purchase protection on it?

Here's another clip. It's from episode 410, Sadness Correspondent, published on April 23rd. This story is everything to me right now. This story is from Right Wing Watch. It's Alex Jones. Alex Jones claims attractive women tried to date him in high school to convert him to Satanism.

This story is everything. I saw this this week, and I was like, I was so fucking erect. I could not. I was like, this is beautiful. All right. So this islex from his show info wars you know when i was growing up in rockwall texas at that time the richest county in texas a bedroom community of dallas and every time i thought some hot 17 year old when I was like 13 or 14 really wanted to date me. Oh,

so much already. 16 seconds. 16 seconds. Is he really, is he really telling us Tom stories about his middle school dating life and how awesome it was. The idea that he's going to be telling us this one time at camp, I banged a girlfriend like Niagara falls is the very best. Cause that's what it is.

It's a Niagara Falls story. I know, but it's a band camp story. But it's even better because like, he even paints himself in a shitty light. He's like, look, man, these girls wanted to date me. I don't know why they wanted to do that either. Like, he also can't figure it out.

He made up a story that is improbable and he basically highlights is improbable. And he basically highlights the improbability of attractive women wanting to date him. And ascribing supernatural influences as the only thing that could account for this bizarre phenomenon. How weird would it be if you sat down and talked to somebody and they were like, Let me tell you about this time in high school where I was really cool. You just be like, I gotta go.

Dude. I sat in on a meeting. I sat in on a meeting with a guy who's gotta be late fifties, early sixties. Right. And I look over and he's got his high school class ring. Okay. And I was like, oh, did you throw the big football catch thing or whatever? Like, are you a some kind of...

Justin's talked him into a ring. It was a high school class ring. That is a man nearing retirement age. And he's like, you know, when I woke up this morning and I put this suit on. Chose this ring. This is the ring. This is the one. He doesn't have his wedding ring on.

He didn't. He didn't have a wedding ring on. Probably because his fucking 17-year-old girlfriend from back in the day. You know, I once dated a girl with a vagina. I mean, I never saw it, but she said she had one. I just, her hair was long. And I'd drive out to some big old mansion of theirs. And I mean, real mansions, helicopter pads, private landing fields, you name it.

He would drive out when he was 13 or 14. How are you driving out there? What are you taking your scooter? would drive out when he was 13 or 14? How are you driving out there? What are you taking your scooter? Alex Jones has like those knickers on, those onesie knickers.

And his little shoes and he's pushing it down the road. That's amazeballs. At the third or fourth time I'd been with him, they'd tell me, by the way, we worship this God and we want you to come to this event we want you to engage in this activity because lucifer's really god wait what did this happen to him

he'll not admit it it's this is amazing because he said every time as if this was like a common constantly we're like all the 17 year old girls like, 16, like, 15, they have their quinceanera, and then, like, 17, they have their, like, lucifernera or some shit. What the fuck? Oh, you got Beelzebub. Oh, whatever. Happens to all the girls around here. I love the idea that they'll be, like, like, after the fourth meeting, they're like, you're cool enough to tell you about the lucifer thing.

Like, what is it? How does that work? Like, because I'm not a fucking 13-year-old boy anymore. Like, are you fucking by the third date? I don't know. I don't know. I think,

I don't think so. I think maybe you're, you've tweaked a boobie. All right. Okay. Third date? So, so,

so, so the 17-year-old's like, all right. Third date, you've moved past the cheek and you're kissing a little tongue and you've tweaked a boobie. All right.

So you're, we've got the headlights on. All the 13-year-olds now, they're on Tinder. And you know, I told people those stories when I first got on air 20 years ago

and they were like, bullshit. Really? They're like, do you know that you sound really pathetic? Did this really happen to you? Here's the thing.

Even if it were true, think about how pathetic this makes it. I know, God. You're still talking about it years and years if this were true this should be your secret secret shame make this your secret shame and kind of sound a little bit hokey but but but now you see it all with the mainstream media

and there's a spiritual component to this it's not a power trip they knew interdimensionally dimensionally. You know, I don't like a superficial girl that only thinks about things one dimensionally. I like him to think outside of the Schrodinger's cube. I only... I like a good interdimensional thought.

They were really thinking interdimensionally about that one oh fuck that's impressively impossible doesn't because believe me they weren't trying to get the average person to go do that everybody thought like why are you dating the head cheerleader the head senior when you're a freshman in high school is there a head senior there's a head senior does that senior give head he's clearly dating the valedictorian cheerleader tom oh yeah come on now like like i like did they name that like oh you're the head senior so there's a lot of responsibility that comes with

this position you have to you have to become satanic and date 13 year old boys here's a garden host here's a golf ball well you know, she was driving me out there in her $100,000 Mercedes and that was 30-something years ago. I thought you were driving. This story is getting more complicated

as we go along. I don't understand this story at all. So, you know, Judge Judy says, if you tell the truth, you don't have to live a long memory.

And I think right now you're already messing up your own story. And again, I just want to point out again, like, he's saying, like, when I told this story, people were like, why did this happen to you? They're like looking at him like, wait a minute. Wait, can we rewind to the part where a hot chick wanted to see you? You're like a box with a head.

You're like one of those clothing boxes. They drop clothes it's like a wardrobe box a pumpkin someone said on top of it driving me out there in her her hundred thousand dollar mercedes that'd be a three hundred thousand dollar maybach today to try to why did it change brands i don't know i don't know it just okay get me into the cult and then i was about 16 and got taken by a girl out to the lake and this big vineyard it was way out in Hunt way out outside Dallas

and I saw these police cars pulling up people getting out and saying we're gonna have a bonfire Alex don't be scared and started to see it why would you be why would they say that

why would they say we're gonna have a bonfire don't be scared maybe he's 16 and afraid of fire was he Frankenstein monster that's the weirdest thing

anybody's ever said in a sentence to anyone. So a 16-year-old girl drives him, so we don't know how... No, he's 16. So how old are the girls now? Are they still 17? No, he's 16. I guess they're probably a little older at this point.

So are they still... They're 19. Okay. And they're still driving him places? I guess so at 16. Man,'re still driving him places. I guess so. At 16, man, he's fucking killing it. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Uber back then was killer. So she's driving them out to the lake, which is also a vineyard. And then the police show up. We have a scary bonfire. We have a scary bonfire. Yep.

Okay. People putting black hoods on. These weren't KKK hoods. These were black hoods. And I remember. They weren't, they weren't like, they weren't the good kind of hood. They were black hoods. And I remember- They weren't the good kind of hood.

They were black hoods. Jesus, they were blackheads. Saying, oh my God. She's like, don't be scared. And I said, I'm not scared. I'm not part of this. And walking back on the road at about five miles later, didn't have cell phones back then. I had like 10 miles to walk back. Police came and got me and said, boy, you've been drinking. We're taking you to jail. And then my family lawyer called my dad and they said, Dr. Jones, you need to leave Dallas or your son's going to be found dead hanging in a jail cell. Yeah, none of that happened. Because lawyers, what they do is warn you that, you know, because what are you, a mob boss? Like, are you kidding me?

Like, I'm not like, have you ever had a conversation? Lawyers are the most boring people in the universe. No lawyer has ever said that to anyone in the world. No. Also, like if the police are in a place where they're murdering people, then why would they not just murder people? Like, I am always amused when it's like, well, you know, if I didn't leave, these murderers would have murdered me.

Murderers would just murder you. They don't give you a. They don't wait until the police give them an okay. Okay. Is it okay to murder? I'm a murderer. And as a murder, but I am. Is it the purge day yet?

I'm punctual. I only murdered three. I want to do it on the purge day. And you know, like the best part about the story is how many different lies he has to tell while he's telling the story to get his point across i and i still i'm not sure quite sure what the point is but what do you think any part of this is true like has he ever been to a lake for example you know he has he ever spoken to a lawyer like i'm doubting the veracity i'm gonna say he's spoken to lawyers now later the last laugh happened with the sheriff and others got busted for narcotics.

And Texas Monthly had a story about it and didn't believe me and actually went back and asked people. And they said, no, that actually went on. Now, look how crazy that was 30 plus years ago. I'm 44. So I was about 13, 14 when all that started. And look what we've done against the globalists. Look at Bohemian Grove. Look at it all.

All of us are being called towards a quickening is this the highlander now hey it's the highlander there's gonna be a guy with a samurai sword from scotland like why don't you have a claymore those Those are heavy. Look, I'm not carrying one of those around. I'm a Spanish guy who went to the Orient, China, to get a samurai sword. Thank you very much. Did he say that? I am the Kurgan, and I have a putt. Remember the snappy sword he had? No. Don't you remember the first Highlander?

Do you remember the first Highlander? I don't. I remember the second one because heads just fell off of people. The Kurgan, who was the evil guy in that. He's the one who had the safety pins in his neck. I don't know if you remember the character. I don't even remember this at all. I think it was the bully

from one of those old-timey movies, too. Was it the Gooch from Different Strokes? Something like that. Anyway, this dude is like, he's got a sword in that movie. It's the funniest shit ever. It's a broadsword, he's got a sword in that movie. This is the funniest shit ever. It's a broadsword that he carries in a briefcase.

It opens. It sounds the best. It's the best. He opens the briefcase, and it's in pieces. Wait, the sword is in pieces? He takes the handle, and he puts it there, and then he starts taking pieces of the broadsword, and they snap together.

And then he's got a snap together Brut sword. Then he fights the final battle. That story is more believable than anything Alex Jones has said. He's got a snap type Brut sword. Did he buy it from Ikea?

Does it have cam locks and doll watches? It's literally like a snap. It's like, it's the dumbest sword you've ever seen in your entire life. Like I saw it when I was like, when I was 10 and I had a boner about swords, I was like, that's the dumbest.

And we're either going to resonate with the dark satanic force, the force of life. What is that? Can I hear the whole thing about the quickening of the dark forces one more time? Let's just try it all here. Against the globalists. Look at Bohemian Grove. Look at it all.

All of us are being called towards a quickening. Don't know what that means. And we're either going to resonate with the dark satanic force of the force of life. We're going to resonate with the roundup and the genetic engineering and the nuclear war. We're going to resonate with happy green fields and butterflies and our children. Those are our options. Wait a minute. Nuclear war or butterflies. Nuclear war or your children. I'll choose the

war. Have you met my kids? Are you kidding me? Any kids. The fucking house would be cleaner if a bomb went off inside it. And the strongest people out there don't choose the evil. They're strong enough to buck it and to go through it. I don't tell you that story to sit there and impress you.

But I do want to point out, I was banging a 17-year-old. Before I had pubic hair. When I was 13. They liked the boy's smooth back then. I don't tell, you could not tell a less impressive story. Like, I don't tell that story to impress you. Well, I couldn't imagine a world where that would have done the trick.

I think I would have been more impressed with you failing to flip an omelet. Like that would be the more impressive. You're like, yeah. So I just decided to make scrambled eggs with bacon and cheese instead of making an omelet. Cause I just think every time I put it over the side, I tried to pull it up and I'm using one of those nonstick pans

that got a little stuck in there, and I tried to shove it off to the side. And so I just decided, you know what, fuck it, I'm just going to stir it up. So I just stirred it up with a spatula. Because I'll be honest with you, I love women and they were a great piece of ass. Oh my God! What 13-year-old boy is banging

away? You love those stories and you're like, yeah, I lost my virginity at nine. They were a great piece of ass. Well, it was an Annie back then. I'm just glad he's keeping it classy. Oh yeah.

You know, that's what we, we almost, we almost walked away from this story a handful of seconds early. I just want to say like, I'm glad. I'm so glad. I'm glad we go.

Alex didn't wait, but they were great pieces of ass. It's amazing. They weren't there to get me because they thought I was good looking. Cause I wasn't. Let me tell you. Cause you look like chunk from fucking Goonies, man.

Can you imagine like, look at how ugly he is now. Can you imagine his awkward face? He used to make his belly talk. Just drew the. Oh, I think he used to make his belly talk. No, he didn't. Just drew the... Oh. This next one comes from episode 414, When It's Time to Change, released on May 14th.

This clip is fucking beautiful, right, Wingwatch? Michael Snyder says that if elected, he'll be, quote, ranting like Alex Jones on the House floor. Oh, great. This is another Alex Jones clip. Oh, a lot of the Republicans are totally clueless. And, you know, it's like when they go to D.C., it's like they have their signs surgically removed.

They're constantly compromising on anything. There's no way this guy is going to get elected. He sounds like a fucking somebody who's got a squeaky toy that's almost out of air. Like, it's at the very end. You know, like when you squeeze the squeaky toy and it's done and you're kind of like... Like it's at the very end, you know, like when you squeeze the squeaky toy and it's done and you're kind of like, like right at the end.

After his voice changes, he might have a shot. He's Peter Brady. He's like, are you fucking kidding? When it's time to go to the city, when it's time to go to the house. His mustache.

Can we just talk for a second? Yeah, no guys, you gotta see this. I've got guys. You got to see this. About his mustache? You got to see this. That is a porn stache. It is insane. Nobody has that mustache.

Yeah, no, not unless you're... Well, you do when you're 13. Dude, you have that mustache when you're 13. You have that mustache if you lost a bet and you're 13. Are you kidding me? Anyway, guys. I got like six hairs on my upper lip. He sounds like the kid working the cash register in the Simpsons, you know?

It does. Holy shit. They've been compromising for so long, they don't believe in anything anymore. That's why we need to send people to Washington that aren't just right on the issues, but that are willing to fight. And if I go to Congress, I mean, we very well understand I'm going to be the most. There's literally no chance you're going to fight. And if I go to Congress, I mean, we very well understand I'm going to be the most. There's literally no chance you're going to Congress. Also, we haven't had anything happen in Congress in like seven years. You want to think about people who are digging their heels and ready to fight. Look at everybody there now. Nobody there is willing to compromise. Right. And I got to say too, there have been a lot of senators elected that have been just on fire and i think genuinely so

and then they run into the massive obstructionist wall of washington politics yeah and all that fire just sort of yeah gets doused out by the fucking reality of working in that system yeah they're they're they're mr smith when they go to washington they're fucking eeyore after the most hated member of congress in all of washington dc oh it'd be beautiful if you were there because when they go to Washington, they're fucking Eeyore after the first week. Just like, fuck this. Most hated member of Congress in all of Washington, D.C. Oh, it'd be beautiful if you were there because- Because I would basically interrupt you and tell you what to say. When you get there, let me know, bend over, I'll shove my hand up your ass and use you like a human puppet.

You fucking crazy mustachioed motherfucker. So just educating folks in Idaho by running and you are in a close second place in a seven-way race. They'd be she's educating folks in Idaho by running, and you are in a close second place in a seven-way race. They'd be the only educated folks in Idaho. He's a close second place in Idaho, Tom. A close second place. First place is an actual potato. First place is a steer.

You can't be a potato and do it, because they'll pull your plug in Idaho. What is the population of Idaho? Nine? Now let's find out. Are you fucking kidding me? The whole state! The whole state is

1.7 million people. In the whole state. Good for you guys. You can make it on your own. Your state is a piece of shit. Oh, man. Yeah, everybody gets their own square mile too. But if you get there, imagine you up there on C-SPAN, on national TV, everywhere going through the New World Order.

Oh, C-SPAN, that'll make a difference. Oh, yeah, you should go through the New World Order once you get fucking put in office. That would be fucking amazeballs. I would love to have somebody who's an actual conspiracy theorist that isn't the president. That would be amazing. I can't believe you had to just say that.

That is it. Because, yeah, that's a true thing. Yeah. I love the idea that like... He's a birther, so... I know. I know. He is a conspiracy theorist.

Absolutely. It's like he's... I remember reading an article like the various conspiracies that Trump has espoused. And it's dozens of them. Like the man is fucking crazy. I have to think there's actually,

I mean, I think anybody who's a climate change denier is a conspiracy theorist, right? Because they think that there is a conspiracy. Absolutely. Absolutely. The anti-vaccine people. I think there's a lot of conspiracy nuts.

Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, they're not as vocal. But, you know, this guy would be talking about conspiracies that I think even conspiracy theorists that are, we talk about that are more mainstream would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? We don't do that one here.

We do these. These are the lists of approved. Pick one from the list. Go back, Michael. Pick one from the list. Shave that mustache. That's for Idaho. That's not for here. Get rid of that. It'll take you literally two snips. You didn't have to look to shave that mustache. That's for Idaho. That's not for here. Get rid of that. It'll take literally two snips. No, you didn't have to look to cut that off. Follow your nose. For the TPP, going to the Department of Education, it would really be a good thing.

Oh, and I'll go right to the floor of the House of Representatives. And I'll start ranting like Alex Jones. You guys know me right from the floor of the House of Representatives. So if you want to see that, we have this opportunity to defeat the globalists one seat at a time. Oh, and I'm saying don't be like the Democrats. I love that he's so weak. I know.

That Alex Jones can just walk right over him. I love how weak he is. I'm going to show up and I'm going to be so powerful. You were saying, sir. What were you saying? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk during your show. Of course I brought you some coffee. I love you.

Actually, you just keep talking. I'll climb under the desk. And if your mom, your dad, your cousin, your brother, whatever died the last few years on the voter roll, do not go in and vote in their name. And I'm not being tongue-in-cheek. What? Yeah.

Don't use dead people's names to vote. Glad you had to say that out loud to people. Don't go ahead and do that. That'd be wrong. Yeah, we all know that's wrong. And you couldn't anyway. You can't anyway. I think he's saying unlike the Democrats.

We really shouldn't become the enemy. But go catch illegals or folks voting in the name of dead people. Just make sure you get out and you vote. Because you know they're going to pull some hanky-panky. What are you talking about? All the illegal voters in Idaho? If there was one person with a strong tan in Idaho, they would be pulled over and tasered.

Idaho's got to be the whitest state in America. It might not be. I know you said it and then you had to pull it back. I know, because I don't know if it is or not. But I know it's not not. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. But the beautiful thing is the primaries, we can have so much more of an impact

than the general election. Because that's the only chance you'll have is to get any votes is in the primary. Because you're not going to win the primary. But that is an issue. The Democrats are giving drivers licenses all over the country to illegals to vote. They're doing all this. And then we as libertarians or Christians, we don't cheat. Did you see that they did come out with a thing in Chicago?

It's a ID for anyone who is a resident of Chicago and it does not take United States citizenship into account. No. But you can't vote. You can use it as a way to show people

that you can vote. That you exist. That you can vote. But you don't automatically get to vote if you have it. Oh, okay. So it's just an ID that you can use.

And you can waive it. But the thing is, you don't have to present an ID in Illinois to vote. No, you don't. You don't have to present. I actually specifically leave my ID at home

when I go to vote. Do you really? Like I, or I've been there twice and they've asked for it. I've been there many, many times. Clearly, I vote every election. But my polling place, the last two times I walked in and I said, I'm here to vote.

And they're like, can I see your ID is what he said. And I said, no, you can't. And they just let you go. And he goes, and he looked at me like, and I was like, you can't see my ID. I told him my name and I told him where I lived. And then he found me in the list and he gave me the stuff. And that's because that's how you have to do it.

Like that's, that's the rule of law in Illinois is you do not have to show an ID. I wonder if they're asking for ID because people's names are difficult. Super easy. Yeah. I just don't do it. I wonder if it's just lazy. Like if I'm, if I'm an election judge, maybe I would just be like, just give me your ID so I can look it up.

You know what I mean? Instead of like, cause people are going to be be like my name is unpronounceable gibberish you'd be like oh i gotta spell that sure but i'm not going to give it to you oh i wouldn't either yeah i'm right there with you i just wonder if it's nefarious or if it's practical no i don't think it was nefarious at all i think it was totally practical but again you're not allowed to ask for it you know what i mean because like like here's the thing there's no nobody in chicago you know even a city with this kind of shitty reputation that we have,

nobody in Chicago is voting for dead people. Nobody in Chicago is, like, you should have saw the bullshit that went through. Last time I went to the polling place, it was for the primary. It was for the primary here in Illinois, the gubernatorial primary.

This one guy came in, and he walked in and he said, look, I'm at my new place. I don't think I got my card changed, but I know that this is my polling place. And they spent 25 minutes with that guy the whole time I was in line trying to work with them to try to figure out if he was in these or not in these or whatever. If it was so fucking easy to just vote, to just do that. Right.

These polling places wouldn't spend 25 minutes with you. They would just wave their hand and be like, fine, whatever. You know, we're a Democratic area. They're blaming the Democrats. We're a very Democratic, heavily Democratic district. They would just wave their hand and be like, fine, this guy's probably going to vote Democrat anyway. Here's your ballot. Go vote. Right. But instead, they spent 25 minutes with this guy trying to figure out whether this was his polling place or another place was his polling place. They're on the phone. They're double checking records.

They're on a fucking computer. He spent his entire morning there. My entire time I was waiting in line, which was not insignificant. I were. It's a busy polling place. That's just one guy coming in with the wrong with the wrong fucking polling place. How do you think this works, man? Well, they don't.

They don't have any idea. They don't have any idea. Do you know what I bet? I bet that this plays really well to people that don't vote. Yeah. Because most people don't vote. Most people don't vote consistently.

Most people don't vote. So, you know, my guess is that this narrative plays really well in the minds of people that don't fucking vote. Yeah, sure. Because if you vote,

you're like, oh, that's not possible. And then that's it. I'm sure that there's some people that can get through the cracks. I'm sure there's one or two people that will have a maybe they'll say something. There was somebody who wound up getting caught for it and they were trying to vote

for Trump. They got caught for it. There's a couple other people. I'm sure there's some that get through the cracks. I'm not saying it's impossible to do, but it just feels like it's a federal crime. It's a lot of shit to just fucking vote a different thing. You know what I mean? Like just to vote one more extra time, a few extra ballots.

It feels like a lot of work to do for minimal impact. Very minimal impact. Right. Especially in a place like Chicago or whatever. Like it doesn't mean in fucking Idaho. Yeah, maybe it might mean something because there's only seven fucking people that are going to vote. Well, it's like, look at the last presidential

election. According to this narrative, there's like three million rigged votes. Trump lost by three million votes. And they went through all this effort and all this work and all this logistics to get that done, but they didn't put them in Michigan and Wisconsin andisconsin and pennsylvania right yeah that's crazy it's fucking crazy because all you said they stack the deck in places that don't matter all you needed

to do is put all like one and a half million in florida one and a half million in pennsylvania the fucking the thing's over it's over right okay i agree we shouldn't cheat but we need to start prosecuting these people that are caught cheating yeah we, we need to restore the rule of law. Let's find some, let's find a few. Yeah, sure. Cuz we keep finding them and they're on your side. I'm totally down, I'm down with that. This country, that's why I'm the only one. I'll be honest though, I've- He just cuts them off, he cuts that Weasley little shit. My God. I thought about, cuz the conservatives started cheating, we'd be much better than the Democrats it and i just i i mean in a certain level man i think about cheating because they're cheating and i'm

not gonna cheat i'm being honest here but i think about it not gonna cheat i will however lie yeah make shit up i will make up every single story right on my fucking i won't i won't cheat that would be wrong also i sell some supplements full of lead on my website. It's true. Here's a snippet from episode 416, The Deadliest Crotch, released on May 28th. There are small fish in rivers that will swim up your urine stream and live in your penis. God is an asshole if he's real. That's not something you create if you're a benevolent God. So are they constantly swimming upstream?

They just always swim upstream. They're like tiny salmon. The bitch of it is, in order to prevent them, you need tinier bears to eat them. The bitch of it is, in order to prevent them, you need tinier bears to eat them. I put tiny bears and I put a small fishing ship up my penis to try to stop the small salmon. It's like the penis version of like swallow the fly to catch a spider. You just got the whole crew. That crap show on discovery in your penis. What is it?

The deadliest. It's the deadliest crotch. Oh my God. It'd be a great venereal disease. I'm sorry. You've got the deadliest catch. It's not. Is it okay?

Am I going to be okay? No, it's the deadliest catch. You've got the deadliest crotch. So there's no, you can't, there's no getting back that back. You're just basically shooting crab pots. And there's some

wisecracking guy throwing a buoy out of there. Hold on, you get the stethoscope out. Oh, yeah, it's not good. You just hear the sonar. i can hear the ocean in there he puts your face by the clock oh classic sign of the deadliest crotch that's no good that's horrible all right let's hear a pass let's hear pat he doesn't top that i bet though well you

remember jesus gave a teaching about a demon. He said, after the demon is cast out of a person, he goes into arid land, seeking someplace and then he goes back to the house that he left and he finds it swept and gargant and he brings seven more worse than himself. Well then why would you send him out in the first place? Well, I said there's no reason to send him out if he's just going to exponentially get bigger. Like, we'll just be like, well, fine. I guess I'll just have this fucking small person, this little person demon in the house rather than seven giant demons.

Is there no way to close the door after you clean your house? You got like this metaphysical house. You just fucking cleaned it and swept it. You got things all spring and spruced up. It's like Hotel California. Once they check in, they can never leave or whatever. Like Motel 6. 6.

6. Nice. Nice. White evangelists have no problem locking black people out. You'd think they have no problem locking the demons out. So disease, you know, has a certain life to it some some diseases they're like like animate creatures and they want to go back to the house where they left and you have to fill that that void with something and that with medicine so

what you do is you just take in a bunch of medicine or radiation or chemotherapy and it gets rid of it. There's a virus-shaped hole in my heart. And I have to fill it with more viruses? What? The fuck? She said she prayed. He's going to say, like, you got to fill it with

something. He's going to suggest it's fucking Jesus. Yeah. But she already thanked Jesus. What else does she need to do? Okay, fucking, here we go. Old man winter. That's fucking Jesus. Yeah. But she already thanked Jesus. What else does she need to do? Okay, fucking, here we go. Old man winter. That's what the teaching was. You have to be filled with the spirit of God. And that disease is gone.

But you somehow are welcoming it back. It isn't God putting it back. The disease wants to come back and you receive it. So you have to be. It's your fault! You're the worst person ever! I thought I got rid of my dysentery, but it's my fault because I still have dysentery. What the fuck is happening?

What an asshole! That is some loving, generous advice. I'm really trying to understand why I'm so sick all the time. Well, maybe it's because you're a cunt, Laura. It's like that old stupid story where they're like, I prayed hard enough and I didn't get raised.

I know. It's the same awful story. Dang, it's the same shit. I prayed real hard and I didn't get the cancer. Jesus. Maybe if your resting bitch face didn't let demons back in. I had to chop off a titty. But he's back now and now I got to lose both my legs.

Begin to stand against these things. So that's all I can say. It's your fucking fault. Sorry. It's your fault. Well, what do I do about it? What does she do? She already thanked Jesus. She already prayed too. I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas.

God. All right. here's one from Bell. How do I know God can hear me? Newsflash, he isn't there. How do I know God can hear me? Oh, this is great. I've been praying to have a family of my own and for help in my struggle with polycystic ovary syndrome. Am I being impatient? Well, you didn't even tell him how long you've been trying to have a family yes you've been being impatient if you if you were like an hour ago like we should get pregnant are we pregnant

already that would be fucking impatient god or no god if you're on the operating room table and you're tapping your foot there's a problem. While you're in there, can you shove a baby in there? Is there like a daycare where there's babies no one is using? You could just stick one in there? I just want to birth it later. You could turn this thing into a clown car

slash potato gun so I could just shoot them out across the room. I'll just marry a dugger. I don't know enough about your circumstances to give you a legitimate answer, but... Then why'd you choose this question? Your editorialist board

chose the questions. You're like, I don't have enough... What did no... You only get three fucking questions? I got three pieces of email this week. Of course God hears you, but you remember that... But he might not give a shit about you. He doesn't. Right? God hates you. He told me

personally last night. Who he fucking hates? That other chick? I only can hear him because I have these huge ears. Story about Daniel praying and the angel. And he had ovary problems too or what? Daniel had a bitch of a time getting

pregnant. I'll tell you what. Daniel's ovaries were huge. I came to him and said, look, I've been fighting the Prince of Persia. Took me a while. Did Persia have an R at the end of it when he was fighting it too? When he was fighting the Prince of Persia,

it took him a while because that game is hard to beat. It is a difficult game. It's real hard. That time slow shit is difficult to master, so I get it. You've been fasting and praying, but I've been having this. Maybe all the fasting isn't making you any stronger in

fighting people. Maybe that's literally a terrible idea. You should have some protein, bro. David, how are your ovaries? Are they okay? It's a battle, but I'm on the way. You just have to be patient. So I think God's answer is on the way. You just have to be patient. So I think God's answer is on the way, but you have to be patient. You'll be dead by the time it gets here. If you wait long enough, either your prayers will be answered or you'll become demented and forget what they

were. Either your prayers will be answered or they won't. And we have literally no way of knowing that. So just be patient. Your prayers would have come true if you hadn't been such a bitch and died. And here's the real answer. Be patient and shut the fuck up. Right.

Yeah. That's the real answer. I love that his answers are like, stop asking me these stupid questions. This is your segment. This is your job. You chose to make this your segment. It's also your job to hold out your weird stick divining rod and tell us what he means. I know. That's your job too.

I like that his answer is like, yeah, you're being impatient. Settle the fuck down. Hold on, I'm listening. Just get fucked more. I put my satellite dish up to the ceiling. Never stop. Always pray. Continually pray. Continually

seek God. Continually thank him. Like in the Burger King drive-thru. Like, I can't order and pray at the same time. A, B, P. Always be praying. Ma'am, I'm sorry. We don't have a Hail Mary on the menu. I apologize. And you'll have an answer. All right? All right. Here's one from Kathy. She says, My friends can all hear the spirit of God talk to their spirits. What are you just eavesdropping on it? Like my spirit is having this conversation

with God. I wasn't, I was basically like, I was reading the spirit's phone when they were asleep. Like they were on the toilet and I have a diary. I gave my heart to the lord years ago but i don't hear his voice could i be unsaved i have felt unloved for years because of this oh that is so sad that is i will say this that's so sad these stories these are all these are all sad and the reason why this one's sad is because you know she's been duped for her whole life that god's supposed to talk to you and all of her friends are like oh yeah yeah she. Yeah, he talks to me all the time. She's just like, I've felt unloved for years. Yeah, now you feel like the crazy person.

That is so sad. I bet he's going to say something super kind and reassuring. I imagine all of your friends, I don't know that many people hear the voice of God. It's very unusual. It's something that all your buddies hear God's voice. If they do, that they're fake. Your friends are liars. They're liars. That's what he's saying. I really believe that. I mean, in a sense, if we're open, as many as are led by the spirit of God, they're the sons

of God. But God speaks to you from the scripture. He speaks to you from, you know, circumstances. He speaks from a lot of ways. So just open yourself and the spirit of God will speak to you. All right. All right. Well, your comment is like, hold on a minute. That's terrible. Think about what he just said. He said that doesn't talk to you.

It doesn't talk to you. But you just have to wait and he'll talk to you. So now if he doesn't fucking talk to this woman, she's still going to. That's such mean advice. His initial advice was better. Like, look, it's not really... They're all faking it. Right. They're all lying to you.

Just read this old book until it makes you feel better. That was... Okay, fine. You're in your fucking crazy... Right. But then he fucking doubled down on, but, you know,

if you're good enough, he'll still talk to you. And you really, really, really want it. Likelihood is is you're not good enough for lane she says our church won't let anyone serve unless they tithe is that biblical i can't find it in the word we tithe but i've known people who were hurt because of this policy they wanted to serve in various ministries, but were not allowed to. I, again, think that's unbiblical. I don't understand anything that says you've got to give a certain amount of money in order to serve God. I don't know that. But I think, you know, God loves a cheerful giver.

I'm not saying you have to. Here's the thing. You don't have to give a certain amount of money, but you do have to give. We don't have to fuck tonight, but if you could just blow me a little. That's what I would put on my Tinder profile. Cheerful giver.

This clip is from episode 425, No Collusion, released on July 22nd. Now, Trump, the next couple days later, was it two days later? I don't know if it was a day or two days. It was either a day or two days later, comes out with this statement. This clarification. And it's about a minute and a half long. We're going to play this again, just so you can hear what his clarification is. And then I won't interrupt. We'll listen to this together. So I'll begin by stating that

I have full faith and support for America's great intelligence agencies, always have. And I have felt very strongly that while Russia's actions had no impact at all on the outcome of the election. Let me be totally clear in saying that, and I've said this many times, I accept our intelligence community's conclusion that Russia's meddling in the 2016 election took place. Could be other people also. There's a lot of people out there. I can't, I can't, I can't. There are a lot of people out there. election took place. Could be other people also. There's a lot of people out there. I can't. I can't. There are a lot of people out there. I can't interrupt that.

I can't go more than 40 seconds to try to say there are a lot of other people out there. Could be a lot of other people. 7 billion other people. There's a lot of people. Yeah, it could have been, but the NSA, the FBI, and the CIA have all pretty clearly said it's fucking Russia. And we indicted another dozen of them the other day.

We've narrowed it down to 12 indictments. It could be. No, you know what? It's not Eritrea. You know what I mean? It's not like they're not like, Bula from Fiji. We have fucking stolen your election. That's not what's fucking happening.

Not at all. And we know that's not what's happening because that's what any of the intelligence agencies, and I believe the intelligence agencies, but also let me cast out on their conclusions. Why does he have to walk this part back is because other parts of that speech where people were asking him about, you know, like the

intelligence agencies, he, you know, when he says, well, I asked Mr. Putin said he didn't do it. It's just like, you know, he's basically throwing his own intelligence agencies under the bus. And then now he's got to walk back and be like, oh, no, no. What I meant to say was I really, really, really, really, really

trust him. I just can't even believe that. It's like, that's the guy that we said did the thing. Well, I asked that guy. I asked him. And I mean, what is he just going to lie right to my face? What the fuck? It's like, well, this guy maybe murdered someone. Well, no, I asked and he said he didn't.

I asked him. I strenuously questioned him. I asked. He said no. So I don't know. We got to start over. And the worst part is you can't even tell, like, because they don't speak the same language. So the interpreter is the one who you're hearing it from.

Right. So you can't even tell. You don't know what a lie sounds like in Russian. Yeah, that's a good point, right? You know what I mean? You're just like, well, the guy who told me sounded like he was telling the truth. Well, he's not the guy who did it. He was very convincing when I didn't understand what he said.

He just said there. Oh, my God. There was no collusion now i have to say i came back and i said what is going on what's the big deal so i got it nope no i already got no i'm sorry no you didn't come back you're on air force one you never left communication with the world yeah it's this is he makes it sound like i showed up and like the world was just going nuts and I was I was uncommunicado. No.

Air Force One is the internet. They put the whole internet in the back of the airplane. You don't even need to be on Air Force One to have internet in the sky. But I'm still just saying.

You know, go go in flight. You'll be fine. They have it on Southwest. You can still post to Facebook and or Twitter while you're in the air, Prez. And he does all the time. He does. He makes it sound like, oh, I just, you know, I got back home.

I was completely unplugged. You know how the president should be. I like to kick my feet off, turn my phone off for the night, wake up in the morning to a burning husk of the United States. She kept that ringer hot. Oh, do not disturb. They take that seriously at Verizon.

Holy shit. He's done a good work in the United States, man. Like nobody came up to him and was like, sir, those comments you made, they've really... None of his people? What the worst part is, is that there's nobody on his staff that could be like, sir, those comments you made, they've really... None of his people?

What the worst part is, is that there's nobody on his staff that could be like, hey, sir, you know those comments you made? They're fucking stupid. I know, right? You're an idiot. Yeah. They're probably jumping out of the airplane. Committing suicide in the bathroom.

Fucking. Just freaking. They're freaking the thing, the fire alarm in there and lighting themselves on fire like a Buddhist. It's like, fuck it. I want to immolate myself

so I don't have to be It's the least painful way to get out of the administration. Oh, God. And I love that he said to start out with no collusion because it's written huge on the side of his,

they said they took a photo of it. It's spelled wrong. It's spelled wrong. And it's like, it's like fucking Sarah Palin. The problem is Sarah Palin's hands are big enough for collusion. So you gotta put it on the paper. Next to it.

What is happening in the world? This is our president. It's not even funny. It's not funny. He can't smell what he didn't do. Oh, man. Oh, you fucking idiot. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm a very good speller, the best speller. It's in the United States. It's like in a marker. He seriously wrote it in a marker. He did, he wrote it in Sharpie. This way the Democrats can't erase it. When you turn it over, it's got like Metallica on the front. It's got like Metallica on the front.

I drew the end with the lightning bolts at the bottom. He's got no collusion. The middle is Trapper King. Okay, there's still more of this, Tom. I gotta play it. I gotta play it. We haven't gotten to the heart of it. Okay, here we go.

Okay. Transcript, I got to play it. I got to play it. We haven't gotten to the heart of it. Okay, here we go. Okay. Transcript I reviewed it. I actually went out and reviewed a clip of an answer that I gave. And I realized that there is a need for some clarification. It should have been obvious. I thought it would be obvious. Wait, wait, wait. It was obvious.

No, no. He's right. He's right. It was obvious. No, no. He's right. He's right. It was obvious. Oh, my God. I love that he has to preface his retraction with, you're too stupid to have understood what I said. I just want you to know, if you didn't understand

me, before I clarify, it was your fault. He's canceling all the votes. He's gaslighting all of us. What is happening, man? Oh, Jesus. Okay, this is President Trump. I would like to clarify, just in case it wasn't. In a key sentence in my remarks, I said the word would instead of wouldn't.

I don't know why that would make something unclear. That's weird. I used the opposite word to the word I intended to use. Super weird, man. So, Cecil, I was driving the other day

and the light was red, so I went. Oh. And I meant... What I meant to do was to stop. Yeah. Because that's the opposite.

And I caused a terrible accident. I killed seven people. That's so amazing. We're just like, yeah, I meant to say the exact opposite of what I actually said. And we played just a few moments ago. It does not sound even remotely. No, because the context around what he said supported the word would. Yeah.

Also, it's because he was standing next to Putin who would have kicked his ass right there. Putin would have been like, oh, you, oh, abso-fucking-lutely. I don't give a fuck that I'm in Helsinki. I will beat the Helsinki right out of you, you shitty old man. I'll throw, I'll keep a polar bear in my pocket. I will throw it at you right now. You know, you remember when we were in the, before the election cycle. I do.

Can I pause and enjoy that moment? Go back. I love those memories. So do you remember though, that there was constantly this, and we were getting it on our Twitter feed all the time. And there's this constant word, cuck, that was thrown around.

Yeah. Cuck, cuck, cuck. And I figured out after watching this press conference why they love that word so much. Because you look at those two on stage together. You look at President Trump and you look at President Putin and you see a guy who's in power and another guy who's ready to suck jizz out of whatever that guy just came in. Right. Yep. And that's the difference between those two. He's just weak.

Here's one from episode 432, Transatlantic Pipeline, published on September 6th. So we want to talk about this story next. This is actually a YouTube clip from InfoWars. You can find InfoWars pretty much at InfoWars. Although this clip is on YouTube. This clip is on YouTube, but it's a clip from... Right. It's a clip somebody else excerpted from InfoWars. It's not the InfoWars channel. So what happened was, is that Alex Jones took a... Somehow there was a video feed of his phone. His phone came into view while he was on the air. And while he's

on the air, it just so happened that there was a tab open on a browser that said something about a T-Babe Marissa doing something. I saw the thing, it was like, cock, slut, cock slut

is hungry for dick. Some nonsense. You know, it's something that's going to catch your eye while you're scrolling, really. It's like, huh, yeah. Well, alright. It's convenient that I happen to be a cock chef. I will feed this young lady. Like,

oh, she's hungry for dick. That happens to be what i have warmed up for supper i seem to have the salami um but anyway the uh the this this stupid thing comes up on his on his uh phone this this tab browsing tab is comes up on his phone that clearly shows trans porn right that the title because somebody searched for the title and found, you know, this title turns out, you know, when you use the word T-Babe, there's specific, that means something. Maybe he meant to type in T-Bird.

T-Bird. Like the old car. Hey, man. And he's like, whoa, I auto-filled. That's what he used to drive around to get all the ladies in high school. It's the T-Bird. The satanic ladies or whatever.

All those satanic ladies were like, I love a good T-Bird. Satanic bitches love T-Birds. Do the T-Tops come out? Let me see your grand T-Tops. He's got a Trans Am. Oh, gosh. It would be great if everything he had was like a trans something, but he's still transphobic.

He drives a Trans Am. Somehow he collects Transformers. He likes the Transatlantic Pipeline. something but he's still transphobic like he drives he drives a Trans Am like somehow he likes to collect transformers he likes the transatlantic pipeline yeah he does he sure does he looked it up on his phone it turns out no but the reason why this is

funny is because he's the guy who thinks the frogs are turning gay right because they're drinking stuff and he's also one of these guys who's like, there's only two sexes and sex is equal to gender. And yeah, he's very anti-trans. And so he has been sort of, people

have been like, what the fuck was going on there, bro? Because it's basically what happens with all the fucking priests and whatever. All those gays oiling up their hot man pecks and putting each other's hard erect dicks in each other's mouths the dirty hot sinners and you're just like you're so gay please stop gayer than the two dudes who hang out in the garage across the street from me

you're so gay that's so there are two dudes. Yeah. Every single night, and I don't mean most nights. Every single night. My neighbors, they're just hanging out in the garage. The other day, they're hanging out. He's got his shirt off. They spend like five, six hours a day just hanging out in the garage. Not working on something. They're just two dudes.

I drive home like, just kiss kiss just kiss i'm reminded of the scene from american beauty right yeah i i i told him like if you hear a gunshot and see somebody like covered in water looking like real confused that's the neighbor that's like and it's like it's fine like the gents like it's like it's fine just fine's like it's fine just fine just leave your wives and be gay your wives don't care

they let you spend six hours a day together they know everybody knows it's the same thing with Alex Jones yeah Alex Jones has got this

this thing clearly and so he has this thing on his phone it's shown on there a bunch of people were like hey man what's the deal and someone actually asked him about it on his show so It's shown on there. A bunch of people were like, hey, man, what's the deal?

And someone actually asked him about it on his show. So let's play the clip from Infowars. I got to tell you, though, it's neck and neck, though. If people don't get upset about this, they can win. Yeah. And also, what about the trans porn on your phone, Alex? Are you ever going to talk about that? Say that again?

Give me a minute to think about what to say. Hold on. I did hear your clearly worded question with no intervention. Well, one more time while I pause and consider how to answer that question. And what's funny is after he plays this, he immediately knows what she's talking about. Hang on a minute. I'm looking at Transporn. It's not like you don't know, Alex.

Transporn on your phone? That's all they keep talking about. No. You know, I saw a couple news articles about that. It's ridiculous. You on your phone. That's all they keep talking about. No. You know, I saw a couple news articles about that. It's ridiculous. He saw your phone! It was on your phone! You would have to,

even if his fucking bullshit story is going to tell in a second, it's like, you had to close that browser tab. It would be funny. Oh, I had to see that on the news. You had to see it on your phone! It would be funny if, like,

once he saw that on the news, it reminded of his wank material and he wanked it again. No, I actually, about two minutes in, it's pretty hot. I was digging that tea, babe. Some reporter we're trying to hire today and punched in some number and it popped up porn on my phone. Everybody's.

Wait, you punched in a number and it popped up porn on your phone. What number is that? Who do I have to text? Who's looking something up? Hey, I'm going to hire somebody. Let me just punch numbers randomly into my internet browser. 4396. Oh, it looks like I should hire Cecil. What the fuck? What are you talking about? 8-1-7-2 Why does that young lady have a cock in her mouth? That's weird Huh All I did was type in numbers

Anyway, I'll just leave that open Yeah, anyway I would just immediately close it His explanation here is fucking amazing It's so funny too When I browse Reddit once in a while, because images will just open. Once in a while

they'll just be like some bra like spread eagle. And it'll be like a gone wild or something because it got upvoted to the front page. And it'll just be like, oh Jesus. I scroll past and I'll say, because if Sarah's in the room, I don't want to think I'm like, I'm not looking at porn while you're in the room. I'll wait until you leave. I'll say, because if Sarah's in the room, I don't want to think I'm like, I'm not looking at porn while you're in the room.

I'll wait until you leave. I went to your grocery shopping. I'll wait until you leave. No, I wait until she's doing the dishes. Had porn pop up on her phones hundreds of times. So I'm sitting with a phone. Hundreds of times. I have never had porn pop up on my phone, although I'm willing to try.

I will tell you that all of the porn that has popped up on my phone is because I went to Pornhub.com to get the porn on my phone. I went to a porn site. Right. Yeah. I was never like, I was at Peapod and I typed in Pornhub. What? You remember that stupid fucking movie we watched where the guy was clicking on the pop-ups? Fireproof or whatever it's called.

He threw his computer monitor in the garbage. He threw his computer away because he couldn't stop wanking it. Do you remember that movie? I do. This is Alex Jones. He's like accidentally, he's like, oh, there I was on my boat site and there was like a porn thing and I couldn't help myself. I just, I wanted to rent an apartment

so I went to penthouse.com. What the fuck? Hundreds of times this has happened to him. Hundreds of times. I was looking for advice on my pet gerbil, so I went to X Hamster. I don't know. What? I got a pet gerbil.

He's got a big X on his back. What do you want from me? And then I stayed there and did not close the browser. And then hundreds of times. A pop-up came up. Oh, my God. I then i was looking up you know how to discipline your child i went to spank it.com what do you want from me on air showing it to everybody because i couldn't get a url up in the studio and then like some why why would you not be able to because i because i didn't it would have been amazing if he, you know how you can cast a device on your phone.

Could you imagine if he cast to the thing, the TV? Yeah. That'd have been awesome. I just don't understand. Like if he's looking at porn, why can't he get it up? Like that's what the porn is for.

That's the, I, these things seem incongruous. Thing pops up. I'm like, Oh my God. And I looked at it. It wasn't, the news blurted out because there was nothing there.

They blurted to then say something was there. What does that mean? The news, I looked at it and I said, oh my God. But then also there was nothing there. And then the news blurted to say something was there. I think he's saying that there was nothing in the header. And then the news blurted and made it look like it was trans porn. But it wasn't.

It was totally regular porn. Well, they'd only blurred the picture. But I know. I'm right there with you, Cecil. This is a nonsensical. This is an explanation. This is the guy. When your kid, like, real fast, they come in, like, put the laundry away, and you hear, like, whoo!

And, like, the computer shuts real quick, and he's got like a towel over him, and he's just like, I was just, I gotta go. He's just sitting there. He's like, I was folding laundry. I started and finished with this towel, and then I finished on this towel. Also, this towel is not clean.

This towel has a stain on it. I need to wash it again. We are going to need a lot of new towels. I had to wash all my crusty socks. You got to pull the googly eyes off of all of them. In unrelated news, we are out of lotion and Kleenex. And I don't know why, but the internet's down.

I went to it with some porn menu. I probably had porn menus pop up 500 times on my phone. What? That doesn't happen. Is that a setting? Because I want it. Porn menus? Porn it. Porn menus? Porn menus.

Porn menus. Like, oh, let me see what I'm ordering today. All the pot stickers. It all looks like carpaccio. I'll tell you. Just sausage and roast beef. I don't know't know i don't know what i want but i definitely want the tacos i definitely want the tacos i appreciate your call i mean it's insane ladies and gentlemen there's two types of people people that look at porn and people that lie about it but i wasn't looking at porn i'm one of the ones lying about it. I'm identifying that I am one of the ones lying about it.

That's amazing. Oh my God. That is amazing. Because I agree with him. Yeah. Everybody has looked at porn. Everybody. All of you.

All of you. Right now are probably looking at porn. And if you want to look at porn, you can. You can go to adamandeve.com. You can type in adamandeve.com. You can type in Glory at checkout. You'll get 50% off almost any item of free sex swing and free shipping. But they sell porn there.

So if you didn't want to go to the internet to get it, you could go to the internet and then get it shipped to you. You know what I like about buying porn in 2018 is like there's like there's a world where you're like what if the internet goes down I need to be prepared for all eventualities

absolutely it's like I'm gonna take two of those fucking food buckets and I want a fucking DVD rack of like anal babysitter nine absolutely i will tell you right now you know i want an entire food bucket filled with dvds like you're like you're running your generator just to run your dvd player it's just once a day i'm almost out of electricity just so you could run it one more time. After all the electricity goes out, you're just

holding it up to the sun, hoping it's like Cinemax when you were a kid. You can maybe see a boobie on it. On my phone. I don't take phones on air that I look at porn on. I have separate phones. I use sex phone for my porn. I have a separate phone

and I dubbed it sex phone. This is the phone I fuck with. Here's what I do. I don't look at it on a phone. Look at it on a computer. I have a whole slew of phones. Just like several phones. He's the only guy who fucking unitasks

with a smartphone. I want to download that app. I better buy a new phone for it. And so I saw all that. I didn't respond to it. I mean, if I respond to half the attacks on me, it'll be ridiculous. But I'll say this. The Amazon ads, the Viagra ads, the weird non-plastic bag ads are taking my iPhone over.

iPhones didn't used to be that bad like Androids. He is just babbling. Yeah, at the end, he's just going, like he's doing what he can to try to deflect in any way possible. But this is the kind of guy, though, that would be embarrassed that, you know, like this sort of thing happened.

The only reason to be embarrassed is because it's a hypocritical stance to take. It is like we were joking earlier. It's the gay pastor. It's the guy who got caught with the trans person who was paying the hooker or whatever.

In the airport or whatever. No, I'm talking about the guy who was like the megachurch dude who was hiring. I thought that was an airport. Didn't he pick up a trans person at an airport and do a bunch of meth or something?

Am I mixing? Maybe there's a bunch of different ones. But he was picking up like every week like he had a trans prostitute that he would... Oh, I didn't know. It was the guy from the Jesus Camp movie

who's like, we know what you did this weekend. It's that guy, whatever his name is. Who's the guy who got the red haggard? Yeah, yeah. Who's the guy who did the shoe tappy tappa in the airport? That was a Republican congressman or something. Who's the guy that got the rent boy? That's a Republican congressman. I get all these guys mixed that got the rent boy and traveled with the Republican congressman?

I get all these guys mixed up. I always thought that it would have been priests, but it's not. It's congressmen too. They don't need to rent them. They get them free from their parents

who send them to church. It's free. They're rent to own. And finally, here is a bit from episode 436, Outsourcing Empathy. I know the year is not over. I know. I know it's not. This is an amazing story.

But I love this story. Like, I love my family. I love this story. In maybe reverse order. This is from The Guardian. And I had to double check, like, is this real? Is this real? Yeah.

No, no. When I read it too, I was like, what the fuck? Because it's all over the place. So, Cecil, I'm going to make this a talkie. I'm going to read this story and we will come because this is just perfect. Demons and Armageddon. Details emerge in naked kidnapping case a group of five who kidnapped three people and crashed their car believe they were escaping the end of the world and faced

imminent danger three people who were arrested naked by canadian police after kidnapping their neighbors and crashing their car into another vehicle where Jehovah's Witnesses who believe that they were escaping the end of the world, according to court documents. When they call them up in court, will they call a Jehovah's Witness to the stand? Is that what's going to happen? I would like to call Jehovah to the witness stand. In a plea document obtained by the Canadian press, two women and a man admitted to kidnapping three people

in the western province of Alberta last year, which brought a degree of clarity to the bizarre incident last November. I got to say, like, when you agree that, yeah, I kidnapped three people and that brings clarity to the situation. Like, oh, geez geez that clears it all up that situation is fucked right uh i this i was like uh one of the women also pleaded guilty to dangerous driving well that's important okay a traffic ticket you stacked on the end of this thing the royal canadian mountain police launched an investigation after they were called to the

scene of a car crash in an industrial park in nisku, south of Edmonton. They arrived to find a white BMW that had collided with a truck. Inside were five people, four of them naked, despite the centimeters of snow on the ground and temperatures that hubbed around 14 degrees. Four naked people. You know when you go to that car as the cop?

You just go, nope. And then you turn around and you walk away like, nope, I'm done. I'm good. No, I'm calling in Bill. This is the cop. You just go, nope. And then you turn around and you walk away like, nope, I'm done. I'm good. No, I'm calling in Bill. This is Bill's. I don't want to write up the paperwork for this one.

How weird is it when you're the one wearing clothes in that car? You're like, come on, let me take off my pants too. You're the prude. Keep your pants on.

No one wants to see you. That's just mean. It's not a toadstool. It's a toadstool surrounded by Yeti hair. What do you want? According to the plea document, the episode had begun several days earlier when

one of the women took her two teenage daughters to visit her 27-year-old nephew and his 30-year-old wife who lived in Luddock, Alberta. Wait, hold on, hold on. So you're sitting in the car naked with your nephew and his wife and your daughters? Yeah, and your two teenage

daughters. Well, this will all come clarity will arise. It's not even warm out. Like, I mean, I can understand if like you're fleeing a nudist colony or it's really, really hot out or something. You're like, I gotta run. And everybody's like,

pants are just gonna slow me down. God, I'm so warm. And you're like, I gotta run. These pants are just gonna slow me down. I'm so warm. And everybody's like, I'm real warm too. This is the start of a movie. This is the start of a movie. After three days at the house, during which the group barely ate. Why? They came to believe they had lived through the Great Tribulation. A period of suffering which some

evangelical Christians believe heralds the second coming. That's why they were all naked. Believing they were in imminent danger. A period of suffering which some evangelical Christians believe heralds the second coming. I know. That's why they're all naked. That's why they're, yeah. Believing they were in imminent danger, the group fled the house. But in their haste, none of the family except the mother managed to get dressed. Okay, no, it's even worse than I thought before.

Before, I was just like, oh, they're just in the car naked. No, they were hanging out in the house naked. That's my, that's, thank you. For a while. Yeah. Clearly long enough to be surprised enough to not get dressed for it's a quote four who were naked were changing but they had to leave right away because it was unsafe so they left without no they were not so they're all simultaneously changing let's all change we'll all be in the exact same state of undress at the same time. And go. I know, right?

It's a race. Okay. And we have one. It's like you're playing like musical clothes. There's like one set of clothes. Maybe that's it. Maybe they're playing truth or dare. And the mom is just baller at it.

She's just like, no, nobody's ever getting my clothes off. I'm all Darren all day. I want to know like what in that room or house, I don't know, like, what changed from moment one to moment two, where you're like, okay, I'm going to go ahead and get changed. Oh, God, the tribulation! Yeah, I'll tell you what

it is. It's at the end of the article, they say it was maybe hallucinogenic T. Oh, I imagine that. And you're like, yeah, no, that's probably what it was. So the group piled into a BMW SUV, which the mother drove through the garage door to make their escape. They're just like,

fucking, we don't have time to open the garage! Smash up their escape vehicle! I love, too, they're going to drive away from Revelation. They're going to hurriedly... We've got to get to exit 9! Guys, we've got a jog walk here. But then they decided

they needed to rescue the neighbors from God. They forced a man into the trunk of their vehicle and made his adult daughter and her baby climb into the backseat. Okay, wait.

Now this just screams unprepared. They're not dressed. They don't even take the, they don't even lift the garage door. They go next door and they have to stuff a guy in the trunk. Like these people are the least prepared people ever. You are not dressed. They don't even take the, they don't even lift the garage door. They go next door and they have to stuff a guy in the trunk. Like these people are the least prepared people ever.

You are not ready for the end of the world. You are not ready. You are not a prepper. I was going to say, these are anti preppers. Could you imagine like you're at home and like four people rush your house naked in a panic and shove your dad into their car. And they're like, get in.

God's coming. You're like, I'll stay here. You can keep dad or whatever. So I got a question for you. Let's say you got a bunch of those Jim Baker buckets at your home. You're waiting for the apocalypse. Yeah. And a bunch of people come over and they eat all your buckets.

You know what those people are? Stuffed preppers. That is such a dad joke. That's amazing. That's so bad. Stuffed preppers. Delicious. Oh my God.

You cooked those right in a bucket. All right. They did so because they believed they were in danger, either from bad or wicked people outside or from demons. Or from demons. It does not rule things out, Tom. The BMW then raced down the highway, blasting through a red light as its occupants chanted Jehovah

over and over. Again, imagine you're one of the kidnapped dudes. I will tell you, man, this would be the best movie I've ever seen. Oh my God. At first, it would be a great made-for-TV movie after school. It would be an amazing Netflix series.

It would be awesome on Pornhub. I don't care what... I literally don't care what medium you show this to me. I think it would kill. According to the document, the three neighbors managed to escape when the SUV slowed down and flagged down a passing truck. Quote, it's the middle of the winter and people are running around with no shoes

on. You stop to help them, said Derek Scott, the truck's driver. The neighbors climbed aboard the truck, but the relief was short-lived. The SUV rammed Scott's truck, and both vehicles ended up in a snow-filled ditch. Jesus Christ. When police responded to the accident, they faced a group

who, quote, displayed extreme strength and refused to leave. These guys are on PCP, man, or whatever. They're fucked. They're so wasted. According to the court document, one of the teens believed the officers were, quote, monsters who would kill them. No word on whether they were in America

and the teen was black. Police eventually resorted to using a combination of pepper spray and tasers to subdue and arrest the passengers. Yeah, they're screaming like, keep the poison-spitting electricity monsters away from me. You know, you answered

your previous question, though, because that line would have said, and they were shot to death in America. Yeah, right. So, yeah, you answer your own question. They used non-lethal means in order to subdue them. So, no, they're not in America. No. Cops would have been like, bomb the SUV.

I don't know. Can we just, like, can we just shoot it off into space? At the time, police suspected drugs or alcohol might have been a factor in the incident. The father of the two teens... Spank up police work there, buddy. Right? Told investigators that he fears the group might have consumed a hallucinogenic tea. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that sounds likely. They probably consumed all of the hallucinogenic... It sounds like they did bath salts man thanks for listening hope you all had a wonderful new year and here's the skeptics creed credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble Pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized Stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing

Water downward spiral, brain deadpan Sales pitch, late night info-docutainment Leo Pisces, cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cars psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers evangelistsists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands.

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