Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 452: Great Camel Cliches

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Stories from the Week  

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hi guys, just listening to episode 451. You're talking about separating the art from the artists. And one of the things you said was not enriching the artist. That happens to be awful. That becomes problematic when you're talking about music. For example, every time you

stream a Led Zeppelin or an Aerosmith track, you're paying, yes, a small bit of money, but you are paying money to a man who took a 12-year-old on tour with him, 12-year-old groupie, and another singer who

adopted a 13-year-old because he wanted to be with his lover so very very difficult i don't have the answers but hey at least we're talking about it glory hole hi time and people this is samantha from pittsburgh kansas i just got done listening to episode 449, Butterballs. And I wanted to let you guys know that there are small girls out there. I love big balls. They turn me on so much you don't even know. Love you guys. Keep up the good work.

Glory hole, motherfuckers. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way okay there you go i had to remind you we bring some critical thinking skepticism and irreverence to any topic that might make the news make it big or make us mad. Skeptical, Cecil. It is also political. There's no welcome. Episode 452. I'm talking of distance. It's all wrong.

It's all wrong. That sounds weird. It sounds like you're, it sounds like you're trying to get me, like put a roofie in my drink. I was like, I'm trying to seduce episode 452. I don't know.

I don't like it. I don't like it. Episode 452. I'm talking of. I don't like it. I don't like it. Episode 452. How you doing out there? Well, listen, that's a bunch of people throwing up right now. Simultaneously, thousands of phones have been thrown into a lake somewhere. That's a funny thing. Sir?

When we were kids, we were all afraid of the dark. And we grew up and we weren't afraid anymore. But it's funny how a big lie can make us all kids again. All right, we're going to start with this story from Newsweek. This is kind of hilarious. You found this. Trump trying to sell Americans a wall was eerily predicted in a 1950s TV show.

I want to read the lie, the very first sentence, because it's just so great. In what can only be described as a crack in the simulation, an episode in the 1950s television show, television western, Trackdown, has reemerged and is being

shared on social media. It features a con man named Trump who tries to get townspeople to build a wall in order to protect themselves from the end of the world. That's fucking amazing. You guys, I want to play this clip. I don't want to play it on the show

because I'm probably going to steal some of these for future use. Bumpers are so great, bumpers. But go check this out. There's a tweet in here that's embedded in this Newsweek article. It's amazing.

And there's like a little like back to school special part in the middle where he's like, when did we all, when we were little kids we're afraid and now we got older

and this guy's trying to make us afraid and it's like this really like really prescient. Yeah. I don't know. Somebody's selling fear to make you build a wall. Yeah.

It's like, here's a little lesson on human nature. It was so crazy because you're just like, like, this is one of those things that, you know, when we talk about people who make predictions. Yeah. I would have loved to see somebody make this prediction back then. Oh, right. Yeah. But this is one of those things that it's just so many factors. This is that Kennedy had a,

a secretary named Lincoln and Lincoln, a secretary named Kennedy. It's like one of those, this is going to be one of those things that they put on that. Can you believe this is true? It's like a Ripley's believe it or not. Skit. It's crazy.

You guys really listen, check it out. It's like three or four minutesit. It's crazy. You guys, really, listen, check it out. It's like three or four minutes long. It's fucking insane to listen to. The guy even sounds smarmy. He does. He sounds a little Trumpy. He sounds like Trump.

It's kind of amazing. Check it out. And I will always love you Stories from NPR Australia will consider granting asylum to Saudi woman who fears for her life. So this story has been going on all week. There was a woman in Saudi Arabia who got on an airplane and peaced the fuck out of there.

Yeah. She got stuck in Thailand and she's been stuck in a Thailand airport now for, I don't know, about a week, give or take.

It's been a handful of days. She went to a hotel and barricaded herself in and started tweeting. Yeah. And that's how people found out about her. Yeah.

She just started tweeting and she wanted to be a refugee from Saudi Arabia. Yeah. And so, you know and she wanted to be a refugee from Saudi Arabia. Yeah. And so, you know, Saudi Arabia has been in the news a lot this year and Trump has really doubled down on his relationship with Saudi Arabia, even in the wake of the Khashoggi killing. what I would consider to be bullshit, mostly, efforts at modernizing and granting some rights to the people, I think in an effort to appease the international community.

But the day-to-day lives of women in Saudi Arabia are still, without reservation, unabashedly terrible. Half of the population of Saudi Arabia are treated criminally awfully.

So much so that if somebody, think about how bad it is that if you leave a country and you were to have to go back, the probability is that your life would be over. The authorities for the temerity of your having left

and exposed the reality of your life to the outside world. For that crime, you will be almost certainly executed. That's a horrible place to live. This is a horrible ally for America to have. Oh my gosh, yeah. You know, it's interesting, a couple of things. One, the reason why she left and the reason why she was afraid is because her dad uh she she was afraid her father was going to kill her because she she came out as an atheist so the reason why she left was because

she was terrified of her father and her brother she said she suffered abuse uh from them physical abuse from them and so she fled she fled to thailand um she abuse from them. And so she fled. She fled to Thailand. She wanted to, like I said, she barricaded herself in because they were going to deport her right back. They're like, no, you don't have any other plans here. You don't have a hotel here. You don't have any tourism stuff.

We're just going to send you back because I think that's the deal that they have with Saudi Arabia. And so she just barricaded herself in a hotel and started tweeting and finally got enough attention so that people were like, oh, we got to put her, you know, she wants to be a refugee. So there's enough

attention to like put the fucking brakes on that shit. But what's interesting to me is if you ever heard of a guy having to do this, you know, have you ever heard of, heard of a guy afraid that he's going to be honor killed in that society? Because they don't honor kill dudes in that society. They don't kill women. What does that say about, well, what does that say about your culture? What is it? You know, I know that there's a lot of people out there who want to argue like, oh, you know, it shouldn't be, you know,

your culture isn't superior to other people's culture. And I'm not saying that it is, but I am saying that this is wrong, right? I can say this is wrong. Killing somebody for honor is wrong. And, you know, we can't, you can't get lost in the weeds here and think that, you know, this isn't barbaric.

This is absolutely barbaric. And the other thing I want to read, I want to read a piece of this article. It's from, it's talking about another young woman. It says, her case is similar to that of this other woman named Dina, a young Saudi woman who fled to the Philippines from Kuwait in 2017. Like Al Quinn, she had her sights set on Australia and reached out for help on social media. This is a quote from her. If my family come, they will kill me, she said in a video archived on Twitter. If I go back to Saudi Arabia, I will be dead. Please help me. Instead,

she was reportedly dragged onto a plane from Manila to back to Saudi Arabia, her mouth taped shut and her arms and legs bound. She was reportedly taken to a detention center in Saudi Arabia capital and little more regarding her location or condition is known. Well, I bet everything worked out fine. I'm sure it's fine. I will say that I took her to a Harry Potter wizarding school right afterwards. It's not that much different than how United treats its passengers.

It's true. Or dogs. Are you sure she wasn't a Chinese doctor? And again, I'm not saying that homosexuality and dealing crack are the same things. I'm just using that as an analogy, as a parallel. This is behavior. You say, look, I can't support that. I can't endorse that. I don't want to send some kind of a message that I think this is fine and appropriate kind of conduct.

So, no, I'm not going to be able to come to the grand opening of your crack house. All right, this story is from lgbtq nation evangelicals are lobbying against anti-lynching law because it includes lgbtq people uh so i wish it were significantly more nuanced than that headline it It is, however, not significantly more nuanced than that headline. You know, the idea that anybody would have an objection to an anti-lynching law because the group you want to lynch, it's like, whoa. I thought about this a little bit, Cecil. I thought about this a little bit, Cecil. Cecil, how many details would you even ask for if I proposed an anti-lynching law?

Would it even occur to you to say, well, who can't I lynch? You know, this group wants human rights. Are we sure they're human? You know? Is there any way I can treat them as subhumans? Because that really upsets me that you want them to be humans.

I feel like an anti-lynching law could be written very simply. No lynching. It's the one big no stamp. No. Hey, how do we feel about that? Should we ask like who they want to lynch? No, I don't think so. No, I don't think it matters at all.

Like when does it matter who you want to lynch? When you're considering, what is wrong with people? Like, when does it matter who you want to lynch? Right. When you're considering, what is wrong with people? Like, there's like, somebody's like, did Jesus say we couldn't lynch? I mean, they suck a dick. Like, has anyone ever? I mean, like, what if a girl touches another girl's no-no spot? Like, we have to be able. I want two things. Blackson

alarms and a lynching. Those are the two things I want. You know, it's so funny. I want to read this part of this article because I cracked up. They quote this guy perfectly in here. It's so funny. So far, they've been unsuccessful over many years past, Staver observes. Now, this is one of those douchebags

who doesn't want it to come out. But this is the way to slip it in under the so-called anti-lynching bill. And then they sort of circle the wagon, and then they go for the juggler at some point in the future. Like, there you are!

A juggler, balls in hands, and then BAM! Somebody went for you! They went for the juggler! I'll tell you what, maybe if you weren't a dude with a bunch of balls in your hands, you'd be fine. It wouldn somebody went for you. They went for the juggler. I'll tell you what. Maybe if you weren't a dude with a bunch of balls in your hands, you'd be fine. It wouldn't go for you. I love that they confused juggler with jugular. I know.

It's just like, like juggler. It's a juggler vein. It's a juggler vein. It's a juggler vein. What does that mean? It just means he's a narcissistic juggler. That's all. It's a juggler vein.

It makes sense. They got him in the juggler. Now our circus is short one half. I love Matt Staver's. This is another quote from him. The old saying is that once the camel gets the nose in the tent, you can't stop him coming the rest of the way in. I thought that was a metaphor for anal sex, actually.

You know? It's all stuck. I mean, I don't know. All right. But I can't tell you how often I've used that saying though. It's like that old, it's like that old saying monkey it up from that one guy. Oh, right. It's that guy.

Yeah. How often do you hear that old adage about the camel with his nose? Camel with his nose? Camel with his nose in the tent. You know, all of us who live in. All those great camel cliches. Actually,

to be honest, this desert blood God does have a lot of camel cliches. Cause that's where it comes from. That's right. You know what I mean? Like, like the camel can't go through an eye of a needle or whatever the fuck they said. But you can fly a gold-plated jet through it or whatever.

You can fucking Creflo Dollar the fuck. You get a gold-ass plated needle, that's for sure. Wouldn't it be amazing if somebody quoted that to somebody like Creflo or whatever, and he was like, look, I am not trying to ride a camel. I am writing a gold plated aeroplane. It'd be awesome though. I agree with you about the camel.

It would be awesome though. If his gold plated aeroplane looked like a giant camel and he wrote on it in between the humps, that would be amazing. It would be great if he called it like the golden needle or something like this. I don't give a fuck. They're going to make you conform to them. You're going to say you like anal sex.

You like oral sex. You like bestiality. You like anything you can think of to whatever it is. And sooner or later, you're going to have to conform your religious beliefs to the group of some aberrant thing. It won't stop at homosexuality. This is from the New York Times. A pastor who praised the Pulse nightclub gunman resigns after allegedly paying for sex. I want to be really super clear.

I don't give a fuck who pays for sex. I don't care. If you want to pay for it, pay for sex. I want to be really super clear. I don't give a fuck who pays for sex. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I don't care. If you want to pay for it, pay for it. If you want to get paid for it, get paid for it. Nobody cares. That is not my business. Where it is my business is when you pretend

that you are the arbiter of sexual mores. Yeah. And 49 fucking people are shot at a fucking nightclub And you're like Bully on you because you fucked the wrong way If anyone needs me I gotta pay somebody to fuck me That's true

People won't do it of their own volition They have to be induced with cash That's how repugnant I am Yeah this guy is, he's a real scummy guy, but he comes from that, he comes from that crazy Baptist church

of the fucking basement or whatever. We've seen their videos before. And it's that, it's from the same church, but he's not the main preacher from that church. So the main preacher from that church is the bearded guy.

Yeah, who goes, who travels the border and is, he's an asshole. He's a regular asshole. But it's not him. It's the other guy. who travels the border. He's an asshole. He's a regular asshole. But it's not him. It's the other guy. It's the shorter guy. We have played him on this show before.

Oh, yeah, I remember. And so, but he's, you're right. This one gets filed under the hypocrite files. Like, here's a guy who's telling everybody how their sex lives should work, and yet he's breaking the rules his own rules his rules not his own rules not our rules because i don't care what rules he breaks yeah but it's his own rules because he clearly is breaking them because i want to quote him he says i've been a

terrible husband and father you don't say that unless you think you're breaking some sort of contract between people right yeah and like let's also be clear about a distinction here. Like being gay is not a choice that you make. It's just, it's just the sex that you like to have because that's the body that you're attracted to. Hiring a prostitute's choice, right? It's not like anybody's like, oh, I'm a prostitute sexual. Like, you know what I mean?

Prostitute sexual. I don't know. Maybe we'll get there, but like, we're not there yet in terms of identity. Like, it's not you know what i mean prostitute sexual i don't know maybe we'll get there but like we're not there yet in terms of identity like it's not a thing it's just like that's a mechanism to obtain sex yeah right right so one is who you are the other is absolutely a choice so even more like egregious in this guy's worldview i would would think, you know, is like, these guys are always on about this. Yeah. Come the fuck on.

Yeah. Yeah. And we're exhorted by Peter to resist the devil, remaining steadfast in faith. James tells us to resist the devil and he'll flee. The prince of the power of the air is indeed resourceful, but my friends, he is not ignorant. We are not ignorant of his devices. Some stories from the Friendly Atheist blogs over at Patheos. James Dobson wants you to pray and fast to protect Trump from impeachment. So I want to read to you some of the comments that

he made. He said, I'm calling for a nationwide movement to pray for him. Dobson said, I'm calling for a nationwide movement to pray for him. Dobbson said, I'm calling for a day of fasting and prayer. I hope that Christian people from coast to coast will join in that time. The date is your choosing, but we do need to be praying for our president. Join in that time. The date is Wait, so we can all just do it at 8 o'clock?

Is that what he's saying? I hope that Christian people from coast to coast will join in that time. The date is your choosing. So I think he's not saying what's next. Oh, it's just one big, I see.

We'll just join in just to pray, but actually, look, we don't want to, you got to pace yourself, right? Don't fast all at once. Yeah. You might something, something. I don't know how that would work.

I don't know how it works either. We talked about this. I think the idea is not that it increases the volume of your prayer bowl. I think these people do. I think these people think this. I think there is a select group of people, maybe a large group of people out there, that thinks that it makes

your prayer more potent. I think there is. I don't think that that's wrong. I think there is also another group. It think that that's wrong i think there is also another song yeah exactly right yeah you're making exactly you're making it a little more potent yeah but i think the uh the there is a group of people out there who think a totally different thing which is that it helps them focus it helps them because prayer is meditative for them rather than so it's helping them so i think that there's two ways to look at it, right?

But I think that this guy is one of those people who doesn't, like, he thinks that it makes it more powerful. Like you're putting a little more, like gunpowder down the musket. Right. You know? Yeah, I love the idea that doing something which weakens you makes you more powerful.

Oh yeah, yeah, right. You're like swaying a little bit from side to side. Like, okay. Jesus. Oh, my God. I'm so tired. You know, I also, what I did, I fasted and I didn't sleep for three days. Yeah.

I've done a lot of math. I made a mistake. I made a terrible mistake. I don't even, yeah, I can't find, I'm fucking tasting colors at this point. I want to read this other piece. He says, it seemed evident on election night that the Lord gave us victory.

So Lord, if that's true, we ask you to protect our president from anything that could hurt him. What if the thing that hurts him

is something that he put into motion? Right? Like, let's say he did go out of his way to contact a foreign government to get information

to help him win an election. Why should we protect him from something like that? No, no, no. What you protect him from is getting caught from his own misdeeds. Right. I guess that's it. The thing is, nobody is trying to hurt him in the sense that

he's sitting around and we want to throw a brick at him. Although there probably are people. but you know what I mean? Like the people that are coming for him are coming for him in the sense that if they find out he did the wrong thing, he'll be held accountable. Sure. Sure.

And we're not talking about the wrong thing in terms of like, I disagree with your decision. It's the wrong thing in terms of like, yeah, that was illegal. You stole the election from the American people. Give it back. Please. You know, it's illegal. You stole the election from the American people. Give it back. You know, it's interesting.

I was seeing I saw an article where there was a gotcha journalist on the right who had written down a bunch of quotes about immigration from Democrats, but they were negative quotes. Right. So then he went out and found a bunch of liberal college kids and he read the quotes to them. And it's like, ha ha, look at they were actually by Democrats and you thought they were by conservatives. And I think what the person doesn't understand is that, look, I don't care who said horrible shit about immigrants, right? Whether you're Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter to me, right? I don't care. I'm not partisan in that sense. Like I'm partisan in the sense that

I want to make sure we're all empathetic. And if you're not empathetic and you're a shitty person and all you care about is you, then I don't like you, right? I don't want you making decisions for this country. I don't think you're qualified actually to make decisions for the group of people that is this country. I think you shouldn't be making those decisions. So what I don't, what I want to do is I, whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, if you read that quote to me and I think, wow, that's a horrible thing. I, I'm not going to be shocked that it's a Democrat, but there's this idea that, that like somehow I'm going to try to protect people past like from horrible shit or defend people when they say horrible shit, when just because that they're

on my side and I won't do that. Like I won't do that. Well, that's because like then they're not on your side, right? They stop being on my side, being on your side. And I think that's like that's a key difference that like there's folks that just don't get that. It's like, well, you're either on the team or you're off the team. It's like, I don't really believe that that's how this works. I think we change the team to reflect the values of its team members. Right. I think we change the team to reflect the values of its team members. Right.

And anybody who doesn't reflect the values of the team members, what we do then is we kick that fucker off the team. That's it. We don't have a team and then everybody has to join it. It doesn't work the other direction. The only responsible response to the situation is probably be like, that's terrible. Who said it? It's this Democrat. Well, if they're in my district, I want to know their names so I don't vote for them. So I can, yeah, I can vote them out. I can campaign against them.

Yeah. Yeah. That guy sucks. I want to make sure he's fired. Yeah. Ready to stick it in the glory hole? Get links to their Facebook, Twitter, and if you still use it, Google Plus account at their website, dissonancepod.com. If you need to be all discreet about it, contact them by email at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Or you can call and leave a ransom message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Want to hear Cognitive Dissonance commercial free and gain access to exclusive content, including full patron-only shows, head to patreon.com forward slash dissonance pod and become a patron to support the show on a per episode basis. Love commercials? Not ready

to become a patron? Give the guys a five-star review on iTunes or Stitcher. Or tell your buddies in the drunk tank about the show. We want to send a big sloppy glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. We don't talk enough about India. We don't. Do you know why? I can't pronounce most of the shit in this story. Be honest. You know, I'm not even lying to you.

Yeah, I mean, this guy had to pay five latkes or something like that. You're like, what did he have to pay? So this story is just terrible. Pastor sentenced to 30 years in jail. Others double lifer for raping and forcing minors into prostitution. The court also slapped a fine of five lakas on the Church of South India. I found out how much that was. It was seven grand.

Oh, is it? Seven thousand? Seven and a half. Seven thousand. It's either seven thousand or seven and a half thousand. But yeah. Okay. It's either $7,000 or $7,500. But yeah. Okay. That's probably a lot of money in India.

I don't know. I bet that's a lot of money in India. So, I mean, this is just more horrible shit. The reason that I actually grabbed this story, and I don't usually, I actually, and being honest, I don't grab most stories from India. Sure. And I don't grab a lot of the stories from India because a lot of them just frankly aren't surprising.

They're just terrible. The human rights record, some of the shit that's going on between religious groups, particularly the Hindus in certain parts of India right now are just atrocious. They're just absolutely atrocious. There's nothing fucking funny about them.

What I liked about this is people are held accountable. India's got a problem. India's got a problem with the way that they treat women, with the way that they handle sexual violence in India. And I like that these fucking people

were finally fucking held accountable because so often people will get arrested in India. Like, remember that bus rape? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. How could you forget that? There were protests over the arrests and convictions of the people who perpetrated those crimes.

So that this happened, that a Christian pastor and 15 others that were involved in basically a sex trafficking ring of children, that that happened in no way surprises me. That they were held accountable for it and severely accountable for it. Yeah. I was pleased by that. Yeah. This to me, weirdly enough, was a good news story. It's like a positive story.

I do want to read one of the things that they did though. They had this girl who they were basically sexually assaulting. She's a young girl, 14. It said, when this became routine and unbearable, the girl pleaded to be relieved, but she was told to get another one to be set

free. So get a friend, and we'll set you free. Believing this, she brought her friend of age 14, also studying in the school, but the gang sexually assaulted both of them and forced them into the sex trade taking them various places including a pilgrimage center where

is your pilgrimage center is it like pedophile island what is happening that's a weird holy pilgrimage you're like oh we're here this is so are there any teenagers anyway yeah i mean like i gotta say yeah i thought there'd be more to do yeah i just i got i did all my praying i prayed and then i was like fasted i prayed cool cool cool what uh

i gotta ring but i mean like best thing about this pilgrimage center is i keep getting older and they stay the same age. Oh, God. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. Hookah, chaka, hookah, hookah, hookah, chaka, hookah, hookah, hookah, chaka. I'm hooked on a feeling. I'm high on believing. This is fucking amazing. Oh, my God, I love this. From Cypress Mail Online.

When a bishop says, Earth is the only planet. Earth is the only planet our schools agree. This is fucking crazy. This is crazy. So, bishop, and part of the reason I wanted this is to try to pronounce these names. Okay, here you go. Anthemos of Thessaloniki. I love that after the mars after after insight arrived on mars and started like recording shit about mars so sure that's amazing we shot we shot a

shot a fucking fucking tesla car full of parts And didn't it have to like, like land and like a really crazy way. There was like a lot of error that could have happened. And then it now has to, it had to drill into the ground. It's an amazing, it's an amazing technological accomplishment. I was,

I was reading something. It had to slow down some crazy amount, like 60,000 miles an hour to like zero in like a few minutes. I don't know what the numbers offhand was just astonishingly large numbers the amount of like precision that needed to go right in order to get this thing to happen was just mind-blowing like there's a pile i i'm never i never ceases to amuse and amaze me then one part of the same globe like we're like let's shoot a robot to Mars and have it dig around and tell us

what's inside the other planet. And then like you can get on an airplane and go somewhere else on the same planet and people are like the only planet is Earth. We're like we're the same species and we're just shit. Yeah. Like some of us are like amazing.

And like then there's whole groups of us that are just like complete shit. Willfully ignorant. Yes. Willfully ignorant because there's plenty of ways in which these people could be educated. They could follow, like read all the same things, understand the world through a scientific lens. It's,

it's, we could all be this educated, but what we choose to do is stunt ourselves because we want to roll back to an ancient text and say there is no other planet. Yeah. So he was mocking. So this fucking Bishop anti-hemos or whatever, he was mocking the news story that we just mentioned about shooting a robot to Mars, saying the only planet in the universe was Earth. And then he said that he was told this theory by a formidable scientist.

What does that mean? I don't know. A scientist, like a sharp right hook? A scientist who has like a sweet deadlift PR. Whose name he couldn't remember. Oh yeah, he's a guy you can't remember. And I love that too. It's like, well, I do believe in science and scientists,

and that's how I get my information. Also, not really. I don't know any scientists. I don't know. You can't pressure me on this. I know you're going to want me to have used science. That's your thing. Look, I know this scientist.

I met him in Niagara Falls a couple years ago. I put two fingers in him, actually. That's how I knew. I love this scientist. I met him in Niagara Falls a couple years ago. I put two fingers in him, actually. That's how I knew he was telling me. I love this guy. This guy's hat is amazing. He looks like you could set a fucking, like, a vase of flowers on his head and pull the little veil. And they just fucking wobble a little and still stay. He's got one of those platform heads.

Oh, yeah. But he's also got a veil. He looks amazing. You know what he looks like? He looks like a guy who thinks Earth is the only planet. He looks like,

he looks like the bad rabbi. Like there would be a good rabbi facing off against the bad rabbi. That's what he looks like. He kind of looks like he might shoot lightning

from his fingers. Right? A little bit. A little bit. Either that or like, depends. One or the other it's hard something's gonna shoot out of him and if you have the depends there it'll catch it although nothing

fun is shot on that guy in a long time the stories from the hill steve king asked how terms white nationalists and white supremacists became offensive. You know where I already start? Is the word became. You know? Is that where you're focusing your attention? Because I think it always was. I don't think it ever became. You know?

When were we never? We can't call him boy anymore. What's up with all these N words? Why can't I use that? They say it to each other. When I slap a woman, nobody ever was okay with that. He says, that was always wrong.

He says, white nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization. How did language become so offensive? He said in a New York Times interview. Why did I sit in on classes teaching me about the merits of our history and our civilization? And I want to read, I want you to read something, Tom. I'm going to put this up here.

I found this today. I did a search for the definition of nationalism. Now, I don't want you to read the definition of nationalism, but there's an interesting piece here that says the difference between nationalism, patriotism, sectionalism, and jingoism. All right. Nationalism has a number of near synonyms. Synonyms? Synonyms. That's delicious.

Synonym toast crunch is delicious. What you do is you add a syllable to the synonym. Synonym toast crunch is my favorite. Nationalism has a number of near synonyms, each of which carries its own distinct flavor and meaning. Patriotism is similar insofar as it emphasizes strong feelings for one's country,

but it does not necessarily imply an attitude of superiority. I can almost stop there, right? You can almost stop there because the other ones imply superiority. Huh. All right, let's keep going. Sectionalism resembles nationalism and its suggestion of a geopolitical group pursuing its self-interest, but the group in question is usually smaller than an entire nation. Jingoism closely resembles nationalism in suggesting feelings of cultural superiority,

but unlike nationalism, it always implies military aggressiveness. Nice. I think that's an interesting way to put it, right? Because when you talk about it, people want to say, well, what's wrong with being a nationalist? Cause that's what he, his reply eventually is. He says, he comes out later on after this is all over. And he's like, I just want to make it abundantly clear. I reject those labels of this evil ideology, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes on and on. And he says, I simply am a nationalist. That's also bad. He doesn't know how words work, right? You don't know what this word means.

When you are a nationalist, you're saying I am superior to other nations and at their detriment, I will continue to raise my nation up. That's a bad worldview. What the fuck would white nationalists mean? White nationalists would seem to imply that the white people in the nation are in some way more, like, more entitled to the nation. That they are the true owners of the nation. more entitled to the nation, that they are the true owners of the nation. There is literally no way that white nationalists could possibly be something other than racist.

Right. It is literally impossible. Nationalists, I will grant you, somebody could not understand a nationalist, right? I would grant that these guys might think that that means I like my nation. I gotta say, though,

but when you throw white in front, right? Well, let's scroll back a little to the fucking you should be qualified. You should know what words are. Oh, no, no. Right? I'm not giving them an ounce. You're a fucking goddamn congressman, man. Right. Like, words are your thing. That's what

you do for a living is words well i'm in in no way is he not responsible for the stupid shit that he says but like there's no get out of like well you know what i really meant no you said white nationalist and then you said white supremacist why is that bad oh i don. Well, let me think about if you're not white, how would you feel there? Good. Well, you saw what, did you see what, I don't know which, which paper it was. It was one that went under. And, uh, that paper, uh, was a conservative paper here in the States. And they had said that Steve King said some awful shit. So King is talking and he says, I raised a bunch this year

and they didn't have enough bite. And I was talking about jalapeno peppers. He says, I'm guessing I'm gonna have to go get some dirt from Mexico to grow the next batch. An unidentified woman at the table says, trust me, it's on its way, right? So clearly that's, and he says, yeah, well, there's plenty of dirt.

It's come from the West Coast too. A lot of other places besides. This is the most dirt we've ever seen. And this was taken by the standard, which is not a thing that's anymore. I guess they folded. But they stood by the story. They had written it down. They stood by the story.

He called them out, and then they released the audio of this. They released the audio to show that this happened. But this guy's a scumbag. Like, he's an absolute fucking scumbag. If you couldn't figure that out from how he talks about immigrants before, right? He's the fucking calves the size of a cantaloupe guy. Oh, he's a horrible human.

Right, so he's a horrible, terrible person. But if you didn't know he was a racist before, you definitely know there's no fucking going back now, right? The dirt comment and the supremacist comment. Iowa, I know you guys couldn't fucking find your ass with both hands, but you got to fucking vote this guy out next time. What the fuck? He almost lost this time.

He should not have his seat next time. Iowa's north of the Mason-Dixon. There is no excuse for that. There really is no excuse. This guy is a fucking disaster. I do believe that atheists are parasites in the sense they're benefiting from everything that religious culture has built in America, but they're doing nothing to add energy into the system. Oh, I love this. She was a friendly atheist. Senator Kristen Sinema took her oath of office on a law book, not the Bible.

I have seen this picture a number of times. This is also the first openly bisexual woman that's being sworn in. And she did not swear in the Bible. She swore in a law book. And Mike Pence did the swearing in. So Mike Pence had to swear in an openly bisexual woman on a not the Bible. And you know that he was so uncomfortable. He had to do this for a woman.

His mom wife wasn't even there. She would have had to have been in the chamber, right? She has to be there whenever he looks or talks to another woman. Right. Oh, yeah. That's true. I wonder if he was like, can you hide in my skirt or whatever? Can you hide under my apron, mother?

You know, it's so awesome. This Kristen Sinema, this was the woman that that Andre came on and talked about. He was working for part of her campaign or at least trying to help her get elected. And this was the woman who he was saying once in a while would vote alongside with Trump. And there was the person who she was running against, who everybody thought had won, by the way. This was one of those late races that took like a week to sort out, to finally sort out. And she finally came up on the winning side. But I remember him saying like the other person votes with votes with Trump, a hundred percent of the time,

she might do it 20% of the time. We want the 20%, not a hundred percent. And so I remember this conversation about her specifically and how he was worried that she wasn't going to win because of that. And, and not only winning being openly openly bisexual, and then she swore on a law book and there's a spokesperson for Sinema, I don't know if you've read the article,

it says, told the Arizona Republic that the senator specifically used a book from the Library of Congress containing the texts of the US and Arizona constitutions. Nice. And how cool is that, that she swore on that instead of on a Bible? I hope that this is a thing that continues on, that this dam now is broken, right? So now we don't have to pretend anymore. We don't have to say, oh, I'm, you know, look at me, I'm super holy and I got this Bible and, you know, I swore on this Bible because I know that's what everybody wanted. Instead, you could just be yourself and be like, you know what? I'm going to do the law book thing. I hope that this is the future.

Isn't that what we should swear on? If we're going to go through this motion of swearing some allegiance to something, isn't that what we're pledging our allegiance to? It's just symbolically more interesting. Absolutely.

Since you're attacking us, can you give us a question? Mr. President-elect, since you are attacking our news organization, can you give us a chance? Your organization is terrible. You are attacking our news organization. Your organization is terrible. Can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir? Go ahead. Sir, can you stay?

Quiet, quiet. Mr. President-elect, can you stay categorically? She's asking a question. Don't be rude. Mr. President-elect, can you give us a question? Don't be rude. You're attacking us. Can you give us a question? You're attacking us. Can you give us a question? Don't be rude.

I'm not going to give you a question. I'm not going to give you a question. Can you stay categorically? You are fake news. Sir, can you stay categorically that nobody... No, Mr. President-elect, that's not appropriate. This story comes from the AP. Elderly and conservatives shared more Facebook fakery in 2016.

shared more Facebook fakery in 2016. People over 65 and ultra-conservatives shared about seven times more fake information masquerading as news on social media than younger adults, moderates, and super liberals during the 2016 election season.

You get an SL shirt. I don't know if you got... Did you get yours? Super liberals. Just an L shirt? That's a hat. And that's an L right on the forehead. Yeah. I love this because this is the same group of fucking idiots that

forwards a chain email. That's what I was going to say. Do you remember back in the day when you used to get a chain email or there's actual letters, chain letters that would be sent to people. Like this is the same group of people. Yeah, this is, this reminds me, um, not distressingly recently, like sometime in the last week or

so, um, but a Congress person, some representative that's actually pretty local to me did that thing on Facebook where they shared that like, dear Facebook, I don't give you permission to use my information. It's a violation of privacy, et cetera, et cetera. And like posted that as their status. Have you seen that? Oh my gosh. Go around for real?

Yeah. And it's like, first of all, I haven't seen that in years. I haven't seen that in years and years and years and years. And second, it's like, you still don't know how any of this works none of you know how any of this works and it's like yeah just you know like you guys think the trickle-down economics works you think that like the chinese invented global warming you don't know how whatever it is you don't know how it works. Like all you know how to do is like catch a mouse. Like you're just garbage. Do you remember like back in like early Facebook?

I want to say it was maybe early Facebook or no, maybe it was email even where they would like, there would be an email that would say forward this email to so many friends and Apple's going to give you an iPod or something like that. I remember that. Like those who come in. And even back then, like our generation would be like, this is fucking stupid. Like this is, that's not a real,

there's no way that you can, like you can't trace. And also you can't trace how the email came. Like that doesn't make any sense. And so like, it just didn't make, it didn't make any sense that you would get an iPod out of it. And so like, I know a lot of people who were like, that's fucking stupid. Then you have a couple people who maybe might't make any sense that you would get an iPod out of it. And so like, I know a lot of people who are like, that's fucking stupid. I know a couple people who maybe might send it, but basically it would get corrected pretty quickly.

What, what, what made me think about this is the age of the people. Are we, is it that they grew up in a time where they were subject to a lot of propaganda in the form of anti-communist propaganda in our country? And so that they're sort of pretty susceptible to that stuff. That when they see that stuff, they think it's true because it's something that they grew up sort of, you know what I mean? Like, I think also like all jokes aside, I think that there was many, many years, decades, where you trusted the news.

Yeah. And the news was trustworthy. By and large, the news was largely trustworthy. It was, you know, you turned on the news, you had sources, they weren't, they might be spinning, but they was largely trustworthy. It was, you know, you turned on the news, you had sources, they weren't, they might be spinning, but they weren't lying. They weren't making things up. They weren't reporting things that were just blatantly not true for the most part. You know, there was, there was that thing like America's most trusted news, like the idea of trusting your newscaster, of having somebody who is the face to be the watchdog for America. And it's really only the last handful of years,

maybe the last decade and a half, two decades, that we've really broken that. Yeah. And it's broken. Oh, it's broken. And it will never be unbroken. But I think that like for somebody our age, you know, I grew up in,

and I remember one of the most influential books I read as a relatively young person was Neil Postman's How to Watch TV News. Did you read that? No, I read Amusing Ourselves to Death by him. Also very good. Yeah, I think that was good. Yeah.

So he wrote a book on how to watch TV news. And it's a whole book on strategies about how to evaluate truth and editorial and like what to trust and how to trust and like what you're being sold. You needed a fucking handbook by the time I was a grown person on how to watch news.

You know, people in their 60s, that's not how they grew up. Yeah. That's not how they grew up at all. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting because you look back on movies like Network. Yeah.

You know, you see a movie like Network and how prescient it was back in the day. But that was also during the time when there was the big three networks. And those three networks were the networks that were very, like you say, the most trusted news source for everybody. And you turn on the 6 o'clock news and the 6 o'clock news was a very trusted device. clock news was a very trusted device when it used to be true that the tools to gather and report news were too expensive for regular people to have exactly yeah now you can produce anything that you can put anybody at home for virtually no money can produce something that looks nearly identical to what abc news puts out you just you can just do that looks nearly identical to what ABC News puts out.

You can just do that now. For almost, relatively speaking, for almost nothing. So, like, it's harder to tell the difference between something, a story written and manufactured by just some guy, and a story written by somebody like

that works at The Atlantic. Look at Rick Wiles' setup. Rick Wiles' setup looks fucking great. Absolutely professional. 100% professional. He's talking about the craziest shit you've ever heard in your entire life. Like babies getting sucked up by sewers. And he's a nutcase.

Like he's a literal nutcase. Yeah. But you look at his set and you're like, holy shit. That Josh Bernstein. His set looks good. He's got a green screen behind him. He's standing in front of a green screen. Now it's not perfect, right? Like you said, but it's, it's much better than Liz Croken's. Right. You know what I mean? Like Liz Croken, at least you could look at her and be like, Jesus, is she in her kitchen? Like nobody mistakes that for a studio. You know, that's a kitchen.

But these other people, like you say, it's easy to mask that. You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers! I want the truth! You can't handle the truth! This is from ET Online. Christian Bale thanks Satan for the inspiration during Golden Globe win for playing Dick Cheney.

So this is a reference to Christian Bale's performance as Dick Cheney in the movie Vice, which I did see. And he said, thank you to Satan for giving me inspiration on how to play this role. I gotta tell ya. Then he said, what do you think, Mitch McConnell

next? I don't think Bale could eat enough food or stuff enough food into his jowls to give him a Mitch McConnell role. I love how you say that. You also thank director Adam McKay for choosing him to play somebody, quote, absolutely charisma

free and reviled by everybody. He said he cornered the market on playing charisma free asshole. This is my favorite. You know what was so funny was the outrage, expected outrage, after it all happened. And Right Wing Watch is down this week, but I almost guarantee that all those dipshits out there,

all those crazy people that we cover week to week, I'll bet you they all had their knickers in a twist by the fact that he openly thanked Satan and they think it's real they're gonna believe it they're not gonna get the joke they're not gonna get that it's a joke it's a fucking joke it's a good joke it's a good joke too

it's a great joke you know he's sitting there practicing his speech that morning going I can't wait oh it's gonna be good I hope I win I want to drop this on them well he finally gets to do something funny unlike you know like Dick Cheney

yeah so you said you saw the movie and you didn't like it? I did. No, no, I did. I liked the movie very much. It's a good movie. I think it's a really good movie. Christian Bale is un-fucking-believably good in that movie. He's unbelievably good in that movie. What I thought

was really effective is, like, you watch the movie and everybody kind of knowingly laughs along at some of the terrible absurdities of the world that we used to live in in the early 2000s. And then what's so clever about the way the movie is structured is it gets you to sort of like do that like knowing laugh. Like, ah, fucking that was just also crazy. And then it will transition into something much more dire and much more serious. And you're laughing.

And then all of a sudden you're like, wait a minute. It's not funny that this happened. Right, right. It's not fucking funny. And it does. The movie is so effective in getting you to like, I'm kind of laughing along. This is this is politics as a game and it's funny. And it's, and then, you know, the movie fucking with no hesitation, just pulls that rug out from

underneath you and hits you with something. And if you're, you're just like, you just, the whole floor drops out from underneath you. And you're like, wait a minute. None of this is funny. None of this was ever funny. Why are we laughing? None of this is a game. It's not funny because you can look back at your own life and be like, oh my God, we lived through that. Yeah, and like we're still like what's really effective

about the movie is it really highlights how much we will always be living through this. It's so effective. I walked away from it, honestly, a little shaken, like, like, Oh, that's way worse than I thought. And I thought it was pretty bad. Like, I didn't think it was good. so tom we're back with a little vulgarity for charity here we are indeed my friend i have been looking forward to this you guys if you donated money to Vulgarity for Charity and you haven't heard your roast,

it's only because the response was so overwhelming. Yeah, so many people. We literally couldn't fit them all in. It was like a black guy at a sorority party. Like, it just wouldn't... You can't get it all in there at the same time. I was going to say the daycare, but that's a different...

All right. And I was going to say Eli Boswick, but that's different. All right. And I was going to say Eli Boswick, but anyway, um, Eli could fit. No, I mean, it's just awesome to have this problem. And, and, you know, I think we really do need to think about next year, how we're going to handle these roasts. We might have to do special shows or something because there was so many people this year and want to make it bigger and better next year. So we're, we're going to have to think about how we're going to handle it next year, but we definitely want to let people know if you, if you haven't heard it yet, go back and listen to episode four 48, Keith from modest needs is on, and it is an excellent, excellent interview. It's one of the best interviews we've ever had.

Noah's on for two, but man, what a great interview. What a great guy. And, uh, and this, that's where your money went. So if you, if Awesome human being. And that's where your money went. So if you want to hear where your money went and the guy who's the steward of that money, go listen to 448. Remember that you can still donate. You go to modestneeds.org. You can donate on a recurring basis.

You can donate just to a family in need. You could scroll through a whole bunch of different people that are in need right now. So if you want to donate, that option is still open for you. We're not accepting roasts until next year, but if you have extra cash and you want to donate, this would be a good use of that fund.

People still have needs. Yeah, for sure. We're going to get started on the right foot here. We messed up and we roasted the wrong person. Chris wanted us to roast his son and we weren't supposed to roast Chris, but we, well, you did. I did. I totally did. And he wants like, you know, a regular Tom Searing,

like an absolute roasting of his son. I think I can get that done. So here's the thing. We weren't supposed to roast Chris. And I guess I did. I roasted him instead of his son. And I'm sorry, Chris, I did. I meant to roast your son.

But here's the thing, man. Every day your son wakes up with some of your DNA. And that is very nearly roast enough. Almost. Because as deficient as that DNA that haphazardly holds your shitty son together is, that is just the nature part of this equation. Remember that at the end of the day chris's son what you bring to the table is you and so when you look into the mirror and staring

back at you is the empty cavernous pointlessness of your own life that is on you because you are your own fault jesus all right let's let's uh somebody else wanted i don't know why but they wanted your service. Why do you guys want this? They wanted this. They wanted this time. But this makes sense, though, because Amy wants you to roast her ex-husband Doug. So. All right. We'll give it a shot. The thing is, I don't know Doug,

right? And I don't know Amy, but I read Amy's roast request and I can say this about Doug. Doug, no one cares that you were a vet in a bullshit four-month-long oil grab mini war. Nobody would be impressed even if you went there and you did see combat as the inevitable victor of a grossly one-sided international power grab. You didn't bust the chains of Auschwitz, big guy.

All you did was sit on your ass in Turkey getting a tan and daydream about another guy in the shower. There's a reason Doug took up a habit that involves so much spitting, and it's probably because he got used to having something warm dribbling down his chin. Jesus Christ. Tell you what, Doug.

If you ever figure out how to be a man and you're trying to figure out how many of the years of your life you haven't completely fucking wasted, try counting on your teeth. Oh, shit. Okay. We have a request here from Joseph to roast people who you turn across four lanes of traffic without signaling. I'm going to take this one time. You see, in other parts of the country, you might call that person a fucking idiot

or a brain-dead fuckstick. But in Chicago, we just call you a regular driver. That's what we call you. So, hey, asshole, I realize you fucking think the goddamn world revolves around you and you're fucking late

to your multi-level marketing appointment or whatever. But maybe you should go around the block instead of nearly killing a family of four you self-centered fucking shit bag i hope somebody steals your gas cap stealing gas caps i remember that so mean and shitty it is so mean and shitty i remember when people steal hood ornaments yeah hood ornaments and gas fucker assholes and And antennas. Yeah.

It sounds like you stole a lot of different things. Let's move on. All right. We don't need to talk about this. This next bit's going to be about politicians. We're going to be doing it in the form of campaign slogans. So I'm going to go first here. Laurel wants us to hammer Steve King of Iowa.

Okay. America deserves less muscular calves. All right. Let's gang up on Mitch McConnell. I'll go first. This one is for Richard. Mitch McConnell, a chin in every pot. Mitch McConnell, human bill frog for majority leader. All right, Cecil, go at him for Kelly. All right. Mitch McConnell, as hard on the issues as microwave butter. All right, finally, Cecil, roast Susan Collins for James, please.

All right, this one would fit on a button, I think. Tobin and Squee would vote for me. All right, the next piece is going to be called a family affair. People who want us to roast members of their immediate and not-so-immediate family. So we're going to roast everyone on this list in the form of a passive aggressive post-it note left on the fridge. Tom, leave a very nice signature Tom note for Brett's dad. All right. I know it would say something like, dad, here are some extra stickers you might want. I was going to put them on the things that I want to take when you die,

but I had all of them left over when I was done. All right, next one's for me. It's Nick's brother, Alex. Alex, please stop leaving all your Michigan State or whatever jerseys all over the place. The ones with the raccoon mascot or whatever. You know, the jerseys that are all smeared with hand lotion. We both know you went to a school in Marrier Sister, West Virginia, so maybe you could root for one of those schools instead? I also found this picture of a highly sexualized

snarf from the Thundercats. It was under your jersey. It was also smeared with hand lotion. Snarf! Okay, Cecil, how about Rebecca's partner, Matthew? All right, let's see. Dear Matt,

I know you used all the coupons for adamandeve.com to make a small army of animated sex toys, and for that, I forgive you, but maybe you could spritz down your marching butt plug collection with a power washer?

The fridge is starting to stink, man. All right, Cecil. James wants you to take it to his mom. I won't be the first one. All right. This is going to be in the form of a post- to stink, man. All right, Cecil. James wants you to take it to his mom. I won't be the first one. All right. This is going to be in the form of a post-it note too. Hey, mom.

I found this I hate N-Words night shirt in the couch cushions. I think it's yours. It had a skid mark on it. Also, the blueprint for the wooden cross came in the mail from the Daily Stormer. I'm not sure why you'd need a blueprint. I mean, it's just two sticks,

but I left it on the counter with your teeth, so. There's another person requiring my services. This one is for Tim. He wants a roast of his wife, Tanya. Oh. All right, so I had a picture to go off of here. Tanya has that sort of smile that makes a man believe in the lizard people.

You know the kind I'm talking about, reptilian dead eyed ambivalent predator. Look, you know, the kind of smile that says if my tongue were just a little bit longer, I'd pluck out and eat your eyes like tapioca and bubble tea. And for real, like Tanya doesn't look mean so much as she looks bored. Me like she would hurt you for the same reason

fat people eat the whole fucking pint of ice cream because they're bored and it's just there. Tanya doesn't look so much like she has no soul

as it looks like she's trying to beat a Horcrux world record. Harry Potter joke. I do understand that joke. And here's another one. This is a different Alex. This time he wants

his brother nate roasted what the fuck happened to nate there's a picture of this guy and i am not kidding his smile looks like he's trying to pose for a bad glamour shot while getting his colon checked oh fuck nate buddy it's not 1993 you've got to make a decision here. It's beard yes or beard no. All right. The goatee thing you've got going on can't even muster the energy at this point to be ironic. Time to understand from Alex that your

wife is a lovely woman and that is amazing. It's so nice that you find yourself a nice blind woman to settle down with. So here's hoping they never cures what ails her all right another brother this time it's ashley's brother tim tim tim tim tim tim tim tim i have no idea what is happening in that picture of you shooting a shotgun and like the water wearing an american

flag bandana but like you look like the kind of guy that you are. You know what I mean? Like, you know, that guy, that guy who's just kind of everywhere, you know, the one who's only notable feature is that like every once in a while when their name appears on your phone, you remember,

oh yeah, that guy's still around before casually declining their call. Declining their call. What I mean to say, Tim, is that your most notable feature is just how featureless you are. You've got one of those faces that says, sometimes I cry a little after sex.

All right. Let's not leave out Jessica's husband, Tom. All right. This one is for Jack. Jack, I'm to understand that you're into BDSM. And if I were built like you, I would be submissive too. I mean, I don't know what Jessica looks like, but unless she also has a body by Pillsbury,

I can only hope that you remember the safe word so she doesn't hurt you too much. Who am I kidding? You have the kind of face that begs to be hurt. Also, big guy, a master's degree in anthropology? Not a bachelor's. That could be confused with the sort of youthful optimism of the congenitally stupid, but not like a

PhD, which at least demonstrates a strong commitment to your cup of noodles, but like a master's, the middle ground? Wonder what you're doing with that, Jack? It's not noted on our script, but I'm going to go out on a limb here. Say GameStop assistant manager. You think that high?

Assistant to the manager. All right, Tom. This is the only time anyone's ever requested this. Donald Trump's penis. Paul wants us to roast the little wiener here. I'll keep it small. Donald Trump has the only ballpark that doesn't plump

ever. Donald Trump has permanent whiskey dick. It's a cocktail wiener. Donald Trump's got the only dick in the world that's made out of assholes. You know, Donald Trump has a team of undocumented migrants that have to manscape area

51 millimeters. All right, you know, speaking of things that take a lot of credit, but can't get the job done, B-Rod wants us to roast a guy named Manuel. Okay. Manuel? Manuel? Manuel.

Hey, Manuel. I'm going to say Manuel. I think you're going to have to redefine the term manual labor because people will mistake it for you sitting in the back growing your copious amounts of chins. I think you're gonna have to redefine the term manual labor because people will mistake it for you sitting in the back growing your copious amounts of chins you probably wouldn't steal valor outright but you definitely would take it off someone else's plate when they weren't looking

Tom I'm gonna need to get really mean on this one Yvonne wants a roast of people the people who killed her granddaughter Jesus Christ that got That got serious very, very fast. Lenny and Penny. I should have saved this one to the end, I guess. Lenny and Penny. First of all, really? Like these names? Like what are you, cartoon villains in a comic drawn by a kid repeating the third grade?

Lenny and Penny? Come on, man. No rhyming friend names. Seriously, though, the story, the story is genuinely tragic. And tragic as it is, as awful as you are, Lenny and Penny, I want you to remember something. This is important. Because when, after your years locked in a cage, when you think that you finally have your life back, when you think that you are free, know this, know that you are not.

You will never be free. You can never be forgiven. Every miserable day of your shitty wasted lives, you are loathed and hated and nothing you can ever do or feel or say can ever in even the smallest way make up for who you are. Every wretched moment, you will always have to be you. You can't leave this behind in prison. You can't say you're sorry or convert to religion or have any of that ever matter because you are soiled and you are ruined and there is nothing in you that can ever matter. Jesus Christ. All right, cool.

That was lighthearted. Take a lighthearted break from that. Woo! Fucking dark. Jesus. I killed an eight-year-old kid. What did you, I mean, like... I don't know. I didn't expect you to take it easy on him, Tom. That's for sure. All right. It's time to get down to business. The next group of donors wanted us to roast people at their

work. So let's give them all the performance review that they deserve. First up, Sam's husband's terrible bosses. All right, David, Vicky, it's not often I get to do two reviews at once, but we're all about efficiency here, so let's not waste any time.

You know, some people confuse a little bit of power and responsibility with being important, you know, with mattering to other people. This, I am glad to say, is not something you have to worry about because you have worked really hard to foster the kind of environment everyone longs to leave. The kind of workplace so utterly devoid of soul

and heart and so Dickensianly crushing that years from now, textbooks will be written citing your workplace as the precise business plan to avoid. I would spend some time here on your five-year plan, but everyone who can will abandon you much longer before that. And at the end, when your employees each by each branch out and find other means of supporting themselves, when you have lost everything, when you have shuttered your dreams and pulled tight the last curtain across your failure, know this, that we all saw it coming. We knew and we didn't warn you because we wanted to watch you burn.

Oh, Jesus. All right, I'm going to do Jeffrey's coworker here. Jeff has been given several verbal warnings about his apparel. We told him midriff button-up shirts are not work appropriate, but he claims he cannot find one that will both fit his tiny shoulders

and his beer belly. We also reprimanded him for making out with a Ted Cruz campaign poster with a hole cut in it. We were both happy and regretful to find out he was only kissing it at the time. All right, Tom, give us a signature roast of Serena's mom's boss.

All right, I've been reviewing your performance here for some time, and I have to say that I am impressed. It is not every day that someone displays such a unique combination of small-mindedness with a total lack of interest in their own competence. I was going to offer you a cost-of-living increase,

but I wasn't sure what to offer someone who has so clearly suffered the world's first case of walking brain death. I'm going to do Rachel's here. Rachel wants someone to talk about her coworker, Justin. In between naps on 1017, Justin asked for a raise. I employ that guy. When the manager declined, Justin went back to sleep at his station.

Three minutes later, while fast asleep, someone asked Justin for a roll of dimes. This startled him. He snapped awake, screamed, will you shut the fuck up already? And promptly passed out. We've asked him to clean out his desk.

All right, Kristen, would love the world to know why she let her old employee, Elizabeth, go. Okay, that's no problem. I've actually reviewed Elizabeth's case file and everything on this firing seems

on the up and up because here's the thing, Elizabeth. When you scream and you cry and you throw shit, that means you are not to be taken seriously because the moment, the very moment that this happens, everything you do, every single thing you say is now noise.

Adults behave like adults. And if you want anyone to treat you like you matter, like you should be taken seriously, like you are more than a jumble of unchecked, childish emotions trapped in a body too large for your ability to manage it, you have to behave the way you see all the grownups around you behaving. The moment you left, the very moment, everyone began the all-too-easy task of forgetting you.

Oh, shit. All right, Suzanne's co-worker, Cecily, is up for review. Here we go. Cecily was told twice that Ugg boots and sweatpants that say pink

across the rear end are not appropriate work attire. After chest-bumping her manager and then immediately breaking down in tears, we bought her a pumpkin spice latte

and that seemed to cheer her up. All right, Tom. I presume, this is a presumption, I don't know if it's true. I presume you remember some of our trip to Glasgow?

That is a presumption. Well, anyway, there's a photo that we took there with Paul and he wants us to roast Graham. You remember Graham who showed us around the city?

I do remember Graham. He was a really nice guy. He was photobombing at the perfect moment. So he wants us to roast Graham. Go ahead. Sorry. All right, Graham,

the only way anyone would take a picture of you is the same way that anyone would fuck you by accident. Oh my God. I'm sorry. All right, Graham,

I'm apologizing this for ahead of time. Hey, Graham, find a fucking friend for Christ's sakes. Preferably a friend that is also a translator for the rest of the English speaking world. In this photo, you're peering in like a prairie dog. If prairie dogs own body pillows

of Japanime characters. The next one is a requesting a roast by Cecil's best friend. And so that has to be you, right? I mean, who else could it be? I don't know. I don't know who else it could be.

Anyway, Bridget wants us to roast their roommate who spent their dog's medication money on vulgarity for charity. What the fuck? That's a good call. That's a good call. Dogs aren't worth it.

You can get a homeless guy to lick the peanut butter off your genitals and they don't even ask to spend the night. I guess it's true. Fuck your dog. No, you can't now because you spent all the money somewhere else. The last roast of the evening, Tom, this goes to Amy who wants you

to roast her ex. Amy, I'm writing this to you, actually. Not about you, but like, this is really to you. And I guess all of these are, right? That's the thing you guys all want, like the catharsis of the takedown, to listen with ecstatically as some cruel wordplay eviscerates someone who hurt you so that you can voyeuristically swing the hatchet. I get it. That's great. I think it's a healthy and it's natural. But here's what I really think about people that hurt you. And I mean this. I mean this truly and genuinely. And I mean this without hyperbole. Hurting them, watching them suffer, raging at

their misdeeds and wishing for them ill fortune, that's all fine and good. But if someone hurts you, really hurts you, the very best thing, the sweetest thing, the only thing to do is to swiftly, immediately, and irrevocably eradicate them from your mind. Offer them not a passing thought, not a single emotional or chronological moment. With no remorse, with no equivocation, without conversation, or a moment of reprieve, without explanation, or a single raised word, let them immediately die for you forever. Vanish them from your life. Discard as meaningless any moments of your life they touched, not because those moments

are soiled, but because those moments are dead to you, flat and emotionless. Walk away and never look back. Let them die a death in you that is final and total and complete and without mercy. And let them know that the moments you shared are nothing by eradicating those moments from any soft space within you and forgetting them. Sunshine. All right. So we're not done yet.

We're done, thankfully, with that. But we're not done yet. There's still a couple hundred rows to go. I have so much left. But we're not done yet. There's still a couple hundred roasts to go. I have so much left. But we won't stop until we finish. So listen to the Scathing Atheist podcast

to catch the other roast segments and we should have one more on this show, I'm thinking, in the near future. We're not sure exactly when. Remember, you can still donate. Even if you didn't get a roast,

you can help a family in need. Just go to modestneeds.org. So we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons. We want to thank our most recent patrons, Carl J., Patrick Jack, Bisingular, First Atheist President, John, Brandon, Molly, The Chris, and Nate. Thanks so much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. We got a message from Jeffrey. He's asking, is the link to the doormat broken? It looks like it is, Jeff.

Sorry, man. Sorry, we did have a welcome mat. I got to take that off the website this week, but we maybe have to go find somebody to make new mats for us. Anyone know how to make a welcome mat? Yeah, we're going to have to go find another welcome mat dealer to make welcome mats, but they are not available currently.

So we apologize, Jeff. And if anybody else out there was looking to get a welcome mat, there are no welcome mats. We got a GIF. This is fucking hilarious. This is from Aaron. It's a Bert and Ernie GIF. And I saw it and I fucking loved it.

So we're going to put on this week's show notes. This is episode 452. We got a message from Adam and he says, my girlfriend tells me my balls are beautiful all the time. Is she lying to me? Yes. Yes, she's lying to you, Adam. She's fucking absolute. No woman would ever

say that. She's only saying that because maybe she likes you. I don't know. She's just being nice. She's just humoring you. Yeah. This is like... There's nothing... Your balls are like everybody else's balls. They're fucking disgusting. They all look

like chicken skin walnuts. It's... Imagine this, Adam. Imagine if your pancreas fell out and was dangling from your person. Nobody compliments your prolapsed anus. Nobody does that. Nobody's like, that is a great prolapsed anus you have.

Every part of the male anatomy is designed for a woman to close her eyes during sex. It is a utilitarian mask. It can do this like that's it we got a message from Kernan and Kernan wants to tell us

because we mentioned before that you know it was on last week's show where we said if you're a little older than a certain age you should hire a 14 year old

to help you out and he says grandpa always isn't illiterate I'm a 59 year old creative director and I have to monitor age, you should hire a 14-year-old to help you out. He says, Grandpa always isn't illiterate. I'm a 59-year-old creative director, and I have to monitor what most of my branding my clients do. I had to talk to some younger clients about using the acronym FAP in their annual report. That's amazing. He said, I finally just told the CEO to Google it. Hilarity ensued. Another had to be talked down from believing that manifest destiny meant creating your own reality and slapping an ad on it.

Are you fucking serious? Oh, God, your job sounds terrible. That's the worst. We got a graph, Tom, from Caleb. This graph is terrific. It compares the number of women on the Republican side to the Democratic

side. And as a countermeasure, it also compares the number of people named Mike. And on the Republican side, there are more people named Mike than there are women. I think that's incorrect.

I think they're equal. That's hilarious. Thanks, Caleb. Still working on equality, man. Oh, that's funny. Tom, we got a message. And this one, this one's from Terrence. And Terrence has a question.

He says, he says, do you think that the nature of atheist conversation on social media is determined more by social media bringing out the worst in people or is it inherent in atheism? Well, I guess, you know, I don't know, is atheist conversation particularly more vitriolic? Is that the suggestion? I think that it's more poisonous than other social media conversation. I don't know. I think so. I'm not sure I believe that that's the case. I would say that any time that you have conversation which revolves around political issues, identity issues, issues of religion, issues that are fundamental to how people see and view the world, those are issues which are going to be deeply emotionally fraught. Those issues may come up more frequently

in atheist groups. I don't think that if there is more vitriol, it's because atheism as a sort of concept brings that up more. I think there would be plenty of places you could go on the internet and on social media to find similar types of conversations and run into the same level of vitriol. I don't think there's anything more vitriolic about atheist social media than, say, if you were to go to a conservative social media page. Sure. You know, the question comes up

because Terrence wants to separate himself from sort of the vitriolic stuff that's happening. And one of the things he says, he's sort of going to maybe pull himself away from a couple of fan pages and whatnot. And I say more power to you. You shouldn't ever do anything or interact in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes you want to not do it. right? I mean, like, I've stopped checking Twitter a lot. I check it maybe once a week now. If there's something important and you tweet it at us, Ian will tell us about it

because Ian checks it all the time. But I do not. Like, I do not check Twitter very often. I don't bother to tweet things out very often. Twitter's just not my thing. And actually, to be honest, there was, I kind of hate the at stuff

when people at us and sometimes say shitty stuff to us. So I stopped, I really kind of steer away from it now. I don't do it because I find that either I'm misreading how they're writing it

or whatever, because if I respond harshly as I think they responded to me, they always attack back, Well, why are you getting so upset or what? You know what I mean? Like, so I can't tell tone on Twitter because there's just not enough space to cushion anything. Everything's got to be blah. And so I just, I can't, I can't figure out tone on Twitter. So I just don't play there. Um, I also don't, to be honest, I don't play a lot with political and other things on Facebook because it's just not fun for me. The fun that I have with politics is talking to my friend about it. That's the fun I have. I don't have fun talking

about it on Facebook. And it's not for me, that's not interesting. So don't I would say that if you do like, you know, like like you say, like a couple of fan pages and you want to you like the fan pages, but the conversation there is pushing you away, then don't worry about it. Like that's okay. It's okay to not be involved in those spaces. Yeah. Find the ways that, that social media makes you feel good.

Right. And whatever that is and however you need to use it, it, that's all it's for. Yeah. It's a game. It should be something fun in your life. And if it's not fun in your life, you don't have to use it, that's all it's for. It's a game. It should be something fun in your life. And if it's not fun in your life, you don't have to use it. I will say, like, I don't use it at all anymore. And for me, there's no downside.

It's okay to not use it just like it's okay to use it. Yeah. So if you can find a way that it is a fun, enjoyable part of your life, make it a fun, enjoyable part of your life. If it's not something you like, you're not missing, I don't think that you're going to feel bereft for its absence. Because

if what's being described is a very negative experience by our email or by our fans. So, I think you'll be okay. I think you really will. Yeah. Well, that's going to wrap it up for this week.

We are going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, ac bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil

and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative acupunctuating, pressurized stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox,

reflex, foot massage, death and towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Gloryhole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.