Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 453: Hamberders

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Hey guys, Jason in Iowa here. I just heard the last episode about Steve King. It makes it look so stupid that we have him there. But you have to remember, Steve King's district is like the western third of the state. There's nothing there. It's very underpopulated

and it's full of raw folks. You got to cut us some slack. Anything from like Des Moines East, if we would just have that as a state, we would probably be as liberal and progressive as Minnesota. So you can't blame us for that western third.

But yeah, we're hoping Steve King gets out of there, and those people should be ashamed of their vote for him. And once he's gone, we can maybe see a good state come out of the Midwest here. All right. Glory hole. Hey, you dirty sluts. This is Jay from Seattle. I was just listening to your latest episode about you're talking about prayer

and fasting, what the fasting is supposed to do and in my experience with 25 years as a crazy right-wing fundamentalist baptist retard which thankfully I've risen above at this point um the point of fasting is to essentially cause discomfort which is supposed to remind you that you've got a goal or purpose and it's supposed to be like something that comes to me on your mind to remind you that you're supposed to be praying for baby Jesus or Papa Donald or whoever the fuck it is you're supposed to be praying for. It's stupid and it's pretty ridiculous. And a lot of times I've seen it get actually pretty dangerous where like Pastor like pastor i had one point loss like 40 pounds because somebody in the congregation had cancer we just wouldn't stop fasting season one so anyway that's all i'm here to say glory old bitches

hey guys this is bex from the shitty pocono pennsylvania i'm just calling for the first time i'm a long-time listener. I love you guys. I want you to know two things. A, enough with the new intro. Just keep it how it was. I like it. I think we all like it. And B is I fucking love balls. They're amazing. So just to piggyback on what that chick said last week, you know, don't knock them till you try them. Glory hole, motherfuckers. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. You flip the button, press the switch there. Did all the knobs.

Is there a knob to twiddle? Try twiddling a knob. See if the lights come on. There's no knob. There's always a knob. Look under the butt. There's a knob. There's a knob.

Well, you've got it all sorted out. The button recorder. It's going. Putting the sounds in its house or however that works. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago. This is Cognitive Dissonance.

Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political.

And there is no government. This is episode four. Well, you know what? I like this episode four, three, three. I would like to say that there is no government,

but what we really mean is 800,000 people are furloughed, but that doesn't really mean anything because 450,000 of them are just slaves or whatever. They're just not getting paid. Yeah, they get to go to work, but they don't get to get paid for the work. I have a friend. We have a long and storied history of doing that to people. I have a friend in the justice department,

and he was telling me, yeah, I have to go in one day a week, and all the cases that I'm working on, someone else to go in one day a week and all the cases that I'm working on, someone else works on for one day a week. So they're basically rotating the schedule. And he's like, and basically, I can't do anything with any of their cases, but I just say I'm working on them.

Literally, they can't all go in. What are you supposed to do with them? They have to go one at a time. And so they're all just going in one at a time. You know, so we're on day infinity five or something. Of the shutdown. And all Trump would have to do is snap his fingers with the infinity gauntlet on and just boom.

He could end this entire thing and kill half the population at the same time. I think at this point I would be satisfied if he settled for half the population. I think the workers would be too. They'd be like, is that the sacrifice? If 2020 rolls by,

we still have half of us. If we're like, hey. To be honest though, that might be good. Yeah. If we have like better odds than Flippy Cup

of getting it to 2020, we're be good. Yeah. If we have like better odds than Flippy Cup of getting it to 2020. Pretty good. Because I'm not sure that we do. But yeah, we're on day. Who gives a fuck anymore of this fake shutdown? And I say fake shutdown because, you know, there's some bullshit around this shutdown, right? Because we shut it down and then we say, well, but a lot of you guys really need to come to work.

So you get to come to work, but we're not going to pay you. And then what that does, part of the message that that sends to the larger populace is that, well, you can shut the government down on my day just goes on as normal. It doesn't matter. Huh? Maybe I don't need the government. Maybe you shut the government down and all that happens is some fucking hillbillies go off-roading through Joshua Tree and nobody picks up the garbage at Yosemite. Right?

Right? Yeah. But like, that's only because 450,000 of these people are going to work for free. Yeah. That's it. And they're like, they're your air traffic control guys people they're your tsa like if we want to really like be true about this shutdown well we need to shut it all down yeah we need to shut down the fbi except for the collusion part let's keep going with that yeah

we shut down the fbi so like those guys are coming to work for free i'll tell you what yeah no shit right because i'll tell you what like the first kid that gets kidnapped that calls the fbi and like we're not working today. Yeah, sorry, we're busy. That's a big story. I tried to get on an airplane to go see, to go to my grandma's funeral, but there's no airports anymore.

There's no TSA. We're just not doing that anymore. Like let's do this where we are honest about what government means and what government provides to us so that when we do shut it down, it's not this bullshit half measure. You went to work for free for a month nonsense that we're going through now

because we're just fucking lying to each other. Yeah. That's all we're doing. You know, it's also a bullshit shutdown in the sense that this could be ended so quickly by so many different parties, right? Oh yeah.

Mitch McConnell has had legislation tried to pass a couple of times and he stifled it. Right. There's been a, the president could end it at any point. One of the things that that they keep on pressing is this border. It's border. It's got to be a wall. It's got to be a wall.

The government, the the the Democrats came back and said they really wanted to steal one. So we're picking out the fucking carpeting on the wall. But, you know, like like this, it's a bunch of bullshit. It's a it's a bunch of bullshit. It's a bunch of bullshit. They could easily fix this. And the House and the Senate have both come back with bills that could pass that

would provide for border security and open the government. And they haven't been hearing them because they don't have those magic wall words in them. Right. And, you know, like this is not what the president's job is. This is not what the executive branch is designed to do. The legislative branch are the guys who are supposed to write the fucking laws. That's why

we call that the legislative branch. And the executive branch is there to fucking sign it and to enforce it. Sure. That's it. Yeah. This sort of bullshit where the president sets our national agenda and then tells Congress to go get it done. That's senior management, middle management shit.

That's not three co-equal branches. Right, exactly. If I say I want a wall, go figure out how to build me a wall, well, then I'm senior management telling middle management go build me a workflow. That's not what we're supposed to have here. It's just not. The president doesn't get Congress to put a bill together that he likes.

He should not be able to shut down the government in order to, you know, fucking fold his arms across his chest and have big pouty face time because he didn't get fucking mashed potatoes for dinner or whatever. Do you think that that's a symptom of Trump coming from sort of that world

where he is the CEO that he thinks that that's how it works? I think that's part of it. I also think it's part of the, um, God, two and a half decades long overreach of executive power. Yeah.

You know, I think you're right. So I think we've, I think we've, we've really changed or gotten confused about what the role of the president is. And it certainly has evolved from, from what was a co-equal branch of the president is. And it certainly has evolved from what was a co-equal branch of the legislative and judiciary to this new sort of head honcho emperor sort of role that we've got now. And this is a bullshit. This is part of what

happens when you have this new power structure, this new power dynamic where the president is really fucking in charge in ways that I don't think is intended to really be in charge. It's interesting, too, because you know that the people that are on the Republican side currently don't mind the overreach. Right. They don't care and they want that overreach. As long as it's Republican overreach. Exactly. Right. But then if it's a Democrat, that's not that's not good. And they're like, oh, Obama, too that overreach. As long as it's Republican overreach. Exactly right. But then if it's a Democrat. That's not. That's not good. And they're like oh Obama too much overreach. And so there's never going to be.

Unless you have the presidency. And the house and the senate. And are committed. To stopping the overreach. Then you'll get it done. But you have to stifle your own power. And it'll never happen. And nobody does that.

That's the thing. My worry is like those floodgates are open, that ship has sailed. It's like whatever your metaphor is, like that's done now. Yeah. That's done now. The only thing that does give me pause is that, you know, what we're seeing in this tension, what we're seeing in this shutdown is the legislative body actually exerting some of the control that they're designed to exert.

Right. So they're holding strong on this as the only thing that is going to begin that equivalence process that we need to begin to reestablish. Sure. I hope that we do it. I genuinely, like, I hope that we do it. Because all of this stuff, this is all bullshit, man. First of all, like a bill was passed to provide back pay to the furloughed workers, right? But what's shocking

is that unlike the bill in 2014, which passed unanimously, seven Republicans as part of the Freedom Caucus voted against this bill. Freedom Caucus. Freedom. You have the freedom not to get paid for that work you did. Freedom Caucus. And one of the things- And ride a bald eagle. Freedom not to get paid for that work you did. Freedom caucus. And one of the things that... And ride a bald eagle. I don't think they make that sound. That's the sound eagles make.

I've watched the Colbert show. I don't think they make that sound. You didn't watch Colbert. They come in, they... No? No, I don't think so. What sound do they make? Do they make a sound?

They make that... That really high pitch. Do they really? Oh? They make that, that really high pitch. Do they really? Oh no, they need a cacaw. No, we need, we need to pass a law. They need to cacaw. I can't do it.

We need to change it. They hiss like a snake? They do. What are they, a house Slytherin? Well, they hiss like a snake because they're grabbing the snake from the ground

and treading on it. No step on snake. Like seven of these dudes were like, yeah, we're not voting to give back pay to the furloughed workers. And one of the objections was like, look, this,

this basically puts the government on autopilot. If this thing goes on for three, three or six months or longer, we don't want these guys getting paid for not working. It's what they said. It's like, they want to work. Yeah.

They want to work. You're you don't want the TSA. Like imagine. So shit. It's like, they want to work. Yeah. They want to work. You don't want the TSA. Like, imagine. What a shit show. So like, let's use the TSA as an example, because it's a nice example for a lot of reasons. Like, we have this idea, and I also read an interesting article that said like, well, maybe part of this is Trump's ingenious attempt to show that we can operate on a shoestring, that we can cut half of the federal

workers out of the budget and we're still operational. Well, you know, you have to define operational differently, right? Because like, yeah, the fucking benefits coordinator at the TSA doesn't have to show up for work for 25 days, right? And that sucks. But like you can't, and the TSA, the planes will continue to go in and out for 25 days, but like there will come a time where we need to hire people and fire people and administrate their benefits. And somebody wants to go on maternity leave and someone's got to do all that. And we can't pretend that because it's not mission critical, that it is not critical. That's such a great point, right? Business has to, it requires all that stuff.

It requires all those pieces. Imagine your company, if you fired your HR guy, right? Just use an example. You'd be all right for a week or two, but you would not be all right for six months. You can run on fumes. Right.

You can run on fumes. That's possible. But the fumes run out eventually. Yeah, because eventually your business changes, you know, whatever it is, and you need to do the things that those people do and you'll look around and you won't have the expertise to do them. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And it's, it's like, these people are working and they've been working for the better part of a month for free. Now we used to have a name for that, you know, and if you didn't show up, we sent dogs after you and it was a whole thing. Yeah. Don't get me started used to have a name for that. Yeah. You know, and if you didn't show up, we sent dogs after you, and it was a whole thing.

Yeah. Don't get me started. We had a name for that. They had a subway or an underground railroad or something. I don't know. There was a bathtub man or something? I don't know. It doesn't... I don't know. Just very hairy. So, but like, we have these folks that are going to work, but there's going to come a time

where they're not going to be able to afford to continue to do this. Right. And let's be real. Like the TSA, they're going to get a job working security somewhere to feed their family. Man. And your planes aren't going to go out. Right.

Because somebody's, right now, right now, these things are true. Somebody's car got repossessed because they were one payment away because they were living paycheck to paycheck and they didn't get it.

Somebody's car just got repossessed. That's the thing that just happened. Somebody wanted to buy a house. Now they're late on all their payments and they don't qualify for the house they wanted to buy, which means somebody else didn't sell the house, which means that somebody didn't move and somebody else didn't move

and somebody's kids didn't go to school. The effects of this are not just, well, they went to work and then they'll get a check when they're done. Like there are costs we don't remunerate for these folks that would even be difficult to quantify, but which are nonetheless real.

Another thing that's been happening recently is there's been, we talked about it on last week's show about Steve King and his racist comments talking about the white nationalists. Go Iowa! Go Hawkeyes! What's wrong with white supremacists, guys?

I'm just curious. When did that become a bad word? Why is that? Oh, let's make a Gillette commercial about white supremacy. You can't even whip a black guy in the street anymore or something. Can't even shave him bald with a Gillette razor.

Can't even bully black people anymore. It's funny because there's so many people turning on him. Even his bass, I was reading something where his base, they went to go to fucking Iowa where all these corn goblins are in the far, far reaches of Iowa by Mordor or whatever. And they show up and all these people are like, yeah, I voted for him in the last 160 elections or whatever, but I am never going to vote for him again.

And not because they don't like him, right? They're saying, I like him. I like Steve. He's a great guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But this is just going to kill him is what they're saying. They're already finding primary candidates to run against him in 2020. They're already looking.

And all they have to do is find a guy who doesn't support white supremacy in 2020. They're already looking. All they have to do is find a guy who doesn't support white supremacy in 2020. Here, buddy, don't wear any orange and blue with stars. If you can do that, or this hood. If you don't do either of those things, like, this is the bar Iowa's trying to

slither underneath. And I do want to point out that it is the far reaches of Iowa. It's not like a city. Because someone sent us a message like, hey, man, it's not a city. There's not a city out there. I will apologize for that, too. Nobody thought Iowa had city.

Nobody thought. I was surprised by it, too. Like four dudes jerking each other off in a corn silo is a city in Iowa. Are you kidding me? A city in Iowa? What would a city? What's your city? Des Moines?

What do you have an Arby's? Des Moines? That's not a city. Have you been to Des Moines? I got to see how many people. Oh my God. Two 17. My town.

My suburb has more people. My condo has more people. My condo has more people. 217,000. Your next biggest city is 132,000. Oh, I was, oh my God. Cedar Rapids is where it's at.

That's where that big road, a roller coaster, right? And Cedar Rapids. No, no, no, no,

no, that would be fun. They don't do that in Iowa. in Cedar Rapids? No, no, no, no. No, that would be fun. They don't do that in Iowa. Iowa City is scraping the bottom with 75K.

Oh, my God. Two, oh, my God. You know when Omaha almost doubles your show? I know. Whoa, the big city of Omaha, Nebraska. But Steve King,

you know, we didn't get it on election night. We didn't get our wish on election night, but probably next election or maybe even sooner. There's a possibility. Am I asking him to step down sooner? I'm you know, here's here's something that like we should all be ashamed of together. Like I think this show is going to have a collective of shaming. We're in a place where we just excised all of these cancers from our system because they're treatment of women, right? And we've decided, like, you can't play here anymore.

Like, you're out. You're not welcome. Right. Unless you're Brett Kavanaugh. But other than that. Well, I'll grant you that one for sure. But, you know, like, we got rid of Al Franken, for example, because he took a photo that was in very, very poor taste.

Right. That is, that pales in comparison to this comment. No, absolutely. That like those many of those moments absolutely pay. And not to suggest that they're not serious, But what I find disturbing and shameful is that this isn't the same kind of automatic grounds where we're not just like, fuck, wait, you said what?

Yeah. You're out on your ass. Not like, oh, we're not allowed to sit on these committees anymore. Yeah, that's what happened. You're not allowed to sit on these committees. He got pulled out of two committees. Yeah, you're fired. Yeah. If somebody at my work said that, they're gone. They have the power to censure him.

They have the power to stop him from speaking at all. They need to remove him from office. They need to put enough political pressure on him that they remove that fucking guy from office. Where somehow he gets out. Force him to resign. Force him to resign. I think that's absolutely true.

Do you want to talk a little bit about this Gillette ad, Tom? Let's. It's the best ad I ever saw. It's the best. I can get. This ad can get is Gillette. So this Gillette ad came out this week. It's causing a big stink.

A lot of people are talking about it. And that was the aim. I mean, let's just get that out of there. The aim is so that people talk about it. And we want to get that out of the way first. Gillette knocked it out of the park in terms of like creating a cultural phenomenon. Absolutely, right?

Yeah, just like that Nike ad that we were talking about before when we talked about on the show, that Nike ad with Colin Kaepernick. So yeah, like they did a good job of making sure that they could, you know, that people are going to talk about it. But the ad, if you haven't seen it,

find it, it's everywhere. But if you watch the ad, the ad is basically a, it starts out with talking about like sort of old-timey Gillette ads, the best a man can get. And then they start talking about

all the different things that are happening recently. Toxic masculinity, the Me Too movement, you know, those cyberbullying. And then it goes through a sort of very heartstringy ad of showing people getting bullied,

showing people getting sexually harassed, showing people getting, you know, talked over in meetings and things like that, like women getting talked over in meetings. And then it finally ends with people sort of standing up to those people and saying,

hey, fucking knock that shit off and men can be better, basically. What the end message is, men can be better. And we both saw the ad. Tom hadn't seen it until a few minutes ago. We watched it together. I had watched it this week because our fan page is blowing up about it. A lot of people talking

about it. And a lot of people feeling a little threatened by it. A lot of guys feeling a little threatened by it because their immediate reaction was, well, hey, man, I'm not like that. I don't need a commercial to tell me not to bully people.

What the fuck? I would never do that. I feel like I'm being preached at by this commercial and stuff. And one of the things that I want to mention, I mentioned it on the fan page, but I want to mention it here

is that I understand that reaction. I understand the pushback to that reaction. I understand that reaction because on this show, you and I, a while back, we had used a trans slur and we didn't know it was a slur. We said it. Two days later, we got a message from a listener who said, hey guys, just so you know, that's a slur. They knew that we didn't mean it. And they sent us a media guide along with it. And initially, I remember talking to you about this. I was a little angry about getting that email. And I was angry because I felt like I was an ally.

The whole time I've been an ally to this movement, to LGBT movement. I've been an ally the whole time. And I felt like, well, don't you listen to us? Like, what the hell? I mean, come on. You know that I'm with you. And I stopped and I thought about it.

And I thought, there's going to be somebody out there. A chance that somebody'm with you. And I stopped and I thought about it and I thought, you know, there's going to be somebody out there, a chance that somebody's out there and they're going to hear that slur that I made and they're going to be hurt by it. And why should I hurt somebody just for my own selfishness in that way? So I stopped using it. You stopped using it.

We haven't used it since. And so I understand being part of a group that's being called out and saying, well, wait a minute, I'm a fucking ally here. I understand that. But there are people out there who need to see this ad and hear this stuff because they're the target, not you. You're not the target. You know, there's something that's like, a couple of things. One is just a throwaway comment, but I think it's interesting that Nike and Gillette and other companies of similar, they're able to generate buzz simply by making media that puts them on the right side of history. history. And it occurs to me that it should be harder to get attention than to just say the things which we know are easy truths about how to be on the right side of history.

Sure. The fact that it is not, the fact that this commercial is controversial tells you everything you need to know about this message has not obviously reached everybody. If this message had already reached all of its audience, if there was no necessity for this kind of messaging, then this messaging would be like, yeah, whatever, I don't remember that commercial. Right.

It would just wash over you. It would be like any other commercial. It would be like a G.I. Joe PSA. It would have no more emotional impact than that, right? The fact that people are so reactive to it is enough in and of itself to say like, well, there's still a lot to react against here. There's still something going on that this speaks to.

I, like you, when I first saw it, thought, yeah, absolutely. I just, I don't see a problem with it. But I also understand if somebody is, you know, getting, they have that pushback, they have that natural reaction to push back and say, not me. And there's that, that joke, hashtag not all men or not all, you know what I mean? Like, you know, because it was, because it was. So I'm pretty sure it was a reaction to the Me Too movement, but it was, it was that not all men hashtag, right? Because women were saying, look, I was

sexually harassed or assaulted. Me too. Another woman. I was sexually harassed or assaulted. Me too. Basically saying me too, me too. And there's a bunch of guys who feel threatened by that. I've never done that. I've never done that. Not all men do that. That's not what they're saying, right? And the problem is that you're missing each other. Like you're missing each other. One person saying one thing, the other person is thinking that they're talking to them. They're not talking.

It's not about you, man. And that's the problem is that people want to make it about themselves. It's not about you. Yeah, I think that that's like when you watch the Gillette commercial, I think that's a great point, right? The Gillette commercial is not about like, you're probably doing this, cut it out. Yeah. Right?

I think if you watch the Gillette commercial, what struck me about that commercial, I watched it just a handful of minutes ago, and I thought like the part of the world I don't want to live in is a part of the world where like, I watched that commercial and then somebody says,

well, that was controversial. Yeah. Right. Right. Like I look at that commercial and I think like, yeah, that's like,

like that's basic enough that like, if that's what you teach your kids or that's how you behave, that's, that's literally a minimum standard. Yeah. You know, that's, that's minimum standard shit. Yeah. literally a minimum standard. Yeah. You know? That's minimum standard shit. Yeah, don't bully people, right?

Yeah, I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, right, right. And like, there's a scene in it. Let's talk a little bit about like some of the pieces of it. There's a scene in it where like, these people are at a barbecue,

and this one kid is beating up another kid at the barbecue. And the one dad turns to, and he's like beating up the little kid. And he like turns to him. He's like, ah, boys will be boys. And then the other dad just comes over and is like, hey, that's not how we behave.

And I thought like, who doesn't do that? Who just watches some kid beat up another kid? Your kid is beating up another kid. And you're just like, ah, it's just what he does. Like sometimes he just hits people. Like, holy shit, I wouldn't let my dog bite people. Yeah, right. I'm not an asshole.

Like you're not trying, like, like these moments are so basic. And I watched this thing and I thought like, my God, if this is controversial, we aren't there yet. Oh, yeah. We need it. Then we still need it. Shame on us. Yeah, we still need it. Shame on us for having a controversy

absolutely I can't think of a moment of that commercial that is controversial and so like when it happens and then there's this big like oh it's now this cultural moment you know we all have to contend with the message of the Gillette commercial

oh my god well what's the message well you know the message is don'tette commercial. Oh my God. Well, what's the message? Well, you know, the message is don't play grab ass with your secretary. Right? I'm being honest. I'm Troy McClure. You can't do this anymore. You know, like,

and like, when a woman speaks, don't say what she really meant was. Oh gosh. Okay. Yeah. I mean, unless you knew what she really meant. Or if you could say it better because she told it to you the day before.

Or you're her interpreter. Those are the three ways. I'll allow either one of those. I mean, like, for fuck's sake. There's nothing to react to except for to be like, oh, God, we shouldn't need that. It's like, if you fart in public,

do you know what I mean? And somebody looks at you and is like, the fuck did you, what the fuck? And it's like, Oh, should I fart here? No.

What did you, were you raised by animals? What is wrong? It's happening commercial people partying and farting in public and everyone's just waving and being like what is happening over there stop doing that it's like for real like if if this is controversial then maybe we don't get better than this you're right like maybe maybe that's it like maybe like the best a man can get is be like, I'm going to use the razors to slip my wrists in the bathtub tonight because I can't live like this.

The best we can get is global warming will kill us in five years. That's the best we can get. I mean, like for real, that kid in that video is like walloping on the other kid. And the moment I'm supposed to be like, huh, that is crazy. But the dad's like, that's not how we treat other people. Or like, it's like the kid is being bullied.

He's being chased by like enough kids that a luck dragon is his only hope. Exactly. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. There's like six kids chasing this guy. And like, I've never in my life been in a situation where six kids

are chasing one person. I've never been in that situation either. They caught me and beat me up already. But if I were, and I was just like, well, that kid's going to get his ass kicked. Anyway, hot dogs for lunch. Right. What the fuck? Right. What the fuck?

No, we can't even live in a world where these messages are not taken for granted. That's the depressing part. That's the part we should all be like, well, that's... Trump's the president and somehow we turned left on the continuum.

Like, I don't know what happened here. God has no place within these walls. Just like facts have no place within organized religion. Okay, so here we go on this one. This is from the Friendly Atheist blogs over at Patheos. Indiana.

Try to restrain your shock, Cecil. So GOP legislator in the great state of meth sponsors bill to teach creationism in public schools. This is state Senator Dennis Cruz, and he's been around for actually quite a long time yeah uh not a not a new guy to the legislative scene in indiana all right so here's what here's what senate bill 373 actually requires there's three parts of this bill these by the way will do so much to help the children for the learnings. Right. Like, you could put these up in the fucking Zoolander school for children who don't read good or whatever.

My favorite is the first one. Like, absolutely. So here's what you have to do. The first tells schools to put up a, quote, durable poster or framed picture. Durable poster. Why? Is someone going to ejaculate on it? What is happening? Oh, man. is that a semi-permanent poster

uh i don't know the answer that's there is that durable is it can you rip it why do we have all these posters made out of rice paper i don't even understand why we're doing this tore right in half well you tore it what the fuck just don't do that super dainty and you're like trying to pin it on the wall. Fuck it, rip together. God damn it. This is 300-year-old parchment. Like, what the fuck? A durable poster or frame picture that says, in God we trust.

And it says, don't think you can get away with a small little thing either. Bill specifies the poster must be at least four inches in height by 15 inches in width. Wait, that's not very big, is it? Well, I mean, it's girthy. Four inches? 15 inches in width.

Four inches. Let me pull out my deck. Four inches of height. Okay, so three decks. Three and a half? Four decks. Four inches in height and then 15. Isn't that like a legal pad folded in half?

Like, that's really not that big. And it must include print large enough to fill the dimensions established by this subdivision. I like that, too, because some asshole administrator like me would be like, I will have four inches by 15, and I will print that thing in, like, .25 font. Exactly.

In the upper left-hand corner. In the electron-scanning microscope. I'm going to print it on the atom. It's got to say say in God we trust. There's a couple of things about that. One, how do you know how much I trust God? We're trying to enforce the level of trust that you have in a deity. You're going to send them off to their trust-o-meter.

How exactly do you measure? them off to their trust-o-meter? How exactly do you measure? You know, like in any relationship that has trust, the relationship has to have something you trust someone to do for you.

Or to not do for you. So I'm not even sure how you would trust God. Like, what would I trust him to do? Like, I got cancer. Well, I trust God. Fuck. Okay, I would have trusted him more if he didn't give me the cancer. I'm not going to lie about

that part. I'm going to trust him to have a whole fleet of angels play on the sad trombone for me when I die from bone cancer. It's funny because I did think about that. I'm not even being facetious. I don't even know what that phrase really means in a functional functional way i don't either yeah in god we trust do you trust god yeah uh to do what like they just implicitly like i got i trust him not to fuck

around on me i guess like a sign though what the sign is up for the student like you're putting it up like you're not putting it up for the administrators, right? Like it's not for the administration. It's for the students, right? And so it's supposed to be like you put a sign up so that you could tell students, here's where the assembly hall is. Here's when lunch is.

Here's what a periodic table looks like, right? You tell them, you're showing them something. And so you're telling them something. And when you tell them, in God we trust, what I wonder is you're almost enforcing it. That's like a rule on the wall. This is something we do here. This is something we...

Well, how do you measure the trust? I just don't get it. Well, the other part of that might be... It's like a thought police thing too, right? Either that or it's like, it's to subtly just form the thoughts by bombarding them with like, right. Right.

I mean, sure. Like it's a, it's indoctrination. Yes. It's just around so much that it becomes part of your everyday. So that you're just like, I trust God.

And people are like, do what? And why? And you're just like, I read a sign in middle school. I don't remember. I got all my values. Signs in middle school. I don't remember. That's where I got all my values. Signs in middle school.

An owl once told me it was bad to lie. So I'm like, what? Also, only I can prevent forest fires. Thank you very much. And abstinence. Well, that's why I have four kids. All right. So the second one I don't have a problem with.

Like if you're offering comparative religion class and you want to include the Bible. Yeah, I don't mind that either. It's Western civilization. Who cares? Seems like a good call. Yeah. I mean, like if you are doing religions of Japan, maybe not included. Yeah, right.

Yeah. But if it's like a comparative survey of religions. That's fine. Yeah. That seems like one of the top three. I agree. That's fine. All right.

And the final one is the governing body of a school corporation may require the teaching of various theories concerning the origin of life, including creation science, within the school corporation. So basically, that's back. And I give, it's, how many times is that going to rear its ugly head?

I know, I know. And then it's going to go to the court and the court's going to be like, oh my God. Do I have to dig going to be like, Oh my God. Do I have to dig up a scopes? Oh my God. Yeah. Right.

Are we still doing, are we still adjudicating this? We lost that one. I think we did lose it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like,

wait, this question's been settled. It's so fucking settled. You're both pretty. Like, stop. Like, what the fuck?

I know. They've got to get top billing fuck i know they've got to get top billing right they've got to get top billing it's it's it's when i read through this though the first thought was like yeah mike pence like that's the first thing that they're like because oh i know he's associated with indiana for our state yeah now the concern obviously is if this isn't bottled up in san francisco this kind of nonsense then it's going to be spreading across the entire Fruited Plain, and you're going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa, and you're going to have a rainbow

colored wrapper for your Whopper. So it comes in Huffington Post, but it's also just everywhere. Karen Pence is working at a school that bans LGBTQ employees and kids. Now, this is Vice President Mike Pence's wife, Karen Pence.

You might know her as mommy or mother. Mother, I think. Mother, I think, is what he calls his wife. Mother clucker. Gah! It's fucking weird. It is weird. So weird.

She works at a school that basically makes you sign something if you're going to be an employee there that says i'm totes not gay i promise and then if it turns out it's more than that though it's more than that i want to read it it says it's talking about moral misconduct on this thing it says qualifications for employees include but is not but are not limited to such behaviors as the following heterosexual activity outside of marriage premarital sex cohabitation or extramarital sex. Homosexual or lesbian sexual activity. Why make the distinction?

Polygamy. Right? Aren't they the same? I mean, like, it's like one smaller Venn diagram or something. Like, I don't even get it. Polygamy. Isn't polygamy just extramarital sex?

Yeah. I mean, like, again, it's like, you could just have one big Venn diagram here. Transgender identity, any other violation of the unique roles of male and female. That seems weird.

I like math. You're out of this school, girl. Sexual harassment or viewing of pornographic material or websites. Those are your things that... So nobody can go.

Right, that's what I'm saying. Like, nobody's ever going to go. Our employees are limited to no employees. It's just, it's going to be just like a fucking hedgehog. It's just like the principal of the school. Like really? Yeah.

So no premarital sex cohabitation, nobody that watches porn. Yeah. Like that's not even X. That just excludes every heterosexual. Like the only people that work here are like liars liars yeah liars that's who works yes people who are like i never looked at no pornographic material on that what's the website called that has pornographic material

what is it gross what is that what is that website it sounds disgusting send me a book just tell me what it is, though, so I don't go there. I just want to make sure I don't go there. I want to not look at what you're also not seeing. So tell me, hub?

What is it again? Porn hub? Oh, that sounds gross. Really gross. A whole hub of it. Is it one word? They can get a lot of different options.

Is it just one word? Dot com? Is that it? That's a dot com, right? I just want to make sure it's on my net. They have a mobile-friendly site? Yeah, the application says that the school believes marriage unites one man and one woman.

And that a wife... What is it, like a three-stage rocket? Like, what is happening here? I mean, the marriage... Oh, shit! And it says that the wife is commanded to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. Jesus Christ. This is the vice president's wife.

So, like, it is reasonable to think that he shares these views. Also, all of the available evidence about him is that he shares these views. Yeah, I'm not shocked at all that she's part of something like this. This is the most egregiously narrow-minded view of Christianity possible. Yeah. And we are one hamburger away. One hamburger?

You gotta look out for the hamburger. Rabble, rabble. There's a hilarious meme this week that showed him standing with all the hamburgers and he's in the hamburglar outfit and it says don't worry I got Taco Bell to pay for it all

Taco Bell that's fucking amazing oh Jesus he saw all the fucking hamburglars though that he had on the the table right it's so funny the first comment i saw about that um this is where i'm going to refresh everybody's memory here this is uh trump this week had uh posted a photo of him hosting the clemson kids who just beat Alabama in the college footballs. And he was hosting, I think it was Clemson at the White House, but there's a shutdown. So they didn't have people to prepare the food. And so he bought a bunch of what he called

hamburgers, which I misspelled hamburgers. And he has a bunch of those. And hot coffee buffet. He had them all on a table on a silver platter with candles and he had a bunch of hamburgers and a bunch of Wendy's stuff, Big Macs, whatnot. And so he served the Clemson kids fast food because we didn't have a shutdown. But the first comment I saw,

which was fucking hilarious was, oh yeah, I have no idea where the president who owns a hotel down the street could possibly get this catered. Yeah. And I liked you that like a couple of things he bragged about using his own money for that. And it's like, yeah,

but you were also bragging about being a billionaire. Right. Right. You have billions of dollars. You're bragging about like, I sprung off the dollar menu for these kids. I know, yeah. It's a couple thousand bucks. Big fucking deal.

For the president, that shouldn't be a lot. A couple thousand bucks. For a billionaire, all of your federal employees are going without that couple thousand dollars right now. Literally, who cares? It's so measured against the wealthy claims they have. It's not even generous. It doesn't even count

as generosity. You should tip that to the doorman every time you leave a building. Exactly. And then he also tweeted something like, rather than have the first and second lady make these kids a bunch of salads, I bought them these hamburgers. Hamburger grillers.

It's like, women don't just make salads. Like they'll get you a sandwich too. It was so sexist though. It was so funny. It's like so bad. And like the idea is like, these are a bunch of high school, like in a high school, but like a bunch of like college athletes.

They're not going to want to eat a salad. And it's like, well, okay, well then make them something else. They're also, you know, they're also athletes. These are kids who are paying attention to what they eat. They probably have a team nutritionist. Right. You know what I mean? Like they don't want a fucking Big Mac. Right.

They probably don't want it, nor can they use it. I know there's seasons over now, so maybe it's a big cheat day, but still can you imagine blowing cheat day on cold Big Macs? Because all that food is cold, too. Enjoy your cold, shitty French fries from a garbage

restaurant. You know what's funny? What's hilarious about this is you look at how it looks, and it's the president is standing there, big smile on his face, and you have a bunch of hamburgers. I can't stop saying it. It's so funny.

A bunch of these all wrapped up all really nicely. And they're on a silver platter. And it reminds me of the comment, whoever made it, I don't remember who, that Trump is a poor man's version of a rich man. Yes. Trump is a weak man's version of a strong man. He's a dumb person's version of a rich man. Yes. Trump is a weak man's version of a strong man. He's a dumb person's version of a smart man. And you see this in him.

When you see this, you're just like, it's so fucking white trash. Yes. Yeah. It's unreal. You see it and you're just like, Jesus Christ, you're the worst. And it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. You know, first off, I don't really care that some kids threw the football really hard at each

other and they want to think like, it doesn't matter to me. I didn't watch the game. It matters to a bunch of other people. That's fine. Whatever you like. It doesn't matter to me, but you know what?

If you have a tradition of inviting these kids there to go there, they should be treated well, right? You shouldn't just be like, okay guys, this is the white house. I'm gone. I'm going to go upstairs and watch the nightly news. You guys just show yourself out. Right. There should be something nice that they, that they do. If you're doing a tradition of, yes, it's, it's so funny. Cause like I saw that same picture and I was like,

this is America in a picture. It's just like, it's everything wrong, but if you put it on a silver platter and grin in front of it like a fucking gaping idiot, somehow that's supposed to make it better. It's like, I put the obesity crisis on a silver platter

and I grinned like a fucking moron in front of it, And now I'm classy. I also felt too, when I was thinking about it, was like, it really felt like it was a distraction from the shutdown. And I felt almost like he wanted this publicity. He doesn't care that he's being made fun of about this

because it was pulling away from the bad publicity of the shutdown. I think part of the messaging in it inherent in that is like, look, America can still get by with its, you know, nothing more American than McDonald's, right? So America can still get by. We don't need all this fancy stuff. The government works on a shoestring. We can have these kids over and feed them our hamburgers we don't need a private chef in order to do it america america we're always here to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps make do with what we got and you know all that shit and it's like what you're missing out of all of that

is like your solution is bad it's still a bad low rentless, shitty solution that provides only the ghost of sustenance. Right. You know, which is just like all of your rest of your messaging. It is the ghost of substance. Ready to stick it in the glory hole? Get links to their Facebook, Twitter, and if you still use it, Google Plus account at their website, dissonancepod.com. If you need to be all discreet about it, contact them by email at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com.

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We want to send a big sloppy glory hole to all the patrons and people who rate us. You fucking rock. So this is a, from the Patheos blog, this is Godzooks, which I've never used Godzooks before. Yeah, I've never seen Godzooks. I've never used Godzooks. This is, this website gives me the willies. It's like a Christian Stepford Wives.

And yeah, I mean, kind of. So this is basically like a YouTube blog channel. Vlogger. It's a vlogger. It's vlogging. And it's too, as this website describes it, winsome, wholesome looking Christian blondes from Texas. And they're teaching girls.

So this is one of those like girls teaching girls, right? How to subjugate themselves properly for the pleasure of the male folk. And it's not much different in that respect. And the reason I grabbed this story, it's not much different in that respect than like when the Republicans will seize on their one black friend to criticize black people. We got to criticize Black Lives Matter. Let's get our black friend out here. Sure. It's kind of the same thing, right? You get a couple of good looking blonde, young blonde girls to come out and say like, hey, here's the message. And there's really nothing shocking about this message. This is that age old Christian message. Yeah, it's this is a promise keepers type of message. this message. This is that age-old Christian message. Yeah, this is a promise

keepers type of message. Right. That's exactly the right piece of it. But like, what I think is particularly troublesome about it is who's doing the messaging. You know? It matters who presents

your message. It matters a lot. Absolutely. It lends it a level of credibility that you might not get if it was being mansplained to all these girls. Yeah. Right? Right. If I said the same thing, it's patronizing, right? And it's because it's to my explicit benefit.

Right. The world, like, their worldview, let's be honest, is to my explicit benefit. As a white dude, like, I'd be like, well, we just want to cook and clean and make your house and everything you say is right. I'd be like, that's hard for me to say.

I don't like that. Yeah, right. But it's interesting because one of the things that they say in this and one of the things that I see is down, because it's a large portion of this video, is when they're talking about whether or not a girl should date a non-religious guy. Like, if you're a Christian girl, should you date a non-religious guy?

And I personally go, I'm of two minds on that. I think if you're really into each other and stuff, like, you know, like nobody's asking my advice, but I would say, you know, if I'm,

if you're really into each other, I think that there, you can absolutely reach a common understanding as long as you're willing to be flexible in your belief structure. If you're not willing to be flexible at all, if you're 100% like, and these girls are non-flexible. So if they're 100% non-flexible, there's nowhere to go with that, right? If the girl is 100% non-flexible, the guy is 100% non-flexible, and the other person isn't, you know, and is, wants to try to, and they aren't the same exact religion, you're probably not going to go anywhere. And so I think that there has to be some sort of willingness to meet in the middle. The girls talk about five different points. They say the five reasons why you shouldn't

Date a non-religious guy and I want to read the five points One we won't share the same values Two don't have the same mission of sort of helping other people etc and being you know in christ three. They can't lead you Four They won't share the same worldview, which sounds a lot like values and mission, but anyway. And then five, can't seek the Lord together. These all sound like

the same thing. They really sound a lot like the same thing. It sounds like you're making the same point five times. That's what it sounds like to me. What if I wrote it again? It would still be the same. But it's interesting because I got a chance to see this because you hear this question as an atheist. You hear this question.

And we get asked this question on occasion. You hear it and see it a lot. And I was curious to see what the religious people would say. And they said, no, you shouldn't. You won't find the same common ground. That doesn't surprise me. It doesn't surprise me either. It doesn't surprise me.

I think the way that it can work is if one person, probably the less religious person, doesn't really care very much. Right. You know? Yeah. Like, I think if it really, I think if your worldview, if that part, if that's an important part of your worldview, and it's a really important part of the other person's worldview, then you almost have to agree not to talk about it. Yeah. You know? Or you just, you just go, like, like for many years in my marriage,

my wife was a Catholic for many years. I just went along with it. I wasn't going to Catholic, to Catholic mass every week. Right. But on a couple occasions a year, she'd ask me to go

and I'd go. And so you just, I just did it. Like, I just did it. She's not a Catholic anymore, but she was at the time. Her beliefs have evolved

since then. Were your beliefs real strong at the time? I was an atheist. I was definitely an atheist. When I met her, I was an atheist. But I mean, like, how much did it matter to you i guess is why curious i'm genuinely curious i didn't matter to you that you were an atheist at the time uh it didn't matter to me that uh that we i was an i was an atheist and a vocal atheist but i was it never mattered to me that that she

she liked it or that she wanted to do it that wasn't a place where you had to connect yeah and it and it was a place that i went to make sure that she felt comfortable there. So just like if, you know, if I didn't like watching a, you know, like we all do things for the people that we love. We do those things,

whether we, you know, whether we like them or not sometimes. We do. And so like, I gotta write that. Sometimes you'll watch a movie that you don't want to fucking watch. Right.

You won't do that ever. I won't do that. Yeah, sure. How was dirty dancing? you'll watch a movie that you don't want to fucking watch, right? You won't do that ever? I won't do that. Yeah, sure. How is Dirty Dancing? Whatever, shut up! But seriously. That abortion movie has a lot of dancing. It does. It does have a lot of dancing.

It should have had marionettes, abortion marionettes dancing. But seriously, like, you do things that, you know, you might not like and you might not enjoy, but you do it because you want to. I don't do the butt stuff. I know what you mean things that, you know, you might not like, and you might not enjoy, but you do it because, because you want to, I don't do the butt stuff. I know what you mean, but you know, like you just do it because you want to make sure that the other person is enjoying themselves or having a good time, whatever. And so, you know, that's what a relationship is all about. And I feel like

too, when I see people that are really rigid on this, I say, well, you probably wouldn't be good to be in a relationship with anyone. You know, I don't know. I think that there's some things that you can say like, look, this is something that's... This is something I need in my life. I need somebody who thinks about the world in fundamentally the same way I think about the world.

So like, I think that can be like a place where you need to connect with somebody. I think that there's places where you say like, I need to connect in these places. If we don't connect in these other spaces, that's okay. I think that makes sense. I think it's kind of great that they're like, yeah, I don't want to non-relate.

It's just like, well, good. Nobody's going to waste their time. Yeah. As long as you're up front with that, that's great. Know what you need. Yeah, absolutely. Know what you need. Yeah.

I think, you know, I have had experience with a lot of different religious people in my life. And they've always, they know I'm a humanist. They know I'm not religious. They know I don't believe in a God. I don't believe in a higher power. But they always come out respecting me because they find out I'm a good person. Right.

Right. And I feel like, you know, if you're two good people, whether or not you believe on where those, you know, where the where the buck stops, so to speak. You can probably find that you can find that common ground. Yeah. I think that it's totally possible. You know what I think would be hard is like, like, you know, those people, you know, that are they want to solve a problem in part by praying about it. Let's pray. that are, they want to solve a problem in part by praying about it. Let's pray about it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'll be hard. Oh, yeah, I agree. That'll be real. Like, I don't think I could do that. I don't. I don't think I could do that. I wouldn't be able to do that either. But I've never prayed.

I've been involved in prayer many times in my life, but I've never prayed with those people, right? Like, later on in life. I did when I was a kid, but not once I became an atheist. I'm talking about after I became an atheist.

I was involved in the room. I was in the room. Okay, we're all going to pray. No, we're not all going to pray. You're going to pray, and I'm going to stand here with my hands folded waiting until you're done praying. Because there's nothing I can do until that, and I'm not going to be rude, and I'll be there, and I'll watch them do it, and that's fine.

But I'm not part of that. But if somebody's problem-solving technique, that would be very hard. But I also don't think that. But like if somebody's like problem solving. Oh yeah. Technique. I don't think I could. I don't think. That would be very hard. But I also don't think that I could ever get to a level of. I almost feel like they're going to self-select out of that relationship well earlier.

You know what I mean? Like there are these girls. There are these girls. These girls are going to say. Right. Well, I want to pray about it. Well, Jesus Christ, you need to go back on Tinder. Yeah.

You need to figure something out. Christian grinder or whatever. I don't even know. I pray that you swipe left next time. Christian grinder. Christian grinder. Get banged by some dude. Can we pray about this afterwards?

You want answers? I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth oh my god all right this story's from right wing watch uh rick joiner california wildfires were the result of your sin this is for you guys i i like this because of the your yeah it made me laugh just the headline up part of it like it's because of your sin all right i'm gonna play this this is rick joiner there's one sure thing that we're given thousands of years ago and told why these events they love their lens flares though i know you guys can't see this but this is just lens fair again now there's a sunset with a lens flare do you remember

maybe you didn't i went to methodist church and there was like, there were these like pamphlets you could take at the end. I forgot what they were called, like the fucking good news or I don't, I made that up. You went to a Methodist church? Was it in Indiana? Methodist? That's why I was so jittery as a kid. Oh my God, I got all my homework done in 10 minutes. No, you were a fat kid.

I wish I was. You look back on your childhood obesity and wish you were a fat kid. You weren't on the mask. I wasn't on the mask. I wish I was. You look back on your childhood obesity and wish you were taking speed. It would have been better. I remember this. But anyway, there were these like, every week you could take this like, fucking read it and weep panel.

I don't remember what it was called. I hope it was called that actually. It always had this sort of like I hope it was called that, actually. It always had this sort of like bullshit inspirational image on it. And I want to say like seven out of ten of them was like the ray of light coming through the cloud shaft thing.

Yeah, sure. So when I was a little kid, I was convinced that that was like God looking down through the clouds. And so then after I thought that, I remember thinking like, well, then he can only see what's like one little space.

He's so myopic. I remember being like, oh man, that's how God can see them. I'm like, well, he can't see shit. I'm so literal. You look up at the sky like, pull back a little. Pull back away from the clouds a little.

But this is like the same shit. It's like inspirational, light-based imagery. Like, all right. Come. I'm talking about the warnings that the Lord gave us through his prophets, beginning with Moses and on, that this is going to be the result of your sin. If you turn from following the Lord and you start calling good evil and evil good and

honoring the dishonorable and dishonoring the honorable, these are doing all the opposites opposite to a bizarro world, guys. We're going to be the consequences. And it talks about storms. It talks about earthquakes. And it talks about fires. Well, good, because we've been earthquake, storm, and fire free for so long. Man, now they're just everywhere, Tom.

We got earthquakes now. We haven't had them forever since Moses, right? Dude, you know what's amazing to me is like, you think about like Las Vegas. Yeah. No earthquakes, very few storms, no fires. Yeah. It's just sin all the time.

It's just sin all the time, right? It's just like, it's like, it's like a quite like their version, right? But it's not like San Francisco caught on fire. Right. You know, like some rich people houses burned down and then the woods were on fire. Like what a bunch of fucking druids are taking in the crapper. Like what? We're all dancing around a tiny stone edge.

Little druids out there. What the fuck? He keeps devastating places that nobody lives. the fuck he keeps devastating places that nobody lives it's very sure he's stirring up a bunch of shit out in the middle of the ocean with those hurricanes right like yeah i guess i guess in the philippines and like there must be a lot of sin conveniently located by the tectonic plates and or the jet stream right yeah what i i i love that they talk about as if we've never had any of these natural disasters these are all new we've had all now you know if we're starting to talk about there's a lot getting more frequent that's true that I think, you know, this year

we were approaching spending about a billion dollars a day in America, just America, America, just America, almost a billion dollars a day headed towards it was 300 plus billion a couple of months ago in natural disasters. And that is getting worse every year. It is getting worse every year. Like you said, climate change might be a cause. Yeah, we should do something about the root cause of that. Why? It's not who's fucking who.

Why do you think? And this is a serious question. Yeah. Why do you think none of these guys jump on the climate change thing as this? Look, we know God's slow. We know God does this stuff in a sort of very, you know, methodical way. He's punishing us through climate change. We need to change our ways. Send me all your money. Why don't they pull this out and say, no, climate change is real and God is doing it. Because the solutions for climate change won't affect the moral behaviors they want to control. That's a good answer.

That's my feeling. Right, right, yeah. Because, you know, you can still suck a dick and... Yeah, what if a gay guy came up with a fucking carbon puller outer for the environment? Or he just drives a Prius. Right, yeah. Chances are he does. I know, that's what I mean.

And I think the only one who has discernment on why this is happening seem to be the insurance companies. Why can't we say the only one who knows? Why do we have to say who has discernment? I love that, though. Discernment.

I have some discernment in my pocket. I thought you were just happy to see me. I don't know. What? Big thing of discernment. They sell it in a Jim Baker bucket now, discernment. They use that word so weird all the time that I'm actually at the point where I'm unclear.

I don't even know what it means. I don't know what it means. Yeah. I'm at a place where I'm unclear. I don't even know what it means. I don't know what it means. I'm at a place where I'm like, I guess I don't know that word. It's like when you say the word put a bunch of times, you're like, put, is that right? P-U-T. Wait, what? Hold on, let's check. Alexa, what does

discernment mean? No, that's right. That's right. They're the only ones who call it. These are acts of God. They call them acts of God. They really are. You say, well, is America under judgment? Of course we are.

No, America's not under judgment. We're a giant planet of fitness. It's a judgment-free zone around here. No judgment. No lunkers here in America. Lunkers. So, Tom, it is time for another round of Vulgarity for Charity. We are rolling through the people who donated money to ModestNeeds.org, chose somebody to roast, and we are roasting them.

Remember that even if you're not going to get a roast out of it, you can still donate to ModestNeeds.org. You can help a family in need. Maybe they're a federal worker family. I suspect there's going to be a lot more modest needs. Yeah. For real. Yeah.

Like real soon. Yeah. So. So, yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Head over there. Well, let's get started.

All right, Cecil, here's a bunch of dorky shit that you got to make fun of, man. All right. Okay. I want you to do it in your worst old-timey voice. All right, here we go. All right, this is for Edgar, Game of Thrones, and for Gene, Jon Snow.

All right, all right. Thou art but a soap opera for men, the weakest of men. Your show hast more incest than a West Virginia orgy. And Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, you sleep with one of your siblings and you don't choose Sansa?

Be gone, fool. Be gone. I don't know what's going on. Shut the fuck up. You read Shakespeare, you cunt. I'm fucking around. I read like five of those books, so I'm just fucking around.

All right. Daniel's D&D buddies. My good friends, Brett and Boss. Is it Boss or Bass? I'm not quite sure. Although he's big enough to be a bass, I guess. Good morrow to thee. I expect you to venture outside once a fortnight,

but thou hath failed your saving throw against the outside and hygiene. Hygiene. All right. And Master Cecil Dupont for Master Zigmund and Lady Jorun. Jorun? Jorun. Lady Jorun. Master Cecil, you are the bluntest sword in the kingdom.

What a disgrace to have the same name as thou. You are of the poorest instruments, duller than any great thaw. What the fuck? What does that even mean? Ziggy's gonna get it. Ziggy's gonna get it. Ziggy's gonna get it. Ziggy, that's who he just said. Master Zygmunt. Alright, we got a lot of requests from other podcasts. So let's roast them like we're leaving a

one-star review on iTunes. Yeah, I'm used to this. Alright, I'm gonna... Wayward Willis podcast wants us to roast the secular soup podcast. I'll go ahead and take that one. I've never heard of that. Secular soup. What is that?

Secular soup. One star. While secular, even broth has more flavor and body than this supposed soup. All right. Brian wants us to roast the waiting for wrath show. One star. The only thing I was waiting for was for it to end.

Thankfully, I was in a terrible car accident which damaged my hearing irreparably. The bright side being, of course, not having to listen to this again. Okay, here's mine. You remember that famous pundit from Wyoming? Yeah, neither does anyone else. Literally no stars.

Also, the Waiting for Wrath podcast sent a donation in to roast one of the hosts, Big Gay Jim, and the AIDS charity he works for and raises money for. Such a good charity. wyoAIDS.org. I know we donated $500 to it last year. They're really nice people. Alright.

Big Gay Jim, we wouldn't need that AIDS charity if you had just behaved. Oh, shit. This doesn't make up for what you've done. Jesus Christ. Daniel wants to kick us when we're down and roast the Citation Needed podcast. All right, here we go. That's terrible.

Citation Needed is the Michael Jordan baseball career of podcasts. All right, I'll go. You don't get that. I thought he played basketball. Exactly. Did he play baseball, too? A couple years, he was terrible at it. What team did he play on?

He was in the AAAs for the Sox, I think. So he was in the AAA. He made it up to the major leagues. There was no way I was going to know that. I knew you would. That's some trivial. And the best part is the best part even explaining to you. It is funny.

All right. Andy, not Wilson, wants us to hear about the incredulous release schedule. No, no, no, no. That's absurd. No one wants to hear about the incredulous release schedule. But I guess if you need an update, you can tune in live to the next show at QED 2020.

That's a whole year away. They were a year apart later than the last show at QED. I know. This one's going to be two years apart. Yeah. Alright. I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but Guy wants a roast of Marsh. Alright. So I'm going to do this in the form of a one-star review. Hate the newly rebranded show title should have stuck with be reasonably

skeptical. The show is the overly polite, close talker of podcasts. All right. James was asking for a roast of bad retail customers. All right. Well, I actually worked retail sales for many years and I,

I learned this. There are some people that enjoy wielding the small petty power that they have over the people in the world whose livelihood relies on sustaining their abuse with equanimity. But here's something they probably never stop to consider. We are spitting on your food. We are dropping your boxes in our warehouse. We are deleting your receipts so you can't return your shit. We are making you wait for things on purpose. We are signing you up for spam and sales calls

and we are purposely not offering you discounts we can offer you. Your life is a little worse because you are a dick and the best part is that you are too stupid to realize it. Alright. Karen was also looking for a takedown of her sister's boyfriend. Go at it, Tom. and the best part is that you are too stupid to realize it. All right. Karen was also looking for a takedown

of her sister's boyfriend. Go at it, Tom. Oh my God, Jeff with a G. You're like a million years old and you're dating a woman 30 years your junior? Oh, that's nice. I can't imagine what kind of incriminating photos you have on this poor woman,

but let her go, man. You look like you're six months tops out from needing your ass wiped with assistance. I mean, like, can you even date when you're in hospice? Jesus Christ. What do you do, Jeff with a G? Take her out for pudding cups before turning in at 4 p.m.? Jesus. That's so mean.

Davey wants you to roast his ex-friend, Chris, Tom. Chris, here's the thing, man. Someday you might get what's coming to you. You might. You might not. Who knows? I don't know. But here's what is definitely true.

People will cycle in and out of your life, and you will always be lonely for it. And you will always struggle. It's always so dark. And no matter what else happens, there won't be anyone stable in your life to really love you or care about you when you're gone. After we're done with these roasts, I feel like

I just need to go see somebody for a hug. Like, I just need to be like, give me a hug. I don't care who you are. Yes, homeless person, that's fine. I'm addicted to Rage Hall. Here's something. Let's talk for a minute about atheist conferences. We get a lot of requests for all different kinds of atheism-related things and atheism-related people.

So, Tom, this one requires you. Atheists aren't humanists for Jeannie in Vermont. All right. So Jeannie sent us an email, and this is really too big for your britches, guys. Jeannie, I'm happy to help. This community, this is a funny one. It's small. It's insular. It's full of a lot of big fish unaware of the size of their pond.

Oh, shit. And if there is anything less appealing, anything more laughable, anything more absurd and silly and narcissistic and shamefaced and outright stupid, if there's anything worse than not knowing that the tiny smattering of minuscule notoriety you may have in a community of people desperate for just a few voices to behave like human beings. It's all just an illusion that you owe to the good nature of others. And when you think that you deserve to be taken seriously as some kind of celebrity while you spend your weekends drinking at a Crown Point Plaza? You are, no matter your stature, small. No shit, man.

Jesus Christ. Alright, Daniel donated so you could talk about the organizers of ReasonCon. Oh. Hey guys, you know what the Atheist community needs. A hotel that smells like their moldy living rooms and a bar that closes at 9.30. Maybe you could splurge next year on an MC with his own

teeth. I don't know. See if you can dig them up out of a fucking pier somewhere in Georgia. Oh my God. All right. Hey, another staple of atheist cons. Polyamorous John wants a roast of polyamory. Oh, I mean, you might as well double up. It's not like anyone else is going to fuck either of you. The atheist community isn't loose because they don't have the hangups with sex. They're loose because it's literally the first time anyone's ever asked. All right. You know, this next one isn't so much of a product of an atheist conference, but it definitely fucking applies. People who stand on the left on the escalator. This is for you, Ben. 93 million miles from Earth, a powerful nuclear reaction took place.

And that light produced by our sun traveled eight and a half minutes, filled photosensitive cells with energy to help them grow. It was harvested by humans, packaged and sold to your fat ass. So maybe burn a fucking single calorie of energy it would take to shift your giant ass to the side so all the suckers who actually can climb a stair can get the fuck by. I love this one.

Alright, here's another staple of Atheist Cons. Hemant Mehta and Pugs. Oh, this one's for Michael. I am not going to burn the bridge with a friendly Atheist, man. We got half our fucking stories for that guy. That's not happening. Pugsugs on the other hand pugs are the rocky dennis of dogs you don't know who rocky dennis is he's the kid from the movie mask with share with the fucking lumpy face i don't remember this it looks like a catcher's mitt anyway it's like someone

bred two inside out raccoons you take every single worthwhile trade out of a wolf and you'll have an animal that a pug would look up to. All right. Here's one that's interesting. American Jesus. That comes up a lot, right? This one's for Jesse. I know.

Why am I into this? American Jesus is best Jesus. He hates all the right things. The immigrants and liberals. You can tell how great he is by his sweet no-step-on-snack flag. American Jesus kicks Middle Eastern Jesus' ass

and takes his oil. Alright, so here's a group of people who wanted to roast, and a lot of these are their friends. Let's roast each of these losers by just mentioning what the best thing that could possibly happen to them would be. So Najeeb wants us to roast his best friend, Stapler.

See, so that's not a typo. This guy is called Stapler. This guy's named Stapler? There's no way you could convince me that this guy could keep anything together. He looks like one of his eyes told the other he would meet him up back. And there's no way you guys aren't sit by the way in this photo there's no way you guys aren't sitting down to play dungeon dragons in this photo there's a fucking crown royal bag and a mechanical pencil in the fucking foreground the best thing that could happen to this guy is he trips head first into a wood chipper so his haircut would be

William wants a roast of his not friend Anders all right the best thing that could happen to Anders is that his dumb ass Thor necklace gets stuck on the third rail in a subway and Hillary Clinton completes the circuit by pissing on him Stephanie donated so she can hear a roast of her nearly 40 best friend Rachel oh, almost 40. I wouldn't have guessed she was a day over 39, Tom, by looking at this photo. I see you're dressed like Billy Idol. Now, both you and your car are something loud and useless from the previous decade.

The best thing that could happen to you is that saltine's box on the table behind you grows big enough and swallows you because you're the biggest goddamn cracker I've ever seen. All right, Kyle requested Cortland? All right, Kyle requested Cortland? All right, Cortland, you asked for some advice on how to cope with loneliness. Make some fucking friends.

Or if you're you, get a dog and a prostitute and settle in. This is your life now. You're in it for the long haul. Chris wanted to hear one of Paul. Oh, holy shit, Paulul you're a roast of yourself like you look like a roast that's what i mean by that a cheap shitty roast an undercooked floppy hunk of meat with googly eyes stapled to it you're like mrs potato head somehow media abortion all right kyle wanted a roast of Tate.

There's no need for a roast of Tate. Just like there is no need for Tate. For real. No one needs you. Jesus. All right. Gene donated for two of his unnamed friends. All right. The best thing that could happen to you guys is that they merged you both into a single

human. That way you would have a normal muscle mass and an IQ of 75. All right, Tom, David wanted me to roast medieval reenactments and you to roast people who majored in English lit. So I'm going to go first. Hey, reenactors, you know what else is period?

Bullying. Give me your fucking lunch money, you nerds. All right, majoring in English lit is the best way to make sure no one has to error correct your suicide note. All right. Majoring in English lit is the best way to make sure no one has to error correct your suicide note. All right. Jonathan dislikes Steve Harvey enough to pay for a roast. Tom, have at it. You know, man, like Steve Harvey is one of those celebrities. I always have to Google because I keep forgetting why anyone pays him any money. And then, like, I Google him and I start to look at the Google results and I find

instead that I'm watching videos of kids dying in Syria because at least they're not fucking boring. Alright, Rebecca wanted us to roast the Air Force of which she has been a part for 15 years. How the fuck can I roast the only branch of our military where most

of the enlisted can read? Alright, someone requested a Tom burning of them. So this one is for and about John. John, here's the thing. For most people, I would say social anxiety is unwarranted. But in your case, no, man, you should be anxious. People probably don't like you for very good reasons. Oh, my God. Think about it. John, most of your life, you were a loser.

What makes you think you can change now? Remember, dropping a little weight doesn't change your personality. Moving quickly on, I'll take the next selfie. That's so mean. Maxwell wants a roast of his mustache. That's super specific. I know, it's so mean. Maxwell wants a roast of his mustache. That's super specific. I know, it's super specific. And actually, it's funny because he only sent a picture of his mustache and that's it.

You look like you'd have a mustache Danny Bonaduce would have if he was in a very special episode of Sons of Anarchy. One with herpes under it. You look like someone cut the top of a strawberry blonde Christmas tree off. All right, Andy is looking for a little self-immolation time. Oh, God. Andy, I'm tired. I'm cranky.

And in this moment, looking at you is not helping. You know how there's inside voices, Andy? Well, there's also inside faces. Yours is an inside face, Andy. Take that.

All right. We both know Jeff Blackwell. He's a guest and friend of the show, American Atheists, and he wants a self-basting. So here goes. Hey, Jeff.

Haven't heard from you in a while. You busy creating new safe words for your board members? I just want to remind you that they're atheists so don't use any pork products as safe words no pork chop was ever safer on an atheist Jeff

you're an atheist Jeff so are you shut the fuck up Tom alright fuck you this last one of the self haters is Aaron and he requested a roast Aaron looks like one of those guys who grows his own yeast for his homebrew and his beard and then doesn't tell you about it until you had a fucking drink of it.

And now it's in your mouth and you're sick and you're angry. And soon you can feel the arterial pounding of his neck between your hands. But fuck you, Aaron, and your stupid tricks and being so funny. And he's getting weaker now and you should stop. But you don't care because all he can do is look at you with that infuriating stupid fucking face and when the light goes out in his eyes and you're done shaking his corpse like a fucking rag doll instead of feeling ashamed or scared or remorseful you see his dumb head lifelessly staring back at you and you know you've done the right thing okay Okay. Okay, so that worked out good.

Here are a few famous people. Let's do them in the form of a limerick. Thanks, Cecil. Cassandra. You like the limericks, don't you? I like reading them. Cassandra requests Amma. Okay.

There once was a woman named Amma who looked like a very old grandma her religion was love something something a dove i don't know how to rhyme this woman's a liar and a thief that's true all right uh charles wants william showbilline okay william showbilline was once a priest even though he knows the private number of the beast he made a deal with the devil to beard at such a high level. He knew Hitler, so that's why his YouTube count increased. All right, Anonymous asked for Eric C. Kahn. Shit.

Fuck, I can do this. No, you can't. I can't. Hold on. Eric C. Kahn stole money, which isn't funny. No. He stole from the disabled and... Wait, what?

Who steals from the disabled? Something, something raped in prison. Okay. All right. And Skeptic Brett wants Elon Musk, there once was a billionaire from LA, who blamed the media for the negative picture they like to portray.

They're just a bunch of Jews, he'd say of the news when they'd shit on his speed of sound subway. All right. So that's the wrap for our Vulgarity for Charity. We are going to be continuing on with this. If you didn't hear your roast, don't worry. We are going to get to it.

We promise. But we had so many. It was such an outpouring of support. We need to try to have other show other than just Volcani for Charity. You know, this is a problem we're very pleased to have. Yeah. Is that we had such an outpouring of support

for such a wonderful organization. So we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons. We want to thank our most recent patrons. And so they put in the long name of that Icelandic volcano, the Eflikafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafalafal Sean, Ellie, and Tanner, thanks so much for your generous donations. We really do appreciate it. If you want to become a patron of Cognitive Dissonance, all you have to do is go to patreon.com slash dissonance pod,

and you can become a sponsor of our show on a per episode basis. We love our patrons. We just gave our patrons last week, we watched the entirety of Trump's address, and we gave that to patrons. We recorded about 45 minutes worth of tape, played it,

talked about it. And we realized that it was just too long for our show. So we just gave it to patrons. And so if you're interested in becoming a patron, there's plenty of content

that you'll get, plenty of back content that you'll get, and a bunch of new content that's coming out. I want to say hello to Chad. Chad sent a long message telling us, you know, it's nice to get these messages once in a

while, Tom. It's basically this message like, hey, you guys really helped me out and this has really changed my mind and so thanks so much. And we get these on occasion and these are great messages to get, so I want to say thanks to Chad for listening. Yeah, hey Chad, thanks for listening. He's been listening for three years, so thanks for listening, man. Appreciate it. I got a message, a couple messages from

a couple different people. Elle sent in a message and a couple other people sent messages sort of with a little corrections. I may have misspoke last time. And, you know, I realized that after while I was listening to it, that I think I did misspeak. I said only honor killings were done. Women were the only ones who were honor killed in the society, in Muslim societies. And that's not true. And I realized that after I said it, I might've, I don't know if I said all or most, but I want to make sure that I say most because most, mostly it's women,

but men also get killed. And Al points out honor killings can happen with guys that are gay or atheist or that sort of thing can happen all the time. So I want to recognize that that's absolutely true that those people do die. They do kill people for honor over there and they can be male.

But I do contend that a lot of those, most of those are female. We got a great clip, Tom, and I just want to play it. This is a soundbite. And this is Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. And this is him talkingbite. And this is Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. And this is him talking. And somebody found this, and I'm going to absolutely include this as a bumper in our show. So I want to play it.

I think that's a part of leadership is to have some of the guys that have gone before that have been disappointed to share it with everybody involved. For me, it's a reminder. I, too, have been here 23 years. And it is a reminder. I've been here when been here 23 years. And it is a reminder. I've been here when it was glory hole days, and I've been here when it wasn't. And so having said that, I want me some glory hole. So I have that respect. This is like, oh.

Snickering. They're cackling in the background. Oh, Grandpa didn't know what he was talking about Maybe he did Maybe, you're right, maybe he fucking did I want me some glory hole That's awesome Thanks for sending that in, Lloyd We got a great image from Tim

Oh, this is terrific Tim sent in this message It's an image, we're going to post it on this week's show notes. It's of our, one of our favorite congressmen, Steve King. We got a message from Mark, Tom, and there's a story that they sent along that I think is amazing. It's from Metro News, the voice of West Virginia. It's weird. West, the voice of West Virginia. Wouldn't that just be incest? Anyway, it says three West Virginia lawmakers introduced bill to help fund Trump's border wall. I guess there was a budget surplus in that state.

And the delegates, three delegates on Tuesday announced a bill that would take $10 million from the state's current nearly $2 million surplus for the wall. I love that idea that they're taking $10 million. It's even less than the GoFundMe raised. It's like less than the GoFundMe.

$10 million. Let's see. Okay, there we go. Get that divided by $22 billion. Still adding zeros. There we go. And there we go. Okay, good.

We've got that. Anyone's wondering that it's 0.00045%. Oh, percent. Oh, no, I'm sorry. It's 0.0045%. Yeah, forgive me. Okay, wow. Over the way there.

So we're almost there. We're almost there. Nearly there. Yeah. Just another lot to go. If we get several thousand more states that all do the same thing, we're in it. I think as long as we get like, yeah, you're at a tolerance of thousands at this point. So we need a thousand more states.

No problem. 1,000 more states to give 10 million. And then boom. That's a billion. Problem solved. problem solved. Problem solved. We got an image from Aaron and it's of the

hamburger. So we're going to post it on this week's show notes. I love this so much. Oh gosh. This is, you know, while this is also the most terrifying timeline, this is the best timeline. this is the best timeline. It's so funny.

This is the best timeline. Look, I know that we took a sharp left in that space-time continuum. I look around all the time like, no way is this real. There's literally no way any of this is really happening. But would you see a picture of Donald Trump as president

with that fucking face of his? Standing in front of a pile of fast food burners. It really is America to me. I will say, I spend my night sometimes and I'll hear a low-flying plane and I'll think to myself,

do I have only a few moments to live? And then I'll also sit back and be like, no, this is genuinely the best timeline of Sundays. I don't know. I'm very conflicted. Alright, well, we hope you guys enjoyed the latest installment

of Vulgarity for Charity. We will be hopefully doing more of those very soon. Keep your ears posted to when we do it. And when the scathing guys do it, there's still a bunch more to go. So if you haven't heard yours yet, don't worry in the future,

we will be doing a lot more of these. That's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. free energy healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment, Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cars, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts,

shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this the opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only all opinions are solely that of glory hole studios llc cognitive dissonance makes Thank you.