Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 463: No Consumption

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Stories from the Week

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from attorney general bill barr's basement. This is Cognitive Distance. Is that why I have this gym mask on? We're all getting fucked. This episode will be exactly four pages long. It's good because normally it's a lot shorter than that. What we did is, this is the Reader's Digest condensed version. We condensed it from a 300- episode to a four page episode.

In case you're wondering, most things can typically be summed up in 1% of their total length. That's what I told my wife. I mean, I can sum it up in less than that. I can sum it up for you. Actually, let's just sum up.

Let's just, yeah. Look, I mean, to be honest, we've been reading the cliff notes for a long time. I mean, up for you. Actually, let's just sum up. Let's just, yeah. Look, I mean, let's be honest. We've been reading the Cliff Notes for a long time. I mean, he asked you,

who's Cliff? This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad.

It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 463, I think, of Cognitive Dissonance. Yes, if it's not, we'll get corrected. Yeah, we'll just have our editor come in with a snarky correction after the fact. Somebody's got the post-production magic wand, so maybe I'm not even saying this right now.

I don't know. All I know is I write his paycheck. All right, this first, which he certainly doesn't even need. This guy's got like a hundred Grammys

or something. I don't know why he works for a while. I think that's how he goes, like when he goes to 7-. This guy's got like a hundred Grammys or something. I don't know why he works for a ball. I think that's how he goes like when he goes to 7-Eleven, he just pays in Grammys. You know, if I had an award

worth a shit ever, like I would fucking Flava Flav all of those. Like my Grammys are fucking whatever. Earrings. Make them into earrings.

If you have two Grammys, one earring on each side. Grammys would be perfect because you could get like gauges because of that old Edison thing in your ear.

Jesus Christ. That's never coming out of the brain. Thank you. Appreciate that. I love the gauge thing because I always like, what do you do when you're done with that now? Do you just clip the excess off? I don't think you're ever going to be done with it, though.

They keep growing, right? You have to keep on sticking bigger ones in there. Oh, do you? I don't know. I thought you could stop it. That's what my wife keeps telling me about other things. I don't know. I don't know.

What about the trans porn on your phone, Alex? You were going to talk about that. Say that again? Trans porn on your phone. I saw a couple going to talk about that say that again trans porn on your phone you know i saw a couple news articles about that it's ridiculous i was like looking up some reporter we're trying to hire today and it popped up porn on my phone everybody's had porn popping on their phones i probably had porn menus pop up 500 times on my phone it's insane ladies and gentlemen there's two types of people people that look at porn and people that lie about it but i wasn't looking looking at porn. All right, this story's from the Raw Story.

Joel Osteen's protege. A protege has two little umlauts over it. He does. Says the devil is trying to mute him after his mistress releases suggestive voicemails. God, look at this guy. Holy shit. He is a mountain of a man. He's a big dude.

Like, you can tell. There's only a mountain of a man. He's a big dude. Like you can tell, like there's only a front picture of him, but I guarantee there's fat rolls on the back of his head. I don't have to see it. I don't have to see it, but I know. That's a three hot dog neck. That's at least a three hot dog neck.

This one's mustard. They're only mustard. Okay. It's only mustard. Sausage neck Up here Worked for Joel Osteen Osteen Osteen

Who cares Osteen Who fucking cares What his last name is Rich motherfucker Yeah That's for sure And I guess Joel

Turned him loose on the world Was like Yeah Go into the world Yeah And eat their food Or whatever you do He basically tied a pork chop

To the world And this guy ran after it. So, yeah. And, you know, he's got a mistress. Which, well, who cares? Hold on, though. Is it a regular mistress? Because he says,

he said that it was an emotional mistress. Yeah, okay. But, no, legitimately, like, you can emotionally cheat on somebody, right? I think you're right. That's very, very real. You can emotionally cheat on somebody. So that's, like I read that,

I'm like, that's fine. Except for that the, like it's not the extent of it because here's what the fucking mistress or what one of the fucking things said here. In one of the audio tapes, the woman whose name was kept anonymous is told by a man identified as this dude, quote, when you get this message, delete it.

My wife saw our text messages from Friday. She knows you were in the same hotel as me and she does not know that I went to your room. She doesn't remember me leaving. She's got your number. Now, that sounds like a I'm in your hotel room. You know what that sounds like to me? Collusion. We're emotionally cheating in this hotel room together.

I'm fucking you. Did she pee on us? What are you kidding me? She marked her territory. You know, it's funny that one of the previous line here, it says, people wanted blood. and the spiritual side. The devil wanted to mute me. You know what else is filled with blood?

An erection. My mistress wanted the blood, if you know what I mean. I gave her the blood of Christ. I love it when these guys, now this again, now this is not a priest because he's not celibate, right? So he's not a priest. He's a pastor and he's married. But, you know, you look to these guys as your moral leader and then they come out, you know, and they're not. They're not.

They're not your moral leader. And specifically when you talk about Joel Osteen and his ilk, they're just trying to get money out of you. That's a prosperity gospel. They're bilkers. Yeah. They're just bilking. Yeah. That's all they're doing. And like, I don't give a shit at all this guy's got a mistress like i don't

have a fucking covenant with his wife yeah who cares what do i care what i like is that he's like no man first of all we weren't like sleeping together in that hotel room we're just emotionally cheating i'm like well first of all like that's not better yeah like here's the thing honey i didn't fuck someone else i just love someone else so maybe that'll not better. Like here's the thing, honey, I didn't fuck someone else. I just love someone else. So maybe that'll feel better for you. Oh my God. What?

Hold on a second. I want to go in the other room, get a razor blade and pour some lemon juice. Right? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? That's awful. Like that's just,

and then he's like, no, but here's the deal. It's totally the devil trying to keep me quiet, which is why they played my voicemails. Isn't there, but isn't there like always the comment that like, it didn't mean anything to keep me quiet, which is why they played my voicemails. Isn't there? But isn't there always the comment that it didn't mean anything to me?

In this case, it meant something to you. That comment always makes me laugh, too. It's like, it didn't mean anything to me. Why'd you do it? I love that because it's like, here's the thing. I hurt you real bad and I didn't even get anything out of it. All I got out of it was hurting you. Because it didn't mean anything to me.

Oh, God. Yeah, man. That's like actually worse. Yeah, no. And in this case, it's even worse because he's always saying, it did mean something to me. Because he's saying I'm emotionally cheating on the person. That's what I mean.

It's like, I'm just in love with it. It really made, now, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So before, yeah, it really did mean something That's what I mean. It's like, I'm not there. I'm just in love with it. It really made, now, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So before, yeah, it really did mean something to you, I guess. Did it mean as much as dinner? Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness Monster, and the theory of Atlantis.

If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say. This story is great. It's from Right Wing Watch. Fox News White House correspondent in flames QAnon. So this dude, this Fox News correspondent, Kevin Cork, on his coffee cup, he just wrote a Q. He just wrote a Q. Think about how nothing happened when I said that. There were no bombshell reports, no sealed indictments under his coffee.

And the fucking internets went fucking crazy. The Q people are getting more and more. I think what's happening is like the Q conspiracy cult lunatics are getting like more and more desperate for something to happen. Like I think that some point they're starting to feel foolish now.

It seems to be pretty evident. And so they're like, oh, he wrote a Q on there. Yeah. I mean like he's trolling you. Yeah. You're literally being trolled by this guy. And I think it's kind of amazing. What's interesting is you got to just ask, like, what's going on in your life to be excited about a coffee cup with a Q on it?

Like what's going on in your life at this point to be excited about something like that? What's going on in your life at this point to be excited about something like that? Excited enough where he has to delete the thing because people like caught on and it was like becoming a sensation or something in the Q-niverse. I hate myself. I hate myself. Did you make that up? I did just on the spot. And as soon as I started to say it, I was like, oh, I didn't. No, no.

There goes the last of my integrity. Yeah, that's what did it. I was like, oh, I didn't. No, no. There goes the last of my integrity. Yeah, that's what did it. That's fair. Oh, that's fair. Yeah. These guys are just amazing because they're so easy to like, everything means everything. Something is like, like something as blatant as writing a cue. My God, these guys, like they look at the date and the hour and somebody's ties off 17 degrees and they lose their fucking minds. All these little symbols and things that are passed along. It's just how exhausting it is to watch the world and just try to pick out all these like little secret clues that no one else knows. You know, that like that pareidolia phenomenon, you know, where it's like,

like I wonder if there's some people who's like, that part of their brain is just always in fucking hyperdrive. That gene is up to 11. Yeah, for real though. Like if that part of that, like it's just like

that pattern recognition thing is just over firing. You know, for some people, the dopamine you get from video games is very, very important in their life. And it's something that, you know, there's people who died playing video games,

right? So like they get a bigger hit that maybe they get a bigger hit. Yeah. And you know, I don't know if you remember that, that, um, that it was either this American life or it was a radio lab.

And I can't remember which, where a woman, uh, had Parkinson's and she was taking these drugs. That was the radio lab and I can't remember which where a woman had Parkinson's and she was taking these drugs. Yeah, that was radio. And as she's taking

those drugs, she started playing slot machines and couldn't get enough of them because they triggered something in her body. So there's a chemistry thing.

So I wonder too, like, you know, maybe these people have Parkinson's. No, the picture looks to be taken with steadicam. You should see cameras nowadays in town. They can do a pretty good job.

They can do a pretty good job. Put the Michael J. Fox setting on. So there's an image that this douchebag posted and it's an image. Oh, Jesus Christ. There it is. It's an image. I got to open it in a new, it's only a screenshot of Twitter

and I can't click on it to make it larger, but it's an image of the president with a giant Q in front of him and it's the office of the president there. And I think he might've retweeted it. It has two hearts. It has two hearties on Twitter. But yeah, they think that the president now,

specifically after all this this is going to now be releasing everything oh of course because everything that happens means it's coming next I'll be perfectly honest and I'm really not even kidding and this is a terrible terrible thing to say I kind of hope we find out that at least one

celebrity ate a baby not because I want someone to eat a baby not because you would want a one celebrity ate a baby. Not because I want someone to eat a baby. Not because you would want a celebrity to eat a baby. But because it would just be so funny. But if we do, let's make sure it's Gwyneth Paltrow. Okay? Let's do

whatever we can to make sure that the baby-eating celebrity is Gwyneth Paltrow. She's just like, this is how I stay young. She's like, eat the baby fucking feet first. She's like, I like how I stay young. She's like eating the baby fucking feet first. She's like, I like to hear it scream. Hot, wet, and wriggling. Oh, by the way, our lawyer is required to say

Gwyneth Paltrow has not eaten a baby yet. That's funny. When I was thinking about this earlier, one of the things I thought is like, these guys see this, this Q on a cup. Like, could you imagine this guy going through the supermarket

and seeing Q-tips? Like, could you imagine how excited... They'd be like, oh, oh my God. Oh, and they're in your head. Like, it's in your head. Like, Q is in your head. It's like in your brain. It's like reaching in. It's like probing. There's and they're in your head. Like it's in your head. Like it's in your head. Like it's like in your brain. It's like reaching in.

It's like probing. There's a probe, the Mueller probe. It's clears out your ears, cleared of collusion. Boom. Q tips. It's so stupid.

You got there though. You got there. Anybody can get there. I also want, I don't want to, I don't want to alarm him either, but it is LGBTQ. I don't want to alarm him. I don't want to alarm him either, but it is LGBTQ.

I don't want to alarm him. I don't want to alarm him. But that's also... Maybe that's who Q is. Oh, he's seeding the whole thing. He's just part of the gay agenda. God, it's all so stupid. Oh, God. But seriously, if they think that this worked up about a Q,

I kind of want somebody to eat a baby. Because they'll just lose their minds. They'll lose their minds, God. But seriously, if they think that this worked up about a cue, I kind of want somebody just to eat a baby. Because they'll just lose their minds. They'll lose their minds, man. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion.

No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion.

No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No obstruction. Whoa. Whoa. A horror show. Whoa. Whoa. I don't think so. No collusion. No collusion. No collusion. No obstruction. Whoa. Whoa. A horror show. Whoa.

Whoa. I don't think so. Whoa. Whoa. Mueller's probe. Scum on top. And they had to be stopped. Whoa.

Whoa. A horror show. Whoa. Whoa. I don't think so. Whoa. Whoa. Mueller's probe.

It was for justice, now with fraud. So the story comes from Business Insider. The White House will get the Mueller report before the public does in case it wants to make redactions, says the attorney general. The attorney general who wrote a 14-page memo about how— Oh, I thought it was four. No, the other memo he wrote before he was picked as attorney general that said that the president— It's a very, very, very, very high bar for them to get any kind of obstruction on the president.

So he wrote specifically like a memo before. Yeah, he calls that his resume. Yeah, that's exactly what it is, right? Yeah, no, that's not, I mean, that's like a joke, but it's like the saddest joke I've ever heard. This book report about how you're not in trouble is my resume.

That's so sad. On the left-hand side, I bound it with yarn, and I wrote Puffy Paint, my name, across the front page. God damn it. And then I killed myself. Yeah. This is, like, so the Mueller report is done, and everybody knows at this point, but the Mueller report is done. It suggests no further indictments. It did not find any evidence of collusion. Weren't there four report is done. It suggests no further indictments. It did not find any evidence of collusion.

Weren't there four sealed ones still? There were no further indictments. No more further ones now, but there was still four sealed ones that we don't know about. Right. Yeah. And it says basically

that there is no evidence of collusion between President Trump and Russia with respect to the 2016 election. And he punted the obstruction. He did. He didn't make a decision on the obstruction. He punted the obstruction up the chain.

And Rosenstein and Barr, according to this memo, say no. Say no obstruction. But Mueller very clearly says that he is not, he says in the report that this report is not intended to exonerate President Trump. Yeah.

With respect, I'm paraphrasing, but only a little, with respect to the issue of the obstruction of justice, right? Yeah. So, but regardless, it's really important. Like, the Mueller report is in, and it's done, and the American people don't have access to it. Yeah. And I knew that ahead of time, but then like, here it is. And the whole house, the whole house,

bipartisan. Whole house. No exceptions. That never happens. Yeah. And every vote. Every single vote. And like,

we have not been able to get every vote when it was things like, should the 9-11 first responders get medical care? Right, yeah. We didn't all say yes to that. Yeah.

We didn't all say yes to,. We didn't all say yes to, hey, we should pay the government workers during the shutdown. There were people that were like, nah, pass. This, we are bipartisan. Yeah, fucking we should get that. Congress should get that.

We should look at it. We should be able to read it. Nah, instead it'll go to the guy that it's about to see if he wants to remove anything. It's about him. And the Senate, they tried to bring it up on the Senate floor and Mitch McConnell blocked it twice. He blocked it twice. So lest we think, again, I want to be very clear about, I think it's wonderful, wonderful that our president did not collude with the foreign government. I agree. I'm so glad that that crime didn't happen. I don't want that crime to ever happen. It's interesting because the report is clear that there was meddling, that the Russians

did meddle in the 2016 elections. That is a true that happened. It's true that a bunch of people lied about their position and some are going to jail for it. Well, it's equally true that Trump was not involved. President Trump was not involved in that collusion, in any collusion with the Russian meddling. So it's not that the Russians didn't meddle, it's just that he benefited from it, but didn't engage in it, right. Great. Yeah. That's awesome. That's the president I want. I don't want a president that colludes with foreign governments. That's a low, it's a low ask. It's a little ask. It's not a big ask. But I do want to have access to the fucking report because that's the whole purpose of transparency in a democratic process.

Yeah. And I don't think it's like even remotely reasonable that the report is about the guy who gets to read it and decide if you can look at it. Yeah. Like that, like think about how insane that is. Like in what other,

in what other world would you allow that? They didn't do that when it came to when Clinton was to when Clinton was getting fucked, like when he got screwed over, not screwed over, like when he lied to Congress and he did all that stuff and they did all that entire report

with all the things that he was involved in. Right. That report didn't go to him first to see what he was going to take out. Like, what is the point? Like, seriously, what is the point of being like, well, Tom, here see what he was going to take out. I like, what is the point? Yeah. Like seriously, what is the point of being like, well,

Tom, we're going to, here's what we're going to do. We're going to investigate you. And if you did anything bad, we're going to hand that investigation to you. So you can throw those parts away. Then don't bother doing it.

Yeah. Might as well just burn it afterwards. Burn after reading. Fuck. Yeah. Right. I want to point out a couple things. One,

I think we're pretty careful on this show to not say, you know, it's 100%. We've kept on saying, let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. I want to point out that, you know, I think that at the end of this entire process, this is still

a bombshell. This is still very important. The investigation is very important. There's a ton of people who are writing off this investigation. Trump immediately said he was completely exonerated. No collusion. I mean, completely right against

exactly what it said in the report, even. You know, he basically said no collusion. They're trying to take our minds off the fact that one guy is going to be spending seven and a half years in prison for illegal shit that he did with Russians, right? Other people lied to Russia, right? So like important people to the campaign,

very important people. And when you talk about what they did, you know, I know people are going to pass it off and be like, well, they just lied to the FBI. They just lied to the FBI. Well, they didn't lie to the FBI because they thought that they were doing the right thing. They lied to the FBI because they thought they were fucking either committing a crime or doing something highly unethical. Those are the reasons why they didn't lie because they just thought, well, you know, maybe they don't need to know. No, they lied because they were trying to cover their own ass because they either thought A, it was illegal or B, it was highly, highly unethical.

And newsflash, it's highly unethical, right? It's highly unethical to talk to another foreign government. Even if you didn't, quote unquote, collude, you are still doing horrible, horrible shit behind the scenes. And so, you know, I know that people are going to write it off and say, oh, well, it's just lying to the FBI. No, they were lying for a specific purpose. Well, what they'll say is that the FBI never should have questioned them in the first place. And that's not true either. Just because it's okay to have an investigation that finds out that something didn't happen. The only way we get to know if something happened, it'd be like saying like a trial is pointless because we found somebody innocent. Well, that's not true. Or it was a waste of time because it's

not guilty every single time. There's a path to truth. And it's okay to be like, look, we investigated and turns out there were questions. The questions were legitimate questions. They are legitimate questions. We know that Russia meddled in our election. We know that. That is not up for debate anymore. And it hasn't been up for debate for a long time.

And that wasn't what Mueller was even investigating. He was investigating, well, what role did Trump and his allies have in the fact of the subversion of the democratic process. Because the democratic process was subverted. And we also shouldn't forget about Maria Butina, right? Right. Who was a different investigation completely, a Russian agent, right? You shouldn't forget about her. We certainly shouldn't be forgetting about the payments that Trump has admitted to paying to Stormy Daniels ahead of the campaign. We shouldn't forget about those things. And those things were not part of this investigation.

They have nothing to do with it at all. Right. They weren't part of this investigation at all. So, you know, they're hand-waving saying, oh, it's not a big deal. If it didn't implicate Trump, it didn't have any use. And like, no, it had plenty of use. have any use. And like, no, it had plenty of use. Anybody else who was running for office ever in the history of all the time, if any one of those things were to happen to that person, they would be fucked six ways from Sunday. They would know what no chance of them ever getting an office or

staying in office. Somehow this guy is able to stay in office because he's got a ton of fucking sycophants who want to keep him around. Yep. I think that the Republicans have a sense that this is a gotcha moment. Yeah. I think maybe that they, what they think is that I wanted there to be collusion so that I could win the game. What they, what, what it is.

Yeah. And that's what it is. I don't want a bad thing to happen so that I can win a game. Like that's a, like I, I, maybe I give so that I can win a game. Yeah. Like that's a, like I, I, maybe I give a little bit more of a shit about things than sure. Like I don't want to win the game at the expense of like,

Oh, my, you know, my president has been compromised by a fucking hostile foreign agent. I'm glad that that's not the case. I'm still worried about many other things, very much, including Russia. Like I'm absolutely worried about many other things, very much including Russia. Yeah, absolutely. I would not 100% worried about Russia.

This does not wipe off the slate and be like, oh, they're not doing anything. No, and it doesn't even wipe off the slate. Admittedly, here's the thing we know is true, is that the president's son met with people from Russia who offered to give them information to sway the campaign that was like dirt on Hillary. Yeah. And the only reason that didn't go further is because they didn't have anything useful. Yeah. That to me is kind of like, well, I mean, it was an attempted murder. It's like, well, or it's like I went to the chop shop to buy some stuff and I didn't see anything I liked. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I went to the whorehouse, some stuff And I didn't see anything I liked Yeah right

I went to the whorehouse but you know They were all out of blondes So I'm still a good guy Honey I didn't cheat on you They didn't have anybody I was willing to fuck Oh okay well Let's cuddle What are you fucking kidding me

I'm glad you're just at least emotionally not cheating But I want to point out though, too, and this is something I think that's very important and people need to remember. When we talk about the country, we talk about healthcare. We don't have a healthcare safety net in this country. We just don't.

When we talk about economics, we don't have an economics, a very good economic. We have some, but we don't have a good economic safety net. We don't have a political safety net, right? There's no political safety net, especially now when you look at how Mitch McConnell's blocking the process. You look at all these people that are playing gotcha right now and trying to use

this as a tool, as a political tool to point out how stupid those people are. President Trump is sending out to all the TV stations, anybody, any politician who has spoken out and made it seem like there might be some tie between him and collusion and has said that you need to stop these people from coming on your television shows. He's gone out and said that he's going to start investigating these senators now because they committed treason. He literally said that out loud in an interview. I heard him say it out loud that they committed treason by wanting to investigate him. So understand this, people who listen. We do not have a political safety net.

You know the political safety net? It's pull yourself up by the bootstraps, buy your stamps, and vote. That's what it is. There's no, nobody was ever going to get saved by this report. Cause trust me, there's no saving. Cause you know what you would have got?

You'd have got president Pence. That's not a safe. That's not a safe. That's the worst. Okay. You weren't going to get saved. There was never any way that they were going to roll back the clock and be like,

Oh, well, it looks like you colluded with Russia. So Hillary is now president. Wasn't going to happen. There's not, none of that was going to happen. So the safety net is you. You're the safety net. You need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you need to vote and you need to vote for whoever it is that is on the ticket opposite this twat. Hey guys, what's up? Josh First on here. Do you realize that Starbucks isn't allowed to say Merry

Christmas to customers? Well, I decided instead of simply boycotting, well, why don't we just start a movement? So when I went in and I asked for my coffee, they asked for my name, and I told them my name is Merry Christmas. I tricked you, Starbucks. So stories from right-wing watchers. This is Josh Berenstain Bears. Hillary Clinton should be first in line at the guillotines. This is Stories from Right Wing Watch. This is Josh Bernstein-Bears. Hillary Clinton should be first in line at the guillotines. Cecil.

Yeah. Quick question, man. Who lines up for the guillotine? It's like the worst. Is the line for the ladies guillotine longer? Do they go together? Yeah. Oh, we're just going to go powder our necks. They're like drawn with like the eyeliner,

like little dotted lines. Perfectly lay it in there. It's like two women like in side-by-side guillotines. One of them's like, hey, can you pass me a towel under the guillotine? Can you put your bucket under? There's no basket in mine. There's no basket. Have you ever asked anybody

for toilet paper next to you? No. Never? No. Yeah. No. I would just... I would live in that stall for the rest of my life. I just reach in the water and start running. I'll turn into a bidet. This shit water? No, I flush it once

And then I use that It's clean now Yeah, right, okay Yeah, solve that problem You can't get disease from that Are you kidding me? It's a bidet now I just splash it

I'm like hitting it I'm like smacking it Somebody comes in while you're doing this Like, I'm playing it here You're playing it here You start singing the rubber ducky song. Rubber ducky, you're the one

splashing around in the stall. Poopy buddy, you're the one. I swear to God, I'm going to fucking go to a fucking public bathroom with like a thing of water and splash at it

and sing the rubber ducky song. Fucking people out. Immediately, they're just like, I need to go somewhere else. Is there a bathroom in another building? I just walk in like, oh, I'm shitting in the woods.

But anyway, Berenstain here. He is celebrating, Tom. He's celebrating. I wonder what he's celebrating. Let's listen. This camera's so cheap that it's focusing on... I know.

This camera's got an autofocus and it's like a webcam and it's focusing on the thing. He's blowing one of those party favors that you... Yeah, but he's like... He's blowing it like angrily. Like he's like...

He's like... He's making like... God, what a fucking bore this man. And I mean, in every sense of spelling. Here we go. He's going to pass out after that.

Those three, those three hard breaths. And he's just like, Oh God. Okay. Cut, cut, cut.

I can't do this anymore. Oh my God. I'm going to puke a little. do this anymore. Oh my God. I'm going to puke a little. Liberals of America. Oh,

are you feeling a little butthurt right now that you didn't get any collusion? See, now this is exactly what you're talking about, though. This is exact. This is, it's his side.

His side didn't look stupid or they did. I mean, you know, again, if you throw out all the indictments, the 34, the 34 people that were charged and the hundred plus indictments and the fact that other stuff has been uncovered since then. Yeah. You know that there's no big pop at the end.

And he's, he's saying my team in this sense. And it's really genuinely only in the sense that the president isn't involved in this. I'm so happy there wasn't collusion. That would be worse. If I had a party thing, I would be like, yes, excited.

I'm excited that there's no collusion. I didn't want there to be, which is why it's a crime. I don't know why everybody's like, no, I really just, I just wanted them

to commit a crime against our country. But I will say this. I was surprised that there wasn't. I was too. I was surprised. So you've got me on the surprise piece. That's fine.

I was surprised. If you had asked me to lay bets, I would have laid bets. I thought a couple weeks ago when the indictments were slowing down, we had talked about it, I think on the show. And you said,

do you think anything? And I said, I said, I don't think there's going to be a lot going on. It was a couple of weeks ago. I said, yeah, I don't know. I don't think there's going to be anything really big that's going to come out of it. And it was because everything had slowed down. And I had already heard that from other people that were like, no, I don't think that this is going to be a good, you know, smarter people than me sort of told me, yeah, it's probably not going to amount to a lot. And the thing is, is like, like I said, like you say, I'm happy that it didn't amount to that, that especially that, right. We see it, you know, we see how highly unethical it is with the

other people. Not, it doesn't get up to the level of collusion. Evidently, when you meet with people ahead of schedule that you're going to be trying to take their sanctions away. I guess that doesn't meet to the level of collusion. And that's okay that we can't prosecute it beyond a reasonable doubt, I guess. But it sure is fucking highly unethical enough for people to lie about it. That's for sure. Oh, poor babies. All I can say is they called John Gotti the Teflon Don. Well, guess what? Donald Trump is the Teflon Don. John Gotti's a criminal. You realize that John Gotti's a mafia guy, right? He murdered people.

I swear to God I'm doing the thing. When you look around, like, hey, my guy's not guilty of anything. Let's immediately compare him to a criminal. They call my guy the Al Capone of the presidency. Right? You know what? You can't pin anything on the guy who we know does bad shit.

So, winning. Exactly. And that's true too, right? Because you knew that Gotti did bad shit, right? Like, everybody knew Gotti did bad shit. That's why they call him Teflon Don. Because they knew that stuff's not going to stick to him. But they knew he was doing bad shit, right? Like everybody knew God, he did bad shit. That's why they call him Teflon Don. Cause they knew that stuff's not going to stick to him, but they knew he was doing bad shit.

So this is, this comparison suggests that Trump is, he actually did collude like this system and they just couldn't prove it for you. This is not what you're supposed to. This is what you're aiming at. Oh my God. He's untouchable,

baby. Untouchable. No collable no collusion no more uh arrests no more indictments and you know what no more yeah you hear you hear that right like you want to be like josh you hear the word more you there did say more? Like, they didn't do anything wrong. What does that indicate before? I know. Like, what is it? Like, use your words. Let's use your words. It didn't do anything wrong because we're done arresting the people that did all the wrong shit.

So, nobody did anything wrong. Nobody did anything wrong, man. Because there's no more people to arrest. Arrests, no more indictments. And you know what? Let's drink a beer. Here, let's do a little toast. Oh my God, a Michelob Ultra?

That's the crime right now. That is a crime right now. That is a crime. A Michelob Ultra? That's not even a beer. Like, that's a thing you mix with beer to water down beer. There is... I wouldn't water a plant with beer to water down beer. There is.

I wouldn't water a plant I wanted to kill with that. I wouldn't wash my car with that. Are you kidding me? No kidding. Yeah. There is not a circumstance. You're going to shit on Michelob Ultra here. Michelob Ultra.

Sponsor of Glory Hole Studios. What world are you living in where you're like, best choice, Michelob Ultra? That is the choice I'm making today. Like, if you're trying to kill yourself with alcoholism, it's even a bad choice. What are you drinking it for?

I don't know. I don't know. You know, it's funny. When I was a kid, my parents belonged to the Moose Lodge. Okay. There was a guy in the Moose Lodge that they used to hang out with

that used to drink O'Doul's and he would drink three O'Doul's and he'd get drunk off. Really? Yeah, I don't know how it was possible. It's percentages of percentages. Yeah, when I was a kid, I'd ask my dad,

I'd be like, I thought that didn't have alcohol in it. And my dad would say, yeah, but he's, and I don't know if it was just like a mental thing, but he would get loopy on them. Really? He'd get slurry and drunk. That's crazy. Isn't that crazy?

Like either you have like the most sensitive, like you would be hammered after like seven or eight Michelob Ultras or. Or three O'Douls. Or three O'Douls. It's the thing is like, it's a beer you're not drinking because of the taste. Yeah, no. You're doing it because it's the light, low calories or whatever.

If that's the case, just drink a gin and tonic. Just have a water. Yeah. Or drink a whiskey because there's probably less. Like, drink anything. Drink fermented mare's milk,

for God's sake. You know what's funny? I didn't realize this. It's a pint of Merlort. I didn't realize this, but I guess Guinness is relatively low in calories. Almost as low as many light beers. Or not almost, as low as many light beers.

I didn't realize that. Yeah, yeah. Very low. Very low. And it's not a terrible beer. Yeah. It's a beer you can just drink. The thing is, you're drinking it for the taste.

You're not drinking it to get drunk. How many Michelob Ultras would you have to drink to The thing is like you're drinking it for the taste. You're not drinking it to get drunk. Yeah. How many Michelob Ultras would you have to drink to feel something? An infinite amount. Other than the despair of your soul. Like other than the crushing weight of your own marriage. I'll ask you a further follow-up question.

Have you ever met somebody drinking a Michelob Ultra and thought, I like that guy. This guy's got it together? Yeah. No. No. No. Every single liberal scumbag in America.

What about the non-liberal scumbags? What about the liberals that aren't scumbags? Well, I don't know about that, but let's not push things. Okay. You got nothing, baby. Like that Michelob Ultra? That's like literally nothing. He's like shaking at the camera.

He's shaking a Michelob at us like shaking a big giant nothing burger i hope robert muller enjoys russian dressing on his nothing burgers why is he attacking muller like what what's his purpose here muller found the thing you want to be true and now you're mad at him he should be your good guy now well i mean but he asked a lot of questions. Why? Fucking. It'd be like if somebody was going to investigate me for colluding with the Russians. I'd be like,

why would I resent that? Yeah. I didn't collude with the Russians. I'd be like, cool, man. Here's my fucking phone book or whatever. I think they're mad.

I think they're mad because they racially profiled the president. He's an old white guy. He's drinking his beer. He's drinking his beer. He's drinking his beer, guys. That's the grossest thing I've ever seen.

That is the smallest sip I've ever seen anyone take in the history. You can still see. You can still see. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. It looks as if

he just held it up to his lips. That's a prop beer. Is it a prop beer? That's a prop beer. Let me see here real quick. Robert Mueller enjoys Russian dressing on his nothing burgers. Let's see here real quick. Robert Mueller enjoys Russian dressing

on his nothing burgers. Let's see if he drinks. He doesn't drink. He didn't drink it. He didn't drink it. He just held it up to his lips. And then he made a fake. Ah, you're a faker,

Josh Bersin. You're a faker. You have to pretend to drink. No consumption. No consumption. Here's the thing, though. Even he hates Michelob Ultra. You know, beer always tastes better

when you don't drink it. That's how collusion tastes better too. When it doesn't happen. When you've proven people wrong. That's not how this works, actually. Well, you're a dick. Can you imagine if he was like, I think things taste better.

What are you, Noah? He just walked around correcting people so that your food tastes better This guy's name is Will Actually For I don't know three years plus

I've been saying that there was nothing going on in this investigation And what did you say when all those indictments came in though? Like what did you say when those 34 people

were handed off one of the 100 plus indictments? What did you say? None of indictments came in, though? Like, what did you say when those 34 people were handed off one of the 100 plus indictments? What did you say? None of those things counted because they weren't. Oh, there's the Nothing Burger guys as they're like walking Manafort and coughs past him. He's just like, Nothing Burger, guys. Who deserve Nothing Burgers in prison? Sorry, I can't see anything through this Michelob Ultra. I got my Michelob Ultra goggles on.

What do you do with Michelob Ultra goggles? She was a 10 before the Michelob Ultra goggles. She's still a 10. Right, yeah. Nothing's changed because you literally can't get intoxicated off that liquor. There is no tens hanging out in a bar that serves Michelob Ultra.

There is not a woman. I don't know. Maybe like at the fire festival they had some. Michelob Ultra. I thought they didn't have bottled water. They're all by their tents and they're just like

and they're just filling up bottles of Miklo Ultra and then they're importing them back to the United States. It's like it's like Caribbean rainwater. We're never getting that Michelob sponsorship. It's never coming through for us.

Michelob is the beer my alcoholic stepfather drank. Michelob. Oh, God. It tastes like broken dreams I mean seriously I can't even believe It's like still made

I don't know Like I just like Like you could have told me Yesterday You've been like The Michelob plant Because it'd be like It was still open

I know Someone bought it Wait I thought I thought all the World War II vets died You know what Why don't we grab ourselves a Bicolub?

We'll smoke a Winston. A Winston. It'll be the past. So hard, guys. Oh, God. The beginning. As a matter of fact, I put out a video just recently.

And nobody else saw. In which I said that the Mueller report is going to be very similar to the Comey report. And I'm going to post that video in this video. So anybody that- So it's going to be like a Russian nesting doll of videos? It's like a meta video, man. Russian nest. I'm sorry. There's no collusion between these two videos. I'm sorry.

There's no collusion between these two videos. Couch me can go there and see it. But we've got the Teflon Don. Forget John Gotti. Okay. Okay. You said that already, dude. Donald Trump is the Teflon Don. Yeah, Donald Trump is a crook, I guess.

You threw everything at this guy. Everything. You lied. You gave a fake dossier. You bullshitted the FISA courts. So what about like the payment? Do these people think, what do these people think about the payment?

They don't. Okay. Because they just don't. Or if they do, they don't care. Yeah. I think that that's true. I don't give a shit. They don't, none of these guys give a shit.

When it's their guy. When it's their guy. Because this is a team, this is a team game for him. This is all team. The only team the only i mean this is this is gloating after the super bowl is what this is when he was blowing that thing in the beginning yeah when he's that's what it was that's all this is teams yeah that's all it is right you did all these things you had the you know the pissing in hotel room we had like a guy and his branch of government look into him like that's because that's it.

Because it was necessary. To be fair, there were a lot of claims made about Trump that there's no evidence. The pissing hotel room dossier thing. It's funny, but it's not. But it's not. I don't think anybody got real worked up about it. I don't think I don't remember. It was just like it was funny.

You know, it's just like a joke. It's like everybody's kidding around about it, but it's not. Yeah, it's not. But yeah, I's just like a joke. It's like everybody's kidding around about it, but it's not. Yeah. It's not. But yeah, I mean, like, here's the thing. It's like, I will agree that there have been things that have been said. There have been things that have been said about Trump that turned out not to be true. Yeah. And that sucks.

And we shouldn't, nobody should do that. Yeah. You know, we shouldn't say that there is collusion when we don't know if there's collusion. You know, like. Yeah. We shouldn't say that with seriousness. I think it's one thing to tell jokes. Yeah, of course. But it's, we should not do that. That's bad if there's collusion. You know, like, yeah, we shouldn't say that with seriousness. I think it's one thing to tell jokes. Yeah, of course.

But it's we should not do that. That's bad. That's game playing on either side. It's wrong. We can't do it. Yeah. Rooms with dirty prostitutes, all this stuff. And guess what?

They were showering, so they weren't that dirty. And they were porn stars, not prostitutes. Those showers are golden. Got nothing, baby. What? A couple of process crimes? Yeah. You know what you can do with your process crimes?

You can shove them where the sun don't shine. And you can do that in prison where you'll spend three quarters of a decade. Yeah. Or, you know, and they haven't even sentenced Flynn yet, have they? No. Because Flynn got the judge so angry that they sent him away so the judge could cool down. So the judge could pace back and forth

and say, I'm going to kill this fucking kid. I swear I'm going to kill this kid. That's what he did. Yeah. So we don't even know what Flynn's going to do. Well, and there's still

Roger Stone still. Yeah, Stone. And Stone's going on. And Stone's was not just lying. Stone was lying to Congress and then also intimidating people who were like witnesses and shit. And he keeps

like Instagramming the judge. He's gonna get so fucked. He's gonna get wrecked. But there's been a couple like, yeah, a couple of them have been nothing, really nothing. When you talk about, I think it's Gates was the one who just, there was nothing really there. He helped and then he only got like

a day in jail or something ridiculous like that. But, you know, Manafort's no fucking joke here. Cohen's not going to be a joke when it's all said and done. And then, you know, Flynn still has to be, so, and to wave it off as a process crime, I go back to what I said earlier, you know, they knew they were doing something wrong.

They knew they were at least doing something unethical because they wouldn't lie about it. They wouldn't lie about it if they thought that least doing something unethical because they wouldn't lie about it. They wouldn't lie about it if they thought that was on the up and up. They would not lie about it. So the bullshit about like, oh, it's, you know, it's a process crime. They're trying to pass it off as if it wasn't illegal. Right. You're right.

It wasn't illegal, but it was either that they thought it was illegal or it was fucking wrong. And so they didn't want everybody to know. Because if your political opponents know that you did it, and it comes to light, it can be really damning for you. Just like it should be. Because this president was innocent from day

one, baby. Innocent from day one. How does it feel, snowflakes? Hi, snowflakes out there. How you doing? Oh, let me get another sip. You didn't drink. This might even be the same. Look at the level. It's the same level of beer. Jesus. You can't even drink a prop beer. He's gloating with a with a prop beer. Yeah, he's gloating. Yeah. Let me let me go ahead and have sex with this woman. Bag of sand, those boobs.

Yeah, man. nobody believes you. Beer I've ever had. You didn't have any. Under these circumstances. We wish you not drank it. It's the best beer you've ever had under these circumstances. Isn't this a unique experience?

I was going to say, do you find yourself in these circumstances frequently? It seemed like a weird circumstance to be in. What else do we got? You wasted three years. $25 million. It's like two trips to Mar-a-Lago and three years of taxpayer money. All of you, every money have a time attached to it. I, I, my, my wallet doesn't, none of the money in here has like, Oh, this, I wasted $20 of three years. How did I do that? I actually have a,

I have a time change purse on the side. Oh, that's neat. And that's where it goes in. It goes on the side. I can, can you break a year? Like, were we worried that,

I can. Were we worried that like, Mueller was like, better spent elsewhere? Yeah, like, what did we do? Honey, my money's worth. Or did he like, was he supposed to be stopping terrorism or something in that year? Like, like, what did we do? Honey, my money's worth. Or did he, like,

was he supposed to be stopping terrorism or something in that year? No, I mean, that building wouldn't have collapsed if Mueller wasn't. Mueller was inspecting

bridges somewhere. Every single person that said that, you know, there was collusion and that Russian interference and all this other garbage, every single one of you

should be responsible if you're in the media for paying back or you should be fin if you're in the media for paying back or you should be fine okay i agree hard agree hard agree and everybody who lied about weapons of mass destruction in iraq should be responsible for that war so hard agree on that i'm willing to pitch in my a couple dollars if we all put up enough money and we can all pay off this 25 million together you know there's a lot of rich people in the media. That's fine. George W. Bush, where's your money? Yeah, you owe about a trillion dollars. You owe about a trillion dollars. So let's just

get Condoleezza Rice, George W. Bush, Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney. Let's get them all together. Is Rumsfeld even alive? You get them all together or just take their fortunes and we'll put it all back to where it was because they lied about that. Let's let's do that instead let's see how that works out and for defamation for lying assassination of character whatever it is that you want to call yes no character i love it now now here's what you need to do you need to get robert muller on finding his character no evidence of character that's weird That didn't take three years to figure out. He just says it walking away, flipping off

the camera. Now, the good news, hopefully, is that now we're going to find out if Barr's got any balls. Does Barr have a set of balls or not? How exactly would balls help not? What would balls, how exactly would balls help here?

How would balls help you be a better lawyer? Like, would you be able to use them as a paperweight? Like how do balls help? Not for long. I mean, that's just awkwardly squatting over the desk. They're not very heavy. So it's not like you can like hold down a lot of papers either. So I don't understand. Like, I'm trying to think like, what else could I use them for? Wipe down a dry erase board? Like, what else could I use them for? Wipe down a dry erase board? What could I use them for? A Dippmann Foundation letter, apply makeup or something. I'll be honest, at this age, wiping down the board is pretty easy. It's pretty easy. They're very stretchy at this age. That's what we need to find out because the real investigations need to start now.

Vindictively. Yeah, the vindictive investigations like Trump was saying. Right, yeah. It is sort of amazing. It's like, all right, well, you are cleared and that is good. And it's also good that we found that out because it wasn't self-evident. Don't pretend that it was self-evident. There was enough reason to say like, well, let's go find out.

And we found out it wasn't true. And everybody who said that it was self-evident. There was enough reason to say like, well, let's go find out. And then we found out it wasn't true. And everybody who said that it was true does owe an apology, right? It's okay to speculate. But if people said this is a true, that's wrong. You were wrong. That was irresponsible.

Shouldn't have done that. An apology is owed. I think that that's legitimate. Like an apology is owed. But like the response to, well, now I'm going to dig into your closet. Well, like, yeah. Okay. If there's evidence of some wrongdoing.

Yes. But like me and vet, like, cause imagine if it worked like that with, like with, with any other investigation, imagine if the police were like, all right, well, you were a suspect in that murder, but we've cleared you. All right. Well, now I'm going to go ahead and pull your credit, police officer. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Like, that's not how this works. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. That's how we find out what's true. I also think, too,

that there is a difference between a legal term of collusion and a colloquial term of collusion, right? Yeah. Because we can clearly see that they, quote, unquote,

colluded, right? They did collude. Yeah, just not. They just didn't effectively collude. Right. And they didn't do it with the president in mind. And they didn't do it to a degree that warranted a prosecution for that collusion, right? But they did collude. I mean, like, they met with people and discussed shutting sanctions off.

They met with someone looking to give dirt on Hillary Clinton. They talked to the WikiLeaks guy, and the WikiLeaks guy did drop stuff. He leaked. Yeah, so there is collusion, but it's not the collusion that gets you in jail. It's just the collusion that makes you look bad. Well, and I think part of it is that like Trump, people in Trump's orbit may have acted without his express direction, right? So if that happened,

then Trump is not guilty of directing that collusion. But that doesn't mean that it didn't occur. And that's part of why we have this investigation is to find out. See what happened. Because there's no question about whether or not Russia meddled and interfered in our elections process that is a hundred percent especially when it comes to to to the social media

aspect because that the russian troll farm was the one that got got indicted by mueller like they got indicted by the 13 russians were from that russian troll and the russ Russians hacked the DNC email server to fucking leak all those emails and fuck up the elect. There's no question. It's not an open item for debate about whether or not

they interfered in the election. The NSA said they did. The FBI said they did. The CIA said. Every security agency has said, yes,

this is a thing that happened. It just didn't happen in, in this one aspect where he was the one directing them to do. And incidentally, it happened in 2018. It just happened again in the midterms. Yeah. And it's going to happen again in 2020, 2020 for sure. And everybody says it is going to happen and we don't have the tools in place to stop. We haven't done anything about it. And because I think because that stuff did help Trump, he's not going to change.

He's not going to do anything. Why would you pass a law called, I don't want to win again? Oh gosh, that law should pass. So we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons, our amazing patrons. We want to thank specifically our newest patrons, Mark, Bearded Bogan, Demon Haunted,

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patron for as little as $1 a show and you get early content, lots of extra content. We got a message from James and James sent this in. Tom, this is a now James is a very close friend of mine. He sent this in and he, This is a... Now, James is a very close friend of mine. He sent this in, and he... It's an Indiana teachers

were shot repeatedly with airsoft guns in active shooter training? And they, like, made them line up against the fucking wall and then shot them all when they didn't, like, I guess, attack the people with the airsoft guns? They said, this is what happens if you just

cower and do nothing. And then they shot them like asoft guns? They said, this is what happens if you just cower and do nothing. And then they shot him like a bunch. The guy said, they shot all of us across our backs. I was hit four times. It hurt so bad. Later, he says that they're looking to alter language to a house bill that makes changes to the Indiana Safe Schools grant program. He says, what we're looking for is just a simple statement in the bill

that will prohibit the shooting of some type of projectile and staff in an active shooter drill. I feel like you don't need a new bill for not being assaulted at work. What the fuck? You were saying earlier that those safety drills,

those drills that don't really do anything except for scare people. Yeah, the evidence seems to be pretty clear that the active shooter drills are pointless. Like they're pointless for your kids at school. They don't do anything. It's important for the school to have procedures. But for the kids to drill them and for your office to drill them, I won't drill them at my office.

Like we have to do business continuity training. We have to choose between certain disasters that we simulate and run people through. Sure. I won't do the active shooter one. I won't do it because I think it's fucking pointless. It freaks people out. And I also think like, there's no way I'm going to do a fucking training and make you watch a fucking video while you're sitting at your desk. And then you're like, well, that's how I'll really behave if I hear a gunshot. Right, right. Like I look around and be like, I would throw smaller people at the shooter. And a lot of people are smaller. It's pretty easy to start chucking people.

All the women in the office just get thrown. People behave irrationally when they're that scared. You know what I mean? It's like there's a funny Seinfeld episode where George runs out of the house and pushes all the kids out of it when they think there's a fire. But it's true. People act irrationally, you know, like you, you're just going to act differently than you would in a very calm measured situation. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So those, those drills are fucking pointless, but a drill where you shoot the teacher with an airsoft gun. I feel like you should be able to sue for that. Like I came to work and I didn't think anyone was going to shoot me. Then you taught me how to not get shot and you shot me. Seems really backwards. Tom, we got

a message from Christian about gay marriage and this is, he's talking about gay marriage and how people think about gay marriage and how they think it might hurt them. Yeah. So here's what he says. It's just so fucking mind-bogglingly stupid, I have to read it. It says, it's actually a pretty good consensus among the religious kids that recognizing gay marriage actually does directly hurt them. And I was like, what the fuck, how?

And he says, the basic thought process seems to be that, one, gay marriage isn't really marriage. True. Two, even if it were, how would it hurt you? Two, marriage is the only solution, how would it hurt you? Two. Marriage is the only solution, situation rather, in which adults should be expressing affection.

What? What the fuck is wrong with your whole world? Marriage is the only way you're supposed to be. So like, what happens on Tinder? Do you just wave at each other?

What happens like the day before you're married? Yeah. You're just like, I am not to express affection until 3.30 tomorrow. You're a Jedi until then. Right? Yeah, afterwards.

And like your buddies, you can't be like, I'm so glad to see you. You're like, your presence is welcome. We're all Vulcans. You're all Vulcans until, yeah. That's fucking insane.

Three, recognizing gay marriage as equivalent to marriage, you know, like heterosexual marriage, legitimizes an alternative. They don't like alternatives because they view it as oppression. And that's the heart of it. Like something that isn't the thing as I like makes me feel squeamish. Something, something, that's oppression.

Yeah. Everything these guys don't like is oppression. What's that oppression if you just don't like something? Yeah. Like, I don't like fucking strawberry ice cream. It does not oppress chocolate ice cream. That's stupid. We got a bunch of messages,

and I'm going to try to read some of these. This is about, we asked the audience last week, we were like, look, we don't know how it's a crime to either cheat on the SAT or ACT or bribe your way, not into college, because they're not bribing the school. They're bribing individuals to pass their, they're still paying for the school, right? They're still paying tuition. They're just bribing people to get them better positioning on admission paperwork and things like that.

And so we asked, why is that illegal? And Elvis says, it's illegal because the fraud was perpetrated through the mail, which makes it a federal felony slash misdemeanor. And the multiple levels make it a racketeering case. Also heard that large transfers of money are also a fraud because there's some sort of prosecutable crime because you're not supposed to like just give somebody $50,000 letting anybody know about it, right? You're supposed to let people know about it. And so like there's supposed to be some sort of records. I didn't know.

I guess that's what I read. I can't just hand you $50,000 in cash? I don't think, I think you're supposed to like, somehow there's supposed to be some sort of disclosure and whether you disclose that in your taxes or not. And it might be that this guy was like laundering money afterwards too, right? So he's probably getting,

because there's no way this guy got $25 million. He's like, I just have a really good business. Like, you know what I mean? I mean, everything's got to be coming off. I know that they were also

funneling it through charity too. There was a charity that was, I think what the problem is is that they were, they were shifting this money around through that charity and around through that charity and paying through that charity. And that made it look like it was a charity money

that was actually paying people off. Well, that makes sense. You know what I mean? So that might be the problem. Also, we got a message from Joe who says that he, like, there's a, he's talking about why it's a crime to cheat on the SAT and the ACT. And he said that the prime charge in this case is conspiracy to commit fraud.

Fraud is basically lying to someone for someone else's detriment. If I claim to be a manager and I tell you that I can get you tons of auditions, if you give me money up front, that's fraud. Here, the victim is the college because the parents and the go-between guy who flipped and became a cooperating witness were conspiring to put forth falsehoods about the kids so the college would admit them. Admission to college is a scarce commodity and that has economic value, so obtaining it by lying is a crime. That makes sense. That's a great way to say it. Even still, that's going to wash out of my head once

it flushes from the ram, and I'm going to forget this like a goldfish, but I will say that is a great way to say that. He also says that in some instances, the fraud involving fraudulent student IDs are technically government issued, and if the kid goes to a public school, it's a separate crime. So there's other

crimes involved too. And I know that they... That makes sense, we watched that one video where those people in Atlanta got busted for the ACT or whatever they were doing. And they were cheating on the ACT with their students. They were teachers.

And that was economically beneficial to them because they got a bigger bonus if their kids got better, did a better job. You know, we got a bunch of messages about the New Zealand prime minister from a bunch of different people. And I listened to a show after we went, after we got out, because there was just happened to be a show that was playing about her and talking about her. I have a political crush on the New Zealand prime minister. Like she's

awesome. Like she seems amazing. The stuff that I've, that I, that was curated to me seemed really, really positive. Seemed like somebody like, like my favorite part of what she did while she was running was the person who was reporting said that people were asking her, are you going to have a child while you're in office? And how will that affect everything?

And she refused to answer the question because she said, you wouldn't ask a man this question, next question. And she moved on. And I love that. I thought it was amazing. But evidently, people like her so much,

they were coming up to her and saying, how are you doing? You know, like- After the massacre. After the massacre. Yeah. I like the idea of like treating our politicians as if they were human beings.

Oh, that's weird. That are deserving of some compassion. I don't know. Hard to disagree. Oh, we got a message. A couple of messages about socialized healthcare. One's from Natalie,

who was in France when she wound up getting strep throat and basically only paid 20 bucks, 20 euros for a visit and three dollars for, three euros for a prescription

and paid, only paid the 20 because she wasn't a citizen. But where she lives, she has a $50 copay every doctor visit and spends about $200 on medication. And the thing is, I guess that everything worked out great. She wound up healing just fine from the thing that she was in the doctor's office for. And we also had James send us a message and say, yeah, I am in the UK.

I called a generous practitioner last week during the day because I wasn't feeling well. And that night had an appointment and then only paid like eight bucks or something, eight pounds for a prescription. That was it. Seven hours, they got a prescription for under 10 bucks or under 10 pounds because they just-

And no co-pay, no insurance fee. And that's the thing he said, you know, like they'll say things like, you know, under 10 pounds because they just, and no, no copay, no insurance fee. And that's the thing he said, you know, like they'll say things like, you know, like, and we'll get these emails like, yeah,

I have to pay for it, but I don't care. It's like, we have to pay for two and our outcomes suck. Like we have to pay for it too. Like, like I bet your taxes might be a little higher, but I bet you don't pay for health insurance.

You know? Yeah. I bet, I bet the tax increase is not as much as I pay for health insurance. It can't be. I know that it's not. I just know that it's not because there's not one study ever. You cannot find a study that shows that. The only people you're protecting are those

people who are risk takers and don't have insurance. They're like, I'll be fine. Those are the people who are going to take it in the chin. Then you're not risk taking. I think it's like, yes, they're going to take it in the chin. But, you know, then you're not risk-taking. I think it's like, yes, they're going to take it in the chin,

but they're going to get something for doing it. It's not like they're not getting anything out of it. They get fucking insurance. They're not insured they get healthcare. We got a bunch of people have been sending this. This is a Neapolitan image. I'm going to post it on this week's show notes.

It basically is a funny image that talks about Neapolitan ice cream. And we've talked about Neapolitan ice cream on this show. And the best way to about Neapolitan ice cream. And we've talked about Neapolitan ice cream on this show. And the best way to eat Neapolitan ice cream is to throw it away. So, next week, it's our great hope to have a guest on. Yes, indeed. To talk about the Mueller

report. A very knowledgeable, knowledgeable guest. Erudite. Yes, if you will. If you'll go that route, then yes. So we hope that we'll have that, and it doesn't fall through, but we'll have a fun, interesting, very familiar guest to the show next time.

And we will also be, remember, you can catch our live stream. Even if you are a patron, you will get this before our live stream, which is happening Sunday. If you're not a patron, you could catch our live stream that we just did on YouTube or Twitch or Facebook. We did it yesterday. That's going to wrap it up for this week, and we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

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butthurt arising from consumption all information is provided on an as-is basis no refunds produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. Well, here's a cutting room floor explosive for you. Have you had a New York dog? What's a New York dog? I didn't know this. So we had, you know,

Haley's from New York, Chicago, right? So there's this food rivalry thing, right? This sounds terrible already. A while ago, we're at Portillo's. She gets a hot dog. It's Chicago style. So it's got all the garden. So in Chicago, if you don't know, you get a

poppy seed bun, you get a hot dog. The hot dog has mustard. It has this neon green relish that is a color that cannot be found or replicated in nature. Yeah, it's hideous. It has sport peppers. It has a pickle. Tomatoes. Celery salt. Onion.

I don't think I'm missing. That's a Chicago style hot dog. It's a giant pickled salad. It's a Subway sandwich. Sitting on top of a hot dog. I happen to like one about once a year every two, three years. Not even once a year. I'll eat one and I'll be like,

hmm, I am looking forward to burping that later. Because you will. I will burp that way. So she was unimpressed by the Chicago dog. Sure. I don't like them either. You don't like them either. Evidently, a New York dog has a cooked

onion and tomato sauce that goes on the hot dog. It's like onion and tomato cooked into this, into like a street cart sludge that, you know, because it's New York street food. And then that gets ladled onto the hot dog and then thrown in the street, I guess, with the rest of the garbage. Did you try one?

No, not yet, but I'm going to try one with an open mind. I'm going to try one next time I go to New York. That sounds horrifying. For sure. That sounds horrifying. That sounds like literally like the worst thing I've ever heard. The problem with the hot dog is that no matter

what you put on it you still ate a hot dog I just like I'm a purist when it comes to hot dogs it's just a little bit of mustard salt and pepper

that's it you salt and pepper your hot dog yeah I salt and pepper it isn't it made mostly out of salt like the interior of that thing

I don't know the pepper is what I mainly I crack pepper on yeah okay alright like fresh cracked pepper on a a good, I crack pepper on it. Yeah, okay. All right. Like fresh cracked pepper on a good mustard.

I like, I actually like good mustard, but I will eat like a French's mustard on it. Oh, so you'll put like a high quality mustard. If I can, yeah. What kind of hot dog?

What do you get? Like a ballpark? Like a all beef? I like, yeah, I like ballpark, all beef, bun length. Okay.

What the fuck is with a not having a bun length hot? That is the dumbest shit I've ever seen where you get the little minis and there's like two bites of bread at the end. Why the fuck did I have two bites of bread left? I like the ones where the hot dog is a little longer than the bun. I like that because you get the little waggers

on the side. That's at least better than the other way around where you're just like, yeah, no, all we really want is more carbs. It's fucking stupid. It is. It is totally fucking goofy. And I like that they have to advertise.

It's bun length. Why are these all bun length? Either make the bun smaller or make the meat bigger. I don't have to go and buy a seatbelt length seatbelt. Like the seatbelt just works in the car. Like I get in and I clip the fucking seatbelt and it holds me in place. I don't have to be like, you know what I really want is one that doesn't quite reach. That's what I'd be. I'd really like it like that if that's possible. Is there any

other sandwich you would accept that meat bun ratio with? It's so true. For real. Like can you imagine ordering a hamburger that's this big? It's like a quarter size. When you were first, I've done this. A hamburger that's this big. It's like a quarter size. When you were first, well, I know you're a very accomplished cook, but like,

I have made hamburger-related errors where like, if you don't make the patty oversized and kind of indent the middle or whatever, that fucker will shrink up. It shrinks so much, yeah. And like, I have done that

where it's like, I made all these burgers and I have these like little hockey pucks and these great big... Little guys. If I've got people over, I've cut the bread and been like, we got sliders

motherfuckers. That's hilarious. But it's yeah, but there's nothing you would accept that for. You wouldn't be like, yeah, like a Philly cheesesteak and you like laid one piece on there and the rest of it's all just bun. That's the right amount of Philly cheesesteak. Philly cheesesteak

would be best served not on a bun, but in a sewer. I had a conversation with somebody recently who was, so she was trying to tell me that South Jersey, the South Southern part of Jersey is very nice. And I was like, that is not true. I was like, I don't, I don't care what part of Jersey you're in. It's all garbage. Like it's all. And she's like, but we're by Philly. And I was like, yeah,'t care what part of Jersey you're in. It's all garbage. And she's like, but we're by Philly. And I was like, yeah, it's twice as bad.

Wait a minute. Her counterpoint was we're by Philly? And I said, Philly cheesesteaks. I was like, I hear they're the worst. She's like, whoever told you that is blaspheming. I got really upset. And then she started talking about how East Coast pizza's better. I was like, you're high. You're the worst person I've ever met. And then she started bitching

about the party cut pizza. And I was like, back the fuck up on the you're the worst person I've ever met. And then she started bitching about the party cut pizza. And I was like, back the fuck up on the party cut. Were you having a conversation with someone in a home? Like, was this like a Dateline style home where like nobody's taken care of? They're all off their meds. Like, how many bed sores did she have? It's like a work person. And I'm just like, you're the worst work person I work with.

If that was somebody that worked for, I would fire that person. You'd fire that person? Yeah. If you go after party cut pizza, you're fired. Party cut pizza, get the fuck out of here. Especially because like, all those people are like, no, the slices are way better. And you're like, yeah, it's like trying to hold a blanket up.

It's like, when they're like, yeah, it's a regular cut size pizza. And it's like the size of a fucking computer monitor. And it fucking is like, to hold it up, like you need like, when they're like, yeah, it's a regular cut-sized pizza, and it's like the size of a fucking computer monitor. And it fucking, like, to hold it up, like, you need to, like, hold your hands. It's like a fucking, it's like a pool noodle. Like, what the fuck am I doing with this? There's no reason for you to have a slice of pizza that requires a strategy to hold it. Yeah, well, I don't need a strategy.

Because I can hear Heath right now. I can hear Heath's like, oh, you gotta bend it. Well, get the fuck out of here. And then you get the grease luge that becomes... Disgusting. No. What the fuck are you doing?

Do you remember? I don't remember where we were at. I think it was ReasonCon and we ordered pizza and like you had to bend it and the grease did luge. Disgusting. It's weighed out.

Disgusting. Blopped. Disgusting. Onto the ground. No, that's filthy. That was... It's awful. I'd rather eat a sewer rat,

a live sewer rat, than eat that. I'd rather just, like somebody was like, sorry, we're not going to feed you until you take a bite out of this live sewer rat. I'd be like, all right.

All right, done. Fair. That's fair. There's two pieces. There's a piece of pizza from New York over here that I can cover up with later. I will instead.

It tastes like the death shroud of food. You're like looking at it like, is there a bearded guy in here? What is that? I do, the next time I go to New York, I do want to try to find a piece of pizza that's good to eat.

I don't, I think that I've had pizza that's adequate out there. I've had adequate pizza. We didn't, where did we go with Eli? Is that John's to eat. I don't, I think that I've had pizza that's adequate out there. I've had adequate pizza. We didn't, where did we go with Eli? Is that John's? John's?

Yeah, it wasn't terrible. No, it wasn't terrible, but it was like unremarkable in every way. Yeah. I mean, I can't remember it. That's, yeah. I can't remember it at all.

It was just literally unremarkable. What I do, should I take that back? I remember the color of it. It would be like getting excited about a PBJ. Like I, How was your PBJ?

Fuck you. That's how it was. It was fine. I mean, I guess. I like apricot jam. What do you want? Yeah. Skippy and Welch's.

Get the fuck out of here. What's your jam? What's your jam? I like 24 Karat by Bruno Mars. That's a good one. Well, I like cherry. I like cherry preserves. Yeah, cherry's good cherry I like cherry preserves Yeah, cherry's good I like cherry preserves a lot

Apricot for me is where it's at Really? Love apricot on PB&J It's got that kind of like I've never had one Yeah, apricot on PB&J I love, yeah Delicious Kind of musty kind of thing

going on with apricot It's good stuff I've never had it on a PB&J I love it on a PB&J That's good stuff I would not have eaten a PBJ. Like, that to me like, it's like we're talking about

cereal. Like, PBJ is like, in my brain, I had said like, in my brain, that's kid food. So I haven't eaten up until very recently. It would never have occurred to me to eat a PBJ. Like, as an option to eat. Oh, really? Yeah. It just feels like it's like,

yeah. I haven't had one in two or three years. Yeah. I don't eat them very often. Like I, and I don't know why, because they're good. They're good.

They're like great. I would make them for the kids and I'd be like, I'm hungry and not be able to find anything to eat. It weirds people out overseas though. I had a conversation with, what?

With Andy. He doesn't got, I'm pretty sure it was him He was like I don't get Because we talked about You know sweet and savory Yeah At the same time

And he was like Because we talked about biscuits It came up because We talked about biscuits and gravy And he's like Biscuits and gravy I'm like no not biscuits Like your biscuits

Yeah he's thinking of cookies And I'm just like No they're biscuits And he's like Oh what is that I'm like it's like a savory scum Just think about it Like a savory scum

And so we talked about it For a little while And when he brought up PB&J He's like, oh, what is that? I'm like, it's like a savory scum. Just think about it like a savory scum. And so we talked about it for a little while and when he brought up PB&J, he's like, what the fuck is wrong with you people? You are crazy. He's English. They literally don't know anything about food. We were at Luddite. We were looking around. I'm like, God, these people are in shape. I'm like, they're not in shape. They're just starving.

There's nowhere to eat here. There's nothing here. So he doesn't do. No, he doesn't do sweet and sour. No, no, but I don't like,

I feel like peanut butter, sweet and salty. Like I think is what it did. Like that most peanut butter that we buy, like your big brand peanut butter is just sugar. Yeah. It's mostly sugar. Yeah. Like a PBJ is a dessert food.

Like that's like, yeah, no, it's not a PBJ, like a regular, like skippy peanut butter plus jelly on white bread. Yeah. That's cake. Yeah. With plus jelly on white bread. Yeah. That's cake.

Yeah. With just two kinds of frosting. Yeah. There's two different kinds of filling. That's all it is. And white bread, especially. If you can have it on white bread, that's like sugar rush. Yeah.

Yeah. You've eaten and it's like, oh, it's got a little protein. It's like, look at the thing of Skippy. It's got like six grams of protein. Yeah. It's not like, whoa, is that a pork chop? Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's not a boneless, skinless chicken breast. It's not like, whoa, is that a pork chop? You know what I mean? It's not a boneless, skinless chicken breast. That's for damn sure. It technically has some, but you're basically eating frosting on cake. Eating protein powder frosting.

Which is good. Yeah, yeah. You know, but let's be, yeah. Let's be real honest. So let's go back to the sausage neck.

Thanks for listening. Ta-ta.