Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 497: Vulgarity for Charity Part I

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

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Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It pauses to consider its options. I could have edited that out until you said it paused. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome at this episode number 497.

See, so we are creeping ever closer to that magic 500, buddy. Yeah. And this week, if stick around for later on in the episode, clearly by the name of the episode, you'll recognize this is Vulgarity for Charity time. We will have the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm guys on to do a little Vulgarity for Charity later on in the show. So definitely stick around for that.

And don't stop donating. We are right now creeping up and then this is like a couple of days in at this point. We're only a couple of days in. We're creeping up on 20 grand and we're only a couple of days in. We can absolutely catch all hundred thousand of that. We could do it. All you have to do is just dig deep in your pockets. Help somebody this holiday season. All you have to do is go to modestneeds.org. $50 or more will get you a roast. We hope that you donate more. Pick somebody whose story

is something that touches you. Pay Modest Needs. Send us proof of that at vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com. That's the word, not the number. With who you want roasted with an image. If it's not somebody famous or a description, if it's not somebody famous and we will roast them in an upcoming show, we're going to be doing some of those roasts today. We're so excited for

charity. Please spread the word. Even if you can't donate, spread the word for us. Listen up piggies. I want a hovercopter and a non-mark sandwich and a new face with like a, a Hugh Grant look. And every five minutes I don't get it, someone's going to get stabbed in the ass. All right, so this first story comes from HuffPo. SPAC Nation scandal. SPAC Nation.

Church fighting knife crime fails to act on rogue pastors flourishing in its ranks. I'm going to read that headline again real quick. You know what? Because it just needs a moment. It reminds me of like, I don't know, like a module of Dungeons and Dragons.

Like that's what it reminds me of. But go ahead. Because you got rogue, you got knife fighting in there, you've got church. So there's a cleric, there's a rogue, there's cleric.

Anyway, keep going. Real quick. I read a headline when I was just reading, I was just reading through the news and I read this, stopped and read this headline and it was something like,

Russian historian caught drunkenly disposing of severed woman's limbs in river. What? And I was just like, I would never click on this. I'm 100% clicking on this. And it is 100% exactly. It's just like- It is as advertised?

Yeah, there's this Russian historian who's like an expert in Napoleon Bonaparte who's standing. And he cut her bones apart. He gets caught drunk as a skunk. Shut up. Chunks of dismembered woman into a river. Shut up.

Just like, it's amazing. I think he was dressed in a Napoleon garb too. Like it's like, seriously, as a battle reenactor. It was the crazy, it was just one of those headlines Like it's like, seriously, as a battle reenactor, it was the crazy, it was just one of those headlines where you're like, yeah, all right, you got me on this one.

I can't wait for the Netflix documentary. I'm so excited for that right now. All right. So this is a crazy story. This is a story out of the UK. So I guess, first of all, knife violence.

I got to stop and talk about knife violence. Let's talk about knife fighting. Yeah. So, so number one, knife violence. I got to stop and talk about knife violence. Let's talk about knife fighting. Yeah. So number one in knife fighting is distance. Keep your distance as far. And distance means if you see a knife, run away. That's the distance you want to have for knife fighting. I love the violence in the UK

because it's basically just an accelerated version of tag your it, right? And if you hit him in the right spot, it's freeze tag. I mean, like, I'm not, I'm not like, is there any glue? Is there a place I could stand? I'm not.

Is there any place I could stand and I'm not going to get stabbed? Wait, is it glue or ghoul? I always called it glue growing up when I was a kid, but it's ghoul for some people and it's base for like the people. I guess out East it's base.

Yeah, this is like a cultural thing. I don't know why I remember as a kid being like, I'm on ghoul. And I'm like, I don't. We used to call it glue when I was a kid. It was glue. Cause I think we were all just stupid. So we couldn't.

Well, ghoul is no better. Well, ghoul doesn't even make any sense. Like what is that? Blood. I am a ghoul. Why are you standing at me? You can't stab me. I'm incorporeal.

But anyway, so this, let's talk for a second about knife fighting. Yeah. Knife fighting, one of the things is I used to train with this guy. He was a personal trainer, and I was working with him and he's a,

he's a many years fencer too. And it was perfect for me because I was able to like train for my fencing with him at the same time. So I was, I would like do actual weightlifting and then we would talk about like,

so what muscle groups I needed to work on to make my fencing better. It was actually a really great situation. But that dude had so many stories about like, cause, cause he just was in the culture of like that sort of thing.

He's a Krav Maga specialist and all kinds of crazy shit. And he would talk about the knife fights that he had seen. And you're just like, and he's like, you don't understand. He's like, he's like, sometimes the human body is like still fighting. You could hit it like a hundred times with a knife and it's still going. understand he's like he's like sometimes the human body is like still fighting

you could hit it like a hundred times with a knife and it's still going he's like and sometimes it gets hit just one magical time and it just falls right over but you know like you could get you could get stabbed dozens or hundreds of times and still be quasi-functional it's a really crazy have you ever seen like like somebody getting shanked in prison like a video of that well i i haven't like most from what i have to understand like most knife fighting goes one direction like one guy has a knife yeah and the other guy just runs over like and then the other guy's like oh my whole and that's what that's what this is that's what this is because it's not like you're a west side story tying your hands it's not like you're a brit walking down in your nice suit with your fucking little tweedle d hat and you're a- West Side Story tying your hands together. It's not like you're a Brit walking down in your nice suit

with your fucking little Tweedle Dee hat. And you're like, and they come over and you're like, that's not a knife. And you pull out your knife. That's not how this works. When they say knife fighting, what they mean is the fighting is one way. It's a one way street.

The fighting happens on this end and you're on the receiving end of the fighting. So that's what they're talking about. They call that trying to get a Popeye's chicken sandwich. Have you heard that shit? Oh yeah, it's crazy. Like some woman got body slammed in the parking lot. Unbelievable.

Some other dude got stabbed. Unbelievable. You know, I will say this though. I would 100% eat a Popeye's chicken sandwich and I would 0% eat a Chick-fil-A sandwich. So I think I'm cool with that. I just don't think I would. I would brave.

I would even brave the dangers of getting a Popeye over a Chick-fil-A. Love that stabbing at Popeye. What the fuck is going on? Like, I want to have a world. I want to live in a society where it's like, we got a problem with stabbings.

Like here, we're just like, we got a problem with stabbings. Like here, we're just like, right. Some dude shot 60 people. Right. The difference, the difference is stunning. I mean,

we talk about it, the guy in China when he had like the machete injured 10 kids. Right. He didn't murder 30 kids. Right. You know, it's a difference. That is like,

that's the world I want to live in. I want to live world. I want to, I want to be solving a problem where it's like, sometimes people run up and stab you and be like, yeah, we also, because the thing is, like, don't forget we have that problem too. Yeah, it's not like we don't have that problem. It's not

a zero-sum game where it's like, well, nobody gets stabbed. It's like, no, people are also getting stabbed. It's just nobody bothers here to be like, well, we should address the stabbing problem. We're like, nah, we got to get our hands around the shooting problem first. It's not like people stopped using their fists

the moment we got guns. Right. You could still get your ass beat in Chicago and get your shit taken. That's perfectly, that's perfectly possible. That's a valid way

to be assaulted here. It's perfectly possible. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Look, we don't discriminate. We assault, we will assault you any way we can here in Chicago.

Equal opportunity. Guns, knives. Hell, I'll hit you with my car if I have to. I don't even care. Hell, you know what? Sometimes we'll fake it and call the police and make a whole thing of it. All right. So what's crazy about this story is there was a church that was really holding itself out as like a beacon of hope to try to like solve this knife violence problem.

And I don't want to shit on violence, right? No. Any kind of violence is something that the society has to contend with. Absolutely. All jokes aside. And genuinely, it's a real problem. It's something that is, you know, scary for some people who live over there. You know, I'm sure that that would be terrifying to, you know, think that terrifying to think that you could get fucking knifed.

Yeah, absolutely. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. So what this church was doing instead of solving the knife violence problem is they were finding at-risk youth and then encouraging them to take out loans. $5,000 loans for some of these kids. Right. Yeah. And then, like, so these are people that's like, oh, you've got nothing.

You're an at-risk youth. Why don't you borrow some fucking money? I don't even know who's loaning these kids money, first of all. There's student loans. What was crazy is it's student loans. And I wonder, I know that they have some college paid for over there.

Like, there's some university. I don't know exactly what their system is in the UK. But I know some of their university is paid for, like, so you can get it. But my suspicion is, is that in order to like live at the university and other stuff like here, you would need to take out some sort of loans in order to facilitate you going to a university.

But like, don't most, I mean, in most cases, at least here, now your student loans have to be co-signed by a parent if you're a student. I don't know anything about that, yeah. So like, I just, I'm just curious. Like, I don't know how that works. But they're making these kids take out loans and they're like, great. Now that you have the money from the loan, you should just give us that money from the loan.

Yeah, it's what they call seed money. It's prosperity gospel stuff. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And yeah, it's definitely, yeah, it's all prosperity gospel. And so give us a little bit of money now. We can, you know, and then you'll get money back.

And it's basically opening up, they're saying it's opening up the channel for God to then, because God is just like, well, I can't connect unless you call me first with a lot of money. You know, like I don't even get it. I can only hear people from inside a Lamborghini

like if you don't have a Rolex on your wrist holding the phone I ain't gonna listen and these guys yeah it's these guys want you to do

the seed giving which is different in the Catholic Church by the way they want you to give the seed giving they want you to do the seed giving

and they require you to give them you know they don't require but they suggest it and they give out 200 pound envelopes. They're like,

give us 200 pounds or 250 pounds. I forget what the number was. There's a relatively high figure. the, but they, they require, they don't require them, but they ask them to do it.

And then the people feel like they're super pressured into doing it. And then they take the money and then they, they sort of do a, I don't want to call it clever. A devious thing is they'll take your money and someone else's money and then they they sort of do a i don't want to call it clever a devious thing is they'll take your money and someone else's money and someone else's money and get a big fat role and show how much money they have because god has clearly given them money and then they will also give some of that money away right and they are ceding to the group because they're giving the money away to get

these people to come in so that then they can it, it reminded me a lot of like a multi-level marketing, right? It reminded me of, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's like a pyramid scheme. And in a lot of these multi-level marketing companies, you can go into debt doing the exact same thing, right? Just, just trying to, you know, realizing and thinking, oh, I got to get ahead. So I'm going to take out a loan or I'm going to put this on my credit card this month or those types of things. So that's really possible. I love the idea that they like show off their wealth. It's like, Cecil, can I borrow 50 bucks? And then you hand me 50 bucks and I'm like, look at my 50 bucks.

And you turn it into singles and you make it rain. Right. And you're just impressed like, well, I used to have 50 bucks. Shit. Oh, I liked that a lot better than when I gave. Here's the thing, Cecil. If I get a room full of 20 people and everybody gives me $100, I'll have more money than all the people in that room.

It can't lose. So let's do this thing where one person's the pilot and the other people are co-pilots. And so the devious thing here, though, is that it's actually so some of these people are being supported by the government because they want this crime to go down. Right.

And then they're sort of being supported by these politicians in the background. And, you know, people over there and the politicians all want the crime to go down, but they're sort of giving credence to a group of people that is like literally stealing from the poorest most marginalized group over there it's such like a transparently evil scam that if it didn't have like a religious element right in front of it like just just like just fucking just skimming the outer rim of it a little bit like right, exactly. Because that's all it is. It's the thinnest fucking veneer.

It is. Like, if it didn't have that, it would just be like, well, what we do is we take money from poor people. Yeah. Because we don't want to be those people. I mean, literally, your mission statement is, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take. Take.

The end. What the fuck? Jesus. I said your name is Tobey. Kunta Kinte. Damn. Steve. What'd I say about him so hard, man?

I'm sorry, are you alright? The Roots. 25th Anniversary Commemorative Edition on DVD. Including our wall box. This story comes from LGBTQ Nation, which is not the easiest thing in the world to say. Not at this hour of 11, 15 a.m.

Six gay men will be imprisoned, fined, and whipped for attempting gay intercourse. I want to read part of this. It says, An Islamic court in southwest state of Selangor handed four of the men six-month jail sentences, six cane strokes, and fines of RM 4,800, which is about almost $1,200. It's a little less. It's actually about $1,150. And a sixth man received a seventh-month jail sentence, six cane strokes, and a 49 RM fine. And I'm just curious

what you do to get the extra month. Like, what was he doing for that? Like, was he in costume? Like, what did he do to get that little bit of extra? He's the one with the ball gag. I know, right?

Yeah. You know what, man? Just, okay. I wore it, but I didn't like it. I don't know. This shit is like, this whole idea

that you're going to take people and be like, you know what? You were, we caught you trying to have sex. And it's like, well, can't you just, if you're going to whip the shit out of them,

can't you let them get off first? Really? No, it's terrible. Obviously, it's, because some people want to get whipped while they're getting off. That? No, it's terrible. Obviously, it's... Yeah, because some people want to get whipped while they're getting off. That's just how it works. This is not respecting the safe word,

is the problem, which is, oh, stop whipping me. The safe word is, one ticket out of Malaysia, please. No shit, man. That's the safe word if you're... No shit. And it's true because there's a lot of people

even in this that are just like, yeah, you know, they're terrified of what's been happening over there and it's at the end of the article this article especially i really like because we talk about how these laws came into being because of they were it was a british colony because it was you know the british colonies came through and you know that they brought this law with them. And now it's just being reinforced by Islamic culture. Right. Yeah. And the draconian corporal punishments that are involved in Malaysia, like we've covered a bunch of stories in Malaysia where they're just like,

well, I don't know, just fucking beat him for a while. Beat him, throw him in jail, fine him. Like they really want you to run the gamut of like getting fucking punishment. Just throw the fucking kitchen sink at him. Like we're literally gonna throw a kitchen sink that's the second violation i want to read this too it says in 2013 the malaysian government sponsored a touring musical to teach young people about the dangers of being queer you couldn't find anything better than a

musical okay we don't want people to be gay. Head down to the theater, boys. They all link arms and they're kicking their legs up in the air and singing a song. And damn it, man, we've got to clean things up. Head to the bathhouse. I don't get this at all. But genuinely, this is a normal thing. It's almost like you could cover these stories every week, just like you could cover priest raping kids every week. And it's because of

the religious culture out there that you get these people getting physically beaten in front of everybody. And again, it's also shaming too, right? So it's not just you go to jail. It's also shaming. Right? We do that here in the States when they, when someone goes to get a prostitute or whatever and then they take your photo and they put it in the paper or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We do that here in the States. Right, yeah. I forgot about that. Like, yeah. We do it. And there's many,

there's many districts that'll do it. They're like, just put your photo in the paper, you know. That's why I carry, I carry stock photos. I'm just here. Use this one. It's a nice, the lighting is better. I like my hair in this one. It just looks better.

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, they'll, there is a, there's a, there's a thing that we do where we just shame people for a certain,

and this is, and this is one of those things that like, you shouldn't be shaming anyone for, but you know, they're good. Nobody should care. Like they, they're trying to have consensual sex with each other and the government's and the thing is like we're we think in the states sometimes i think we have kind of a holier-than-thou attitude and and sometimes we're right to have it but often we're not we're like we're just like an inch away

from the same kind of behavior are we beating and whipping and caning people right no we're just like an inch away from the same kind of behavior. Are we beating and whipping and caning people? No, we're not. But, you know, is it very recent that sodomy laws were overturned? Are we still in many ways shaming people for what they like to do consensually in the bedroom? Abso-fucking-lutely. This is like, this is the extension of big government morality policing, right? It's because it's literally policing morale exactly it's policing victimless consensual behavior and like punishing that with a beating

these canings remember that kid who got who got caught i think it was in like singapore or something this was like 20 years ago he got caught doing something like vandalizing or something and they were going to beat him with a cane and so then it came out and there was all these stories about like, well, what does caning really entail? It's fucking horrible, actually. It's not like getting like walloped a few times and then, you know, sent back. It's like a big leather belt or something. Like this is potentially disfiguring.

Like they hit you very, very hard with specific rods or canes that are made to lacerate the flesh when they hit you. It's a big fucking deal. Yeah. And, and, and, you know, getting six of those in a row, seven of those in a row for one of the guys, he's going to get an extra, he's going to get a pinch to grow an inch there at the end. But, but you know, like you get an extra, you get like seven of those in a row. You're absolutely disfigured yeah now jenna medically speaking for your height your weight puts you in what we call the disgusting range fortunately there are solutions for example crystal meth has been shown to be very effective sister comes from

lgbtq nation which i pronounced much better this time uh a second judge tossed out trump's rule that allowed doctors to discriminate and i thought this was particularly interesting because it doesn't just allow, it would not have just allowed doctors to discriminate based on sincerely held religious bigotry, but it would have allowed other non-medical people within a medical setting to discriminate. So basically like, if you're just a bigot and you happen to work for one of the most important

categories of organization, healthcare, and somebody came in and was like, I need a something and I don't even care what it is. It's fucking materially irrelevant.

And then they were like, well, yeah, but I sense that you're gay. I don't like it. You're a trans person. Right. Whatever it is. Yeah.

You know, the other part of this that I'm not sure people. You're going to have an abortion. Right. That I'm not sure people really fully consider is like, let's say we did enshrine into law the ability for people to discriminate based on sexuality. You don't fucking know other people's sexuality yeah unless they declare it to you yeah right so if somebody comes in i don't care how many sort of markers there are that are stereotypical and that set off your kind of gaydar right you could still be wrong you can't tell like it's and it's not and we shouldn't be

able to tell and like i just want to put that tell. And we shouldn't be able to tell. I just want to put that caveat out there. You shouldn't be able to tell, and it doesn't matter. It's none of anybody's fucking business, and nobody should be discriminating anyway. But it's also, if you just pause and think for a second, you don't want to live in a world where the receptionist at the fucking hospital who's checking you in is also checking you out

to decide if they like your lifestyle, if your lifestyle comports with their particular individual set of moral convictions, and then decides whether they'll take your fucking insurance card or whether they'll write your name down to get you in line so that you can actually see somebody. You know, like you don't want to, none of us want to hand over power, but we're, but, but bigots are very comfortable asking other people to hand over the power. Right. Like, but, but what they're not recognizing is that there's no, like, we're not wearing

a fucking t-shirt. So even if you were a shitty, horrible person that wanted to live in a world that disadvantages a certain group based on your moral principles, just to recognize this, like recognize it doesn't mean you won't be discriminated against. So even acting on purely selfish motives, right? Which I'm not a proponent of purely selfish motives. But even acting on purely selfish motives, there's nothing to say that somebody won't look at you and say, I don't like such and such. I suspect this and that.

I am intuiting something about you, which could even be mistaken. And as a result, I am going to deny you services. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's interesting too, because like, what would you say if this was the post office, right? Right. You know, we talk about, you know, healthcare as a human right, right? We talk about it because it means something. It's genuinely a human right to have healthcare. And, you know, we talk about all the other services that the government provides. What if the government were just to say, sorry, I don't want to provide you with this. They tried to do that shit in fucking with that, that one crazy lady down in Kentucky or whatever. She was like, I'm not going to give you a marriage

license, even though it was against, it was, it was the, the state was like, no, I have, we have to give her, no, I'm not going to do it. You know, whatever her name is. I don't even remember her name. Cause she's a fucking, she's a blip in history. She's been forgotten. No one remember. I don't, I'm sure other people remember her name, but I don't remember her name. Right. So the idea that we just like say, you know what, I'm not going to, I'm going to choose not to, to help you where in other places in the government, could we allow that to happen? Like, what if a police officer shows up to your house? Yeah.

And he's like, you know what? I don't want to help you. You're gay. I'm sorry. I'm not going to investigate this crime. I'm not going to put your house or your fire in your house out. I'm a fireman, but because you're gay or because you're, you know, whatever it is, you're a trans person. I'm not going to give you CPR. I'm not going to give you CPR. And that's, you know, how much of a human right is that, right? How much of a human right is it for us to live in a country where there's, you know, a chance we could still survive if someone were to help us, but instead they're going to, they're going to be like, no. And what religion is it? What religion

out there is it that we say, you know what? I don't want to give you CPR because you're gay. Fuck you and your religion. That is an awful shitty religion that we should not you know what? I don't want to give you CPR because you're gay. Fuck you and your religion. That is an awful, shitty religion that we should not be enshrining in law. We should be throwing that out and say, you know what? No, sorry. Because it's not even remotely humanist, right?

It's not even remotely there. There's so many more better, more ethical ways to live. And to say, you know what? We're going to roll the clock back to a less moral time. I'm sorry. I don't think that shit should stand. If you want to do that in your own home, whatever. But if you choose to take a fucking job that is, you know, you, some people are relying on you and you decide, no, I'm not going to do that. You should lose that fucking job, period. A hundred percent of the time.

going to do that. You should lose that fucking job, period, 100% of the time. Why take a job serving the public if you despise a portion of the public? And actually- And it's a large portion. I'll go, yeah. And I'll go a little further. It's okay to despise people and still provide them services. Anyone who's ever worked retail despises 99% of the people who walk in the door. Especially those people that come in 10 minutes before close. Yeah, right. Oh, it's fucking 6.30 p.m. on Christmas Eve

and you're yelling at me because I'm out of stock on the thing you waited six months to buy. Exactly. Yeah. We are not friends in this moment. Nonetheless, I'm ringing you up or quitting my job because I understand those are my fucking options here. I like capitalism. I love competition. I'm more competitive than you. I don't think so. I think

so. Settle down. No, settle up because the bill's been paid and I've paid it and I've won. Capitalism is the only way, Leslie. It moves our country forward. It's what makes America great and England okay and France terrible. So the story comes from TheWeek.com. I've never heard of TheWeek.com. This is a pretty good article. Think young people are hostile to capitalism now. Just wait for the next recession. So let's talk a little bit about the next recession. So the next recession is almost certain to come,

although I did read something interesting this week that said that the inverted yield curve, which is a traditional predictor of recessionary times, that there's some rebalancing that's going on. It looks like we may skip the recession. So the Fed's cut rates a couple of times. Yeah.

What are they at now? Like, are they really low? It's very low. Yeah. Yeah, it's very low. There's very little wiggle room in the Fed interest rate. So that's the rate at which banks borrow money. Yeah.

And so that rate is very low. It never actually got up to the point where you would typically want to have the Fed rate be as a cushion against recessionary pressures, right? So it's troublesome not to have that tool in our toolbox, right? That's one of the scary things about having rates be so low and then the economy not be very, very strong is that when the economy slips, you don't have anything. There's no wiggle room.

Right? Yeah. There's no lever to go pull. Yeah. There's no shit switch. Yeah. You're already at the, you know, you are 100% pedal to the metal.

There's no way. You can't turn it up to 11. Right. Exactly. It's like, how are things going? Oh my my god they're going fine nobody blink ever yeah that's like this that's like that's kind of like what you're at it's like it's like holding on to a bugatti veron with the pedal all the way down you're like i haven't crashed yet yeah like i can't control this exactly yeah so it's kind of like that.

But what's crazy is like after the Great Recession of 2008, the recovery has been slow and relatively sluggish. Yeah. And so is the economy better off now than it was during and immediately after the recession? Absolutely. But almost nobody would call what we have now a strong

or robust economy. It feels tenuous. Well, that's what I was going to say. A lot of what I read says a lot of the big markets that the economy depends on are kind of on a knife's edge. And they're kind of always on a knife's edge. So they might be performing now, but they're not, again, there's not a lot of wiggle room in the system, right? So if things go a little off, a lot of dominoes fall very quickly. Yeah. So young people, young people are in a place, particularly millennials, that they kind of grew up during that great recession, right? And so a lot of them graduated and went into school around the time of the Great Recession.

They saw their career and employment opportunities and prospects collapse all around them. Completely disappear. They were sold this boomer idea of go to school and spend a trillion dollars. It'll totally be worth it. You're going to get a good job

when you leave, yeah. Now there's a huge number of people scraping by on the gig economy with no benefits and all the rest of it. And we're having this renewed dialogue about socialism

and about capitalism and about the relative merits of both. And this article really is like, look, we're having these renewed dialogues

about how capitalism is potentially a very destructive way to think and move through the world, just wait till the second drop. Because there have not been a lot of benefits that young people have enjoyed from the so-called robust economy. There's no reason to continue it. They look at it and they say, you know what? There's no reason I should keep going in this direction because I haven't gotten anything out of it. I've been scratching by for the last 10 years.

These aren't, we forget that millennials aren't young, right? We forget that. We think, oh yeah, the millennials. Yeah, they're young. They're the young kids. No, they're not young kids. They're in their late 30s. They're adults.

They're almost middle-aged adults, right? These are people who are at this point, you know, they should have, if their parents were right and if, you know, right? These are, these are people who are at this point, you know, they should have, if their, if their parents were right. And if, you know, their grandparents were right, they would have already scraped by enough to be comfortable. And a lot of them are not even close to comfortable. Like you said, gig economy is one of the things, you know, Uber and all that stuff. That's all gig stuff. And then you start talking about too, the, um, one of the things I was reading another article this week, and it was about how your time,

when you apply to certain jobs, they expect you to work flex time. They expect you, nowadays, many jobs, expect you to work overtime. Expect it. They expect, and they're like, you have to work overtime. You have to work, if we want you,

you have to work weekends. If we want you, you have to work overtime. You have to work. If we want you, you have to work weekends. If we want you, you have to work nights. You have to do it or else you're just going to be fired. You don't, you don't have a choice. So when, when we were growing up, it was like, you knew what your hours were, right? Like, I remember we've been working at McDonald's. The sheet at McDonald's was you'd walk in and you'd look and it'd be like, okay, I'm working noon to five on this day, blah, blah, blah.

It was two weeks in advance and the schedule was up all the time. It was there. Now they're talking about like Amazon and stuff. You just have to just, you don't know what you're out. You know, kind of what your hours are going to be, but you are on their, you are on their clock, not the other way around. There's no work-life balance.

So they've been fucked that way in the sense that they're, you know, their time isn't their own. They've been fucked monetarily in the sense that they don't have wealth that they've accumulated at all in an economy that all it does is fucking jerk itself off to wealth, right? All it does is objectify wealth. And so they have nothing. I mean, they have some, and I'm sure there's plenty of successful millennials out there, but there's also plenty of unsuccessful millennials out there that haven't had an opportunity to grow anything. And so now you're looking at a chance where, you know, back in 2008, when Obama bailed out everything and tried to fix the economy,

there's a part of this where they're like, yeah, Barack Obama saved capitalism. They're like, in this article, it's like Barack Obama saved it. It saved capitalism from what it could have been. It could have really fallen off, but he saved capitalism by, you know, I mean, it was Bush who bailed out the banks and Obama, you know, put in policies to help make sure that, you know, that curve went up rather than, you know, just being a fucking jump, jumping right off a cliff.

And so we're in a position now where, you know, if there is some sort of bump in the road, there's nothing there that's holding these people to these ideals that all the boomers and all the other people have. There's nothing there that's holding these people to these ideals that all the boomers and all the other people have. There's nothing there that's holding them to them.

And so they're stuck. They're like, we're in a position, think about it recently, Tom. We talked about this and I don't know if it made the show, but there was a group of people. There are a bunch of CEOs

that got together and they were like, yeah, hey, we're going to put together a brand new list of shit that was more important than giving the stockholders money. Do you remember this day?

I do, yeah. A bunch of these CEOs. Big names. Big names and CEOs came out and did a hand job and said, yeah, what we want to do is give all our money. We want to distribute our money differently. It's not, the CEO isn't the most important thing. The stockholder isn't the most important thing.

We're going to start shifting our focus away from that sort of thing. Well, I'll tell you what, stockholder focus has fucking wrecked this economy. It's turned this economy into a quarterly economy that has no long-term view. Yeah, and young people do not hold the same kind of... I think during the Cold War, the ideas of capitalism, which are economic ideas, became so enmeshed with these sort of social values around what it means to be American and the existential threat posed by this kind of fascist, communist, socialist state. And we swung really heavily over toward that capitalism as a social good, right?

As an inherently social good side. And that carried for a long time. So during the Cold War, after the Cold War, that idea really kind of carried the day for a long time. And it was part of like, I remember growing up and just thinking that capitalism was inherently good, like a moral good. And we're done with that now. There is a strong sense that nobody really believes that anymore. Now we've kind of come to realize that capitalism is an economic set of choices. to realize that capitalism is an economic set of choices. And you can divorce capitalism as a set of economic choices from many, but not all, many of your other social values. There are some that

are enmeshed for sure and that remain enmeshed. But I think young people are looking like, I'm willing to have different values. I don't share that set of values because I didn't live through this sort of existential crisis of the Cold War. Yeah. I've lived through a different, equally existential crisis. Absolutely, yeah.

There's this more scary because what you have is, not only do you not have anything, but you also have the specter of global warming created by, you know, unregulated markets all over the world. You know, you look at it,

what were they saying? It was like 71% of all greenhouse gases come from the oil industry. You know what I mean? Like it's an insane amount. I don't know if that, again, I don't know how true that is. I see these things on memes and I guess I probably shouldn't be repeating them

because I should be looking up what it says, right? But like, let's just say, we know for sure that it's business that is the main provider of greenhouse gases in the world. We know that's true, that it's businesses that do this. And so you look at it in that sense, you're like, okay, well, the businesses are producing a world that is quickly declining and quickly changing.

And I don't have anything, I don't even have like a nest egg. I didn't even get anything out of it, right? You clear cut this forest and I didn't get a single tree, you know? And, and that's, and that's the feeling that a lot of these people have and you can't blame them for it. You can't blame them if they're going to shift away from capitalism. You can't blame them if they're going to shift away from this stuff. And you look at the democratic candidates this time, there's many democratic socialist types that are in, now, you know, you talk about the

two on the top. I know people like to say like how capitalist Liz Warren is, but Bernie is a hundred percent, you know, Bernie is a hundred percent. And I think Liz has a lot of policies that are close if they don't mimic exactly what Bernie's talking about. And then there's other people with like brand new ideas that are even capitalist, like Yang, who's talking about, you know, universal basic income, which we laughed at when we first heard about this year. When we first started talking about it this year, we laughed that universal basic income that anybody would even be talking about it. We thought it was 100% going to get Yang completely yoinked from the whole thing. Cause we're like, about it. We thought it was 100% going to get Yang completely yoinked from the whole thing.

Cause we're like, nobody's going to want to have a hundred, a thousand dollars that, you know, like especially people who get pissed off that and make you do piss tests for food stamps. They sure as fuck aren't going to want a thousand dollars. But the one thing we have to understand too, is that this is all running in a democratic thing right now, the democratic bubble. We have no idea what, you know, Andrew Yang rubber hits the, looks like when it gets into a major market, right? When suddenly Republicans get to talk about it. Because you know that that's going to be what they're going to be focusing on, is that, oh, you just want to get people $1,000,

all these lazy fuckers. The ultimate welfare state, right? They're going to, you know, that's the way they're going to spend that. And we'll have no idea. I am seeing stuff that's saying that Yang is in it for the long game, though. They're saying like, you know, there is, you know, he's got a lot of funding and he keeps going up in the numbers.

And so like, he's, it's, it's, it's insane to me. He, he felt like such an outlier at the beginning, but he is really sort of, you know, doing things to make it seem like he's, he's sort of got a lot of staying power. We'll see once it starts, once the votes start falling, right. We'll see all this shit is speculation until then, right? And it's, we know how that goes. We, we, we're living it since 2016. Yes, we are, Cecil. But, but I feel like, I feel like, you know, I was, when I was a young man, I was a ultra capitalist, started thinking about it, started reading about it, became a communist for a little while, became a, and then shifted out of that into what I am now, which is I'm fine with stuff like this.

I'm fine with, let's shift away from this stuff. Let's shift away from these, you know, I agree with Bernie Sanders. We shouldn't have billionaires. Billionaires shouldn't exist. That shouldn't,

that shouldn't be a thing. You shouldn't be able to say I'm a billionaire. It should be like, no, I'm a, I'm a hundreds millionaire and the rest of it's gone. I don't understand why that's not good enough. I won't have, I'll only have $900 gone. Yeah, I don't understand why that's not good enough. I'm like, oh, I won't have,

I'll only have $900 million. Oh, okay, hold on a second. I'm going to feel never sad for you ever. Yeah. It's infinite resources. It really genuinely is. It's literally infinite resources. Yeah, a billion, $1 billion is so much money.

We can't even think about it. We just say it and we think, oh yeah, I'd love to be a billionaire. I wouldn't even know what to do with that kind of money. It's a billion for one person. Just one guy is just like, I got a billion dollars. It's a number that defies your imagination. And I know it's all in wealth.

I know it's not like a million dollar, a billion dollars in liquid cash. I know that. I know that it's not like, but it doesn't matter. Wealth is wealth, right? That guy is not having a hard time refilling his Starbucks card, right? So Tom, right now,

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Free shipping. We get to swing it out to you that way. Instead, you get free. All you have to do is enter Gloria checkout. You'll get all that stuff. And fucking has never been so fun. So this story comes from sciencebasedmedicine.org. Shame on HBO. Bill Maher interviews Dr. Jay Gordon and the anti-vaccine misinformation flows. So Bill Maher has been a long time anti-vaxxer. Yeah. Yeah. And I can't understand at this point how you're still fucking autism related anti-vaxxer. Yeah. Yeah. Like that, that is just a worldview that is now almost adorable. The only way antiquated, the only way

you can do it is if you reject all the studies and reject all the science and reject all this time and effort that so many doctors and research scientists have put into this. Right. If you reject it all and you just say, yeah, but I have this anecdotal evidence where I know someone that I talked to that talked to somebody that talked to somebody that they didn't have autism before the shots and then they had it after the shots because they just know their kid. Because that's what all this ever boils down to is, well, they just know their kid. And they just knew that this kid was going to be autistic after they gave him the stuff.

They became autistic after they got the shot. Saw the light go out of their eyes after the shot. It's literally like what they say. I know, it's crazy. And this guy, this Dr. Jay Gordon, he's talking to, uh, to Bill Maher in this big long segment that they gave him on Bill Marshall. And they're talking about vaccines and Bill Maher was saying, well, on this show, we don't, we don't follow the mainstream. You know, he's like, do not, we don't follow the mainstream.

Yeah. Well then that means you don't follow the science. Why don't you just say that about climate change too? Right. Why don't you just be like, well, we don't follow the mainstream. We don't follow the mainstream. Yeah. Well then that means you don't follow the science. Why don't you just say that about climate change too? Right? Why don't you just be like, well, we don't follow the mainstream. We don't pay attention to these studies. And at one point, this guy, this Dr. J is talking and he's saying, yeah, I was at this one person's house. Who's had four kids that were autistic and three kids that weren't. And they were just going to, they were there. She was pregnant with her eighth kid or whatever. And they were debating on whether or not to give this kid shots, right? And he's walking out with this other doctor

and they're talking. And the doctor said, if they were my kids, I wouldn't, like lowers his voice and sort of says, if they were my kids, I wouldn't do it. And he says, yeah, because of the schedule that you have them on, you just don't know. And they're like, but we can't say that out loud.

We can't say that sort of thing. And then he rolls it back to a few seconds later. He's like, yeah, I haven't, you know, I don't have any science behind me, but you know, that's what I think. And I'm like, well, then you're not a doctor right now. Right? You, you're, the problem is you're wielding

the title of doctor, right? You're coming on the stage and they're saying, this is Dr. J fucking fuckwits or whatever his name is. And then they're like, doctor, doctor, doctor. And it makes it feel like whatever I say is going to be important. Whatever I say is going to be backed through this great amount of knowledge

that I had to go through school and figure out. And like, you know, I had to pass a bunch of tests and pass a, you know, some sort of test in order just to become a doctor, right? I have to pass boards and things like that. And there's weight to what I have to say, but instead I'm prefacing, but saying, I don't, there's no studies that back up what I say. Well, then you're not a fucking doctor right now. Cause there's plenty of studies the other way that say that's not true. What you're saying isn't true. I just, I can't believe that we still live in a time,

and it reminds me of the family, when we reviewed the family, and those guys, these congressmen go over and start talking to world leaders, and you're like, you can't be a congressman on your off time, right? You're, no matter what, you're a congressman. That's why you're sitting down with princes.

The same thing occurs here. If you weren't a doctor, and you weren't, like, using your doctor hat right now, you wouldn't be sitting on Bill Maher's show. Yeah. Well, I think one of the problems that we have is we have Western medicine. You get to be a doctor of medical science, right? You get to be a doctor. And everybody thinks that because of that, that everything that the doctor says is scientifically backed, but it's not. Doctors are just people and they're prone to the same biases and personal preferences and cognitive dysfunctions and cognitive biases

that all the rest of us are prone to. They go through this training and then what they should be doing and what people should be following is like, okay, I can't trust me. My gut tells me things and I shouldn't trust that all the time. Yeah. So I need to run that through a different, the whole thing about science is like, it forces you to run your decision-making process through a different set of heuristics.

Yeah. A scientific principled set of heuristics. Take me out of the equation. But we're still human. Like we're still training people to do the work. And so people then end up using their own personal set of heuristics and that feels right. And part of the problem I think too, is that like those things at some point meld. So the set of like rules and principles and what have you that guide their behavior that were based in their training and in their medicine.

And then they have, then what happens is over time they have experience and those things mixed together. And the experience is a set of fucking anecdotes and their training is a set of scientific principles. And those things mixed together, I think, can become a set of heuristics that doctors use and it can skew one direction or the other. And if it skews further away from the direction of like, hey, the science is always what leads me. I don't know until the science. And it leans more into the direction of, you know, hey, I've treated a lot of patients and anecdotally, this is what I know to be true. It moves doctors who have that scientific gravitas away from it and more toward that anecdotal heuristic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the anecdotes are so strong when you see it in person, right? When you get a chance to see that kid and see that mom and see how frustrated they are and see the way in which they come to that knowledge. But the problem is that every time these people talk, they always just say,

yeah, but I know that they say that it's not this, but it feels like it is. And you're like, stop saying that. There's no studies that link the two things. This allows people to opt out of herd immunity. It allows them to pull back. They see this on Bill Maher's show and they think, and especially because it's a progressive show,

it's like mostly progressive. Yeah, he gets right-wing dopes on there and sometimes he agrees with them. But for the most part, I would say the trajectory is mostly progressive, right? I don't think there's a ton of conservatives watching Bill Maher's show. But you get this group of people watching it

and then they sort of feel like they almost have permission from these doctors in other places to opt out of the vaccine schedule, to opt out of that stuff. And, you know, opting out of that stuff has serious consequences for public health.

It's not that it's just like one or two people might be, we're talking about hundreds of people can be sick pretty easily and very quickly. And not just sick, deathly ill, could die, could have long-term serious consequences. That's why we get the vaccines in the first place for these things. These aren't just the common cold. These aren't just like, I got the sniffles for a few days. These are, I can go blind. I can die. They can have serious, they just found out recently that measles seriously impacts your

immune system for years after it goes through your body. That's a study that just happened recently where they're like, after you have measles, your immune system's kind of fucked for a long time. That's something you don't want. We have a friend who's immunocompromised. that's something you don't want we have a friend who's immunocompromised yeah her life is not fucking happy-go-lucky awesome her life is really really tough because she is constantly fighting against other stuff that people don't even have to worry about you don't want to be on that fuck you want to be the guy who's immunocompromised right you don't want to have that life this is going to have some real serious consequences if you have a guy on there who's a denialist. Yeah, I don't understand how, like, to say out loud, like, well, the science isn't there,

but I still believe it. That's a worldview, like, what, then what leads you to that belief? Yeah. And then if you think that, like, isn't there a party that's like, all right, but I recognize that maybe I can't get over the emotionality of the situation.

Yeah, right, right. And so I need to back off before making public health policy opinions widely public because I'm too emotionally invested to have distance. Sure. I think it's entirely reasonable to say about certain things, I have too much emotional connection to be objective. That happens. I'm too connected to this issue. Yeah, absolutely That happens. I'm too connected to this issue.

Yeah, absolutely. And then you say, okay, I'm not going to give advice on it. Yeah. I'm just okay with, I'm just okay not, you know what I mean? I can't separate myself from my own emotions. Right. It's okay. Hey, everyone.

Next up is the Vulgarity for Charity. Thank you to everyone who has donated thus far. We're currently at a total of $50,052.86. So if you want to be that next 14 cents that pushes us over the $50,053 mark, then go to citationpod.com slash vulgarityforcharity. There's hyphens in between. Um, I'm going to make, I'll make redirects. So it's VFC or V4C or vulgarity for charity without hyphens. Not, not the word without hyphens, like with just not without the hyphens in between. Um, and also on

the dissonance pod. So, uh, go there and please donate for a good cause so they can yell at you and make you feel bad, but in a good way. Okay, thank you. If we aren't smack dab in the middle of another year of Vulgarity for Charity, and we literally couldn't do this without the people who thought it up, Eli and the two guys paid to hang out with him no one here all right eli eli didn't come up fuck joggers all right let's get started guys we got a lot of roasts to get to so let's jump right in first up laurel would like us to roast her sister audrey for her love of all things disney and her inability to spell the word dicey what okay audrey i get the disney thing you sit there day after day

fantasizing about a world where inanimate objects can talk to you so the shower head could whisper back i love you too but i'm sorry it's a five letter god damn word how the fuck are you spelling it also while we're on the subject how the fuck is it that you're using the word dicey in a written medium so often that fucking it up has become your thing Jesus

how about a rose for Alicia's ex friend Amy the registered independent voter who lives in Florida. Fuck your face. I can't even hold Heath back from this. Heath, take it. God damn it. Amy, yeah, great job getting registered

to help Ross Perot win that big independent primary. What the fuck do you do? You're registered independent? Yeah, and thanks for helping secure five decades of misogynist bigots in the court system i'm assuming you had something to do with that now i get that you want to prevent a woman's right to choose because there's no way your mom would have chosen to birth ann coulter's patronus if she could have easily prevented that but it's not about you amy and stop fucking smiling when the gun you carry in your classroom prevents nothing and you get shot too you're gonna be a glue stick so yeah because you look

like a horse because you're a horse i hate you okay okay you die in a mass shooting is the uh thing i didn't say i don't yeah edit um okay okay next up we got eric who gave us money to roast his hetero life mate matt matt introduced eric to your show so i'll take this one matt looks like a third grader erased and redrew his head like four times. That's excellent. And because the paper's getting thinner, he has to keep drawing it closer and closer to the body. Or maybe

he was moving during like a panoramic photo. Your head looks like the thing in the abyss that weaves its way through the underwater station. And I guarantee, I guarantee this, if someone touched your face with their finger it would sink into i think that that is that is true okay eli i got a special request for you kaylin would like a roast of his old college roommate who told him his mom was in

hell six months after she passed away oh that's brutal motherfucker probably literally um okay well kaylin didn't provide a picture since they haven't spoken in six years so good job kaylin but kaylin did a little sleuthing hired a private investigator and a psychic and i'm pleased to let kaylin know that his ex-roommate is dead that's right apparently he went to cuba for a controversial test surgery that would remove an entire baby back rib so he could suck his own asshole. But his organs collapsed on themselves and he died. And ironically, he is in hell. Now, I know what you're thinking, Kalen.

I know what you're thinking. Eli, hell doesn't exist. Let me explain. hell doesn't exist let me explain see at the exact same time as your roommate's consciousness was passing from our world harvey weinstein was firing up his time machine so he could go back and not rape those ladies so while he is not in christian hell i can tell you as a guarantee kaylin is trapped inside a time machine in the void with harvey weinstein for all time kaylin isn't kaylin's extra maybe you could do those slanderous things on your show eli and tom this next one's for you yep drew would like you to insult his unbearably cute baby

suraya fantastic okay yeah it was a really fucking cute baby. Not really. Baby's gross. All babies are gross. Soraya, that's okay. You're a cute baby. I can't deny that. But you know, Soraya is still a baby, which means that while she's kind of a fun little pet now, when the novelty of having your own living Tamagotchi to cuddle

wears off, Soraya will still be what all babies are. An almost unbearable burden that will fill you simultaneously with resentment only matched by the unbearable guilt of that resentment. So that you try desperately to hide beneath a crushing veneer of boredom tempered by responsibility. You are adorable, Saria, which is the only reason that you haven't been abandoned.

But know this, know this, that adorability fades. And as you grow and change and the hormones that force your parents to love you are tempered by the cold reality of the facts, as your parents remember that they would be healthier and happier, that their home would be cleaner, that they'd be freer and richer, that they would laugh and dance and fuck more if you weren't there. As you age, every insistent plaintive demand will

sound more and more like the sound of broken glass grating across the broken soul of the only people who love you because they have to. I want that noise as a ringtone. Whatever that would be. One listener out there,

can you cross-stitch that for me so I can frame it? That would be amazing. All right, Heath, I got another one for you, this time by special request. Great. Is it a dog?

It's not a dog, but don't get too excited because Eric would like you to roast his brother-in-law, Pep Pine, in your best dutch accent which he assures us is far more accurate than eli's weird weird choice and it won't be okay hello pepine you are not attractive and since we're both dutch and we both have that classic Dutch sense of humor,

I probably do not need to tell you that this joke has ended. It's over. You are not attractive, was the punchline. You look like you're very clearly reanimating fossils to create

Nazi dinosaurs for the next war stop it and we're done again all right cecil this next one's for you ryan asked us to roast incels in what's known in the roasting biz as a gimme so do your worst all right okay incels are the reason i'm totally cool with the downfall of man do you fucking idiots really think that a vagina is ruined when another guy has sex with a girl after you eat a sandwich you and you finally wipe the oil slick worth of mayonnaise off your tongue your mouth is still the same right you don't walk down the street after a particularly beefy shit dropping little turdlets everywhere do

you okay well some of us nobody's talking to you right now, okay? Don't put mayo on a sandwich. And you just expect women to have sex with you because you want it, and you've literally done nothing to entice them besides be creepy and violent? You fucking idiots want participation trophy wives. Maybe just take 30 seconds of deductive reasoning

when you wonder why no woman wants you and realize who the fucking common denominator is in that equation. Okay, Tom. Another one for you here. Trenton would like a roast of his friend Najeeb. All right. Well, then this is for Najeeb, who has a terrible name and should immediately feel ashamed of it. Hey, Jeeb.

has a terrible name and should immediately feel ashamed of it uh hey jeeb sounds like an insufferably nice guy the kind of guy who makes you see yourself in the mirror and think oh fuck me i'm garbage uh now jeeb seems earnest in that special way usually only reserved for simpletons who extol the spiritual merits found in boxes of mixed confections the jeeb sounds like the kind of guy whose eulogy will be short and sweet and forgettable. A man who touches a lot of lives, but never very many boobs. Najeeb sounds like the kind of guy whose friends somehow keep him in the friends. All right, Noah. Dustin gave us $100 to roast people who don't return shopping carts.

So make this twice as good. Oh, will do. Excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am, yes. You with the family sized bag of tortilla chips that was made in Taiwan that you're cramming into your drink holder. You know, maybe burn off some of them calories in advance by traipsing your lazy ass over

the 11 paces to the goddamn cart corral so I don't have to pull into this fucking parking lot like it's a game of asteroids? What is this, a religious thing? The way they slide in together is too close to sodomy for you or something? Or is it the fucking ennui

that accompanies having no greater accomplishments to celebrate publicly than your kids' goddamn honor roll inclusion causing you to subconsciously hasten to diabetes? Either way, fuck you. Put your cart away and line it the fuck up don't put it at some weird goddamn angle so the rest of us have to stack cars around like they're at will call i will never stop looking at that cart return as a sexual thing from now on thank you no. If I can give you nothing else, Heath, I'm glad I can give you this. Oh, it just slides right in.

Maybe you move the cart to me and I stay put. I don't know. I'm figuring this out. I'll put this cart in the cart grill and then I'll put a cart in it. Oh my god. It's a threesome. Is that docking? You guys never told me what docking was and eli you pretended to be someone named rain and donated 150 bucks so you could roast albus dumbledore it's a long con it's a long time but i'll allow it i'll allow it go ahead

thank you thank you rain thank you so very very much oh albus dumbledore a man would make the goddamn taliban blush because at least the tal Taliban lets their child suicide bombers know what the fuck is going on. Albus, Albus, canonically, your ex-lover gathered you and the rest of the wizarding world together, vaped that the motherfucking Holocaust was going to happen, and your response was, nah, I'd rather stick with golden toilets. The person you trusted most in the world was at best a sexually obsessive stalker. And the only person who ever used your powers to intimidate or fight was a mentally ill 11 year old boy in an orphanage i guess what i'm saying is hashtag team slughorn hashtag what is it i have no idea i i did understand he said holocaust i knew what that meant but the rest of it it's just i need to read the harry potter books again with

eli explaining stuff to me along the way what What the fuck? Gents, we're getting ready for another... Spikening Round. Feels good, doesn't it? It really does. So thanks in no small part to Heath's fantastic displays of Theracide last year. We all got a lot of requests for Pet Roast this year. So your challenge is to fill in the following on these subjects' collars, quote, if found blank so let's

start with okay simo's dog manu a rescue from spain who stole simu's half-eaten sad-looking and even sadder tasting finnish gas station burger when he looked away he show us how it's done. All right. If found, examine your life choices that had you travel from Finland to Spain and back in order to find a dog. Yeah. I'm talking directly to you, Simo. You found him. What the fuck is happening in your life? What were you doing?

Also, your country doesn't exist okay how about rebecca's dog male okay god damn this dog sounds like a real son of a bitch so here goes um if found please return to hell or maybe if found do not chase do not pursue do not warn passing cars when he's in the street or if found 500 reward if you keep no uh challenge for you amelia's unfathomably adorable cat spock all right how about like um if found please take a shit so i can stare at you like i'm judging your technique the whole time all right wait revenge cecil revenge uh you have to do jeff's cat nessie okay all right holy shit if found please return this puppet to the set of the dark crystal reboot

seriously looks like a lion raped a gelfling holy shit all right i got three for you heath what how about tim's dogs sammy jacksy andie, and Daisy, a golden retriever, golden lab mix, and a lab, like all three of the best dogs. Oh, they are. Fuck. Alright, if found, you're probably at Tim's house, so yell at him for

naming everything in his life with a Y at the end, like a goddamn toddler, and then tell Tim, I'm stealing your dogs and giving them to heath timmy call him timmy i'm stealing your dogs tim and eli why don't you close us off with malachi's dog ajax geez okay uh if found please rebury in the pet cemetery that head tilt is fooling nobody ajax you look like you're about to go after michael vick in an all-talk reboot of i spit on your grave this would be amazing amazing well we have

to we have to take a break we have to explain to charlotte scarlett johansson she can't be in that movie we'll toss things over to our our very first special guest roasters your audio uncles over at how to heretic thank you john and cecily first off free folk coughed up a donation to have us treat dave benioff and dan weiss the showrunners of the late game of thrones to the red wedding they so richly deserve oh shit for real i thought this was a photo of don jr and eric trump they wish it was luckily i didn't watch the last season so pretty much just like everybody else so i'll have to work mostly off the picture the free folk included if i didn't know who these two jagovs were i'd presume they were trying to sell me a timeshare in tampa oh my god totally okay i'm not even going to bother asking what the fuck was up with how you completely fucked over John, Jamie, Arya, the Night King, Daenerys, or even how Bronn the Broken ends up on the Iron Throne.

All I want to know is what the fuck is up with casting a hot topic manager as Euron Greyjoy. Oh, shit, and spoiler alert. Yeah, you think? I like Euron. Anyway, listen. These two are the guys who they get with a partner. They do an hour and a half of hot, sexy foreplay. Perfectly balancing a little teasing, a little spanking, a little choking.

Just taking it slow and letting it build to exquisite torture. And then, when their partners can't take the pleasure anymore, they finally slide it in at which point they heave awkwardly have 13 seconds of cross-eyed convulsions ugly scream as they come and then immediately roll over and cry themselves to sleep only they did that to all of us okay weird that was the most beautiful night of our lives dan but uh my take on it is slightly different than yours so most beautiful night of your life okay my life But my take on it is slightly different than yours. The most beautiful night of your life. My life was... It was.

Thank you. I'm out of here. It was the most beautiful 13 seconds ever. Ryan, who for the record is a fucking hero, volunteering as he does to escort women through crowds of screaming fucking Christians so they can receive reproductive health care, wants us to roast one of those shitbag clinic protesters sharon last name very generously redacted ryan with pleasure yeah we'll redact her last name we'll we are going to dox her address later on but listen she we did see some pictures of her

and she is so dowdy that disgraced county clerk and noted homophobe Kim Davis was like, girl, have a little self-respect. Yeah, what do we call like this Christian version of queer eye? Right? It's just sad shitty eye for the whatever. So sure, Sharon looks like Ichabod Crane got food poisoning

from a six-week-old oyster, but let's not focus on her outside. Sharon's real hideousness is what's inside. If you're the kind of person who feels entitled to scream at frightened strangers seeking legal medical procedures, your soul has to look like one of those cat turds that was out under the snow all winter.

Ew. All of Sharon's orgasms are in the distant past. And when I say all, I mean both. The fact that one came from a particularly bumpy carriage ride and the other came from her cousin is no excuse for the wretched god-bothering hobgoblin she has become oh listen sharon is anti-abortion with the zeal and lack of intelligence that can only come from having survived one oh fuck okay next uh regina regina regina regina i don't know there's no pronunciation i'm in canada there's a very problematic city with a uh uh pronunciation anyway regina would like us to

roast a lunatic that haunts her past her ex-friend and drama queen par excellence jessica jessica looks like she can lay on the bottom of a lake breathing through a reed until you return unsuspecting to the cabin for summer vacation next year. Oh, God. Jessica looks like she isn't sure what that black family is up to, so she's just going to call the police anyway, just to be sure. Yeah. Yeah. You can't be too careful.

Oh, so next up, Travis, who is a shitty bus bench personal injury attorney, thinks he's got the right to ask us to roast his friend Dennis, who is another shitty bus bench personal injury attorney. He thinks he's got the right to ask us to roast his friend Dennis, who is another shitty bus bench personal attorney. Well, since moral high ground is not one of the requirements of a vulgarity for charity roast, here goes. Yeah, take that, Travis, you shitty giving to charity motherfucker. Fuck you for being better than us. You're such nice people. He looks like the kind of guy whose favorite kind of food is regular.

Oh, my God. Dennis looks like he could be in the 1% of any of the shithole countries. I love that one. Dennis is the kind of attorney who never misses a chance to witness an execution, client or not. He has the look of a man who is waiting until exactly the right moment in the conversation to release that fart citizen gold wants us to roast the very worst sort of people there are those that thought of donating 50 bucks to modest needs but didn't boys let's put those scumbags on blast all right you motherfuckers people who don't donate to modest needs are the

kind of people who masturbate to the sarah mclaughlin dog commercials again targeted people who don't donate to modest needs are like people that take candy from babies except the candy is a luxury that babies don't need but food a house diapers and medicine are things they do need so yeah they're actually way way worse way worse people who don't donate to modest needs are like Scrooge staring down his nose at Tiny Tim. Except even Scrooge let Tiny Tim keep his fucking little crutch. These fuckers don't care if he gets repossessed. Listen, these gold-bricking motherfuckers

are the bone spurs claimers of the charity world. As a matter of fact, considering the fact that Trump was just fined $2 million for diverting charity money to his own interest, that is the best metaphor for them. If you can and are willing to give to vulgarity for charity, but you don't, you're Donald Trump. And I can't think of a worse thing to call a person. Damn. Shots.

People fired. Well, that's it for us. From your friendly uncles at the How Toto heretic we just like to say keep donating the more cognizant scathing airtime this takes up the better back to you tim and cyril thanks fellas don't worry we'll never use anything you record for us against you again all right time for special requests you guys ready to let some listeners have it their way sure why not all right let's get a little more excited than that guys come on king All right, time for special requests. You guys ready to let some listeners have it their way? Sure. Why not? All right. Burger King.

Let's get a little more excited than that, guys. Like Burger King. Woo! You can go to your dogs. Nope. All right. All right. This first special request is for you.

Holly would like you to roast her ex-boyfriend, Brian, who yelled at her at a live citation needed in Chicago for being too friendly with everyone oh gross he yelled at her for that okay yeah um but it's kind of hard to remember this guy brian because he never upgraded past eight bit like like as a visual person also personality wise he's not analog he's a low res ex-boyfriend which is probably a good thing probably indicates a good decision i vaguely remember a few pixels standing next to holly while we had a delightful conversation in chicago i remember trying to involve brian but he just said fuzzy square fuzzy square fuzzy square and he made the noise of Pac-Man dying. So yeah, fuck him.

Good choice. Good choice. Good dodge. All right, Tom. Tom, this one's for you. Ian would like you to roast his Pastor Aaron. All right, Tom. Here we go.

Pastor Aaron, I'm going to level with you, buddy. I get it. You're scared. I know it. You're one of those guys whose job it is to have the answers, but you don't have any. You don't know anything except for how to bluff and bluster. You're a pointless hillbilly tempest, a fool spewing your Cliff Notes Bible bullshit with more volume than you have conviction. You are sound in fury,

but you're hollow, more the eye of the storm than any great force. You are the swollen, bloated ego of a man lost, a toddler strutting about in his father's coat pretending to be a man. Your faith is blind because you know that you are nothing, that you have no answers, that you don't even fully understand the questions and you resent the people that do, the people whose minds are quicker and sharper

and more incisive. So you do what all cowards do. You crush dissent with the bluntness of your position and it works sometimes for a little while it works until it doesn't until you are exposed for the dust mite of an intellect that you really are and under the microscope you are revealed to be mute and pathetic it's not you who has turned your back on the world, Pastor Aaron, but the world that will turn its back on you. Amazing. If Tom walked into like a Tony Robbins inspirational speech,

the world would just explode. Yeah, just like anti-matter. They need to run each other back in the halter. All right, Cecil, the next one is definitely for you. Sarah, give us 50 bucks a piece to roast both climate change deniers and Lindsey Graham, but has requested an appropriate accent. I can't think of a more appropriate accent than hillbilly God, so let us have it.

All right, okay. Hi, y'all. I'm Lindsey Graham. And a lot of people think I am full of hot air like our atmosphere, but it's hard to have a spine as weak as a New Orleans levee in order to make it in Washington. Look, you got to have positions that have to be as fluid as the ice caps will be soon. So keep supporting the Republican Party,

and one day our ideas will spread like a California wildfire. And remember, hypocrisy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just a land ruled by hippos, which is probably going to happen eventually because the world's flooding. Bye, y'all. I'm out. Now you have to have a stroke if you really want to do the impression.

I was turning progressively redder while I did it okay well that's that's a good one that's the start okay noah brady has a double roast for you so they gave us 200 bucks for their cats uh connecticut and ross per row fucking awesome yeah it was pretty good. Well, I'll tell you what, man. If there's anything I can say for sure based on the out-of-focus, glaringly, backlit, grainy photograph you send us, it's that they sure are cat-shaped.

So thanks for giving me that visual cue. But clearly, you can see that the left one, the one on the left in this picture, is a fucking idiot. Right? He just stands there with his front legs in the litter box and shits out of the side. And the one on the right is clearly a fucking racist. Right?

Like if ever there was a cat that just chanted, chartreuse will not replace us. It's Ross Perot. Phenomenal. Eli, this last special request could not be more for you. Scott, Becky, and Fairley would like you to roast their trans-fersonas,

a term that I am actually afraid to Google. I get it, Cecil. Afraid to discover your sexual truth. And who could blame you? These three furry fascinations could turn any vanilla soft serve into a twist. I am hungry and extra attracted to Cecil right now. Yeah, so we got some non-binary pig play to start out. And this is a treat you would have to be crazy not to try to climb.

That said, red hair hair what are we gonna fucking grok and then fuck some kids no a six two boar that rejects pronouns already has plenty of reasons to piss off its parents they don't need to shop at hot topic three out of five stars i hate how much of this you just understand this is distressing to me next up we've got the usual ho-hum pronoun rejecting twinkie chloro noinkie-chloro-nobility fox play, which, like, I get. What? Nobody says no to a stump in their ass, but pick a fetish. This isn't D&D.

You don't have to multi-class what gets your bits hard. I hate this, and I want it to stop. And last. I need a seminar. But certainly not least, the pick of the litter. The trans-insectoid ladybug i would turn into a woman bug in a yiffy fairly wings can't be real those can't be real terms are they everything's real everything about this is so happy about this sorry they've got wings country

aesthetic pigtails not a ton to roast here unless you count a spit roast. Am I right? I can't believe I have to say this, but I need you to please say a mean thing about the pronoun rejecting lady bug, Eli. Fair. They look like a cum dodger. Okay, great. All right. Let's close out tonight with some folks that gave a little bit extra and

deserve an all out dog pile. Yeah. I'm going to need you to not say dog for a little while or a pile actually yeah that's fair yeah all right let's start with maxwell who donated 500 bucks for us to roast nick the maga guy oh my god this fucker i checked out this asshole's facebook page and i noticed that in most of his pics he's got a blonde chick held up against him like she's trying to escape she's wearing these dark big giant sunglasses that scream i can't be positively identified in this photo if my hair is covering my ears but more importantly in fully half of his pictures he's wearing a goddamn tim tebow jersey and right. What could be a more fitting analogy

for the MAGA guy? A sad pathetic excuse for a quarterback that some dumb people in Florida thought would be good turned out to suck as bad as the smart people who know things said he would then spent the rest of their sad life pretending that Christian persecution somehow explained why they couldn't throw a fucking football

without making it look like it was underwater. And now he's a minor league Met. Actually, I think he's a failed minor league Met now. He did not rise to the level that the Mets require. A successful minor league Met. No, he did not. And by the way, other than his large collection, what's this guy's name just nick

the maga guy yeah yeah other than his huge collection of photos during his cosplay as tim tebow taking a woman hostage apparently attends constantly the only image i could find was when he went to a blacks for trump rally found the only two black people at the event and very clearly jumped into the middle of the picture they were about to take so he could put two black friends as the top bullet point on his resume that's so very obviously what happened holy fuck nick you know what you are nick you are every combination of every disgusted sigh from every woman's mouth who sees you from across a room and refers to you as that guy. That's you, a cross-section of the worst parts of every tool whose entire person is populated only with traits and defects borrowed

from cartoonishly inept dipshits. You're the kind of guy who laughs too loud to cover up the fact that you've never said or done one genuinely amusing thing in your entire life. You're a series of calculations made with a broken calculator. You're a bad decision wrapped in no real decisions at all. You're a series of easy answers loosely strung together into the simulation of a man. You are air quotes, Nick. You are finger guns. You are air quotes nick you are finger guns that's awesome you are finger guns you are the lingering stench of body odor and body spray and an inability to even appreciate how unlucky the world is to have you back. All true. We need finger gun

control now. All true. I literally cannot express how boring this guy is. He has a picture on Facebook with a Tiger Woods face shopped over Jon Snow and it reads, the masters are coming.

Jesus Christ. I can't think of anything more dull than that. Wait, no, I can. You, no, I can. You, Nick, standing and staring into a mirror with your Tim Tebow college jersey, asking the room who it thinks it's talking to. That's a little more boring. Oh, yeah. God, what can be said about Nick that hasn't already been said by his family behind his back?

You know, MAGA guy looks like he has a favorite waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings, but he is not her favorite customer. He looks like he's been cut off by Dave and Buster's nationally. Like multiple Dave and Buster's got together to cut him off.

I feel like this is personally targeting other people now in the group. That's fine. But mostly, Maga Guy, you look like your namesake. A hate-filled catchphrase meant for rubes filled with so much sadness and longing, you almost feel bad for him. Almost. I'm glad you added that caveat there at the end. All right.

Friend of the show. Friend of our show. Your show. Jeff Blackwell. Generously and show. Friend of our show. Your show. Jeff Blackwell. Generously and appropriately. Jeffy Black. Jeffy Black. Jeffy Blackwell.

Appropriately donated. Great, great amount here. $666 for us to roast. Reasonable by comparison, Mike Pompeo. Who are you comparing Mike Pompeo to? Who? Mike Pompeo looks like what happens when you draw a pentagram around a MyPillow and chant something backwards. All the trimmed fat behind a steakhouse got struck by lightning at the beginning of a horror movie.

He looks like the guy everyone stands in front of in a group photo but no one apologizes he looks like alex jones with hair plugs that's what he looks like no no i'm forgetting you now i'm right now all right uh mike pompeo looks like acne scars and bed wetting had a baby mike pompeo looks like a man who cries after sex. Mike Pompeo looks like an apology nobody accepted. Mike Pompeo looks like a

guy whose kids won't call him back. Oh. He looks like he just told someone to hold his cigar while he gets into a fist fight in the stands of a high school football game. Yes, he does. Definitely. But then he gets way too wind fight in the stands of a high school football game. Yes, he does. Definitely.

But then he gets way too winded trying to walk up those five rows in the stadium. He has to stop for a quick vomit. Go back down and get his oxygen tank for a second and then go back up. Use the vomit to his advantage in the fist fight a little bit. He looks like he looks like he thought this was america like all the time he always just yelled i thought this was america and his kids definitely don't want his life yeah mike pompeo always looks like he's about to spit venom at wayne knight he looks like the cavity creeps from the Crest commercial hired a lobbyist.

Next up, Fred gave us a solid grand to roast him. So let's make him regret it. Tom, you're first. Oh, no. Okay. Fred's one of those guys whose honest assessment of his own faults doesn't deter him from those faults. He's a guy self-aware enough to know that he's wrong, but not self-interested enough to change. Fred is a guy who knows he could do better,

but instead he does what's easy and then shrugs, hell-bent on repentance through indifference. Fred knows better, but he doesn't do better. Fred is every boomer that sat on his hands watching the world burn and then patted himself on the back for not fiddling while it did.

Also, we met Fred and he was a really nice guy. Yeah. He was really nice. I love Fred. Yeah. And he did most of the roasting in his email for us. But here's what I can roast about Fred because I have firsthand proof of this. Fred is the reddest drunk man I have ever seen.

Fred turns so red when he is drunk, Dan Snyder defends him. So, Fred, don't be so hard on yourself. Just gave a ton of money to charity. So, raise a celebratory glass, but probably just one in case passing cars start to stop when they see you. All right. I like,

like I met this guy. I've never seen a guy swim more in a medium sized t-shirt. Goddamn muumuu on you. It looked like someone threw a parachute over a sapling. The leftover fabric from your shirt could make one full length donald trump tie man yeah i i have fond memories of nodding along as fred talked and thinking to myself he paid to be here keep nodding he came up to me to make a very concise point for 18 minutes uh which was interrupted every three minutes by him telling me he was drunk as though, A, I hadn't yet noticed.

And B, he would have been any more interesting to listen to if he was sober. But after all my false email, give me a fucking break, dude. You could do better than that. Well, I participate in the economy and don't recycle it. Fuck you. You're 70 something or something you probably massacred some vietnamese babies or something you definitely hated gay people at some point all i'm saying is don't underestimate yourself fred i'm sure if you

tried harder you'd realize you have much bigger flaws than the ones you emailed us about yeah so that email was pretty amazing it basically said i'm a boomer but i'm not that bad compared to most of them and then it went on to explain how he literally spent 40 years being the crooked accountant who helped all the billionaires in the panama papers avoid taxes and then he donated a thousand dollars to modest needs so you know all better even squared it fuck you fred is trickle-down economics personified it does not work thing we've ever said that is it right there that's the meanest thing anybody's ever said i call somebody store brand i eli in the last one, but yeah.

Yeah, Fred needs to step the fuck up and match the guy who matched our first 100K for this charity thing. And then he needs to give way more money than that. That's just like the beginning. But yeah, like Tom said, we met him and he is actually a super nice guy and fun to get drunk with. Fred is Octothorpe OK Boomer, the person.

Octothorpe is the old-timey word for pound sign, which is the old-timey word for hashtag. Go ahead and say OK Boomer to me now. Fred gets that, though. The guy who's listening to this podcast on a wax cylinder is like, Oh, he's one.

Octoth Thorpe, top drawer, top drawer. Thank you. Last, but certainly not least. Joseph took up the mantle of highest donor to the fundraiser so far by giving $1,037 for us to roast Tennessee representative Scott DeJarlis. That's a weird amount, dude.

But I do love that that means that the re-elect DeJarlis campaign and the tell DeJarlis what a swollen testicle he looks like campaign are now equally well-funded. That says something. This motherfucker looks like Grimace in white face. And despite having a visage that would only be at home under the dental hygienist sex crime heading of a stock photo site he still gets more say in our national governance than joseph that's nice that's nice to know okay see this roast is no fair because i was

gonna say that scott looked like if hypocrisy had a face before I googled him, but now it just feels derivative. Plus, what can you say about Scott that isn't just true, right? Like, pro-life the moment it didn't affect his multiple affairs? The kind of guy who bribes his mistress with a banned painkiller and a trip to Vegas? Check!

He looks like Ben Grimm, aka The Thing from Fantastic Four, had only experienced cosmic radiation on his penis and wouldn't tell his sexual partners. It's all true. This is impossible. I reject the rest. Scott looks like every police chief

that's ever asked the cop for their badge and gun. And any white supremacist looks like that too. And those two things, white supremacist and police chief are not mutually exclusive his head though it looks like if you pressed on his lower jaw you could find a latch for a secret chin in there somewhere oh yeah yeah and he looks like he stays away from islands just in general

because he's definitely afraid of an adult lord of the Flies scenario with his head getting chopped off and stuck on a pike. He's the adult piggy. It's like Eli said. He's like, Michael Chiklis got genetically engineered backwards from the thing back to Michael Chiklis back to this guy. It's like reverse eugenics. And I'm not clear on why this congressman is wearing a goddamn lab coat in the picture we got or why that lab coat decided to blow a bubble with its gum and create Scott DiGialle. But that's what I'm looking at. All right.

The greatest possible contribution Scott could make to the human gene pool could only be made with a vacuum or a coat hanger. Even the best parts of Scott should be disposed of, flushed. Scott is the brokenness of the past. Scott is the error we are correcting for. Scott is the placeholder for his own overstuffed casket and eventuality. He is the space between great men.

He is the footnote left unread. He is an obituary written by a robot. He is the formnote left unread. He is an obituary written by a robot. He is the form letter of a man. He is a remnant of a bygone era wrapped in a costume of humanity. This was all worth it for the space between great men. I don't care how much money we raise. I love that he's the margin of error also. That's fantastic.

Excellent. All right. So remember, folks, please keep donating. Also, that's fantastic. Yeah. Excellent. All right. So remember folks, please keep donating. We're going to keep doing this. We have several more roasts to go. We want to thank the puzzle and a thunderstorm guys, the citation needed guys for joining us.

Thanks guys for coming on. Thanks so much guys for having us. Give more money. Everybody give us your money. More money. No, we're good. I can keep smoking. I can keep smoking. So we want to thank, of course,

the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm guys for coming on this week to do Vulgarity for Charity with us. Remember that you can keep donating modestneeds.org vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com. Send your roasts in. 50 bucks gets you a roast. Please, please, please, please donate.

$100,000 match. This is so much money that's on the table. We can't leave it there. It's got to be taken up by our community. There are a lot of lives that can be really severely, positively impacted by the success of this drive. So let's make sure that we get the most out of this right now. Yeah. Tell, if you can't donate, tell people about it. Tell people, tell your, tell your people, you know, that can donate. And let's get,

let's make this the biggest one ever. Right now, like we say, we're recording this way early. It's looking very good, but we, we don't want to slow down. We don't want to take our foot off the gas. Please donate if you haven't already. And if you already donated, it's probably another pay period. You could donate again. Donate again. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment.

Leo Pisces, cancer cures. Detox. Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti.

Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins.

Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy.

Double speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. the opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only all opinions are solely that of glory hole studios llc cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy completeness current, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt

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