Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 498: Thomas Smith and Vulgarity for Charity

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 498, and this, Cecil, this is a special episode because we have two things.

Two things. Two things. One, we have the advantage of pre-recording it so I can go on vacation! Yay! Which means we also have Thomas Smith. Hey! You should have introduced me first. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to cheer with you guys. I did that on purpose. I did that. I wanted to make sure my vacation was more

important than our next. It would have been more of a cheer for Thomas if he was I was allowed to cheer. I did that on purpose. I did that. I wanted to make sure my vacation was more important. It would have been more of a cheer. Right. For Thomas, if he was first. I know. That's why I wanted that. I was thinking you were going to go into like detailed travel plans and stuff while I'm just sitting here silent. You're like, so here, I got this hotel over here and I'm going to do that.

And it'd be like 30 minutes. Oh, anyway, and Thomas is here. I'm like, hi. Also, also too, at the end of this show, we will be having a Vulgarity for Charity segment. So if you donated money to Vulgarity for Charity, which we hope you did, listen for that segment. Maybe you'll hear

your roast and you can still do that. We're still in the middle of this drive and it turns out, I don't know exactly because we're recording, like Tom said, we are recording well in advance. I don't know what our numbers are now, but trust me, we are recording well in advance. I don't know what our numbers are now, but trust me, we still need more donations. So go out, donate to Modest Needs,

send an image of who you want roasted and verification of your payment to Vulgarity for Charity. That's the word, not the number, at gmail.com with who you want us to roast, and we will do it. It's gotta be 50 bucks or more. We're hoping it's a lot more than 50. So Thomas, we had you,

why don't you have you come on the show and talk a little bit about our favorite, the Donald Trump. Here we, here we are in the middle of the primary season for the Democrats. We're in the middle of impeachment season for the Republicans. So I don't know if it's a rabbit season, duck season kind of moment.

It feels that way. It feels like America took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. That's for sure. Yeah, no shit. But there's a huge transition that's going on, right? And no matter how we cut it, right now we're about one year. So I thought this would be one year away

from election time next year. I thought this would be a nice time to take stock. Oh, okay. I was wondering how far in advance we're recording this. I was like would be a nice time to take stock. Oh, okay. I was wondering how far in advance we're recording this. I was like, are we doing Trump's second term? Should I? So Trump's just been inaugurated for his second term. Did you say third term?

Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm losing you, Thomas. I'm losing you. You're breaking up. Or I'm breaking down. I'm not sure which one it is. I am nervous. So do you think, is he going to go full FDR?

Are we going to roll back the Constitution just to decide it doesn't matter and go four? Go four as he's on? In seriousness, I know you're joking, but a lot of people are worried about that kind of thing. I don't know why. For whatever reason, worries about him refusing to leave

or running for a third term, that doesn't bother me. However, I will say this. I'm, if, if I had to put odds on it, I, the odds of him winning. And just for me personally, I feel like they're higher than I thought the odds were in 2016. I feel like the odds of him winning reelection are better than I thought he would ever be present in 2016. I don't know what that means. Cause that's just my personal feelings, but that's how I'm feeling about it. And it sucks. How much of that is based on evidence and how much of that is based on,

I just don't want to hope anymore because it hurts too much. Every time it's crushed. Yeah. There's a lot of that. I think that, you know, I admit to, I cop to being very surprised by 2016. Like I didn't think it was going to happen. You know, we did a lot of stuff on that back in the day. And I do, but I do think I've updated my beliefs about this country a little bit.

And the fact that, you know, there's no change really in the structural advantage, the electoral college advantage that Republicans have. So I don't know. I mean, it could really be that we Democrats win by like 5 million votes because of California and some other states. And it just doesn't affect the electoral college results. And he's still in. So that's my message for everybody. Hey, everybody, hope you're still tuned in messages. If you're in anything like, well, if you're in any state, but if you're any, anything like a battleground state, you need to fucking vote for the Democrat, everybody. Hope you're still tuned in. The message is, if you're in anything, well, if you're in any state, but if you're in anything like a battleground state, you need to fucking vote for the Democrat, whoever it is.

Absolutely. I wonder though, do the numbers that we saw in 2018 and now this latest election that just happened where clearly a couple things went blue that people weren't expecting, do you think that that is any indicator that the pedal is still on the gas

and we might actually be able to spin this thing around? It's hard to say. I mean, I'll put on my Nate Silver hat or something. I try to follow a lot of this. Can you get a microphone? Why are you going to lie to us? I don't have a PhD in stats or anything, but my understanding is that one thing that keeps surprising me and it almost got me again in 2018 where I was like, surely, surely you've

seen the problem. You're going to respond. You know, the country is going to be like, what were you thinking? Let's just get, you know, get, get Beto in the Senate. I thought, you know, there's a chance that we'd win the Senate back. But what I think the scariest thing for me is every time I think my, cause my default assumption is, well, Democrats are going to be super activated. And there's so many Republicans who, you know, and even if it's one to 4% of Republicans who are just like, you know, I'm not going to vote. I'm going to sit it out. That makes a huge difference because we are this

deadlock 50, 50 country somehow. And I keep thinking like, so that's going to kick in that dynamic will kick in. But instead I'm wrong every time what happens is no, it's, this is, and I, I'm wrong because I guess I expect a little more out of people. I don't know. What happens is democratic turnout. Yeah. Way up. And then you look at the numbers, Republican turnout just as high. Like somehow they're just as excited and activated about keeping Trump in power as we are about taking him out. And it's weird. I never would have thought that. Well, I mean, it's probably because he's doing such a great job for those Rust Belt states, right?

The Rust Belt states have been killing it under the Trump administration. Because didn't he say he's going to bring manufacturing back? And so- Okay. Coal jobs, was that a thing too? Yeah. I was going to say, I think, I'm hoping that he's going to put my daughter in the coal mine.

I want my kids working in the mine. And I mean, obviously you guys know that trade wars are easy to win. They're smart and easy to win. And they're great for the economy. Yeah. Yeah. What?

Yeah. Side note, what is winning a trade war even mean? I don't know. Does the other side tap out and then they give you all their goods for free or something? Well, you occupy their factories is what it is. And then there's a Marshall plan to run them. It's a whole, we build a rectangular red hotel and then they have to pay us rent every time.

I think that's like his understanding of economics is like about monopoly level pretty much. Cause frankly, he was born into that. Like he was born with a fucking hotel on a Broadway. What is it? Park place. I just,

I just, I just hope he goes directly to jail. That's all I know. So, so tell us, tell us, Thomas, about his accomplishments. Because I'm curious. I am curious now. Well, I thought we should do some research, get all sides here. And so I went to, I found some resources.

There's baldoeagle.hillaryforprison.bengarrison.geocities.com. And I got a few just to take a look at. Okay, are these straight from QAnon's mouth? Okay, here's one first accomplishment. Did you know he personally abolished all of Obama's death panels? Where were the death panels at? And could I like go there like the Supreme Court

and just like sit in the pews or whatever it is, in the stands and watch people get put to death by a death panel? There is no job I want more than to be the guy on the death panel. On the death panel?

There's no job I want Tom to have less than being on the death panel. See, I don't want the death panel responsibility. I just want to be at the end of the line

with the stamp that's got like the you're dead or you're not. That's a killer stamp. I agree with you. That's a good, that's an amazing stamp. It's just a stamp that says no. It's right on someone's forehead.

It's got a big circle around it. Rejected. And you know, you know you're going to milk that thing. You're going to just, you're going to make the loudest. You have to. I mean. Or you get one of those like-fashioned metal ones that rolls. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That would be amazing. The more action, the better. Just the more noise. Because you know you're in a dystopia, so you might as well do dystopia stuff. You could not oil it so it sounds like it's screaming every time you hit no. Okay, the other option, again, if I was sitting on these death panels,

the remodeling I would do in that room, it would be just my decorating budget. Everybody's got to wear like a big cloak and everybody has a sickle next to them.

What I want is either a lever and they have to stand on a trapdoor. And there's a rancor underneath you. Next. Oh, gosh. That would be, that's an excellent and there's a rancor underneath you next oh gosh that would be

that's that's that's an excellent option you could have a vaudeville hook but it's gotta be a sickle it's gotta be like the grim reaper sickle

and it comes out and it gets him and pulls him off that'd be good I also think it should come out while you're deliberating so you could go either way you know it's like

end our decision you know it's. So you can go either way. You know, it's like, then our decision, you know, it's like, or you can have like that panel of like X's buzzers, you know, like, I think what you need to do is you need to have it, have it be like,

like, uh, the, the, the voice where there's a big X in front of each judge. And like, while you plead your case, you can either hit no or yes.

And then America's got insurance. That's what we should call it. Your seat turns around like you're turning your back on them. It's amazing. That third vote is going to be pretty fucking nerve wracking. Simon Cowell always goes for death. Why is that Simon?

He's just yawning. People are dying all around him. In my country we don't kill people like this. There's just a pile of corpses outside. Here's one. Did you know he won every non-biased vote in 2016? He presided over the highest year in human history, two years running.

Yeah, 2019 was the biggest. It was the biggest year. The highest, biggest year we've had. The years. Absolutely. 2019 was the biggest. It was the biggest year. The highest, biggest year we've had. Very biggest year. These have been very big years. 2019, 2018, 2017. Every

year I'm empowered, the year goes up. Yeah. You think that's a coincidence? He boosted diplomatic relations with Mexico by completely forgetting about making them and that's something only trump oh my god yeah here's one uh presides over the largest u.s population ever that's i think that's similar to the year i don don't know how that's... I mean, it's true. He ousted President Obama.

I guess he did. I don't know, ousted. I don't know if you could use ousted. Rid the world of that dictator. For this dictator. We got a couple more here. He took away Representative Elijah Cummings' will to live.

That's too far. I don't know why they took that. That's just true. I think he's done that with a lot of people. We could just blame every death in America on him. And then finally, I've got one more of these, and I vetted this. This is absolutely true.

He got rid of Clinton and Podesta's secret child sex dungeon. And if you look, there's no trace of it. It's actually completely gone. I'll say this too. It's like it never even existed. It's a weird thing. It's like it's been scrubbed

from everything, which is impressive. They actually moved it. They moved it from there to Jeffrey Epstein's cell where he killed himself. They moved it. That dungeon.

Well, they called Servpro like it never happened as their tagline. That dungeon. Well, they called serve pro like it never happened. Is there a tagline? Look, okay. Obviously I made those up, but like, did I make those up? No, some of them are absolutely true.

Some of them are a hundred percent true. Are they like any less ridiculous than what Trump claims his accomplishments are? All right. Yeah. I can't wait to hear. Realist. And I got to say, this is, I'll try to get together, you know,

and do some comedy. But to see this webpage on the whitehouse.gov, it's their official Trump accomplishments. It's just truly fucking sad. Like I've been nonstop bummed out about 2016, but this was just one more punch directly to my scrotum that i just didn't i didn't know it was possible for a website to be written in crayon but it is like it takes this website that's trump's accomplishments it's in fucking first person oh my god to believe like

he's all from the the the coding hand of donald trump he's putting this on the website shut the fuck up for real for real and it gets worse there is no date on this page of any kind and yet there are relative time terms everywhere so the fucking thing says last month we did what what's last month you what's last month, you fucking Whitehouse.gov official US government website? Which last month do you mean? It's so embarrassing. Last month, we inked a deal to buy Greenland.

Oops. It's just crossed out. Like there's one big red line through that. Oh my God. It is so depressing. It's just something about seeing it, you depressing it's just the uh it's just something about seeing it you know just seeing the the full fucking sophomoric stupidity incompetence of these people on the whitehouse.gov just really got me the other day when i was doing this like yeah you know if you're

like if you're the leader of the country and you're doing just a great fucking job, do you have to fucking tell everybody or would it not be immediately apparent by everybody doing better? Right. You kind of only have to brag about like, it's like, it's like, all right. So I slept with your sister. You got me on that one. But I did the dishes. So I'm going to make a lot of noise about doing these dishes over here. Yeah.

It's like, if you win a, a race, like, you know, you're running or something, you win a race. You don't have to be like,

Hey, see, here's how I went. It's if you get last, then you're like, okay, here's what happened. I,

I did some good stuff. I swear. You never have to explain your success. Okay. Yeah. I tied my own shoes though. And that's not nothing. Okay.

I learned it last week. And the rabbit goes through the hole down. It's a whole thing. Fucking hell. It is absolutely true. And I'm going to try my absolute best. You guys can help me to not exaggerate here. If this were written and turned in as a sixth grade assignment, it would be horrible.

I'm trying not to exaggerate. If it's first grade, okay, fine. Like that's good. If it's sixth grade, you're like, well, this is one of the dumb kids,

huh? Okay, well, let's see if we can. They just immediately send some to a death panel. Give him a, give him a break. His grandma was recently

death paneled. That's been fun. He hasn't learned how to write in other tenses other than, recently death, death panel. That's been fun. He hasn't learned, he hasn't learned how to write in other tenses other than, or whatever, first person. You know,

the reason why you know that it wasn't written by Donald Trump in the first person because he would write it in the third person. Yeah, he would.

He would write it in the third person because he speaks in the third person. that's the most brilliant thing. You're so right. Like, it's a giveaway.

It's a giveaway. It's a giveaway. It's a giveaway. It's a giveaway. It's a giveaway in that it's a stupid fucking thing to do either way. But you're like, no, he would do the other stupid fucking thing, not this stupid fucking thing. Wasn't it Bob Dole that used to speak about himself for the third person?

Like, Bob Dole's running for president. Well, that was always the joke in, like, SNL and stuff. And then I think now that Trump's done this, you're like, that was, he was a genius, Bob Dole, whatever. Bob Dole's ahead of the curve. Shouldn't have death peddled that guy. You know what we also have in this list on whitehouse.gov is all caps in places. This is fucking Twitter.

Shut up. Are you serious? No way, for real? Yep. How much of it in comic sans? Oh my gosh there's not that much all caps but any all caps on something like this is fucking psychotic on the White House

god no other president since or I think before this or after will ever do anything like I hope is there a Homestar runner link right on the main page Strongman's gonna read his email. Oh, God.

All right. Hit us, Thomas. Hit us with these. So I will. And so as I read these, I've noticed one thing you would do if you didn't have a lot of real accomplishments is you'd probably try to milk certain ones.

Sure. I know it's what I do since I don't have a lot of real account. I've done an account here. Jobs. Okay. It is true that unemployment

is historically low. That's true. So, what is also true though is that 12 out of the first 14 things listed on this page

are just that but like put differently. I swear to God, it's like, it's like if I chug the most beer ever and I list 12 accomplishments, it's like, I chug the most beers too.

I chug the most ounces of beer. Three, I chug the most pounds of beer. Four, also the most cans of beer, the. Also the most cans of beer. The most liters. And then that's like, okay, we get it. You chugged the most beer.

That's the thing you did. You don't, it doesn't matter how many ways you divide it. That's one thing you did. It's not really that impressive. But so, okay, here we go. First top, top achievement on the official fucking website almost four million jobs created since election how many four million okay and what i want to know is like so are we to believe he personally created i know right that's that's one that's

one piece okay but i that's to be fair rich people are job creators they'll tell you while they're taking your tax money also how, how good are the jobs, right? That's one of the things that we keep hearing is like, oh yeah, you know, he's creating a bunch of jobs. You're like, yeah, but if I got to work two or three of them to fucking survive, that's not good. That's not a good job. That's a shit job.

Thanks for creating four terribly paying jobs that I now can fill all of my hours of the day. Yeah, exactly. 16 of them. Yeah. And I know, I. 16 of them. Yeah. And I know, I remember hearing Ben Shapiro talking about this and saying, well, you know, people have multiple jobs

in this country. It's only like 11%. You're like, 11% of people have multiple jobs. It's a lot of people. It's a lot of people. That's a lot of people. So yeah, and even if those numbers aren't, are low in comparison,

it's still a lot of people. Right. It's like, well, I used to be broke, but now I'm broke and tired. And less time yeah fucking great what a fucking upgrade that is for your fucking life and also how much of a trajectory was this from prior to him being into that that's yeah yeah that we we can talk do the meta talk um well here let me read through the copying over ones a few uh more americans are now employed than ever recorded before in our history. Shut up.

It's as transparent as the beer thing. That's really on there. That's really, that's really another one. Well, like a sub bullet. That's just what unemployment and employment means. And I sure wasn't like translated into another language and then retranslated out of a language or something.

What is happening? And I was joking, but that's, if you're just saying more, that's like my most population ever. Like it's kind of... Also, highest year. Good job. You got the highest year. That means the more people wake up and come to work.

Oh my God. We have created, we have created says, this is the, I'm not, this is word for word. Bullet three. We have created more than 400 000 manufacturing jobs since my election he's not solely taking credit his team of people that he fires on a rotating basis based on like based on like whatever the fucking whatever fucking mad max rules exist in the it's like it's like a fucking relay race at this point.

Like you hand off the ambassadorship to someone and they run as fast as they can and they hand it off to someone else. And then they tap out. It's like Russian roulette with one of those guns or like a flag comes out. It just says you're fired. I love too, that he's such a fucking coward. He can't even actually fire people.

That's the best. But anyway, I, uh, you guys know, I mean, I mean, I'm pretty plugged into political everything. Right. And I am embarrassed to say we were, my wife and I were at a pub trivia. We like to go to, it's nice and fun. And there was a question that was, who is Trump's current chief of staff? And I said, well, I surely should know the answer to this since I follow this and nothing but

this really closely. And I was like, fuck. Do you guys know? Is it Mulvaney? It's Mulvaney. You would have gotten it. Yeah.

I was still back like four resignations ago. I was like, I was sifting through my mental, cause I thought Mulvaney, I was like, well, Mulvaney is still on the budgets, right?

Or did they move him? Thomas, Thomas, we only know this because we were stumped by it too. Both of us were like, both of us two weeks ago. We're like, wait,

who's Mulvaney? And we're just like, wait a second. And then we had to look it up and we're like, we didn't even know who it was. The only reason is because he was in, he was hired as the office of budget guy. Right. Yeah.

I know. Once I saw a picture of him, I knew who he was. Yeah. Right. Because there's so many rotating names. I don't remember the names. It's like, it's a game of Thrones. You're like, I know what that guy looks like, but I don't know his name.

Right. I don't know his house. I don't know his fucking heraldry, but I know the guy's face. And so that's how it is in the Trump administration. It's like, I know who the mountain is and I know who Jamie Lannister is and I see all this stuff, but I see that guy and I'm like, oh yeah, that's the budget guy. Well, then I see him talking. I'm like, wait, now he's the, he's the what now? When did he get promoted or demoted? I don't even know. Demoted, I guess. Well, did you guys hear the story from the daily where the guy who became

the undersecretary for the VA found out that he got that job because he turned on the TV and Trump's like, and now the undersecretary for the VA and he's like, wait, I'm the what now? And several times he found out about meetings the day of while he's sitting at the press conference with the president. He's like,

and we're going to have a big meeting this weekend. You'll be there, right? He turns and looks at the guy and he's like, no, I won't. He's like, I got shit to do. No, I won't be there. Because you didn't ask me ahead of time to be there until right now. Send me an Outlook invite, you stupid fucker. So amazing.

He is such an interpersonal coward too, that he fires people via tweet. I mean, we all know this, but like multiple stories of he will tell like a little fucking coward he will tell people on the phone yeah you're good we're good going forward yep yeah oh yeah tell me about what you're doing over there and then like an hour later that person will see a tweet saying i've just fired the whatever i swear to god this is

true that's just so incredible. Who was, who was the guy who was like, he, like Trump fired him via tweet and he tweeted back. He's like, I fucking quit.

What are you talking about? Wasn't that John Bolton? I think it was Bolton. Bolton did that. Yeah. Bolton said, no, I resigned like two days ago.

What are you talking about? You didn't fire me. This is the craziest world to live in. I know Mulvaney because he's either, he's like the little leprechaun that was taking everybody's money early on. Or is that what leprechaun is? Is that a reverse leprechaun?

It's like a reverse leprechaun, yeah. Yeah. It's a kleprechaun. Yeah, he won't give me five dollars. Because he would just fucking announce, oh, here, we did a little budget work. No money for anything. And we're putting it all in fucking rockets or something.

I don't know. In rockets. Yeah. So, yeah, that's the worst. So, here's number four. Manufacturing jobs are growing at the fastest rate in more than three decades. Shut up. For real?

That's the same thing. And other jobs. Okay. All right. Here's one. Here's the first not directly job related one okay uh as in not directly unemployment related economic growth last quarter hit 4.2 percent again last quarter what quarter is that i don't know what fucking last quarter last you know q3 fiscal year yeah

whatever exactly yeah you do can't even do that? God. Do you think that's purposeful though? Do you think they're saying that that way so that someone can go to the White House list and then be like, no, last quarter he did this thing. If you're looking for reasons why, just to say last quarter,

even though it might not be true. I really think it's sheer incompetence. I really do. Okay. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. People who just have never

had any consequences for any behavior in their life. And they think they're fucking geniuses. The whole administration, do you guys watch the good place? No, no. It's a great show,

but there's a character on it who is a perfect send up of like the older, uh, I don't know. I guess, I don't know the generation above ours probably, but like older, wealthy golfer dad that just thinks everything he does is fucking brilliant.

They're all that guy from the good place for, I'm sure many of your listeners know the reference. They're all that guy. But anyway, one thing I was going to say, I'm sorry, I meant to say this about, um, Mulvaney and the staff. Do you guys know the reason, uh, it's actually a real legal reason why partially why he's doing all this, why he just shifts people around? No, it's because they, well, a, it's because he can't get anyone to work. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's who would want to work for him. But it's also because

he can't get anybody through Congress. Yeah. He can't, uh, through the Senate. Um, so the, the, the law is you can have people fill in for on a temporary basis without Senate approval if they already hold a different position. He just has interim people after interim people everywhere. It's to avoid Senate accountability. Now they've been the reason they can do it is because they were approved in like 2017 for whatever the other job was. And so all he has to work with is a pool of the four people that are still around. That well's going to run dry eventually.

He's going to dip the bucket down. There won't be a bolt in the filling. I got another trivia question for you. Who's the current secretary of defense? Oh, secretary of defense. I don't know. After Mattis quit, I actually don of defense uh i don't know after matt has quit i don't remember do we not have one i don't think we don't have one wait a minute we don't have one actually i was realizing as i was thinking about it was like i don't know we or i'm or do we or do we have somebody who's like let's look it up i'm gonna look it up right now. Mark T. Esper.

Who the fuck is that? See, exactly. I don't fucking know. All he does is shuffle them all around. So he takes one guy from something who's doing a horrible job. And then, by the way, that creates a vacancy wherever they were, and that's just filled by undersecretaries. It's just a fucking...

Jim Mattis retires and steps down on the New Year's Eve 2018. 2019, January 1st, Patrick Shanahan became the acting. Then on... And he did it till June. Then on June 24th, Mark Esper took over. And then from July 15th through July 23rd, Richard V. Spencer was the acting.

And then they went back to Mark Esper. So it's not even that he just went from Mattis to Esper. He went from Mattis to Shanahan to Esper to Spencer to Esper.

That's just one position. This is the best thing I've ever seen. It's amazing. I'm going to hire the best people, such the best people. You wouldn't believe how the best people. It is truly amazing that not only does Trump not hire the best people he hires, it's been, what are the odds? He hires

lifetime Republicans who then become angry Democrats who are just biased against him within five minutes of working with him. What are the odds that he finds all of the shadow? I guess we have a bunch of like spy Republicans that the Democratic Party is like infiltrated or something. Because wouldn't you know it, they work with Trump for about, you know, a week or a month and then they're outed as the real Democrat they were all the time, the whole time when they say, well, this fucking idiot is a piece of shit and we can't do anything. They suddenly come back to be a secret Democrat the moment that he doesn't like him anymore. Yeah.

He really has a way of picking the exact secret Democrats that were coincidentally lifelong Republicans. Isn't that weird? It's amazing that they make it through the incredible stringent vetting process that he has. Without being found out. Without being found out. These people are masterminds. I kid you not. This is real. I've read a lot of the books of the Trump

administration. His vetting process is, does the person look like what Trump thinks the position looks like? Not even joking. That's why he has all these generals doing everything. He sees the general costumes and he's like, well, these people clearly

are important. And then he just wants generals and everything because they look cool. They look impressive to him. I'm surprised he doesn't like Secretary of State. Isn't just like a hot chick in a pencil skirt. This is what secretaries look like. All my secretaries look like this. Or a guy wearing

a sandwich board of a picture of a state. So it looks like Illinois. He's got like, he's like, that's a secretary of state. Maybe he just hires so many people for each position because he can't like differentiate

most from best. I'm going to hire the best people. I've hired all of them. Yeah. I got like seven people in that job. Pretty soon you're going to have like, you're going to have like a, like a jury summons.

It's just going to be to work in the Trump administration. You have to call between four and seven to see if you're the Secretary of State. And then if you're lucky, you get the call that's like,

well, you weren't picked this time and we'll see you next fascist piece of shit administration. You can sit out the rest of this term and then next time we get a cartoon fucking fasc fashion bullshit,

you're on the hook. We'll call you back. So tell us how many more jobs he created. Let's do this. Economic growth. Yeah. New unemployment claims recently hit a 49 year low. Oh, with the advent of more employment.

Yes. Again, I chugged the most beer. Fucking stupid. Well, it's historically low. And that's why we've seen I chugged the most beer. Yeah. Fucking stupid. Well, it's historically low and that's why we've seen the reinvention of the middle class

and the crushing of wealth disparity and wage. Yeah. Wait, God damn it. That's not true at all. It's the opposite of that.

Now, again, just now you're just poor and tired. Sorry guys, I have a shift at Amazon. I got to go. Okay.

All right. I've got a job. I drive for Uber, Uber Eats, DoorDash, Grubhub. Man, I am so employed. You wouldn't believe. I know. I love it. And that, that, what you just said is not even a joke. Like that's actually not even, that's like, you have like half your audience is like, Oh, that's me. Yeah. That, that's what I do. That's like, I piece together the rudiments of a living wage by working like

seven gig jobs. Yeah, right. Yeah, and then when we tip those fucking services, the corporation doesn't even give it. I know, right? What the fuck is that? What is that? I immediately stopped using that company. I was like, fuck you. You're not giving the goddamn money to that?

That's crazy. It says right on there. Yeah. Tip. And the company's like, yeah, just the tip. That's what I'm raising. Yeah. Oh, it was just a tip for how much you love the corporation, right?

Wow. That's a mighty fine corporation you got there. Let me hand you a five. Is it like, can you imagine like going to Best Buy and being like, I'm on a TV. I just want to give Best Buy another 50 bucks. I really like the deal I got. Best Buy, thanks for being here.

Just thanks for being you, Best Buy. Love your winky face. This one I'm genuinely curious about, which I have a theory about. It says median household income is at highest level ever recorded. Is that just because the fucking 1% has gone up so high that the median... Well, but I don't know if it's true or not, but I do know that if you don't adjust that number for inflation, it won't be meaningful. Like that number, of course...

Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. ...would be the highest... That's probably what it is. ...number, but like it should be. It's always higher than in 1950, but it's not meaningfully higher. Yeah. Let me rattle these off and then we'll talk about it and you'll see why I can rattle these off.

You ready for this? I'm going to rattle off about six. African-American unemployment has recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded. Hispanic-American unemployment is at the lowest rate ever recorded. Asian-American unemployment recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded. Women's unemployment recently reached the lowest rate in recorded. Asian American unemployment recently achieved the lowest rate ever recorded. Women's unemployment recently reached the lowest rate

in six, five years. Youth unemployment. Wait, I didn't catch this. Youth unemployment? We got those kids in the minds, everybody. We've also upped our child soldiers.

We've got a lot more child soldiers than we used to have, too. They're getting jobs in the military. Yeah. Record number of 15-year-olds committing their first murder in the battlefield. That's another. Yeah. It's one of those like what youth unemployment. Okay. Lowest unemployment rate ever recorded for Americans without a high school diploma

under my administration. And I love how they slightly try to change up the wording, but they only do it for like every other one. So they're like, okay, let's make that one different than that one. And then that one will be the same sentence structure as the one we just had two ago. But anyway, this one,

they switch it up under my capital a administration. One's unemployment. Capitalization. Yeah. Under my administration, veterans unemployment recently reached its lowest rate in nearly 20 years so that's like what was that like

seven unemployment the same wait a second like yeah that's seven in a row all those other groups reach their lowest level of unemployment for like 60 years or in recorded history and like for the veterans the best we can do is 20 years back we're

still they're still getting fucked over relative to like every everybody else yeah that's your name that's a good point i mean we're getting older 20 years ago was the fucking year 2000 that was yesterday before the iraq war like okay like yeah okay fair enough oh good point yeah that iraq war wow um so i was gonna say something about this like okay it is true that you know these numbers are good or you know the one number that he's making fucking 19 metrics out of that are all the same thing it's true that it's good but it's really i mean we all know this it's like fucking obama had an old car that was just completely fucking totaled and then it's like up on blocks in 2008. It was just not going fucking

anywhere. And then he works on it and he spends, by the way, significant political capital on it. Like, the fact that Obama bailed out the economy in some ways, it cost us other things. Like, he wasn't able to use that political goodwill and the numbers that we had at the time to do other shit.

So he spent a lot, like, he really sacrificed a lot of his, you know, what he could accomplish to do this. And he gets it fucking turned around. And in two years, after about two years, he gets the car fucking running and he's just cruising down the street, picking up speed. And it's, and it's, and all of a sudden, after six years of perfect, exact, linear fucking progress, Trump's fat, bald ass is plopped down in the backseat. And the car goes the same fucking speed for two years, linearly, exactly how it would have gone. And then he's like, well, I'm Mario fucking Andrea.

I'm the greatest race car driver in the history of time. If you look at these charts, I have a link if you guys want it where I was kind of checking this out it could not be more linear here's the fucking line for the last six years of Obama that is like a fucking XY graph from algebra class that's like

X equals Y yeah it's just straight and then the two years it goes exactly that same trajectory and we're supposed to believe it's his doing. Okay, but to be fair, it is entirely possible that didn't make it worse could be his greatest achievement in three years, right? But one thing that is just so fucking infuriating to watch

is the couple times they'll cut a deal where they're like, all right, we'll give your corporation a hundred million in tax breaks to keep these jobs here. And then you're like, congratulations, you got them to keep like a hundred thousand dollars worth of like one job here. You could have just fucking given that money to people. You would have hired more, just like invented a public works job, you works job or something. Instead, we like to pay

out corporations insane amount of tax breaks to give us like 60 jobs. And then he plasters that as a headline like I saved these 50 jobs. I wonder how much more advantageous it would be if you took all the bullshit corporate tax breaks to save jobs and you did invest them in public works. We were talking about the

infrastructure. Like if you actually invested them in public guys. We were talking about the infrastructure. Yeah. Like if you actually invested them in actual public works to fix the infrastructure, if instead of like, I know it'd be so great. My dream for years has been some sort of, and I know, I think they did this during the new deal a little bit,

but just, or they definitely did. But like, what if you could just have a bunch of jobs that were just like fucking cleaning public areas, like just, just way more jobs and make them pay pretty well. And to anyone who wants them, their government jobs and you just, everything would look fucking nicer in your country. Like stuff like that.

Cause our infrastructure and our kind of our public common areas in this country. And I'm sure you guys would know from, as well, is appallingly bad for being a first world fucking country, for being like the top economic country for so long, the economic powerhouse. It looks like shit. Our airports are terrible. There's no excuse for it. It's other than, I think, this Paul Ryan-esque conservative ethos of

let's not spend any money on any nice things that we all might use instead. Let's pocket the money and that means working people pocket their 14 cents and rich people pocket millions of dollars. Even if I just give him this and just say, yeah, let's just say

the economy is up and the jobs are there. The jobs are... I don't know if the stock market's the jobs are there, right? The jobs are, are, and the economy, I don't know if the stock market's on your list there, Thomas, but you know, the stock market clearly is the highest it's ever been. But we, we talk about this, we say, okay, you know, I'll give you those, but one, how you got there and how unethical you've been in office cancels all that shit out for me in the first place. But then we aren't addressing

the deficit, which is something that they address all the time and talk about all the time. The other side constantly can't shut up about the deficit. But when they're guys in it and running it up, they don't give a shit. They're just like, whatever. And that infusion of cash is going to have some effect on the markets. There's just no way that that infusion of cash that we're not getting into the government is going to have some positive effect on the market. That's just, it's just true. Let me tell you this. You're so right. And I am actually quite worried about the deficit. I don't want to go all fucking Ron Paul on you guys, but here's why I'm worried. It is true that deficits don't matter that much in certain

scenarios. And especially like in 2008, 2010, when you are trying to bail out your economy, you're trying to jumpstart your economy. That is when, you know, from my understanding, economists are like, yeah, just fucking borrow, borrow, borrow, get, you know, get cash into the market, get stuff going. That's the best way to do that. But we aren't in that scenario and we haven't been in that scenario for years. And so what you're supposed to do is when things are good, you maybe do the opposite where you're like, okay, we don't need to be borrowing so heavily. We can kind of trim that deficit, get rid of the debt a little bit when things are great so that when the next rainy day comes, you've got that room to kind of try to bail yourselves out. We've done the opposite. We have absolutely. And you know this, I mean,

fucking and Mulvaney was the one reporting on that. So mysteriously, the debt, the deficit rather is now like a trillion dollars. You know, it's way more than we thought. Oh, weird. Who could have predicted that cut trickle down economics has been the joke that it's been forever and that your tax revenues don't go up when you cut the fuck out of taxes. Weird. And this is times at their best. So growth wise, we have been on an unprecedented length of economic growth, of growth in the stock market, that kind of thing. That's exactly the time when we should have been doing the opposite. We should have been, you know, Bill Clinton in the 90s got rid of the budget deficit and balanced the budget because things were good. So I'm genuinely scared.

And here's why I'm worried, because Democrats aren't going to fucking do that. And I don't really blame them because all we do is Democrats get in power and Republicans go, oh, the deficit. Oh, my God, you're spending so much money. Nevermind that Obamacare was completely paid for. It was completely fucking paid for. Nevermind that they'll still say all these things. So I think Democrats have probably learned from the lesson and are going to in 2020, if they win, are going to be like, well, fuck you. We're not listening to this again. We're going to pass whatever the fuck we want. And I worry that genuinely our national debt could just the interest will get so extreme

that it's going to have a severe effect. Interest only loans. Interest only loans. The government's going to be like, can we get a payday loan? I just need to get through to the end of the week. Well, all these solutions are short term solutions.

The tax cut is a short term solution. All of this impulse impetus into the economy and the Fed cutting rates, et cetera, all of that is short-term stuff that balances the economy on a knife's edge, I think, to try to stave off the inevitable recession until after the 2020 election. Then once that

election is here, then you got to pay your bill. But at that point, you've already secured the election. So you're already in power for the next four years. Oh, God. Think of how bad you're going to fuck the economy up for four straight years, too, if you like that. I really can't see any way out of this because you

can't. It's like maxing out all your credit cards. It works for six months, right? Like while you're, until you achieve all your spending limits and then at some point you run out of buying power and you're like, all right, well, well, what next? And it's just like, there's no more next. Time to call Peter Francis Geraci and bankruptcy tapes or whatever. Get your bankruptcy info tapes. Yeah, I totally agree. And also, I think look, what is the fucking economy? Step one, what is the economy? It's a complicated thing. The stock

market is not the economy. No. It doesn't mean that everybody... I think a lot of what's propping it up is, and I'll give Trump this, I think there's like three categories of achievement. There's, this is fucking bullshit and you did nothing. And that's most of them. That's like 98% of achievement. There's this is fucking bullshit and you did nothing. That's and that's most of them. That's that's like 98 percent of his accomplishment.

Quote unquote accomplishments is that's not real. You're taking credit for something that would have happened anyway or just nothing. Then there's there's stuff that he actually did that you would want him to do. Like, oh, I accomplished this and everybody recognizes that's great. I don't can't think of anything, you know, like maybe al-Baghdadi, I guess, like would be something where everyone's like, all right, I guess. What about the criminal justice reform? That's not you.

That's not totally nothing. Say that again. Criminal justice reform. Oh yeah. There's some criminal justice reform that you got to give credit for. Yeah. That's on the, that's on the, yes, he signed it, but he did nothing to write it or to have any, no involvement.

Like at this point, I'm like, he didn't refuse to sign it. No, that's true. And honestly, as president, you got to say that about him, I think. You do get credit for signing the legislation and he did, and that's great that he did that. So I guess that would be one or two things in that category. And then

there's things he accomplished that, yes, he actually did them, but they're fucking evil or stupid and you wouldn't want him to do that. And there aren't that many because that yes, he actually did them, but they're fucking evil or stupid and you wouldn't want him to do that. And there aren't that many, because again, he doesn't accomplish stuff. He's a fucking idiot, but there are a few. And one of the, the biggest one I would say would be taking over the federal judiciary. And he recognized this is the smartest Trump has ever been ever and will ever be in his life, was recognizing that he needed to do this. And like

when he became the candidate after the primary, he got together those fucking Federalist Society ghouls and was like, alright, literally give me a list. This has never happened before, by the way, in our history. He was like, give me a list of who you want.

The Federalist Society. This isn't a government group. This is a club by the way in our history he was like give me a list of who you want some the federalist society this isn't a government group this is a club for originalist larpers that love you know like they love the it's it's cool it's cruel and unusual well it's cruel but is it cruel and unusual so they're like all that bullshit that Scalia did to fucking ruin our country. They love that. He got them to give them a list, and then he publishes it of like, here's my list

of candidates. And that's never happened before. The idea that some outside group is functionally you've just given control of one of the biggest powers of the presidency to this group. Now, we kind of knew that was always happening in private, but it was amazing to just openly be like, yep, here's my list. And that was the smartest thing he ever fucking did. And allowing

the evil, amazing fucking evil geniuses of McConnell and some other people, and Don McGahn actually is a big part of this. I was watching a program on that the other day. To just completely take over putting in the most backwards fucking fundamentalist judges and pair that with the fact that McConnell had done the reverse of it, which is not allow Obama

to put in anybody for years. And then that's the greatest accomplishment of his presidency. And it's going to be with us for 30 to 40 years. Oh yeah, these people are appointments. These are appointments and they're going to stay forever. Lifetime, yeah. We're fucked like forever on that. There's a lot of lower courts now that have people from

him and then the highest court in the land is now, because of him, it's now more conservative than when he took office by far. Yep. You know, and it's and he was going to get that seat anyway, right? He was going to get Scalia's seat anyway, but then a quasi middle of the road judge steps down

and then he replaces him with Brett Kavanaugh. So, you know, you just have a, you have a far more conservative court now than you ever did before. The only other thing I wanted to do on his actual accomplishments is it is true that if you fucking raid the treasury and hand it out to all the richest

people in the worst tax bill fucking ever. I mean, this tax bill has made it. I'm sure you saw that graphic that went viral the other week. Or sorry, we're in the future here the other month. Last month. It's now that the richest

of the rich are paying less in taxes than us as a percentage of their income for the first time ever. And it's true that if you do that, then rich people will be excited. It is true that you make and so like some of these accomplishments are like, oh, manufacturers are very

excited about the economy. Yeah, yeah. Rich people are very excited. They would be very excited when you hand them this massive tax cut. And personally, I suspect that the market is very dependent on that. And I feel like we could be in for quite a severe crash if a Democrat is elected. Yeah. Because I think it, like you've said, I think it's, it's sort of running on borrowed time a lot. And then the minute rich people are like, oh fuck, I might have to pay some of my billions of dollars. Then they'll,

they'll pull all their money out of everything and we'll have a huge crash. It'll be a whole mess. Uh, so that's my predictor, happy prediction. But, uh, yeah,

there's, there's, I think those are his real two accomplishments that if you are a fan of those things, well then, yeah, he's the fucking greatest, but, uh,

they're evil and I don't like them. So Thomas, um, your shows are clearly going great, well then, yeah, he's the fucking greatest, but they're evil and I don't like them. So Thomas, your shows are clearly going great. One thing I wanted to mention to you about opening arguments is I'll see podcast threads on my feed, my Facebook feed, and people I know have never listened to my show

and I don't know at all will be posting on there and saying opening arguments. I'm seeing it everywhere. It's really great. It looks like you guys are really killing it. And then your other shows are a lot of fun, if not as popular as opening arguments.

I like it. I like the comp the salt there. No, also we have a, we have a patron on OA every week we read that says, cognitive dissonance is my favorite podcast and opening arguments

is a close second. So it goes both ways. We got a guy. Okay, cool. Hey, it's a top patron too. So that's good. That's a value. You want that one. That's a value. Yeah. Good stuff. So Thomas, if people are going to find you on the internet to listen to all of your myriad of shows, where would they go? Yeah. Any podcasty thing you use. I will say this since I've come back, I don't remember the last time we did this, but I've taken on a co-host on Serious Inquiries Only, Jamie Lombardi. She's a philosopher

and she's probably, she's a Bernie bro. It's funny. We disagree on some stuff, but we agree on a lot and that's made that show a lot of fun. I hope if anybody hasn't checked it out in a while, maybe check out the new format with Jamie. I think it flows a lot better. It's a ton of fun over there. So check out Serious Inquiries Only if you'd like to hear more politics talk. Opening Arguments, of course, is, in my opinion, the best resource for really knowing what's going on in the news. And that's as a listener. I'm not the fucking expert. That's Andrew. I really do think it is just the best way to know what's going on.

It's just, Andrew does such a good job. And I got Philosophers in Space, which is a fun, you know, nerd related show that takes your favorite sci-fi and talks about the philosophy that underpins it. So that's another fun one. So thanks for giving me the chance to plug all my million podcasts.

And yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks for coming on, chance to plug all my million podcasts. And yeah, thanks. Yeah. Thanks for coming on, Thomas. It's a lot of fun. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Well, it's time again for vulgarity for charity this week. They talk about some, some, I haven't listened to it yet, but I will. There's, it's just a lot of shows and podcasts.

I've watched Mandalorian. It's pretty good. So please continue to donate at citationpod.com slash vulgarity hyphen four hyphen charity. And also you can use just vulgarity for charity or VFC or V the number four C on dissonance pod and on citation pod. It all goes to the same place, but be sure to donate please. Cause it, it makes us look good. Like we're not a bunch of assholes or something.

Well, I guess we are, but like in a good way, we currently raised $77,161.49. And that's amazing. And not that's, it's not pre-recorded. I just, that's my speaking voice. It's no, it isn't. So, uh, thank you. Bye. This month, the citation needed crew has been hard at work on roasts. And since these are recorded early, I really have no idea where we are in the fundraising.

So, Ian, tell us where we're at. Okay, I guess I should have listened first. We are at... $77,161.49. Thank you, everyone. All right, well, it's time to bring on another amazing atheist duo and their event planner, Heath, Noah, and Eli. Guys, welcome to the show.

To be fair, if I let them buy their own plane tickets, Heath doesn't and Noah takes a bus. So I just want to bust you. Okay, Noah, this first one has your name all over it. Mary recently had to put her cat Sig down and she'd like a roast for cat cancer

or anyone who believes in a god that would give cats cancer first rule of comedy man if if you can't open on feline leukemia you do open on feline leukemia okay uh so yeah first of all mary i'm i'm really sorry to hear that if anybody can sympathize with loving a cat more than all the other humans put together i'm your guy uh you put a cat as a survival of the human race in the ocean, and I am definitely pulling that kitty into my life raft. They hate being wet. So, yeah, if ever there was an entity that deserved to be incarnated as his own son and then tortured to death as an audience laughed, that would be the author of cat cancer. He would certainly be my top contender.

Right, right. Oh, and speaking of cancers, Christine would like a roast of Paul Ryan, Cecil. You want to take this one? Paul Ryan looks like Pinocchio didn't wish on a star, but instead made a wish on a t-shirt gun that shot out stacks of $100 bills, but only if it was pointed at the ultra wealthy.

He was so sick of implementing shitty Republican policy that he quit his job and joined the Fox News board so he could do it from a better office. This is the only guy in the world that will stay cancer free because cancer is too embarrassed to be seen.

That's good. Cancer can't run a marathon in four minutes that's why okay how about a roast for amber of bigoted fiber artist sock petition okay yeah so first of all fiber artist means i make stuff with yarn oh jesus that's what that means so that's great like make stuff with yarn that's fantastic, you know, fucking relax with the title. And that's coming from a master of syllabic engineering dynamics right here. This podcast.

Also, you're not a model either. You sell socks on Etsy that you made. You're the model for your socks on Etsy. And you look like Taxi Driver was about a Civil War veteran instead of a Vietnam veteran. He does. Indeed, he does. Okay, Eli.

Nick would like some of that signature sauce for his co-worker fucking Kevin. Have at him. Fucking Kevin. Kevin looks like if Gomer Pyle hadn't had the good sense to end it. What? And as Nick pointed out... Private Pyle Gomer Pyle hadn't had the good sense to end it. What? And as Nick pointed out, Pyle?

Private Pyle, yeah. And as Nick pointed out. There's a Gomer Pyle. Never mind. Let him, let him. This will work itself back into something soon. It'll be fine. Thank you.

And as Nick pointed out, Kevin went to the Ark Park for his honeymoon. Oh, no. What? What could be more romantic than a landlocked tax drain went to the Ark Park for his honeymoon. Oh, no! What? That's amazing. What could be more romantic than a landlocked tax drain that has a single broom to explain away the several tons of bullshit? Then again, you know what, Kevin? The Ark Park is kind of like you.

It's stiff, immovable, and only there because the South doesn't believe in abortion. So I can see why you have a connection. That's good. I get it. All right, Tom. Tim gave us 200 whopping smackaroonies for you to insult his friend, Jerry.

Tim, buddy, sometimes friendships fade. And when that happens, sometimes that can be really sad. But this isn't one of those times. Seriously, I know Jerry used to be your buddy, but let's face it,erry is used up he's refused to him jerry is worn down and worn out and there's very clearly nothing left him no spark of life there's nothing left anymore there to be friends with you're not missing anything because there's nothing left in him but a series of reactions he's an an automaton, a husk, a shell. He is a discarded man, Tim.

He is the gleaming white man belly of every lawn-mowing, beard-drinking dipshit whose eventual heart attack is mourned by his wife only in insurance payouts. Okay. It's not me. It's the wife at the end. Got it. Got it.

Last year, Alex, who is blind, askedath to roast his guide dog cosby and this year alex wants a roast of himself so heath it's all you buddy all right so uh alex tried to send a picture with him and cosby he tried it did not go well oh wow yeah in the email he actually says yes before you ask i took the shot myself he's he's aware of this in the photo i can see alex um just wanted to brag for a second i can see him unlike alex has ever done um and we'll go into alex's appearance in a second, but Cosby is just barely in the frame. He is in the picture,

but just like a tiny little slice, and Cosby is very clearly making the angry guide dog signal for, dude, just let me hold the fucking camera. What are you doing? You're an idiot. God damn it. All right, everybody raise your paw if you have sight.

Just me? Great. Let me get the camera. And circling back to Alex, let me try to put this in terms Alex can understand. Alex, you look like the Greek economy smells. Do you know what that is? You look like a gas station hot dog tastes. That one that's been on that roller thing for weeks and you know

because you marked it you look like what it feels like to touch the face of an ugly person does that you know when you touch an ugly person with your hands on the face you look like that feels and seriously you look like david silverman ono. So maybe change your fucking dog's name from Cosby at this point. That'd be great. Okay, Eli, I got one for you. Andrew gave us 250 bucks for you to give his sister's fiancee the tongue lashing he deserves. Okay, I don't understand why Andrew did this. Like, isn't it mean enough that your sister is only marrying him for his make-a-wish?

Like, isn't it mean enough that your sister is only marrying him for his make-a-wish? I haven't seen a couple less fit for each other since the rapper T.I. and the 21st century. She is a lovely dark-haired woman, and Andrew's soon-to-be brother-in-law looks like Griffin McElroy dipped his face into bees. Bees? You know what? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's got just a huge, thick personality, Andrew. Maybe he's got a really goofy personality.

All right. Cecil, this one is for you and Heath. All right. And gave us 220 bucks for you both to roast Dr. Richard Garfield, the creator of Magic the Gathering. Fantastic. Okay, great. Look, Rich, I get it. But you had to create something you could tap. Why not invent the fleshlight, though,

if you're going to go over that? Yeah, and congrats on being the world's number one manufacturer of incels since 1993. It's good stuff. You've prevented more ugly people from having sex than the bartender turning the lights on at the end of the night it's impressive you invented cardboard eugenics wow that's such a

good one no uh cindy would like you to roast her brother mark okay all right so i know you guys all think i'm going to talk about what an animated dildo he looks like because when you're gifted with such cartoonish bad guy grotesqueries in terms of physical appearance it's it's a bit of a layup but i'm gonna set aside how penis like his overall form is because he also gifted me with a penis like personality to go into uh he says cindy is selfish for not having kids he chastises her for loving her pets too much and he's the kind of asshole that gets mad at other people for using

words he doesn't know. Like, she said the word anachronistic around him, and he accused her of intentionally making him feel stupid. Dude, if you are ever not feeling stupid, that was an oversight on your part.

You should have already been doing that before she even started talking but if you must know anachronistic means you and everything your patriarchal bullshit represents okay tom why don't you learn in here today yeah it's kind of chronistic too time why don't you wrap up our special request section with a roast of Williams ex-wife Jody. All right. Well, a woman like Jody is actually always an ex. This is always something discarded, rejected. She is a moment in someone's history they regret and always will be.

Jody is the kind of woman who cycles through the lives of people that later look back at their time with her and shake their head thinking, that was a bad time in my life. thinking that was a bad time in my life jody is a bad time in life jody is benchmark bad as in yeah that girl is bad but not like jody bad jody is not the new low she's the same low she's the bar everyone you've ever hated still managed to crawl over except jody nobody will ever choose jody nobody will keep her and hug her tight to them grateful just to have her jody will always be used and discarded because she is a disposable person jesus christ okay gents the roasts are flowing in ever faster and we've got to keep our head above water so you know what that means oh you never should have laughed at me for wearing water wings in the

studio no it means it's time for another big thanks to michael mary kevin jason jacob and jack for their donations once again we'll be taking on the bottom of the political barrel this week but it's not like these folks had much choice for this spightening round tell us what job they should have gone for instead and why okay so the first one is heath um do minnesota congressman tom emmer tom emmer okay he followed in the footsteps of michelle bachman so uh tom i guess you should have been learning to be a minstrel who walks behind a woman who genuinely believes she's a witch and tries to cast spells and then you know you sing limericks about the grunty nothing that just

happened right after she does that uh that kind of works for being a Republican in Congress, too, I guess. That's fun. Speaking of which, also practice up on being a fossil. That's a good one for you. Maybe lay down still and let plant resin slowly envelop your body and turn into amber. Noah, Barnaby Joyce. With a name like that, he should have been a puppet that showed up in a window every fourth or

fifth episode to tell the kids about how important it is to share. But I looked into this guy. Given his marital situation, that would only work if it was a kid show themed around wife swapping, so maybe in Australia, I don't know. Steven Palapalooza

Palazzo? Face transplanter for little Dutch boys. Like if a little Dutch boy gets attacked by a monkey, Steven Palazzo will have had a purpose in life. Like that shit's going to click in like a Lego. Otherwise, not so much, though. Not so much. Tom Louie Gohmert.

Louie Gohmert would have made an excellent squirrel hunting guide dog would have made a better dog he would have excelled at being a popeyes cashier right now or the assistant to the head of accounting for the kkk okay he kind of looks like popeye does i'll take ron johnson ron johnson well i mean with how well you clean up there with how well you clean up after Trump, I'm going to go with rim job. I'm actually surprised you left Omni Consumer Products after inventing ED-209.

But the cool thing is with your new job, you can make sure we can all purchase a death-dealing kill bot without a pesky background check. Amazing. And finally, Heath, a controversial challenge has been put to you liz warren absolutely not nope oh he no he no he's here we roast all comers here on vulgarity for charity so get to it fine fine this is under protest though not nobody keep doing this. I'm not doing more of these. Okay.

Liz Warren looks like Jane Jetson fucked and Taylor in a loft. We all knew you could do it, buddy. We believed you, Bailey and Liz. You know, here at puzzle in a glory hole productions. That's not real. Eli, don't write that. I just thought don't do that. Don't don't presume. that's not real eli don't write that i just thought don't do that don't don't presume we get asked if there are any legal consequences to the things that we say and do here on vulgarity

for charity and the answer is we sure hope not which is why this year we've invited the two hosts of the opening arguments podcast the home of one of the finest legal minds in podcasting and the guy who called dibs and i don't know which is which andrew and thomas thanks for joining us guys well see so you know the script says happy to be here but i've i've read the script so really it's more like i'm contractually obligated to be here yes you are let me put my reading glasses on uh pleasure wait crashing it wait were you guys here this whole time no we had a full 20 minute conversation before the recording does not ring a bell fun you know i missed this guys i've missed this this is great so did we okay first up we've got a request to roast andrew by alan who was one of the very first donors and gave us a puzzlingly awesome donation of $466 and 40 cents.

So take it away. All right. Uh, Andrew looks like he was created by Don Draper as a character to sell candy cigarettes. I have never met a nicer person who looks so much like a lascivious Duke. If you remade Robin Hood with Andrew, Robin of Locksley would have to

stop him from boring Maid Marian to death about the emoluments clause, but it would work. I'm saying it would work. Also, thank you for helping me buy my house and things. The only way I can deal with Andrew is how Andrew deals with the rest of the world blackout drunk i just have to say andrew as a chef you are an amazing lawyer an amazing

amazing law andrew that hurts the most so far Everyone else kind of pulled their punches here. Tom ain't gone yet. Now I will say though, with Andrew's education, intelligence and determination, he could have been anything, but he chose not to be. He chose not to be.

Okay, that's a one up, I think. Andrew is the smartest guy in the world, except for one thing. We're something like 330 episodes in opening arguments and he still has no idea the bullet point to time ratio in his own fucking notes let's do a quick a segment here on the history of the hyde amendment we're going to start with a fifth amendment case law 1780 through uh 1855 but for that we're going to need to cover federal's papers 43 47 68 92 and yet you really can't understand those without talking about James Madison's time in the Virginia House of Delegates.

And for that matter, the Shays' Rebellion of 1786. So that would be the first 11 minutes. And then we can really get into it in the B segment. And I'm just like, Andrew, you just used half the episode explaining all that. We don't even have, there's no time left. Andrew, you just used half the episode explaining all that. We don't even have, there's no time left. Just like your regular episode, I stopped listening halfway through.

All right. I'm sorry. It's a vice pre-apologizing. That's not a good sign. Usually they're not here. Andrew is a guy who smiles all the time because inside he hates himself almost as much as he despises everyone else. Andrew is actually a guy who is always the smartest one in the room and cries at night now because that race is over and it doesn't matter anymore. Andrew is nice to people because he has to be because he's afraid that if he were to tell everyone how disappointed he is to be standing next to them as if they were equals, he would be the outcast. But he's not their equal, and that otherness is soul-crushingly lonely.

Andrew laughs too loud so no one can hear him screaming. That's so mean. That's so mean. Is he always that mean, or does Tom genuinely hate me? It's so mean. Is he always that mean or does Tom genuinely hate me? It can be both. That's not... That was one of the more positive

ones, Tom. Don't worry, though. Eli, Dennis would like a roast of him and Thomas for his score on Thomas Takes the Bar Exam. Okay. Well, it's actually pretty easy because you both are unfairly attractive and make this hard. But I don't want Thomas to defeat my wife in an MMA battle. So I'll do my best.

Let's see. Dennis looks like he's about to star in a commercial for Blue Moon and boats that he stole. Dennis, I don't know if you're a cop, but you super look like a cop. You look so much like a cop, your wife made you show her your dick before she agreed to a joint checking account. And as for Thomas and your

score on TTBE, I get it. You're distracted. Sure, we who listen to opening arguments get to sit back and take our time, muddle through the questions on our own. But you got to answer in the moment, all while hoping that Brian edits out that sneeze from two minutes ago. It's a lot of pressure. We get it.

And he's not going to do that. He's not going to do that. No. But if I can give some advice, you should approach TTBE the way I approach diets. You should cheat. And when you do, that's how you'll know you're ready to be a lawyer, Thomas.

Is that the unspoken message behind the bar that I will never get to because I won't ever cheat? Andrew's been waiting this whole time to just be like, finally, you figured it out. But he's had to come up with questions

and keep coming up with them because I haven't figured that out yet. Okay, I get it. That's right. Yeah. All right, Andrew, here's your chance to show off your stuff. Ilan gave us $150 to have you roast Rudy Giuliani, so have at it. Ooh.

All right. Well, thanks, Ilan. That's kind of low-hanging fruit. But before I start, I, of course, had to sit down and read the rules of professional conduct, which unfortunately allow a court to sanction a lawyer for, quote, insulting behavior, end of quote. So, and I am not making this up, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals has some guidance for me as to what I can and cannot say about another attorney. This is, and again, this is a real case I am really quoting from the fifth circuit i cannot call him a stooge a puppet incompetent or inept i can't i definitely can't mock him for graduating

from a 29th tier law school i can't call him a scoundrel a washed up has-been or human garbage and and i cannot stress this highly enough this is a real case i am definitely not allowed to describe rudy giuliani as quote a weak pussyfooting asshole who has been dead mentally for 10 years so uh thanks to the fifth circuit for doing my job for me and uh back to you, Cecil. Okay, all right. Okay, Thomas, I got one for you. Michelle gave us 50 bucks and asked that you roast Eli and Anna Bosnick

for horning in on you and Heath's romantic vacations to France and California wine country. Thank you. Finally, someone said it. Someone said it. So it's, we don't have to pretend anymore. It's out now.

Oh, thank God. That's such a relief. Oh, man. You know, I will say this. What was that? Did you say something back? Heath is the... No? Or are you just going to go ahead with the rest? No, go ahead with the rest. That's great. We had a great time.

Yeah, it was a Skype audio. Definitely. Heath is the best boyfriend I've ever had. And yet, every time I come on GAM, he mysteriously vanishes. And I just want to say, ladies, is this the best men can do? Is this the best men can do? The answer is yes, and I will take it. That's actually true. The best I can do.

Oh, but I was supposed to roast the Bosnians. Well, if you want a designated driver who won't do any drinking and yet will still be just as dangerous as a drunk person have i got an eli this is true and then anna's got the backseat driving covered so the whole bosnian driving experience is just pure animal chaos it's like have you seen the movie Event Horizon? It's actually, they channel a portal into a car with both objects in it. And that's what that's based off of, actually. Okay, I've got one for both of you now.

Zachary gave us 500 bucks and requested you guys roast Jack Butterfingers Danalicki and Richard Bandon Boston Sinnott. Jack Danalicki's nickname is Butterfingers, not because his fingers accidentally slipped on the pepper spray 18 times, but because sugar and peanut butter literally make up half of his body mass. His blood type is extra crunchy. And, you know, I am not going to go with the obvious closeted gay Republican gag for Dick Sinat because, you know, I kind of feel sorry for him on that. But I'll tell you what I don't feel sorry for dick is a tin pot dictator a tiny little pinprick of a hangnail of a man who talks tough in the repurposed interior conference room from 1974 that they call his courthouse because he's got a guy with a gun who'll do whatever dick tells him to do at least for now but i got news for you dick after holding a lawyer in contempt for reading the fucking law at you the massachusetts commission

on judicial conduct is about to make sure pretty soon that you're going to be on the other end of that gun well done indeed now as i recall last year you gave a proper tongue lashing to third party non-voters while jeff and Sam each donated for a repeat performance. So let it fly, guys. Third party votes. All right, look, I get it. You're still doing part of the process. I get you have the right.

You have the right. Yes, you have the right to vote for somebody. Hey, you don't think the main two candidates line up. So you're voting for a third party candidate because they're more in line with what you believe. I get it. But what I want to know is why do you stop there? Why not write in

your own name? Just vote for yourself. Like, you're the only one who agrees with you 100%. And then I'm sure you're responding, well, but Thomas, I don't have any chance of winning. Yeah! No, that's your third party candidate! It's equal!

Equal chance! You and the third party candidate! Equ equal equal chance you and the third party cannon equal chances mathematically and rounding amazing ah

non-voters you know Douglas Adams once described the New Zealand cockapoo as a delightful extremely fat

little bird that is so stupid it has not only forgotten how to fly but it's forgotten that it's forgotten how to fly right so so the kakapo gets all agitated and mad and what it will do is the fat little kakapo will run up a tree and jump out of it hurtling itself to the ground with all the

grace of a brick often injuring or killing itself in the process. This is why the cockapoo is nearly extinct. So listen up, non-voters. You're the fucking cockapoo. And if you stay home in 2020 because your precious little snowflake of a candidate doesn't make it out of the primary because the DNC is rigged, I hope you move to New Zealand

and throw yourself off a tree. And become nearly extinct. So Neil kicked in an extra 580 bucks and Beth kicked in an extra 50. So why don't we all have at the non-voting Democrats slash non-voters. Heath, you're first. Okay, non-voters,

you guys are the Monopoly board flippers of our political reality. Yeah. Non-voting, it's like walking into the Oval Office, setting up a Monopoly board very slowly, and then flipping it over and walking right out. Except, just way lazier. It's like thinking about doing that.

That's how effective you are. You're flipping the Monopoly board and having a tantrum, and a bunch of Nazis are marching past being like, hey, look look that stupid kid just flipped a monopoly board that's funny okay time for some more nazi stuff we're in power yeah right like what could i say to you people that you haven't heard before except maybe the name of your congressman i know you think that you're fooling us by wrapping your apathetic laziness as some kind of principled stand. But even if it was, even if that was genuine, you would just graduate from lazy asshole to stupid asshole.

You'd be the jackass on a sinking boat who refused to touch a single bucket until we could all agree on whether this disaster should be blamed on the hydrogen or the oxygen. Gosh, this is such a hard group to roast because, you know, they're so diverse. I can't imagine how Oh wait, no they're not. You are between 18 and 29. You're male. You didn't go to college. And when polled, you hate

women, the media, and women. But you get to, the media, and women. If you do the math makes you Twitter. You're the human versions of Twitter. And just like the social media platform you emulate, I have given you up and soon enough so will

everyone else. You know what? Fuck it guys. Don't vote. Don't even choose things. Just be a stupid fucking leaf on the wind. Let the course of the world blow you and everyone you know around at its fucking whim. That's a great plan. A great plan to even have the guts to pick things or to have succumbed so totally to your own self-indulgent pity party ennui that you can't even be bothered can't be bothered what the fuck else do you do that's so fucking important that once a year you can't take 15 minutes of your precious time nothing you aren't important. And you're making sure that you are never fucking important. You know, can I just say, though, that if you were otherwise going to vote for Trump,

non-voting is awesome. Everyone who doesn't vote has the biggest swinging dick. You're so amazing. And third party. Go third party. That's awesome. I love third party voters. GaryJohnson.com.

Check it out. Okay. Next one is in the name of good old-fashioned podcast feud here oh great those always go real well for us you bet well well i have a feeling this guy has a better sense of humor than the last three uh the way one of them's dead now donated 400 for us to roast thomas's co-host on Philosophers in Space, Aaron Robby. So Thomas, why don't you go first? My favorite thing about Aaron is when he watches stuff. So we watch, you know, we watch sci-fi in there. We watch shitty movies and sci-fi and all this fantasy stuff.

And when he watches stuff, he's like Neo at the end of the Matrix. But instead of just humans and acting and stuff, the, you know, the little code he sees is just themes. So we'll watch some shit where some guy's wearing a horrible lizard costume and the mask has fallen off and the tail's duct taped on. I'm like, Aaron, this sucks, right? You know this sucks. He's like, no, no, no, because that guy represents the philosophical stance

of such and such, which is conflicted with the other character that represents the other stance. I'm like, yeah yeah but it sucks like you see that it sucks right yeah and uh he looks like he's super pleasant and helpful with the cops at the beginning of svu he looks like everybody looks like seth Green's cuck double. Unlike Heath, I have nothing bad to say about Aaron, and that is completely unrelated to the fact that he might be the largest customer of my most important client, Amalgamated Mustache and Beard Oil, LLC. Okay, Aaron, I hate to do this, but you're mispronouncing nicha uh as a philosophy grad myself i can say with 100 certainty it's pronounced do you want a booth or a table all right well but to be fair you're either mispronouncing nichi or you're pronouncing it like an asshole unless you're aaron in which case you somehow manage both. It's an impressive

feat, bro. Yeah, Aaron Robbie is the worst undercover Jew I have ever seen. Take it from me. Aaron, you can believe in as few gods as you want. They're still loading us on the train first. The extra B will fool them.

Alright, Aaron is a lot smarter than I am. And look where it's gotten him. I spoke with Aaron and I needed a translator and a stiff drink to get through the conversation. Aaron is one of those serious, sober guys that everyone invites to the party to add gravitas, but then avoids because he added too much gravitas. Okay, last one here. This is for you, Andrew. Elijah would like a roast of anarcho-capitalism or libertarianism. I'm going to have to reach deep for this one.

Yeah, libertarianism. That's the ideology you get stuck with if you get last choice from among the entire universe of ideologies, right? I mean, you know you're not getting a good one or anything, but you can hear the audible sigh and damn it when the two guys in front of you pick cannibalism and preachy vegan, right? But hey. You got picked after Eli. it's fitting because pretty much every libertarian i've ever met was also picked dead last for every single competitive event ever before heading home to alternatively sob into and masturbate to their strangely soggy copy of the fountainhead well i got news for you mr libertarian and and they're

all mr right you know who else thinks they're howard work don. You know who else makes their Howard work? Donald fucking Trump. But hey, you're probably dumb enough to think that's a compliment. All right. Finally, our last rose before we send you back

to just below Ben Shapiro on the iTunes charts. Hey, hey, not always. Emma donated 50 bucks and would like Noah to compliment Thomas. P.S.

No cheating by using his adorable babies. Hold on. What if I double her donation, though? I could double. I roasted Elizabeth Warren, and she could be listening. She could be listening right now.

Could she? Is that really? It's physically possible that she has ears. Liz is a huge fan of the glory hole. Come on, Thomas. She's listening. Anyway, go ahead, Noah. Come on. All's listening. Anyway, go ahead, Noah. Come on.

All right, fine. Thomas has an enormous penis, right? Like if you dug up the LHC, he could use that thing as a cock ring. It gives the wine at the DMV length envy. It's so intimidating that when he gets into a cold pool, the water shrinks. Those are great, but you're just recycling compliments used for patrons on Scathing Atheists, right? Yeah, but I'm using good ones. I mean, they're good, but I think I'm going to deserve something genuine.

Fine. Okay. Okay. Legitimately. Thomas isn't just willing to change his mind. He's eager to, which is great because he's wrong about a ton of shit but i know this is this is going to sound like a backhanded compliment so bear with me to the end here thomas actually he's one of the few people that i know that knows his intellectual limitations pushes up against them and still recognizes them and

that's really hard to do when you're as smart as Thomas is. Oh, no, that's really nice. I got to say. But despite all that, you're terrible at Trivial Pursuit, though, I will say. God damn it! You got three, you got the easy questions, and you know it. All the questions are easy, Thomas. It's Trivial Pursuit.

Not the ones we got. All right, Angie Thomas, thanks for coming on, guys. We appreciate it. Thank you. It's trivial pursuits. Not the ones we got. Oh. All right, Angie Thomas, thanks for coming on, guys. We appreciate it. Thank you. Oh, thanks for having us. Oh, thank you guys so much. It is really a fucking incredible thing

that you guys do every year. We are so happy to be a small part of it. It is so cool. Let's end tonight with the strange, the specific, and the downright weird. Here we go. Tim Robertson,

whoever that is uh donated and would like a roast of clyde ohio what yeah yeah the little town where he lives the little town that's too boring for tim roberts so yeah when i looked up things to do near clyde oh. All that came up were the Commodore Perry Service Plaza on I-90s. What? And the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. This is a dead-ass town whose chief economic export is the fact that recycled

cans are worth twice as much in Michigan, and whose town motto is you can barely even smell Cleveland from here. Alright, oh no, I have a perfect one for you cecil since you have such a discerning palate angelica would like a roast of coors beer okay okay course is the 55 miles per hour in the far left lane of beer it's the unsalted peanut butter of the drink world. Let's just stay in and watch the six o'clock news of brewing. All right, we can just cuddle in a frosted glass. It's so boring.

Mid-sip, you can't help but take out your phone and see what's happening on Instagram. All right, Heath. I don't know why I think you'll crush this one, but you will. Jeremy owns a barn wedding venue in Georgia and would like you to roast his clientele, people who get married in a barn. Okay.

Hey, Jeremy's clientele, stop living in Georgia. Also, stop getting married. You're making fundamental mistakes about existing as people in two major, major ways. Noah and Lucinda, they managed to pull this off, but they're better than you. They're better people. They're so much better than you.

Almost everybody else besides them is boring after five minutes, let alone five years, let alone a lifetime, let alone a lifetime in fucking georgia you gotta switch it up with the same person trying to tell you the same joke again and smelling the same when you wake up next to them and doing the same things wrong when they organize the dishes and making the same mistakes about the structural integrity of the food they're trying to hold wanted to share thoughts and emotions together fuck that fuck all of that i like the barn thing barns are cool by yourself what were we talking about nothing okay eli chris would like you to roast that guy in the D&D game that refuses to play correctly and insists on killing, robbing, seducing every NPC they encounter.

Ah, the murder hobo. Otherwise known as everyone the first time they play D&D ever. Ah, who doesn't crack open the Dungeon Master's Guide and think, here begins my creation of a world and story. I sure hope everyone ignores it so they can try to force me, a 32-year-old fat man, to pretend to be a barmaid who's fucking them. No, please, steal everything. Gather gold and ignore the villagers' cry for helps.

Everyone loves the story about the guy who stole stuff and murdered people for no reasons. But hear me, murder hob hobo for my curse is already upon you as you play you will grow calmer your games will grow more fun and the memories of your murder hobory shall fade fade until one day a world of your own springs from your mind perhaps the story of a young rogue who prowls the streets of Waterdeep trying to find her lost long brother. And on that day, as you start to unfold your tale, my bard will spend 45 minutes trying to fuck her until I get bored and then start playing on my phone. Okay, another one for you, Noah. William would like you to give the business to Broccoli.

The vegetable? Broccoli. the business to broccoli the vegetable broccoli broccoli how the fuck are you still even a thing right like you keep showing up for the party we keep shutting off the lights and pretending we're not home and then you just keep showing up on our plates any fucking way you're like a cauliflower whose heart isn't really into this. You're a means to a dip and not even a good dip. You would use carrots for a good dip or something. You're the styrofoam

packaging of food. There was definitely a little bit of eugenics to that roast. I felt like anti cauliflower. There was something going on there. Keith, I hate that I have to give you this note all the time. You see eugenics in too many things.

He does. And lastly, on a truly bizarre note, Austin gave us $150 for Tom to deliver a signature roast of himself. All right. Fuck it. I am faking it all the time and hoping I never get caught. I spend most of my life trying

to keep all the cards from tumbling down, but I can't, and I won't. Eventually, I know it will all catch up with me. When it does, I will be crushed beneath the inevitable weight of my own fumbling incompetence, and worse, my confidence in bluster. I'll be buried by my insistence that I can when I can't

and when the skin of my teeth is finally not enough and when the curtain is pulled back and I am cornered and desperate, I will fail knowing that I've destroyed all the people who have hitched themselves to me. Every single day of my life is a Ponzi scheme

and my best case scenario is to die before I get caught. It's a Ponzi scheme. You don't make money off of me either. Jesus. Alright. Well, while we gather around to beat up Tom for saying that shit about our friend Tom,

we'll take a break. No matter what. And there's still two more days to donate, so get them in, guys. Thanks for coming on, Skate and Folks. We love you guys. Thanks for being a part of it. Thanks for having us. give more money so we want to thank thomas smith for coming on this show i love it when thomas is on the show he's a great guest great guest great guy he does does a lot of great shows he's part of a lot of great shows um philosophers in philosophers in space, seriously, serious inquiries only, and opening

arguments. You can check them all out on this week's show notes. And, uh, and you can, we're going to link to each one of them. We also want to thank the puzzle and thunderstorm crew, the guys we do citation needed with for coming on to do another episode of vulgarity for charity, another installment of vulgarity for charity. We want to encourage you. We're not done yet. This, this, that we want to make sure that we keep, uh, we keep our foot on the gas. We want to make sure that we keep donating.

Remember you can go to modest needs.org, donate $50 or more. You'll get a roast vulgarity for charity at gmail.com. That's where you send in your roast request and we will roast whoever it is. You won't roasted. We will do it, but we, we want to make sure that people are still donating.

Keep your foot on the gas. There's $100,000 on the table. We don't want to let that money go away. Every dollar you donate counts double, so please, please, please donate. You name them, we'll flame them. Absolutely, absolutely. That's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed.

Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox.

Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti.

Aliens. Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins.

Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

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