Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 499: Vulgarity for Charity 2019, Part 3

Episode Date: December 2, 2019

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This week's show is brought to you by HealthyMail.com. Just go to HealthyMail.com or call 877-4-VIAGRA. That's the number four and Viagra spelled out. Use the code word GLORY and you'll get 20 pills for $49. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skept skepticism and irreverence

to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome at this episode cecil what is it 499 baby nine man wow we are we are edging 500 right now we are just we're just working the rim and if you like edging you can go to healthymail.com type in the word gloria at checkout and you'll get uh 20 pills for 49 bucks once you have the boner you might want something fun to do you might want to go to adam and eve.com gloria checkout that4.99 guys. We'll catch you next week. So later on in the show, we will have

the citation needed scathing atheist puzzle in the thunderstorm crew on to do another episode of Vulgarity for Charity and next week they will be in studio for $500. Well indeed it's going to be a great time. We're going to have a party. We got 30 people from our audience patrons from our audience who are

going to be showing up, having a good time hanging out. Uh, we're going to be doing a party here in Chicago into pizza and, uh, and we're going to be doing our 500th show. So we are very excited for that. Stick around for the vulgarity for charity segment, which again, we'll be playing at the end of the show we raised. And now Tom and are recording this wednesday during the day but we know for sure we we hit over 125 000 you guys are awesome and the cool thing is is that the guy um guy or gal anonymous donor donor from modest needs decided to up their donation up to 125 so it's250,000 final haul for this vulgarity for charity. We hit the goal. We went over the goal. I imagine we're probably going to be close to about one 30 when we're done. Um, that's just a con and that's a conservative estimate to be perfectly

Frank. Yeah, it is. So it, you guys, thank you. Yeah. Like, I mean, as genuinely as I can make my voice sound, thank you. Because there's going to be hundreds, literally hundreds of families that get help because of this charity drive. If we had not pulled together the resources that we have as a community and we hadn't done this, that is hundreds of families that may or may not have been helped and probably wouldn't have. You know, so thank you. Like, that's a hell of a lot of good that we were able to put out in the world. And I'm just, I'm just so fucking happy that we were able to pull those resources and to

get that work done and to be able to do that much good this year. There's a lot. Awesome. There's a lot of work that we still have to do. A lot of people still need to be roasted. We've done a lot of roasts so far. There's a lot lined up. You see,

there are demons in the earth. Read Matthew, Mark's Gospel, Chapter 5. There are demons all over where Jesus cast out demons when he walked the earth. This is Dave, coach. Doc coach. Not a coach. Dobbin Meyer. Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff, I love this, are either demon-possessed or non-human.

What if they, like, are really into white zombie and are more human than the human? All right, here we go. This is Dave. Kind of love that song. Do you? More human than the human. I mean, it's not any good, but I fucking loved it back in the day. I don't know that that makes any sense now that I even think about it now, but okay,

that's fine. No, it's fine if we don't have any idea how our enemy operates do we have any idea how to fight see so i we don't know how they operate but don't these guys always claim knowledge of how the enemy operates yeah who they are and like like i'm just like what do you you like you can't have it both ways yeah well okay here's how there's a spiritual battle in the realm of Huss and Pfeffer, wherever you think this fucking happens. They're always saying that shit, aren't they? Yeah, absolutely.

I'm just like, but I don't know how to fight them. Well, don't you just pray? What are you going to pray different? Yeah, and I mean, really, genuinely, all it is is just like, yeah, Jesus, bless these fucking fist wraps and my boxing gloves so I can go out there and fist fight a demon or whatever. Or I don't know. Do the two things you do. Hope in the general direction of the sky and vote Republican.

That's all you do. That's literally all you need to do. That's literally the only thing any of you guys do. That's all you need to do. See, my opinion, Adam Schiff is a demon. Okay. All right. Okay.

Here we go. Adam Schiff is a demon. He's a shape Schiffer. Oh. This is the only guy that watches Supernatural like it's a documentary. You know what I mean? He's just like, man, I thought David Attenenborough was gonna narrate this episode of supernatural he's watching he's watching lucifer and he's like taking copious notes so that's how you beat lucifer i see at some point yeah 100 guarantee

he's gonna stab somebody and be really upset when like black smoke doesn't come out of their eyes and they don't just immediately like disappear right Right? Yeah. I thought they were crumbling embers. Look, I watched The Golden Child. And I know what happens when you stab something with a mystical knife. Demon possessed

or a non-human? I don't know which one. Wait, a demon possessed or a non-human? What kind of non-humans would there be, you think? Is he talking about a demon? Is he just like,

he's either a demon or demon possessed? Because a non-human could mean a lot of different things. He's like a giraffe. He's like in a human suit. He he's gotta weirdly like stick himself in there could be a cyborg he's a robot could be an alien said to him there's yeah non-human is a pretty broad category encompassing all things except humans after if he's a cyborg at the end of the uh at the end of the impeachment

hearings he's just holding on to a chain getting lowered to the molten level with one thumb up. Dun, dun, dun, dun. So, to clarify, he's either a demon. I'm going to do a pen diagram here. Yeah, no, absolutely. He's either a demon. So I've got a circle here that represents demon. No, he's either demon-possessed.

Right. And then there's demon-possessed, which that does not... Demon-possessed, that's another... Oh, yeah, because they don't intersect you're right does not intersect does not intersect you're right so that's okay you got it you got boobies now right yeah and then and then non-human non-human which does does intersect with yeah demon i guess right yeah but all of demon would be a non-human right so i mean you could you could feasibly be like one of those like single-celled organism you could be an inanimate object and be a non-human right so i mean you could you could feasibly be like one of those like single-celled organism you could be an inanimate object and be a non-human you could maybe it's maybe literally anything else other than a human to be a non-human maybe just an enormous talking

amoeba we don't know cecil keep a fucking open mind cecil nancy pelosi she's either demon possessed in my opinion or non-human okay Okay, we've got that already. The average 83-year-old woman. Okay, she's not 83. She's 79. I was going to say, is Nancy Pelosi 83? She's 79. I didn't realize she was 79 until I looked it up.

I didn't know. I didn't know until right this minute. I would have guessed her in her 60s. Yeah, no, she's 79. Damn. So she's old. I imagine she's probably only got a couple more terms in her, and then that's going to be it. Like, I can't imagine can't imagine you're in your i think that's pretty fair to say like

she doesn't have a lot more of anything left at 79 you're on the outside edge of having stuff already past the average lifespan so every day is a gift every day you wake up you're like whoa look at me motherfuckers and i think at a certain point once you reach that you're like you're like mccain where you're just like thumbs down bitches take that is not in washington dc trying to control the world yeah an average 83 year old woman is not in washington dc you're absolutely right an average 83 year old woman Because there's only, what, 538 representatives in Washington? So the average person can't be in Washington? And to be entirely fair, on average, we don't have very many women in Congress.

Exactly, right? Yeah. Also, I will say, though, the age, probably close. There's a lot of old people in Congress. I love where he's going to go with this because, like, Trump is in his 70s. Pelosi's in her 70s. Pelosi's in her 70s. Trump's a dude. Yeah.

Totally fine. Yeah. Right. But like if you have a 70 something year old woman in power. Yeah. That's a big difference. That's a big difference. Well, that's a problem.

That's an issue. That's all of a sudden a problem. That's the problem. And you know he's going to say that because he's saying he should be baking cookies. She's home sitting around baking cookies with her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren. She's certainly not telling us men what to do. I know, right? I mean, let's not get this. Let's not confuse this.

Grandma does not even have a penis. So how does she know what you're supposed to do? Get in the kitchen, Grandma. What do you mean when's the train? There's no train anymore. You stopped working 20 years ago. Get back in the kitchen and i'll say like the average 79 year old man is just yelling racial epithets at the mailman

and watching reruns of cops so like maybe the average person and to your point isn't the speaker of the fucking house no shit right yeah it's fucking it's either archie bunker or your aunt mabel who forgot what pants are yeah passing on her legacy to her family she's not in washington dc you say how can adam schiff wait is he a 70 year old woman and 79 year old woman too adam schiff is also that he's a non-human and in his mind women are non-humans oh that's true right right yeah i mean well yeah not or just less less it's certainly less yeah oh easily lie well there's your answer he's either demon possessed or he's not a real human being. What does that even mean? Right? Or he's not lying. Like, hey, how could, or people are good at lying.

And you know what, guys? It's really hard to tell when people are lying. Everybody thinks they have a fucking great lie detector. And all the fucking science around that is like, no, you don't. Like, we can't tell when people are lying very well at all. Really? I didn't know that.

It's fucking terrible. And there's a stupid fucking idea too that like, oh, you know what's really good at it is police they have years and years of it no they're no better than they're literally 20 years on the force you're no better at telling if somebody's lying than some fucking average jamo huh and the average jamo can't fucking tell either that's so interesting bad lie that's so interesting i would add you would i would have no idea that that's a true statement i had no idea i would i would have thought to myself would have no idea that that's a true statement. I had no idea. I would, I would have thought to myself, I would have been like, because as a police officer, well, I guess as a police officer, sometimes you just never know whether or not they're telling the

truth or not, period. You just wouldn't know. So you're like, well, I don't know if they're telling the truth. And so at the end of the whole thing, whether they get prosecuted or not, doesn't necessarily mean they told the truth. So you don't have a way to test whether or not someone did something. And also you would require, I guess, a really good memory to know what their tells were, right? I guess it makes sense now that I think about it. You're going to think you're a good lie detector, right?

Because you're going to be lied to with a much higher frequency than regular people. Oh, so you just think everybody's lying then. So like, yeah. I can tell when people are lying. If you get lied to 90 percent of your day. Yeah. And then you call people out.

And also those people you're arrested. Like all the fucking variables. Yeah. Point in a direction to fool yourself. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. Because you got to think about it.

They're probably thinking every single person lies. They're like, oh, well, everybody lies. Everybody's lying to me. I'm never I'm never going into it thinking this person is telling the truth. Yeah. We're terrible lie detectors in general. But people are good at telling when people are inauthentic. People are good at seeing if you're faking an emotion, it's easy to tell them it's not easy, but people are good at telling when people are faking emotions. They are not good at telling

when people are just straight up lying, like my car is blue. If I tell you I got a blue car outside, I don't have a blue car. I got a red I got a red, I got a red helicopter that I flew to, flew to the studio. Yeah. We're not good at telling that kind of stuff. Sure. We're good at telling emotionally significant stuff. I see. Oh, that's really interesting. I'm telling you this. There are non humans walking here. Would somebody give me an amen on that? There are non human entities walking. Raccoons are non-human entities walking absolutely god this is so stupid uh well you know i i want to talk though about the the ideology behind this which is demonize and otherize everybody who has a different opinion than you and i and i i know that this has been a thing forever this has been a thing forever. This has been a thing forever. This is not a new thing. This isn't something like, oh man, you know, now with the advent of the internet, this is something big. No, they've been doing this forever. Um, they've been other rising and demonizing people that think differently than, um, forever right now, though.

The interesting thing is thing is that there's more people that are vocal out there that we just can see them doing it nowadays more than we had seen before. Because they were kind of... Who's going to listen to Coach before he has a YouTube channel?

Before he has the ability to get a really loud bullhorn. Nobody's going to see him. Nobody's going to care. He's going to go to one or two gay pride events every year to drool and then he's going to go home. You made my tummy feel funny. And that's it. And that's it. That's where you'll interact with coach. But now he's got

to coach Dave live every week, every day, whatever. However, often he's fucking retired. I'm sure. So he doesn't have any fucking anything else to do. I'm just telling you. Amen, coach. Amen amen some of them probably in positions of high authority in america this is lizard peopling yeah yeah lizard people you absolutely right he's lizard peopling he's saying like those people are can i go back to your comment before about demonizing real quick cecil you know what i miss i miss when that was a metaphor i miss when demonizing people was a metaphor and not actually comparing them to or

claiming they were actual demons you know yeah that used to that used to mean something other than i think that guy is an actual demon. Yeah. Like the literalists are ruining everything. I biblical literalists, the constitutional literalists, like literalists are ruining everything because they think like four year old, four year olds are the ultimate literalists,

right? Sure. They're just, it's like they correct you on metaphors because they don't understand that one thing represents another thing. Wow. She looks like a duck. She's like, wow, she looks like a duck. She's like, she doesn't look like a duck. Right.

She's not a duck. What are you talking about? Yeah. Literalists ruin everything. Yeah. And they're going to ruin the country because somehow they like managed to get grown up bodies with like regular shoe sizes and everything. Yeah. And tiny little brains.

Absolutely. No, you're absolutely, you're 100% right. They're like the children walk among us. brains. Absolutely. No, you're absolutely, you're 100% right. They're like the children walk among us, right? Yes. You want to just walk around with a ruler and snap them on the knuckles and be like, stop. That's not how the real world works. You know, but these are people though who don't require any evidence for anything. You could say something out loud.

Like Adam Schiff is a non-human. It's like, okay, what's your evidence? What's your evidence that he's a non-human? He has a different opinion than you. What's the other evidence? Did you walk up to him and your hand sunk through him? What's your evidence that he's a non-human? He has a different opinion than you. What's the other evidence? Did you walk up to him and your hand sunk through him? Like, what is it?

Is his core body temperature 64? Yeah, exactly. Is he sunning himself and licking his eyeball? Like, what is happening? And the thing is, you can make a claim about other things. Like, I could tell you right now, Tom, but make a claim. There's a window in that pain over there. That's a claim. It's a testable claim, right? You walk up and try to put your hand through it,

like touch it. Your hand might go through it, might not, but at least there's a testable claim there. Like, what's your testable claim? I mean, even in fucking like Holy Grail, the movie, the Monty Python Holy Grail, they at least had a witch test. It was a shitty witch test, but they at least had a witch test. Here, it's witch test, but they at least had a witch test.

Here, it's not even anything. It's just him saying he's a non-human, and everybody's just like, amen. And you're like, well, you have a testable claim. He's a non-human. Show me the traits that make him non-human. Oh, I don't like him. Okay. Well, he's lying.

Great. Well, you've got to demonstrate that he's lying, but people lie. Yeah, but also, coach, if it's that you don't like him, I don't like you. That makes you a non-human. Fuck you. Tom, half the people in our audience, more than half probably, have penises. I'm going to say it's more than half, Cecil. The other bit like them a lot.

I'm sure a good percentage of those. A good percentage like them. And it could be that some have a man like him and that's fine, right? We're not judging. I was going to say, like I have a penis. Yes.

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Again, the offer code here is GLORY. This amazing, rabid anti-Semite. Holy shit. Look, we've had Rick Wiles on the show a lot. And we've had him say some really, really anti-Semitic shit on the show a lot. And here is... I actually hesitate to say this is the most anti-Semitic shit on the show a lot. And here is, I actually, I hesitate to say this is the most anti-Semitic he's been because that bar is so hot, right? And like at some point, like,

unless you're cattle prodding them into a fucking road car. Yeah, right, yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah. I'm not sure how much more anti-Semitic you can get, but suffice it to say that this is a zenith point of verbal anti-semitism this guy's dog is named rommel right you know it like you know it all right some right wing watch juku i'm just reading it what's all done a juku is that is that like a uh a little box that only plays jewish media like it's a juku you plug it in oh that's all the media it's the jews

they control it all i keep trying to change the channel i won't let me got this stupid juku all it keeps playing is all the media that they control look fitter on the roof again schindler's list boo sound of music sound of music sound of music, sound of music. God damn it. New York Times. What? Here we go. This is Rick Wiles. Jew coup impeachment effort prompts another anti-Semitic tirade from Rick Wiles.

Rick Wiles, again, all up on the Jews here. Very unpleasant old man. You know, you feel like he's one of those guys at the nursing home that they have to have a slit in the door to feed him. He's just throwing his pudding cup at the nurse. He's just constantly. That's the way the Jews work. I'm already like, okay. For real, like right before Thanksgiving, like this is everybody's shitty uncle.

He's just like, oh God, don't let him toast anyone. Do I have to do this? I don't want to go to that dinner. They are deceivers. They plot. They lie. Okay, so I know the audience can't see what he looks like when he's doing this, but the glee and the joy on his face, like while he's

saying these things and like the way he's looking. Have you ever seen all those old anti-Semitic cartoons they used to do with where they would depict the Jew with a really big nose and they would have that really evil looking smile? Tell me he doesn't look like the depiction that they were doing in those. He totally does. Doesn't he look like the depiction of that anti-Semitic depiction of Jews back in the day?

Weirdly, he does. Right? He totally does. That's so weird. He totally, absolutely looks like that. And it's just like, oh, you were drawing an evil person. Okay. Okay.

No, it fits. It makes sense. Yeah. They do whatever they have to do to accomplish their political agenda. This. That's called politics. Look, literally everybody does. If you don't do everything you could do to accomplish the things you want to accomplish,

then you are lazy about the things you want to accomplish. It's the people who tried and the people who didn't. Right? If you're like, you know what? I wanted to accomplish this thing, but instead I laid around all day. Like whenever I don't achieve something and I'm like, well, how hard did you work? Well, not that hard. So that's on me.

You know? Right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know? Impeach trump movement is a jew coup and the american people better wake up to it really fast because this thing is moving now towards a and it is like a martial art too because no can defend that's for sure vote in the house and then a trial in the Senate. We could have a trial before Christmas. This country could be in civil war at Christmastime.

A fucking impeachment trial is not a civil war. Impeachment would not be a civil war. We're not having a civil war. Look, numbskulls, we're not having a civil war. America's fat and complacent and lazy. Most people don't show up to vote. The people that do show up to vote are like a relatively small percentage of the people eligible to vote. Half of those people are Democrats.

You're not going to have a fucking civil war. You have people who fucking fly their no step on snack flag a little higher, right? You might have one asshole or two assholes do something stupid. But a civil war, people can't be bothered to go out and pick something. They're not going to be like, I'll get shot for that. Yeah. Members of the U S military are going to have to take a stand just like they did in the 1860s with the civil war. They're going to have to decide, are you fighting for the North or the South?

And it's pretty much the same thing nowadays too, the way oh north and south it's pretty much i mean although i will say like even the north is kind of there's still plenty of red states in the north though too it's like i mean there's like it's like you would have to jump real far from the coast to get to your first blue state members of the government are going to have to take a side instead of north south is going to be left or right they've already taken a side if you're in the government jesus christ what are you fucking kidding me there's a bunch of people in the government who are like you know i'm really up here on whether or not i'm a republican or democrat even the independents that are in government are clearly left or right right like there are a hundred like like bernie sanders is

an independent yeah i, I know. But he's the farthest left guy in the Senate. Well, I don't know if that's true. You know what I mean? He's really far left. People are going to be forced possibly by this Christmas to take a stand because of this.

You know what I hope? I hope they're fucking forced to take a stand when it comes time to vote. That's the only time that you ever're fucking forced to take a stand when it comes time to vote. Yeah, gosh. That's the only thing that, like, the only time that you ever have an opportunity to take a fucking stand and decide something is when you have an opportunity to fucking show up and vote. This Jew coup in the United States. We have weeks to stop. Jew coup! Maybe a train sound wasn't appropriate. Train's a bad idea.

Maybe the train sound. That's why I'm speaking out. That's why I'm putting everything on the line saying this is a coup led by Jews. What is on the line for him? What is he risking with another anti-Semitic screen? I know. It's not like people don't know you're an anti-Semite. People know.

You're not risking anything. What are you, risking passage to Israel? We're putting it all on the line by doing this podcast. I'm putting it all on the line by making fun of Rick Wiles. To overthrow the constitutionally elected president of the United States. And it's beyond removing Donald Trump. It's removing you and me. That's what's at the heart of it.

That's right. What? You have been taken over by a Jewish cabal, a bolshevik revolution well those aren't the same thing are they what the bolsheviks from fucking like the 19 teens in russia yeah it's the russian revolution like that's not the same thing that happened like around world war one times and i'm going to tell you the church of jesus christ you're next. Get it through your head. They're coming for you. Who are they?

Like the Jews and the Bolsheviks? I guess the Bolsheviks. Against the Christians? The Jews are necromancers. They've raised all the Bolsheviks from the ground. Look, the Jews versus the Christians. We've played that out already. We've done that a lot.

The Jews didn't win. No. They keep not winning. We've done that a lot. The Jews didn't win. No. They keep not winning. Yeah. There's a lot less of them. Yeah. There will be a purge. That's the next thing that happens

when Jews take over a country. That's the timeline we're in now. Actually, to be honest, I'd kind of like to be in the purge timeline now that I think about it instead of ours. I'm like, no, no, the Purge would be okay. Right. I'd be all right with that.

You're like, yeah, I'll do it. You know what? I'll do that once. Fuck it. Throw in a Hunger Games. Yeah, sure. That's fine. Let's do the Republican version of that Purge.

Where they tell the Democrats, take them, that they canceled that movie. Do you remember this? Oh, yeah, yeah. Where they hunted the hillbillies for sport. Hillbillies. Yeah, they were hunting the hillbillies. That's right. It was the Democrats hunting the hillbillies for sport? Hillbillies. Yeah, they were hunting the hillbillies. That's right. It was the Democrats hunting the hillbillies with all their guns.

All the murderous Democrats hunting. You had a Democratic gun and they'd be like, okay, tell me about this gun. And they're like, it is a gun. And the person's like, it's an arm of light, gas powered, burka, burka, durka, burka, with a scope and a night vision and a trigger and a blah, blah, blah. And they'll say, well, I don't even know anything because I'm a Democrat. I don't know shit about guns. But they'll say all this stuff.

And then you end up like, yes, it fires bullets. Like, no, fuck off. Okay. Well, see, I wrote a dissertation on the usage of guns in the 1960s. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm allergic to smoke. So of guns in the 1960s. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm allergic to smoke. So you better have smokeless bullets.

China has total respect for Donald Trump and for Donald Trump's very, very large brain. All right. So this week in Trump, Tom, we have three stories. The GOP is mired in conspiracies and it's about to get worse. There's a wired story. We have, I'm going to say that one's the last. This one's great. Donald Trump criticized his impeachment witness for failing to hang his photo while ambassador.

And this one is amazing. Trump, why wasn't the hundredth anniversary of women's suffrage observed years ago? Which, let's do serious first. Let's do serious first which let's do serious first let's do serious first let's do serious it's the wired article like like this one is about all the crazy shit that's going all the weird conspiracies that are going on that are just like and this is like the q anon stuff but also like other shit that's just and the biden thing which is a crazy conspiracy that they will not let go there's just so many of these conspiracy theories now they're saying that they're the russia is a hoax yeah that was not russia that was interfering in the 2016 elections that it was

ukraine that was doing it and that a ukrainian company called crowd strike physically has the dnc servers that were hacked and this is shit like the president is saying. What would you do with it? Like, wait, they're hiding them. They've got, they've got, because that's how servers work. They're hiding. If you put a server under a blanket,

then nobody can see it. You walk downtown. He's like, hey, buddy, you want to buy a server? They open their code and they're just hanging. There's like a whole server. Like racks. There's racks. there's like a whole server like racks there's racks he's got a fan blowing there to keep him cool uh you know uh off a little off topic we were talking about a couple weeks ago it didn't make the show we're talking about uh

uh crypto mining yeah i saw an article this week that said that georgia the country georgia yeah 10 of their energy goes to crypto mining holy mother 10% of their energy 10% they're like it's the most they're like it's the most environmentally horrible currency out there is crypto stuff because you can print money on the back of a lemur's eyeballs like taking endangered turtles and exchanging them for goods and it's safer to the environment how much is this car it's two panda bears a tortoise and a lemur you're paying for it with emojis are you serious bear emoji with two trees i need a ship that's going down in the ocean and an ocean on fire. Can you do that? Okay. I will trade you,

uh, two oil spills, an oil slick, a bubble and crude. Like I, and all of this so that like pedophiles and like drug dealers can buy shit. It's like, cause they were so inconvenienced doing it face to face.

There's another way to get like a large amounts of cash and they didn't want that to be traceable. So like, Hey, is there any way I could just see this crypto shit? Sure. We'll burn down the whole planet for you. No worries.

Did you want to fuck more kids? Hey, let's light the ocean up for everybody. Say what is it? We're like compounding our miseries with tragedies and our tragedies with the worst is the worst species we don't deserve any of this i want to talk i want to roll back to this these conspiracy things because it's this goes back to some shit we were talking about earlier in the show we're talking about how people don't like we're talking about evidence because at one point the guy says i think what happens is a quote I think what happens is we start to look at the

facts and everybody has their own impression of what the truth is. Republican representative and Trump ally, Mark Meadows this week assured the president supporters that they can simply choose not to believe reality. We've heard that statement before alternative facts. We've heard that woman that we play those, like everybody has their own idea of what the facts are. Right. So like, like people they're, they're trying to change the thing. And I was thinking to myself, I was like, how damaging is that? And then I was like, no, these are people who they will, they will look at you and be like, well, you don't believe in God. And you'd be like, yeah, well, I just need some proof.

And they'll hold up a Bible and that's proof to them. Right. They'll be like, this is proof. This is proof. And you're like, yeah, but that's just a book that some people a long time ago wrote and that we've translated. That's not proof. And they're like, yeah, but that's just a book that some people a long time ago wrote and that we've translated. That's not proof. And they're like, no, this is the proof you need. So they don't need anything other than someone else saying it's real. And so for them, this is, this is just as natural as breathing. This is as natural as breathing to a religious person

to not have evidence for something and to believe something on its face, because all they're doing is believing the guy on the pulpit. He's just's just saying yeah there's a god and it's going to be great give me your money and they do and so it's all this uh it's it's all authority trust right exactly it's just a hundred percent of that it's it's it's like yeah this is somebody that i have placed my faith in to tell me true things about how the world works yeah so only i think as long as the things that they are told are the things that build a world. They want to be true.

Right. Reinforce their worldview. Absolutely. It's like, I want these things to be true. Like, look, I would rather there be a heaven and hell.

I would, I think maybe I haven't given that too much thought. I don't think that I'd want there to be hell. That doesn't make any sense. Hell doesn't make any sense. Hell doesn't make any sense at all. You can't think you're, I don't even really want there to be a heaven.

Like I think, I think, and I don't even know that living forever would be fun yeah i don't know i think a lot of that stuff is bad you know like but you know i think i would find it comforting i think i can understand it i can get there right but like just because that seems like something i would want doesn't make that thing true like you know i want to come home tonight and there's fresh baked cookies but that's not going to change whether or not there's fresh baked cookies. Like just because I want it doesn't make it happen. Like it just, that's not how things work. Yeah. You know,

and the other thing you have to think about too, is that when Obama was in office, we're talking about worldviews, when Obama was in office, they thought this was the worst thing that ever happened. They will, they would look you in the face and be like, this is the worst our, our government has ever been. And you're like, no,

it's not. And they'd be like, no, it is. It's the worst. It's the worst. It's absolutely. So they would have a worldview that was 100% against current reality.

And it didn't matter because they, again, because all they did was rely on other people to tell them whether or not the sky was blue. Right. You know, it's amazing because it's like those same people, like you go back to the W, the era of W, and it's like,

that guy invaded two countries on false pretenses. At least one for sure on false pretenses. Afghanistan, you can make the argument, but you cannot make an argument about Iraq. two countries on false pretenses, at least one for sure on false pretenses. Sure. Afghanistan, you can make the argument, but you cannot make an argument about Iraq. And that costs us trillion plus dollars. And lots of lives. Not ours, but theirs, yeah.

But these guys care more about money. You know, like it's very clear they care more about money than lives. Otherwise they wouldn't behave in a lot of ways they behave. Yeah. So just sticking to the money part, it's like, this guy made a mistake that cost

trillion plus dollars. Trillion plus dollars. And we don't look back at that and say that's the worst thing that's happened in the last 30 years economically to our country. That's a trillion dollars that we could have had. Any trillion we didn't spend could have been

trillion. You know what I mean? You keep your trillion dollars, we could have had like any any trillion we didn't spend could have been trillion you know what i mean like a trillion that's you could you keep your trillion dollars so all that like all the talk about like economy and growth and all that like how much better would that have been if we didn't have w yeah and that's an answerable question that you can do the math on yeah and it's astonishing to me that like we refuse to look at shit that instead it's like well you know under obama he created this this fucking health care system is basically paid for itself. And that cost, you know, billions. It's like, yeah, we invaded a country, killed 100000 people and lost 3000 lives for no reason. Spends cost a trillion dollars.

But Obama gave a bunch of people health care. Yeah. That they had to pay for with insurance premiums. I like what I feel like a crazy person. Yeah. So let's talk about Trump. He called into Fox and Friends. I think it was Fox and Friends.

Yeah. And he just has a 40-minute long diatribe where he's complaining about this person, Yovanovitch, who wound up being the person up being the person who they, that was the ambassador that they interviewed in the impeachment hearings. And during this big long diatribe he's on, on fucking, on Fox and Friends, he's like, well, they never hung up my photo. I took her a long time.

So she clearly doesn't like me. What the, like, seriously, the most powerful man in America knows if you put up his photo he doesn't even know that he doesn't even have anything better to do yeah that's what i mean like you shouldn't even know this having narcissistic fuck it was it's it's it's an onion headline or something like that where they're like having solved all other man's problems you know like where it starts out like that, like that's, it's like, there's so many other things that you could be spending your time and energy on. And that's the thing that I think bothers me the most about Trump is that when he watches TV and you clearly know he watches TV because he's tweeting about it while

it's happening, he's live tweeting everything, you know, you know, he's doing this. You're like, your time is more important than that. this guy shouldn't know if people like him or don't like him and he shouldn't care he should be above these things we literally pay just one guy in the whole country to just be above this kind of petty day-to-day right right self-involved bullshit yeah like the thing is like you look at that kind of self-involved narcissistic bullshit in regular people and it's like like, oh my God, it's fucking tiresome. It's so tedious. It's cringy and tedious.

You're just like, ugh. Nobody likes that guy. To your point, this guy shouldn't even have time to know this. And he's fucking obsessed with it. Here's what he said, just so we're not like anyone thinks that we're missing it. This ambassador that you know everybody says is so wonderful, she wouldn't hang my picture in the embassy, okay?

She's in charge of the embassy. She wouldn't hang it. It took like a year and a half or two years for her to get that picture up. She said bad things about me. She wouldn't defend me, and I have the right to change an ambassador. He's obsessed with likability. Yeah, he wants everybody to like him, and if they don't like him – and that's a perfect example of him being just such a narcissistic shit where he's obsessed with likability. He wants everybody to like him. And if they don't like him, and that's a perfect example of him

being just such a narcissistic shit where he's just like, you have to have my photo up there. What is wrong with you? Everything. Oh. Everything. This is amazing.

I can't even. This is unbelievable. President Trump says about the 100th anniversary of women's suffrage, the 19th Amendment ratifying women's right to vote. He said with his own. They've been working on this for years and years. And I'm curious why it wasn't done a long time ago.

And also, well, I guess the answer to that is because now I'm president and we get things done. We get a lot of things done that nobody else got done. He didn't get the 100th anniversary of things done. We get a lot of things done that nobody else got done. He didn't get the hundredth anniversary of something done. You know, my administration, we get decades done in eight and a half years. I like the whole purpose of this. Like the article, they're like, yeah, this shit's always like unanimous. It's a sort of unanimous back padding commemorative coinative coin bullshit. Is somebody filibustering the commemorative coin for suffrage? Is somebody out there pulling out the phone book and fucking Mr. Smith went to Washington this shit?

This is the most useless shit that Congress does. Right. Give me a fucking break. Fuck you. Yeah. Well, you know what? Because I'm president, I celebrated my birthday on the day celebrating the anniversary of my birth. Well, yeah, that's how that works. It's the name. You can't have a centennial early.

It would be not the centennial. We beat the traffic on the centennial and we had it 10 years early. They've been trying to get the centennial done early well the roster are still getting written, but the donations have stopped. We hit the goal. We're super excited. And we want to thank everyone who donated. You folks really did change a lot of lives this November.

And of course, we want to keep going on these roasts. So we invited on the Siskel and Ebert of Christian Movies and their best boy, Noah Heath and Eli. First things first, Don Ford, voice of Fantasy and Adventure, would like a roast of me and Tom, so hit us with your best shot, guys. Oh, finally, we get to talk shit about each other. The listeners have waited for this long enough, I guess.

Right? Okay. You guys look like white privilege. We act like it, too, so that's fine. Yeah, no shit. But not that much privilege. We act like it too, so that's fine. Yeah, no shit. But not that much privilege, like a little bit. Yeah.

You guys look like you have a podcast, I gotta be honest. You look like the spokesman for a mediocre shaving kit called OK Groomer. Yeah, you look like the behind the music of Bebop and Rocksteady. So, Bebop and Rocksteady. Burns good, but Christine donated $150, and Robert and, what is that? That's a real person's name. O.C. Lucell donated $50 to give the same treatment to yourselves.

Dibs on not knowing. Dibs on not knowing. Damn it. So, how's the quitting smoking going no i'm fucking great fucking great all right uh heath and eli look like if taking an argument about a game of magic the gathering too seriously was a gay couple thank you compliment yeah exactly take it uh all right noah looks like he dropped out of samurai school to work on his subway guitar act and uh eli looks like a baby larping as a moil all right uh heath looks like the one monk who took a vow of onanism

and noah looks like the portrait that's been aging instead of Cher in her attic. Alright, I'll try. You guys look unemployable. I meant unfuckable. You guys look like you couldn't employ someone to fuck you. You guys look like villains in an animated

PSA about the dangers of skin tags. Tom and Cecil, you guys didn't have to do one. Remember? Do what? All right, let's get down to it, guys. Here we go. First one's for Noah. In the name of hitting our $100,000 goal and quitting smoking,

Gerald would like you to roast addiction. Addiction, you're like the government subsidy for intoxicants right you obviously can't make it on your own in the marketplace of inebriation so you kind of come in and underwrite you with your corporate welfare bullshit addiction you're like donald trump everybody hates you the more they get to know you you're worth a hell of a lot less than you pretend to be and no one would feel bad if i kicked you okay eli this next one's for you heather would like a roast of her brother-in-law yeah so brock is awful in a lot of ways that are not funny but he started his own motorcycle club and then got kicked out by the other members and that is correct. It should also be his epitaph

because it is the best possible descriptor of who he is as a human. For more than a miserable failure of a father and a husband, if we ever lose Brock and for some unimaginable reason we try to find him, the only possible way we will guide people

to his emaciated corpse that not even carrion creatures full of refuse will eat would be to issue an all points bulletin to look for a guy who started his own motorcycle club and then got kicked out by the other members.

Okay. Got one now for you, best friend. Not best friends. Okay, don't lash out, Cecil. Not in front of the $200 thousand dollars okay jordana gave us 100 bucks for you to rose her ex-friend diana oh well this picture of a very ultra religious diana is amazing she's wrapped up in a fur coat so tight she looks like she's gonna shoot out the top of it like a wet bar of soap deanna you're afraid of harry potter because you look like a giant furry mythical creature ate him and is currently getting ready to drag its butt across the ground to get the rest of him out of his ass okay heath this one's for you joshua gave us 50 bucks for you to roast his ex

friend chris a missionary with no useful life skills to support his new child. Have at it. Great. All right. Chris looks like he's been trying to support the new baby with slam poetry open mic bringer shows. And naturally that was not working.

But he just realized that the problem was his leather jacket didn't have enough zippers. So he just fixed that and he's about to start crushing it. And Tom, Michael gave us $1,000 for you to roast Philly and or Pennsylvania. So make it a good one. I'm going to go with and I think Cecil. All right. A lot of people say that Pennsylvania is the south of the north, but that's not really true.

Pennsylvania is worse than that. Pennsylvania is worse than the south. Pennsylvania has a reputation for having a lot of Amish people, but I'm not even sure how you could tell. The whole country is so full of neckbeards, I'm not sure how you count them all. And Philly, you call that fucking thing a steak sandwich that's a steak sandwich like cat food is surf and turf your state is gross and weirdly indecisive but the rest of the country has decided we're just not that into you all right next up we have some special requests so let's start with joseph who gave us 750 to

rose france and i'm sure he wanted eli to do it even if he didn't request it don't do that next up we have some special requests so let's start with Joseph who gave us $750 to Rose France and I'm sure he wanted Eli to do it even if he didn't request it oh hello everyone it is me this is my favorite

I love this authenticity sorry let me just take a moment from murdering my wife for the 22nd time this month to remind you

that there isn't a war I can't they have a huge spouse and abuse problem there isn't a war I can't... They have a huge spousal abuse problem. There isn't a war I can't lose. Menon, menon, a joke, of course. There are many wonderful things about France.

The food, the art, the architecture. Just nothing that anyone alive had anything to do with. But hey, remember, we don't always lose to the Nazis. We defeated one last year. She came in third place in our presidential race. It went the guy who won and meh. Anyway, who wants some overpriced wine? True story.

True story. Amazing. This next one is for Sarah Huck huckabee sanders are you here yep okay all right chris greg and derrick would like you to roast press secretary stephanie grisham all right excellent hey stephanie grisham you look like the least interesting woman in the world you look like you don't always drink beer but but when you do, I beat you to death with your own heels outside of TGI Fridays. And I don't mean your shoes. I mean, I pull your heel bones out with my bare hands and beat you.

And that beating is the most interesting thing that ever happens in your life. Why? Because you're basic. You're basic. You're basic. Okay, Noah. An anonymous donor gave us $750 to roast their coworker who is also named Noah.

So I guess it takes one to Noah one. So how about it? All right, Noah. You look like the person the phrase coupon-related violence was coined for. Also, you're a fucking strike-breaker, dude,

which is cancer if it could have a 401k. What, you figured the American worker had it too good? I get it. But on behalf of the nine remaining unionized workers left in this country, fuck you. The tragedy of the commons is that we didn't feed you to the sheep.

And you don't get that because you're stupid right yeah exactly exactly trust me no it's funny um okay so let me return the favor uh joanna gave us 489 dollars and 50 cents to roast boston oh boston is that kid from high school that constantly went on about his manifesto entitled there are black people and there are n-words. Boston is a Quentin Tarantino script where two vicious racist hitmen agree that women should totally have the right to choose, but feminists should shut

the fuck up about it. Boston is Grand Rapids, Michigan with a speech impediment. Fantastic. Tom, Chris gave us 200 bucks for you to roast their mom and her husband Carl sometimes we get these roast requests then they give us the story about people and then I read that story and then I fucking cringe and then I read a little further and then I die inside fuck all. Carl is a fucking monster of a person. He is a subhuman piece of accidental DNA. He is an animated dumpster scraping.

The kind of person that will make the eventual collapse of the human species worth that loss for removing any trace of Carl. Carl should have been stuffed into a sack and drowned at birth. He is the antithesis of worth. He is beyond redemption and is the reason I feel validated in not believing in forgiveness. And Chris, your mom, she's not much

better because as bad as Carl is, and he is almost impossibly awful, Carl, remember, is still evidently the best she could fucking do. Alright, it's time for Double Trouble. Like the robots in Pacific Rim,

these roasters are so powerful they can only be handled by two roasters. Or Idris Elba. I know. He wrote it. He wouldn't return our phone calls. This first one. I opened too strong. I think you should have relaxed it back.

Yes. I thought WhatsApp was a... Like most of your life, Eli. Relaxed it back. You should have... It's all about breathing. This first one's for Noah and Tom. Daniel donated $604 for you two to do the fusion dance

and roast people who don't get the flu shot. What the fuck is the fusion dance? It's a Dragon Ball Z thing. Do you feel like you just explained something now with that? Just do the roast, Tomather. Fucking shit. Just do it. Alright, you know what? If you don't get a flu shot, there's probably one of two reasons. Either you're so spectacularly

lazy that you cannot be bothered to take the 10 minutes to go to the fucking CVS or you are monumentally stupid. And normally, if you're this lazy or this stupid and you wanted to just get sick and die, I would be on your side. The world would, after all, be better off without you. But without herd immunity, there's a possibility that decent, useful people might fall ill. And when that happens, when a baby's lungs fill with fluids

and their mother sobs as their infant is put on a respirator you should know that that that is your fault and if you can't be bothered to get a fucking flu shot i at least hope that the death rattle of the next dying infant is your own oh god whoa yeah don't get me wrong you're like your selfish asses are a great argument against herd immunity but still get your fucking flu shot you guys are the no other strike breakers of disease prevention you are yeah that was heavy for tom it ended with the infant dying right right it was theirs they were okay all right ce and Tom, next one's for you. An angry army vet would like a roast of Leslie. Go.

Oh yeah. This picture is amazing. She looks like she's euthanized every pet she's ever had in the prime of his life because the taxidermy would look better. That's fantastic. She's like the final boss in a very boring bureaucratic army simulation game. She looks so sickly in the photo. She's G.I. Jaundice.

People like Leslie abuse their authority to get back at people because they know that their power is fleeting. The only reason they have any say in the world is because they have

momentarily been artificially vested with it. But that power is fleeting. The only reason they have any say in the world is because they have momentarily been artificially vested with it. But that power is fleeting. It passes. Even Leslie knows that real authority can't be maintained on an illusion. And she is afraid that the moment she shows weakness, she'll be found out and exposed and abandoned. And she's right. She will be. And when that happens, when the shit hits her fan and she reaches out for help, there won't be a single person reaching back for her. She will be powerless and alone and she'll know

she is out of second chances and that she is ruined and she deserved it. All right. On that note, Heath and Eli. And an infant dies. This is this.

An infant dies. An infant died. She shakes an infant to death. All right. Get your flu shot kids don't shake them fuck you I've read so many books you're just not supposed to shake them

how tempting is it to shake them Tom it must be really tempting why do they keep telling me it's like whole billboards for it alright Heath and Eli this one's for you guys Scott donated $220

for Eli to roast him and his fiance and Heath to roast their dog, Nix. Okay, so Scott and his fiancee met working in a strip club, but I cannot imagine what they did there. Janitors? You look like you're smuggling black market bridges of your nose out of Russia. I have no idea. Also, do you guys know how much you look like each other?

It's terrifying. It's too much. Is that your thing? Or did y'all just like really take it to heart the first time someone told you to fuck yourself? Because you're incestuous twins. I need you to know that. That's good advice. That's really good advice. You're related.

And the dog looks like them too which is pretty fucking terrifying so with the fuck yourself thing it got worse um and next that dog is a

pug chihuahua shih tzu blend what? it's like fucking city harvest took leftovers

from the dumpster behind a canine eugenics lab and put the shitty parts together recess behind a canine eugenics lab and put the shitty parts together. Recessive day at the eugenics lab. You look like the mascot for Taco Bell's soup kitchen. Before we take a break, let's see that triple action at work. David requested that Tom roast his daughter.

Eli roast him as Melania Trump and Heath roast. Oh, let me guess, his dog. I'm going to roast his dog. Yeah, his daughter. Eli roasts him as Melania Trump and Heath roasts... Oh, let me guess. His dog? I'm going to roast his dog? Yeah, his dog. God damn it. Okay, well, how much did he donate? $2,000.

Okay. Well, yeah. For $2,000, I'll literally roast and eat his dog. You're damn right you will. You're damn right. Go. Okay. Valid.

right you will go okay valid so uh we got a photo of this aggressively fat german shepherd like it's so it's so big it's like a snowman version of a german shepherd it's staring at david's little daughter like this dog is going to run over an eater if his diabetic claws weren't falling off. And his daughter is an adorable little Latina girl, I think. So it looks like a political cartoon of an ice detention center. Like an icing detention center. Okay, this one is tough because David is an excellent looking dude. Luckily for me, and Dave's money's worth,

he has the most terrifying non-haircut I have ever seen. Dave looks like a chia pet bought shares in the house it was raised in and then fired the owner. He looks like he walks into the barbershop and asks for the Mystic River

postscript. I think Eli's projecting. Baby, you gave $2,000 to charity and I love you. I do. But next year I demand, no, I beg that you give $1,960 to charity and break up with super cuts.

You owe it to yourself, Silver Fox. You owe it to yourself. Okay, terrific. So I get an adorable six-year-old girl. Okay, awesome. Hey, little girl. You look sweet and happy in your pictures. How great for you.

But you know what, kiddo? You're growing up, which means that you're going to have to enter the real world of being sweet and adorable. It doesn't matter unless you want to call yourself cinnamon and develop a meth habit and all that joy and laughter that you bring your dad now that's that's all gonna fade too because soon you won't be cute and pleasant you'll just be a great big pain in the ass and no matter what you do you'll never be who your dad hoped you would be and although he won't say it every day you'll fall a little shorter and a little shorter of that goal until when you move out and go to college

your dad boxes up your remaining shift you let at the house and he doesn't even bother to donate it before carrying it out to the trash oh jesus and then you die all right all right gentlemen it's time for vulgarity for Charity's very last... Spiting Round. That didn't sound as good as Ian's version because he's on vacation. Anyway, the category is religious figures. Thanks to Floyd, John, Azelle, Whitney, Cassandra, Shane, Drew for this very special spightening round

I'd like you to tell me who these lying liars should be the patron saint of and why so starting off with David Bednar alright David Bednar

is the patron saint of cradle robbing David if you're gonna marry a woman 20 years your junior she's supposed to be hot you're doing this wrong a woman 20 years your junior, she's supposed to be hot. You're doing this wrong, David. Or rich.

Ken Ham. Next one's Ken Ham. The patron saint of burn victims. Because he is one, but they could look at his face and feel better about themselves, you know? Next one, how about all of Calvinism? Calvinism should be the patron saint of complaining that somebody hasn't returned your casserole dish. Okay.

And Rand and Oliver followers. Fantastic. Ayn Rand. Ayn Rand and the Objectivists. The worst fucking White Snake cover band ever. Stick with the name White Snag like I goddamn told you you're the patron saints of the tesla truck with truck nuts uh in the words of heathen right how about another round wait what i think it's an alcohol joke i don't know eli wrote it okay i drink alcohol that's right yes

yeah for the for this group of duplicitous dupes, I'd like you to describe their own personal hell. So Eli, start us off with Pastor Steven Anderson. Okay. This one's actually cheating because we saw the video. It's being surrounded by nice gay people who make your tummy tickle in Orlando while showing that your magic gay killing button still hasn't arrived from Amazon. So yeah, that's... You saw that one.

Okay, Noah. Christian science founder, Mary Baker Eddy. Oh my God. Yeah, the founder of the Holy Roman Empire of Religions. Okay. Her personal hell would be a classroom where she has to explain any single sentence she ever wrote to any person of average intelligence until it made sense.

All right, I'll take the next one because I think Jerry Falwell Jr.'s personal hell would be him in a gay pride shirt and he desperately wants to change out of it, but his closet door's locked. Just a wallpaper, the White House, and copies of the Treaty of Tripoli for eternity. Nobody's going to let him keep fucking that pool boy.

Somebody's taking it away. Tom, you're next. The personal hell of Amma the Hugging Saint? Amma's personal hell would actually be my personal heaven, one in which people starved for touch don't resort to hugging gurus, and instead just get a naughty massage like normal people oh yeah last one keith bring us home with the personal hell of yeezy kanye west all right kanye's personal hell is uh right, right now, inside his own brain. I'm pretty sure.

No shit, right? And inside Kim Kardashian's shadow. Yeah, right. Kim Kardashian, soon to be ESQ, I believe. And Kanye's devil is definitely Bernie Sanders. Liberal, atheist, Jewish, and musically talented. Oh. Yeah, he's a great tormentor.

All right, before we close out vulgarity for charity this year at least take a break for a couple weeks so that iTunes doesn't recategorize us under insult comedy we'd like to take a moment to give apologetic roasts to three very special people these titans of tithing donated last year only to have their requests

slip through the many many cracks in Eli's mind and we're here to make up for it so let's start with Bailey's mom, Margaret. I could have sworn I've already roasted her. I looked at that picture, and I looked through, and I tried to find her, so apparently I didn't. But man, boy, did that picture look familiar. Okay.

You look like an Ann Coulter fuck doll carved out of a giant Slim Jim. What the fuck? You look like the kind of person that knows your moon sign. You look like you decided to become a vegan because the only time you didn't feel superior to other people is when you were shitting. It's familiar because Noah has a fucking dog heart from a John Slade. And it's delicious, by the way. Okay, Heath, how about a roast for Rich from Rich?

All right. Yeah, Rich wanted a roast of mental illness in general, I think. And yeah, so despite Eli's amazing organizational skills and spreadsheet acumen, we never came through on this last year. So this is long overdue. Except it's not. Rich, apparently you have too much social anxiety to listen to our podcasts and notice your roast. Or, well, way more likely Eli's wrong about that and we did skip it.

Either way, let's try this again. Certainly the latter. Fuck mental illness. Mental illness looks like my face just punched me in the face. It looks like a self-referential analogy. Mental illness is the mental illness of mental illness analogies mental illness mental illness standing right behind me isn't it yeah but seriously i met rich over in the uk and it was a an absolute pleasure thanks for being you

and for being so patient at a mental health clinic where you Eli, why don't you do this last one for Lake? Ted Cruz. Sorry, really? Lake, we didn't do Ted Cruz last year? You sure about that one, buddy? We didn't get to Ted Cruz. Eli, Eli, Eli. Fine, my mistake, my mistake.

Ted Cruz, like this roast, is long overdue. He was a contender for president before Trump, which is like taking someone's virginity who currently specializes in quadruple penetration. Worst of all, Ted Cruz and I like some of the same porn and I will never forgive either of us

for that. Either of us. Two votes. And now his watch has ended. Well, almost ended. While many of your stories this year struck a special place in our cold, dead hearts, one that we found especially moving was of Eric's son, Egan,

who used his birthday to raise money for modest needs, carried a sign at a football game, all to raise $105 for a good cause, and would like Eli and Tom to roast his bully, Patton. Patton, I will fucking fight you. Eli, Eli. I will gatheron, I will fucking fight you. Eli, Eli. I will gather a group and I will fight you. Not the problem, buddy.

Not the problem. I'll hate you in my car. No. Okay. You'll miss him with your car. Yeah, yeah, you will. I will. Patton, you're a bully now

because you don't know how to be anything else. You're just a fucking kid. You don't know that the entire world's social systems can see you coming from a mile away, that the world was built by guys and gals who were themselves bullied, and that every step of the way, people like you lose. You'll lose by inches, Patton, slowly and inexorably. You won't even notice it's happening, but it will happen. And every step of the way, you'll feel it. You'll feel the increasing isolation, the loneliness, the rejection. That's the life of a bully, Pat. And it's lonely for a reason, because you don't deserve other people. And as your peers age and your world shrinks, and as the walls of your social circle collapse

around you, you will feel all of it. It will eat at you. It will fill you even as you are empty. Every night when you lay your head to pillow to sleep, it will gnaw you like a terrible hunger you cannot satisfy. The hollow empty shell of where you hurt will never stop aching. But the worst part is that no one will care that you hurt, Patton. You will hurt and you will be alone with it, nursing your emptiness until you cannot separate where you are broken from where you are whole. And it won't matter to anyone that you are desperate to be loved

because this hell is yours and you will never be okay. Also, he hopes your kid dies yeah uh egan i'm not gonna say anything meaner than tom just did because it's not physically possible but also i just challenged him to a fight so there's that i'll fight patent for you just throwing that out there but i i will tell you this egan and it is worth a thousand, Eli Rose. Look, your bully is mean and scared and ugly to the kids around him because he doesn't understand how to be kind. But Egan, already, you do. You are already so much cooler, so much kinder, and so much nicer in all the ways that matter. And someday, your bully, though it doesn't seem like it will be

a distant memory for you in five or ten let alone 15 years someone's gonna have to remind you he even existed but you you are forever a kid so awesome that we had to close a two hundred thousand dollar charity drive with your story. And that's the best revenge you could ask for, Egan. Also, he looks like Augustus Gloop got lit on fire. So there's a double thing there. Egan, you're gonna have two base.

So I know we still have roasts to go here and we will continue these for a while, but I did want to thank everyone for donating to Modest Needs. Thank you, audience.

You people are amazing. We want to thank all the people who made this the biggest year yet. Thanks to our guest roasters, the How to Heretic podcast, the Opening Arguments podcast, Andy and Marsh from the Merseyside Skeptics. And we'd like to thank all the podcasts that help get the word out. The Atheists on High podcast, Waiting for Wrath, Unapologetics, Believe It or Not, The Atheists on High podcast, Waiting for Wrath, Unapologetics, Believe It or Not, Saratalk, and The Thinking Atheists. Thank you so much for playing our bumpers. Some of you interviewed Keith.

It was just amazing. So thank you all so much for helping make this the biggest year yet. And a huge thanks to Haley and Tim who worked to organize this and make sure Eli can't forget your roasts again this year, which he will somehow find a way to do. And don't get too sad. We'll be back in a few weeks with even more Vulgarity for Charity. Thanks guys for joining us.

Thank you guys for having us. Super welcome. I love you guys. What? And stop recording right there. Okay. Okay. Okay. So we don't have a patron list this week because uh because ian is on vacation we won't have it for a couple weeks but we do want to thank our patrons like we always do and we will

thank our patrons this upcoming week for our fifth after our 500th recording show we're going to be having a pizza party specifically thanking patrons indeed hanging out with patrons um if you'd like to become a patron we'd really encourage it we'd love it if you would become a patron um you're the ones who make gloryhole studios exist you're the ones who help us make sure this show was possible so if you have the ability to donate we would love it you can go to patreon.com slash dissonance pod or go to dissonancepod.com there's plenty of ways to donate to our show we got a message a couple messages about the bill maher thing bunch of people just sort of saying, yeah, thanks for bringing this up. Like a bunch of people are like, Hey man, he's kind of a dick. And here's a, there's a couple of reasons

why he's a dick. I know Julio sent in a message that was like, yeah, I kind of swore off him for a while, but we also got a message, um, uh, sort of a, a message that was a little negative from Pat who was like, Hey, you guys did that segment wrong. You guys genuinely did not explain in that segment that that guy was actually saying to vaccinate their children. He was saying you should vaccinate, but you should spread it out. And he's also shrugging his shoulders a lot and saying, you know, I don't trust the doctors. And he's telling us testimony about basically saying, you know, I know a guy who said I wouldn't do it. You know, so he's he who said I wouldn't do it. You know, so he's,

he's basically poisoning the well when it comes to around vaccines. And he says he's not anti-vaccination if he's willing, if he's telling you to vaccinate your children. And I would disagree with Pat here, Pat, if he is poisoning the well around vaccines to make it so that people doubt more and more that vaccines are efficacious, even after all that study is done. He is anti-vax. He's a soft anti-vax. He's an insidious anti-vax. He's a shitty anti-vax, but he is, make no mistake, anti-vax. He's poisoning

the well around vaccinations. And anytime you sow the seeds of doubt around the safety of vaccines, because that's the only reason you would want a protracted schedule. Right. The claim is that Mara is saying, well, we should vaccinate, but we should have a longer vaccine schedule. One, you're deviating from the recommendation of doctors. Like the vaccine schedule is not a random, I don't know, get it when you want. It's not I'm hungry now, I'll go get a cookie. Right.

Yeah. It's not I'm hungry now. I'll go get a cookie. Right. Yeah. It's like, yeah. And the reason why they do it is because at certain ages, children are vulnerable and can be very, very, very much injured from these things. That's why they can't get it before X date because their immune systems can't handle it. But once their immune systems can handle it, you should do it because a kid with measles sucks.

Yeah, right. And measles is a great big deal. And all these diseases, we've talked about this yeah these are all big deal public health initiatives that fucking matter anything that the cast doubt on that schedule is basically saying like there there is a safety issue we don't want to do this as you know it's bullshit it's all bullshit if there was defies science yeah yeah exactly and if there was a problem with it, doctors would space it out so that there wouldn't be. That's why there already is a space out. They don't just pop you out of the womb and shoot you up with the measles vaccine, right?

So they already space it out. So when somebody comes in and is like, well, they're not spacing it out. Well, they already do. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? The only reason you're saying that is because you want to sell a book. That's the only fucking reason you want to say that. Yeah. Tom, we got a, we got a message from Will and Will was talking about how in his state in Oregon, basically, if you have a fuel efficient hybrid car, they make you pay two to three times more in vehicle registration fees. Um, basically

trying to collect the money for roads through different ways because you're not paying as much gas tax. And your contention is that that's just going to ward people away from buying these cars. Yeah, well, this seems to be a really bad decision. Like if the overarching goal is to get people to move toward fuel efficient rather than inefficient cars and to electric cars and to reduce the overall carbon footprint. And we want to reduce the carbon footprint, not because that just seems like a good idea,

but because there's steep health and human and economic costs to a greater carbon footprint. It seems to me we should be doing things to incentivize that transition. Would your state not be better off if everybody were driving more efficient vehicles and burning less? Yes, of course it would. Of course your state

would be better off. The idea that you would raise the registration because you're not getting, you're not able to squeeze people at the gas pump as much, that's literally the point of getting something

more efficient. Exactly, yeah. Like, these cars are already more expensive. You're already paying more for the car. You save some, but you don't generally make back unless you drive a lot. You don't generally make back everything that you spend

on the additional cost of the more efficient car. Now I've got to pay more to register it. That's just going to de-incentivize people from moving toward efficient cars, which means we're going to have people burning more gas and using more carbon, and then we'll just pay the associated costs of the climate change.

And you know, the other thing you mentioned too is that you should make it like a syntax. As time goes on, make gas a syntax. Make it, the more fuel-efficient cars come in, the harder it is to drive the fucking T-Rex 500 or whatever it is from, from,

uh, from RoboCop, the, that fucking big gas guzzling five miles per gallon car. You can drive it, but five miles, five miles per gallon, you're going to be paying a lot of money because gasoline is going to be so

expensive because we're going to be adding all those taxes on it to make it so people don't do it. And I think that's a great idea. We should be moving towards that. But this, this administration specifically, even with how they went after, uh, they went after California when they wanted to make up the, the mileage rules, um, they went after California fucking lost their shit. Exactly. So, so why we can't have nice things. It's not going to happen here. We got a message from, uh, from Keith Keith's from Australia and he said, Hey, look, here's a deal uh i'm a long

time listener but really you know i'm listening to skeptics creed and you put foot massage there he's like foot massage is fine it's you want to change it to reflexology here's the thing man we're 500 episodes into this thing we're not changing it that's number one we tried to tom tried to read it a different way one way we played it for three weeks we got so much hate mail because people know the cadence of how it's read right specifically on how this particular version of skeptics creed is read look man he says tarot cards for crying out loud it's wrong we're just gonna leave it so stop pressuring us man look it also, it's a poem. It's not a one- So, the line, if you, is detox,

reflex, foot massage. The reflex in front of that refers to it being reflexology, but it's not just saying that. That's not how poetry works, either. Keith, it's not how poetry works, Keith. We're just gonna have to disagree. What do you think reflex is

there for? You think I don't believe in reflexes? The reflex is the referent. Tom goes in to the doctor and they hit his leg with the thing and it doesn't move and he's mad about it. No. No. I don't do that. I'm a skeptic. Regardless,

Keith, thank you for the message. Thanks, buddy. Thanks for listening to this show. And thank you for listening to the Skeptic's Creed. We got a video and we're going to post it on this week's show notes. It's a street fighter religion edition. Now this is a little different than the old one that was going around because this one has the guy who gets chucked off the stage on it. And then there's, there's a little bit of other stuff too. So check it out. It's gonna be on this week's show notes. is episode 499 we also are signed up not by us to a bunch of like conservative websites that send us like like uh they send us these ad what are they they're they're

fucking like pr firms that send us all this stuff and um one of them is one of them that i kept this week is just awesome. Trump to be pardoned on Long Island. They named a Turkey Trump that was born on his birthday and it's on Long Island. And they say Trump will be spared from getting his head chopped off and, and from any impeachment process as he is loved by everyone. So since everybody loves him and I've been to Long Island and everybody on Long Island loves Trump. So this makes sense.

Everyone on Long Island's a fucking Turkey. Everybody on Long Island is kind of golden brown, like a Turkey. Now that you mentioned it, I think they're, they're all like the Long Island medium, how she's just that weird orange hue where you're just like, are you part Oompa Loompa or just really just somebody puts you in the

toaster oven for the right amount of time? Do you have a lot of squirrel labor doing here? A lot of squirrel labor. Oh, let's get a wrap it up for this week. We will be back next week. We want to thank, of course, the scathing atheist guys, the puzzle and thunderstorm guys for joining us, uh, for doing vulgarity for charity this week. We are looking forward to seeing them in person next week.

Tune in next week. It's our 500th show. We want to thank everybody for joining us for 500. I don't know that we'll have an opportunity next week to get, to sort of talk to the audience like I am going to get a chance right now. But this show wouldn't exist without our audience. This show wouldn't exist without our patrons.

And I want to thank everybody for listening for 500 episodes. This hobby has been a great hobby for Tom and I for at this point over 10 years. And we've had an opportunity to really connect over a lot of issues that we probably would have connected with and connected on outside of a mic, but we've got them all on tape and people seem to enjoy them. And we just want to thank you all for listening for 500 episodes. We think it's amazing. Yeah, guys, this show has changed my life and I've had so many opportunities. I've met so many people

I've done that. My life is different and richer and better because of this show. And I do owe a lot of that to the listeners. Most of it to Cecil, to be honest, but a lot of it to the listeners. So, so truly heartfelt. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks for listening and come back next week it's going to be a lot of fun puzzle guys in in studio thank everybody for donating for uh to uh modest needs for vulgarity for charity and that is going to wrap it up for this week we'll be back next week for our 500th show but we're going to leave you like we always do with foot massage credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized,

stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Deadpan sales pitch Late night info docutainment Leo Pisces Cancer cures, detox, reflex Foot massage, death in towers Tarot cards, psychic healing Crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti Aliens, churches, mosques

And synagogues, temples, dragons Giant worms, Atlantis Dolphins, truthers, birthers Witches, wizards, vaccine nuts Shaman healers Evangel evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.