Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 500 Celebration

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

      and       This week in trump:     Thanks to Puzzle in a thunderstorm for joining us.    @piatpod

This week's show is brought to you by HealthyMail.com. Just go to HealthyMail.com or call 877-4-VIAGRA. That's the number four and Viagra spelled out. Use the code word GLORY and you'll get 20 pills for $49. And this week's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Just go to AdamandEve.com, type in the word glory at checkout, and you'll get 50% off almost any item, a bunch of free stuff, and free shipping. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way.

We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at motherfucker this is cecil and tom and it is our 500th episode so we have wow we've decided to despoil the glory hole think about what it means to despoil a glory hole for a moment it's a little crowded at the glory hole today you know we don't say that very often a lot of times there's a lot of room there's a lot of craigslist ads out there not a lot of bites on that a lot of misconnections is what i'm saying today at the glory hole today we have the puzzle and the thunderstorm guys in studio with us guys welcome to the glory guys hey real quick um it's always all dudes at the glory hole. What the, just in case anybody out there has some fucking illusion.

Otherwise this is the gender makeup of the glory hole. Gentlemen, thank you for coming to the studio. Please do not come in the studio. Too late. Thanks for having us. Yeah, right,

right. And, and let's, let's start with, let's talk a little bit about the friendship that we've, we've gotten so far, especially between me and Heath. Eli, why don't you go first? You talk about whatever friendship you have

with somebody that hasn't been mentioned yet. So we're just doing order. I'll name them now. Order of reciprocation. Any order, literally name a friend. Three, two, hats. Cognitive dissonance. We're so happy you guys are here.

We got a lot to cover this episode. We're going to be covering a lot of stories, and we are super glad you guys made it all the way out here. I thought Tom was going to get 500 wrong. I thought there was a change in that. It's 50-50. It's over-under every time. What's your batting average on that? It's like 50 50.

I don't we don't know. The best part is now we have Ian to just correct it. It's amazing which is he'll just fuck it up and it'll be like beep. Sorry. I'm Tom's an idiot. It is blah. It was literally 500 500. I'm right here. I'm right here and you're gonna hurt me like this. Look, I'm Irish. We don't

measure everything. Okay. And we really don't get it right. It's a good size. You don't know what units. It's 500 something. A sufficient episode. A perfectly sufficient episode. We've gotten complaints.

There's too many episodes. Maybe we just speak this episode and do a lot of oral stuff. Gary Busey said recently that Donald Trump would make a great president. Of course, he said the same thing about an old rusty bird cage he found. All right, let's talk about this first story from right wing watch Johnny Enloe. God is using Trump to separate history into before Trump and after Trump. Yeah. Isn't that just how before and after works?

I am going to use this time to separate us from before the BLT to after. And I know the audience can't see this, but if you're going to find a partner, find someone that looks at you. Like this lady looks at Johnny. I'm right. I am like, like she has like a golden retriever puppy looking at her mom. That's like the first lady with Justin Trudeau.

To be fair, he does tattoo the insurance premium on the inside of his ear. So that's what she's reading. He also wrapped his dick in begging strips. Pro tip that helps. That does. I was going toggin' Strips. Pro tip, that helps. Yeah, I was going to say, let's not give away all the secrets. I can use a whole Beggin' Strip. Those are 87% effective.

You invite me to your home and you insult me. That is 100% the right adjective, though. It's Beggin'. Let's play Johnny. I was asking the Lord about it. He hadn't told me. I was like, Lord, you still haven't showed me. And then I'm right, let's play Johnny. I was asking the Lord about it. He hadn't told me. And I was like, Lord, you still haven't showed me. And then I marched right when I'm saying that I.

Why don't you ever fucking answer my questions, God? I've asked you all of these direct questions. Oh, omniscient being who has created all matter and light, but can't fucking get around to responding to my email. Being withholding from this guy. It's weird that God would have that relationship with him. If you're not picturing Heath as God, you're missing out. I don't like to pray.

I texted you 15 minutes ago and I know you're not busy. I know you're not busy. I saw the delivered thing. It popped in. I saw it. Active on words with friends. I see the little green dot. Look, for God so loved spending time with the world that he,

I don't want to talk about it. I have this, it's not an open vision, but it was a vision. So it was a closed vision? It was a closed vision. Okay. Now we should point out that he pointed to the back of his head when he said it wasn't an open vision. Maybe there's a wound she's looking at there.

An open vision is just the prelude to a divorced vision. And getting kicked out of your job vision. And in the vision, I see this circular mountain that goes up and there's a path all the way up and at the top is Donald Trump and he's on

a motorcycle and okay this is a wet dream that he's describing first of all and i hate i know i'm focusing on the wrong thing here but all mountains go all the way up definitionally we should have we should have a guest pet into every one. It's amazing. It wasn't a closed mountain. It went halfway up and then there wasn't, but there was a top. It was a Mobius mountain, actually. It's a real bitch to get up there, let me tell you.

It's one of those MC Escher mountains. You're climbing halfway up, then you're back down and there's a fucking gecko for no reason everywhere you look. I was trying to get to the inside of the mountain. I never ended up there. I was just on the same mountain outside. What is a circular mountain? Yeah, that's what he said. It's like a circular mountain.

Like, oh no, it wasn't like a rhombus mountain. Let's not get crazy. Don't they tend more toward the cone? Triangular mountains is what I'm more familiar with. Is he just thinking about Epcot Center? Is he just thinking of Trump on a motorcycle on top of Epcot Center?

And he's on a motorcycle and he's making a lot of noise with it. And he has red, white, and blue bandana on his head. And so in an instant, it was... He's got eye ejaculation. He's got one of those bandanas, like half over his eyes, like suicidal tendency. All I wanted was a tax cut. Just one tax cut. It wasn't hard for me to figure out what was being said. It's the only time I've ever, while seeing a vision,

actually talked out loud. And I go, Oh no, because I was like like this means this is not going to be a peaceful exchange this is not a peaceful transition we're going into this is something more and then i was brought in i genuinely though i could think of a no more peaceful transition than trump driving a motorcycle off a mountain pretty fucking peaceful i like it american history nixon flies away in a helicopter. Trump drives away in a motorcycle. Donald Trump, Baron Trump,

when he's president, he just explodes on a big firework. Liz Warren just runs away. Beep, beep. Yeah. Real close to the motorcycle. And it was triumph, which is further confirmation.

And so I was like, Lord, as I'm saying that, the first thing he said is, wait a minute. Is he saying that the motorcycle was a triumph it was a triumph that's how he knew trump was gonna win trump because god is just not even fucking trying with these visions a little on the fucking nose like there's no explication required like he drives away on an indian you're just like okay we've done that before. That's just redundant now. That said, imagine how hard it is to be God and send this guy a vision he gets.

Oh, I sent him a Honda. They did internment again. I don't know. I tried the burning bush thing. He set his wife's pussy on fire. I'm having the worst week. He is going to save you from things you don't know you need to be saved from yet. Simplest.

He said, don't know. That's a nice untestable thing, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Then the Lord progressively began to speak regarding that, and he said. How do you progressively begin to speak? I'm going to be the penance on this one. Do you start off with like a low whisper and just

gradually build on ability? It's like the loud ass motorcycle. Wait a minute. This time in the presidency is going to be a hinge of the ages. A hinge? Yeah, I think he said hinge of the ages. Yes, and he's real

proud of that one because he's going to say it nine more fucking times before this clip is up. So it was like a wall and now Trump's a door? That's a weird pick. Okay. He's known as before Trump and after Trump because of the way I'm going to use him.

I'm using him as a Trump card, but I'm the Trump card. Oh my! The Trump card, he's going to use him. I'm using him as a trump card, but I'm the trump card. Oh my! It's a trump card. He's going to trump his opponents. That's a word so you can use it in a sentence. He's talking about God. So in his head, God needs to

use special winner cards to win a game where the cards need to work out for God. God didn't just create everything. Skip, skip, drop your hat. It was a no-trump in bridge. This fucks up my whole thing. You have to call the game one. You can't call it uno.

Not in this card. God's version of a skip card is childhood leukemia. Pick four is optimum. I got two of them fuck hard player and so your nation will be known as before trump and after trump and he said the nations will be known as before trump after trump and the lord it was like he's like i'm really not interested in your all's vote this time i'm doing it i usually give you all that option this time i'm not this is a rest okay we got it okay so yeah tom and i have talked about this a lot since the last

election and many of the uh the christian yeah the hard right pundits especially the ones that talk about politics have been saying trump won the election because of god tom and i can only figure out two ways that that's possible. One, God just changed all the votes and didn't matter what you did. God just changed all the votes. He didn't change it to a popular vote victory. He wanted to hedge it, make it look not suspicious. Exactly. He wanted to cover his tracks.

Or the second option is he just changed people's minds that were going to vote for Hillary, but they just went in and they changed because they're blaming it on God. Is there any other option other than he changed their mind or he changed the votes? Like I can't, I've got one. What if he just divinely created a bunch of Russian propaganda? I don't know. Maybe it was Ukrainian propaganda. cranian propaganda rescue operation from heaven this is this is a a moment of the ages this will go down this time period will go down is he doing movember really badly it's the saddest saddest end of yeah wow as a before andD., you know, but B.C., A.D. B.C., that's the one.

He did not know for too long. He wasn't sure. Is he confused about the B.C.E. thing? You think that's what he's confused about? I can't imagine that this guy gives a rat's ass about being nice to Jewish people when he names the year. So, no, I think it just took him that long to remember

which letters we use. Because if you watch it, you can see. I don't live in them times, y'all. I don't need to write that one on the check. Because you can see him figuring it out. He's like, A, D, or P, pre-something. Pre-hinge Trump. Try them.

Planet Batat. Depending on what terminology you use now. I don't know that I disagree with him. I do think we're going to look at the world and be like, yeah, there was a time when things made some fucking sense. Yeah. And then there's after that now where we all live in an increasingly nightmarish dystopian hellscape from which we cannot escape. Tom, half the people in our audience More than half probably Have penises I'm going to say it's more than half

The other bit like them A lot, right? A good percentage like them And it could be that some have them and like them And that's fine, right? We're not judging I was going to say, I have a penis And I got to say I'm pro my dick

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Go ahead and call 877-4-VIAGRA. See if you're eligible. Avoid the doctor's visits for your ED once and for all. Again, the offer code here is GLORY. This story comes from the Raw Story. Nepal's mass animal slaughter begins despite outcry. I love this story because the photo that they chose to use to open it up is just some dude with a fucking bandana on with an enormous curvy sword like i am fucking these things at the top of a

mountain on a motorcycle but i'm sorry but is he holding that sword backwards or is that just me they're not supposed to curve in like that are they i know i genuinely don't know because i don't have a lot of nepalese animal slaughter swords here's the deal they've got some fucking voodoo magic religious bullshit which i guess means that they have to get dozens and thousands of animals together put them in a place 200 butchers yeah just i mean so that tells you how many animals yeah and they just stab and slice and, like, fucking cut these things up. Mutilate these animals, yeah. And then the fucking local yahoos and yokels, like, they're, like, hooting and hollering amidst the, like, carnage of death and destruction.

And they're like, well, all right, we scaled it back from the last time we did it. Last time we did it, it was, like, last time, I remember we covered it last time we did it. They were like knee deep. Like, it's not even fucking kidding me. 200,000 animal deaths. Now they're ankle deep, so still. But what's great about this is that someone from like the West was like, hey,

hi, I know you live in a goat culture and you believe that you're pleasing the god Brahma by killing a chicken, a rat, a fish, and a buffalo all in the same day. But there's a white lady who got mad in between her yoga classes and we need you to tone

it down. Right, right. Because let's be fair, like, okay, I live in South fucking Georgia. My niece, I shit you not, hunts deer with a crossbow. Nice. Alright, so like That's wanting it. You know, how is this worse? I shit you not hunts deer with a crossbow. All right. So like wanting it, you know, is how is this worse? Yeah, well, that's the

other thing. It's 200,000 times less. Yeah, but yeah, it's yeah, but I mean, she's not the only one doing it. It's brutal. Yeah, I wanted to like a Nepal exchange program where they come see a factory farm and they're just like, what is your God need? You guys are yeah. What is this your God need? You guys are fucking nuts.

What is this McDonald's God you guys are praying to? Can I just say he's overdoing it? This is a once a year thing for us. You know, they get all these goats. They kill like a hundred thousand goats. I think they should just leave one alive and send him back to the rest of the goats and let them know what's happened. Take a message back.

You need to go back and tell your friends. We mean fucking business. You know what I mean? Leave that spider carcass on the wall. Don't come into this fucking house. Spend 40 years denying the goat story and then like a rock band tells everybody about it and all of a sudden we agree that it happened.

It was an Armenian genocide joke. Allegedly. Who's an Armenian right now who's like, yeah, Eli gets it. No, there's not anymore. Jesus Christ. By the way, in this story, my favorite little detail is you don't have to, they pray. So like the people go to this thing, they pray to the God of whatever. And they're like, I pray to you and my butcher friend's gonna kill three goats

for you you do it in proxy right yeah one guy out of like the billions of people that go to i don't know how a lot of people go to this one guy was like i actually prayed and um i'm freeing two pigeons and the fucking headline the story just really drills into that guy they're like see see they're not all bad but if you're allowed to do that, what's everybody else doing? If you can pray to the God by being like, I'm freeing a goat, one guy can't just be like,

I'm canceling the festival. In honor of the goddess. What's the arbitrary number with two? At one point, too, they say that, like Eli said, that they wind up killing a goat, a rat, a chicken, a pig, and a pigeon. Why two nuisance animals and three livestock?

Like, why that choice? Why that? Yeah, if they just stuck with the rats, I think we'd shut the fuck up. Nobody would care. Whatever. Can you guys do this in New York City, maybe? Exactly. Let's put it in Chicago.

This is Nepal, Cecil. Everything's livestock. Do not, my friends friends become addicted to water it will take hold of you and you will resent its absence this story um so it's nice to just have no more faith in humanity at all so we'll move from the 200 000 animals slaughtered just so the sky was happy about it to this one which is way more humans slaughtered yeah uh los angeles times he wanted to ban feeding homeless people now he's about to lead a federal homeless agency nice so just just to get the the juice of the story this is a guy who's basically his stance before he was in charge of the homeless was like look we don't want to encourage the

homeless to be homeless by feeding them because i guess if they're hungry enough they'll go buy a house they think they think that they're pigeons they think that like like they're like human pigeons and if i and if i throw breadcrumbs out to them they'll come back tomorrow and i'll be real sad because i don't want to have to keep doing it this is treating the homeless population like the bears in yellowstone it absolutely is it's like a fucking bison or whatever i believe it was a great english author who said if they're going to die they'd better do it and decrease the surplus population what do you mean that's the beginning well this is a guy who basically became famous for pushing back against the housing first model of how to deal with homelessness, because apparently they needed to name the what if we put them in houses?

Wouldn't they stop being homeless? Yeah. What is second after fixing? Like, what do you do? The first one you can move on from the homelessness. Well, not according to this asshole. This guy feels like he's got some like,, you know, housing fifth model or something like that. Hunger first.

We're going to fix homelessness with more hunger. He actually uses the word enabler as, like, giving homeless people food. You're being an enabler, like, as if they're an alcoholic. They're a foodaholic, and you're enabling their eating. You give a homeless guy a house, that's just heath. I'll tell you right now. Well, you know what they say, give a homeless guy a hammer and he'll beat

you to death for not giving him a fucking place to live, you asshole. I want to read the Trump quote from this because I love it. Oh God. We have people living in our best highways, our best streets, our best entrances to buildings. Nobody lives on the bad.

What I want, what I want though, is a Twitter account that rates entrances to buildings like 10, 11 much entrance. Like that would be amazing if that happened. What I love is that this man manages to say that in order to try to drum up sympathy for the roads and building entrances, right? Real quick. The other thing, too, is that he's not criticizing government spending so much on helping the homeless.

What he was criticizing was donations from charity to help and feed the homeless. Like, he's not even like, I don't want to use your taxpayer dollars for this. He's like, I don't even want you to voluntarily use your own dollars for this fuck them that hard the whole like the right is always like wow we can the government doesn't have a place in fixing these problems it's for charity to fix it's like well what about if even charity got the fuck out of this what about if this problem just fucking died what if they just genuinely froze to death genuinely that's their fucking plan well yeah because how else are you going to reduce homelessness without giving them fucking

homes just kill them off yeah literally the quote right there at the bottom page there it says no one has got out of homelessness just because they got fed that has never happened so you you get out by starvation from homelessness like it works itself out in payroll as his fucking plan for homelessness. It's like Chronicles of Riddick. You gotta kill a necromonger to get out of homelessness and then you can take their place. That's how it works. Let's be clear. He is now the guy

nationally in charge of this problem. He's gonna take their coats. That's gonna be the thing he does. It's a national coat check. And they don't give you a slip, so you're just walking out like, I didn't get a slip. Well, you don't know where your coat is i'm sorry fuck you like do you remember when we watched wild wild country did you guys watch wild wild country yes like one of the things they did like they were like we need more population so we can vote and

like control the city council and one of the things they did is they're like well there's a bunch of people nobody else gives a shit about yeah Yeah. If we just bust them in and feed them, they'll give a shit about us. And that tactic kind of worked. Yeah. Like it wasn't a useless, ineffective tactic. It had problems because homelessness is rife with some other difficulties around mental illness and addiction and other things. Right.

But like. But they fix that with free lithium. Oh, they definitely fix it. Free, surprisingly. They definitely fixed it. They're like lifting their arms three times to see if they're asleep. It's like a fucking WWE rap.

Yeah, because they did. They spiked their beer for a third time. They're like, ah! One of those homeless guy comes off the top rope. It's just amazing that he's off the top rope. He's eating the top rope. Maybe we should have fed him before the wrestling tournament. They totally drugged all those people.

It's the worst. It's so shitty about it. I'm not saying that they were good, but I am saying that that was better than this. God. Yeah. Like the bar is that low. The bar is like, well, what about if we involuntarily drug them and manipulate them for our political wins? That's still better.

I thought that the point of the church was to worship God, and the boy fucking was just incidental. No, it's just the other way around. The point of the church is the boy fucking. All the other stuff is just busy work. All right, so we got a couple of stories that are all interrelated because, fuck, they are. So this one's from CNN.

For a year,olics have pleaded for this bishop to resign he finally did and i read the headline for that story and then i read the story and at first i was like cool finally somebody resigned and then i was like oh he was like 74 and is forced to resign at 77 he basically like took an extra two years of vacation yeah yeah that's like that's the big punishment is like guys if you really push me hard yeah i'm gonna stop working a handful of years earlier and with no extra punishment he was not gonna get punished by the catholic church let's not pretend no that that was gonna happen even the resignation isn't like it ended his career like but mid-stroke

or anything yeah i mean the fucked up thing about this too is that like we are in a position where we're like, yeah, the Catholic Church isn't going to do anything to this guy and therefore nothing will get done, right? Don't we have a whole team of people whose job it is to punish criminals? That's the thing is they say Catholics plead with him to resign. No,

grown-ups caught him fucking kids and then they were like... So he wasn't fucking kids. He was moving people around like a chess piece. He had a list that he wasn't telling people about, right? Right, yeah. I was going to say, he probably was fucking kids, but we don't know that he was fucking kids. But yeah, he had a list of people that were fucking kids, and when they said,

hey, give us any lists you have of people that fuck kids, he gave them some of the list he had. And then one of his aides was like like i saw a list of like 80 more people and released it and she's a hero when you think about how often this happens where they they they take one priest they'll move them around and they've you know they're they're constantly sort of obfuscating these guys who are doing horrible shit to children and they only they only seem to care when they get caught they own that when it when it costs the church money is when it starts it starts to become a deal because before then who gives a fuck right nobody cares and there's nobody prosecuting them nobody does

anything to these guys no and the guy had a fucking list in his closet and what's more he's not the only priest with a list like this someone Someone in Rome has a list of the list of the rapists at this point, and we're still not doing anything about it. I think they run into the Excel problem of like, final rapist list, final, final, last one, booty

shark. At what point are we just going to decide this is a criminal enterprise? You kind of wonder if they're just like what more do we have to do look at our history look at our presence look at every like what next steps do we have to take before someone's like okay yeah all right full stop evil like we can't use the rico act to take these people down. We can't do anything. Instead, we're just like, well, those churches have a lot of nice stained glass. Have you guys ever been in one?

Beautiful. Yeah, and here's the fucked up thing is that when the blowhard Alex Joneses of the world are trying to make up the worst thing they can imagine that the Democrats or that Hillary or whoever is doing, they come up with the Catholic fucking church, right? They just put it in a goddamn pizza place I did just grow a great conspiracy theory are you ready yeah the Catholic Church is a test from God he was like hey Peter here's the thing you send down secret instructions just fuck kids and when they finally destroy you I'll come back with my son and we'll

have nice things. And instead he's just up there being like, what? Why do they have a thing at universities? Yeah, God was like, I thought this would take an hour. I've been up here just fucking picking my ass for 2,000 years. I thought I'd dip out for a quick sandwich.

You know what? Jesus, turn the car off. No, I'm telling you. I want to keep it warm, too. All right, new test, new weird signal for the test from now on. We did it. That was a little too extreme. I don't know why we picked that. I will say, I think we're burying the lead in this story.

The guy who's replacing this bishop in Buffalo is named Scharfenberger. And that seems like the story to me. Most terrifying part to me, besides the obvious terrifying part, this guy's like, yeah, all right, I'm resigning, but I'll stay on as long as you need me to train my replacement. Oh, yeah, right. What are you going to train him? The shell game?

Institutional knowledge. You don't want to lose that. All right, so I run these summer camps. All right, so he's not even going to know where all the lists are if I'm not here. Booty Shark 8? Was it 8? But now I'm picturing like when you shadow as a waiter. So he's just sitting behind while he's paying off some seven-year-old's parents writing down,

this is an unfortunate incident, but one that happens all too often. Do you want me to do your roll-ups while you're doing this? I just want to get it. You have to sign them up for the loyalty program. Get the kid's phone number. I got the weirdest punch card, but this is a great job. We actually stole the one from this yogurt hut because the image still

kind of works. You know what's funny is it's like a little kid licking a nice free cup. It's slightly suggestive. Am I right? Am I right? The weirdest thing about this punch card is they're all free. So we don't.

Well, not exactly because the Catholic Church is paying $4 billion. It's based on a new wave of sexual assault lawsuits. And I do think that the only way that, because clearly justice is not going to be served in the criminal realm, right? This is not going to happen. Every once in a great while somebody gets caught, they get thrown away, whatever, they get put away. But it is incredibly infrequent. The only way we solve this problem is to hit them where they exist.

This is a financial organization. There's no way you can call this a moral organization when you're like, that dude rapes people. I don't put them in New Jersey to teach summer camp. So all they are is a financial organization is the only way to stop them. Just to fucking bankrupt them. Diocese by diocese. Yes.

I would say, I mean, you know, I don't know that it's going to work, but I think it's worth trying. Well, and I know that there are some States that are starting to treat them that way, right? A couple of states are saying, we're going to go after

them hardcore, and we're going to try to make sure that we punish them as much as possible. And Jersey is one of those states which has given birth to something truly beautiful. It's ambulance chaser TV commercials for did you get raped? They're in Jersey. They are.

It's literally the like, call 800. You got hit by a car yesterday. But they're like, did you get fucked in the butt last summer? Call our number. Or J.G. Wentworth. Well, I wasn't saying it because I don't know. There's a lot of confused

people calling like, yeah, but it was fine. I just didn't know I needed to report it. But what's great is it's all of these Jersey ambulance chaser lawyers trying to do the like, did you get fucking fucked in the ass? Gross. That's on you. But I can get you money. At the law firm of McKinty and something, something Irish.

I fight for you. They mentioned him in this article and i couldn't get over the fact that you know think of how often people get injured in car accidents and these people like that that's what they're looking for is that business it's gotten so prolific that there's enough people out there that they're like we need to target them with a television commercial yeah right right getting into a car accident being exposed to asbestos being raped by a catholic that sounds like jersey actually that's true that's how they take the citizenship test isn't this one of those moments where you look around and be like this shouldn't be a market opportunity like we should have so much child rape that it creates a market opportunity. Somebody's like, okay, weird business plan.

Hear me all the way through. Well, yeah, there was a pitch meeting. They were all sitting around and they were just like, you know, JG, this car chasing stuff. I don't know. How long is it going to last? Smart cars. But you know what never goes out of style?

Getting fucked by kids sure well and so here's the fucked up thing about this story to me right so this four billion dollar number this is an estimation based on eight new states that have either relaxed or gotten rid of the statute of limitations on child rape so they're going to have like basically they're having a statute of limitations holiday in new york for example for like two years where you can go back and sue people so what what that means is that they could have gotten rid of the statute of limitations on child rape but instead they decided to put a pause on it or have some kind of half-bitch. Why would you ever have that fucking statue? Yeah.

And it's like a holiday, which is an upsetting word for that, too. Are all the cards for that belated? Like, that's... You don't want the foot-dragging rape victims coming forward, you know, like, oh, there's paperwork, I don't have stamps. You want the ones

who care they got raped. This is $4 billion worth of money. And I was thinking to myself, that's like one-fifth a border wall. You could probably wall up every single priest in America for $4 billion. It's like individual Cascavel Montiato-style wall. It's like there's one or two stadiums.

We could just put them all. I think we should try Cecil's idea before we reject it. Also, I saw a stat in one of these articles. The average payout is $350,000 per victim since 2003. Do that division on $4 billion. What the fuck? Also, that's way too low, is it? Yeah, right? Yeah.

I think you should be allowed to pay $350,000 and rape a guilty priest. Like, if that's the number, then that's the number going back. That's how it works. So, Tom, right now, our sponsor, AdamandEve.com and AdamandEve.com, I just want to mention, if you like to fuck...

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trump stuff you could just do it like the entire show so we decided to like try to keep trump in one little section but even still even still all these religious people that's all they talk about yeah how do you guys get or do you, you guys just have to deal with it because I know that scathing tries to stay a little bit out of politics, at least somewhat out of politics. How do you guys get around that? I mean, every single one of these guys

is always talking about this stuff. Yeah, well, we basically have to do the same thing. What I have to do a lot of times is I look over the headlines we're doing and I'll be like, all right, maybe somebody's fucking around in China or something. Looking for the non-Trump stories.

Especially because we also do a politics show that's going to be 99% about Trump as well. Maybe somebody's fucking around in the Ukraine. Nope, that's him. That's him. Alright, spin the globe again. Spin the globe. Uzbekistan, fuck you.

London, no. Here's a gusto. Spin the globe again. Spin the globe. Uzbekistan, fuck you. Nope. All right, here goes. London, no, no. Here's a gusto. This is not about a man. This is not about a party. This is not political. This is spiritual. And I have to tell you this, because if not, I would be a liar.

I would be a hypocrite. So I have to tell you this. If you hate this man, if you hate this president, if there's something in you that you hate this man, I strongly counsel you to go on a fast. Yeah, because if I'm hangry, I'm going to dislike him less. Like if I fucking skip breakfast, I'm like ready to stab somebody in the fucking eyeball for a sunny side up egg. You eat a Snickers, you turn into Matt Gaetz. You don't get to interrupt me now. Prayer and seek the Lord with all your heart because something is wrong in you. You have been deluded.

You have been blindfolded and the enemy is having his way with you. All you need so far is a safe word and a nice afternoon away from the kids. No Snickers. He's saying fast. Also, Nine and a Half Weeks remake starring Augusto Perez

and Matt Gaetz. Yes, please. Nine and a half weeks was a movie about sex before porn was on the internet, young people. So, you know, we all jerked off to it.

It was fun. Let me give you a piece of advice also, okay? If you still hate Trump, forget about the man himself, the personality. Okay, hold on. I'm willing to hear

this part of the advice out because nothing in the world would make me happier than forgetting about trump right it's like if i could find the part of my brain surgically remove it that has that word and the image of his bloated neck skin embossed into my fucking hippocampus forever i would excise it with a fucking ice pick every day and twice on sunday i love i love how quick the guy he's with is to say yes yes forget about oh god please forget about the man right every trump supporter as soon as it comes up yes no yeah we can ignore all that can't we it's a disclaimer that literally every single pundit that's the far-right pundits all say it's like well just you just got to takeit that's the far-right pundits all say it's

like well just you just got to take away trump himself and you got to take away these actions that he's doing you got to take away because he's from god and you just got to take it you know you can't you can't be counting all these things against him we hear that we've been hearing that for three straight years yep well i love too that like this is a guy whose entire brand is based around a cult of specific and individualized personality. All that he does is stand in front of a helicopter and scream at reporters about, like, nobody else could have done the centennial for ladies better than me. I'm the only one.

Me, me, me, me, me. And then the other guys are like, all right, ignore him specifically. And you're like, there's nothing else. Yeah. It's not like you can look at his policies or anything. Well, look at all the things I've gotten done. When you have some extra time, you'll, okay. I can almost count to a hundred.

Not exactly, but I can ball bark a hundred. That's pretty good. I made a load. This is a guy who thinks that Element is a guy who thinks that element. Oh, is one letter when he sings, you know, forget about focus on what he stands for and what he has done.

And here you go. No, it here is what he's done. Yeah. Let's focus on what he's done. Right. But, but apparently this Augusto Perez thing has mistaken him for fucking Batman.

Listen to the list of shit he's done according to this guy. I love, too, that, like, focusing on what he stands for. The man is literally a metaphor for racism and homophobia and xenophobia and misogyny. Like, that's the worst thing you could do if you wanted, like, a friend of Scott. Cheating at golf. Yeah, exactly. The worst. Driving on the green with your car. Fuck you. worst thing you could do if you wanted like cheating at golf yeah exactly the worst driving

on the green with your car fuck you he's a metaphor for the worst most debased garbage shitty parts of us and he's like focus on what he stands for focus on the well-done steak and the ketchup i think it's the omelet station it would guide you home anymore is that the worst thing he's done the worst the thing has to be the steak. Steak and ketchup. I'd rather eat a well-done steak with ketchup than drive my cart on the green.

I would rather drive a fucking A1 Abrams across the green than eat a steak, a well-done steak with ketchup or even watch somebody else do it. I'm just driving his A1 Abrams all around the golf course. Four, bitches!

Four! Dude, he's fucking doing donuts on the fucking... I would play golf if I could shoot golf balls out of a tank, though. I'll tell you, I would play that in a second. That game suddenly has more value to me. Man, that'd be amazing. I changed my answer to sexual assault. I had to think about it.

Thanks for thinking about it. Every time we get together. We're going to rank them. I mean, you're going to rank it. Because if you look at that, he is doing our father's agenda. He's tearing down the pedophile rings. Human trap. What?

The what? Pedophile rings? Is that like a weird game of jarts? Where you got to throw the rings around a kid to capture them? Not the whole kid. You can't play that game anymore. They've recalled that game. Unless you're in the church, I guess.

It's a weird event in American Gladiators. Pedophile rings. Yeah. But that one American Gladiator was like crazy good. It was really good. It was really good. But they allowed it in his home country. That's why.

He's retiring now. It's fine. The Vatican it in his home country. That's why. He's retiring now. The Vatican City was his home country. Packing, drug smuggling. He's also coming against abortion. Maybe we want to rephrase coming against abortion. That's how you end up needing the abortion. Honestly, I think that might be what's

in his tax records is how many abortions he's written off. Wait a minute. Are those write-offs? Yes, they are. If you pay for somebody else's medical expenses. Yeah, it's always a write-off. Yeah.

Gosh, we need a guy to do these taxes for us. I'm telling you. You know when Noah says a smart thing and then I think a stupid thing because of it? Now in my head, I'm starring in a movie. Don't we call that scathing atheists? Yeah, exactly. Now in my head, I'm starring in a movie about a guy who writes off all of his taxes by just going around the country paying for abortions. Get rid of abortion, all of it.

He has already defunded Planned Parenthood, and they're fighting him tooth and nail. He has appointed many constitutional judges to Supreme Court. Man, I need you to be way better at saying the word constitutional constitutional too many t's are there non-constitutional court justices he is uh bringing this nation back to righteousness or wait a minute hold on hold on is is is appointing supreme court justices supposed to be an accomplishment? Like if somebody retires, then that's the thing he has to do next. Well, unless, of course, Mitch McConnell is running the opposition on you. Fair enough.

I guess it would be an accomplishment, but it shouldn't be an accomplishment. And that's structurally broken. Trying to. He has given the Christians a voice. He's protecting the Christians. He's protecting the churches. Finally, the Christians have a voice. He is stopping all these Muslim terrorists from coming in. I mean, he is doing the will of the

father in this country. Fred Trump, the Nazi. China has total respect for Donald Trump and for Donald Trump's very, very large brain. All right, so this week in Trump is we got four stories. Do you have a theme

song? We play so when Ian does it, he does have like a whole theme thing he does, but when I'm mixing the show, I just play one clip. I'd like to improvise a theme song. Go. Go ahead. Oh. Something, something, something.

It's this week in Trump. Ian, if you could take that and just like digitize it. Ian, I want you to work on it if you can. Remix it. Thanks, buddy. Use your Grammy. I can't believe that was just boom off the top it was amazing right all right so i didn't even realize that rub-a-bee bubble bump so trump who slashed taxes by 1.5 trillion is pushing cuts to food stamps uh audio of private trump tower meeting reveals how donald trump won over evangelical leaders trump caught on microphone congratulating himself about his

trudeau attack that was funny when i said that guy's two faces and uh trump claims americans have to flush the toilet 10 to 15 times as opposed to like one single time. We're going to cover the less crazy stories first. Which is the less crazy one? Yeah, I'm a little confused on that subject either. The less crazy one is that how he won over evangelicals. So one of the quotes that I really like about this is, any leader who tackled the wedge issues with Trumpian ferocity was on the side of righteousness.

And we've talked about these wedge issues for years. You know, Newt Gingrich was the sort of the father of the wedge issue. Yeah. And he's the one who brought this in, you know, making sure that abortion is front and center with all the Christian right in this country, talking about that over anything else.

And Trump has really embraced these wedge issues. And I think, I don't know that this hidden tape helps anybody, right? I know everybody knew how he won them over. I don't know that this hidden tape helps anybody. Everybody knew how he won them over. Did you guys watch The Family? Did you guys see that? Did anybody watch that? Did you guys watch this?

So in The Family, they talk about, specifically one of the things they talk about is the wolf king, they call it. And the wolf king is someone who you don't care if he's Christian or not. You just want him to be a bulldog for your issues. You don't give a fuck about what his fucking personal morality is. Right.

And this all comes from the fact that the, the early Hebrews always got their asses kicked. Basically throughout their entire history, they got their asses kicked. So then the person that kicked their ass would get their asses kicked by somebody else. And they'd go, see,

that was us. That was us. Our God decided to use some other religions, dude, to kill the see that was us that was us our god decided to use some other religion's dude to kill the guy that was pissed it up just a note on that like i feel like if i get beat up and then the guy who beat me up gets beat up that just makes you feel worse that's an insult to injury moment isn't it just like oh but i was beaten by the best. That means I can. When my dad showed up and beat up a child, then I win. Also, too, he's pushing for cuts for food stamps.

And this article, I think, goes to a really good examination of not only is he trying to cut away these programs, which they call entitlements, right? And they're cutting away these programs, but he's also like, since he's taken office, has cut so much, and now they're going after these tiny little pieces of what the right calls entitlements. Yeah, but this will have a massive impact on our economy.

I mean not like in dollars and cents or in good terms, but in the idea that people won't be able to eat and so they'll be less functional in the workforce because they're hungry. OK, well, but that will feel better about knowing that hungry people didn't get us. Well, he has a lot of food himself. I'm just saying, like, if you look at the man, clearly food is not a scarcity. Just win the Super Bowl. He'll give you burgers. win the Superbowl. He'll give you burgers. The crazy thing about snap is that like when you talk to people who are against food stamps and they don't know that most snap recipients are children, like literal children. And there's this great moment you get to watch every time you have

this conversation where someone rededicates themselves to saying, fuck a child, right? Look, every Trump supporter has that moment where you go like but what about this thing and you say it as a question and you watch their brain clunk into that first gear and be like most of these kids are too fat anyway they got them fruit roll-ups when i was a kid you just took apple skin you rolled that out that was our fruit roll-up i'll tell you what all right let's go to chick-fil-a let's go chick-fil-a or we could eat these sandals we're wearing either way the same flavor so and i love too that the argument that's presented okay so this this story is coming from this you know he's been trying to do this forever but there was a new

study that showed just how many people would be kicked off of uh snap if he did this and the chief defense that most people have used is yes but those people already have jobs or wouldn't it's not like this is their only source of food you think that makes you less of an animal yeah yeah but they still have some food well kudos to them well also it's like well those people have jobs like that's the whole point like that's worse like the guy who doesn't have a job and it's like, well, those people have jobs. It's like, that's the whole point. Yes. Like, that's worse. Like, the guy who doesn't have a job and it's like, I don't have anything at all. We're just like, well, that guy's like, I'm working and I'm still poor.

That's how fucking broken the goddamn system is. It's just somebody wakes up and they go to work and they're like, I don't have anything left over and I'm working real hard for it. We've talked about this before. I'm working real hard for. We've talked about this before. It's like, if I'm going to be fucking poor and have to accept assistance and get shit on by everyone everywhere I go, at least I don't need to be

fucking exhausted at the end of that. You know how I got poor? I got hired by Walmart. That's how I got poor. And then Trump went and cut corporate taxes on places like Walmart for a huge amount of money compared to this tiny amount that they're going to save you. Exactly right.

So dumb. And what's weirder is the people who are like, fuck that guy, are statistically that guy. Yes! So he's just sitting there in a mirror being like, look at you, you fat lobster-bying son of a bitch. No, I work on the night shift. I can't sleep because the dreams will chase me back into the real world. Fuck you. We live in a world where entitlements for poor

people are like, I get to eat once in a while and entitlements for the rich we talk about this tax cut is like, yeah, I want more money to invest in many different houses. What if my money doesn't have any other money to cuddle with? What are you talking about? So my money gets lonely.

What the fuck? So my money just never has a threesome. It just goes through life without ever having a threesome. My wife can't get her boobs upgraded. You expect to eat a sandwich you bought at, ironically, Walmart. My neighbor talks shit about my dogs. I'm a libertarian candidate for president. Can we go back to the picture of Trump at the top of that story for a second?

Can we just dwell on this for a second? Let's talk about it. Look at the... So you guys ever go to like a cocktail bar that does a lot of old fashions and there's the orange with the little peel part? Yeah. Does that not look like what's happening there? Little like chunks out that are just all white and pithy and then the rest.

You seriously took my favorite drink and just made it. Did I ruin old fashioned? You just ruined it. All right. So let me do something different with it. Have you ever been in like a really old car, like with the bench seating and it's starting to crack a little bit and some places the stuff is entirely. And you have like the sub seat going on. That's his face.

His face is the sub seat. And your car's a Nazi. Do you ever have a friend who takes pictures of their baby too early? That's what it looks like. Oh, you should have waited a couple of weeks for that squeezing to wear off. Isn't it true that your nose is supposed to continue to grow through your life? Is the rest of his face just extruding out past the noseular region?

His cheeks are like a Play-Doh fun factory at this point. For real. It's like that house that's been painted too many times and the plug isn't, you can't even see it anymore. I don't know. I have moments of empathy at moments because I feel like Trump, hear me out,

we all know a shitty Trump and no one accidentally made, Russia didn't accidentally make our shitty Trumps in our lives president, right? Like your guys' former boss and my shitty former boss, nobody was like, hey man, now the whole world's going to pay attention

to what you have to say. I feel like I have a slight sympathy because he should have just died on top of his secretary and instead he has to go to jail for grown-up crimes like it just seems like a lot let's talk about the let's talk about trump trump getting made fun of by other world leaders what happens is is there's a camera that's far away from the world leaders and they're pointing mics at them and they can only hear a couple of things one of them is justin trudeau saying and then he just

called a press conference like randomly like why would you do that and everybody around him laughing and mark cone's there and boris johnson's yeah boris johnson's there too who's like like if you're getting laughed at by boris johnson that's like that's like you go and go podcast convention and david smally is making fun of you like it's so so embarrassing but in any case but it's also but it's also and i love this so much it's also trump's goddamn nightmare right that as soon as he's out of the room, all the other world leaders are making fun of him, and he actually got to see that.

I'm really... As if you didn't love Justin Trudeau enough, right? But, like, there has to be, like, he's surprised, but did he think he walked out of the room and all the world's leaders are like, man, he got us. That guy's fucking killing it. He's crushing it out there. Did you see him grab my

arm and pull me like that? He pull-started me like it out there. Did you see him grab my arm and pull me like that? He pull started me like a fucking long arm. Did you see that? This is a guy who doesn't know that the rest of the world is like, oh God, how many more years? How many more years can America stomach this? But like they make fun of him and he's like later, he like tweets out a thing like Justin Doe two-faced.

And then later he's like, that was real funny when I made fun of that guy that made fun of then later he's like, that was real funny when I made fun of that guy that made fun of me. He's like, are you six? He's like, hey man, how about when I said you're two-faced, huh? Boom ya! Dude, you hear my sick burn? Oh, oh, oh, let's do it again. Okay, you be Justin Trudeau.

I'll be me. My favorite joke. You're going to love this love this eli my favorite joke that i saw it's not mine but someone on twitter had posted um that picture of justin and melania and trump and it's when melania is turning just perfect and the camera catches her just gazing at him like looking at him all like lustfully real man i don't know if you've seen that if you guys have seen this but i'm sure the audience has seen it and someone had tweeted a photo of that and said, which one of Justin's two faces do you think Milani would like to sit on? And someone in our fan page had the best answer.

And their answer was the black one. I thought that's what that joke meant. I interrupted. Go ahead. No, I just, I, now in my head, I'm formulating that like Trump is constantly coming to other people and being like, so did you hear? Did you hear? Because we all know

the guy who like tries out a catchphrase. He's like, you know, they call me the bomb. What do you say? Can I officially put the bomb on my little NATO main plate thing? Can I officially put the bomb on my little NATO main plate thing? Can I do that, Tyler? But that's the thing is that I don't know if you guys have read the book that the anonymous op-ed writer. No, not yet. But that's exactly what the fucking book says is that yes, he does that like for like a week

and a half. He sees a graphic that he likes about something and that for a week and a half no one can get him to talk about anything except for the game of thrones sanctions are coming tweet right so yes that's exactly what happened every conversation with him is probably him saying hey you remember that time i told you about that story where i asked you if you remember that time that's every conversation you have with him that is that is the least surprising thing i've ever learned about Donald Trump. Because it's something he says all the time. Nobody else could be as great as I could be as great as I am.

So great. Did you see me great? So good. Trump is just one forgetting to cover his mouth cough away from being a toddler trying to tell you a joke. So anyways, I said to her that she cut that I would alright we're gonna play this clip now this is Trump claims Americans have to flush the toilet 10, 15 as

opposed to 15 times as opposed to once I love that he has to put as opposed to once so that we understand the context of 10 to 15 I know how many times you're supposed to flush a toilet he's the type of guy, though, that would finish dropping a fucking major deuce and walk out

and call the maid to flush the toilet. I want you to look at it. He just throws her the keys and walks out. What are you doing? I made a boom boom! He's bending over, touching so he can wait to get wiped. Mr. Trump, why does your poop have

a kiss? Just pull them around. At what point are you just like, okay, I just need more fiber. This isn't even a low-flow toilet. I just need more fiber. A little deuce coop.

We have a situation where Oh, gosh. All right. So this is... A little deuce coop. This is... It's all done. There we go. We have a situation where we're looking very strongly at sinks and showers. What? Why? What's happening in your life? And what's the weakest you can look at a shower? And did this all start because someone was like, you know, Mr. President, we've been really concerned about the toilets. Why don't you check that out for a little while?

You know how Mexicans are getting in? The plumbing. Don't worry, Tyler. I'll keep an eye out. There are like families in Flint, Michigan who are like, yeah, we've been asking for this for a long time. If you can take a look. And other elements of bathrooms where trans people are inside of them flushing our toilets again and again.

What other elements though? Like, is he talking about the medicine cabinet? What is he talking about? You know how you go into someone's house and you open the medicine cabinet and then they've got that vagina stuff and you think, ew. That's an issue for her. It changes the way you see her as vagina stuff. And you think, ew. That's an issue for her. It changes the way you see her as a person.

And you're constantly sniffing around her from that point on. You're just like, now I can smell it. I think I can smell it. You thought it was perfume, but now you realize it's a medication. What world are we living in where someone's just gonna be like,

flush your toilet, it's the police. That was 14. Yeah. One more time. You turn the faucet on in areas where there's tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it. Sorry. What does, wait, hold on now.

Sorry. Where do we start? Is he describing areas called rivers of immense water where they rush out to sea? Where they rush out to sea. Which means in his head, there's an amount of water you can handle that rushes out. Like he's standing at the front of a water pipe somewhere.

This is excessive. This is fine. This is, I got it. Mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem, mlem. Isn't it embedded in this? Like, okay, we got to use all of it we possibly can. What if we didn't use some of the available fresh water immediately on silly shit?

That's greedy as she would get it. And you don't get any water. You turn on the faucet, you don't get any water. They... What does that mean? That means somebody's going around and turning the fucking thing under the sink to fuck with him. It must be, right?

I really hope that's what's happening at the White House. Somebody is just following him around and another one just in front of him is wading ahead. Tyler, this one's out of water, too. This is unbelievable. Is there a river near here?

Are we on the Potomac? I keep hearing people say Potomac. This one's out of water too. This is unbelievable. You got to do it. I got to wash my hands. Is there a river near here? It's like an enormous river. Are we on the Potomac or something? I keep hearing people say Potomac. I got to wash my hands with chocolate syrup again. Also, we should point out this video we were watching. You can see Anderson Cooper. He's just asking with his eyes why he's not allowed to kill himself. Andy, baby, I'm so with you.

You wanted to be a reporter and i wanted to be a podcaster and now we're just like maybe the president washes his hand with chocolate he made a boom boom 13 14 15 take a shower and water comes dripping out it's dripping out very quietly dripping out very Very quietly. Very. Okay, somebody. It's like somebody's playing Mad Libs with the guy. Give me an adjective. How do things drip?

No, that's exactly what it is. Because you can see him trying desperately to think of a water adjective. Best water. Stupid. No, no. Slithering one. No, that's not. Very.

No. Very water. I feel bad about that one. Is he taking a bath in a low-flow toilet? Is he just going to... I've been all over... He's flushing it 13 times. I've used a low-flow toilet and been, shall we say, disappointed by its lackluster vigor.

But I've never been in a low-flow shower where i've had a similar experience you're like well now i still smell bad like is he just splashing himself upward and then you gotta compare you gotta consider he's got those russian prostitutes to compare it to think all the vodka i feel like this confirms noah's theory though that, that there's the aid walking right behind him, turning the sink all the way off, but the shower almost all the way off, so that he has to get in and be like, ah, it's dripping.

It's just a little bit. Because if it was totally off, he'd just be like, it's broken. You know when you go to a friend's house, and they have a weird shower, so you have to do that thing where you're like, please turn your shower on for me. There's seven knobs, and none of them have anything to do that thing where you're like, please turn your shower on for me. There's seven knobs and none of them are, have anything to do with hot or cold.

I bet that's what he has to do with every shower he ever, it's all a puzzle that he can't solve. Up, up, down, down, left. Damn it.

Are you showering in a lot of escape rooms? Oh no, I'm totally with Eli on this one. Like I went to a friend's house one time and had the shower where you just have to, you have to pull the thing on the tub. It's like you're going to touch a vagina by the. Yeah.

And you got to pull the front and center. No. Yeah. The tub, the, where the water comes out, you have to pull down on that thing to get the shower to go on. And like, who the fuck would ever think of that? I'm sorry. You didn't just think to start wrenching at random.

Things that shouldn't normally move are moving around in this place. I don't even know what's happening. You see that fuzzy part of the tile? You just put your hand through it. Like Donkey Kong Country. People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once. Oh, Anderson, I love you so much. In that clip, I recommend you go online and watch this.

Anderson mouths, what? But not what like, oh, look at me. I'm doing a joke. But just like, I'm Anderson. Fucking Cooper. I sit on a yoga ball. 15 times. What did you do to that thing?

You know, if it's 15 times, you know, he's like gone out of the room and got a coat hanger to cut it up get it to flush he's like got a mandolin out there and he's slicing it a little little i'm eight or nine times and i'm looking for something to bail it out the window are you fucking kidding he's got he's got he's got his his mixer his stand beaters and he's just mixing it up to try to get it to flow getting getting stiff yeah he's just like nope up to try to get it to flow. Getting stiff peaks. Nope, not there yet. Here we go. You got to keep going on this.

What are you, flushing a hooker down the toilet? What are you doing? I'm done with her. She already peed on me. I'm just going to shove her in here. They end up using more water. So EPA is looking at that very strongly, at my suggestion. Wait, what are they looking at exactly?

Okay, we have a very good friend that's a scientist at the EPA, and I absolutely guarantee, one, she is not looking at this very strongly. Two, if she got a memo to look at this very strongly, she would fucking kill herself on Facebook Live. And do I have this right he's suggesting that places with too much water should flush more to solve that problem right like that's what he's saying yeah i think he's saying like places that flood because that's what this would prevent water that yeah so like huge like galveston gets a fucking major hurricane. Holy shit. I didn't even get that.

Watch out. Watch out. Watch out. Just New Orleans. Flush. FEMA goes down there just flushing. I quit. This is dumber than we thought.

I don't think I have that wrong. No, you're supposed to be right. What are you saying? Like, here's the thing. I couldn't parse out what he was doing, but now that you say it,

I'm like, no, that's probably exactly what he's picturing flood. And then he's like, how do you get rid of water but they're not flushing hard enough we put it on the BET

then they'll all do it how much water was there from Katrina like 15 times as much as a flush probably I will tell you a funny story of my own incompetence related to this my first house that I had I had a sump pump that failed so many times. Like it just, it was a comical,

like what else could go wrong in this thing? My basement is flooded. So I, I was so fed up with this fucking basement, which I had worked very hard to finish the basement and build an apartment in this basement. So like I had all these like redundant systems that would never fucking flood again.

And there was a time where the power went out and this and that. And I've got this like drop in pump and I've got a hose and I'm feeding the water out of the sump pump to a drain that I did not realize drained back into the sump pump. So I've got a pump and I'm draining water and it took me like, it took me 10 or 15 minutes. I've got this pump and it's pumping into this hose. And the hose is, the hose is running into a drain in the shower.

And the shower is moving that fucking wastewater back. Eventually the hose is like, dude, what are you fucking doing? Somebody said, I'm on him with a phone. They're playing the Benny Hill music. And I was like, it's not going down. 10 minutes. It took me 10 minutes to was like, it's not going down! Ten minutes. It took me ten minutes to be like, oh.

You guys, the bad news is my basement's flooded. The good news is I found a source of infinite water. I know what you think. I didn't believe it at first either, but I found a never-ending fountain. Perpetual water machine. El Dorado in my basement

so that is going to wrap it up for episode 500 but we do not we still have plenty of tape of the puzzle and thunderstorm guys they we we talked for a long time so they'll be back on episode 501 we will have them back, um, basically playing all the tape that we recorded today, uh, for, uh, for, for the following Monday. So you're going to want to tune in. If you're a fan of, of their shows, we had a great time talking to them about plenty of other stories. Like we say, stay tuned for next week. We want to congratulate them, uh, for an amazing job raising a bunch of money. Like we said, when we say it in the next episode, but we raised 300,000 plus dollars. The final figure came in and that's, you know, that's a

whole lot of money to help a whole lot of families. And we want to thank our audience. That's amazing. Yeah. See, so I'm going to be a little schmaltzy for a minute. I want to say like, if you hadn't dragged me kicking and screaming into this hobby, you know, we we've been interviewed and a number of times and like it's always like, oh, how'd you guys get started? And like the way we got started is the way that anything between us has gotten started, which is that you said we should do something and I agreed without a thought.

Yeah, you did. You know? I was like, yeah, sounds good. What was it again? And then, you know, and then you did the leg work and we did this thing and you called me up and you're the leg work and we did this thing and you called me up and you're like we're recording tonight i remember and i was like well i don't even know what that means entirely yeah and i went out to best buy and i bought a mic and you know

we we've been recording now for over 10 years yeah it's funny because like i look at my son i saw my son today he's 12 he's coming up to 13. Yeah. And he was a brand new kid. He was a baby. He was a baby. A newborn when we started. Yeah. So we've been doing this a long time. Yeah. And we would not be doing this without you. Like if you hadn't, if you hadn't suggested the idea and if you hadn't kind of dragged me kicking and screaming every step of the way, and this show is definitely like, it's changed my life for the better. I'm a better person because we do this show. And I like 500 episodes in, I'll pause for a second and I'll say publicly, thank you for it. I'm better for it. One of the things that we've, we've always bonded over when we first met and

all the way through has been the conversations that have never been about the weather. Like our entire existence has always been throw away that garbage veneer of how are the bears doing? Right. And talk about something deeper. And it's been like that since we very first met. And that actually was a clash between us. It was. We disliked each other when we first met.

And when we started talking and hanging out and bonding over some very deep topics, it became important to me to have these conversations. Right. And so we were having these anyway, right. We were, we were having these conversations all the time and it's, it's fun to go back and hear us change our minds. It's fun to go back and hear us have epiphanies that seems so obvious. I'm embarrassed in my once was, but it's, it's, it's fun to go back and you hear that stuff and it's, and it's made our friendship very close for

a very long time. And it's been a, it's been a one, a wonderful thing to work with you on this and turn it, turn it into something more than a hobby. It's not a business cause both of us are not, you know, we're not, we're not employed by the show, but we have an employee, um, that we pay a lot of money to, and that is, you know, part of the, part of the team. We have a space where we go to the show is very different from when we first started, which was, you know, office chair and talking into a microphone headset that, you know, and that's, and that's the nature of podcasting. And we've had a lot, I think we've had a lot of fun along the way. We've traveled the world and we've, we've had a lot of great conversations and here's the 500 more.

500 more. Yeah. Thank you. That's going to wrap it up for this week. Be sure to tune in next week. Puzzle and Thunderstorm guys, we're gonna be reading email next week. And we want to thank everybody for sticking with us for 500 episodes. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics grade.

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