Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 504: Toaster Shakins 2019

Episode Date: January 2, 2020

Clips from this episode:

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or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, You fucking rock. Hey everyone, welcome to the last episode of 2019, well, 2019, I guess it's the first episode of 2020 when it comes out. So this is a year in review. It's the best of the best and also more best clips from the year 2019.

We went through all the episodes and found the best stuff. So we hope you enjoy it. Well, let's without further ado let's go yeah this clip comes from episode 453 hamburgers released on january 21st yeah the application says that the school believes marriage unites one man and one woman and that a wife like a three-stage rocket? What is happening here? I mean, the marriage... Oh, shit! And it says that the wife is commanded

to submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. Jesus Christ. This is the vice president's wife. So, you get, like, it is reasonable to think that he shares these views.

Also, all of the available evidence about him is that he shares these views. Yeah, the available evidence about him is that he shares these views yeah I'm not shocked at all that she's part of something like this this is this is the most egregiously narrow minded view of Christianity possible

yeah and we are one hamburger away one hamburger you gotta look out for the hamburger rabble rabble You got to look out for the hamburger. Rabble, rabble. There's a hilarious meme this week that showed him standing with all the hamburgers

and he's in the Hamburglar outfit. And it says, don't worry, I got Taco Bell to pay for it all. Taco Bell. pay for it all. Taco Bell. Fucking amazing. Oh, Jesus. He saw all the fucking hamburglars, though, that he had on the table, right? Oh, I did.

Yeah, I did. It's so funny. The first comment I saw about that, this is where I'm going to refresh everybody's memory here. This is Trump this week had posted a photo of him hosting the Clemson kids

who just beat Alabama in the college footballs. And he was hosting, I think it was Clemson at the White House, but there's a shutdown. So they didn't have people to prepare the food. And so he bought a bunch of what he called hamburgers, which

they misspelled hamburgers. And he has a bunch of ham, what he called hamburgers, which I misspelled hamburgers. And he has a bunch of those and hot coffee. He had them. He had them all on a table on a silver platter with candles. And he had a bunch of hamburgers and a bunch of Wendy's stuff, Big Macs, whatnot. And and so he served the Clemson kids fast food because we didn't have a shutdown. But the first comment I saw,

which was fucking hilarious was, Oh yeah, I have no idea where the president who owns a hotel down the street could possibly get this catered. Yeah. And I, I like to that, like a couple of things he bragged about using his own money for that.

And it's like, yeah, but you were also bragging about being a billionaire. You have billions of dollars. You're bragging about like, I sprung off the dollar menu for these kids. I know, yeah. It's a couple thousand bucks. Big fucking deal.

For the president, that shouldn't be a lot. A couple thousand bucks. For a billionaire? All of your federal employees are going without that couple thousand dollars right now. Literally. It's so measured against the wealthy claims who cares? It's not even, it's so measured against the wealth he claims to have, it's not even generous. I know, right. It doesn't even count as generosity. You should tip that

to the doorman every time you leave a bill. Exactly. And then he also tweeted something like, rather than have the first and second lady make these kids a bunch of salads, I bought them these hamburgers. Hamburgers. Iturger girlers. It's like,

you know, like, women don't just make salads. Like, they'll get you a sandwich too. It was so sexist, though. It was so funny. It was so bad. And the idea is like, these are a bunch of high school, not high school, but like a bunch of college athletes. They're not going to want to eat a salad. And it's like so bad. And like the idea is like these are a bunch of high school, like not high school, but like a bunch of like college athletes.

They're not going to want to eat a salad. And it's like, well, OK, well, then make them something else. They're also, you know, they're also athletes. These are kids who are paying attention to what they eat. They probably have a team nutritionist. Right. You know what I mean? Like they don't want a fucking Big Mac.

Right. They probably don't want it, nor can they use it. I i know their season's over now so maybe it's a big cheat day but still can you imagine blowing cheat day on cold big macs that have been because like all that food is cold too like enjoy your cold shitty french fries from a garbage restaurant you know what's funny what's hilarious about this is you look at how it looks and it's the president is standing there, big smile on his face, and you have a bunch of hamburgers.

I can't stop saying it. It's so funny. A bunch of these all wrapped up all really nicely and they're on a silver platter. And it reminds me of the comment, whoever made it, I don't remember who,

that Trump is a poor man's version of a rich man. Yes. Trump is a weak man's version of a strong man. He's a dumb person's version of a smart man. And you see this in him. When you see this, you're just like, it's so fucking white trash. Yes. Yeah. It's unreal. Here's one from episode 454, Magnum Opus, released on January 28th. The box shirt is the shirt that you buy when you're ashamed of everything that you have

inside your body. So America. If you're American, you should go to our website and buy the box shirt now. I'm just saying I've seen the audience. I've met a lot of you guys. You see the one guy who's got the triple X and it's literally a sale for a pirate ship.

Come on. The thing's so huge. The biggest shirt before I lost weight, I was rocking a regular double X all the time. I was a double X. I'm a double X myself. All the time. Yeah, I'm a double X myself. No, I'm not. I'm a single X. I'm a single X. I would take time. Yeah, I'm a double X myself. And like, I would take,

Oh no, I'm not, I'm a single X. Yeah, I'm a single X. I would take my double X and I put my arms in and I would kind of go, and kind of give it a little stretch, you know?

A little stretchy stretch. Because I was ashamed to buy a triple X. But maybe the double X could give a little, you know? You needed a triple? I like a loose shirt.

You like a loose, you know, when you're moobs. The thing is, is the moobs should carry it. I was lactating at the time. They should carry it over the rest of it. And it should flow,

should flow from the moobs. Right. Yeah. I rock a single X and it's because of my height. Yeah. You're a million feet tall. Like I can't do it. Cause of like,

like what I love is a, one of those when they, when they actually have tall shirts, I love tall shirts when they sell like... That's so funny because I buy... When I buy a suit jacket or whatever, it's like a 44 or 45 S.

The stumpy T-Rex arms. I'll take a 44 stumpy. What do you have? Otherwise, it's like I put it on. It's like you're putting on your dad's clothes. The sleeves come out to your fucking thumb. I'll take a... Can you tailor in seven inches? Can I have a 40-42 amputee?

One of those. I got to tailor it like one black dick. Fold in like... Can you just take a vest and put two magnum condoms as the arm? The only time a magnum condom would be appropriate. I mean, the only time a magnum condom would be appropriate. I can't even,

my fist is swimming in there. Are you kidding me? What is a sleeping bag for? It's like one of those wind socks on a, on a fucking, on one of those. Jesus Christ.

It's like a weather vane with a wind sock on it just spinning around. You gotta roll that thing. You gotta invite a friend what do you need that for jesus it's like one of those you know like when they make those giant bubbles it's like a big giant bubble you're like what is that i got nobody i mean like this isn't a three-legged race. Like, what are we doing?

It's like the sack race. You're like jumping over. Honey, I'm coming to get you. Both your legs are in the Magnum condom. This bit comes from episode 457, High Pythagorean Math, released on February 18th. And he just writes back, fuck you. I was like, all right you fuck you alright so this is Corey Daniel

he's gonna be talking about the halftime show which was Maroon 5 by the way are they still alive? and a or were they summoned by witches?

I literally had no idea who they were when they came out I was like who is this? I was like this is the worst thing I've ever seen

and then there was a rapper who came out and I was like oh this is bad too I was like this is it was genuinely, like, it's so funny too,

because earlier in the week, someone had posted in sort of working their way up to it, two Michael Jackson videos. One of them was the first time he did the moonwalk when he did Billie Jean at like the Grammys or something, right, and it's fucking amazing. Michael Jackson does this amazing routine. And then out of nowhere,

it does the moonwalk and you're just like, wow. Like it's just crazy. Right. And then they posted his Michael Jackson's Superbowl when he did the Superbowl, when he did the halftime show. And it's fucking amazing. Yeah.

I bet. It's fucking crazy. I mean, like I don't even really like Michael Jackson's music, but it's just top to bottom amazing, right? And I've seen a couple of these where there's been people that have done some things that you're just like,

wow, that's impressive. These guys came out. I'm like, holy shit. I need to do something else. Like I just left a room. I was like,

I don't, I don't ever want to hear these people sing a song. I don't want to see this. It's the worst. It was the worst. I genuinely thought Mar. I was like, I don't ever want to hear these people sing a song. I don't want to see this. It's the worst. It was the worst. I genuinely thought Maroon 5 was like... I don't even know

what songs they sing. Like, they came out and they started singing. I'm like, I've literally never heard any of these. And one of those fucking garbage bands

that you forgot about, like Blues Traveler or Hootie the Blowfish. Hootie the Blowfish. Hootie the Blowfish. Nobody you know has ever said these words. I'm so psyched to go to the Maroon 5 concert.

And do you know why? Because you would kill that person. It's like being excited for the 311 album. Yeah, man. It was so bad, though. So this guy's going to talk about that particular halftime show. There was a lot of symbolism there. It was very low bad, though. So this guy's going to talk about that particular halftime show. There was a lot of symbolism there. It was very low-key, though.

I mean, it says the guy with a fucking giant celestial sun behind him. He's got like a blown-up tarot card behind him. Let me tell you something about symbolism. It said the man whose backdrop is a literal symbol. It was more of an advanced spell. For starters, it wasn't over the top at first. It was foundational, if I can use that word.

I know I use it a lot, but it was truly foundational, higher magic going on. Wait a minute. Is it advanced, foundational, or higher magic? These things don't seem like they coordinate. In order to have a very high spell, you have to have a good foundation. The higher you go with the spell, the better the foundation. That makes sense. You gotta sink that

spell into the bedrock. It's gotta be in the bedrock. Really get it. Exactly. You gotta pile drive that shit down there. Now it makes sense. Pile drive it. Like they do here in the city. Here in Chicago, like if you ever have like a high rise built near you, they have to pile drive down so deep because the ground is shitty. Because the bedrock is a trillion.

The ground is garbage around here. So they have to pile drive down so deep because the ground is shitty. The ground is garbage around here. So they have to pile drive down. And so you'll be at home and you'll think a T-Rex is in the hall. You're looking at your water shaking and you're like, oh God, I got to get in this weird car and drive away from a T-Rex now. You had

the halftime show opens up with a spinning Pepsi logo. And if you research the spinning Pepsi logo, you'll find that it contains higher Pythagorean mathematics. A spinning Pepsi logo

contains higher Pythagorean mathematics. No. Is that Pythagorean mathematics. None of... No. Just... Is that Pythagorean mathematics? Or is that higher Pythagorean mathematics? Doesn't even make any sense. None of those are words that you can put next to each other.

Like, the only thing I know Pythagoras did was the Pythagorean theorem, which has to do with right triangles. Yeah, right. It doesn't have to do anything with globes. It doesn't have anything to do with spinning Pepsi logos. Pepsi logo is a circle.

Like there's no triangle there unless you're like, I made this circle out of triangles. Maybe, but you know, is there a special branch of mathematics, which is purely

Pythagorean mathematics? Someone is going to email us. I know. I want to know that. Like there's Euclidean geometry. Is there Pythagorean? Yeah, maybe. And is going to email us. I know. I want to know that. There's Euclidean geometry. Is there Pythagorean? Is there higher? Maybe we're idiots. Maybe we don't know.

Maybe we don't know. I would like someone to tell me, if they are familiar with this, how the fucking Pepsi logo is a higher Pythagorean theorem or whatever. Even if it were, it's like, there's advanced math. Yeah, I guess if you apply mathematical principles to geometric shapes,

then there is. That's always the case. Yeah, it's like junior level. Because you can use math to explain the world. Like 16, you learn how to do that. I don't. Why is that magic? It's design. They call it the Pepsi what do they call it?

Pepsi chalice. No, it's the Pepsi chalice of blood that's what it is yeah but i said yesterday the the um the what the pepsi globe is what they call it oh the pepsi globe it contains mathematics and mathematics swirling it's it's it's magic it's sorcery right wait is magic is is math magic now hold the if... If I write an equation, it's probably not magical. But if I put it on a lazy Susan... Oh, my God!

You put it on a record player, you're like, 33, 45, 33, 45, 33, 45. Oh, my God! He's on a tilt-a-whirl. Swirling mathematics. You get that asshole spinning plates. He's got them on sticks all around.

Oh my God. Swirling mathematics. What an idiot. And then it goes from the big M on stage. The big M. And the M, of course, is for Masons. The M is for Maroon 5.

The M is for any word that starts with M. There's thousands of them. You can just It's for Morlock or thousands of them. You can just make it so many of them. It's for Morlock or mom, mutton

masturbation, which is all this is. It's for Morlock. The M is a three put sideways because it was a stylized tribalized M. It's a sigma. It's not really a three put sideways. Atlanta,

the Super Bowl took place on the third. Right. Outside are three pyramids. Right. Right. Well, if you look for

threes of things, you know, if you just pick threes out, then it's important. If you look for twos of things, you'll find that with lots of couples that you know,

for example. What if you look for ones of things? You'll be like, oh my God, there's ones everywhere. There's one. Where are we at here?

In the beginning, it opened up with three meteors coming down. Boom, boom, boom. So it's three. The M itself has three peaks on it. No, an M has two peaks.

I don't want to crush your dreams here, but an M has... Ah! That's a W, you stupid fuck! It doesn't a three peaks he's looking for a mountain he's like no which one is it it's like the one that looks like an M

oh the one with three peaks and they just slap no asshole the one with two peaks like an M the woman's got three boobs you know Oh, asshole. The one with two peaks. Oh, my God. Like an M. Oh, fuck. Oh, woman's got three boobs, you know. I watch Total Recall a lot. I watch it a lot.

Three was being highlighted, and three, of course, was the Blue Lodge of Masonry. Masonry, yeah. The Fellow Craft Mason and the Master Mason. So right off the bat, I'm seeing a lot of threes there.

And even some twos. I counted up, though. Rounded. Oh my god. Holy shit. Who would give a fuck? Oh my god. I love that these guys are earnestly head down wondering what kind of symbolism they can drag out.

But then I saw as the crowd, the kids, and they were kids, rushed the field. They usher him in there. They picked who's going to be in there. They were between the... Yeah, those are all actors. Two M's, right? It went like that. And they were between the two M's. Two M's, now there's six peaks.

So wait. Or four. Four to six peaks. But then we turned them upside down and they were W's. Those did have three and it was like a whole thing. It went up like fire and it burned and the whole stage

That's what fire does. That's what fire does. That's what fire's whole thing kind of is. Doesn't really have a use other than that. That's a defining feature. Yeah, exactly, right?

Burned. And the whole stage was doused in red. It was just this blood red color the whole time are you sure it wasn't maroon i mean i'm just saying i'm just saying like there's a couple things you're playing out you're like there's an m there's a red color i don't know maybe maybe the symbolism was they liked their band name. Can you imagine, Cecil, the shit he would shit if they got like Gwar to play the halftime show?

I would kill them. That would be the best thing ever. Could you imagine? The Gwar guy just drinks blood and just spits it on the audience. He's just jerking off this huge cock. Oh, God. That would be the greatest thing ever oh my god would be great if they did it and he was like too overt yeah i don't believe these

guys these guys are fakers a little on the nose okay a little on the nose i need to get gg allen out to do that do you remember remember that guy, Gigi Allen? Always the best. Gigi Allen was the dude. He would shit on stage and throw it at the audience. What? I wish I was kidding. I wish I was kidding.

Oh my God. Did I have to show? You look at your buddy, you're like, you're like, Jesus, this show stinks. It's not like shit. Oh God. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, this guy's fucking head would explode. And then there's a shot on TV where the kids' hands are going back and forth while he's singing, and they're blood-red in color because they had the blood-red lights coming up on those hands out of the blackness. And I'm thinking huh this is uh this is obviously we don't have time to bowl our rituals but i see an altar well okay so what what the fuck were they trying to do that like if it's a ritual because it certainly didn't save the game from being boring right like what the fuck were they wishing on like what the fuck could you possibly be doing well i mean obviously more wishes first of all

dumb question on earth could they possibly be doing with that ritual i mean i guess in their mind they would be like oh they're trying to influence people but like me i like as soon as they started singing i was looking at my phone and then I was like, oh, I could get a bowl of cereal. And then like I left, I just like, like the guy was singing and I come back and he's all tatted up and he's got his shirt off. And I was like, Jesus, this guy isn't done yet. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

There's a lot of people who heard this guy sing and I was like, Jesus, this is not good. And they did something else. They went to the bathroom. Like why, why do a ritual? If you're trying to influence people's minds, why do it when it's the best time for them to fill up their nachos? Right? Like, it's the best time for me to go and get a dipping sauce

for my buffalo tenders or whatever. Right. Do it. You know, why do a ritual then? Well, I guess I have literally no idea is my answer. Right. You're going to, they do a ritual then? Well, I guess I have literally no idea. That would be my answer. Right. They do a ritual, and then, all right, let's say it was successful.

Well, shouldn't I have seen some change? Like, all the things. Like, so nothing has changed that I didn't know any of these things were happening. Right, right, yeah. That's how so much nothing has changed. Yeah. I don't don't get what these and that's and this is something again this is again calling back to what we're just talking about with the other story where they're talking about the super bowl these big cultural events happen and they want to convince you that they're evil but like there there was no effect right there's nothing affected by it what's the effect

of this giant bloody ritual that he's talking about? What's the effect? Is it desensitizing a group of people? Because in order for them to be desensitized, they would have to recognize all this symbolism that you pointed to it, which nobody else recognized. Everybody else is just like, Maroon 5. Maybe we're all like hypnotized and don't know it.

Maybe we're going to be activated like the Manchurian candidate or some shit. God, I hope not, because then I'd have to hear a Maroon 5 song again. Here's another from episode 461. Hillbilly God ASMR, released on March 15th. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. Jim Baker says Trump has been spiritually saved so many times since becoming president. So many times.

Amazing. I got to say, I missed Jim Baker. I did too. It's been a long time. I did too. His weird little flesh colored or gray colored little microphone that sits like a fucking big wart on the side of his face. It looks like a fucking skin tumor.

It looks like a growth. I love it. Yeah. And then he's super orange and his beard is weird. And he's just a weird dude. He does have some natty suits, though. I like his suits. I will say the guy is a well-dressed dude.

He kills it. Except for when he wears that hat and he looks like such an old man with that hat on or a young rapper. Either one. All children, born and unborn, are made in the holy image of God. are made in the holy image of God. Do you realize what strength, and we call it guts, it takes to say what that man just said? Does that take guts in a nation that's 70% Christian?

In a world that's 50% Republican? Could you imagine? Like, what guts does it take? That's why the people clap. It wasn't like a controversial thing he said. The Republicans have been pro-life since there's been Republicans. That's not a surprising stance. What does a Republican have to say

about abortion? I don't know. It could go either way, said nobody ever. It's a coin flip with these Republicans. Has he said anything out loud? Who knows? He's Republican. We have no idea how Brett Kavanaugh's going to vote on the Supreme Court, do we? We don't have any idea.

You know, it's funny to me because he'll say, he says, it takes guts. It takes guts to say something like that. To try to, it's this rushing to be the victim. It's this, gotta run as fast as I can to show everybody how much of a victim I am. And how much courage it takes to say this stuff because it's against the majority opinion.

And you're like, no, it's not. It's really not. I mean, look at all the states that have laws that push the boundaries on Roe v. Wade all the time. There's plenty of states out there that push the boundaries on Roe v. Wade all the time. There's plenty of states out there that push the boundaries on that shit. How can you be in charge because you won a popularity contest and then claim to be unpopular? I know. Everybody got together and said,

we really, you know what, I choo-choo-choose you. Even though he didn't win the popular vote 65 million people show or 62 rather 62 65 65 was a different that was a different candidate that was what it should have won yeah uh numerically so but like 62 only numerically whatever yeah only if you're counting votes start doing that's crazy 62 million people all agree with you, and you're like, I know this is something you might not hear a lot. I'm probably 62 million people. Really?

It makes me feel like that sort of shit is like, well, you know, it's going to take some guts to stand in front of here as the most powerful person on the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What guts does it take? most powerful person on the country. What guts does it take? Presidents don't talk that way anymore because they have to.

They do every other time. Every other president, we go R, D, R, D, R. It's like they all talk that way. And hold on. I want to hear exactly what he said again because now I'm having a hard time remembering. Let me just play this little piece.

All children, born and unborn, are made in the holy image of God. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, you're right. It is a flip because if he's saying all children born and unborn, because now you're bringing that unborn factor in. Although there are Democrats who are not for abortion. You know what I mean?

Definitely pro-life Democrats out there, especially from some states where there's, you know, there's some question. There's definitely some Democrats out there that are not pro-choice. You're right though, but it flip-flops, right?

It's always, it's always a flip-flop. And if it's not him, it's somebody pretty high up there is going to be saying the exact same thing. Right. Whether or not you're sitting on the big, big, big high chair or the big big big high chair or

the big big high chair it doesn't matter like congress has been pretty split down the middle for a long time and the entire right side of the aisle is like yeah that's something we say all the time yeah that's a standard talking point say what that man just said presidents don't talk that way anymore because they have to appease everybody right no no they don't oh no they don't what are you talking about shit you could play a tape of the current nominee who was a nominee at the time talking about sexually assaulting someone and they like it when you do it yeah right and it doesn't matter so don't start telling me that you can't like give me a fucking break right now. Well, I mean, like, you just have to go back to the last Republican president.

Like, George W. Bush talked that way. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, George W. Bush was a born-again Christian who brought that Christian worldview into many, many, many of his speeches. He spoke like this all the time. Then after that, we had a different president who was a Democrat, who you're right, did not speak like that. Yeah. Then we got you guys back, and now you

speak like that. There's literally nothing surprising about this. It's just your turn to speak like this. Yeah, it's just your turn. But he wants to please God. Yes. Now here's one thing I'm going to say about the president. He's not perfect. None of us are perfect.

I love how they have to couch this shit so much. They have to be like, he's not. Don't get crazy. He's not perfect. And as soon as I say he's not perfect, that allows me to dismiss all of his many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many flaws. Many flaws. Yeah. And then his many, many, many, many, many, many, many peccadilloes.

Like, he's the worst. They can't even talk about him without addressing how bad he is sideways. I know. It's every time, too. It's like, can you imagine if you were like, here's my wife. Now she's's you know not quite perfect you know like you don't do that yeah nobody does that yeah unless you're like i'm kind of embarrassed to be seen with you right right you don't say like oh gosh yeah she's uh

her hair is real stringy right you know i mean like everybody drinks sometimes so like okay she is a bit gassy she doesn't digest well so look sweet as can be we keep the feedback on so she doesn't get her hands dirty it's fine it's I mean, for fuck's sake, like you don't say mean shit. I would never say that about somebody's wife while they were standing there. No, not that size.

Take a swing at it. Not get it next Tuesday. But he is being taught and mentored and prayed with more than probably any president in the history of the United States. I'm sorry, but I love too that he's always this work in progress.

I know. He's like, and he prays this guy as being shitty, but getting better. Yeah, he's always getting better. He's like, got the two-week coin from AA. He's like, he's off the boots. Off the boots for two weeks.

He's doing real good, man. How was he in bed? I'm just awful. Yeah, really. But I think, but he could get a little bit.

Okay. He stopped. He stopped. I stopped him. I smacked him on the head while he was humming, while he was eating. He was singing his words. He was singing the ABCs while he did it.

It's so funny. Like these guys are the sycophants and even the sycophants are like, okay, he's really bad. Oh my God. Although I got to say though, of the people to sing this song, this is exactly his song, right? So like

everybody has problems once in a while. You know, might embezzle some money or something. You know, like this is the perfect guy to say some shit like this. United States of America. When he flies, he has

pastors with him. When he's in the White House, he has pastors with him. You know's in the White House, he has pastors with him. You know what you should just do is just train them to be a secret service. You should just have a big chunky-ass pastor as a secret service. It'd be great because that's a great bullet sheet. You know what I mean? Like, if they jump, the problem is the leap is tough, but the no, when they get in front of you, like, they could have like an AK be like, Dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga-dugga.

You're fine, man. I have three clips of that behind this mountain. I'm good. I was thinking the same thing. It's like,

he's got these passes like, oh, yeah, he's because he's using you. Yeah. Like,

yeah. And you're too stupid like to recognize your complicity or you're just happy to be used, you human condom. Are you kidding me? You're just a to be used, you human condom. Are you kidding me?

You're just a fucking walking reservoir tip. I personally know people who have led him to Christ. Wait. He didn't do it personally? No, he didn't. I personally have a girlfriend in Niagara Falls

who once prayed with him. I love too that they're just like, they led him to Christ. Like he's like some sort of horse. Like he's an obstinate bro. You can lead a Christ to water, but you can't make him crucify. You know what I mean, guys?

Been saved so many times. I love it. That, I'll tell you what, if it counts, he's got more numbers than anybody I know of. That is a religious thing. That is something that's going to wash over us, guaranteed.

Okay. That is, because I can't, I have no idea what that means, and I don't think it's a misspeak. I think that's one of those religious inside jokes that non-religious people wouldn't know. Oh, really? I think so, and I will ask the audience, if you're religious, jokes that non-religious people wouldn't know. Oh, really? I think so. And I will ask the audience, if you're religious, if that means anything to you, he has more

numbers than anyone. I literally don't know what that means, other than it sounds asinine or it sounds like he's having a stroke. If it does... Blood pressure? But I do think that this is one of those things that, like, this will always wash over us because we're not religious. I was just going to say,

the only number I know that he has more than me is his cholesterol. Yeah. Right? His weight. Right. Yeah.

Should you have to, this is a question too to our religious people. Like, do you have to get saved more than once? Like how fucking bad does it have to be

that your saving didn't take? Right? Where you're like, well, I'm going to need another one of those. Yeah. I mean, it was like Saturday was weird. Is it like sanding plaster off a wall? Like it needs to be done a couple of times to make sure it's smooth.

Like are we down to the wood grain? Yeah, exactly. You're changing the grit of the paper. You're just like, no, it's just not working. The pastor's like, save him. Oh God. He's still him. Save him again. No. Just wash him working. The pastor's like, save him. Oh, God, he's still him. Save him again.

No. Just wash him off. They keep on dipping him in water. Yeah. He's displacing all the Holy Spirit everywhere. Look at that. And I'm serious. I'm serious.

And I could name the people who prayed with him. Yeah. But I won't because that keeps the mystery alive. Hey, look, it's one of the divine mysteries. You'll never get to know these things. Honors God. He lets the preachers come in and lay hands on him. In the Oval Office.

That's right. And they... I love that lady so much. Where he hot? I love that lady. She's the best. They just touched him there. Oh, she is the best. Show me in the Oval Office where the preachers touched you.

Show me where you fisted the Oval Office. Dude, you do not know James Robinson like I know James Robinson. He doesn't stop. He won't stop. What if James Robinson was watching this show? Would he be insulted by that comment? Like, I know, actually, you know me pretty fucking well. Sometimes you'll finish my sentences for me oh no that's a fair statement oh yeah like your wife

he has no fear right and so and he is one he's like a pit bull he's like a human pit bull doesn't have any he's like a human crocodile fear and he opens his mouth up really wide when he eats He's like I feel like anybody without fear is a fucking idiot It's like, oh, he's got no fear Alright, what, is he a marine? All the time

The marines are going to kick my ass One day, Tom You're going to run into the wrong marine That's for sure And he is one of them that led the president to the Lord Jesus Christ. He's one of them. But he's just one of them. But they were leading him and guiding him and preparing him, nurturing him through it all.

And so, can I ask a question? So all this work needed to be done. Yeah. He wasn't the perfect candidate initially. Well, it doesn't even sound like he was Christian. They all had to make him Christian. It doesn't even sound like he was close. Well, why'd they vote for him before he was Christian?

Why did the Christians get behind the guy that's like, well, maybe he'll be Christian later. Let's give it hell. Exactly. It's like buying the, these guys are buying the worst house on the block and fixing it up. And that's not how you go about presidencies, right? That's how you flip houses.

That's not how you go about presidencies at all. What's that show like? Flip it or keep it or whatever? Yeah, love it or leave it. Yeah, leave it, leave it, leave it. Love it or flip it or whatever. I don't know. Flip it or fuck it.

Flip it over and fuck it. It's one of those things. There is a Daniels company, and it's so big. This is probably one of the basic reasons why there's miracles coming out of the White House. And why there's a miracle in America. He says miracle. He's going to say miracle what? Miracle in America?

I think there's America in America, but not a miracle in America. I think he's mispronouncing. Is he saying a miracle and he's thinking he's saying America like when people say warsh? Is it like a mispronunciation? What if there was like a miracle miracle in America? You got to hold your tongue while you say that. Yeah, it should

be a great encouragement. And that's why the world hates him. It should be a great encouragement to those who are pregnant. It should be a great encouragement. This guy's job is to just bring the room down. It should be a great encouragement to everyone. That was his thing? With his teeth and his face? He speaks like a bulldog

chewing on peanut butter. He sounds like when you put dubstep and you turn down all the treble. I love too that like Jim Bakker's all like, What did you just wake him up? Miracle in America. Yeah, it should be a great encouragement.

And that's why the world hates him, right? Yes. They hate him. Yes. The church needs to rise up. The Daniel Company, I believe that's the success of Donald Trump, is going to be credited to the intercessors, to the prophets, to this Daniel Company. And again, it's in every sphere of society. I really believe God is breathing on. He pronounces everything weird. He really does. It's in every sphere of society. He's going to rip his face off and be a fucking David Icke lizard person. Guaranteed.

Guaranteed. I'm watching the end of V right now. He sounds like a translator, you know? Sphere of society. I really believe God is breathing on Mike Pence. I was watching. Ew, what? Hey, I like breathing on him

while I'm rubbing one hand. That's what I do. I just get up all close up on him. Like, you like this, Mike Pence? Do you like this? Do you like it when I touch myself? Heath is busy masturbating to fucking ASMR God like breathing out I touch myself. Heath is busy masturbating the fucking ASMR God

like breathing out of my head. ASMR Hillbilly God. Do you like this guy? Do you like it when I touch you? Do you like it when I touch you? ASMR God. Hold on, I gotta let my own oh it's amazing she's beautiful

i love people who look like villains from a bond you gotta burn them bush he does look like a blonde bond villain though, doesn't he? Mike Pence? Yeah, like white finger or something. Mike Pence always looks like bored and surprised at the same time. I said finger. He's not going to finger anybody. Who am I kidding? Mother, come over here.

Mother, get yourself wet for me. Go in the bathroom and do your thing. Come out. Dirty, sinful thing you do in there. Watching him closely at the State of the Union address, I even believe that there's a possibility that Donald Trump is paving the way for an even more conservative 2024 Mike Pence run. Wow. I would not. Oh, my.

Yeah, I think he's paving the way for Mike Pence in the sense that he may be impeached. Yeah. That's the best way to do it. He's landing this fucking plane. That's what he's doing. I love too that they're so excited about the current president that they're like, and maybe we'll get somebody else later, guys. Maybe we'll get another person who we don't have to pray over

constantly because he sucks. What? person who we don't have to pray over constantly because he sucks i got five years so i can take a vacation five years oh how many times do we have to save you saving you every hour on the hour mike pence a mike pence presidency is a fucking nightmare though no that's not that's not a world that's a nightmare that's yeah i'm checking out too well no i mean i will all die that's fine i'm just gonna go hopefully they didn't put that wall up so i could scale that fucker to get to mexico i'm not living in the republic of gilead like that's not gonna fucking happen no uh no we aren't doing that terrifying i'd be surprised if

god gave us a trumpet and then a double trumpet in 2000. You can't even do a double trumpet in Indiana because of Mike Pence. What are you kidding me? You're not allowed to do that there anymore. That's like on the books. No double trumpets. Put your trumpets away. Are you kidding me? 24. Wow. There's things that I've been sensing inside of me. inside of me. I've been sensing that I'm very hungry too. He's so weird. He's such a sensing

inside of me. This guy's like, I love this guy. I can sense you inside of me. Such a weird story. I'm not weird, you're weird. The whole thing is weird, dude. Holy shit. This clip comes from The whole thing is weird, dude. Holy shit. This clip comes from episode 465, Purple Rain, released on April 15th.

Cecil. Yeah. Nope. I was just going to ask if you finally got rid of that windmill cancer or if you still have it. Yeah, you know, I like it is the thing. Like, I like the windmill cancer. Like, it just kind of rotates around, finds the right home. It actually powers me. Yeah. the windmill cancer. It just kind of rotates around, finds the right home. It actually powers

me. Mine's in transmission. That's terrible. How long have you been holding that one? I just thought of it. I don't know if I bought it. No, I did. Because it's terrible, so it's not good. I didn't think of it ahead of time. With those windmills, the nice thing about them is you can outfit the top of the windmill with a

5G or even 6G cell phone tower. Look, can we just go up to infinite Gs? Hey, I'll tell you what. 100 Gs. 100 Gs. I'm very rich. 100 Gs means nothing to me. I don't even care about 100 Gs. What is a G again?

Can we talk about what a G is? You know our president's a fucking buffoon. Oh, it's so sad. No collusion, so there's a fucking buffoon. Oh, it's so sad. He's a, but you know, no collusion. So there's that. Well, I mean, redactions though. Lots of, possibly. We don't know still.

About the redaction situation. He met with the Congress, didn't he? Barr? Barr? Yeah. I know they called him to testify. I don't know if he has testified yet. I don't think any public testimony has been released.

Yeah, no public testimony then. Because that would be all over if he has testified yet. I don't think any public testimony has been released. Yeah, no public testimony then. Because that would be all over if it was. Yeah, I mean, I believe the redactions, like they had to get a new shipment of Sharpies. Yeah. Because they kept, the thing is like everybody's getting high. Like the amount of redaction fucking contact high.

There's like one guy in the back like huffing whiteout. He's just huffing the completed report. Are you kidding me? He fans the pages in front of his fucking nose and he's fucking seeing pink elephants. These pages are stuck together with white stuff. Why is that? I find them exciting. I thought this was a Ken Starr

report. I thought it was a Ken Starr report. I used to know a guy when I was in high school. Please tell me he jerked off to the Ken Starr report. He used to come up to when I was in high school. Please tell me he jerked off to the Ken Starr report. He didn't. He used to come up to me and he'd be like, he was a super stoner. Like, he was fucking Spicoli from past times at

Ridgemont High. And he'd come up to me and he'd be like, Cecil, man. Cecil. And I'd be like, hey, buddy, what's up? And I literally don't even remember his name. I just tried to think of it. I tried to think of it on the fly. I was like, what was that guy's name? I don't remember. Can I guess?

Uh, wasn't buddy. Yeah, it could have been champ. Tiger. Maybe tiger. I don't know. Big guy.

Sport. Wastoid. He'd come up to me and he'd be like, Hey man, feel my hands. And I'd be like, what? And he's like,

my hands are so cold, man. I've been huffing white out. And I'd be like, what? And he's like, my hands are so cold, man. I've been huffing whiteout all hour. He's probably dead now. He's just sitting with a bag of whiteout and huffing in class.

He just huffed whiteout in class. I went to a really selective school. You know, that guy's just taking shots so he could smell the glue. You catch him later he's doing shots of whiteout. Like, oh my God.

I love guys like that because like the whole purpose at a young age of getting high is to tell everybody that you have gotten high. That's exactly it.

That's the reason you get high or drunk when you're young. You're like, I have drank so many drinks of drinking. Do you see the beverage? Look, what I did is I didn't throw any of them away so I could show you.

Yeah, right. Over here, my cascade of alcoholism. Isn't that so true? Like when you go to like the college dorm and there's like a whole wall of beer cans. It's like, guys, I drink too, guys. It's like you might as well have a wall of panties too. These are the things I'm bragging about. Uh-huh.

Let me know in 10 years how you feel about bragging about this. I'm going to guess. Not so good. Tell me how the cirrhosis is. Right. I fucking love that shit. Like, I'm so high.

I got high to tell you about how high I got. Oh my God. What you got was boring. What you got was fucking boring. Yeah, but feel my hands though. Yeah. Oh, look. Parts of my body don't work good anymore.

I know, right? Like, isn't that amazing? This can't be good. Yeah, right? Feel my heart. It's stuck. Oh, fuck. We've pulled this piece from episode 476,

Non-Concentration Camps, released on July 1stst the story's also from right wing watch this is big league politics patrick howley says i'm trying to get the face slap on on the mic so we could just be like it's my me slap my own face like yeah that sounded good actually do it again no i'm okay wait's going to wonder why I have a marker. I know she won't. Big League Politics, Patrick Howley says, it's very clear that Hillary Clinton is a Satanist.

Hillary Clinton, by the way, in case you were wondering, not the president. Also, why are we still talking about this? Is Hillary running this time? Was she in the far, far back of all the debates? Being like, hang on. Okay, so Patrick Howley has got Ann VanderSteel. I think he's on the Steel Truth.

The Steel Truth? What does that mean? Steel. This truth is metallic. I will say she has the fucking most fucking butch fucking logo I've ever seen in my entire life. There is a religion called Satanism. And that religion, which practices witchcraft. Isn't that Wiccan?

I don't know. I love these guys. They're like, okay, so Satanism practices witchcraft. Witches practice Satanism, practice witchcraft. Fuck! Oh, I'm stuck in a circle! I'm stuck in another circle! No, wait, it's a pentagram.

I'm stuck in a pentagram. Oh, God, I can't get out. Someone pour chalk around me. I love these guys, too, because when they're talking about... First off, they have this idea that there's a Satanism, right? And the Satanism isn't just, we're going to build a big dumb statue to make you feel stupid. It's not that Satanism. It's like, we really genuinely worship the devil and we're going to be like, I'm going to fucking sacrifice a fucking goat or whatever you're going to do.

It leaves, due to the teachings of Aleister Crowley, that their spells and their summoning of demons... A couple weeks, maybe three weeks in Citation Data, we're going to be doing Alistair Crowley. It's going to be good. Yeah, a couple, three. We haven't recorded it yet, so... From hell is enhanced by child molestation and child sacrifice and human sacrifice,

but especially of children. And that is a fact. Yeah. Wait, child sacrifice. That's especially of children. I mean, can it be a tween sacrifice?

The spells are enhanced. Like, is it required? Like, how do you enhance getting a demon? I don't know. You get like a bigger one. He's like,

shows up. He's kissing his muscles which way to the gun show you just get like some fucking puss ass demon because you didn't

fuck a kid demon shows up and it's like all like weak and she's like it's like a Ted Cruz demon I do your bidding

it's not as warm up here do you have a wrap? I brought some fleece slippers for me to put my... I'll make your bed. That's about all I can do. I'm just like a bed demon. I'm a little parched.

If you bring me some water, I'll wet their bed for them. It's like an annoyance demon. It just makes your glass of water a little warm. It's just like every time you cough, you get like that, like dust to tickle in the back of your throat.

You're like, oh, fuck. Oh, I summoned an annoyance. That was me. I hate that. It just takes so long to go away. I feel like it makes the inside of your car, your car windows fog up when you drive. So you can't get them on.

And then he makes the outside fog up at the same time. So your diff rosters don't work and you got to keep your wipers running on a like summer night in the middle of fucking Chicago. Cause Chicago can't figure out what temperature it is. He makes sure like a really big person sits next to you on the airplane. It's like, oh God, international and everything. He sets your thermostat so it goes up four degrees

after you go to sleep and you wake up with the covers on the ground and be like, why is it so hot in here? That was me. He's like the whammy from like, the whammy from like the whammy from look it's like

it's just a little annoying just god it's just a little annoying like run out of paper like one page from printing that document just like oh get your fucking

one page could have set this whole thing to print on both sides I didn't even know close the passport office five minutes early everything's here's another

from episode 482, Uplifting Tragedies, released on August 12th. Tom, you explained lunch debts to me earlier because I didn't understand what they were. What is a lunch debt? So I guess when you go buy lunch at school now, you don't bring money, you just have an account. So when we were kids,

mom and dad used to have to give us money every day. Or you were on, and this was for me for me I was on the program that was that was the free program so I was on the one that the school provided

so I know that there was other people I was on that too you got a ticket I remember you got to the lunch office and you got five tickets for that week and those were your five lunch I also went to a school where there was an a la carte line I remember you got to the lunch office and you got five tickets for that week and those are your five lunch. Those are your five tickets, yeah. I also went to a school where there was an a la carte line where you could just go buy whatever you wanted.

Right. And there was, you know, you could spend whatever you wanted on lunch every day. And there was an a la carte line where you would walk through and pay for things. And, you know, they had pizza in there and other stuff. When you were on the meal line, like the one that was a free line,

you didn't get anything except for what was the main meal of the day. And when I was a very young kid, for all of elementary and middle school for me, I went to a school that did not have hot lunches. So everyone had to bring their own lunch to school. And so I used to get a bagged lunch every day from the school.

I would walk in and just get them. They would give me a bagged lunch. And I genuinely would only eat the cookie. Like I would throw the rest of it away. Because it was all like summer sausage and stuff I didn't like. And they put a bunch of goop on the sandwich, on the stuff.

And I'd be like, I don't want it. I would give it away. Everybody, every day, I would give it away to another poor kid. I would be like, I'd come to the table and they'd be like, hey, you can eat your sandwich. Nope. Here you go, kid. And so I'd eat the cookie and I'd drink the milk and I'd maybe eat the apple if there was an apple in there. And that was what I do every single day. Always a red delicious apple. And that's the worst apple. That's the most

egregious apple. Can we have a quick talk about apples? Yes, absolutely. Can we digress into apples? Let's digress into apples. I'm sure the audience wants us to digress at this point. Who the fuck wants a red deli? Nobody. What fucking dire circumstances have caused anybody? Thick skinned, right? So they're thick skinned that when you bite into them, you tear your gums up. That's number one. Two, the skin is bitter. Like the skin is actually kind of bitter on those apples. The inside is mealy and unappealing and not sweet or tart somehow. It's just like a water food.

It's like eating a saran wrapped water chestnut. It's a useless food. It's like there's no reason to ever put one in your mouth and they're uncookable too. You could use it. What are they for? They're for throwing at people or bobbing. Those are your two options. You could bob for it or throw it at someone.

I don't understand why that's always the shitty apple that you give away. Because nobody I've ever met buys that themselves. No. There's so many great apples. Apples are an amazing fruit with dozens and dozens of amazing varieties. And it's like, oh, okay, cool. And an apple. Fuck. It's this goddamn fucking leather wrapped thing.

I won't even eat them anymore. Like if it's turning out, I can know that I will not eat that. I'm sorry. That's not a food. Somebody was telling me once like, oh, but if you get them and they're like perfect and they're fresh.

No, they're not. Get the fuck out of here. You're a fucking liar. They have the word. You're with the apple lobby, but if you get them and they're like perfect and they're fresh. No, they're not. Get the fuck out of here. You're a fucking liar. You're with the Apple lobby, aren't you? You're with Big Red. Big Delicious. That's horrible. What's your favorite apple?

My favorite apple is a toss-up between I got three. Gala, Braeburn, Pink Lady. Apple is a toss-up between... I got three. All right. Gala, Braeburn, Pink Lady. I think those are really solid apples. Fiji's good too. Fiji Apple.

Yeah, but you know, Fijis can sometimes be mealy. It's not great. The hit or miss quality of the Fiji is like, what if it's miss? Braeburn's an excellent apple. Yeah. I like the Pink Lady.

The Pink Grips is also good. Pink Lady's an excellent apple. Yeah, I like the Pink Lady. The Pink Grips is also good. Pink Lady's an excellent apple. Jazz apples are fucking money in the bank. I like Jazz apples. Jazz, I'll have to look it up. I don't know that I've had one. That's a fucking solid apple. Yeah.

And I'm right there with the Gala, man. The Gala's a terrific apple. It's an excellent apple. That's a great apple. And it looks similar to a Red Delicious. It just happens to taste delicious. It's just delicious. It's just a red delicious. It just happens to taste delicious. It's just delicious. It's just a good apple.

When it comes to, I'm not really a big green apple guy. It's not for me. Like for eating? I'm talking about eating apples, not faking apples right now. Don't get me wrong. If you take one of those

and you dip it in caramel and then nuts and make an afi-tap a lot of it, I will fuck that thing. Are you kidding me? This clip comes from episode 486, Shadesoul, released on September 9th. This is more of a Pence thing.

Pence stayed at his estate like three hours away from all the appointments and things that he had to do. And he flew to those appointments in a clear money grab for Trump for the estate thing that he was doing. I got to talk about that one. Like what I love about that story

is that like one hotel reservation mattered that much. Yeah, right. Like you own this chain of hotels. I know. International hotels, you're like, all right,

I'm, I'm, I'm, it's end of the month. I'm near my quota. Yeah. I'm going to need to fill that uh double occupancy king room like you can bring mother or whatever it's not just that it's like

his whole staff too right there right and it's like it's it's not just one room it's it's dozens of rooms that are being filled at a very expensive hotel this isn't a cheap hotel this isn't like this isn't the budget in. No, this is a Trump property. They're expensive. It's a five star hotel with bedbugs. It's a, it's a five.

Yeah, his hotels, there's been a lot of stuff coming out about it. Supposedly, yeah. Yeah, supposedly gross.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bedbugs, like sewage in the pool and like all this like, Jesus Christ. Nasty shit.

How disgusting would that be? You dive in and you get a baby Ruth in your mouth. It's like, that's not a baby Ruth. Like, this isn't the Chicago River. Disgusting. God, that would be so bad. I mean, you already pee in the pool. So it's not, I mean, there's already like number one in there.

It's just, there's number two in there. It's bad. Do you ever, you ever been at the pool and somebody shat in the pool? No. So my dad and I went on this fishing trip. Yeah no so my dad and i went on this fishing trip yeah so my dad and i went on this fishing trip and like we so we drove up to canada and we broke the trip up into two pieces right and so you know it's a long drive and like my dad's an older guy and so we wanted to like find a hotel they had a pool with like hot tubs you could like sit and soak his bones or whatever. And so like we go and there's a pool

and I jump in the pool first. My dad's over in the hot tub. And then all of a sudden I look up and everybody is like piecing out of the pool. And like some kid like deuced the pool. And I was just like, oh, I'm still in the pool. It's like a fucking panic in the disco moment. You're just like, oh, my God. You're like banging on the side, trying to get out. You can't get out. And the turd's slowly floating towards you.

And you're like, oh, God! Oh, God! Get the chopper! Call the chopper! And it's making the jaws sound the da-da-da-da-da-da-da... It happened at another public pool. This was at a hotel.

Oh, Jesus. It's just like, well, now, okay. Fucking that's foul as shit. Literally. Yeah, yeah. And then it happened at like a great big public pool. And the same thing. Like everybody's got to get out.

Somebody deuced the pool, huh? And they got to like drain it and like nuke it from orbit or whatever they have to do. Because trunks are tight, right? Like they normally have like a little thing in between, like a mesh that sort of attaches to you. So I wonder if that like cheese grates the poo. It's like through cheese cloth. It's like strained out. It's like a crescent moon.

It comes out. It's like spatsel. It's pressed through like spatsel. Shatel. This stuff has its own demi-glace. Look at that. It's like that old

dog commercial with the gravy where you put the thing in there, the dry food, and you pour the water over it. What was that called? Gravy train. Gravy train.

Gravy train. I remember those commercials where the dog would chase around the little animated... That's what was in your pool was the gravy train. And somebody just added water. It was seeping out. I swear to God, if that was one of my kids I'd just be like cool toss the kid in the pool

and leave you just throw the kid into the suction part for the pink he's in the filter now whatever I don't care that's not mine anymore you shit the pool

I disowned it I'm out I disowned it this one comes from episode 490 Snake News released on October 7th Christian school principal

sends newsletter saying Greta Thunberg has mental problems. I love this part. This is why I included this story. Accuses her of promoting Doomsday Waffle Talk. Doomsday Waffle Talk sounds kind of amazing, to be honest.

That's the best band name ever. We are Doomsday Waffle Talk. I would see that band every day. Every day I would see Doomsday waffle talk like i would see that band every day every day i would see doomsday waffle talk yeah there's an ihop joke in here somewhere i don't know where it is but there's an ihop joke in there somewhere i like i just imagine like like the end of like ghostbusters where you're like i try to think of something i thought a waffle i thought of i thought of a doomsday waffle there's just like a waffle. Or it's just a waffle with like really thin arms and legs.

And it's just dancing, you know. I can't support my own weight. I'm falling over. It just hits a building and just kind of leans. Somebody help me. It's crying syrup. Help me. I can't move.

Oh, man. We need to redo it. You know what I love about this too is like, like all the fucking religious people right now, Tom, all the crazy evangelicals are just like, you can't talk about doomsday. I talk about doomsday. You can't do it. We do it every week in the pews. You're not allowed. It's not your doomsday. It's my doomsday.

Because like this guy says, I think what you're getting at, it says like my life experience has taught me that the doomsday. It's my doomsday. Because like this guy says, I think what you're getting at, it says like, my life experience has taught me that the doomsday predictors are just attention getters. Yeah. Okay. Jim Baker.

Right. Yeah. Okay. The book of revelation. Yeah. No kidding. Well, it's in your thing.

One 16th of your book or whatever. Yeah. Here's one from episode 495. Fat Beats. Released on November 495. Fat Beats, released on November 4th. This story I just grabbed because I love this story. This is amazing. It only barely fits the show, but it's so

fucking great. This is from people.com. I love this so much. Man wearing Jesus saves bib collapses during race is given CPR by a man named Jesus saves bib collapses during race is given CPR by a man by a man named

Jesus Jesus yes I love it guys running a 10 mile race this is exactly what it sounds like guys running a 10 mile race has a fucking cardiac event

he's wearing the Jesus saves bib and some dude named Jesus rolls up and saves him and it's gonna make it's so good. It's so good. It reminds me of the meme where

it's like, everybody thank Jesus for the food and it's one guy in a field. He's like, you're welcome. It's the guy, like, he's like one Mexican guy in a field, like, gracias, or de nada, or something. So fucking awesome.

It's irony week in the news, though. Did you happen to see the story this week where, and this, again, it's only tangentially related to this show, but like on the MTA in New York, somebody saw a suspicious package and they called in the suspicious package and the suspicious package turned out

to be a suspicious package detector. I'm totally not kidding. I totally agree. That's amazing. They had like this, they had this thing that was there to like help people better report

suspicious packages. They mislabeled it and some fucking goober left it on the train before installing it. That's amazing. So somebody saw it and was like,

well, that's suspicious. Called it in. It's so great. This is so great. It's so great. This is, some days it's a good time one. some days it's a good time one. Some days it's a good time one.

Unlike, unlike Jesus though. Yeah. This guy. Is real. Well, is real. And also doesn't like,

doesn't take all the credit for himself. Like he's like, oh no, there's a bunch of people there. Right. Right. Right. I did,

you know, I did a little bit, but I didn't do it all. You know, I didn't fucking like, you know, and so it's, it was a nice, like to. Right, right, right. I did, you know, I did a little bit, but I didn't do it all. You know, I didn't fucking like, you know. And so it was a nice, like to hear the way he talked was like really refreshing.

He was just like, like, no, I just saw somebody down. I, you know, I'm a nurse. I ran over. I immediately flipped him over. The guy's heart stopped for like 10 seconds. And I guess, you know, if you want an authority on something being beating,

then Jesus is a perfect authority for that. Well, thank you everybody for listening to this 2019 year in review. Thank you for sharing and subscribing and becoming patrons and supporting us and watching the live streams that are going to be on thursdays in 2020 um here's to a bright and successful 2020 for everyone um i guess every year we kind of say hopefully it's better than the last year but this year

it's going to be even bester well we're going to leave you as always with this skeptic screen credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliensens Churches Mosques Synagogues Temples

Dragons Giant worms Atlantis Dolphins Truthers Birthers Witches Wizards

Vaccine nuts Shaman healers Evangelists Conspiracy Double speak Stigmata Nonsense Expose your sides

Thrust your hands Bloody Evidential Conclusive Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption.

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