Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 505: Vulgarity for Charity 2019: Part 4

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

Stories from the Week   Although the Vulgarity for Charity donation goal has been met and please consider donating to

Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence.

To any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. Here's the big fucking deal right now, Cecil. What's that? We are recording. It is the goddamn second day

of 2020. Yeah. The countdown is on. We will get hurt in November. Let's feel the feelings. I thought you were going to be like, pot is now legal. That is true. Pot is legal. That's Field of Feelings. I thought you were going to be like, pot is now legal. That is true.

Pot is legal. That is true. Pot is legal. I read a whole bunch of articles about like, so they legalized recreational in Illinois where we're at. And, you know, it's Illinois, so we don't get anything right. You know, we don't do anything very efficiently. But I will commend this effort to some degree.

They did a couple of things I think are really cool. So they legalized recreational marijuana. So, you know, huzzah. Prohibition, I think, is a stupid system for marijuana. So like, fine. But they are also pardoning and commuting. They're pardoning and then expunging records. I saw it.

It was like 2,200 people or something like that. 11,000. Oh, it was more than that. Okay, so I order a magnitude more. Okay. It's a huge, huge number of pardons that are being issued, effective I think yesterday or today,

by the governor. And then prior criminal records are all being expunged. That's a fucking progressive policy. You know what I mean? Like just removing the prohibition without, and then also keeping people's prior. Sure, yeah, yeah.

You're not acknowledging the elephant in the room when you don't do the second part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like if you're saying like it's okay that it's legal now, there isn't a moral issue attached to it. There is not a societal harm attached to it that's worth getting fucking worked up about. Then you have to take step two, which is like to let people the fuck out. Yeah, yeah. And then to expunge the record of people who've been hurt by these policies. For sure. And that, I don't like to give Illinois a lot fuck out. Yeah. And like, and then to expunge the record of people who've been hurt by these policies.

And that I don't like to give Illinois a lot of credit. Yeah. Cause we don't deserve. Definitely don't want to give Pritzker any credit, but yeah, I think this is a good thing. Good policy. I think it's a good policy.

I saw a couple of Facebook posts that you and I went out on New Year's Eve. Yes, we did. And then we got, you, you left my house like two-ish. Yeah.

I read Facebook posts that about 245 people were lining up at the dispensaries for the morning. Oh, yeah. It's Green Friday or whatever. Yeah, whatever. It's like Green Wednesday. Yeah, they were ready to start the,

they were ready to fucking wake and bake and then just go and like watch fucking New Year's Day football or whatever. I don't even know. I got half-baked on my TV all loaded up. Some dude is like saving all the episodes of the

Mandalorian or whatever just so he can fucking get super toasty and watch something on TV. Hey, you know what? I also read some interesting articles that like a lot of the dispensary businesses, the recreational dispensary businesses anticipating this big, you know,

crazy Black Friday-esque lines and everything. They were partnering, interestingly, with a bunch of like other local businesses. So they were like coffee shops that were nearby.

They were like, well, fuck it. We're opening in the middle of the night too. And like people can wait and like have their pagers. Oh, yeah. Because they can't open until 6 a.m. by law were like, well, fuck it, we're opening in the middle of the night too. And like, people can wait and like have their pagers. Ah, yeah. You know,

because they can't open until 6 a.m. by law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're going to like wait and have their pagers and then like have menus at the Bud place like sitting at the coffee shop

nearby. And there's a ton of local businesses that are partnering with dispensaries. That's really clever. That's like what we should have. Right, right.

You know, like that's a good thing. I'm excited about, like I'm not even a. That's a good thing. I'm excited about. Yeah. Like, I'm not even a pot smoker. Me either. Me either. I'm excited about this.

I'm excited about the tax revenue. Yeah. I'm excited about like, not like watching our infrastructure crumble in front of us. Sure. Like fucking shitty shake weed. I'm happy.

I'm happy that it's happening. I stopped smoking pot. Last time I had, last time I smoked any was maybe three years ago four years ago and my brain

just from when I was a kid till now has changed a lot and when I was a kid I fucking loved it I was like

I smoked a lot I smoked a lot when I was a kid until I was in college like until I went to, I, I smoked a lot of, I smoked a lot when I was a kid, um, until I was, uh, in college, like until I went to college, that's, I smoked a lot. And, uh, after a while I got bored of it. I didn't really want to do it. I would only do it if it was like really, really, really good weed. Um, and one time my buddy got nugs from, uh, from the grateful dead concert. And that was, that was a one hitter. And you would just be like, I'm melting into this.

head concert. And that was, that was a one hitter. And you would just be like, I'm melting into this sofa. It was amazing. But, uh, but the last time I did it, like I felt all paranoid and weird. And I was like, I did not enjoy it at all. Like I was like, it was like the least favorite thing I've done in a long time. I was really on, it was an unpleasant evening. And I was just like, that's not happening again. I'm just like done with that. And everybody's like, no, you need to try something. Like, no, I need to not do it. That's what I need. And here's the thing. I don't care that other people do it.

I just did not have a good experience on it. And I was like, I'm kind of done. And I, it's funny. Cause I tried it a couple of times after like lightly to try. And my, my brain at this point is just like,

you can't do that anymore. And I'm just like, I can't do that anymore. You know what else? I can't, I can't jump off the swing at full height. Exactly. Right.

Yeah. Like so many things. My body's just like, no, you can't do that anymore. You know what else? I can't jump off the swing at full height. Exactly. Right? Yeah. So many things. My body's just like, no. You can't do that anymore. Don't do it anymore. Have you tried edibles? I've never had edibles, but I've been around people in edibles and they always are. This is how it goes. Yep. Too little,

too little, too little. I am melting. I watched it. There's a documentary series on Netflix called Rotten and it basically tells you why you should feel guilty about everything you do always. Nice. It really does. Great.

You're just like, I love you. And it's just like, here's my love is stupid. You're like, oh. It just feels so bad. There's nothing you can buy. There's no decision you can make that isn't just destroying everything. But it's like, yeah, you're right. I just don't know what to do about it.

But anyway, one of the things they were talking about was edibles. And it was funny because even on this documentary, they had the same conversation. It was like, everybody has a story about edibles going terribly awry. And it's exactly what you described. It's like, all right, I just tried some edibles, and then I waited 45 minutes, didn't feel anything, so I tried a bowl full of edibles.

Just like, I don't know math or my name. I'm high for seven days. You're scared of the mailman. You're hiding in the dark. So you can have like a THC. That's the best Bob Dylan song I've ever heard. I love that Bob Dylan song. Oh, it's so good.

When I was in Colorado a few years ago. Hadden from the mailman. Get my chair, my chair, don't get me. This is poetry, if you say it is, but it's not. I'm sorry, go ahead. No, it's just, I've tried edibles like three times. It has been the most uniformly awful experience. Like that paranoia,

like ramped up to a level that I simply cannot control. I don't want that. I couldn't under, like when I was in Colorado, I did like three of those gummy bears at the advice of a good friend who like smokes a lot

and I don't smoke ever. And like, I had three gummy bears. And like, by the time the third one kicked in, I seriously was afraid of money. Like I did like the pizza man came and I gave him hundreds of dollars. Cause I couldn't remember how money worked. I was just like, I don't know if this is enough. It is plenty. I gave it seriously. I had all the

cash you take out for like a guy's weekend. Oh, give it all to him i yes i couldn't remember how any of it worked that's it's like colorado rules no i was thinking the same thing like two days later when i sobered up i was like oh i would love nothing more than to be a fucking pizza delivery guy in a tourist area of colorado that's the best yeah because you're just like you're just like you keep telling it's not enough they give you your wife they're just like i don't know what to do anymore i don't know how currency and or bartering works i woke up from that shit i was so high it was very unpleasant like yeah yeah i went to sleep just grateful to sleep i woke up the next day i had to go snowmobile like i woke up i jumped out of bed and I fell over a little and I was like,

oh God, I'm still high. And I wanted to cry. It was like one of those moments you're like, I just need to feel normal again. So that's legal now. And the thing is,

is like, look, I, you know, clearly we have two horror stories of it. Right. But the thing is,

is like, I know people love it and I know people enjoy it and I know people have amazing time on it and, and, and that's great and it's just it's just not a thing i do that's all and i know there's like here's the thing like like talk to other i there's there's podcasters we do podcasts with who don't drink because of the exact same thing that we just described happens to them with alcohol they wind up with their fucking pants on their head driving

75 miles an hour down the fucking interstate. And they're like, how did I get here? So they just don't do it. And it's the same thing. It's like you just got to know your own limitations. That's what being an adult is. You know what I mean? You just got to know them. I know. I don't even like having limitations. We go now

live to the Queen's Day home in Shrumshire and the royal spokesperson hadn't puddled jump Singapore. The Queen is dead. Oh, please. Quit. They're a bit pumping.

Oh, sweet. All right, let's cover some stories. This seemed like a good story for the new year. Oh, yeah. Let right, let's cover some stories. This seemed like a good story for the new year. Oh, yeah. Let's bring it in. Social media. Everything sucks and we're going to die soon. This story is called,

This is why we'll never have nice things again. Yeah, that's for sure. It's from NBC. Social media hosted a lot of fake health news this year. Here's what went most viral. Viralist? I love the health news going viral. Like whoever wrote that headline was like,

I am clever at NBC. And then even better, they have like what looks like a virus thing with its little pokey tentacly armies, whatever that is, with like reaction emojis for Facebook. Yeah, it's got wows and loves and angries and likes. Yeah. Oh my God. So NBC compiled a list of some of this misinformation. So I thought it'd be good

to kind of talk a little bit about some of these items. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one here. The most engaged with article about cancer in 2019, for example, pushed a stew of medical conspiracies, including one positing that big pharma, a nebulous group that includes doctors and federal health organizations is hiding the cure for cancer. Now we've talked about that a dozen times. You know, when we had Steven Novella on, I expressed some concern about a Purdue farmer. Yeah. And them sort of hiding this from everybody. What, you know, what,

it's giving people the, like this natural news guy, this fucking health ranger, whatever that guy's name is. That fucking natural news shit is all over, man. He's all over. He fucking spunked on this entire page. That guy's been around forever, too. What is his name? The Health Ranger.

Now I'm going to do a search for it. Mike Adams, the Health Ranger. He's been all over the place. But yeah, so I expressed concern to Dr. Steven Novella, and I remember him saying, well, that's why we need regulation. That's why we need these things in, so we

can keep safeguards on these people. In some ways, it's bad that that happened, but in some ways, that's why we need regulation. That's why we need these things in so we can keep safeguards on these people. In some ways, it's bad that that happened. But in some ways, it's really good that that happened because when somebody says to you, well, look at what happened with Purdue Pharma, you can always counter with, yeah, and then they had to pay billions of dollars because they got caught.

That's why it's not worth it. That's why hiding cancer cures would not be worth it if they were just trying to sell you stuff that would make you like sicker or whatever. Well, like, let's, so let's, because I think you've hit

on something that is troublesome, right? Is that we know that big pharma does not have our best interest at heart. Any more than insurance companies have our best interest, right?

Any more than any other business. It's a business. It's a business. So let's like, let's get that piece out of the way. Yeah, separate the researchers who do that research from big pharma because the researchers are out there trying to change the world and make it better. Right.

And I think that that's an important pull apart, right? understood is that most of the basic research into pharmaceuticals, into medicine, into finding cures for all host of diseases, all number of diseases, most of that is publicly funded. It doesn't come from pharmaceutical companies. Pharmaceutical companies don't do that research from its base. Most of that research is done from universities, public universities. They're done by the NHS. They're done by CDC. They're done by, generally speaking, big, large, publicly funded institutions, which we as taxpayers pay for. And they do the bulk of the research. Then when that research gets to a certain point and looks to be on the cusp of becoming a product, once it gets to the point of being product available, then it's moved over or sold

to a pharmaceutical company who takes it the last piece across the finish line. And pharmaceutical companies' budgets reflect that. They spend the vast majority of their money on marketing. They do not spend anywhere near as much money on research and development because we're already paying for the research and development, you and me. So to bring that back to the idea that big pharma is in control of the cure for cancer. No, they're not looking for the cure for cancer. The guys looking for the cure for cancer are the people at fucking Johns Hopkins, right? The guys in the university system, the guys at the NHS. And if they fucking find that thing, it's not like they can find the cure for cancer, get us 90%

of the way there, and none of those guys are going to say anything about how fucking excited and close they are to doing the most fucking important thing they've ever done in their life, completely unattached to a profit motive. Yeah, that you could even say it could be one of the most important things humanity would ever do. Right. Yeah. And then like,

to take it a step further, it's also like, it's kind of stupid to think that you're going to hand it over to the same. Yeah. A company who sells and makes and manufactures, let's say chemotherapy drugs. Do they have an incentive to keep selling chemotherapy drugs? Well, sure.

But if they know there's a, and there's no such thing as a cure for all cancer, right? But that's a silly thing on its own, and there's a lot of reasons why. But if there were a cure for pancreatic cancer type whatever the fuck, the idea that they would bury that in order to keep selling chemo, that doesn't make sense either. What would happen is they would simply sell it to a different company that doesn't have a competing interest. company that doesn't have a competing interest. So like the NHS would get us 90% of the way there. And then they would look and they'd be like, oh, you have a competing interest in that where,

or a startup would grab that. And the only product they would sell would be the goddamn cure for pancreatic cancer. Or you would be like, holy shit, there's a cure for pancreatic cancer. That's going to destroy my other product. You know what I'm going to do? Bid aggressively on the cure so that I don't lose money on the other. There's a lot of good business reasons why that doesn't make sense either. Yeah. So like outside just the pure fact that like grandma might also get cancer and you love grandma. Yeah.

And so there are humanistic reasons why that's just not true. And there's regulatory reasons why that's not true. There's also market force reasons why that doesn't make sense as a conspiracy. Right. Well, I mean, you know, like there's other industries that do try to make it so that there's less of a pull from certain products in their industry,

right? Look at the electric car and the gas and oil industry, right? Look at how much they try to push. Those things still exist, right? We still know about them. So the same thing would happen here. You know, you're eventually going to find out about them. You're going to use them. You're going to have them.

And now it's up to the marketing to decide whether or not it's going to sell to the rest of the people. And what, you know, if the president's going to like throw some weird fucking tariff on something or whatever fucking floats his boat that day. But this is one of those things that we talked about. We talked about this before and we've talked about it many times

that this idea that people will be like, oh yeah, I'm just going to hide the, I got to fucking twist my mustache, my fucking waxed mustache that's in curly cues and I'm going to laugh maniacally and pull my cape in front of my face and hide the vial that has the fucking cure for cancer. I've got it tied up on the railroad tracks.

Oh, it's the cure for cancer. Exactly, right? It's like a moose and a squirrel trying to save us from it. There's a dog on... Fuck out of here. This is one of the most shared, engaged with stories on there because it already is a bias that a lot of people believe.

It's already confirming their own beliefs so that they're happy to share something like that without ever checking it out. I see that happen a lot. I'm like, I don't know anybody else who does this. I don't know if other people do this.

I'd be interested to hear from people. Do you check memes? Because when a meme comes across my feed now, I look at it and if it's like, on this day, blah, blah, blah, blah, this happened. And I'm like, I never heard of that. Let me look it up. And then I'll look it up to see if the meme is right.

Right. Because I'm not just going to believe from a text with no citation that something is true. And I don't know if other people do that, but I certainly, you know, like if it's just funny, it's just funny and it doesn't matter. But there are some now, there are some of these like images that will come out now that are trying to tell you something. They're trying to give you some sort of opinion or some sort of history fact, some sort of nugget of knowledge. Well, is that nugget true? Is it real? Right. You know, and so I read it in my feed is not vetting something. It's not. You can type any words over any other picture. Yeah. And that's the problem

with social media in general is that if you get any of your information from there, you got to think about it. And, you know, some of the stuff that that was sent out is true, but there's also anti-vax stuff in here too. Oh yeah. Where there's tons of anti-vax stuff. And again, that confirms so many people's biases. Well, and there's a ton of stuff that treats all kinds of health-related items as dietary deficiencies, or like, if you eat ginger, you know, ginger will like detoxify your liver, or, you know know turmeric will reduce all the information that you've ever had ever you'll be so non-inflamed you'll basically shrink down like a goddamn shrinky dink you lose like four pants sizes right you're just like holy shit i fucking smelled some

turmeric i lost 40 pounds you're like that guy from that movie where that that gypsy touches his face and he starts sinking. And he looks like Trump at the beginning. Right. And then at the end, he looks like Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It was like Christian Bale on the Machinist. He did. I've been eating nothing but apples.

That's it. That's it. Yeah. But like, I love this shit where they're just, they're like, well, this. Well, here it is. Here it is, Tom. Why don't you just read what it says here. That's it. Yeah. But like, I love this shit where they're just, they're like, well, this- Well, here it is. Here it is, Tom. Why don't you just read what it says here?

Just read this. So ginger is 10,000 times more effective at killing cancer than chemo, reads the headline of an article that generated 800,000 engagements. Papaya leaf juice, elderberry, dates, thyme, garlic, jasmine, limes, okra, and other herbs, vegetables, and exotic fruits

were all offered this year as cures for cancer, diabetes, asthma, and the flu. I'll bet you a hundred bucks you could go to LA and get that papaya leaf elderberry date garlic juice in the can right now. I guarantee you can get a shooter of papaya leaf juice, elderberry dates, thyme, garlic, jasmine, limes, okra, and other herbs guaranteed right now.

You do a shooter of it and then they give you a free copy of The Secret. Right. It's a smoothie because that's the same way it comes out. It's a smoothie. It's like it turns your body into one of those Hot Wheels racetracks

where she's just spinning around. Look at me. As it goes through your jawaddom, it's like when you used to have that little crank and it would shoot the Hot Wheels. Shoot the Hot Wheels down. That's basically your colon now. I'm like a papaya juice Snoopy snow cone machine.

What is going on? This thing's like an Easy Pay cover. What's going on? It's basically turning into all the toys from my childhood. My childhood had a lot of explosive diarrhea. I'm just saying

I was an anxious child. Jesus Christ. You know, I also love this shit where they'll put cancer cells or something in a controlled environment

that's not the human body and then they'll be like, you environment that's not the human body and then they'll be like you know what's good for killing cancer isopropyl alcohol and it's i'm just my mate yeah yeah and it's like yeah well just because something is good in a test environment and i use that because that would be like isopropyl alcohol will kill all these it doesn't mean that that's something you should consume you know what the. Oh, cancer can't live in a alkaline environment or an acidic environment,

whichever one it is. It doesn't matter, yeah. You have to change, like, the fucking pH of your body. You have to change it enough that only certain kinds of accidental cell growth are just like,

whoa, whoa, regular cells are fine, but I'm not going to live with this, with this kind of pH. You expect me to stay here? Really? With this kind of pH.

You know what's amazing about that is they love the pH, but they never listen to PhDs. It's crazy. Well, then like the big secret, the secret is pH balance. That's its whole thing. secret is pH balance. That's its whole thing. It is pH balance.

What does that even mean? Is this medicine strong enough for a man, but it's made for a woman? Grandma, who's that statue of? That's the man from long ago who stood up to Donald Trump. Looked just like him. A conservative who became the voice of a generation. Voice of generation TBD. With a powerful message.

Powerful message TBD. And a rallying cry that spoke to all people. Rallying cry that speaks to all people TBD. Thank you! TBD. Thank you! TBD. So this is fucking crazy. And we covered this in its original incarnation some time ago.

Yeah. This is from the New York Intelligencer. More intelligencing is being done. Intelligensify yourself. I did more intelligence than you. GOP lawmaker plotted insurrections to establish Christian state. Okay. So I just want you to look at this guy.

established Christian state. Okay, so I just want you to look at this guy. Doesn't he look like like John Lithgow from Dexter with Serial Killer turned up to 11? Holy shit, he does!

Doesn't he? He looks like he looks like he looks like if you took John Lithgow and you crossbred him with the guy who shot Kennedy.

I'm just saying you can never trust a man with eyeglasses that don't have a frame that goes all the way around. Yeah, you can't trust a man with eyeglasses that don't have a frame that goes all the way around Yeah, you can't trust a guy with eyeglasses that look like he's from 1964 I know Jesus Alright, so this is the Washington State Chair of the Republican Caucus He wrote, and we covered it back when it happened last year

Yeah, we did cover it He wrote the manifesto, The Biblical Basis for War. And as far as Jesus was concerned, American Christians have the right to kill all males, but just males, who support abortion, same-sex marriage, or communism. That's a weird

thing to pull on the slot machine. When you get abortion, same-sex marriage, and it's like getting the cherry, the bell, and the bar.

You just like, hammer and sickle, hammer and sickle, fetus. Oh, God damn it. It can't be abortion if it's a cherry. Cherry, cherry, pop. Go. Call T.I. in here. Get him in here. if it's a cherry. Cherry, cherry, pop! Go!

Call T.I. in here. Get him in here. Bring Kanye in here. Would you look at this? Now you're going to have to beat your daughter or whatever you're going to do when that eventually happens. Beat your daughter?

Jesus Christ. Oh, what's he going to congratulate her? He wasn't going to high-five her, that's for sure. Oh, God. I'm just saying, check her anal hymen. All right. That's not a thing.

Like, a real one is a thing. Anal hymen. It's just like, you spend your whole life just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Oh, my God. All right, so when the manifesto came out, the guy basically lost his chairmanship, right? He didn't lose his job.

No, it's kind of like Steve King. We're like, all right, you can still come to work. But your big punishment is you don't have to do anything when you get here. You're a white nationalist. You can still sit here and collect a paycheck, but we just don't want to hear from you anymore. Right.

Yeah. And so the Guardian and over the spring found some text messages where he was trying to, he was discussing targeting anti-fascist activists like Antifa, etc. For surveillance, harassment, and violence. In fact, he said the prescription for the treatment of an Antifa protester. He didn't say this. Someone said it to him. Oh, I'm sorry.

Someone said it to him. One of these other people said to him. The Interlocutor would be a great name for a show. The Interlocutor might be a great name for a show. The interlocutor might be a good name for this paper. Better than the intelligence. Better than the intelligence. But this person said that for the treatment of female Antifa protester, grab a fistful of hair and a face slam

into a jersey barrier, treat them like a communist revolutionaries, then shave her bald with a K-Bar USMC field knife. It's a very specific shave. There's a lot of really specific stuff in here. You've clearly touched on his kink, right? Because the guy has tastes, you know what I mean? He's going out of his way to be like,

no, no, no, no, no, no. You've got to make sure that it's this, and I want to shave it with grease. It's got to be grease, just like he did in P got to make sure that it's this and I want to shave it with grease. It's got to be grease just like he did in Pitch Black. Like that. That's what I want to do. That shaving said Pitch Black's like,

all right, some shit's going wrong, but I want to lose. I got to shave her hair. I want to make sure I have like less wind resistance when I'm running from crazy creatures

that bite you in the face. But he said, so this Republican lawmaker replied to this text with, okay, what background checks need to be done? Give me the list. End quote. Yeah. Not, he did not respond to like, that's crazy. That's a horrifying abuse of fucking authoritarian power.

That's not how America works. At the very least, he should have replied with, who dis? At the very least. Eggplant, eggplant, eggplant. Squirt,

squirt, squirt. Oh, but this guy, he was talking, also talking to the people that like took over that like fucking reservation. Those guys that were like,

yeah, in like Oregon, Oregon, he was like chatting with those guys and he was going by a name. He was going by the name. Vernum Bellator was the name he was going by, which means truth warrior in Latin. It does.

It means truth warrior in Latin. It sounds. That's why it sounds like a Harry Potter. I'm Vernon Bellator. Oh, oh, Death Eater, whatever. warrior in latin it sounds yeah that's why it sounds like a harry potter villain i'm vernon bellator oh oh death eater whatever but it sounds like a fucking harry potter villain this is a gop lawmaker it's amazing you know i fight the truth no damn it that's not how i meant that i mean i fight for the truth no you. You know what? Change it to Ultimate Warrior. Is that taken? Ultimate Warrior? No, it's not taken anymore. What I'm going to do is I'm going to tie these swastikas above my

bicep. And then when I flex, it makes my flex. It's basically like a cock ring for your bicep. Hulk Hogan in Latin is real American. I am a real American. You remember that? Do you remember when he sang that song?

He would come out. Well, I don't know if he sang it. I don't know who sang it, but he would come out and do his like, boof. Yeah, boof. Oh, yeah, brother.

That was a different guy. That's Macho Man Randy Savage. Why does my brain still have that information? Who is your favorite? Do you used to watch wrestling, right? A little bit. So who was your favorite wrestler

when you were a kid? I liked Jake the Snake. Jake the Snake. Yeah, Snake. I was a fan. I got a snake, man. I like the guys with the props. So I like Jake the Snake. I like the hillbillies with the two-by-fours. Oh, hillbillies with the two-by-fours. This is awesome. Who are they?

Who are they called? Do you remember? I don't know. And then I like the Iron Sheik. Iron Sheik because he would tap his toe and he had that like... Well, he had like a finishing move that he would do. He did. And then I liked the iron chic. Iron chic because he would tap his toe and he had that like, like, we had like a finishing move that he would do. Like he did him in the, like the iron crowbar.

Yeah, he did. It was the thing where he would put their legs over his, over his knees and then he would pull their fucking crank their neck back.

I don't even remember what it was called, but it was ridiculous. It looked uncomfortable. It seriously looked uncomfortable. I guarantee there's a chiropractor right now doing this to somebody somewhere. This was called the Iron Shake.

I like how racist those like old... Oh, I know those old timey ones. Oh my God. That shit was amazing. It's like, Arabs are funny. Let's make fun of them. And you know,

poor people with these hillbillies with sticks or whatever. There was a black guy named Junkyard Dog. Oh, I remember Junkyard Dog. Hacksaw Jim Dugan was the guy's name. That is it. That was the guy's name.

So Tom, right now our sponsor, AdamandEve.com and AdamandEve.com I just want to mention if you like to fuck If you don't. Really? Yeah.

But if you like to fuck and you like to get fucked AdamandEve.com is a great sponsor for this show because they provide oils and lubes and things to fuck with

and things to get fucked with and things to put on stuff and things to put under stuff things to put around stuff I mean you basically can pack that shit in airtight wherever you want and the nice thing is with the code GLORY at checkout you won't get fucked on the price

exactly because you get 50% off almost any item at adamandeve.com. You get a ton of free gifts. You get free DVDs. There's something for you, something for her, something for both of you guys. No sex swing right now. No sex swing. But free shipping.

Free shipping. We get to swing it out to you that way. Instead, you get free. All you have to do is enter Gloria at checkout. You'll get all that stuff. And fucking has never been so fun. It's time for our New Year's installment of Vulgarity for Charity.

One of many this New Year and that means it's time to welcome back the three musketeers of podcasting, Noah, Heath, and Eli. It's true. You forget we exist until you see us and when you dig in, bam! Mostly fluff. I'm not even wrong. I eat a lot of fluff alright let's start things

off with a roast for Josh's dog Tika yeah okay so apparently this is on behalf of his other dog Soba and apparently Tika's so fucking lazy that Soba couldn't find a picture of him not sprawled out on the sofa half ass looking back at the camera

to make sure it's not edible before returning to his perpetual half-slumber. So, Tika, you look like an elderly Rottweiler who licked a light socket. And Eli, how about a roast for Dennis' stepmom, Carol? Oh, Dennis' stepmom looks like Instagram has a cunt who will die alone filter. Oh, Jesus Christ.

She looks like the ghost of Christmas ruined. Okay, Heath, this one is definitely for you. Will wants a roast for his friend's manager, Leslie, who makes the entire office listen to smooth jazz all day. God damn it. Yeah, and by the way, according to Will, Entire office listened to smooth jazz all day. God damn it. Yeah. And by the way, according to Will, Leslie is a, quote, sexless, desiccated wanker. So we're going to steal your stuff.

Great stuff. We need more British people in on these roasts. That's great stuff. Pretty sure this is coming from the UK. And oh, yeah, this is. This is on behalf of Muriel, who we met at QED. You guys remember Muriel? Oh, yeah. Hi, Muriel. This is on behalf of Muriel, who we met at QED. You guys remember Muriel? Oh, yeah.

Hi, Muriel. Yeah. I do remember. Leslie, she looks like Theresa May wore a pantsuit made of nothing but those little packets that come in the pocket, the little desiccant things. And if someone ever finds her Kenny G spot, you'll see nothing but a fucking puff of dust like you blew off an old book that you found. All right, Cecil, I got a good one for you here. How about a roast for Barbara's cat, Joseph?

Okay. Holy shit. Is this cat hiding under a giant bratwurst? Like, the thing looks like excessive water weight with fur. It looks like he needs to get on my kitness pal or something. When you grab a normal cat's paw, the claws come out. Joseph requires an extra step of pressing in his tummy, so his paws come out.

Tom, this last one needs your special blender roast. Jamie's hubby's stepmom, Kenny. I don't think it's the last one, though, but I'll give it a shot. All right, Kenny, first, you spell your name stupid. K-E-N-I. That is stupid. You're spelling your name wrong. Fuck you.

Anyway, you know, guys, when you read one of these descriptions and the details are just kind of shocking, and then you think, what the fuck kind of cartoon villain am I reading about here? And then you think, no, that's not right. Because a cartoon villain still has more depth of character than this particular monster. And at least a cartoon can be erased. Then you realize you've seized on it. Erased. That's Kenny.

She is a smudge on the page in the story of better men and women. But the cruelty of women like this, as cancerous as she may be, is ultimately a banal cruelty. And Kenny knows it. She knows that her spite and her abuse are nothing more than the screams and wails hurled and lashed against the indifference of her bereft and rotten heart. Everything she is is broken and worthless. She is a relentless crashing wave breaking against the rocks of her own pointless life. Okay.

All right. Heath, this next one's for you. Nathan needs a roast for his high school math teacher, Brian. All right. So in addition to being a math teacher who studied math,

got to basic calculus, and had to stop, so they went to high school. He's also the guy who ran an unconstitutional Jesus propaganda club after school and used his tiny amount of bullshit power inside that little world of that school to rope students into religion

by getting them out of detention for Bible study. Basically, the Hitler Youth model, but without the strong economics curriculum. getting him out of detention for Bible study. Basically the Hitler youth model, but, you know, without the strong economics curriculum. It was so flagrant that the FFRF had to be involved in this. They had to call the FFRF on them. And then the FFRF had to fight against lawyers from a literal hate group, the Alliance Defending Freedom Freedom in a case.

Brian is the cuticle of people, and we have to just constantly scrape people like this back into fucking compliance. Sometimes it doesn't even work. And you get little sores that never fucking heal. Fuck you. And Eli, one parent to another,

Lucy needs a roast for her son Atticus uh Lucy I'd love to except I don't want to fucking die because this is the baddest ass kid ever he's wearing sweet shades he's got a camo t-shirt with matching sandals and he is eyeing the dog food aisle of this Costco like he just saw through the Matrix. Seriously, Lucy, are you sure that this is your son? Because I am 99% sure this is a childhood photo of Guy Fieri. You need to just check the photo albums. Maybe you swap the Fieris next door.

All right, so Cecil, I got another one for you here. Chris would like a roast for his brother, Sean. It looks like every part of his face challenged every other part to a race toward the ground. Hey, Sean, every picture of every rabid anti-trans bigot Trump supporter is a selfie of them in a public place alone. Why do you think that is? Why do you think that is? And one for you, Noah. Dave would like a roast of his pet cat,

Nigel. Normally, I hate roasting cats because what are you going to say? But this cat looks like such an asshole. Nigel looks like one of those bastards that's in a perpetual state of not quite puking. He'll constantly get over expensive

shit and do the hairball pump fake for five minutes. You're sticking paper towels under him. You're grabbing your important documents and your food and shit. And then he just wanders off and pukes in your shoes in the other room while nobody's looking. Fuck you, Nigel. I'm glad

you got fixed. Why did I put my social security guard in my shoes in the other room? Yeah, and I have two you got fixed. Why did I put my social security guard in my shoes in the other room? Yeah, I have two of those cats. Casey would like a roast for her dad, Donnie. All right. Guys, imagine this. In the world,

there are countless ways to fill our time, to occupy our minds and our bodies in the pursuit of a thousand passions. There are sunrises to see rising over beaches that would pursuit of a thousand passions. There are sunrises to see rising over beaches that would make a poet weep. There are cities filled with stories to hear. There are meals to eat, music to hear that will literally bring a man to tears. There's art to create. And if that's not your thing, the art to consume, there is a thousand, thousand things to do and to love. And still, in and among a world filled with so much, there's Donnie, who is so

utterly unimaginative, filled inside only by a vacuous void of nothing, that even among all of this beauty, all of these wonderful options of who to be and how to fill his life, still, there sits Donnie, leaving nothing for his existence but the vague impression of his wasted life carved into a piece of cheap furniture. Donnie who loved bowling. Well done. All right, gents, it's time for another... Spikening Round!

Whatever, Cecil, over Christmas, I learned to do it too, see? Spikening round. Did it do Boomy voice? Big time. Yeah, absolutely. Totally. Yeah, absolutely.

Awesome. Okay, Boomer. Anyway, the category is places. These folks have asked us to roast a location. So for this spikening round, I'd like you to create a slogan for the location in question. And big thanks to Michael, Joe, Jamie, Seth, Brian, Zed-me-loo? Zed-do-me-loo?

Well, Michael and John, Adam and Andrew. First up, Wisconsin. Okay, Wisconsin. If you lived here, you'd be cholesterol by now. And by the way, just for the record, one of their actual slogans is wisconsin stay just a little bit longer please their advertising bureau is apparently just a creepy guy trying to fuck us exactly wisconsin because maybe it's cold outside all right next up florida oh oh i'm close to that one how about florida we still have plenty of coastline that isn't covered in the malicious ooze from ghostbusters 2 why you guys keep talking

about the program okay utah uh utah 100100 billion buried somewhere real, real slippery. All right, next up, Ohio. Oh, lovely. I'll take this one. Okay. Ohio, because Illinois is for N-word lovers. I'm Jim Jordan, and I approve this message. I was doing that in the voice of Jim Jordan.

He is a congressman from Ohio the guy shrieking at those hearings if you watched any of those hearings GYM Jordan absolutely alright I'll take Bismarck North Dakota a shitty fruit donut and a sinking ship are more famous than we are

Paris Paris sinking ship are more famous than we are. Okay. Paris. Paris. The only thing more incredible than our city's architecture is how shitty each and every person who lives here is. Damn. So mean. Louisiana's Republicans. Okay.

All right. Two for Louisiana. Everything but New Orleans is just wet Oklahoma. Louisiana Republicans. So good. Posthumously disassociating Lincoln with our party since 1956. That's true too.

Alright. I'll take Plainfield, Illinois. A mustache wax dispenser on every corner and a micro-brew snifter in every hand. All right. Asheville, North Carolina. Oh, okay. Asheville, because hipsters can still be racist.

That works for Plainfield, too. Also the mustache wax dispenser. for Plainfield too. Also the mustache wax dispenser. And finally Australia on behalf of New Zealand. Alright, Australia. The segregated country

club of Oceania. Australia. New Zealand is our all black friend. Australia. So where the bloody hell are you that's a real one by the way

so where the bloody hell are you is an actual tourism ad slogan that Australia uses that's amazing

all black friends fantastic okay and on that note we're gonna take a quick break and toss things over to our friends, Andy and Marsh from the Merseyside Skeptic Society. Oh, hey, Andy. Oh, hi, Marsh.

Look, for the last time, I've told you, Mike said he'll only do the convention again if we let him carry around a gun with a single bullet. And that's his final offer. No, no. I mean, I'm actually weirdly fine with that. No, it was the scathing atheist and the cognitive dissonance guys. They're doing their vulgarity for charity thing again, and they've asked for our help again. Oh. Isn't letting them invite themselves to QED enough? Well, I mean, to be fair, they totally fell for it this year

when we told them it was cancelled. I know, they really did. Oh, no, boys, no need to come over this year. Just dinner with a few hundred friends and Magic Dave. Real low-key. You don't think it'll work two years in a row, do you? Oh, I wish. Who do they want us to roast?

All right, let's see here. Well, Charlotte, Will and Avyee donated for us to roast Boris Johnson. Oh, okay. I think we can manage that. Let me see. I can start. So there's this myth that the daddy long-legged spider is actually the most venomous spider in the world, but that it lacks the fangs to administer the poison. In much the same way, the only thing undermining Boris Johnson's breathtaking malevolence

is his own staggering incompetence. Boris is the living disproof of the idea of British exceptionalism. He's a venal, lazy, cowardly liar who trades on misinformation, bluster and spite because he hasn't got the spine or the empathy to stand for something positive. Very nice, very nice. Good roast. Well look, Boris Johnson, our very own photoshopped Wurzel Gummidge, a man whose stumbling, guffawing, blithering, bouldered ash has somehow made him Prime Minister. The most perfect example of someone promoted to the highest level of incompetence. perfect example of someone promoted to the highest level of incompetence. His initials are BJ, which is a deliberate and perfect distraction because it confuses cock in mouth and cock with a mouth. He is everything that's bad with Great Britain, a liar in power, a pretender to

the throne, a deserting patriot. He's a man who prizes his privilege and position over morality, truth and sincerity. I'm not surprised Boris is fond of cycling to work. He's our very own Lance fucking Armstrong. All right. This is fun. All right. Well, Bart, Bart donated $330 for us to say mean things about Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Right, let's see. You know when you leave a cup of tea to go cold and it forms like a thick greyish skin on top? If you send that skin to private school and teach it Latin, you get Jacob Rees-Mogg. Mogg is a homophobic bigot who's against same-sex marriage. And he also said that abortion in all circumstances is wrong. And to be fair, that abortion view is basically just retrospective self-defence. Because had his parents known what a pathetic excuse for a man their foetus would grow up to be, they'd have mercifully flushed him away while he was still an embryo.

Beautiful, man. Beautiful. Okay, Jacob Rees-Mogg. He looks like Ronnie Corbett was surfing hawking radiation outside a black hole caused by an infinitely dense pile of his own billions of pounds, failed to pay attention and became spaghettified at the event horizon. He was famously photographed lying with his feet up in the House of Commons. Lying is one of his strong points. He's the Prince Andrew of politics, not because of any sex stuff, who the fuck would touch him after all, but because he gives enough of an impression of usefulness to fool people into thinking he's actually useful. He pops up from time to time on TV and people assume he's been doing useful things in between appearances. He's stupid enough to think he's getting away with it and smart enough to take advantage of humans' innate

pattern-seeking instinct. He is the knob of the gaps. Well done, man. All right, for this next one, why don't you take the Malaysian Prime Minister, Mahathir Mohamad, for Paul, and I'll take Joe Swinson for Nathan. Okay. Mahathir Mohamad, or as I like to call him, Jew-hating 9-11 truther,

is a 94-year-old second-time Prime Minister for Malaysia. He's a self-professed anti-Semite who described Jews in his 2007 book as the Jews are not merely hook-nosed but understand money instinctively. This guy fucking roasts himself. He's your worst racist uncle who keeps turning up at Christmas. He's a playground bully with a moral backbone fashioned from the bones of his enemies. He thinks the world could learn lessons about peace from Kim Jong-un and that 9-11 was perpetrated by the US government. Mayateer Mohammed is the Alex Jones of Malaysian politics. Nice, nice. So let's think, Joe Swinson. The worst thing about Joe Swinson being head of the

Liberal Democrats is the private school that has to cope with the loss of their overly eager head girl. Joe, you can't make a case for being anti-austerity when you were part of the government that introduced austerity in the first place. You are the kid at school who eggs the bully on. And then when the teacher arrives, you rat them out to avoid detention. You are absolutely perfect as the face of the Lib Dems because you are bland and instantly forgettable. Oh, yeah. All right, excellent. Last two here. So, Andrew would like you to roast the English school system. Oh, my goodness. It would be my pleasure. Well, the English school system produced me, but it also produced Marsh. Make your own decision. The English school system, the most effective way we've yet found to increase the gap between rich and poor. For the 6% who can access private education, we see small class sizes, heavy investment and elite teachers. glazing company and an approach to infrastructure which homogenizes ability so effectively that it

suppresses the capability of burgeoning high-flying students and the potential of struggling non-academic students in exactly the same way if i was writing an end-of-term report for the english school system my final comment would be must try harder teachers rock infrastructure sucks faith schools can fuck right off, and to the 6%, congratulations on your fucking privilege. I feel a lot better now, Marsh. I'm glad you got that off your chest, Andy. Now, the denouement. Joshua would like you to roast,

I am looking forward to this, would like you to roast Peter Boghossian. Ah, Peter Boghossian, what can I say about you that hasn't been said before? Well, to be fair, that'd be quite a long list of pretty much all of the positive adjectives, so I won't be doing that. The paucity of your academic rigour when it comes to your anti-feminist crusade just goes to show how easy it is to become utterly lazy in your thinking, and it should be an eternal embarrassment to the community that first held you aloft. You are the living proof that

having the right answer on one subject does not mean that you are right on any other subject, and that repackaging Socratic dialogue for a new generation clearly doesn't require you to understand or internalise the lessons of it. Peter spoke last month at the Speaking Truth to Social Justice conference in London, so in that spirit, I've got some truth that I can speak to you. If your manual for creating atheists ends with you speaking at a meeting funded by a right-wing Christian think tank which opens the event with a prayer, you might want to question the path that you're on. If only there was some kind of book you could use as a guide to questioning the veracity of your deeply held ideologies, Peter. Fantastic. Fantastic. Well, that does it, Marsh. That's everyone.

Another year of vulgarity for charity done with. Yeah, yeah. And I'm so glad they've made their $100,000 goals for now Noah gets to quit smoking. You're worried about his health? No, no. I'm just hoping he goes crazy and finishes the other four off. Well, that's a safe bet isn't it well done guys cheers huge thanks to Andy and Marsh for doing that again in fact we're so grateful that guy has asked us to roast

Marsh but we'll throw in Andy for free excellent alright Andy looks like Bam Bam Bigelow exactly I'm 99% sure he is Bam Bam Bigelow. Like, exactly. Yes, yes he does. I'm 99% sure he is Bam Bam Bigelow in reality. The WWF wrestler from the 90s. But for anyone who's not familiar with that, Andy looks like a henchman for an opera singer.

And Marsh looks like he got kicked out of the Harry Potter universe for being a dick and exposing all the magic tricks. He looks like Slytherin House made a Nazi-style propaganda poster about muggles, and he's the muggle. Alright, this is tough because Andy's the third nicest guy on Earth and Marsh is basically fuckable John Oliver. But you know, for money, I'll do it.

Alright, Andy looks like Wayne Knight and the guy he got the shaving cream can from were fused into one dude. And Marsh perpetually looks like he's just woken up in a grown-up body for the first time and hasn't figured out why it's so hairy yet.

He's like a deer being born for a lot. Yeah. Look, I gotta admit, I feel bad roasting Andy. I mean, he takes six months of his life away from his job selling cars to admit, I feel bad roasting Andy. I mean, he takes six months of his life away from his job selling cars to other cars or whatever his parents do.

And what do people say to him in response? When's the next Incredulous? I can't get that much money together that fast. Let me talk to my daughter. I feel for you, Andy. I feel for you. Andy and Marsha Krupp and Vandemar from Neverwhere. If that story was about Nigerian scammers,

they tricked you into wiring them donuts. Looking forward to seeing you guys in October. Maybe even see you before then. Check your closets, guys. All right, let's dive back in with some group requests, starting with Duff, who would like a roast for his wife and two kids. Well, I hate to echo the least interesting man at every party Duff's been to in the last 20 years,

but I guess I'll call dibs on his wife. Because... No! No, he sent us this email about he's been dropping hints for years now that he wants her to donate to Vulgarity for charity and get him roasted. And poor little Duff, he downloads every episode like a hopeful orphan on Christmas morning.

Just to have his hopes just immediately trampled by her indifference. Orphan with an iPhone. Yeah, well, right. Yeah, exactly. A well-to-do orphan. And then he introduces... Not that well-to-do. It's an iPhone.

Well, yeah, right. But then he introduces her in the email by talking about how she's super successful. Sounds like somebody who could afford 50 bucks for charity to have her husband called an asshole at his request, lady. No shit. Sure, he says you're a good cook, but he didn't mention that your specialty

is filet of heart, you callous skinflint. All right, I'm going to take one of the kids here. Thank God that kid is in martial arts because then he can kip up

after literally anyone in his high school kicks the shit out of him. That kid's books come pre-dumped. Just buy him underwear with arm holes to thwart the future wedgies. Jesus. Like it. Now it's a shirt.

Thank you. Alright. I'll take Chase. Chase is the kind of kid who is full of good intentions um good intentions are great we need those people with good intentions well okay what we really need are people with great ideas and amazing minds but hey i guess one out of three ain't bad and unless you're chase you know chase wants to grow up to build robocop like that's his goal to make cyborgs awesome hey kid guess what Like, that's his goal, to make cyborgs. Awesome. Hey, kid, guess what? Inspector Gadget, that's not a life goal.

I feel like it. Duff, what I'm saying here is that you can save some money on college with that boy of yours by, I don't know, here, try this. Ask him to write down all of his dreams on a piece of paper, then tear it up in front of him and send him to HVAC repair

school where he belongs. paper, then tear it up in front of him and send him to HVAC repair school where he belongs. And Aiden would like Heath to roast his dogs, Eleanor and Fox. And if there's time, he wants Eli to roast his wife, Kendra. If there's time is the best part of that email. I do love that. I want to filibuster Eli so bad and just keep going on. Yeah. All right. Well, I love this picture of these dogs. So, Eleanor and Fox are furious at Aiden for taking this photo.

I think they're both boxers, and they look like stormtroopers with rabies. They're so angry. And they both have what I'm assuming are giant rage boners, lady or man boners, whatever they are, which are also Star Wars themed somehow, the boners. Fox appears to have either two pink dicks

that light up with hate sometimes, or maybe a vagina protected by two very small lightsabers around the sides. And Eleanor's labia look like they're about to reveal an angry Sarlacc and they both 100 hate fuck that camera together right after the shot also kind of makes sense because kendra lovely lady you're a lucky man aiden but she looks like someone brought the phrase ungentle hand job to life. Seriously, she's holding back these dogs

with these cow milking hands that are not made for love or pleasure. Aiden, buddy, you have my sympathies. Bring a taser to the drive-in movie just in case. Jesus. Okay, this one is for Tom and Eli. Michael would like

a roast of his co-worker. BJ. Uh, Michael, I'd love to roast your co-worker, butael would like a roast of his co-worker bj uh michael i'd love to roast your co-worker but you sent us a photo of a cheeseburger seriously this man is somehow exactly a cheese he looks like the hamburglar in witness protection or a junior whopper dressed up as a corporate douche for halloween michael our roasts don't often include assignments but listen to me next time you see bj and he does his backstabby weird bullshit you just need to drop a gentle gentle hint that you know he's a cheeseburger and when you see that terror and recognition in his lettuce eyes, then you will know who it was. That's how you will know.

Lettuce eyes. See, so you have to look at the picture. It is uncanny. BJ isn't a name. BJ is a birthday present. It's a free backstage pass. It's part of a balanced breakfast maybe. I don't know. But BJ is not a name.

Christ, look at you, BJ. You look like a guy who wanted a fucking BJ so bad you literally transformed into the very epitome of your own boring repressed desire. Okay, this one is for me, Tom,

and Carl the Pug-a-Pega-Corn. Derek donated $486.20 for Eli to roast Betsy DeVos as Carl the Pug-a-Pega-Corn and for Tom and I to roast his friend Zach. So go for it, Eli. Oh, hey, Mrs. Devos. I'm Carl the Pug-a-Pega-Corn.

Gee, you sure do look like a melted wax figure of Margaret Thatcher, which is saying a lot, because Margaret Thatcher looked like a melted wax figure of Margaret Thatcher. All right, Zach. Love handles aren't holding your pants up. I mean, I know it's kind of a misnomer since they sound like they should be grabbing something, but those fat bubbles are just shoving your jeans down

and showing off your underoos to your grossed out coworkers. So stop. Yeah, for fuck sake, Zach, buy a goddamn belt and then wear that goddamn belt. Look at all of the world. There's 7 billion of us,

all of us, thinking about the very idea that under your clothes, there's you. Thinking about that makes us choke a little on our own gorge. Okay.

All right. Final group request. Teresa would like Heath or Noah to roast people who don't return shopping carts. Oh, I will humbly defer. I've seen you make people cry with rants about this. This is all you.

Okay, all right. Now, this is weird because I already did this in a different one, but I will absolutely take it again. This was Noah's free choice pick for best thief. All right, so I want to know what these assholes do at home right do you just leave the milk near the fridge when you're done you wake up the next day it smells bad so you toss it near the trash can it splatters all over the floor so you mop up some other spot on the floor when you don't near the the bucket? When you get done

with a shit, do you wipe your ass or whichever body part is closest to the toilet paper? Because let's be clear about this. Your ass does not have a sign that says toilet paper goes here. So by any conceivable measure,

wiping your ass is significantly more complicated than returning your goddamn cart at the fucking grocery store. I feel attacked. I feel like that was aimed at me. Because I don't... Well done.

All right, this next round of roasts is special requests. No. It means that we need an insult that only you could deliver. First one's for me. This one is for Galen, who would like me to roast politician

Jeanette Ward. Has there ever been a septuagenarian that tried so hard to look like a cheerleader? I know you want your district to give you a W, but if you do, you lift your arms above your head, you're going to break a hip, I think. I don't know. She seriously looks like a where are they now

of one of the white suit twins from the Matrix 2. Let's hope their Senate run ends in an epic crash too. All right. Noah, Pamela would like you to roast her ex-coworker, Joel, the proof reader. Okay, so a little behind the scenes here. We have this massive

500 plus page doc where Tim and Haley have copied over all the pics and email and all the info that we need for all of these roasts. So the whole time that we've been doing this, we're constantly scrolling up and down this massive document to find the person that we're supposed to insult next. And along the way, here and there, you just see some random picture of some other person and think to yourself, ooh, I hope I get this guy. Joel is the quintessential example of that guy.

He's got a mustache that's trying to say, I look ridiculous on purpose as though he had a choice. He looks like he splits his time evenly between pretentiously biting a pipe and plotting his revenge against Mega Man. This motherfucker, he looks like Lawrence Krauss trying to sneak past the security guard at a Victoria's Secrets again. Oh, shit. Eli, David would like a roast of himself.

All right. So this is not fair because David is incredibly good looking and he knows it. David has like medically too many abs. His six pack has each little one has a six-pack in. He's got a fractal of six-packs. It's a fucking MC Escher pack. He looks like he's broken up more marriages than polyamory. Dave?

Dave is so good-looking. I listened to an episode of his podcast just to hear his voice, and let me say Dave is incredibly good looking. He's handsome. Okay. Heath, got a two for you.

Molly gave us 300 bucks for you to roast her bearded dragon, Simon, who shits on her and her coworker, Greg, a Trump-loving Republican with an immigrant girlfriend whose favorite hobby

is reenacting the Confederacy. Okay. Well, I hobby is reenacting the Confederacy. Okay. Well, I'm assuming reenact the Confederacy actually means entering public buildings in a separate door from his girlfriend. And that bearded dragon looks like Mark Zuckerberg on a leash doing upward facing dog pose. And I am into it. That is an attractive photo we got of that bearded dragon. Tom, John gave us a hundred bucks for you to roast Eli's digestive system. Alright.

Actually, Eli doesn't even have what could properly be termed a digestive system. Seriously, I've been to dinner with Eli. Do you guys know what he can eat? No. False. He can't fucking eat. It's fucking ridiculous. He's a goddamn lemon, which is ironic because I actually think that is the only thing he can eat. I understand. Look, if I were trapped with Eli for 24 hours a day,

I would revolt too. But seriously, Eli's digestive system, if all you're going to do is pretend to work and be a huge noisy pain in the ass, the very least you can do is get your own fucking Facebook page and beg for internet sympathy points while you do it. Also, after this, Eli's shitty stomach will have its own fan page now. I guarantee it. Yeah, yeah. All right.

I think we got time for one more. Slightening Roast. Before we deliver our final salvo roast. The category is people who blank. These generous donors have issue with certain kinds of someone. So I'd like you to deliver the following roast to people who blank, probably blank. Big thanks to Michael, Irene, Clarence,

Joey, Amy, Wayne, Morgan, Zachariah, Cindy, and Tweaks. Okay, Noah, people who offer unsolicited gym advice. Yeah, might as well ask Tom about the NCAA. I'm not the one to do this one. I can't say for certain that everyone listening to this podcast has been in a gym more times than I have, but I can say for certain that nobody listening to it has been in a gym more times than I have, but I can say for certain that nobody listening to it has been in a gym fewer times.

But people who offer unsolicited gym advice definitely also offer unsolicited dick pics. Probably in their resumes. Laminated. Okay, Eli, people who don't know how escalators

work. Oh, alright. People who don't know how escalators work. Oh, all right. People who don't know how escalators work also push the elevator button they just watched you push. No, no, no. That's right, lady. The elevator moves faster depending on how many times we on the ground press the button. Don't push it a third time or it'll go hyperspeeding.

Turtle into the earth. All right, Cecil, how about people who litter? Okay. Hey, fuckhead, throw in your 15th Zagnut wrapper on the ground. I know you litterers probably think that the world revolves around you because you're in a constant gravitational force battle with it,

but it doesn't, you sloppy prick. I realize it's not your neighborhood, so you don't care about it, but if we treated everyone we didn't care about like this, you would have been chucked off a cliff like a Spartan baby with a hair lip. And Heath, this one's definitely for you. How about people who roast dogs? Okay.

I see what you're doing there. Yeah. People who roast dogs probably look like a racist snowman based on my data set of one. I look like Lex Luthor started a podcast about men's rights. That's fair. That's fair. She did. Oh, come on.

You're not as good looking as Lex Luthor. And finally, Tom. Okay. That's fair. And finally, Tom, what do anti-vax nurses also do? Okay. Anti-vax nurses probably also giggle a little when those babies die. True.

Well done. Got some more badly behaving folks next. But for this round, I'd like you to tell me what the proper punishment for their faux paw would be. All right, Eli, we'll start with you. What's the proper punishment for assholes who drive around in a pickup truck all right uh assholes who drive around in a pickup truck should have to do the job of people who actually need a pickup truck farmer serial killer any of them

assistant manager of tech support at huddleston community college that closes all the way you animal Not assistant manager of tech support at Huddleston Community College. It's a car that closes all the way, you animal. Okay, Heath. Why do serial killers need a pickup that would give me the body? Because it's in the back, so bad. Van. I'm giving Eli a weird note here.

Go ahead, Cecil. Okay, yeah. That's a perfect note, Heath. Very specifically for you, the next one, what's the proper punishment for people who stand on 16 when the dealer's up card is a 10? What the fuck is wrong with people? God damn it. There's literally a very simple answer key for blackjack

that you're allowed to have at the blackjack table. And the reason it's allowed is because unless you're a professional card counter and if you stand on 16 against dealer 10, you are not that. So if you're just playing a perfect strategy, according to that chart, you still lose against the house.

That's why they let you have that chart. And you shouldn't hit either, by the way. You should literally pay money to surrender your hand that's real if you have a hundred dollars on the table during that moment you should pay the dealer fifty dollars to cancel that bet before you even see the outcome of the cards um and i guess here's the penalty for your faux pas another strategy that's better than standing on your 16 would be shoving the chips up your ass. Like, that is better. You'll get some enjoyment

and you will also be escorted from the casino and stop losing more money. It's a win-win. Okay, Noah, this one's a little tricky. Give me the proper punishment for everyone who donated to Vulgarity for charity this year. Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb, Cecil, and I'm going to say it's less tricky for me

than it would be for you. So here you go. Fuck you, you altruistic motherfuckers. You just had to blow the goddamn goal out of the water with your boundless generosity bullshit. Because somehow you looked at me, of all fucking people, and you you said you know a

guy who needs somebody to take away his anxiety binky this motherfucker right here so now I a man who cannot make it to airport security three times in a row without threatening to remove anyone's skin get to push those anxiety chips back on the fucking table and let them ride

forever knowing that the only thing that will end it is the sweet sweet kiss of death which statistically speaking won't come anywhere near as soon now that you charitable motherfuckers made me quit smoking so your punishment should have to be spending more than two minutes with me over the last three weeks

alright Cecil one for you what's the time for the crime of blowing off fireworks on days other than the 4th of July? Look, every premature firework ejaculator should just have to stop playing with their short wick. That's the key.

Lastly, Tom, give us the proper punishment for internet trolls. Okay, simple, actually. Internet trolls should have to just once say that to any of our fucking faces. Yes. Or alternately, try talking to a girl, you cowards.

They should have to say it to Tom's face, specifically. Okay, gents. Let's wrap this segment up with one last round for the big spenders. These folks dip deep in their pockets for goods, so they deserve our full attention. Let's begin with Eric, who gave us a thousand bucks to roast Kansas politician Chris Koblach. Okay, first of all, fuck

you for spelling Chris, K-R-I-S. Right. And fuck your ancestors for spelling Kobach, K-O-B-A-C-H. I hate you already, mostly for the Chris thing. But mostly, mostly, you're a literal neo-Nazi who wants Jim Crow laws

for Muslim people. Seriously. And you're definitely way too happy about your Chris Kobach Kansas monogram towels. That's why you went to Kansas.

I know. Oh, Chris Kobach looked like he's the only lawyer who advertises on TV on behalf of ICE on private property. Chris Kobach looks like he's never been to an Arby's without Hagrid's. Chris Kobach looks like Andrew Dice Clay came into a box of men's hair dye and nature did the rest. And the thing that you've got to remember about Chris Kobach is that the highest political office he ever attained was secretary of state in Kansas. He's never been in Congress.

He's never been a governor. We literally only know who he is because his bigotry stands out. Let me say that again. In the Republican Party of 2019 or whatever the hell year this comes out, Chris Kobach's bigotry stands out. Yeah. He never rose to the level of Sam Brownback. He's not quite that successful as a politician. Fuck you.

Okay. How about people jump on a roast for comedians who punch down thanks to the $900 grand priapism donated? I'm going to abstain because this is Cognitive Dissonance, a show about punching down. Comedians who punch down are miraculously lazy. In the age of Donald Trump, when your job is to speak truth to power,

if you have 15 minutes on trans kids wanting their rights too loudly, you're the bad guy and your comedy isn't a light on the absurd so much as it is a schoolyard bully attempting to make his mean taunts his career. Yeah, it's weird that grand priapism couldn't be bothered to just say Bill Burr, but whatever, yeah, it's fine. So comedians who punch down are like joining Doctors Without Borders,

but just so you can do plastic surgery. I don't know, I'm saying you're the opposite of the thing you're supposed to do At your job That's the perfect analogy Comedians who punch down are like atomic hot sauce Nobody gives a fuck Nobody likes you, you shouldn't exist And the only people willing to choke you down

Are assholes to begin with Ace gave us $75 But accidentally typed a 4 at the end of that With no decimal Wait, Ace donated an extra... Way too long. Seriously? $644.

$679. He donated extra money. Wow. Look, we don't need to give this man a roast. We need to get him a calculator. Ace, you are the Chinese-U.S. deficit of people. You are the rover slamming into the surface of Mars because a nerd forgot to carry the two of men.

And we love you for it, Ace. We love you for it. Also, you look like you tell 80s hairband drummers they're your dad for fun, and you have never not gotten away with it. First off, Ace, let's talk about that self-made nickname you got. You got sick of all your friend calling

you Tinky Pants or something and you just kept referring to yourself as Ace in the third person until that one guy that reluctantly talks to you agreed, Ace loves this gamer girl, Bathwater. Anyway, you're the kind of guy that carries one of those tiny fans around with you to blow your hair

around, so it takes the attention away from your ink pen stippling beard you call facial hair. And finally, how about Elliot, who gave us $1,900 to roast Lowering Taxes. Lowering Taxes is the hang gliding of money. I mean, sure,

it sounds great to stupid people but it's actually way more expensive than you think and the people who promise it to you don't care if you die and you end up broke because of medical bills it's a whole thing this is a great idea let's lower taxes i mean never mind that it never happens for you or for me or for anyone that we know. But let's just pretend. Let's lower those taxes, guys. Let's lower our taxes and our expectations and our humanity. Let's let it all go to shit.

Let's burn the idea that we're a goddamn society on the pyre of individual riches. Lower taxes. It's a great idea. Let's pretend we can do it all on our own. We'll build our own fucking schools. We'll build our own fucking roads. We'll build our own fucking roads. We'll build our own fucking hospitals. Let's lower the taxes and waive our slightly inflated paychecks right in the faces of those born into poverty and misfortune. Fuck it. Let's mock the elderly and the infirm. Let's have it all while we watch the goddamn world burn because we have nothing.

Because taxes are nothing less than our own economic agreement that we aren't selfish, mean-spirited animals. So let's go ahead and lower those fucking taxes. Great idea. Hey, I got an idea. You want to lower taxes? Let's increase taxes until fucking Atlas Shrugged happens

and then we'll lower them a little bit. Oh, wait. That's never come close to happening? And couldn't also couldn't Jesus Christ alright guys that is gonna wrap it up for this month's installment

we're gonna be back next month with the guys guys thanks for joining us thanks for having us so we want to thank our patrons of course we want to thank all our patrons we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons.

We want to thank our most recent patrons. Ken, goddamn dirty little cock-sucking asshole motherfucker. Jeez. Rose, Tony, Cameron, and Justin. Cameron, you get a mug. All you have to do is send your message to ian at dissonancepod.com or dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. Tell us your address

and we'll send you a mug, citation-needed mug. All you need to do is promise to listen to one episode of Citation Needed. The saddest little podcast that can't. Okay, so we want to cover some email. We got a bunch of messages suggesting MLM stuff.

A bunch of people had suggested The Dream, the podcast called The Dream. Tom and I have both listened to The Dream. We listened to the whole thing. It's excellent. It's a great podcast. We reached out to the lady, Jean Marie, I think her name is.

Jean Marie. We reached out to her, tried to reach out to her. We never received any message back. So if anybody has a contact and knows a little bit about her or knows her or knows somebody who knows her,

let us know and see if there's some way we can, you know, get a message to her because the things that we've tried have not yielded any results. But we would absolutely love to talk to Jean Marie from the Dream Podcast about MLMs. It would be amazing. We also got a message from Mike

and Mike sent in a message and said, hey, you should check out the film Betting on Zero. It's about Herbalife. I have watched this. Tom's probably going to watch it before we record. Very sad story about Herbalife. But then there's also like this weird sort of market angle with hedge funds. There's a lot of interesting little things that go through the, a lot of weaving. Not sure it's a good rug at the end, but they weave a lot. Can we do a deep dive on a happy topic sometime? I don't think so, Tom. I don't think so. We got, Johnny sent in a ghost story

that he said he was, he went outside about 17 years ago. It's getting dark, a little after dusk, steps outside. And then he looks and there's a ball of light. Orange ball of light looked about the size of a basketball. Don't know if it had to be bigger

via the distance, floating about 20 feet off the ground, making its way through the woods toward the road. And then the light bounced off the trees, illuminating them slightly. And then it appeared to be about 30 or so feet into the woods and then about 60 or 70 feet from the person. And then it basically just shot its ass down the road, about a half mile road, and then just shot up into the sky at an unbelievable speed. And he can't explain it.

And again, that's a common, a lot of people see lights in the woods. Lights in the woods are a relatively, you know, if I die and become incorporeal and I become a ghost and I get to express my ghost-like presence, I'm definitely going to make sure I do that in the fucking woods where no one can see. Like, I love the idea that like, there's like 9 million people living in New York and there's no fucking ghosts.

Where we see ghosts are where nobody lives. Nobody died. Nobody's around. There's no other pair of eyes that can be something that can, it's always by yourself. There's no fucking ghosts like running down the fucking 50 yard line at Giant Stadium.

You know what I mean? Why not? Why not? I'm shy. Are they all shy? I love attention. They all get to the urinal and they're like, I can't go if you That would be awesome though. Why not? I'm shy. Are they all shy? I love attention. They all get to the urinal. They're like, I can't go if you're standing next to me. We got a message from Angry Mac Face. They said, I'm confused about how they thank patrons.

Do they use their preferred names or do they just go with the dead names? We thank patrons based on their patron names. So we never read people's names aloud if their name isn't the name that's the patron name that they've signed up with Patreon with. So that's why somebody can sign up with you goddamn cock-sucking motherfucker and you'll read that.

And then other people will sign up with like their website name and other people sign up with just, you know, like Bill Loves Susie or, you know, opening arguments is a second, my second favorite podcast in comparison to Cognitive Dissonance or something like that. But yeah, like that's, that's why. So, so we, we don't read anybody's names or their, their, any names that are on like credit cards or anything. We're trying not to violate anyone's privacy. any names that are on my credit cards.

We're trying not to violate anyone's privacy. I almost always, too, I won't read emails out and I certainly won't read out people's last names. If people send in, I just don't read last names. We got a message from someone who didn't sign their email,

but they said, now I can't get a quote out of my head. This is from the Cal College we did. It's Ralph Wiggum saying, when I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University. That's the vegetarian episode. It's one of the best episodes of The Simpsons ever.

Your crazy friend's not crazy. They're just ignorant or whatever. I forget exactly what it was. It's amazing. It's so great. So funny. I love- The sluicing floor or whatever.

Oh, God. It's so good. There's a picture in there of the food shade. It's just all the animals with arrows pointing to the human body. That's so, oh God, it's so good. There's a picture in there of the food shade and it's just all the animals with arrows pointing to the human body. That's so great. It's amazing, so good. It's so great.

A bunch of people suggested an MLM expert of genetically modified skeptic. We're going to look into some of the videos and maybe we'll reach out to the person. But we haven't, I don't know this person, but I'll check out the videos and see if it's someone we want on the show. We also got a, Casey sent in a message and said, hey, check out this anti-Reddit, anti-MLM Reddit. And so there's an anti-MLM Reddit that we're going to check out

for the deep dive. Maybe it'll have some interesting stuff that we can take a look at. Ross sent in a message. I love this one. And he said, here's a skeptic in a scary circumstance. It's dark. He's going for a hike. Decide to go out, walk along. And then he starts hearing footsteps. And he's like, what the fuck? And they sound like they're getting closer. And he's walking.

And it sounds like as he speeds up, they speed up. And he's freaking out. He's freaking out. He's freaking out. And then he finally turns his light on. And he realizes he's in a valley. And it's an echo. Those are my favorite ghost stories. I know.

Where you're just like, yeah, I figured out what it was. I figured out what it was and it didn't. And now I'm not afraid of it. And now I kind of feel like dough. And the call was coming from call waiting. Oh, okay. Well, that's a, that's a perfectly natural thing happens, but add is going to wrap it up for this week. We are going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics. Creed credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter. Mommy issue. Hypno Babylon. Bullshit couched in scientician,

double bubble toil and trouble. Pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating, pressurized stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing water, downward spiral, brain dead pan sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Thank you. churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs.

Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption.

All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. you