Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 510: V4C 2019: Part 5

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Stories from the week

Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political. And there is no welcome at this is

episode 510 of Cognitive Dissonance. And we are proud to be recording this episode actually from Kansas City, Kansas, home of the Chiefs. Go Super Bowl number XMZYR2D2, Go Super Bowl number XMZYR2D2, whatever fucking number it's at. Kansas City, Kansas. Kansas City, Kansas. Woo! Go Chiefs!

It is a place. It is. It is defense. It is a place. He did get the fact that there is a Kansas City. It's just not in the right state. That is a bummer. Okay, swing and a miss on that one. He deleted that, which is interesting

because isn't this presidential communication, isn't it against the law for him to delete tweets? I thought they had some sort of bullshit thing where they're like, you can't do that. I know that it doesn't matter if he deletes it because it gets entered into the presidential record. And so we will go down in history with a presidential record

that includes hamburgers called Viva Fe and the Kansas City Chiefs making their way from Kansas all the way from Kansas to Missouri to play the game

where they're look you know one of them may have a fucking house in Kansas who knows how do we know they're not far

from one another and they both have a Kansas City admittedly it's confusing when you're fucking, when you have dementia. You know, you might want to get that right. But the thing is like a hundred percent.

Okay. Let me full fucking confession. I had no idea which Kansas City the Chiefs were from. Right. Yeah. But I did know that there were two Kansas Cities. So if I were to, let's say, be the president and need to tweet something out, I'd be like, oh, there's two of

them. I don't follow sports because I'm busy being the president. I have other things to do with my time. So, and I don't even, I would Google it because I'm not a goddamn moron. The thing is, he doesn't know there's two Kansas cities. Yes, you know, that's a problem. There are only three possible options. That's a problem. One, he's a fucking idiot, and he just thought the wrong thing. Two, he did not know there were two Kansas cities. Or three, he did know and just figured, eh, fuck it, I'll wing it.

Admittedly, very recently, I thought we went to Kansas and we didn't. So I really can't say much about the president because I know we went to Missouri and I thought they were the same place. Because they essentially are. I do want to talk though,

if we have a few minutes and I know we're going to have the scathing guys on later in the program. The Citation Needed crew will be all together to do a Vulgarity for Charity. We will be joined later on

by Andrew and Thomas of the Opening Arguments podcast. They're all going to be here talking, doing some roasts. And they're here the whole time. So they're roasting

the entire time. So it's going to be a great time. You're going to want to check it out. That's later on in the program. But I do want to talk for a few seconds

about the halftime show. Yep. So now, I know you're not a sports ball guy. You don't like the superb all. I get it. It's no worries. Yeah. I'm familiar with the controversy. I enjoyed the game. And then

I really enjoyed the halftime show. And I'm going to tell you why. A couple of reasons. Okay. One, I can say this without the halftime show. And I'm going to tell you why a couple of reasons. Okay. One, I can say this without reservation. Caliente. Wow. Two beautiful women who are in their low, lower forties and 50.

I mean, really beautiful women doing a, an amazing routine. They were not wearing a lot of clothes, which is a plus for me. So it was really great. I really enjoyed the routine that they did, but I want to talk about a couple of things that they did, which I thought were absolutely amazing. They played Born in the USA. And while they were playing it, a bunch of little Latina kids with American flag shirts were all singing Born in the USA along with her.

And they showed in the audience, kids that look And they showed in the audience kids that look like they were in bird cages singing along with them. Kids in cages? Kids in cages. Latino kids in cages? It was a little... Singing born in the USA?

Getting a little political there, J-Lo. Wait a minute. And then while she was singing born in the USA, people behind her opened what initially appeared to be an American flag, but it was actually

a Puerto Rican flag. But that's a different country, Cecil. Well, maybe not. Man. And, you know, not to discount, there were several times while they were singing that they were not singing in English. They were definitively,

there was a guy who came out and did a whole rap in Spanish. Just a whole rap. And I recognize this song because I have heard this song before, but I don't know what the fuck he's saying, but I loved it. I thought it was amazing. They're out there being multicultural unabashedly, and I thought it was great. I didn't know shit that there was a controversy about it until today. And I was talking to my wife as I was driving, and there's so many people up in arms about the halftime show like so many people and about all the things that you mentioned like the

puerto rican flag and like people speaking in spanish and like women and like uh dancing around and like people like being all fucking worked up that it's like oh my god it's not family friendly or what have you and it's like well on the friendly thing, like last year we had a dude like with low rise jeans, like rip his shirt off, like strut around with his fucking shirt off. And everybody was like, woo, give me some of that. But like now it's like a couple of like attractive women who are dancing around and it's not even all that provocative. No, it really wasn't. And people are all fucking up in arms and they're up in arms. Cause it's not even all that provocative. No, it really wasn't. And people are all fucking up in arms. And they're up in arms because it's like, wait a minute. I don't get to control that sexuality. And that's for me to control.

And I feel like that's when it becomes not family friendly. When it's a dude, it's family friendly, right? Yeah. I mean, really, to be honest, these haven't been very family friendly, depending. If you're talking about last year, that maroon five, one that dude pulls his shirt off. He looks like a Brad Pitt in fight club with his low rise jeans and his fucking bones poking out or whatever. Fucking asshole.

And then, okay. If anyone's wondering, I am legitimately jealous. No shit. Yeah. No, don't get me wrong.

I'm absolutely a million percent jealous. You can't see it through all this creme brulee I'm carrying around, but I'm jealous. Body by Bechamel. Exactly. But seriously, there's been, I mean, look back to Janet Jackson getting her shirt pulled down and she's got the pasty on and the titty pops out, the wardrobe malfunction, quote unquote. It's never been a family friendly thing. It's a bullshit complaint, right? On? You don't have somebody who's not overtly sexual, I guess. But okay. But again, if you're talking about a beautiful woman or a good looking guy,

yeah, they're going to take the shirt off. Yeah, they're going to dance. It's not for, I don't think the Super Bowl is marketed even toward little kids. I don't think it is either. Like I'm just saying it's like, it's a bullshit controversy.

It's drummed up by pearl-clutching fucking weirdos. They're mad about it. Who are like, I want to see ads for beer. I don't want to see people dancing around looking sexy. Watch the puppy bowl, man. Turn it on. Just flip it. Flip it during the game.

It's going to be a half an hour. It's going to be a half an hour start to finish. They're just going to have to deal with it. Watch the goddamn puppy bowl and clutch your pearls in private. A stupid witch who answers back must burn until her bones are black. No, no. A foolish witch without a prey must sizzle in the fiery flame. A bitch who dares to say I'm wrong will not be vicious very long.

What the devil? All right, so this story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog over at Patheos. Christian TV host Hillary Clinton may have murdered Kobe Bryant with witchcraft. Oh. This is amazing. It's actually a Christopher McDonald show. Real quick before you start it, Christopher McDonald is wearing a black shirt,

sweatshirt thing against a nearly black backdrop. So he actually looks like a floating head. So does the other guy. I mean, the other guy very much looks like a floating head. It looks like one of those really badly CGI movies that you see where there's a floating head. That's exactly what it looks like a floating head. It looks like one of those really badly CGI'd movies that you see where there's a floating head. That's exactly what it looks like.

Chris McDonald looks like a Heaven's Gate advertisement. He absolutely does. I was just thinking that because he's wearing a jumper. Right, yeah. If he's wearing those specific Nikes, I wouldn't be surprised.

He's got like a quarter in his pocket or whatever they had to have. Like 50 cents to pay the ferryman or whatever. Some weird have. Like 50 cents? Pay the ferryman or whatever or some weird ass. Do you even know who Kobe Bryant is?

Yeah, Kobe Bryant was a basketball player that died recently in a helicopter crash. He did. And he was a very good basketball player and his kid died with him.

His kid died with him as well. I know that. Yeah, okay. I just was curious if you even knew. I have no idea what team. I want to say Ohio.

No. Is not the answer. It's not the answer. But it was. What's the Ohio team that you would name? The one. What's the Ohio? Now we got to know.

Now we got to know. What's the Ohio team that would be in Ohio? If you were going to have an Ohio basketball team, Tom, what would it be? What do you think it would be? No, no. I would just pick a city. Just pick a city.

Okay, the Cleveland Cleavers. I have no idea. It's the Cleveland Cavaliers. I have no idea. I have no idea at all. Let's do this for a second. Now that we're in it, I'm going to give you a couple. What about Indiana?

And that's a whole state. So, Indiana. I don't know how to do this. Okay. What about Indiana? And that's it. That's a whole state. So, Indiana. The Hoosiers? No, the Pacers. Fuck. I thought the Hoosiers were a thing. We're going to see if you get one.

We're going to see if you get one. Okay. Very popular one. Golden State? Those are the Warriors. Ah, you got it. You got it. I don't know why I know that.

Golden State Warriors. Probably because you heard it a bunch if they won a championship. You heard it a bunch. Okay. All right. All right. How about... This is a fun game.

Let's see. How about the Miami team? Oh. It's not the Dolphins. It is. The Dolphins are football. So you did get one. You're close.

I'm like trying to figure... A football time is oblong and a basketball is round. In my head, I'm like... This is... I'm like, here's what you're doing. This is like'm like, I'm like, here's what you're supposed to do. It's like my favorite. I'm like, here's what my head's doing.

Miami Dolphins, Miami Beach, Miami Vice. I'm just like thinking of like, the Miami Vice would be an amazing name for a team. Oh my God. Why hasn't somebody been the Miami Vice? I have no idea. Oh, so good. The manatees.

It's the heat. The Miami heat okay it's really more humid but if I get it yeah it's uncomfortable yeah

anyway I can't make money I'm just glad I'm just glad you got the it's Lakers he was a Laker okay

for his whole career I would have sworn he was from Ohio it was at least a majority of his career if it was in the whole career wasn't there like a thing where like he left Ohio

when people were mad at him there no you're thinking of LeBron James it's a different guy they're both black though this doesn't seem racist Wasn't there like a thing where like he left Ohio when people were mad at him there? No, you're thinking of LeBron James. It's a different guy. They're both black though. This doesn't seem racist at all for you to say that.

Jesus Christ, Tom. I have no idea who these people are. That's fine. You don't know. You don't know. So you just thought it was the same guy. Okay. So let's play this clip. This is the Mick Files and he's talking about killing,

I guess the murder of Kobe Bryant, which the helicopter did a great job. I don't even think you need to clean it up. Those are really efficient when they want to be. Let me make a wild theory. This is just, and there's only wild conspiracy theory I'm ever going to toss out there on this program.

And I normally don't do this, but I'm going to ask you this, just a food for thought question. We all know that it's a pretty much given that Mrs. HRC, look, I've had Corey's Cody Snodgrass on this show. Somebody named Snodgrass? Corey Snodgrass sounds like somebody who would tie someone to a railroad track. Are you kidding me? It's a well-known fact that I had somebody nobody ever fucking heard of on this show to spout off of the fucking mouth a bunch of gibberish bullshit.

And that's going to establish our next set of facts. He's got a trench coat on and a fedora pulled down really low. He laughs like this. His mustache twirls fucking beyond. He's twisting his mustachio and he's got a girl tied to the tracks. He hates talking moose.

Damn you, snide grass! That's told me stories. He's told me stuff off camera that would make people's hair curl about Hillary Rodham Clinton. Well, why wouldn't he say it on camera? Oh, libel. That's why.

Like, I love the idea. It's like, well, I once talked to somebody who lied about something, so now that's the truth. It's like, well, I once talked to somebody who lied about something. So now that's the truth. What the fuck? Hey, Christopher McDonald has a flying unicorn that he keeps in his ass. It's like a unicorn Pegasus.

It's a unicorn. It's an anal unicorn Pegasus that is pegging him. Man, that's like a double rainbow. I'm going to cry. Like, just saying stuff doesn't make stuff more true. Oh, man. So, we may have told this story on the air.

I don't know if we did or not, but you and I went to college with a guy who said he was the heir to a meatpacking fortune, and he wanted us to drop him off a block away from his house because he was in Secret Service. He was in witness protection. Yeah, witness protection.

He was in witness protection. That's what he said. I almost fucking killed him. He never said anything that was true. No. He was the most, like, he would tell these crazy outlandish stories where he was just like, there's no way that happened. Why are you saying that?

Yeah, Kai, you got to drop me off here. I'm in witness protection. I was like, why did anyone ever pick him up? Why would anyone ever pick this man up again? Oh, Jesus. I remember that. But, you know, yeah, you could say anything. There's no price to saying anything.

Right. Now, there is a price if you have to say it on camera, which the guy won't do. Clearly, this Whipley Snidelash or whatever his name is, he's not going to say it on camera because he knows there's consequences to that. I think with public figures, it seems like there's no limits to the shit you can say.

It really feels like that, especially these guys with these internet channels. Yeah. I am distressed. There's no recourse to the insanity. Like I get freedom of speech. I like, I'm a proponent of freedom of speech, but at some point, like you can't just make up crazy, wild, outlandish bullshit without ever having to answer for your claims, especially if they're factual claims. I should be held accountable or you should have some mechanism. But if you're a public figure, it's just like, oh, well're factual claims. I should be held accountable or you should have some mechanism.

But if you're a public figure, it's just like, oh, well, you know, I mean, fuck you. You're public. And that's it. I genuinely think you can say Rush Limbaugh has cancer, because it's true. We found out today that Rush Limbaugh has advanced lung cancer. But then you can't say, at least you shouldn't

be able to say, and you should probably get prosecuted or taken to court if you say Rush Limbaugh fucks kids. The problem is these guys get away with all the time. Hillary Rodham Clinton eats kids. Hillary Rodham Clinton fucks kids. Hillary Rodham Clinton sleeps

with kids in her bed, and she touches them inappropriately. I mean, they say this all the time, and they get away with it. There's no recourse whatsoever. And I don't know if it's that Hillary realizes that there's only 35 people that listen to the Mick files. Right.

So she even, because right, White Watch is probably amplifying their brand in a huge way. But the fact is, is she thinks, I'm just going to call more attention to it if I sue a guy who has nothing. Yeah. And I'm going to call more attention to the fact that people think I fuck kids.

Yeah, I don't think you're wrong about that. But I am not, I'm not sure like, it doesn't seem like public figures have any significant recourse. I mean, like, because look at the crazy shit you used to see on the fucking inquiry stuff.

I know. Me too. Oli Domogard agrees. I've had people that don't even follow this stuff tell me that she's a witch. People have told me that you told me Nancy Pelosi's a witch. Can a witch, Corey, cast a spell on something like this? Can a witch cast a spell so witchy she can't witch it? How much witch could a witch witch if a witch could witch witch?

Could a witch cast a spell at witch witch? Oh, she did. And not be, you know, and I'm just throwing that out. I don't know anything about this stuff. You do. Is that possible? That something, if she wanted to get rid of Kobe, and I'm not, please, right-wing watch, don't be putting me and Corey or saying

this. This is just a food for thought question. Do you think Hillary would be able to do it if she wanted to do it? Okay, now they never get to his answer. What were you going to say, Tom? Why in the world would Hillary Rodham Clinton want to kill Kobe Bryant? What in the world? How in the world

are they connected? What are you talking about? Do you think that you would have a better target? You know, if you're Hillary Clinton, is it that what you do is indiscriminate because you can't control your witch powers? If that's the case, you might as well get a box delivered to you in the mail

that you can flip a switch on and get a million dollars for. I know, right? Because if your powers are so indiscriminate that you can flip a switch on and get a million dollars for. I know, right? Because if your powers are so indiscriminate that you literally cannot control who you murder with your witchcraft, then why ever do it? Because it could be one of your loved ones.

Right. Instead, you know, she would have to have some sort of beef with Kobe. I know. And she clearly likes sexual assaulters. Her husband is one. So I don't know what kind of beef they would possibly have.

Did he like beat her in like a rousing game of horse or something? He's dunking on Hillary. Just over. He's like, he fucking posterizes her. He's like, boom! Fucking tomahawk dunk from the fucking free throw line. And she's just standing there with her arms up.

And then she breaks in half. He's swatting the fucking bowl throw line. And she's just standing there with her arms up and then she breaks in half. He swung the fucking ball out of her hands. He's like, get that weak shit out of here. What is fucking happening? Oh, I would love that so much. That would be the best. Can you imagine being a witch so powerful that you can make a helicopter crash,

but you can't just make his heart stop while he's asleep? Yeah, it's collateral damage. You killed a 13-year-old kid too. A whole bunch of people. Like nine people died in that crash. Just like, yeah, but fuck you, Kobe. I'm the good guy now. Yeah. So, um, yeah, that's obviously that's the downside, but you know, after three days, we bring you back to life. And from that point on, uh, it's a slam dunk three days i gotta be down sir

i you know i said three days in the prophecies but um you know there's fudge room we could have we could put you down late friday uh all saturday and then uh you know raise you up at the crack of dawn on sunday so 36 hours tops 35 if we did it on the week that they uh set the clocks forward so this is this is related, Tom. Yeah, this is from the Freethinker blog over at Patheos. Prophet asked for $50 million to resurrect Kobe and his daughter. So this is kind of great. This is an African preacher, and he says,

Hey, look. What's his name? Nigel Gacy. And he's from Ghana. And I want to read to you what he said. So he said, the Lord just took me into the spirit world and I've seen a great man.

All right, I already don't believe you. No, all right. Yeah, no, I don't believe you. I know you guys couldn't get ahold of me from like three to 415 or something. I was in the spirit world. I had no service. Spirit world.

No service. I tried to do a selfie Instagram thing there. Great feel, though. I mean, just. So good. So good. It's not even born yet. It's so good.

And I've seen a great man fall. This news will shake the entire world because of how great this man is. Okay. All right. I mean, seen a great man fall, this news will shake the entire world because of how great this man is. Eh? Okay. All right. I mean, I did get a text alert on my phone, I guess. Same thing.

I got a text alert. It's like, Kobe Bryant's dead. And then I had dinner. And then he had to Google Kobe Bryant. Didn't even bother. I vaguely, the name sounded vaguely sportsy. And I was like, eh, whatever. Whatever.

Sports people die. Yeah, everybody dies. Everybody dies. It was like, eh, whatever. Whatever, sports people die. Yeah, everybody dies. Everybody dies. It's like, whatever. There's not going to be a text when I die. I want there to be. I want there to be like a- I want there to be a text alert when I go.

If you could pay extra for a text alert, that'd be awesome. I'm going to do that. All I want is to live a life notorious enough that somebody gets a text alert when I die. And not like you. You know what I mean? I just want them to get an amber alert.

I know there's going to be one of those silver alerts. I'll just be all confused, driving around in circles. Just fuck. I see a lot of people on social media talking about the man for weeks to come, and I see a lot of sad faces. America, will mourn this great man, the Lord that instructed me to announce to the family of this man.

The American embassy in Ghana and the entire world, that he, the Lord, me to announce to the family of this man, the American embassy in Ghana and the entire world that he, the Lord, has not sanctioned the death of this man. So, he died like against God's will? No, he just didn't fill out the paperwork and triplicate. Okay. Yeah, see, that's where you go wrong every time. And then you gotta go to the waiting room and

Beetlejuice is there. And you sprinkle something on your head. I've seen that movie. It's a documentary. So God said to the preacher, Nigel, tell the family of this man and tell the entire world,

should they agree to pay my tithes and offerings, I will use you as a vessel to bring this man and his daughter back to life. Okay. All right.

I'm starting to get a little suspicious. I don't know about you, but I'm starting to get a little suspicious. The man is worth $500 million. Should the family agree to give

10% of his income to me, I will bring back the... That's not bad. I happen to be the convenient money-spending vessel. Not Doctors Without Borders. Just give it to me and I'll promise that I'll bring it up to Jesus next time we hang out.

I'll be like, oh, man, you know what? It's so funny, Jesus. I have this, like, enormous briefcase full of money for you to use in heaven. What? You know, if you're Mrs. Bryant, get a fucking receipt. Yeah. It didn't work. Okay.

Yeah. And then he work. Okay. Yeah. And then he's like, no, no. What you need to do is you need to go get a million likes, a million shares,

a million thoughts, a million prayers. Come back to me and then we'll talk. Then we'll talk. Like don't half-ass this shit. I don't want, I don't want you to.

Yeah. I feel like the clock is ticking because I did read that like at least a couple of days after the plane, the helicopter crashed, they hadn't yet collected the body because he crashed in such a remote area. Oh, yeah. And that's in California.

And that just starts to get a little pet cemetery after about 24 hours. You got to get the body to Miracle Max really quickly so he can put the chocolate pill in their mouth. And then. this story i thought was fucking fake man this is from the independent i totally thought it was fake too but and i also thought it was old because i thought i remember hearing about this in the back in the day but it's not old it's and it's got some disturbing details yeah yeah religious woman drove into oncoming traffic to test her faith. Her faith. Her faith.

So this is a fucked up story. So this woman's driving along and she's praying for a few hours while she's driving along. And then she's like, you know, I'm going to test my faith and drive through the next car that I see. Through the next car that I see. She sees a car and she just, it's just not like Jesus take the wheel and she crashed. She purposely drove head on into another car to test her faith. And like when the cops showed up,

she was not terribly injured. Some other people were injured, but it sounds like everybody's going to be okay. But like when the cops showed up, she was like unapologetic about the whole thing. She's like, yeah, did it to test my faith. And if people in the other car were injured, well well no big god would take care of him if that happened just a callous yeah horrifying disregard yeah for other people driving under the influence

in this case but this is the influence of jesus is dangerous there's no we talk about the jesus take the wheel there was somebody in the past who's done that. And that's what I thought this story was another version of that. But you're right. She tries to drive her car. Like fucking, I dream a genie through another car. Like I read this.

I'm like, do you think you're driving a ghost car? Like you're just going to like pass through them. Like you're on the fucking Harry Potter night bus. Unbelievable. What the fuck? Well, and, and you, you hope that, just going to like pass through them like you're on the fucking Harry Potter night bus? Unbelievable. Well, and you hope that they treat this in the courts as if it were sort of attempted homicide. Yeah. I really hope that they go out of their way to make sure that they try to try this crime as a serious crime and not as a hand wave.

Oh, well, she was just doing something religious and we can always forgive religious people because that's what happens in this country more often than not. To their credit,

like, the judge denied her bail saying that she was a danger to the public because she's a goddamn danger to the public. She fucking is. She purposely drove her car

head on into another car. I don't think, like, playing chicken is part of life. Although, God made Abraham do it. Yeah, into another car. I don't think like playing chicken is part of like, although God made Abraham do it. Yeah, it's true. I think God, yeah, you know, it's funny because I remember talking to a priest once and him trying to tell me that his God is not Loki.

He doesn't try to play tricks on you. He doesn't try to do that stuff. That's not my God, he said. And I never pushed him on it because I don't care. But my thought was, yeah, he fucking is. Yeah. Fuck you not my God, he said. And I never pushed him on it because I don't care. Right. But my thought was, yeah, he fucking is. Fuck you. Fucking yes, he is. Your God is Loki. Your God is trying to trick you. Your God clearly faked some shit to make us all think that he's not real so that we go to hell. So he tricks us into going to hell. I won't go into hell because we won't believe in him in blind faith? Get the fuck out of here.

Your God is fucking Loki, if that's the case. Your God is a little worse because there's no fun to it. Yeah, there's no fun. Mischief has a connotation of it being somewhat fun. No, this is just shitty. At some point with mischief, you're in on the joke too.

But tell that to Job. Yeah, right. I'm covered in boils and everyone I. But like, tell that to Job. Yeah, right. Yeah, he's gonna- I'm covered in boils and everyone I love is dead. Well, tell that to Abraham. Oh, I know. He fucking had to

almost kill his son. Right. Scientists claim to have found traces of gold in the urine of an indigenous cow breed. Samples show that there are 10 to 30 milligrams

of gold in a liter of urine. Seems too good to be true, but it's no moot point. Fuck it. This is from the India Times. Coronavirus. While China looks for a cure, Hindu Mahasabha says cow urine cures

the disease. Don't go here if you want to see the photo. That's so disgusting. It is unpleasant. God damn, that's nasty. That looks like bush light. That cow is shaved. That cow is shaved. That doesn't even look like bush light. That cow is shaved. It doesn't even look like a corona. So this is what he said,

just so that there's no misinterpretation, right? Consuming cow urine and cow dung will stop the effect of infectious coronavirus. A person who chants Om Namah Shivay and plows cow dung will stop the effect of infectious coronavirus. A person who chants Om Namah Shivay and plows cow dung on the body will be saved.

A special Yajna ritual will soon be performed to kill coronavirus. You should just do that now. Move that up on the schedule. If you got a Yajna ritual that can kill it, get on it, motherfucker.

What are you waiting for? What, do you got to get on fucking Hardee's and likes? Fuck you. for what do you gotta get on fucking hardies and likes fuck you can we do that before lunch of cow dung exactly do it before I have to fucking chug this fucking half liter of cow piss what the fuck is wrong with you

well I like to the like okay you can drink some piss and eat some poop okay do you have other options you can put the poop on your body and sing a song I'll put the poop on my body? You can put the poop on your body and sing a song. I'll put the poop on my body and sing a song. Like poop on the body and sing a song. Whatever song you want me to sing. I'm a little teapot.

Whatever the fuck you need me to do. No kidding. I'm not consuming it. Could you imagine doing shooters of fucking cow piss? Get the fuck out of here. God, I would rather die from coronavirus than drink shooters of cow piss and then die from coronavirus. I'll tell you what. I don't know if I would rather die from coronavirus than drink shooters of cow piss and then die from coronavirus. I'll tell you what,

I don't know if I'd rather die, but I do know I'd take my fucking chances. Yeah, exactly. I'd be like, that's what I mean, is because if I'm going to die from coronavirus, I'm going to die with a taste of cow piss in my mouth or not. So I'd rather just not. How about not? What the fuck? These fucking people with all their fake cures

for everything that shows up. We've covered the cow urine thing. They just, it's like, it's fucking magical cow urine. This is the juicing of India. Because here it's juicing, right? It's what you have to, in our case,

it's a very privileged, juicing is actually a very privileged thing because it's expensive as fuck. Juicing isn't cheap. So you got to own a fucking device that's like purpose made for juicing. And then you have to go out and buy stuff to juice. And most of the people who do that, they go out of their way to make sure that they don't get stuff that's conventionally grown. Because they are, that mindset is already into the organic mindset. So they'll go out and buy, they'll go to Whole Foods and drop $100

on a fucking eight ounce glass of juice. Right. It is an unbelievable level. And it's 900 gallons of water to clean the juice. Yeah. It's at least 900 gallons of water to clean one juice. I always marveled at the fact and how much money people spend on those things.

And then you say, well, can't you just buy a thing of carrot juice at the store? And they'll say, well, that's not the same thing. It wasn't freshly juiced. And you have to wonder what happens. Is it like float up the good stuff just floats away in the air? You can't capture it.

There's no way to capture it because I'm sure they have better safeguards than just an open glass under a spout. That's what you're doing. I know. Yeah. I love, Juicy has always struck me as like,

what? It's only 50 times the calories and none of the fiber? Exactly. When I get to do the work myself and clean up. Oh, what a great deal. It's literally all the drawbacks of everything it's

not like people like you get all the good stuff you don't get all the good stuff fiber is some of the good stuff yeah fiber is and you don't need all those calories it's like nobody needs because the thing is like people aren't juicing primarily vegetable matter they're because that's fucking disgusting right they're not like i had a glass of kale today. No, nobody does that. Instead, they're like, I put like six apples in here and like an orange and two bananas and then like one spinach and a carrot. And you're like, all right.

So that is just, that's just sugar. You're just drinking sugar bobs. Yeah, yeah. And it's funny because the way you describe it is perfect. Yeah. And it's funny because the way you describe it is perfect. Even if you did fucking juice an entire glass of kale, it's still not as good as eating a kale. Right. Right? It's still not as good because the whole component makes sense. You're eating it, you're getting all those nutrients. It's not like you're adding, the juicer isn't adding

nutrients somehow. It's not like you infuse the juicer with nutrients and then it shits nutrients out into your juice. If only my body were equipped with something to crush and crush and crush to like masticate it. Wait a minute. Exactly. I have a mouth for that. Well, you know, what's interesting is it's also,

like I was saying, it's one of those things that's, and you have to be incredibly privileged to do it. But it's, we, that's sort of the thing we go to. That's the go-to thing. One of the go-to things in the States, they'll talk about as a sort of a cure-all for lots of different things. And you were saying here,

you just juice a different part of the cow. Because you can juice a cow. Right. And you get a white substance out of it, but instead you want to juice. No, there's a white substance that comes out of a cow too, Tom.

You've been pulling on the wrong cow. That's the thing. Wrong or right. I don't know. The cow liked it. The cow had big ass horns. I made a lot of friends with cows. Big horns on that cow. Anyway,

you just juice it from a different area. You got to stand in a different zone. One udder. I always thought it was weird. Just one udder. You just flick that thing and it just starts going. But you lift the tail up and then you use it like a pump, like an old timey water pump.

You just move the tail up and down. We got to prime it for a while. But that's their go-to is, oh yeah. Just, you know, it's also the go-to here in the States is rub a little dirt on it there. It's drink a little piss on, you know, drink a little, drink a little cow urine on it. Well, they have magic animals. If that's true, that is true. The thing is like they have magic animals. And if like cow piss was a cure for things, magic animals. And if like cow piss was a cure for things, the roads in India wouldn't look like that. I'll tell you what, if cow piss was a cure for anything, there would be pills of cow piss you would drink. Oh, for sure. Oh, you'd pop cow piss because fucking the Sackler brothers would have figured out a way to monetize it. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we don't have a story for

this, but we do want to talk about this week in Trump. We are recording this early. So we fully expect that Trump will be acquitted by the Senate on Wednesday. I think it's Wednesday. They have already done some of the closing arguments. Last week after we recorded, they said we're not

going to see any witnesses. There was some swingers that did vote. So two Republicans did vote to see, witnesses. There was some swingers that did vote. So two Republicans did vote to see, but it's suspected and it really feels pretty obvious that they voted in those cases because they knew for sure there was not going to be an opportunity for them to actually see witnesses. They did it. Mitch McConnell let them do it is more the case. Yeah. Yeah. They, they waited until they already had this secure knowledge that there were 51 votes against.

Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, all right. Yeah. Add my name to the pile of, Hey, I'm on your side guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Reason and transparency just so long as it's politically convenient. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking bullshit. Yeah.

And, and, uh, really what's, this is, this is going to be a very difficult time because it shows that the president can essentially do a lot of different things, and that's not an impeachable offense. And a lot of things that we thought were against the law and should be, at least against what you should be removed from office for, high crimes and misdemeanors. Yeah, I mean, we've essentially come out and said that the idea of an abuse of power

is insufficient. There is no abuse of power unless it rises to some criminal statute. And that really was one of the central arguments is like, look, he didn't commit a crime in the criminal statute sense. That's like, well, he's not getting fucking thrown in jail. That's not the standard that's written in the Constitution.

Yeah. Like, he's not on trial for a crime. This is not a criminal trial. If he lost, he wasn't going to go to jail. If he lost, he's just going to not be president anymore. Yeah. So, like, we get to decide. And I think it was intentionally

by the framers. I'm not a big like, what do the framers think? But like, the language seems to be pretty open in the sense that it's like, look,

the mores of the day will at some point require us to interpret this. So like, it would have been very simple to be like, yeah, if he commits a crime,

period. But they didn't write it that way. They wrote it in a much more open-ended kind of way. And so what we've done is we've closed that circle. And we've said, all right, here's the deal. The president's your fucking emperor. You hire him for four years, and he is your fucking emperor. He gets to do what he wants.

He's got, yeah, he's got the power of the pen, so he can just sign over anything he wants. Any executive order he wants. Shoot fucking missiles wherever he wants to shoot fucking missiles. Like, what are, like genuinely, and I mean this, like, are there any significant limits to the president's power now? I mean, I know that there are, but they're, I mean, they're eroding daily. They're fucking eroding daily. And we've just stood up and said, does not matter.

If it's for his own personal political gain, fuck it. Let him use my money. Let him use my fucking taxpayer money. Somehow that's not even like an election, like a FEC violation. How is that not like, how is that not,

if he uses my money, my taxpayer money to leverage the Ukraine, how's that not a campaign finance violation? How is that not like, how is that not, if he uses my money, my taxpayer money to leverage the Ukraine, how's that not a campaign finance violation? I don't understand. And I'm sure there's an answer to it because otherwise smarter people than me would have pursued it. But at the end of the day, what I know is that we have a corrupt man in office and he's running again. And this does not seem to affect his base at all. It doesn't really change their mind. In fact, one of the people on the other side of the coin, I think it was a senator. I don't know. It was a woman senator or a woman House of Representatives.

So between the two houses, if she's a Republican, that's like six people. So I'm sure we can find out who it was. But she had said something to the effect of, well, now all bets are off. I can't wait until there's a Democratic president and there's a Republican Congress because we're going to impeach them. We're going to impeach anybody we can. We're going to do exactly what they did to us. It's going to be an impeach off.

And so now it's an impeach. Now they've taken this as a way to say, now we can just impeach whoever we want, even though, and now since the Senate didn't act, right? Because if the Senate acted and said, no, those are good enough, that's good enough stuff. And then they acted. Well, then that's a different story, right? But if it comes to no fruition, then they'll say, great, well, we're just going to do it all the time then. We're just going to do it to every president. We're going to get stuck in a position unless we routinely, and this is scary too, because like our whole checks and balance system is completely broken.

Our government is broken right now. Yeah. And I don't know how it gets better. Yeah. But like, unless the House, the Senate, and the executive branch are all the same party, we effectively have a government of no governance. We won't be able to accomplish a fucking thing

because everybody's just going to stymie everybody else. Everybody's just going to cock block. Everybody's just going to change the rules to their advantage in the short term. And then the next guy is going to be like, well, you gave my guy a hard time. I'm giving your guy a hard time and nothing is going to get done. We are going to solve none of the important problems of this country until this country fucking collapses. And the difference is like when this country collapses, we'll bring the rest of the fucking world down with us because we're the biggest economic superpower still around. Yeah.

So like, you're all going to eat our shit. Yeah. That's how that works. And it's horrible. Yeah. And I don't think we're going to fix it. Well, I think the only way you can, we talked about this many times,

is you need to get somebody in there to control all three and say, I'm going to limit my power right now. Yeah. I'm going to limit my power because I think the president is too powerful. I am going to limit it from now on in future generations, you know, so that where there's not going to be an opportunity to abuse this power like there was in the past. And I think that's the only way you have to do it. You can't, you can't do it any other way and you need to sweep. And I don't think you're gonna, I think, You know, I mean, you got to get out there and vote. And I know that there's a lot of people that are still energized. And they're going to be energized by this too. You know, you say that the other side is going to be energized because of this, but not his base is

going to be energized too. They're going to be pissed about this. And they're going to be pissed for a long time about this. And I do not think that there is a person out there on the Democratic side that's left that is not going to eat Trump's lunch when it comes to the debates. Because I think they're way, way smarter than he is. And I think he's showing some serious decline in the last four years. I don't think he's as smart or at least as witty as he once was. I think he's genuinely degenerating.

It's pretty obvious when you hear him talk, he feels very different than when he was on the campaign trail. So he can't talk to that debate crowd like he does his rallies. Those rallies are a different animal. And he's been practicing rallies for three years. And he's been keeping up the rallies

and doing the rallies and doing the rallies, but that's a different audience. That's true. He can't come out and try to swing that at a debate stage unless it's at Fox News. I imagine they're going to just laugh at him and boo him off. And so he will get, he'll look like an idiot. Now, don't get me wrong.

The idiots that he's screaming out to out in the audience that are watching the debates, the six of them that have television reception, he already had his base. He doesn't need to convince anybody. I think what he's going to do is convince anybody that's a fence sitter that he's dangerous. And they're going to point out all the points that he's dangerous. I hope you're right, man. I think that's what's going to... Now, don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean that you win without a lot of work. And I think that what people need to do, because

when we record... Like I said, we're recording this Monday. It's probably going to be acquitted on Wednesday. Everybody's going to have the big sads for a couple days, but I'm telling you right now, what you need to do on... This is going to be releasing on Monday the following week. What you need to do is if you have money,

donate money to a candidate. If you have time, donate time to a candidate. And don't just do it in the primaries. If your candidate doesn't make it, and let's say you don't want to go out and canvas for Amy Klobuchar because God knows I don't,

I may still chip a few bucks at Amy Klobuchar at the end of the day. If Amy Klobuchar is the, is the person who they pick, she's, her and Biden are handholding at the very bottom for me. Right. But if either one of them gets chosen, I'm probably going to pitch some money at one of them because I want to see this not happen. So I will do what I can. I don't have time, but I can give some money and we'll donate something to make sure that that doesn't happen. And so I urge everybody out there to think about that going forward.

It's the, you know, if you can work a call center, work a call center. Because being involved in politics this year is what's the difference between saving the planet and not saving the planet. This is like, it's literally the time because four more years of Trump is a disaster for the environment

beyond repair. And I mean that. It's beyond repair. You will not be able to repair the damage that is done in these next four years if you let Trump still. I don't even know if you can anyway.

Right. But you certainly can't with Trump because Trump will not let anything happen. He's going to have a bunch of dishwashers that are shitting water everywhere. And he can't stop himself. He's going to have cars that run on water and gasoline.

They just shit water and gasoline everywhere. But anyway, he's not he's somebody who absolutely, it's literally a crisis. So if you can be motivated, you should be. Hey everybody. Tom and Cecil wanted me to let everyone know that Adam and Eve is having its big Valentine's Day special and that we should release an ad that's a little more sexy.

So here it goes. Yeah. Uh-huh. Hey, everybody. Hey. Do you like free stuff? Yep. Wow.

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Use the code. Because without it, there will be no free Valentine stuff. And you know you want to get stuffed. Like a mushroom. That's glory at adam and eve dot com um use code glory thanks Well, it's this month's installment for Vulgarity for Charity, and we're joined with our friends in atheist podcasting. Fuck you! Sorry, I got excited.

And what would an atheist podcast be if it didn't obsess about a suicidal Jew? So here's one with his two disciples, Eli, Noah, and Heath. Hey guys, welcome to the show. Thank you, Tom's assistant. Thank you very much. Fuck you, Cecil.

I went early. Forgive him. Forgive him, Cecil. He's kind of my Peter. I don't want to get into it red hot and fiery and you know we would have never raised the funds we did this year without the support

of our friends in podcasting who reached out to their listeners as well as ours to chip in to do some good and Andrew and Thomas over at Opening Arguments

did such a good job we need to have them back on the show just to get in all their special requests so without further ado, please welcome back the funny guy from Opening Arguments and the other guy who constantly

interrupts him with all the boring legal stuff, Thomas and Andrew. Thanks for coming by. Wait, holy shit. Have you guys been sitting there this whole show? Are you kidding? I have two kids under three. That's the most that intro is the most sleep I've gotten in months. And Noah, you know better than to ask that.

I mean, I am always listening whenever Eli is on the air at this point. I mean, that's just liability insurance right there. I didn't realize you were on our Citation Needed episodes. That's good. Now I don't have to edit out the N words. That's good. Okay, anyway, Thomas and Andrew,

not only did we save the special request your generous listeners sent in for your second appearance, we also saved all the podcast drama because, damn it,

if you guys aren't coming down with us, so are you guys ready? I mean, this will be my first experience with bitchiness in podcasting. I can't believe

we'd have an armature like him on the show. Damn it, Tom took my armature joke. Okay, first up, Waiting for Wrath donated $100 for us to roast their show. Have at it. I greatly appreciate that the Waiting for Wrath podcast decided that they were going to donate $20 for every host on the show and $50 for every listener to the show. Oh, Jesus. No, no, look.

No, I'm kidding, guys. Look, I'm just happy that there's a podcast out there that is filling that important void of white atheists who drink beer. Thank you. That's a super important niche, guys. Yeah, next they're going to grow beards and really stand out.

All right. No shit. No, I like Waiting for Wrath. They really fit their namesake. I, next they're going to grow beards and really stand out. All right. No shit. No, I like Waiting for Wrath. They really fit their namesake. I mean, they're less of a podcast and more waiting for downvotes on Reddit. It's good. It really fits them.

All right. Another round for Andrew. Anne and Richard want a roast of Dr. Steven Novella. And Sam would like a roast of Robert Evans from Behind the Bastards podcast. Oh, well, Ann and Richard, thank you for

supporting Vulgarity for Charity. I'm kind of surprised you didn't ask us to roast the state of Kentucky or Tennessee or whatever shithole you guys live in. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, I'm distracted. Steve Novella. Okay. Steve Novella looks like Mike Pence got

a hold of the duplicating machine from Multiplicity, and I do not mean that he is the first copy. Okay? Oh, shit. And I'm going to pass on Robert Evans because he won't return my fucking email. So, Thomas? I'll take Robert Evans. I don't know this guy, but just looking at his Twitter pic, I can tell you he 100% has made home videos of himself

playing with some sort of sword. That's fine. Shit, I forgot Cecil is here, which is awesome. Am I right, guys? No, it's fucking fine. That is totally fucking radical. So my point is I don't even have a roast because this guy is just too fucking rad,

is what I meant to say. So pass. All right. Swords are is what I meant to say. So pass. All right. Swords are cool. Fuck you, Thomas. Well done. Okay. Let's not let them have all the fun, though.

Eli, Brian would like a roast of Joe Rogan. Keith, Lori would like a roast of the dollop. And Noah, Bryce Blakenagle would like a roast of Brandon Ham. Braden Ham. Sorry, Braden Ham. Sorry, Braden Ham. Oh, Brian, thank you so much. Let's see. Joe Rogan looks like a Stretch Armstrong filled with racist marble.

A lot of people forget that Joe Rogan was the host of Fear Factor. Spoiler alert, the answer was trans people. But hey, Joe is not all bad. I can now definitively say I know who my least favorite Bernie Sanders supporter is, so that's good. Right? He's found the floor. Yeah, so

I don't really get that. I don't listen to your show. It's not a very good show. I'm not sure why anyone wants to hear white dudes try to make jokes about history topics that they don't really know about. Seems dumb. Also,

you guys look like you're about to open for David Smalley at a yuck yucks in Nevada. So right on Heath, the doll is just two dudes laughing at each other's jokes. All right. So I got the one you haven't heard of. So you know how Bryce Blankenagle is the only person on his Naked Mormonism show, but you still kind of think of him as the co-host? All the humans in the world except Bryce Dye still seems like a sidekick.

Well, Brayden Ham is Bryce's sidekick. Brayden is so profoundly unmemorable that he has to include a middle initial before his mom knows who's calling. He's so forgettable

I can't even finish this roast because I've already forgotten who the fuck I'm talking about. That's amazing. All right. Now, luckily for you, we didn't just bring you on to destroy your business relationships. Several people requested you set your sights on friends and foes alike.

Quite a few people wanted a roast of Devin Nunez in a variety of forms. Eli, you're first up. Lady Silent would like you to roast Devin Nunez as Devin Nunez Cow. Oh, well, hello there. I'm Devin Nunez's cow. And boy, am I glad to have my lawyer present when I say the only thing Devin Nunez has ever grown was more and more ridiculous. The only thing he's ever reaped was his just desserts.

And he looks like the kind of guy that could sue Twitter for $250 million while calling other people snowflakes. And anonymous math guy, David, Luke, Ben and Megan, Evan and Sarah would all like a roast from Thomas and or Andrew of Devon. What roast do you get for the man who has every single bad quality? First off, small thing, but stop being from California, you fuck.

It's confusing. It's like, go be from- He's from Iowa, whatever. Go be from Alabama or something. It's like if Sauron also lived in the Shire. Like, you know, like, is the Shire good? Yeah, it's festivals and foot hair and green grass. Well, okay, there's that one floating evil laser eyeball

who lives in East Farthing. But apart from that, and before we took it back in 2018, by the way, think about this. He was the chair of the House Intelligence Committee. Yes! That's like making Heath the chair of the House Returning Your Phone Calls Committee. Devin Nunes is a goddamn fucking monster.

We all know that, right? He's evil. So I want to make sure everyone knows this. He's evil. So I want to make sure everyone knows this. 100% of this roast is 100% fact because I'm pretty sure he's going to sue us the second that this airs. So let's be clear. Devin Nunes was the 2017 co-sponsor of, and I am not making this up, the discouraging frivolous lawsuits act. Even though he's filed more frivolous lawsuits than Tulsi Gabbard.

And also, he's a goddamn Russian asset. Sure is. Sure is. And lesser known fact, he was the before actor on Preparation H commercials for 23 years. Oh! A lot of experience with Preparations A through G, that guy. Finally, Heath, for Luke, let's have you roast devon's life choices uh okay well i mean i'd love to comment on the life choices of devon nunez but they're currently being sued by devon

nunez for defamation of character interfere with an ongoing legal battle i think you're supposed to do that uh that being said, I may or may not have started a Twitter account called at ass of Devin Nunes with a pinned tweet that says Ted Lieu made Devin shove a lengthy legal document inside of me.

Already has one like. If we don't have ass of Devin Nunes taken out as a Twitter account, someone should get on the feed. No, no, I'm serious. Right now. We we don't have ass of Devin Nunes taken out as a Twitter account, someone should get on that. No, no, I'm serious. Right now. We do. I have that account. Okay.

All right, Noah, you're up next. Scott would like a roast for Joseph from the Bible. Yeah, okay. There's at least a dozen Josephs in the fucking Bible, but he didn't specify in the email that he wanted the divine cuck. So here goes. Hey, Joseph, which is more embarrassing, dude, being

known to history as the virgin's husband or having been played by Kevin Sorbo? I think we all know the answer about that. All right. Got another one for you, Andrew. Grand Priapism would like you to roast Emily Waters.

Ah, Emily Waters. Let's see. As I look through the document, I mean, we know one of the requirements for a roast is that you have to send a photo of the person that you want roasted. And gee, where on earth would you find a photo of Emily? Oh, wait. I know. One of the 87,000 selfies she posts a day on Facebook. I just got a pop-up of one. I don't know how she does that. Emily so needs to be the center of attention that she literally volunteered as tribute to be roasted

instead of actually donating. So, Emily, I'm going to do the only thing that could possibly roast you, which is I'm going to ignore you right now. All right, Thomas. Charisse would like you to roast Moscow Mitch. Get the fucking cow testicles out of your throat when you talk. Please. Oh, the Democrats.

Nobody talks like that, you fucking weirdo. Do you think it makes you sound badass or like a man or something? Fuck you! Also, who are you doing this all for? Because nobody likes you. Your own backwards-ass state of fucking Kentucky doesn't even like you. You know who they like way better? Rand fucking Paul.

And that's saying something, since one of his neighbors beat the shit out of him, and the whole country was like, wow, that was was weird and then we all never talked about it again you remember when that fucking happened you're less well liked than that guy nobody will be sad when you die fucking no one you ghoul other than that he's a great guy yeah right all right well cecil this one's for you johnny would like you to take a shot or two at his friend Adam. Okay. That photo that they sent of this guy

is clearly Photoshopped. They sent along one of those photos you put right before you're real when you send it out, but they also sent along his reel, which I might add is a lot fucking harder to alter. This guy looks like he has a weak chin with eyes. Seriously, his photo,

he looks all pouty and strong face. On the video, he looks like there's a BMX quarter pipe that starts at his Adam's apple and ends at his nose. He's a violinist. He'd have to hold the instrument in place with his ear. I mean, Jesus Christ. Okay, Eli, you're next.

James gave us 200 bucks for you to roast him and his dog, Orange Mocha Frappuccino. Okay. This is very clearly a magical urn situation because Orange Mocha Frappuccino looks way more like a human being than James does. James looks like he's getting ready to get a bunch of campers psyched up for the Lord, and orange mocha frappuccino looks like he's about to drag out his suitcase of shit porn to stop him.

Tom, we have a request from Jerry for a full roasting of his pets. Jesus Christ, man, your pets are two corgis, one with mismatched colored eyes and two three-legged cats what the fuck happened to you to get drunk and watch too many sir mclachlan commercials corgis aren't even real fucking dogs they're defective short-legged

mistakes the only reason people like corgis is so we can laugh at them while they desperately run around struggling to look like real dogs, which again, to be very clear, they are not. And not one, but two three-legged cats. Okay, getting one shitty defective pity animal is fine. I get it. Whatever. You can walk the fucking thing in the park and people will think you're a better person than you actually are and maybe you'll get like a joyless,

humane society handjob out of the deal. But two, two three-legged cats? That makes no fucking sense at all. If you can't take them out to show off how much better a person you are than everyone else, why would you bother to have them? Two handjobs, Tom. Nobody wants the second one. how much better a person you are than everyone else why would you bother to have them two two hand jobs tom nobody wants the second one everything in the fucking shelter is already

open box returned merchandise you picked two that i busted fucking packaging as well were you so fucking broke you had to rescue cats from the clearance rack look if you're gonna to rescue something pathetic, maybe adopt a three-legged baby. Then you'd get my goddamned attention. Until then, fucking meh. Alright.

Three-legged baby? Does it have an extra leg or is it missing an arm? I would be excited if it did, Thomas. You would have my attention. Or a baby that's like a corgi trying to get its legs out of its body, but it doesn't. A tiny little short-legged baby would be so cute. You wouldn't even have to dock its tail. It'd be great. Andrew missed out on the thalidomide adorable era. Okay. Next up is Andrew. We would like you to roast their parents. Oh, gosh. All right, listen up.

D, your daughter is not a little Barbie doll, okay? She's not a teeny tiny little you that's just tinier and better looking. And all you got to do is pick out what shade of pink you want to dress her up in. She's her own fucking person. And if you're not prepared to accept it, the people she wants to fuck are, get this, maybe different from the people you want to fuck, then fuck you.

You're not a mom. You're an overgrown eight-year-old who doesn't deserve a baby feels so real, let alone a daughter like Brie, okay? And Chris, fuckface, your daughter is supposed to have other interests. On the rare occasion when you're nattering on about your half-orc illusionist where you rolled the natural 18 and she doesn't run screaming from the room, you're supposed to thank your lucky stars, okay? Not imagine that's the only thing you ever get to talk to her about for the rest of her goddamn life while she's off looking up page 237 of the goddamn Monster Manual, okay? Seriously, people.

Parenting isn't that fucking hard. Thomas can do it, okay? Stop fucking up so badly. I think we've yet to see if that's true, but... Thomas, Heather and Grand Priapism would like a roast for Teresa Gomez. Apparently, Teresa is just obsessed with this podcast

called Opening Arguments. What kind of dork shit is that, Teresa? Get a life, nerd. What's it called? I don't know. I already forgot after I said it the first time. That's all I got. I love Teresa. This is

the best. I don't know. Hi, Teresa. Heath, Janine would like a roast for the one and only This is the best I don't know I can't help it Hi Teresa Okay Heath Janine would like a roast For the one and only Kid Rock Fuck you What?

Fuck Kid Rock God damn it Yeah Kid Rock You're the Drew Carey Of music Fucking gross That's the meanest thing

That's ever been said You saw Ted Nugent And you were like Yeah that's great But You know what's getting In the way of his political message a tiny amount of musical talent I can fix that

also why do you always look like you couldn't decide on just one disguise right before you left every time you leave you're like Groucho Marx Sam Spade, Phil Moore, Taylor Hansen. I can't decide all of them.

I'm doing all of them. Just pick a fucking costume and die. Yeah. Preferably the latter. Eli, an anonymous donor, would like you to roast their friend, Luke. Oh, Luke. Luke is a surfer, which means he looks like Russell Crowe went method for his role in Master and Commander and never

came back. He looks like the center of his vision board is not losing limbo because of his boner. Every year. Alright, Cecil, got one for you now. Steve would like a roast for his uncle, Todd. I am

actually impressed. I've never seen anyone actually try to sculpt the Packers G and facial hair on their face. This guy succeeded. It's like a lifestyle choice for you.

He's also got like that suns out, guns out shirt on. Like a lot of his shitty physiology, they just happen to be airsoft guns. All right,

another one for you, Andrew. An anonymous donor would like you to roast Judge Judy. Oh, fuck. Amazing. Outrageous. This is not going to be funny.

I'm sorry. Seriously, Judge Judy represents the very worst about American society, right? The idea that idiots want to watch somebody with a modicum of authority.

By the way, even if it's completely fake made-up tv authority lord that over the poor schmucks who come scraping and bowing about you know what the justice system doesn't need it doesn't need more sarcasm or more juice 10 stars saying that we have too many impeachments these days can i sidebar that for 11 minutes? Anyway. Thomas, Cataract Bumblesnatch.

That's a great name. What the fuck? Would like you to roast your top patron, Conrad Michaels. And Thomas, please roast him good. We could use a single citation needed listener. Let me tell you. Cool. First, I have to roast all around best, most helpful, amazing personal friend

Teresa Gomez. And now I have to roast the far and away top financial supporter of my show. This is a fun... Thanks, guys. You really have my background here. This is a good, positive business relationship. First off, this is a little bit like roasting Kaiser Soze.

I don't fucking know. All anyone has is a name. We don't really know who he is, if he's real. I guess we have his money. You know what's not hard? Roasting Kevin Spacey, I'm just saying. I meant the myth

of Kaiser Soze. I almost went with Moriarty, but I had the same problem, whereas eventually there is a Moriarty, but like in the beginning of the movie. Anyway, valuable addition aside. I will say he certainly could get a lot more bang for his buck. Like that's maybe a thing to make fun of about him. Like you want me to hawk a product or anything?

Because God knows I will. He doesn't even ask me for a hand job or anything. I mean, I'm not saying I would, but I would like to be asked. I mean, believe me. I'll give you two. A guy with a cat can give him his extra one. Yeah, I guess that's, yeah, like know how to get more out of what, I don't know.

I got nothing. He's Caldwell Sose. Nobody knows who he is. I mean, I am not a good roaster, but that's all I got. Don't worry. I'll fix it in post. Okay.

This one's for you. Sean gave us $100 for a roast of his cats, Misty and Sanchez. Right. Okay. So I have pictures of the cats, but I don't know which one is which.

Right? So, okay. The big fluffy one is cute as all hell and the other one is normal looking which is a dick thing to do to your friends okay because like everybody sees the big fluffy one they go oh my god that cat is so gorgeous and then they see the other one and they realize they have to say something about it too or they seem like a dick so i'm not gonna roast a dumb looking one because just having such an adorable sibling is bad enough. But I guarantee that you can't

even get through the phrase, oh, she's so majestic before that fluffy one misses the ledge with one of her front feet and goes face first into the window. All right, Tom. Ian would like a roast for himself and his lovely wife, Ja'eel. Okay.

All right. Ian, you didn't send me any information about either of you. I can only assume then that's because you can't think of anything to say, which really, Ian, that's everything to say, right? You know how when you meet someone and then later, when you try to think back to what they contributed at dinner and the conversation, you realize you can't remember a single fucking thing that they said? Like, you know they were perfectly dinner and the conversation, you realize you can't remember a single fucking thing that they said. Like, you know they were perfectly

pleasant and everything, but at the end of the night, if they weren't even there at all, literally nothing about your day would have changed. And then, like, you realize that that's just who that person is. They are perfectly pointlessly pleasant. They are a satisfactory handshake

of a person. They are a satisfactory handshake of a person. They are distinguished only by their lack of a single goddamn distinguishing feature. They are a collection of banalities sewn into the shape of a stifled yawn. You want to roast for you and your wife, but come on, Ian, there's no meat on the bone. No heat for the fire. Just go back to doing what you've always done what you were born to do just hum elevator music and eat white bread and die as you live without making a goddamn fuck well done all right gents it's time for another

category is oh brother these shitty siblings deserve scorching syllables like only you can deliver. That's terrible, Eli. Why do you write this? And, and I know you've done a lot, Eli. You've done a lot. Thank you. He's used that excuse a lot too. Yeah, admittedly.

He's done a lot of good ones. And now he's pulling out the crappy ones here. With donors this generous, I'm going to continue. It's obvious that a mistake was made at the hospitals. And so for this Spightning Round, I'd like you to tell me what it was, human or non-human, that spawned these schmucks. Big thanks to Gordon, Travis, Kwanalee,

Steve, John, Mike, and Daniel. I'm going to start off with Corey. It looks like Mitch McConnell smashed bad luck Brian. Just fucking filibustered a load all over him. And somehow your brother just emerged from that baby batter fully formed. And I know that's not how it works, but with enough bad luck, anything is possible

as evidenced by both Mitch and your brother. All right, Travis's brother Mark Eli go for it alright well from the picture it's pretty obvious that Travis's brother Mark is actually a big mouth bass experiment gone terribly awry like they sold out of the

singing fish by June they tried to make one male fuck doll killed everyone involved in the project like Nicholas caged it in face off and Mark is the only evidence of their horrible one male fuck doll killed everyone involved in the project. Like, Nicolas caged it in face-off, and Mark is the only evidence of their horrible, horrible crimes. Next up is Dan. Alright, well, I

love this, because one of the pictures Joe sent us has Dan holding a box of cheesy bacon fries from McDonald's, which is super useful, because he looks like the child of cheesy and bacon. That's not an insult. Ronald McDonald's purple sidekick Grimace and the person that I imagine is in that Grimace suit. Next up is Will.

Okay, there's no way Will is Daniel's brother. Because when you put a neck beard and a pair of gluten-free organic Warby Parker glasses in a petri dish, the odds against spontaneous generation of twins are astronomical. There's no way. Next up, Jim. Oh, God. Fucking Jim.

The Alex Jones watching. I took a picture of myself with a microphone even though literally no one listens to my fucking podcast. Oh, sorry. News channel. Jim, that guy. The guy who thinks he's the spiritual descendant of Walter Cronkite, but looks like Devin Nunes fucked his own cow.

Jim. Yeah, no, I'm going to pass. Thanks. All right, Thomas. Brandon. All of it is Brandon, my fucking landlord or like, you know, like my mom or something. What do we got? The second highest O.A. patron.

Is that who Brandon is? No, just kidding. I'll tell you who Brandon is. Brandon is an asshole brother. Brandon is the worst. Apparently he's a homophobic, racist bigot. You can just say Republicans. Fine. You don't have to. Who I just found out who has been calling his

kids ages nine, six, and four Democrats if they whine, misbehavior, annoy him. That's who we're talking about here. Wow. Well, sorry, this is the spightening round, so I'll just say this. Your oldest kid is nine? Well, enjoy another one and a half years of being the intellectual superior in these arguments. Have fun with that. About 18 months of having the intellectual superior in these arguments.

Have fun with that. About 18 months of having the upper hand brain wise. And then they'll probably grow up and never talk to you again. All right. That sounds accurate. Tom, a different Andrew. A different Andrew. All right.

A different Andrew. Andrew looks like the product of incest porn that somehow only has one actor like if the amish could asexually reproduce but still somehow had to fuck themselves to do it that would be andrew like andrew looks like every part of him is desperately trying to escape being andrew like his whole being at the cellular fucking level is desperate not to have to assemble itself again into Andrew. His DNA is rejecting himself. That was great. In fact, I enjoyed that so much. Let's do another one for this next set of brother fuckers. I'd like to know what the fuck went wrong with these assholes. Big thanks to Julie, Mike, Lisa, Brandon, Jordan,

Shelby, and Anton. First up, Jeffrey. All right, yeah, okay. This is a guy who says the moon landing is a hoax because every time he's ever claimed to have done something significant, it was a lie. So why would NASA be any different? And I hate to tell you this, Julie,

but he is not your brother. Right? Your parents were covering up for the fact that they moved into a house that was haunted by Republican Casper. And if you don't believe me, Julie, that means you have to believe that a human being could be that pale while still alive.

Alaska is no fucking excuse for that. Alright, I'm going to take Michael. This kid looks like a young Chael Sonnen with cauliflower face. I mean, it's hard to tell what happened to you, but I think somehow Pablo Picasso redrew you at some point.

Your eyes are clearly in different orientations and somehow perspectives. It's like half your face is experiencing three extra Gs. It's like half your face is experiencing three extra G's. It's crazy. Next up, Kevin. Oh, Lisa Marie, thank you so much for giving

the least talented comic on here the easiest target. Kevin was obviously abducted as a baby and replaced with a conehead. I mean, look, most of our roasties like to consume mass quantities, but he's the only one returning his kids Christmas presents to do so. Jesus Christ. Next up, Heath to RJ.

Fuck you, RJ. Seriously, nothing went wrong with you. You're an asshole. You're just pretty. You look like a eugenics poster that's way too effective you're like you're somehow the v-neck t-shirt model that every single one of my ex-girlfriends ended up with minutes after we broke up seems impossible you're that guy every time and you're like a professor and you're polite and you

have money and you're like good at whatever the fuck we're playing. Fuck you! The only negative thing that ever happened in your life was losing to Rocky at the end of Rocky IV. Alright. Eli, Shelby's brother Wyatt. Oh, well, it is obvious from her letter that Shelby adores Wyatt. This is

a love roast for sure, but from the looks of it, Shelby took all the skills in the family. Wyatt looks like he uses auto-aim bots when he plays Stardew Valley. Wyatt's such a noob, he managed to be the only person to lose Yoshi's

Wooly World. But, Wyatt, not all is lost. I'm told if you ask Shelby real, real nice, she'll show you how to get good, as the kids say, starting with Candy Crush. Okay, Thomas, Dan. Well, Mike got his brother, Dan, a roast for Christmas, and I just want to apologize. That's from me.

That really is a shit gift. I'm like the Kirkland Signature version of the roast. We're definitely trying to save a few bucks on this one. But I do see here that Dan is really into building and riding electric bikes what's next build a set of weights that lift themselves while you stand behind it

the point of a bike is to get some exercise Dan if you want something that takes you places while you sit comfortably expending no effort you're thinking of a car that's what you're thinking of alright Tom while you sit comfortably expending no effort, you're thinking of a car. That's what you're thinking of. It's a car. All right, Tom.

Marcel is next. I looked at Marcel and I'm thinking, wait, what in the world went right with Marcel? Marcel is a guy who teaches acting because he wants so much to be literally anyone else. He's reading, auditioning, staring himself in the mirror, and he's acting because if he's acting, auditioning, staring himself in the mirror, and he's acting because if he's acting, if he's pretending to be someone else, anyone else, then Marcel can,

for a few brief moments, pretend he isn't Marcel. That he isn't going to go to bed and lay his head on his pillow again tonight, wondering why he has to feel so much nothing, why he can only feel real when he's play acting. And even as he wonders this, he knows the answer is because he is hollow inside. He is an unwritten script. He is a character with no plot. He is directionless, an extra in his own life, a man who knows he doesn't matter even to himself. and he would weep for this, but no matter how much his shoulders shake, his eyes remain dry because he isn't even worth the effort of his own despair. All right, Andrew. Eric would like a roast for his sister-in-law's husband, George. Oh, Judge George.

Yeah, Judge George was put here on this earth to refute the notion that English men are suave, debonair, and wear under 42 waist slacks. Sorry. Wait. Wait. My mistake. He's an Irish judge. Okay. I guess that kind of roasted itself.

Racist. Thomas, this one's for you Matt would like you to roast His dog Barley You were so close to Barkley Which is an objectively way better dog name Way better I see here in my dossier

That he loves squirrels and goose shit And that left me wondering Why not geese and squirrel shit? I want to know. I mean, this is clearly from the file here. This is a very hipster dog. This is a spoiled hipster dog. And I just wonder, I was imagining,

like I'm sure the dog has a detailed explanation for why goose shit is just way better than squirrel shit. It's like, nah, man, squirrel shit has so many additives in it. You know how processed that is? My diet has me on goose shit. It's made a world of difference. I got to tell you.

I just like knowing what's going into my body, you know? And for me, that's goose shit. That's what's going in there. You got to eat goose shit off of vinyl if you really want to get the experience. It's a warmer shit. Well, you want to do it before it was cool, yeah.

Like seven puns to that. That was fantastic. Okay, Eli, Daniel would like you to roast Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter book. Ugh, mean-spirited, pedantic, evil witch

who uses her power over children to hide her bigoted agenda under the guise of protecting them. Also, the character she wrote isn't very nice either. Oh! Not a nice lady.

Alright. Alright. Noah, Michael gave us $220 for you to roast Delta Airline. Fantastic pick, Michael. Thank you, Michael.20 for you to roast Delta Airlines. Fantastic pick, Michael. I would love to roast them for you. I'm going to do that

in just a second. It has been delayed until the next sentence, but I'm going to do it. I know it's the next sentence now, but it's actually been delayed two more sentences. Sorry for the inconvenience. I said that this would be the sentence but it's been delayed for another sentence which i've known the whole fucking

time but i didn't tell you so you wouldn't be able to wander around and get fucking lunch or something it's extended to play piecemeal because fuck you i hate you i don't want you to be able to even listen to a goddamn episode of opening arguments without pulling your fucking headphones on every few seconds going oh wait oh, oh wait, is this it? No? You're just, oh, you're telling someone else about it? Okay, fine. Fuck. Shit. Sorry I had to cancel your roast there, man. I just, I knew

that was coming too before the delay. Alright, Heath. Michael would like you to roast his friend James, who voted for a write-in presidential candidate in the 2016 general election. God fucking damn it. Go, East! Go!

Hey, James, I need to speak with you privately. Can you step into my office so I don't have to embarrass you in public? Great. Grab a seat. Seriously, grab a seat. You're wrong. Just listen. You're wrong.

First of all, you're from Indiana and write-in votes literally don't count there. That's true. That's a law. And your friend Michael explained that to you. You're actually worse at voting than everyone who voted for Trump. You might not have worse opinions, but they were infinitely better than you at the act of voting. You did something stupid and now people are pointing it out and you can't just admit it or your fucking face would explode. Because this is politics and people can't be wrong about politics. We're all experts in politics. No, we're not. I am.

You're not. I am. Not that anyone needs to be an expert to understand the very fucking simple point I'm making. Donald Trump is doing evil things that Hillary Clinton would not be doing. Hillary Clinton had a plan to raise taxes on rich people and corporations. Trump announced he would do the opposite and did that. Hillary Clinton was in favor of the Paris Agreement. Trump is a climate change denier who pulled us out of that. Also, a small thing, Trump is a neo-Nazi sympathizer. That was super generous phrasing, by the way. And his policies are targeting vulnerable minority groups like immigrants and people of color and gay people and trans people. And you either didn't think about that stuff or you did and you fucking ignored it.

So at best, you cast a petulant vote for fucking nothing, blinded by your own privilege. And now, you have Heath, a member of exactly zero minority groups, telling you that you're blinded by your privilege. That is not a good sign for you. Don't argue. Don't argue. Don't argue.

Sit back down. Go sit in the corner quietly and think about what you did. Realize why you're wrong. We have to do this all again in November with idiots like you all over the fucking place, not just in Indiana, in like Pennsylvania and fucking Wisconsin.

Florida. So you understand why i didn't do this in public so by the way if anybody not whoever i was just yelling at is uh feeling you know angry right now that's the rage of cognitive dissonance in your head because i just all i did was name objective facts. If you were presented by those just now and you got angry, you're wrong about something.

Change your behavior. Okay, Noah, back to you. Ricky gave us 400 bucks for you to roast people who give their cats vegan diets.

Oh my God. It's a really popular thing. Right? What? Yeah. It's big. It's big in vegan communities. They're like,

it's a cat. It's a, they're obligate carnivores. Okay. Is that good for cats? No, no. Tell us why it's not good.

Tell us why it's not good. It kills. Okay. Look. Oh, so that's, it's not bad enough. What you did to Eli.

This poor motherfucker is condemned to shuffle through life, eating nothing but textured soy protein and lavender couscous. And ask why he shits funny. Like the gastric equivalent of looking for the sunglasses on the top of your head. I mean, set aside. You're going to end up killing it with your stupidity. on the top of your head? What, cats? You want to condemn a cat to Eli's life? I mean, set aside. You're going to end up killing it with your stupidity. Even if cats could survive on a vegan diet,

you'd be making them more Eli-like in their lives. Why would you want to do that? I get that your moral objection reveals itself to be an unobtainable form of utopianism when you're forced to recognize the necessity of industrial meat production for the sake of your carnivorous pets but that's the end of the sentence got a cat asking about the ph of his fucking friskies um jacob would like a roast of his ex-wife angela all right right. No problem, Jacob. Let me tell you something about Angela.

Angela is afraid of your happiness, Jacob, and not because she doesn't want you to be happy. I don't think she cares about that. Angela's afraid that your joy, your happiness, it will do what joy and happiness tend to do. It will infect your daughter. It will force her to see what joy looks like. It will make her contend with that joy and will, by comparison, make Angela's misery seem all the bleaker. You are terrifying to Angela because you are the example of color set amidst a backdrop of gray, Jacob. You are the impossible to ignore truth that highlights that Angela is the architect of her own misery and her house is on fire. Angela is the villain in her own story that she will never vanquish. She will do everything in her power to keep this

at bay. But Jacob, I want you to hear me. She has no power because no one wants what she's selling because misery has a bad sales pitch, Jacob, because the soul of youth calls itself to joy and knows when it is being sold a bill of goods. Take heart, Jacob, because Angela's influence is timed. It's finite. And she knows this. She knows that her misery will crush and flatten everything inside of her until she is alone, a two-dimensional shadow of squandered possibilities estranged from happiness. She will feel joy as through a thick window, unable to connect with it or to feel it.

And she knows this, Jacob, because it is true. And your daughter will know it too. And together, you will fail to mourn her when she disappears because nothing will be lost. I figured out Tom is the James Spader character on The Office. Robert California.

Okay, Thomas, I got another one for you. One of your Facebook admins here, Grand Priapism, again, would like you to roast Eric Brewer. I'm not a good enough roaster to roast Eric Brewer? I'm not a good enough roaster to roast Eric Brewer. I don't... Come on, Thomas! He looks like Superman

going through a bad divorce. You can do this! Sure, I mean, that's a good one. I don't really know what else to add to that. That's good. He looks like if Mad Men was about Don Draper's quest to replace his beard with pubes. Is that a problem? He looks like he's never been introduced as anything but if Mad Men was about Don Draper's quest to replace his beard with pubes?

Is that a problem? He looks like he's never been introduced as anything but Uncle Eric and or Why Mommy Locks the Door at Night. All right. I think you got him. Good job. For our final roast of the evening, Matt gave us $500 for you to

roast Thomas Smith. Oh, God, Thomas. Let's see. That bastard who's just three inches too tall, 20 pounds too light, looks good in that stupid NASA t-shirt. Way too fucking charming.

All right. I'm going to take this seriously. Thomas is literally the reason i'm in podcasting so i guess that's kind of an insult right um oh no i don't know i gotta i gotta get he is without a doubt he is a crazy cat lady um and op and also he won't put his fucking notes in the shared speech doc i gotta roast for all you guys who put all your fucking notes in the speech doc then i have to try not to read them so that i can laugh because i can't laugh at something that i'm reading as it's happening okay sorry it's a good save for not laughing at any jokes tonight, Thomas. Thanks.

We've barely made it through half of the heaving masses who want more of opening arguments after dark. So, gents, we will see you again soon, whether you like it or not. Thank you guys for coming on. Just do a full analysis of how much I laughed. I'm going to go back through my file. No, yeah. Can you amplify it for us? Like, go through and amplify.

There's no isotope filter for making you laugh. So we are not reading emails this week. We're talking about patrons. Like we said, we're recording this very early because we have to take some time off. We're not live streaming. We didn't live stream this last week, but we will be live streaming this week, this

Thursday, this upcoming Thursday. So please join us. We're looking to have a good time. We're also going to have some guests in the studio. We don't know if that's going to happen or not. They probably will not be on the live stream with us, but hopefully next time we record, we will have guests and fun guests at that. But we never really tell you ahead of time because

sometimes that doesn't happen. But we are happy that we were able to get another episode of Vulgarity for Charity out. We want to thank Andrew and Thomas of the Opening Arguments podcast and these scathing guys, Noah, Heath, and Eli for joining us once again to do this. We really, we're moving through them.

And if you haven't heard yours yet, don't worry. I think they might've played one on Scathing last Thursday and then ours came out. We recorded ours first. But anyway, that got all twisted around. Got all mixed up. But we're going to keep recording them. So if you haven't heard yours yet, don't worry.

We still have a lot to get to. We do. And we're going to get to them eventually. Like I say, we will be live streaming this upcoming Thursday. Join us for the live stream. We think we have fixed every technical difficulty that we possibly can. So come see us. We're getting to hell, guys. Come see us. We are spending a lot of

time on it and we hope it's fixed. But please come see us. Please come hang out with us. That's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave it like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating,

pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.