Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 519: Hair of the Dog

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Stories from the Week    

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nightmare that's actually like an uplifting movie now I know I watch when I watch Requiem for a dream it's not even a fucking dark comedy anymore I showed that to my 5 yearyear-old and he fell asleep.

The whole time, everybody comes near each other. I'm like, social distance, people! Social distance! You can't go ass to ass! Social distance! It's a six-foot-long double-ended. The problem is it's exactly six feet, so you're just like,

aww. It's like a fire hose. It's like on both ends. At one point, somebody's flipping through the air because nobody's holding on to it. Amazing. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad.

It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 519 of Cognitive Dissonance. And, you know, we got to talk a little bit. Okay. We got to talk. The audience got to talk to each other.

This has been tough. Like, let's just call this shit for what it is. This pandemic has been rough. It's been rough on people for a lot of different reasons. As far as pandemics go, it's not great. Yeah, not great. I got to go. Zero out of 10.

Zero out of 10. What not pandemic again? Can I just say zero out of 10 for 2020 in general? 2020. Literally today, we bought Dumpster Fire 2020 t-shirts. Yeah, I don't blame you. Because it's just like, fuck this year. Fuck it.

Start to finish. Fuck it. End to end. Fuck it. Sideways. Fuck it. Rough. Because the next eight months have got to catapult us into billionairehood or something.

Like, that's what's going to happen. Yeah. into billionaire-hood or something. Like, that's what's going to happen. Right, yeah. Yeah. The only way to salvage 2020 would be to just, like, wake up, like, swimming in a sea of lottery tickets. Yeah, exactly.

Just like Scrooge McDuck lottery. Yeah, the way 2020 goes, you get a fucking Scrooge McDuck vault of loser-ass lottery tickets. Just paper cuts all the way down. That was the worst. So it's been tough. And a lot of people are exhausted.

And I don't blame them. They're exhausted by the anxiety, by the sort of unrelenting lack of cheerfulness that has defined all of 2020 so far. So what we thought we would do is change things up a little bit for the show and talk about some stories that are just they're not really all that skeptical they're not really all that political they're not the usual fanfare of outrage that we you know like let's just have some let's have some fun i think i think need to have a little fun. I think that's a good call. So let's have a little bit of fun. It's a good call.

And I think, you know, it's funny because most of the time when it comes to news, I am sort of ravenously devouring whatever's out there to pay attention within minutes of what happens. Constantly, you know, I have alerts on my phone

for every major news organization and those are going off every six minutes now. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, it's a teletype. It's basically just humming across my fucking counter now, my phone is. But really, I remember, too, very distinctly, maybe three or four weeks ago, when the Dow started to drop. very distinctly with maybe three or four weeks ago when the Dow started to drop. And I remember checking, even just checking the Dow several times a day and being like,

oh my God, this is just insane. And checking Reddit coronavirus all the time and checking all this other stuff and constantly going to websites and looking on Facebook on groups that I know that are also news-oriented groups. And as the days have gone by, I have drifted away from that in a huge way. I remember the first couple of days, I watched the press briefing that the White House had. I watched the whole thing. And then I just started realizing, I am not doing myself a service by knowing any of this stuff.

This doesn't help me to know. And it's actually causing me a level of anxiety I don't need in my life, right? I'm already stuck in a room. I'm already at like a little anxious all the time because I can't really do anything, right? So I'm already a little anxious all the time. Why the fuck would I want to key that up?

Why would I want to crank that up? So I 100% feel for the people right now that are saying, you know, I just don't want to, I don't want to have to deal with more news when it comes to that stuff. If we have something valuable, I think to give to the audience, like last week, I think we gave the audience a very valuable interview that, uh, um, Natalia was, it was an excellent interview and she, she had a lot of great information. And I think that that's useful, but you know, for, for the foreseeable future, if we can find them, I think we want to find stories

that are funny and goofy and that we can have fun and laugh about. Give everybody a place to land here that isn't like, how many people died today, reached a record number, or your 401k is basically confetti. Let's move away from that.

So Cecil, to that end, got a great story here from Clit Tampa. Found it. Found it. CLTampa.com I gotta accept cookies. The $1,200 in your coronavirus stimulus

check is exactly how much you need to build a guillotine. This made me laugh so hard. I fucking love this. It's amazing. So here's the thing. That's true.

About $1,200, you can build your own guillotine. They say in the article, don't take our word for it. Check it yourself. If you click on that, which I did, you can check that yourself. You can buy, you can build a motherfucking guillotine. And the only thing that I thought when I saw this is like, with my fucking building skills,

that I thought when I saw this is like with my fucking building skills, the only fuck, first of all, the thing would be off center and it would be custom. I would be like, oh, it's custom. It would look like Homer Simpson's spice rack. Homer Simpson made a spice rack

and shit was like all crooked or whatever. There's a big nail hanging out the side. The guy goes in to put his head in and he's like, oh, fuck, I got hit by this nail over here. Oh, oh, oh, insult to injury. He's decapitated with splinters.

Oh, man. Do you like building shit, Cecil? I do. You know, I was actually talking to my wife today about how I wish I could sort of get out and do a little bit of home improvement right now. But I know that everybody else is stuck in their house. So if I start banging on things,

I know I'm disturbing everyone else. And I was like, no, I don't want to do that. That's a bad call right now. Yeah, I do. I really do. Man, I have wanted my whole life to be good at building things and fix it, but I'm like, I'm like three quarters good at it and 25% literally awful at it and nowhere

in the middle. Like I am only, the only thing I'm adept at is getting a volume of work done. I am not good. And you know, I can about like, I can get a huge amount of work done and all of it is 80% solid. Like 80% of it. It's like a huge amount and it's all just a little B-. Like it's all a B-

tops. I love making stuff and like you know, just building things. I just love to do it. I don't think I'm great at it, but I really do enjoy working with it. And I really, you know, like that's a path in my life that I wish I would have followed a little deeper and I didn't get a chance to do it. But I think that the best use of this $1,200, if you't use it? You know what I say you do instead of creating your own guillotine, Tom? I think a bunch of people should come together, pull their money, and start a

guillotine lobby. I think that would be amazing to protect the rights of guillotine owners and to make sure that you have the right to carry a guillotine, concealed guillotine, wherever you go. the right to carry a guillotine, concealed guillotine, wherever you go. Okay. What you got to do is you got to pool your resources locally

so that you have somebody making guillotines and you have somebody else making like guillotine holsters. You know? Alienware comes out with a concealed carry plastic guillotine holster

that you can quick draw out of. Yeah, but it's so small, you've just got to be like, okay, give me your finger. It's just a finger guillotine. You can put your whole head in there. That's an Iranian thing if you're like... The finger chopper offer.

The finger... What was that for? Was it for stealing or diddling? I don't know. Maybe a little of both. Oh, diddling? No, come on. They don't punish you for that.

Like a little... $1,200. If it's yours to waste, Oh, diddling? No, come on. They're not, they don't, they don't punish you for that. $1,200. If it's yours to waste, I guess if it's charity or build yourself a guillotine, a part of me kind of hopes that like what we have in the world is just like we get out of this and it's like, all right. Neighbors have a lot of guillotines. That's just like, we just have like a lot of like, like you like,

you look in the backyard of your suburban fucking tract house wasteland that you live in. And it's just like trampoline, trampoline, swing set, guillotine, guillotine, guillotine.

That's the world I want to live in. What I hope is, is that all the Bernie and Bernie or Buster's start, take their $1,200 check and make one of these themselves and then put Bernie on it, like a Bernie Sanders one. Like everyone has a Bernie Sanders themed guillotine. That would be amazing.

Cecil, I'm going to ask you to do something entirely ridiculous. What is the most annoyingly first world deprivation that you have missed as a result of this pandemic? Like just the fucking bitchiest trivialist complaint um there's a lot of things i miss that are you know just normal like i miss walking to work i miss going to my gym i miss you know like those things i think um and they seem relatively first world you know i live in a safe country where i can walk to work i live in a place where i can walk to work. I live in a place where I can, but we had planned. So I have a big vacation planned. Still, some of it's still planned

until it gets canceled or I lose all my money for next month. But we actually had planned to go shopping for some clothes for it and we had to cancel that. And that was going to be this upcoming weekend. Oh, that sucks. It's like, you know, but it's totally first world, right?

I was going to go out and buy clothes I didn't need. You know what I mean? Like, it's 100% first world. So, yeah. This is even pettier than that. I'm still going to work a few days a week, right? I drive 31 miles to get to work. On my way to work, I don't take the toll road

because I'm a cheap motherfucker and it's three extra minutes to take the side streets. I pass three Starbucks if I don't make a detour and another fourth if I just go a little bit out of my way. They're all closed, even the drive-thrus. 31 miles. They're all closed, huh? I thought that they were open. Even the drive-thrus are closed. I thought the Starbucks stayed open. I thought they were essential. I didn't realize. They did. They should be essential because they're goddamn essential to me. I seriously, I am not even, I drove up,

I drove up to the first one and it just had like a paper sign. It's like, fuck off, we're closed or whatever. And I just sat in my car and I stared at it. I was like, I know there are bigger problems, but that was the first moment where I just wanted to cry a little. I was just like, it's early. I gotta go to work. I want my coffee. Just why? Why? Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. Not going out to restaurants sucks. That's a big thing. Cause I normally go out like once or twice a month and, you know,

I take my wife out for dinner or I'll invite friends up to Chicago. And it's, they're just, you know, it's like that time isn't available anymore. You know, it's like, you know, but some of the cool stuff is, it's like, I get, there's been two or three times in the past week that I've had time to hang out with friends on Zoom that I wouldn't, might not even talk to.

And recently, a buddy of mine had a birthday that I know I couldn't have made it to if there was no, nothing going on because I was busy even talk to. And recently, a buddy of mine had a birthday that I know I couldn't have made it to if there was nothing going on because I was busy on that weekend. But now that it was just a Zoom thing and nobody was busy doing anything, we all showed up for his birthday. And so it was actually really cool. So there's some connections that you make because of this that you might not make in a long time. There's a friend of ours who lives in Oregon. There's an opportunity for my wife to have a conversation with her, which is something that hasn't happened in a very, very long time. You know what I mean? It's just like, so there's some reaching out and connections that happen that are also really kind

of cool. And I hope that they stick around after everything hopefully goes back as close as it can to normal. Nurse, you got to help me. I can't take it anymore. You've got to end my misery. Mr. Green, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, there are so many reasons to live. Like what? My health? Well, music. I listen to goth.

Movies? I watch porn, which only makes me horny and reminds me that I have no one. Children? They throw rocks at me. Well, I can't do this, Mr. Green. Besides, it ain't even legal. Legal doesn't take the pain away, nurse. Well, then take an aspirin or something.

Only if you have some of that sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching stuffy head fever so I can die, medicine. This ain't a cold, nurse. I'm ready to go. I want to go out the same way I came in. How's that? Well, I was born by the snatch. I don't want to die by the snatch. So come up here and sit on my face and take my breath away. So this next story comes from metro.co.uk. I love this. Medical fetish site donates entire stock of disposable scrubs to the NHS. I love this story for every fucking reason. You can love a story. It's not a lot of scrubs.

That's the thing. And they even say it. Like, these people went out of their way to tell everyone in their tweet, it's not a lot. We didn't give a lot, but we gave what we had. Do you think that when they offered them, the NHS was like, we don't want

no scrubs? Do you think when that is the offer you have to, don't you have to say like, I think you have to. You don't want no scrubs from you. No scrubs? I think you have to.

They're just like driving out the fucking passenger side of their best friend's ride like holding them out i think i think you're obligated to do all those things if you're looking for scrubs yeah so this site like evidently there's like a medfet site so like i guess medical fetishism is a thing but it's a relatively small community it sounds like and they don't stock a lot of scrubs because why would you stock a lot of scrubs for this? But they have some and just like, I don't know, like don't cover them in goo, cover them in different goo. Here you go. They donated them to the NHS.

I think that's great. go and they donated them to the NHS. I think that's great. Like, I think one of the things that is kind of amazing about this is like all the outpourings of generosity that come from so many different sources. And I love that one of them is just like, they're just like,

yeah, man, we can't play naughty nurse. Like, we are not playing naughty nurse. It's all good. You can hold off just for a little while. Just put on a blue shirt. That's all you get. There's your blue shirt. You wear that instead. But yeah, the cool thing is when they're talking about it, they say that they gave everything they had, which they even admit is not a lot. But then they say, the fact that we have to give them stuff tells you that they weren't prepared for this.

You know, it tells, and that's, I think, the line across the board, across all the world, is that no one was prepared for this level of hospitalization of people. And I think, you know, if anything,

this is a huge wake-up call to all those people out there that run this stuff to just be like, no, we need national stockpiles of this shit, period. The end. That's just, we're just going to have to just stock and stock and stock it.

Yeah. But I mean, if history has taught us anything, it's that we won't do that. Yeah, right. Like we will, you know, we'll stockpile fucking fireworks before we stockpile this. Like we have literally no end of bullets and missiles in this country. We have so many of them bullets and missiles in this country. We have so many of them. We could like stack, you could make a whole hospital of just bullets in this country.

And somehow we're running out of masks for people. You know, it's just like, you can't even diversify the shit that you're prepping for. Oh, it's amazing. And if you want to get a little bit of kinky and a little bit of fetish stuff, you can go to adamandeve.com, type in Gloria Checkup, you get 50% off almost any item,

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His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies. This next story is fucking life. It's from CBS News. As population works from home, Walmart reports increased sales for tops, but not for pants. I love

that as soon as everybody works from home, they go fucking straight Winnie the Pooh. I know, shit. They're just like. Everybody's walking around with half shirts on. What's up? If I could wear a dickie and just stand in front of a Zoom camera, I would do it. Are you kidding me? The rest of it is just buzz.

You're just fucking bare ball in the world just sitting there. Whatever, man. I don't have anything on. Man, I'm wearing the minimum amount of clothes. All this tells us is like we're always all wearing the minimum amount of clothes

socially and weather acceptable. We all just would rather be naked. My fucking daughter, like as soon as she's, it's like take a bath. She's like, her clothes are off and she is the happiest

she's going to be all day. She's like, I have been wearing these because I am forced to do it. That is the only reason. That's it. Man, I will tell you, every day I basically just get out of my work pajamas and into my night pajamas. Do you really? I wear pajamas all day.

I wear, all day. I don't, I wear, I wear, they're like jogging-ish looking pants. They're like sports pants or something that I wear during the day. And then at night,

I'll put on my flannel pajama type things that I wear around the house. And then during the day, I'll wear a hoodie. Normally when I'm at the computer working from home,

I'll normally wear like a hoodie type outfit. Sometimes I'll wear a button down shirt, but it's pretty rare. I mean, we're talking like a short sleeve button down. It makes me feel more normal to like have my morning routine. So like, but Haley had to give me grief yesterday. She's like, the dry cleaner is closed. Like you can't keep getting dressed for work every day. Cause I like, even on the days I don't, I get up, I shower, I put on work clothes and then I go to work because it makes me feel like.

Sure, like you're working, yeah. Like, like I have a normal life still, you know, and it's making me crazy not to have one. And she's like, well, just, you're out of clothes. And I'm just like, well, they don't, I don't care if they're wrinkly. No one can see me. I'm like, I still just need to like wear something.

Like, so I love that this like part of the reason in the article is like people are wearing tops so they can get on video calls and appear but like that means they're still just wearing their fucking jockeys and like a sport coat you know what i mean you're just like hang on i got a very important call get this all situated here and nope that's how I'm going I want to see a dude standing there with his nice suit on his crisp tie and then stand up

and he's in a banana warmer that's what you want to see that's what you want to see on a zoom call did you see the video of the woman who thought her video was muted and she went to the bathroom? She took her computer. She's carrying her computer. She sets it on the ground so she could keep watching the Zoom call. And then she drops Trow and goes to the bathroom right on the

Zoom call in front of everybody that's sitting there. No. That's not what you do. It's really not. And and you know it's funny too because there's another I read a Reddit post and again it's fucking who knows how true it is right

but it's a Reddit post about a guy who was saying that his company had a bunch of like they have a way to you don't have a way

to shut your screen off everybody can look at your screen and someone sent him a private message and said, hey, you need to open up that porn in a different window because we can see the porn you're watching while we're on the Zoom call with you.

See, he's watching somebody get raw dogged. And he's like, I'm on a Zoom call with everybody. Oh, he's working it from home. Jeez, man. That's amazing. I think this is one of those things, though, where people are sort of ingenious when it comes to this.

So, you know, I'm seeing, for example, in Chicago, a couple of really fancy restaurants are now doing home service where you go pick it up. They meet you at your car. They hand you a bag of cold food with reheating instructions that they prepared. And then you pay about $25 a person for it. And then you go home and you reheat the things that they gave you. And they are able to somehow stay in business that way with some income and pay people to come to work.

And you are also, you know, you feel good about sort of almost, in some ways, almost donating to the restaurant, but then you're also getting a nice meal out of it. And I think there's a lot of people that are being ingenious in this economy. And in here, they're talking about one of the, one of the, one of the places, one of these Nordstrom has on their main page now has create your sanctuary, get comfortable, relax and rejuvenate, keep the kids busy. They're going out of their way with all these little things because

they know there's now a niche market for, and it's not even niche, it's like a major market for all of these things. Keeping the kids busy, gosh, can you imagine toy sales have to be through the roof right now? You can't even buy a Switch anywhere. The Nintendo Switch is gone.

All the video game consoles are gone. Any of the electronic babysitter devices that you're just like, the kids have been home for weeks. They can't go do shit. They're not getting a decent education. It's like homeschooling, but they can't actually do real homeschooling because they can't hold the kids genuinely accountable for an educational experience that they don't control. So what they do is they give them essentially repetitive homework.

So none of it's challenging. It's busy work that takes no time for them to complete. It doesn't account for it and like it's a huge burden on parents to do it it's just like though that whole piece is a fucking nightmare and i've got kids and they are climbing the fucking walls they are so bored and i don't blame them for being boy it's like they can't go visit their friends they can't go to school they can't go to like dance they can't go to like any of their sports stuff that they would.

They can't do anything except for climb directly up your ass all the time. Yeah, man. Yeah. Sarah and I, you know,

there's a lot of times we'll just walk by each other and just give each other a high five for not having kids. Let me tell you. And right now is a perfect time to do that.

My hand hurts because we give so many high fives for that because we'll hear the kid in the hall screaming. He's just screaming, you know, and you're like, yeah, I'm glad I don't have one of those because I don't know how I'd stop it right now because I might join in at some point. But, you know, the other thing too is that there's no sports on now. And I know you're not a sports fan, but there's millions of sports fans out there. And there's no sports. There's not a single sport on TV.

They're showing old timey football games and things like that. The first time sports start coming back, those are going to be the most watched things ever. People are just going to, they're going to pour out. Yeah. The UFC is looking into getting a private island

so they can run these things. I read that. So they can have their fights on a private island. Yeah, the UFC is looking into getting a private island so they can run these things. I read that. So they can have their fights on a private island. Yeah, man. Private island. That's just amazing. He's fucking Mr. O'Rourke. It's Fantasy Island, but you get your ass kicked.

It's amazing. Are you kidding me? I hear Jeffrey Epstein's island is available. I wonder if Joe Rogan is the little guy who's like, the plane, the plane. The plane, the plane. Yeah, he is, but he takes four and a half hours to say it. And then he tries to sell you big brain pills the whole time. Look at all those.

Look at you. Look at you. so this story is fucking adorable this is from newsweek.com and this made me laugh and it made us made me think of a friend of both of ours she's ahead of the curve uh baby chickens sold out nationwide ahead of Easter as Americans panic by feathery friends for comfort. I was shocked. I stared at this story. I read this whole story and I just stared at it because I do not understand a world where you're like, you know, in a time of uncertainty. You know what I need?

I need something fucking else to care for. Something with a brain so small it can't love me back. Something that will just like shit randomly as it walks and can't be trained not to shit randomly.

Is there any way you could have like really sharp points on the beak and the claws too? So it's also dangerous? I don't, look, I don't, it's no secret. I don't like birds. I know. Birds are fucking weird and gross and pointy and they move all funny.

Where does it all come from? It's got to stem from something in your life. The bird thing. Where does it all come from? It's got to stem from something in your life, the bird thing. Where does it all come from? I used to have. So when I was a teenager, my cousin Kim, for reasons I've never understood,

she decided she was going to raise lovebirds. And she did not know how to raise lovebirds. She didn't know anything at all, I don't think, about lovebirds except for that they're raise lovebirds. She didn't know anything at all, I don't think, about lovebirds except for that they're called lovebirds. I don't even think she was real clear on that because we went to visit her one time, my

aunt and my cousin, and they had all these fucking lovebirds, just lovebirds. And they asked us if we wanted one. And they're called lovebirds, I have come to find out, because they like, they like pair up together, and they like nuzzle each other, and they like love

each other. That's like a whole thing with fucking lovebirds. Sure. But if you get just one lovebird, they go fucking crazy. They are not meant to be alone. Like, they're like, it's like putting a fucking prisoner in fucking ad seg for

30 years and wondering like why he doesn't want to cuddle it's fucking ridiculous so we had this fucking love bird and like when we first got it i would like take it out and i would bottle feed it and i would like oh a pet and i'm a young person i like pets and then it would get fucking mean and it would bite with its big, sharp, fucking breaking seeds, powerful beak. And I'd be like, fuck. And I'd put it back and then we'd have gloves and they got graduated to bigger, thicker gloves. And then eventually

like, nobody took the big, thick, like fireman gloves. We had a friend that was a firefighter and it would still like pinch hard enough through the gloves that you'd be like, that's still unpleasant. Like, why do I want you? And then like, then it just like lived in the cage alone and unhappy.

And it would like pace back and forth at the bottom of the cage all day. Darth Maul. What the fuck? Cause it was fucking crazy. And it would slam its face against the cage until it had like no feathers on the side where the bars were at and it would just like rub itself trying to like when you walk past it'd be like i try to get how to bite you yeah try to bite you so then it would sneak out of the cage so then it got smart enough to like stand in the food thing

and lift a little door and step out and so every once in a while you'd come home and the fucking lovebird would just be out. And so like one day, I'm like 18. I'm an 18 year old boy. It's a two and a half ounce lovebird. And like my dad and brother thought this thing was hilarious. They wouldn't let me kill it or let it go into the wild. That's all I wanted to do.

Just let me squeeze it. It'll be over in a second. Just this thing does not need to live. It's miserable. I'm miserable miserable nobody is happy so i get home one day and i just like walk in to you know that home from school and it's this fluttering by my neck and shoulder area and i look and this fucking like peach faced two and a half ounce green lovebird just lands on my shoulder and just sinks its fucking beak into me and just runs me asunder and i'm like oh fuck and but i can't kill it because like i know i'll get

in trouble so like i'm like trying to like take this bird off of my self and like move it and i threw it in the bathroom and it's like banging against the door it's little two ounce buddy no shit against the door like let me little two ounce buddy. No shit? Against the door like let me the fuck out of here. I've got to kill you. Oh my god. To try to kill you. So I took this big leather jacket I had and I threw it over the bird and like

went to the cage and shook it into the cage. The dog this bird bit my dog's dick. This bird you know how dogs sit with their legs open and their fucking little dangler hanging out? Whatever. Yeah, I would too. Bird got out of the cage.

Just walked right up. Boom. Nailed him right on the Johnson. Just boom. Then my dog was scared of this bird. This bird was a goddamn unholy terror for years. We finally got tired of this bird because it was just

untenably awful every day. And my favorite part of the story is that my dad finally gave it away to a paraplegic man in a wheelchair. Shut up, what? Who I am certain was killed by this bird.

I am certain the bird chased him, hunted him for fucking sport and killed him. He's just trying to get away from it throughout the house. Oh, man. Amazing. See, I'm not a big fan of birds. I don't understand like having a chicken as a pet.

That's a food. What's great about this article and my favorite lines is that people are panic buying chickens like they did toilet paper. The good thing is that if you wipe your ass with a chicken, it will clean itself and you could do it again. So the chicken chickens like they did toilet paper. The good thing is, is that if you wipe your ass with a chicken, it will clean itself and you could do it again. So the chicken is better than getting toilet paper. You could just, I mean, it's a little sharper in some areas. You got to watch how you hold the chicken, but you could wipe your ass with the chicken

and then just... Well, you got to make sure you get one of those chicken tenders. Yeah, it's a little smoother. Don't squeeze the chicken tender. I don't know. They also said in this article that, that chickens were being purchased at such a rate that like people's first choice of chicken breed.

And I was like, who's got a fucking choice of chicken breed. Are they all roaster? Like, I don't know what he's doing. Oh, you know what? And then one of the reasons why people buy

chickens around this time of year, and it's not something that we talked about yet, is Easter. Easter is the reason why people go out and do that. But then what do they do with them? I don't know. Like, they buy them for Easter. And then they, I mean, Jesus, do you just eat them afterwards? Are they as useless as those fucking peeps people buy

for Easter? Well, they probably eat more. So, yeah. Yeah. I would rather eat a baby chicken than one of fucking peeps people buy for easter well they probably eat more so yeah yeah i would rather eat a baby chicken than one of those peeps i'd rather eat a baby chicken halfway formed in an egg fermented yeah balut or whatever those things are god peeps are fucking are genuine there's nothing a genuine bag. There's nothing pleasant about eating them. It's grainy. It's also too mushy and gross inside because marshmallow is unpleasant most of the time

unless it's in something else. There's no world where I just reach into a bag of marshmallows and eat a marshmallow. It just tastes like a sweet. It has no flavor. There's no reason to do it, right? So the marshmallow as a sort of marshmallows and eat a marshmallow. It just tastes like a sweet. It has no flavor. There's no reason to do it, right? So the marshmallow as a sort of sweet thing is really just an accent of something else.

And the only thing you're accenting it with in a peep is dye and sugar. So it's just like, why would I do that? A marshmallow with sugar on it is crazy because it's like, well, its only flavor characteristic is sweet and chewy. What about if it was also sweet and chewy and crunchy?

Yeah, sweet, chewy, crunchy. There's no nuance to that food. It's why it's for kids. It's like a fucking Cadbury cream egg. It's just like, oh, I'll have a type 2 diabetes in an egg, please. That's what I'll have. Yeah, a fucking, one of those peeps, when you talk about it, you're like, yeah, I. That's what I'll have. Yeah, a fucking,

one of those peeps, when you talk about it, you're like, yeah, I want to put marshmallow and sugar together. It's like, yeah, I would like to take my heroin and I'd like to dip it in crystal meth.

You're like, what? What would I do? Honey? Yeah? What are we watching tonight? Well, I was looking through what's available. How about Big Bang Theory?

Well, I'm only on the third season. Uh, Suicide Squad? Doesn't Jared Leto run a cult? Maybe Scooby-Doo? I mean, I did make brownies. Deadpool? Yum, Ryan Reynolds. Pleasureville?

Isn't it Pleasantville? The Love Boat? From the 70s? Pam Solo? Uh, Han Solo? No, silly. I'm looking at AdamAndEve.com's list of parody porn. You cheeky fuck.

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This story's my favorite. Oh, this is seriously. This happened a while ago. This happened like literally nine days ago, which is next, like last century. So a long time ago. But this happened like essentially in the 80s. That's how long ago it was. So I'm going to read the story.

You have to. Yeah. Okay. U.S. man teaching dog how to drive arrested after high speed chase. Los Angeles. A resident of the western U.S. state of Washington was arrested following a high speed chase that left officers dumbfounded after they found the man's pit bull behind the wheel. The incident unfolded Sunday. He amazed the officer and he looks at the passenger seat.

He sees the guy. He looks at the driver's seat. He sees the dog. He's like, okay, license and registration. I don't know. And the dog's like, the license is on my neck. It's right here. I don't know if you see it. It's right here.

Okay, I'm going to need to see, uh, excuse me puppy. Have you been drinking? Did you have your shots? The incident unfolded Sunday afternoon after police received calls about a driver hitting two vehicles in an area south of Seattle and then speeding away. State Trooper Heather Axman told, that's a great name too, told AFP. You're a state trooper with that name. You better be either that or an executioner.

Those are your two options, really. Or you're like one of those corporate guys who just is tired of fire people. You're like, oh, it's a little on the nose, but I just felt like it worked. You change your first name to T and become an accountant, so it's Taxman. She said the emergency services subsequently got multiple calls about a car traveling erratically at more than 100 miles per hour. Axeman said that as officers gave chase, they got close to the vehicle. And I love this, too. A 96 Buick.

A 1996 Buick. It's an over 20-year car. That's got to be the only operational 96 Buick still around. And it's going 100 miles an hour. Can you imagine how much that thing was shaking? It feels like it's reentering Earth's atmosphere. Are you kidding me? That's amazing.

It's got like heat shields on it. Those always explode on reentry though. It's beautiful. They were shocked to see a pit bull in a driver's seat and a man steering and pushing the gas pedal from the passenger side so wait he's not even sitting in the driver's seat with the dog in his lap he's straight up like no man i'm not even driving so the dog i'm not even driving sitting there he's doing all the work the dog is literally just sitting in. He's doing all the work. The dog is literally just sitting in the driver's seat.

You're not teaching the dog to do anything. The dog is just sitting there. Well, you know, he would be teaching him. The problem was it was an old dog and that's a new trick. So it doesn't. He couldn't learn it. He was going to try. He just couldn't.

Officer, I tried this with the clicker and a simulator at home and it worked much better. This thing, officer comes up and goes, have you been drinking today? And he's like, yeah, hair of the dog. Hair of the dog. Amazing. The pursuit ended after the police deployed spike strips.

This story can only be better if the dog's name was Spike. He's driving on the road and then like stop, stop. And he's like, I can't, the dog's driving. The dog's doing everything, He can't do it. Hey, look, I told him to slow down. I was like, hey, man, that's a little aggressive. He didn't even have his learner's permit. This is outrageous.

And they arrested 51-year-old Alberto Tito Alejandro, who was booked on multiple felonies, including driving under the influence of drugs. Oh, okay. Makes sense. I think that's a misprint. Driving under the influence of dogs is how that should have been. Driving under the influence of drugs. Oh, okay. Makes sense. I think that's a misprint. Driving under the influence of dogs is how that should have been. Driving under the influence of pugs, Tom. Come on.

When we took him into custody, he admitted to our troopers that he was trying to teach his dog to drive. His only regret is that it didn't work. He just like uh still a bad driver just what's the goal of teaching your dog to drive let's say that works let's say the dog could drive you're gonna send him to the store to get cigarettes for you i mean seriously like what

yeah and you're gonna have to go and then operate all the equipment for him. He's just going to sit there looking at girls like Spuds McKenzie. He's not going to do anything else. It's amazing. Just teach him to like wolf whistle out the car window. He does it so high

only the dogs turn to look at him. Now what, Spuzzy, you were trying to say about your special friend? His name is Jesse and he's a good Christian man with benefits. Benefits? Shoot, girl, why didn't you say so? Good morning, team.

You can get me for no extra charge. Oh, honey, this booty is still good. You can go ahead and check the expiration date on it. I ain't lying. So this story comes from AJC it's an Atlanta news source Tyler Perry pays senior hour groceries at 44 Kroger's in Atlanta and 29 Winn-Dixie's in New Orleans which is just fucking impressive as shit so some stores have senior hour. Like my dad is actually going to the grocery store during senior hour.

And ironically, he told me that the one near where he lives, because he lives in a community that has like a lot of older people, he said it was busier during senior hour. So he's not going to senior hour anymore. He's like, oh man, it was busier. And he's like, he also hour anymore he's like oh man it was busier and he's like he also says like it takes so much longer because everybody moves so much slower he's like it takes a lot longer than the hour um so higher risk kroger shoppers um got a surprise tyler perry just paid their fucking grocery bill like just yeah you yeah, you know what? I'm just going to fucking pay your goddamn grocery bill.

I think that's actually unbelievably amazing. That's like those, like, I was reminded when I read this of those guys that sometimes just show up someplace to just buy everybody's layaway. Yeah, yeah. You know, around Christmas time, there's always stories where people are just like, yeah, I'm just going to cover everyone's layaway, you know, or those stories where like somebody

has like $14 and covers an entire class is worth a school lunch that, you know, and then people can eat food because it's never any real money. And it's always depressing that it's happening. You know what? This is, this is just one example of so many people reaching out right now and trying to help other people, which is really great to see, you know, um, there's people who have, uh, bought pizzas for people in the ER. There's, uh, you know, uh, those, the people that are given away, you know, several celebrities have given millions of dollars. I know some of the billionaires out there giving millions and millions of dollars, Celebrities have given millions of dollars.

I know some of the billionaires out there are giving millions and millions of dollars. Going out of their way to try to do something to try to help during this sort of thing. And this was just a great, what I really liked about this was it was just so specific and aimed at a group of people that are probably in need. You know? Yeah.

The seniors that were coming in, they were, you know, they'd come up to the register and they would basically say, yeah, you're covered. We got you covered. Um, and then it was, like you said, it was 44 different stores. I find that those are sometimes in, in, in, uh, they're not in short supply when there's a, when there's a tragedy, when there's some kind of tragedy like this. And it's nice to see, they're just nice to see a nice, instead of just constantly reporting all the same stuff over like this. And it's nice to see. They're just nice to see and nice. Instead of just constantly reporting all the same stuff over and over again, it's nice to see this.

Well, I thought this was really great because Tyler Perry comes out with 14 movies a year. So this seemed like a really good way for him to spend some of this. It's like so many fucking Tyler Perry movies. There's so many of them. Everybody had to take one copy of one of his movie DVDs to go to in order to get it.

They were like, I'll pay for my own groceries. No, I'm good. Yeah, no. It's so mean. I don't need it that bad. Oh, it's so mean. Is physical affection worth bronchitis? Asking for a friend.

I mean, look, if you're making out with someone who has a cold you know just you know be advised like I love my wife and she is always worth getting bronchitis for and in fact we wrote that in our vows so this story is a great story about like

real fucking sacrifice and leadership and what that looks like and how few bone spurs it involves. This story comes from Euronews. I don't recognize it, but go ahead. It's fine. I don't recognize what that is, but go ahead.

No, it's fine. Ireland's premier, Leo Varadkar, re-registers as a doctor during a coronavirus pandemic. So Ireland's prime minister is going back to work as a doctor during the crisis.. So Ireland's prime minister is going back to work. Yeah. As a doctor during the craze.

He's a doctor. He's like, yeah, I haven't fucking doctored in a while. I've been busy being the prime minister of Ireland, but you know what? We need doctors. We need help.

People need, people need some fucking work out here. So he just fuck it. Yeah. Re-register back to work. Let's do this. That's amazing. That's fucking leadership.

That's putting your fucking money where your mouth is. A hundred percent. And you know, like this week we found that the New York Times reported that, that Trump had ties in some ways to the Corona,

to the coronavirus medication, that hydrochloroquine that we were talking about. No. He had some ties. And it's funny too because the first time I heard him touting that stuff, the first thing I thought was, does he own a stock

in this or something? Why does he keep talking about it? And it's something that we never really talked about with Natalia. But man, it genuinely is one of those things where you just see over and over and over again. Even I think the Wall Street Journal even called him out

for making those press briefings about himself. All those press briefings are just about himself. And here you have a guy who's totally in the exact opposite hemisphere, just, you know, 100% doing the exact opposite thing that Trump is doing. Yeah, it's just incredible to put himself in genuine harm's way,

like personal harm's way. Fucking medical workers are, that is dangerous fucking work for those guys. And like when they're getting, when the medical workers get coronavirus, like they're not getting a mild case down the negative side. So it's just so incredible that somebody would say, yeah, all right, here we go. I don't have to do this work. I am not registered to do this work. I have other important work to do. Did you see that? But fuck it. Let's go. Did you see that there was a bill that someone was trying to pass this week where they're saying that two things that came up. One of them was they're looking to try to pass a bill that would eliminate all medical debt

for medical student debt. So if you're a medical student and you add debt, it would be eliminated after this is over. So they're looking into doing that. I don't know, that probably won't ever, nothing's ever going to get passed, but I'm just saying like- No, if it's a good idea or just, yeah, it's not going to work.

But then the other one was a $25,000 bonus to anybody who is doing this work right now that's out there. That's, that's, uh, you know, one of those grocery store workers or whatever, anybody who's basically exposing themselves every day, they would get extra money. Um, they would get, they would get some kind of additional money from, I think it's like a government award or something like that. They're trying to put, again, money from I think it's like a government award or something like that they're trying to put again I don't think it's going to go through but it's a nice thought you know

yeah it's nice that like essential workers who put themselves out there to keep like parts of the economy that we all rely on you know like I filled my car with gas like the fucking gas station is open you know like those guys make garbage money like they make

garbage money absolutely you know the grocery store clerk they don't make you know it's not good money it's not like fucking high on the hog money no that these people are making and they are absolutely at risk all the time fucking drive-thrus for regular fucking mcdonald's are open like that shit like those people are in harm's way and they're staying in harm's way. All the people in the- And they're continuing to do that work. All the postal workers,

all the Amazon workers, all the people who are driving around the UPS people, packages now are the thing, right? That's the thing. And then talk about all the DoorDash people and all the Ubers and all the, those people are still, you know,

think about being an Uber driver right now. Think about what that's got to be like. You know, you got to let somebody in your cab all the time and, and, you know, you got to breathe that same air as them for how long. And gosh, it's got to be terrifying. I don't, if you could not do it, you probably wouldn't, but the chances are is that you can't not do it. You just don't have any other opportunities. You know, there's people right now that are, you know, that used to work in, in restaurants. And I saw a bunch of, you know, testimonials or whatever, that they're now working in grocery stores. They were waitresses and waiters and things like that. And now they're just like, well, the grocery store needs round the clock help. I'll just go to the grocery store and that's where I'll work. And so they're finding

these jobs with that, that are available. But again, you're still in harm's way at the grocery store. Even if you're just, even if you are just stocking the shelves and not interacting as much with people, you're still in that place all day. And they're not social distancing to the point where you're- And you're busy touching shit other people have touched. Yeah, and they're not social distancing to the point where they're saying,

okay, only 25 people in the grocery store. At least not by me, they're not. Yeah, they're doing social distancing at the grocery store out here where i'm at so like it's actually super weird like they have like carts set up on the side like on their sides like as like pillars and they're six feet apart and they only let a certain number of people in at a time so they wait for people to go out oh wow before they let other people in and they like count them and whatever but But it's like the apocalypse is like seven upturned grocery carts.

It's like that's a... I'm done with the Joe Baskin saga. It's now time to turn the tables and Joe get out of jail. A free man and exonerated from all these charges. This story comes from the Daily Mail and is fucking amazing. This is now you want to talk about leadership. You want to talk about priorities and making sure that you're really like fucking laser fucking focused on what the world needs right now. This story is everything. Finger on the pulse.

Donald Trump's... Yeah. This is... I don't want to waste any time. My days are very full. I got to make sure I think about all the issues. Donald Trump says he will look at pardoning Tiger King's Joe Exotic

after Don Jr. said the zoo owner's 22-year-old prison... 22-year prison sentence for murder for hire seemed aggressive. Murder for hire, 22 years. And you're like, nah, that's a little, that's a little, that's a little too much. I just think, you know, is there any way we could just do time served? What the fuck? The president at a press conference when asked about it said he will look into it what do you fucking mean you will look into it dismiss it out of hand it is not important

are you kidding me you don't have you shouldn't have time to look into it number one when somebody says that to you you should just be like what what? Who? No, I don't. My son is my son. He's if he's at home watching Netflix, I should never be able to do that. Right. I should. I'm the president of the goddamn United States during a pandemic that has infected over a quarter million Americans. I should not be. I should not be binging a fucking docu-series on fucking netflix i mean what is happening what is going on like in what world are you like oh yeah that uh that prison sentence for that guy who hired someone to kill his fucking right rival or what have you like that's that's i want to get involved in that one that's the fucking hill i want to die on like i know that

like like like americans are going like the the single largest cause of bankruptcy in my country is fucking medical debt i know 16 million people in the last three weeks lost their jobs. The more like like the worst job loss in American history in a single week was six hundred eighty two thousand in nineteen and eighty two. Ten times as many people lost their jobs in a single ten times broke the record by tenfold in a single week and across a three week span at 16 million, rivaling the unemployed numbers of the Great Depression. You're like, yeah, but like that one guy with a fucking crazy eyebrow ring, maybe doesn't need to spend so many years in prison.

What are you talking about? What are you even saying? He gets convicted, right? And then there's two other dudes that are just literally scot-free that concocted the plan with him. And Don Jr. is watching this

thinking, oh, you know, he should have got off like that fat one. Right. Not like, oh, maybe not enough people went to jail. More people need to go to jail. Not the other way around. He shouldn't be asking if we should pardon Joe Exotic.

They should be asking when the fucking when that dude and the other fat guy are going to go to jail. That's the real question. Jesus. There's no world where you watch Tiger King and you're like, that Joe Exotic seems like a sympathetic figure. What are you talking about?

I like that guy. Yo, you know what I love the most about him is when he started singing at his fucking boyfriend's funeral. That was my favorite. And he started joking about his balls. Oh, man, what a class act that Joe Exotic is. He not only started singing, he's singing a song

about himself. About himself! Like it had nothing to do. He sang a song at his dead husband's funeral that had nothing to do. It wasn't like, here's a song I wrote

about my dead husband. Here's a song like, about like, how much I loved him. It's straight up a song about like, and I loved cats when my brother died.

I had his dream to have some cats and there's some big cats now I brought ring. It's so true and it's sad as fuck. Oh my God, the poor kid is dead

and he's just singing a song about himself. But I tell you what, Tom, that is why he's a sympathetic figure to Trump because Trump would do the exact same thing. Melania's funeral would be like, it was a pretty why he's a sympathetic figure to Trump. Because Trump would do the exact same thing.

Melania's funeral would be like, it was a pretty good funeral. I planned the whole thing. I just want you to know. And I look pretty good. You know, as a widower, I think I look good. Great ratings on Melania's funeral. Best ratings of any funeral. I'll tell you what, so many people watch.

I think we did great things at this funeral. Just very great things. I'm going to make an amazing widower. I think we did great things at this funeral. Just very great things. I'm going to make an amazing widow. I'm already on Tinder. Swipe right if you like orange peoples. It's unbelievable. Daddy swore an oath. An oath to finally finish Jules Verne's Mysterious Island.

I've tried like three times. There's so many descriptions of plants and rocks. So this story comes from Raw Story. Ammon Bundy and other far-right extremists in Idaho vowed to defy GOP governor's social distancing order. All right. So good luck on that in Idaho. Look, Idaho is social distancing. You can't be in a crowd in Idaho. You could take everybody in Idaho, lock them in a fucking walk-in closet, and they would still be

six feet apart. It's Idaho. It's a potato state. It's literally a state nobody remembers we have ever. Have we ever gotten a single email from Idaho? I don't think so. I don't think so. And we've made fun of Idaho. The only city I think I know, I know two. One is named after the state and has falls after it. And the other one is

Boise. The other thing that's hilarious about this is, isn't Ammon Bundy and his crew social distancing champions already? Didn't they already just hide in a birdhouse

forever? Like a bird watching station forever? And nobody cared? Everybody was just like, yeah, whatever, man. Cool. You took over.

Oh, man, the crazy militia guys, you took over something. Nobody cares. Like, when you have no friends, that's not social distancing, Ammon.

That's just being lonely because you're unpleasant. Yeah, it's social distancing. It's just reversed. It's the reason why nobody wants to be around you. It's not the other way around. Oh, God.

You know, this is a trend, though, that I'm seeing a lot of. And this is not just to these people that do the, am I being detained? What do they call those people? Oh, the sovereign citizens. Yeah. So it's not just these nuts. It's also the QAnon nuts also don't think it's a thing. Then there's other groups, the church groups that keep on saying, don't do it.

You shouldn't do it because of because it's bad or whatever. Don't social distance. Come to church. We need your money. So there's a bunch of these different groups. And then there's also just like the, it's a hoax. I mean, even up until very recently, Rush Limbaugh was talking about it being a hoax still. A bunch of these people are still having these conversations about how it's not a real thing, right? And they keep saying it. Is Rush Limbaugh still saying about it being a hoax still. A bunch of these people are still having these conversations

about how it's not a real thing, right? And they keep saying it. Is Rush Limbaugh still saying it's a hoax? I saw a story just the other day where he was still talking about it. Oh my God. Right? So it's this insane rhetoric

that's coming out from all these different sources that think that it's not a thing. They think it's not real. So we talked on the live stream last week about a guy who tried to drive his train into the fucking boat because he's a cuckoo, because he's a nutcase, right? And so there's a lot of people out there that are doubting this. And you and I were having a conversation earlier about, you know, it's looking good for some states. Some states are way ahead of the curve on where they should be. And it's looking good because people have mostly followed the rules in those states. And people are there. The hospitals aren't over overrun. You know, yeah, they're busy, but they're not overrun. There are people that are dying. And that's a tragedy. But it's certainly not the numbers that we thought it was going to be because people listened and they acted early. And, you know, New York's not like that. Louisiana's not like that. A couple other places across the country are not like that. And now it's starting to populate itself in rural

areas and rural areas are not actually, they're not equipped to handle this sort of thing. They just don't, they don't have the resources, the types of hospitals that they need to even handle this sort of thing. And rural areas of this country, especially get out of it because they did the right things, the more license they will have to ignore this crisis. There could be others. I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else. You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.

Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay. So this is another story that's, it's good news, but it's the kind of good news that reminds you that this was bad news. It reminds you like a week ago it was bad news. You know what I mean? Cecil, you found this story because we decided we were going to do more pleasant, upbeat, upbeat topics.

And I didn't do that when I did my show research like I normally did. And so you put this one on there, and I was like, that's still a thing. Yeah. You didn't think it would be. Yeah. Here's the topic. FDA eases ban on gay blood donations amid coronavirus uh outbreak and i love the way that's written because it implies that the blood is gay

yeah right the blood the blood has its own preference sorry we're not going to take your cootie blood thank you very much i want to see your type O face. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Yeah. So like, I mean, like we're, I love the idea that it takes a crisis for people to be like, you know who we're not afraid of anymore in 2020? Gay people. Right? I can't fucking for real? well and the isn't the ban on this

the just the idea of like the gay plague isn't that where this comes from? I think the idea on this was that like

initially in the in the 80s and early 90s like when the HIV crisis was at its peak and it disproportionately

affected people that were gay, that like the worry was like that we were going to accidentally have a blood supply which wasn't screened properly and people were going to get, and I think that there was probably a point in time where there was enough unknowns

that there was probably some reason behind that, right? Like, you know, you don't want to take blood donations from fucking HIV, you know, like IV drug users, right? Like, that's just a bad, it's just a bad idea. It's higher risk blood. We just, we just, we'll pass on that. Sure, we don't need that. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. So, but like, it's 2020. And also, this hasn't been a real big problem now for a fucking long time. Like, a real long time. And, like, gay people still couldn't donate blood. Like, look, here's the thing. If I need blood, I'll take your blood no matter who you're fucking. Are you kidding me?

I will ring you out. I will take your blood. Fuck you. There's no amount. You can be like, here's the list of shit I like to do. But I'm like, I don't care. Are you full of blood? Are you full of life-saving liquid for me?

I don't care what you have to do to make the semen come out. If I want the blood to go in, you can do that while donating blood. It's an unreal level of prejudice that we have against a community that is already a community that's persecuted, right? So it's already not a community that is widely accepted all across the country. And then you're just going to say, yeah, well, we're just going to institutionalize our prejudice against you. I'm glad. I'm glad, though, genuinely glad that they are going to change their minds on this. And I don't know if they have in the past for other tragedies, but, you know, at least, you know, there sometimes is good ripple effects from this. And maybe this changes their mind after this that this is okay.

You know, what I have to think is that like many other things, once this is changed, it doesn't change back, right? Right. Because like at some point you have to be like, alright, thanks for all the blood, but we still think you have cooties, no thank you. Like, you know, it's just, a lot of shit is no takesies

backsies when it comes to this kind of stuff and I think this is one of them. Yeah, exactly. And I think it's awesome because like, fucking let's stop being dicks about this. Just want to remind everybody that our live streams happen every Thursday at 9 p.m. Central. This next clip is from April 9th. This video is presented for educational purposes.

When is Bill Gates's serpent tongue going to come out of his mouth? You can't see this, Tom, but he is 100% not synced right now. He's talking, and like 15 seconds after he started talking, his mouth started to move. It's amazing. His mouth, and when will his horns and tail appear? This man is building.

Okay. Ian, take us off. Put this on. Put this guy on. Just so people can see it. Here we go. Watch the difference. This is amazing.

When is Bill Gates' serpent tongue going to come out of his mouth? And when will his horns and tail appear? going to come out of his mouth and when will his horns and tail appear? This man is building Lucifer's Antichrist system. Gosh, do you have to hire that

out? Or can you do that yourself? Can you work on that architecture yourself if you're Bill Gates? Because you're pretty smart if you're Bill Gates. I think, but that seems like the sort of thing like he just like delegates like he comes up with the idea and it's brilliant. He just kind of like moves it. I love the idea like we're going to shit on Bill Gates, like somebody who's giving away massive, massive amounts of his money and has like dedicated the entire back half of his life to helping solve many of the world's most intractable problems,

which he does not have to do. He is under no obligation whatsoever to do that. It's like, you know who's a really bad guy? That really good guy. You can just fuck giant piles of money until he dies. That's what he can do. There's nothing. There's no law whatsoever. There's no rule. There's not even There's no law whatsoever. There's no rule.

There's not even a hell of a lot of social pressure. That means that he has to do any of the shit that he does. There really isn't a lot of social pressure on billionaires. There should be, but there isn't. But there's not. He could take that money and fuck right off with it if he wants to. He could take that money and just move to another country and just lay atop a fucking bed of oil titties for the rest of his life.

That is what he could do. He could just, that could be his whole life forever. But instead he's not doing that. I need a moment with a bed of oil titties. Give me a second. Okay, I'm ready. Bill Gates wants to track every human who's been vaccinated with a coronavirus vaccine. And he wants to put a microchip in the vaccine, a nano-sized microchip. You cannot have a nano-sized microchip.

A nano-sized? Just not even how any of that works. It's a nano-chip. It nano sized? Just not even how any of that works. It's a nano chip. Like learn what words are and how they work and the meanings behind them and a little bit of science. Learn one science accidentally.

Please. A nano sized microchip. I just want to say real quick, Ian, his voice and his and his video aren't syncing up. Is there any way that you could troubleshoot it for him for several hours? That's an inside joke, guys.

Ian thought it was funny though, right, Ian? Hilarious. Ian thought it was funny though right Ian hilarious so we want to thank our patrons the generous support of all of our patrons but we want to specifically thank our newest patrons Noah, Glenn Danielle, Brandy our newest patrons, Noah, Glenn,

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That's great. I like that one. I don't know. Bill, the Bartender, Nick, Jaden, Andrew, Deporia, and Mooseman, Cognitively Dissonant, Jesse, Jaden, Andrew, Deporia and Moosman, Cognitively Dissonant, Jesse, Skip Sanders, Hayden, David, Christopher, Jareen, Matt,

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We're really grateful to you guys. It's been heartwarming. It's been, I think, very sincere. And we're very, very grateful to you for it. So thank you. And I just received word from my work. They are continuing paying people through the 30th of June. That's locked in. They are continuing paying people through the 30th of June.

That's locked in, but we've got till the 30th of June to figure some things out. And I'm in higher ed and I'm in a tuition-based institution. And if things don't change significantly by the fall quarter, the start of the fall quarter, which is traditionally when things happen, there can be significant layoffs at my work. They're already talking about it.

And they're already, those rumblings are already starting. So we want to thank everybody who has donated. If you are someone who has listened for a long time or even for a short time and you enjoy the show, this may become our livelihood sooner rather than later. And so if you can spare, I want to ask you, please go become a patron.

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we want to urge you to become one. We got an image from Ariel. And these are great. There's cookies. And it's an image of cookies. Easter cookies, Tom. It's Easter this weekend. Easter will have occurred yesterday

when this release is wide release. These are the most Easter cookies of all Easter cookies. They are super Easter cookies. I always used to cut the head off the lamb cake. That was always my favorite thing that I did. Did your mom make lamb cake? My mom used to make lamb cake all the time. That's what she used to make constantly. I off the lamb cake. That was always my favorite thing that I did. Did your mom make lamb cake? My mom used to make lamb cake all the time. That's what she used to make constantly.

I love the lamb cake. Buttercream frosting on a pound cake. You can't beat it. It's amazing. I got a message from Tony and Tony sent in a website called chicagovirus.com and it tracks all the COVID cases in Chicago. I wonder if there's a lot of other places that do that. all the COVID cases in Chicago. I wonder if there's a lot of other places that do that. Chicago and the rest of Illinois so far has been doing really well. JB Pritzker, who's our governor, who I held my nose and voted for,

has been absolutely really kind of amazing thus far as a governor, as far as governors go. He's really shown what true leadership is. And I never thought I would say those words about JB Pritzker. We got a message from a couple of people this week, and I'm not going to say from who, but they work in jobs that are essential. And some of them are delivery people. Some of them are people that work in the front lines in different areas, healthcare, and also people who work in grocery stores. And I just want to say to all you people,

I hope that there is some compensation at the end of this rainbow for you. A lot of us get to sit at home and just be at home and be comfortable. And you, most people don't have to leave their house and go possibly get infected every day. And the people who do, I'm not gonna call you a hero

because I think that that's worthless in a lot of ways. I think what you really need is compensation, some kind of hazard pay of some sort, because it's unbelievable that we're not willing to give that kind of money to people who are putting themselves in harm's way way more than the rest of us who get to sit and bitch about our tiny boxes

that we have to stay in. But I don't have to worry about anybody breathing on me today. Right. We got a message from Dennis, and Dennis sent a message that just said, love and support. And he said that we helped him get through

his computer science degree. And he recently became a patron. So we want to thank you, Dennis from Germany, for listening. It always warms my heart when people from other countries find our politics funny enough to laugh at. I know. I'm always surprised. We don't get a lot of from Germany. So I'm always grateful from there. Absolutely. So the last thing is Aaron sent in an image and this is actually a really funny image. So we're going to post it on this week's show notes. Check it out.

This is episode 519. So that is going to wrap it up for this week. We hope you come back next week to watch us on our live stream on Thursday nights. Remember nine o'clock live stream central time. And we will be back next week with another full show. Hopefully we can find more uplifting things for you. And hopefully this was a fun change of pace. Let us know what you think. Send us a message, dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. You can also send us, you know,

you can also tweet at us or you can send us a Patreon message. There's lots of ways that you can reach us, but we'd love to hear what you thought about this week's show in comparison to the other ones. And if this was a fun change of pace for you. That's going to wrap it up for this week. We'd like to leave you like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue,

hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches,

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