Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 52: Bagingo!

Episode Date: June 17, 2012

Gay marriage is one of worst threats in 500 years, says Church of England Teacher tried to rid teens of demons, say police Louisiana Lawmakers Object To Funding Islamic School Under New Voucher Program Vagina remarks, silencing of Michigan lawmakers draws firestorm Atheist's bizarre bid to convert Christian Peter Lucas Moses, North Carolina Man, Pleads Guilty In Deaths Of Woman And Boy He Thought Was Gay Hey Fox, What About This "War on Marriage?" Divorce Rates Are Highest Among Evangelicals Cleric declares jihad against polio campaign Mob attacks march against sexual harassment in Egypt Gay pageant winner murdered Clips: Jesus Camp, Allahu Akbar, CSPAN Vagina, You’re an atheist?, The Princess Bride, A Few Good Men. Visit our Website at http://dissonancepod.com for all the links.

Do you want to get Cognitive Dissonance streamed to your iPhone or Blackberry? If so, download Stitcher free today at Stitcher.com. So for the intro this time, we're going to do something a little different. Tomorrow, we're recording on Saturday this week. It's June 16th. Tomorrow, on June 17th, I've been married at that point for 12 years. Got married in 2000. And when I got married, and I know, Tom, you're one of my best men.

I don't know what they call those. Groomsmen? Is that it? Groomsmen? I think so. I stood up and wore a tuxedo-ish. You wore a thing and you stood by me, I don't know, just to protect me from her family, I think. I don't know. I'll take a bullet for you, man.

Why you even do that sort of thing these days. Like, I wonder why people aren't armed. You know what I mean? Like, you should be armed. You should have had a sword or something. Yeah, no, I had an Uzi hidden in my jacket the whole time. It's taped to your back. Just in case shit got real.

Right, absolutely, yeah. So you were there. But I got married in a Catholic church. Now, to bring people up to speed, my wife, when I first met her, was Catholic, a pretty devout Roman Catholic. And we had decided, we had talked beforehand about where we were going to get married. And we went back and forth about what we were going to do, how we were going to do it. There was a lot of pressure on us to get married in a church. Now, I had initially wanted to get married outside, and I think Sarah was on the same page as me.

But there was a lot of pressure for us to get married in a church. Now, I had initially wanted to get married outside, and I think Sarah was on the same page as me, but there was a lot of pressure for us to get married in a church. And I remember talking to a priest at one point, a priest that wasn't involved in the ceremony. And I had mentioned to him, I was like, I don't know that I want to get married in this church. And he knew I was an atheist, and we started talking. One of the things he said was like, does it, he's like, would it matter if you got married in, you know, outside? And I was like, no. He's like, would it matter? And he started naming off all these places. I was like, no, it wouldn't matter where I got married. And he's like, exactly. So why not get married in a church? And I was like, touche, fine, sir. I guess it doesn't matter as much to me.

So we wound up getting married in a church. We had to go through a pre-cana process in order to get married in the Catholic church. And my wife was a devout Catholic for many years. I would say in the last five years, she fell away from the church. And there's some reasoning behind that. And my wife and I recently wrote a letter and I have the letter right here. I'm going to read it. It is addressed to Pope Benedict, Apostolic Palace, 00120 Via de Pellegrino. And that's in Vatican City. And I wrote to Big Popa this letter. And I wanted to read it to you right now.

To whom it may concern. On June 17, 2000, my wife and I were married at, and I tell them what Catholic church we got married at. During the Pre-Cana, my wife and I were candid with the priest about our own faiths and our possible future raising children. The priest knew that I was an atheist, but I did promise that if I did have children, I would raise them Catholic. A few years later, my wife and I had several serious discussions about becoming parents. After months of discernment, we decided that child rearing was not for us. When my wife talked to her priest about this, she was told that we should get an annulment, as one of the major tenets of Catholicism is to multiply. These words struck my wife very hard. In fact, it shook her

faith. She since then has distanced herself from the church and has become a universalist. This blatant rejection is the purpose of this letter. From today forward, my wife, and I say her name, and I, and I give my name, wish to no longer be recognized as a married couple in the Catholic faith. We will still be keeping this civil union as it means a great deal to both of us. But as far as a Catholic marriage is concerned, you can consider that bond dissolved. We will do no more paperwork or consultation on this annulment. My wife and I will consider this matter closed. We would like to thank you and your institution for your rigid adherence to this tenant. Without this, we would not have been able to grow as people and realize

the real importance of our marriage are not that institution recognizes it, but that we do. It really comes down to us loving our bond exponentially more than you do. If there is some record of our marriage in your church, please destroy it at your earliest convenience. We will be keeping our marriage certificate to show that we are still a union under Illinois law. Sincerely. I was going to put fuck you there.

You think that's a little harsh or... Maybe a hair. Just a touch. I'll keep sincerely, and then I give our names. So, in honor of my anniversary, which is tomorrow, I'm sending this letter to Big Pulp to tell him to go – kindly go fuck himself and take his Catholic marriage with him. You could also have addressed that to Palpatine at one Death Star Plaza. No, Death Star was blown up a couple years ago. It's going to have to go to Coruscant.

So I just want to say that this has been a great experience. And Sarah, I love you. Happy 12th anniversary. And Cognitive Dissonance starts now. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance.

Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome, Matt. You know, Cecil, that was very heartfelt, and I appreciate you reading that. I want to add the following. Vagina.

I'm just throwing that out there. I could put that in there and make the Pope blush. Just, you know, you never know. It makes old white guys blush, it turns out. Turns out. It turns out. Not the favorite. It's the word of the week.

This episode brought to you by the word vagina. And the letter V. And the letter V. We have a whole shit ton of awesome awful fucking stories for you this week. We're going to lead from a story from the Independent. This is terrific.

Gay marriage is one of the worst threats in 500 years! Says Church of England. 500 years. And they've been keeping track. They have a very detailed ledger about threats. Right. Yeah. Church of England is

worried that gay marriage is the big threat? Yeah. Really? It's not your fucking irrelevance? Maybe you might want to consider that a bigger threat. Sure, sure. Church of England. Hey, Cecil, how many people do you know belong to the Church of England?

Well, everybody in England. Yeah, but isn't that just like mandatory? I think you have to. I don't know. Like you wake up. When you wake up in the – like when you get born, you come out and they put like – you know like how we grade beef here with our stamps? They stamp you there with like the Church of England. It's like on your right-ass cheek or something.

That'd be fantastic if they branded babies with Church of England stamps. Property of the Church of England. Right. I own you, bitch. At least it's not the Catholic Church, because when you're branded by the Catholic Church, they use a different instrument, it turns out. It's true. It's true. It turns out they have to use it again and again and again.

It's a rebranding process. I got to say, I got to say, if you're against gay marriage, you could depict a gayer photo than the photo on this article. I know, right? It's like, wow, what do we have here? How about this guy looking like he's about to bow down to the fucking phallic altar there in just a few moments. I also like the critics dismissed the church's stance as overly dramatic. What an awful thing to say to somebody. It's like, oh, you're just being a fucking drama queen. What I love is they say in this article, Tom, they say, but the church counters that the proposals

changes the meaning of marriage, which is defined by both canon and parliamentary law. You know, I understand maybe changing canon law, but they're saying, who cares? It's not about the canon anymore. And it changing parliamentary law, like I'm sure there was a fucking slavery law that you had. That's been changed. Parliamentary law gets changed. That's what happens to it. Yeah, laws change.

That's the thing about laws. They just change. You're telling me that this is one of the biggest threats. This isn't one of the biggest threats. What this is, is an indicator light on the dashboard of your continuing irrelevance. That's really what it is. That's why nobody cares. That's why everybody dismisses you. Like, well, we disagree with that. Well, we don't care about you. You're not an important part of daily life. You don't have a stranglehold on morality or what's right and wrong. So it's not gay marriage that's the problem. It's your irrelevance that's the problem. Nobody cares about you, Church of England.

Nobody cares about you, Church of England. They even say it here. At one point he says, the person who's involved in this, one of the bishops, I think it's the Bishop of Leicester or whatever, says, I probably mispronounced that. We're going to get fucking six letters on how I mispronounced that. It says, if a category of marriage is created which separates the church's understanding of marriage from that of the state, it is bound to have some effect on the relationships of the church and its locality. No kidding, asshole. Like fucking – that's the fucking point of the law, dude. Right. Don't you feel like they've got this backwards?

Like they're saying like, wait a minute, wait a minute. We won't be as important. And it's like saying like, no, no, no, no, no. You're not important. Yeah. And that's why we're ignoring you. You're already not important. Right.

You're not. You've got this all backwards, the Church of England. Gosh. Wasn't the Church of England created anyway so that a king could divorce fucking his wife wasn't wasn't the church of england actually created in order to bypass other moral restrictions yeah i mean only technically so now the church of england is upset that somebody's trying to bypass their moral restrictions just create a new church of england what, what is it? Because a turnabout is fair play. Create a new one, right?

Church of New England. Wait, that's a different place. New Church of England. That's better. That's better. I just pray over this equipment. We speak over the PowerPoint presentations, all of the video projectors. And we say, devil, we know what you love to do in meetings like this. And we say, you will not, in Jesus' name, you will not prevent this message from going out.

No microphone problems, in Jesus' name. So this next story comes from Bay News 9. The finest news in the Bay. Teacher tried to rid teens of demons. Say police. This story is from St. Petersburg, Florida, because of course it is. Florida? Florida, the place where you get the most mug shots.

This is utterly insane. She convinced a couple of teenagers that they had demons inside their bodies. And of course the only way to get rid of demons is to cut yourself with broken glass and then burn the wound shut with a heated up house key to prevent the demon from getting back into your body. Because, I mean, who doesn't know that? There's lots of ways. Tom, that's not the only way. There's lots of ways. Like you can – I've heard that you could like hold a hex nut under your tongue. That keeps demons away.

There's another popular way, Tom. You hold one heated Pop-Tart over your eye. Just over the left eye, and it will keep the demons away. No, man, that fucking filling will blind you. That filling, that's the thing that gets the demon out, because the filling touches you, and the demon's like, fuck that. No, no, I'll take a fucking burning house key all

day to Pop-Tart fill it. Somehow your toaster converts that filling into magma. It's like immediately, what the fuck? I'm surprised it doesn't erupt out of your tongue. It doesn't shoot a geyser of fucking cherry-filled fucking flavoring all over your kitchen

and then kill you all. That's like falling into a vata fucking molten lead, you know? That shit is fucking Terminator-style destruction. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Now, hold on. Now, this is what she did. What she did was

she cut them open, like you said, with glass. And then sealed it with the key. Now, I gotta say, if you had, say, a bat in your house, you wouldn't fucking knock down a wall to get the bat out of your house. You wouldn't be like, fuck, there's a bat in my house. Quick wouldn't fucking knock down a wall to get the bat out of your house.

You wouldn't be like, fuck, there's a bat in my house. Quick, go get the bulldozer and then some cellophane to fucking tape that shit up. You would find like you'd figure out a way to get the bat out with the least damage possible to your abode. That would be the plan, right? Unless you're like that squirrel cop guy from This American Life. But that's a different show. So if you, but seriously, you would figure out a different way.

Like are the Catholics so good at this that they're like the animal control of the demon world, that they don't have to cut you open, they don't have to reseal that shit up with a key, that they just show up and they're like, I can get you out just by telling it to go away. Like are they better at it than this woman? I don't know. Maybe she's got, I mean, I like that she uses a key and a piece of glass. Right. Because why, were there no knives available?

She also, she doesn't even do it. She instructs another teen to do it. So, like, you got your buddy standing there, right? Right, sure. So, you remember when you were a teenager and your teacher was like, hey, there's a demon in your best friend. Here's a fucking shard of glass. I'll eat the key. Let's get this shit done. What? Yeah. What? One of my favorite quotes from this from this article is the executive director of the center says Hawkins recently got Harkins. I'm sorry. Recently got into a religion, but she's not sure what it's about. Well, she fucking is now. She's sure fucking do it now. She's into fucking key burning. She's going to have plenty of time to study her religion behind bars. And there will be a lot of people to reinforce that religion there because there's a lot of religious criminals.

So she'll have a lot. The Bible study group there will be fine for her. And they don't let you have heated keys. So she's going to be fine there. The thing is that once you get to prison, she's going to be in fucking heaven because they're all possessed by demons. Oh, yeah. So she's just going to be like leaping about with glass, just cutting everybody's back, and I'm sure they'll be grateful for it. Sure.

She ghosts the Gargarian. She's a fucking key master. Keymaster. My favorite part of this article, as Tom said, it's from Bay News 9. It says, please say Harkins also poured perfume on a 16-year-old's

right hand and lit it on fire in a ritualistic burning to expel evil spirits. They also forgot the line, and to look totally badass. They forgot that line the line, and to look totally badass. They forgot that line. This is going to look so cool. Dude, I'm going to light this perfume on fire in your hand.

Yeah, we're going to burn you. Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry. It's a ritualistic burn. Oh, fucking A. Fuck yeah. Bring it on. Yeah, you didn't say that, that it was going to be a ritualistic burning,

because that sounds good. That's fucking exciting now. Man. As long as there's a ritual involved. Yeah. Fucking idiot. What's wrong with these two teenagers, too? I know, but listen.

Like at a certain point, you got to think, you know, you listen to the teacher because they're an authority. But at a certain point, you got to be like, demons aren't real, lady. You're weird. I'm calling the principal. Like what? She's like, OK, OK, now we've got to burn you. This is going fucking too far. Already I need stitches.

So don't worry. We'll seal the wound up with this heated up house. What? So this next story is from thinkprogress.org. And I like this story a lot. Louisiana lawmakers object to funding Islamic school under new voucher program. So Louisiana legislature narrowly passed an education spending bill that allows students in low performing districts to pay for private school tuition using state funded vouchers. And the religious have been pushing voucher programs all across our country for a very long time.

And they push them on a couple of different grounds. The first being the rallying cry that is oft used of religious freedom. I got religious freedom and I can go to send my kids to whatever the fucking school I want. I don't want to send them to this, you know, fucking hippie commune Darwinist bullshit public school. hippie commune darwinist bullshit public school system hippie commune full of fucking liberal pinkos you know and and the other one is just the the economic argument that the voucher system they feel is you know some people feel is more uh fair you know hey i'm paying taxes it's my money for education i can use it to send my kids to whatever batshit crazy school I want. It's backfiring on them, Cecil. Yeah. And, you know, it's backfiring in the most delightful of ways, it turns out. Like the kind of ways where you sit back like Mr. Burns, like where your fingers are

pointed up and you're going, excellent. Like you're so happy that it's backfiring in such a way because they're fine with all the Catholics are not Catholic. They're fine with all the Christian schools. Doesn't matter what the Christian school is. If it's a Christian ideology, that's fine. But the moment the Islamic school asked for a certain number of vouchers, it was 38 was what they wanted. And some of them I've taken as many as 300 vouchers. But the 38 comes in and they're like, no, no, no, I won't support this.

And at one point, this guy, he's representative, Kenneth Harvard. He's a Republican from Jackson, says he says at one point, basically explaining that it's going to be funding Islamic teaching. He says, I won't go back home and explain to my people that I supported this. Why will the bigots kick you out of the bigot club? Like what happens? Well, the answer is yes. And then the bigot club in this case is, you know, the Louisiana legislature. Well, I just, that's, that's his bigot club. The one thing that we were talking about before the show, Tom was the voucher system. And I'm not, I don't really have any opinions on the voucher system mainly because I don't have children.

My tax dollars go to paying for children to go to school, but I don't get to see any of that cash. I don't get to see the fruits of that at all because I don't have any children. The one thing that strikes me though, if the students are getting these vouchers back from the government to send them to private school, part of me says, well, where's my voucher? You know, why don't I get as a child-free person, why don't I get money back then? If you're giving money back to the people to decide on their education, give me money back, and I'll promise to spend it on my education. I don't think that's a terrible idea. If you don't have kids, maybe you do get some money for continuing education as an adult person. you do get some money for continuing education as an adult person. That's not a terrible idea at all.

I think the voucher system is kind of fucked up personally. Yeah. After what you talked about earlier, I'm starting to agree with you. My feeling is as a property owner, public schools drive property values. Public schools drive property values. You know, you look at there's a one-to-one correlation between areas with the best schools and property values. So funding your public schools helps to drive property values dramatically. Because that's where people, you know, young up-and-coming, upwardly mobile couples who are going to have kids, that's a primary consideration for where you're going to move when you purchase property. So, and I think the voucher system only defunds public schools and hurts public schools, and frankly, will only hurt the most

at-risk kids and the most at-risk communities. Wealthy communities that have a ton of fucking money that are going to be pouring mad banks into the property tax system, which at least in Illinois is what helps to fund the public school system, those communities are going to do just fine. It's communities where they look at their public schools and they say, well, our public schools are shit. I want to send my kid to a private school. I'll take a voucher and then I'll send my kid to another school. Well, the public schools are always then going to be shit. There's no hope then as you continue to defund these public schools. There's no hope that they're going to do well. And mostly I think the voucher system really is a way for the government to fund parochial schools and religious schools and not fund them directly.

It's an indirect funding of religious institutions. I think they're a fucking awful idea personally. Yeah, and like you say, you have every right to send your child to private school if you want. You just don't get to benefit from – normally you don't get to benefit from the tax dollars that go to spend on the public schools. I think – I'm leaning more to – I think that the voucher program feels more like the free market. Like it feels like, oh, well, it's a free market. You get to decide where your child goes.

But then the public option becomes so diminished because there's not a lot of funding that goes into it that the – probably the most – most of these vouchers don't completely cover the tuition. So you probably have a lot of poorer students that can't actually pay for it. Yeah, and that's generally the case is you get X amount of dollars, which does not cover the cost of a private school education. So the families have to make up the difference. Yeah. And then – and the families that can, can. I send my kid to – like I send him to a preschool system. We don't have a publicly funded preschool system in Illinois.

So I sent my kid to preschool and it cost a fair buck. It cost about $10,000 last year to send him to preschool. That included some daycare hours as well. And I did that because I wanted to and I can afford it. And that's the system. And that's not a very good system for education. I want to and I can afford it is not really a system. That's like saying we have a system for how to purchase speakers. If you want them and can afford them, you buy them.

Well, that's not a system. That's just you bought a thing. I just bought an education. I don't think education should work that way. But I think it's hilarious that we want these vouchers. Well, we don't want Muslim vouchers. Yeah, and then it's the same thing with – well, we want prayer in school, but we don't want a Muslim to say the prayer in school. Right.

Well, it's the same fucking thing. We want the Ten Commandments. We don't want whatever – this is another point where our religious information is so lacking we don't know. I don't even know if there's an equivalent in the Islamic – in the Koran. I have no idea if there is a Ten Commandments in the Quran, but they certainly wouldn't want something from the Quran on the wall in the place of the Ten Commandments. There's a privileged place in this country for Christianity,

and they always want to make sure that they say, you know, like, we are a Christian nation, whatever. So they're trying to push everything out to make sure that people recognize it. But I think it's I think this is exactly what people need to do to sort of force that eye open and say, no, look, we're we don't we don't favor any religion. I have not asked you to adopt and adhere to my religious beliefs. Why are you asking me to adopt yours? And finally, Mr. Speaker, I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina, but no means no.

So Cecil, this is the hot story of the week. It's very hot. This is my collar. I'm pulling my collar out right now, Tom. I don't know if you can hear that. You can find this story fucking anywhere, but I got it from Detroit Free Press.

Vagina remarks draws firestorm. This is pretty spectacular. Basically, Representative Lisa Brown and Barb Byram were banned from speaking by the Republican leadership. And they were banned for the unpardonable sin of saying vagina on the floor. Basically, they said something like, you know, we want to keep the government out of my vagina. And they were the Republicans were so outraged that I read a comment this week where one of the decision makers said that the comment was so filthy, so dirty, that it could not be repeated in mixed company. When he's saying mixed, what he means to say is, you know, like evangelicals and Presbyterians.

That's the mix, right? Right. What an asshole. What are you supposed to say, Tom? What an asshole. What are you supposed to say, Tom? I asked you this yesterday. Are you supposed to say hoo-ha? Are you supposed to say... Like, when I was a kid, I used to call my dick my pee-pee, okay?

And I remember when I was a kid, there was a moment when I realized you could call it something else. And I'm going to digress here for a second. When I was a kid, I remember I turned to my mom, because she had said something, and I said, Mom, what's a a second. When I was a kid, I remember I turned to my mom because she had said something. And I said, Mom, what's a cocksucker? And my mom said, don't say that. And I was like, oh, I think I get it now.

That's obviously a word that I can use. And I remember I was outside at one point and the little neighbor girl next door pulled my hair. And I called her cocksucker. And I hear from the end, it was one of those moments like where, where everything goes silent. Like all the kids are all standing around, everybody's playing and the little girl pulls my hair

and I scream, you cocksucker. And everything just goes deathly silent. It's just like, like you could hear like the tumbleweed sort of tonk, tonk, tonk, tonk, tonk as it flows past. And then I see my mom kicks the fucking screen door open, comes stomping outside. And if I thought the guy had it bad

when the little girl was pulling my hair, when my mom was dragging me inside by my hair, that was a different story. And then she propped my head open inside and poured dish soap in my mouth. As you can tell, mom, that didn't fucking work. Okay. Your plan was thwarted. Yeah. But, uh, but you know, I, you know, there's a point

in your life where you realize there's other names for things, right? So when I was a kid, I called my dick, my peepee. I'm pretty sure most girls did that. I only had brothers, right? So I only had three brothers or two brothers. I was one of three. And I remember when we were kids, we called them our peepees. I don't remember anything else. But I'm sure if you grew up with a little girl, there might be another name. But what is a childhood?

I guess do you have to revert to like what a five-year-old would call it? Is that what they would find acceptable? They're so offended by the word vagina. Because it's an – I mean that's a scientific term. It's an anatomically correct term. It would be like saying like, well, we don't want to refer to collarbone either. Somebody might get worked up because it's got bone in it. Don't say coccyx because that's got cock in it.

So Cecil, when I was thinking about this story last night, I went on UrbanDictionary.com and I looked up vagina. OK. And I have some options. OK. For the esteemed representatives. So they don't like vagina. Here are the options, according to Urban Dictionary. to Urban Dictionary.

Kofor, cunt, pussy, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, garage, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, cock pocket, JJ, hoo-ha, bajingo. Bajingo! It's the best one! Bajingo! We have a winner! We have a winner with bajingo!

I would go on but there are far more. I'll never call it anything but a bajingo from now on. That is absolutely stunningly brilliant. Are any of those preferable? I know. You can say asshole on cable television. That's a perfectly valid word.

But you can't say vagina in this context. vagina in this context and you know of the two holes on the body there is one that i would maybe put my mouth on and then the other one i wouldn't and the one you can say on tv is the one i would veer clear of like i just don't get it like what this guy what does he how does he refer to it? Does he just – as soon as somebody starts talking about female anatomy, he has to shush them and like cover his ears and be like, oh, I can't. I can't. I can't even think about it. They bleed from there for God's sake. This just shows me how terrified these men are of the female body.

They're just – they're terrified of women. You're so afraid of women that you think vagina is a dirty word. Vagina is a dirty word. Tell your wife to take a shower. There's an easy solution to that. But it's for real. Like, you're so fucking afraid of women that you're terrified to hear aloud the anatomical term referring to their genitals kidding right like you fucking goobers i mean this is such an embarrassment for the people

of michigan it is really such it should be and and like i was telling you earlier like don't you really think that the guy who's like you're bad from speaking oh Oh, God, you used a dirty, dirty word. Don't you think his partner is sitting next to him and he's like, shut up. Shut up. You're making an idiot of yourself. That's really what it's called. Yeah, that's exact. That is what it's called. Yeah, exactly.

I just feel like, too, this is a perfect example of how our government is run by people that are ridiculously out of touch and also males. You know, like if that room was half females, because you know it's not, if that room was half females, then that's a different story. Now you're talking about, because he would start to say something like, I would ban you. They'd be like, well, fuck, we all have vaginas, dude. Shut up. Sit down, you old fart.

Right. Get that guy out of here. Get the guy with the walker out of here. Just fucking escort him out. You shouldn't be governing people if you can't even talk about the entire person. I'm making rules for you. I am afraid of you. Wait, what?

Really? Majingo. Majingo. You're an atheist. Give me a fucking break, Michael. All right, you know what? We need to start going to church every week. An atheist subjected a devout Christian woman to a relentless campaign of harassment

in which he smeared dog feces on her car and urinated on her doorstep. I find his argument a little weak. Once you once you resort to the dog poop and urine at that point, you just got to say you've got to concede the argument. I think either you either you're using the dog poop and the urine to enhance your argument or you're going overboard. I don't think he's going far enough, though. I think he needs to get the chicken blood in there.

I think that has to happen at some point. He probably has to kill his neighbor's dog. I think that happens at one point, too. Yeah, he's got to escalate this. Yeah, I mean, like, you just can't stop. It feels almost like Namby Pamby at this point. You're like, okay, yeah, this shit, whatever. Now look, when are you going to, like,

do a home invasion with a knife and hold her at knife point? Because I think that's your next step. I love that his lawyer, his lawyer told magistrates, it is utterly bizarre. He ought to see his doctor. I love that they have magistrates, by the way.

When your lawyer is throwing their hands up and being like, well, that's fucking weird. Yeah, right? He's like, whoa. Whoa. We want to say that this guy is an atheist. We're not going to die behind the

no true atheist fallacy on this one. The guy is an atheist. And I finally have an example. I've been looking for one of these for a long time, Tom. A lot of people will say, you know, like, well, Stalin was an atheist. And you're like, yeah, so what? But they didn't like go out and be like, well, I'm going to kill all these people because they go against my atheist beliefs.

He did the man-made starvation for a different reason. He didn't do it because he was an atheist. He was an atheist and he did something bad. So you're making the correlation. This guy is the first guy I've ever seen that specifically did something because he's an atheist. And I'm like, okay, I finally have an example. So when somebody says, you know, like, well, you always say that the Christians went out and killed a bunch of people because they're Christians or the Muslims killed a bunch of people because they're Muslims. What about the atheists? I'll be like, yeah, that one dude smeared poop on somebody's car. Yeah, dude.

You're totally right. That's equivalent to flying planes into the World Trade Center. You're absolutely right. It's just – it's right there. It's like, you know, like suicide bomber. Yeah, it's bad. Poop? Look. That's just, it's right there. It's like, you know, like, suicide bomber, eh, it's bad. Poop? Look. That's also bad. Do not inconvenience me with dog poop. That's all I'm saying.

And wait, you know, you really gotta want it if you're gonna be smearing the dog poop. Because you gotta get, you gotta fucking work that shit at that time. You gotta, you know, maybe you're using a plastic bag, but you still gotta smell that stuff as you're fucking grinding it away on something. Yeah, there's no way that that is a pleasant task.

No, that's not a good task. That's not a task anybody would choose to do. I have to wonder if the dog poop part of the whole thing was premeditated. If he was sitting in his room thinking, God, I got to convince her of the error of her ways. How? How? How do I drive these religious myths from her fucking skull? Dog poop. No, not just dog poop. Smeared dog poop. It's poopy. Go for the poopy.

And urine. I'm going to urinate. You've got to use the ways in which we expel waste in order to convince people of your argument. Teach you? This is ontological dog poop. What? Fucking nut job. Yeah, this guy's a fucking goob. Remember that time the atheist knocked on your door to convert you to atheism? Yeah, no kidding, right?

Yeah, that didn't really happen because this guy shows that that's a fucking bad idea. And, you know, it's not only that. It's like, why do you care so much? Right. Who cares whether your fucking neighbor believes some crazy shit? You know, I'm sure your neighbor believes a number of crazy things. Maybe your neighbor believes in astrology. Are you going to go over there and knock on the door and be like, you got to knock the astrology shit off. I saw you had a fucking cancer sticker on your car.

I'm pissed off. I'm sure there's – people you meet throughout your life believe all kinds of weird stuff. We had an astrology discussion at my work one day where people were talking about, oh, that guy's a Taurus. I'm thinking this is the dumbest conversation I've ever been in in my life. I've been around people that can't – like little children that can't even speak yet and had better conversations than them. So the idea that you're going to try to convert people away from that, when somebody starts talking about astrology around me, I don't jump on me like, that's stupid, and then smear my poop on them.

The first thing I say, I just go, oh, that's interesting. And then I stop talking to them because I don't care what they believe. Well, you should. You should. You should start caring. I should care so much that my bodily fluids care. Cecil, I am going to send you FedEx, you know, because we live like 35, 40 miles away. I'm going to send you FedEx, a box of poop.

Box of poop. Yeah, that you can keep with you for any of those. For smearing purposes. Yeah. You know, I mean, if you're trying to convert somebody and you're like, it's really like an atheist baptism. Right, right. Right? It's just smearing dog poop on your car.

Just send me one of those sandwich spreaders so I can move around. So we're going to take a break and give you all the information you need to find us on Facebook, to find us through our email, Twitter, Google+, and give you our voicemail number so you can call up and leave us messages. If that's not enough for you, then there's nothing we can do to make you happy, damn it. We could smear poop. We could smear poop. Yeah, if you want to give us your address, we'll come and smear some poop on your car. A box of poop with a sandwich spreader. You have to smear it yourself.

Yeah, yourself smearing. And we'll return in just a moment to ruin the rest of the show. You can email these assholes at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. For more information on this or any other episode, visit the Cognitive Dissonance website, dissonancepod.com. Like our show on Facebook to join in the conversation. Just search for Cognitive Dissonance in Facebook or go to our website for the link.

You can converse with us on Twitter. Our Twitter handle is at dissonance underscore pod. Help us out by retweeting and reposting our shows. You can call us and leave us a message at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Long distance rates apply. Your help is fucking greatly appreciated. So Cecil, this next story is tragic and bizarre and bizarre again and tragic again.

This is from Huffington Post. Peter Lucas Moses of North Carolina, because North Carolina is really winning the crazy race this year, pleads guilty in deaths of woman and boy that he thought was gay. This man murdered a 28-year-old woman and a 4-year-old child. 4-year-old child! Because he thought they were gay. Four-year-old child because he thought they were gay. I don't even know how to express how insane and wrong this is.

Like, you know, it's that idea like, well, why do you care, you know, that there's all this opposite? You know, you're not gay. What difference does it make to you? Well, I don't know. Maybe because fucking people kill 28-year-old women and 4-year-old children because they're gay. This whole idea like, well, you know, gay is a choice. Really? I would read one – if this was a choice, you'd read one story like this and be like, I'm not making that choice.

Right. What? I could be killed? No way. And what other choice in the world do you make and you get killed for like that? There's no other choices that you could make that – there's very few that you – I mean you could choose to like, I don't know, rape a kid of like a fucking special forces guy or something like that. And that's a way in which to get yourself killed, right? And that's a way in which to get yourself killed, right? But for the most part, there's not many choices that you make in your life that are not completely abhorrent that would result in you dying from.

In this case, the choice is you're gay. I'm choosing to be gay. Well, now you're going to die. Like there's no other consequence for decision-making like that that we have. We just don't have it. No, and there's no – I mean it'smaking like that that we have. We just don't have it. No, and there's no – I mean it's exactly right and it's not a surprise. You read the rest of this crazy fucking story. Oh, gosh.

This guy is a fucking nut hut. This guy is the leader of a radical religious sect. Try to contain your surprise. Yeah, no kidding. Whose members called him lord and he lived with at least three women who he counted as his wives. He had nine children in a one-bedroom house. And his sect is the Black Hebrews. Were his kids shaped like Legos? How do you stack them?

You have to stack them in order to fucking house them. Maybe that's really what happened here. Maybe he was trying to interchange their parts. Oh, no. Because like Legos, you can pull the head right off. Right, yeah. Maybe he was trying to interchange their parts. Oh no! Because like Legos, you can pull the head right off. And put it on a new... Absolutely. You need to save space. I would have kept the four-year-old around though, unless all of them are younger than four.

That's a... What the fuck? And you know, it was the religious belief that motivated this killing. Absolutely. This story actually, I don't know if you remember, but when we had Jake on, he mentioned this story. This was the story Jake was referring to when the four-year-old patted somebody else on the ass and then the father killed him. It's a four-year-old. It's a four-year-old. And, you know, like, like, I guess that's, I guess the person is insane, but the

person is latching onto to these religious beliefs. And, you know, at one point they call themselves the black. They call themselves the black Hebrews. They thought that they were directly a descendant from the ancient tribes of Israel. And they were also said to believe that a forthcoming race war will leave the blacks dominant and supreme. Like this person is a fucking nut hut. Like, they are fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. They shouldn't have, you shouldn't have children if you're fucking this crazy. How did this, how do people like, like, we know all this about them.

I wonder if, you know, does DCFS stop by and they're like, oh, yeah, we're just waiting for the race war. Yeah, that's all. No problem. We're just stacking our kids up in the closet here because we got a one bedroom. So we're just stacking the kids. We got one room, it's not even full. Yeah. that's all. No problem. We're just stacking our kids up in the closet here because we've got a one bedroom. So we're just stacking the kids. It's not even full. Yeah. There's only nine kids. Three women, one dude.

It's a normal, regular sort of situation. What a fucking whack job, man. 13 people in a one bedroom house? I'd start killing some of them too. Admittedly. To be totally fair, when you've got 13 people in a one-bedroom house, you've got to start separating the weed from the chaff.

How many bathrooms have you got? Probably one, right? One? With three women in the house? With three women in the house? Come on now. And nine kids? Yeah, that place would be like a litter box.

That's disgusting. I was going to say we should have an award for the craziest state of the week, but North Carolina at this point. It's been winning for weeks and weeks and weeks. At this point, it's like knocking a New York Times bestseller off the top of the list. It's the fucking Babe Ruth of crazy. It's like, yeah, 160 weeks at the top. It's its fucking own little million little pieces. You know what I mean?

It's like up on the top forever. Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today. Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream

within a dream. So this next story is from alternet.org. And this story is interesting. It basically compares the divorce rates and correlates those with denomination, religious denomination.

And the evangelicals have the highest divorce rate of the other Christian denominations compared. That's not a shock to me. That's not a shock to me. That's not a shock to me. I think once you have a religious ideology that's so fucking rigid,

I don't see how you just, you know, to be part of a marriage is to be part of compromise, right? I mean, to have a successful marriage is to be able to be flexible in a lot of ways, in a lot of parts of your life. And when you are raised in a religion that teaches you to rigidly fix your mind, I don't see how you could have a functioning relationship over a long period of time with another person that relies on compromise as its foundation. Yeah. And this is one of those things where when you see how they treat marriage and then they talk about it being sacred, several of the people in your religion are getting divorces.

You know, we're talking a third. A third of them are saying – are giving it up. National divorce statistics in America, at one point, were up to 50 percent. I don't know what they are now. I don't really care what they are now to be honest with you. So don't send me an email and tell me what they are. But I don't know what they're at. But I know that at certain points, they've been up to 50 percent before.

So we're talking about a good deal of people that are getting divorced. And yet we still stand behind this idea that, you know, well, it's fine to get married as a, as a heterosexual and then to throw that marriage away and say, no, I, you know, I didn't mean at that time, let's just, let's just skip it and then, you know, keep on doing it. but you can't let homosexuals have the same thing because that would sully the marriage. That would sully the idea of marriage. No, it's, that's a ridiculous idea. And this is a great way to point it out. I don't particularly find marriage sacred at all. I don't think marriage is sacred, period. I think the bond I have with my wife is sacred, but it's sacred because I make it sacred, not because somebody else, some outside force is making it sacred. It's sacred because I chose it.

It's sacred to me in particular. And so that's how I think we need to look at this. It's none of my business whether these people, who gives a fuck whether they get divorced or stay together or fucking explode. I don't care. So the fact is, is that the only reason why we would ever want to bring this up is because when they start fucking getting on their high horse about how moral they are and how they're just, you know, they just don't want to change the definition of marriage. And you're like, yeah, well, that's because you don't care about marriage.

And here's the fucking facts. Yeah, it's interesting too reading through this. The data shows the highest divorce rates are in the Bible Belt. Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama, and Oklahoma round out the top five. Atheists are much less likely much less likely atheists and agnostics than even catholics to get divorced you know there's a hypocrisy here that's not that's not difficult to to point out and like you said who fucking cares i don't have a problem with divorce i don't have a problem at all with divorce i think it's totally reasonable thing to say I love you and then 20 years later to say I don't.

You know, let's move on. Whatever. Fucking things change. Lives are long. Absolutely. You know, people change. Circumstances change. We live a fucking long time.

But I'm also not busting the fucking rocks of gay people and saying like you shouldn't be able to love each other properly. You shouldn't be able to be recognized in our country because you're damaging marriage. Marriage is sacred and all this nonsense like you said. Really? Marriage is so sacred? 34% of non-denominationals? That's a lot of you guys. How many of those people do you think get remarried oh sure let me a lot of them tom you know and and just

like you said you we finalize these relationships with other human beings by saying we're getting married we're finalizing it we're saying this is it um but really in reality it's like you said there's you know there's fluctuations of feelings There's ways in which you change and grow apart. It's just a natural ebb and flow of relationships. And it seems to me like, you know, the only reason we should ever bring it up is to point out their inconsistencies. One of the things that I said that the priest said at my wedding and I think is kind of universal if you have a priest say it, they say something like, whatever God has joined, let no man separate or something like that. And what this really says is that they're not even paying attention to their own religion. The thing in which that they're really, really trying to force on everyone else, they're trying to force their religious values on everyone else. They're not even paying attention to one of the most important lines in their own marriage.

They're disregarding that, yet they're able to go to the Bible and flip through and find the place in Romans and find the place in Leviticus where it says their gays are bad. Well, yeah, because they think they're icky. They are icky. You know. I mean, come on, Tom. They're icky. Oh, you were talking about the gays. I was talking about the evangelicals being icky. La ilaha illallah.

So this next story is from the Express Tribune. With the International Herald Tribune, cleric declares jihad against polio campaign. Because what? Because what? A cleric in an unpronounceable Muzzafara declared the polio campaign un-Islamic. And he also said that he thought that this was a Western conspiracy to render the population impotent, I believe. No. No, it's not.

It's actually a Western conspiracy to openly give you polio vaccine. So you don't get polio. Yeah. Turns out that's actually a useful thing. Not a way in which. He says something like it's going to make him impotent. Yeah. You know what will render you impotent? Polio.

Yeah, well. Hey, remember that time you were in that iron lung because of polio? I remember when I was seven. I spent my summer in an iron lung. It was awesome. I mean, polio – here's what kills me. Polio is one of those diseases that we are always on the cusp of eradicating. Oh, God, dude.

You know, like we eradicated smallpox. The only smallpox that still exists in the world is in labs. The U.S. has some, the USSR, Russia, whatever. Who knows who's got it now yonder? But the USSR had some, and and then you know whoever owns that the biological weapons facilities in russia and i don't know if it's been separated amongst other smaller nations there but that's it it doesn't exist in the wild there's no wild smallpox anymore smallpox was a virulent killer for fucking ages polio did some real damage to people.

It is a fucking awful disease. And we are just right on the cusp of eradicating it. And the only reason it doesn't get eradicated, or the primary reason it has not yet been eradicated, is these fucking insane people who keep saying things like, well, we don't want to, you know, we're against the polio vaccine

because we think it's a conspiracy to do this or to do that. And it's like, we just don't want polio in the world. We could get rid of a disease. I would take a drop if it got rid of the common cold. Yeah, but would you want to become impotent though from it? I mean, come on. But it doesn't make me impotent. Would you want to become impotent, though, from it?

I mean, come on. But it doesn't make me impotent. You would think that somebody who's so willing to declare jihad on things would embrace polio. They would be like, man, I love some fucking polio. It does some wanton destruction just like me. Right. Right. Fucking lunatic. Yeah.

Way to go, religious leader. Yeah. So now when that kid gets fucking polio, that's your fault. Man. This is a fucking turn your stomach story. It really is. This story is from the cbc news mob attacks march against sexual harassment in egypt um about 50 women participated in a march in cairo

and the march was against sexual harassment of women and there was an organized counter protest that overwhelmed the women and their male protectors that had formed a ring around them and attacked and groped and molested these women for trying to protest against being attacked and molested and groped. You're doing humanity wrong. You're a fucking degenerate. I mean, you are a fucking degenerate. When you counter a protest for people not to be violated.

You are really the scum of the earth. The, no one will miss you. You know, when the last week, when the fucking, uh, the, the, that jackhole fucking pumpkin head said, he's like, go ahead. Atheist leave the country. No one will miss you. Like, this is, I want to say to this, if you fucking fell off the face of the earth, these

people who fucking counter-protested, no one would miss you. No one would pay any attention to your disappearance from humanity because you've already checked out of humanity. You've already made a decision to be a disgusting thing that I don't even want to call a human

being. So, you, people. And yet to organize a protest, to think, to premeditate this, to say we are going to get a bunch of us fucking giant douchebags together to go run in and grope these girls to show them. I don't understand how this even happens. I don't understand how. Well, I guess I do. You know, the only way for this to make sense, I was going to say I don't understand how this even happens. I don't understand how – well, I guess I do. The only way for this to make sense – I was going to say I don't understand how it happens that you gather together with a group of like-minded peers to counter-protest the harassment of women, doesn't respect the autonomy of women, doesn't respect the fact of women in

your culture, and wants to continue to keep an upper hand. And what you're really doing is saying, when you're counter-protesting, you're saying, I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm doing this out of fear. If you get too much control and power, it will make my life change. It will mean that I have to start considering you. I have to stop just randomly groping people.

And I like to grope people. Yeah, I'll have to start considering you as a human being. And I don't want to do that. I want to continue running fucking roughshod over 50% of the population in my fucking country. That's what I want. So this is fucking evil it's just evil man and then you know i mean i think you know obviously the biggest insult is that they do the thing that they're protesting it's like right if there were a group of homosexuals walking down

the street and they were protesting the murder of a gay man or a gay woman and somebody came in and murdered all of them. That would be the equivalent. You know what I mean? It's like you're basically protesting against something and they're doing the exact same thing to you to show you. And they had to flee. They had to run away.

The males that were there to protect them couldn't even protect them because there were so many. They were outnumbered. Yeah. Yeah, they were overwhelmed overwhelmed imagine such a thing imagine a group of there's 50 people to be to be overwhelmed you're talking about a real force of strength ridiculous that's that's crazy it's a way to go you should they should you know you should just be ashamed of your culture at that point you should reject your culture wholesale when it does things like this. You want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So Cecil, this next story is from News 24. Breaking news. First, gay pageant winner murdered. It's fucking terrible.

Legend winner murdered. It's fucking terrible. A 23-year-old man from Akuraman in the Northern Cape was murdered last Friday, allegedly because he was gay. This guy was attacked at his place of work and murdered by two dudes. And it says in here they got into an argument over his sexuality. And the attackers followed him to the room where he was staying. That's where they they evidently murdered this guy how do you argue with somebody over their sexuality how does that argument go well are you gay yes allow me to present these premises right to try to dissuade

you from being gay that's not an argument it's just barbarism an argument is what an argument is what you know rational people have with one another when there's a disagreement over the facts or a difference of opinion. It's not an argument. Hey, let's sit and discuss this while I fucking make a huge wound in your neck and kill you. At first they said they were beheaded, but they won't admit to it being beheaded. They're saying now that they're just a big wound on the neck. But this person who was killed, I'm going to read directly from this article, it says, was recently crowned Miss Gay Kuraman.

So like that's the worst consolation prize. Nobody's going to try to be Miss Gay Kuraman next year. That's not going to happen. Yeah, no kidding, right? No, you know what? I like the tiara and all. That's not going to happen. Yeah, no kidding, right? Because they'll be like, no, you know what? I like the tiara and all. That's nice. I enjoy the bouquet of roses you gave me and I was able to stand on stage.

I'm just not interested in the beheading part of the fucking program. That's the piece. Yeah, that's not. That's the piece that I'm a little leery about. Yeah, I'll tell you, runner up would be better. Runner up, you know. Runner away would be better. Right?

be better. Run her away would be better. Right? Oh my gosh. This is the worst prize. I mean, really, it's like knocking open a pinata and bees come out of it. I'd rather get a FedEx

of poop, you know what I mean? So there is a the amazing meeting is coming up and we have a we have an idea. We'd like for the first five people who send us a copy to our email at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. So send us an email of your registration for TAM for the amazing meeting. And you can cross out or black out your address information. Well, actually, we're going to have you have to have your address information anyway, but you can cross out whatever information you don't want us to have. And the first five people that send it will get a cognitive dissonance shirt. We'll send it to you. You have to do one thing for us, though.

If we send you the shirt, you have to promise to wear it at the TAM meeting. You have to. What we'd really like, Tom, I think more than anything, is if people that were going to TAM and got a shirt, talked about it on Facebook on where they should meet up, and then meet up and take a picture, and we promise that what we would do then is turn it into our backdrop on Facebook. You would be our Facebook backdrop. We would cut and crop the picture of people at TAM in our shirts. We would absolutely do that. So if that's something that you want to have happen, we would love to see that happen.

It's a way for you guys to get together and show us a little cognitive dissonance love at the amazing meeting. Plus, it's free fucking advertising for us. Yeah, it's a free fucking t-shirt. Look, we're paying you for your advertisement by giving you our advertisement. So if you're interested in that, email us your registration or some proof that you're going. In the first five, we'll get a Cognitive Dissonance t-shirt. We do have to warn you, though. The Cognitive Dissonance t-shirts should probably be worn with another t-shirt.

Another t-shirt underneath. We went through Cafe Press, and Cafe Press just is not a great place to get t-shirts done. They do really thin t-shirts, so ladies, the headlights will be showing if you don't wear something underneath there. And with all the doings transpiring about the vag comments,

you better be careful. That's all I'm saying. So yeah, definitely the t-shirts are not the greatest quality, but it's the only place that I found that we could do a ton of them. So we will send you a t-shirt if you send us the stuff. We've already told you how to do it. So go ahead.

If you're going to TAM, let us know, and we will send you a t-shirt. On to the mail here, Tom. We got quite a bit of mail this last week. We can't cover it all. Thank you, everybody, who emailed us, people we've gotten into conversations with. We're happy that we got a chance to talk to you guys. We can't obviously read all the email, but thanks everybody for sending stuff. We're going to start out with two voicemails that we got. Now the voicemails, we got one from Carlos and one from someone we don't know, but we thought it was funny. So we're

going to play both of them for you now. And then Tom's going to read both because they're ones very short, both of the Google Translates. Hey, this is Carlos, a.k.a. Deacon Santa of the infamous Street Preachers. Yeah. Anyway, I was just calling because one of the other podcasts I listen to, I will not mention their name, has a thing called the Peggy Challenge, which is like donating money or something like that. I don't really know, nor do I care. Anyway, I have a challenge for the listeners of Cognitive Dissonance. You can call it the Carlos Challenge, you can call it the Deacon Challenge. I don't really care what the fuck you call it. Anyway, I work night.

After I get off of work, I have a ritual. I work nights. After I get off of work, I have a ritual. Part of my ritual is to take a sleeping pill or two and then find myself a porn, put it on, and fap till my heart's delight. And see how many times I can finish myself before my sleeping pill kicks in. So, here is the Carlos or Deacon or fap, whatever the hell you guys want to call it challenge for the listeners out there. Do this. It's free unless you need to buy a sleeping pill.

But yeah, take a sleeping pill, watch some porn, get yourself off, see how many times you can do it. Post results. Question mark. Profit.

Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole? It's Jesus. So I'm going to read the one from Carlos first. Hey, hey, this is Carlos. Hey, JHD cam. And there'll be implement strange creature. Yeah. Anyway, I was just calling because one of the other podcasts I listened to,

I want to mention a name as a thing called the Peggy Challenge, which is like donating money or something like that. I don't really know, nor do I care. Anyway, I have a challenge for the listeners of Cognitive Dissonance in. You can call up because John Dumont Newton John. I don't care what the call anyway. I work night. After I get off of work, I have

original part of my virtual intake. A sleeping pill or two. And then on my cell phone, put it on. On set. So my heart's the light and see how many times I can finish myself before my sleeping pill before my sleeping pill.

Before my sleeping pill, Victor. So here is the Carlos. Or if you can, or that, whatever the hell you guys want to call at Jones, we're listening out there. This is free. And that you need to buy a sleeping pill. But yeah, they've sleeping pill. Watch some porn. Your cell phone. See how many times you can do it.

Post results? Question mark. Bye. I love that it's your cell phone. I know. That's awesome. Carlos, let's talk about Carlos before you read the other one. Carlos, that is fucking hilarious.

There's actually a movie. I don't know if you've seen it, Tom I want to say the movie's called like Role Models Or something like that The story is these two guys Is that what it's called? Role Models? I can't remember, anyway One of the guys from like 40 year old virgin

And another guy, like the other guy from the rundown Are in this movie And the movie premise is that they both fucking Got sentenced to do some community service And they have to basically be big brothers And big sisters to these two kids are in this movie. And the movie premise is that they both fucking got sentenced to do some community service, and they have to basically be big brothers and big sisters to these two kids. And one of the guys is like this horned dog,

and he winds up telling this girl in this movie, he's like, we're going to take some Ambien, and then we're going to see how long we can stay awake, and we start tripping, then we can have sex or whatever. So they take the Ambien, and she keeps on wanting to fall asleep. He's like, wake up, wake up, you've got to stay awake. And she eventually passes out so they don't have sex or whatever. So they take the Ambien and she keeps on wanting to fall asleep. He's like, wake up, wake up. You gotta stay awake. And she eventually passes out so they don't have sex.

But it's a really funny moment in the movie because I guess, you know, like there's this point, I guess if you're on Ambien, although when you're on Ambien you just fucking freak out sometimes anyway. But they, that you start to hallucinate if you stay up too late. And I think, Carlos, you're doing that. Yeah. Carlos, I have to say, I admire the challenge.

It is. You know, you got to have some testicular fortitude. So, you know, anyone who wants to take up Carlos' challenge, find us on Facebook. Yeah. Please don't post any pictures. No. We're not interested in the pictures. We're not really interested in the results, it turns out.

Not so much. Yeah, if you want to email each other results, you know, that's fine. But it seems to be, the challenge seems to be maybe, you know, you might want to keep that to a subreddit somewhere that we're not subscribed to. The other one, Tom, just read. That you? On the side of the glory hole? It teases.

It teases. I love that little bit so much. I'm probably going to use it in the future as an intro for portions of the show. So thank you very much for sending it, whoever you are. You didn't leave your name. But we really appreciate it. So we're going to get started with some email here. The first email is

from Brayden. Brayden just addresses us as, hey, fuckers, and then says a bunch of great stuff in here. Talks about being from Calgary. Most of this email is talking about the Calgary and the conservative party there and stuff, but I want to address one specific point. This is at the bottom.

It says, love the fucking show. Keep up the fucking good work. Uh, one other thing, the girl giving out the contact information, is she hot? Because she sounds fucking hot. Um,

uh, Brayden, that's my mom. Uh, no, actually that's my wife. And yes, I'm contractually obligated to say she's hot. So, actually, that's my wife. And yes, I'm contractually obligated to say she's hot. So she is hot.

Turns out I fell apart after we got married. Like I was a pretty good looking guy, say, you know, 12 years ago. She's stayed good looking. I have since let myself go. So that's why you get married. The reason why you get married is so you can let yourself go. That's why there's a buffet at the wedding. Right? That's like you get married. That is the reason why you get married is so you can let yourself go. That's why there's a buffet at the wedding. Right?

That's like the cue. It's just like that. So thank you very much for sending the email. And yes, my mom is hot. So we also got an email, Tom. This was the one. This was the email this week that made our week, I think. In my opinion, this was the email that made my week.

This is from Noreen and Marvin. And they sent us a picture of both of them. In their cognitive dissonance shirts. Standing there smiling. This is a great picture. You should have posted it on our Facebook page. I think it's great. Thank you very much for listening.

I got a huge kick out of this. Thanks so much for sending us this picture. It's awesome. This is a great comment from Kim. Kim posted this on our blog. Kim said, maybe, she's talking about

the Ain't No Homo's Gonna Go to Heaven song that the little bigot sang. It says, maybe the homos, the little kids are singing about are homo sapiens, in which case it's true.

No homo sapiens are going to heaven because heaven doesn't exist. I love it. I love it. Well played. Tom, you like this comment from Brandy that we got on Google Plus. I did because I have family in Michigan. She says, I grew up in Michigan where I can promise you if there were Bigfoot-esque creatures, they would have been gunned down one by one by now. No kidding, right? She goes on to say that Michigan equals gun enthusiast, hunter, wildlife expert. 13 feet of annual snowfall does unseemly things to one's perspective.

All I will say, Brandy, is I have family in Michigan gun toting family in Michigan and I concur. You know what's awesome is every year Tom we go to Michigan on a place that you're part of your family owns and we fire copious amounts of guns up there because it's fucking that's where you go to shoot all your guns

for a long time. Yeah we will shoot for a whole weekend thousands of rounds of ammunition and nobody comes by. There's no police. It's loud as fuck. The only time we had a guy come by, he brought a cannon.

He really did. He brought a homemade cannon strapped to a furniture cart. And he shot a potato out of it. It was the loudest thing I've ever heard. Oh my god, there's some great video of that too at one point. That is fucking awesome.

That is so funny, that guy. I loved it. We got an email from Catheter Matt talking about Australia and New Zealand. It's a long email. It was very funny. Thank you for sending it, and thanks for listening. A lot of people recently have been giving us iTunes ratings, and we thank everybody who does it.

We're so happy when people do it, give us iTunes ratings, and wind up. We got a bunch of them in other countries too now, so we're very happy about that. So thank you, everybody who does that. Matthew sent us a picture. He posted it on our Facebook page. He wound up creating a picture for the assignment that you mentioned last week, Tom. He did it. The assignment from last week was to create a recruitment video for the Crusades. And this is a picture of a crosshairs shaped like a cross so you move the the middle crosshair up a little bit it's centered over a uh a muslim at prayer

and it says onward christian soldiers yeah it's pretty great thank you matthew it says onward u.s soldiers oh it doesn't yeah what are you going to do? Well, hey, you know what? They're synonymous. It turns out. Right. We're a Christian nation, damn it. So Finland says hi, Tom. Finland does say hi. We got this awesome and crazy email from Finland, and it's quite long. I'm going to read only one part of it. She says now because of the favorite podcast status of your show, it is, of of course the first podcast I listen to in the morning. And as it happens this summer, I'm working on a farm.

And my first chore in the morning, around six, is to check if the cows are in heat. That's done by looking if their twats have the right kind of slime in them. So there you have it. Just wanted to share the fact that I'm fingering slimy cow pussies while listening to you.

Think about that next time you're doing the show. Turns out you could say none of that on the Michigan Congress. None of it. You could say absolutely none of it. I wonder if this is like a taste test to find out. Yeah, that's disgusting. I also, by the way, here. I just died a little.

We always mispronounce every fucking buddy's name here. But is it T.U.? Is that it, you think, Tom? I didn't. You notice I didn't even try? Yeah. I'm going to say T.U. I have no idea how to fucking pronounce your name because you need to buy a consonant, it turns out.

There's way too many fucking walls in your name. But you say on here that my laugh was really annoying. I tried to laugh as much as I could this podcast specifically for you, Tio. Matt sends another email and talks about our old show, Everyone's a Critic. We are no longer recording Everyone's a Critic. Matt mentioned it

so I wanted to say, if you ever wanted to hear some movie reviews that still exist and are still out there on the web, the old show used to be called Everyone's a Critic. We included some news and things in there in most of the earlier episodes. So there's some of what cognitive dissonance became in there. And then there's also a movie review in every podcast. So if you're interested in hearing our take on some movies, we did a movie review podcast for about four years. And you can find that by going to everyonesacritic.org and check it out if you're interested. We thought we had some insightful things to say but then we

found out that we we just really didn't want to watch movies that we did we fucking hated so we quit doing it that didn't work out four years kind of yeah that shit ruins you for movies too because people would always pick the worst fucking movie for us to watch it was so oh god when i have to watch the twilight ones i'd rather hit my fucking balls with a mallet than watch that fucking wooden shit. God. You love Kristen Stewart so much. Awful. So very much. Fucking

buck-toothed weirdo. Pants. Pants. Javier sends us an email from Norway and Javier just wanted us to know that they rate us five stars on the Norway iTunes. We checked it out. Thank you, Javier, for doing it.

And the only black Colombian living in Norway listener that we have, thank you again for sending it. And like I said, if you rate us, it helps us on our on the list on iTunes other. It helps raise us up so that we spend more time on the top uh, the top podcasts

if you rate us. So, uh, we're happy when every, whenever anybody does it and we're always tickled when we read them. So thank you very much for doing it. Well, Tom, that closes it up for another, uh, exciting, fun filled, non-vagina filled, uh, episode of, uh, cognitive dissonance. We are going to leave you as usual with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers,

tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons giant worms, Atlantis dolphins, truthers, birthers witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers evangelists, conspiracy double speak stigmata nonsense

expose your sides thrust your hands bloody, evidential conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. you