Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 520: N95 Pants

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

Stories from the Week   Farting Around by Kevin MacLeod

Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from sherman headquarters this is no it's not this problem is the problem is you can't squeeze each other now that's oh man it's a socially a socially hug. What does that even look like? It's like the Christian side hug,

but just like six feet apart. Six feet apart. It's like an air high five where you're across the room and you give someone a high five from across there. What you got to do is come up with like an air, fancy, complicated handshake. Like one of those like really difficult

multi-step handshake. Yeah. Where it looks like you're playing ping pong with yourself. Those are amazing. Those are amazing. Fucking semaphore. It's like some fucking flags. What I love is that just the,

just the choreography on those is just so much fun to watch that. Were you ever a fancy handshake guy? No, no, never. I could never like best case scenario i could do that like you know like you clasp hands like you know thumb to thumb then you kind of like rotate down more real quick you know and then anything yeah right i never win i never win the thumb war then you

like kind of rotate down like snap out of it or whatever like that was like the most i ever got the hang of but i could never tell when it was appropriate to do it so whatever. Like that was like the most I ever got the hang of, but I could never tell when it was appropriate to do it. So I was always, that guy was like a young man. I was doing like, but I'm like shaking hands. Like I'm a banker. I'm just like, I like an old man. I just, I'll still shit. Like I'll walk into a meeting. Like, well, I guess this is like the old world, but like I would walk into a meeting and people would I guess this is the old world, but I would walk into a meeting and people would hug and I extend my hand. Because first of all, I think it's kind of rude to assume that you hug women and shake hands with men. I think that there's something kind of rude about that in a business setting, but I get made fun of when I do it. So I would go and I'd be like,

I should shake everybody's hand. I give everybody the same marker of respect. I don't give a different marker of respect to the women in the room. And I go and they're like, oh, we're shaking hands. It's very formal. And I'm just like, I shook hands with your butt. I'm trying to be fucking... I don't want to hug you. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to hug you.

At my work, they hug and sometimes the women will give you a kiss on the cheek. Nope. I would quit immediately first kiss first kiss on the cheek i'd be like i'm out fucking you can keep my shit don't even box it and send it to me there's there's at least three women that do it in my in my office all the time that's what they do they and they and they go for a big over the neck throw your arms over your neck hug

yeah it's like prom dancing what are you even saying when they come over to a meeting it's like you ask them to go to the prom it's weird

yeah you're getting lucky in the back of the conference room right you're like you're like reach down and like

very nervously slide your hand down the small of her back to her ass. Like one hand on her ass and you never move it because you're afraid if you move it, she'll notice it's there. What are you, Joe Biden? Jesus Christ. God damn. We got to write a new intro.

We got to write a new pandemic intro because we're not at the glory hole. We're not at the glory hole. We're not at the glory hole, guys. We're at our homes. We're socially distant. We are. We're emotionally distant. We're a little less political.

We're trying to be a little less political. This week's going to reflect that again. We found fun stories to do again. We got great feedback and we did not get any negative feedback. None. We asked for feedback. We did not specify the feedback, whether that feedback would be good or bad.

And we only got good. So we're doing it again this week. And we may keep doing it for a while because every day the news is the worst. Every day it's the worst. Cecil, I want to start this off. I know we talked about this last time.

What is your most hated, this week, your most hated first world pandemic bitch? Because, look, everybody's got them. Let's just be real for a second. Let's give ourselves a little bit of license. All right. I'm going to give myself a little license. My trip is officially canceled. Oh, no. So my 20th anniversary,

my wife and I spent all of last year. So we haven't been on a vacation in a year and a half. The last vacation we went on was in 2017, 2018. At the end of 2018, we went on a vacation. All of 2019, we did not go on a vacation and we saved up for this vacation because it was our 20th anniversary, right? So it's a big deal, right?

And so we saved up our money and we paid the entire vacation off in January of this year. So before we knew anything was really happening, we had booked every single thing and we had paid everything off. So it was 100% paid for. Earlier in the week, last week,

I got a message from the airline. So two weeks ago, I got a message from the airline that said, here's your new ticket. Your new ticket is get to New Jersey, somehow get to New York. Maybe you'll get to Paris. Like it was, it was, it felt like at the end of the ticket, it was going to be like the aristocrats. Like I seriously, I didn't know what was going to happen. But then this last week they sent a message and they said, we have upgraded you to first class.

So you're going to fly to Dallas-Fort Worth first class. Then you're going to fly business class overseas to Charles de Gaulle. Okay. And then you're going to do the same thing back. And I was like, you know, if this trip goes through, no extra money to fly business class first class, I'm kind of down. That sounds amazing.

Business class on a fucking plane overseas, I think you get a lay down spot. I think you do too. I think you can make out. It's fucking amazing. It's amazing. Yeah, I would be like, I would make out next to the dude with a dude.

Like if there's like a guy next to me, like an old banker, I'll be like, hey, old banker. But anyway, we wind up, we wind up getting that message. And then two days later,

the big thing that we spent all the money on contacts us and says, we have suspended operations until June 30th. We're refunding all the money. So the money is all coming back. But, uh, but there's some things that we bought through a third party that we are not getting refunds on. So we bought, uh, we bought, uh, hotels through a third party and there's no refunds on. So we bought hotels through a third party and there's no refunds for those hotels through the third party. And then I contacted the hotels and some of the hotels are like, yeah, too fucking bad. Like, sorry, that's how this works. You got it through a third party. That's how this works. Sorry. And so I'm literally never using a third party website again. It's

never happening again. I did that. I told myself I wouldn't do that for airlines a while back because something similar happened to me. And so I've never used a third-party system for airlines, except for one time when I was trying to save a conference money. But I almost always book directly through the airline because you have a recourse then, right? Right. But here, the same thing here.

And one, I got lucky. One of the hotels was, I was able to get a little bit of money back. And one, I didn't have to pay ahead of time, which was great. So that just canceled and that just canceled. But the one that we were going to spend our anniversary on was a lot of money

and that's not money we have anymore. So, but, no, there's no, but that's it. That's the story. So what's yours, Tom? Well, mine's like, now I feel a little like it's, it's not anywhere near as dramatic. Like, you know, I fucking miss, like, I miss just being able to go to the fucking movies. Like, yeah. I like Wednesday. Like we have like a little date night and like I'd say at least once a month we would go to dinner and a movie and it's like not that big a deal. And like it never felt like a big deal date at all. It actually felt like a really fucking low bar date.

But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it every fucking time. And like I keep trying to be like creative with date night you know like and it's not as good like it's just not it's just fucking not like i just miss being able to be like let's it's wednesday let's see what's playing let's go to the movies like i just it's such a fucking small thing and it's not like we went to the movies and talked to other people. It's just the act of being out in the world. And engaging

with the world and having a reason to put on clothes that fit you. Sure. It's just like, fuck. I would settle for a drive-in at this point. I was looking the other day for a drive-in movie. point i was looking the other day for a drive-in movie i heard

they exist now and they're still there are some i don't know where they're at but i heard that they're that they're making a recurrence now yeah i would i would imagine so because they're like it's a viable way to like get out and like do something so yeah yeah i know it's like a small thing, but like just dinner and a movie feels like... Le sigh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I hear you, man. That and my goddamn barber.

I miss getting a fucking haircut. Like, I'm in a place where it's like, it's not looking good anymore. It's a little rough. Like, it's a little shaggy. Yeah. The Lord wants you to give generously into his choice don't ask no questions don't ask why come the pastor have to have him a nice house why come a pastor doesn't have a nice car don't ask i said don't ask i said don't ask. I said, don't ask. No questions.

Just give the money. Sister comes in the New York Times. Falwell focuses on critics as coronavirus cases near his university grow. I like, I know we're not going to get too political, but like, I do want to say that there's a certain synergy to focusing on your critics rather than the facts at hand that you are being criticized for. And again, I'm not trying to get overly political in these ha ha funny times that we are living in, but I will say that like, if you don't like the facts that you are being criticized for, attack the person criticizing you. That's now a legitimate national strategy. Man. And it's funny too, because you see it constantly back and forth. Even the, you know, even the highest people in government are doing

it. Yeah. I will say like, I sympathize with the righteous indignation of this whole thing. It's like, this is not how the year was supposed to go. God damn it. I fucking get it. This is not how this year was supposed to go. Nonetheless, this is the year as we have it. And reopening Liberty University only gives you the liberty to infect your students. I'll tell you. What? One of the things, too, that happened this week is there's a message that they were talking about. The president was going back and forth talking about stuff.

And one of the things that they were talking about was how he's, the thing about opening things up and just opening stuff up. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, you can open up whatever you want. I'm not going out. Are you fucking kidding me? If they opened everything up tomorrow, I wouldn't leave. I wouldn't be like, oh, cool. Everything's open.

I'd be like, great. I'm going to stay right here. Yeah. Continue doing exactly the same thing oh, cool. Everything's open. I'd be like, great. I'm going to stay right here. Yeah. Continue doing exactly the same thing I've been doing since this started. And just keep going. Keep doing the exact same shit I've been doing over and over and over. There's no way I'm going to leave if you opened up the thing tomorrow. Like, are you kidding me?

And I don't understand the, I understand the pushback because people may be losing a lot of money. And I understand, you know, clearly understand Liberty University stance because I'm from higher ed. So I understand Liberty University stance, trying to make sure that they get, they keep those tuition dollars. But you know, what's going to make people not want to come to your school is if you have a makeshift morgue in the quad. That's one of those things that maybe people would pass by. Could you imagine getting the school tour? You're getting the school tour in spring for the fall and they're talking about it. And yeah, and, and, and there over there is our

makeshift makeshift morgue next year. We're hoping we're going to have the planters done by then. So it'll look pretty when we put the dead bodies in there. Okay, we're going to keep moving on. They're skiing down Corpse Mountain. It's very nice. We put artificial snow on Corpse Mountain and you could just zip, zap, zoop right down there and it's very bouncy. You're going to love it. The cases in Lynchburg and

Liberty University went from 7 to 78. It's not like it went from 2 to four and you're just like, all right, you know, like some risk is acceptable risk because that's the truth, right? Like some, we're never going to live in a world without this virus. Like it's going to be a part of our world now. So like at some point, some risk is acceptable risk, just like some risk for all disease is acceptable in order for you to have a functioning society.

But like, we're still at a place where like, you blink your eyes twice and you have 12 times as many cases. Yeah, yeah. 12 times as many cases. If it was transmitted the way you said, and there was a whole city of people and four people died,

we would not be closing down if four people died in the whole city. There's no way we would do it. We wouldn't be closing down at all. We would be trying to work on a vaccine and maybe we'd be talking about washing our hands more

and maybe, but the way this is transmitted, no way. No, no. So I love that Falwell's like attacking, like he's trying to get like journalists arrested

that have criticized him. Yeah, at one point, yeah. Just saying the truth about the things I'm Yeah. At one point, yeah. Just saying the truth about the things I'm doing. That's an arresting. Yeah, they're getting, isn't he sending his lawyers after people too?

Yeah. Like what? They're just saying things out loud at this point. The truth, you literally can't handle the truth. Whoa, okay, okay. Let's settle down.

What seems to be the problem? What seems to be the problem? Is there a problem here? Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature. White male, 40, 45. Caucasian male. Stocky build, approximately 5 foot 10 inches. Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8.55 p.m. with a female unsub. Appears to be slightly intoxicated.

Claims to be an ex-spouse. Real piece of work. Real piece of work. Real piece of work. Real piece of work. Real piece of work. Real piece of work. This story's fucking insane. I just have to read a few things from it. This is from Tech Dirt. Ninth Circuit says man can't sue officers who destroyed his home to capture an unarmed homeless man.

Wow, the homeless man got in and didn't have any arms? That's crazy. How much damage could he have done? Yeah, I mean, what was he just kicking things over? I don't even understand. His shoulder flailing all around. He's just diving at things like

Terry Crews office linebacker with his head. He's just like, poof, poof. Poofy knocks over the TV. He's sort of just wobbling. Then he stands back up and runs out the door. Oh, gosh. He wouldn't be that dangerous, but he's a world just wobbling then he stands back up and runs out the door oh gosh he wouldn't be that dangerous but he's a world champion soccer player so he's fucking money with those biscuits he's kicking everything all over the place he kicks the fucking oven door off it's just he's super powerful

so this is just crazy like the the Ninth Circuit Appeals Court just delivered bad news to a homeowner who saw his farmhouse destroyed by an unknown number of cops who arrived at the scene in 55 vehicles. 55 vehicles. Now, answer me this, Tom. Were some of those not land vehicles?

Did they show up in a police hovercraft? Or was there a lake nearby and they had like a jet boat that they show up? There's always an inlet or a fjord. There was a helicopter. They had a drone. Like, what did they show up in? Dude, they seriously had 55... They did have two helicopters

and two motorhomes, which were crisis response vehicles. Did the motorhomes have smaller vehicles than them? And they turned into like... Like Knight Rider? Yeah. It's just like a car comes out of it. Yeah, it comes out of it.

Well, it'd be better if a bunch of cars and maybe a helicopter flies out and then they all join into like a police Voltron. A police Voltron. 55 vehicles. That's the next thing. We're talking about SWAT

and militarizing the police force. They will have a Voltron. Voltron. I guarantee it. They will have a Voltron. Which part of Voltron is the worst part to be?

The worst part to be is the... Well, because the torso is the head. And then the arms are lion heads. And then the feet are lion heads too. So they're all the same. They all have the same level of, there's no bad part of Boltron. Maybe the left arm. Left arm or left leg,

I guess. I don't know. That's why, like being the legs, I think it's just like, cool, I'll just run at them. I just do half the running.

You do all the cool fighty stuff with the sword. Clearly, like maybe it's the wrong question. I don't know which one's the worst one, but I do know which one's the worst one but i do know which one's the best one and that's the sword having arm and the sword what do you have to or the talking arm because one of the ones is the hat so the talking the one that's like i control all the

other lion faces that one's good too that's a good lion face to have is the one that controls the other lion faces like like who do you have to blow in fucking Voltron Command Center to get the sword arm job? Like, what's the best job? What's the best job? Left foot? You're just like, fuck. I like JV, motherfucker.

You barely made this team. The worst part about being the left foot too is that it chews through shoes. It just chews through shoes. It's just all the time. You put the shoe on and it just bites right through. Like, I just put this on. I just put the shoe on.

What is wrong with you? Then you're like, what is wrong with me? It's my foot. Why do I have sentient feet? What is happening in my world? Why is that even remotely necessary? Why would Voltron just immediately show up and form into Voltron?

Like, why do you have to lose for 10 minutes as five individual lions? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. That's a very interesting question. I know you're right because it's like

you could either be the fifth place team from Czechoslovakia in basketball or you could be the Harlem Globetrotters, which twins do you want to be? You want to be the other one. You want to be the one

that's going to just destroy everything every time. That's the one thing I don't get. I remember I was getting prescription medicine one time and the doctor said, well, we want to try to get you just like one, the smallest dose of this medicine that we can just take the smallest dose. And I'm thinking myself, I'm like, no, I want to take the most doses that I can. So I don't feel what I'm feeling. What is wrong with you? Give me whatever doesn't break my liver. Yeah, I think that's what

Voltron is, is that they were just like, well, we just want to see if we can handle it without actually forming into the bitey hand, bitey foot, bitey face thing. Like, one time, look, I would be sympathetic to that if one Voltron episode concluded without them turning into

a fucking giant robot. Yeah, the cat's just one. Yeah. Right. But every time they're just like, oh, God, we got our ass kicked again. Just show up, kill the fucking thing with a sword and go get chicken wings. You're wasting like 30 minutes. What are you doing?

Okay, well, if you just showed up and just did that, and then they just played fucking Animal Crossing for the rest of the 15 minutes. Well, it's boring as shit man all right let's talk about this 55 vehicle voltron that shows up all right so 55 fucking vehicles including two helicopters and a couple of motorhomes show up one from one from fresno california sheriff's office the other from clovis police department all of this was in response to a homeless man who'd been spotted by a neighbor. Wasn't Clovis

Boss Hog's deputy? Like, wasn't, isn't that Clovis? Isn't that his name? I think it was. Anyway. Clovis is like, that is a fucking

back alley, fucking hillbilly ass name. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. If you come from that, you're like, City Bird is the banjo. Your favorite color is gangrene. So the homeless guy breaks into this house

and he refuses to come out and he threatened to shoot officers. The man was unarmed. He'd done nothing more than just eat some food from this guy's fridge. Several hours after the standoff, the whole thing concludes. The law enforcement officers did $150,000 worth of damage to capture an unarmed homeless guy who raided the refrigerator. Five rooms get tear gassed, four doors, seven windows are destroyed. 90 feet of fencing was rolled over by the SWAT team and they blew out an entire wall of this guy's house. The guy walks in and it looks like the party from

16 candles. There's a pizza with one piece missing out on the turntable as it's spinning around. So this guy, he tries to sue the police department because like it would have been cheaper for him to let the homeless man fucking steal everything from his house. Yeah, exactly. And they're just like, yeah, no. Sorry. no. Sorry. We really, really, really definitely had to run over your fence to capture

this guy. This guy isn't even the guy that called the police, by the way. The neighbor did. Wait. He was inside by my fridge. Why did you run over all of my fence? I don't understand. What did you do that for?

We always get our man. It's like, I wish you didn't get this guy. This guy... My life would be so much better if this guy was in my life. If this guy just became someone I had to take care of forever, I would still be ahead. If I had to adopt this guy,

I would still be ahead. Can you fucking imagine after they handcuff that guy and haul him away and they just drive away you're looking around and you're like what the fuck what the fuck just happened here my house has no wall i have no wall i used to have a wall as my house stinks of tear gas as as the dust falls out and the one wall falls, last wall falls and hits the ground, the last police officer rides up on his motorcycle, looks at him, he's like, you're welcome, sir. And then he just jumps away.

To protect and to serve. Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished. And to serve. Mission accomplished. Everyone needs answers sometimes. We are the place America goes. For service to please, for expert advice.

There is one answer everyone knows. There's so much more than just a storm. Radio Shack. So the story comes from National Post. This is a little bit of coronavirus good news. Actually, I thought this was really impressive. Former CEO of Radio Shack, now an ER doctor on the front lines of the COVID-19 fights. This guy has kind of an amazing story, actually.

So this guy, just looking through his life, this is Brian Levy. He was kind of like a science nerd his whole life, totally into science. As he puts it in the article, the medicine thing on hold to pursue a career in electronics ends up moving his way up to become the CEO of Radio Shack? Is the CEO of Radio Shack up until Radio Shack sold to Tandy for like $11 million back when $11 million was a lot more than $11 million now, right? And then at the age of 50, he's like, you know, I never got around to that whole becoming a goddamn doctor thing. Yeah. Applied to medical school

and just became a goddamn doctor and is now an ER doctor. Like, a guy who does not need the fucking money at all. Yeah. It's just like,

you know, yeah. Yeah. I just care about this. Yeah. Like, it's just something that I just inherently,

personally care about. Yeah. And he's just doing it. Yeah. And he's, like you say, he's working on the I just inherently, personally care about. Yeah, I think it's— And he's just doing it. Yeah, and he's—like you say, he's working on the front lines, doing stuff in Canada. One of the things that we got contacted last week, because we talked about the—one of the people, one, like, leader, a government leader. I don't remember where he's from. Was it Ireland, maybe? That the guy was—

Yeah. Like, going back and doing some medical stuff. We got contacted by a couple of people who told us that it's a PR stunt, that he's only spending like an hour on the phone a week. And it's just phone work and stuff like that. And it was essentially a PR stunt because he's, you know, I guess a very conservative guy or something like that. So I wanted to make sure that we mentioned that this week because I don't, and the thing is,

it's like, like we're finding these stories that are somewhat uplifting and we've gotten, I think, a lot of, a lot of pushback on some of these stories already in the last week. The other one that we got a huge amount of pushback on was the gay blood donating story. Oh yeah, yeah. T amount of pushback on was the gay blood donating story. Oh, yeah, yeah. Tons of pushback on that. It's not a bright spot. There's a lot of stuff that's wrong with it. They're only relaxing it for part-time, and they're relaxing that there's a celibacy thing that's going on,

that the gay people have to agree that they've been celibate for a certain amount of time, but you don't have to do that if you're straight. And so there's a bunch of stuff that's still bad about it. They relaxed some restrictions, but they didn't relax at all. And so it's not, it's certainly not a rose happy thing. And we had sort of talked about it, couched last week anyway, because, you know, one of the things that we were talking about was, you know, the fact that it's still existed before shows that they could easily just go back to it and things like that.

But, but the fact is, is that it still isn't even equal, even still, it's not equal, right? Even still there, there's,

there's still barriers for, yeah, for gay people to give blood. So it's not great. And we wanted to cover that too, but it's tough because you find these stories and you think, wow, that's kind of uplifting. And then, and then there's, but the problem is our audience is skeptics and they're like, yeah, but that's not true. It's like, well,

well, we want to be true too. And we want to be happy. Sometimes I think you have to choose between the two, but this one feels, this one feels nice. And, you know, the thing is, is that he's had this for a while and they're talking about it in a way to say,

like, some people don't have to do this and they are doing this. Right. You know, that was the career they chose.

This is this guy's second career and now here he is doing this work when he doesn't, he clearly doesn't have to. You know what I mean? Right.

Yeah. It's fucking impressive. Now, one girl did die in the fire. She was 16 years old, and as the story goes, she was on her way to turn her first trick. So she was a whore? She was, yes. But in addition to as well as she was a virgin?

Yes. Virgin whore, bro. Perfect. Perfect. Dude. Almost as impressive as this story cecil from the bbc this okay guys you got to go to this story and just look at the image i you know it's funny cecil i found this story on a less reputable website and then i i found it on on reddit actually and i clicked into the comments because i'm like i don't know about that site and somebody else was like made the same comment and somebody linked is like,

is the BBC good enough for you? And I'm like, that's good enough for me. Good enough for me. So I grabbed it. Coronavirus. Indonesian village uses ghosts for distancing patrols. So they're using volunteers dressed up as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. What the fuck? And these things, I just got to say, they look like they're wrapped up like carpet rolled up against a wall. They look crazy.

They look like someone cosplaying as a hand-rolled joint. To me, they look like mafia corpses. They look like they're ready to swim with the fishes. That's what they look like to me. They are also sitting a little close to each other.

I will say that. When I saw this photo, I thought, they're within arm's reach of each other. That's not six feet. Yeah. Admittedly, they don't have arms

because they're all wrapped up inside of this weird sheet thing. But yeah. They're wearing the ultimate mask is what it is. It's just like a full body mask. You don't have to wash your hands if your hands are pressed

to your body. Yeah, exactly. And then everything's out of arm reach. So you can just bounce into shit. Yeah, exactly. And then everything's out of arm reach. So you can just bounce into shit because, you know, anything that you don't shoulder, you're fine. It's one way to get around it. These loopholes are killing us. Yeah. One thing I love about this story is like, they put these ghosts, which are supposed to like, look like these like traditional figures, like these Pekong figures. And they,. And they had them out there to try to scare people.

But instead of scaring people, they initially had the opposite effect. People were like, hey, what's that? They're like, fucking went up to rubber neck them. Well, one of the things they say in this too is that they say that they started coming out at night because they basically, after they come out, people leave and go home after evening

prayers. And I'm thinking, well, then you guys are all out during evening prayers. You're hanging out outside then. It doesn't count if it's evening. So here's the thing, Cecil. A lot of people don't know this because it's not true. The coronavirus can't infect you at dawn, at dusk, or at church. And that is not true. What if you're in the movie from dusk till dawn? Then you're totally fine. But you do have to dance sexy

with a snake. And then the movie has to change suddenly and trick me into what it's about. And do I have to have like a, I pull back my thing and I have a gun codpiece. Can I have a gun codpiece? Because I would like a gun codpiece. If you don't have a gun codpiece,

I'm disappointed in you. How effective is the gun? Like, you know, I've heard a shooting from the hip before, but that's a little ridiculous. I forgot about that. Can you imagine what the recoil would feel like? It's like getting kicked in the nards.

It's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Where's the trigger mechanism? What is firing the trigger mechanism? You know what's firing the trigger mechanism. What, does he have a prehensile penis? What is happening down there? He's just wired so he has to get erected or before it could go off. Well, why did he go off

way earlier when she was dancing for Christ's sake? I don't know. Maybe he's just not into that. Maybe he doesn't like snakes. Okay, that's fine. Everyone's into something different, Cecil. I'm not here to judge. Will you let us come in? Will you let us explain to you what we want?

And will you, for the love of God, put on a fucking shirt? So this story comes from Local 10. And I love this because this is just like the fucking world we are in now. I know, I know, I know. Judge to lawyers, please get out of bed and put on a shirt for Zoom court hearings. Put on a shirt? Put on a shirt?

This shit has gotten so... I love the fact that, like, people are like, work from home. That means there are no rules. Like, what? It does not mean that. Okay. It does not mean that. Have you had any weirdness

like that at all on any of the calls that you're on? Has there been anybody who's shown up in, like, a crop top or, you know or bathrobe or something? No, just the opposite. All the calls that I've been on that have been video calls, everybody is dressed for work. So I haven't seen anybody even all that casually dressed. What about you? So I woke up this morning and I wear hoodies all day because I'm at home and I'm just like, fuck you, I'm at home.

But I get up, I brush my hair, I put my hair back and then I have a hoodie on. So I'll sit at my computer and have my hoodie on. And this morning, this guy calls me, sends me a message on Teams and he says, hey, can I talk to you for a minute? I said, sure. So he calls me, his computer's sitting on his lap. He's clearly just got up in his white t-shirt and it's a V-neck t-shirt and he's sitting there and his hair, Tom, it was so hilarious. His hair was as straight up as you could possibly imagine. It was literally straight up and down. And he's, and he says like, and it's and it's like when you wake up. And I know a lot of people have had this where you've been at a house party with your buddy and you turn, like you're in the same room.

You're sleeping on the floor. He's sleeping on the floor. And then you turn over and you look at your buddy and you say, hey, man, we should probably get in the car and go. And he goes, and he kind of sniffs real loud and he sits up and he's like, huh, huh, huh. And his hair is straight up in the air. This guy looked, I mean, I'm not even kidding when I say, I feel like he probably sent me that first message lying down.

He sent me that first message. He sent you the message to get on the call. He sent me the message to get on the call. I guarantee he sent it lying down. Because when he got it, when he got it, it's that big inhale through the nose. And he's just sitting there and you're like,

he hasn't even had his coffee yet and his hair looks like a mad fucking scientist. It was the craziest. What time was it? 907. I fucking love it. I wish that I've had even, but like all of the people

that have been on calls, it's like, like they're kind of, I think, doing what I'm doing. They're trying to pretend life is still okay. So like I get up

and like I get showered and I get dressed and I'm just like, there's still something worth waking up for. So I haven't seen anything crazy yet. What I like is that

this story, the judges are pissed off at all these lawyers and saying, look, you can't just show up in like beach wear. Just sit on these calls. And they're talking about it.

And I'm thinking to myself, I was thinking to myself, the very best thing you could do is buy correctional pajamas. So you look like you're in an orange jumpsuit and get on the call with the judge. Wouldn't that be the greatest thing to do is own like a correctional suit, you know, correctional facility, pajamas.

Full like fucking Hannibal Lecter thing where you have your spouse like wheel you in on like a dolly. He got a mascot. He got a mascot and you're trying to talk to it. Your Honor, I would like you to file this motion. I would like you to file a motion for these fava beans and this nice Chianti. One of the things the judge said was like, in the article,

like one attorney was still in her bed. That's amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. You got to look at her and just be like no shit you're fucking owning this you're owning this shit can you imagine if she represented you though

just like oh man I have a confession to make too so I'm gonna tell everybody so the other day it gets cold

in my apartment during the day and especially if it's like 20 degrees out it gets really cold in here during the day. Like if the wind's blowing and the wind was blowing in Illinois the other day, like really badly. And so our place is drafty and old. It's a loft. So it's leaky and we have brick walls.

And so it gets cold. And so it got really cold the other day. And I had to be on a meeting from one to two 30 that I knew I wasn't going to talk in, but my boss wanted me to sit in on anyway. He's like, I want you to sit in on this meeting. And I said, do I really have to come to this fucking meeting? And he said, no, you got to sit in on it. I said, fine. So I got, I was freezing all day and I was like, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm not going to put my thing on. I'm actually going to sit on the couch and I'm going to have my laptop on my lap and I'll have my headphones on and I'll just, I'll be in the meeting that way. And I'll just shut my camera off. And there happened to be an electric blanket on the couch. And so I turned the electric blanket on and I, and I had a pillow there. And so I leaned back even farther and I may have slept through part of that meeting. And when I say I may have slept through part of that meeting, I definitively slept through part of that meeting.

I was never a deep sleep. I was never like out, out, because my mic was off and my video was off, right? So nobody knows what's happening. My mic and video are both off. But I'm in this meeting the whole time and nobody's saying my name. And so there was many times I woke up to people saying stuff

and I'm just like, what are they talking about? They're not talking about me, Zonk. I will admit today I had to be on one of those calls that I had to listen in on and not participate in. And I knew the material. Like I looked at the call notes and I'm like, I don't, I just need to be virtually attended. Sure.

You know, like this is material I know. So I just need to be virtually attended. Sure. You know, like this is material I know. So I just put my headphones in and got on my assault bike and I did a workout. I have my headphones in and I'm like, I got 20 minutes. Like this is, this will fit into my schedule. I just did a workout. I was like, eh. Giancarlo, do you have problems with your digestive system? Yes. It is the curse of my life. I would give up all that I have, all of it, to live one day like a normal... human being. Giancarlo, I'm sorry. It's all right. I know that when I die,

God will take me into his heaven because I have already done my time in hell. This story comes from the Independent. A different Independent, though. This is a different Independent, not a reputable one. Independent.ng. I don't know anything about it. This story also was, I found, did find it on a science, like a science-based news one, too.

I did find another version of this. That's not as, it's not as cheeky as this one is, though. You should just read this one. I just want to, yeah, that's whyy as this one is, though. You should just read this one. I just want to, yeah, that's why I grabbed this one, actually. Cheeky. Coronavirus can spread

through farts. Report. The deadly coronavirus could be spreading through farts. Silent but deadly coronavirus? You're just crop dusting like fucking typhoid Mary. You're just crop dusting like fucking Typhoid Mary.

You're just... Oh, God. Oh, that's right. I had nothing but fucking kimchi for a week. Just a... Every elevator, you kill everyone in the elevator every time. Oh, my God. elevator you kill everyone in the elevator every time oh my god the deadly coronavirus could be spreading through farts according to doctors but farts are unlikely to transmit the virus provided pants are worn yeah as long as they're n95 pants you're fine

i read that i was like well first all, based on that last story, that's a big fucking if. Yeah. I'm just saying like provided pants are worn. Yeah. Well, and also that makes me think I'm just going to wrap pants around my face to walk around.

That's the case. Tests carried out have shown that the virus was present in the feces of more than half of patients with COVID-19. They said more research needed to be done to rule out passing the disease on to people through omitting bodily gases. A doctor raised the issue on social media, highlighting work by Australian doctor Andy Tagg, which he called an enjoyable thread about whether farting can cause coronavirus. In his findings, Tagg cited tests carried out earlier this year, which showed 55% of

patients with SARS-CoV-2 had at present in their poo. In their poo. In their poo. Well, SARS-CoV-2 can be detected in feces and has been detected in an asymptomatic individual up to 17 days post-exposure. The doctor added that previous tests have shown farts have the power to spray talcum powder long distances. Okay, wait. I have so many questions. Okay, wait. I have so many questions. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, so there are some clinical trials that I want to be involved in. Of all the clinical trials I've ever heard of, this is the one I want to be involved in. This is the one I absolutely want. And I want to be involved in it on an aggressive way to win. Like, I want to win. Like, I don aggressive way to win. Like I want to win. Like I don't want to just, I don't want to just be like, yeah, you could get a thing. I want to know what everybody else's score was. And I want to measure up. That's what I want to do. That's

my goal. So, so just like logistically, how are you doing this study? Worst clinical trial ever if you're the guy who has to test it. Are you just like laying on your belly with like an asshole I hope so. dusted in talcum? Oh, God. How do you spend your Wednesdays?

Are you like getting like a talcum enema? Like what? I just wanted to like, I seriously like, just like, just like how are you working this out? Yeah, I don't know. Are you just like standing? Are you bent over? you're just like just like how are you working this out yeah i don't know like standing are you bent over you're just like everyone's like waiting with bated breath and finally have to turn to the scientist you're like hey a washed ass never farts dude

do you have to do you have to pull like the ripcord when you go like you know like when you're when you pull the ripcord and you fart, you have to do one of those. Like, somebody has to pull your finger. They might have to get bored waiting and you're just like, well, pull my finger. Somebody has to pull your finger

in order to go. There's a dad there who just won't fart until somebody comes up and pulls his finger. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is it like a MythBuster-style high-speed camera

of like this talc explosion from this fucking ass? And how do they get in? Does Carrie have to come over with a billows full of talc and put it in your ass? Like, how does that work? Grant builds a fucking robot to do it. Here's an android farting, and some guy online is like,

you found my kink. Jesus Christ. There is somebody jerking off to talcum powder farts right now. And if you want to jerk off to talcum powder farts, all you have to do is go to adamnave.com,

type in Gloria Checkout, get 50% off almost any item. You'll get a bunch of free stuff, free stuff for you, free stuff for someone else and some movies all you have to do is type in Gloria check out you'll get free shipping

so I guess Cecil already did the ad read so I'm just here to say if you do have oh that was a big one any Brazilian fart porn interests then why don't go to adamandeve.com because there's free stuff there in fact almost any one item is 50 off if you use the code glory and they'll load on even more whoa free stuff uh 10 tantalizing gifts a sexy item for him a special gift for her a third item you'll both enjoy, and six free spicy movies, plus the tenth thing, free shipping.

So that's Glory, G-L-O-R-Y, offer code Glory at checkout at adamandeve.com. If you're into the cake farting thing, that's cool. Cake looks good, at least. But the farting, I don't know. Thanks. That's cool. I mean, the cake looks good at least, but the farting, I don't know. Um, thanks. Bring out your dead husband! Ninepence. I'm not dead.

What? Nothing. Here's your ninepence. I'm not dead. Here. He says he's not dead. Yes, he is. I'm not. He isn't? Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

I'm getting better. No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. I don't want. No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. I don't want to go with the cops. Oh, don't be such a baby. I can't take him. I feel fine.

I feel happy. I feel happy. Thanks very much. Watch out. See, I'm thirsty. Right. This story is so fun. Okay, this is a weird loophole, admittedly.

This is a weird loophole. All right. Okay, Newsweek. Chile counts those who died of coronavirus as recovered because they're no longer contagious. Checkmate. Well, the logic adds up. Checkmate. Well, the logic adds up. Checkmate. Counter, bean counter, whatever your name is.

We found a way to get around you. Can you imagine getting that phone call? It's like, good news, bad news. Your dad has recovered from coronavirus. Oh, no. Oh, my God. That's so great. I'm so glad to hear it.

What's the bad news? Can you put him on the phone? Yeah, can you put him on the phone? Sure. Hold on a second. I'll get him. Get the fuck out of here. And like,

lest you think that that is an absurd retelling of what the health minister in Chile said, let me actually read it. Quote, we have 898 patients who are no longer contagious, who are not a source of contagion for others, and we include them as recovered. not a source of contagion for others, and we include them as recovered. These are the people who have completed 14 days of diagnosis or who unfortunately have passed away. If you fucking die, you're recovered. It's been a little bit unfortunate for you.

Oh my God. Holy shit. That's amazing. Holy shit. This is like, one of the craziest things about this whole pandemic is the way that we're like just horrifyingly wrong about all of our math. Just like all like every day, like Haley and I were talking about this the other day.

She's like, I can't read these fucking numbers because I don't trust any of them. And I'm like, none of them are trustworthy. Like we're not doing any testing like we do. Like plenty of people die. And if they never got tested, they don't count as a death from coronavirus. And like other people get sick and the doctor's like, that sounds like coronavirus. You should stay home unless you get worse symptoms. Then they never get a test.

So they don't count. Like it's like it's fucking whose line is it? Coronavirus. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's all made up and the points don't matter. Exactly. Exactly.

It is. It is like going to your kid's room after they cleaned it, opening the closet and everything falls out. It's literally like that. It's like, yeah, okay, yeah. Okay, why the fuck is your carpet so lumpy? Why is everything falling out from underneath your bed?

All it is is just covering it up, covering it up, covering it up. Eventually you're just going to find out, but everybody's just trying to soften the blow for now, soften it for now, soften it for now. And that's what's happening. And that's what this is. It's like hurricane Maria, which was like hurricane Maria killed like 12 people. And they're like, well, if you count the people that died though, it's 3000. I mean, if you're accurate, it's 3,000. Yeah, no. What? I mean, if you're accurate, it's a lot more.

But if you're inaccurate, who cares? Whatever. If you count only the people named Maria. Every time somebody talks about the virus, you ought to say Jesus. I can't hear nobody here. When they talk Corona, you ought to say God God God is bigger than the virus

God is bigger than our struggle He is bigger so the story is everywhere I just grabbed this from KUTV.com it's I think a CBS affiliate defiant pastor who vowed to hold services, quote, until in jail or hospital, dies of coronavirus. He didn't realize there was three forks on that path.

He thought there was only two. This guy was symptomatic for a week. A week before he died. And the guy had, like, exacerbating health conditions, right? Like, which is often the case with those who pass away from COVID. And like, this is a guy, his name is Bishop Gerald O. Glenn. He's in Richmond, Virginia. He was a pastor at New Deliverance Evangelistic Church. And they had fucking packed church services, packed services, despite a state order saying, don't do that. And he still did it. Yeah. And he was all like shitty about it. Like,

we essential, you know, we're going to keep doing church, church, church, church, church. And then he got sick and then he died. So then his daughter says, quote, it becomes, and this is so selfish. This is why I want to read this. Like, this is so tone deaf and selfish quote. It becomes very real to you. I just beg people to understand the severity and the seriousness of this because people are saying it's not just about us. It's about everyone around us. And it's like, that's what all the health experts have always been saying. Literally what everybody's been saying. Like, like how fucking incredibly selfish and stupid

and tone deaf are you? That you're just like, well, now that my dad's dead, it's super real. It's somebody else's dad. It's like, how fucking can somebody, what a stupid thing to say out loud. This is a serious thing that we're shutting down

the entire world to address. I hadn't thought so much. All it takes is one person close to you, and it's the same thing, Tom, it's the same thing we talk about all the time for all the other things that people don't have empathy for. It's all those other things that we talk

about when we talk about people that have to get government assistance because there's no social safety net. How many people hate those people safety net. How many people hate those people, right? How many people talk and just spit vitriol at those people constantly? And then the moment someone in their family or someone they know, they get on that program, it's a totally different thing. It's either that they deserved it or sometimes it opens their eyes and on occasion it'll open their eyes. And hopefully this is the moment

when people go to these church services and then realize, you know, six people that they're close to die. They realize this isn't a joke. It's not something that's an absolute joke. You see those idiots this week up in Michigan? Did you see the Michigan protest? Oh, yeah, yeah.

They were in their cars, like, protesting the shutdown, right? Yeah, well, there's a bunch of people, but there was a bunch of people standing yeah, yeah. They were in their cars protesting the shutdown, right? Yeah. Well, there's a bunch of people, but there was a bunch of people standing outside too. There's a whole crowd of them outside and they all had, what was so funny was they all had Confederate flags. A lot of them had Confederate flags. Michigan was not part of the Confederacy. No. It was actually part of the union. I think it was part of the union, but it definitely wasn't part of the Confederacy. And one of the things too, is that that is hilarious about that is they're upset

that the governor is deciding stuff. And I'm like, aren't you the same assholes to try to spread the state's rights narrative? And you're just like, but the state has rights. Okay, well, the state just exhibited them. Well, I don't like them because the rights I don't want them to have. Okay, well, then you're an idiot.

And to be fair, the president has total authority. Yeah, he did say that this week, that he has total authority. Total authority. He also said he was going to just dismiss Congress at one point. That's the world we live in. The Republican small government mindset. I know. The executive branch has total authority.

God, those two things that happened in conjunction this week, the first day when he was, because the day before he said he had, the day before he said

he was going to dissolve all government or whatever, the day before he was talking, I have total authority over the states. And I just, the first thing that came out of my mouth was,

states rights, bitches, where you at? Where you at, states' rights, bitches? You've been talking about states' rights forever. Where the fuck are you right now? And the thing is, the problem is, they've just been carrying Trump's balls this whole time that they can't get out from underneath them. They can't stop themselves.

They're constantly fucking trying to carry his nuts. It's unbelievable. And then he's signing his name to the fucking check to the stimulus check and then he's pretending it doesn't have anything to do with it one of the things he's pretending oh i don't know they just i don't know why they're doing it but i'm sure they're gonna really enjoy that lots of great money that money i'm giving them and they're gonna love that money and i I, I posted a status this week that basically was like, that's not his fucking money, man. It's your money. It's always been your money. It's never been his money. And it's just, it's such bullshit.

Matt, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town. Okay, Charlie, I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs. Well, calm down, because here's one thing that's not going to happen. What? We're not going to get fired. We're not, because we've already been fired. So here's two stories that are the same story, essentially. but fucking what is wrong with us? This is from Birmingham, uh, live Birmingham, NHS Nightingale hospital, phone mast hit by fire amid 5g coronavirus conspiracy claims. Um, so here's the thing that I didn't really realize. Like there's evidently a conspiracy theory floating around out there that like

5g cell phone towers yeah cause you to be more susceptible to covid19 and are like responsible for its spread as a result like you just like, it's like worsened somehow because the internet in your pocket got faster. And so vandals are burning down cell phone towers. And I have so many questions. How do you even burn down a giant metal tower? I, you know,

you really got to want it, don't you? You really got to want it. I, one of the things that I saw about this that I thought was hilarious was they printed out the 5G map and they compared it to the hotspots for coronavirus. And it's the same map. It's essentially the same map

because the hotspots for coronavirus also happen in population centers, which those population centers are also where they're putting 5G up. But then the person started putting up all the different maps, and there are all these different maps of just random shit that also correlate to population. So it's number of McDonald's, and they're exactly the same, right? The exact same pattern over and over and over. And I don't remember what all of them were, but I remember reading through them and laughing my ass off. One of them was like tapeworms in the United States. And it's the same. And it's so funny because it's always the exact same map because it shows the population. So anywhere where there's going to be

more population, you're always going to have more of that. You're just always, and so that's what they're talking about. But that doesn't, none of this takes into account the fact that people get this all over the place.

Also, South Dakota's a huge hotbed. Where's your 5G at South Dakota? You can't even get to G in the alphabet, South Dakota. They're burning these towers down. And I'm like, I'm thinking about the cell phone towers. They're giant metal structures. Like, what are you even burning down? Yeah, yeah.

Like, they're just like pouring gas on the steel and the steel is just like, yeah, well, the gas will burn off. What? You got to fly a plane in it, into it in order to get it to fall over. That's the key. You can't use jet fuel on it.

That won't work. Won't work, Tom. The other thing too, is that there's another story you found where the celebrities, there's a bunch of celebrities that are talking about this and being like, oh, I don't know anything about it. Maybe it weakens your immune system. Maybe it does this. And they're posting shit to their social media,

which has millions of people that follow them. And it's false information. And they're just sharing it because they're fucking idiots. And you should never take fucking health advice from Woody Harrelson. You shouldn't take any, you shouldn't take acting advice from Woody Harrelson. If you're bleeding out and he's the only one with a towel, don't let him near you. Just literally, just don't let him near you. You know, like people that are celebrities, I sometimes wonder if they understand

the grotesquely over large impact that like their throwaway bullshit social media posts can have. And I, and I, I have to imagine that they have no idea like, right. And like, you know, part of it is this idea of this parasocial con content concept where like, because people feel, because like people take in information and like connection through these mediums that they're attached to. They feel very personally attached sometimes

to celebrities that they listen to, celebrities that they watch on TV and into movies, celebrities that they feel like they have interaction with, even though the interaction is only like a one-way interaction. Like, so they don't, without understanding the depth and importance of that, like, I don't think that like people are as conscious as they should be about like

that throwaway comment. Like, well, I'm just asking questions. You're like, not to the people on your fucking Instagram page. Right. There are people on your Instagram page that are like burning down a fucking cell phone tower. Yeah. page that are like burning down a fucking cell phone tower. Yeah.

You know, and like, it's ridiculous, but like, we kind of need that like information infrastructure, particularly right now, if people are going to do things like work from home and call ambulances with their cell phones. Yeah. You know, like it's a bad thing. It's dangerous to burn down our communication towers. Yeah. Yeah, man, it's fucked up. And the thing is that even if they don't think it's a big deal

and they say, oh, well, it's just not like I'm just asking questions. I'm not falling on either side of this. When you post something or share something that clearly has a slant or is clearly being denialist about how things work, you have a stance. You are putting a stance out there. And there are people out there who cannot take you, like, maybe they might not pay attention to your comment that's like, I don't know anything about this, but I'm just saying it. They might not be able to process that. And they're going to see you post this thing and they're going to believe you. And then they're going to act. And then they're going to tell their friends.

And then they're going to, I mean, there's so much rumor mill shit right now out there. It's just insane. There's so much rumor mill shit. You just need to take a step back and say, none of that shit matters. You hear a story about somebody and in some ER somewhere, don't believe it. I just, my, unless somebody is absolutely vetting that story or it's someone that you absolutely 100% trust, then maybe believe it. I just, my, unless somebody is, is absolutely vetting that story or it's someone that you absolutely a hundred percent trust, then maybe believe it. But if it's a friend of a friend,

throw that shit right out right now. Throw it out right now. Just, just nod and smile, but don't believe it. Just a reminder that our live streams happen every Thursday at 9 p.m. Central. This next clip comes from last Thursday, which was

April 16th. All right, we're going to cover one of these. Let's do the Jim Baker one time. I'm going to play it for you. The next thing that's going to happen is people are going to kill preachers who believe in the Bible, that believe the whole bible is truth and see they're trying to say the bible's not true you know god didn't say that you should do this or that that you shouldn't you know have you know you can you put a fucking what is that together what is happening to jim baker right now what the fuck is happening to him? He is like, okay, I get that the fucking quarantine is tough and maybe we're losing a little bit of our fucking mental acuity,

but Jim Baker has gone downhill faster than all of us combined. Okay, here we go. Here we go, guys. You ready? Have you ever had a dream that you had, you could do, you could do so, you wanted to do so much, you could do anything? That's fucking Jim Baker right now, right? I'm not wrong. I'm not fucking wrong. Play it back's listen to it here we go here's jim baker you ready okay have you ever had a dream that that you you you i'm sorry okay let me play him. No, let me play him. I'll play him. Oh, my God. The Bible is truth.

And see, they're trying to say the Bible's not true. You know, God didn't say that you should do this or that, that you shouldn't, you know, have, you know, you... It's all... Collect your fucking thoughts, Jimmy. Make a fucking note. Did you get surprised by your own show? The show.

I didn't know I was going to be on it. Who's up? That you had. You do what you want. You can do so. You want him to do you so much you can do anything. That's my favorite shit I've ever seen. So we want to thank our patrons.

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We really would appreciate it. Yeah, and to those of you guys who have upped your patronage, I just want to say like, again, to echo Cecil's point, we've never had to rely on this show to make our living. And it's likely for

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keeps the lights on. And it couldn't be more appreciated. I appreciate it. Cecil does. I know our families do too. So we're grateful to have all of you guys out there. So we got a bunch of messages about if people liked last week's episode, we got one from Mary and Mary said that it couldn't have come at a better time. It was exactly what they needed. They're having a rough go of it and they really needed an opportunity to laugh.

And last week, that's what we gave them. This week, that's what we gave them. Hopefully next week, that's what we give you. Our goal at this point is to not just overtake a boring

analysis that everyone else is making. Everyone else, I mean, you don't have to be a genius to know Trump is screwing everything up. You don't have to even have any kind of real insight when it comes to that stuff. And genuinely, we really didn't need it before, but you definitely don't need it now. And so you don't need us to tell you how badly things are happening in certain parts of the government and how bad people are doing. But we do find, hopefully we will find some good stories. If you find a good, funny story that you think is hilarious, send it to us at dissonance.podcast.gmail.com. We may include it in next week's show. We've got a message from Tyler. He wanted to let us know that he's a big fan of our work

and he's also, Tom, from Idaho. Yeah. Maybe. You know. Send me a picture with a potato or whatever and then maybe I'll believe it.

Take a picture outside and show me that there's no people near you and I'll believe you. But Tyler became a patron. So we want to thank you, Tyler, for doing that. We got a message from Adam

and Adam said, the reason why these guys hate Bill Gates is he's more effective at improving the world than they will ever be. And yeah, I mean, hard truths.

That's for sure. That's absolutely true. It's that whole like two hands working versus two hands praying, right? Yeah, two hands jerking themselves off to God. Got a message from Chris and Chris is a patron.

He is bcpdoc on Patreon and he is from Idaho as well. So thank you, Chris, for being a patron. And I guess thank you for coming from Idaho. Yeah, I guess I'm sorry you're in Idaho. Like they have roads that lead out of Idaho. Yeah. Just saying.

Got a message from Michael and Michael said, he's talking about Peeps and he says, it's true that they're disgusting, but have you ever tried roasting them over a fire? The sugar caramelizes

and it's not bad. I give them to my niece and nephew when they leave. What kind of endorsement is to deal with the fallout after he gives it to him? Right, exactly. Like, you know,

it's like eating just a bag of ramen. You're like, yeah, it's not bad. You can kind of live off of it. Whatever. You can choke it down if it's the only thing available. We got so many comments about your lovebird story.

And I have a confession to make. I have heard that story a half dozen times and I never tell you. I pretended that I've never heard it before for the audience, but I've heard that story. And I love that lovebird. I never met that love. I would have killed that. oh my god i fucking hated that god i will admit this i fucking hated that bird with every fiber of my being because it was just the meanest god damned animal it just was and i know we were the ones that were responsible for you guys were responsible i know that i own that i get it i'm sorry but i remember how i felt as a young teenage boy oh man and a bird like i would have to clean that thing's cage and like i'd have to get fire I get it. I'm sorry, but I remember how I felt as a young teenage boy. Oh, man. And a bird, like, I would have to clean that thing's cage,

and, like, I'd have to get fireman gloves out and, like, capture the bird because it would just fucking bite and bite and bite, and you're like, what the fuck kind of pet is this? Why would I have? It'd be like if somebody was like, well, you know, it's your fault that pit bull is like vicious. You're like, yeah, it is. I get that.

But I don't need to have it live in my house anymore. It's like having one of those alien face huggers as a pet. Who would have that? Who would want that in your house? So you're laying in bed. The thing like wraps its fucking tail around your neck and sticks his fucking thing. And you're like, God, I hate having this thing. Why do I have this thing in my house?

This facehugger just keeps on sticking this ovipositor down my throat every moment. I fucking hate this so much. And you're like, why did you get the fucking facehugger then? It's like getting that fucking Stampy the Elephant from He-Legs. It's just like, and I know, like, again, like, I know, I know that it was our fault as people for being, like, irresponsible with the pets that we owned, and you should not get pets that you don't understand. You just shouldn't do that.

Yeah, you should not. I fucking hated that. I'm so afraid of birds still. I don't like them at all. I would be too. We got a message from birds still. I don't like them at all. I would be too. We got a message from Brian, and Brian says he's also from Idaho. He's from Northern Idaho.

Oh, my God. Is that a distinction without a fucking difference or what? What is it Northern Idaho? It's not Southern. I mean, it's like a boot, though. Isn't it shaped like a boot? Isn't the state? Nobody cares how that state is shaped.

Nobody remembers it. You know how you put the Idaho piece in the map, Cecil? It's the last fucking piece of the map. That's how you put it in. Because you look at it and you puzzle and you cock your head like a dog and you wonder what state it is. Another listener,

Martin from Boise, sends us a message to let us know that he's also a listener of Cognitive Dissonance. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks, guys. So we got a message from Phil, and Phil is looking for advice. He looks like he's living in the second story of a home with their in-laws and they're Trump-supporting and religious, and he's wondering about advice on how to communicate with them.

religious, and he's wondering about advice on how to communicate with them. Yeah. So, I mean, I hate to say this, but when you're financially dependent on somebody else, your options are limited, right? And that's not fair maybe, and it sucks, but it's nonetheless true. So when you are not financially independent and you are in need of someone else's assistance, I do think that that means that you, to some degree, live under their roof with their rules and with their bullshit. So to some degree, you're just going to have to recognize the world is full of people with whom you will disagree. And in this case, your family happens to be one of them. And if they're rude to you and they're rude to your spouse and they are disrespectful of your beliefs,

the only thing that you can do is to try to seek financial independence so that you can have true independence in terms of your thoughts and your actions. And once you have achieved financial independence, then you can be a little more honest about how you feel. But as long as you rely on somebody else and you live under their roof, it is kind of their roof, their rules. That's the unfortunate actual reality that you're just in right now. I feel for you. That sucks. It does suck. But don't blow up your life and your financial world in order to stand on principle. That's a great way to be homeless. in order to stand on principle. That's a great way to be homeless.

Yeah. I will say this. I have dealt with in-laws in the past that have not been as, I don't know, have had difference of opinion. Yeah. And one of the things that has happened, especially most recently

since Trump has been elected, is that constructive conversations cannot happen. So there has been ground rules that have been set that have basically said, look, let's just genuinely leave this one thing off the table, which is politics. Let's try to do our best to leave this off the table. And if somebody mentions it, we'll just, one of us will just leave.

And that sort of is what happened and people have stopped talking about politics. So maybe it might be worth reaching out to try to talk about ground rules of conversation beforehand. They may be receptive to that. They may say, you know what? I don't want to aggravate you. I don't want you. And I love my, I love my family. I don't want to hurt them. So our difference of opinion hurts your feelings. Then maybe we need to talk about how to, how to coexist better and opening that dialogue may work. So maybe reach out to talk about how to coexist better. And opening that dialogue may work.

So maybe reach out to them and say, look, I'd really like to talk to you about ground rules about what we should be able to discuss and not discuss because we do hold very different opinions and we don't feel like there's going to be any fruitful discussion based on it.

But good luck. You know, I know it's tough being in that position. So good luck to you. So next week, come join us on Twitch. We are actually just going to try to do Twitch. We'd really love to have you next week. Come join us on Twitch. If we get our numbers up for Twitch, we can get a partnership of some kind. And that is helpful to us both in Twitch terms, in the sense that it helps the audience get better stuff, but it also helps us

possibly monetize in a different way. So if you are a listener, you've never gone to one of our live streams on Thursday night, nine central, and you think, gosh, you know, I really want to go to one next week. You don't even really need an account just to go. You can just go to Twitch, join in. If you have an account, you can chat with us. Even if you don't have an account, you can still chat. But if you, if you have an account, you can chat with us. Even if you don't have an account, you can still chat. But if you have an account, you can chat with us. We're going to be on Twitch next week trying this out. So please, if you haven't come to one of the live streams, we're going to ask you to come next week

so we can just hang out, chill with you guys, and enjoy being quarantined with you. So come, please, check us out. You're going to love it. We have a great time. And if you're a patron, you know how much fun we have on these. We just have an absolute blast every time. So that's going to wrap it up for this week.

We are going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative

acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage

death in towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. double-speak stigmata nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors damages or butthurt arising from consumption all information is provided on an as-is basis no refunds produced in association with the local Thank you.