Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 522: Spa Day

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Stories from the Week

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from across the great divide of glory holes this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way we bring critical thinking skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 522, and we are continuing our descent into madness and our trend to not follow you there.

We are continuing with lighter-hearted stories. Sometimes. There's some. Mostly. Mostly. Yeah. You know, it's just, see, so I will say, like, you know, I'm trolling around looking for, like, tra-la-la, funny

ha-ha, light-hearted story. And even in, like, the offbeat section on Reddit, like, a lot of the stories, it's like they have this like dystopian flair to them. You know? Like before all this began, it would be something like an alligator drove a bulldozer

onto a golf course, you know? And now it's stuff like the president says shine a light on your pancreas. And you're just like, the president says shine a light on your pancreas. And you're just like, what? What? What's happening? What's happening?

That's amazing. All right. Let me tell a story before we get started. Let me tell a story. All right. So, you know, you can actually relate to this now more than ever. I'm kind of an insomniac. You know, I have been for all very long time in my life.

Um, middle of the night, I'll just get up and just, you know, go, I'll go out to the couch very often and, you know, I'll play a video game or I'll watch TV or whatever it is, you know, just, I, I wake up out of, out of dead sleep and it almost always happens. What happens is I go to sleep at a certain time in the evening and I will snap awake after about four hours of sleep. And then it's two hours up and then back to sleep. Normally, that's how it works. Yeah. And then I'll have to get up normal time. And I'm normally missing about two hours of sleep. Not every night, but you know, it's enough to where it's, you know, it's a sort of a routine. And so I, and by the way, I also don't want advice on this. I don't want people to send me advice on how to fix this. You know, Cecil, have you ever Googled how to not have that

fucking problem before and tried literally anything? I've tried a lot of things. Not a lot has worked and I'm not interested in hearing amateurs tell me, because that's what happens. And someone will just send you a message and say, well, have you tried spritzing your pillow with lilac? And it's like, go away from me and never speak to me again. What you got to do is snort like 40 bumps of melatonin. Just like fucking boom. And then mainline some fucking CBD oil right into your heart. Just right in your heart, Cecil.

You and the sleep specialist are just doing line after line together. heart, Cecil. You and the sleep specialists are just doing line after line together. So anyway, I'm sitting on the couch and sometimes I will fall asleep on the couch. So after I wake up, I go back to sleep and I'm on the couch and then I'll just fall asleep, right? So I'm asleep and I'm sitting there actually really kind of a really nice night last night when I came out. It was raining, and so I opened the window a little bit, and my windows in my condo only open,

the ones that face the street open all the way up, but the one that faces, there's a building next to me on the fifth floor. There's a building next to me that I overlook. That window only opens about maybe eight inches. Really? And so, yeah, there's like a lock on it, like a child lock on it, because it's lower than the other windows.

And so I opened it up as high as it'll go, which is about eight inches or so. And I walk and I sit down. I was playing my game. I fell asleep. And at six in the morning, I hear a sound. And the sound I hear is like a thumping sound. Like a, and it was one thump. It was just thump.

And that was it. And I, and a snap awake. And I, and then I hear kind of like a, like a fluttering sound. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? So I look in the window and my cat has caught a bird through the screen. Excuse me? What? Fucking bird jumped up there. A little sparrow jumped up. look in the window and my cat has caught a bird through the screen excuse me what fucking bird jumped up there a little sparrow jumped up my cat fucking slashes out breaks the screen with its claw and has the bird in its claw and it is green and it's pressed up against the screen so it

doesn't have it completely it's's got it. It pushed out enough to grab it with its claw and pull it and hold it tight to the screen. Holy shit. Cat is looking at it like it is going to kill it. And I go,

Puck, what the fuck? And he snaps up and the bird flies away and he jumps and runs away. And my fucking cat this morning caught a goddamn bird through the screen. And I've never heard of that happening.

Now, I'm sure it's happened before, but I've owned cats for, at this point, almost 20 years, and I've never had a cat do it. Yeah, all that tells me is like, even the cat is desperate for some interaction from the outside world. Everybody else is like...

Right? Like, the cat is just like, I don't even care. No, cats are social distancing champions, man. My cats have been socially distant forever and they love it. So I, yeah, but it was so funny. It snapped me the fuck awake this morning.

I was fucking bird and now I have a giant fucking gash in my screen. Dude, that's crazy. That's the craziest fucking story. It took a turn. I did not take it as a good take. I didn't either at six in the morning. I was like, what the fuck?

The cat was, I actually scared the cat and he didn't want to come by me for a few minutes either because I had yelled at him. My name is Francesca. I'm 19 years old and I love eating soap. But this one is the best one.

It kind of reminds me of like a Parmesan cheese. I eat at least two bars of soap a day. So kind of reminds me of like a Parmesan cheese. I eat at least two bars of soap a day. So I think we got to talk a little bit, Tom, about politics to start out. Okay. Let's talk a little bit about Trump and about what happened last week because we talked about it on the stream. Yeah. You know, we talked about it on the stream.

We talked about it. Yeah, but we got it wrong, right? Did we? Yeah, I think so. Oh, why did we get it? Did we get it wrong because he was sarc we? Yeah, I think so. Oh, why did we get it? Did we get it wrong because he was sarcastic? Is that it? Yeah.

The thing is, like, we were talking about, I think, on the stream, if I remember right, we didn't have all the facts. Okay. We thought when he said, and we quoted him directly. No, we played him. We didn't quote him. We played him. We just played it.

Yeah. So I think when we played. When we listened to him speak those words out loud. Yeah. So, and that's, and that, what that is, is that is fake news because he was saying that sarcastically to see what reporters would do. So he was running a social experiment on reporters in real time using completely impossible to detect sarcasm. And that's how he was communicating information to the American people during a coronavirus

briefing in the middle of a pandemic. Just like you would. Like any responsible leader would troll in real time without a blink or a wink at the camera. As you say that, my first thought is, now I understand why the evangelicals aren't

upset by this, because their god's been doing that to them forever. Right? Their god is essentially saying, I'm just fucking with you. I'm just fucking with you. No, you don't have to kill your no, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just fucking with you. I'm just fucking with you.

No, you don't have to kill your kid. I'm just fucking with you. I was 100% serious a few minutes ago, but I didn't realize you're going to do it. So I'm just fucking with you. I'm sorry. I was just fucking,

I was yanking your chain, bro. So now I understand why the, the evangelicals are 100% behind. It makes complete sense. And then he backed off of coronavirus briefings saying that they weren't worth his time. Right, right.

They weren't worth it. They were not worth your time. They're not worth his time. What do you mean they're not worth your time? The country's in the middle of a pandemic and a second Great Depression. Yeah. 30 million people are out of work.

And that's just the people that were able to file for jobless claims. There's only 320 million people. That's got to be on the workforce side. That's got to be 25 to 30 percent of the total American workforce out of work. And like, ah, it's not worth my time because, you know, my fee fees might get hurt if somebody can't tell that the things I say without a trace of sarcasm. Yeah. Okay.

So let's just, let's just, let's just 100% say, because I don't want, I don't want anybody to think I'm being sarcastic here. Right. He's a liar. He was not being sarcastic.

He was not being sarcastic at all. He doesn't know, he can't find his ass with two hands and he was saying out loud, just, just spitballing a couple ideas like nobody thought of and the reason why nobody thought of because they're stupid right so they're they if you knew anything about the human body you would never even suggest such a thing but instead you said you even have a body like even if you even borrowed one for halloween one time saw a mr yuck commercial you would know that's not a thing um i hope that i i do hope that the trump 2020 uh buttons are mr yuck though i

hope that that's what oh my god that would be fucking amazing i hope that's what he chooses as his as his button moving forward but but there was a a whole, you know, the stages of grief or whatever they say where there's like four or five distinct stages or whatever it is. I don't know exactly how many there are, 12 or maybe that's a 12-step problem. I don't know, 12-step program.

I'm not sure. I don't know. I'm confusing them. Five steps. He's like, fuck it. I don't grieve. I go straight down. They're dead.

I don't ever grieve, so it doesn't matter. But what happened was is there was a staging process of people apologizing for what he said. So the first day, there was all his supporters were saying, I don't know what they were saying the first day. But the second day, he said it was sarcastic. But the second day, he said it was sarcastic. But then a bunch of people sort of posted, after the fact, they had posted things that said,

oh, well, this is tangentially related to the thing that he was talking about. And so he really is 5D chessing all of you idiots because he knows about this radically new procedure that is only tangentially related to any of that. And so he fucked with all of you, even though he said out loud, it was sarcasm, right? So there was all these different phases that they were going through. Yeah. Like, can I just talk about one of those? Like even give it, because I want to get like, even if you gave Trump the benefit of the doubt that he was 5D

chessing people, like now is not the time. That's fucking inappropriate leadership. chessing people. Like, now is not the time. That's fucking inappropriate leadership. That's bad communication and leadership. 100% agree. Even if that were true, it would be like so outlandishly the wrong thing to do at the wrong time

and like not give people information and comfort. So that's like 1D chess. Even if you have like all the answers in your back pocket but you're a total fucking dickwad about how you talk about them like messaging fucking matters absolutely you're giving a fucking press conference because that's literally the purpose of a press conference really everything that he did was inappropriate right yeah so no matter no matter

how it was cut either okay Okay. So if he's a total buffoon and he has no idea what he's talking about, and that's the real answer for this, by the way, the real answer, if he's a total buffoon has no idea how fucking the human body works and, and says out loud, a couple of things that's inappropriate because he's spit balling medical advice in a, in a briefing that is supposed to give the American people information on how to act during this time of crisis. The other option is that he's being sarcastic. Wholly inappropriate for that venue. I mean, 100% inappropriate. 100% inappropriate. I posted a status this week

about after this had happened, after he came out and said it was sarcastic because you and I recorded before. He said it was sarcastic. Then the next day he comes out and says it's sarcastic and I posted a status that said, you remember when Obama said that you could get rid of Ebola by rubbing 80 grits sandpaper into your underarm and then it waited

a couple seconds and was like, psych! Classic Obama. You know, the idea was like, psych! Classic Obama. You know, the idea is like, could you imagine Obama doing anything and coming out and being sarcastic

like that? Like, openly sarcastic. You can't, right? Because he was presidential all the time. While I didn't agree with what he did sometimes,

I certainly agreed with his demeanor in office at all times. He at least all the time was presidential. Fuck, George W. Bush is a fucking model president in comparison to how-

Don't mis-underestimate him. I mean, seriously, even a dollar, like George Bush is a thousand times better. So that's wholly inappropriate to be sarcastic. And then like you say, wholly inappropriate to, to, to not come out and say, oh, by the way, there was a brand new thing that they're, they're working on where they stick a UV light in your rectum and it wrecks them. It nearly kills them. And then it takes it out and it takes the coronavirus. And that's, you know what I mean? Like at a certain point that's, and that's 100% wholly inappropriate unless you couch it with a lot of other information. And the problem is, is that he's using all that other information when he does like,

when we're talking about the chloroquine, he's talking about stuff that isn't actually proven, but he's saying things that are, that as if as an authority, as if it is proven and he's been dangerous the whole time. For, for actual realsies in a time of national crisis we are in a crisis it's a big goddamn deal it's a really big deal and at a time of national crisis the president after saying something so

spectacularly dangerous and stupid literally defended himself with i was just fucking with you yep it begs the question like why would you be fucking with me? Yeah. You should not be fucking with me. Yep. Now is not the time to be fucking with me. You know?

Like, what do you, like, was he going to, like, jump out with Ashton Kutcher and be like, ah,

ha, ha, ha, I punked you, bear, ha, ha, ha. Well, what he said, I want to, I want to read,

though, from one of these articles because he said, asked by a reporter to read though from one of these articles because he said asked by a reporter on monday about maryland and other states where governors say they have seen a spike in people using disinfectant after your last comments last week i know you said they were sarcastic and the president interjected before he could finish i can't imagine why i can't imagine why then he asked if he took responsibility he says no i don't i can't imagine i can't imagine that that doesn't answer the question i can't imagine why. Then he asked if he took responsibility. He says, no, I don't. I can't imagine. I can't imagine that.

That doesn't answer the question. I can't imagine why. What does that even mean? Right? Well, can you figure out what he's saying there? I think he's saying like, I am not, I don't understand why anybody would take me seriously either. That's like the only thing he could be saying is like.

That's his new slogan. Trump 2020. I can't imagine anyone would take me seriously either. That is Trump's new slogan. Like you're going to, yeah, you're going to change your behavior based on what I say. What am I,

your fucking leader? Oh my God. Oh Jesus. It's so true too. I mean, I can't figure out what he was getting at. What I think he's trying to say is it's your fault. Yeah.

I think he's saying like, I can't imagine why you would be asking me this question. Earlier this week, there was a part where he was quote, he's on the podium and he said something like, there was a lot of problems that we had to fix before we came in with this crisis and we fixed them and now we're doing better or something. He said something along those lines, right? And people asked him, what are you talking about? And he said, I asked him, what are you talking about? And he said, I think you know what I'm talking about. And that was the end of it.

He didn't, he wasn't answering the question. It just, he does this all the time where he'll say shit to push the blame on other people. And it's just- He wouldn't even identify what he's pushing around. Yeah, right. Because he leaves it up to the, and it's so smart. I don't mean to, like, but he leaves it up to the audience to fill in the blanks. Yeah.

And that's fucking brilliant, right? Because people like you and I are like, what do you say? Yeah. But his target audience isn't you and I, and his target audience will just fill in the blank to whatever it is, is their cause, their pet cause. Yeah. I do want to talk about one more quick story while we're being political. Pence visited the Mayo Clinic this week and he,

he's not wearing a mask. He just, everybody else, literally everyone else, he's warned ahead of time, you need to wear a mask and he wouldn't wear a mask. And his reasoning was my favorite, which was,

I wanted to look people in the eye. What the fuck? What are you doing, man? I mean, and it's so funny too, because, because Alcasio-Cortez had an amazing tweet this week, which was something like, I told everybody when they put Pence in charge of this, that there was a bad call because he doesn't believe in science. But I literally did not have, would not wear a mask at the Mayo Clinic on my bingo card. I love that he like wanted to look, did he think everybody was going to like

wear a welder's mask? Like your eyes are visible wearing a medical mask. I don't know what kind of mask he was talking about. Wouldn't that be amazing if he fucking flipped down a fucking giant welder's mask

and just walked like right into the wall? Seriously, Tom, what does he think doctors do? Do you think, does he think it's like a big game of Marco Polo in a fucking operating room?

Where they, before they, it's like fucking pin the tail on a donkey when you're getting an operation. They put a blindfold on you and spin you around three times and then put a scal on you and spin you around three times

and then put a scalpel in your hand as you walk around. No, I wanted to look him in the eye. I didn't want to be blindfolded the whole time. You're an idiot. You're our vice president, man. How is that possible? How is any of this possible? How is it possible, man?

Like, I'm not a smart guy. I'm not even close to a genius level. I'm an average intelligence. Are you a very stable genius? I'm not even close to, I'm not head of the class. I'm not the smartest guy in the room, in any room. It doesn't matter what room. I'm never the smartest.

But I'm smarter than both of those guys. I know I am. Oh my God. It's unreal. And like later I, I, I read a thing where later he's like, no, you know, I get tested all the time for coronavirus. And so to all the people around me. And I thought two things. I was like, one, sure. Rub it into all of those. Like we can't get a test america can't get a test i mean he's just like i'm fucking swimming in tests i got so many tests like it's like going up to the fucking nerd at the prom who can't get a date and be like i don't even want to fuck my date i don't even give a

shit i fuck so much my dick hurts that's like are you kidding me like i get so many tests you won't believe how many tests. Me and my other people, like, I'm coughing up blood, but I can't get it. Like, what are you fucking? So, like, and also, like, you could have gotten it yesterday. And you wouldn't know. Like, if you get a test every two weeks, that's great. Unless you got it 13 days ago or 10 days ago or five days ago. Also, like, aren't you modeling behaviors?

Right. I just, yeah, seriously. Like, aren't we supposed to, like, this guy is, like, the least lead-by-example person ever. Just fuck it. Like, him and Trump both are just like, ah, do what I do. No, don't do that.

I'm rich. You're not. All the power, None of the power. Masks nowhere. Tests everywhere. Money out my ass. Like, I don't understand how this guy is a fucking working class hero. I don't understand how either of these guys are fucking working class here. They're the least, like, connected to the real world.

Two individuals that have ever been. Somehow, Bill Gates. Right. Is more a man of the people for actually real. Right now, we are in a place, Cecil, where I am saying out loud that Bill Gates, one of the richest men in the world, worth about $112 billion, is more of a man of the people than our duly elected representatives. You're an Olympic athlete who craves a proper drink at the end of a race.

You know, like in the good old days. Then you need Glucos-Aid Port, the world's first alcoholic isotonic drink. Glucos-Aid Port rehydrates your body and then dehydrates it again at the same time. It doesn't help athletes perform better, but it makes them think they're performing better. So I thought this story was really fucking sad. This is from the AP. And that's because it maligns one of my favorite things, and that's alcohol.

It just made me feel sad in my heart. And then we'll tell a story. So false belief poison cures virus kills over 700 in Iran. That is a really awkward. That is very awkward. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not sure how it's supposed to be emphasized.

All right. Here's the bottom line, guys. So in Iran, there was a false belief that alcohol, but not just regular alcohol, methanol would kill the virus. Problem with methanol is that, and I actually don't think it's inaccurate because viruses need living host cells in order to replicate. So it's like last week when they were cured, they were saying they were cured of the virus, but they were dead.

So it did, I mean, it did cure 700 people. It just cured them of also breathing and or any kind of electric impulses in their brain, those types of things. It cured them of all those different things simultaneously is what you're saying. Yeah, well, in Chile, they call that recovered. Recovered, that's right, recovered. They call that recovered.

They're on the way to recovery, the road to recovery. We are recovered. It's recovered. So like people drink methanol. Well, the problem with methanol is that that's just fucking poison. And see, so do you remember when we did the whiskey workshop? Yeah. So we did a whiskey workshop at Koval in Chicago.

You and I went together and they showed us, they, they had us taste a bunch of corn and grain whiskeys. A lot of them were really bad. I think all of them were pretty bad. There was like one Tennessee White Lightning that I liked. But most of them were just, they were essentially just colorless, odorless,

hot. They were just a booze flavored booze? Exactly. There was nothing special about them. I mean, it feels like you would just probably maybe mix a little Kool-Aid in there and make purple drank out of fish. Yeah. I remember they were like, they were all single grain distilleries.

That's right. That's right. It's just sorghum. And you're like, well, I hate this. That tastes literally horrible. I can't even. What? They did a couple of barle too, as I recall, there was two Barley's and they were clear and we drank them and both of us were looking at each other saying, no, that's not for us. That's not for us. And then they'll be like, here's like a single grain whiskey unaged. So they're like, oh, it's white because

it's not aged. And it's like's like oh so it's raw and hot that's exactly yeah it tastes like it's like biting into a vidalia onion it's like why would i do that but the master distiller when we were at that whiskey workshop one of the things because i had i had been making beer at that point for for a while and i was thinking about maybe doing some distilling at home. Even though it's illegal, I was like, whatever, no one's going to care. It's in my garage. And I thought maybe it'd be a fun new hobby to try. So we met with the master distiller, and he's like, all right, so when you pour this off, there's the head, the heart, and the tail.

And he's like, the head is the methanol. That's poisonous. That'll kill you or make you go blind, uh, bad. And then there's the heart and that's what you want. And there's the tail. And that has fusel oils in it. And it smells kind of shitty, like a, like a wet dog. And I remember asking the guy like, well, how do you know when you're pouring it off? If you're, if you're pouring off the head, which is poison, or the heart. He's like, oh, you know, you can taste it. Do you remember this? I do remember this.

And in my brain, there was immediately this switch called, no, I don't need that hobby. Nope. Because I want to know for sure. You and I were sitting next to each other in that workshop, and I remember there was two moments.

The first one was where the guy said, yeah, a lot of stills can catch on fire pretty easily. And I remember you was two moments. The first one was where the guy said, yeah, a lot of stills can catch on fire pretty easily. And I remember you'd turn and look at me and be like, I've changed my mind about this hobby. They had a big brass still as brass or something, or some kind of copper maybe. But I remember that as beautiful still,

and it was like an old timey still. And they didn't, I don't think they let us taste the methanol, but they did let us taste the, if we wanted to, we could taste the tail of the spirits. And as I recall, the reason why it's set up like this is

the very beginning stuff that you get at the beginning of the distillation process is the head. And that's the bad stuff because that's the stuff that I guess evaporates way early. And so that's the stuff that you don't want. And so it gets pushed out of the container and then they collect the heart. And then at a certain point, all the stuff that evaporates at the latest end of the process is the stuff that's oily. It has an oily residue and it doesn't taste good. And that's the tale of the spirits.

And you tried it and I did not. I tried, they did let me try the methanol, but just the littlest bit. Oh, okay, all right. Okay, I didn't know that. What did it, did it taste just like alcohol, like the rest of it? I couldn't tell the difference, which was the problem.

And like the article mentions the same thing is that the methanol, it's not, it does not have its own flavor. So the fusel oil, like the tail, it tasted like licking a wet dog's asshole if that dog was covered in whiskey. It was the worst. I don't know that I turned that dog down. It's the worst smelling. Because I remember they passed it around. And when they passed it around, it smelled like, and I live in a condo downtown, it smelled like after a rain when somebody took their dog out and they haven't like bathed it in a long time. That's what it tastes.

It smelled like that. And I said, nope, hard no, not going to put that in my mouth. And then I remember you saying, well, I'll give it a shot. Yeah. I was like, I'll put anything in my mouth. Wait a minute. You had that flavor in your mouth for three days. You know what? It was only a little less than when you eat a gyro. And you're like, you're burping it up for three days

afterwards. Oh, that's still in there. Let me tell you, gyro burps are, they can clear out a room. They are so bad, so bad smelling. If you burp in a car, you better roll the window down. Yeah. I just buy a new car. I just, if I burp in a car, I just crash it into a retaining wall and just buy a new car. That car is ruined. That car is garbage now. It's in the fabric like you're a smoker. Oh, I know, right? I know. It's like, it's like the fabric like you're a smoker I know right I know it's like it's like when you go

to sell a car and like you smoked in the car and they like they're like it's worth 20% of its blue book value yeah yeah

like if you burp one euro burp in a car you basically it's just like I should have had hail damage I should have

flood damage like I had euro burp damage it's the most it's the most appreciation you can have. It is the most you can get. You know what you should do when you have that,

if you do eat a gyro and you're walking in the wind and you're wearing a suit and you burp, you should just throw the suit out after you're done because it's going to, it's going to,

it's going to just basically just embed itself. It'll embed itself in the fibers of the suit. Oh God. No dry cleaner could get that out. You basically just have to immolate. Like, at that point, you just cover yourself in gasoline

and call it a night. What I love, too, about this article, this is so funny, in this article, they had said that they took, they wind up taking this methanol, and like you said, it doesn't have a flavor. So what do they do? They add bleach to it.

Yeah, I know. Because like, because they had to hide the fact that it's methanol. So I think it was for the color, right? Isn't that they wanted to get the color right? Let me, I think that's what they did. Yeah, they added bleach. They added bleach so it could get rid of the color or something like that. Yeah. So you're drinking, you're like, oh, methanol,

that's poison. Well, what if we added some bleach? We'll disinfect it. That's what we'll do, Cecil. We'll disinfect it. This is toxic, but is there any way you could add a toxic to my toxic? I really like that. You know what? Here's what we're going to do. We're going to put it in a capsule

and shoot it at your heart. You know what? Here's what we're going to do. We're going to put it in a capsule and shoot it at your heart. You know what's funny too? The reason why they're doing this is the reason why they're bad at it is because they can't have alcohol there, right? And now they're ramping up. They're ramping things up there to create alcohol

because alcohol kills the coronavirus. And you gotta look back at your, I don't know, several thousand year old traditions and think, you know, maybe Allah really did like the coronavirus better than he liked us.

Bubonic believed missing from Texas Tech University. It's really very understandable. It's really very understandable. It's probably like, you know how if you get reading glasses and then you're reading and then you lift them up and then an hour later you're like, honey, where are my reading glasses?

And she's like, they're on your head, doofus. It's like that, except instead of reading glasses, it's bubonic plague! Why can't they get back? So this story comes from, I don't know, rte.ie.news or some shit.

Norfolk police seek person dressing as plague doctor. They have an artist rendering here. They're sitting there, they're asking the guy, the guy's, this police sketch artist is drawing him. He turns it around, they're sitting there they're asking the guy

the guy's this police sketch artist is drawing him he turns it around they're like no make the nose a little longer he turns it again

no make the nose a little longer a little longer a little longer like Gonzo but like pointy Gonzo like pointy

evil Gonzo like if Gonzo was more of a fucking nightmare than he already is this is my favorite shit this is so great so like i'm just gonna read this because it's a short article british police say they are keen to speak to a person who has been dressing as a 17th century plague doctor for walks during the coronavirus lockdown. The unidentified individual has been spotted in the Norwich suburb of Hellesden

wearing a long black cloak, hat, and pointed beak-like mask in recent weeks. People posting on a community Facebook page said the outfit could frighten children with Norfolk police saying they wanted to give, quote, words of advice to this person. That is British speak for we're going to beat the shit out of this guy. They wanted to fucking, they wanted to treat him like a hostile witness.

That's for sure. Oh, this is so good. So Jade Gosbell, 21, took a photograph of the person walking across a recreation ground in Hellesden. Quote, it was like 20 degrees. He was wearing a full black suit. It just looked ridiculous, she said. It's clearly for attention or something, she said, because normal people just wouldn't do that. I was sitting there and I was getting angry myself.

And I love this. As my mom has a phobia of masks. You know what sucks to have in 2020? A phobia of masks. Let me tell you, this is not your year. Now, it's not anybody else's year either, but it's definitely not your year. Phobia of masks right now. Guess what?

You are getting fucking systematically desensitized to that shit. Every moment of your day is PTSD. It's just the worst of phobia of masks. I think this guy is great, though. This is so funny to see somebody just walking around. I think it's funny. I think it's hilarious. I do, too.

People are being uptight about it. What's the harm? You know what I mean? He's covered up. I don't get it. Yeah. Oh, my kids are scared. Oh, during a pandemic? Everyone's scared all the time.

Everyone is afraid. Your kid's not Halloween. At least it's lighthearted. It's a lighthearted way to deal with this kind of thing that we're in. I don't know. It's just silliness. Yeah, I don't get why someone would freak out about it. I think it's hilarious.

Yeah, it's just silliness. And like, I feel like if your kid was scared, he'd be like, oh, he's just playing dress up. Okay. Yeah. Like, well, maybe explain one thing ever. Like, are you kidding me? Also, like, what world are you living in where it's like, well, I don't want my kids to be scared. The world is scary.

Yeah. Dogs bark unexpectedly. Shit happens. Sometimes things are scary. Like, Dogs bark unexpectedly. Shit happens. Sometimes things are scary. Like if I was like, oh, I don't want my kids. Some of your kids are going to be scared. Be okay with that. Then you'd be like, well, stop being scared, baby. You know?

Like a good parent. Well then. The pets are on fire. The underwear's on fire. I are on fire. My underwear's on fire. I'm on fire. Oh, yeah. I just love this story, Cecil. I just love this fucking story.

The story comes from Wbay.com. North Fondulac man accused of using stolen underwear to set fires. Huh. That seems really, like, very specific. gondolack man accused of using stolen underwear to set fires. Huh? That seems really like very specific. It's like strangely specific. My favorite part of the story is the pluralization of fires. This guy is, he's setting a lot of underpants fires. Like there's just like, it's not like he did this one time and was like, damn, my pants is on fire.

Like, it's not like he was lying a lot and they got all hot and he had to take them off because he was like, liar, liar. This is a guy. This is a guy though. If you look at this image,

this is a guy who could never make anyone's pants go on fire without some kind of accelerant. I mean, I mean, look at this guy. This is a guy who looks like he should just be arrested all the time. When you see this guy, are you like, oh, we should let him hang out with the kids. I'll give you some unsupervised time with my wife. You look like

that. You look like a guy who steals underpants and uses them to set fires. Absolutely. If there was ever a person who looks like they like child porn and are an underwear arsonist, then this would be that guy. This would be that guy. I have to admire the peanut butter and chocolate combination of being like, well, I like to steal underwear and I love to set fires. What could make them better? You know, like setting fire. Also, like, doesn't it like, like at the underwear,

like a weird trophy for freak show people like that. Like you're setting fire to your own, like weirdo trophies. Your weirdo trophies. I want to read part of this, Tom. So they find child porn on his phone. Here's what happens. Officers examined Miller's phone

and found thousands of images of pornography. Some of those images were identified as child pornography. The sheriff adds, my understanding is he didn't take any of them or admit to taking any of them. But in either case, some child somewhere in the world

has been victimized by this. And it's another reason we're happy to have this person off the streets. The next sentence, they also found an image of a large fire. And I just think, and I think- Wait, how old was the fire? Well, I think what happened is like, here's what happened. The fire is all of his good decisions. That was what the fire was and he took a photo of that. Jones, barbecue and foot. Besides, better come down

here, get some of this shit. You like to eat? America loves to eat. So why not open up somewhere America can sit down, enjoy a meal, and get their feet rubbed. We'll fry anything you want for $5.99. As long as it's fryable or edible, we're going to make it delicious-able. This story is pretty great.

This is from KSBY. Owner of Fatty's Pizza in Atascadarabaro? What the fuck place is this? Do that again. Do that again. Do it again. Atascadarab. Atascadarab. Where is that? What is that? I think it's Pinky Atascadero. Atascadero. Where is that?

What is that? I think it's Pinky Atascadero. I think that's what it is. Owner of Fatty's Pizza in Atascadero. Atascadero. Okay. Owner of Fatty's Pizza in Atascadero robs Fat's Pizza in Paso Robles at gunpoint. Where the fuck is this happening?

What the fuck in the world? What in the actual fucking world is going on right now? It's in California. It's in California. Okay. I just, I was like, where the fuck is that? I didn't even know. I mean, Paso Robles sounds like it's either good.

It's going to be a Southwestern state for sure. But a Tuscadero, I have no fucking idea. I have no idea. So a coupleca darrow i have no fucking idea i have no idea so a couple of things about this story are fucking amazing the first is like this guy owns a pizza joint and then he he does own a pizza he robbed the same brand pizza joint owned by a different franchise owner so like all that they said at the end of the article, like all the fatties pizzas are owned by different people. Like it's a franchise.

So that means that he was like thinking like, I need some money. Things are going wrong. I got some shit to do. I got to rob somewhere. You know, I'm going to keep it in the family though. I'm just going to keep this like arms around the whole thing, kind of keep the whole thing in the family. I know how these places run. I'm going to rob essentially myself. I love the idea too,

this guy. He's like, okay, so I know where they have money. And I also think I know the layout of this place. Yeah, right? Wouldn't it be great if all the safes at Fatty's Pizza were the same combination? There'd come default. He's like, well, I know I set mine to zero,

zero, zero. Maybe he knew that there would be fat cash. Oh, okay. That's enough of that good boy hey what the hell's with your dog what

he was growling at me before like he was going to attack me I was scared to death then I went to Heil Hitler and he suddenly walked over and just lay down what why would you do that? Why would it work? So this comes from the August website of itsgoneviral.com. We're stopping right there.

Before you even continue, we're stopping right there to reflect on the fact that we have reached. This is the lowest rung on the ladder. You realize that reporting something from itsgoneviral.com or igvofficial.com is the lowest. Well, I also found this on clickbait.net. Okay. Okay, continue on. All right, all right. Puma's latest trainers go viral

as they look like Adolf Hitler. They kind of do look like Adolf Hitler. Here's the thing, guys. They look totally like Adolf Hitler. I don't know if this story's true. These shoes look just like Adolf Hitler. I don't know if this story's true, but if it's not true and they Photoshop these shoes,

they Photoshopped them to look like Adolf Hitler. I kind of want to buy these fucking Hitler shoes. They're hilarious. Okay, Tom. I thought I knew you. I don't want to like wear them. I just want to have them because they're fucking funny. Is this intentional?

I don't think so. I don't think so either. I just think it's like an unfortunate design choice. Sure. I think what, you know, first off, I don't know if it's true. Somebody's going to throw that out there. I don't know if this is true. It's gone viral.

Like you say, it's not the New York Times. And when I clicked on it, the only other place that I knew, actually knew that had it was The Sun. And I think that that's like a tabloid in Europe. Yeah, I think the sun is like only marginally less viable than it's gone viral. So again, I want to preface it with that. But I want to say that when you look at these shoes, it definitely looks like a character. It looks like, you know, when you're driving on the road and somebody's back of their car, the bumper and the lights could form a configuration that looks

like a frowny face or whatever. You see it all the time. We're pattern seekers. We see it all over the place. We see those types of things all over. And so it's, it's, it's one of those moments where you look at it and you go, you, if I'll be honest though. I don't know that I would see it if I didn't have the Hitler picture next to it. I don't think I would see it without the Hitler picture next to it. But I'll say this, with the Hitler picture next to it, those are straight up Hitler shoes. These will actually goose step for you. That's how Hitlerian these shoes are. You don't even have to do the work. They'll straight up goose step on their own. That's how Hitlerian these shoes are. You don't even have to do the work. They'll straight up goose step on their own.

Oh, that's great. Oh, man. You could just go do like your seven-man march to save a statue. Those are Hitler shoes. You stay comfortable. Those are Hitler shoes. You stay comfortable the whole time

with your 25-person march with your tiki torch. They're very, very comfortable. You know, I wonder, I wonder, okay, so if you're Adidas, you cancel the production and you turn them into redheads. I don't know what you do. I don't know what you do with the front of these shoes,

but you change the production of these so that you don't make these anymore. But I wonder if the weird white nationalists in the country are going to be snatching these shoes up. And people will make money off of them on eBay. I bet people will make money off these on eBay because people will just want to buy them because they're funny, if nothing else.

It's just such an amusing faux pas. You know what I mean? When I said I want them, I don't want them because I want to have Hitler shoes. I want them because I think it's hilarious that somebody unintentionally made Hitler shoes.

It's so funny to fuck up and be like, because there has to be that, like, I burned down Notre Dame moment, you know? Right, yeah. And you're just like,

oh, man. My shoes look like Hitler. It's that moment when you realize your personal massager is actually for the clit, and you're like, God damn it. I made it because I thought I was going to put somebody who's going to put it on their back. It has a long handle on it. I didn't make it for that. Is Bigfoot out there?

This expert team of true believers uncovers evidence of this elusive legend. Was that you? I do think there's a Squatch in these woods. I love this story so much. This story's so crazy. What is happening

on this story? New York Post. Oh, we're straight reading this story because this is goddamn perfect. This is not a made, I mean, it's New York Post. It's not like a real good website here, right? But Jose Canseco is worried that Bigfoot and aliens may have coronavirus. Okay. Jose Canseco is at it again. Okay. Quote, can Bigfoot or aliens get coronavirus? I need to know because I've had contact

with them. Do you know who Jose Canseco is? Former MLB slugger. He slugged at the Major League Baseballing. I remember him from an episode

of The Simpsons. What team did Jose Canseco play for? The Orlando Sluggers? I don't know. I have literally no idea. California team. A's? Is that a team in California? Oakland Athletics. Yeah, he played for

Oakland Athletics. You were right. Yeah. I didn't know that was athletics. I thought that was the Angels. I did not have any idea that was the Athletics. Yeah, he played for the Oakland Athletics. You were right, yeah. Yeah. I didn't know that was athletics. I thought that was the Angels. I did not have any idea that was the Athletics. Yeah, the A's are the Athletics. So that's, but there is an Angels team, the Los Angeles Angels or whatever. Okay.

Hey, I was right. I was right as by accident as you have ever been right in your life. Like, I was right the way that you're fucking right when you just fill in the blanks on a Scantron, like with your eyes closed. That I didn't even know for sure that the A's were at the team. You took the Scantron and you made a baseball bat with it.

And you won. You somehow won. I have never. All right. So after posing the question about whether Bigfoot or aliens can get coronavirus, it says, when he isn't stirring the pot with Alex Rodriguez, the 55-year-old Canseco is often ranting about the mythological Bigfoot, aliens, and time travel.

What? He even once offered five people the chance to go on a Bigfoot and alien excursion alongside him, though it's unclear if that ever took place. I fucking would take him up on that offer if a fucking crazy rich guy was like, you want to go meet Bigfoot? I'd be like, oh my God, we are going. I would in a second go Bigfoot hunting. In a second.

There's no downside. One, all the bait is beef jerky. So the food's decent. Bigfoot hunting in a second. There's no downside. One, all the bait is beef jerky. So the food's decent. You run into a vegan Bigfoot that's like, fuck you. I ain't eating that shit. The fuck out of here. So here's a tweet from Conseco

in January to finish the article. Quote, aliens have been trying to teach us how to time travel, but first we have to change our body composition, which we are not willing to do. We have tried with animals and it has failed. Says the guy who did so many steroids, he was fucking crushing them up and fucking snorting them off

his fucking physical trainer's swole glute. Fuck you. Fuck you. You've tried to change your body composition and you succeeded, dude. Check out your balls right now. Check them out. Just look at your own balls. Just look at your balls, dude.

And you can see things have changed. Is he the guy that, like, his home run record is, like, not real? No, that's Mark McGuire. But Canseco was one of those, he was one of those guys

that was, there was a whole slew of those guys during a period of time that were all juicing. I mean, I don't care those guys that was, there was a whole slew of those guys during a period of time that were all juicing. I mean, I don't care, right? I don't give a shit. I think they should juice.

I think they should be required to juice. I think they should put it in a blender and put it in a smoothie and make these guys juice. I think they should have to inject it in their eye

in front of everyone. That's what I think. I don't give a shit. They should get rid of the coin toss and just like fucking have a syringe toss. I don't give a shit. They should get rid of the coin toss and just like fucking have a syringe toss. I don't give a shit.

Like your job is to ruin your body for my entertainment. Just ruin it. Ruin it. Ruin it. I don't care if they graft fucking metal parts into their system. I don't care if they put extra arms on a person.

Like I don't give a shit. Whatever. I don't care. As long as somebody hits somebody and they explode in a bucket of body parts, I want to see that on television. That's what I want to see. I would watch a team of fucking Dr. Octopuses play rugby all day

long. I would never stop watching that. And I don't know what rugby is. But I would watch that forever. Forever, Cecil. Huh? They're back. What? is but i would watch that forever forever cecil these are his angle fans and this is his other angle fan and he kind of looks like a different mud fish but he's actually a bass because you can tell because his tail is actually forked a little bit and He looks like a mud fish because he kind of like

Looks all muddy by his tail Mud fish has like circle This story comes from Cax.com. This is a real site. This is a real site, though. This is like a fucking news site. Yeah, like a News 3 CBS. It's Eyewitness.

Eyewitness News because it's got the eyeball. Yeah, like a News 3, CBS. It's Eyewitness. Eyewitness News because it's got the eyeball. Yeah. And so this comes from WCAX, I have sore on three. Man busted for taking his fish on a walk during pandemic. So in northern Spain, they're on fucking... So the degree of lockdown is different in different places, right? Here, we can just go for a walk. Like I can just go for a walk anytime I want to go for a walk.

The neighborhood is filled with people avoiding each other on a walk. Sure, that's how it is here. That's it. Down here, when we go for a run, we try to stay to the big sidewalks because we are constantly... I might run in the street sometimes and I've done that a couple of times where I'll just, I'll see people on the sidewalk

and just go in the street and just run around them. I've done that many times. So, yeah. But I guess in Northern Spain. Well, hold on, in Michigan, in Michigan, it's a little different. You can go for a walk, but you've got to carry your long gun with you

if you do it. Well, that's been in place for years, Cecil. That's standard. Yeah, no, you're right. I mean, I guess I wasn't thinking, Tom. You're absolutely right. You're required to have a long gun in Michigan. Except for in the big city of Grand Rapids. Yeah, big city of Grand Rapids. Can't have it there. So I guess in Northern Spain, you can go for a walk if you're walking your pet, but you can't just go for a walk because you want to go for a walk. So this guy's like,

all right, I'll walk my pet. And he grabs his fucking fish bowl. And he just sets up for a walk with his fish bowl. It is like, as I picture it, this is the most like classic Dr. Seussian thing. Like I see like the fish like peering over the edge of the bowl, like narrating it and rhyme as he goes for a walk.

He's walking by. He's like, I will not eat that Serrano ham. That's Serrano ham. Sam I am. Yeah, I love the idea of this uh this guy walking around with this fish and then he gets confronted with he's like what what what yeah use your fucking words be specific pets for a walk pet walk fuck you somebody's just got like a rock on a leash.

He's just dragging it behind them. That would be amazing. Or like a bird on a leash. It's just flying overhead like a kite. Just like. Oh, this is so great. Oh man.

You know, the coronavirus and all of 2020 suck, but once in a while, there's a story that just makes you laugh, and you're like, good for you, dude. God. I do love the fucking delightful weirdness. Some of the little points of just fucking wackiness that are like, people are just like, I got to do something.

I saw a video, and it wasn't a whole story, so I didn't include it, but since I saw a video of, in Italy, rooftop to rooftop tennis. Oh, that's amazing. There's like a woman playing tennis with another woman and they are in different buildings

hitting it across the space, like across the space between buildings playing tennis with each other. I love it. And I'm just like, that's, that is so great. I fucking each other. I love it. And I'm just like, that's that is so great.

I fucking loved it. It was amazing. I mean, it's bad social distancing because some of you probably touched the ball and then if you have to touch the ball again to throw it, whatever, whatever. But anyway, I get that. I understand what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. Unless you just racket it and then you throw your racket in the garbage when you're done. You light it on fire. You just light your whole

building on fire and leave. That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters. Tis no man. Tis a remorseless eating machine. Six bells. Time for closing. Can't talk. Eating.

Fairly warned, BD, says I. But the sign said all you can eat. This story is fucking amazing too. This is from MSN. Connecticut man allegedly breaks into closed restaurant and spends four days eating and drinking at supplies. You know, a lot of us are suffering through this time. This guy's living his best life right now. He's living his best life, man. He's just like, fuck it. I'm going to be in here. Sure, I'll eat more of these fucking filet mignons.

He's writing himself a tip. He's like, I did a real good job on that. Here's a tip. May I have another drink? The amount of fucking food and liquor this guy went through in this time is amazing too. He really fucking, this

guy wanted it and he fucking owned it. This guy, so and they catch this guy asleep with a bottle of rum. So like that's how they catch him. Like the police, like somebody, like the manager's doing like a walk by to check on his restaurant and be like, I used to work.

I remember when life was a thing. And he sees this fucking guy in there. So they report a break and the police come in and the guy's fucking passed out asleep with a bottle of rum, like a fucking pirate. Like a goddamn pirate, Cecil. I love it so much. He's so fucked up

that he gets woken up by the cops. Can you imagine what's happening in your head at that point when you just feel, you've been alone. Oh, that was inevitable. You've been alone doing what? You're alone for four straight days.

You're fucking the beef. I mean, at that point, you can do whatever you want. You have fucking liquor bottles up your ass you're just having you're just having a best time and then you're just sitting there you get so fucked up on rum that you're just sitting there and they come in and they shake you hey buddy hey buddy how you doing yeah wakey wake Oh, man. 70 bottles of booze in four days. Well, I think the way it's worded is that he took some too,

but you know he went through some too, you know, because clearly. You know what? Like this pandemic and like not being able to go out and not being able to eat at a restaurant, it's tough on everybody, but I don't think this is the solution. Though I applaud the social distancing. One person per restaurant. Just one.

It's a one-top. It's a one-top from now on. He broke down what Google's about. It's just a sound. He's like, it's just a sound, right? It's just a sound, right? Google, right? Except we're better

because Google is Google. Google. I mean, right? Bing. I can go with bing, right? Is that fun? Is that fun? Bing. Say it. Say bing. right Google right except we're better because Google's Google say say Bing like Charlie John say it Charlie say it fired you're fired you're fired i'm like yeah bing bing up your ass you're fired i don't care too late now this story comes from ours technica and this is like this is proof of how shitty fucking bing is which like really we need more proof of how shitty Bing is? Bing disables trending feature after wildly inappropriate results. So I'm just going to go and read this article.

Microsoft has shut down a feature in the Bing search engine that shows popular articles from major websites after Ars Technica reported that the feature was showing wildly inappropriate results from the stock photo site Shutterstock. How inappropriate? Here's some examples. So here are the examples, Cecil. These are just something else.

So this is what it says. Mature mom and young son. Stock video footage. Little girl peeing. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah. Isn't that the relationship with everybody's mom though? Yeah, I know, right?

Like your mom is always old, right? Your mom is going to be mature. No matter what, your mom is going to be mature. Yeah. You know, the thing is like- I mean, she is a milf, right? I'll tell you what, like there are some words which are just different now, you know, mature.

Like very different. Very different. It's just different now. Like when I, when I like drive around and like you see a salon and it's like, you know, $49 facial. And I'm just like, maybe. Hmm. Yep.

All right. You know, I remember when I was in college and, uh, and someone had said that they brought their computer home and, uh, their mom was looking up where to get a facial. So they're looking up where to get a facial and they were horrified to find out.

Oh, that could be something else. It's so weird. I Googled where to get a facial. And they were horrified to find out. That could be something else. It's so weird. I Googled where to get a facial. It looks like I can earn money getting one. That's crazy. I can meet singles in my area. Why?

Would I want to do that? Would they want to go get a facial with me? We could go have a spa day together yeah like there's just some shit that's just like you know what like I know that this this is not how this word originated but it's just you know you gotta recognize you lost control of that one there's a couple of other ones here

the other one is it's birds but it's big tits stock footage because the birds are called tits stock footage. Because the birds are called tits. That's so amazing. Oh, that's my inner seventh grader is just so excited by that. I'm so excited by that. The other one that's great is boys erections stock video.

And it's two guys putting up a tent, but not in their pants? Oh, man. So good. I don't know how this happened. I don't know if somebody just like labeled these pictures in Shutterstock. I hope so.

I hope so. Because whoever did that, like that is like one of those things you do on your dream last day at the job. Right? You know?

As you're throwing the mats behind you to burn the building to the ground. Right. You're just like, I relabeled everything. I relabeled them all accurately and horrifyingly. Oh, man. That's so good. Hey, everybody. This next clip comes from our live stream on April the, uh, April the 30th, uh, April 30th. Uh, if you haven't

checked out our live streams, it's every Thursday, uh, 9 PM central. So make sure you check it out. We'll see you there next week and may the fourth be with you and also with you. Give us your daily Brit. I don't know. So this week, Tom, because I'm working from home all the time, I, I called Comcast and I had to, because I hate Comcast so much, but I can't get anything else in this building. And so I called Comcast to up my plan.

And so they, they sent out a guy and the guy, they had to change my equipment. Right. So I have my plan because I needed faster up internet speed and I I call them and they say

sure we're going to send out a guy he's going to bring you a modem and two new boxes cool I love fresh box so he's I can't I wouldn't even know what to do with all that what am I going to do with all that one of you has to entertain the other.

Are you kidding me? Really? I'm not a young man anymore. Come on. Anyway, so they call me on Sunday and they say, I'm outside. It's a no contact delivery. What do you want me to do?

Because they're not going to come in and fix anything. And they're just going to hand off products to me. I said, I'll be right down. I come downstairs. And he said, okay, cool. I'm going to get all the stuff out of the back. And I said, well, what do I do with the stuff I have? What do I do with it?

You know? And he said, oh, you have stuff? And I said, yeah. I'm a Comcast member for four years or something. Right. Oh, what happened? Why are you getting new stuff? I'm a Comcast member for four years or something right oh you what happened why are you getting new stuff

and I said I don't fucking know you told me to like I don't know anything about this transaction I love that company

I love that company I know nothing about this transaction this transaction is literally all you like I don't I don't know anything about it I don't have access

to your spreadsheets, your fucking databases. So anyway, this fucking guy is like trying to tell me, well, why would they do that? Fucking, I don't know. You work for him, asshole. What the fuck do you want from me? And so I say, I don't know.

What do you want me to do? And he said, oh yeah, why don't I just leave you with that equipment and I'll just update it on the thing. And I said, fucking great. I don't have to walk over to the UPS store. I don't have to deliver anything. Sounds great.

So long. And so the cat's even mad about it. You can hear the cat. I don't know if you guys can hear the cat. The cat's even mad about it. So Piper, are you mad about it? He's mad about it. Anyway, so he leaves.

I fix my shit that day. Within an hour, my internet upload speed or download speed is fast as fuck. It's already fast. Boom. They give me the channels. Boom. Channels are on my box. Awesome.

But the upload speed, I go to chest that, it's fucking less than half the upload speed I used to have. What the fucking what? And so I look up the terms of the agreement. I was like, well, no i i paid for the fucking ultra special double blow job edition there's no way it's five mbps there's no way that's five there's no way it's possible that's a pigeon i could find messages to pigeons i could fucking i could train my cat to run in a little circle on a fucking like one of those hamster wheels. And it'll be faster than five Mbps. And so I say, OK, fine.

What the fuck is going on? So I call him on the phone. I say, hey, it's half. And the guy says, oh, yeah, OK, well, it's half. Let me check it out. Did you just upgrade your service? Yeah, I just upgraded my service. Did you get a new box?

No, I didn't get a new. I didn't get a new modem. The guy said I didn't need one. Oh, I feel embarrassed. You do need a new modem. Oh, my God. Fuck. Why do you send out people who literally can't find their ass with two hands? What is wrong with your company? Nobody talks to anybody in that company. It's like a dysfunctional marriage. It's the worst company in the world.

So I want to thank our patrons, our wonderful, beautiful, lovely, perfect patrons. Our patrons that give us a tiny bit of sanity in this insane world. We want to thank you so much. We're going to start with our newest patrons, Stephanie, Uncle Goats, Jimmy, Katie, Perry, Chuck, can't recall the last time he wore pants for Zoom meetings, John, Stamosification, Skullbeard, Stephanie, Byron Steven, Nico, Kitty Catorce, Nasser, Master Debater, Suzanne, William, and a guy who literally chose a blank username. Thank you so much for your generous donations. A guy or a gal, don't know. Thank you so much for your generous donations.

I just wanted to let everybody know that my boss this week tendered his resignation at my job. That's not like from a leadership perspective. That is not an endorsement. It's not a good sign. It's really not a good sign. So we want to thank everybody who's like,

hey, Cecil and Tom could be unemployed soon. And we got you, bro. So we want to thank everybody who's doing that. I mean, really, truly, it's one of the things that allows me to lay my hat on the pillow at night and be able to go to sleep

because at this very uncertain times that we're in, to have a bunch of patrons who are willing to support the work that we do, the hard work. And I'm genuinely serious here. No joking aside, this show is a tremendous amount of work we put into it every week. And we want to thank everybody for listening. We want to thank everybody for being patrons. And if you're not a patron, we please, we would love it if you would come on board. You get a bunch of extra content,

audio from our live stream every week. Tom's doing the blog that he has for his boys. He's reading those aloud as shorts every week. We are just doing a ton of extra content and it's all yours for being a patron. And we really, really, really do appreciate all the people who've stepped up and become patrons. Yeah. It's really, you guys, for the guys who've already become patrons, thank you. It really is the difference between like being gut-wrenchingly terrified every evening and knowing that like, man, I think we're going to be all right, you know, and it matters to us. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts. And if you're not a patron, you should be. Thank you for doing it in advance.

You should do that. So we got a message from Aaron, a couple of images. We're going to post them on this week's show notes. They're both about COVID. They're both really funny. One of them is a reference to Trump sticking light somewhere. So where light normally doesn't shine, it turns out. So I was going to say that's where the sun don't shine, but it doesn't prevent incandescent bulbs, I guess. Check it out on this week's show notes. This week is 522. So, Tom, we got a message. This is from Brian,

and Brian wanted to ask us a question to ask our fan base to see if anybody out there can use this. So, Tom, can you please read Brian's message? Absolutely. He says, The reason I decided to reach out was to see if I could leverage your connections

to charitable organizations. I am a research scientist at a major polyurethane foam company, and my group has been designing face masks to help with the shortage due to COVID-19. Our CEO gave us the green light to start donating these masks, and I'm looking for any group that might be in need. Please let me know if you have anyone I could contact or any ideas to reach out to the larger community. So our charitable contacts are not at the medical level. So that's why we just thought

we would read this out loud. If that sounds like something you need or you know how to get that to the right place, shoot us a message and we'll forward it along to Brian. We'll handshake you guys if somebody out there

wants to handshake with Brian, we will handshake you via email. Just send us an email, dissonance.podcast.gmail.com. Tom, you want to read this? This is from Annie. Annie wanted us to know a couple of things.

I just want to read the title and then I'll let Tom read the rest of the message. Meat and dildos. Go ahead, Tom. I'm going to say this one caught my attention. Absolutely. I used to work as a wildlife biologist slash falconer. What? Okay. What now? All right. Okay. Slash falconer, training birds of prey to work at sites like airports and landfills to chase off nuisance species of birds. What the fuck? What?

Yeah. What fucking kind of? That's why you got to read this. Are you kidding me? This was your job? You trained birds to fight other birds? That's like, that's joust. We call that joust.

I love it so much. At one landfill, there were so many gulls that it made it impossible for the staff operating the packers, picture a giant Flintstone car with spikes on the drums that drive back and forth packing down garbage, to see out the windows. Obviously, this is a major safety hazard. I'm just imagining driving a spike-laden Flintstone car. You're like, yeah, I do kind of want to see where that's going.

and Flintstone car. You're like, yeah, I do kind of want to see where that's going. It turns out. We flew eagles and hawks to scare the gulls away from the landfill. Grocery stores

throw away expired meat. And if one of our birds caught sight of an old pot roast or chicken breast, they would dive down into the garbage and start going to town. Jesus, what are they,

Joe Exotic? What's happening here? We would have to radio the packers and tell them to stop the machinery so we could wade through steaming trash mountain to get the bird who would usually gorge himself or herself by this point. But sometimes they would mistake non-food items as meat. One day I was flying a hawk and I saw him make a dive into the trash and fly off with something in his talons. It's usually extra frustrating if they can carry off their treat

because they act like naughty kids and keep flying off with the reward when you try to get them back. Get back over here right now. You better get over here. You know what I'm never going to reprimand? A fucking bird of prey. Right? What the fuck? That thing can have what it catches.

This hawk landed on the roof of a vehicle and when I got close I realized he had snagged himself a giant pink rubber dildo. He didn't have time to inspect his find, but I knew I wanted to take it away from him and thus began a 30 minute

chase around the dump with a hawk flying around with a rubber dildo. God, what a dick. The landfill staff thought it was hilarious. I finally got the hawk back on the glove and had to pull this fucking used dumpster dildo out of his talons. A dumpster dildo out of his talons. A dumpster dildo? With my bare hands because I didn't have time to get rubber gloves.

Oh. This is my favorite. I considered soaking that hand in pure bleach or just chopping it off. Andy, that story made our day. Thank you so much for sending it. So good.

So good. So good. So a bunch of people, one person had sent us a bunch of messages, a couple of messages via email. I think that caught in our, got caught in our spam filter. Marsha had sent it along. We also, I think,

hearted someone's tweet on Twitter and this might've been you. It is a person by the name of Vin who's letting us know that, that if you go onto Twitch, if we get on Twitch and we get partnership, we can get Amazon prime people to become subscribers. The problem with Twitch partnership we found out last week after we had sort of pushed everybody over to Twitch was that we have to stream so much to get so much, so much.

And so much, we, we stream four hours a month. I mean, we don't, we don't stream a lot. So four hours a month. Now, if Tom and I were streamed the show every week, then that might change. And we stream four hours a month. I mean, we don't stream a lot. So four hours a month. Now, if Tom and I would stream the show every week, then that might change because then you're looking at maybe, you know, nine out and I don't know, 12 hours a month,

which is different than what it was. But there was like, there was only like 20 hours a month you got to stream. That's a lot of goddamn streaming. I think it was like 12 days, 25 hours. It was an intense amount of streaming. We just couldn't do it. So we're probably not going to be able to do that.

No. Got a message from Riley. Riley wanted us to know they're from Boise. Boise, Idaho. They're a Boise, Idahoan. They listened to the show for a long time. They want to thank us for the show. And they gave us, they became patrons, Tom.

So I want to ask you, Tom, have you ever heard of any Rhode Island patrons? Do we have any Rhode Island patrons out there, you think? So what even is a Rhode Island patrons. Do we have any Rhode Island patrons out there, you think? So, what even is a Rhode Islander? It's an Islander. No, we have no Rhode Island. I don't think so. You know why?

Because it's like, it's a fucking postage stamp of a goddamn state. The millennials avoid it. There's nobody. There's no millennials in Rhode Island. How many people are even there? Come on. There can't be fucking 100 people that live in Rhode Island. I will say this about Rhode Island.

When I was a younger man and I realized how small Rhode Island was, I had this stupid dream that if I ever got billionaire rich, I wanted to buy it. All of it. I was like, can you just buy the whole thing? I don't know that you could buy it. I don't think Bill Gates could buy it all. Wouldn't it be fucking, I was like, can you just buy the whole thing? I don't know that you could buy all. I don't think Bill Gates

could buy it all. Wouldn't it be fucking baller if you could though? It'd be great if you could. If you could just say, you know what, this is all mine. This entire state is all mine.

I bought Rhode Island. I just bought all the available real estate. I bet you could probably find a single state out there though somewhere in the West where you could buy

an entire Rhode Island sized parcel. Yeah, but I want it to be the whole state. You know what I mean? Because I want my vote to be the only vote that matters. You got to secede after it's over. Yeah. I want to elect myself as congressman. So we got a message from Suzanne and this is a patron message. And she says, Hey guys, uh, I have been using my CN mug every day at work.

And, uh, when I went on leave, it disappeared and no one fessed up to it. Anyway, if you have another, I'd love to have it. So,

uh, so you're asking for another free mug, Suzanne, Suzanne, Suzanne, here's what I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you two things. One,

you could buy a mug at dissonance pod.com. You can go to dissonancepod.com. You can buy one of those mugs that you got for free. And secondly, you could buy one of those mugs that you got for free that you didn't take care of. Take care of your stuff better, Suzanne. What's wrong with you? I buy all this stuff for you and you break it and you break it and you leave it out and you never take care of it. I'm going to give it away. I will all this stuff for you and you break it. And you break it and you leave it out and you never take care of it. I'm going to give it away. I will take it to Goodwill. Do not make me put it away. That's all I'm saying.

Also, Suzanne, you're in Islamabad. I'm not shipping you a free mug to Islamabad. It would be the most expensive free mug I ever shipped. Literally the most expensive free mug anybody's ever seen in their entire life. What?

Super funny. Thank you for being a patron though, Susan. We really do appreciate it. And we hope you enjoyed the mug while you had it. So in the next couple weeks, we're hoping to have

on a special guest, hopefully have on Marsh within the next couple weeks. We're super excited. We're really looking forward to hanging out with Marsh and talking to Marsh for a while. Great guy.

So that is going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics. Creed credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter. Mommy issue. Hypno Babylon bullshit couched in scientician, double bubble toil and trouble. Pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating press pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment.

Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands. Bloody.

Evidential. Conclusive. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption.

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