Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 532: Vulgarity for Charity 2019 - Part 7

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago this is cognitive dissonance hole studios in Chicago. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 532 of Cognitive Dissonance. And Cecil. Yeah.

You know, we took a week off. Yeah. And 2020 had a new surprise. What's that, Tom? Well, a certain Mr. West has thrown his hat into the political arena, except for in, I think, nine states where he's too late for the fucking filing deadline. He can't just walk in and be like,

but Yeezy wants it. Dude, what is even happening? What is even happening? I don't know, man. I don't know, dude. Here are our choices as I understand them right now. You have a crazy racist grandfather who used to be a reality TV show star

before he became inexplicably president. You've got a deeply mentally ill rap star, hip hop artist, whatever. And then Joe Biden. These are real things that are happening right now. I will tell you, man, I will tell you now, the biggest surprise for me is Joe Biden.

Like, man, you can push me over with a feather because when we talked about Joe Biden, I don't mind Yeezy. Like, I get Yeezy. Yeezy makes sense. Biden, on the other hand, what the fuck is up with that? Jesus. Fucking Kanye releasing like, yeah, I'm just, I'm in. That is the most 2020 thing to possibly happen. Genuinely is. It genuinely is. During a week when the COVID cases are absolutely just skyrocketing, they're up. Every day I look at them and they're up 70, 80, 90% on a 14-day curve.

They're shooting through the roof and crazy shit is happening every minute. And the world seems insane. And then one morning you wake up and Kanye West is running for president. You're like, yes, yes, yes. And that by the way, is Kanye's actual slogan. Yes. That is his political slogan. His slogan is just yes. Yes. Yes. That's his whole slogan. Yes. And he says, he says, he says in his interview, he says, the slogan is yes, not yup or yeah, but yes. It's the fucking best, dude.

So, Tom, we have, at the end of the show tonight, we will have our installment of Vulgarity for Charity. If you missed it, we were on the scathing show last week and we did an episode of Vulgarity for Charity. So if you're waiting for your roast, it could be in either of those places. So since we want to talk about this Forbes article. scoop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

So Cecil, you want to talk about this Forbes article. So Kanye didn't just announce that he was running for president on July 4th, by the way. Fucking justice baller. He was interviewed. And my God, my God, this interview. I just got to run through some of these questions, Cecil, with you.

Sure, yeah. No, absolutely, yeah. And I thought about this actually prior to our record because it's only fair. Before, during the primaries, we gave plenty of time to go through candidate by candidate

and kind of do a little breakdown of what that candidate stood for. To really act, I think, as a public service for our listeners. So I think this interview...

How many fucking Grammys does Biden have? That's what I'm asking. That's a fucking hard-hitting question I'm asking. All I want in the whole world, I mean, obviously, Kanye is not going to become president, but when he doesn't- Wait a second.

Wait a second. I'm sorry. You said the same thing about Trump. I know. I don't even know why I said that. But what I want more than anything is whoever is standing there at inauguration day,

I want Kanye to run up and be like, I'm going to let you finish. I'm going to let you finish. He's trying to swear him in and he won't let him talk. He takes the mic away from Roberts. He's like, no, no, no.

I'll let you finish. I'm going to let you finish that oath in a minute. But I just want to say that Scalia was the best Supreme court justice ever. Scalia. That would be the greatest 2020 moment of all time. Jesus Christ.

That would be, that would be awesome. He's with, he's married to Kardashian. Kim Kardashian. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

That would be, that would be a hilarious inauguration. That would be so good. That would be so good. That would be so good, dude. She's sitting there making duck face and taking selfies in the back. She's Instagramming the whole thing. Like, what else do you do?

Like, that's what, like, Melania is a real model, like an actual runway model. But Kim Kardashian and the rest of them, they're Instagram influencers. They're selfie people. You know what I mean? So they may have a selfie stick with them.

Shooting away. Somebody goes to take her picture. She's like, no, no, no. I'm the expert on taking pictures of me. I take a picture of me. Okay. I've made a whole. Lips out, lips out, camera up.

There we go. We're good. We're good. It's like I have made a multi-million dollar career out of taking pictures of myself man more fucking power to them though i gotta tell you like more fucking power to them they have no i don't want to i don't want to disagree i don't want to make more money taking pictures of themselves than i'm gonna make working my whole life so we we actually did a citation needed episode in an upcoming episode. I don't want to reveal what we did, but we talk

a little bit about Instagram influencers in it. And I watched a documentary with her in it. And the amount of money that she makes, Kendall, this is Kendall Jenner, I think, makes off of fucking, her post is like a quarter million dollars. Quarter million just to

post one thing. If that's not fucking winning, I don't know what winning means. No, don't get me wrong. I'm envious. Yeah. I say these things out of envy. It's not to try to attack them

because they clearly know how to market themselves and sell to people way better than I ever could. Oh my God. You know what I mean? They're so good at it. A quarter million dollars for 10 minutes worth of work. Tops. You know how long a citation needed episode takes me?

Motherfucker. God damn it. Why couldn't I have been pretty? I know. God, am I not pretty though? God, I wish I were pretty. Let me tell you. All right.

So we got to go through Kanye. I don't want to give him me tell you. All right. So we got it. We got to go through Kanye. I don't want to, I don't want to give him short shrift. All right. So on his natural political party. Good for you, Tom. Good for you. Here we go.

You are fair and balanced. That's what they say about me. On his natural political party, I would run as a, now, okay, real quick. This will get, this will start off not being utterly insane just improbable and as we go through there's clearly going to be a tonal shift on his maga hat moment

one of the main reasons i wore the red hat as a protest the segregation of votes in the black community also other than the fact that i like trump hotels and the segregation of votes in the black community. Also, other than the fact that I like Trump hotels and the saxophones in the lobby. He likes smooth jazz. He likes to come by and get like, you know, he likes to be serenaded. You can't hate a guy for that. He just likes a Trump hotel for the saxophones.

Saxomophone. he just likes a Trump hotel for the saxophones. Saxomophone. Look, I like the Westin because of what they play in the elevator. That's how I choose hotels. I'm like literally 100%. I don't care about the bed.

I don't care about the service. I don't care if you leave. You could spit in my fucking mouth at the fucking, at the check-in desk. I don't even care if you have bad elevator music i'll never be back that's i'm checking out i'm never coming back i love that like he chose a political side

and like the the other thing to remember as we go through this is that remember that kanye is a darling of the right like the right has absolutely embraced and they held him up as an example and like he's like yeah i wore that hat because I like your hotel. Not like your views. Not I support your policies and politics. It's like, I like your hotels. We should each, Tom, we should each get hats for our favorite hotels. Oh, we should.

Like our favorite hotel chains. I already have one. It's a MAGA hat. I want to get a Paris our favorite hotels. Oh, we should. Like our favorite hotel chains. I already got one. It's a MAGA hat. I'm going to get a Paris Hilton hat. Our discussions on race with the White House. One time I talked to Jared Kushner, who was saying, we don't have black leaders, we have hustlers.

Why? Because they killed all the black leaders. And I love this aside. Requests for comment from the White House and the Kushner companies last night were not immediately returned. You got to wonder, do they, when Kanye comes in, do you think they get a little street with him?

Jared's trying that shit. He'd be so weird and awkward. Do you think Jared is just, he's just being like so, he's just committing microaggression after microaggression after microaggression. He can't stop himself. He's just over and over and over again.

Like he's communicating with Kanye in such a cringy way. You almost can't look away. That would be my favorite shit. Someone needs to make, SNL needs to make that. That would be so good. I would never stop watching that. On Democrats. That is a form of racism and white supremacy and white control to say that all

black people need to be Democrat and to assume that me running is me splitting the vote. All of that information is being charged up on social media platforms by Democrats. And Democrats used to tell me, the same Democrats have threatened me. The reason why this is the first day I registered to vote is because I was scared.

Wait, no, no, no, no. Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot continue. No, you cannot continue, no, no. You cannot continue. Yeah. No, you cannot continue. All right, we'll pause. We'll pause. You cannot continue. He wasn't registered to vote until the day he-

He's never voted in his life. Until he did this article time? Yeah, until he declared- Until- Yes. He figured they would fact check him. What is happening right now? He's just like,

vote for me. I'm giving it a shot. He's never fucking voted. He'd even vote for Trump in the last election? He's never voted in his life. Never voted. He is running for president

and has never once engaged the democratic process, even as a citizen participant. And he was running for president. I'm just fine at this point with the COVID. I'm like, you know what? Just come on in.

You know what? You can fucking crinkle up my toes like crinkle cuffs or whatever you do. You can fucking infect all the fucking blood vessels in my heart. You know, whatever you want to do.

You do what you got to do to me. Take me, coronavirus. I'm ready. I'm ready now. The reason why this is the first day I registered to vote is because I was scared. I was told that if I voted on Trump, my music career would be over. I was threatened into being... But he wears a fucking hat. You don't have

to vote for him. You're already fucking advertising for him. Your one vote is worthless in comparison to you putting that hat on one single time. Also, like, nobody has to know that you voted or who you voted for. Right. Like, you're not wearing a camera at

all times that you have to turn on. You know you're holding that camera, right? We don't scream it like the Hunger Games when we walk out of the booth. Like, we just fucking, you just vote. And then you walk home and you go home and nobody knew what happened. I love this next line. I was threatened into being in one party.

You weren't in any party. You never voted. Yeah, right. What are you talking about? You peaced out of the party. What are you talking about? I was threatened as a black man into the Democratic Party, which you were never in. You didn't vote.

The thing is, it's like you could be a Democrat and never vote, and you're not a Democrat. I was threatened as a celebrity into being one party. I was threatened as a black man into the Democratic Party. And that's what the Democrats are doing emotionally to my people, threatening them to the point where this white man can tell a black man, if you don't vote for me, you're not black. That is something that Biden said. Yeah, he did. Absolutely. Yeah, that's something that Biden said. That's not totally devoid of that whole, let me just say, like that whole screed when you take out the nonsense is not devoid of all merit, right?

There is a de facto assumption on the side of the Democratic establishment that they can count on the black vote. Now, I do think it's, and they probably take it for granted. I do think that the reality is that in all of recent memory, they have been able to count on the black vote. So historically, that's borne out by the facts of what happens. And look at what happened with Biden. Right. You know what I mean? Like, there was a guy who had no traction in two states that were majority white voters.

Right. He had no traction whatsoever. He got face fucked in those states. But the moment he started going to places where there was a large Democratic minority vote, he won hands down. Crushed it. So there's a huge support for Biden on the other

side by black voters. And it's borne out in all the data. On how the race will be decided. So here's what he says on how the race will be decided, Cecil. Let's see if the appointing is at 2020 or if it's 2024, because God appoints the president. If I win in 2020, then it was God's appointment. If I went in 2024, then that was God's appointment. Yeah. Okay. Hold on. Let's keep going. We're going to power through this, buddy. He had me in the first half, admittedly. Yeah, right? He had me in the first half, admittedly. On the coronavirus cure, we pray. We pray for the freedom. It's all about God.

We need to stop doing things that make God mad. On the coronavirus cure, we pray. We pray for the freedom. It's all about God. We need to stop doing things that make God mad. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Once I turned old enough to touch myself, I've been making God mad a lot. On vaccines, it's so many of our children that are being vaccinated and paralyzed. And so when they say the way we're going to fix COVID is with vaccine,

I'm extremely cautious. That's the mark of the beast. They want to put chips inside of us. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. They want to do all kinds of things to make it where we can't cross the gates of heaven. I'm sorry when I say they, the humans that have the devil inside them. And the sad thing is that the saddest thing is that we won't all make it to heaven,

that there'll be some of us that don't make it. Next question. Do you think while this guy is interviewing him, he's just thinking, I shouldn't be torturing this mentally ill person like this? I don't know because he is not well. I'm deciding to run for president. It's when I was being offered

the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Awards at MTV. You know, so many stories about when I decided to run for president begin with that same line. I remember being at my mom's house. My mother-in-law, because my house was being worked on, she calls me son. I call her mom. I was in the shower thinking,

yeah, there you go, Cecil. Just a little bit of color. A little bit of insight into Kanye's world, buddy. You gotta peek behind the curtain. I was in the shower thinking, I write raps in the shower. It hit me to say, you're going to run for president. And this I love. And I started laughing hysterically. I was like, this is the best. I'm going to go out there and they're going to think I'm going to do these songs and do this for entertainment, how rigged award shows are, and then say, I'm going to run for president. And I just laughed in the shower.

I don't know for how long, but that's the moment it hit me. He's a crazy person, hysterically laughing in the shower. Like for such a long period of time, he doesn't, like time isn't working anymore properly. Oh man. This is happening, buddy. This is a Forbes article. This is a Forbes article. This is a Forbes article. Yeah.

They sent a real reporter to talk to him. Yeah. Yeah. This is actually crazier than the rent is too damn high guy. Right. The rent is too damn high. He had a point. The rent's really high.

This is crazier than the guy who lived in his buddy's basement with the leather hat. On his foreign policy. I haven't developed it yet. I'm focused on protecting America first with our great military. Let's focus on ourselves first. Get out of here. Get out of here. How do you focus

on yourself during a global pandemic, you idiots? Alright, you're going to lead a nation in an international crisis. How do you focus on yourself during a global pandemic, you idiots? All right, you're going to lead a nation in an international crisis. What are your thoughts on international issues? I don't have a lot, but I do know I'm going to use the military, is what he just said. What would you use the military for if not part of your foreign policy? All right, see, so one more just to give you some flavor here

because I think this is great. On the Wakanda management model, here's what he said about this, Cecil. A lot of the Africans do not like the movie Black Panther and representation of themselves in Wakanda, but I'm going to use the framework of Wakanda right now because it's the best explanation of what our design group is going to feel like in the White House. That's a positive idea. You got Kanye West. Remember, Kanye West is speaking right now. You got Kanye West. The third person. He's Bob Doling himself. Yeah. You got Kanye West, one of the most powerful humans. I'm not saying the most because you've got a lot of alien level superpowers and it's only collectively that we can set it free.

What's happening, man? Let's get back to Wakanda. Like in the movie, in Wakanda, when the king went to visit that lead scientist, they have the shoes wrap around her shoes. Running for president guys I need to know that I got it alright like Tom I understood his foreign policy

I understood his foreign policy but here I'm a little shaky on this I got you I'm here for you let's get back to Wakanda like in the movie I got you. I'm here for you. Cecil, I'm here for you, buddy. All right. Let's get back to Wakanda. Okay.

Like in the movie, in Wakanda, when the king went to visit that lead scientist to have the shoes wrap around her shoes. Just the amount of... You're dying over there. It's like she has regular shoes

and then like high tops form over them and then they suddenly turn into regular shoes and then like high tops form over them and then they suddenly turn into snow shoes and then like transformer shoes. Eventually they're like big cars and she's trying to walk with giant cars on her feet. Oh God, I quit the show. No, no, no.

Wait, let me finish this answer. There's still more? Come on, man. He goes on after the shoes? After the shoes? Just the amount of innovation that can happen. The amount of innovation in medicine, like big pharma. We're going to work, innovate together.

This is not going to be some nipsy hustle being murdered. They're doing a documentary. We have so many soldiers that die for our freedom. Our freedom of information. That there is a cure for AIDS out there. There is going to be a big mix of big pharma and holistic. I can't. That is... Yeah, buddy and holistic. I can't. That is...

Yeah, buddy! If somebody doesn't get across their chest, that's going to be a big mix of pharma and holistic where thug life normally goes. You're doing life wrong. Okay, so you guys, that's... There's a lot more here, but this

is... That's Kanye. That's Kanye. He's running. Neat. Yes, is his slogan. No would be my response. I just have to throw that out there as a counterpoint to his slogan. Counterpoint? Hard no.

No. Genuine question, though. Yes. Genuine question about him. Who does he take votes away from? If he gets votes, is he taking away votes from Biden or is he taking away votes from Trump? I think he'll take a handful of votes

away from Biden, but not many. I don't think he's going to be politically significant at all. No, I think this is just some sideshow 2020 bullshit. Seriously, no. There's no real. If he gets enough people and he gets on the stage with those two for a debate.

Oh, my God. Nothing in the world. I thought Marianne Williamson was crazy. If there is a debate, Cecil, if there is a debate between Donald Trump, Kanye West, and Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Kanye West, and Joe Biden, I will take the day off of work and roll around in baby oil in anticipation of how

fucking excited I'm going to be. Like, nothing in the whole world, nothing in the world would make me greasier with joy than that idea. Man, I'm right there with you, dude. Free life situation number two. You're at a friend's house. He's having a than that idea. Man, I'm right there with you, too. Real life situation number two.

You're at a friend's house. He's having a barbecue. He's mugging you. All right? He wants your money to buy crack. So what's the first thing you're going to do? Wrist control. All right?

You got the wrist. Now, do you feel that? Do you feel I'm kind of controlling your movements a little bit? Because that's when I pull out my gun. All right? Now, he's afraid of my gun. He's afraid my gun will shoot him in the head. So I have complete control.

Another mugging thwarted. Alright, see, so this story's from ABC News. Father's lost to young son in arm wrestling leads to shooting and eight-hour standoff. Wait, I want to say real quick. Can I just say before we get started that it led to gunfire.

Shooting means, shooting, this is like a clickbait article. Like it didn't lead to a shooting of a person. A building got hurt. It wasn't like, the guy shot a gun off. He didn't hurt anybody with the gun. So it's like, it led to a shooting. It did not lead, okay, yeah, technically a gunshot. But the shooting sort of implies that something, a person was shot, not just like a thing.

It's such a click-baity article. But anyway, go ahead. So the nuts and bolts here is deputies learned that Zimmerman was intoxicated and challenged his juvenile son to an arm wrestling contest. And I love this part. When Zimmerman lost multiple times,

he became agitated. He lost multiple times. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. You didn't go on three. You're going to go on one, two, three. He's getting his ass kicked.

I like to think because they don't tell you the age of the kid. I like to think he's like a seven-year-old. Beating the shit out of his dad. Oh, my God. You know, I got this story because I remember when I was 13 or 14,

my dad used to roughhouse with me. Did your dad roughhouse with you at all when you were growing up? My dad did. I actually used to arm wrestle with my dad when I was a kid. Did you? My dad never let me win.

He never let me win. Not a single time. We would lean backwards like with our whole body and our legs like try to like pull it back and he would fucking he would fucking turn his hat around and he would fucking slam he's like fuck you it's like flipping a switch and my dad was like old man strong because he was a truck driver and i had no chance even when i was older i had no chance my dad was a strong dude and he'd just be like, boom. And he was, he was a skinny.

He was, he had, my dad had the most hilarious body. He was like skinny all around. He was skinny and gangly all around. He had a huge pot belly. So he was like, he was so funny looking because his whole, all his arms and shit were all skinny, but he was strong. He was a strong dude. And I remember he just like, boom, he'd fucking wreck us all.

We were all little kids at the time, but he was just like, fuck you peon, get away from me. And so, so I, I, I kind of sympathize with the kid in this. Beat your dad if you can. That's the key. When I was in, I was 13 or 14, somewhere right around there. My dad used to rough house and like wrestle around, you know? And like, then like, I remember there was one time where we like, we were, we were wrestling and, uh, I won and he stood up and he didn't say anything and he left the room and he never, ever, ever rough housed with me again. He never, he was just like, it was just that moment where he was just like, fuck, I'm old. Well, you know, it just like crushed his spirit. The thing is, is like there's two, there's two lines

and they have to intersect somewhere unless one of you dies early or something. You know what I mean? But for the most part, it's those lines will intersect as he's going down in age. You're coming up.

You're coming up and those lines will eventually intersect. You know what I mean? You're going to, there's going to be a day, Tom, when you can't roughhouse with your, unless they're so weak that they just never can do it which i was just thinking of the yeah of the boys in my charge i know yeah the thing is like like like the internet has not been kind to humans so i think i think that there may be there may

be something to it but but you know, there's a possibility if they ever get active that there's a possibility I feel like I got a few years You got a couple years on him still, Tom I feel good on that I did rough house with the boys not that long ago My two sons are like 13

and 13 and they were 13 and 14 now, but like, this is a few months ago, but they both decided they were going to like gang up on me and they like ran after me. And so I picked the one up, there's one of them that's real skinny. And so I picked him up and I just tucked him behind my back. It was just, so I held him with one arm, just tucked behind my back and just wrestled the bigger one, the heavy one with my one arm. Years ago, years ago, Tom and I were at a party and we're all drinking. And this guy who used to wrestle in high school was like a 6'2". He couldn't have weighed more than 125 pounds.

He's very thin. And he said to Tom, he's like, I'll wrestle you. And so they went outside and he basically wrapped himself around Tom's leg. He covered Tom's leg with his leg. So he wrapped his legs around Tom. And then he wrapped his body around the upper part of Tom. And Tom just stood up. And then he walked away.

And the guy was on his back sort of waggling. And Tom just walked away like, okay was on his back sort of waggling. And Tom just walked, he just walked away like, okay, well I can't grab you, but you can't stop me from doing the things. You can't stop me from continuing on with my day. And then so Tom just, Tom just walked away.

And this guy is like, whoa, I'm on here. Hey, I'm on here. What are you doing? Oh God. It's like,

it's like in the movies when a guy accidentally grabs a hold of a brontosaurus's neck and then regrets it. Like that. Oh, God. It's like in the movies when a guy accidentally grabs a hold of a brontosaurus's neck and then regrets it. Like, that's what it was. It's like, whoa, I'm out of here. What are you doing? Oh, God. Oh, I love this.

There's nothing else in this story. The rest of the story is not. I just love that he loses multiple times. There's an eight-hour standoff, though, too, which is hilarious that he's so buttered it takes him eight hours to calm down.

He had to sober up, right? Jesus, how unbelievable. Oh, God. Oh, God, I hit that guy. Oh, man. Oh, great. Only crime all day. Sir, I am so sorry. I was looking at my... Sir, I'm sorry! Sir, I'm sorry!

Sir, we got exchange information. Why is he running? That was totally my fault. Oh, my God. That's marijuana. Good stuff, too. Oh, man. All right.

Yeah, that's how we do it in Reno. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. This story I love because it's just so wonderfully unlucky. Yeah. This is from Fox. Police. Man in stolen vehicle flees officers,. Police, man in stolen vehicle, flees officers,

crashes into a woman in separately stolen vehicle in Newburgh, both arrested. The craziest thing is while they were driving, they both swiped right on Tinder at the same time

and that's why they crashed. It's a match. It's a match, all right. So good. That's just amazing. That story is just... That's a fucking two all right. So good. That's just amazing. That story is just... That's a fucking twofer for the cops. And it's one of those,

like, don't ever tell me the odds. One of the odds. Tom, one of the odds that we're talking, they're in fucking Oregon. Like, this is not like the, I mean, I guess I don't know what the crime rate is in Oregon, but it doesn't fit. It's not like the, I don't, I mean, I guess I don't know what the crime rate is in Oregon, but it doesn't fit.

It's not like they're in the middle of some hotbed of awful crime like Chicago. They're not in the middle of Chicago driving. They're not in Baltimore. They're not in St. Louis. They're not in one of these places where you would expect a lot of crime.

It just happens to be two people in Oregon. I'm surprised two cars could bounce into each other in Oregon. Let alone both of them at the same time be fucking stolen. I just, I can't even imagine. You're the cops. You're like, oh, you're this woman. You're just driving along. It's like, boom, you get nailed.

You're like, oh, you're going to, oh man. Oh man. They're like trying you're gonna oh man oh man they're like trying to show each other their insurance cards and they both pull out screwdrivers that they used

to hot wire the car I don't have it I don't have it I just have this it's all I brought don't fuck with me I have the power of God

and anime on my side wait it's over 9000 this is from the friendly atheist lawsuit says atheist pro-league spent five months in jail for not going to bible studies This is from the Friendly Atheist Lawsuit. It says, Atheist pro-league spent five months in jail for not going to Bible study. So the gist here is this guy, Mark Janney, gets arrested.

He gets released from jail on parole. And a condition of his parole is that he had to go live at the Denver Rescue Mission, which is like a Christian homeless shelter. And the shelter's rules is that if you're there, you have to participate in worship services. And he's like, well, he said, look, I'll live there, but I don't want to do like the religious piece of it. So he was willing to go and to be there and be under their supervision, but he just didn't want to attend like the sing-songy religious bullshit. And they're like, all right, no, that's just no, no fucking parole revoked. He couldn't do it. Admittedly, though, one month of Bible study feels like five months, like regular months.

You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Like, if you have to do one month of Bible study, it's equivalent to five months of your life. When was the last time you went to church, church, church? Like, not a wedding or a funeral is what I mean. Oh, God, I don't remember. I don't go to church services. I can't imagine having to go to church at this point. Like, I haven't been to church since I was a teenager. Yeah. Like, I don't remember. I don't go to church services. I can't imagine having to go to church

at this point. Like I haven't been to church since I was a teenager. Yeah. Like for like a, like a service. On your, on your own.

You've been to weddings. I've been to weddings too. That's what I mean. Like outside of weddings and funerals. Weddings and funerals. Cause I was at a funeral last year. You know what I mean?

Right. Yeah. Yeah. That stuff you're going, but you're not like attending. Yeah. They still do all the, like a service.

They still do all the weirdness where they're waving a fucking ball of incense around and splashing the coffin with water and saying all kinds of weird shit. And people get up and read some dumb passage of a book. So it's still weird, but it's not weird by choice. It's not going there by choice and feeling weird.

I can't imagine being like, okay, you can get out of jail and go to church. I'd be like, how bad was jail? Yeah. Like how bad? I don't know. You just say you're making a decision.

It's a hard, you're like, okay. It's a hard one. But I really do like got along with your cell. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

You were in the middle of a class or whatever and you're just, you just think, you know what? Maybe I will stick around until the end of this class. I'll finish this class out.

Yeah. Instead of having to go to church. You know, this reminds me of though, Tom, this reminds me of the AA thing where they, and where they make you find a,

they make you have to have some sort of belief in a higher power. Right. And, and it's all just, it's all just another level of control and bullshit

that atheists have to go through to just say, look, I don't believe your fairy tale. I don't believe it. I don't embrace it. It's not part of my life. I don't care about it. I genuinely don't care that other people are going to church. I think it's probably a bad waste of your time,

but you could do what you want. It's your own fucking choice, right? Go to church. You want to go to church? Go to church. It makes you feel better. You get community out of it, whatever it does for you. I don't care. But the problem is, is that, you know, like, like you shouldn't force me to go to church. I won't force you to listen to my show. You know what I mean? Like what the fuck? Right. I won't force you not to go to church like it's just like let's just like let each other like have our own fucking decisions it's that doesn't make me more better less crimey because i where there's plenty of fucking religious people in jail absolutely man and there's a reason why they they they also indoctrinated when they come out they're

indoctrinated when they come out but i suspect that they're mostly indoctrinated while they're inside oh i think so you know and these like these places are a lot of times like big money when they come out. They're indoctrinated when they come out, but I suspect that they're mostly indoctrinated while they're inside. Oh, I think so, too. You know? And these places are a lot of times like big money, for-profit organizations.

China has total respect for Donald Trump's very, very large brain. They call her Pocahontas. I am the chosen one. You are fake news. Okay? I am the least racist person.

Oh, look at my African-American over here. Look at him. It's a camera. Grab him by the pussy. Stop it. Tom, I want to play. I want to talk a little bit about Trump this week. There's some stuff that happened with Trump.

Trump lost a big court case this week. Yes, he did. The Supreme Court in his tax, he was going to show everybody his taxes and then he kept on saying no. And then there's been financial requests of his financial paperwork and records, and he has blocked those in court. And the Supreme Court has kicked that back down to the lower courts saying no. So it's been thrown back down, I think, at this point.

thrown back down, I think, at this point. So it's a loss for him because I think he was expecting that since he packed the court with his hand-chosen people, that they would then be loyal to him. And it was actually 7-2. So it was a big decision. Well, and there was a five... Weren't there two decisions about his taxes that were made?

Yeah, I think there was two, yeah. So if I recall, I believe that there was one that was made that pushed it back down to the lower courts, and that was whether or not Congress had the ability to subpoena his tax records. That's right, that's right, you're right. And the one that he's just straight up lost, five to four, with Gorsuch writing the majority opinion, he straight up lost, was whether or not prosecutors had a right to view his tax or his financial records. You're right.

There was two this week. Yeah. So that's real interesting. The people won't get to see those in time for the November election, but prosecutors investigating conduct, they basically were like, look, if we're going to have a rule of law, it means nobody's exempt from it. Right. Right.

So Congress, that gets kicked down. But in terms of whether or not prosecutors have an ability to subpoena his records, absolutely they do. Fuck you, dude. It sucks that we won't be able to see him because he lied to us before about saying he was going to show us his tax records and he never did. And now, you got to wonder where all those people are, because he's been blocking it the whole time. And you got to ask those people who voted for him and who continue to support him. Don't you want to see that? Don't you want to know where

that money's going to? Why do you just give that a pass? Why do you give that a hand wave? I don't get it. And if there's nothing there, then like wouldn't the light of day just silence your critics? Yeah. Tom, I want to play a video right now. This is from the Lincoln Project. I'm going to turn you. I'm going to be able to Lincoln Project. I'm going to turn you.

I'm going to be able to see again. I'm going to be able to see it. Oh, this is exciting, Cecil. I can see it really nicely too. So here we go, Tom. I'm going to play the audio for the audience. I'm going to put a link on this week's show notes for this. Understand that what's happening in this video all the time

is names are being flashed and people's faces are being flashed that they're talking about, the Republicans that have supported Trump. Someday soon, the time of Trump will pass. This circus of incompetence, corruption, and cruelty will end. When it does,

the men and women in Trump's Republican Party will come to you, telling you they can repair the damage he's done. They'll beg you to forget their votes to exonerate Trump from his crimes, ask you to forgive their silence, their cowardice, and their betrayals as Trump wrecked this nation. Every time they had a choice between America and Trump, they chose Trump. Every time they were called to the service of this nation and their sacred oath, they chose Trump. Every time.

Learn their names. Remember their actions. And never, ever trust them again. So that's from the Lincoln Project. And the reason why I wanted to play that and the reason why I wanted to talk about it, the thing that I would hope that this ever happened on my end of things,

where someone is being, I don't know, someone's being... Ruining the nation as a fucking Democrat. I would hope I would be... I would hope that I would make this video. They recognize the badness of not just one person in their party, but that person was supported by many other people in their party. And they recognize the shittiness of that person.

And it makes me hopeful for politics when I see the stuff that they're putting out because it's not just anything but Trump. They're saying anything but the Republicans at this point because so many of them have supported Trump in the past. Yeah, and the Lincoln Project has been crushing it. Yeah. They have absolutely been crushing it.

Their videos are strong and to the point, and they're not just anti-Trump. They're anti-Trump and pro-Biden, right? Because that's the way that you get people to come out and to vote and to affect change. If all people do is say, I don't want to vote for Trump, that's not a vote for Biden. That might just be not a vote. And that's not a calculus you can count on. Right. Not a vote is not a vote. Yeah. Right. So like suppressing the right, the vote on the right is good generally for the left, but it's not as good as suppressing it and giving the left a point. Exactly. Right. So yeah, they're Republicans. Yeah. And they're coming out and saying like, yeah, all right, you're going to ruin my fucking party. Yeah. And now you're, no one's going to trust me again.

Yeah. Like if they want to ever have credibility for the future, they have to do this. Yeah. And now you're, no one's going to trust me again. Yeah. Like if they want to ever have credibility for the future, they have to do this. Yeah. They have to. Yeah. And those motherfuckers like Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell

and Cotton and Collins, like those fucking people, like they're garbage now. Like they, hopefully they've ruined their careers. What on earth

could you possibly be thinking? You know, it says a lot about the right and I think it says a lot about the right, and I think it says a lot about the left too, because the left can eat itself too, but it says a lot about the right. If you know that you're

Ted Cruz, first off, God, you're Ted Cruz. That's the worst thing that could ever happen to you. That's the worst thing to know about yourself. I mean, there's bad things to be in the universe, and it's Ted Cruz. The fact is that he's talked about your family. He's insulted you. He's been nothing but a fucking degenerate shithead to you.

And you have to fucking lick his cum off the table. You know what I mean? Like the amount of ass kissing you have to do to that guy just so you get elected, it's not worth it, man. If you ever had a job in your life where you would be willing to do something like that, I know I've never had a job like that in my life.

No. So the fact that these guys are just so willing to bend over and just, and the way Lindsey Graham talked about him before he was elected was he hated him. You could tell he hated him. He thought he was going to be an ever-Trumper. He was absolutely going to be the end of the world for us.

And the people who've supported him since the beginning got kicked out of his administration. Jeff Sessions was one of the first people to stand up and say, I like Trump. And he got fucking ejected from the administration. So, you know, he has no loyalty. He's proven it over and over and over again that he has no loyalty.

And these people still, they will get on their hands and knees and beg for him, his support. When, you know, wouldn't it have been something for us to make fun These people still, they will get on their hands and knees and beg for him, his support. Wouldn't it have been something for us to make fun of Ted Cruz for so long? And then when Trump does something to say, him to say stuff like, for example, a couple of weeks ago, you had mentioned that Ted Cruz wouldn't comment on his tweets. What if he made a comment on his tweets? The only fucking Republican that seemed to have any fucking backbone is dead right now. McCain walked out and gave the thumbs down.

Nobody was, nobody's willing to do that. Everybody else thinks it's political suicide. Well, if it's political suicide, then you're a monolith. Then you never have any dissenting opinions and there's no conversation to be had. It's just, it's just really sad that that's where we're at in this country.

It is, but you know, like the strength of the Republican Party has been their ability to circle their wagons. And that has been their strength for such a long time. But I do wonder if we're now at a place where circling the wagons is going to blow up in their fucking faces because they circled their wagons around this unbelievably toxic character of Trump. And for maybe the first handful of months, they probably thought like, okay, like we can control this guy. We can get some things done. But like as, as, as 2016 through 2020 presented some of the most significant challenges in the

past, probably 20 years for an executive and to have incompetent leadership at that high of a level, they circled a wagon around exactly the wrong guy at exactly the wrong time in history. And that is the one time that that strategy could blow up in their fucking faces. I don't know if it will, because I don't know how educated and honest people are about how they vote.

There's a lot of people that are wagon circlers too. So we'll fucking see. I think we want to be clear too, that the Lincoln project doesn't reflect any of the values that Tom and I have at all. Uh, really we're not, I mean, it's, it's a Republican organization. Uh, we're just, I think both of us are just sort of blown away that there's a, there's a rift of some kind in their party where they're willing to call out members of their own party, which is, which is unique, I think, to say the least. And the other thing too, it's like, you know, even a broken clock is right twice a day. And so, so we look at all the things that they're producing and the, uh, the

videos, the specifically the ads that they're producing that are critical of Donald Trump. These are all correct. Whether or not I agree with the, the other positions that the Lincoln project has, these particular videos are in fact true. Well, we were all forced to take a month off this because of Eli's negligence. So I want to welcome back the two guys that do the heavy lifting on all their shows and the one guy that rides on their coattails. And I'll let you guys fight about which is which. Noah, Heath, and Eli from the Scathing Atheist. Gentlemen, welcome back.

Hey, Cecil, I found these coattails fair and square. And no need to be bitter just because I grabbed onto yours as well a couple of years ago. It's like a nice double. You're very heavy. You're very heavy. Let's dive right in, Noah. Venture would like a roast of their friend, Eric. Yeah, no, Eric is proud of his Scottish heritage, but like in a lazy ass, didn't bother to learn anything except kilts and bagpipes kind of way. So congratulations on being the infinity of person to glom onto the two shittiest non-cuisine aspects of Scottishness and on being like, whatever, ever so slightly more historically accurate than a Mel Gibson movie.

Eli, Matthew would like a roast of his wife's ex-husband Justin. Oh my God, it's a human chinstrap. Kim, what were we going for here? Did we not get the failed Tony Hawk clone we had asked for

for Christmas? He looks like the picture in a medical textbook for proto-pubescentalism. Do you know this word? You made that word up and you don't know what it is. I did. I love you, man.

That's amazing. All right. I did it. That's amazing. Cecil, got one for you here. Michael would like a roast of Pennsylvania politician Pat Fumi. I've seen some people with ladders of wrinkles on their forehead, but this guy looks like he has a whole American Ninja Warrior course up there.

He's pro charter schools, anti-environment, traditional marriage. It's like all the hedge fund managers all touch rings and became a really twisted Captain Planet. All right, next one's for you, Eli. Beth would like a roast for her 10-year-old son, Nathan. Okay, so a little backstory here. Nathan, who is 10 years old,

brought $25 from his piggy bank and asked for us to say lots of swear words at math, which is adorable. Oh, my God. Nathan, you are our future. So, Nathan, listen up our future. So Nathan, listen up, buddy. Math is a poopy butthole. It's the

poopiest butthole that ever pooped out a big shitty poop. It's such a big fucking poopy butthole that other asses who try to poop out of their assy gassy buttholes for pooping, they can't because math used up all the poop. That's so good.

I was very proud of it. He's 10, though. He's 10, so he can hear that, but I couldn't be like, math will fucking suck my dick and I'll come on and dance. So I had to do a roast so she could segment out and play for him. I'm going to keep both just and let her choose.

Sounds good. And Tom, Rachel would like just and let her choose. Sounds good. And Tom, Rachel would like you to roast her mother-in-law, Glendora. All right. Well, Glendora believes that all of her bad actions

are caused by demons. Nice. Kind of, Glendora. But like, only if demon is a shorthand way to say the shitty, mean-spirited,

petty, weak parts of you. Or again, like another shorthand would be to call them glendora that would work too like hey glendora when someone in your family is going through a tough time you know what they don't need you you are not wanted nope not in times of crisis to pass shitty judgment and not in times of joy to spoil the moment nobody wants you glend. And it's not because you're imperfect or because you have demons. We all have demons, Glendora.

It's just that at this point, that's all you are. You are a collection of your own mistakes. And the only one at this point that forgives you your trespasses is you. Everyone else is sick of your shit. Boom! Okay, see, so got another one for you here Will would like a roast for his grandfather

George This is the guy that wouldn't attend his granddaughter's wedding because she wasn't a virgin Hey, Grandpa Patriarchy, even T.I. is shaking his fucking head at you Were you married three times?

Where did you find three different virgins all born in the 1920s? You look like someone age-apped Anthony Fauci, except you're issuing your own stay-at-home order. All right, Keith, how about a roast for Casey's Uncle Carl? Okay, Uncle Carl. He looks like he's been kicked out of a Chili's for yelling about how the financial crisis of 2008 was caused by too

much regulation. And somehow fitting a slur word into that and getting kicked out of a Chili's. And the reason he looks like that is because that literally happened. That's a real thing about Uncle Carl. So, if you're picturing the

skinny guy from Ice Hockey on 8-Bit Nintendo as a very badly chosen mannequin at Brooks Brothers, you fucking nailed it. That's Uncle Carl. And Eli. And he didn't get to finish his queso. Fuck you. And Eli Owen gave us

the very proper $169 for a roast of himself. Yeah, because if ever there was a man who looked like he could 69 with himself, it's Owen. So I went down like a rabbit hole for this roast. So Owen is a hash house harrier, which is alcoholism with costumes. Sorry, alcoholism with costumes is technically American Halloween. It's British alcoholism with costumes is technically American Halloween. It's British alcoholism with costumes. I mean, what can you say to a man whose hobby includes drinking, wearing sillier clothes?

Am I right? I mean, you look like Simon Pegg touring secondary schools after a year of recovery while secretly buying glue from the shop teacher. But still, this one was a challenge. This one was a challenge, is what I'm saying. Noah Weston would like a roast of his friend, Patrick. Ah, Patrick. Patrick, who went to the, with enough mustache wax, I won't even need a personality school of personal hygiene.

Weston has said Patrick is A, actually one of the best people they know, and B, a hipster that wears converses and collects vinyl records, so I can only conclude that Patrick is the only person Weston has ever met. Tom, Chris gave us 200 bucks to roast her mom, Irene,

and Irene's husband, Carl. Man, bad day to be a Carl, am I right? Who the fuck are you? I'm Carl the Bug of Pegacorn. I'm a character on the skating shows. Yeah, if you say so. Irene, Carl, you guys deserve each other. That, by the way, that is not a good thing

because Carl is a rapist. And Irene, Carl is the best you could do. And Carl, Irene's standards here are, it's okay, you're a rapist. So don't get any big ideas on either of your values here. All right? In an ideal world, people like Carl and Irene would be torn apart

by a pack of wolves. But we don't live in an ideal world where horrible people are justly savaged by vicious dogs. So I guess I'll offer this condolence, Chris. If we are nothing else to ourselves, we are the architects of who we are. And there is no mirror in the world that will fail its duty to reflect back to Irene and Carl that they are monsters and that there is no return for them to decency. They have squandered themselves. They've wasted any chance they might have ever at self-respect.

In every moment, they cannot escape what they are, what they have done, and they can never undo the past. There will never be a world that forgets or forgives that they wake up in. And I promise you that they know that. All right. Well, there's one thing we can all admit about Vulgarity for Charity. It has gone to the dogs. Did you write that for real?

Jesus Christ. Yeah. This year, we received no less than 45 dog roasts, which leads us to only one conclusion. It's gone to the dogs. You must really hate your pets. Now, as much as we'd like to have Heath roast all these dogs, while we take a snack break, we're going to chip in.

So, gents, are you ready to make Michael Bick proud? Oh, shit. I asked a question. Are you ready to make Michael Bick proud? Yes, sensei.

All right. Eli, why don't you start us off with Lee's dog? Oh, look at this adorable little asshole. If a face could say property damage, it's Lila's. Hey, L at this adorable little asshole. If a face could say property damage, it's Lila's. Hey, Lila,

bring it in. Lee adopted you when no one else would, so maybe ex-nay on the hiding bay before you end up somewhere really terrible, like New Jersey? I'm just saying, Lila. Yeah, Lila looks like there were 102 Dalmatians,

but the family was okay with Tulsi Gabbard getting one. Okay, Heath, how about one for Joel's dog, Lily? Okay, well, Lily looks like a dog from a coloring book, but there was only enough crayon for the face, and her body,

it's all white, so it looks like she's wearing blackface or like burnt sienna face it's like she got a spray tan with Donald Trump it's not a good look now how about some brutal honesty for Laura's dog Baron yeah okay here's some

brutal honesty for you it's a German shepherd named Baron that tortures your cat Laura I'm pretty sure your dog is a Nazi. He's not just chewing holes in those blankets. He's trying to rip out a Star of David to pin on the fucking cat.

Alright, so Cecil, I got a dog for you to roast or sous vide or whatever it is that you would do. Let's hear about Patrick's Corgi Ein. Corgis look like small dogs. Cosplaying is like real dogs. They look like

anime dogs. Everything's either shrunken or exaggerated. They're like a Republican penis, man. It's crazy. And Tom, since I know you don't really go in for this stuff, how about a roast of Evan's goat? Banjo.

A goat. Banjo? Yeah. Why the fuck would you name something without fingers Banjo? That's stupid, Evan. You named your pet a stupid name. But then you have a pet goat. So, I mean, what kind of fucking pet is a goat?

Were you just sitting around one day thinking, oh man, I wish I had a pet with the eyes of Satan that likes to climb on top of everything and just stand there staring maliciously into the middle distance while shitting a thousand dime-sized turds everywhere it goes. Man, that would be an amazing pet. That's goats, Evan. Okay, we're going back to people now. Eli, Karen would like a roast of the governor of Alaska. All right. Well, if proud of farting in an elevator

full of nauseous children could have a face, it would be Mike Dunleavy. By the way, his head is way too small for his body. It really is. It's crazy. He looks like God switched his head onto like a John Madden action figure, oversized version.

Nobody had the heart to tell him. But his head is also enormous. So it's way too small for his body, but the head's enormous too. He looks like a giant got Zika. Noah, how about a little sting for Ethan's dad, Phillip? Yeah, right. Yeah, no.

Ethan sent me a picture of his dad. It's way the fuck off in the distance. And at first I was frustrated because that makes my job harder. But then I read the description and I decided that's as close as I'd want to be to that asshole too. I think one of the member of the fucking boondock taint. Phillip is holding a chainsaw. And from what I learned in horror movies, I can only assume that that's because like when your face reaches a certain

level of ugly, you just get one of those as a consolation prize. All right, Cecil, I've got a tricky one for you. Mikkel gave us a hundred bucks for a roast of his family. Have at him. Okay, it's $50 a roast, man.

He gave us $100 and he wants fucking eight people roasted? No. You seem like the kind of person that calls to get a free fridge and then asks if they can deliver it across state lines. Okay, eight all in one roast.

Here we go. If they recast Fast and the Furious with your family, it would be a whole movie of you driving in the right lane, five miles below the speed limit using your turn signals. You look like if you all form Voltron, you'd be a vaguely lion-shaped lump made of couch cushions. That's great. Tom, Sandra would like a roast for their school advisor, Gary.

All right, Sandra, Gary's afraid of you. He was always afraid of you. That's why people pull the old, you'll do great, welcome, fuck you, why are you even here, shtick? He's terrified. Not that you're going to prove him wrong, but you're going to prove him right.

You'll confirm what he knows about himself, that he isn't up to the job, that he's lost, he has nothing to offer, that he's a teacher unfit and unworthy of students. Gary was terrified of you, Sandra, and he should be. Because in the end, the only thing that can happen is what is inevitable, that his house collapsed around him while you went on to bigger and better things. Which is pretty much anything that doesn't involve Gary's Midas touch of shit. All right. You know what that means? Eli's back on the show. So he's scripted more sound effects than a morning DJ.

Yes. It also means it's time for another This category is concepts. So feel free to get as heady as you like. Big thanks to Sarah, Dan, Lick, Steve, Terry, Jeremy, Jay, Andrew, Chris, and Colton for their donations. Eli, you're first. You are crushing insecurity. Oh, crushing insecurity. Well, you are nothing but a personal ghost. A wet picnic blanket on a sunny day.

You are the monster that follows me up the basement stairs. And guess what? You are just as real. God, I hope I did that right. I feel like I didn't. I feel like I went too heady. Noah's helped to write it or done like a dumb thing. These are all so late.

Yeah, you don't have enough natural confidence. That's true. It was terrible. All right, Heath, anxiety. Okay, I just looked it up. It was terrible. All right. Heath, anxiety. Okay. I just looked it up. Apparently, anxiety is a state of nervous apprehension, often about an imminent event. But thanks to 2020, you're extinct.

Deal with it. All the imminent catastrophes are fucking happening right now in the present. So, suck it, anxiety. You got replaced by screaming about the present. Eat it. Face. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

The Kentucky electorate. Oh, wow. Yeah, the challenge here is finding an insult that the Kentucky electorate hasn't already bestowed upon itself. We're talking about people with standards lower than Mitch McConnell's jowls. People as fucking shallow as Rand Paul's political philosophy. As Amy McGrath's candidacy shows, even your goddamn liberals are a bunch of conservative assholes. Jesus Christ.

We're talking about people who have the legal right to not be in Kentucky anymore and don't exercise it. What else is left to insult after that? Except Cali. I have a challenge for you, Cecil. Somebody wants you to roast suicide. Okay, this is kind of a cop-out, but neither I nor anyone else is going to joke

about this, but that's because I'm the editor, so no matter what you say, I'm going to edit it out. Instead, just let me say that there's always someone to talk to if you're thinking suicidal thoughts. You can call 1-800-273-8255 if you're in the US or 116-123

in the UK. But hey, you paid for a roast of suicide. So let's do JK Rowling, who has very much committed career suicide with her turf war. JK Rowling has such enormous cheeks, you'd think that she'd use those oversized muscles to keep her fucking mouth shut.

It looks like two chicken leg quarters having an ass kicking contest. And side note, she looks like she chicken leg quarters having an ass-kicking contest. And side note, she looks like she puts on makeup with echolocation. Okay, Tom, how about childhood dreams? Oh, God.

Look, if your childhood dreams meant anything, we'd all be astronaut firefighters playing rock and roll in space and talking to dolphins. But kids are fucking stupid and they dream of the wrong things. Kids have dreams they're going to get some job or ride some talent in a way that the job will define them. Tom Curry, rock god, it will say under your name when you're interviewed,

except it won't. And not just because it's statistically unlikely. No, most of you will abandon your childhood dreams because one day you'll realize that you don't want those dreams anymore, that you had those dreams because you were a kid. And again, kids are fucking stupid. You'll replace the dreams where something you do defines who you are with dreams of a life filled with meaningful relationships, relationships with people and with work and with yourself. And you will abandon the dreams of childhood because as you mature, you'll understand that the path to real joy always leads back to yourself that and you're too fat to be an astronaut loser mostly the second thing all right keith aerodynamic stalls aerodynamic stalls fuck what wow okay well first of all fuck you whoever made me read about this and learn about

this apparently an airplane while flying you through the sky can just like stop working and stop flying if the body gets angled a little too much i was already skeptical about flying i don't think it's real but whatever bullshit they made up about thrust and lift and go fuck yourself. Now there's a very real counter spell that happens with like a 15 degree tilt

and pilots have to deal with this to make sure they safely deliver a metal tube of plague flying through the air. Flying is a fucking Ponzi scheme. I don't think it's real. But you can, aerodynamic stalls can kill you.

Man, it's like, it's like the social security system. That's weird. Meat eaters. Meat eaters are next. Meat eaters. Meat eaters are like if people who picked their nose

and ate it couldn't stop bragging about how amazing boogers taste. Like, I know, I know. It's probably bad for me. Like, I guess people don't like it, but then I wouldn't get the sweet, salty crunch of those little blobs of joy in my mouth face.

So, yeah. They're not bad for you. Gam's doodly-doos, whatever that means. I don't know what that means. Oh, those are jokes that we already made earlier in the show, but in skit form, Cecil. Brutal. Brutal.

That was harsh. Because sometimes you need to take a break from the recorded and advanced show. And without the doodly-doos, we would have to remember the last thing we said using nothing but our memories, the fact that the show is scripted, and the fact that it's recorded. Excellent. Whoever chose to have Eli roasted there, lovely. And Cecil, this one's for you.

I was actually going to do this one myself, but I couldn't pick the right words. You know what I mean? So, let's see if you can give us a roast for choice paralysis. Can there be a more privileged and bullshit anxiety than choice paralysis? You can't make a mistake when you're choosing the color of a Kleenex box, man.

In the time it's taken you to decide the trolley's already killed all six fucking people. If you were Sophie, youey's already killed all six fucking people. If you were Sophie, you would have already given up and asked the waiter to pick one of your kids in the kitchen and surprise you. That is a fucked up sequel. The original was so lighthearted.

Lastly, I don't know. It's not lastly, but Tom, how about the concept of abstraction? All right. Abstraction deals with ideas rather than events, which is great if you happen to find yourself locked in Plato's cave. Except even there, it's kind of fucking tedious because if I were there locked up next to you, I'd rather we spent our time trying to get the fuck out of that cave. That's the problem with abstraction. It's a first step confused with the conclusion. Let me put this more plainly. All we are is meat, your mind, your thoughts,

everyone you love, everything that has ever mattered is an interaction of physical beings in the world. Divorce yourself from events and exist in spaces lacking physicality means that those moments quite literally lack substance. Abstraction is being stuck. It's intellectual training wheels. It's the first step in a journey that lacking body has no weight or merit. Abstraction is less than masturbation. It lacks purpose and climax. It's all foreplay. It's intellectual blue balls and it's for cowards. Okay. okay well let's mix it up a bit this next round of roasts i got a special challenge for you i'd like you to phrase your roast in the form of a backhanded compliment noah you're first do you have anything nice to say

about george's desk i do but i just want to point out beforehand that basically tom's roast just now was the same as Eli's math ate all the poopy poops roast. It's just different wording, but it's basically the same thing. I just wanted to point that out. So, hey, George, great job hiding your desk. I mean, holy shit, dude, that's

impressive. It truly is. Yes, there's no single uncluttered surface, nor is there a surface that could theoretically become uncluttered within the span of a single human lifetime. But if the fate of the world is ever hanging on our species' ability to speed assemble a steampunk pedicure robot with huffing glue, it'll all have been worth it.

Okay, Heath, nicest thing you can say about Niels' father, Todd. Okay. Todd. Yeah, no, nicest thing you can say about Neil's father, Todd. Okay. Todd. Yeah, no, you're looking good. That homophobic St. Paddy's Day parade did need a geriatric soccer team, so great job putting that together

and being the captain. All right. Cecil, I got a hard one for you. What compliment do you have for John's Aunt Martha? I had no idea they added the final boss Karen hair on the Supercuts. And I mean, it really highlights the thickness of your face. Because without it, you just look like a thumb wearing a wig. And now you look like a swollen thumb wearing a wig.

Nice. Eli, you're up next. You got a compliment for the Christian punk band Crash Dog. Amazing. Crash Dog. Google image these guys, by the way, because it is, it's a good name because here's what's awesome.

When you hear your name and then you hear Crash Dog's music, I think, yep, this music is better than hearing a car hit my dog. It's good anchoring. Good for you guys. And by the way, yes, now that I've Googled you,

you do look awesome. I know people tell you otherwise, but henchman for a spy kid's villain? That's an underused look. Don't know people tell you otherwise, but henchman for a spy kid's villain? That's an underused look. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Tom, Steve would like to hear a big old compliment for Eli's parenting skills. All right.

Well, I think Eli is actually going to make a great dad. From the way Anna takes care of him, he'll certainly have no trouble identifying with being the child. Oh, shit. Surely, though, Eli's probably got plenty of chops as a parent.

He spits up anytime he tries to eat anything. He shits uncontrollably. So they're going to have plenty of things to bond over. Honestly, though, I have nothing but confidence that Eli will be

a truly remarkable parent so long as he doesn't try to teach Max how to spell. I actually don't think many kids in the world will ever be so well-loved as Eli's. Oh, well, you stole most of that first part from my wife's father's date post, so.

All right, last group of roasts are for the big spenders. The folks who shelled out major cash for us to kick some ass. So anyone who wants to jump in here, feel free. All right, why don't you start us off, Cecil, with a roast of Daniel's twin brother, Sean. Okay, wait. You're identical twins?

He's a foot shorter than you? How is that possible? He looks like Joel Osteen if he lost everything and had to shop at Brooks Brothers. Should probably listen to your brother, you know, when he warns you about your terrible relationship. Seems like he's got a good bird's eye view of the situation. Judging by this picture, so would a 14-year-'s got a good bird's eye view of the situation. Judging by this

picture, so would a 14-year-old with a growth spurt. Jesus, can we talk more about your wrecked nipples here? Thank you so much. What are you thinking about? How your ex makes you wear nipple clamps when you write out an alimony check? Like, what the fuck is going through your head?

Dude, you look like if the catchphrase for Men's Warehouse was, nobody will remember how you head. Dude, you look like if the catchphrase for Men's Warehouse was nobody will remember how you look. Okay, he's got one for you here. Ricardo would like a roast of Tucker. Fantastic choice, Ricardo. Tucker Carlson,

I don't know how he does this, but he somehow looks like somebody just like always explained to him how the international date line works and he doesn't get it and he's confused tucker carlson looks like the first racist turn of the century ghost that figured out how to eat other ghosts tucker carlson sounds like a sex act with the

lights off a hole in the sheet and a a lot of crying. Okay, Eli. Rain wants a roast of Severus Snape. Do your worst. Oh, Severus Snape is fucking garbage. I'm sorry. Your entire motivation for seven books is, I wanted to fuck your mom, but she said no. That's your tragic

backstory and your reason to Etra for being mean to an 11-year-old? That's like every character. Have you seen how old 11 year olds are? They're 11, man. What are you, fucking Mark McGrath, you creepy, slimy, bad teacher, bad wizard,

bad human? I am glad you died as you made other people live trapped in a cage with an unwanted phallic metaphor. He's the good guy. I've only seen the movies, but Snape looks like Trent Reznor before he got his GNC sponsorship. Okay, Noah, this next one is

perfect for you. Daniel donated $300 for you to roast any taxation without representation person. Yeah, you know, weird how those people are never invoking the phrase to argue that felons should be exempt from payroll deductions. Fucking eight-year-olds shouldn't have to pay sales tax, right? The people who Daniel are talking about bringing up

because A, they don't agree with every single goddamn tax imposed by their state, and B, they're only able to hold information in their heads long term if it fucking rhymes. So just a quick piece of advice to the deep thinkers in Daniel's life. If your political philosophy fits on a bumper

sticker, that's where it belongs. Taxation without representation people all say the bull is cashed before it actually is. Totally cashed. No, it's done. And finally, Tom, Jesse donated $225

for us to roast their friend Jedediah. All right. Jedediah is a hyper-religious mentor. It's something Jesse called a religious alternative college. I have so many questions. First, I'm going to go right ahead and say,

I didn't know Jebediah was a real name. I guess the children of the corn have to grow up sometime, but fucking wow. What in the fuck does a mentor at a religious alternative college even do? What does alternative college mean? Look, if you're not college, just be not college. I get that.

Like, what is this? A bunch of inbred knuckle draggers want to pretend the dinosaurs all died because one time it rained too much? So what? What do you need a mentor for to not learn stuff? Is that hard? You can't do that on your own? Jesus Christ. Jebediah shares his

Facebook account also with his wife, Kelly. They're Jebediah and Kelly. Guarantee that's not all they're sharing. Guarantee. But Jesse, there's a solution for guys like Jebediah and Kelly. One click of block and they are instantly erased.

They are eradicated to the dustbin of your own forgetting. Put people that don't matter where they belong, Jesse, where they put themselves on a back burner so far away, you forget they were ever there. Okay. Well, that wraps up another

session. We always have to end with Tom for some reason. I don't know why we do this. I don't know why they do this to ourselves, but anyway. For the joy of it. It's for the joy. Thanks so much for joining us, guys. Thanks for coming on. We'll see you guys soon. Thanks for some reason. I don't know why we do this. I don't know why they do this to ourselves, but anyway. For the joy of it. It's for the joy. Thanks so much for joining us, guys. Thanks for coming on. We'll see you guys soon. Thanks for having us. Thanks, guys. So we want to thank our patrons. Of course, we want to thank all our patrons. We want to thank our newest patrons,

Zane, Lexi, Simon, Nick, Jesus Loves a Little Chit, wait a minute, Abigail, Zi, Simon, Nick, Jesus Loves a Little Chit, wait a minute, Abigail, Zada, Douglas, something stupid, and people who upped their pledges, Alan, Oliver, Toast, Alex Travaganza,

Daniel, BT, Imposing Beam, Karen, Emily, Totes Not a Ninja, Ben Torin, John Perry, Magat Exterminator. Wow. Jesus. Richard, Patrick, Vincent, Benjamin, Jean-Francois, Dr. Bill, Diana, Amy, Joe, Candice, and Krista. Thank you so much for your generous donations. We are back in the studio, And Krista, thank you so much for your generous donations. We are back in the studio,

back with internet woes, back with bills we have to pay. And you guys are the ones who keep this show running and we cannot thank you enough. Both Tom and I are still tiptoeing along, hoping we come in underneath the radar enough so we don't get fired. And we just appreciate everybody. During this time of leanness

that everyone is experiencing, we genuinely appreciate the outpouring of support. You guys keep this show running and we can't thank you enough. Got a bunch of messages we want to bounce through here because we didn't miss some last week. We had a pretty good response to what we did last week. A couple people said they really enjoyed it.

We didn't get a ton of messages, but we got some. We thought it was a good conversation to have. We're hoping to have some more deep dives in the future. Got a message from a while ago, episode 530. Martin wanted us to know that I

had misspoke. So I said the Articles of Confederation when I was talking about the rules for slavery in the Confederacy. He's right. It wasn't the Articles of Confederation when I was talking about the rules for slavery in the Confederacy. He's right. It wasn't the Articles of Confederation. I think it was the Confederate Constitution

or something like that where they essentially go through and say you can't outlaw slavery in any of these states. And then there's also plenty of other writings that show that the Confederacy

was all about slavery 100%. That's what the main cause was. Absolutely. The lost cause of the Confederacy was all about slavery 100%. That's what the main cause was. Absolutely. The lost cause of the Confederacy literally is a lie. They were not about states' rights. They were about states' rights to own people. That's what they were about. If you want to check out Lost Cause,

there's a Citation Needed episode about that that you guys might get a kick out of too. So it was a correction for me as well. So I want to acknowledge that. Dick Cheney did not invent the executive order. Executive orders date back to 1789. So yeah, absolutely. I did not mean to imply that he invented executive orders, but what Dick Cheney did do was come up with the unitary executive theory. And the unitary executive theory expanded a power under the executive branch pretty dramatically by basically saying that the

president controls the entire executive branch. And that means that Congress cannot tell the president what to do or how to do it. And that expansion, that unitary executive theory expansion allowed for executive orders to be issued at a greater number and over a greater number of topics. So I wasn't clear on that and I apologize. We got a message from Aaron and he sent us a KKK image, which we will be posting on this week's show notes. This is episode 532.

We got a message from Steph and Steph said, hey guys, my uncle was a Confederate brigadier general. He's got a statue. Fuck the iconography. Fuck the bullshit slavery worshipers. Fuck that bullshit. Tear my fucking, tear down the statue of my uncle.

Probably a great uncle at this point. Why protect somebody that did bad things just because they happen to be related to you six generations back or some shit. That's crazy. That is crazy me yeah like you shouldn't hero worship those fucking losers get rid of them right fuck them we got somebody on twitter sent us a message they were a fucking uh they were listening to us and they're they're they they work in museums and deal with statues all the time and they're like you're 100 Fucking, you don't learn anything from a statue. Fuck off.

Tear it down. You learn from the person who's going to tell you about the statue. Right? And I wouldn't mind if there was fucking publicly available bunch of everybody who shows the statue to be like, no, this is a racist bullshit statue. But they're never depicted like that. They're always depicted

as like, look at how fucking proud this guy is in his proud dress work. And look, he's got his sword held up high and he's super proud about all the work he did to enslave people. Like, fuck that guy. Fuck him and fucking running. Free of context and information,

a statue is like, where statues like imply heroism. So I want to play this. This is, somebody sent this to us. This is Donald Trump. And he's talking about totalitarianism. And we want to play it. We want to play this. Somebody sent this to us. This is Donald Trump, and he's talking about totalitarianism, and we want to play it here for you. One of their political weapons is cancel culture,

driving people from their jobs, shaming dissenters, and demanding total submission from anyone who disagrees. This is the very definition of totalitarianism. Of what is it again? Of what, Cecil? It's anti-disestablishmentarianism. It's all to Ron, to Ron, to Rex. To Ron, to Ron.

Good for you, buddy. Good for you, buddy. Good for you, buddy. Way to go. Someone sent us a song of Alex Jones and he's singing because people, when he said,

I'll eat your ass, they memed it. And this to me, I talked to Tom earlier. It's a song about him saying he's going to eat somebody's ass like corn cobs is what he said.

And I got to say, one of the things that this proves to me is that he just leans into shit. He leans into the meme. He's leaning into it to get popularity. He's like, no, I'll fucking eat your leftist ass like corn cob. I'll do it. And so he's going out of his way to meme himself to gain popularity, which shows me that he's not 100% genuine. He knows what sells. You got to lean in to really get that ass too. You know what I mean? You do. To get it like a corncob? Hell yeah, you do.

You got to get in there. No one's eating ass without a little like, you got to just fucking commit to that. Someone's got to be backing up at the same time, so there's got to be a little, there's pressure on the quads. You've got to get into that mule stance. You know what I mean? Talking about legal brothels, a couple of weeks ago, Matt sent a message, Matt number one sent a message in, and I just want to read this part of it. He said, so he tried a legal brothel,

went out of his way just for curiosity. And he said, the most boring encounter of my life. I've had more satisfying shits. Don't get the appeal at all. Cross off the bucket list, but seriously, transactional sex is bad. Look, buddy, when you look like I do, every sex is transactional. So don't you be putting this down. That's how it works.

Got a message from Kernan. It's an image for a movie, a Trump movie, which is very funny. We're going to post it on this week's show notes. Got a message from someone who wanted to say, again, this is just an email, so I don't want to read who it is, but they wanted to say that they were sex trafficked as children, and they also said

that boys get sex traffic too. And we did spend a lot of time on girls, but you're absolutely right. Boys get sex traffic too, and it's an issue that we should be paying attention to as well. It doesn't, it doesn't matter, gender, whatever's gender, it doesn't matter. Whoever's getting sex trafficked,

it's important to pay attention to. Every time. We also got a message from Wolfwing who said, he just doesn't know if he can take four more years of Trump and very great, powerful, and best. I know. Those words are garbage words now. Man, what the fuck?

What the fuck? All right. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We want to thank, of course, the Scathing Atheist Citation Needed guys, Noah, Heath, and Eli for joining us today for a little vulgarity for charity.

A lot of fun. We want to keep rolling these things out until we're done. They're great folks and they have a ton of other podcasts. So if you want to check out their podcasts, you can go to Citation Needed. CitationPod.com

has all their other podcasts listed. It's pretty easy to go to. But that's another one of their podcasts that we do with them. If you haven't checked out Citation Needed, you should. A lot of fun. We always have a lot of fun on that show. But we want to thank them for coming on, hanging out with us, and doing another episode of Citation Eater.

You can check out us on their show. This last Thursday was released, Scathing Atheists. So you can check us out on their show doing another round of Vulgarity for Charity. So if you're waiting for your roast, it may have appeared in that episode. So that's going to wrap it up for this week.

Be sure to join us for our live streams, 9 p.m. Central, YouTube, Twitch, etc., etc. And we have a lot of fun on them. So take a moment out of your evening. Come join us. Hang out with us. Interact with us. We have a lot of fun. We'll catch you guys next week, though. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil

and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative acupunctuating, pressurized stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox,

reflex, foot massage, death and towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespespeak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

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