Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 533: The Birds

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

Stories from the Week

Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. I don't even care if this is fucked. I'm like, you know, don't even care. You care.

I do care. Fuck. You can't help it because we are recording Dispersed. Oh, man. Yeah, buddy. I was in the studio last week, though.

You were. I know. All right. That's what sucks is I was fucking there last week and then how many weeks one week one week i was one week one week recording from home again mother fuck you glory hole studios is an idea it's a concept it's a platonic ideal. Wouldn't that be a great Plato's glory hole? Wouldn't that be great?

Oh, God. That's what we need. We need a shirt that says Plato's glory hole. That's kind of what the cave is, right? Where he's looking at the side. He's just sort of imagining something it's not, right? He doesn't know what's happening on the other side of the wall. There's totally a lady on the other side. He doesn't know what's happening on the other side of the world. That's totally a lady on the other side.

He doesn't know what's going on on the other side of the world. It is a glorial. It is a glorial. That's right. Holy shit. It took us that long to figure out Plato was talking about a glorial. I quit the show, Tom. You're going to have to turn your degree back in, buddy.

Oh, man. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. It's a total shit show.

And there is no welcome my cat in the background is fucking screeching it's the fucking worst this sucks so bad all right guys so as you could tell uh episode 533 here has not gone smoothly from the start and if you want to find out why if you want to know why this episode is not because i'm not gonna come not covering it now i'm not talking about it now you need to tune in to the last week's live stream we're gonna talk about it then i'm gonna bottle my anger for the next hour and a half until we go on live and then i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna take a shit on this computer live i'm just gonna i'm gonna fucking so if you want to see me get angry and see tom

get angry you need to go back and watch that live stream because that's where the real juice is we're not gonna cover that we can't we can't we're gonna be angry about other stuff this episode i can't imagine what we'd be angry about i'll tell you what i'll be angry about other stuff this episode. I can't imagine what we'd be angry about. I'll tell you what I'd be angry about starting off. I'm starting off. I'm starting off. What really grinds your gears? What the fuck is with the... Did you see this week?

That douchebag with the Goya and his daughter holding the Goya can. Oh my God. Did you see her? Did you see... So I'm talking about Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump. I guess Goya came out in support of Donald Trump. And so a bunch of people said we should boycott them because you should never support that.

Because if you support garbage, what do you put in your cans? You know, like what is inside of your food if you support garbage? So everybody said we should boycott him and they said, ah ha ha, Goya's with us. And she's holding a can of Goya like Vanna

White or like a woman who's never opened a can before in her life. That's what it looks like. Does food come in this cylinder? Do the poor people eat the food? Do they eat the cylinder too? She's trying to bite the label off. She's not like a beaver.

She's just like, oh, my teeth are too delicate to be poor. Jesus Christ. Seriously, though, didn't she look like she's never touched a piece of canned food in her life? Honestly, can you imagine why in the world would she? Why would she? You're right. Why in the world? Do you remember when Trump was campaigning,

they're like, how much do you think a gallon of milk costs or whatever? And he's like, I don't know, $900 or something. Yeah, he didn't even know how much a gallon of milk costs. And then he was like, and then they were like, he said something like, you know, when you need your ID to buy groceries at the grocery store. Grocery store ID? You've never been to a grocery store. Sircery store ID? You've never been

to a grocery store. Sir, you cannot buy this Goya. You need an ID. Oh, man. But the one thing that- Pintos Negros. I'm going to have to

check your ID, sir. The one thing though, Tom, that happened was that they post with this stuff. And then I saw a bunch of posts where everybody is saying, Tom, that, that happened was, is that they post with this stuff. And then I saw a bunch of posts where everybody is saying, oh my God, that's breaking at the cross. And I'm thinking,

what has stopped him up till now? He hasn't had his foot on the fucking brakes yet. What is stopping him from this? It's, it is. Yes. Like what? It is a clear violation of like there are ethics rules it says like that like no no politician can use his or her office to

endorse any privately owned product right like because of course we want that because like fucking you know no duh right like absolutely it's it's just like what yes american politics has rolled its way all the way back to no duh yeah like but even we're in a place where it's like somebody was like should we write it down and everybody in the room was like yeah no man no one's gonna do that shit it's like you know what i'm gonna write it down just just let me write it down i'll just i'll sleep better tonight fine look man you do you we're gonna go out and get lunch like you fucking meet us over at fucking o'doul's or whatever like we're out and someone wrote it down and they didn't even need to because it's so self-evidently like unexcept and it's just like now that happens and people are just like

okay yeah but like we ignored when he was grabbing women's pussies so like ah we don't really care about the going out i thought first week in office he did this i thought i remember yeah i did something someone holding up a purse or him tweeting out a a thing that endorsed somebody's purse he was endorsing his wife's clothing line yeah his wife's clothing line so like the idea that i mean he did it from the very beginning. So whether or not he's holding up a Goya can now is irrelevant. He's already, you know, we're going to start talking about ethics problems. Let's skip the canned food. I know.

Like, he endorses his own brands, his own companies. And like, he's been doing it since the beginning. and we're just like, oh, look, there are bigger fish to fry. And we can't even fry those. Every year at my work. You know why we can't fry them? Because they're not in Goya. Goya.

Delicious. Delicious Goya. Black beans. Black beans. Chickpeas. You can make hummus. Anyway, every year at my work, we have to fill out a conflict of interest form. And it's this big, long thing.

And it's an ethics form we have to fill out. It's like 35 questions long. Jesus. And it ranges all over the place. But there's always a question on there about whether or not you can hire your brother to tile a room or something at our business. And you're not allowed to unless you fill out a specific thing that says, I have a conflict of interest in this.

If we hire this person, I just need you to know that he's my brother or something, that there's some sort of nepotism going on here. And it's so funny that I work and I get paid a lot less and have a lot less power than the president of the United States. And I have to sign something that says, no, I'm not a crook. But he doesn't have to sign something like that at all. Well, did you see what they announced this week, too? I got to talk. Did you hear their campaign of advice to the unemployed?

Did you hear what they called it? Yeah, it's get something new. Find something new. It's literally so the White House, CBS White House campaign advice to the jobless, find something new. You should find

something new. Can you? Some unemployed person is like, why did I think of that? The old thing obviously fired me. I don't know why I didn't find something new. All I needed was Ivanka Trump to give me the opportunity

to find myself in this COVID epidemic. I love that it's Ivanka who's got her job through nepotism. And she's just like, I don't know if it doesn't work out, like get a different dad or whatever. What I love is, what I love is, Ivanka is two steps into nepotism.

She has her dad and then she has an ultra rich husband, right? So she has 100% protected her whole life. She actually doesn't need a job, right? She could live as just Ivanka Trump. Look at her on the beach. That's her job, right? That could literally be her job. She doesn't have to do it, but she does.

Instead, she just advises the United States on foreign policy somehow for some reason. Now that you say that though, like she's taking jobs from people that need them. She doesn't even need the job. It's like she's like looking at a fucking homeless person

being like, I have two houses. I've never even been to one of them. Fuck you. And just like eating food and puking it in front of them. Just like, what the fuck? She ceremoniously lights the house she's never been to on fire.

I love how privileged that shit is. You know what? It's not even insured and I don't care. Wump. I love how privileged that is, man. It's so fucking privileged it's ridiculous.

Find something new. Fuck off. There's one more thing I want to talk about that came out this week. There was a huge interview of Mary Trump. She wrote a book

and it got released because Trump couldn't keep it under wraps. He tried to sue. I don't know if you saw this. There was all that. Yeah, yeah. He tried to sue

to keep it under wraps and he couldn't and it came out and a bunch of people talked to her and I saw her interview on Rachel Maddow and let me just tell you, it was the most predictable,

uninteresting interview I've ever seen because all she's doing is repeating what everybody sees every single day over and over and over again. And one of the things that she said specifically was they ask her, so has your dad ever or your uncle ever used the N-word or anti-Semitic slurs? And she said, yeah. And everybody's going crazy in the media about it. And I think, well, you didn't know that? You didn't think he's used the N-word before in private? I mean, come on.

He created a whole apartment complex where he specifically went after black people, where he made it so they couldn't come to his apartment complex you think he's an equality minded dude yeah this is a guy who's upset that the homeless are sleeping in nice places like you're sleeping in our nice foyers outside how dare like you're littering you're littering the places that rich people don't want to have to step over your sadness. Like this is not somebody who cares about other people. Right. Exactly. At all. At all. It's not a newsflash. It's not a newsflash. Like none of the things that she's saying, at least from what I saw, none of those things were a newsflash. Yeah. It's from a different source, but it's all stuff we know.

It's all stuff we understand. Like, you know how Trump acts and how he treats other people. There is, you know, some anecdotes that come out of it that you might not have heard before. But for the most part, you know how it is. You know what he's like. Yeah. This is a guy who just this week was like, when asked about like police brutality directed against the black community was like, well about like police brutality directed against the black community was like well the cops kill white people too and more of them and you're just like okay you don't give a shit yeah yeah like you don't give a shit about this and he was just like no yeah i don't give a shit about this because my base doesn't give a shit about this all these

flag waving fucking boat driving yokels in florida do not give a shit about this. All these flag-waving fucking boat-driving yokels in Florida do not give a shit about this topic. Not at all. Not a bit. And it's so funny, too, because when you say, well, they kill more white people, then the answer shouldn't be, oh, okay, then that's fine. The answer should be, well, then we should be outwaged, too. You know?

Yeah, well, like, everybody should be outraged at police brutality. But also it's like, all right, well, they kill more white people. Well, I mean, black people are only 14% of the population. So like if it were equal, an equal distribution of brutality would be about 14% of the brutality. But it is not. Like on percentage terms, it like doesn't shake out. And that's part of the problem, right? It's disproportionate to

the population of individuals, which means they're being unfairly fucking targeted. Right. Exactly. But it's like, he doesn't give a shit. He's just like, whatever. I don't give a fuck. Like next fucking question. What other awful, awful shit can I do? I don't give a fuck. Like next fucking question. What other awful, awful shit can I do? Aren't you Karen? Your name's Karen too, right? I'm also Karen, but as a silent P. Well, my name's Karen with a C because I don't freaking care how you spell yours.

Oh, you think you're such Karens, huh? They think they're such Karens. Why don't you freaking prove it? Unlike your vaccinated kids, mine never get sick. Dude, the Karens are out of control. I'll tell you what. This is from WTVR.com, Channel 6 in Richmond, Virginia. Woman who refused to wear a mask wants half of $100,000 donated to Starbucks Barista.

So here's the deal. This woman goes into a Starbucks not wearing a mask. And the dude behind the counter is like, you have to wear a mask. And she flips shit, takes his picture, and then tries to shame him on social media. And it backfires horribly. It backfired just unbelievably. It just exploded. It fucking detonated in her face.

And somebody was like, you know what? That guy deserves a tip. I'm going to start a GoFundMe. They raised $100,000 for that barista that she tried to shame. And now she's like, I want half of that money because I was shamed for shaming him. You shamed me? You played the fucking reverse Uno card on me when I was shaming. That's not fair.

I called dibs on that shame. She totally tried to shame him. Then it backfired. Now she wants the money. It reminds me of that scene from Casino where he's like, you only exist out here because of me. And it's so funny because he wouldn't have $100,000

if it wasn't that he was treated shitty on his job, right? If he wasn't treated shitty at his job. And what I absolutely love is so often you'll see these GoFundMes and someone will say, yeah, they've donated a bunch of money, but I'm donating a bunch of money to charity. This guy's like, I'm going back to school. Fuck you.

He's piecing out of his job. He's fucking throwing a match behind him, lighting a fucking Starbucks on fire as he runs toward his dreams of being a dancer. Good for you, bro. Good for you, man. You had a shitty day at work. Good for you. That's awesome. And then like my favorite, the next two favorite parts of the story is then she says, well, I had a medical exemption. And then her medical exemption is basically like something to do with her ovarian cysts or some shit. What?

And then mask acne and a note from a chiropractor. Where was she putting the mask if her ovarian cysts were having problems? I have no idea. It's not actually. So one of her notes that she provided, I'm sorry. Let me read it because I was a little mistaken. To prove her medical exemption, one is a pelvic exam from 2015 with results

that say probable exophytic fibroid arising from the anterior wall of the uterus. So forgive me. Where are you wearing the mask? And a simple ovarian cyst. It's not a thaw. What are you doing? You know where you breathe from and fuck from.

When they say breathe from your diaphrag right like they're yeah when they say breathe from your diaphragm they're not talking about that yeah so and then the second piece of paper was a handwritten note with letterhead from a san diego chiropractor that she asked not be named and the note said amber has underlying health condition or breath conditions that prevent her from wearing a mask or any type of facial covering. Then when they called that chiropractor, he said he wouldn't talk about it. Then when they said, well, why did you get it from a chiropractor? She said, because they're dedicated to providing non-invasive personalized care and treatment.

They are real doctors. No, they're not. If they're real doctors, they'd be a real doctor. We have a degree for that already. It's called real fucking doctor, right? We just make it up. What I love, too, is she has a medical condition that requires her from wearing a mask.

Yeah, she's a fucking total bitch. That's her medical condition. That's why she had to show her cooter papers in order to prove it, right? What is this? Can we talk about masks for five minutes? Yeah, let's do it. Just how fucking hard is it to put a goddamn mask on your face?

I mean, seriously, you know, we could restart. They're talking right now about how you can basically restart a ton of shit right now. You can do, you can basically restart a ton of shit right now. You can go out to, in Chicago, they're making sure that stores you wear masks, but if you go out to dinner and you're outside and even inside, they space you far enough apart supposedly to have a dinner and the servers and all the people, wait staff, they wear masks, but you don't have to wear one. We're doing our best to try to make sure that we can continue life with this pandemic. Yeah, it's going to have a couple of snags. Yeah, it's not going to be exactly the same as life was

before. That's okay. We can get through it until we get a vaccine. Some really great vaccine news this week, by the way. They're starting this one company. It starts with an M, I forget what it's called. Yeah, they came up with it. They're at the third trial already. The second trial was very successful. And now they're looking at the third trial and they're looking to try to spin up a lot of these. And so there's some really good vaccine news that came out this week, which was really cool. So, you know, who knows? Might not have to wear a mask for even very long. And people still won't do it. Well, it's not, I get that wearing a mask is like annoying. But when I compare annoying against like, well, maybe someone's going to die. Like I'm willing to be annoyed.

You know what I mean? Right. And I'm willing to like let the economy restart. If I have to wear a mask, like if I can go get a massage, but I have to wear a mask, if I can go get a massage, but I have to wear a mask and the masseuse wears a mask. I got a massage this week. I showed up.

I had to wear a mask. The masseuse wore a mask, but I got to have a massage. Well, that's better than when I didn't get to have a massage because my back hurt. So I was like, all right, I got to have a massage.

And we both stayed safe. And this person got to be employed. This person doesn't have was like, all right, I got to have a massage and we got, we both stayed safe. And we, you know, this person got to be employed. This person doesn't have to like, hopefully struggle on unemployment. Like we, like we have to start the world back up. And like, if the ask to start the world back up is masks and they're fucking annoying, then it's annoying, but it's a lot less fucking annoying than stay in your house for an indeterminate amount of time and die of vitamin D deficiency,

you rickets-filled idiots. Like, what? There was a fucking story this week where some hairstylists had 139 clients they both met with, right? I read this. So these two hairstylists were infected. They both had COVID.

And they had 139 total clients. And everybody was wearing masks. And none of the clients got sick. Not a single one. You know, if that's the case, right? And let's say it's not even that effective. Let's say they were all lucky. Let's just say they were all lucky. You could even say that, right? You let's say it's not even that effective. Let's say they were all lucky. Let's just say they were all lucky.

You could even say that, right? You could just say, you know what? They were all lucky. It just so happens that, you know, maybe it might even be worse than that. But the fact that the mask mitigated even part of that would be worth wearing a mask for. Yeah, because again, the ask is like,

like the ask to wear a mask is like, that's a little annoying. Okay. Like we aren't willing to be annoyed as a country. Like we're not, like we're not willing. And that the answer by and large, by the way, is no, it's no. Like the answer is no. Like we are not willing to be annoyed.

There's 138,000 people that have died. Schools are shut down. Universities are shut down. 40 million people lost their jobs. And we're like. Universities are shut down. 40 million people lost their jobs. And we're like walking around like, well, I don't want to be annoyed. I want school to reopen. I want people to go back to work. I want like businesses to thrive. I want like the, like, and if all I have to do to get those things is I got to fucking stay a little further apart and wear a mask and we can be way fucking safer.

I'll wear a mask all day, you know, and at the end of the day, it won't even be annoying because I'll be grateful for the opportunity to be able to go get these services and send my kids to school. Yeah. Because like, I understand the goddamn reality of the situation. It doesn't mean that like, I always get things to be perfect.

Yeah. What's crazy to me, what's nuts to me is that, is that we're not willing to just wear this tiny piece of cloth and that it's somehow some sort of weird affront to your rights. Yeah, what? There's so many other things, seatbelts. You got to wear a shirt when you go into a place. You got to wear shoes when you go into a place. All these things that we do all the time unconsciously, we have to follow those rules. We follow all kinds of rules.

I can't go as fast as I want on the road, right? There's all these little rules that make up my life. I have to live in a society with other people. So I have to be inconvenient sometimes. Do I want to just drive as fast as I can to the studio and not pay attention to the lights? Of course I do. I want to get there as quickly as possible. I don't want to wait in traffic. I want to get

into the other oncoming lane and drive and make people stop for me. Sure. But I don't. I don't because I don't want to fucking inconvenience other people and I don't want to injure other people. But you know what? I could do that. I certainly could. It's within my rights to do it, right? As a human being, I have the free will to do it. But I would be rightfully arrested for it. I would be rightfully charged with a crime for it. And, you know,

the same thing goes here. Someone put a tiny limitation on your life and suddenly it's the biggest fucking drama in the world. Calm down. Wear the mask. It's not a big deal.

I got to wear one too. Right. And we all wear them like I got to wear one too. Right. And we all wear them. Like we get to have our cake, right? Like we have to move the mask aside to eat it, but we get to have our fucking cake. I will say like,

I did get a massage the other day. Right. So I'm, but I'm wearing a mask the whole time. And the masseuse, like I said, is wearing the mask the whole time. And like,

you finish up the massage and then like the masseuse, like hands, like hands me like this little cup of water like if you ever got a massage they always do it they always give you water after massage and I grabbed a cup of water and without thinking I brought it to my face and I was like oh I can't drink this through

a mask like I just like oh thank you and like rubbed it against my face basically like a fucking animal. Mwah! Ah, Emu's Broadcasting Company. Ah. Okay, this one, Cecil, I grabbed this one because the headline is my favorite headline. The headline is just, what the fuck is happening here? This is an actual headline from Web24.

Bolsonaro called his isolation from the coronavirus horrible and was shortly afterwards bitten by an emu laughter laughter oh good take that you fucker it's so great so and actually I saw that he got he still tested positive I saw it this morning so Bolsonaro is still

positive he said he's been feeling much better and he was looking forward to like testing negative to get out of isolation because He said he's been feeling much better and he was looking forward to like testing negative to get out of isolation because I guess he's really miserable in isolation. Good. That's good to hear.

Yeah. Turns out a lot of people are really fucking miserable when they get fucking COVID. And the only inconvenience that you have is isolation. You're not, I don't know, on a ventilator dying,

you fucker. Yeah, exactly. Well, well you know the fucking the this guy this guy has has followed the trump uh plan of action when it comes to the coronavirus we talked to natalia from brazil when she came on to talk about uh chloroquine yep and i don't know if you've noticed but chloroquine hasn't been making the rounds in much in any of the conversations we're still having about COVID. We haven't revisited the chloroquine discussion, but yeah, it hasn't been, it certainly hasn't been making a round since. But one of the things is that she was saying that Bolsonaro is essentially following the Trump plan, which is, you know,

following the Trump plan, which is, you know, don't do anything and it's a hoax and whatever. Yeah. And like 1.8 million people in Brazil have, 1.88 million, I'm sorry, have tested positive for COVID. So like it's the second worst country in the world, weirdly enough, following the same plan. Yeah. Oh, wow. Amazing how that's happening, right? So my favorite part of this article is like, he's like talking about like, oh, you know, once I get tested negative, I get to return to work.

You know, I'm really not enjoying this staying at home. And then the article, for no reason, just has two paragraphs that I've got to read. I don't know. Because everything else is about him and everything else is about COVID, right? I don't know where. While strolling through the residence gardens, Bolsonaro tried to feed a group of emus who were passing by. What?

Well, just first of all, there's just wild emus passing by. You see an 80-pound, six-foot, flightless bird walking by and you're like, well, I'll feed that. Do you have emu food in your pocket

for the off-chance circumstance that perhaps an emu might be coming by? There's few birds that scare the shit out of me. The ostrich and the emu. Fuck that. I am not a fan of any birds,

but those things can die in a fire and be roasted deliciously. Ostrich, by the way, that scare the shit out of me, the ostrich and the emu. Fuck that. I am not a fan of any birds, but those things can die in a fire and be roasted deliciously. Ostrich, by the way, is amazing. Have you ever had ostrich? Is it? Yeah, it's really good. I think I have had it. I've had ostrich a number of times.

It's really good. So try to feed a group of emus that were passing by. Can you, can you, before we continue. So ostrich, can you do a turkey with an ostrich, I wonder wonder can you stuff it like a turkey

and cook it it'd be a 20 or it'd probably be like a 30 or 40 pound bird i imagine i imagine bigger they're enormous yeah you know i don't know how much is in the legs um but yeah so i wonder it'd be hilarious too because at the legs you can't fit them in your oven because it's too long. So you shut the door. You got to fold the legs sideways. I would love to roast an ostrich. A whole ostrich, right? Just roast a whole. Oh my God, there's pictures of them.

A whole ostrich isn't roasted? Dude, you got it. You type in roast ostrich. It's amazing. Oh, I got to look it up. I wonder if you have to do it in a brick oven or something. Roast ostrich. It's amazing. Oh, I got to look it up. I wonder if you have to do it in a brick oven or something. Roast ostrich.

Holy shit. It's the second thing to come up to. Oh my God. Look at the size of these birds. It's enormous. Yeah, you have to cook it. This one guy's got like a, this one guy has like a pizza oven or whatever he's doing.

That's how you do it. It's just so big that another person's cooking it in the ground. There's no way you could cook it. It's too fucking big. God damn, that's a big goddamn bird. Oh, this guy's the ground. There's no way you could cook it. It's too fucking big. God damn. That's a big goddamn bird. Oh, this guy's stuffing it. He's got his whole arm in it.

He's in there. Jesus Christ. He's fisting this thing. He is saying hello to that. Wow. God, I want it. I want this. I want to roast it.

I know what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. I'm going to get an ostrich somehow and I'm going to fucking roast an ostrich. Tom, if you get an ostrich, you have to fight it to death. You have to beat it up. You have to beat it, ground and pound it until it dies and then you can eat it.

That would be the greatest video ever is you just get a live ostrich and wrestle it to death before it's like, you ever see the guy who punches the kangaroo in the face when he's got his dog? His dog gets caught.

Have you seen this? Yeah. Have you seen a dog gets caught and he just runs up and him and the kangaroo square off no shit square off and he kind of does a little one two and then he throws and he catches the kangaroo and it doesn't even phase the kangaroo the kangaroo is just sitting there flexing its giant upper body looking at him and he just kind of walks away it's like when you punch a bouncer at a club and the bouncer looks at you and just shakes his head that's what the

kangaroo did to the guy i got i used to when i was 18 or 19 i used to uh jog and so i was jogging and uh this uh german shepherd decided he wanted to attack me so like i I'm jogging along and I'm not even paying attention. I got earphones in, I'm jogging. And this great big giant German shepherd runs up and like jumps on me. And its face is like right in my face. It's like as big as I am, you know? And it's like, oh, it scared the Christ out of me.

So the thing's like, rah, rah, rah. It's like jaws are like in front of me. Without even thinking, I clocked that thing as hard as I could clock that thing. So I'm an 18-year-old boy, 19-year- year old boy i ball up my fist and as hard as i could hit this dog i punched this dog and the dog went off of me and then right back on me it was like i didn't do no shit i clocked this the dog was like no i was like i'm gonna get killed by this dog my first thought was like fuck dog punch dog was like and i'm like okay i lost i just lost like whatever happens next is just the

continuation of that saga how did she get out of it the homeowner came out like it was evidently outside weather and he came out and started yelling you punched my dog and i'm like your fucking dog is attacking me and And the dog was attacking me. And he came and got his dog and he was furious at me for punching his dog. Oh, God,

you should have punched him. What difference would it make? Like, it turns out, it's like, it's like, you punch him and he turns into a German shepherd

and it's like, punk. It's like, it was seriously, it's like one of those dreams you have where you're like, whoa. Yeah,

yeah. You're ineffective. Just like, yeah, that's actually my whole life. So, I was going to say yeah you're ineffective just like yeah that's actually my whole life so i was gonna say i was gonna say that's basically as i get older it gets more and more true each day uh well due to recent internet issues we're back to using dial-up hey who remembers the 90s? Well,

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hacking again. It's NBC. We comedy. Kenneth, it's we peacock comedy. You say the peacock. What? That's insane. Oh my God. So this is going to be a very bird-centric episode. It's a lot of birds, Tom.

You found a lot of birds. I found a lot of really great bird stories. This story is from San Francisco gate, sfgate.com. He has screamed relentlessly. Feral peacock divides Oakland neighborhood. Feral peacock. I love that imagery of a feral peacock. Have you heard what a peacock sounds like? Yeah, absolutely. They sound insane. They do. There was one that was at this resort I used to go to up in Wisconsin.

You know, maybe 10 years ago or so, I had friends who went up to this resort and I went up there as well. The resort, I use the words resort in the most loose sense of the word for Wisconsin, okay? So when I say resort, I don't mean what comes into your head. What I mean is a cabin in the woods that says resort on it.

That's what I mean. Like the last resort. That's pretty much it. It's the last resort. That's what it should have been called. Cecil, with our retirement money, can we open a shitty place and call it the last resort?

I know. Yeah, we have to. We have to now. We have to now, but we're both going to be seven weeks away from death when he retires. Because that's how it works. But yeah, they had this maybe five or six peacocks on the ground. And as you just be sitting there and they would just screech. They make sound they're like and you're just like what the fuck is that and they just scream and screech constantly and they are loud as so fucking loud god damn it sounds like it sounds like at 10 a.m on a tuesday the first tuesday of the month the tornado siren goes. They sound like one of those. They're unreal loud.

Can you play a clip of it? Let me see if I can find it. Jesus Christ. Listen to that thing. It's such a horrible sound. It sounds like someone killing a monkey. It doesn't sound good. It is a horrible sound. It sounds like someone killing a monkey. It doesn't sound good. It is a horrible sound.

When my grandparents had a peacock, a wild peacock or something that lived nearby where they were at. And my grandmother loved this thing. And my grandfather fucking hated that thing so much because of that. Hating birds runs in your family. It is, yeah. The men in the family are not bird lovers. We're just not. We don't have it in our hearts.

Right. We don't have it. We don't have it. So I fucking love it. The fucking community is divided. Wait, wait. To be honest, right now especially, this feral peacock is walking around the neighborhood

and some people love it, some people hate it. But I'll tell you, working from home, the tiniest noise make me crazy. I live in, I live in a condo, right? So on occasion, I don't know why they do this, but the people above us will, will take what sounds, what I think it is. I have no idea if that's what it is, but what it sounds like is, is if they have a bag of ice and you know, when you get a bag of ice from the store, it's frozen solid and then you have to bang it somewhere they bang it on the floor and so i hear a boom boom boom and it sounds like ice being banged on the ground and then it goes away and i feel that's what it sounds like it happens like maybe every third day

and and it it's only for 10 seconds but it's annoying as fuck if you're in the middle of something and you hear it so i couldn't imagine how annoyed I'd be if I had to deal with a fucking, a goddamn fucking peacock. I was going to call it a pelican. If I had to deal with a peacock the whole time. No, pelicans are garbage cans for the Flintstones. That's what they are. They're garbage cans.

They're caveman garbage cans. All you have to do is step on their foot and they open up. Exactly, yeah. I would roast this fucking thing. Again, I would eat the shit out of a peacock. Oh, absolutely. It's a big ass bird.

They used to eat them in medieval times all the time. Yeah, peahens and peacocks. There's all kinds of recipes and shit from Middle Ages shit. They have really pretty feathers. They do. I've got a watch with a peacock feather built into it. It's awesome. And I would eat the peacock it came from right now so as you wear your watch

it does it's little mating dance it moves around it's tail you can set the alarm to scream like that so it's just oh it's kill myself a clock thank goodness I was hoping I could get woken up by a banshee Oh, it's kill myself a clock. Hang on. Thank goodness. I was hoping I could get woken up by a banshee.

And soon her mate responds by singing, call, call, call. Come with me, lesbian seagull. Settle down and rest with me Fly high, lesbian seagull So this story comes from Cornwall Live. Man high on drugs, detained by police after biting seagull. So this dude... Steven Seagull?

In his jo-do? In his jo-do. seagull so this dude steven seagull in his jodo in his jodo that's a citation you need to get it so so there's this dude just like he's a homeless guy and he's got a mcdonald's burger or what have you and this fucking seaggel runs up and grabs his burger. So he grabs the Siegel and bites it. So I got to read this part because it's just just like it's such a man bites dog thing. What the fuck is happening?

A spokesperson for the team said they were working alongside other agencies dealing with a homeless man when they heard the nearby commotion. Plymouth Live understands the man,

a 26-year-old local, claimed he was being attacked for his McDonald's meal, and in response, he grabbed the bird and bit it. The police spokesperson told Plymouth Live, quote, he sunk his teeth into it before throwing it to the floor. How much rights do birds have? Seriously. So much if you're one of these seagulls if they arrested this guy it's illegal to fuck with seagulls really sky rats are protected these horrible horrible sky rats are protected how angry would you be if you were eating a burger

and a fucking seagull came up and took it away from you i'd be furious have you ever seen the videos where people will uh videotape people as they're walking because they know seagull came up and took it away from you. I'd be furious. Have you ever seen the videos where people will videotape people as they're walking because they know seagulls are in the area and people will have ice cream cones or they'll have something they're walking, some sort of street food and the seagull comes down and takes it and then just

disappears and people's face is always the same. It's always the same face. It starts out as shock, goes to surprise, goes to horror, and then goes to acceptance. It's like four stages of grief watching their food go away. My uncle, when I was 13 or 14, he took us crabbing. He lives out in Oregon. He took us crabbing out on the ocean. We're out there and we're just, we're throwing these crab pots in. And so we've got all this bait and, you know, string and all this stuff. And there's seagulls fucking just everywhere. Just seagulls are like

all over. Cause you like bait, like rises to the surface and stuff. And he's like, Oh, have you ever, you ever seen an alive kite? And I was like, what? And so he takes a little piece of bait and he ties it to a string and he throws it up in the air and a seagull grabs it and he just holds onto the string like it's a kite for a few seconds and the seagull is flying around and he's like,

oh, it's like an alive kite. He's like letting some of the line play out and then eventually the seagull drops it and then like, you know, it goes back. Yeah, the seagull doesn't swallow it. It tries to bite it. It realizes it.

Right, yeah. So he's like, yeah, we could play a live kite if we're bored and just throw shit in the air and then flies a seagull doesn't swallow it. It tries to bite it. It realizes it. It realizes it, right, yeah. So he's like, yeah, we could play a live kite if we're bored. You just throw shit in the air and it flies a seagull. And I don't think that's very ethical at all, but it was hilarious. I think that's not ethical either. But I'll tell you what, I'd be fucking furious too if a god, especially when you're sitting down and you're like,

oh man, I'm going to enjoy this burger. This is so good. And then you go to bite it and a seagull just swoops by and takes your fucking burger whose response is to bite the seagull though you're like I was gonna bite the burger I'm biting something motherfucker give me the seagull

admittedly he kind of ratcheted up his response a little the seagull's just like whoa that escalated quickly I love the idea that he just grabs this big-ass fucking bird and puts his face near it. Would you put your face near a seagull's beak for any reason? Much less bite a dirty-ass seagull. What the fuck is going through your mind?

It's a simple question. Where's Ben? And there's only one answer. At the beach with his family, doing what he loves. Seagull busting. All right, so this story comes from Huffington Post.

It's just fucking seagulls, guys. It's seagulls all the way down. Seagulls drunk from eating flying ants may pose a danger to humans. Quote, there's been a massive emergence of the ants over the last three days. They're like little treats for the gulls. They're like M&Ms to them. So this is 2020, guys. Listen to this sentence.

This is the most 2020 sentence ever. Britons have been warned to stay alert to an unusually high number of seagulls tripping on acid after eating flying ants. What? What now? Experts say this week's hot weather has caused a mass emergence of the insects, which

seagulls like to eat despite it affecting their cognitive behavior. Doctor whoever the fuck says the ants contain formic acid, which can cause the eagles to appear drunk and lose their inhibitions after eating them. I'm sorry, were seagulls inhibited birds?

Were they this dainty, like, oh, we're ever so polite as seagulls? Because a moment ago, one of them just got his ass chewed literally for stealing a burger. How on earth do they act while they're tripping balls that's what i'm wondering like we're in a world right now cecil where it's so hot that there's too many flying ants so the seagulls are tripping balls on them while they're eating your hamburger this is is 2020. The only solution evidently is to bite

the seagulls. It's because it's warm. Speaking of global warming, did you see Biden's plan for global warming? Did you see that come out this week? His $2 trillion plan, yeah. $2 trillion plan. That's good. That's good news. Because I was actually very worried about his stance on climate change. It felt like he was a little soft on it. I don't know if any of that stuff's going to actually make it anywhere. Because that's the difficulty, right?

Is that when I was talking about Bernie, Bernie was just going to signing statement that, or whatever, executive order that shit in. He was just going to say, fuck it, we're doing it, period. Sorry, there's no vote on it. So there might be some difficulty if you can't have either of that, if you can't have, I guess, the Senate. But yeah, so that's an extensive plan. It's encouraging. I got to say, the other thing that came out too this week, they're talking about, uh, Trump was down in Texas for the first time in, what'd they say?

40 years, a Democrat was leading in the polls and not just a, a random poll. This was like a large poll that they did. Yeah. Texas is now a swing state. Like Texas. Who would have thought that? You know, I actually, we've talked about this before, though.

Like, Texas, like all the urban centers, you know, all of the urban centers are blue. It's just that Texas is so geographically enormous

that the rural counties outnumber the, and that's unusual. Yeah, there's so many. Usually, if a state has that many big cities, I mean,

there's a fair amount of big cities in Texas. Usually, if a state has one or big cities, I mean, there's a fair amount of big cities in Texas. Usually if a state has one or two decent sized cities, it's going to carry blue. Sure. It's just that Texas is the size of like three regular states. Yeah. So it's nuts, man.

In Illinois, that's not even close. Right, no. It's not even close. And Illinois, the only parts that are blue are Chicagoland for, and not all of Chicagoland either. I mean, some of Chicago, Chicago itself and a couple of the more liberal cities around are blue. And then Peoria, I think is close, but blue. And then Bloomington, I don't think is or is very close to being red.

And then Champaign-Urbana is blue because it's a college town. I think Springfield is as well. Yeah, Springfield is too. It's pretty much the colleges. But Springfield is de minimis. It's a small city in comparison to the rest of the place, you know?

So, yeah, so it's, but the rest of the place. You know? So, yeah. So it's, but the rest of the state can't hold a candle to the areas that are not even close. It gets, they get crushed. And that's more like

other places. Because especially if you were able to turn Indiana blue, it would be because of Indianapolis. Right? It would be because of Gary. It wouldn't be because of- Yeah, it would be that northwest Indiana corridor and right? It would be because of Gary. It wouldn't be because of- Yeah, it would be that Northwest Indiana corridor and Indianapolis. It's the only

population. Yeah, it would not be because of the stuff in the South, and it certainly wouldn't be because of the rural areas. And the same thing goes for Ohio. It goes for, I think, every place, except for out East where most counties are blue too. Well, but even if you look at like a hard blue state like new york new york is mostly geographically red it's just it's just that like you know 10 million people live in new york it's just that that doesn't matter right it's just like it does yeah like we've talked about before like mostly vacant land is red huzzah sure you know yeah it's the only exception is is texas because there's so fucking much of it. There's just so much of it. But like your major population centers, Dallas is very blue.

Dallas is very, very blue. San Antonio is blue. Austin is blue. Houston is blue. Like, there you go. I think Fort Worth was one that wasn't or something. There was one city down there

that wasn't. And I, maybe Fort Worth, but I don't remember exactly and I'm not, I'm not making a claim here, but I know for sure in the last election,

one of those cities didn't go for Hillary. But yeah, it's, you're in a position right now where that shit can happen where it can flip like that.

It's, I, man, I hope, I hope that, where it can flip like that. It's, I, I, man, I hope, I hope that, that some of these people that are running to lose. I mean, some of these people are getting lots of support.

Susan Collins opponent is getting support. The person who's running against Mitch McConnell, Amy McGrath is getting support. The person who's running against Lindsey Graham is getting support. So there's big support, lots of dollars coming in to those people in those areas. And dollars really do matter. And we're talking about ad buys and stuff.

So that's important stuff. And I hope that, man, even if not all of those people go, but one of those people go this time around, that's a huge win. That's a huge win. If you get Mitch McConnell out and Trump out at the same time, that's game-changing. That's absolutely game-changing. It's huge. You might not even have to flip the Senate.

You might not even have to flip the Senate to make a big change like that if you can get rid of Mitch McConnell. Nothing would make me happier, though, than to see a Biden win that was not just the population, not just the popular vote, but just a fucking electoral landslide.

Just a crushing victory on both fronts so that there's no conversation that could ever be had, you know? So that that concession speech is an eat shit speech, you know, or a petulant speech or an angry speech. You know what I mean? Like, so there can't be any like,

well, you know, we got this, that was close, but, you know, we held on to the last, you know, none of that. I want, you know, i mean like so there can't be any like well you know we got this that was close but you know we held on to the last you know none of that i want you know like just fucking decisive and crushing and humiliating like i want him to be cucked by the vote like just absolutely destroyed by it too i would and to be honest you know as much as i want to see mitch mcconnell gone i would love to see a flipped senate with mitch mccon McConnell in it and have to watch it go against what he's done for so long. Just watch it happen

in front of him. You know, it's one of those things where you just, you know, I've kidnapped you and now I'm making you watch this thing.

You know, that's what I want. That's the one thing I really want to see. And it was Christmas Eve. Night was falling and the lamplighters were plying their trade.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat. My apologies. Put me out, put me out, put me out, put me out, put me out. What? What? Ah! Thank you. You're welcome.

So the story comes from Forbes. Famished New York City rats are harassing outdoor diners. So just to be very clear, oh no, why are the rats famished? They're famished because they can't eat the New York City street garbage. That's it. That's really it. Like, here's what is happening. The restaurants and shit were closed for such a long time that there is less garbage for the rats to eat.

The streets are literally so less full of garbage that the rats have nothing to sustain them. That's your city. That's the thrust. your city that's the thrust that the response by the rats is to attack people eating outside to try to get their food because they're like look normally you leave me a seven foot pile of garbage and right by your front door but absent an enormous sweltering mountain of stink garbage for the rats to feast off of. For the rats to feast. Absent that. Come to me.

The rats are shitting themselves. They're panicking. We're starving the rats of their garbage diet. Oh, no. I love the rats. The rats. They're so fat because the streets are paved with garbage in New York. Literally the most disgusting city I've ever walked down.

When you walk past not one, not two dozen bags of garbage, but three dozen bags of garbage stacked up as tall as you. That is literally flowing out into the street. It is taking up an entire parking spot worth of space. They have thrown it on the street. There's so much garbage. The fucking rats think it's like fucking, I think it's fucking action park for Christ's sakes. There's slides. They're running around, jumping around. It's the most disgusting. I've been there three or four times, and every time I'm always shocked

by how disgustingly gross that city is. It's not a clean city. It is not. No. It is not a clean city, as evidenced by the fact that their rats are famished because they can't eat. That's literally what's happening.

They can't eat garbage. If they would just drop one piece of pizza with penne on it, they could carbo load. They'd be fine. If they dropped it, Heath would fight him for it. Heath would pick that thing right up off the fucking street. Heath would pick the rat off his pizza in New York because I'm sure they serve a rat pizza. You ate it with penne on it. I guarantee they have a rat one. You'll eat it with anything on it. It doesn't matter. Yeah. No, it's fine. Yeah, this one's got seagulls

on it. We put seagulls on this one. So I got to read a few of the bullet points because it's just like, what the fuck is going on with the world? Romano and other restaurateurs are asking the city to reduce the city's rodent population. And I thought about that.

I thought like, we're just now getting around. Like, shouldn't you always want to reduce the rodent population? Right? Like, at what point are you like, no, I'm good with this number. This is the right number of rodents. But the odds look slim amid a budget crisis caused by the coronavirus pandemic. The sanitation department's rat mitigation budget has been $1.5 million to $12.3 million,

meaning 25% less trash pickup in areas with significant rat issues. So there's... That's a lot of money. Oh my God. So vigilantes, Cecil, this is the whole thing, man. Vigilantes have taken it upon themselves to exterminate the city's rats for fun.

Elias Shule and his dog Sundrop hunt rats four nights a week in Brooklyn, killing as many as 20 rats in four hours, though this amounts to no dent in the overall population. Who has four hours of time to throw their dog out like they're fly fishing and reel it back in who has four hours to do that you're letting your dog fight and kill i know feral street rats and catch god knows what from that yeah and here's his commentary about it it's actually Does it give him kisses afterwards? Yeah, right?

Is he like, oh, good dog, give me kisses. I love you, son. Give me kisses. I love you. Have you ever seen the people who open their mouth when the dog is, and they lick inside of the mouth of the dog? Have you ever seen that? I have seen that.

Those are fucking foul human beings. Foul. Get a human to lick the inside of your mouth, weirdos. Go get a massage. You can do that now. So here's what Shule said in the interview.

It's been a great pleasure of mine watching Sundrop learn how to make a kill. It's like whack-a-mole. So, okay. You guys are psychopaths. Here's some true things right now that we know right now in new york there are so many starving rats because your garbage has not been dealt with that a crazy person with a dog named sundrop is jerking off furiously to the idea of watching his pup shoe up feral city rats this is 2020 guys i'll tell you i want to i want to tell a story i was i uh many years ago i went to

europe and this was i've only been to europe i think twice and yeah i've only been to Europe, I think, twice. Yeah, I've only been to Europe twice. Well, no, I've been to Europe a couple of times because I went over for QED, but I've been to Europe twice on a trip, right? On a specific, just a vacation, right? And this was years and years and years ago. This is my first time ever really getting over to Europe. We saved for a long time and we went on just a four country tour. We went to see

France. We stopped in Germany. We went to the Czech Republic and then we went to Austria. And we had a wonderful time. But when we were in Prague, the Czech Republic, first off, that was the place of all the places. And we spent a lot of time in Paris and we spent a lot of time in other places. That was the place with the meanest people. I did not run into, I ran into the meanest people period when we were in Prague. And it could have just been that I was unlucky. I don't know.

Cause I've only been there once and I was only there for maybe five days. So I don't, you know, clearly I have a very small sample set to go on. But when I was there, they were the rudest group of people. And I'm talking about just the people in general. I'm talking about the people who were, you know, you were paying money to do stuff. The service industry was the rudest I'd ever seen.

So I don't want to make a statement that makes it seem like that's clearly a rude country because I don't know. I have no idea. But anyway, I remember at one point I went up to this information desk. I wanted to go out to this place called Kootenai Hora, which is a, it's called, it's a bone church, right? So they, where they take a little bit of soil from Jerusalem and they bring it back from them on pilgrimage. And then everybody wants to be buried there. Well, when everybody wants to get buried at the place from, you know, with the soil from Jerusalem,

they have to then exhume people and then re-put people into the ground. So then they wind up with an excess of bones. Like you do. And so they just started making shit out of bones. And so there's- There's just somebody like arts and crafting with this shit. Exactly.

Yeah, no, man, they didn't have Franks back then. So now they're just, we're not making popsicle stick log cabins. We're going to make a chalice or a giant throne out of bone. I'm not even kidding. Everything, that chandeliers, this whole church was just decked out with decorative bones.

How old is this thing? I'm not sure exactly how old the church is, but it was clearly from a very long time ago when pilgrimages were still a thing, right? So, you know, so it's an old church and it's in the middle of a, it's in the middle of a city that was clearly like a Soviet block city

because there's nothing pretty around it except for this church that they somehow kept. And it's, you know, it was a really cool thing, but to get there and back, just to talk to people, to try to figure out, and we're talking to people behind desks to figure out how to get there and back. They were rude as fuck. One woman, an international desk, the international desk, it says international assistance. I walk up and I say, which is the train to Kootenai Hora? And she looks at me,

she's kind of side-eyeing me. And then she turns her head and I said, hello, which is the desk from Kootenai Horaora and she turns her fucking chair around she won't speak to me what and so I start banging on the window Sarah had to pull me back

because I'm banging I'm like hey which is I'm banging I'm so mad they turn me into the ugly American but anyway

so that's Prague so I was in Prague let's get back to the rats so there we are we're in Prague and I'll be honest some of the best food we had was in Prague because they had wonderful food there.

It wasn't, it wasn't a Czech food. We never ate Czech food. We just ate different kinds of, you know, they had, we had French one night. We had Italian.

You didn't have Czech food? No, they, we, we, we looked for some, we couldn't find any. A lot of the places were all very,

uh, yeah. I love their delicious mix. It's fucking amazing. check's mix is fucking at the end of it at the end of it you got to say check please and then they bring it to you so but anyway you want to check it out i'm sorry you better you better check yourself before you wreck yourself but anyway uh we order we ordered from this place and they had this beautiful plazas in the middle of the city

where it's just a pedestrian area. So we're talking huge. It's gotta be an acre full of space in between buildings where there's just this walkway and it's gorgeous. And there's no cars. It's just people walking. It's just a big pedestrian center in the middle of their city.

And we were walking down there. We saw this place and we decided to eat there. And it was an Italian place. And so we sat down outside and they have a built up, so it's cobblestone, but they built up on the ground, maybe a foot, less than a foot, maybe six inches worth of wood where they would have a platform where they set their chairs and stuff. And so you're sitting in the middle of this plot and the restaurant is maybe, you know, 20 or 30 yards this way away from you. And they go inside, they get their stuff and they bring it out to you and you sit on the plots.

And so it was really nice. Sarah and I are talking, we're having a great time. And then I notice that I am being surrounded by mice. These mice are all around me. The whole table. It's like a scene from fucking Sleeping Beauty or some shit. Not even kidding. These mice, they recognize that you have food.

And I don't know if people feed them. I don't know what the deal is, but they started coming up and they were getting brave. They were walking right up to the table. And I keep the whole time I'm eating, I keep stomping on the ground to keep the mice away from me. Holy fuck. What are you talking about right now? And they're fucking circling the table. It was so weird and strange.

And the waiter comes out and we're saying, what about these mice? And he just laughs and he walks away. Glad you fixed that for us, buddy. What was he gonna do be like alright piper them off like to another

black table and what struck me Tom is that in Chicago now we are now a lot of places have are taking over the sidewalks

right because restaurants can't make a lot of money and they can't they certainly can't food has been putting many people inside and you can have

I think it's less restrictions outside and there's tons of seating right now outside in Chicago if you look. And everybody is taking over the sidewalk. Whatever is in front of their place, if they can take over the sidewalk, they are. If they've never done it before, they're doing it.

And so there's all these places that are doing it. And I can't help but wonder if that same thing isn't happening in New York. Yeah. And then the rats are being wonder if that same thing isn't happening in New York. Yeah. And then the rats are being aggressive and maybe coming up like a Prague situation

where you're sitting there eating your food and here comes a rat. Fuck the seagulls. You got fucking, you got an air force and a ground force coming for your food.

That's insane, man. There's like one of them like under the chef's hat, like pulling his hair while he makes it to like. What is even happening anymore, Cecil? Oh gosh, man.

That's good shit. So because everything is in such disarray with the studio and everything else, we are going to skip patrons this week. We'll read them next week. We want to thank everybody, of course, who has become a patron. Anybody who is a patron of this show, trust us, we have plenty

of ways to spend the money that you sent us. We need it. And it's because internet is so hard to get. Again, you have to turn in. You have to turn in. T have to turn in, tune in. Tune in to next week's show or last week's live stream to hear all about this.

Or if you're a patron, you got this. Hopefully you got an audio version, although it's not going to be a great audio version. You got a great audio version of this that you can listen to on your podcast player.

But I want to thank everybody who is a patron. In these troubled times, these difficult times, Tom and I both are in a position right now where our jobs are still in holding patterns. We still have jobs, but who knows if one day one of us might wake up and have to be a professional podcaster.

Oh, God. That sounds, even just saying that out loud terrifies me. I've never even met one. So I want to thank you so much. Yeah. So I want to thank you so much. Yeah. So I want to thank you so much for donating. We really do truly appreciate it. So we got a message,

and I don't know how you would say this. There's umlauts two places in this name. Udder Zorker? I don't know. It's really a name that I would not be good at pronouncing anyway, regardless. So I'm doing my best.

But I want to say say they sent us a message or they posted on Patreon and they said, hi, from Switzerland, 10 gigabytes up, 10 gigabytes down, fiber internet for $50 a month, 50 US dollars a month. That makes me so mad. 50 US dollars a month.

You know how much money you would have to pay for 10 up, 10 down here? I don't know. Could you pay enough? Could you even buy that? I don't know if you could or not. I don't even know if that's a viable thing. When we wanted to buy one gig up and it was, oh no, it was 40 up, one gig

down, which we never got to a gig, by the way. It was never even close. 600 I think is the most. And it was an immense amount of money. It was every bit of $500. It was actually more than my car payment. To get that was more than my car.

And they never delivered. They never once delivered on that particular thing. And if you want to hear more about that, listen to the live stream from last week. But yeah, if I could change to something else, and it's my hope that Verizon eventually does that 5G home thing where it's an unlimited amount of data

and you could just use 5G in your home. That'll be great. But the unlimited part is the problem. So, all right. We've got a message from Aaron. And Aaron sent a bunch of images. We're going to put it on this week's show notes. The first one is about people wearing a mask.

Very good. Very funny. Thank you for sending it in. We're going to post it on this week's show notes. It's a great image. It's 533. We get a lot of messages, Tom. This one's from Muntgoat.

Great name. They sent us a message and they said, you know, hey, Toronto's got a glory hole. And they sent a message for glory hole donuts. And then we get this a lot. There's a couple of places. There's a glory hole church, I think in England or something that people will send all the time. The glory hole song by the Steel Panther people and the glory hole donut shop in Toronto. All three of those things. I want to have sex with everybody in Steel Panther.

I want to go to the Glory Hole in Toronto and I want to go to the other one. One day we will take pictures there. We have seen all these things, but yeah, thank you so much for sending in. Glory Hole Donuts is the top of my list of that. I do want to go. Of all the things.

I do. I genuinely want to go. Toronto, it's the top of my list. I want to go to Toronto. I do too. I've been once and it was actually a really cool city. I've. I genuinely want to go. Toronto. It's the top of my list. I want to go to Toronto. I do too. I've been once and it was actually a really cool city. I've heard it's great. Yeah. I want to go. You know where I really want to go is Quebec. I want to go to

Montreal. Me too. I hear, you know, I don't speak any French, so I hope they don't get mad at me, but I really enjoy. It looks very pretty. Maybe they'll just turn their back on you when you ask them like where the fucking train station is or whatever. Maybe the fucking rats will attack me while I'm eating too.

Jesus Christ. Fucking sentient rats. It's like fucking a Looney Tunes cartoon now. We got a message about the, someone had sent us a message. Brianna sent us a message and said, hey, have you seen the amount of money that the church,

the US Catholic church received billions in taxpayer funds from the Paycheck Protection Program? Fucking ridiculous. The stuff that's been gone. And that's not just the Catholic Church. All kinds of churches. You know, you don't contribute to the kiddie, but you sure as fuck take it out of there.

It's goddamn ridiculous. Like, this could have been like, there's nothing that will kill that fucking organization. You know? Like, kiddie diddling, pandemics, nothing. No, right. It doesn't matter. They just, God damn them. Do they have to wear a mask when they diddling pandemics, nothing. It doesn't matter. They just, God damn them. Do they have to wear a mask when they did all the kids? Do you think

on the latest episode, we do not read comments on our YouTube. Someone said, you don't read, you probably don't read YouTube comments. We do not normally read the YouTube comments. We don't because for a long time, people that, because there's like a whole group of YouTube atheists that are not us, that don't like us, and that, because we're liberal and they're not, so, or left, I don't know. I get confused with all the terms that they use nowadays, but I know I'm far left leaning in comparison to most of the YouTube atheists, at least a lot of the YouTube atheists, and they don't like us and they don't, and they send their listeners after us and they say mean shit on YouTube. So I never read that. I don't bother. Like, why would I submit myself to that? There's no reason to ever

submit myself to that. So if you think that I am going to, that you want to comment on YouTube, and look, we encourage you to interact with the content there, up thumb it, share it. If you want to make a comment there, that's great. I won't ever see it unless you send us a message. So, but if you send us a message, I promise you I'll read it. You know, and I know Tom's the same way.

We will read your message. Every email I ever get sent. We read every single email that comes in, but I will not go to YouTube to read the comments because people can just leave landmines there that ruin your whole day. And I'm not interested in that, right?

That's just like, that's not something I'm going to step over. I don't, it's not that I care what people think about the show. You could not listen to the show, but people are just outstandingly mean and shitty. And I feel like I want to respond because they're so wrong. And you just, it's that moment where you're, you're someone's wrong in the internet. I got to fix this and you shouldn't. And so I just don't, I just extricate myself from that. And I don't, I don't pay attention to iTunes reviews anymore. I'd love it if you'd leave an iTunes review.

If you've never left an iTunes review for our show, if you in the past have loved our show or love our show now, and you've never left an iTunes review, I implore you, please go to iTunes and leave us a five-star review if you like this show. But I probably won't read it

because people will leave shitty asshole reviews and there's no way I can, I can't do anything with it. I can't, I can't respond to you. Right. And the same thing goes with, with, with YouTube. I can maybe respond to you, but there's no guarantee that you're going to read it or whatever. So I just don't bother. So yeah, no, the long, long story short, we do not read your comment on YouTube, but he says, uh, this is from supernova and supernova says, look, uh, uh, pulled on in, uh, we're talking about Kanye, uh, Kanye and Biden, right? So Kanye, Biden, Trump, that's the new trip trifecta that's happening.

And, uh, and we were saying, I don't know what exactly we said last time, but he's saying that Kanye West is less popular among blacks than whites. There's a poll that he's referring to and he's got a link to it. He's less popular among Democrats than Republicans. So what's the evidence Kanye would steal votes from the Republican Party?

The racist ideas that blacks want to vote for blacks. Tom and I, I don't know what we said last time, but Tom and I do not think that Kanye West is going to steal votes from anybody. Tom and I were kidding don't know what we said last time, but Tom and I do not think that Kanye West is going to steal votes from anybody. Tom and I were kidding around about Kanye West. I can't imagine Kanye's getting more than a joke vote, right? So I think people will see him and joke vote for him, but I can't imagine him stealing votes from someone.

And if we said anything otherwise, I don't remember. I edited it and I don't remember what we said. So. Yeah. I have no, I am under no illusions that like Kanye is going to like Jill Stein this thing for anybody. Yeah, no, he's not going to steal enough votes to even matter. I can't, to be honest, he might even be statistically insignificant where he's in the plus or minus area, you know, where he could be so statistically insignificant that you wouldn't even be able to count his votes. He literally didn't get any,

even if he did get some, it's within the margin of error. So we got a message from William and William said, hey, are you guys still taking roast requests? Cause I want to donate to modest needs. No, we are not taking roast requests. You can still vote.

You can absolutely donate to modest needs, but that roast stuff happens in a very short span of time. And the reason why we do that is because it takes us a whole year to get through all the roasts because nobody wants to just sit down and just power through all the roasts because it gets tiresome just over and over and over again. So we try to space them out

so they're at least still funny every month instead of five straight hours of just roasts, which no one wants to listen to. So we try to put them into our shows so that people enjoy them and they can hear their roasts. And there's something to look forward to. If you didn't hear your roast yet, you can hear it later. But we do not accept roast requests all year. There's a small window for that. There will be another Vulgarity for Charity this year, I'm sure. Pay attention come November. That's a great time. But don't not donate now. Modest needs your money right now. So if you can donate now, donate. But if you have a little extra money in November, you can request a roast and we will do our best to fulfill it within the next calendar

year. That's a great organization any time of the year. Absolutely. Finally, we got a message from Aaron, another one, and this is an image today that he sent. It's about Trump and Goya. You're going to want to check it out. We are hopefully going to be

in the studio next week, and we are hoping that we have an internet and all that jazz. So check out our live stream, 9 p.m. Central time on Thursday night. You're going to have a great time, of course, as always. Hopefully next week,

I don't have to record from my house again and my cat screaming under a fucking vent here. I'm sure there's been air blowing through my microphone all night. I don't even care at this point. I don't even care. But anyway, we want to welcome anybody who wants to watch the live stream. We're having a lot of fun with them. So come check them out. It's going to be this upcoming Thursday, 9 p.m. We'd love to have you. That is going to wrap it up for this

week, though. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan pitch. Late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox. Reflex.

Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards. Psychic healing. Crystal balls. Bigfoot. Yeti. Aliens.

Churches. Mosques and synagogues. Temples. Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers.

Birthers. Witches. Wizards. Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only.

All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.