Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 538: V4C 2019 Part 8

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

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Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from wherever you're listening to us, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political. And there is

no welcome mat. This is episode 538. 538, baby. 538, what is that number? I just want to say to the people who don't live in the United States, that number is the number of United States representatives and the Senate

added together. So that's what that That's the electoral votes, guys. The electoral votes. That's the positive. Yeah, we need- That's the number. We need half plus one of those. That's what we need, buddy.

Yep, yep. It's, I will say though, Cecil, it's looking fairly positive. Yeah, you know, it was looking positive for Hillary too, but it was, it's looking positive. I'm trying to remain positive here, you know? Later on in the show, we're going to have a vulgarity for charity,

a little vulgarity for charity that we recorded with the guys from Scathing Atheist and all the rest of their podcast. Citation needed as well. They're going to be on the show a little later on, so stick around for it. Did you watch any of the DNC? I watched Michelle O'Bachman's speech. How was Michelle O'Bachman's speech? I thought she did a really, really great job.

The reason I thought she did a really, really great job. The reason I thought she did really good job, the Fox News commentators. Oh yeah. Tucker Carlson really loved their speech. No, I genuinely, uh, four or five Fox News commentators said that she did exactly. She eviscerated Trump and she did a great job. Well, I know, I mean, Chris Wallace is a liberal and he's on Fox News and he loved it. And I saw, and he was, he's unsurprising in that way, but Tucker Carlson's response to it was fucking amazing. Was it? Yeah. He just had a fucking great big shitty temper tantrum about like how he's basically like, everybody loves her and everybody thinks she's the smartest and the most beautifulest person. I mean, it's just like, he really had a straight up, honest to God, toddler ass temper tantrum about the whole thing. No, but Tucker Carlson, of course, is flipping his shit. But, you know, other people are, I was surprised at the people who said, especially out loud, that, you know, it was a powerful speech.

Obama gave a speech. I didn't watch any of the Republicans that they asked to come talk. I don't know what they did there. But I know people are upset about that. And I've been seeing a lot of people talk about this in the past couple of weeks because they announced who was going to be speaking. So they asked Kasich and Colin Powell.

And so there was a couple of people that were talking that were clearly Republicans. And it's weird because people were so upset by it. And it's clearly a way to reach centrist voters, right? We were talking a couple of weeks ago about how debates don't change minds, right? You and I had a conversation about how debates don't change minds. People watch the debates. They probably already know who they're going to vote for, or they're finding other ways in which they're going to inform their vote after. The debate is not the place for someone to make a decision on who they're going to vote,

or it's very low, right? It's a small number. It's not a large number of people. It's not as if people tune in as blank slates to watch the debate, and then they're convinced by one party or the other. They've either got a bias coming in, or they're not basing their final decision on the debate.

But they have to find it somewhere. And why not the DNC, right? Why not at this place? Why not at a place where, you know, the centrist voters can be reached out to out to and i know that makes some people mad and i i guess they think that i don't know like like whenever somebody says something out loud at a dnc on the dnc stage somehow joe biden has to say it and keep it as his policy right like like if you come in you're part of the collective now and I must follow what

Colin Powell and Kasich have said out loud because I'm obligated by some sort of weird witchcraft to fucking listen and understand and agree with what they have to say. I don't think that, I think it's overreacting. I think it's, you know, it's like, yeah, they had,

it's a big tent, and they're reaching out to different edges of the tent. They had Ocasio-Cortez give a short speech, and then they gave, you know, a's like, yeah, they had, they've been, it's a big tent and they're reaching out to different edges of the tent. They had Ocasio-Cortez give a short speech and then they gave, you know, a chance for Kasich who is reaching out and granted had a lot more time, but is reaching out to centrist voters. Yeah, I mean, I think the goal of the DNC is to gather together energy to the party, right? The reason you have a convention is not because, well, geez, without the convention, who would we know who to nominate? Like we already know who to nominate. That is essentially, there's only one functional candidate at this point, right? So that for all practical purposes is done. The optics against the convention is to put energy

into the system, right? To rile up people who are excited to get people to turn out to vote, to get people to realize the importance of this particular election. I mean, there's a reason you do it. And it's not like, I think it is powerful to say, hey, Kasich ran on the Republican side just a short while ago. He ran against Trump as a Republican in the primaries. And here he is endorsing a Democrat. That's not nothing. If you're somebody who's right in the center or even center right, and you're thinking, man, I work at Goodyear and I voted for Trump my whole life, but now Trump is saying boycott this employer that employs 60,000 people. Maybe I need to know a little bit something about this. I think it's interesting to see how big they've

made the tent this year, right? And they need to make the tent this big because it's not enough to just win in 2020. We've got to overwhelmingly win. I think that's a really important piece of this. If we don't overwhelmingly win, we will be mired in a morass of legal bullshit and wrangling and questioning and probing and where there was the, but if it's an overwhelming, irrefutable, just club fucking, then it's game, set, match. And the way to do that is to say, all right,

everybody far left progressive. You know what? Hold your nose and do what you need to do. Everybody center right. Hold your nose and do what you need to do. Everybody center left. You're probably already on board. But we need everybody from all parts of the spectrum who basically just say, look, anybody but Trump and the anybody is Biden. And that's I think that's the reason you widen the tent this way. You bring energy into that system. You try to rile people up. You try to say, hey, this is important.

It's and I think it's like the thrust of many of the speeches was this election is important. If you listen to Obama, I didn't listen to it. I read Obama's speech. I read Michelle Obama's speech. I read excerpts from Clinton's speech. They're all similar in some way. They basically say, look, the current leadership is not up to the task. Right. This is a life or death situation. Yeah. Life or death situation. Nobody is saying, my God, isn't Biden got the best ideas? They're saying, look, saying, my God, isn't Biden got the best ideas? They're saying, look, he's a decent human being who isn't Trump. Yeah. This is an existential vote this year. The other thing that I want to

point out too, and this is coming from somebody who's voted for Bernie twice, right? So, but I saw a lot and still do see plenty of people who are announcing how they will not vote in this upcoming election because Bernie didn't get the nomination. I'm still seeing, I'm still seeing it all over Twitter. It's happening all over Twitter. Some really popular secular people, um, are saying that stuff constantly, how I, I, I won't vote for him. Uh, and I won't, and they're telling their followers and their followers are just like, there's just this, um, sort of, of, everybody's just sort of getting everybody else's blood up. Everybody's amping everyone else up. And so there's this circle of people

who are just shouting and screaming how they're not going to vote for Biden. And look, you know, you do what you got to do. You know, that's where you're at. But then don't come back. If you're saying that out loud, if you're saying, you know what, I'm not going to vote for Biden, fuck Biden. Okay, great. Then don't fucking talk about the DNC. Don't talk about how they're not being progressive and they're only giving AOC a minute and they're giving Kasich five, ten minutes to give a speech. Because you know what? If you rallied behind him and said, you know what, we don't like your policies and we're going to try to push you left at every second that we can. But you have these 8 million, 10 million people

that voted for Bernie. That's a big block of voting. But instead, there's a lot of people in that group that have made it very clear, and they've been very vocal. And I don't know how many people are in that group are doing it, right? But I know that there's a very, very,

very large vocal portion of it that are screaming that they're not going to vote for him. Well, then why the hell should he reach out to you, right? If you're already saying, I'm not going to vote for him, there's no way I'll ever vote for him. He'd be like, okay, cool. Well, then I'll just go get your dad because chances are your dad's going to vote

and you probably weren't anyway, right? I'm going to reach out to the older people. Why would I reach out to the younger people who have proven over time and time again that they're not interested in the polls? And I know that there are plenty of ways in which Republicans go out of their way to stifle the vote in this country. It's obvious and it's been obvious for years.

If you're not willing to participate in the system and you want to throw a wrench in the system, well, then don't be mad if the system doesn't look at you and say, well, what do you want us to do now? Right. Yeah, it makes me a little crazy that people don't do the one most important thing that they can do in order to exercise their political voice and then wonder why nobody listens to them when they scream silently into the fucking void. Like I have no sympathy for that viewpoint. Like on an individual level, maybe you've got a

reason, but in terms of demographics, I have no sympathy or interest in that. I also like, you know, I think at some point we also have to recognize the reality as reflected by the vote that America's not as far left as the progressives are. We're not. If we were that far left, we'd have voted that way. But we didn't vote that way. We didn't vote that way in 2012. We didn't, or 2016. We didn't vote that way in the primaries in 2020. We are not as far left. Like, that's not what America is yet. So, like, you got to kind of look at that and say, okay, well, I mean, what is America ready for? You know, I will tell you this One thing that could happen and I you know, I kind of hope it does Is if biden does get elected? and then He starts doing some centrist shit or some republican shit, right?

I'd love to see people in the streets protesting that stuff because here's the difference between the republicans and the democrats I think the democrats will listen if there's people in the streets, right? Especially because it's your own people. What I don't want people to do is just sit on their hands and just be like, well, it's our guy in there. Whatever he wants is whatever he wants. I don't want that kind of country. I don't want a country where it's, oh, well, I guess it's just our guy. I guess we'll just deal with whatever he does. And so if he's corrupt or if he's fucking running the country into the ground, I just need to be quiet right now. I don't want to see that. What I want to see is people actively trying to take part

and protest is a perfect example of that. I look at the women's march, the one that came out after Trump and they've had many marches since then. I look at how powerful that was, right? To unify women, to show all the other women that they're not alone out there and that they have grievances

and those grievances should be heard. And I think that's fucking super powerful. And I don't want to lose that. I don't want to just, cause Biden gets and be like, oh, well, I guess they're just our guy. Well, if Biden does something that's fucking anti-women, I want to see a women's March just as big as when Trump was in there. Sure. That's what I want to see. Yeah, absolutely. I'll, I'll be honest, man. Like when you look at the polls and you look and see, okay, what is the majority of America? How do they feel? How do they poll? Where do they fall on these issues? We are more center than we are far left. That's just what, I mean, we've proven it time and time again with the vote,

right? The people that matter are the people that vote. Those people have chosen a non-progressive stance. That's a bummer. I think it would be even more of a bummer, to be perfectly blunt, if we elected a progressive that couldn't get a fucking thing done. So it would be a goddamn tragedy if the first progressive that we got elected to office was elected and then couldn't get a single fucking thing done

because they're not goddamn kings. And then all that entire thing is stifled because then what you've done is you've created an object lesson that says progressivism is a failure. It is better to have progressivism take root in the House, take root in the Senate, which it's doing, and let the executive leadership follow suit over time. It's not like we're not getting anywhere. Progressivism has made huge inroads in Congress. It continues to make inroads at local governmental levels. And it's happening in a relatively short period of time

when you consider the total number of voting turns that we've had. So I think it would be a real problem. Like if we had elected Bernie Sanders and then he couldn't get any of his fucking signature shit done, that's the easiest thing to run against forever. Look what happened last time. He got nothing done. That guy can't get shit done. We're not progressives. We're not socialists. That was a failure. Don't do it. If America won't back it, then let's not do it until we can back it. You know what I mean? Like, let's not put our fucking money

where our mouth is not. Shift the Overton window, man. Shift it over to our side. Shift it so that progressive policies are the ones that we're talking about. And you know, the way you do that is what Bernie's been doing forever. Talking about universal healthcare,

talking about, you know, you get people start talking about UBI. Maybe that stuff doesn't happen soon, but maybe it will, but it gets planted in people's mind. There are people, I would say there are way more people now far more favorable to UBI

than there was when we started the primary season. Absolutely. I'll bet you any amount of money that that's a true statement, that there's people way more favorable now than they were when we started. And so just those little, little pieces could help shift us away from a very centrist slash, I mean, and it's not centrist. When I say centrist, I don't mean centrist to the

rest of the world. I mean, far right to the rest of the world, right? Right. Of course we call it centrist. That's a right lean. That's a right policy. That's a, that's a far right policy in some of these places around the world. So the fact is, is we're, you know, us liberals, we're, we think we're far, we're fucking far lefties. We're nothing in comparison to left parties in other countries. So, you know, we got to keep pushing it and pulling it, pulling it to the side. And the more we do that, I think the more chance there is that you're going to be awakening people that are younger, that, that are, that are going to recognize that these are the best policies for everyone. Williams, there have been some complaints about your use of language on the docks.

If this is about yesterday, sir, yes, I did use a few blue words, a few cuss words, but as soon as I ascertained that the mix-up had been corrected, what I did was- No, Williams, it's not your swearing that I'm getting complaints about. It's the fact that you used the word ascertain too much. Sir, I ascertain that these men are just jealous of my command of the English language. So this story comes from Ars Technica. Anti-vaccine group sues Facebook, claims fact checking is censorship. sues Facebook, claims fact-checking is censorship. So this specifically refers to when Facebook puts like a fact-check thing on a post, right? So Facebook's fact-checking process

has a link that appends it and then brings readers to informative sites like the WHO. So when there's bullshit that's posted, it's like, well, you might want to read something legitimate, right? And the claim of the anti-vax movement is that's censorship. And it kind of cracks me up because first of all,

you cannot censor private speech, right? You can only, censorship is really only a thing in public speech. Right, yeah. They always mess that up. And it's not like it's not even like you're getting mobbed by people.

It's Facebook owns it. You don't pay to be there. Facebook can do whatever they want. Facebook can go into your post and rewrite it to say you're an asshole and you have no recourse because you don't belong there. You have no rights to because you don't have, like, you don't belong

there. You have no rights to it. It's a free thing. That's a feature I would pay extra for. Right. If they would rewrite everything to be like, this guy's an asshole. I like, so when I read that, like they sued Facebook, I started laughing. I'm like, you sued them for what? You sued them for what? You have no, like, it'd be like, if you came to my house, Cecil, and then, you know, so you're a guest in my fucking house. You have no right to be here whatsoever. And then you're like, you know what? If you don't give me your car, I'm going to sue you.

You're like, well, that's my car. This is my house. I make the rules. I'm going to sue you if you don't give me your car. You have no right to be there. What fucking right do you think you have to this? your car. You have no right to be there. What fucking right do you think you have to this? You're going to sue Facebook. And the only way that you're suing me is I'm suing you is because one time you let me borrow your car in the past. Okay, Karen,

you're going to sue Facebook. It's amazing. What fucking crazy ass sense of entitlement do you think you have to something because you got a free login and password to some website? You know what's crazy to me too, Tom, is really funny, is that somehow Facebook can't make anyone happy with this, right? They can't make the vaccine people happy. And then they certainly don't make anybody else happy because they let things slip through the cracks that should never slip through the cracks, right? So they somehow fuck up their policy so bad. Their policy is so middle of the road, it's getting hit by everything that drives by.

Well, I know. It's so fucking funny. That's because for the longest time, they were like, hey, hey, we're just a content sharing platform. We don't have any reaction or interaction or relationship to the content. It's on this guy. And that's no longer a tenable position to take, right? Yeah. don't have any like reaction or interaction or relationship to the content guy yeah and like

that's no longer a tenable position to take right like yeah now all of a sudden it's like well you know what you do have some relationship to the content you liars and they're just like well but we didn't develop any coherent policy around that so they're just they're just fucking but they've got the beast already they've got three 3 billion users already acting and interacting with something that was kind of like, all right, look guys, as long as there's no titties, it's fair game. Like that was like, that's how they started it. Right? Like, no, no titties. Let's keep it classy. No titties. Uh, white supremacist groups up until last year were totally fine. Totally, totally fine. You know, lying about like, if you're a politician, just lying about things that happened in the world up until last year,

that's fucking fine. But no titties, guys. Keep it classy when you spew hate speech. I will say, though, I saw titties on it a couple weeks ago. There was this woman who had on her giant boobs, somebody, she was at Sturgis, and someone had spray painted, you know how they do the body paint? Yeah. Somebody had spray painted on her boobs, Mount Rushmore with Trump's face on it. I wish I was kidding. That is so classy. Oh God. I hope somebody titty fucked her and came on his face.

That would be the best thing ever. I'm not even into this. We're doing this. It'd be like, hey, I don't even care, but I just came on Trump's face. How fucking distracting would that be? I know. We got to start over. I know it's the third, right? We got to start over. I know, it's the third time.

We just got to start over. I opened my eyes, and it ruined the whole thing. It just killed it. Oh, I did it again. All right, four times ago. You know what? I'm going to have some pills. I'm going to take some pills.

Okay, fine. I'll just lock eyes with Lincoln. That's it. Oh, my God. I would need so many mulligans. It's like, after you get done, you're just like, okay,

it's a bukkake on Mount Rushmore. I'm just going to get all you guys. I'm just getting you all. It's like a bukkake. Oh God. I want to, I fucking censorship, please.

Did you see the, my pillow guy this week? No. What? The, my pillow guy who went on Anderson Cooper. Fucking censorship, please. Did you see the MyPillow guy this week? No. What? The MyPillow guy who went on Anderson Cooper. He's hawking a fucking coronavirus cure and Anderson Cooper just eviscerates him, attacking him and saying,

yeah, you're a snake oil salesman. And the guy said, no, we have studies. And he said, what's the name of the study? Who did the study? And he's like, I don't have it in front of me. That's because it doesn't exist. It's amazing. Did he say that? It's 10 straight

minutes of Anderson Cooper bending this guy over being like, do you like that? Do you like that? It's amazing. It's amazing. I got to find it. I'm going to put it in a separate. Hold on, let me just play a part for you. I'll just play a part for you. Sir, you said you've seen this test. Where is it?

The tests are out there. The thousand people, phase one and phase two. Where is the test? Show it to us. I don't have the test. Name where it's from. Who did the test? What university?

What doctor? Well, you'd have to talk to, I guess you'd have to have Dr. Carson and then the company, all the tests that were done on your show. You said you saw the test. You read the test. So tell me about the test. Where was it done? The test, it was done on over a thousand people for safety.

Where was it done? And what were the procedures for the test? You read this. Let's hear it. The procedures are, it was used against cancer. So they did, when you do a safety test of phase one and phase two, it's to see if there's any, any other. There's been no phase one and phase two, it's to see if there's any, any other. There's been no phase one and phase two on this, on this drug, sir.

There's been no phase one and phase two on this drug, sir. Yeah, yeah, absolutely there has. The FDA has had it since April, a hundred percent. You're just misconstrued because the media is trying to take away this amazing cure that works for everybody. Okay. So just for our viewers, you have no medical background. You're not a scientist. A guy called you in April, said he had this product. You are now on the board and going to make money from the sale of this product. The reason he reached out to you is because you have the ear of the president. So he gets a meeting with the president and you stand to make money from this. How do you sleep at night? Yeah, I didn't play a lot of it,

but go check it out and go find it. It's 10 full minutes long. And it's nonstop. This guy saying, well, you're wrong. And there's a group like, prove it to me. Prove me I'm wrong. It's unbelievable. And this guy was sitting with the president very recently.

So I would bet that this, whatever, it's called Olandrin. O-L-E-A-N. Isn't that the stuff they used to put in potato chips and made your asshole leak? Okay, Tom, real quick. Yeah. You got a choice. Okay.

COVID-19 or anal leakage, which do you choose? All right. Anal leakage. I'm going anal leakage. I don't care if I'm at a restaurant and I'm shitting my pants. I'll just bring a diaper. Do I think I'm good lucky tonight? Because the COVID-19,

I can cough into the pillow. The anal leak is just going to be a little harder to explain. Honey, honey, you want to have sex in the jacuzzi again? I know I keep getting up to wipe.

It's just a thing. Don't. God. Just why are you? You're killing the mood. Why does the jacuzzi look like beef soup? What is happening? Oh, beef and barley.

Okay. There we go. There we go. All right. Anyway, this stuff's called olandrin. It's a toxic plant. It's found in a poisonous plant. That can't be good.

You know what? I bet it works. Here's the thing. If you take enough of it and die, you don't have COVID anymore. Like you're free of COVID. All the viruses die when you do. Like that's it.

Yeah. It says on the wiki, there is no high quality clinical evidence that Olander or any of its constituents, including that other drug I mentioned, are effective or approved by regulatory agencies as a prescription drug or dietary supplement. So not even a dietary supplement.

It's not even like melatonin, right? It's not even that. It's like, oh, I wish I was a little sleepy. Like, nope. It's not even fish oil. It's worse than fish oil. It's worse than all the compounds and the weird shit that you buy

at the fucking, at the shame aisle at Oscar. You can't even rise to the level of vitamin D gummies. You fellas want to go to a real donkey show? It's really very tastefully done. I understand. One of the women who entertains the donkey used to be on the soap. Pass. Well, standing invitation every thursday always pass so story

comes from the daily beast and i just have to read a fair amount of this um even though it's a little bit long just because it's it's one of those things that's crazy and you're like but i bet if i keep reading it it'll get less crazy and then instead it gets more crazy nope romanian billionaire poisoned by call girl at sex club featuring virgin ponies. And you can imagine why that caught my attention. So I actually, I actually have questions, but go ahead. I'll, I'll hold them until later. Is your, is your question about how they check the virginity of the pony? Well, no, I think that's pretty obvious. They just go to the doctor with TI and he, he asked the doctor. And so I think that's, that's obvious to me.

It's just, I'm just curious. I'm just curious, like how you procure a virginal pony. Like, and you know what I mean? Like, because,

because I feel like I wonder if that costs more money or not. Like if people are like, is this a whore pony? Yeah. I mean, I mean, is a slutty pony less money? My little pony,

slutty pony. You? My little pony, slutty pony. Someone's going to write to us. Don't kink shame slutty ponies. Actually, you're singing the robot chicken one where they're my apocalypse pony. Yeah, apocalypse ponies. It's just the ones always in my head. On the night that Romanian billionaire

Konstantin Donetski was fatally poisoned, investigators say he had been in the company of two of his favorite Ukrainian lovers at a sex club that occasionally features, among other props, virgin ponies. I don't know that it's a prop anymore if it's required that it's a virgin, right?

You're not just looking at it. If you're like, I need that to be a virgin, right? You're not just looking at it. If you're like, I need that to be a virgin. All ponies look the same, but if you do it to be a virgin, you're fucking it. No, it just watches Tom.

You stick a carrot in your ass and then it watches. What? Hold on though. Hold on though, because I just want to state for the record that that is the last time they mention or talk about virginal ponies. Yeah, you don't get any detail.

You don't get any more information. There's no 1-800 number. There's no crisis hotline for virgin ponies that have been exploited. There's none of that. I actually read this and I was like, what about these virgin ponies? I'm getting so much information.

I did control F. There's two mentions. Every single thing about this is terrific. Donescu, aged 69. Nice. Because, of course, was known as the baron of luxury for his collection of sports cars, including a personalized Lamborghini and expensive art. Aren't they all personalized?

I mean, come on. Seriously, it's a Lamborghini. Fucking cookie cutter, off the line Lambo. What a stupid thing to say. You don't even know how to be rich, stupid. Okay. Yeah.

Billion dollar Tom. Yeah. What car do you buy? Oh, I do like cars. Do you? I do. I actually really do like cars. I like cars. So that's actually, that's a tough question. That's a really tough question. Audience, billion dollar audience number. Let us know what your car is. Your car you would buy if you were a billionaire. I'll tell you, I like, I have an SUV, like a midsize SUV,

and I like how that drives and sits. So I would find a very expensive version of my midsize SUV. I would get maybe a Bentley SUV or maybe a high-end Porsche SUV, I guess is what I would go with. I would love to have, and actually I keep a list of

deeply impractical, unbelievably materialistic things that someday I'd like to have but will never buy. And on it for the car, I just wrote a deeply impractical car because there's so many that I think would be fun to have.

A Nissan GTR would be up there though because there's just, the I think would be fun to have. You know, a Nissan GTR would be up there though because there's just, the handling on them is just crazy. Yeah, I don't know what it is. Crazy. I wouldn't know. Yeah, I will say, you know what is a beautiful car? An absolutely beautiful, expensive car is the Corvette, the newer model Corvette.

I just saw one the other day. I don't like Corvettes and that is a sweet looking car. They are gorgeous. I think that that's an amazing looking vehicle. I think that that one is the one that I would think, maybe I would get one of those instead. I think that's a beautiful vehicle. That's not a car I'd ever, it's such a, it's such an impractical car in the, in the price range where you just think there's, why would you, I can't imagine owning something like that. I will say like, I would own a sports car, like a legit sports car, but not in Illinois.

I would own one if I lived in like Nevada where there was some big, one, it's not going to rust out. I can drive it 12 months a year. And, you know, there's some big, long, empty stretches of road that you could actually take it out and play with it.

Yeah. But in Illinois, six months out of the year, you can't drive it. You don't drive those cars in the fall, in the winter. You don't drive them when it's raining. You know, it's a garage car at least of the year, you can't drive it. You don't drive those cars in the fall and the winter. You don't drive them when it's raining. It's a garage car

at least half the year. All right. Donescu69 was known as the baron of luxury for his collections of sports cars, including a personalized Lamborghini, and expensive art, the latter of which raised suspicion that he was the collector for whom the Romanian Arthes lifted $65 million worth of

paintings, including works by Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Henri Matisse from the Kunsthal Art Museum in Rotterdam in 2017. Donetsk's home is reported to have been set up like a museum with secret rooms for art with questionable provenance and grand halls. What are you saying? Art? Is art the name of the kid you kidnapped? What are we talking about here?

Part of me hates this guy because he's despicable. And part of me is like, I want secret rooms. I always wanted a Webster house. Part of me wants to hang out with him just to hang out with the hookers that poison him. Those are the people I want to talk to. I don't care about the billionaire. I just want to hang out with the hookers that poison somebody. Black Widow 1 and 2. That's I just want to hang out with the hookers that poisoned somebody. Like Black Widow 1 and 2.

That's who I want to hang out with. What I want to do is walk up to a grandfather clock someday and swing it open and reveal a set of stairs in a home that I own. Like I want that so much. And I want those stairs to go down to hookers who poisoned billionaires. Is that too much to ask? I mean, come on. They're just doing what we all dream of anyway, killing a billionaire. What the fuck? He was first reported to have fallen ill

inside his luxurious home on Romania's Lake Slung on August 9th, but a preliminary investigation determined that he had actually fallen ill in his car near the sex club and not his home, according to local media reports. He died in a Bucharest hospital on August 15th after being taken there by private ambulance. I wonder if it was a Lambo. Investigators have laid the blame for what is believed to be poisoning on a Ukrainian call girl who is reportedly a favorite of Donetsku's.

Oh, how the tables have turned and whose whereabouts are currently unknown. The Baron of Luxury reportedly often hired two or more high-priced prostitutes at a time and frequented a number of sex clubs or held orgies at his home from when he didn't want to go out. Yeah, no, why go out for that?

Yeah, there's no reason. Yeah, I mean, it's basically like ordering Grubhub. You just deliver it to you. Are we doing takeout tonight or are we delivery going? Grubhub. Grubhub. You know where I hope that other,

that woman who's, they can't find? What? I hope she's hanging out with Jeff Bezos. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. I hope she found her way over to Amazon. God.

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any one item, free shipping, and a whole lot of fun. We are slowly making our way through the Vulgarity for Charity backlog and we're going to bring back our two friends and their acquaintance, Heath, Noah, and Eli. Thanks for joining us, guys. He ordered a second Uber as a backup.

We tried to lose him. He had a second one. I told you guys that was so my mango nectar could have a car seat. He says he knew we were going to lose it. He needs it. Insane. All right.

So let's get this party started quickly. Let's get this party started right. Tom Bryce from the Naked Mormon podcast wanted to do a roast podcasting as a career. Oh, yeah. How do I start there? A career. I guess podcasting is a career

if your livelihood is based on hope and not a 401k or health insurance or a salary or benefit. Podcasting for a living is pretty much the microphone-based equivalent of living like a meth addict sucking dick to score 15 bucks. Because if they don't,

there's literally nothing preventing them from accidentally looking in the mirror and seeing their wasted lives. Jesus Christ. Podcasting as a career. That makes sense. Let's rely entirely on a monetary path under which lies the total absence of anything other than the generous spirit of the Internet to sustain you. I mean, Bryce, have you been on the Internet?

Those people are buying your groceries, man. What? And just in case you think that it is not insane to take the best earning years of your life and entrust them to the same model of funding that PBS uses, just go ahead and try this, Bryce. Write up your resume without laughing or crying.

Jesus Christ. Sorry. All right, Tom. While you're still warmed up, we got some more podcast drama. Matthew would like us to roast opening arguments. I'll go first.

As a podcaster, Andrew is an amazing lawyer. An amazing lawyer. I just want to say that out loud. Seriously, though, I think the show would be a lot funnier if you just let the funny

guy speak, Thomas. Just let the funny guy talk. Give it a rest. All of your one-star iTunes reviews are right. I just want to say

that. Jesus. That is about as low as you can hit. That is rough. That is rough. That's the dust. That Bryce Roach has

nothing on all your one-star IPTV. I'm fighting words in mic town. Wow, we should go back to roasting the medium again. That was kinder. Opening Arguments is an amazing show. Everyone should listen to it. I especially like how they resurrected Norm MacDonald

to interview one of the chipmunks. That's fucking awesome. That couldn't have been easy. That's great. What I really love about opening arguments is that Andrew takes complicated legal arguments and breaks them down into small enough pieces that even Thomas can politicize it.

That can't be easy. It can't be easy or interesting. It's not, Tom. And since we're on the subject of terrible things for New England, Noah, Kim donated to hear a roast of Bill Belichick. Amazing, Kim.

Amazing. Fuck that guy. Bill Belichick. I should have donated this one to Heath for charity. Yeah, Bill Belichick is like if Weld technically had a mascot. He wins the way he dresses. All right. He's the fucking bratty kid who wouldn't tell you which button did which during the sleepover,

but still takes a victory lap when he beats you at the game he owns. And our shitty ass society cannot compensate him enough for beating that. No, we cannot. All right. Well, speaking of loners and hoodies who sulk a lot, Keith, Mark donated a hundred bucks to roast being the only single person at a wedding. Go ahead.

Yeah. So first of all, you're supposed to invite even numbers of single people to your wedding. Tom. But if you don't go by that well-established principle of social etiquette that everybody knows, Tom, but if you don't go by that well-established principle of social etiquette that everybody knows, Tom, but if you don't go by that rule that everybody knows,

don't make it worse by having Heath sitting at the kids' table in a chair from the elementary school that you made him go carry from down the street to find in elementary school. But fun fact for the single people, you're allowed to flirt with grandparents. That's a fucking rule. That's an understood rule. And if one of the grandmas turns out to be a professional dancer

without Heath realizing it, you get to watch drunk Heath try to do the fucking Lindy hop or whatever it was in abject horror. So that's fun for your wedding. Alright, D donated 200 American dollars to Marky Mark

for him to roast Canadians. Oh, fucking Canadians. You need to fucking pick a country, bro. Alright? Are you guys fucking French? Are you English? Are you Americans? And how do you somehow manage to be fucking all three? And none of them. You're always like,

Oh, look how fucking much better we are than America. That's like sneaking into special ed. So you can be top of the class. All right. Either way, you guys love my movie. We bought a zoo.

So you're okay. In my book, you're okay. All right. For our first challenge round. we bought a zoo, so you're okay in my book. You're okay in my book, fucking Canadians. All right. For our first challenge round. Spikening round. Did I do it? You did.

You did. You did. For this next spikening round, we're going to do X marks the spot. These are all X's of some kind, and everyone has to roast these people like a pirate. Tom, you're first. Yes.

Roast Lindsay's best friend's X, John. All right, I'll see what I can drum up. Yar, matey. Pirate, nailed it. Okay, good. All right, yeah. John is one of those guys who uses his military service to try to get...

Wait, it's not done. It's not. You just... I got bookends, guys. John is one of those guys who uses his military service to try to get... Wait, it's not done. It's not, you just... I got bookends, guys. John is one of those guys who uses his military service to try to get hero points when in fact he was in the National Guard.

He saw even less combat than he does see willing pussy, all right? Oh, Jesus Christ. Outside of his own crazy delusional brain, nobody believes John is some noble and brave war veteran, John. And even more nobody's care, all right? We get it. The bottom 10% of everyone's high school class that can't get into a good

vo-tech school has to sign up to play part-time army man. Fine. I guess we appreciate it in the vague sense that we're frequently glad when you're gone, and you're gone frequently enough that we can forget you when you're not here. Joining the military isn't some brave act of self-sacrifice altruistically undertaken to further a noble cause. It's a job people take because it's really hard to get fired from it. And at some point, you are always going to sell your body anyway. But the National Guard? That's the hill you're going to die on, John? And just how would you be killed on that hill? Because you likely will not be locked in mortal combat with a national enemy so much as probably passed out drunk and choking on your own vomit in a cheap, partially furnished apartment

with your Xbox controller still warm in your hands after you masturbated a Call of Duty and dreamt of what could have been. Or walked a plank or something. Oh, Jesus. Nailed it. Enjoy fighting Black Lives Matter. It's a noble cause. Alright, next up, hopefully a better pirate. Mark wants you to go after

his former boss, Alex. Okay. Alex, just pro tip on pirating since you're clearly a literal pirate named Black Neckbeard. Don't privateer the ship from men's warehouse. You're not going to like the way you look. All right.

Cecil, you're up next. Ryan wants a roast of his ex-boyfriend, Josh. I guess I'm the only one playing along. That's fine. I'll do it. Yar, there he blows. Josh, the great white fail. It is easy to spot.

He's got a Starcraft tramp stamp, which makes it pretty awkward when you're pwning his base there, I bet. And he's an odd one, Josh. He be from Canada, but he hates geese. That's like being from the South and hating racism, it is. No, I have

one for you, Lear. Taylor would like you to roast their ex-boyfriend, Melvin. Oh, now I have to do that? You do. Deceitful pickeroo. See, that means scoundrel, but it sounds like a race thing if I do it in that voice.

I don't speak a lot of pirate, but I know that that's not what come about or bring a spring upon her cable means you philandering bastard. All right, the last pirate roast. Eli is going to insult Holly's ex-boyfriend, Alan. Sorry, Eli, I hate to steal your roast here,

but this one is perfect for me. Alright, alright. Heath, roast away. Okay. Hey, Alan, um, nobody likes talking on the fucking phone, Alan. Just wait a goddamn second and you'll talk in person to the person you know in person.

You object permanence lacking Trump spray tan having, dad jort wearing motherfucker. Just wait a second. Heath, it's supposed to be talk analog. Fuck. Heath, it's supposed to be pirate theme, man. Yarmady. Oh, Jesus Christ.

You guys. This is the worst. We're moving on from that. This is the worst. We're going to get back to normal here. Heath and dogs. That's normal. And this is an unusual twist. Jennifer would not like you to roast her dog,

but instead roast people who hate her dog. Yeah, okay. This is a good pick, actually. So Jennifer has a Great Dane, and she ethically chose to not crop the ears of her Great Dane like a lot of people do. Yes, exactly. Great for her. But apparently

everyone complains about how a Great Dane is supposed to have cropped ears that perk up or whatever. So, Jennifer, most people don't know this, but this is important. You actually have legal permission to bring all those complaining people to an abandoned warehouse, tie them

to a chair, and let your Great Dane play Stuck in the Middle with You by Steeler's Wheel while cutting their ears off. That's a law. And that's actually how Reservoir Dogs got its name. So because of our delayed rollout, Michael would like a roast

of Eli's unborn baby. So Eli, roast your second child that is yet to be born, I guess. Oh, yeah. The one that will never fucking exist. Sure. Hey, you better knock on some fucking wood. Hey, non-existent

baby. You better snip, snip, snip, snip. You are the least existent baby ever. You're so non-existent you're less existent than God. And I know what you're thinking, non-existent baby. Eli, a second kid isn't a logical contradiction,

so I've got to be more likely than God. And one, not so fucking fast, non-existent baby. But two, I cannot personally ensure that God doesn't exist by cutting off my balls or whatever a vasectomy is. But I sure as fucking wouldn to do that to prevent you.

That's what it is. Yeah. So just in case someone met my son who does exist. Do it yourself. Little dude, listen up. It's a nap. All right? It's a nap.

It's not the kitchen table scene from Ordinary People. I need you to relax. Okay? I got you in your swaddle you got your white noise you got your blackout curtains you're gonna nap so you don't die because apparently that's what's gonna happen if you don't nap every 48 seconds at this age so if you could you know take a nap and stop acting like ed harris in the ab. Every time I put you down, your mother and I would be super grateful. We would love that.

Cecil, this one is from Sarah and she would love it if you took it to her friend, Dave. I mean, do I have to go farther than you're one of those pose for a picture, sticking out your thumb and pinky guy. Like, is that supposed to be a phone? Are you going to call your wife on the phone

and say you didn't cheat on her because contractually it's just an in-state marriage? Are you going to use it to get on the phone ahead seating at Applebee's while you're in Tokyo, you boring motherfucker? Hang loose, dude. Hang loose. Tom, not to leave you out here.

Shannon would like you to roast her father-in-law and I guess mascot of cognitive dissonance, Gary. All right. Wow. So I read the little write-up that we got on Gary. I'm going to offer this roast as a reminder and also a suggestion. Gary is a horrible, horrible father

and clearly he's not done right by his kids and now his kids are hurting. That really sucks, but there's hope. You see, a dad is, that's just a relationship. Like any relationship you're in, you get one very crucial power. You can fucking dump your dad. You can. You can dump him.

You can just let him go, cast him off. There's nothing permanent about that relationship unless you decide it's permanent. So you can just tell Gary to go fuck himself, hang up and block his number and delete him. Sure, you can't erase the damage he's done, but counseling can. And then you can just tell people, I don't have a dad. Lots of people don't. You don't. Gary's not a dad. He's a self-centered, egotistical, small-minded, dick-led piece of shit, and he doesn't deserve a place in your life. So freeze him out of it. Let him go. You can just vanish him. And you know what? When you do, nothing bad happens. Your life gets better, easier, simpler. Your life improves literally overnight. So dump that motherfucker already.

Just because he came in your mom once doesn't mean you owe him shit if he isn't earning his keep in your life. And next time he ends up in the hospital, you won't have to worry or fret or feel hurt that you were left out, because for you, he'll already be dead. I feel like there should be a the more you know thing that comes across. The more you know. Hey Eli, you know what time it is?

Is it time for another lightning round? Round. It sure is. This category is giving thanks for each of these religious or non-religious people or groups. Roast them and tell me what you would get

as a free gift for your donation. First up, Eli, the Newsboys. Oh, so for your donation, any of the Newsboys will live in your garage just till this whole divorce thing works itself out. It's great. They've got their own

sleeping bag and all their clothes are in garbage bags already. So, nothing to pack. But don't say no just yet because the newsboys are the only band guaranteed to never practice in your garage because that would mean them sucking less.

Alright. Stillwater Hill Community Church and Guarantee to never practice in your garage because that would mean them sucking less. All right. Stillwater Hill Community Church and their amazing sign. Yeah. The fucking sign says no atheists in foxholes, which I mean, like, that's true because foxholes aren't a thing anymore. Right. Because the airplanes and bombs. So, yeah, when it comes to being surrounded by antiquated bullshit under the illusion

that it'll keep you safe when it won't, that's the other guys. You can have it. And by the way, when you donate to Stillwater Hill, I'm pretty sure they send you a free shovel. Next up, Apostle Hagee and Pastor Hagee of the Hurricane Bible Church

in West Virginia. Alright, I got this one. So just a couple quick notes for you guys. Pastor Hagee, Rocky Balboa doesn't like it when you get blackout drunk and show up for Christmas. That's a problem for him because you are poly. And Apostle Hagee, just because your wife somehow has a two-week gestation period for a child, that doesn't mean you should have a child every two weeks.

Regardless of how good their little hands are in the coal mines, just let them stay in the womb for a couple more weeks. Like, the hills have eye. That just doesn't have the same ring to it. But I'll admit, your evangelism robocalls that you got caught for, it was a big story, those are pretty effective,

especially when the gift for donation is a coal mining cyclops fetus. So I'll give you credit for that. All right, I'll take Paula White. Paula White, give us a MILF video. A minister I'd like to forget video is what it is. It's her begging for money in a video. Seriously, Paula White had to give us a MILF video. A minister I'd like to forget video is what it is. Yeah. It's her begging for money in a video.

Seriously, Paula White is proof of lizard people. She looks nothing like herself in any photo she's ever taken. They all look like they're taken at angles only dreamed of in the Necronomicon. Alright, how about God? Well, I don't want anything from God.

So, hey, God, are you there? No? Didn't think so. It's still me. Look, you're really, really bad at your job, God. Like, have you seen a giraffe? That makes no sense. I'm not going to go all childhood cancer on you.

I'm just going to say you had all the magic in the world, and you created a platypus. We're humans. We're supposed to be the top of the line. We're the Bentley in the world and you created a platypus. We're humans. We're supposed to be the top of the line. We're the Bentley in your garage. Humans. Have you fucking met a human? Christ, any human over the age of 40 just has to look down at the aging horror show that is our bodies to know you fucked up when you made that one. Would you run out of ideas?

Where's my tail? Where are my wings, motherfucker? What is with these knees? Why is my spine like this? Why do people get migraines just because it's stormy? This is bad design. This is it. This is the pinnacle of all creation.

I'll tell you what, God, I'm going to get you the gift. I'm going to send you a little plastic shovel and some biodegradable bags because you are full of shit. How about a non-religious prophet, Sam Harris, Eli? Oh, so for your gift to ReasonableSmartnessBigBrain.org, you'll get these handcrafted skull calipers.

You obviously don't have to use them for that, and only dishonest people would call them skull calipers, but they do come with instructions on figuring out just how much you respect someone's religion. And the last one in this spightening round, Noah, what would you get if you donated money to Dinesh D'Souza? Oh man,

I wish Andrew and Thomas were here for this one. But yeah, no, he's the methad who didn't do so well at the courthouse. And I know he did for him first stand, so I'll tell you post-thaste. You get a fucking frenetically edited YouTube video about what a great job you're doing and a lapdog will pronounce Thailand however the fuck you want him. Exactly. Exactly. All right, let's get back into the swing of things.

Eli Renate would like a roast of their dad, Viggoo. Viggoo. Oh, Viggoo sucks so much. I mean,

typical shitty dad, mean, selfish, looks like a British politician that March hates, but I've never heard of. But what I love about Viggoo is his complete lack of self-awareness.

This is a guy who claims he is called the emperor in his hometown. And you know what? I believe him because when the day comes that he's conned by his own stupidity into walking through the town naked, I guarantee you

nobody will give a fuck enough to tell him. This one should be an easy one for Heath. People who surrender their elder pets. Fuck you. Fuck all your faces. You don't do that. That is for people. We surrender elder people.

Also, just to apropos of nothing, everyone who gave away their pet, I have this really cool ice flow that I want to show you just, you know, whenever you get a chance. Speaking of things that put you to sleep,

I'll take Blizzard's CEO, Robert Cocktick. Is his name Cocktick for real? Yep. Wow. Cocktick. Looks like a former child star. Like he has an old face

that he never grew into, you know? I want to get Blizzard to design a new game called. Like he has an old face that he never grew into, you know? I want to get Blizzard to design a new game called Capitalism, like an MMO, where the 800 developers that he fired to give himself a $30 million bonus could all camp the spawn point and gank every character it creates. And by gank, I mean, fuck him with a broken glass studded strap on. That's what I mean by gank.

All right, next one's for you, Tom. Mike would like you to roast his cousin, Jim slash James. God, alright. Jim is one small step away from being a Jimbo. Jim is one of those crazy-ass motherfuckers who doesn't believe in just one

or two terrible ideas. Like, he's a commitment-phobe for horrible ideas. Keeps dozens of them slightly warm on the back burner at all times. Jim, you can't be all the bad shit at the same time, asshole. That's what we have Michigan for, alright? Fine. I'll take a stab at your

sovereign citizen shit. Are you fucking detained? No, because no one wants you, Jim. No one is detaining you. You are free to go. Go now. Go far. And just keep fucking going. Take all of the going, Jim. Take all the patriot movement nonsense and hightail it off to Montana and die in the woods playing pew-pews with your wilderness scout buddies or whatever you guys do.

Just go and die knowing this, that nothing you ever do will be remembered by anyone you carbon copy cut out wannabe loser. All right. And Noah, why don't you have a quack at Dr. Todd for Don? Oh, yeah. Dr. Todd Austin is a chiropractic quack that's discovered the secret to staying thin. It's a fucking starvation diet, mostly of cabbage, by the way. This guy, he's a fucking starvation diet mostly of cabbage by the way. This guy is a fucking idiot. And he's so pathetic that his website, shit you not

has a photograph of a newspaper article about the fact that he was starting this website and it's cropped so you can't tell what newspaper it was in or anything. So it could be an ad he bought in a mailer for all I fucking know. And he looks like he's

going to help us all have some good, clean fun with science at this assembly. Oh, so we got a couple of political ones here, too. Should be easy. Cecil, how about Texas Representative Dan Crenshaw? Dan, your policies are myopic. I mean,

they're short-sighted. They're patchwork. You have a hard time keeping your eye on the ball. You have to show your true grit. None of your plans seem solid, Snake. You have one eye, and it's hard not to notice that. I have. I'm sorry. Let's pretend to apologize so it'll come on the show and we can say it again.

One eye. You have one eye. One eye don't care. Dan, welcome back to the Cyclops. I'm here. Oh, that was I'm here. I'm sorry. We are here.

I'm sorry. All right. Another softball for Eli. Justin wants a roast of at Lady Maga USA and that's the pro-Trump drag queen oh wow how original

a white gay guy who's self-hating and racist enough to support Trump what a hot fucking take dude you're brave as the Jews who volunteered to be the guards at Auschwitz. But look, that's not what I want to roast this boy.

I want to roast this guy for having the worst fucking drag I have ever seen and I went to school in the village in the fucking office. Michael J. Fox did your fucking lipstick on a bus

and he was not doing it at all. Holy shit, man. I'd do the usual thing and tell you to go back to Party City, but you're probably banned for refusing to wear a mask. Another one that writes itself, Heath Jason would like you to roast

75% of Washington State Register voters who couldn't be bothered to vote in the midterms this year despite having the ballot mailed to them in a self-addressed stamped envelope. Jesus fucking Christ. So, you know the expression, you can't be neutral on a moving train? Yeah. Well, you're on a Nazi train, whether you like it or not.

And you decided to be neutral because the engineer who was going to take the train back away from Auschwitz wasn't your first fucking choice for engineer. They weren't exciting enough for you. Here's what I want you to do. All of you. Take out your earbuds for a second.

We're just going to do a little experiment. Borrow a set of full-size earphones for this. All right? You got them? Go fuck yourself with those earphones. Okay, Tom. How about a roast for Hayden? They want Republican from Ohio,

Brett Hillier, roasted. Just leave Brett alone. Who cares that he wants to have the Ten Commandments displayed in Ohio? No one will see him. They'll be in Ohio. Let it go. It's fine. And to round out this batch of political roasts, Noah, David would like you to tear

into Representative Virginia Foxx from North Carolina, and it was five times the minimum roast amount, so make it stick. Oh, God. Okay, so yeah, this is the congresswoman and not the silent movie actress, which is good because this one is an escaped Disney villain and will be much easier to roast. She's a straight

up terrible fucking person. During the Obamacare debate, she said the Republican pan was, quote, pro-life because it will not put seniors in a position of being put to death by their government. End quote. Yeah, she voted against the relief package for victims of Hurricane Katrina

because, you know, fuck them. She referred to the death of Matthew Shepard as, quote, a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing hate crime bills. End quote. And by the way, Matthew Shepard's mom was there

when she said that. Oh, she should die. Oh, boy, shouldn't she? An excuse for passing hate crime bills? Yep. Do we need an excuse? I'm okay with lying if it gets it done. She's not even okay with the goddamn truth to get you there.

Also, if you imagine someone yelling at you for not finishing a part of your meal that is inedible, you're going to be pretty much picturing virginia fox okay one more for each of us eli you go first hal's friend sean uh sean i know you're distracted by the cherry your frat has been making you carry in your butt for the last week but um it's they them dude it's. You know, like how you work on all of your projects. Not hard. And look, as easy as it would be

to roast you for the fact that your face looks like someone made a racist drawing of Alfred E. Newman, I think myself and Hal can be comforted by the fact that, Sean, your friend is going to make you

eat that chicken. And they still won't let you in another friend Christine's friend Justin okay well I'm looking at the picture right now Justin looks like me I was done

I was done I'll do a little bit more apparently Christine founded a university skeptics club that was quickly ruined by Justin being a quote skeptical alt-right feminist. a job now that you're out of that university, I hear Atheist Alliance International might be hiring. You might fit perfectly. Or maybe check out the Republican Atheists at your nearest endangered species

exhibit behind the glass. There's some of them there. You can check that out. Or maybe you could write a blurb for Robert Price's next blurb. You could be a blurb. Alright, so we're going to keep this friendly. Noah, this one's for you. Rose Spencer for Robert Price's next blurb. You could be a popular. All right. So we're going to keep this friendly. Noah, this one's for you.

Rose Spencer for his friend, Jonathan. All right. Well, Jonathan, in the future, man, if you want somebody to Rose Spencer, don't send a picture of him standing next to you. I'm assuming this is you in the picture. You know how if you were standing right next to the sun, it really wouldn't matter how bright your flashlight was?

It's like that. My God, man. An antebellum plantation oak tree definitely reported that beard stolen. So I will try to overlook your fucking mohawk and insult the guy next to you in this picture. Spencer, you look 8-bit. You look like your distinguishing features have been dumbed down to Commodore 64 sprite resolution. You look like a cartoonist that designed you was mostly worried about turnaround time.

Also, your best friend's second descriptor of you was fat. So you might want to talk to him about that if the colonies of insect living in his facial hair don't distract you too much along the way. All right. So the penultimate roast goes to Tom, so we don't end this one on crushing silence again. Another friend.

This one for Sahil. They want a friend and roommate Matt roasted. Seriously, this might have been one of the hardest roasts I've ever written. Matt is so fucking boring just to look at. I fell asleep three times trying to get through his bio. Matt, bird watching? That's your thing? You can look at any bird you want on the internet, Matt.

It's not that exciting here right now i'm gonna go and google hold on rarest bird oh there's an image i saw it good for me done got the rarest one bird watching so the fuck is too yep i saw that once a fucking hobby that's not a hobby fucking slug bug is more of a hobby than bird watching. Fucking shit. Good God, you're so fucking boring, Matt.

I had to pop seven fucking Adderall and drink a pot of coffee and I still fell asleep twice looking at your boring fucking face. I'm tired just reading this, guys. And finally, since I wrote the roast script, I gave reading this, guys. You gotta take a break. And finally, since I wrote the roast script, I gave myself an easy one.

Costco shoppers for Rachel. Hey, Costco shoppers, this is your intercom telling you that if you want to sample tiny little hot dogs in an unidentifiable sauce, just head over to the coffee maid aisle for some reason. Also, since all of you like this sample slop were given away

and none of you ever fucking eaten a single piece of food since you were born, be sure to create a line of carts that cuts off access to every fucking

freezer door in the warehouse. Did I mention we have a coffee mate aisle? Like a whole fucking 55 gallon drums of coffee mate? Why are you here?

I hope you brought a bunch of fucking boxes with you you weirdos. Because every single fucking thing we sell including Advil needs a two wheeler to get it in your car. Fuck it, you bought an entire cart full of groceries and you don't want to leave yet?

Why not belly up to our Coney Island hot dog bar where you can unhinge your jaw and choke on a 28-inch long hot dog for seven cents and some pocket lint, you fucking weirdos. You guys have a futures contract I could buy for this coffee mate?

Hey, you got a garage door in here somewhere? Anyway, that's it for this week, guys. Thanks for joining us. We appreciate it. Thank you, guys. We were obligated. So we want to thank our patrons.

Of course, we want to thank all our patrons. We want to thank our most recent patrons, Brett, Nicholas, Marcus, Joe, Kurti, Robert, and Damien. And we want to thank the people recent patrons, Brett, Nicholas, Marcus, Joe, Kurti, Robert, and Damian. And we want to thank the people who upped their pledges, Brian, Paul, and Kathy. Thank you so much for your generous donations.

Both Tom and I are still in that holding pattern. It's still, because, you know, COVID just changes every day and every single day. And one of the things that's tough specifically for me is, you know, with enrollments in higher ed, you know, I know where I'm at now.

And I think that I'll be okay, at least maybe in through the fall, but I don't know as stepping past that. And so we want to thank everybody who donates to the show, specifically want to thank everybody who's given to us recently during this tough time to make sure that both Tom and I might have to fall back onto the podcast. And we want to thank everybody who's gone out of their way and thought

enough of this show to donate and make sure that that would be possible for us. We cannot thank you enough for doing that. And if you want to support the show on a per episode basis, you can go to dissonancepod.com. There's a link there, or you can go to patreon.com slash dissonance pod, and you can become a supporter of the show. And we really would appreciate it. Yeah. I'm going to echo that and just say, like, if you guys are fans of the show, you've been listening for a long time. If you haven't become a patron, um, I'm just going to ask you like, just, can you become a patron please? Um, we, we could use it. It would help us, um, tremendously. Ian just had a baby. I mean, someone's got to feed that fucking thing. Yeah. So, you know, you can help us tremendously Ian just had a baby I mean someone's gotta feed that fucking thing

yeah right so you know if you could help us out we'd be grateful to you and we'll just keep doing the show then that'll be the trade off we'll trade you we'll just keep doing the show

that's the thing you know let's trade we kinda you know need a little help there we got a message from Martin and Martin said

he wanted to point out that Trump never holds the Bible upside down in the pictures and footage taken at St. John's Church. He holds it like a prop with the cover facing the camera and I think that's what people say when you're holding it backwards but it's not and if you

look there is a Snopes story and they're right and so we have been repeating that on the show and we want to be accurate. I will say he looks like someone who's never actually encountered a book before. So that genuinely, it looks like that to me. Like, it's almost like when I hold a baby and you know, you're just kind of like holding it out away from you. Like, can someone take this away from me? I don't think I'm qualified to hold this thing. That's what he looks like he's doing when he's holding the Bible to me.

that's what he looks like he's doing when he's holding the bible to me yeah admittedly i want to i want to stand corrected for sure and then i want to stand always more at ease than donald trump yeah because he always looks so fucking uncomfortable yeah in his own skin it's like he borrowed it from somebody else it was poorly fitting like, look, just zip yourself out of that fucking flesh suit and let me slither into it myself. Got a message from Michael. And Michael said, there is emergency social care workers, the Division of Child Protection. They have some social workers that can come out in crisis.

And yeah, we get that. But we're talking about, and these are the police that have to contact them, right? So there's a two-step process, right? So the social worker or the police calls a social worker and the social worker comes out. But what we're talking about is that if somebody needs somebody who doesn't need a guy with a gun to show up, can we call a social worker instead? And that's what I think we're getting at is a number that you would call and say, I need someone without a gun to show up and help this kid because he's having a tantrum that doesn't necessarily, that needs someone to

deescalate it, not someone to shoot him. Yeah. And I know you can call child, anybody can call child protective services, but they don't show up within four minutes. Like, there are times when you need an emergency response, and you don't get emergency responses from anything other than police, fire, and ambulance. And I think we need that. I think we need, like, that four to ten minute emergency response with fucking flashing red lights and the whole nine yards without the fucking bat utility belt of weapons. Yeah. Got a message from, this is from TJ and TJ asked us, basically, he's asking where, where should people get their news? Where should people, because he thinks that all news is biased. Yeah. Well, specifically, so I want to, I want to come, I will comment on two

things. He said, my fear slash thought is that all news sources today are colored to fit their party's agenda and everyone is lying. I think that almost all news, because news is written by people, people tend to hold biases. So I think that all news is probably biased to some degree. I don't think everybody's lying, though. I think that's news is probably biased to some degree. I don't think everybody's lying though. I think that's a big difference. I think lying by omission and then just straight out lying is really prevalent in some news sources that you should avoid.

Those news sources would be first, anything that you see on the internet that's just like my uncle once posted a meme about, right? Like that's garbage. Don't look at that. Seek out your news. Do it intentionally. Find news sources that are reputable sources that are not shares from other people.

That's an important thing to do. Like news should be something you intentionally consume. The intentionality of that consumption actually does matter. The next thing you should do is make sure you're not reading editorials when you're looking for news. News and editorials are different. Editorials are opinion pieces. They'll typically be labeled if it's a good news source. So if you go to the New York Times, editorials are labeled with opinion right at the top. That's not news. Don't consider that news. Consider that an editorial

or an opinion piece. When you want to look for news, it should just be like more of a recitation of facts. The more you can detect within the writing some kind of commentary or judgment, the less reliable I would say that that information is. I would say to get multiple sources, just like you wouldn't go to a doctor and if you were diagnosed with cancer and just be like, well, I guess I'm diagnosed with cancer and I'll just deal with what this one doctor says.

You would go out and find multiple opinions about it. Same thing here. You know, if there's an important story, don't just take NPR's take on it. Take a look at NPR. Take a look at ABC. Take a look at New York Times. Heck, take a look at Wall Street Journal. Take a look at The Economist. You can even look at National Review. You can look at right-leaning sources and left-leaning sources and see how they're approaching this particular thing. And, you know, if you want to find a way, a place in the middle where you can see it and say,

oh, you know what? Yeah, that's kind of where I stand. You could get that if you want to find a way, a place in the middle where you can see it and say, oh, you know what? Yeah, that's kind of where I stand. You could get that if you look at two different sources from two ends of the spectrum. So I would say multiple sources is always useful. I don't, I normally, you know, I will find one thing and then go try to find something else right away just to make sure that, you know, it's what the one place says it is. And I would also just like, I would add to that, that the truth is not always in the middle, right? So that's absolutely true. Yeah, for sure. The truth may be that the truth may skew to one direction. It doesn't make it less true because it has. So sometimes the truth will have a left-leaning or right-leaning bias.

Like that's okay. It's just up to you as the consumer to be able to suss that out. And admittedly, that's difficult. When something goes wrong on the left and the left doesn't want to talk about it, that's a fucking perfectly good time to go to the National Review and look and see what they're saying.

And then you can look at the other places that might pat it a little differently or couch it a little differently and then see what they have to say. But everybody's capable of fucking up. And so you want to make sure that you get your news sources from multiple places because it helps try to distill down

where things are coming from. If you're just reading like the Jacobin or whatever, where it's just all straight hard left news, you're going to get a hard left opinion and only a hard left opinion from that stuff. That's it. One other thing to add is I would consider a news source trustworthy if they regularly print retractions on their own material. That means that there's some level of editorial integrity. If a news source sort of doubles down on criticism rather than publishing retractions,

that is a source that you should be very dubious of. We got a lot of comments about Seth Andrews' talk we had last week. We're not going to rehash it and we're not going to go over it. People either agreed or they didn't. But we tried to respond to people who sent us private messages.

I know some people put up threads in different places and whatnot, but I didn't really follow much of that stuff. I got told about it, but I didn't really follow it. I will say that most people took it and didn't go with a very uncharitable take of it. They actually took it for what it's worth. And we got messages. I got messages from a lot of different people and responded to many different people this week about it. Several points I thought were very valid and we talked about those. And so I want to thank everybody for having a good discussion with me via email this week. That's sort of where I was sort of talking to people. And if you have a comment or something and want to talk about it, feel free to send us a message. We got a couple of places, both online and a message,

a private message about the take on the Buddha this last week. Someone said they were very disappointed in us. They thought that the story of the Buddha told by Chris Matheson was unfair and that not a lot of people believe the creation myth of him jumping out the side of his mom and taking a bunch of steps and falling down and saying he's the king of the world.

They don't believe that. And they thought that we approached it in an unfair way. I will say this. We are not approaching it in a fair way. We are talking about a guy's book. So that was not an expose talking about how Buddhism works. It was talking to a guy who admitted that he was a bitchy dude, uh, on the show specifically. We kind of called him out for it. He specifically

admitted he was a bitchy guy. And he said it was, it was a, what he was writing was obnoxious. And that was his story about what the Buddha was. I, I had never heard of it before. And I'll be, I'm going to double down and say, don't care about the story of the Buddha. I literally, you could not pay me to care about the story of Jesus, the story of the Bible, the story of Buddha.

It's all made up. It's all bullshit. I don't care about Harry Potter either. There's some fiction I just don't care about and those fictions I don't care about. So I just wanted to say out loud

that we were not trying to have some sort of integrity in telling the proper story of Buddhism in the world and the origin of Buddhism. So that was not our intent. We were talking about a book. Just to add one other piece, we skewer the religious all the time for the ridiculousness of their origin story.

We make fun of Genesis, even though most Christians don't believe Genesis to be literal. We make fun of it because this fucking shit is silly. We read Revelation years ago, and we made fun of it, even though most people don't think that someday there's going to be bees with helmets on showing up. Although, I don't know, I'm a little on the fence these days. If they showed up tomorrow, I wouldn't be all that surprised. Are those the murder hornets? I don't know. Maybe they were prophetic. But the point is, I think it's okay to make fun of religions for being silly because they all come from silly origins because all that shit's made up. If you love some tenet of a specific spiritual religion, if you get some solace from it,

we're not trying to take that from you by poking at the silliness from whence that sprang. We got an image this week, and Tom, you're just going to read it. This is an image from a paper. This was sent to us by Loughton, and Tom's just going to read it. Exclusive.

Meghan and Harry's new home sits behind a spooky estate once owned by the schizophrenic son of the inventor of the mechanical re Reaper who developed a foot fetish, carrying his slippers in his arms as if they were live pets. What the fuck is happening? I, what is that? Just the worst part is he didn't include it.

He didn't include a link to the story. I know. I know. It feels like a citation needed episode. Yeah. I actually literally thought that I'm like, who is this guy? This guy might be somebody I'd write about. Yeah. All actually literally thought that. I'm like, who is this guy? This guy might be somebody I'd write about.

Yeah. All right. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We want to thank, of course, the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm guys for joining us. You can check out all their podcasts at, you know, I mean, do I have to tell you? But go to Citation Needed.

If you go to citationpod.com, you can find links to all their podcasts there. And you can check out all of their work through Citation Needed. They join us every week on Citation Needed. And we do Vulgarity for Charity, which we are still plugging away at. Thank you guys for your patience. We also do a live stream every week. We had a lot of fun this week on the live stream.

And we want to specifically congratulate Ian and his wife. They just had a child, a baby girl. We want to congratulate Ian and thank him for being part of the Cognitive Dissonance family. And we hope the best for you, mom and baby Ian. Congratulations. Congratulations, Ian. From the show. And so that's going to wrap it up for this week.

We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch sales pitch late night info docutainment Leo Pisces cancer cures, detox, reflex

foot massage, death in towers tarot cards, psychic healing crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons giant worms, Atlantis dolphins, truthers, birthers witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers evangelists, conspiracy Against giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards.

Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. Evangelists. Conspiracy. Double speak stigmata. Nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.