Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 557: Toaster Shakins 2020

Episode Date: January 1, 2021

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Welcome to Toaster Shaken's 2020, the best and worst of cognitive dissonance over the last year. We realize this year has been really difficult for a lot of people, and we hope that this episode is a tiny bright spot. So here it is. This clip comes from episode 511, Super Bowl Crotch Shot, released on February 17th. I think we ought to go sit down in the courtroom and present this as evidence. But how? What he's got called up is some Bible verses.

Tom, why don't you read 2 through 6 because that's all that's available to us. All right. And Jesus called a little child unto him and set him in the midst of them. Wait a second. Hold on a second. I think maybe those priests are taking this a little too literally. All right. Okay.

And said, Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive

one such little child in my name, receiveth me. Well, that sounds dirty. I don't know. Anyway, the last one. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones, which believe in me,

it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that in italics for no reason, he were drowned in the depth of the sea. What? Jeez. That came out of nowhere, Jesus, king of peace. Taking a fucking, dropping a dropping a motherfucker with cement shoes

and shit. Jesus was OG, man. Right? Fucking A. It's a nice converted little kid you got here. It'd be a shame if something happened to him. You know what I'm saying? Like someone were to drown him for a little bit and then not drown him and then drown him and then not drown him and then drown him and then not drown him. Yeah. First off, this means literally nothing.

Yeah. Okay. What it means is that if a child converts to love jesus and then you offend him yeah you should be killed for offending a child hopefully the child's like the kid from the the twilight zone he could just wish you in the cornfield so you don't have to get drowned by the neck just if you take offense you offended a child who cares they're kids they don't even have feelings and sometimes they just get offended for no reason. Right. Yeah, because they're fickle. Yeah.

Kids get offended because they didn't get their way right now. Yeah. They could be getting their way in a little while. And a moment the other night where I was at Binnie's, and I have these moments a lot where the, the fake sweat off my head and say, thank goodness I'm not a parent. But there was,

I was in Binnie's. This guy's got his two kids and they're two little, very small children. And one of them is throwing the biggest tantrum in the world because he can't sit in the other seat

because there's two kids. So one of them wants to sit in the other seat and he's throwing the biggest tantrum in the world. And his dad is very calmly trying to tell him, you got to calm down. That's where you said you wanted to sit. And I've got to, you've got to make a decision.

And you made the decision to sit there and the kids, I want to sit in the back. And he's screaming. And it was really funny. And so I'm trying to look at bourbons, but I can't because this fucking guy is hogging the whole goddamn aisle with him and his brood screaming at each other. I can't fucking walk past him. But at one point, I see the dad yelp and double over and he stands

up and he says, you just kicked me in the penis. And he made the kid apologize for kicking him in the penis. You say you're sorry to my penis. The kid's like, I'm sorry I kicked your penis. And he's like, you just hit me right in the penis. And he's yelling. It's the funniest shit I've ever seen. It's like, where am I?

What is happening in the world right now? I thought you were at a liquor store. Oh, God, it's so strange. Who has that conversation? Who has a loud, yelly fight with that kid about who kicked who in the penis

in the bourbon aisle? What the fuck? That is more of a tequila conversation. It really is. Like, I understand having that conversation around the box wine. That makes sense.

That is a light beer called conversation, right? That's like like over by the keystone you know what would be great is if the kinds of fights that

people had happened in the right section of the liquor store like over by the natty light it's just like somebody beating

his wife he's just he's just standing there with his sister wife and she's she's pregnant

yeah half shirt on whoever is keeping me from getting into the kingdom of heaven could i go into a courtroom and say viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire. Turn it off, you fucking idiots. Jesus. The moment you see a titty, turn it off. The moment you see whatever, turn it off. It's not like you were stuck. It's not like there was a fucking ray that came out of this, like a tractor beam that held you in position to watch it. Turn the shit off. The moment you see Shakira shake one hip.

All it takes is one hip shake. You're not even lying right now. I love too that like his god is mad at him for watching something he didn't intend to watch. Yeah. Like you're fucked anyway man. How the fuck are you going to get through an entire lifetime not accidentally seeing something? Yeah you've got to have

you've got to have you've got to have glasses that reflect that show you the world with a seven second delay. Right. That automatically go dark the moment

you would see anything that you would input would be offensive. Right. So the world has to be on a seven second delay for you so there's a sensor moment

in there where you can stop it. That's the kind of world you have to watch if you want to be one of the 144 Jehovah Witnesses that make it to fucking, the fucking place in the sky.

You get all the way to heaven and God's like, well, you accidentally saw a titty, so burn it, hell. Here's what I did. I made seven billion titties. That's on you I made 7 billion titties Populated

I sprinkled them all over the whole World Sprunkled them I done sprunkled them And guess what You saw a titty. That's all you, boy. I didn't mean to see the titty.

That's all you, boy. I didn't mean to see the titty. Yeah, no. You might have even seen a ball sack, too. I did, I did. I did see the ball sack. I made 3.5 billion ball sacks. Nobody likes ball sacks.

They shouldn't even count. It has 7 billion balls, but there's only 3.5 billion ball sacks. I did the math like I did the serpent heads and the crowns. It's not one to one now. It's not a one to one ratio. I don't do that. I don't count all that good. I'm not going to lie.

Production line ain't so hot. There's three and a half billion snatches out there. You might have seen a pubic region. You fuck, boy. Could the court say, Roger, could the court say that doesn't apply here? That doesn't apply here?

Because- Yes. Yes. Yeah. Unless you got God to come down and say like, your damages are hell. God's account comes out. Yeah, no,

that Super Bowl show put, let me see, there was 15 million, 15 million people in hell. Yeah. I mean, they won't experience it now. They'll experience it in the future, but that definitely put them in hell.

And some insurance adjusters like, okay, and our table says that one trip to hell is worth 11,000, carry the four. All right right it's a little more than an eye a little less than a toe um pornography the right to porn overrides your right to watch it yeah but you didn't tell me i was gonna watch it you just brought it into my living room you

didn't tell me and i couldn't turn it off like all the other porn in my house. It's just there. And I'm just. I can't stop. Martha, come over here and jerk me off. I'm watching porn. If I do it myself, it's gay. You don't want your husband to be gay, do you?

Jerk me off! Of course I'm going to keep watching the porn! I can't stop! It's on, isn't it? It has to stay on! What an asshole. That's so stupid. Jesus Christ.

God. Yeah, you're a fool. Oh, my God. Such an idiot. You didn't tell me there were going to be crop shots. You said, well, you should know better. You should know better because it's J-Lo and whoever that was. You should know.

She's some other Mexican or whatever. Whoever that was. Whoever that Mexican was. With her crotch between her legs. What was she? Mexican? Moroccan? A Mex-Roccan?

What was she? All I know is she's pink inside. Marcia, I need you to jerk me off again. I'm thinking about Shakira. He's spent his whole life getting awkward hand shots. He's just standing next to her

while she's cooking and she's dave toppenmeyer channel is just a bored and ignored handjob oh fuck all day it's like the first uh breaking bad episode actually remember that is it is there a bored handjob in that one i don't remember yeah i think the show starts off like he's in bed and his wife is jerking him off while reading her book jesus christ like you. This is just for you or something. He's just like looking around like what the fuck is wrong with my life?

Yeah, at that point, uninstall because you need to reinstall everything. At that point, like cancer, you're just like, yeah, I'm good. I'm riding this one out. You're an expert in crop shots. You already know that, no? Hold on.

Hold on, Tom. Did we miss something? We missed something. I love him so much. What did he say? He's so worked up. Oh, he's so worked up. Let's hear what he says.

Because of J-Lo and whoever that was, you should know, she's an expert in croc shots. You already know that, no? I protect my eyes. I didn't know that about her. So you knew it, but you knew it five seconds into the show.

You knew it, you knew it at least from the first crotch shot, right? She's an expert at crotch. You think she's running the camera? Do you think she's telling the cameraman, okay, zoom in on my, first of all, I guarantee nobody zoomed in on just her crotch. I wouldn't mind it, but I don't think they did. Like that would be a really weird thing to do. For the camera guy.

Like, jumbotron vision. And then they just say, Joe, you're fired. We're not doing this again, Joe. Last year, you zoomed in on... That's the third time. Last year, you zoomed in on Maroon 5's pelvic bones. We're not going to have this again this year. I'm sitting there and I'm watching it.

Why don't we sue? Is it not discriminatory for me to say I love watching the NFL. I want to watch the Super Bowl, but I don't want to watch that.

If they bring that into my house is that not discriminatory no no what are you talking about do you not understand what discriminatory even means yeah who is discriminating against you and on what basis here's the first thing you should do watch the kitten bowl halftime show on the puppy bowl because they do a kitten bowl halftime show you can watch pussy and not feel weird about it. He would still jerk me off anyway, Martha. Get in here. I don't care what pussy's on the screen.

You sign the contract. There's like 14 pussies naked on the screen. And they're all young, tight pussies. Look at the hairless pussy on the street. And they're all young, tight pussies. Look at the hairless pussy in the car. That's the modern pussy. That's what it is. It's all oiled up.

Shooting around out there. Get in there. What is that, Cat Brazilian? This clip comes from episode 514, Modest released on march 9th christian mother tries defending her guide to hitting kids Here's something she says in the guide quote. It has to hurt So I got I got her. I think I think the best thing to do is to read Some of the things from her guide here, right?

So this one is in in this first one is in reference to, I guess her beating someone for four straight hours. We had to spank, she wrote spark, but we had to spark her kitchen. Well, it depends. I mean, if you put one of those Emory boards on their ass, smack a match against it,

get a spark. She just sparking a lighter against them for four hours. She comes in, she's, Timmy, a lighter against him for four hours she comes in she's Timmy you've been very bad and she pulls out the jumper cables

and clips one on his ear she's just Marie Kondo the parent she's like you don't spark joy she donates him she vacuum seals the kid and throws him away

she folds him very neatly very neatly first and then thanks him puts him in the garbage did you watch that show throws him away. She folds him very neatly first. Very neatly first. And then thanks him. Puts him in the garbage. Did you watch that show? I've watched all of them.

That is, I turned it off after the first episode. Really? I literally couldn't do it. I hate that woman. Why? She like fucking talks to clothes. That's why, Tom. She's crazy, Tom.

That's why I hate her. It's real easy. She's insane. She's a crazy Tom. That's why I hate her. It's real easy. She's insane. She's a crazy person. Thank you. Thank you, clothes. Fuck you. You're nuts.

You're a psycho. And like all the people, she walks in and she says, no, your clothes are unhappy. And I'm like, you're a crazy person. Get out of my house. I turned it off. I couldn't turn it off fast enough. I love it. Oh oh I hated her so much I could not stand her

I was like no you people all you people and the thing is it's a nut case and then everybody's nodding and I'm thinking

what are you nodding about she's a crazy person I don't know if she really believes she's talking to the clothes or if it's just a metaphor for like a way to release

your attachment to things. Apologist. You're an apologist. You're a Marie Kondo apologist. I like her. She's a psychopath. I like getting rid of stuff. I do too.

I love the idea of like having less stuff. I don't need a little Asian to make me get rid of stuff. I know, right. I get rid of shit all the time. We give away all kinds of stuff all the time. We actually went through a few weeks ago, maybe five or six weeks ago.

We called it Marie Kondo-ing. We're doing like room by room. We did our kitchen. Yeah. And like, we got rid of eight or nine big boxes. Sure, yeah. Full of stuff. Stuff I like.

I was just like, I like this. And I'm like, I haven't used it in three years. Yeah. But I don't like it that much. I don't, you know, I actually don't need this. And like- I do the same thing all the right so it's it's a nice i understand the impulse for the process and i appreciate like that minimalism as a lifestyle and i'm bad at it yeah so like i have to be reminded sometimes to like like i'll give you a great example the other

day i was at the grocery store and they had like um they had guinness blonde and they were samples right so i sampled it and i actually liked it and i was shocked so i was like oh i've never tried it it's really good it's kind of citrusy and i was like i'll grab it but not like actually citrusy just citrus coming from the anyway so i grabbed a six-pack i was like oh if you're buying it you get like a glass and we'll add your name on this like pint glass and instinctively i reached out for it right and then i was like i don't need a pint glass. I'll throw it away. You're going to hand it to me.

I'm going to put it in my kitchen cabinet. I'm going to have it for six years. It's going to move with me three times in my life. And I'm going to pack it very carefully so I can put it in a different cabinet. And never look at it. And never use it. Never look at it. So I was like, I don't actually need that shit.

But my whole life, I'm just like reflectively reaching for things people offer. Yeah, because they give it to you. Right. Sure, makes sense. Somebody offered me a flashlight at a seminar I was at the other day. I had to give a seminar

that was giveaways. Like, oh, do you want one of our giveaways? And I reached out for this cheap plastic flashlight and I was just like, I don't need that at all. What do I need it for?

Like, I slapped my own hand. You're going to throw it away later. Right. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so we had to spank each of our children for around four hours one

time it's all it took and then they knew that they weren't the boss and they were to obey us could you imagine beating it i mean at that point you might as well just ship them off to guantanamo bay four hours yeah i mean that's that's enhanced interrogation right there right that's what that is why not why i want not waterboard him for one? Save yourself three hours. Goddamn. Four hour beating. Like at some point,

you're like taking a rest. Yeah. You're like, your hand hurts. Sure. You're just like sweating. It's like hour two and a half. Have you ever had to, you know, like when you have guests coming over

and you clean your whole house and it takes an hour and a half or something and you're tired after that. Right. Could you imagine beating someone for four hours four hours four everybody's look there's nothing fun at four hours like i don't care how fucking kama sutra you want to get on anything nothing is fun at four hours exactly and what kind of vendettas do you have against this child right why could they have possibly done that warranted four hours of beating? What, did they kill your mom?

What the fuck did they do? I spent your retirement fund and killed a baby. They could be doing fucking crystal meth hits off the fucking back of the babysitter's ass. Still don't beat him for four straight hours. The fuck are you talking about? This clip comes from episode 520, N95 Pants, released on April 20th. This story comes from The Independent. A different independent, though. This is a different independent, not a reputable one. Independent.ng. I don't know anything about it. This story also

was, I found, did find it on a science, like a science-based news one, too. I did find another version of this. It's not as cheeky as this one is, though. You should just read this one. I just want to... Yeah, that's why I grabbed this one, actually. Cheeky. Coronavirus can spread through farts. Report.

The deadly coronavirus could be spreading through farts. Silent but deadly coronavirus? A deadly coronavirus could be spreading through farts. Silent but deadly coronavirus? You're just crop dusting like fucking Typhoid Mary. You're just... Oh, God. Oh, that's right. I had nothing but fucking kimchi for a week.

Just a... Every elevator, you kill everyone in the elevator every time. Oh my God. The deadly coronavirus could be spreading through farts, according to doctors, but farts are unlikely to transmit the virus, provided pants are worn. Yeah, as long as they're N95 pants, you're fine. I read that. I was like,

well, first of all, based on that last story, that's a big fucking if. I'm just saying, provided pants are worn. Yeah, well, and also, that makes me think I'm just going to wrap pants

around my face to walk around. That's the case. Tests carried out have shown that the virus was present in the feces of more than half of patients with COVID-19. They said more research needed to be done to rule out passing the disease on to people through omitting bodily gases. A doctor raised the issue on social media, highlighting work by Australian doctor Andy Tagg, which he called an enjoyable thread about whether farting can cause coronavirus. tag, which he called an enjoyable thread about whether farting can cause coronavirus.

In his findings, Tag's cited test carried out earlier this year, which showed 55% of patients with SARS-CoV-2 had at present in their poo. In their poo. In their poo. Well, SARS-CoV-2 can be detected in feces and has been detected in an asymptomatic individual up to 17 days post-exposure. The doctor added that previous tests have shown farts have the power to spray talcum powder long distances. I have so many questions. Wait, wait. Okay. So there are some clinical trials that I want to be involved in.

Of all the clinical trials I've ever heard of, this is the one I want to be involved in. This is the one I absolutely want. And I want to be involved in. This is the one I absolutely want. And I want to be involved in it on an aggressive way to win. Like I want to win. Like I don't want to just, I don't want to just be like, yeah, you could get a thing. I want to know what everybody else's score was. And I want to measure up. That's what I want to do. That's my goal. So, so just like logistically, how are you doing this study? Worst clinical trial ever. If you're the guy who has to test it. Are you just like laying on your belly with like an asshole? I hope so. Dusted in talcum? Oh God. How do you spend your Wednesdays? Or are you like getting like a talcum enema? Like what? I just wanted to like,

I seriously like, it's just like, just like, how are you working this out? Yeah. I don't know. Like standing, are you bent over?

You're just like, everyone's like waiting with bated breath and finally have to turn to the scientist. You're like, hey, a washed ass never farts, dude. Do you have to,

do you have to pull like the ripcord when you go? Like, you know, like when you when you pull the ripcord and you fart, you have to do one of those. Like somebody

has to pull your finger. And you're just like, well, pull my finger. Somebody has to pull your finger in order to go. There's a dad there who just won't fart

until somebody comes up and pulls his finger. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is it like a MythBuster-style high-speed camera of this talc explosion from this fucking ass?

Does Carrie have to come over with a billows full of talc and put it in your ass? How does that work? Grant builds a fucking robot to do it. Here's an android farting and some guy online is like, you found my kink.

Jesus Christ. There is somebody jerking off to talcum powder farts right now. This clip comes from episode 523, Secular Survey, released on May 11th. So this story comes from the smoking gun. And Cecil, I actually, I found this story and I was like, no fucking way is this true.

So I had to do like a little extra research before I would believe it. So I grabbed this from the smoking gun and I grabbed it from the smoking gun because the smoking gun actually links directly to the police report. So it links directly to the police report and I

I'm going to read the headline and then I want to read directly a little bit from the police report. If you don't mind. Sounds great. That sounds fine. I'll humor you. Yeah. Ohioan 50 arrested after calling 911 to report that her pussy was ablaze you know yeah there you cut weak sometimes we cover the soft issues but now we're covering

the hard issues on this episode so you know it's good to think this highly of yourself you know what i mean when you're like god, my pussy is on fire today. This thing is the fire. Let me tell you. Damn, my pussy's smoking hot. Damn. I will say though, looking at this lady, you know her pussy fire smells like a Newport light.

You know it just by looking at her. You know it. I think a Newport light is the step up. Her pussy smells like a fucking tire fire in a fish factory it smells like an unfiltered Chesterfield like he's just like

this is amazing this is like this this story reads like it's like a setup for like a bad porno

totally does like there's gonna be a pizza guy with a hole cut like a bad porno. Totally does. Like there's going to be a pizza guy with a hole cut in a box coming to the door. It's so great. Pull this sausage out of the box. Whatever will I do? Right? Oh, pool boy.

Like it's like that kind of like cheese ball fucking setup. Absolutely. It's fucking amazing. So this is from the actual police report. On the above date and time, dispatch received a phone call at approximately 2201 hours

from a phone number later traced back to Katrina Morgan. Katrina told dispatch, I already love this. I already love this. They're like, yeah, we traced their phone call

because that's how phones work. I just, the other thing I love is like the amount of like technological resources and sophistication expended to find out whose pussy is on fire. We have a complicated switchboard system to know. switchboard system to know. Katrina told dispatch that she needed the fire department because quote, her pussy was on fire. She then requested the statement,

repeated the statement, and that she needs quote, somebody to come put it out with their hose. You know, here's the thing, Tom. All those firemen out there putting out their calendars every month, they brought this on themselves. It was how they were dressed. It was how you were dressed, firemen.

You did this to you. You only have yourself to blame, firemen. Right? Yeah. Maybe you should have worn those overalls with no shirt like that. Yeah, how dare you? How dare you? How dare you be generally physically fit? In this environment? Fuck you guys. Right? Like in America,

in America in 2020, if you don't, if you're not like cultivating like a dad bod on top of your dad bod. Who knows shit, right? Like at this point, I'm made exclusively out of like pasta and brownies and a lack of fucking empathy and activity. It's just, I'm just like, I don't care.

I'm just sitting like, ugh. My whole lower half is just comfort food at this point. Ugh. Yeah. Oh God.

My tears have gained weight. So what did these guys do? Did they get into the Batmobile and come by? No. Like, well, then I just finished. She stated again that they needed to come out to put her pussy out because it is on fire. That's fair. Instead, they came out and arrested her ass.

She probably called back first and asked if their refrigerator was running do you have Prince Albert in a can? you better let him out you ever make prank calls when you were a kid? oh yeah I had like the most fucked up babysitters when I was a kid growing up my dad was a single dad

and he worked and like, we just were like, we were raised by a series of like, like tragically bad babysitters. Like every babysitter is lemony snicket. They're just like, like stories I will not tell. Like this is tragically bad.

You just like, you look back and you're like, that was just abusive. Like just tragically bad. Is there any way I could snort meth off your kid's back? If it's weird, I won't do it. But, you know. Like, it's just, it's so crazy the fucking babysitters we had.

But, yeah, we had one babysitter. No, we had two babysitters. One of them, we were very young, who taught us how to make prank phone calls. And, like, then she started to make, like, really sexually make prank phone calls. And like, then she started to make like really sexually inappropriate prank phone calls. And I was like third or fourth grade. Shut the fuck up for what now? How the, oh, what?

Like she would, and like, she would do this and like, she would like, we'd be on the other line. It would be like laughing and like kind of barely understanding what was going on and she would spend like huge chunks of the babysitting time just like making like really sexually inappropriate prank phone calls and i thought it was great i'm so when i look back at it as an adult i'm like i was like eight i'm like that's not okay i'm so uncomfortable right now holy shit tom i think you shouldn't be telling this to an abuse hotline.

Like, what the fuck, man? So, we made prank phone calls. Like, my whole life, we made prank phone calls until they started doing the, you know, the star 69 thing, which allows you to recall people, you know what I mean? So, or until, you know, caller ID became a big thing. But I remember one time we were at a campground in the middle of nowhere and we were all drunk as fuck. And there was a pay phone that

tells you how long ago it was. There's a pay phone there. And I remember one of the guys, Eric, who was with us, he just, he dialed, he called the police station and was trying to tell him that he saw the UFO and he's using a really funny voice. And we were all just crying, laughing. And he'd hang up and they'd call back and they'd be like, he'd like pretend that they were the UFO people. It was so, because they could call back

because they're the police, right? So what do they get? You know, they call back like, we know your prank call. He's like, you know, and he's making a funny voice being like, I swear I saw a UFO, you know? And he's like doing all this.

And he made, he just did it for like a half an hour, you know, and finally someone was like, they're going to send somebody out here eventually. So we need to, you know, leave or whatever.

We went back to our tent, but I remember just falling over laughing, just him on the phone with them. And you couldn't, the problem was you're on a pay phone. So you couldn't hear what they were saying. You could only hear his reactions, but it was funny enough just with his reactions, you know?

So. Yeah. Prank phone calls were like, that's like part of the world that like we're just not going to grow up with. Yeah, you're right. You know? Like prank phone calls were like,

they were like a defining feature of like my fucking misbegotten adolescence, you know? You know, before answering machines, you just answered the phone, right? So like before answering machines really were a thing, you answered the phone. Then once the answering machines got in, then you started screening your calls. And then you got a pager and that screens your calls for you.

And then you got a cell phone and that essentially screens your calls because you can see who's calling you. And now if I don't recognize your number, I'm literally never picking up the phone. Your voicemail, as long as I have ever known you, your voicemail has always been like, if I don't know this number, I'm not going to answer it. Leave me a message, punk or something crazy. Like super aggressive shit. It's so funny.

Because you get this fucking annoying people that send you messages, that call you constantly. I have a spam blocker on my phone and I still get calls from people who are like, hey, this is your heating company. We have a refund for your gas bill. My condo doesn't even have gas, right? So my condo, I can't even get a gas anything in my condo and they're telling me I have a gas refund. And I'm just like, you're an idiot.

So I still get calls like that on my voicemail. So I know for sure I'm getting, you know, I get these all the time. Oh, it's so frustrating. The best feature is just being able to like you get a number and you can just block it now. And it's just like, you know, when it just goes away. It's like that never happens again.

Super great. So did they catch this lady? Of course they caught it. Yeah, they showed up at her fucking house and they're just like and they show up and she's fucking piss-ass drunk with a bunch of other people. And he was like, of course she was piss-ass drunk. Like, she basically, like, she fucking called the fire department with a, you up. That was like, she's like trying to, like, what is she thinking?

With like an eggplant and a sploosh, you know? Right. I love this. It's like, this is like, this is like calling the fire department and sending them an unsolicited dick pic. Like, what do you think is going to happen? They send a hose back. What I love about this too is that the fire department

was diligent enough to go out there just in case some stray cat was lit on fire. Just in case we got to do the due diligence, there might be a cat in danger. Let's go. Yeah. They just show up to find out that she's a ginger and like the, the curtains match the drapes.

And you're just like, all right, look at that. She wasn't even lying. That thing is, look at it. It's like fucking Ron Weasley down there. This clip comes from episode 525.

Fatty Boom Batty released on May 25th. So this is just weird. This is from foodandwine.com. And I've actually seen this and versions of this in a couple of different places. Trying to support a local pizza joint just to make sure it isn't actually Chuck E. Cheese. So here's the thing. Like there are giant chain and like in this case like literally the worst chain possible there's the lowest quality pizza can you actually think of a lower quality pizza

my kids fucking love cc is so funny that you say that my kids that's our ordering pizza place shut up no way really yeah it's so funny they say that yeah we order pizza from of choice. Shut up. No way. Really? Yeah. It's so funny that you say that. Yeah, we order pizza from CeCe's and I love CeCe's because I can order a pizza for both of the boys. Like all three boys eat pizza, right? And I do it frequently every other Friday. So I order pizza and you can get two large pizzas from CeCe's for like $11 or something. It's so cheap.

It's like you can't afford not to buy it. It's so cheap. It's like, you can't afford not to buy it. It's so fucking cheap. And it arrives and the kids have no palate. So they have no idea that they're eating like cardboard and grease and ketchup and like plumber's caulk. So I used to hang out. It's the worst tub.

It's so bad. Every Tuesday night we game, right? So we're gaming. It's my gaming group and they decide we used to go to a restaurant before this

someone would come home and then we like because you'd always waiting for somebody to get home to open a door so that you could go into somebody's house

right so that's where because we'd always congregate at somebody's house and so beforehand we used to get together at like 5 o'clock in the evening

and we'd have dinner and then we'd go game for a couple hours and then we'd all leave. Well, we were doing it at this local restaurant in a town called Plainfield and the restaurant was a greasy spoon, you know, golden pancake or something it was called, something like that, you know, just one of those.

It's like a basic, very simple restaurant and everybody was fine with it and then one week somebody said, hey, let one of those. It's like a basic, very simple restaurant and everybody was fine with it. And then one week somebody said, hey, let's try CC's next week. And I remember being, I remember saying, I don't want to go to CC's because I'd never been to CC's before, but it did not look like a thing I wanted to do. And he said, look, it's like a buffet. You could, it's everything you want. At least the one by there was a buffet, I guess. I guess they have a buffet there. I don't know, but it was a buffet. You paid, I think it was $5 and as much pizza you could eat.

And so I show up next week and I got a piece of pizza. Because they're counting on that being pretty low. I got a piece of pizza and I took one bite of it and I looked across the table at the guy who said,

he's like, it's pretty good, right? And I said, no, this is the worst pizza I've ever eaten in my entire goddamn life. It was seriously worse than when I was growing up and there was like pizza in my entire goddamn life. It was seriously worse than when I was growing up and there was like pizza in the cafeteria at school. It was worse than that. And that pizza, you're not sure

was actually cooked in an oven. You think maybe it was always this warm. It's just like, you're not sure if it was actually cooked at all. It's just, it was warmed up in the arm instead of a lunch lady. Exactly. It's the worst it was warmed up in the arm instead of a lunch lady. Exactly. It's the worst.

And that pizza was better. It had the little rabbit turd sausage on it back in the day. Like, it's the worst. It's genuinely the worst. And I took a bite of this pizza

and I said, I cannot believe how bad this pizza is. I literally, I am incredulous to how bad this pizza was. And the guy said, well,

it's only $5. And I said, it's $5. That's overpaid. I was like, that's a full $5 overpaid for this pizza. So here's the deal

in the story. Like, oh, I got to read you a tweet. I got to read you a tweet before we move on. Chuck E. Cheese, I got to read you a tweet. This is my favorite tweet.

This was about Chuck E. Cheese. Hi, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese. Everything is visibly dirty and our mascot is a rat. Eat some pizza near a sneezing child. That is, if that isn't their fucking tagline. You have a giant rat.

It's a giant rat. It's a rat though. Like nobody thought that through nobody was like no a mouse is bad food service industry well it's funny because i never have thought of chucky cheese i always thought of the food as like an ancillary afterthought sure sure the. And like, and I've always thought of Chuck E. Cheese actually as like,

like the child version of off the strip bad casinos in Vegas. Oh, perfect. That's a perfect analogy. Absolutely. It's like everything, just like it's,

it's dirty fucking, you know, one-armed bandits. Absolutely. That's it. It's, it's where people like go to chain smoke and die.

That's, that's all it is. Absolutely. So so so i've always thought of like the food is like the consolation prize like you're there you gotta eat something it may like they were gonna force fit the idea that somebody would order in chucky cheese literally has never occurred to me until like you start looking at grub hub and like these other deliveries and you're like you would order that on purpose yeah yeah like on purpose you have other choices like going hungry tonight or like slamming your head in a fucking van door until you were rendered unconscious like you could do that or you could eat chucky cheese jesus well that they but the problem is that they tricked people that's why people. That's why this is crazy

is because they called the name of the restaurant Pasquale's I guess. Pasquale's. But it turns out like that's the rat's middle name or something. It's like Chuck E. Pasquale cheese

or something. And they just took, they're like, yeah, it's Pasquale's. And then they did a reverse search to find out because somebody was like, this pizza tastes like Chuckie cheese. It's the worst. I thought I was fucking paying for a fucking local restaurant and it's fucking Chuckie cheese. You open the box and start shitting yourself.

You're like, that's Chuckie cheese. Yeah, it's just full of those fucking gross balls with boogers on them in there or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? The fucking ball pit. Jesus Christ. Nasty little fucks. Sneezing all over the place. God damn it.

This is happening more and more. I've seen a bunch of articles where like big chain businesses are not being patronized as much. And so they're putting themselves up on these delivery services as different businessmen. Fuck that though. That's bullshit. You know, I don't want to fucking, if I want to get like support a local business, I want to order from, you know,

like Henry the Ace delicious sandwiches and I don't want to find out it's fucking Burger King. You know what I mean? Like what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's a total bullshit, sneaky ass way to like prey on people's better instincts to support the little guy. Yeah. It's a really fucking kind of shitty evil thing to do. And then when it's all over, the worst part is you ended up with Chuck E. Cheese's pizza that you paid actual money for.

ended up with Chuck E. Cheese's pizza that you paid actual money for. This clip comes from episode 529, Momentum, released on June 22nd. Oh, God. Can we play the clip? Because it's fucking solid gold what this guy is saying. It's amazing.

So this story comes from WKRN.com. Police, 58-year- old arrested on child porn charges after purchasing and eating soiled underwear okay okay okay tom yeah tom yeah why would you why would you paste this into the fucking notes what the fuck is wrong with you man jesus christ Christ. Here's why. Because like this police captain or whatever that is talking about this

is absolutely solid gold because he absolutely cannot believe what has happened on his day at the work today. Let's listen. Admittedly, this is one of those work days that goes down in the anals of history for sure.

Here we go. He's 58 years of age. His name is Jose Ariza. We charged him with distributing child porn and attempting to purchase child porn. Well, here's the newsflash. You look at this guy, Jose. You know what else he was doing online? He was purchasing sold underwear.

Jesus. Did you hear me? He's so appalled. Did you hear what I said? There's a market out there. You can go online, and if you're a deviant, This has nothing to do with the charges. There's a market out there. You can go online, and if you're a deviant, and you're into sold underwear, and you know what all kinds of things get in sold underwear, right?

Sometimes you think you're passing gas, and you're not. You can't trust a fart when you're over 60. This is at a press conference. At this press conference, he is basically standing there being like, we've all shat our pants, right, guys? Not if you're in Switzerland or whatever the fuck we talked about earlier. They'd find the shit out of you over there. Are you kidding me?

There's somebody out there who's just like, oh, I'm going to sell that one. What are you doing over there? It stinks. Oh, I'm just making some money. Yeah, that's the scent of us getting rich, babe. Jesus Christ. This is the most disgusting story I've ever heard in my entire life. The best thing has nothing to do with this guy's criminal activity.

It's just this guy is so fucking appalled by it. He just can't even believe it. He can't stop himself from talking about it he's like no i'm really grossed up at this i need to share this with you it's nasty as shit let me tell you something he seriously was like oh man call a press conference david get the press here. Now, is he talking about... So he's just talking about soiled underwear in general. He's not talking about like child underwear.

It literally has nothing to do. It doesn't appear from the child porn. And he spends like no time on the child porn thing. And he's just like, I can't even believe what else this guy was up to,

which isn't even illegal. He's just grossed out. And he has a whole press conference to tell America that he's grossed out. I want to see if there's any more. Give me a sec. This guy will buy it. He was buying these things and ingesting them. Did you hear me?

He was m ingesting them. Did you hear me? He was munching on them. This guy's got problems. I don't know if he realizes it or not, but the rest of the world does. Why do I do that? You'd think it was for some levity. It's not for levity. I want you to understand what deviants these people really are.

He's married. He's got two adult children. He was an IT specialist in communication for Lockheed Martin with a master's degree from Florida International University. What are they teaching these kids? And a culinary degree from Fruit of the Loom. What are they teaching these kids? A culinary degree from Fruit of the Loom. What are they teaching these kids in college

nowadays? Goddamn liberal arts colleges. This clip comes from episode 532, Vulgarity for Charity 2019 Part 7, released on July 13th. Kanye didn't just announce, like, that he was running for president on July 4th, by the way.

Fucking Justice Baller. He was interviewed. And my God, my God, this interview. I just got to run through some of these questions, Cecil, with you. Sure, yeah. No, absolutely, yeah. And I thought about this, actually, prior to our record, because it's only fair. I thought about this actually prior to our record because it's only fair

before during the primaries we gave plenty of time to go through candidate by candidate and kind of do a little breakdown of what that candidate stood for to really act I think as a public service for our listeners so I think this interview how many fucking Grammys does Biden have?

that's what I'm asking that's the fucking hard hitting question I'm asking. That's the fucking hard-hitting question I'm asking. All I want in the whole world, I mean, obviously, Kanye is not going to become president, but when he doesn't- Wait a second. Wait a second. I'm sorry. You said the same thing about Trump. I know. I don't even know why I said that. But what I want more than anything is whoever is standing there at inauguration day, I want Kanye to run up and be like I'm gonna let you finish I'm gonna let you finish

he's trying to swear him in and he won't let him talk he takes the mic away from Roberts no no no I'll let you finish I'm gonna let you finish that oath in a minute but I just want to say that Scalia was the best Supreme Court Justice ever Scalia

that would was the best Supreme Court justice ever. Scalia. That would be the greatest 2020 moment of all time. Jesus Christ. That would be awesome. He's with, he's married to Kardashian, right? Kim Kardashian. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, that would be, that would be a hilarious inauguration.

That would be so good. That would be so good, dude. She's sitting there making duck face and taking selfies in the back. She's Instagramming the whole thing. Like, what else do you do? Like, that's what, like, Melania is a real model, like

an actual runway model. Kim Kardashian and the rest of them, they're Instagram influencers. They're selfie people. You know what I mean? So they may have a selfie stick with shooting away like oh somebody goes to take her pictures like no no i'm the expert on taking pictures of me i take a picture of me okay i made a whole lips out lips out camera up there we go we're good we're good it's like i have made a multi-million dollar career out of taking pictures of myself. Man.

More fucking power to them though. I got to tell you. Absolutely. More fucking power to them. They have made- Oh no, I don't want to disagree. I don't want to say- They have made more money taking pictures of themselves than I'm going to make working

my whole life. So we actually did a Citation Needed episode in an upcoming episode. I don't want to reveal what we did, but we talk a little bit about Instagram influencers in it. And I watched a documentary with her in it and the amount of money that she makes, Kendall, this is Kendall Jenner, I think, makes off of fucking, her post is like a quarter million dollars. Quarter million just to post one thing if that's not fucking winning i don't know what winning means no i don't get me wrong i'm envious yeah it's not yeah i i say these things out of envy it's not out of it's not to try to attack them because like like they clearly know how to market

themselves and sell to people way better than i ever oh my god you know what i mean they're so good at quarter million dollars for 10 minutes worth of work. Tops. You know how long a citation needed episode takes me? Motherfucker. God damn it. Why couldn't I have been pretty? I know. God, am I not pretty though? God, I wish I were pretty. Let me tell you. All right. So we got to go through Kanye. I don't want to give him short shrift. All right. his natural political party for you tom you know for you here we go you are fair and balanced that's what they say about me on his natural political party i would run as a press now okay real quick this will get this will start off not being utterly insane, just improbable. And as we go through, there's clearly going to be a tonal shift on his MAGA hat moment.

One of the main reasons I wore the red hat as a protest to the segregation of votes in the black community. Also, other than the fact that I like Trump hotels and the saxophones in the lobby. He likes smooth jazz. He likes to come by and get like, you know, he likes to be serenaded. You can't hate a guy for that. He just likes a Trump hotel for the saxophones.

Saxomophone. Look, I like the Westin because of what they play in the elevator that's how I choose hotels I'm literally 100% I don't care about the bed I don't care about the service

I don't care if you could spit in my fucking mouth at the fucking at the check-in desk I don't even care if you have bad elevator music I'll never be back I'm checking out I'm never coming back. I love that. Like he chose a political side. And like the other thing to remember as we go through this is that remember that Kanye is a darling of the right. Like the right has absolutely embraced and they held him up as an example. And like, he's like, yeah,

I wore that hat because I like your hotel not like your views not I support your policies and politics it's like I like your hotels we should each Tom we should each get hats for our favorite hotels oh we should like our favorite hotel it's a MAGA hat

I'm gonna get a Paris Hilton hat. Oh, man. Our discussions on race with the White House. One time I talked to Jared Kushner, who was saying, we don't have black leaders. We have hustlers. Why?

Because they killed all the black leaders. Then I love this aside. Requests for comment from the White House and the Kushner companies last night were not immediately returned. You gotta wonder, do they, when Kanye comes in, do you think they get a little street with him? Jared's trying that shit.

It'd be so weird and awkward. Do you think Jared is just being like so... He's just committing microaggression after microaggression after microaggression. He can't stop himself. He's just over and over and over

again. He's communicating with Kanye in such a cringy way. You almost can't look away. That would be my favorite shit. Someone needs to make SNL needs to make that. That would be so good. I would never stop watching that on Democrats. That is a form of racism and white supremacy and white control to say that all black people need to be Democrat and to assume that me running is me splitting the vote. All of that information is being charged up on social media platforms by Democrats. And Democrats used to tell me the same Democrats have threatened me. The reason why this is the first day I registered to vote is because I was scared. I was.

Wait, no, no, no, no. Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot continue. No, you can't. No, you cannot continue. We'll pause. You cannot continue. Yeah. No, you can't. No, you cannot continue. We'll pause. You cannot continue.

He wasn't registered to vote until the day he, until he did this article time? Yeah, until he declared. Until he figured they would fact check him. What is happening right now? He's just like, vote for me. I'm giving it a shot. He's never like, vote for me. I'm giving it a shot. He's never fucking voted.

He'd even vote for Trump in the last election? He's never voted in his life. He is running for president and has never once engaged the democratic process, even as a citizen participant. And he was running for president. I'm just fine at this point with the COVID. I'm like, you know what? Just come on in.

You know what? You can fucking crinkle up my toes like crinkle cuffs or whatever you do. You can fucking infect all the fucking blood vessels in my heart. You know, whatever you want to do.

You do what you got to do to me. Take me, coronavirus. I'm ready. I'm ready now the reason why this is the first day I registered to vote is because I was scared I was told that if I vote voted on Trump my music career would be over I was threatened into being

but he wears fucking hat you don't have to vote for him you're already fucking advertising for him your one vote is worthless in comparison to you putting that hat on one single time yeah also like nobody has to know that you voted or who you voted for right like like you're not wearing a camera at all times that you have to turn on you know you're holding that camera right we don't we don't scream it like the hunger games when we walk out of the booth like we just just fucking you

just you just vote and then you walk home and you go home and nobody knew what happened. I love this next line. I was threatened into being in one party. You weren't in any party. You never voted.

Yeah, right. What are you talking about? You peaced out of the party. What are you talking about? I was threatened as a black man into the Democratic Party, which you were never in. You weren't,

you didn't vote. The thing is, it's like you could be a Democrat and never vote and you're not a Democrat. I was threatened as a celebrity into being one party. I was threatened as a black man into the Democratic Party. And that's what the Democrats are doing emotionally to my people.

Threatening him to the point where this white man can tell a black man, if you don't vote for me, you're not black. That is something that Biden said. Yeah, he did. Absolutely. And the thing is, that's not totally devoid of that whole, let me just say, that whole screed when you take out the nonsense is not devoid of all merit, right? There is a de facto assumption on the side of the democratic establishment that they can count on the black vote. Now, I do think it's, and they probably take it for granted. I do think that the reality is that in all of recent memory, they have been able to count on the black vote. So historically, that's borne out by the facts of what happens. And look at what happened with Biden. You know

what I mean? Like, there was a guy who had no traction in two states that were majority white voters. Right. He had no traction whatsoever. He got face fucked in those states. But the moment he started going to places where there was a large democratic minority vote, he won hands down.

So there's a huge support for Biden on the other side by black voters. And it's borne out in all the data. On how the race will be decided. So here's what he says on how the race will be decided, Cecil. Let's see if the appointing is at 2020 or if it's 2024, because God appoints the president. If I win in 2020, then it was God's appointment. If I win in 2024, then that was God's appointment. Yeah. Okay, hold on. Let's keep going. We're going to power through this, buddy. He had me in the first half, admittedly.

He had me in the first half, admittedly. On the coronavirus cure, we pray. We pray for the freedom. It's all about God. We need to stop doing things that make God mad. Yeah. Let me tell about God. We need to stop doing things that make God mad. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Once I turned old enough to touch myself, I've been making God mad a lot.

On vaccines. It's so many of our children that are being vaccinated and paralyzed. And so when they say the way we're going to fix COVID is with vaccine, I'm extremely cautious. That's the mark of the beast. They want to put chips inside of us. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. They want to do all kinds of things to make it where we can't cross the gates of heaven.

I'm sorry when I say they, the humans that have the devil inside them. And the sad thing is that the saddest thing is that we won't all make it to heaven, that there'll be some of us that don't make it. Next question. Do you think while this guy is interviewing him, he's just thinking, I shouldn't be torturing this mentally ill person like this? I don't know because he is not well.

I'm deciding to run for president. It's when I was being offered the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Awards at MTV. You know, so many stories about when I decided to run for president begin with that same line. I remember being at my mom's house, my mother-in-law, because my house was being worked on.

She calls me son. I call her mom. I was in the shower thinking, yeah, there you go, Cecil. Just a little bit of color, a little bit of insight into Kanye's world, buddy. You've got to peek behind the curtain. I was in the shower thinking, I write raps in the shower. It hit me to say, you're going to run for president. And this I love. And I started laughing

hysterically. I was like, this is the best. I'm going to go out there and they're going to think I'm going to do these songs and do this for entertainment, how rigged award shows are, and then say, I'm going to run for president. And I just laughed in the shower. I don't know for how long, but that's the moment it hit me. He's a crazy person, hysterically laughing in the shower. Like for such a long period of time, he doesn't like time isn't working anymore properly. Oh man, this is happening, buddy. This is a Forbes article. This isn't, this isn't a Forbes article. Yeah. They sent a real reporter to talk to him. Yeah.

Yeah. This is, this is actually crazier than the rent is too damn high guy. Right. The rent is too damn high. He had a point. The rent's really high.

This is crazier than the guy who lived in his buddy's basement with the leather hat. On his foreign policy. I haven't developed it yet i'm focused on protecting america first with our great military let's focus on ourselves first get out of here get out of here how do you focus on yourself during a global pandemic you idiots uh all right right, you're going to lead a nation in an international crisis.

What are your thoughts on international issues? I don't have a lot, but I do know I'm going to use the military is what he just said. What would you use the military for if not part of your foreign policy? All right, Cecil, one more, just to give you some flavor here

because I think this is great. On the Wakanda management model, here's what he said about this, Cecil. A lot of the Africans do not like the movie Black Panther and representation of themselves in Wakanda, but I'm going to use the framework of Wakanda right now because it's the best explanation of what our design group is going to feel like

in the White House. That's a positive idea. You got Kanye West. Remember, Kanye West is speaking right now. He's talking about himself in the White House. That's a positive idea. You got Kanye West. Remember, Kanye West is speaking right now. You got Kanye West. He's the third person. He's Bob Doling himself.

You got Kanye West, one of the most powerful humans. I'm not saying the most because you got a lot of alien level superpowers and it's only collectively that we can set it free. What's happening, man? Let's get back to Wakanda. Like in the movie, in Wakanda, when the king went to visit that lead scientist,

they have the shoes wrap around her shoes. Running for president, guys. Wait a second. Read that one more time. Yeah, I got you, buddy. I didn't even know that I more time. I didn't even know that I got it. I didn't even know that I got it. Okay. All right.

All right. I'm on it. All right. Like, Tom, I understood his foreign policy. I understood his foreign policy, but here I'm a little shaky on this. I can rewind. I got you. I'm here for you.

See, so I'm here for you, buddy. All right. Let's get back to Wakanda. Okay. Yeah. Like in the movie, in Wakanda, when the king went to visit that lead scientist to have the shoes wrap around her shoes.

Just the amount of... You're dying over there. It's like she has regular shoes and then high tops form over them and then they suddenly turn into snow shoes and then transformer shoes. eventually they're like big cars and she's trying to walk with giant cars on her feet oh god i quit the show this clip comes from episode 539 dress for the job you want released on august 31st

sister it comes from Right Wing Watch. Trump world favorite persuader, Scott Adams, sees satanic coinkydinks in Biden campaign. All right. Well, we're going to watch this video and you can watch this video if you go to the show notes, but we're actually going to play it, play the audio for you right now.

So this is Scott Adams. This is the Dilbert creator, Scott Adams. How about the name Joe Biden? Well, there's no 666 there. Oh God, are we doing this? Yeah, this is great. That's three letters.

Biden is five. So there's no symbolism there. This is amazing. You should do this with a pen and paper. Alright, so three and five. I'm getting a pen and paper. Three and five. I got a three and a five. Okay. I got a three and a five. You have to do some drawing here. Okay, I got a three and a five.

All right, I got my pen. When I look at that, I think eight or two, but anyway, go ahead. Okay, it's fine. Except I was looking at it a little bit closer. Okay, yeah. Do you know if you took the capital letter J? Take the J?

Imagine the capital letter J in your mind. I got it, J. Now think of the next letter in Joe. It's an O. Now just move the O to the left until it's on top of the J. It's a backward six. It looks like a little guy. So that's the J and the O in the form of a backward six.

Backward six. If you squeeze two letters together. No, it forms an upside down question mark for me. I'm not sure. So a backward six would look like this. I didn't get a backward six out of this either. I took my J and then I took my O and I

I don't think I put it in the right place. I got it. Oh, you know what you have to do? You have to nestle it. Okay, so take a J. I got it, Cecil. I got it. and then elongate the along i got you buddy i got no i'm not doing this and then you got to elongate the the little thing going down and then you got to nestle the o into the j and then turn it upside down and backwards and you have a six it looks like if i do it it kind of looks like when you cast a hook in and the bait

shifts that's what it looks like to me so all right so we're not reaching right now okay we have a six i think we legitimately have a six this is a backward six this is a six it's a backward six so a nine yeah okay no you all right now you're you're wrecking his shit. It's backwards nine. I have a six is what I believe. I want to believe. All right. This letter is the lowercase e. Lowercase e. What does the lowercase e look like if you turn it upside down? Lowercase e.

Well, it looks like an upside down lowercase e. It looks like a... I don't know. It looks like an a? Now it looks a little like an upside down comma to me. It looks like an a It looks like an A? Now it looks a little like an upside-down comma to me. It looks like an A. Yeah, right? Yeah, so if you do it, it looks like an A.

And then just keep going. Kind of looks like a two, maybe one of those quick twos. Yeah, right, okay. Yeah, no, all right. What does it look like? An A or two. What does Gilbert think? A two, D two.

That's what it looks like. It looks like a six. So you got the J and the L together. If if you combine them it looks like a backwards six you've got the lowercase e that looks like an upside upside down six but that's just two sixes six it's not even two sixes to be fair you built a six out of two letters they're both upside down and sideways and bumble fucked over admittedly if you take individual pieces of all these letters you could probably paint a satan kick picture too you know what i mean like i genuinely wait yeah you know when you take something apart you can make something new no shit dude that's how taking things apart works i know it's like what the fuck okay guys did you know that if you buy a

batman lego set and assemble it into a demon you have a demon lego set it's so true man it's like yeah no shit dude it's parts and parts is parts but the next letter is capital b for by okay capital b and capital B is where you hide your sex. So even... You just hide it. Wait, what? Cecil, earlier in the video, when he said, I got you, buddy, I got you. Okay, thank you, because we skipped a little bit.

Yeah, earlier in the video, he's talking about Biden's slogan, which is like, build better buildings or something. I forgot what BBB stands for. Build better boobs. Yeah. I forgot what it stands for. Oh, build back better. Build back better.

Right. So BBB. Smell a woman's hair. Is that what it was? Is that what a slogan is? And what Dilbert here says is that if you take. Dilbert. I like that you're calling him Dilbert.

If you take build back better and you ignore most of the letters, and then you do BBB, and now it's not the Better Business Bureau, but it's build back better. What if it was BBC instead? And then what a B is, Cecil, and I'm not even kidding, what he says a B is,

is a secret six. A small insect. It's a secret because you can hide a six inside a B is is a secret six. A small insect. It's a secret because you can hide a six inside a B. And if you think I'm making this up, let me read. I'm going to just read to you exactly what it says. If you were going to imagine 666 and you wanted to show it to people and disguise it at the same time, can you think of any letter that the numeral six would fit inside of completely, only the

capital B? Oh, Jesus Christ. So you can hide a six inside a B. So a B is now a six, even though it's also a two. You know, it's you, Cecil, should shut your whore mouth and let Tom do the talking. Tom, you make

a good point. I concede the argument. This guy's so bonkers. Who's the fucking idiots in the world that look to this douchebag and they think, God, this guy's right on. Oh, he really does.

Man, he's right on. Oh, he's right on. I do have too many pagers on my belt. Fucking idiot. J-O-E-B on my belt. Fucking idiot. J-O-E-B is 666. 666. It gets crazy. You can find a pattern in anything.

How do you explain the rest of the word? He calls himself out on this shit. It's easy if you just cherry pick. If you just cherry pick, if you just cherry pick, you know, you know, you can get that. But what is the what what is left of the word Biden? If you take him, I like that he says that and does not say like why that's a bad. He doesn't he just he just admits that it's there. It's like, hey, guys, there is an elephant in the room anyway.

I know, right? Let's all eat some of it. in the room. Anyway. I know, right? Let's all eat some of his shit. That's what I was saying. That's what I was saying in my speech pre- elephant in the room speech. It's so amazing. Oh, gosh. That's where the six

is hiding. What's left of the word Biden. Are you ready for this? I am. I-D-E-N. I-D-E-N. Identity. E N I D E N identity. What the fuck? What are you talking about?

So that if you, if you only count some of the letters and you add on other letters that aren't there and you draw different shapes and then you find secret numbers hidden in different letters the fucking what oh god you know if i take all the paint off my walls and use that to paint different things i will have painted different things i used used to, Tom, I used to think the Bible code was fucking stupid. The Bible code is literally fucking manna from heaven in comparison to this. It's genuinely, it makes so much more sense. This is David Icke level crazy. It is.

It's absolutely off the walls, bananas crazy. My favorite is the J into a six. I love the J into a six. What I hate about this whole timeline is that nobody has any good arguments. There's plenty of good arguments for not Biden, right? I'm sure there's plenty of good arguments out there that somebody could say,

look, he was against this or he did this. And there's plenty of good arguments out there that somebody could say look you know he was against this or he did this and you know you know there's plenty of ways that you could politically tell me you know your choice for biden might not be the best choice i think that that's valid and i'd listen to you but when you're just like no his fucking name means bad and you're just like oh my god you're a weirdo what is wrong with you biden all of a sudden is the devil what i love is that like we didn't know that evidently he's is the devil. What I love is that, like, we didn't know that. Evidently, he's been the devil, like, the whole time. The whole time. The whole time he's trying to kill Obama and it's not working.

It's like a sitcom where Biden is constantly trying to kill Obama so he can become... And that's the thing is, wasn't Obama Satan? Didn't we already go through this once before? Yeah, Obama was Satan.

He's Basilip. He's Basilip or whatever. Because he ate pesto earlier. This is such a stupid, it's so stupid. You know, you already said the other guy was Satan. But somehow Biden was also. Hillary's a double Satan witch. No, she can't be Satan because Satan's

got a penis. What she was, was... Oh, who's the evil... Who's the evil manifestation? Jezebel. Jezebel. Yep, yep. Yeah, she's Jezebel. God, I'm going to kill myself

because I know that. Yep, I'm going to kill you for no reason. This clip comes from episode 544, Chicken sin transfer weekend released on october 5th this story comes from somersetlive.co.uk and i grabbed this story because last week we talked about how the whales were uh the whales are just done with humanity you know the whales are attacking the boats and now the polar bears are attacking our helicopters. Nature has just decided

it is straight up going after us. It's fucking done. Soon, Cecil, the trees will make us all commit suicide. The trees from the forest cities that we have? Yeah, right. A helicopter assembled by Leonardo helicopters, which i think is fucking great

by the way leonardo helicopter what leonardo helicopter you can damage it but its heart goes on oh that's oh that's good they should have leonardo's ornithopters actually that would be even better um helicopters reason why you can fly a leonardo helicopter is because you're the aviator. That's why. Leonardo Helicopters, they dump you after you turn 25. Wait, no, that's... Was it attacked by a bear? It was attacked by a wolf of Wall Street. That makes sense. Okay.

So this thing is a Sable Leonardo Helicopter that's been attacked by a polar bear in Canada. The Canadians apologized briefly to the polar bear after the attack. The CH-149 Cormorant... Sorry! Game on! We didn't mean to put our helicopter there

near your bear family, eh? Sorry! The CH-149 Cormorant's helicopter was left damaged by the curious animal after the incident in Quebec, the Royal Canadian Air Force has confirmed. Staff on training exercise left the aircraft parked after the incident in Quebec. The Royal Canadian Air Force has confirmed staff on training exercise left the aircraft parked at the remote Seglik Airport near to the Labrador Sea.

Crushed it. Which fetches the other seas. Yeah. And returned to find huge muddy paw prints across the outside of the helicopter and a side window pushed into the aircraft by the animal and other minor damage

had been caused. Did they call it a bad boy? You're a bad boy. You're a bad boy. They make it, they go up to it and they're like, you better wipe your paws off

before you touch this again. I got to wipe your paws off every time you come in from the rain. Every single time. Oh God. You just, you can't fucking park

a helicopter anywhere without just getting attacked by a polar bear, eaten by a leopard seal. This poor bear comes floating in, emaciated on its iceberg that's floating. Just sees the helicopter. It's like, I'm so hungry. I have to eat something.

Who just leaves the wrapper? Why would somebody just leave a wrapper out here? There's not even... It's like eating the outside of a fucking TV dinner. You know what I mean? It's like, I can't even get in this thing. It's like drinking all the milk and putting the container back in the fridge.

Like, it's just a dick move. You're going to leave a helicopter without any people in it? What's a fucking hungry polar bear supposed to do? This clip comes from episode 549 70 million terrible votes Released on November 9th Florida man was mauled by a leopard

From CNN After paying $150 for a full contact experience I kind of feel like that's been our last four years That we've been That we That we paid We paid for the full contact experience and we thought you know maybe this is a bad idea do you see this guy's face i did not know is he all scrolled down

just a big giant bandage i don't know i can't see his face he looks like hg wells the invisible man he looks like he looks like when you when when you comically slam your thumb in a door and you wrap it with a bandage. That's what he looks like. He looks like a thumb bandage. That's what he looks like. To be entirely fair, he did get exactly what a full contact experience with a leopard is that is what a

full contact this would be like getting in a cage and having a full contact experience with a ufc fight yeah sure with john jones or whatever yeah like i wouldn't pay for that why on earth would you pay for that what did you expect that's all i these people who cuddle, snuggle incredibly dangerous wild animals, and then they get attacked by incredibly dangerous wild animals. You're like, well, I guess I didn't see it coming when the tiger attacked me. And the worst part is you can get attacked by a tiger for free. You could just go somewhere and get attacked by a tiger and it's free. Same thing with getting your ass kicked. You get your ass kicked for free, man.

Like a hundred percent, someone will donate that shit to you. You don't have to pay him 150 bucks for the pleasure of getting your ass kicked. You could just get your ass kicked. It's insane to me that this guy not only got not only did he get fucking his face bitten off but he also had to pay $150 for the pleasure you have to wonder if he got his $150 back or if the guy was like

no man that's full contact I hope he takes her to judge Judy and then she has to look at the contract on air that's what I hope. That's what I hope. Well, that wraps it up for this dumpster fire year's toaster shakens. We hope you've enjoyed it.

See you next year. And now, the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Spiral, Brain Dead, Pan, Sales Pitch, Late Night Info Docutainment, Leo Pisces, Cancer Cures, Detox, Reflex, Foot Massage, Death in Towers, Tarot Cards, Psychic Healing, Crystal Balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, Aliens, Churches, Mosques and Synagogues, Temples, Dragons, Giant Worms, Atlantis, Dolphins, Truthers, Birthers, Witches, Wizards, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. Doubt even this. Outro Music you