Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 591: V4C 2019 Part 12

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

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It's skeptical, It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 591 of Cognitive Distance with Cecil. We are recording a mere like three or four days after the last fucking time we recorded, buddy. Yeah, it's a pretty short turnaround. We have to do an early week this week. Next, this week though, we had to record early because we are finishing out. We have to do an early week this week. Next, this week though, we had to record early

because we are finishing out, we just finished out, Vulgarity for Charity 2019. We just recorded with Skating Guys. You heard that right, 2019. 2019, it's going to be on at the end of the show. So be sure to stick around for that. If you're waiting for your roasts,

there's a couple of them still at the end of the show here. And we just recorded on Skating too. I think that came out before this releases though. So, but there's two Vulgarity for Charity segments and then like one more song that's going to be played on a future Scathing. And that's it. We're done for this. Then we get to start our planning for the next Vulgarity for Charity. You know, I will say though, like as absurd as it is to have spent two years

meeting our obligations, that's because we raised $306,000 in total. It's a lot of money. And we did over 1,100 roasts. We did. You know, the amount of work that goes into this is an immense amount of work.

And I just want to say like, I don't mind at all doing that work. It's 100%. I'm grateful to do it. I'm happy to do it. And I'm happy that people donated, but it was an immense amount of work. It was hours and hours and hours and hours of writing. It takes me, you know, on average, you know, two hours to four hours to write for a script. And if you're looking at 30 scripts, you know, that's a goodly sum of time that we spent on that. And that's just me.

That's not all five members of the cast. So it's's a lot it's a lot of work for all of us but we are happy to do it because people came out in droves to donate yeah i just i just think back to that drive sometimes and i think what an amazing thing that our audience has helped us yeah right right you know i just it's just it's it's such an immense amount of help that was given yeah to some people that really needed it so we're done with that charity drive charity drive. And I just want to say thank you to everybody. I know we've done it in the past, but thank you to everybody that donated to Modest Needs. We love that organization. And you guys really did some good.

Yeah. So thank you. They'll be the target again this year. No, I think actually the reason some people care and some people don't is that some people see the planet as something they have to be grateful for, thankful for. They should nurture and care for it. And other people see the planet as something they have to be grateful for, thankful for, they should nurture and care for it. And other people see the planet as something you stand on. Well, I'm just standing on it.

I'll stand on something else if you've got it. You give me something, I'll stand on it, mate. I'll stand on fucking anything, I don't care. Well, okay, I mean, who fucking knows when this gets released what's going to happen? But I can predict one thing, Cecil. Yeah. By the time this show gets released,

one week from the day we record it, we will not have won the war in Afghanistan. And I will predict that because nobody's ever won a war in Afghanistan. Yeah. The British gave it two tries. Yeah. The Russians gave it a whirl.

And then we put a good 20 years into it and we just lost the war in Afghanistan and I just want to be I think that's the right terminology and I want to make sure to purposefully use it we lost the war in Afghanistan we went to war in Afghanistan in 2001 in order to unseat the Taliban

who was providing a base and cover for Al-Qaeda. After the 9-11 attacks, we went in there. We removed the Taliban from their authority position as a government, as the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan. That's what their government called themselves. It's what they're going to call themselves again, starting now, starting tonight, as we announced.

We unseat them from power. We spent 20 years trying to build a quasi-secular, quasi-democratic government to build an Afghan army and to... We failed. We failed.

We failed. We walked out the door and fairly immediately after walking out the door, the Taliban surged and they took every fucking city and they are in complete control. The president of Afghanistan fled to Tajikistan with carloads of cash from what I read in the AP. And we accomplished in 20 years, fucking nothing. Fucking nothing lasting, Cecil. Absolutely nothing. And let's be real honest, the goals of imperialism are to make a lot of money. Right.

And that's what a lot of people did in Afghanistan. People made a fucking shit ton of money. Yep. There was contractors sent over there. Same thing with Iraq, right? The contractors got sent over there. The money from funding came over, and there was just a lot of money to be made. And it's really just a cash cow to milk fucking money from

the government to try to get it into these corporations through government contracts. That's literally all it is. It's what we do. And we went over there to make a lot. That's why the fucking war happened, man. It happened because there's fucking rich people wanted a war to happen and they fucking made the war happen. That's it.

And then we'd fucking, they milked the fucking teats of the American taxpayer for trillions of dollars. Trillions. And now the people who get to suffer are the people who are over there. They're the ones who get to suffer. Yeah, man. Like, there's no way to look at Afghanistan and not, I mean, I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now.

If you just do the fucking trolley problem on Afghanistan, right? Just run this thing as a trolley problem. 9-11 was ostensibly the reason that we invaded Afghanistan, right? Yeah, yeah. So we were saying, okay, 9-11 happened. Al-Qaeda was the group that did that. The Taliban was providing them training ground and cover. Yeah, okay.

3,000 people died, right? Okay, well, in terms of American contract, if you're just counting American lives first, American contractors and American military, it's about 7,200 people died. Yeah. So if you run the trolley problem, we could have had another 9-11

and then another 9-11. Yeah. And we you run the trolley problem, we could have had another nine 11 and then another nine 11. Yeah. And we still would have been ahead of the game in terms of lost American lives. Sure. So if you say like, well, we prevented another nine 11,

we're still behind on the American body count. If that's the only body. I understand you're just doing the trolley problem. And I want people to understand that Tom doesn't think like that, but it's just that you want to make sure to mention. So just on a pragmatic, utilitarian trolley problem basis, if we prevented another 9-11, we're still in the loss. Yeah.

We're in a lost position, right? The money that we put out, just us putting out, like you said, trillions of dollars. Trillions of dollars. People will tell you all the time. You'll hear it all the time. Wow, we can't pay for this educational program. We can't pay for that medical program. We can't

give kids an education or a leg up. We don't want to increase the food stamp benefit, guys. Where's all this money going to come? We find the money when it comes to war. Nobody ever even asks a question. They literally don't even ask a question. They're just like, oh, we're going to fund that?

Yeah. Yeah. And we're going to ship money. And that money, to your point, Cecil, a huge amount of that money is just going to float right back over to the friends of the fucking warmongers, right? The guys who own Halliburton and all the rest of these fucking, you know, fucking mercenary for hire, Millet Delacide, Martin, and all the rest of these fucking companies, right? It's just money. So they're going to shit all this money right back in this great big fucking circle jerk back

into themselves and they fucking invest in it before they vote on this shit let's not pretend they don't 100 and then if you look at 9-11 you say holy shit i think you should holy shit that was a fucking tragedy that was a tragedy it cost,000 or so human lives. They were innocent lives that were lost that day. That is a tragedy. But if you look at the other side of the equation, we killed about 90,000 innocent Afghans. 90,000. It's 30 to one on the atrocity side. 30 to one. I'm not talking about military losses, Taliban losses, 60,000 Taliban losses. If you say like war is war, combatants are combatants, we're going to set aside the moral calculus.

I don't think you should, but even if you do set aside the moral calculus there and you count only civilian casualties, you're looking at about 90,000 Afghan lives lost. It's a 3 to one, civilian to civilian, 30 to one rather, civilian to civilian basis. Like how do you justify that morally? You can't justify it in terms of we saved American lives. We didn't. If we prevented two 9-11s, we're still in a lost position.

If we prevented two 9-11s, we could rebuild. We spent trillions of dollars. We could rebuild whatever buildings that get knocked down for less than the trillions of dollars we spent going to war. And we didn't have to kill 30 times. Yeah. 30 times the people. 30 times the number of people.

What we're saying is one American life is worth 30 Afghan lives. And then at the end of the whole thing, it meant nothing. Yeah. Because at the end of the 20 year cycle, what do we get out of it? We got nothing. The Taliban's back in control. Women pay the ultimate price in Afghanistan, just like they did before we showed up.

The people who helped America and helped the, you know, were our translators and contractors and the people who worked for the Afghan army and worked for the coalition government we were trying to build, those people are absolutely fucked. They're just fucked and their families are fucked and they're on a list. And you fucking better believe the Taliban's coming after them because they said they're going to. What the fuck did we get out of this thing, man?

Yeah. Well, and who's to blame? All the government's to blame. Everybody. Everybody's to blame. Don't, there's no fucking pick a side on this oh this side did it this side did it now don't get me wrong g dubs fucking ran over there with them with the army but fucking reagan sowed those seeds years ago when he fucking gave all those people all kinds of fucking weapons to fight the russians yep right yeah he armed the mujahideen armed yep and then from them came the Taliban. So, you know, we armed those people years ago. So this is not just a G-Dub problem, but it is a G-Dub problem

because he's the one who picked the war. But then Obama kept fucking going. He kept going the whole time. Trump said he was going to leave. And Trump, at some point, was like going to meet with the Taliban. And like, it was a fucking nuts. They signed a peace treaty with the Taliban.

Yeah. That's why Biden's hands were tied. And then now they're just like, yeah, whatever. And we're going to take the whole place over. And you know, here's the thing. Democrats have been playing hawk for way too long. And they do it because it's a rootin' tootin', we're fucking America. Hee-haw, poom, poom, poom, shooting in the air. You're shooting the fucking ground like Yosemite Sam to shoot yourself in the air. Because we recognize that you're, shooting in the air. You're shooting the fucking ground like Yosemite Sam to shoot yourself in the air. Because we recognize that you're, at least the Democrats recognize you're never going to get a vote if you look weak, right?

So they've always been even, and don't get me wrong, there's plenty of Democrats out there that are fucking hawks, right? There are plenty of them. Tons of them. But there's also a lot that just join on because they realize that if they don't do it, they're going to look like they're weak

and their opponent's going to win so that they have to, because our country fucking loves war. We fucking love it. We venerate soldiers. We have at least hundreds of thousands of monuments to soldiers in our country. It's like a fucking, it's a cult.

It's literally a cult and we worship at the feet of the soldier. And so we need this. We need to stop being, doing this to other places on the globe. There's plenty of ways to help out Afghanistan and not be a fucking invading force. There's plenty of ways to do that.

And we've never even tried to do anything else. We've never even tried to. And I know that people are going to be like, yeah, but we did this and we built this and we did that and we did this. Yeah, but you did it as an invading force. And that's a totally different thing. There's never a helping hand up.

The other thing I want to say too, is that right now it's Democrats versus Republicans. Their Democrats are trying to spin this as if, you know, this is what we wanted all along. And the Republicans are trying to spin it as if, damn it, how dare you pull us out of there, right? Because now they've removed a page on the GOP website that said that there was a historic deal

that Trump put together with the Taliban. The peace treaty with the Taliban that Trump signed. Trump talked about it less than a month ago at one of his rallies, where he talked about how Biden's going to get the credit for the thing that he created, right? But they are trying to change history. I don't know if you saw the images of those people trying to leave. That's a heartbreaking, heartbreaking thing to watch, but watch them

try to leave. Watch the people in Afghanistan try to leave. They're running down the street to get to the airport. They're trying to cling onto the plane to literally carry them on a plane that you cannot hold onto, by the way. There was something that fell from a plane. I was not able to confirm that that was actually a person, but there's a plane really fucking high up there that dropped something. And I'm not sure if it's a person or not, but anyway, there's going to be a group of Republicans that are going to, they're going to look at those people and they're going to be like, oh, how could you look at how terrible our, you know, our leadership is that we would lead these people there. And I just want to quickly draw a parallel to the people at our Southern border who have to do almost the exact same thing to get here. They have to practically cling onto a plane.

They walk thousands of miles of desert to get to our fucking Southern border to try to get in. And these people, the people that, you know, are on the Republican side, don't give a fuck about those people. They only care about the fucking soundbite. What does it do for my side? And I'm going to tell you, I don't care what it does for my side on this. There's no way to win this.

There was no way. It was damned if you do, damned if you don't. If he stays there, you're fucked. Because you're mired in a war that you didn't start that you got to continue for the next 20 years. You leave, you're fucked. Because you essentially fucked that whole country because you propped it up with the American government's military. And then you leave and now those people are like, fucking, it's mine now. And they are going through and making it, they're turning off every light.

Yep. Yeah, man. It's the fucking seventh century again. It's like they immediately declared that they are instituting their fucking 1300 year old version of fucking Sharia law. They literally went into radio stations and turned off all the music. The music dies in Afghanistan when the fucking Taliban takes over, right? The only thing that's allowed is fucking religious chanting. That's it. Women are back in fucking full body coverups, burqas, et cetera. No more school. Before 2001, women were not allowed to get an education. And that's the same rule that the American slave owners had for black slaves on plantations, right? You keep people subservient by denying them a fucking education. You deny them access to the ability to read, to write, to better themselves, to understand the world. That is strategic as fuck.

That's 51% of their own population. Women are 51, half, more than half, a little more than half of their population, systematically, completely controlled. disenfranchised. They're essentially slaves. There is no meaningful distinction between women in a seventh century Sharia-controlled society and slavery. I read a story today about a woman who was sick, and she wasn't able to go to the doctor because, and this is Afghanistan and one of the towns that got controlled before Kabul fell today.

So that's the last stronghold. So she was sick, but the rule was she couldn't leave her house without a male guardian. So she had a daughter. She shaved her daughter's head and dressed her two-month-old daughter in boy clothes because that counts as a male guardian. Because her two-month-old daughter in boy clothes because that counts as a male guardian. Because a two-month-old male has more social status than a full-grown fucking woman

does in this fucking society. It is a horror. The Taliban is a fucking horror. And I don't know what the answer is. I don't. Yeah, no. But like, I do think that like once you break it, you bought it. Yeah. We shouldn't have fucking broke it. Yeah. But I have a hard time. I have a really hard time feeling like once we break it, don't we have a responsibility to it? And just because we don't like the fact that that responsibility may never end doesn't change our level of responsibility. You know, we didn't go to Afghanistan for humanitarian reasons. They try to spin it that way after a few years, right? Oh, we're here to build schools for women. We're here to, you know, create democracy. You're there because you wanted to kick some ass. We were there for bloodlust. We were there for vengeance, right? That's why we went there. I mean, I remember when

George W. stood in front of the whole fucking world and he said, you're either with us or against us. We're going to root you out every cave. And he did his whole Tommy Lee Jones outhouse, doghouse, henhouse speech about terrorists. That's why we went there. But once you go there, don't you have a responsibility to what you've broken? And I don't know that you stay there forever. And I don't know that you leave. And I'm not an expert in those kinds of politics, but God damned, if I'm not a hundred percent certain who pays the fucking price. And it's fucking heartbreaking. You look at those pictures of like people packed into these massive transport planes. And these are the people that were lucky enough to get on one. And they're people that they spent almost an entire generation, 20 years, helping the American forces who said,

we're going to make your world better. We're going to help you build a democracy. And they trusted that. And if they didn't get on that plane, their fucking lives are over, man. Yeah. Yeah. And we're just like, yeah, all right. We don't want a forever war. We're out. Yeah. I don't know, man. I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time. Like we break it. Didn't we buy it? I, I, yeah, I'm with you. I like, like who takes care, who takes care of that now? And you know, fuck, we broke it when we gave him fucking a shit ton of weapons a long time ago. Right. You know, you broke it a long time ago

and, and it's been broke for a long time. And every single time we've gone out into the world to pretend we're peacekeepers, we fucking failed. Like we feel really fucking badly for the might and power of the United States government. We sure do get the shit kicked out of us quite often and have to run away. And every single thing that the United States government's army builds

fucking falls apart pretty fucking quickly name a fucking successful military campaign yeah in your lifetime it is just such a fucking sad thing to watch and there's no outcome there was no outcome from the from the fucking get-go yeah there was not an outcome from the fucking get-go that was ever going to turn out well yeah and any student of fucking Afghanistan's history. And let's be really clear. Like, if you're a fucking military, you should be a student of this history.

Fucking A. Yeah. Right? It's not me to read a fucking Atlantic article to tell me about this shit. Oh, yeah. Like, if you're a goddamn general planning an invasion, you might want to raise your hand and say,

you know that lots of people have tried this. Nobody's ever done this before. Yeah. It's always been a failure. It's been a failure for literally like a thousand fucking years. It might be an exaggeration, but it's not much. Yeah, but it's like fucking invading Russia to go to Moscow. Right.

It's like, that's stupid. Don't do that. Let's march, boys. Don't do that. Winter time's the time. Don't do that. It's stupid. Jesus.

So sad. It is. And it's fucking heartbreaking. And if you seek out those images, you're going to see a heartbreaking thing as these people, desperate to leave, are trying to leave. They just, you know, and that

tells you how great it is under the Taliban. Right? To show the mass exodus, that shows you what you need to know. Every single street is crowded. Every place is fucking 100% packed to try to leave. Nobody wants to be there. They're fucking terrified.

There is a violent minority of people who, and it is a minority. It's numerically, be 100% clear about this. It is a minority, but it is a violent, powerful minority of people that is going to terrorize and control that country for the foreseeable future. And, you know, Trump as late as like last month or month before said something

like, you know, a vote for Biden is a vote for the forever war. Right. So this was going to happen. Yeah. This was, Biden has some blame here. I'm not saying he doesn't, he absolutely does. And I want to be clear because I criticized Trump when Trump pulled out of Syria and Iraq and he left the fucking Kurds, our allies, hanging high and dry. And the Russians fucking went in and they fucking took over that whole thing. I criticized Trump for leaving and abandoning our allies with no fucking notice. It's the wrong call. It's not a good thing to do. This was not the right way to leave Afghanistan. And maybe, and even though it's fucking really shitty, maybe once you break it, you fucking bought it. And that's it. And just because that's unpalatable doesn't make it less

true. And why would you be hunting in an abandoned warehouse or factory? Say you track this big buck to the outskirts of town and you found that he made himself a makeshift home in the bottom of an abandoned warehouse. With a handgun, you could easily sneak up on him and get a death shot. That way he won't be running around with your daughter anymore and filling her head with ridiculous ideas

and corrupting her character. All right. So Tom, we just did a concealed carry class. So before in the past, there's a short that we did where we just finished our concealed carry class in Chicago. And we wanted to talk about the experience that we had. So we recorded an episode right afterwards.

It turns out in Illinois, after like four years. Four or five years. You have to get a fucking, you have to re-up. And it's not like a license, like a fucking regular driver's license. They make you go to another class. You have to take another refresher class and you have to pay that person to teach you the refresher class.

And you have to pay another X amount of dollars to the state. And then you have to wait for your replacement card to come in the mail. And so Tom and I took a refresher course. And so the refresher course, I met a guy at a local, there was one of these county fair things going on. So I'd never been to a county fair. So I figured I'd go. And as I'm walking through, there's a whole place where you're walking through and there's just a million people hawking at you. It's just, you know,

they're selling you, trying to sell you a flooring, trying to sell you a fucking Costco, trying to sell you a T-Mobile. Every other one is a chiropractor. I already know that. I've already been there. And then at the end is a quiet guy and his wife, and they got a bunch of people, like a bunch of images of people shooting guns. And the guy looks 100% like an IRA guy.

And so I walk up and I say, and he's got a concealed carry thing. And I said, do you teach the refresher course? And he says, I sure do. And now Tom and I were looking for these courses and they're, you know, a good close to $200 a piece to get into them. This guy's teaching it for 75 bucks.

And so I was like, 75 bucks is better than 200. And he lives close by. And so I was like, well, why don't we try to take this course? And I set up a course for them. He sets up a special course for Tom and I to come over to his house. And I'm thinking we're going to go to like a place where there's like a

pole barn or we're going to rent out a room at the Y or something. We are not at the Y, Tom. Where were we? I drive up and it's like a Saturday morning or Friday morning or whatever it is, like eight o'clock. And I drive up to the address that like I've got on my fucking GPS.

And it's just like some dude's house in the middle of like a country lane. And I pull up and there's a fucking, first of all, there's a fence with the biggest dog I have ever seen in my entire, the dog was a horse dog. It was a huge dog. If it had two more heads, it would have been fucking cerebrus. A hundred percent. That dog is the fucking biggest dog I've ever seen. It could have rode on its back in the Neverending Story. You could ride that thing into battle. Are you kidding me? Yeah. It's fucking enormous. This huge husky wolf horse

thing was there. And then this dude is just in his front yard and he's I swear to God, he's got fucking like overalls. He is like he is like a character out of a fucking movie. he is like a stereotype made of other stereotypes and he's super fucking nice he's like the nicest guy ever so we chit chat for a little while cecil comes up and he's like all right well you know let's do our thing and so we

go into his house and we go into this guy's living room just his living room and he's got old man living room and i know that my dad has old man living room he's got old man living room and i know that my dad has old man living room he's got old man living room so it's like it's like a barca lounger like six feet away from the tv because the vision's not so good with like tv tray tables it's everything you think it is and then cecil and i are set up at actual like old-fashioned card tables. 100% card tables. Like card tables, like a folding chair. He gets one, Cecil gets one, I get one. The dog is bigger than the card tables.

It comes bounding in, you know? And then this guy is just teaching us concealed carry shit. He plugged his laptop into his computer. Into his TV. Into his TV. And then he just did a PowerPoint presentation. And so now I want to talk

about two things. One is, when we took the course downtown, the guy who taught that course was fucking Dirty Harry's cousin. Oh my God, yes he was. He could not stop talking about perpetrators

and how you're going to pull out your gun. And if you pull out your gun, make sure no matter what, even if you weren't fighting for your life, to say you were fighting for your life. He's telling us ways to like get around out your gun and if you pull out your gun make sure no matter what even if you weren't weren't fighting for your life to say you were fighting for life he's telling us ways to like get around murder charges it was the creepiest scariest fucking thing ever yeah and you know he's he's

in the middle of chicago and so when we came out here i'm thinking oh my god this course is going to be fucking yahoo shooter, shooter, whatever, McGavin. And don't get me wrong, this guy did on a couple occasions break into that NRA good guy with a gun stuff. And he did do it a couple of times. But for the most part, it was a relatively controlled speech that he gave, which at a certain point, he even said, if you have a lot of ego and you're a macho guy and you think you're a tough guy, you don't need a gun.

Right. He literally said- I appreciated that a lot. I 100% appreciated it. It was a couple of times, but he also did do what the other guy did, which is talk about

when that guy was saying like, I forget what the other guy said, but this guy used the phrase fog of war. Yeah, he said fog, like he said fog of war several times. Don't load your gun. Don't put your gun in a holster on your side. During the fog of war, Yeah. He said fog of war several times. Don't load your gun. Don't put

your gun in a holster on your side. During the fog of war, you want to make sure there's no bullet in the chamber and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, it's not fog of war, dude. First off, I'm probably never, ever going to shoot anybody. But if I do, that's not a war. I shot a guy. That's not a war. He also indulged in, and i think you have to in order to buy into the whole concealed carry thing he also several times indulged in that narrative of um a shootout yeah right and also bad guy good guy bad guy good guy and he said the word shootout one time like there's gonna be like a some okay corral shit going on and he's got a gun and I got a gun and we're, it's who draws faster, partner?

And like, it's just like, first of all, man, there's no world where I'm ever, like I have the license to have the license. Yeah.

Because at this point, I'm just keeping that. Yeah. But there is no world where I would put a gun on my hip and walk around. I can't imagine that makes you so much less safe.

It's so vulnerable. I feel so vulnerable with it. Yeah. When it's in my car, when it's so vulnerable. I feel so vulnerable with it. Yeah. When it's in my car, when it's near me, I always feel vulnerable. Yeah. That gun makes me vastly less.

That gun just sits in my safe. I don't do anything with it. I barely shoot it. Right. Yeah. But like, like there is a, there is a narrative that these guys really believe that,

that at some point there is a, there's a good chance in their minds that they're gonna get involved in some kind of they think deadly altercation i'm like bro you're set this guy's 74 years old and i guarantee that guy's never been in a fucking shootout i know so i can make it to 74 without getting in a shootout i feel like that's a pretty good odds it's also like it's that thin blue line lie that there's the one thing one thing that's created that's a pretty good odds. It's also like, it's that thin blue line lie that there's the one thing that's saving us from chaos is the thin blue line of the police officer.

And it's the same thing here. It's like the one thing that's stopping all the marauders from stealing everybody's goods is that they could occasionally run across a guy with a concealed carry permit. And so they don't do it. And it's like, bullshit. Are you kidding me? Get the fuck out of here. It's a dumb idea. But there's that bullshit mentality of, you know, that guy's got a gun and you got a gun and,

you know, there's going to be this shootout. And there's a language that they all seem to use. This guy was much less rootin' tootin' than the guy downtown and much, also much less, very much less, in my opinion, telling you how to avoid murder charges. He was, the first class was a lot of time spent on that. The first class spent so much time trying to like getting you to memorize all the things you need to say so you don't get murder charges because they expect that you're going to shoot somebody. He kept saying like, do not ever pull your gun out. The new guy is, the new guy I'm talking about, the new guy that just taught this class. He kept saying over and over, do not ever pull this gun out if you do not intend to use it. And you should be very, very certain that it is a life or death situation. He made sure to emphasize that

way more than the first guy did. He did. He also talked about like, the best bet is to retreat. If you do do something, like it's probably going to cost you everything in your life. It'll cost you everything.

You should leave. It was good. He was, I appreciated that. He 100% said, your ego's not worth it. You shouldn't, he's like, you should try to get away. And that's not something I even heard

the first time I took that class. Nope, nope. So very good. But tragically, I want to explain the process here. Here's what I had to do to get my fucking renewal. Now I had to pay money for this. I had to pay $75 and then I had to pay $150 to renew the fucking concealed carry. What I had to do to get that renewal was I had to watch a two and a half hour PowerPoint, a three hour PowerPoint. We had to do three. No, it was two and a half hours because we only spent a half an hour shooting. So we had to, you have to spend a three hour minimum timeframe doing the work. It's a two and a half hour PowerPoint. There is no test. There is no questions. There is no review. You just have to be looking literally have to be in the same room as it yeah you don't even

have to look at it because at a certain point he's like you guys want to look at your phones or something you can't even he said he's like i'm not going to take your i'm not going to tell you guys to hide your phones it's small class i'm sure you guys are busy or whatever and so he let us have our phones in front of us and a couple times i had to text during the thing because i was talking to somebody else but seriously you don't even have to pay attention and then the only test you have to take oh my god i know is you have to go to the fucking firing range with this guy. He rents a range, rents a line in the range,

and then you have to at five, seven, and 10 yards. And now for people who aren't in the fucking English system or the whatever imperial system that we are, that's five, it's five meters, it's less than five meters. It's less than five meters because a yard is shorter than a meter. It's less than seven meters and it's less than 10 meters. You have to

shoot 10 times at each station and you have to get a total of 21 shots into the black part of a target, an NRA sized target, which is human size. Huge. It's huge. 21 out of 30 is a passing fucking score. Tom and I didn't miss it. Tom and I were both in

the closest, like, very close areas where you 100% passed. Fucking five yards away is 15 feet. You could fucking almost reach out and poke it with a fucking broom. You could hold it with one hand and just, like, butterfly the trigger and hit that. It's a fucking joke. It's unbelievable. Illinois is the hardest state to get. And hit that. And hit that. It's unbelievable. It's a fucking joke.

It's unbelievable. Illinois is the hardest state to get a concealed carry permit. That's the thing that's crazy. And the other thing I want to talk about is how much time he spent trying to keep you safe if you have a fucking concealed carry from law enforcement. A huge amount of the time. And I think rightfully so. But the whole time I'm thinking like, this is why you shouldn't have a gun.

Everything he's saying, like at one point he said something like, well, you know, and you never know who's armed. And I'm thinking that's the problem. You're making it worse by me sitting in your living room. By giving other people a chance. To that. But he spent so much time like telling you

what to say to the cops like if you're driving and the cop pulls you over you're supposed to say you're not supposed to say like i have a concealed carry permit and i have a gun and you're not supposed to say that because you don't want like some trigger happy fucking yahoo to hear the words i have a gun and just start opening fire on you yeah because amer. So you're supposed to say something along the lines of, I have a concealed carry permit and I am carrying today. Right. So that the words I have a gun are never uttered. So the trigger happy fucking murderous cops don't shoot you for no fucking reason. There was a lot of time spent on how to not get murdered by the police. It was not

exaggerating. Non-exaggeration here. It was 30 minutes of time. It was 30 minutes of time where we spent and that at that point, what is that? That's a fifth of the time. Right. A fifth of the time just sitting there listening to how to because every police officer

is like a fucking wild bear and you've got to treat every cop like they're a wild bear and they will just open fire. And it's weird because there's this weird, there's this weird cognitive dissonance that's happening in this guy who 100% is talking about how he loves law enforcement. He even had like a little acronym for them. Leo. Call him Leo. Law enforcement officer. So he had Leos.

He's like Leos. And he's. So he had Leos. He's like Leos. And he's talking about how great Leos are and how this and that. But at the same time, he's talking about how fucking trigger happy and terrified you should be if you get pulled over. And the whole time, I'm like, that whole class was just a list of reasons not to conceal carry. It was 100% that. That's exactly it. It's like three hours of- I can't imagine carrying after that. Holy shit. And then when you get to the list of the 24 places

and their categories of places- No kidding. Where you can't, by law, carry your gun, and then if you do, it's a felony, and if you just make a mistake

by not having the right card in your wallet or you didn't update the fucking address on your card because you moved last month or whatever, everything's a felony.

Yeah. So like the cops are going to shoot you. Some other dude's going to see your gun and get scared that you got a gun and take you out first if there is a fucking event. And then everything's a fucking felony. And then if you use your gun,

like it's going to ruin your fucking, the whole time is a fucking masterclass on why would you have this thing? And every single place, Tom's right, there's like 25 places that you can't carry your gun and it's literally all the places. It's everywhere you would want to go. It's everywhere you would want to go that you would

think maybe you might be in a place where, you know, I don't know, something could happen there and I don't want to get, you know, but at the same time you hear all these places. It's like every single place that's ever smelled alcohol. You can't ever take the gun. You can't take it on CTA.

You can't take it on places. It's like no parks. No public land. Just a million places. And it sucks. It's a stupid thing to carry it anyway. But even if you thought in your brain that you were trying to protect yourself,

I don't see why you would ever fucking use this thing because you can't carry it. And we constantly have to go back to your car. Right. And then he's got this whole thing where there's certain places where you can't even have it on your person, stand up and take it off your person. Right.

Outside the car. Cause you could get a felony. And I'm just like, well, God, why would I carry it then? It's the worst idea. I didn't even want to drive it to the range. I was like, fuck, fuck's sake. What is wrong?

It is the dumbest fucking thing that you could possibly carry on your person. The whole class, I'm like, why the fuck are you teaching this? Are you subtly telling it? But I don't think so. Yeah. I think he really thinks, and I think he's a genuine, honest person. And I think he really believes that narrative that he is protecting his family.

But I'm like, but if I follow your rules, there's no place that this would be used. Like I could take it to my friend's house. Yeah, you could wake, you could go to the grocery store. You could be strapped like fucking, what's that fucking big meathead? Crowder. You could be strapped like Crowder in the studio. Right.

Right. But who, like you're in a studio, you idiot. You know, like who cares? I know. So there's no,

there's not a place. God, it's a stupid thing. There's not a place. And there's so many places in Illinois that since this became a thing, they immediately put up signs. Like, fuck you. Like you didn't have, so many places in Illinois that since this became a thing, they immediately put up signs. Fuck you.

Like you didn't have so many places. The week after it became a thing, the place we were renting space at in Glory Hole Studios had the sign. Had the sign on the door. Couldn't take it to the studio. You could not take the gun to the studio. Why would you?

But still, you couldn't, right? So there's like, it just doesn't make any sense. And like you say, it, it feels like a self-aware wolf. Like you're so close. You're so fucking close. Yeah.

You're so close. It feels like all he needs is a nudge because there's so many moments where I thought you hear you. Right. You hear that this is a bad idea. Right. But anyway, these people, they love,

they love this, this, this idea of carrying a gun. And it's a very American thing to carry a gun. It's a very American idea to have guns. And so they love this thing and they want to have it and they want to keep it. But for two times in a row, I could not be more surprised at how we had to take a test when we got our first one. But I don't even think that test was required now.

No, I think he just gave it to us just to see who he was going to sign off on because I don't think that there's a test required. And there was no test required here except for a shooting test. And it's just such a scary thing that everybody did the same thing I do that they can carry guns.

I will say one thing that I thought was like kind of adorable about this older guy. And I thought he was going to go in a different direction. So there's one time where he's about to describe, and you can sense where the sentence is going. He's about to describe this sort of ne'er-do-wells that one might be protecting oneself from, right? And he's got this whole like, if you see a woman getting raped in a dark alley, you can shoot him or something like it's like batman yeah he's got like a batman complex going on but he's like an older guy i

thought for a second like oh my god there's gonna be some fucking coded racist language here but instead he's like you know he's some some kid and some street tough some street tough in a leather jacket i was like oh oh it's like when there's a when there's a jet, you're a jet. He's like old school. Yep. He's 100% thinking of a greaser. Yep. He's thinking a greaser is the threat. And it's, it was charming. It was charming. It was like adorable. I wanted to reach out

to him like, it's not 1948, dude. I'm so happy you're not a racist. I know. I love that part. I was just like, so happy you're not a racist. But he also talked about citizens arrest, Cecil. Yeah, he did a couple of times. Yeah. Citizens arrest. What world are we in?

He's talking about like, well, if you choose to do a citizens arrest, here are all the problems that might arise from that. And the problems were so unreal. And at the end, he's like, and if it goes to a civil court, you can basically get charged with fucking like imprisonment

and kidnapping and they can take literally all your shit. And I'm just like, why on earth would I ever do that? What is happening here? Holy shit, why would I do that? It was crazy. But you know what you can have in Illinois because of your concealed carry now? Most exciting thing.

In Illinois, a concealed carry lets you have a switchblade. You can have a switchblade. No, a Floyd does. A Floyd. A Floyd. So you can just have a regular Floyd.

Yeah. You can have a switchblade because again, it's 1950s greaser time. And it was- Ponyboy and you can get into it. It was crazily written in

as one of the amendments because somebody- Very specifically. The high, like big switchbait lobby wanted to make sure that it was in there. But anyway, that's what we did.

We'll probably tell you about it again in another five years. It was so funny. It's crazy. It was so funny. Take a look. It's in a book. A reading rainbow.

A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. Tom, we read Demon Haunted World, chapter 5, Spoofing and Secrecy. And this chapter starts out talking about, essentially talking about UFOs and what a UFO is. And again, how it's so always tied to the idea of the flying saucer and the visiting aliens. UFO is almost synonymous with that.

You can't say UFO nowadays without evoking that idea. Talks about all the different things that we found in the past that we thought were UFOs and also visitation from other, and then turned out to be nothing. Spends a lot of time on Roswell

talking about this. A lot, yeah. And about weather balloons, how weather balloons are. Weather balloons very often from other end and it turned out to be nothing. Talk spends a lot of time on Roswell talking about this. A lot, yeah. And about weather balloons, how weather balloons are. You know, weather balloons very often are mistaken for this. And I have a quick story about a balloon. I'll get to in a second. I want to finish the synopsis real quick.

And then he gets to the end of the chapter and he has a really important message. And I really liked the way this chapter sort of finished because what he says at the end essentially is we shouldn't just throw things out and say that they're nothing. Something is being seen. There is something we are seeing. We shouldn't just

say there's nothing. And we shouldn't We shouldn't just say there's nothing. And we shouldn't just 100% say that there's nothing happening because there is things happening. And the more that we do deny these things out of hand as skeptics, the more that we do that, the more chance we have of being fooled by the government and things like that, that are actually putting, you know, doing things like, you know, these, these projects that are throwing weather balloons in other places, trying to send weather balloons across Russia, trying to

send supersonic jets through the atmosphere. All these times that we just wave a hand wave away, there is something, and it could be natural phenomenon. It could be is super low chance that it's fucking visitation from another planet that the government is hiding from us. But we, we, when we hand wave that away, that makes us not only look like assholes, but it also makes us in some some ways, susceptible to being tricked.

Yeah, I think two things really stood out for me in this chapter. The first is that the first three quarters of the chapter really felt like an example masterclass on Occam's razor. Right. Right? It's, you know, you've got some choices to make in terms of deciding what seems most likely. Is it that we're in the middle of a Cold War at the time that a lot of these sightings happened? And, you know, there's going to be testing of the sort of defenses between Russia and America. And that that's going to involve some people flying some sorties maybe into American airspace.

And then, you know, the Air Force not wanting to say, I didn't know what that was. And so they legitimately deny knowledge. And so now you have a craft which was reported, which, and Occam's razor is an important part of being a skeptic. Yeah. It's an important, important part of being a skeptic, which is more likely. And he goes through these different scenarios and they're all vastly, vastly more likely than some beings from another planet mastering the challenges of interstellar space travel and showing up to zip around mostly unseen and occasionally, like, fuck with your prostate. Pick us up and shoot stuff up our ass. So I thought that was really good. And I thought to your point, Cecil,

the other, the sort of last third or quarter of the chapter was really like, look, what's important is that we find out what is true. And what is true is not being dismissive, and it's not being credulous. It is seeking to

find out what is actually happening. And if we are entirely credulous, that's one end of the spectrum. That's a fucking problem, right? That means we're believing in a whole bunch of bullshit that isn't true. But if we are dismissive, that's just the opposite end of the spectrum of credulity. And that's problematic too. The goal of a skeptical mind should be to seek to find what's true based on the evidence provided.

Dismissiveness is not helpful. Credulity is not helpful. What he talks about too is there's a point where he discusses how something was delivered to

a reporter about blurry sort of blurry photographs and a description that was supposed to be a declassified news or not news a declassified uh and it wasn't declassified it was a classified military record was supposed to be delivered to this person this was a forgery that he clearly thinks is a forgery. It was blurry photos and a description and it was all written in such a way to make it seem like it was this big conspiracy being delivered to this person who then wrote about it and sort of searched about it and then did some digging about it and stuff like that. And it occurred to me when I was reading that that how sophisticated

you had to be back then in order to trick somebody and troll somebody. How sophisticated you had to be. Because Q is literally a guy typing at his computer

something that hasn't happened yet. Right. And he somehow gets somebody to believe it. Not just somebodies, a lot of somebodies to believe it. Right. Whereas this person went through all this trouble to type things out and take photos. To manufacture evidence. To basically manufacture evidence and everything and just slide it

in. And it struck me as one of those moments where it's like, I wonder what Carl would think. Because yeah, you don't want to, you know, when somebody says they see something, you don't want to just out of hand say it's nothing, right? You want to be, but what would Carl think about Q? That's what I wonder because that's clearly bullshit, right? It's clearly bullshit. It's an anonymous board. It's been shown time and time again that every single prediction is false

there's nothing happens nobody on the inside knows anything it's all nostradamus language it's like you know and it's always moving the goalposts pushing it further down the line it's all bullshit but i wonder you know i wonder where he would come in on that as you know as somebody who we know is a skeptic, but also somebody who says, let's look at the evidence. You know, I wonder if he would stop and say, okay, well, that's the evidence.

What I just said was the evidence and that's evidence. I think, I kind of feel like he'd be fucking heartbroken. Yeah. Because like in the 90s, you needed to manufacture evidence

that we're just past even needing evidence. We don't even need it anymore. We're like, well, we'll take any rumor. Literally doesn't matter. Give me a rumor from an anonymous source

on a fucking internet message board. I want to talk about the balloon thing though, because I was in Chicago, I think, or New York. I don't remember where I was in a big city and I was walking down the street and I was walking down and I had my headphones in and some guy stopped me and I figured he was going to ask me for directions. That happens all the time. I have a face of someone who thinks they know where I'm at. To be fair, you have an excellent sense of direction. It was probably me. But in any case, the guy's like,

hey, do you see that up there? And I look, and there's a red dot in the sky. And it's moving weird. It's like, vup, vup, vup, vup, vup, vup, vup. Now, it's daytime. Right. And I'm seeing this thing fucking, it's moving strange. It's like zipping this way and this way. And it's clearly because there's big buildings. I was in Chicago. Cause I remember I was like, when it was over the lake, I couldn't tell where it was.

Right. But then it moved in front of a building and I was like, oh, it's closer than the buildings is what I said to him. And I said, I'm not sure, but maybe a bag or something or a piece of paper. And he's like, no, I don't think it's a piece of paper. And then a guy walks by, pulls his headphones out, looks up and goes, it's a balloon. And then he puts his headphones and he walks past.

And he was right. When you looked at it from where I was, it's hard to tell what it was because a balloon is round. There's some parts of it are brighter than others because of the way light works. You know, it just like there's a shine to it. It's just hard to tell what it was.

And it was moving weird. I mean, it was moving weird because wind currents in Chicago move things weird. And so it was zipping back and forth. It was going up and down. It's kind of going all over the place, but it was a helium balloon that somebody lost control of

and it was flying through the air. And it genuinely looked, I don't, I wasn't going to say it looked like a spacecraft. Right. But it was something that it was definitely a UFO until that guy came by

and told me it was a balloon. I didn't know. But there's a big part of this chapter where Carl's talking about like, yeah, man, balloons can be fucking weird and they can flow weird and they can do weird shit and they can trick a lot of people. Yeah. And it's interesting because we used balloons and then the Soviets used balloons and we still use balloons for lots of different stuff, for military stuff, for weather stuff,

for radar stuff, just for stuff. Balloons are a cheap way to get stuff high up, but they weigh almost nothing. And as a result, to your experience, they move around much more easily than things that have to be propelled through the air by their own forces and have inertia, right? There's very little inertia to a fucking balloon. They have very little mass.

It gets whipped around, yeah. Right. There's also a story in my in-laws family about, and I'm not really sure because I always kind of tune this story out. I'll be perfectly frank. I tune this story out. But it's something about like at a certain time a year, every year,

they can see in the forest there's a weird glow that comes back every year. It happens every year. And around a certain time a year, they see the glow. And they always attribute it to something supernatural. Like my family, my in-law family always attributes it to something supernatural. But I think

like, I shouldn't just dismiss it, right? I shouldn't just say, oh, come on, get the fuck out. But I kind of do. Right. Because I think there is something, but I 100% think it's probably atmospheric or has to do with the moon or something. Because if it's happening every year,

it probably happens at the same time every year, the same time that there's a tilt of the earth at a certain point. You know what I mean? There's almost certain that it's some sort of... I don't think it's meteorological. I think it's astronomical in some way that there's something that's happening, right?

But I think that there is a, that, you know, like very often in my life, I've been the guy who's been like, come on, that's bullshit. There's nothing there. Come on, get the fuck out of here. But there is something, you know, you hear something in the middle of the night. There's something there. Sure. Yeah. It's not what you think. It's not the murderer. It's not the guy from Scream. It's not the fucking little girl from The Ring. It's none of those things. Whenever you hear that, that's a fox. All of the things you just described,

that's what foxes sound like. But seriously, you don't, I mean, it could be, it's, you know, it's something, but it's probably something completely harmless and innocuous, or, you know, you didn't put something far enough on a counter and it eventually fell off or something. You know what I mean? There's a million things that happen, little things that happen where something, you know, something happens in your house where you're just like, what was that? But there was something, but it probably wasn't the thing that was, you know, that you should be alarmed about. And I think that that's the message I got out of this is like, there is something, you know, There's something that these people are seeing, these people that are driving.

I remember there's been a couple times in my life I've seen, I saw one time I mistook the moon in a puddle for something floating. I remember you telling me. I saw that. There was another time I mistook a seagull for a flying saucer when I was a kid. So there's been all their time. There's been times in my life I fooled myself, right? It's not hard, but it was clearly something that was mundane about my world. It was not something that was extraordinary. I think too that one thing that I took from this chapter is experts can be fooled.

Regular lay people can be fooled. The point is to find out what it is. Yeah. You know, but if we leap to a supernatural conclusion, we're jumping over the fact that literally nothing has ever been proven to be supernatural.

Right, right. Right? So that bar is so high to get over. Before I get to supernatural, I have to exhaust every possible natural conclusion. All the natural. And if I don't exhaust

every single possible, even the most unlikely natural conclusion, I have leapt into a world that has not yet one time ever been proven to have happened. And the same is true of alien. The same is true of all that stuff.

Right? I'm willing to go there, but it is necessarily at the very bottom of the list. And it's the hardest, it's the highest bar to get there because you've got, like you said,

you've got to climb over all that other stuff. And, you know, Carl hasn't gotten into it as much. He has in a couple of previous chapters, but it's very clear that we want to believe this stuff. Well, yeah, we're primed to it.

We want to believe it. We want to convince ourselves that it's real because it's exciting. Because it's exciting or it confirms the biases that were given to us by our parents or by our friends. There's reasons why the human mind wants to believe this stuff. And there has been some hint of it earlier,

but we'll probably get into more of it as the book goes on. So next week is chapter six. Join us for chapter six of Demon Haunted World. We're having a great time reading this. I'm just loving this book. I'm really enjoying it. So join in, join in the fun,

join in the comments, join in with Tom reading it for patrons. And we'll be reading chapter six next week. So let's do that. Okay, fine. Like what? Well, I have a couple ideas. Here's a new song I was writing. Come together right now. Adam and Eve. Stop. I thought these were original songs.

They are. Okay, sure, Ian. Next. Okay, here's a new, like, moody one. And you can tell everybody this is your thong. You got it at adamandeve.com Use code GLORY

What was wrong with that? Next and next. Okay, try this. Be your own personal dildo. No. Okay, you'll like this one. When you want to come, it's adamandeve.com. Use the glory zone for free stuff.

Sam and Ian, it's 2021 and still with the Rick rolling. All right, I got a better one. Come body once, told me... No, absolutely fucking not. Okay, okay, I was working on another one, but you have to let it breathe. Okay. Promise? Yes, fine.

Welcome to the ad break, AdamEve.com. Did I mention that our goal's for you to get it on? They've got thousands of products. You'll love them, of course. You know our promo code is GLORY. This ain't your first time. Welcome to the ad break. Come and stroke your meat on a sex wing

with a cock ring and a dildo tween your feet. Choose a product. Get half off six free movies to score. You like free shipping? Well of course you do more Get a sexy free product for you and one for them And a third one you can both use on your curious roommate gym Get a Liberator, Nipple Tickler, Mega 12-inch Cock Extender One clitoral stimulator, Sucky Jack dual penetrator with Swampert

Here's some dildo cleaning spray, you should buy hostongs Get a strapless strap-on ball gag on with a purple dong Which pleasure will you choose from? All things to glory Use promo code at checkout, Adam and Eve will make you come Can I interest you in getting fucked some of the time? A little bit of getting fucked some of the time Flick your bean or stick your wiener and enjoy an anal teaser Most of you enjoy some fuck some of the time

Can I interest you? You really think that Adam and Eve want that song attributed to their company? It's like all about the subversive and mesmerizing nature of modernity and the illusion of internet compartmentalization. No, I'm just using it as a contrafactum, like utilizing its melodic popularity by changing the words to fit my

point of view. It's not an endorsement of the prior work's interpretation or a reflection thereof. Sure, but it's essentially a show tune from a specific musical focused on a particular set of themes, and attempting to decouple the melody from its overarching message seems contrived and counterproductive. Fine, fine, fine. We'll go back to this. Give me those anal beats, pull them out slowly please, I'm gonna get on my knees and use code glory.

Jesus. Remember when I used to sing those songs? Yeah, but I think I'm more relatable. That doesn't sound likely. Hmm. Yeah. Remember to use code GLORY at adamandeve.com. All right, so this is the last Vulgarity for Charity on this show

for the fundraiser we did in 2019. It's been almost two years and a hell of a ride, but we are finally at the end of the roast. We wanted to close out the session with the guys that invited us

to be part of this to begin with the scathing atheist Heath and Martin glad to be here thank you Cecil always happy to pass 40% of the work

onto you guys and Eli's also here he came on okay I get it he needs to let his best friend have his own intro I see what you're doing Cecil I get it. He needs to let his best friend have his own intro.

I see what you're doing, Cecil. I appreciate it. He tries really hard, though. A for effort, right? Okay. First up, a choice, Heath. You get to roast Kylie or an image of a pile of puppies. Pick your poison.

All right. I'm going to go with the pile of puppies. Pick your poison. All right. I'm going to go with the pile of puppies because they're so stupid. They're so dumb. Look at them. My face needs to go here right now, right now. But why though? Why does your face need to go there right now?

What happens? What win is it when you wedge your face into that new spot? Chub, chub. I heard a perfectly normal sound. It was just a perfectly normal sound over here. It's over here. I'm checking it.

I'm checking it. I'm checking it, boss. Okay. All good over here. I got it covered. Okay. My face needs to go here right now. Right under your hand with a full glass of wine.

Right now. Right now. They're so dumb. They're the best. All right, Tom. All right. Madeline would like one of your signature destroy you as a person style roasts for her horrible father, tom. All right madeline would like uh, one of your signature destroy you as a person style roast for her horrible father paul Oh god, all right madeline

Your father is afraid of you. That's just the straight truth. He's fucking terrified of you He was afraid of you when he played that bullshit absentee game when you were a baby and he's afraid of you now He's a fucking coward madeline Because all he sees when he sees you is a reflection of his weakness and his failure. And that reflection is big and bright and loud and glaring, and it is everything about him. He's not an asshole to you because of you or anything about you, Madeline.

He is an asshole because you are the walking strength that reaches into the tiny dark space where he is hiding inside of himself, and it absolutely crushes him. He is an asshole because he can only quiet the voice in him that whispers on repeat every moment that he is nothing by yelling louder than the demons which tell him the truth of his own insignificance. Ignore the noise, Madeline. It's sound and fury to be sure, but it is still nothing. Okay. Well, we should give other people roast for dogs

instead of just piling this all on Heath. So Noah, can you roast this dog Wesley for Karen? They wanted the How to Heretic guys, the uncles to do, so maybe try to make it not funny. I don't know. I'll see what I can do,

but this is not an animal shaped creature okay it's gonna be tough it looks like something you remember like in the early 2000s when badly drawn became a cartoon genre yes it looks like something from one of those it looks like somebody had to put together a dog quick using only what they had available. The thing to your left is a dog now or whatever. It's a fucking show dog too. I can only assume that means there's some kind of show themed around, look at the shape of this

fucking head to discord entirely on unexpected eye placement. I thought this thing was fucking Photoshopped. It really did. Eli, we know how much you like Twitter fights. Can you roast Chad Prather or at WatchChad on Twitter for Slippy? Oh, Jesus.

I literally had to ask my wife to log me into Twitter to read this asshole's tweets. Oh, if one could live the country music lifestyle, Chad is living that lifestyle. He looks like the kind of guy who asks where his good monster energy hat is on date night. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Obviously, no one

wants to date Chad, so date night is just him sitting in the parking lot of Wing Street, which everyone knows is Pizza Hut, Chad. You're not fooling us. Yelling into his front-facing camera about how Biden will never make him take a vaccine. Okay. This next

one is for Clint. Cecil roasts Maureen Walsh, the Washington state senator who said nurses are probably playing card salt. That's so nice. Can a state senator talk about work ethic to literally anyone? You work fucking six days a quarter, man.

Your arduous job consists of you sitting and listening to things. Occasionally, you may have to raise your hand or lift a pen. Many times in my life, I heard the phrase dedicated nurse, but the words I'm about to say have never been uttered in this order in a genuine way in human history. Hardworking Republican

Senator. Okay. This next one is for Anonymous K. They would like their boss Barbara roasted. Hit it, Heath. Okay. So we didn't get a photo. I'll give it a shot anyway. Barbara looks like a well-known cartoon character with a funny-sounding disease got fucked by an amorphous concept somehow. Also,

despite being a low-level branch manager at a bank, Barbara is a ninja spy in her own head, apparently apparently and she thinks people are following her all the time so she literally takes a different route home every day oh no i hate to ruin your thing but if somebody's following you they they just follow you they don't get confused they're just like at a certain point they're just like oh we're following a crazy They just follow you. They don't get confused because you mixed it up that day. They're just like,

at a certain point, they're just like, oh, we're following a crazy person. They're not like Daffy Duck where you reverse the order of right and left in a conversation. No, they just follow you. What do you guys think? Should we just ambush her

when she gets home, the place she goes every day? Yeah, let's just ambush her. That's the end of all this. Switching up. Tom, another special request. Yep. Amy would like her uncle-in-law, Chris,

to get a signature beating. Holy fucking shit. Your uncle, Chris, is like one of those cringe comedy villains where everything he does is so insanely awful that it somehow transcends

the comedy itself until you want to hide your face from the TV so you don't have to witness the oblivious, slow-motion self-destruction. Witness it, Arnie. Revel in it. Because fuckers like your Uncle Chris, they will blow hard their way through the world because they can, because they confuse being outrageous and self-righteous with being useful. But he's not useful. He is a black hole of meaning and purpose. He is so obsessed with making you and everyone around you feel uncomfortable because he knows when he wakes up that if he doesn't find some way to put that feeling, that he has no reason to have bothered with the effort of opening his eyes again for one more pointless fucking moment, one more meaningless day onto someone else that he just won't bother the next time.

one more meaningless day onto someone else that he just won't bother the next time. So see that shit for exactly what it is. And next time he tries that shit, just look him in the eye so he knows you've got him fucking pegged and call him on it out loud. Strip away just one layer and he'll know you see the purposeless void

that is his stupid fucking life. Call him out on it and fucking yawn. Good Lord, man. Okay, Cecil, this next one. All right, Cecil, this next one is for Aaron. He wants you to roast

his coworker, Dave. Okay, hey, Dave. I know you're a 46-year-old virgin waiting for marriage, so it's probably a lot better for your sanity

to think that you're the one controlling the spigot of sex that would easily be pouring all over you if you want it. Totally, totally a vol cell, not an incel. I mean, what sane woman

wouldn't drown herself in her own juices when she saw you in your tap-out shirt holding your Christian CD collection. Save some for the rest of us. Wow. All right, John. John requested a roast of their mom.

Oh, it's so good. Melody. So Noah, you're up. Oh God, the picture is so amazing because nobody in the family likes her. So nobody has a picture. So it's just this weird cut off. you're not going to see her in the distance thing

and I can say like Melody looks like she'd be out of place anywhere but haunting a shiffarobe right like she's so archaic she couldn't even find a modern piece of furniture to haunt and apparently is it from a raisin in the sun that you're haunting and apparently by the way

she'd see exactly as much of her kids if she got the fuck to the haunting right so melody by all means practice up your chain clanking technique oh you can use all the time you spent desperately alone because all your kids hate you eli this one's for you jared wants a roast of their brother-in-law Phil yeah so Phil is a MAGA loving sexist and Jared

included this Facebook post where Phil is like announcing to his social media that he sure hopes his wife fucks him for all the chores

he's doing but he's fucking up literally every chore in the post it's like a little photo montage

he's bathing the kid he's got the little photo montage. He's bathing the kid. He's got the spigot just pounding down on the kid's head. Soap in his eyes because he's too busy taking the fucking selfie. He's putting the trash bag they won't take in the can. He's washing the floor with a kitchen sponge. I hope Phil's wife

took back a sex for this Facebook post. I hope you fucked your wife one less time because of this. It looks like it's time for our first This category is friends. And you know what builds

the best friendships? Radical honesty. No, it doesn't. So I want you to You're still fucking lying to me, buddy. Radically honest with the group. So, I want you to be radically honest with the group.

Tell them what they need to hear. Heath, you're first. Roast Eileen for Felix. All right. Hey,

Eileen. So, you know how people sometimes say superficial appearances don't matter. It's about how you are on the inside.

You should be worried about both because your friends don't like you it's not that you're paranoid they just actually don't like you as a human being like on the inside or the outside you're not a likable

or attractive person in any way but other than that this is such a mean way to do this oof alright I'll take the next one this one is for Jake to roast Nathan but other than that this is so mean this is such a mean way to do this oof alright I'll take the next one this one's

this one is for Jake to roast Nathan hey Jake how hard is it looking down on someone you're supposed to look up to he's his superior officer he's like a full head

tall okay Nathan come here buddy has anyone ever talked to you about your pants I mean here you are in your dress blues

with medals falling off your chest and you look like you rolled up your pants into a pillow and slept on it. You look like you looted your leg armor from a level one mob. Sam wants a roast of Brian, podcast host. So Noah, this one's yours. Okay, radical

honesty, Brian. I saw your picture and apparently nobody else has the heart to tell you. You have a weird thin strip of beard stretching from your temple to your chin that must like, I don't know, hide behind your cheek when you look in the mirror or something. I'm not sure. There's no way somebody would do this on purpose. Like this is such a silly and unflattering facial hair configuration. So I assume it's some kind of mirror

issue so work on that gotta open the thing man poof okay next up roast Kayla for Macy Tom sure sure no problem you put out your Christmas lights

before Thanksgiving Kayla fuck you, Kayla. Really? You have nothing else to look forward to. That's it. Just fucking Christmas for six fucking weeks straight. And then what do you have left, Kayla? After the tinsel and the marshmallows and the cutesy fucking reindeer-themed bric-a-brac tchotchke bullshit littering your fucking house

like some kind of tacky, overpriced, garish plastic holiday shrapnel. You have nothing. You have all the fucking creative soul and wit of an anonymous cinder block in an endless field of cinder blocks. You are light beige inside, you nutmeg spiced boar. Jeez, Tom.

You know, if you just... If you just lightened up and lived laughter all the time, you would feel better. See, I was eat, praying, and loving. I got it mixed up. You would feel a lot better. Okay, Tom, another one. Yeah.

You got to roast Philip for Macy. Okay. Hey, guys. Hey, you know what Philip likes? Marvel movies. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. His best fucking friend in the entire world had literally endless character count to describe Philip.

friend in the entire world had literally endless character count to describe Philip. And we got that he likes the same movies as literally millions of other people who also like those movies. You know why? Because there's no Philip. I mean, sure, he's real and he'll probably help you move or loan you 20 bucks or whatever, but there's nothing there. He's just a guy who likes stuff. He rhymes with every other fucking guy who likes the same popular, uninteresting, unchallenging shit they churn out en masse and sell to people without real identities

so they don't go crazy like a bear in the zoo eating its own foot. So there you go, guys. Philip likes Marvel movies. And if you take that away from him, I guess he's just a guy who drinks water every day

so he doesn't die. Do bears eat their own feet sometimes? I don't know. It was better than paste back and forth. It had a little bite to it. A big one too, because a barefoot is not as small. All right.

Two people needing some radical honesty here, Eli. Victoria for Vincent and Vanessa for Perry. All right. Bucking up the alliteration there. Radical honesty. Okay, so Victoria's a hot Trumper who thinks she's a DJ, so let's start with her. Hey, Victoria,

five years. You have five years of people wanting to fuck you left. That's how many you got. And then, and Victoria, this is true. I mean this from my heart. Nobody will care if you fucking die because

Victoria, your tits, starting at around 17, they did all the growing for you. And in five years, did I mention you have five years? Five years, five years max, everyone and everything you think cares about you is going to fall away like melting snow. And ironically, so will your tits. All right.

Then who is next? Oh, we got Vanessa. Vanessa, the trans evangelical Trump supporter needs some radical honesty. Okay. Hey, Vanessa, bring it in, girl. They think you're a guy. They think you're a pervert who gets off and wearing garters and panties, and

when you're not around, they warn each other about leaving you alone with their kids because they think you'll fuck them. And the minute you show even the slightest sign of being anything other than their token, the minute you refuse to pose for their fucking cultural equivalent of the college brochure, the minute you stop letting your body and your heart be used in secret by their men,

they will literally fucking kill you, Vanessa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Noah, roast Cosmo's friend, Jacob. Yeah, Cosmo gave me virtually nothing to work with here. Like, Jacob's a nice guy who trained Cosmo and looks like you haven't started fucking with your avatar yet.

But I do know that he intentionally went to work for Amazon despite not being starving, right? So, Jacob, you look like you have to pee real bad, man. You look like you traded away mict bad, man. You look like you traded away micturation for a 90 cent an hour raise, and you're too proud to admit that was a mistake. But good luck with the bacterial retention in your bladder,

dude. Got one here for you, too. This is for Matthew. He wants his mom and stepdad roasted. Okay. Of the three things pictured in this photo, your mom, your stepdad,

and the brontosaurus from the Ark Park, the dinosaur is the best fucking parent in the photo. It has a much larger brain capacity around walnut size, so it's better impulse control, better decision making,

and when it shits out kids, at least it leaves them alone. We aren't done with Macy yet, guys. Here's another one for them. They want Philip's wife, Elia, roasted. Heath, take this one. All right, Elia.

So, you know how it looks when a celebrity appears with one of their siblings on TV? And the sibling kind of looks like the famous person, but like bad. Yeah. Bad person version.

Elia is Carmelo Soprano, but bad. A really low budget version of that. She's needy Falco. Just bad. Fantastic. Okay. Next up, we have a slew of axes, so let's get started. Tom, signature roast here

for Karen roasting her ex-husband Rick. You know, I actually think I roasted Rick already. I'm pretty sure I did, but then I thought about it and then I wasn't so sure because all these fucking lazy fucking men are so blandly the same, I can't remember one from the other.

And that's kind of my point, Karen. There was never anything special about Rick. Any asshole can leave you high and dry and blame you for shit they did or you did together or fucking whatever. Any asshole, in fact, will. That is standard asshole stuff. Rick's connection with his new girl

isn't some all-encompassing transcendent love, or he wouldn't tell you about it, Karen. He'd just bask in the glow of it and then drive his kids to the movies wouldn't tell you about it, Karen. He'd just bask in the glow of it and then drive his kids to the movies. But he's that guy, Karen. He's got no connections because there's nothing unique about him to hook onto or connect with. Rick isn't worth the time it takes to roast him. He'll turn out bland no matter how much heat we fucking apply here. And not one minute of the effort it takes to roast him or for you to be hurt or mad or hate him is worth it because at the end of the day, you're sinking

more effort into Rick than Rick has ever sunk into himself. He is a low effort, low energy, low value, bottom of the lost and found kind of guy, Karen. And even though I think that I have actually roasted him before, I really can't tell because he reeks of the same quiet desperation

of every one of these fucking guys who drift their way through life. And I, for one, am sick of the stench of their mediocrity. Salt, fat, acid, hate from Tom. So good. So good. Noah, your turn. Danielle wants you to roast their ex-customer, Brian. Oh, wow.

This douchebag. So in the picture that she sent, this dude is very clearly both mansplaining and manspreading. And from what Danny says, that's because he literally never is not doing those two things, right? He's a self-important asshole who thinks he should get discounts because he's so religious and he looks like he's waited his whole life for a chance to cock a gun and say, I'm going in. Let's roll or whatever.

An ex-girlfriend here, Eli, roast Tia for Peter. Oh, Peter. Peter, I wish I had you here beside me. Not just so I could hold you in my arms, but so that everyone you here beside me. Not just so I could hold you in my arms, but so that everyone listening to this podcast

could know just how fast you got over Tia. How long did it take, Pete? A month? Two? An especially hard yank? Because the keto evangelizing, steak-slobbering asshole is as gone from your mind

as she is from everyone who's ever met her. Two years later, Pete, and I bet my left nut, the one that makes boys the only thing that ever happened to her is her eyebrows. I doubt that took two years to happen, Pete. I doubt that took two years to happen.

Roast Emma's ex for Joseph Heath, Andrew aka Deeb's. Okay, aka Deeb's. Okay. Andrew, Deeb's, whatever the fuck. Dude,

just be bald. Just be bald. You're bald. That giant mop of lower neck hair, not cool. Nobody's looking at your hairline that starts on, you know,

the area behind your ears and neck and saying, yeah, you know, that averages out. That and neck and saying, yeah, you know, that averages out. That's not bald, right? If you have both hearts, just like normal hair. But I got a neck beard mullet.

Nope, not how it works. You're bald. You're a bald man. Just accept it. You're bald. Okay, I'm going to take Brian Canto for Lauren. So this guy's such a coward.

He pieces out of his own relationship with his wife and his daughter without a word or his car keys or his pack of cigarettes. He just fucking jumps out the side of a window like he's robbing a house. Then after there are tons of, have you seen this guy stories for like a year? He shows back up when his wife wants to divorce a missing person. Here's the thing, Brian, you fucking coward. They did a shit ton of stories about you going missing, but I couldn't find a single one

about someone caring that they found you. Oh, wow. Yes, that's great. Okay, last five. I'll go first with a roasted Jameson for his mother, Carol. So two photos included here. Jameson is wearing a coconut bra and it looks like he's trying on

moob armor for a risque fantasy photo shoot there. And the other, he's kissing, I guess, an inner mural trophy. I'm not sure. Okay, I know this is a little too much information, Carol, but that's how he makes out with his fleshlight. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Kid, you look like the star of a Seth Rogen movie where the whole plot is the mystery of how he's dating a hot girl. That's the entire plot. It's like King of Queens.

Like you're the guy in King of Queens. You're the Duke of Queens. And Tom, ear up. Chris wants a roast of Paul and Michelle. Okay, Paul and Michelle are psychologists with Chris

at a correctional facility in Ontario, and they just sound fucking lazy. And don't get me wrong. I am all for laziness. I am a huge fucking fan of laziness. But if you want to be fucking lazy, there is a time and place. And the place for being lazy is not in that place where everyone is

literally counting on you and maybe people die if you don't help them. That's not your lazy place, assholes. Your lazy place is at home on your day off when you're wearing sweatpants with a big stain on the left leg and a t-shirt that's so old it's got more holes in it than actual coverage area, but they've also been washed so often they're softer than mulberry silk. That's your fucking lazy time. Lazy time is not when you're working at a fucking correctional facility as a goddamn psychologist. That seems like the time to get to fucking work, helping people, or

finding a new job. Jesus Christ, you two, you're Canadian. How fucking hard can you work in Canada anyway? Another wild card. This one is for Noah. Any topic or person person go for it all right uh how would i do people too lazy to come up with their own fucking roast topics it's not bad enough that i gotta find something to say about your boring ass generic looking relative but now i gotta come up with the motherfucker too

jesus i can't be trusted with this kind of autonomy. I fucking hate everything and you're a part of everything, you asshole. Fuck you. You're lazy cop-out bullshit. Apparently you're so bland that you don't even have anything interesting to hate so you fired a gun straight up in the air

and told the bullet to pick its own target. Jesus Christ. Noah, that is amazing but in irony's sense, you should have roasted Heath Pick its own target. Jesus Christ. I love you right now. That is amazing, but in irony's sense, you should have roasted Heath based on last week's. Oh, God. That was seriously fucking top shelf right there. That's amazing.

All right, last one is also a wild card, and it's for our favorite wild card, Heath. But Heath, I know it's a wild card, but I would love it if you roasted James Lindsay's 200,000 like celebratory I was going to do it. I was already going to do that.

Oh, yeah. So good. Fucking Jimmy Concepts over there making an axe kata post. Now, all right. I feel like Cecil's making fun of it, but I think we all did learn a valuable lesson from that

about what to do when you get attacked by an angry mob of invisible zombie ballerinas in slow motion underwater. And that's important. That's an important thing to learn. First, here's what you do. First, you call timeout so you can, you know, change into your Adidas warm-up pants

that match your Adidas samba shoes because, of course, you are an anti-feminist mathematician American white guy who plays a lot of indoor soccer. So if you're rocking those sambas, you need your Adidas warm-up pants to match. So, okay, now you call time in.

Well, no, you know what? Keep it a timeout. You're going to make a rule now about only attacking one at a time. That's the rule. And also, this is key, clockwise only. It's going to be clockwise.

This is America. There are rules. And once you get started with the fight, you want to make sure you do lots of light pushing with the wide top of your axe. What? That's your power move. You're going to generate the most power

from the wide top of an axe. So you want to do a lot of strikes like that. Well, not quite strikes, but light pushes, like I said. And most importantly, there will be a conceptual penis hovering around trying to fuck your face at the end for most of your life. So you'll need to pose it out with a very deep squat

or a plie as the zombie ballerinas do. A plie at the end. I also, I need to add one other detail that I learned about today. Somebody tweeted me a video of him doing another kata

with a comically oversized sword i'm talking about like like mitsurugi like you can't carry it level size like final final fantasy seven levels yes it is one of those it's fucking nice it's like cloud sword it's like that and not like exaggerate i'm not like oh it's as big as no it's that it's actually that big. It's like that. And not like exaggerating. I'm not like, oh, it's as big as... No, it's actually that big. And he's just slowly pushing it around and getting tired. Vomits at one point, I'm pretty sure.

When he comes back in. What a fucking clown. Thank you, Heath. It was everything I hoped it would be. Amazing. That was me kissing. I kissed you, Cecil. Guys, thank you all so much for your

patience. Everyone who sent in a roast, thank you all for your patience. We went through these as quickly as we could. And also, Scathing Guys, thanks for coming on. And Eli, you too. Thanks for having us. I was also here! So no email this week or patrons, Tom, because we recorded very early.

So we didn't get a... We have email, but we don't have a ton of email. We want to save the email for next week. We also didn't get our patron list. We normally read that on Thursdays. There's no live stream. There was no live stream this last week. Go watch the previous one though, because it was super funny with the guy was singing.

It was so much fun. So go check that out, but we will be doing a live stream again this upcoming week on Thursday night. So you can catch us anywhere that you normally watch the live stream, which would be YouTube, Twitch,

or Facebook. I think maybe Twitter. I'm not sure. I don't know. But if you go to Twitter, you can definitely get a link, but check us out 9 p.m. Central time.

I normally go on for about an hour, hang out with fans and just chat. And, and then we normally cover a about an hour, hang out with fans, and just chit-chat. And then we normally cover a story or two. We have a good time. It's a fun time. It's different than the regular show. Yeah, it's very different than the regular show. Sometimes we eat a candy bar.

It's weird, but it's fun. It's a fun vibe. But it's fun. Check it out. Go back, check us out on those places. Or you can watch the show after it. You can watch the live stream after it happens. So we also want to thank the Scathing Puzzle

and the Thunderstorm guys for coming on and for doing this big, long charity drive with us. You know, they invited us on to join them and it was really awesome the first time they asked us to do it. And they've been asking us to come on every time. It was their idea to start this whole thing, their idea for the entire roast stuff. And we've just been tagging along in their coattails and just having a blast. And we are so happy that they've included us time. It was their idea to start this whole thing, their idea for the entire roast stuff.

And we've just been tagging along on their coattails and just having a blast. And we are so happy that they've included us in this. They did a great job of organizing it and we helped organize it for the past couple of times. And we hope to be involved in the future because it's just such a great time. But we want to thank them for coming on our show. Every time we had to do some roasts, we did a ton of roasts with them this year, and we're so happy that they joined us each time. That is going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls,

Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this.

The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. you