Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 604: Honorary Welding Degree

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

Keep supporting Vulgarity 4 Charity http://citationpod.com/vulgarity-for-charity/   Show Notes  

Today's show is brought to you by PaintYourLife.com. Text the word cognitive to 64000. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political.

And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 604 of Cognitive Dissonance. I at least am fairly certain that that's true. Yeah, 604. 604. There we go. This is our first installment, Tom, of Vulgarity for Charity for this year.

We picked people while it was still going on. We will have a total at the end of the show, which was, this is a prerecorded vulgarity for charity segment. And I'm going to have Ian break in with the total, but we are, we are, we did very well.

We are, you guys, we are almost, we are, we broke, we broke 300 K today. How cool is this? With the match.

So we broke 300 K today with the match, but we suspect that we will do even better because there's still a couple of days to go. Yeah, even better than 2019. Thanks to the unbelievable. I mean, really the support for this is unbelievable. And when you stop and think about the amount of good that this does,

just the sheer amount of good that this does. It's so amazing. And it's the perfect time too. It's when families are desperately need it. You know, this is the time of year when heat starts getting shut off. Yeah, I know. I know. I mean, you know, like, like when your car doesn't start, man, this is like bad times city. As a kid, I remember there's a couple of times in my life I was without utilities, like electricity and heat. And those two are so difficult. And it's such a, it's such a, it's such an amazing thing

because you just don't realize how much you use each one of those things until you lose them. Oh, I can't even, I cannot imagine. I've never been in that. I remember when I was a kid, we lost our electricity for maybe, you know, maybe about four weeks or so. And I remember my dad at his Coleman lantern that we used in the room, you know, he had pumped it up. Those aren't bright as fuck, by the way. They are so bright. It's like the light of the, it's like the light of the Lord. It is seriously so bright. You can't hide it under a bushel. It's fucking UFO level bright. Yeah. It's insane. Those things are crazy. But I remember like as a kid, you know, like you're in a house and that's a dangerous thing. It's dangerous to be in a house with a

lantern. That's crazy dangerous. But you know, we just, you know, you just got to do what you got to do. But can you imagine, you know, all it would take is just one bill to get paid for somebody like that's insane. It's an amazing, it's an amazing thing that the listeners did. And here's the thing. Everybody gave what they can. And what I love is that, is that, you know, even the $5, $5 does something. $5 makes a difference. The thing is it aggregates guys. All of you guys aggregate together. And if you did give $5, $10, you know, when you didn't get up to that $50 level, that's okay. Still send that to vulgarityforcharityatgmail.com. up to that $50 level, that's okay. Still send that to vulgarityforcharityatgmail.com. And the reason why is you send that along and we'll be able to tally that total. That total then gets

added in. And so it's every dollar counts because every dollar that I can go back to Keith with and say, we raised X, his big whale donor is going to double that money. So, I mean, that's, and he told me, he said, when I sent Keith a message after we broke 100K, which was the initial match, he right away came back

and said the donor was so excited he wants to match everything you guys do this year. It's amazing. It's outstanding. It's outstanding. So, it's double your money all the way through.

So, just donate, donate, donate, and send it to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com. So, Cecmail.com. So Cecil, this is a rough time to be from Wisconsin. This is a rough fucking seven days to be from Wisconsin. Two things, two stories, I think, from Wisconsin that I want to talk about. That one. And they're very different, but I think that they both speak to important social issues. I want to talk about. That one. And they're very different, but I think that they both speak to important social issues. I want to talk about them.

The first, obviously, that everyone is following is the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict. Yeah, yeah. We talked about this before. We knew what was going to happen. I don't, I know that there has been

a lot of shock from this. And I was thinking about like, you know, unfortunately, I just, I don't want to poopoo anybody's dismay. And that's not my intention. I don't want to wag my finger and I told you so.

Because I don't feel that way at all. It's just, how fucking depressing is it that we live in a system, we live with a system where somebody can be so obviously morally culpable and still not be legally culpable? Did you see, Stephen Colbert had a great quote. I don't know if you saw it, but he said, he said, you know, Kyle Rittenhouse got off and that was, that was what the law says. And if that's what the law says, then maybe the laws need to change. Yeah. And thank you. And that's what I think is true. I mean, we talked about it before. You said, you said as much on our show that morally he's wrong.

Morally, he's in the wrong for this. You know, he went there specifically trying to start something. He went there with a gun specifically to do this. Like the idea that he's out there, you know, being a medic or whatever. I mean, come on. Get the fuck out of here. A medic with a fucking AR-15? He's out there trying to, he wants to have a confrontation. You don't bring a gun

if you don't want to have a confrontation to a place where guns normally aren't. Yeah. I think, I think definitively it's morally wrong. I think one of the problems, I think there's a couple of problems here. One, that the law has a tendency to decontextualize situations in order to view them in this sort of microcosmic kind of a way. It started one second before here. Right. It did not start anything, any... Right. Yeah.

And if that's what the law requires, then to your point, then you got to change the law. Like if the desire of the people is to have the law reflect our moral attitudes, then we have to change the law so that it can allow for context. But until the law is changed to allow for context, it doesn't typically allow for broader context to be taken into consideration. Also, there's the fucking issue of guns. Like 31 states allow open carry. 31 states. That's fucking insane. Illinois does not allow open carry. 31 states. That's fucking insane. Illinois does not allow open carry.

And Illinois has got problems. Don't get me wrong. We have gone shooting any number of times in Illinois. We've enjoyed, you and I enjoy shooting sports. We have forever. And I've never felt like my ability to engage in, you know, hunting as a recreational activity or shooting sports as a recreational activity has ever been even remotely quashed by these sort of draconian gun laws, right?

So we can have our cake and eat it too. Illinois is actually a pretty good example of being able to have your cake and eat it too. I can't bring a gun to a protest in Illinois because guns shouldn't be at fucking protests. There's so many places in Illinois. What the fuck? You walk up as a concealed carry guy.

I see them all the time now. I never really noticed them before I had my concealed carry, but you see the stickers all over. All over. All over the place. There's 24 exclusion zones in Illinois. You can't bring your gun. Right, because it's inappropriate to have a gun in those spaces.

I think about like you know part of the problem with wisconsin is we hamstrung the jury because in many circumstances reasonable people would say holy shit like if in almost any reasonable person's mind i think having a fucking ar-15 in my presence scares me. Is it provocative? I don't know, but it's fucking scary. And I don't know that I understand the legal difference between being scared and being provoked. And I don't want to pretend that I do.

I'm not a law talking guy. But I do want to say, we got to change the law so that you can't show up to these sort of emotionally charged political spaces armed to the fucking teeth. And ready for combat. Right. Literally ready for combat.

What the fuck? How is that protecting anybody? That's insane. And you know, like in the court case, one of the guys who had another gun was getting yelled at by the same guy and just blew him off and walked away. Right.

So there's a difference. You know, like you have a young kid who probably doesn't have the same mental capacity or understanding wisdom that a person a little older might have. And he gets into a situation where he shoots somebody and kills them, kills two people.

When I'm 18, 19, 20, man, my blood is up at the drop of a hat. My testosterone will never be higher than it is at that level. My brain isn't fully formed. My consequence and decision-making capabilities are not that strong. They're just not.

Why the fuck can those people have fucking guns? That seems insane. That just seems patently like we ought to fucking reconsider that. And I think part of the reason we don't is we want those people demographically to join our military. Yeah. No, it's 100% military.

It's military based for sure. Because if those people because once you reach the age of 22 or 23, you're not joining anymore. You're not going to do it anymore. They want you when your decision making and your consequence understanding is lower. When it's impaired. It's a fucking weird space that we're in, man. And I don't

know how we wrestle with having a society that allows for guns like this. I actually don't think this is a solvable problem. I think the solution to the problem is we can't have guns. We just cannot have guns with laws this loose and open. So the other event that happened in Wisconsin, and this was a horrible event. So some guy drove an SUV through a Christmas party. Yeah, through the Dancing Grannies.

Man, holy fuck. Yeah, dude, like he hit, I know, dancing grannies. He specifically hit

the people that he killed instantly were all like over 50. They were all like, I mean, he hit like a crowd of people that were like legit, just older folks. Yeah.

Six dead now. Yeah. You know, when you read that story and they announced, you know, the person of interest, but it's all on tape. So the guy who seems to be the one who drove his car, that guy a month before he did this

was arrested for running over the mother of his child with that same car. He's arrested for that. And he got a $1,000 bond and they let him out. Yeah, yeah. And I just, I read that and I cannot help but think, because you've seen it so many times, that violence against women is not taken seriously enough.

No, I think you're absolutely right, yeah. And violence against domestic partners, particularly. They don't get the same type of penalties. Yeah. And it's like, I just want to say like, that shit should be penalized much higher. If I'm willing to abuse somebody. I know, it's close to you. Right.

That has placed their trust in me. Yeah. I don't know. Like, I think we need to really consider whether or not we want to make violence against women a hate crime. When women are chosen and singled out to be victimized because of their status as women,

how is that different than singling out somebody who's being victimized for their status because of their race or their gender identity or their sexual identity. There's a reason they're picking him. Right. Yeah. You know, people don't accost me on the street.

I don't get it. I don't get it. You know. Yeah, I don't get attacked like that. Right. Yeah, it doesn't happen. I don't have to worry about walking through a dark alley. Right.

It's not a thing I have to worry about. And I also don't have to worry about my partner attacking me. Right. You know what I mean? Like, not as much as she has to worry about me attacking her. Right. Yeah. Man, did you see the video that came out like last week of that ex football player who beat his girlfriend? Yeah. He like, and I don't watch it. I actually kind of felt really gross about watching it, but I did watch it. And this man threw this woman around. Yeah. Like, like you could throw like a gallon jug of milk around.

Yeah. And you look at it, it's like, that guy doesn't attack dudes. No one's attacking him. Yeah. You know, there is a reason that women are singled out. And it's because like, they're fucking smaller. And, you know, but in general. Yeah.

Again, I'm speaking in general terms. Sure. But big general, bigly generally. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I don't understand why we don't reconsider that. Yeah. Again, I'm speaking in general terms, but big general, bigly generally, right? I don't understand why we don't reconsider that. And if we don't do it legally, I think this is one of those places where socially we need to make that just entirely unacceptable. Because that guy should have been in jail and not driving his car through the dancing graves. Absolutely, absolutely true.

And you're right, that should have been something that, and I think that they already, as soon as this happened, they started looking at the reasoning why and they started calling back like the people who moved for that sort of low bail and things like that. So they've already started investigating into it.

I wanted to talk for a second about the Ahmaud Arbery trial, the trial of the murder of Ahmaud Arbery. That came to a conclusion today as well. The three people who killed him are, they've been convicted of murder and multiple counts of murder. Did you hear the

fucking, their prosecutor at one point this last week, not the prosecutor, the defender this week, the defense attorney for the, one of the guys this week, made a statement. She said, we can't let them paint Ahmaud Arbery as the victim.

He was, you know, and you can't forget of all the stuff he was doing. Here he was in this area. And I'm paraphrasing, but the part I'm not gonna, I won't paraphrase is what she said. Without any socks to hide his long, dirty toenails,

she had said. What? And what? And the reason why somebody would say something like that is to elicit a racist reaction with a group of people that have a deep-seated racism against

black people in an area where that sort of thing might trigger a jury person to, but she said that out loud. I'm not even kidding. Like, I'm not even kidding. I listened to her say it. She straight up like dehumanized him. She straight up dehumanized the guy who was murdered by these three people. 100%. Holy fuck. If that case had not gone. I know. That's the most clear-cut shit ever.

Yeah, I know. That shit was so clear-cut, I couldn't. There's a video of it, for Christ's sakes. Did you watch the video? Yeah, I watched it. Holy shit. That dude's just trying to run away. Yeah.

I am very happy that we're at this position where that person, those people got convicted of murder because you can't watch that and not be sickened. For anyone to think that Vladimir Putin had anything to do with fixing the elections or even that the Russians have that kind of technology is, is stupid. So this story is fucking amazing. Yeah. This story is just amazing. And actually I have a little, I have a little update to this that will make it even better. This story comes from the independent, um, Trump mocked over a picture of him receiving honorary Taekwondo black belt. You guys, that's real. I didn't think it was real when I first saw it today. I thought someone had, I thought someone had Photoshopped the picture in

and made him like in a thing or whatever, just because they wanted to like trigger people. Because you can't tell what's real. I know, you have no idea. And there's no, the world has gotten so insane that you can't satirize it any longer. Yeah.

Now the truth is. And when you see that, you think, yeah, somebody, somebody Photoshopped that. The first, is- And when you see that, you think, yeah, somebody photoshopped that. My first thought when I saw it was somebody photoshopped it. What my favorite part about this is like, Taekwondo requires a level of athleticism to do kicks. Yes. Because the kicks are high and they have to like,

like doing a kick, just doing a kick is like, just try it as an adult. Right. Just try to kick something without any practice. Just try to kick something high, like say Just try to kick something without any practice. Just try to kick something high, like say as high as your shoulder, without any practice. There's literally no way I could do that.

You're going to fall flat on your face. I would tear my hamstring and die. Or you're going to break something or whatever. And you look at Trump, who has said before in the past that he doesn't exercise because he doesn't want to lose his vital essence or whatever.

He'll deplete his battery or whatever. His spawn meter is going to go down. But seriously, he won't do it. So you know he never once

ever did anything. This is an honorary degree. So he's, but now you know he's going to talk about it. I know. You know he's going to go. I know.

You know he's going to go. You're on the black belt in Taekwondo. I am on the black belt in Taekwondo. You know he's going to do that. You know he's going to go to one of his weird still rallies and he's going to have one of these moments

where he's going to tell the crowd how tough he is or whatever. He's Steven Seagal tough, man. It's like it's all made up. Yes. Since when did martial arts begin to bestowing honorary degrees on people? You get an honorary degree. I think the honorary degree is a little weird anyway. I get it.

But, I mean, you've got an honorary, this is a skill you don't have. That's like being an honorary carpenter. An honorary welder. Right. Just like, what? I'm an honorary fireman. Right.

Yes. How weird is it? How weird? Here is something you have to train for that is a very unique. I'm an honorary fireman right yes how weird is it how weird here is something you have to train for that is a very unique i'm an honorary architect what the fuck does that even mean what i'm an honorary crane driver or whatever yeah crane operator i'm an honorary heavy machinery operator what i got an honorary hard hat i've got an honorary cL. I drive across country. Could you imagine? The fuck is this? It's so funny.

It's because it's, it's such a pandering shitty thing for him to just, all he wants to do is just promote his, his brand. Yes. With a bunch of people who are, who have a proclivity for conflict. Yeah.

This is, what this is, is like a fucking bachelor's in sycophantism. Yeah. That's what it is. The guy understands his market. Yeah. This is, what this is, is like a fucking bachelor's in sycophantism. Yeah. That's what it is. Because the guy understands his market. Yeah. I will say this though. Even in this, if you scroll down, there are Taekwondo practitioners who are upset by this.

Good. They're saying, and I don't know if they're fans or not. And that's the thing that I'm wondering. If you're a fan of his, Trump's, and you're also a taekwondo practitioner who spent all the money and time and sweat and all the practice and hours of doing all this work, do you feel ripped off that he's like a ninth degree black belt and you're only like a second degree black belt

and you're, you know. Right. I mean, how do you feel about that sort of thing as a Trump supporter? I don't know how they would feel, but there's other people clearly, I don't know if they're, you know, follow him or not.

But I do think that this guy, he made a calculated decision to say, I want to promote Taekwondo in the United States and it's an easy way to do it. Yeah. Given, you know, a big doughy joker, a fake degree and a, and an ill-fitting geek. It looks so bad. He looks so bad guys. But I read a story today. Keep that picture up. I read a story today, Cecil, that

sharp. And I was going to put it in the notes, but I didn't have time. Some sharp eyed observers took that photo and they zoomed in and they zoomed they zoomed in on it and what he's got in that photo is a replica of mount rushmore with his own with his own fucking face on face on it yeah because there was a different photo where they were showing it down. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought like, how wonderful to have a fake diploma from fake skills you don't have in a gi that doesn't fit in a room full of a fake monument. Everything about this guy is bullshit.

It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. And everybody buys it. They do. And they don't see the... Cecil, I would think less of me if I had... You know what I

mean? I know. I would be like, fuck, I'm a petty small-minded piece of shit. I know, man. I am wretched garbage. If you gave me Mount Rushmore with my fucking head on it, and I loved it unironically, holy shit. I i mean you just

it's just at a certain point it feels depressing it does it feels it feels depressing it feels like it feels like you're watching an episode of hoarders or something where you feel like it's like sympathy cringe right it's just like voyeuristic and awkward and like this is a guy who i seriously i think pampers could make honorary diapers with his fucking picture right in the shitter part of the pants. Right in the poopy part. And he would be like thrilled about it

because he doesn't get it. No part of him gets it. Hey, did you just get back from Thanksgiving with your family and want to retain those memories with something physical hanging on your wall? Or maybe not and you just want a picture of your cat. Or maybe you want a hand-painted portrait of your favorite Grammy award-winning engineer hanging on your wall, or your downstairs bathroom, or your sex dungeon.

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Some would call his theories crazy. You're telling me that NASA is going to kill the President of the United States with an earthquake. It's not exactly the kind of thing a Secret Service agent can, like, just throw himself on top of. Now, one of his theories is true. Can you prove any of this? Absolutely not. Only he doesn't know which one. He must have hit a nerve with one of those theories is true. Can you prove any of this? Absolutely not. Only he doesn't know which one. Must have hit a nerve with one of those articles in there.

But his enemies do. This is just, I got to read big parts of this because it's so great. This is from Daily Beast. Mike Lindell blames a vast GOP conspiracy for his Supreme Court failure. for his Supreme Court failure. So Mike Lindell has been promising and promising that he's going to bring a case to the Supreme Court that he never brought. Just like all the other stuff he was gonna, gonna do

that he never fucking did. So let me read some chunks of this and we can react. Yeah, yeah. My pillow chief and 2020 dead ender, Mike Lindell. So great. Thank you, Daily Beast beast for your good uh non-editorialized writing so good has long promised that he would file an election fraud complaint with the supreme court on tuesday morning but now he claims to have missed that

goal because he was silenced by the republican national committee chairperson rona mcdaniel it was a last minute pressure campaign orchestrated by the r Rona feels like a bad name right around now. Rona? Genuinely feels like you might want to go for a nickname. Right. Like Ro for a little while. Oh, Ro. I don't know. Ro isn't good either.

No. No. That's under pressure right now. That'll get overturned. You'll have to get a new name. You actually can't have that name in Texas anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. I don't know. I don't know what to do. And McDaniel, that prevented his case from moving forward and saving the country, Lindell now alleges, and here's a quote from him. We believe that they have reached out to multiple attorneys general and put pressure on them not

to sign the Supreme Court complaint, Lindell said Monday on his evening live stream. With a poor Wi-Fi connection marring his live streamed rant. Why is he using ian yeah all right he's here this is guy what's going on ha ha ha ha incidentally use code ian at mypillow.com with 20 off your purchase put the mine into mine pillow lindell blasted mcdaniel alleging she orchestrated a vast republican conspiracy against him when she finally

acknowledged late last week she finally acknowledged late last week that President Joe Biden won the election. It's over a year. I know, man. Holy fuck. Oh, man. Here's another quote from this fucking ninny. How dare the RNC try

and stop this case from getting to the Supreme Court? Shame on you, RNC. You're worse than Fox now, he said. You can't tell me why Rona McDaniel, the head of the RNC, made a statement saying Biden won three days before this Supreme Court complaint was supposed to go to the Supreme Court. What about the timing of that, America? Why would she say that at that moment in time? She didn't have to say that. What, is she trying to get more donor money? Is she trying to get donor money from Democrats? She's as rhino as they come.

Okay. What this shows is the low, low, low bar that he knows the people who listen to him and pay attention to him, he knows the low bar that it takes to convince them. And he thinks that that's

ubiquitous. He thinks that whoever, like as a political person, all it takes to convince them. And he thinks that that's ubiquitous. He thinks that whoever, like as a political person, all it takes is for you to say one thing I agree with and I will automatically be... So he thinks that Democrats will send money to her because she said one thing that everybody knew last year. Right.

Nobody cares, lady. Dude, that's some sky is blue shit. Yeah. Whether or not you acknowledge That's some sky is blue shit. Yeah. I mean, it's like- Whether or not you acknowledge it. It doesn't matter. That motherfucker signs executive orders. And you could say it as loud as you want.

In fact, many Republicans said it when it happened, and it doesn't make me like them any better. No, I- I don't care. But the difference is, is that he knows that his side, all it takes is for them to say one thing, and they can sway an entire audience with one tiny thing. And I also think

the right right now is deep into these cult of personality. Yeah. You know, you're starting to see these weird kind of like superstars, and that's such a gross word to say about these people I'm going to mention next.

But like your Boberts and your Greens and your Gates and your like Cawthorns. Like these guys are riding high on this cult of personality. It has no substance to it. A perfect example of this is when the Rittenhouse case came out. Oh my God. There was people who were talking about having him as an intern, as Gates mentioned that.

One of the guys on Twitter, one of these representatives on Twitter said that we should nominate the day he became acquitted as a national holiday. Oh my God. You know, like, and Tom, they're doing it

because they think it triggers you. Yeah. That's why they're doing it. They're just doing it because they think it triggers you. Yeah. That's why they're doing it. They're just doing it because they're your annoying stepbrother. Right. They're just trying to fucking. They're not touching you. They're not.

They're putting their hand as close as they can to the line in the middle of the fucking backseat of the car. Yeah. They 100%. This is all the Republican Party is now, is how much can I make you upset? There was a thing today I saw and it was one of the, it was, I don't remember exactly where I saw it,

but Donald Trump Jr. wrote a big long thing. It was sending it out in one of their mass emails that essentially said, I can't believe how triggered they are about Let's Go Brandon. I can't believe how triggered they are about this Let's Go Brandon thing.

I've never met anyone on the left triggered by this. You can buy your Let's Go Brandon. I can't believe how triggered they are about this Let's Go Brandon thing. I've never met anyone on the left triggered by this. You can buy your Let's Go Brandon shirt for $45 right now. And they will sell them because they think that, and you will go to a place, and I know we're recording this on Thanksgiving, so you won't hear this until Monday, right?

But you will go to a place, listener, you will go to a place where you saw a Let's Go Brandon shirt this weekend where somebody thought it was going to make you mad. They were going to upset you. And what it really means is that they don't care about you. That's what it really means. That's true.

What it really means is they don't care about you and they want to make you mad and they want to fight with you. But genuinely, there was people at Thanksgiving Day this year that are going to sit in these Let's Go Brandon shirts because they want to antagonize people that they're supposed to be in the same clan with. Right, which is so crazy.

Isn't that, it's such a funny thing. Clan with a C, not clan with a K. Right. Well, it could work both ways. I'm not saying it doesn't. It could work both ways. I'm not saying it's not both, but I'm using the one with the C.

You know, like to your point before about the Rittenhouse piece, I saw a story this week where Matt Gaetz offered him an internship. Internship, yeah. And then Cawthorn offered to arm wrestle Matt Gaetz for an internship. And then I think it was Green or Boebert.

I can't remember which one. She actually said, I don't remember which one it was, but they said, well, you know, I mean, I looked at Cawthorn's arms, I don't remember which one it was, but they said, well, you know, I mean, I looked at Cawthorn's arms and I don't want to arm wrestle him,

but I'll sprint him for it because he's in a wheelchair. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, holy shit. You're the worst. All of you are the worst people consecutively. Oh man.

Cause they're all doubling down. But to them, it doesn't matter if they make fun of somebody who's disabled. So I wonder if they make fun of that guy to his face. I don't know. Because there's nobody on their side that would be like, that's despicable. Because nothing is sacred.

Because there's no pressure valve. Right. They don't have that. They don't have somebody who would say, hey man, that's shitty. Don't do that. It's a fucked up thing to do. Don't do that.

That's shitty. But instead, their side might mercilessly make fun their side might like mercilessly make fun they could probably mercilessly make fun of him probably I mean look at Trump made fun of a

disabled person and nobody cares that's true yeah that doesn't you're 100% right you're 100% right I mean look at how they treated

John McCain yeah absolutely you know I mean it's just there's no respect for difference hey man for some respect man that's a cash crop this no no i'm serious man

what i read somewhere man if you pee on a plant it'll do better because of some kind of uh vitamin in your pee, you know? No, I just ran it somewhere. Oh, yeah. You got a point there, man. Just let your hair grow and nobody will ever find out. Piss on it. I thought this story was excellent.

Excellent, Cecil. This is from The Cut. The unvaxxed lefties hiding in plain sight. They insist they're more sophisticated than your typical anti-vaxxer. Not that they're telling anyone. And so this story has a lot of anecdotes. It has a lot of anecdotes of people who are on the left, and they're far on the left.

They're Bernie supporters. One guy wrote Bernie Sanders in, in the last election. In a fucking election that was, you know, close on many levels. I know. Wrote in Bernie Sanders in, in the last election. Right. In a fucking election that was, you know, close on many levels. I know. Wrote in Bernie Sanders. Yeah, he threw his vote away. But, you know, these are people who are far left, so we can't claim that they're not on the left.

And they are people who say out loud, and I think this was a really important part of the article, so I wanted to talk to you about it. They say out loud that they respect science. Yeah. articles, why I wanted to talk to you about it. They say out loud that they respect science. And then they cast these entirely unscientific aspersions, which are nothing more than their personal fears and biases, onto the vaccine. And they are not getting vaccinated. And one guy even said that he wasn't getting vaccinated. He said something, and I'm going to paraphrase a little bit, but at this point, I've committed this long. and when I commit this long, I'm just in it.

I'm just in it now. Now I'm too stubborn to change my mind. That's what he said, essentially. I mean, he said it in different words, but he basically said the same thing. And you're right. They bring up a lot of anecdotes. Oh, I don't know that I'm going to get sick from it. It seems untested. And I want to just say, like, I looked it up today. Worldwide, 7.79 billion doses have been given out and 450 million doses in the United States. I looked that up today. There has not been a drove of vaccine injury. There has not been, you know,

entire hospital wings full of people with vaccine injury. There's been been, you know, entire hospital wings full of people with vaccine injury. There's been entire hospital wings of people with COVID, but there have not been entire hospital wings and states shutting down because people who got vaccinated

are now sick. And people who get, and they mentioned in this article, they say, if you're going to get sick from a vaccine, it's going to happen within the first couple months. If you're going to have some sort of adverse reaction, it's not happening 10 years down the road. It happens in the first couple of months and you have this adverse reaction, which is exceedingly rare.

So rare, in fact, we rarely hear about it because it's just such a, it's such a fucking, a lot of winning, you know? I mean, it's such a, it's one of those moments where you just think there's no, I mean, there's, it's, it's almost impossible for this to happen to a regular, like one person. It's got to be given to so many people and then you'll see one or two of these cases popping up. But this is the most selfish thing to just have a question, right? I don't care. I really don't care that people have questions. I want people to have questions.

I want you to think. I want you to look at it and say, do I want to do this or do I not want to do this? But it is your fucking responsibility to seek the answers out from the right source and figure out whether that's a right or wrong answer. It's not fucking looking on Facebook. It's not hearing it from your fucking aunt fucking Matilda who one time had a friend who did a thing that hurt a one-time thing. It's not that at all. It's your responsibility to seek these answers out.

And if you don't do it, that's on you, man. I don't want to hear about your fucking anecdote that you heard that once in a while, somebody gets sick from this or they got, I don't know. It's going to affect their reproductive something or another. Cause you saw a fucking video on YouTube. There's so many layers of protection on the regular person to get this vaccine. And there's so many people that are not being paid by the companies that are making these things that are researching this. You're just going to throw it all away for some rando on YouTube? I mean, that's your health. That's not just your health.

It's people you're trying to protect, people that can't get this. You're trying to protect those people. And you're just throwing all that away because you had one view on YouTube? I can't have more. I just cannot look at these people with more disgust. I can't either.

And, you know, one of the things they talk about in this article is a lot of them are quiet about it because they know that this is a deeply unpopular opinion or position to take. And they feel marginalized and outcast. I thought, fucking good. You know, and I was thinking of a few things. And I was thinking of a few things. The first is that conspiratorial thinking as a style of thinking is not something which is exclusive to the right. No. And that's part of why I wanted to grab this article. Sure.

But I was thinking, too, that conspiratorial thinking, one of the things that it means is that you do not have a method for coming to knowledge. is that you do not have a method for coming to knowledge. You come to knowledge intuitively, right? Yeah, it's intuition-based. So one of the ways that you can guard against this yourself, especially if you know, because I think some people know that they may be more prone to conspiratorial thinking or they may gravitate,

is have a tried and true tested method for how you arrive at big important answers. You have to have a method that you feel is true. And if it works for one question, it should work for other questions. And science offers, the beauty of science is it is a method yeah and that method works and on any question that you can point this method at right so but you as a person when it comes to like how do you evaluate knowledge and information you're not doing the science i'm not doing the science i can't even read these i can't even read these scientific papers. Right, right. Same, man. It's written. Scientific papers are written in a language I've not been trained to understand.

It might be English, but it's a language I'm not trained to understand. I can't read those papers and understand them. But what I do know is that there's plenty of doctors out there, many, many, many doctors. And we're talking about accredited real doctors here, not just fucking some guy

who calls himself a doctor on YouTube, real doctors out there that the massive consensus is, is that COVID vaccines work, COVID vaccines are safe, and all the rest of this stuff is all just noise. And there's plenty, there is, trust me, there's plenty of money and fame to be made by the people who point out that there is some sort of problem with the vaccine. If you were the guy, let's say there was an issue with any of these vaccines and you were the guy who found the big smoking gun and you would immediately have, to Cecil's point, you would be given, by the scientific community, by the way, you would be given massive accolade. Absolutely. Because the scientific community's primary desire is to aim itself toward truth and to orient itself toward knowledge.

It's not just scientists. Right. It's journalists too. Right. Journalists have the Pulitzer Prize you win, you know? A journalist that finds hundreds of thousands of people that have been vaccine injured, a million people that have been-

Secretly? Secretly millions of people that have been vaccine injured. That's a huge, that's a huge find. Yeah. I mean, look at like, we all know the names like Woodward and Bernstein, right? They broke open Watergate. Well, why do you know that? Because they broke open Watergate.

Yeah. That's why we know that. Yeah. There are so many incentives built into the system for us to bring these things to light. It's not the conspiracies never happen. They do. And we should acknowledge that.

And it's not that big pharma has not engaged in bad action. They have. And specifically, some of the players in the vaccine market have done some shady shit, too. I mean, in my lifetime, I remember, like, the Vioxx scandal. Sure. You know? And the opioid crisis.

And the opioid crisis from the Sacklers and Purdue Pharma. So I don't want to pretend that that stuff doesn't exist. But what are you going to do? You're going to, like, leave your life not taking medicine? Are you going to put all vaccines? And vaccines are weird, man, because people tend to put vaccines in a special fear category that they don't put palliatives or curatives or other things into. And I don't understand that. I go to the doctor.

And again, like my wife's been sick for a year now. And we've been given, I can't even tell you how many different prescriptions. And when we're offered that prescription, we have no idea what it is. You never heard of it before because you never needed it until like right now. Yeah. You know?

And the amount of distrust specifically placed just on vaccines by the general public is so outlandish by comparison to how much we trust just grabbing some cold medicine off the shelf. All the other stuff, yeah. Right?

You don't know dick all. Like, if you get fucking nasal spray, it tells you, oh, it's oxymetoclastic ointment. I don't know what that is. Yeah. I don't know what you don't either, probably. But we go and we buy fucking toothpaste

and we buy fucking nasal spray and we buy cough medicine. We fill a prescription. We don't either probably but we go and we buy fucking toothpaste and we buy fucking nasal spray we buy cough medicine we fill a prescription we don't think twice but a vaccine oh i gotta do my research that i'm ill-equipped to do yeah and and you know like throughout history there have been times like you said where medicine has has done a thing that has you know that had to be that that had to be revealed to the public. This is a perfect opportunity for something like that to happen. But there's so much, there's so many people. We're talking about 7.79 billion doses, man.

That's enormous. That's more people than are on the planet, right? Isn't it 7 billion? It's more people. Yeah, because you have to give more than one dose. Yeah, you got to give more than one dose. Right planet, right? Isn't it 7 billion? It's more people. Yeah, because you have to give more than one dose. Yeah, you got to give more than one dose. Right.

So many people have gotten it. You know, you would see something. You would see something happen. There was plenty of trials. This has been tried and true. And the people that are doing this at this point, you know, you're willfully ignorant. You are.

It's your job to figure this stuff out. And aren't you sticking your fucking thumb in the eye of all the people in poor countries who don't have access and are just dying? Yeah. Aren't you just fucking fiving the big fuck you? They could get it. They could get all of our doses

if you want to just go on living in the world with COVID. And you're, you know, you're benefiting off all those people that are in your state. You know, like if you live in Maine and there's 70% of the people are vaccinated, you're benefiting off all those people that are in your state. You know, like if you live in Maine and there's 70% of the people are vaccinated, you're benefiting off all their backs. You know, the reason why you didn't get COVID or you didn't get it so bad

is because there's probably like a lot of people around you that were vaccinated. A book? That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to your father. And today

I'm going to read it to you. So for this week for our Cogdiss book club, we read Demon Haunted World, chapter 17, The Marriage of Skepticism and Wonder. And Tom, gotta say, you know, I love this book and I gotta say, you know, I love this book and I gotta say like throughout my skeptical

life and especially on this show and things like that, I don't know that I followed Carl Sagan's advice. I think throughout a lot of times I have been a haughty skeptic. I've been a guy who's been, you know, this show was even created in such a way where it was like, we were going to make fun of people who, you know, I mean, that's literally what it was like, we were going to make fun of people who, you know, I mean, that's literally what it was made for. It was made as like a sort of juvenile, let's make fun of, you know, believers in a way.

And Carl's really against a lot of that. Carl's against, you know, even so much that, you know, he's on the fence signing his name to some things that he feels are almost like attacking people. Right. And so this whole chapter is really just a balance between how you approach people that are believers and how you try to convince them and how you conduct yourself as a skeptic. And his thoughts are, you need to have need to, you need to have more respect when you come into these conversations. I would very much be very interested to see how, how Carl sees the

world now. Does he see it as, as if, if you listen to my advice back then, it might've changed things or if he were to see it now and say, okay, maybe that doesn't work. Yeah. I, it's funny because, If he were to see it now and say, okay, maybe that doesn't work. Yeah. It's funny because the first part of what you just said didn't even occur to me. And as I was reading this, I was thinking, oh boy, buddy, you don't know how bad things are going to get, you know, because they've gotten just so, they've just gotten so bad. They've just gotten so like spectacularly exponentially awful. And there's a line, and I know And I, and, and there's a,

there's a line, and I know you're referring to it. There's a line in this chapter, refers to the contemptuous skeptic. And he says, you know, maybe if we treated people with more compassion, it would be more effective. And to the extent that if that's true, that's what we should do, then that's what we should do. We should be, we should treat our relationship and our activity with people, especially people that are in our lives. You know, I do think it's one thing for a show like this to preach to the choir. We're not reaching out. No. You know, we're not trying to. I'm not trying to debate anybody.

Right. I'm not trying to fight anybody. I'm not trying to go out and attack a regular person. Right. But when your uncle is at Thanksgiving dinner and they've got this bevy of bad ideas, I do think that a strident, vigorous debate is not going to do anyone any good.

I really don't think this. And we should approach our interactions around this with the same kind of level-headed pragmatism. What works? We should only do what works. Otherwise, aren't we just like indulging ourselves? Yeah. I mean, you know, you're right. And in some ways you got to look at it in a way that say, you know, while it may protect the feelings, if the feelings need to be hurt for someone to change their mind, then the feelings are the collateral damage I'm willing to take because this stuff is important. Right. But again, it's so hard to figure out how people change their mind because I suspect that there's, you there's a difference in whether or not you're someone who got a college degree or not.

I mean, there's just so many different stratifications in society and an intellectual level and an emotional level and all these different things. It doesn't feel like there's just one good way to do it. That there's just one way that you could say, science says this is the way you change your mind. Because it almost feels like it's one of these individual things that you've say science says this is the way you change your mind. Right. Because it almost feels like it's one of these individual things

that you've got to find with different people, which is why we're finding that, you know, like you can't just un, you can't just un-QAnon a bunch of people. Right. You got to have one person come in and do one-on-one conversation with each person, find out how to deconvert them

and then deconvert them. So yeah, I mean, it's tough because there's a part of me that's like, you know, I want to be like Ben Shapiro for a minute and be like, fuck your feelings for a moment and just be like, look, this is important. It's important that we believe true things. The election is a perfect example. Yeah, I know. It's a perfect example of what's important. We need to believe true things. The election was not stolen. There were no crazy ballot problems. There wasn't any of that. So we need to stop pretending like that's the case. And we need to stop feeding into a single narcissist's ego when it comes to that. And so, you know, there's a part of me that's like,

that's really important and people should pay attention to that. But, you know, how do you convince somebody of this? And I want to talk about something I came across this week and you might've seen this too, Tom. This is a story from CNN and it's a library that lets you borrow people instead of books. I did see that. I thought this was very cool. It said it may help bridge our bitter divisions. And this is essentially a place where they send people out to talk to, you know, talk to somebody who has a very different viewpoint. There's something in here where they're talking about a conservative Christian

talking to somebody who's transgender. And, you know, having a conversation. And at the end of that conversation, they hugged. And they wouldn't even shake hands when they first met. There's a picture of a woman in a, in a full hijab. I think that's how you pronounce it. I don't know.

It's like the full get up with the Muslim where they're just, the eyes are showing the woman's completely covered in everything. And she's talking to another person who clearly this I mean, you would imagine, has problems, some sort of problem talking or figuring out why that person does what they do. And it could be a feminist. It could also just be a conservative. It could be anything.

It could be anything. But this is an interesting thing, is that it all leads back to this one-on-one, this one-on-one reaching out that needs to happen. And I think what Carl was talking about in here is the mass communications. He's talking about different publications, talking about PSYCOP, Skeptical Inquirer,

which is what they produce. And he's talking about the mass communications that get sent out might turn some people off. It might be the thing that makes people say, I'm not going to listen to that stuff. One of the things he says that I thought was interesting is he refers to some of the organizations or beliefs that PSYCOP focuses on. And they get real aggressively upset. They feel like PSYCOP is acting like cops. That they are belittling and they are,

you know, and I thought, you know, this is what happens because it's not true, right? This is what happens though, when truth is used to expose untruths, right? There is a reactionary period. That's because they're emotionally invested in the answer. Exactly. And I was thinking while you were talking into this library book of people kind of a thing, this library of people, is this works really well, I think, for people who are genuinely intellectually curious.

And I think this works really well for people who are empathetically curious. Sure. And I don't know how you find or reach ground with those people that aren't, because not everybody is. Some people just are not by nature terribly intellectually curious. And there's some people who are not by nature terribly empathetically curious. And I do wonder, what's the middle ground for them? How do you reach them? Because I think it's all about, to that point, building a

bridge, but it's like, holy fuck, I don't even know what island you're on. This is a great chapter, though. Again, this book is crushing it. This book is so good, and it really is. This last half of this book has just been turning the corner here. The next chapter is

chapter 18, and that's the wind makes dust. Now, next week we're going to skip because Tom and I are, uh, we're not going to be recording on time. We're actually going to be recording ahead of schedule. So we are going to be, uh,

we're going to skip one week, but we'll be back the following week with a chapter 18. Go buy this book, demon haunted world by Carl Sagan. It's really a wonderful book. It's that time again, Vulgarity for Charity, where we're joined by the hardest working and funniest guys in podcasting,

the yin to our yang, Heath and Noah. Oh, and special thanks to Joe Rogan for setting that hardest working bar so low, right? Right? He can blow himself. I said that. He didn't do it, but he can.

You spent enough time with your head up your ass. You're gonna get there. And the yick to our yak, Eli Bosnick. Okay. I will have you know I was reading from a little something known as the Akashic Records season. Be reasonable, okay?

And we are pleased to announce that we finished up the fundraiser at a whopping $176,802.46. And we are pleased to announce that we finished up the fundraiser at a whopping... $176,802.46. And we truly couldn't have done it without every single one of your donations. All right, before we jump in, we need to thank our favorite kind of donor, the folks that just gave us money without asking for a roast.

You are the not-so-silent heroes of Vulgarity for Charity, the paid time off, if you will. And for that, we thank you by name. Hell yeah, we do. Big thanks to Austin, Taylor, Eric, Derek, and Christy for the money. And a bigger, even girthier thanks to Joseph, Rick, Robin, Michael, Sean, Betty, Melissa, and Kevin. Not to mention Margaret, Crystal, Matt, Eleanor, Sawyer, and Mindy, Ricardo, and Soma. And yes to mention Rob, Justin, Janine, James, Laura, Anders, and Josh. That doesn't even make any sense. You don't make any sense.

And last but certainly not least, Nick and some asshole from Boston who wants a live show in Boston. Go to New York. We do New York shows right there. It's like two hours away. I'm going to Boston. I'd go to Boston. Boston's pretty great. Drink do New York shows right there. It's like two hours away. I'm going to Boston. I'm going to Boston. Boston's pretty great. Drink clean water for once.

It's good for you. And Linda, of course, with $1,000 because she's just that awesome. Wow. I love you, Linda. That's great. Let's get cracking.

Noah, this first one's for you. Steven would like a roast of your fellow author, Kevin D. Young. Oh, how dare you use that fucking word. for you, Stephen would like a roast of your fellow author, Kevin DeYoung. Oh, how dare you use that fucking word. Here's what a good author he is, and his blog is called DeYoung Restless and Reformed.

So he couldn't even manage the fucking Eli level pun without shitting all over it. Also, the two's eyes are so close together that the lenses of his glasses overlap. Okay? I know he's a homophobe piece of shit

that's dedicated his life to telling gay people that God's going to burn him in hell forever, so it's not like he didn't give me a ton to work with, but it looks like his whole face is sucking in, and it's hard not to at least acknowledge that. He looks like he's going to tell you if you were a victim of a Gushers commercial in the 90s, you may be entitled to compensation.

Okay, Heath, this next one's for you. Gerald would like a roast of his vaccine-hesitant sister-in-law. Fuck your face. You're an anti-vaxxer. That's the same. I'm anti-murder and murder-hes that's the same i'm anti-murder and murder hesitant but yeah i'm anti-murder stupid okay so i'm gonna go on a little tangent here you know when donald trump he'd spout out like racist dog whistle stuff all the time and

even if he never very specifically said okay go commit a hate crime right now we know that some percentage of his terrible base would be inspired to do that. That is called stochastic terrorism. Heidi, you're a terrorist. You're a stochastic biological warfare terrorist like that. You and every other person who did the same thing and your body count is going to keep piling up. We had a chance at reaching herd immunity

and stopping COVID from being a thing forever that keeps killing people. You helped prevent that. And now, you finally got the vaccine because you're a goddamn nurse practitioner who couldn't make any money otherwise, so you got it. And that's the most

embarrassing part. You caved on your principles. You have no conviction. You're a waffler. Also, the murder. That's our least favorite part. You caved on your principles. You have no conviction. You're a waffler. Also the murder. That's our least favorite part. Eli, you're up. Nick would like you to roast he and his ex-girlfriend, now best friend,

Alex. You dated and now you're best friend. Yeah. No, a ton of people do that. It works out great. Liars! Liars! At best, at best, you're both not over it.

At worst, one of you is not over it. And whichever one that is, waits until the other one is too focused on the movie so that you could stare at the side of their head while the Johnny Starko music plays in the background of your mind. Good lord. Also, y'all some weird-looking motherfuckers. Alex looks like a literal baby

inappropriately cosplaying as Elvira, and Nick looks like the fifth Beatle. Sorry, I misspoke. You look like your one-fifth Beatle. We'll see you in Australia. All right, Cecil, I got one here for you. Tom would like you to roast his brain. Tom says his brain keeps

rebooting, but it doesn't reboot when he's lying down or sitting, but when he's doing action stuff like driving and such. Nice cast, Tom. They look great. A bit of advice. You got to update the software because this keeps rearranging your hardware. nice cast Tom they look great a bit of advice you gotta update the software

because this keeps rearranging your hardware you know what I mean have you considered just always wearing a lot of padding prophylactically I would say

update your OS and throw out Windows Vista but if you did that your brain might just throw your body out of windowed Vista and that might not be great

and Tom yeah wrestling super fan that you are If you did that, your brain might just throw your body out a windowed vista. And that might not be great. And Tom. Yeah. Wrestling super fan that you are. This one seems perfect for you. Is Tom actually or the opposite? James. He is a huge super fan.

Yeah. Tom loves wrestling. James. He'd like you to roast Vince McMahon. Yeah. I am not at all a wrestling fan. I had to look up Vince McMahon. It's lying. It's lying.

I am not at all a wrestling fan. I had to look up Vince McMahon. It turns out he is like the 75 year old owner of the world wrestling entertainment. And the WWE has about a billion dollars a year in revenue. And Vince himself is worth $2.1 billion. Jesus. But Vince, none of that money and none of those steroids

are going to make a lick of fucking difference, fucko. You're still a giant hunk of meat with a muscly water pump keeping the whole thing running and someday, Vince, someday it's all going to shit. And when it does and the world looks back at you and what you with all of your money and your power

created, we're going to see exactly fucking nothing. Because you create something that isn't art and isn't a product and isn't even interesting. And to do it, you abuse the ever-loving shit of the dumb kids who sign up to abuse and destroy their bodies so that you can get richer and richer.

But Vince, it is all for nothing. Nothing. Because when you finally shuffle off this mortal coil, you will be remembered vaguely and then not at all. Because when it is over, what you leave behind is a product that started off garish and ugly and which you somehow managed

to make worse. Yeah. You're like a pile of vomit covered in Christmas lights on the top of a garbage can full of rotting chicken, Vince. It was already worthless, and still you managed to make it worse. It was a free roast for the NFL,

for all the people asking. Yeah, exactly. All right, another one here for you, Noah. Brian would like you to roast your cat, Loki. Okay. All right, so Loki, 15 years we've been together, dude. You know what's never hurt you? The goddamn UPS guy.

You know what else has never hurt you? Aluminum fucking foil. You know what else has never hurt you? Every other goddamn thing in the house, you jumpy fuck. You've hurt your own self-tearing ass down the hallway at a sprint trying to

get away from whatever the fuck you think a UPS guy's going to do. Get out of the mess. Also, Loki cats are supposed to clean themselves. Have you noticed the other cats doing that shit, you lumpy, furred, dreadlocked, sporting motherfucker? Noah, I blame you for smoking so much pot around him. What did you expect? Okay, Eli, how about a roast for Dwayne the Rock Johnson?

Oh, hey, Dwayne, buddy, I know you're busy making your body closely resemble a Stretch Armstrong doll filled with those giant jawbreakers, but step into my office just for a second. Look, I don't know what Vin Diesel makes you do on the set of the Fast and the Furious movies that you don't want to do the last one. But literally, whatever it is he makes you do, you're overpaid, bud.

He has the same number of IQ points as he has arms, Dwayne. he dedicated the last three movies of his trillion dollar franchise to how alive his best friend still is that would be like if the last three avengers movies were all about how great stan lee felt today throw the guy a bone and get paid a hundred billion quadrillion dollars to do it you do not in fact have anything better to do. Also, side note, when you run for president, please do so as a Democrat so that Noah is forced to vote for you. This is naked. Happy.

And Heath, Vince would like you to roast him. Yeah, okay, well, I'd love to roast Vince, but he's very clearly a supervillain and he'll murder me very easily. He's literally holding a snifter and a cigar at the same time in the picture. And somehow you can tell he's doing the evil swishy thing in the photo. He looks like the mustache and glasses thing, except it's an evil goatee. And it's like tactical sunglasses that are also a butterfly knife somehow. I've never been more

certain that someone is right now shutting down a teen center to build like a hedge maze for hunting orphans or whatever. Bitcoin mining server farm. This guy uses the phrase OPSEC in every single conversation. I guarantee it. Stop saying OPSEC.

It's off-putting. I don't know if we're allowed to argue with a roast, but no. No. Vince looks like he's trying to find a fun way to put a spin on, you were conceived in this very bar bathroom. Actually, Heath, now that I think about it, that kind of is the

supervillain of an Irish guy from upstate New York. Withdrawn. Alright, Cecil. Got another one for you here. How about the supervillain of an Irish guy from upstate New York. Withdrawn. Withdrawn. I thought so. All right, Cecil. Got another one for you here. How about a little of your sass for Sarah's boss, Sonia? Sarah, your boss in this photo looks like she's standing on the Looney Tunes stage, very sternfully addressing the crowd.

She just got done telling the improv group, that's enough. Settle down. Settle down. She looks like a Facebook emoji of your terrible aunt came to life to tell you in person how disappointing your generation is. She's like, if a hair stuck in the back of your throat was a person. Okay, but that generation is disappointing.

And Tom, how about a good old roasting for Nicholas's Aunt Letty? You know, Aunt Letty got everyone sick with COVID and in the family. And that's bad because fuck you if you haven't figured this out by now. Get a vaccine and stay home if you're sick. Seriously, you stupid motherfuckers, you cannot pretend this is complicated anymore. It's not. Nothing about this is difficult anymore. So if you get COVID and spread that shit around, then I hope your shitty body never clears

the virus. I hope it stays with you and lingers and piece by piece ruins every moment of joy you might have. I hope you are exhausted all the time. I hope every meal tastes like sand and burnt motor oil. I hope when you try to make a grocery list

you space out until you break down and cry because you can't do anything anymore and then you cry because you can't remember why you were fucking crying. This is your fault and you deserve this. And I hope that as the days and weeks and hours of your life slip by and no matter how hard

you search, you cannot find joy. I hope you remember that you refused to help your own fucking ailing father. In fact, I hope that's all you remember. I hope it plays over and over again in your fucking rotting mind, like an earworm of your own personal failures. And still, no matter how much you reach out, I hope nobody lifts a fucking finger to help you. Good Lord. Play that for me. Do it, Nicholas.

Get a little Bluetooth speaker. Put it under a bed. Set it on real low. Get it auto-tuned. Whatever you want to do. We should just auto-tune. My wife will make a baller techno remix out of that. Ian, note, auto-tune that preview. Auto-tune. My wife will make a baller techno remix out of that. Ian, note, auto-tune that preview. Auto-tune would be amazing.

All right, Cecil, I have a bit of a challenge here for you. Alex would like you to roast any function of the human body you choose to. Okay, well, I'm going to actually roast nose hair. I'm sure it has some grand evolutionary purpose, but when you have a dried booger hanging from a tuft of snout mane, why does it feel like you're Arnold Schwarzenegger ripping a blinking tracking device out of his cranium? And then, like, occasionally,

you'll get one loose in there, and you'll sneeze for 30 minutes straight. The fucking thing was in there already. I didn't add it. I'm not snorting lines or random fucking external nose hair. It moved and now my body convulses until it's

dislodged. Get fucked nose hair. Cecil called me the other day and we had the same conversation. I also have a lot of hair. And Noah. Alright, one for you here. Christine would like you to roast Mark Zuckerberg.

Oh, the escaped Hall of Presidents attraction that tackled racism by protecting white people from harassment on his platform. And he demonstrated his philanthropy by giving one percent of one percent of his fortune to already rich charter schools in the state with the best funded public

education that guy whatever would i find to make fun of how about this hey mark hundred billion or no you still look like the anthropomorphized concept of a wedgie okay eli how about a roast for the promotional video of the chesterton academy of the saint croix valley oh god it's like a church production of children of the corn children of the corn starch although i mean look that was not for nothing but this about like, we're not going to give in to society with its gay people existing. It has 24 views. And I'm not saying everyone watching this

should YouTube Chesterton Academy of the St. Croix Valley and comment, we know what you did, Paul Loomis, so that that guy goes full catch a predator. But you shouldn't not. Okay, it's either St. Croix or St. Croix. You can't just do half and half. that guy goes full catch a predator, but you shouldn't not. Okay. It's either Sanqua or St. Croy. You can't just do half and half.

Sanqua. Sanqua. And Heath. How about a roast? Sanqua is coming to town. How about a roast for the Duluth atheist from the Duluth atheist? Serial killer. He's a serial killer.

I'm calling it right now. And honestly, it's going to be awkward, but also kind of funny when I'm writing about this. This is a serial killer who's trying way too hard to look like a friendly nerd. Just like super obvious. The photo we got has him holding a newborn baby, but it's very clearly not his newborn baby. newborn baby, but it's very clearly not his newborn baby. It's a still shot from a ransom video where the killer is

being like creepily nice to your kidnapped baby. You're going to trade yourself for your baby, and then he's going to kill you while listening to Styx and making his favorite casserole. I'm certain about every detail of everything I just said.

You paid for that. And Tom, I got another challenge for you. Emmy would like a roast of the architect registration exam, aka the ARE or the R, I don't know. So here's the deal, guys, with the architect registration exam. It is designed to be stupidly hard. Like 50% failure rate takes years to pass thely hard. Like 50% failure rate takes years to pass the thing hard. Like it's either not a proper exam

or you didn't get a proper education. There is no third option where this makes any fucking sense. How in the fuck can the exam take as long or longer than the education it took to get to the goddamn test? How does that make any sense at all?

Design a test that's hard. That's fine. I get it. These guys are going to be building condos in Miami. That's not something just anyone should do. Oh, Jesus fuck. But holy fuck, what the hell is wrong with you

that your exam is built to crush dreams like a condo in Miami? Jesus Christ. Maybe. And hear me out here. Let's have an exam that actually matches people's fucking educations so that if you do the work and take your education seriously, you'll emerge from that education able to do the work

that the education was designed to prepare you for. Fuck this. The test is so hard. Nothing in my education could have prepared me for it. Nonsense. Your education is exactly what should have prepared you for this test. These aren't exams. These are dick flex punishments meted out by insecure assholes who have nothing better to do than to gatekeep their field to protect their personal fucking egos.

And the first thing that I would design after finishing this exam is a monument to their fucking failure. Well done. Well, that buzzer means it's time for... Good buzzering, Ian. Excellent. What are you doing? What are you doing?

What? I was just... I'm just complimenting Ian's buzzering. The man knows how to buzzer. Good buzzer. Because you talked a bunch of shit about him

having a Grammy on our show, but now he can hear you, so that's what you're doing. What? I would never say that. I hear the voice. It's a joke. Please introduce me to Beyonce. Don't do that. Absolutely do not do that. I regret what you're doing. I would never say that. It's a joke. Please introduce me to Beyonce.

Don't do that. Absolutely do not do that. I regret introducing you to Tom. Me too. Anyway, that's the buzzer. And that means it's a spightening round. And with Xmas around the corner, the category is X's. And your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to tell me

what the following roasties asked Santa for Christmas. Let's start with Wendy's ex-boyfriend, Ryan. I don't know. Maybe you wish for the rest of that beard given the photo. Or based on what Wendy's email said, maybe he wished the next year

that he could be the one whose lap all the little kids came to sit on. How about Kaylee's ex-husband, Brandon? I think he wished for a time machine you done fucked up, didn't you, sons of thunder? I just gotta say, I know, this is my

favorite kind of roast. These tiny men who told our female listeners they'd be nothing without them. And then the minute they hoved their bulk onto another unfortunate soul, they just fucking took flight. She got a fucking spite master degree. I'm a white man who had everyone in his life rooting for him

and I barely made it to a BFA. Also, he looks like the Sturgis motorcycle rally's proctologist. But it's there. Jason's ex-friend, an abusive drunk gamer, Peyton. Okay, pretty sure Peyton asked Santa for a SWAT team to show up at the house of a rival gamer, but

that rival turned out to be Peyton himself because he's fucking drunk and didn't know what he was doing. He also asked for face of not mass shooter, probably, and regular human neck. Tom, why don't you tell us what Josh's ex-wife is hoping to get from Santa? Josh's ex-wife is clearly hoping to get more of your time and attention, Josh. What she wants is to open a great big gift wrapped of all the good stuff that you can give her, your time

and affection and your empathy, and not give you shit in return. But Josh, that's not how this works. She's your ex because that's not how any of this is supposed to work. Look, a one-sided relationship is fine when someone is down, but at some point, the ship has to get righted. Some reciprocation come into play. But Josh, she's your ex, man. You don't have a relationship. You have a kid, but not a relationship. And your ex is trying to keep all the good parts of you without having to do any of the work she'd have to do to actually keep you. And if you keep doing that, Josh, that makes you the sucker. So for Christmas, wrap up a big pile of not returning your calls and texts and give that shit to her every fucking day for the rest of her life with a bow on it.

Okay. Well, I will close this off with Seth's ex, Amanda. She cheated on you with a polyamorous thruple at Dragon Con? Did they think she was a boss fight? I guess she should ask for some more henchmen so people don't think it's as easy in the future. That's the buzzer. Let's wrap things up with some

full team roasting for our top donors, starting with Katie's wife's parents. Yeah, so mom goes to pride parades while dad volunteers for the Boy Scouts as though they have to remain dead even in support of the LGBTQ community. By the way, lest I

make mom sound like the good one here, I should point out that she probably apologizes to Jesus every time she hugs a gay. So I'll take dad real quick. Dad looks like melanoma retired and got complacent so like not melanoma in its prime if that's what you were picturing like melanoma really let itself go and like you know showers like once a month because you know fuck it

okay i'll go for both then uh they look in this photo like they're actively having it explained to them that no, they did not make the final cut of the Cialis commercial. And honestly, guys, it was all the rimming. Okay, I get that it's a boner drug. You were not, quote, helping sell it. That's why you didn't make the cut. Holy shit, I get it, man.

If there's anything worse than when someone is cruel to someone you love, it's when they aren't even good at it. For real, they called you a meanie head. A fucking meanie head. And I thought, holy shit, aren't these supposed to be adults? And that's, I guess that's where I got stuck. Because I used to think that when we grew up,

we grew out of the pettiness and the small-minded schoolyard mentality. But I don't think that anymore. I don't think that precisely because of people like Katie's parents, who are grown to be sure, but not grown up. And at this point, you just have to know that that ship has sailed, and they were not on it. But you were, and Katie was. And what you are feeling is the terrible anguish of loss, because every day that passes, you grow both bigger and better and mature into the deepest parts of yourselves, while Katie's parents are tragically, permanently stuck. You've left them behind even though they are right there and there is nothing to do but to mourn and move on. The picture you sent them has them posed in a comically

oversized chair. I get that's supposed to be funny, but honestly, that picture is the truest image imaginable. They are sullen, spoiled, bratty children in soft, shitty, aging bodies that will eventually betray them and collapse. Get your goodbyes in early and move on. Holy shit. Tom, I got to say it. You are a meanie.

Absolutely. God damn it. Hold on. Her mom goes to gay pride parades with a gay kid's mom free hug shirt and won't hug her own kid. She's like a politician that only goes to community service

when a photojournalist is around. Lady, hugs are free no matter who you give them to. You know what else is free though, Katie's wife? Never talking to your parents again. That's 100% free. Stormy Decisis would like us

to take a crack at the police of Rochester, New York. Ooh, that was for Stormy, not for the police. Oh, okay. I want to go first because I grew up

with these guys. Well, okay, not these guys. I was 40 minutes closer to New York, so our cops fucked their sister's missionary, but I know their type.

These guys sat in the back of every gen ed class I was ever forced to take by no child left behind it just proved every single day that some children need to be left behind honestly if we had just loaded these guys

into a bus and that bus into a trash compactor on the final day of high school the species would be so much imagine this you decide to be a cop and then the best city you can think to defend is rochester yeah i mean wouldn't the world just be better if we agreed to just like let Rochester go. How far has your life fallen if you want to be a jackbooted thug in Rochester? Jesus fucking Christ. Look at yourself in the mirror and weep. Yeah. And if you're talking about Rochester police union president, Michael Mazeo,

he should weep because he looks like a bruised peach that never gets chosen and sits for decades in the same produce aisle. Also, he should weep because his entire bigot squad of narcotics officers from the early 90s were indicted on 19 federal counts of police brutality, conspiracy, embezzlement, and corruption. That really happened in 1991. They're like the Rodney King cops, but without all the fame and accolades within the department. You're not even good at being a bigot. You're bad at everything. You're the worst. Yeah.

Let's not forget. This is the police force that prides itself on its ability to subdue nine year olds, provided they have chemical weapons, handcuffs and backup. Right. But if I recall correctly, their statement on pepper spraying a nine-year-old girl

was, oh, come on, last year we suffocated a black guy in our custody with a hood. This is a huge improvement for us. Jesus Christ. I'm putting a star on the chart. I'm putting a star on the chart. And I get to pick any sister out of the box. Okay, Heath, this next

one for you. Sam donated a whopping $2,000 for you to take on our Wall Street bets. That's the Reddit Wall Street bets. Ah, yes, the GameStop douchebags. Yeah, the super talented investors who bet big on the economic viability of the brick-and-mortar chain of digital video game retailers and AMC theaters also. Now, a few of them made money.

Yes. So did a few portfolio managers of tulips in the 1630s. The rest of them lost. Just for the record, the tagline for their subreddit is, like, 4chan found a Bloomberg terminal. That's like the computer version of like Hitler found a space laser. But not the like responsible Hitler of his later career.

Like 12-year-old Hitler without medication found a fucking space laser. Wall Street Bets is like if someone read one article on Investopedia and pretended they were experts. If ruining my vacation by making Heath spend an evening

explaining to you that horse paste isn't the cure for COVID were a subreddit, it would be Wall Street bets. These assholes are literally the Ds that the F-I-C's against. Does it still count as a Ponzi scheme if they volunteer? I feel like it does

or at least it should but I don't know and speaking of man children Eli aww you think of me as a man Carl gave us a thousand bucks for you to roast Patrick Rothfuss

and his very special boy Kivoff Kvoth name of the wins Eli actually recommended these books to me I don't know any of this. Hey, still no third book, huh, Pat? Still?

We did like a seven year vulgarity for charity, buddy. If it was up to your Mary Sue-ass protagonist, he'd have written 18 more books and won the bookiest book award by now and fucked one of the books, the sexiest book. You're running out of relevance,

Pat. Write something. Anything. Or you really will be the guy we all know you are deep down. The person at the poetry reading who has more of a statement than a question? Alright, this next one requires all of us. Michelle and Karen Tostin 1,100 big ones for a

roast of their pets. Okay, I'll take Mia. Mia looks like she always goes for the wrong type of first responder. If Timmy was in a fire, she'd go get a street sweeper. If Timmy was in a well, she'd go get a municipal CPA. If Timmy was black,

she'd get a cop. I'm saying Mia looks stupid and racist. Yes, that's accurate. Alright, I'm going to go with the dog, Kazzy, who has resting bitch face. By which I mean, she's always about to say, okay, good news

and bad news. Good news, I did not shit and vomit into the heating unit. Onto the fan part of the heating unit. Doo the fan part of the heating unit. Do you want the bad news? All right, I'll take care of the cat here.

She looks like she's in the middle of blacking up for the world's least enthusiastic minstrel show. It's a mestrel show. Zarina looks like in a tragic turn of events, she somehow understood her name is Zarina,

and she's been trying to get a toaster up to the edge of the bathtub ever since. This cat looks like Eli Field. It really does. It really does. I'm going to take the meanest looking one. Elmora looks like a Khajiit that is going to sell you like a quiver of cursed arrows

without any word of warning. Not, I got these when I traded an old jewel to a shadowy Norn who said, beware the spilling of innocent blood.

And then he burst into a thousand bats and flew away. Nope, not Almora. Just, you need a receipt? Nope,

have a good day. Take care. Happy Thanksgiving. And last, but certainly not least, Liam tossed in $2,417 for each of us

to roast someone or something regarding climate change. I mean, I would roast the planet, but climate change is already doing that. Really amazing job,

though, Earth. Evolving a species smart enough to slowly suffocate large swaths of life on Earth, but not smart enough to believe independently verified data on climate change. Smart enough to use climate trends to prove that we're slowly changing the planet, but dumb enough to think a cold day means global warming is bullshit. Great.

All right, I'll go next. So fuck climate change for ruining every political discussion about anything else it's like you're in the middle of the thing you're like all right well we should really you know find a way to have universal health care all the hospitals are on fire they're all on fire now and now they're all underwater every hospital is now underwater great you're a story topper climate change change, and nobody likes that. Also, Greta Thunberg scares the fuck out of me. She's really fucking, like, I agree with

all her stuff, but she's terrifying. Again, amazing person. Person of the year. Very deservedly. But I feel like she's going to sneak up behind me all the time. I think about this constantly. Oh, no. She's a come running from the front. No, but, like, I feel dropping in from the ceiling on a rope.

She's a ninja, too. So, yeah, pretty fucked up that of all the racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic shit that permeated the cartoons of the 90s, the part of them you'd be least likely to see in children's programming today is the unambiguous, unreserved agreement that Earth is a good thing worth saving. These fucking assholes freaked out when Big Bird got vaccinated. Can you imagine how much

of their shit they would lose if Captain Planet debuted tomorrow? Oh, God. Yes. Okay. Okay. I am going to take politicians. You know, pretty much all but three of them for the last 50 fucking years i mean jesus if this was a realistic remake of armageddon you assholes would be holding a pro-meteor rally and rolling gravity in your hummer

and you know why because you think you're not going to get it, but it is going to get you. That tornado is going to hit your summer home. That plague is going to throw your unvaccinated ass in the hospital. And if you don't do something soon, politicians, that mob outside your bunker is going to burn you for fuel in the land of the rat men and take over. I just want to circle back to the psychological significance of Eli saying Hummer SVU.

Special victims? What did I say about circling back to the psychological significance of this accent? I was very clear at the all-board meeting. Do you know what I hate about climate change? I bet you don't. Because it's not the rising tide

to the wild weather. It's not the fact that just keeps showing us again and again what a stupid, selfish, short-sighted species we are. It's not the hellish wildfires wiping out homes or the encroachment into natural spaces that dwindles the diversity of the planet. And it's not the acidification of the oceans reducing our wildest spaces to bleached coral and barren watery deserts. I mean, all those things are bad. But what I really hate about climate change is how fucking slow it is. Come the fuck on. Let's just get this over with.

Like tomorrow afternoon, if we're not going to stop it or even agree that there's something to stop, then let's just crank the goddamn thing to 11. Enough of this death by a thousand clear cuts. Let's bring on the guillotine. We have always deserved this. I hope that was worth the money. Hope you like that.

All right. Vote for Jill Stein. That is going to wrap it up for this portion of Vulgarity for Charity. Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us for this. And Eli too. Thanks so much, guys.

Thanks for being a part of it. Thank you, best friends. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We are going to skip our email and our patrons for the next couple of weeks because we have to record early. It's a holiday week this week, and Tom and I are going to be gone next week. So we've got to record a little early. So we're going to skip our patrons

as well as our email that we received. We will be getting to it when we come back in a couple of weeks, but we're not going to be able to do it this week. We do, of course, want to thank the Puzzle and Thunderstorm gang for joining us. Noah, Heath, and Eli. Very funny guys. So happy they can join us.

Every time we do Vulgarity for Charity, we always laugh and enjoy each other's company, just like we do every week on Citationated. And so glad that they invited us to be a part of Vulgarity for Charity several years ago. The partnership has been tremendous and really merging the power of our audiences has just done so much good.

Thank you. Yeah, and the amount of money that we just done so much good. Thank you. Yeah, and the amount of money that we've raised over these last several years, all the people who have listened and who have donated, you've raised so much money. You've helped so many lives.

And so we want to thank them for coming on for Vulgarity for Charity. And of course, we want to definitely thank everybody who donated to Modest Needs this time to make it such an amazing success. That is going to wrap it up, though, for this episode.

We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Coached in Scientician, Double Bubble, Toil and Trouble, Pseudo-Quasi-Alternative, Acupunctuating, Pressurized, Stereogram, Pyramidal, Free Energy, Healing, Water, Down, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption.

All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. you