Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 605: The Griftening

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Show Notes

Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way.

We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 605 of Cognitive Dissonance, Cecil. Tom, we need to get in touch with Knowledge Fight. Oh, we do. And we got to figure out our travel plans to go get Alex Jones's desk.

We got to do it. Because when he liquidates that shit, Alex Jones is going to have to liquidate a lot of things. Fire sale! He just lost all four Sandy Hook defamation cases. Brother, how great is that? It is a couple weeks old. This story is a couple weeks old, right?

It's going to be delicious no matter how left over it is. You already ate some of it on Thanksgiving. Now you get a chance to eat the cranberry stuffing the next day. Right. This is your mashed potatoes and cranberry sandwich. That's what that is. It was better than the original meal. So good.

It's just so delicious. I'm so happy because the things that he said and how he said them and the people he incited to chase these victims down, it was abhorrent. And you should not be able to say some things. You should not just be able to walk in and say, I am lying and I'm just able to do it. And I'm able to hurt people and ruin lives

and make a poor guy move across country and change like like he's a fucking CIA agent he's got to change his fucking PO box every third day yeah because people are fucking posting his while grieving yeah and they're posting his fucking social security number online they're just I mean this this guy is just like he's like a lifelock like yeah poster child because everybody just absolutely attacked the shit out of him. All these followers, two people were put away for it. And then, of course, Alex Jones, throughout the years, made all kinds of statements about this sort of thing. I don't know.

Did he, though? Because what he said was, I barely talked about Sandy Hook. Sure. Well, fuck you. Clearly, you didn't. Clearly you didn't, because guess what? Alex Jones guilty

in all four Sandy Hook definitions. And also, guess what? Asshole, the internet's forever. It's all recorded, dumbass. What the fuck?

The Wayback Machine will take me there. I know. Eat a dick. Fuck you, dude. You think you can just deny, with this fucking video of you yammering for fucking ever

about false flags and all the rest of this nonsense that what i what i think is what do we need to come to cecil is a place where we do have real genuine honest protected freedom of speech freedom of speech is the inability for the government to dictate the kind of speech and the place that we engage in speech. But we do not need to have a freedom of speech so great that those who are aggrieved by speech have no recourse. Yeah. And we're at a place where there is fucking recourse.

There is tremendous recourse. And this is an accompanying article from CNN Politics. Judge orders pro-Trump attorneys who brought fliv... Flivalis? Flivalis. Flivalis!

Flivalis. I like that word. Actually, I can name a dog Flivalis. That'd be a cool name. That's a great word. That's a great name for an animal. All right. Yeah, Flivalis.

Flivalis the hamster. I was going to say, like a hamster with the name Flivalis is so cute. All right. I'll try that again. Yeah. Judge orders pro-Trump attorneys

who brought frivolous election fraud case to pay more than $180,000 to defendants they sued. And this is Dominion Voting and a couple other places that wound up getting money from these. And these are just from, these are just from the lawyers and they won.

Fox News, Newsmax. Oh, it's coming. I wonder if they're going to be getting in a van going to pick up the Fox News desk. Yeah, I know, right? Oh, it's a fire sale of conservative media, motherfuckers. Yeah. You know, the other thing that happened

is a fucking busy week. Yeah. The other thing that happened is a fucking busy week. Yeah. The other thing that happened too is a verdict was passed in the Charlottesville case. So the fucking bigots that planned the Unite the Right rally, they got sued.

And we talked about this before and the weaponization of the system that really further victimized people. But that came down and those motherfuckers, $26 million lawsuit settled in their favor. And that's a fucking judgment now. Yeah.

Like what's great about judgments is you can't bankrupt your way out of them. So if I have a judgment filed against me, I can't bankrupt and then that judgment goes away. Like if I owe Discover Card, once I have a judgment against me, that's it. It's like a student loan. It's it.

If it's a federal judgment, it sits for 10 years. If it's a state judgment, it sits for 20 years. 20 years. And it will affect any property that I own. It will make it, they can make your life hell on a judgment financially. So the ruinous nature of this verdict is wonderful because again, this is related to speech. This is really related to speech. That's what they were suing on. They said, look, there was a conspiracy. The conspiracy was you assholes getting together in what they called, by the way, the Fashloft to plan this shit out.

Well, and the people, certainly you'll recognize Richard Spencer's name, but Christopher Cantwell, Jason Kessler, and Matthew Heimbach, they were among the defendants. And you're talking about a judgment now against Richard Spencer. And Richard Spencer, before this judgment ever came out, was crying poor. Yeah. So, you know, and this is going to hamstring all those people, hopefully, from having a normal life for a little while, at least financially. Yeah. Well, and, you know, what's great is that one of these other fuckers is behind bar for assault.

Richard Spencer's wife left him and also said that he beat the shit out of her. These people are ruined. Yeah. And I want to be clear, they should be ruined. They should be fucking ruined. And we might not be in a place where we have good criminal laws. And maybe we shouldn't. Maybe though the civil procedure is the way to go after this kind of stuff and make it so expensive to engage in disinformation, misinformation, and egregious racial hatred. Make that, just make the cost of that terrifying.

Yeah. Tell me, JR, which slut are you going to stay with tonight? What difference does it make? Whoever it is, it's got to be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at right now

oh it's still going so I want to cover this every week this is still happening this QAnon people are still showing up in Dallas waiting for JFK to show up the hundreds of them

lined a bridge on the 22nd a couple weeks ago they're still there I know this we're recording this ahead this is a get out but I. They're still there. I know we're recording this ahead. This is a get-ahead, but I guarantee they're still there. And Vice covers this whole thing,

basically talking about how one guy is just, like, essentially just dipping in on this whole group of people living down there and just, he's basically just sucking all the money off because he's just like, oh, no, this is going to happen and keep sending me money and keep me in this hotel and keep all my followers in this hotel. This is clearly a grift.

Like if anything was ever a fucking grift, this is so obviously a grift. It's the griftiest grift that ever grifted. It's fucking Fast and the Furious, the fucking griftless. Are you kidding me? It's the grifting. Right.

Holy shit. Yeah. This is, and they're so fucking gullible and goofy. At one point they're like, oh, he's coming. We got the dates wrong. We should be using the Julian calendar. And then that fucking made up date passed. Yeah.

And now there's guys that are saying like, we're just setting up camp. They're just like, he's coming back eventually. That's such an acknowledgement that you're wrong to say, like, we have to move here. You have to read part of this, though, when they talk about the band. Oh, God.

God, it's the best. Hold on a second. We got to read this paragraph because they talk about what they're singing. All right. In videos shared by those in attendance, young children can be seen standing in the crowd holding QAnon signs late into the evening.

One former follower of Protzman told Vice News last week that she witnessed children outside asleep on the ground in the early hours of the morning when the group initially met two weeks ago. They just stayed on the ground. Two weeks ago. And then they just stayed on the ground. With your kids. They just took their kids and they're like,

no, we're just going to lay here. We go, it's so important. We need to see Jon Jon come back. It's so important. We're going to just neglect our regular life. Should your kids be in school? I mean, you know, they have neglected the regularly scheduled programming

of their kids going to school and them existing and them going to like yoga class or whatever. Right. They're just down in fucking Dallas indefinitely, man. I mean, and I asked this with real estate. Can you imagine if you had a loved one that had fallen for this? Because I think we just got lucky that we didn't.

You know, because I have a really small family. There's a bunch of people that have fallen for cults like this in the past. I mean, look at the people who drank Kool-Aid with, it was John Jones, Jim Jones, John Jones, UFC fighter. Punches you in the face while you're trying to drink your Kool-Aid. He drinks a Kool-Aid and then he drives his car drunk. Anyway. This Kool-Aid's full of protein powder and creatine. And then a lot of alcohol

and I just blew a red light. No, but the Jim Jones or whatever and then there's other people, you know, the Heaven's Gate cult and then there's lots of other cults out there too. Oh yeah, the Moonies are huge. I mean like real cults. These are cults that indoctrinate people. Hell, the Mormons are a cult for current America. For sure, yeah. So, you know, there's cults out there too. Oh yeah, the Moonies are huge. I mean like real cults. These are cults that indoctrinate people. Hell, the Mormons

are a cult for current America. For sure, yeah. So, you know, there's cults out there where people are caught up in this. But, you know, there's also some sort of normalcy to some of this cult life, you know what I mean? Like there's a little bit of normalcy. There's no normalcy, dude. This is so bizarre and so off the wall. You're living

in a hotel waiting for a celebrity to come back for what? Like you would know, like, here's the thing. If let's just say, let's just say for argument's sake, John,

John appears with Michael Jackson and whoever else. Cause we'll get to it. We'll get to it. We're going to get to it. Yeah. It's like Michael Jackson and like Julius Caesar or something. I was like, all the people throughout history,

the thinking it's like, it's like Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. It's all the people that you put It's Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. It's all the people that you put on the thing that you would like to have a dinner with. It's like all the people. But in any case, they're talking about all these people. Like you would know if you weren't there because John John showed up

and then there was a big publicity thing. So if I was at home and then I got up in the morning and I went to work and then I took the kids and they went to the rec center and I brought them back home and I did all my regular things and I made dinner and I'll, you know, all the things that I was going to do normally as a Q parent. Right. Instead, I'm down there just like, like indefinitely waiting.

Like, can't you get on with your life while you're indefinitely waiting for John John? The thing is like, I understand wanting to be there in the moment that history has made. I have a dream. I got my fucking list of things I want to do in my life, Cecil. I want to see a spaceship take off. I want to see a rocket take off. Like, I want to stand there, and I want to hear it and see it, and I want to feel it. Because there's a sense of, like, even though they're regular and routine at this point,

to me, there's a sense of momentous occasion. Sure. And I want to be there for it. That's cool. That's cool. That's cool. Right. Yeah. So I do understand and sympathize, but at some point, watch it on TV, asshole. It's never going to happen. Yeah. I mean, I, I, as much as I like wildlife and it would be cool to be on a safari or something, I will never go to Africa. Like that's something I want on your list. So I'm just like, cool. I'll just watch David Attenborough and he'll tell me all about it. Right. And I'll be good and I'll be okay and I'll learn to live with that.

Yeah. And I feel like, I feel like if it's so important that you're neglecting your regular life, then that's something. What the fuck? Yeah. So anyway, there's more to come here.

So keep going. As Nightfell and JFK once again failed to reappear uh which is which is poorly appear he never appeared initially i guess he appeared when he was alive yeah i mean like many years jumped out of a vagina years ago but yeah the group gathered and recited the lord's prayer before breaking into her edition of we are the world a song co-written by Michael Jackson. How weird is this? Could you imagine people What? And then there's like audio of them singing it. Guys, there's a lot of people here.

Yeah, it's not like a little people. That's a lot of people, man. There's a lot of people. That's a lot of people. That's more people than we had in like Glasgow or Edinburgh. Right, yeah. Cecil, I think that is honestly, I think that's more people than have ever come to see us live.

Yeah. It's a lot of people. That's insane. It's a lot of people. Two weeks ago, when JFK failed to materialize, Protzman led his followers to a $300 a ticket

Rolling Stones concert that was taking place in the city and now claims, without any evidence, that the band had actually been replaced by Michael Jackson playing Mick Jagger.

Okay, we got to stop there for a second. Because they don't look at all. I don't think you could. I don't know. I don't think. I mean, I know like Jackson got a lot of work done, but there's not. You can't do that much. Like you would need an excavator to make his mouth that big.

Yeah, right? I mean, come on. This. What in this scenario, which my mind is just, it's just like I'm wrapped up in knots. Michael Jackson died years ago. Yeah. And was like, he died before QAnon. Yeah.

So he died and then just what for a long time? Waited for QAnon to be born so that he could come back as Mick Jagger secretly. Or they're like, what happened now? Now I want to know what happened to Mick Jagger. Right.

Where's Mick Jagger? We're down one Mick Jagger. I would not be surprised if Mick Jagger was taken out of the picture at some point. The guy was probably entirely made of drugs in the 60s. So to me, if he passed away tomorrow, I would not be surprised.

He's in his 70s, and he's made of cocaine and barbiturates. If both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards had died years ago, and somebody had just automatoned them up and they were just like robots with speakers in their face. I would be like, unlikely but believable. You know?

No, I get it. I would be like, yeah, I get it. Kind of make sense. All right, I'll take it. In this scenario, Michael Jackson died years before any of this happened, then just went into hiding. Cause I didn't die. And then Neverland ranch doesn't live there,

but so who knows? And then Mick Jagger, I don't know. And it keeps going. JFK Jr. Is Keith Richards. My favorite reveal is, and Prince is drummer, Steve Jordan.

Well, that's your favorite reveal because my favorite is the next one coming. Okay. Go ahead. Well, one of the backing singers won

was replaced by Aaliyah the US singer who died in a plane crash in 2001 what the fuck is Aaliyah doing as a backup singer I know right

she was like a star she could be her own singer why wouldn't she just be a singer can you imagine you die you don't die you fake your death.

Then you wait 20 years to be one of the backup singers? That's your reveal. That's your big reveal? You know, and also too, like they picked these people. Why not just pick everybody on the stage? I mean, you're just making it up as you go along.

Why not just be like, and that one's Abe Link. I know. Why not just make it up as you go along. Right. Why not just be like, and that one's Abe Link. I know. I know. Why not just make it all up? These people. You only made up a selective amount of it. There's still more people in the band and in the backup singing. Thank you.

And it could be the roadies could happen to be Vin Diesel or whatever. Like, there's a bunch of people we could pick here. Don't they all have to be dead, though? They have to all be the other guy who died on the Fast and Furious. Well, what about that guy who died, like the fucking La Bamba guy? It doesn't seem to matter how long ago it was. No, you could have the whole band of

Lynyrd Skynyrders and the Roadies. Yeah, absolutely. Fuck it, dude. What about that guy who died in a plane crash like last year? Who was that guy? Was he a basketball guy who died in a plane crash last year? No, it was a helicopter.

It was Kobe Bryant. There you go. Why isn't he on the stage? I don't know. Fucking every... Two or three weeks ago. And it doesn't matter. I mean, seriously, black and white doesn't matter because Michael Jackson is Mick Jagger, so it could be that the

fucking bassist is Kobe Bryant. Right. Absolutely. 100%. Several weeks ago when we were talking about this because the story delightfully won't die and I never want it to now. No, I want them to, I want there to be like, I want there to be like a temple.

I want them to build like a QAnon temple. Build a monument to this shit. On the fucking grounds there where they just constantly pilgrimage. Yes. Let's just go full fucking crazy, man.

Yeah, anyway, you're saying. But a few weeks ago, I was like, oh, I should pretend to be JFK and then we looked it up and he's so much more handsome than I am. And he's 6'1", by the way.

But I've realized that that doesn't matter. Much taller. Yeah, but I'll just come back and be like, yeah, fuck you. Now I'm short and ugly. Who fucking cares? Because it literally doesn't matter anymore. I'm going to show up and be like, I'm JFK Jr., bitches. It doesn't matter.

Because Mick Jagger doesn't look anything like Michael Jackson. Seriously. So it doesn't matter. Let's play it out. Okay. I'm fucking JFK Jr., bitches. It doesn't matter. Because Mick Jagger doesn't look anything like Michael Jackson. Seriously. So it doesn't matter. Let's play it out. Okay. I'm fucking JFK Jr. Ask me anything about my life. Who's your mom?

I don't know. Fuck you. I'm JFK Jr. Your mom's Jacqueline Kennedy. She's probably a Kennedy. I don't fucking care. You literally are so stupid. I can help you.

We can prep. I don't think I have to. I can just look at you. You're so stupid, you'll believe anything can prep I don't think I have to I can just look at you you're so stupid you'll believe anything my dad was a brontosaurus he was making shit up just random shit

holy shit oh god you can do it we should just go just force of will just show up and by sheer force of will somebody should be JFK Jr.

we started this show 10 years ago tell me this was something you could have predicted tell me because there's no way man by sheer force of will, somebody should be JFK Jr. We started this show 10 years ago. Tell me this was something you could have predicted. Tell me, because there's no way, man. There's no way. When we were looking

at the crazy back then, there was no way that it would mutate to the crazy now. There's no way. There's no fucking way, man. I don't care what conspiracy it was. Because 10 years ago,

the height of absurdity was when a vice presidential candidate wrote a few answers on her hand. That was, seriously, guys, 10 years ago, that was the height of the absurd. And she was below average intelligence. Right.

She was just like kind of a dopey person. And that was the height of absurdity. No end. Yeah, no. No end. I mean, like my eyes shot off like I was a cartoon dog. I was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go No end. Yeah, no. No end. I mean, like, my eyes shot off like I was a cartoon dog. I was like,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And then they went back out of my head. Like, that's what, yeah. Fast forward 10 years and here we are. Yeah. And you could write this.

Here's the thing. Like, if you put if you put Sarah Palin and like Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene and Gates in the same room and gave them the SAT, Sarah Palin and like Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene and Gates in the same room and gave them the SAT Sarah Palin would fucking crush them

she would crush them she would she would fuck them raw she would fucking absolutely they're like Trump too like genuinely

Trump too holy shit well I don't know person, man, woman, camera she's kept TV you forgot the TV I forgot TV you forgot the TV. I forgot TV.

Holy shit. God, that's a crazy thing to think about. I don't know why anybody does drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I should go do this. You should. I'll see you around.

See you around. See ya. This story comes from the Washington Post. Insulin price caps are on the horizon. So a couple of things about this story I want to throw over to you, Cecil. The first is that what they're talking about is insulin price caps being capped at, I think, $35 as part of the social infrastructure. Yeah. And the Democrats are making a lot of noise about this because if the Republicans push back on it, there are millions of people who take insulin.

So this is a really nice leverage point. And it's genuinely something wonderful to give to people. And it crosses party lines. Right. Yeah. Right. And then I just also want to add, also the price should be zero.

Dude. Dude, dude. It's so expensive. It's so expensive, the amount of money it costs for people to have insulin. It's like a fucking, it's like a fucking brand new PlayStation worth. Like, I mean, it's like, it's so expensive, dude. That's crazy. I mean, it's so

like mind-boggling expensive. And it's, and this is something that people need to live. I didn't know it was this expensive. And it's, and this is something that people need to live. I didn't know. This is not a, this is not a thing that's like, that's like optional option. You know,

you can't just, you can't just kind of be like, well, I can go without my insulin today. Yeah. Like I take a, a, a Omeprazole for like a gastric reflux.

And every once in a while I forget it and nothing bad happens except for I have like a little bit of a cough in the it and nothing bad happens except for I have like a little bit of a cough in the morning and I'm like, oh, I should have taken my fucking gastric reflux, my old man gastric reflux medicine. Right. If I don't take my insulin, it's like, oh, I'm in a coma. You can, I mean, you can die. Like people, people have to make a decision. And you're talking about, you know, how every single insurance company should 100% make this free, right? But then if you can't afford insurance in this country, it should 100% be free.

Yeah, we should just have a nationalized healthcare system where people just get medicine because they need medicine. It's so pathetic to make such a large group of humans that we could easily fix, not be fixed. I know. People are making real choices about like, holy shit, am I going to get my car repaired? Am I going to keep my heat on?

It's so expensive, dude. It's so expensive. If you live anywhere else, I have to, I know, I already know that we are going to get emails from listeners. From Canada, from the UK, from every place. Because they pay zero dollars. They pay zero dollars. They pay zero. And we're trying to get it to be like, you know, three times the cost of Netflix. $35 is not an, it's not, I mean, I'll tell you what,

there's been times in my life and I know there's been times in your life where you've had to make, make a decision on $35. For fucking sure. Now I'm not at that position anymore in my life. Right. Because I have a pretty good job. My wife has a pretty good job. Right. So like, like we're not at that position anymore, but there was times in our life where we made that decision and said, no, we can't. And there was times in my life as a young man living with my parents where that was an, it was a pie in the sky number. That was a number that was unobtainable. So imagine if you're somebody who's on poverty. Imagine if you're somebody who's homeless. Imagine if you're somebody who,

are we saying those people deserve to die? Because that's what we're saying. That's what we're saying when we put a price tag on this. That is literally the actual thing that we're saying. And Republicans are saying, well, our plan would say that once you've met your deductible, then we cap it at $50. once you've met your deductible, then we cap it at $50.

Once you've met your deductible, your deductible, like your deductible. This is hundreds of dollars worth of stuff. My deductible is thousands of dollars. Well, I mean, but it's like hundreds of dollars a month. Right. That you're just, that's, who has hundreds of dollars a month that they're just like, that's extra income. That's extra cash. That's so much money.

Holy fuck. Yeah. And it's not like insulin. And there's a lot of conversations, the wrong conversation about medicine. We talk about like, oh, that's for like new, that's for research and development.

But they're gouging us on shit like insulin. Insulin's fucking decades old. Insulin is recurring too. We didn't just come up with insulin. Insulin is recurring too. I know, but like. You know, like that's the thing. That's why it costs so much.

Right. Because they want to make sure that they make, and this is an example, right? Here's your example, folks that don't believe in a vaccine and they think that COVID's a hoax or whatever.

Here's your example of medical companies being fuckers, right? Right. Here's your, this is what you should be outraged at. This is a real thing

that medical companies are doing and that medical institutions are doing to real people. This is a real thing. And so like, be upset about this. This is a thing you should be mad about.

It's fucking bonkers. I am so glad, actually. I'm so glad that the Democrats are, I think, very wisely leveraging this point. Yeah, fight this. Fight this. Fuck you. Fight this.

I think every fucking Republican who votes against this, you want to look them in the eye and say, you voted against price caps on insulin. Yeah. You voted to bankrupt my fucking mom. That never stops. And that never stops. Never.

That never stops. Because you always did that. Once you did that once, you always did that. Yeah. And then you don't get to take credit for this when this passes. Oh, they will. You don't get to go back to your fucking people and say, oh, I got your insulin

cheaper, even though you fucking voted against it, you fucking asshole. You know another really good business? Teen tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green, fire engine red. Really. The antibodies

in Yummy Mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination. Believe me, prices will drop really fast. Grubbit, grubbit, grubbit, grubbit, grubbit, grubbit. This story comes in the daily beast as well seven from anti-vax doctors covid conference fall sick

within days and what's amazing about this story is seven people from the same fucking anti-science conference get covid and they're like it wasn't from the conference it was from the airports they went through right they claim it was from the air the airports that they went because they were all according to this guy they were all healthy when they arrived well i mean clearly he's dr tom oh that's true you know yeah this is the what this is the thing that that's the toughest thing to deal with is that there's doctors out there with that have gone through medical school that either know that there's a payday to be made or know that they weren't very smart or I don't know what it is. I don't know what gets a doctor into this mindset. I don't know what gets a nurse into this mindset.

I don't know what gets a healthcare practitioner, an aide at a fucking nursing home. I don't know what gets them into this mindset, but they carry with them some weight. They carry with them a weight of expertise. Right. And they wield that, wield that, and people will glom onto this jackass and use him as the one person

who's going to come out and say, yeah, that's the guy. That's, that's my guy. That's who I follow on Facebook and he knows his stuff and he's a doctor and he's my guy. That's who I follow on Facebook. And he knows his stuff and he's a doctor and he's unassailable. Well, and they'll do that like bullshit. Like, well, you listen to your doctor and I listen to my doctor. And my doctor is this person. Well, first of all, it's probably not your actual doctor, but like the doctor I listened to

is this guy and you listen to Fauci. And it's like, well, first of all, not all doctors are created or not all doctors are educated equally when it comes to infectious disease, right? A podiatrist, for example, is an MD. Yeah. But they are not well-equipped to speak about epidemiology and virology, right? We should listen to infectious disease experts when it comes to infectious disease. If I have a corn, I'll go to you or whatever. But in exactly the same way that I'll go to you or whatever.

But in exactly the same way that we only go to specialists for specialist stuff, right? I go to a cardiologist for my heart. Yeah, or for, I mean, just like cars. Right. I go to a body shop guy for a body shop thing. Exactly. What this also teaches us is that there is no perfect inoculation for any virus, whether that virus is disinformation and poor thinking and conspiratorial belief. Very good point. Yeah. So going to med school is not a perfect inoculation.

No, no. Still, we have breakthroughs on occasion. Yeah. Breakthrough infection, you know, and that's absolutely true. Yeah. Think about how many doctors you know that are super religious. Yeah. And religious thinking is clearly at odds with scientific method thinking. Look at two famous doctors in Congress, the Pauls. Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess one Paul isn't in there anymore, but was for a while.

True. You know, but like, I mean, it's the two Pauls, both of them famous doctors. One of them's a doctor questioning Fauci about methodology when Fauci told him he's lying, like told him he's lying because he's doing it just for political reasons. And again, we are in this weird position where no one is willing to look at objective truth and people are only taking their subjective truth. You know, I mean, like I'm willing to, I want to admit that

I'm willing to hear any objective truth about COVID. Objective truth. You know what I mean? Like I'm willing to, if it, if it comes back that, you know, down the road, that is from a lab or something like I would listen to that. Or down the road,

they find out that there's something that happens with one of the vaccines and there's a higher chance. I want to know about it. I want to, of course I want to know about it. I don't think that that's going to happen, but I'm just saying like, I want to know about it.

But what the problem is, is that, is that there's just this blatant, on one side of the fence, there's just this blatant disregard for reality, which is so disheartening. And these are experts. These are people who wield expertise to all the people that follow them. This guy comes back and there's seven of these doctors, seven of these doctors that got together on this thing, got sick with this stuff. And some of these guys aren't young. They're not, I mean, one of these,

one or two of these guys could die. You know, I mean, you are seeing, you know, at least what I'm seeing when I see the people who die, at least on the places that I see it, there is some severe comorbidities, which cause people to, you know, to decline way faster than other people. So it's possible.

And here's the thing, there's a percentage chance, a good percentage chance you're not going to die from COVID. You're going to get sick from it. But we don't know the long-term effects. I know they're arguing right now about the long-term effects of the vaccine. Well, guess what?

We don't know the long-term effects of COVID. I don't understand why that's not scarier. Vaccine, we know everything that's in it because we put it in it. The virus is an entirely unknown, I'm going to say entity, I know it's not alive. It's an entirely unknown entity. And we have no idea and no way to come to knowledge

without just waiting it out to see what's going to happen. We know though, there are a host of other viral infections that can linger and that can cause illness down the road. And we should do everything in our power to not get sick. Yes. Yeah. Because the better health alternative is to not get sick in the first place. It is never the best alternative to get sick and then gamble that your immune system will beat it and then gamble that your immune system will continue to keep it in check forever. And then there's, I mean, there's all the other collateral damage that comes with getting sick because you don't know how long you've been infected. You go to work or you go visit somebody and you could get somebody else

sick and then they could get somebody sick who's close to them that happens to be immunocompromised it's a it's a domino effect that can really fuck a lot of people up and if you only care about you it's expensive in america to get sick we were just talking about insulin it's expensive to get sick yes the temperature hike has caused glaciers to shrink and go backward leaving lakes of melted glacier water in their wake. A shift in these collapsing glaciers puts pressure on the lakes, forcing them to overflow their natural limits and killing, this morning, 14 people, not spotted owls. Are you telling me that the deaths this morning are the first fatalities of global warming? They're definitely global warming fatalities, but I doubt that they're the first. So this article is from grist.org, and I just thought it was great.

Climate change deniers are over-attacking the science. Now they attack the solutions. So this article really describes a shift, and I thought about this, Cecil, and what I thought this describes. So it describes a shift from outright denial, right? So for a long time, the right was sort of, hey, this isn't happening at all. And if it's happening, it's not caused by peace. And that conversation is mostly over.

There was a constant moving of the goalposts for like 30 or 40 years. There was a, we're not doing it at all. It's actually global cooling. Right. Oh, you know what's happening is the sun has this thing. Okay, well not doing it at all. It's actually global cooling. Right. Oh, you know, what's happening is, is the sun has this thing. Okay. Well, that's not it. It's actually this. Okay. That's not, it's at this. Okay. Maybe it's happening, but it's not really doing this

and we're not causing it. Right. Okay. This and this. And there's always been this sort of pulling back like each time, like there's a, there's sort of this acquiescence. Yeah. To evidence. But they're still, they're still saying, yeah, but. Right. Constantly. And what I think is interesting that is happening now is now the conversation has shifted

or is beginning to shift to where it's like, all right, well, it's fine climate change. You got me. And fine anthropogenic climate change. It's us. You got me.

But let's not do anything to fix it because it's too expensive and this and that. And I thought, that's all, we're finally at the root. The root was never, I don't actually believe in it. The root was always, I don't want to believe in it because I don't want to do the work to fix it, because I don't want to make the sacrifices, because I don't want to give up fossil fuels or stop making money. Exactly. I think it's mostly the latter, the last thing you mentioned. I don't want to give up, I don't want to give up this privileged position that I sit in where I've been controlling a

market full of fossil fuels forever. And, you know, we've seen how large corporations and groups of large corporations can manipulate things politically. We saw it with cigarettes. You know what I mean? Like you saw for years, they were able to stifle this push about cigarettes being harmful and they were able to do it for years and years and years and years and years. And, you know, and then, you know, people kept dying and kept dying and they're like, come on, there's gotta be something to this. The link is the cigarettes. Eventually it comes out. But, you know, for years, the's gotta be something to this, that the link is the cigarettes. Eventually it comes out, but for years the cigarette companies were able to slow that down. And the same thing happens with fossil fuels.

For years, the fossil fuel companies and the car companies who don't want to spend the money to change and all the people that benefit off of fossil fuels, they're all complicit. They all want this to slow down. They all want this to stall because this changes their whole profit model. This changes everything for them.

You know, cars are a great example. The reason there's a seatbelt in every car is because there's a law. Yeah. It's not because manufacturers of cars all said, hey, you know what's really a great safety device is the seatbelt. We should put them in all of our cars because it just makes sense. You know, the reason that there is a seatbelt in every car is because there's a law for it. Yeah.

That's it. Yeah. You know, I think if I'm not mistaken, I think Volvo put seatbelts in cars before the law was passed. And I think at some point, it just takes legislation to fix things. Yeah, yeah.

Because it just does. Because the profit motive says, I don't want to spend an extra dollar. And that's, I mean, that plays out in the current market that we're in now too, where you're like, yeah, there's electric cars in the market,

but they're not the norm. Right. You know, so yeah, your Volvo has its safety belts, but it's not the norm. It's not the one thing that everybody's like, oh yeah, like everybody's going to follow Volvo's footsteps

because they're doing the right thing or they're doing a thing to keep people safe. No, they were selling safety. Right. For the same reason that Tesla is selling innovation and technology and, you know, running off of a different grid. You know what I mean? I don't think Elon Musk is an environmentalist.

I think Elon Musk is a fucking capitalist. Well, I mean, I think he saw something early on, took over somebody else's company and used the buying power that he had to try to push this thing as the one. I mean, because it was really the one company for the longest time that was actually an electronic car company. Now there's more, but in the beginning, there wasn't a lot of them. For a long time. And we can easily change. And we talked about it a lot of them. For a long time. And, you know, we can easily change. And we talked about it a couple of weeks ago when we talked about Biden going in

and just signing things, executive orders. I really feel like this is how you got to do it. Executive orders, some environmental stuff now. Get it started now because this stuff is so important. And right now, what they're fighting against is these little things, these ways to be like, yeah, but I don't want to change because of this. Be like, well, now you have to. Right.

Well, now you have to. Once we've shifted the argument from it's not real anymore to I don't like the solutions, now we're done. Now we're done. Now, tough shit. Nobody's going to like the solutions. And I do get it, right? At some point, someone's going to lose their job in the fucking coal factory or whatever. That sucks, coal factory. The coal mine or the coal power plant. I don't want to pretend that

that doesn't suck for that individual. That's just also not how public policy works. Public policy is for the public. I want to talk about this to Tom. They're talking about in this, about an app called Cranky Uncle. So good. And Cranky Uncle is an app that shows you your cranky uncle like at fucking Thanksgiving.

And this app basically presents these crazy conspiracies and et cetera, so that you could sort of help share with other people how crazy this sounds in an app form. Right. And I just love this idea that right now there's some way to use the cell phone against somebody. I kind of want to download it. Did you download it?

I didn't. No, I didn't. I should download it and play it. Yeah. But it's a game called Cranky Uncle. And it's, you know, it's each one is, is, you know, it's a, basically the idea is, is that it's a, it's a free app and the, you know, it's a quiz, kind of like a quiz game that you can play, but I, I suspect you could also give it to other people,

put it on your phone and give it to somebody who's, you know, might be on the fence about some things and you might be able to be convinced by something that they're not so emotionally attached to because they're emotionally attached to you in some way. And they're not emotionally attached to your phone. So if there's a way that you can get somebody, I mean, anything that we can do to try to stem the tide of misinformation. And right now, these companies that are trying to stop

and slow this stuff down, they're the ones where all this stuff is coming from. They are, man. They're the genesis of all this because they have money to lose. And they've been proven to be the genesis of this for a long time. The oil companies, the big oil companies,

have had good, solid, irrefutable data on the impact of carbon on the environment. They've had this for decades. This is not conspiracy shit. They've had this for decades and This is not conspiracy. Yeah, no. They've had this for decades and decades and they have buried it and they have actively

promoted policies that were in direct opposition to their own findings, their own evidence-based findings because it doesn't meet their bottom line. Yeah. Oh, Elmo would love to help.

Denise, could you come here for a second? Wow, hoppa, hoppa. You be the patient, and I'll be the doctor. Don't worry, buddy. I'm going to take care of you. Elmo knows that together, we can get through this. And scene. I get it now.

Oh, yay! She got the, she got the, yeah, baby. Yeah, baby, yeah, baby. Thank you. Okay, the, she got the yeah baby, yeah baby, yeah baby. Thank you. Okay. Easy, buddy. What, she's your woman? This is the best.

This is the straight up best. This is one of those moments where you're like, where do we live again? I know. What is happening? This is from

Business Insider. CPAC bans Sesame Street characters from its upcoming Orlando conference, citing Big Bird's endorsement of vaccines. Motherfuckers, you heard that. I'm reading it again. I'm reading it again. This is actually a news story. This is reality, guys.

Again, do you remember when like the biggest story is oh she wrote something on her hand yeah yeah yeah now cpac bans sesame street from its upcoming orlando conference because of big bird's endorsement of vaccines and you know the person who's on the side of of banning them and who's attacking them is ted cruz, you know, the person who's on the side of banning them and who's attacking them is Ted Cruz. Yeah. You know, fucking, if there was a human Muppet,

it's Ted Cruz. But, you know, this is, what's so disgusting about this is these are people who are in charge of a lot of stuff. I know. This is not a job someone should take lightly. Yeah.

This is not, this is not a job that's like a blow-off job you get in your gap year between high school and fucking college. This is a fucking job where a lot of human beings rely on you to make the right decisions and to say the right things. And when you come out and you say,

what he said in here, I want to read Ted Cruz's fucking dumb faced fucking tweet here. Sesame street tweeted. I got the COVID vaccine today. My wing is feeling a little sore, but I give my body a little extra protective boost that it needs that it, that keeps me and others healthy. That was big Bert wrote that in a tweet. I don't know if it's a big bird account or if it's the Sesame street account, But in any case, Republicans like Texas Senator Ted Cruz criticized the tweet and claimed the children's character

was used to indoctrinate kids, government propaganda for your five-year-old. Look, man, it's not government propaganda to get the fucking vaccine. That's not government propaganda, you fucking idiot. Like, use your words, Ted. You don't even know what you're talking about.

Like, fucking, it's health policy. It's public health policy. Also, like, you're part of the government, asshole. Maybe this is the kind of propaganda we should do. Yeah, yeah. Like, shit, if the government is going to be engaged in propaganda, it is appropriate for the propaganda to be like, hey, here's a solution to an enormous problem, Yeah, yeah. What the fuck else is government supposed to do except for let people know? Yeah. Also, last time I checked, Big Bird doesn't work for the government. Yeah.

How is that government propaganda? I just. Because it's fucking PBS? Because it's. It's funded by viewers like you. Get a tote bag full of vaccines. Right? I thought a couple of things too.

Like, Big Bird tweeted this out. Big Bird should be the only one tweeting anything nicely done nicely done thank you yeah like thank you yeah but like did they think big bird was gonna go did they think big bird is real i know big bird is like i didn't get invited big bird isn't at home because big bird isn't a thing. That's fiction. But again, I think it's just a big joke where they're like, not invited. Are these people because they're indoctrinating your kid? No, thank you, Big Bird.

Yeah, but you know what else? It's Big Bird, Bert, and Ernie. But Bert and Ernie didn't have anything to fucking do with it. But Bert and Ernie are widely thought to be gay. So they get lumped in with fucking Big Bird because it's like, you know what? We're not going to say you're not invited

because you're gay because you don't have penises and stuff because you're puppets. They're so mad. They're mad at like Muppets, man. They're so mad at these Muppets. We talked about the guy a couple weeks ago. Trying to be mad at a Muppet, Cecil.

Getting mad at a Muppet. And so like these people are just upset at Muppets, man. Holy fuck. How fucking small is your life that you're mad at a Muppet. And so like these people are just upset at Muppets, man. Holy fuck. How fucking small is your life that you're mad at a Muppet? The Big Bird thing just blows me away because you're just like, look, man, having kids getting this vaccine gets them back into school. Isn't that what we want? Dude, literally this week in my daughter's school, one of the kids has COVID.

So now everybody before they return to school, all the kids have to go and get COVID tests because she's at an age where, best case scenario, they've gotten one shot. The timing-wise, it's impossible for them to have gotten both shots already. So we got this email, I think Friday night, that in her class, somebody has COVID. And she's got one of the vaccinations.

She doesn't sit near this kid. They all wear masks. And so like, fine, but we don't want to shut the schools down. Remember last year, shutting the schools down did terrible damage to the kids in that school. It's not good news.

We should be embracing the solution. It's fucking insane to me that it's like, well, fuck the solution. That's big government. that it's like well fuck the solution that's big government and it's not just kids man it's like you know there's teachers in that school elderly people that go to school that make sure school happens these are these are your constituents ted i know these are people who fucking vote for you that are like the fucking lunch lady or the fucking school nurse or the you know the janitor or the dean or whatever it is. There's a hundred different people that make a school run and they could be a teacher

or anything else, a groundskeeper, whatever. There's all kinds of jobs that are associated with school and they're not just kids that are getting it. It's, you know, it's adults and it's kids that can pass it. And so like, you know, just making sure that everybody at the school has an opportunity to be vaccinated and not have to do this. And so like, you know, just making sure that everybody at the school has an opportunity to be vaccinated and not have to do this. And then suddenly, you know, you can send your kids to school and then you can go back into the office if you need to or whatever it is. Right. Because now you don't have to worry about also being child care as well as a parent all the time, which most parents had to do for the entirety of last year. Right.

And they could suddenly be like, hey, I'm going to pass my kid off to the school for the eight hours that they're there. And then I pick them up and they're safe while they're there. Like, why are we against this? Why are we against children being safe and people who teach them being safe? What the fuck is happening? We are so entrenched in one person's feelings. One person's feelings that we're willing to do things like put all our children and all their caretakers in danger. In terrible danger. My gosh.

Ow, my anus. Where are we? Huh? I don't know. What are these tracksuits? What are all these people doing? Sounds like they're reading ads. What kind of hellscape is this? I don't know. Maybe just these tracks? What are all these people doing? Sounds like they're reading ads. What kind of hellscape is this?

I don't know. Maybe just start reading our ads. Okay. Can you play some music, Gary? Uh, yeah, I got a good one. I need to... Yeah, that's good. Oh, do you like to get fucked? Well, when you go to adamandeve.com and use code GLORY, you... What? What is that?

Oh, shit. Don't move. Okay. What the fuck? Don't move. Okay. Don't move. I'm not moving, Gary. What is happening? Look, there's a timer. Okay, what does that do? Wait, I get it.

What? Come freeze. Okay. Did you watch that show on Netflix? What is Netflix? I gave you my password. Freeze. Don't move.

I was a little busy. What with the robot uprising and us in trans-dimensional distress. Okay, okay. Sorry I didn't have time to watch porn. Okay. The TLBR is that they can only nut during green light and gotta hold it during red. Oh, how original. So we have to

wait, freeze! Oh, shit! To finish the ad in less than 33 seconds, but only during the green light. So read it! Okay. When you use code GLORY, you get 50% off almost any one item. Then you get 10 awesome items.

Six sexy free move... These. 15 seconds. A free gift for you, a free gift for them, and a gift for both of you to enjoy, plus free shipping. 10 seconds. Use code GLORY. That's G-L-O-R-Y. GLORY at checkout at adamandeve.com

Freeze Wait there's another page 5 seconds We've all heard about The supply chain issues And delivery issues Every day on the news So don't wait on your

Adam and Eve order Shop now Shop early Freeze Was that the end of the ad? No Oh crap Hurry while supplies last

Gary Is that where I go? Time stop Supplies, blasts! Gary! What the? The world? Time stop? Oh, no. Fuck no. We're not going to that show.

Wait, JoJo? How about No-No? We are definitely not going with them. Al? Yo, Ziggy is a biggie. Let's go. I'm not sure we should. What's the worst that can happen?

Uh, we get canceled? Just go. Al, beam me up. That's a different... Oh, crap. Time was doomed. We's the worst that can happen? Uh, we get canceled? Just go. Ow, beat me up. That's a different. Oh, crap. Fine, we're soon. We're the theme music. We're the checkout. we're powering through another year of vulgarity for Charity, and we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the guys who thought of it and invited us along.

Welcome back, Heath, Noah, oh, and Eli, too. Oh, so Eli. He helped. Shake and bake. Mom said we had to break a handle. Yay? My mom shook me so that we could bake this vulgarity for charity. That's right. Also joining us

tonight is a woman who's best described as their abductee. Kara Santamaria. Kara, thanks for slumming with us. Yeah, I mean, I do always love talking to you guys. What I hate is watching god-awful movies before I have to talk to you guys.

So, basically, this is like the best thing you've ever asked me to do. All right. So you all know the game. Folks tossed in a whopping... $212,168.06. Meaning with the match donation that makes it $424,336.12. For modestneeds.org. And we're going to reward those generous folks with a proper scalding Cara.

You're kind of new to this. So for clarity, this is the part of the show where you say what you think out loud. You all smell like anxious roast beef. What? We meant about the roasties, Cara. Well, now you all smell like roast beef and you're bad at giving directions. Okay, whatever. The compliment on roast beef and you're bad at giving directions. Okay, whatever. The compliment on roast beef is delicious

and it smells good. And anxiety is helpful. Kara enjoys us. Go ahead. Accomplished. Sure, whatever. Medical condition. Before we jump right in,

we need to thank our favorite form of donor, those who gave us money without a roast request. Apparently, these weirdos have no enemies and how could they not? They're giving away free money to poor people. So shout out to Christopher F, Sean, Janice W,

Lisa B, Colby, Dustin, Lauren B, and Kate for tossing us some cash. And thanks for hoompsed, Eli, did you write this? Yeah, Eli wrote it. A thanks for hoompsed eli did you write this there is do even more bigness yeah oh right yeah there is daniel john j jenna w derrick d buck and lisa and scott p don't forget rachel k chuck c jesse t jj eric d and adam r how could, and Adam R. How good I am. And of course, Bradley A, Amy

I, Maria, Del, Robert S, and Andrew W. And those are just some of the generous people who donated out of the kindness of their hearts and not the malice in their souls. We'll continue to thank you throughout the drive. I could think of some too if I wanted to. I've chosen not to name other extra people here.

You'll get some when another person writes it. Maybe when you write it. I did and I wrote the next one that we're doing. Let's We all said something in this part.

So if the structure seems like off on the next episode that's Oh! Let's get this going here and yell off the first one's for you.

Before this turns into an all out fight why don't you start us off with diana's cheating ex-hobby yeah so i don't have much to go on physically she said a pic but honestly it looks like it was taken from 600 yards away through a rifle scope at dusk and i give him what it absolutely is i feel like that's how his picture should be taken. But dude, it says a lot when you groom a teenager that's 14 years your junior and still managed to be the childish one in the fucking relationship. You're a pathetic, narcissistic coward

and your neck is so thick, it looks like your head is being squirted out of your rib cage. Now we're going after thick necks. This is great. I feel personally attacked. All right, Heath, You're up next. Taru would like a roast of Christian children's entertainment.

Hi, Taru. What's up? Oh, we just do that for a living. Yeah. So Christian children's entertainment. It's creepy regardless of how you combine those words, like Christian children's entertainment or Christian children's entertainment, like the music bonfire. And the creepiest part is the evil turn

because it's inevitable. Like I read your book. I know it's coming. It's going to be evil soon. So they're doing some cutesy song and following the leader. And God will murder the heathens until their blood runs shoulder deep on a horse.

The leader. Stab your son with a knife right now because God said so. Do it. Do it right now. Stab your son with a knife right now because God said so. Do it. Do it right now. Stab your son. It's terrifying. And Eli,

Janie would like a roast of her co-workers, Jessica and Jonathan. Oh, Jessica and Jonathan look like they're being thrown out of an ethnically troubling tiki bar because he didn't like the way that mechanical bull was looking at himself. They look like the worst thing to happen to a country music festival since the bump.

They're going to have their first child because she took a smarty instead of the morning. Kara, first of many roast requests for you. god damn it Kara first of many roast requests for you Kelly B would like you to roast Simone Gold of America's

Frontline Doctor fantastic okay let's see how I do here so don't let the Doctors Without Borders adjacent name

fool you this person does not work for Doctors Without Borders this person is the idiot who stood outside of the White House in her Halloween adventure lab coat with the demons give you wet dreams lady, remember her? And told everybody how if you take ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, you definitely won't die from COVID. Oh, and she was also one of the coup cosplayers on January 6th. Somehow, Simone Gold survived when 5.2 million innocent people have died worldwide.

Fuck this bitch. She looks like the cryptkeeper dressed up for a date night. The bags under her eyes are so big, I can only assume they're full of all the excess blood that didn't fit on her hands. Shit. All right, Cecil, I got one for you here. Angie would like a roast of her stepfather, Phil. Phil drives

around in a truck all day getting tuned up by conservative radio and then comes home to tell everyone how he finally figured out how Trump can still be president. You see, all you gotta do is not count the illegal votes, guys. That's how you do it. You're an example of how some shower thoughts,

we should just let them go down the drain, man. And your face looks like a high caliber exit wound on ballistic gel filmed at like a thousand frames per second. You look like if Frankenstein's monster were electrified mashed potatoes. Tom, James would like you to roast Brent Davis from his local school board. All right. Brent Davis lost his run for school board by a just barely margin advocating, and I am not actually kidding here, advocating performing actual medical experiments on children. Now, I know what you're thinking, Tom, that can't be true.

This must be hyperbole. It is not hyperbole. Not at all. And this is the part where the inevitable comparisons to Nazis would normally be made. But Brent, he's not even a good Nazi because unlike the Nazis, Brent isn't even trying to answer questions we don't already have answers for. I mean, holy fuck, Brent, at least nazi doctors were actual fucking doctors and to advocate experimenting on kids under the guise of parental choice fuck you brent this may come as a shock but your kids are not yours i mean they are but you don't own them they aren't pets you stupid asshole they are just, super emotional people who haven't become useful yet.

Your job as a parent is to shepherd them through the hazards of life, not to expose them to preventable diseases because a reality TV host and a pillow salesman convinced you to be afraid of the wrong thing. I'm glad Brent lost his bid for school board, but it's not enough. Brent needs to keep losing and losing and losing until he is stripped bare of everything he has ever held dear in his life and then finally be cast away into the trash bin of history with every other failed Nazi. Jesus, does Tom always go that hard? Oh, yeah, you should see him eat a steak. No, you should not.

No, uh-uh, you have to sign an NDA. Change of subject. Kara, you're up again. Maggie would like you to roast people who stigmatize mental health care treatment. Oh, yeah. This dude. And yes, I do mean dude because the women he's converted

to nutbaggery don't count. Hey there, Mr. Therapies for Sissies. If you could stop grinding your teeth for a second long enough to hear me. Hello? You are the one who needs therapy. Like, really badly. There are emotions other than

white-hot rage and horny. And you know that. If culture created by sociopathic rapists wasn't the only form of humanity you've ever been exposed to. You're not a stoic. You're not a knuckle-down hard man. You're not a logical paragon.

You are emotional constipation. And when your shit finally comes unlodged, the stench will be strong enough to distract you for a second from the internal turmoil of going through life with such a tiny little pecker. But just for a second.

Just for a second. I hope they never get the smell out of the seats of your giant pick-em-up truck. That's awesome. All right. Best friend. Not best friends. He told me you guys are best friends. I have a restraining order against him.

Like, yeah. Anyways, Nicole would like you to roast Florida Gators football coach Dan Mullins. Bold fashion choice dressing like the Cajun guy no one understands from the water.

You're six and six overall and two and six in your division. They fired you the second to last game of the season. That's like firing your barber halfway through your haircut

thinking it can't get any worse. When they pick the rankings and you go to the end of the season game, will it be the abominable, the contemptible, or the ineligible? Who knows? Noah, next one's for you. Paul donated 600

freaking bucks for you to roast Hong Shi Kwan, leader of the Taiping Rebellion. Man, even your charity roasts are weird. Not everybody needs a commentary for every roast, Kara. If you're unfamiliar, Hong Shikuan is the guy who

was too dumb for school but excelled as a religious leader. Sorry, let me narrow that down for you. He's the guy whose unbiblical random interpretation of christianity got a fuck ton of people killed sorry still not very narrow at all he's the cult leader who abused his authority to justify a harem while leading a deadly uprising against the ruling authority that had no chance of six fuck he's the chinese joseph smith

i guess that's all the insult anybody really needs so yeah there you go okay heath joe would like a roast of the mediocre white man uh well actually joe joe if that's your real name let me explain something to you let me explain to you how this works some of us are actually meh which is technically better than mediocre and this is podcasting joe this is our goddamn safe space for being toxic without consequences how dare you how dare you my people are being persecuted it is so much less easy for us now. So much. For months now. Months, Joe. Also,

therapy is not real. That's not a real thing. You just have to knuckle down and be a logical paragon and you smush those feelings down like you're muddling an orphan for the adrenochrome and you're fucking fine.

Also, average penis. And I exploded. I explode. My face is... And scene. And that exploded. I explode. My face. And scene. That was my mediocre white man.

Beautiful. Not like that. Eli, Larry would like you to roast Matthew Mercer, the dungeon master of critical role. Oh, look at me. I'm Matt Mercer. And I've been set the arduous task of running an actual

play podcast with voice actors who love dnd fuck you you dm for my players for one session one session you will fly out of your body to go to heaven and kill god for making heat how dare you also quit fucking up the curve for everybody else You did two good seasons You owe us a graduation I want a graduation You're the god of the universe we play in You would think

And Tom Zach would like a roast of Russell Brand I'm not gonna lie I had to look up Russell Brand because I was like What the fuck is a Russell Brand? And then after I watched his shtick for a bit, I thought,

why the fuck is Russell Brand? That's the buzzer. That means it's time for a rapid fire spightening. And since Kara is here, the category is celebrities. Aw, you guys. I'm not a celebrity. This is atheist podcasting.

If you're on TV for a reason other than crime watch, you are a celebrity. Yeah, nice. Or to catch a predator. Ah, beans. It's just you then. Alright. So, for the following famous folks,

I'd like you to tell me what they'll be getting instead of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Big thanks to Nathan, Stephen, and Jeff and Anna.

Ray Romano. Okay, this is a tough one for me because I'm so unfamiliar with Ray Romano that I had to look him up to know who he was. And then he's,

and he's so boring that I forgot who he was while I was reading this Wikipedia article. So maybe instead of a star, he'll get an asterisk? Ooh. Yeah. Very good. Alright, Cecil, why don't you do Scott Adams? Ooh, instead of a star, huh? Should be something that holds

dear. Maybe a replica Trump dick? You know, not a ton of room to write anything, but most people wouldn't be able to distinguish it from a small, wild mushroom. Disney CEO Bob Chapek? Okay, I'll take this one. So

instead of a star, he'll be getting an amorphous blob on the Walk of Fame because he looks like an amoeba went to men's warehouse. Like an amoeba got locked in a mashed potato factory somehow and just like oozed around clump after clump of the mashed potatoes shoved it all through his cell membrane into a vacuole until it became the size of a human being and then took over disney somehow And now he's getting him

into gambling, I think. That's his new business. Crazy shit. Amazing. Idiot. Ivanka Trump. Ooh,

fucked by her dad, right? Maybe another facelift, but definitely fucked by her dad. The cast of Alaskan Bush people. Oh, Jesus.

I don't know. Some kind of Blair Witch grave marker for teens to run away from at a sleepover? And Tom, Troy gave us $1,000 for you to roast the celebrity of Eli's choosing. Oh, Troy, you shouldn't have. Tom, Tom, look me in my eyes. A window to my soul. I want you to feel

this moment. I want you to feel the potential of all the angry tweets if my next two words were Britney Spears. You're canceled. The thoughts you just had thinking about what you would write, you're canceled. Someone's mad at you. They unfollowed you. They're off Patreon. But I'm going to go safer and nearer

and dearer to your heart. Author of Grendel and my mom's first husband, John Gardner. Oh, man. Instead of a star, John Gardner is going to get a motorcycle helmet. Oh, OK. Maybe that's a little too late. Yikes. He died in a motorcycle.

Yikes. He did. He did die in a motorcycle. Oh, my God. That's horrible. Yikes. I know you thought of yourself as kind of like a badass modern American Tolstoy

shattering the boundaries between art and commercialism. And I do unabashedly love your work, but I also kind of wonder if maybe that crashed it and saved the world from the inevitable

insufferable descent into your own navel gazing that surely would have come if you had outlived the handful of good ideas you were accidentally gifted. Oh, Jesus. Poof.

My favorite writer. Well done. All right. Let's get nastier. In Eli's case, let's stay nasty. It's time for a good old-fashioned podcast feud.

First up, John donated 500 bucks for the scathing crew to roast Kara. Oh, no. Oh, that's impossible as I have nothing negative to say about Kara.

Why, I enjoy her company so much that a record of God awful movies that she guests on always manages to take almost twice as long as one. She's not awesome. Where does that time go? I mean, it's not in the final edit,

so seriously, where does it go? I don't know? All right. So, Kara, you want to just sit down for a second, if you don't mind? Take a seat. Yeah,

this is, it's not a roast. It's more of an intervention. It's not pronounced Jif. It's pronounced Jif. You got to stop doing it. Thank you. You're Hitler.

It's pronounced Jif. You are Adolf Hitler. You're Joseph Stalin. it. Thank you. You're Hitler. It's pronounced Gif. You are Adolf Hitler. You're Joseph Stalin. Yes. Agree. Hey. Hey, Kara. Kara.

You're not a nerd. You have a skincare routine and your hair probably smells like apples. Nobody on TV is a nerd unless they're being talked over by an MSNBC host. You have an Emmy. The only nerds that get an Emmy are in a

category none of us know about because they didn't bother showing it on TV. You are the Native American Halloween costume of nerds. And if you had an ounce of integrity in your magically unaging body, you would rename your podcast Nerds Only Chance to Talk

to Me. aging body, you would rename your podcast Nerd's Only Chance to Talk to Me. But don't worry, Cara. Don't worry. We've got some sweet revenge here for you. Nathan donated $200 for you to roast Eli, plus Kyle tossed in an extra $50, so feel free

to make it a good one or do him twice. Yeah, well, if I did that, it would make me the only woman in history willing to do Eli Bosnick more than once. Or at all. Don't get me wrong, Anna got a cute baby out of it, but I feel

like you could have rolled those dice better by making a tampon out of the used tissues in his office. Oh, jeez. So, before I get to my roast. Oh, that wasn't the roast. Keep up, keep up.

All right, before I get to my roast, I have some serious questions. No, I have a serious. Before I get to my roast, I have a serious question because I don't want to overstep any boundaries. Is Eli a legit toddler stuck in an adult's body? Because if he is, the things he does and says and smells are like totally normal. But if he's not, then like, Eli, what the hell is wrong with you?

You were talking to me the other day and you referenced grownups. Like, you were talking to other people as if you aren't one of them. Eli, you are 34 years old. I know, I know. It's a rough 34. And also, you have a kid. You're not a character

on Stranger Things because if you were, it would be significantly easier to outrun than a demogorgon. Oh. And learn the difference between your and your. I've had to correct

like a thousand typos in this episode. Thank you so much. Jesus. So many. Not for you, Heath. not for you heath not for you you lie sit down this is an intervention stealing stealing heath is stealing from our dogs right now and uh tom donated 201 dollars uh for you and i to roast the idea of a dnd podcast

tom so i'm gonna go first here you know that guy you game with? He talks exclusively in Doctor Who quotes. He visits sword museums when he travels. He knows every single official Magic the Gathering ruling since 1994, but he has no idea who the fucking governor is. 92. 92. The guy who has a stain in the exact same spot on every single gaming meme t-shirt. He sounds like the professor on The Simpsons and he

hum-chews his food when you get takeout. That guy needs an audio medium and a megaphone. That's what he needs. D&D is like a paint-by-numbers story written slowly, by committee, and by accident. Maybe if you're part of that committee, you could be forgiven for accidentally thinking this wasn't the least compelling possible way to create something. But holy shit, a podcast of it is listening to other people slowly and by accident tell a paint-by-numbers story

as a committee. Look, I get that 2020 left a lot of people looking for things to do, but come on, bake another loaf of bread. Creating a podcast of you playing games with your friends is either a cynical cash grab or narcissistic masturbatory attention whoring. You know what? Actually it can be both.

It's both. Thank you. All right. Well, now you both have to guess on D and D minus or I won't forgive you. I'm okay with that. I want to come. I can live with myself.

All right. Let's finish up tonight with a few more of our high dollar donors. First, let's get our third highest donor out of the way. Who is, let me see here. Oh, it's us. That's Tom and I. Is that what?

Little old us? It's little old us. Two weeks ago on our live stream, Tom and I offered to match everything donated, and that added up to a total of $3,223. It actually added up to less than that, but we just got so caught up on helping people. We just kept clicking.

Anyway, we just clicked a bunch. Anyway, we would like a roast from Morgan to Ian. No. I'm going. Get off the mic. I'm going. Gary. Hey, everybody.

It's me, Gary. I mean, Morgan. You've never heard my name over on The Scathing Atheist because unlike Ian, my cast doesn't have to constantly tell me how to do my job. There's been a lot of talk about Ian's Grammy. Ian has a Grammy. Wow. A Grammy. First of all's Grammy. Ian has a Grammy. Wow, a Grammy. First of all, Milli Vanilli has a Grammy.

Justin Bieber has a Grammy. And even with that said, Ian doesn't have a Grammy. His parents have a Grammy for their studio. And Ian was there. Saying Ian won a Grammy is like saying everyone in the Twin Towers won a Boeing 767. Plus, he doesn't even have the little gramophone. Shut up, Gary. We were both engineers on it. Well, he was also the mix and master engineer.

You only worked one day. It was a one-day session. Don't get me started on the other Grammy wins. Hey, I had to see his penis. If that doesn't get me a Grammy, what does? It's a deal. I've seen yours. And do I get a Grammy?

And might I say, it's not much to look at. You would know, you fucking Ken doll. Get off me. Stop. Just read the script. Fine. yours and do I get a Grammy and might I say it's not much to look at. You would know you fucking Ken doll. Get off me. Just read the script. Fine. Oh, and Ian, these letters at the front of my words, they're called consonants man and you lower them like a fart that somehow sounded like a gay slur.

What I'm saying is the shows are a little hard to hear or as you'd edit it are to ear you. That wasn't in the script, you fuck. No, fuck you. No, fuck you. What are you laughing at? Why do you get off on this?

What is going on, Gary? Why are they still laughing? I don't know, Ian. 90% of both these podcasts are smelling each other's farts. What is wrong with them? Can't they be nice? No, this is the internet. Hey, Ian? Yeah?

Are we still going to get ramen? No, not anymore. Thanks a lot, Noah. Yeah, thanks a lot, Noah. Ian, you OK? No, Gary, you take it too far sometimes. They told me to say it. I'm feeling.

It's OK. They're just jokes. You can't do more. Yeah. Yeah. It's OK, Ian're just jealous. You can't do more. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay, Ian. Let's don't get wrong. Okay. Wait, who's going to edit the podcast?

Who gives a fuck? Oh, Ian's going to like that. Now, if we sound real quiet or real loud for the rest of the court, you know, you made the right request. All right. How about everybody gives Rachel a proper whomping? Okay, okay. I'll go first.

So Rachel looks like the first thing she noticed about her husband was his monster energy hat. If you say I'd like to speak to the manager three times, Rachel actually appears behind you as a patroness. Yeah, look, I know the idea of a welfare mom is actually a racist trope used by Republicans, but that doesn't mean it's not also Rachel, right? She has seven kids and negative one job since she refused the COVID vaccine. Thanks to Rachel,

I now have to change my political views to say I support a robust social safety net, except in the case of Rachel. Rachel, no one takes a picture of a baby bump when it's number seven. Don't be surprised when someone puts a little loop around your neck and takes you to get neutered because at this point, it's not a little blessing from heaven. It's an invasive species. You're not making little angels.

You're a dollar store crotch fruit 3D printer that runs on Cheetos and canned margaritas. Well, okay, but given her feelings on vaccinations, seven kids does not equal seven eventual adults. Well, you know, she's popping them out like a fucking medieval

peasant with the hopes that at least two of them make it to corn shopping. So good. Oh, hey, Rachel. Also, you don't hate reading. You're bad at it because you're fucking stupid. You can't post on Facebook that you hate read facebook is reading stuff you dumb shit that's like trying to sell a sloppy discorded album of songs all written about how you hate

music you don't hate reading rachel you're just incompetent but that's okay it is it's fine because no one is turning to you for your fucking advice or your deep thoughts. No one is walking around with like WWRD bracelets. You aren't filling theaters full of people hanging on your every word. That's not what you're for, Rachel. You're actually not for anything though. That's the part that sucks for me. It doesn't suck for me. It sucks for you because Because you are nothing, Rachel. You are absolutely, completely, and utterly nothing. The moment your cells finally crumble and give way and begin their grateful sigh of decomposing into something better than you, the process of everyone forgetting you will be already nearly complete.

So whatever makes you happy, you go ahead and go for it, Rachel. Be a forgettable cog in an unextraordinary machine. Nobody ever cares. Cellular death finds its way into the end a lot of the time. Yeah. Real learners begin crumbling. It makes me very happy. If there are philosophy majors in

our audience, they could compile all the roast scripts and do like a really good analysis of our deepest personalities using our roasts. Okay, we got another thousand bucks from Kenny and Kyle's app company to roast people who use RBG-like nicknames.

Yeah, fuck you Ruth Bader Ginsburg. About time we took herames. Yeah. Fuck you, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. About time we took her down a peg. Fuck you. No, just to be clear, Kenny and Kyle said to roast people like Amy Coney Barrett

or Marjorie Taylor Greene who don't deserve the honorifics they try to use like RBG. They use their initials like that. And yes,

those two people are hot, wet garbage. But even worse, people who use all those text message abbreviations, they're just so much more. I hate it so much. IMHO, I fucking hate you. I hate you. Just type a word. You don't even have to type it now.

You could just wave your finger kind of close to the letters on a thing and they pop up for you. But that's the entire messages now in those abbreviations just like f-w-i-w-t-i-l-t-f-y lemon clap hands what i don't know what that is what the fuck are you talking about construct a full thought you lazy piece of shit this is gatekeeping this is this is a microaggression you're gaslighting me. Get off my lawn. Okay, I'm going to take the less obvious

MTG. I'm going to go with Magic the Gathering You Chose. Look, listen to me. Listen to me. Nobody has ever needed to say Magic the Gathering quickly. Just go ahead and say the full name of your card game. I promise it's all going to work out.

All right, all right. Okay, I'm going to take KFC. Really? KFC? The Stone Teenagers and Noah's family on his birthday don't quite have time to pronounce Kentucky Fried Chicken? Who's that for? Like, nobody is eating gravy out of a gun and using leet speak

maybe it's because that greasy shit under the crunchy shit isn't actually like chicken just like tlc no learning is happening on that channel it's to distract people from the fact that it's fried cara all right so i know this isn't on assignment none of us have really been on assignment but to distract people from the fact that it's fried carrots. All right. So I know this isn't on assignment. None of us have really been on assignment, but I'm going to go with people who use the term MMORPG.

Oh my God. For fuck's sake, people at this point, just name the goddamn thing. You know how many unused collections of common English phonemes there are with fewer than six syllables? Honestly, you fucking nerds might actually know that but holy fucking shit if you need to encode all that unnecessary information into the title maybe go with something pronounceable

for fuck's sake initialisms are meant to shorten phrases not long do we need to know that it's fucking massively multiplayer? If it's an online fucking game, it's multiplayer. Do we need to know it's a game if it's... For fuck's sake. Morgue. That fucking works. Morp. That fucking works.

Just take a lesson from whoever coined shmup, you self-important assholes. I don't know. I rather like the 1,000 endless cuts destroying our culture and humanity piece by fucking piece. Let's all just LOL our way into oblivion. Everything should be a fucking shortcut. Nothing is worth spending time on. Oh, communicating with other people in rich and meaningful ways

through a process of heartfelt and honest word choice? Nah, fuck it. Dumb every single thing dumb down to the most efficient, smallest possible package. Let's all be the micro-penises of the communicative world. Technically viable, yet unfulfilling.

All right. How about a pile-on for the people who excused and enabled Alicia and Teresa's abuser? Fuck all your faces. Oh, yeah. We got four of them.

So I'm going to take Pastor Westpastor. Yes, I read that correctly. That's a scam. He's named like a goddamn comic book villain. He's Westpastor the pastor who excused spousal abuse during marriage counseling as the husband reacting to his wife's rebellion against his defined authority. And also looks like George W. Bush's gay porn stunt double. I realize that these holy men siding with your abusers is disgusting and horrible,

but it's not surprising. I mean, in their book, they say that man is made in God's image, and there's no more textbook gaslighting abuser than the Christian God. Also, Reverend John looks like someone made an effigy of the dad from Family Ties out of uncooked sausage. All right, I'll take Reverend Darren Pestnell. He was the lead pastor of this abuser's church. He knew about what was happening, and he completely ignored it to make sure the abuser wouldn't stop making his big donations. And he looks like the concept of a wedgie

came to life as a human being. Okay, okay. I know bullying is a bad thing, but on the other hand... Okay. On the other hand... Yeah, I'm listening.ren he exists yeah excellent he looks like he's always getting a wedgie but here's the problem he's enjoying it which is

so much worse he's ruining perfectly good bullying of him but he's about to drown in his own lung fluid from covid soon so you know probably a happy ending to this whole thing. At least for him. Stephanie is a religious marriage counselor, which is like being an actual counselor, but without the skills or education or authority or credentials. And it shows

because, unsurprisingly, she's just another shill for the patriarchal bullshit designed to protect the fragile egos of toxically masculine dude bros who attend counseling but won't own who they are. And Stephanie not only gives voice to that toxicity, but she excuses it and thereby encourages it. She is the bullshit, spineless dipshit who misses the entire point of therapy, which is to emerge a better version of yourself as a result of the work. And instead, she seeds the entire floor to cowardice

under the guise of pragmatism. Stephanie is the living exemplar of why religiosity is not a substitute for competence and training, but is an impediment to both. My only hope for Stephanie is that she finds herself one day also mired in a quagmire, desperate and afraid and heartsick. And when she goes looking for help,

the life preserver she clings to is another shitty anchor shaped just like her. Damn it. Jesus. So dark. Okay. Sean tossed us $2,000

for us to roast gun culture militia far-right nonsense. Good work, John. Okay. I think every state guard, Fremen on the land, Boogaloo boy, militia member should have to fight one tank. Just one. Hey, we'll put it on national TV. We can pay-per-view it. You take all your fucking fancy fucking doped up hunting rifles and just

go to town on that 60 inches of steel that you absolutely can't get through. And then, and then, the stone teenager representing the bottom third of America's high school population can mow all of you down and make the species stronger.

And that was actually a pretty accurate summary of what happened in Waco, Texas in 1993 right there. Also, by the way, Eli thinks it's paper view, like made of paper that you would write on. That's my favorite thing right there. I'm pretty sure he thinks it's paper. Eli, what does that mean to you? Where is paper involved in that? Well, you got a paper.

It's like tickets. Tickets are made out of paper. Tickets are you got a paper. It's like tickets. Tickets are made out of paper. Tickets are made out of paper. And you buy tickets to The View. Well, the original pay-per-view is that your tickets are made out of paper, by the way. Okay. You're a time trap. Thank you.

Okay, back to the shitty gun culture, boogaloo, whatever the fuck. Your whole theory is based on the idea of defying the government when they make too many rules. Like, for example, no abusing kids in Waco, Texas, or don't spread plagues now, please. Also, well, none of you idiots are aware of this, but that half sentence you memorized badly about being born free, but now in chains all over the world.

That's from The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, who was writing that in 1762. So it has nothing to do with what you're talking about. There are no monarchs in America. You're dumb. If I can't have 200,000 bullet bump stock on my murder stick, I am literally in chains of, I'm a slave of, nope, nope. You're an idiot. You're dumb. Stop talking.

And the US government is going to oppress you whether you fucking like it or not. And I'm glad about that. I hope they have that. All right. So here's what I don't understand. A gun is statistically more likely to kill your kid than anything good that would happen with it. And what's absolutely batshit is that gun owners know this, and then they tell you that they're the ones who are immune to statistics.

Like, if a guy dressed as a clown told you there was a small chance of him killing your kid, you'd beat him to death with a fire extinguisher. But all of a sudden, baby juggling with Bozo is your hobby, and'd beat him to death with a fire extinguisher. But all of a sudden, baby juggling with Bozo is your hobby and you're willing to take that risk. God, imagine a world

where you guys devoted as much time to, like, real problems that exist in the world as the imaginary ones in your fever dreams. Right? Or barring that,

where you just caused fewer real problems by preparing for all those imaginary ones. Or barring that, where you all just died of some mysterious disease that causes you to shit your own lungs out. Stop pretending you're tough. Guns aren't that heavy. Also, guns are not complicated devices. It

takes more coordination to get an ID out of your wallet than it does to be a truck. And you don't look like a predator in camo. You look like a doughy, slightly harder to see Elmer Fudd, whose gun is worth more than his car and it's Volkswagen Wabbit seat.

Oh, hey there, Haagen-Dazs. Running around in the woods and playing paintball with your unemployed friends for six minutes until one of you breathlessly calls for a timeout to have a quick cigarette. That's not militia training, okay? That's fine. We don't need a militia. Hey, in your mind, who exactly is the enemy when you play your weird Second Amendment Fantasy League murder games?

Like, seriously, if you're sitting in your raised ranch in Iowa polishing the receiver on your AR-15 in loving strokes and you're dreaming of the day you're going to defend America from China, you've lost your fucking mind. If China makes their way to Iowa, what the fuck do you think your dime store playthings are going to do against a force that has already overrun our actual fucking army? Do you think then that you're going to be fighting our government?

Do you think that's going to go well for you? No, no. You know that's not why you have your guns. You have them because you're scared and these are your nightlights. These are your fucking wubbies, you big, stupid, violent baby. And you're suckling on the teat of a lobby

that's exploiting your fear and your cowardice, you dumb motherfucker. And you're literally paying them for that privilege. Yeah, it's true. All right, let's finish up tonight with JC who donated $2 thousand dollars to roast whatever the heck we want i'm gonna go first joe rogan looks like a very well-worn rebach pump wished super hard that it could be a real boy

you're a cnc but for mansplainingaining. You're Alex Jones if he ate more kale. Excellent choice. I was going to go with Joe Rogan. I'll take my second choice. Ben Shapiro, whose wife told him a wet vagina is a disease. And he believed her. And he tweeted about it proudly. He's the cure for that disease in our face.

it proudly. He's the cure for that disease in our face. And he looks like a propaganda poster made by a women's activist group against shitty white men. That's what he looks like. He's the cure for female priapism and male. If your erection lasts more than four hours, Google Ben Shapiro, you're fine. Penis, whatever. It'll shrink right back down. You're fine. Are this one's for you, the American healthcare system? You're not even a proper system. Your health outcomes are poor and you don't actually care. You are a failure a million times over every

single fucking day. Feeling sick? Need some help? You better hope you know exactly who to go to and how to get that help because if you have any confusion at all about exactly which subspecialist you should go to for the diagnoses you aren't supposed to have made for yourselves, then you can go ahead and collect $200 and pass go and do the whole fucking thing over again while raw fucking yourself. And no matter how many times you fill out a form or a history or explain to the nurse while you're there, every goddamn visit always starts with the same fucking

question. So what brings you in today? Because they have no idea who you are. Because to everyone at Enormo Corp Medical Group, you are a moment, not a person. You are a complaint devoid of context and stripped of your humanity. Nobody reads your chart except for the briefest possible glance to confirm the simplest possible rubric a moment before bursting into the goddamn room to give you a distracted and disinterested seven minutes before writing a prescription you can't afford for a pill that doesn't work. The whole system is a waiting game designed not to care for you, but to crush your will to continue. Make an appointment, wait weeks or months, order tests, more waiting, results came back, you need more help, fuck you then. You'll need to do that work yourself because nobody's going to call you and

nobody's working on the problem because nobody gives a shit about you even when you pay them to. And for all this runaround and indifference, you have the unique privilege of paying the highest cost in the developed world for a distinctly, objectively, measurably low standard of care. Don't get me wrong. I love modern medicine, but our artificial scarcity of doctors being run through an unnecessarily cruel and Byzantine system only to emerge deeply siloed into ever more specific subspecialties available only to a moneyed and privileged few who can outwit and outlast the system is not a system worth keeping and definitely not one worth celebrating. Amen, brother. Well, I was going to go with the American health care system and Ben Shapiro. Well, I was going to go with the American healthcare system and Ben Shapiro. My fourth choice is Dave Chappelle, who can twist his own dick off with a pair of vice grips.

I'm thinking maybe when he abandoned his hit show and upended a business that at least scores of people other than him were depending on financially, maybe we were a little too quick to accept this 43 contradictory self-aggrandizing excuses. I don't know. Maybe it's just a shitty fucking person that skyrocketed to fame when ho-ho weed is all we asked of our comedy and he stayed there because white dude bros were allowed to laugh at racism

if he did. So I'm going to roast a little something very near and dear to my heart this week. Tamiflu. Tamiflu. Tamiflu, if you're not familiar, because you're a normal person with a body that works, is what they give you when your fat and your heart beats like fucking Rush Limbaugh trying to climb the stairs out of hell. And it makes your flu last two days left, maybe.

But actually what it does is it makes you fucking vomit. days left maybe but actually what it does is it makes you fucking vomit it's the fucking ivermectin as punishment for eating too many marshmallow pizza at four o'clock in the morning while you stare at the refrigerator get a better drug what the fuck are you tamiflu oh don't double up on your medication because this will fucking kill you maybe i shouldn't take it at all then tamiflu or maybe i should just have the flu. Fucking. Is Tamiflu a medication for flu? Yeah. Yeah. Is it going well for you or no?

It's not going well. He's finding out that boost your immune system doesn't mean what the hippies think. And yeah, and yeah, before everyone fucking writes to me, of course I got a fucking flu shot. Everyone got a fucking flu shot, assholes. They don't work.

That's why I have the flu. They don't fucking work. Look at the effectiveness of the fucking flu shot. And then you look me in my fat eyes and tell me as I vomit for the 27th time today that I should have gotten a flu shot. I got a flu shot. Poor Eli.

You're like, he didn't get a flu shot? They do work. You saw the little asterisk underneath when you got your flu shot that said, works I feel like he didn't get a flu shot. They do work. You saw the little asterisk underneath when you got your flu shot that said works for everyone but Eli, right? Yeah. Not for Eli. By design.

Feature not a bug. All right. That's what my doctor said. As long as you're not a toddler in an adult's body, this will definitely be for you. This is medical marvel over here. This one is for all the racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic,

transphobic, ableist, ageist, misogynistic, alt-right assholes out there. Fuck you! I'll second that. That's it. That's all you get. Two votes. Alright, thanks guys. Thank you so much, Kara, for joining us, and thanks

Noah, Keith, and Eli. And thanks, listeners, for cracking $400,000. $400,000. God damn. This is pretty damn good. Thank you so much to the Puzzle on the Thunderstorm crew,

Noah, Heath, and Eli for coming on and doing Vulgarity for Charity. You can catch them all the time. They have four other podcasts every week. They do GAM, God Awful Movies. They do Scathing Atheist. They do Skeptocrat.

And they also do D&D Minus. And then they do a podcast with us, Citation Needed. And if you have fun, listen to us talk and make fun of each other and make fun of other people for money on vulgarity for charity. And you think that's a fun segment. You should check out citation. Citation needed is an absolute blast.

It's so much fun. We have such a great time. And, uh, and actually, you know, we get messages all the time that say, you know,

you guys sound like you have a lot of fun doing it. We really do. We do. We really do enjoy it. So it's a great time. So come check out citation needed with the puzzle guys. And also, thank you to Kara, Santa Maria for joining us for Vulgarity for Charity

the guys recorded this outro earlier so they didn't know Cara would be on this one make sure to check out Cara Santamaria's podcast at talknerdy.com and her twitter at Cara Santamaria and apparently there's also another podcast she's on um oh that's my baby coughing in the background

so okay thanks again we want to thank of course everybody who donated we're going to continue on doing these roasts we're going to be done with them in a couple Oh, that's my baby coughing in the background. So, okay. Thanks again. We want to thank, of course, everybody who donated. We're going to continue on doing these roasts. We're going to be done with them in a couple of weeks. We're going to finish out- So much better than a couple of years. So much better than a couple of years. That's like a 50 second of the time it took us.

We're going to do them right in a row though. So we're going to get rid of it. We're going to wind up going through all of these as quickly as we can because we want to make sure that everybody who paid to have a roast, here's their roast in a timely fashion. So in the next couple of weeks, they'll all be done. We'll finish them well before the end of the year. But we want to thank everybody

who donated in the drive. You raised a lot of money for Modest Needs, and it's a really amazing thing. We're not going to do email, and we're not going to do patrons this week. We recorded this a little early because we were going to be gone this week. We recorded this a little early because we had to, we were going to tell him and I were going to be gone this week. So, so we want to, we want to just close out the show next week. We will be doing email.

We'll be doing patrons. So send us your messages and we will be reading all the patrons the last couple of weeks, but that is going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics. Creed credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter. Mommy hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy

healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales, late night info docutainment, Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this.

The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.