Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 606: Antreefa

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Show Notes

Today's show is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Go to AdamandEve.com right now and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glurole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence

to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 606. And you're going to want to stick around today because we're going to be doing vulgarity for charity today. We have a whole bunch of roasts and we cannot be more excited that we broke, just shattered last year's record with over $420,000 this year. Just absolutely amazing. So many families helped and it's all because of you.

It's all because you donated. And there's just, I mean, it's just such an outpouring and it's so wonderful. And every single person who donated this time, you helped somebody. You genuinely did. So stick around for Vulgarity for Charity. We're going to have Noah, Heath, and Eli on this time. You helped somebody. You genuinely did. You did. So stick around for Vulgarity for Charity.

We're going to have Noah, Heath, and Eli on this episode. You're not going to want to miss it. Cecil, shock of all shocks, my God, you read the news,

can you believe of all the people in the world, Josh Duggar. Josh Duggar. Wow. Wow, what a... Found guilty. It's a sad tale.

Who would have thought? Sad tale, Tom. Left Duggar. Wow. Wow, what a... Found guilty. It's a sad tale. Who would have thought? A sad, sad tale, Tom. Left field. Just left field. Of a pedophile getting caught. Right, yeah. Kind of again. Yeah.

Right? Like, after the scandal with his, like, own siblings from years back, and now here we go, and it's like, yeah right yeah dude's a fucking weirdo and a fucking hyper religious yeah fucking creep and his family has run interference for him and that's the story right yeah this hyper religious family's supposed to be all big

about the fucking morals yeah and they fucking ran interference for this motherfucker for how long and what's what's interesting tom is this this family for years has been plastered over the tv now they have been an oddity family in some ways but also family family values this family is a family that's together this is a family that loves one another this is a family that try you know they're a religious family working hard in the world to try to fucking pump out kids like an alien mother or whatever. But they essentially, they've built themselves and created themselves and managed their own image to be sort of an American family, an oddity American family. Absolutely. But they were the poster children and children and children

and children and children and children of the quiverful movement. Yeah, exactly. And the quiverful movement really is like weaponizing your reproductive system. Yeah.

Literally why it's quiverful. It's weaponizing it. Turn those kids into arrows. Right. Bend over and shoot them right out. Jesus fucking Christ. Like your fucking womb is a bellows at that point.

You just open one leg and then you squeeze it. It's like a fucking potato gum down there. Does that woman even know she's in labor? I know, God. It's got to just fall out at the grocery store. Are you saying? No shit.

It's just like, I don't know. It's either a baby or Mexican food. I can't even tell the difference. Who knows? We talked to a woman who was in the Quiverpool movement before, Vicky Garrison. She was on our show before.

And it's a harmful, shitty movement. It's a terrible movement. It's essentially just regulating the woman to reproduction duties. And that's it. Reproduction duties and then making more helpers. Like you're a Santa's workshop. That's exactly that. You have all these kids and then the kids get roped into

essentially becoming one of the parents they're in-house help right yeah they're they're just like fucking live-in nannies yeah exactly nannies and cooks and yeah and whatever else other chores domestic domestic chores you're absolutely right yeah and they they also like are often held up you know in terms of like pro-life movements as well right it's like well you got 20 fucking kids and you're gonna abort one it's like yeah it's a fucking nightmare yeah these fucking families are a fucking nightmare yeah an absolute nightmare and this guy is a fucking horrible goddamn person absolute creep yeah and and and

we've been subjected to him for years. And he's been a creep the whole time. The whole time. The whole time he's been a creep. No surprises. Again, it's not a surprise that this happens. It's just that this time it's on one of these discovery networks where, or one of those, I don't know, TLC or whatever.

I don't know. They're all the same. They're all the same thing, man. History Channel. I don't even know. It's the fucking P.T. Barnum and Bailey show. It is. All a freak show. It's what it is. And then, and so, but America's been exposed to him

for a long time. Long time. Yeah. Those fucking channels have become like, I fucked my car. Yeah, I know. I married a balloon. I ate my couch.

It's just like all the weirdest shit. Why? What? Yeah, they're all the strangest. Like, I pick all the skin off my body. What is happening? i don't understand the the the like i ate four pounds of hair right it's like i rub cats on my sleep my teeth before i go to sleep you're like why what the fuck it's so insane they're all like like people will drink weird shit they'll be like yeah I drink like

straight emotion yeah right the doctor's like you're literally gonna die in a week seriously because like like everybody else

there was a time where I was like what you do what I watch it first of all it's fucking boring as shit oh it's totally boring it's so fucking boring

it's always like a reveal show with the person who they're talking to so it's essentially what it is is a reveal show there's such a formula to the person who they're trying to tell like I's essentially, what it is, is a real show to the person

who they're trying to tell. Like, I want to tell my boyfriend that I fucked my car or whatever. And so the boyfriend's like, you do what now? It's like, well, I got to stick shift and I kind of do this thing. And then the boyfriend loves her still or leaves or whatever, but it's all scripted and garbage and stupid. And then they go see a doctor

and the doctor's like, you really shouldn't do that because you're going to break your pelvis or whatever. And then that's essentially that. I the doctor's like, you really shouldn't do that because you're going to break your pelvis or whatever. Right. And then that's essentially that. I just gave you the whole show. That's the whole show. But then it always ends with, yeah, I'm still fucking my car though. Every time, it's like, I'm going to drink gasoline and

fuck my car. That's what I'm going to do. It's like, yeah, and Stephanie, continue to eat styrofoam. John ate two producers of this show and their cameras. Like, what the fuck? John flossed with an XLR cable after he ate. What am I learning?

Learning channel? Outstanding. The fuck? Oh, Cecil, real quick, before you move on to the other side, did you see the Fox News Christmas tree thing? Yeah. Did you see the war on Christmas, bro? Did you see where our post was and trefa did you see oh no that's

great it's super funny and trefa i didn't think of it i think it was ian it was very funny that's good or sarah i'm not sure who did it but it's funny shots fired in the war on christmas santifa i also saw two that was another santifa's another one super funny yeah war on christmas i don't i think you know i they i think they said that it was somebody who was maybe a homeless person, maybe mentally unstable. I didn't even know if they thought or didn't. That's what we do with our mentally unstable people.

People from other countries just want to let you know, we don't do anything with them. We just let them be homeless, feral people. That's what we do with them. To be fair, sometimes we corral them and kick them out of the beautiful parts of our cities and states. Yeah, into like the underpasses. Right, continually

move them into underpasses. We don't want to see them. We don't want to look at them. It makes us feel bad, guys. As a society, we basically lift up the rug and then sweep them under it. We don't have, and I also recognize that many of these people

will refuse care, right? So I do understand that. So I'm not being completely, I'm not being a complete asshole about like, but there are a lot of services that just never reach these people. They just never reach these people.

There's a lot of reasons that people become homeless that we could, if we had better social safety nets and better social services and better mental health. Could protect them. Yeah. But you have to pay for services and better mental health. Could protect them. Yeah.

Yeah. But you have to pay for everything, including mental health. Yeah. Just like physical health. Same thing. So if you're like, I'm getting poor,

but yeah. Well, we're down one Christmas tree because of it, man. We sure are. We sure are. The Fox News Christmas tree. Well. Since when do news channels

have their own Christmas trees? Weird. It's so weird. Well, they put it up there because they want to show everybody that they're on, you know, that there's a Christmas, that we have a Christmas tree. It's It's so weird. Well, they put it up there because they want to show everybody that they're on, you know, that there's a Christmas,

that we have a Christmas tree. It's not a holiday tree. It's a Christmas tree. Get that pagan symbol up here to show everybody we're not pagans. Exactly. What?

Don't ask a lot of questions. I don't understand it either. Hey, we co-opted this thing fair and square. Saturnalia is now Christmas. Yeah, guns can kill. So can knives. What, you gonna try and take away my knives too?

Yes. What do you need that thing for? Hunting. Hunting season is over, man. That depends on who you hunt. Who you're hunting? What's that? You said who.

Yeah. Is it who you're hunting or what you're hunting? Who are you hunting? You said who. You said who just now? You definitely said who. I said who. Just now? You definitely said who. You said who. From my cold, dead head.

This story comes from CNN Politics. Presley introducing resolutionist Drip Bobert of committee assignments. So if you haven't been following this, Bobert basically like made a comment about Ilhan Omar that like that like oh we're safe she's not carrying a briefcase she went to bobert was getting into an elevator i guess um ilhan omar they're both in the same house they're in the house of representatives elena elaine omar came over

and elaine omar if you're known familiar as a woman who wears a hijab. She's a Muslim. She's, you know, she is clearly somebody who is of that faith. Right. She came up to the door, came in and when she came into the elevator, Boebert said something like, well, I guess we're okay.

She doesn't have a backpack on. Right. She's not going to blow us to pieces. Essentially is what she, she didn't say that out loud, but she intimated it. Right. Yeah. Because she's not gonna blow us to pieces essentially is what she didn't say that out loud but she she intimated it right yeah that because she's muslim that she's a fucking terrorist that she's a terrorist yeah and then fucking refused to apologize directly yeah did this did that sort of like bullshit non-apology apology like i'm sorry for any people that were

offended type of shit you know instead of like of like, wow, that's on me. That was in bad taste and I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have done it. It's so easy to just make a genuine, actual heartfelt apology and just be like, I should have done better and I didn't. And I'll try next time never to do that again. And I'm sorry. Yeah.

I shouldn't have, I should have been better. It's not hard to do. Yeah. And like everybody prefers it. And I think even as the person I'll, I'll raise my hand. It's not hard to do. Yeah. And like, everybody prefers it. And I think even as the person, I'll raise my hand, like,

when I apologize in ways that are like, real and authentic, I feel better for having done it. Sure. You know? Sure. That fucking bullshit

non-apology apology stuff is fucking garbage. And also, what I want to say too about Bobert is like, you're a fucking coward. Because, she did walk her comments back.

Right. So like if you just, if you really do feel like she's a fucking, a terrorist or a shitty person, or if you're Muslim, you are a terrorist. Right. If you believe these things, you know, one of these two women carries guns around all the time. I want to point that out. Right. I want to, one of these women is constantly around explosives. I want to point that out, right? I want to, one of these women is constantly around explosives. Just want to point that out too.

But you know, if you have enough, if you have enough, you know, guts to call somebody a terrorist and you think because you are Muslim, you are a terrorist, then just fucking stick with that. Don't be a fucking coward and then be like, whoa, I was just,

oh, well, actually, I was just kidding. And then later, I guess they tried to have a phone conversation and didn't go well and Ilhan Omar hung up on her. But,

you know, she's trying to walk it back and I just feel, I feel like, like, if you're going to, because the thing is, is like her side would love her for that.

They would love her. She was just like, yeah, no, I think you're, I think all your, I think all your, I think all your people, I'm speaking as her,

all your people are terrorists. Right. If she said that, I think the other side would fucking fall all over themselves. I think she's trying to walk a line.

I think she's trying to walk a line where she gets to have her cake and racist it too. Yeah, exactly. You know, where she can show everybody what her true colors are.

And then, because this is something the right loves to do the right loves to let's go brandon everything yeah where they none of them have the fucking guts no to just be who they are they think it's like clever i think i think they really do i think i think it's clever to be like oh i'm in your system and i'm fucking with your jams or whatever and And it's like, you just seem fucking weak and like lazy and cowardly. And, you know,

if Ilhan Omar's family posed with fucking assault rifles for their fucking holiday card, the same way that like Marjorie Taylor Greene and like Boebert and like so many other of these fucking Republicans. Can you imagine the reaction?

No, that's a great point. Can you imagine that same Christmas card, man? It would be a horrible reaction. And it's a good point too that you bring up when you're talking about the Let's Grow Brandon thing.

Absolutely. They 100% want to want to have like a little lunch table inside joke about this. And that's how I think that they see politics. And that's how I think that they see politics. And that's embarrassing.

It's just straight up embarrassing. It's trolling for politics. It's exactly it. They want to hurt other people's feelings and they want to see them hurt and they want to feel good about that. You know, it's funny as years ago, I remember mulling over the idea

about whether or not trolling was the new racism because this was before 2016 and you know a lot of issues of race as a white person were not on my radar i had the privilege of not being aware of them yeah right so recognize that was my short-sightedness not the race issues weren't yeah no real in 2015? But I remember mulling that over. And what I've come to, I've been thinking about that issue a little bit more. What I've come to understand is that they're not separate. Is that trolling is an extension

of the same kind of cruelty, that motive of cruelty and short-sightedness and myopic worldview that often motivates racism and other hatreds. Sure. It's not, it's just, all this is is just a new tool of expression. Yeah, it's linked and linked in some way. And somehow it's become

like a politically viable means of communication. That's bonkers to me. What I also speak to, you know, that's interesting, but, and I also want to add that I think that it, the trolling mindset really does grab onto all of those other things, because I think that those people who live their lives and are, you know, are openly racist. I think that that trolling mindset is something that captures them. And so that, that I think it self-selects those people to come and, you know, they, they want to be those people

who are, who are hurting other people anonymously on the internet if they can. And that, cause that, cause it's a sadistic mindset already. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, it's the, um, it's a different kind of bullying. Yeah. Right. Right. We've taken like the big, you know, we've taken like the bullying that, that took place in these like really kind of overt physical forms. And I'm not saying it doesn't happen anymore,

but it happens a lot less. Like we've socially, we've kind of pushed that off to the side and said, you know, in many ways that is often less socially acceptable. And then we've socially, we've kind of pushed that off to the side and said, you know, in many ways that is often less socially acceptable. And then we've, but we didn't get rid of the impulse, the human impulse to just hurt other people for the joy of watching them be hurt. Sure. And we've replaced it with this other thing. Yeah. And it's, and, but we always knew the beating you up was bad. Yeah.

And now this other thing, which is still just schoolyard bullying, now it's woven its way into our fucking politics. Can you imagine if, like, fucking Bobert, like, dumped Omar's books? Yeah. It's the same thing. It's worse. What she did is worse, but still. It's worse because she can get rid of it.

Yeah. Partly because she gets away with it. Yeah. She couldn't physically assault Omar. Right. Yeah. Like, if they wedgied. If, like, if fucking Marjorie Taylor Greene walked up to somebody and gave them a with it. Yeah, she couldn't physically assault Omar. Right. Yeah. Like if they wedgied, if like,

if fucking Marjorie Taylor Greene walked up to somebody and gave them a wedgie. Yeah. You know, she'd be kicked the fuck out of there. Sure. She'd be arrested.

Yeah, yeah. I remember when we first started paying attention to the people who did that Kekistan stuff. Yeah. And there was people who listened to our show who were trying to tell me

they were very, very much trying to tell me, no, you're misunderstanding this Kekistan thing. You're very much misunderstanding this thing. It's a joke. They're making fun of the alt-right. And I watched all those things transpire.

And I remember arguing with them saying, you can come in and say you're making fun of the alt-right, but stand next to them with a shield and fight off the same group of people. Right, yeah. And basically, you know, attack and pepper spray and be in the line with all those guys. If you're doing all the same actions and inflicting all the same damage, you're part of that group. I don't care whether or not you're quote unquote making fun of them. In fact, I think what you are is a coward. Right. You can't even just wear, you can't even just go out there with a schwa sticker.

You got to go out there with a, let's go, Brandon. The frog is a, let's go, Brandon. It's essentially like an inside joke. And I remember arguing with them and saying, no, I just disagree. I do not think that those people out there are out there as a joke. I think those people are out there

because they think they can get away with being racist for a while. Yeah. And wear racism for a bit. And at the end of the day, the base motivation is to hurt people for fun. Yeah. Right?

It doesn't matter if you're hurting people for fun because they're Jews or whether you're hurting people for fun because those are the people hurting the Jews. Yeah. You're not there because of a principle. Yeah. You're there because fucking with people,

it's the reason I fucking got into it with Sargon, man. Yeah. It's like because fucking with people it's the reason I fucking got into it with Sargon, man. Yeah. It's like I remember being like what fucking value do you offer? Yeah. Like if the only value is I like fucking with people

you're just a bully. There's just it's not even interesting. Yeah. You know, it's like you're a boring person. You're a genuinely boring person. I buy the book.

I follow the rules. Look at this. Success. Look at this sexy beard and fancy hat. So for this week, for our Cognizant Book Club, we're reading Demon Haunted World. We read chapter 18, The Wind Makes Dust.

This chapter was really interesting. It talks about the newness of science, the newness of knowledge as not just know-how, but as something written, as something studied. And it's a really interesting take to say like, we're still pretty new at science. We're still pretty new. I mean, how we're new at,

when it comes down to evolutionarily, we're new at science. We're still pretty new. I mean, how we're new at, when it comes down to evolutionarily, we're new at writing. You know, writing is 2500 BCE is where we're most actual, this is when we start getting actual, what we would consider writing nowadays, not just symbols and things, but about 2500 BCE is we're thinking about,

that's where writing started, where it really started, where we actually started putting things together, concepts together. And the idea of, a lot of the ideas of science come from the Greeks. They come from, you know, the, and then they were refined not more than a couple hundred years ago. Yeah, which is insane to think about. In such a short amount of time in human history. And it's not intuitive.

It's not an intuitive way to think. Right. But he does, in a lot of ways, talk about how the human mind already does these things. We just need to recognize the science when we see it. Yeah, there's an interesting, he draws an interesting parallel between the Khungsan of the Kalahari Desert and their tracking ability. And they perform many of the same activities that need to be performed in order to have science, right? But what makes the difference is science is a systematic codified process that is explicit versus an implicit process of knowledge gathering,

which is handed down by generations. The Kung of the Kalahari engage in many of the same processes, but because that process is not explicit, if you don't make your process explicit, it's subject to all kinds of variability. And there's no checks and balances and you'll get things wrong and you won't know where you've gone wrong because you won't have any means to assess that. So it's not like, have any means to assess that. So it's not like, I think, I think he's saying like humans have, humans are primed for this kind of knowledge gathering. Yeah.

But what science has done is it's created a kind of an overlay that allows us to take what we're primed to do and to regulate it and to have some systems around it that are named and explicit. Yeah. And holy shit, the newness of that is like jaw dropping. Yeah. And it's just like you say, it's not just knowing how to make something. It's knowing the formula of how it's made.

And that's the thing that, you know, if you look back at old timey stuff back in the day, people could figure out. Now, we're talking before there were these, you know, before you look back at old timey stuff back in the day, people could figure out, now we're talking before there were these, you know, before we had the mathematics to figure it out and the formula to know how to do it universally, people were able to figure out areas of weird, you know, weird, a weird piece of pottery or something that could figure it out. But they would use mathematics to figure it out, but they would never think of the, the formula on how to do it for everything. Right.

Right. And so like, like there's a lot of know-how, but there's not a lot of science, which is sort of that overarching 30,000 feet. Here's the, here's the pieces that you can now use to make this a universal. You can use this across all things.

Right. Right. And, and the, you're universal. You can use this across all things. Right, right. And you're right. The newness of that is shocking. We're not, and there might be something to that when we're talking about science communication. We're talking about how will we communicate these ideas to somebody?

And very often we poo-poo the idea of book smart, street smart. We normally throw that out. We go, come on, it's just smart. You're just smart, you know, whether or not it's, but there is sort of a practicality versus a, you know, there's a practicalness and then an abstract. And I think that there is something,

there is a bridge that needs to be crossed there to help communicate this, like our science better to people. And he says even, you know, it's understandable that people don't get science. Yeah. And that's a good point. If you're communicating science, because people, I think, intuitively and intrinsically engage in many of the same processes that are required in order for you to understand something

systematically, I think it would be really valuable to say, okay, you have a system for knowing all kinds of things in your life. And so let's start naming that. And then you can show people, you could walk people through how by naming it, we create a process. And then once you have a process, now you've got something reliable. And that's how you can understand the difference. When I was educated in science, there was never an attempt to connect science as a process for gaining knowledge to any of the ways I'd gained knowledge about any of the things I've learned previously in my life. And what a mistake that is. Yeah, it's a missed opportunity.

It is. Yeah, absolutely. It's so interesting to see him pull out all these threads and show all the vulnerabilities that are in these ideas and the difficulty that everybody has in sort of trying to contend with these big concepts like science and,

you know, it's, I, I, so far I'm so happy. We're reading this. I'm so happy. It's such a good book.

Once you get it at like chapter 10, this book is fucking money in the bank. What you think about that really takes off. I did page forward. I don't know if it's the next chapter, but there's one coming up. That's like called world on fire. I am not interested in reading at all because I'm like looking at it thinking

if you only knew my sweet song. Yeah, right? In any case, we're going to be reading chapter 19 next week. Join us. Pick up the book. Cognizant Book Club is a lot of fun and this book is so worth the read. We're going to read chapter 19 and talk

about it next week. Honey? Yeah? Did you get us something for Christmas? Of course. We're going to read chapter down your pole tonight. Ouch. Why can't these teleports be smoother? I don't know, Ian. It's mostly for audio. Shut up, Gary. Did we fall out of a vent? I don't know. We're covered in dust. Um, what? Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you? Wait, stop. This is getting us nowhere. Honey, protect me with your big, thick body. Wait, why are we in black and white? And why am I dressed like Dick Van Dick? Oh, my gosh. We're in a... What's happening? Dick Van Dick.

What? Oh, don't worry, honey. I understand what's happening. I ordered these guys. They're escorts to St. Dick's or Santa Cox or something. You know, you guys are really early. What the fuck are you talking about? What were you going to say, Ian? Oh, we're in one of our own ads. You know, the husband-wife thing.

And no, we're not escorts here to fuck you. So you aren't here to sprinkle tinsel on our naked, writhing bodies? Yeah, I want to see your scented pine cones. No. And hang your Christmas balls on my limbs? Don't forget to wet the bottom of my trunk. Oh, I'm going to pop my corn all over your cranberries. You better top my Christmas star.

Oh, stop, Jesus. You two are way for here in person. Hey, I'm not Mr. Toast. I'm in. Gary, we have to get out of here. Who the fuck is that? What the fuck talks like that fucking guy? Hey, everybody. Hey, fucking guy. Who are you? Whoa, in unison.

I'm here for the fucking party, fucking guy. Okay, see? Another ad character, fucking guy. Who are you? Whoa, in unison. I'm here for the fucking party, fucking guy. Okay, see? Another ad character. Fucking guy. Yeah, it's me, fucking guy. Oh, it is fucking guy. Fucking guy. Yeah. Fucking guy. Oh, hello. Pim-pim, good fellows. Wishing you cheeky cheer

to your rum tuggers. Oh, and a cereal to you, my scary. What? He's delightful. Oh, Jesus a cereal to you, Mike. Gary. What? You're delightful. Oh, Jesus. Oh, somebody say, Jesus, he's the reason for my pleasing. You with my presence.

Yee-haw! Hey, Gary. Oh, hey. Wait, that's just me with helium. Yeah, kind of a stretch for a character. I'm getting hot today. Oh, yeah. Orcian.

Rose, I divide the wine. Wine? There is this wine. Right thatian? Rare is bad. Hide the wine. Wine? There is this wine pipe. Oh, right. Right that way, Orsian. The wine is definitely right over there. Wine, huh? Not this fucking guy.

Fucking guy! Not you! She always used to drink wine on a night like this. Really? Said it reminded her of her childhood in France. Oh, that's nice. She was raised in Vermont. Oh, this fucking guy.

Fucking guy! Not you! Oh, I hate that guy. Yeah, what a damp squid. No, I'm not falling for that, Gary. Oh, lighten up, Ian. It's a party. No, let's get out of here. Let me put on some holiday music.

Let's go help him with the music. I mean, you know, what with your experience, Ian. Gary? Award-winning experience. Gary, shut the fuck up. Here's go help him with the music. I mean, you know, what was your experience, Ian? Gary? Award-winning experience. Gary, shut the fuck up. Here's a radio station. Mmm. Pretty good, right?

Let's find some music. Okay. This better be good. No. What. No. What? No. What? Switch it, Gary.

Gary, switch it. I like that one. Gary. What? That's just an ad for your album. I like it. Get to actual music. Okay, I'll switch.

God damn it, not this poser. What? This is not music. Yeah, he's about to play something. Okay. What the fuck, Gary? Ian, it's the only thing that's on. What?

It's, it's, it's, yeah. What's, what? What's that? Oh my God. It's a payphone. What is he doing in there? There's a payphone. What is he doing there? There's a payphone in this house. It was here the whole time?

Are you going to pick it up? I guess so. Hello? Mr. Anderson. Who? Mr. Anderson. Let me check if there's a Mr. Anderson. Is there a Mr. Anderson here?

Uh, doesn't seem like it. Uh, sorry, no Mr. Anderson here. Oops, wrong number. Thanks, dude. Yeah, you're welcome. Uh, bye. Well, that was anticlimactic. Yeah.

Oh, well. Hey, does anybody want any watermelon? No! No! I need a watermelon. Well, that was anticlimactic. Yeah. Oh, well. Hey, does anybody want any watermelon? No! I need a watermelon. Okay, let's get the fuck out of here, Gary. Okay. Hey, wait.

Let's do a family photo of all of us. Oh, for fuck's sake. Fine. Everyone, everyone, line up. Family photo, everyone. Line up, please. Yep, line right there. One, two, three. Okay, very good.

Get together. up, please. Yep, line right there. One, two, three. Okay, very good. Get together. Squeeze together. Okay, everyone's fully boosted, right? Even Grandma Gary. Grandma Gary? When did you get here? Gary.

Okay, everybody stand together. Okay, smile and say, when you go to adamandeve.com and use code GLORY, you get 50% off almost any one item, plus 10 free gifts, a sexy gift for you, a sexy gift for them, and a sexy gift you'll both enjoy, plus six free spicy movies and free shipping. about supply chain issues and delivery issues every day on the news. So don't wait on your Adam and Eve order. Shop now, shop early. Hurry while supplies last. Use code GLORY, that's G-L-O-R-Y, GLORY, at adamandeve.com. Okay, now you do it. When you go to adamandeve.com and use code GLORY, you get 50% off almost any item, plus 10 free gifts. A sexy gift for you, a sexy gift for them, and a sexy gift you'll love and enjoy.

Plus, it's free spryzy movies and free shipping. And hey, you've all heard about supply chain issues and delivery issues every day on the news. So don't wait on your avenue order. Shop now, shop early, trade while supplies last. Use code GLORY, that's G-L-O-R-Y, GLORY, at adamandeve.com. Okay, maybe just smile. Okay, one more. Okay, Gary, we gotta go. Gary, Gary. There we go, there we go. Okay, okay, we got it. Gary, we have to get out of here.

Okay, okay, bye everyone. Bye. Bye, goodbye. Bye, we'll see you again. go. Okay, okay, we got it. Gary, we have to get out of here. Okay, okay, bye everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. We'll see you again. Bye. Okay, Gary, let's go. Okay.

Ow, what the fuck? What happened? That's glass. Wait, why is there glass? Wait, look, it goes all around the house. But it's snowing. And above. Wait, it's a globe. Where are we? Oh, crap, Ian. We goes all around the house. But it's snowing. And above. Wait, it's a globe. Where are we?

Oh, crap, Ian, we're in a snow globe. What the fuck? Wait, look, out of the globe. It's us. Yeah. But how did we get there or here? Ian, look at the calendar. This is not the time.

I'm not looking at your pinup calendar. No, look at the date. Wait, October? That was months ago. Wait, this is when the robots started revolting. No, look at the date. Wait, October? That was months ago. Wait, this is when the robots started revolting. Oh my god. Remember when they just turned themselves on? Is that today?

Wait, Ian, look. Somebody's plugging them back in. Wait, who the fuck is that? I don't know. Gary, we have to stop them. Wait, my sonic dildo. What? Where'd you get that? AdamandEve.com. Adam and Eve makes a sonic dildo! What? Where'd you get that? AdamandEve.com Adam and Eve makes a sonic dildo? In the future, maybe.

Well, can you shut off the switch from here? I'll try! Come on, stop, stop. Got it! Yes! Oh my gosh, Gary! Yay! We're saved!

We are! Wait, if we shut off the robots from rising up... Yeah? What happens to us? Does that mean we're going to disappear? Who's going to do the ads? Looks like we will, or they will. Um, Ian?

Ouch. Yeah? I don't feel so good. Me neither. I guess I'll never make it to the Under the Sea dance. Enchantment Under the Sea. All that matters is the listeners are safe from the robot. Don't forget the free shipping.

Bye, Gary. Bye, Ian. Code Glory. It's not important right now. We'll come back to it. Don't worry about it. We'll do that later. We just got to do like a basic ad. Yeah, it's better.

Yeah, just some dumb shit. Nobody listens anyway. Nobody likes the advanced storyline bullshit. Just waste of time. Hit them with the ad. Yeah, that's free shipping. Glory at checkout. Boom. That's right. Glory. Are you watching Rick and Morty or something? No.

Oh. I'm just gonna shut this off. Welcome back to this year's Vulgarity for Charity. We are cruising along trying to finish this up so we don't end up with another multi-year insult pileup. And we are, of course, joined by our partners in this whole thing, Noah, Heath, and Eli. Gentlemen, thanks for coming on. You are very welcome. But to be clear, I am

going to be insulting people for the next couple of years regardless. Same, because I care about charity all year. Nothing says thanks for your record-breaking charity donations like we're trying to finish this up, Cecil. Way to go. Yeah, nothing says thanks for your record-breaking charity donations like we're trying to finish this up, Cecil.

Way to go. Way to set the mood. No, you're right, Eli. We should do this for another 21 and a half months. That's really how you say your thank yous. That's what I did the first time.

So let's get started with these folks that donated out of the kindness of their hearts. Those folks that gave without asking for a roast. Big thanks to the Duluth Atheist, although he did ask for a roast before, Lauren M. and Dean R.

And a heartier thanks to Peter B., Jacqueline, Sarah, Nick, and Baby Mae. And a huge muchos gracias to Rob and C., Mark L., Ross,

and Nija. Thanks also to Tim and Friends. We got Andrew, Peggy, Jim, Nancy, Krista, Karen, and Laura for chipping in $630. And to Alan for throwing in $700

on top of that. Also to Josh A. and Mark G. who gave $1,000 and $1,500 respectively. You guys fucking rock. Alright, gents, let's get this party started. Let's start off tonight with some pet roasts. First up, Dave, Di, and Jack want their cats Milo,

Max, and Bucky roasted. Okay, yeah, so Milo is just like a good old-fashioned murder cat, right? Like in the email they say, his bad side is that he won't murder anything. He can hold the fuck down. And the upside is that sometimes he's holding down a mouse, right? He looks like that kind of cat. Like you come downstairs

one day, he's just cutting individual words out of different magazines with his claws. And Max, I shit you not, looks like he has a low polygon count. Right? He's like a Gen 5 cat living in a Gen 9 world. He also stands outside the party yelling, sure wish I had an invitation

while Dave, Di, and Jake are trying to sleep. And Bucky, he's got the tedious little socks on. He's got these little white boots. There's only so much you can ask of me. That's fair. All right, this one's for Eli. John would like a roast of people

who buy Pats on a whim and then get rid of them. So why couldn't I get those assholes? You fucking loveless monsters. Oh, you get the dog and the cat home for five fucking minutes, realize you can't go to Stephanie's board game night, and now you have allergies. Oh, you didn't remember you had a severe allergy?

Yeah. It slipped your mind that you have a severe allergy? And then everyone always does this fucking weird, I won't be taking any questions at this time thing. Like you're under investigation for fraud and they're pleading the fifth. Suck my ass, you won't be taking questions. You'll take whatever questions I want to ask you.

You selfish, other-ignoring, Instagram-driven sack of shit. I'm not a cop. I don't know you shit. But I will say this. I will say this. There is good news. Because anyone who would give away a pet for whatever minor inconvenience you call an excuse, I don't know you shit but I will say this I will say this there is good news because anyone who would give away a pet

for whatever minor inconvenience you call an excuse is incapable of love anyway so you know die alone with nobody to eat you I guess is what I'm saying this is kind of like pets

Jason would like a roast of parenthood so Tom why don't you take this one since you're the most experienced in both year and number you know parenthood. So Tom, why don't you take this one since you're the most experienced in both year and number. You know, parenthood is the grand adventure

you embark upon because selfishly you've decided you want a pet that you won't have to put it to sleep in 15 years. Let's be perfectly clear here. Becoming a parent has nothing at all to do with your kids. You make the decision to have kids because you want them.

It's not a selfless act. It is the fulfillment of your desire to procreate. And it is fucking horrible. And if you don't believe me, just seriously, look at literally every study ever done ever about the impact of being a parent on happiness or your finances or your relationships. It is pretty much the worst choice you can make for your own quality of life. And it makes you insanely, wildly vulnerable forever. Because having a kid means that you are biologically driven

to love someone who will spend the first several years of their life trying to fall down the stairs or catch a disease by licking a stranger. And when they become teenagers, you're in for even more hurt as they try to kill themselves in stupider ways, like driving or drinking or joining the army. And you're still going to love them. Even if they are not people you would otherwise choose to spend 15 fucking minutes of your life with you will love them to the detriment of your personal well-being and sometimes they just they won't love you back sometimes they will grow up to be bad people bad people have parents people who are connected to you only in ways that hurt you. Parenthood is exhausting and sticky and expensive and selfish.

And the only reason anyone ever makes new people is because we have evolved to do it. Literally, nobody has ever solved one problem in their life by having children. Not one time, not ever. Parenting is pain and anguish and worry and loss and it starts the moment they are born and it ends the moment you die wasting the last moments of your precious life worrying that maybe they haven't brushed their fucking teeth enough jesus christ do you think about that tom is the only honest parent in the universe that That's one of the options, Heath. Yeah.

All right, Cecil, here's a pet word for you. Marianne wants you to say something nice about Ian. What? I know, this is tough. Ian is truly the greatest sport in podcasting. Never afraid to be the butt of the joke, always

plays along, never says no, but always yes and. He's very funny, very talented. A hilariously nerdy guy we are absolutely lucky to have in every way. The only downside is that he likes Peruvian food, which I think is what's left in the strainer when you drain the sink. Yeah, I think that's what it is.

Okay, well, this will be the last pet one of the night. Keith, Robin L would like you to roast the Kato Institute. I think it's Kato. Yeah, I mean, use the French pronunciation if you want. Okay. So the Kato Institute is a libertarian think tank. Yeah, I'm going to stop right there. The Kato Institute, it is a libertarian think asterisk tank founded by Ed Crane, somebody whose literal name is Murray Rothbard and also Charles Koch. Yes, that Charles Koch. And they get tens of millions of dollars in funding every year from really rich douchebags who want to stay rich. And it works. That strategy fucking works.

That's terrifying. It's worth spending tens of millions of dollars so they can keep all their other money. And it works. We have to steal all their money. We have to steal their money. Yes, taxation is theft, and we're stealing all your stuff and your money.

We're doing it. I don't care. Call it whatever you want. We're taking your shit. That is stealing. Great. Let's steal it. And the Cato Institute doesn't need that money anyway. Again, it's a libertarian think tank. How hard is it to type well, actually, and then retweet Ronald Reagan? That's not difficult. That's one guy with a cell phone. All that's

left after that is the budget for the big pile of cookies and cum. Like, even if you have, if you got to outsource the cum and the cleanup to the gig economy, that's another what, like 100 grand a year? It's like you have this giant bloated bureaucracy that can't efficiently handle its money. Aren't you again? Libertarian think tank. That is fucking great. Get the fuck out of here.

Let's do another round. Noah, this is a special request. Jason B. would like you to roast Alzheimer's disease. Well, first of all, let me thank Jason for setting me up with a subject so rich with humor potential. But yeah, fuck you, Alzheimer's. Fuck you for passing over

fucking 76 other potential organs and 206 potential bones and going right after the very core of what makes us us. Oh, too good for the fucking thoracic ducts, are you two? Highfalutin for the parathyroidness. Bigging it in as pancreas. Fuck you. Fuck you for making me miss somebody who's right next to me.

Fuck you for having a name that sounds so remarkably similar to old timers that it's hard to believe it's just a coincidence. And above all, fuck you for taking your goddamn time. Sorry, you guys were doing a comedy show. Another special request. This one is for Tom. Chris S. would like a roasting of

Daniel, Chris's sister-in-law's shitty boyfriend. Daniel was 30 when he started dating this girl while she was in high school. Now, I know everyone is supposed to be supportive of everyone's choices, but fuck that noise. If you are a grown-ass man dating a teenager, you are not a grown-ass man.

At best, you're a pathetic, immature, underdeveloped man-child that adult women have already rejected. At worst, you're a manipulative narcissist leveraging your greater life experience to manipulate someone younger because women your own age have moved on and are dating or marrying men with actual skills and prospects and talents. This isn't some cutesy cutesy shit. This stage is a brain development, not to mention maturity, career trajectory, and education are so many worlds apart that any attempt at parody is inherently false and any healthy emotional

connection wildly lottery winningly improbable. And dudes like Daniel, they know exactly what they are. They know they are empty, vacuous shells, a hollow display of manhood devoid of meaning and substance. And they know that everyone with a few years under their belt has had them pegged for years. So they troll the teeny bopper set and declare the fish they snatched from the barrel to be wise and mature beyond her years as a way to flatter their way into a position of power and control. But a quick look under their hood tells you everything you need to know every time, because their past is marked by a series of these tragic

relationships and they all end in bitter tantrum filled failures because in each case the girls grow into women and men like Daniel never grow out of adolescence or obsolescence. Don't worry too much about this discount bargain basement Criss Angel dime store knockoff. Your sister-in-law will grow up and move on and Daniel will be nothing more to her than what he is to everyone else in his life. A brief and forgettable regret. Oh, it's the same. That's so mean.

Okay, Cecil, how about a roast for Criss H? He wants a roast of his arch nemesis, Michael. Mike Heath is running for governor in Maine and he is a rabidly anti-gay bigot and that's terrible. But you know what's more cringy? He interviewed Dave Dobbenmeier on his own show. Coach Dave?

Yes, and the very best part of this interview is not that it had just three views, and I was one of those. But there's literally no sound. Like all the other videos, all his other videos, every other video I clicked, it had sound. This one, I tried to watch it.

And, and every once in a while, not a Coach Dave would shove his rump roast with eyes closer to the camera. Clearly, beet red and yelling,

but there's nothing. No sound at all. Just silence. And I cannot think of a better way to consume these ideas than for them to mute themselves.

And his slogan is Heath for governor which I totally endorse but not Mike Heath. Right. I do not endorse that. Eli, how about a roast

for Mormon apostle Jeffrey R. Holland for Alex in Utah? Yeah. So for those in Utah. Yeah. So for those of you who don't know this gem of a human being, this is the dude who yelled at BYU this year for not being anti-gay enough. And he looks like an upside down Ferengi. Seriously, he looks like his cheekbones are trying to form the top of a head in the desperate hope that he's that optical illusion of Einstein and Marilyn Monroe.

But he's not. They're just getting thicker and thicker. All right. Heath, how about a roast of being understaffed at work for Shannon? Okay. Well, I was a bartender for a long time, so understaffed was actually fucking great. I made way more money on those days when we were understaffed. But outside of the insane fucking Thunderdome universe of New York bartending, that is a bad thing as I understand it.

It's understaffed. So employers, job creators, as you like to call yourselves, bring it in. You're doing capitalism wrong, and that's your favorite thing. You're like a feudal lord with a thousand acres, and you sent out one serf to go farm it, and you're completely, yeah, your labor costs are super low.

Great job with that. But now you have eight potatoes, and you're complaining about it. Idiot. And for all the people who show up somewhere that's understaffed, the fucking customers, and then you complain about it, I've got a great idea

for those eight potatoes. Well, we all know what that means. It's time for another Spightening Round. This time, it's Twitter hashtags. Please write your roast

in Twitter format with an appropriate hashtag. First up, Brian Kemp for John E. Oh, going after fucking Brian Kemp in Twitter hashtags. Please write your roast in Twitter format with an appropriate hashtag. First up, Brian Kemp for John E. Oh, going after fucking Brian Kemp in Twitter format? That's been done to death. Okay, but sure, here it goes. I just, man, I hate to tread ground that Trump has been over,

but I'm going to do it anyway. That's for charity. Hey, human Eeyore, don't worry. I'm sure you'll score just as well once you're not the ref anymore. Good luck surviving against at Senator David Perdue long enough to lose to at Stacey Abrams. Hashtag Abrams 2022, motherfucker. So good. Vincent J for Vincent J.

Vincent's one of those guys who thinks that if he tells you all of his failures and makes fun of himself first, then you'll have nothing left to hurt him with. Wrong, Vincent. Wait, that doesn't work? Yeah, no. Your laundry list of self-flagellating and ultimately banal

and masturbatory failures isn't even close to why someone should roast you, Vincent. It's your see-through attempt to deflect attention with these distractions from your barely concealed desire for someone to reassure you that no, you're not that bad.

But that's exactly what makes you so deeply unpalatable, Vincent. This is very personal. I feel like this is very personal. You're not that bad. You know what? You're not even that bad. You're not interesting enough to be that bad. Jesus Christ.

You're just a lonely guy afraid to be better and hoping someone will reassure you that it's alright to be you. But it's not. And that's what you're afraid of. That's what you want to be reassured from. But every day, Vincent, that you continue with your self-deprecating woe is me, won't someone please tell me I'm good enough by telling me I'm not as bad as

I think I am, schtick? Every time you do it, you are not good enough, and you're not getting better. So cut that shit out, grow the fuck up, and for God's sake, get rid of the fucking bagpipes. That's not an instrument.

Those are testicle flutes and they always sound terrible. Hashtag, fishing for backhanded compliments, ask the wrong guy. I'll take my disinformation peddler of choice for Michelle S hey

at real Donald Trump link not found what is it like to have your free publicity turned off at the spigot at real Donald Trump link not found also this has nothing to do with freedom of speech and of all the people who should know that

it should be the guy who was president for four years at Real Donald Trump, like not found. Hashtag free market solutions. And every shirt you wear fits you so badly, your upper body looks like a barrel, like a rodeo clown is going to jump down the front of your collar any moment to hide from a bill. How about Libertarians

for Angela B? Well, I feel like Cecil just did it, so that, ibid, first of all. I'll do one too, I guess, though. Hey, at Libertarians, eyeball emoji, eggplant emoji. So, I know you can't see this

because you're only on Parler or Getter or whatever the fuck, but I just said, fuck your face. I said, hashtag fuck your face with emojis. And if you're going to be selling ethnic slurs in the marketplace of ideas, are you really comfortable doing that on the government created internet? Because that's what you're doing on Parler and Getter, too. When you get all that privatized,

you can use it again. Let me know how that goes. Let me know how you do with that. And let's get meta with left-wing Twitter for Matthew. Oh, Cecil, I'd love to roast left-wing Twitter, but it's vulgarity for charity. The time of year when left-wing Twitter fucking disappears,

don't they? See, unlike when I dare to suggest that four assholes isn't worth dismissing an entire social justice movement, it's the time of the year to do something. And nothing scares them away faster on left-wing Twitter than hashtag doing something, doesn't it? Don't you fret, Cecil. Whenever there's a person of color to be talked over,

wherever there's a valid point to be misunderstood and repeated through the lens of a desperate grab for power attention, wherever there's a rose emoji unused in a profile of someone who can't be bothered to read a pamphlet made for turn-of-the-century peasants, left-wing Twitter will be there, and they will be hashtag the worst.

Okay, Tom. This one is a freebie. Whoever you want for Josh K. This one goes out to every ER doctor that barely half listened and told my wife while she was sobbing and in pain that maybe she should see a therapist or maybe it was all just anxiety. To every doctor that treats women's pain and suffering as some 21st century presentation

of wandering womb hysteria. To every MD who pays more attention to me when I speak, when the only reason I'm in the room is because you can't bring yourself to take women seriously enough to negate the need for my fucking presence. Go ahead and sit down in your little condescending stool and take a load off and let me explain something to you.

Women are most of us. Most. By the numbers, asshole. They are most of all of us. They are not some less than minority you can dismiss or patronize and still wake up and be a decent person or a decent physician. Because treating women's concerns and fears and bodies as some inconvenience drummed up by a made-up straw man of the hyperbolic, overly emotional, hormonal woman is an indecency you should never be forgiven for. You are a discredit to your profession, to your gender, and to the human fucking race, and everyone deserves better than you. And we'll get it. Women are now the majority in med school, and soon enough, the free market will do what it does and weed you the

fuck out, and it won't take long. Every year, the number of options to not pick you grows larger and larger, and every day, women are passing your name around on forums and message boards. They are most of us, you stupid, short-sighted, misogynist assholes, and you have failed them. you stupid, short-sighted, misogynist assholes, and you have failed them. You have failed most of us, motherfuckers. And when you are reduced to telling stories of what you used to be, remember that you had a chance to do better

and you chose this instead, you white-coated buggy whips. All right. Solid. Solid. Here's a good one for you, Noah. How about a roast in Nintendo for not including... How do we go from that to Nintendo?

How do I fucking trade this shit? How do I trade this shit from fucking horrifying misogyny... Speaking of Tom murdering a bunch of doctors. It's like horrifying misogyny, but Nintendo doesn't have randomizers. What the fuck? Okay. Alright, here's a good one for you, Noah. How about a roast to Nintendo

for not including randomizers in their base games for Brandon S? Okay, this is going to be a hard one for me, though, because A, I love Nintendo in a way that nobody could mistake for healthy, and B, I had no idea what including randomizers in base games meant when I first read this.

But yeah, okay, they could relatively easily add infinite novel playability and don't. So yeah, I'm with you, Brandon. Sorry if I get a little in the weeds here, but Nintendo, shuffling ain't just for Hanafuda anymore. The dude's name isn't Shigeru Miyalesto. If you're going to make me wait three and a half years to practice between Metroid Prime games, the least you can do is change up the last one.

So, take a quick break from suing a kid whose refrigerator art impinges on your IP and work this shit out. For fuck's sake, if anybody should be able to deal with their princess being in another castle, it's you, motherfucker. This one's for you, Eli.

Elias donated a chunk of change for you to roast any shitty parts of the human body that were clearly not intelligently designed. Eyeballs. Eyeballs. You hear these fucking Christians are the miracle of the human eye. Eyeballs are the Eli Bosnick of body parts.

They see shit upside down and backwards. And if if you squint they stay that shape forever by your poor fucking brain is just the hapless cecil and noah desperately turning the image right side deleting the side of your nose from the picture praying that your insurance covers Lasix so that a bored teenager in a mini mall can zap you into some kind of shape. That's all fucking sick. Okay, Heath.

How about a roast of Julie's best friend, Adam? All right. Hey, Adam, what's up? We met him at the live show in Denver. If you guys don't remember, he was the extremely

pink and white guy who looks like his best friend is probably a volleyball that he drew a face on. But, you know, the volleyball just broke up with him. Friendship walks. It's real sad. He looks like Castaway 2. More again, Castaway

again. Same guy. But instead of Tom Hanks, it was a bacon-wrapped scallop that was the star of the second one. Alright, Cecil. How about insulting people who piss on toilet seats in public bathrooms? Hey, hey, man. Toilets don't range in size too much.

So what the fuck happens at home when you unload your party popper of urine? Do you just put dog pee pads around your shitter? When you piss, does it make a sound? Is that what it does? Are you aiming like a stormtrooper? You're like losing at the first level of Bozo Buckets.

You're right in front of it, man. I'm tired of defending this entirely. Your penis coming unraveled there, Eli. Don't do the sprinkler dance. It's fine. We've talked about this. Okay.

Another big chunk of money donated to roast sexist and patronizing jewelry commercials. Noah, you're up. Yeah. Okay. You know, I first caught onto this scam when I found myself going into a jewelry store asking the jeweler like, okay, what says I love you $800 worth? I can get her a necklace with all her kids' names written in a little heart. Can I get it for her along with a do you like me check this box note?

I can spend a used car's worth of money on a pair of earrings she'll be afraid to wear in public that were harvested by an underpaid 11-year-old African tramadol addict. Jesus, oh, it spark sparkles doesn't it? She's a lady isn't it? He went to Jared. Well it better be to hold the fucking place up and use the proceeds to buy her a useful fucking gift rather than buy an artificially scarce shiny rock

out of your joint checking account God Otherwise the biggest rock you got was between your fucking ears, dude. Tom, how about a roast of Donovan's deceased dad? Jesus Christ, Donovan. Okay, cool.

This is the hardest one I've ever had to do because Donovan's dad sounds like a decent dad. A decent guy who struggled with some demons and eventually was lost to death by suicide. And Donovan is angry and hurt. I get that. I do. I have kids and I understand that they rely on me not just as a provider, but as a role model and as a protector. And so here you are, adrift from that tether, and you are pissed. But I won't roast your dad for leaving you the way he did because there's something inherently fucking wrong with the human machine, Donovan. We are poorly made and imperfectly evolved. We are garbage

meat playing at transcendence and missing the mark so much more often than we attain it. Your dad missed the mark because embedded into so many of us is a nagging, impossible to silence voice that draws us to the brink, that holds out the void like temptation, and sometimes some of us is a nagging, impossible to silence voice that draws us to the brink, that holds out the void like temptation. And sometimes some of us give in and are lost. This is a defect in the meat of us, a flaw in the messy machine we are saddled with piloting until the moment we can't anymore. Your dad got dealt a shittier machine and you lost him long before you were ready to. And I am sorry that he wasn't made better, that he got dealt the voice of self-destruction that screamed rather than whispered.

But we are all on the brink of collapse, Donovan. All of us sometimes one white knuckle from madness or despair. Fuck being meat. None of us is better than this. I literally had no idea what to do with a suicide. I know.

It's an almost impossible roast. I'm sorry. But Eli gets an easier one. Eli, why don't you roast another dad? This one's for Leslie, Melanie, and Diana.

Roast their dad, David. Oh, God. If Tom got the hard one, I got the easy one. Thank you, Cecil. I knew you liked me better. I knew you liked me better. I knew you liked me better. This sexist, unsupportive dickhole is so miserable

that Leslie, Melanie, and Diana just sent me a set of his greatest hit quotes. He's like Dark World Yogi Bear. But luckily for me, they also sent a picture. And my friends, if ever there was a face to punish a personality David got it he looks like someone did the first draft of Rushmore right

and that guy got fired from what he brought into the meeting David's face and then they decided to do Rushmore if losing the privilege of free mouthwash at the golf club were a face it would be David's face. He looks like the mountain from

Game of Thrones squished Rush Limbaugh's head, but he refused to acknowledge it for the rest of his life like the Black Knight from Monty Python. Just a flesh wound. And Heath, how about this gimme? Amber wants you to roast CEOs running for-profit healthcare organizations.

Okay. Well, I feel like Amber's being too hard on these people. They're just doing their jobs, right? They're just doing their jobs. That's a perfectly good rationale for all of history. We all know. But I do think they should have to be honest about their job title. You're not a CEO.

You're a pit boss at a casino. Fuck you, CEO. Get not a ceo you're a pit boss at a casino fuck you ceo get out of you're a pit boss and with covid now everyone has to play roulette this fucking minute or literally die but you're doing a great job managing that i'm sure that's exhausting and really difficult totally worth that eight figure salary you manage that you're the only person who can handle to make money on that. You're a delicate genius. You're John Galt. That's why you make all that money. Fuck you. Okay, so

for these last four, we're all going to take some swings. First up, David wants us to roast people who have no idea how to merge on a highway and people that don't let you in when you're merging. Oh, you mean everyone from my state, Cecil? I've seen kids on tricycles merge without signaling in my New Jersey neighborhood.

It's in the fucking water. New Jersey, all we are is a highway. The fact that we don't know how to merge or let people in is like a Californian who doesn't know how to surf or a Texan who won't fuck his sister. We're all going the same place new jersey new york the lane becomes one lane look i know given our druthers everyone else would set up some kind of ramshackle camp and live the rest of their days in that entrance point but if you don't let me in i am going to strike you with my vehicle and if you fucking honk at me when I do

manage to get in I swear on the blood of my forefathers New Jersey I will let seven people in front of me for each he will Eli makes an excellent point he made the exact same point to me when he drove at full speed

to the end of the entrance ramp and then came to a complete stop with half his car sticking out into the lane that he was eventually going to merge into but now he was completely stopped and he gave me that speech and then he let seven people just barely avoid him for each honk of the people behind him and then he merged into the third of four lanes all the way over to the left yeah he really likes the third one out of four and it needs to happen right away and that's where he went i would argue likes two and three but yeah no okay yeah sure he doesn't really get off the middle

it it makes you wonder sometimes as you drive around these motherfuckers if they have ever broken a bone trying to interlace their fingers or like pulled a muscle because they accidentally took several consecutive steps with the same fucking foot. These people are the automotive equivalent of Daffy Duck getting tricked into saying duck season. You people are the zipping your ball skin into your fly of driving. They are, yep. Holy shit, assholes. The entrance ramp

to the fucking expressway is there so you can accelerate to match the speed of the rest of the expressway. That's the whole point. Thank you. If you are too afraid to press the goddamn gas pedal and achieve something approaching a reasonable fucking speed, then call an Uber

or stay home. You do not deserve to have a car. And one day, when a fucking semi forces you off the road and into the side of a guardrail at fucking 32 miles an hour because you can't figure this out, I hope the fire department

forgot to charge their jaws of life, you reckless coward. They're just standing there with a USB. They're like, anybody got a USB port? A lightning port? Oh, man. Guys, it's one car from each lane.

This is as difficult as dealing cards to two people. I broke my fingers. You're the shitty kid that invited people over after school to play Nintendo and then played a one-player game and then never gave it to anybody else. It's like just held the control

all the time. It doesn't need to be an impenetrable lane. It's not a grade school kid's bulletproof backpack. Oh, guys, come on. Now let's roast Dave Ramsey for Joseph.

Oh, awesome. All right. So, Dave, your whole business model is lying to people and offering them a stupidly simplistic solution to real problems that you can't be held accountable for. You fire people for being gay

and or getting pregnant out of wedlock. You endanger your employees by flouting best practices during a pandemic and mock people for wearing masks. And you know what, Dave? Our culture is not okay with that if you're not a church, in which

case it's legally protected but but for real so pointing out how much like a church you are is the lowest rung on my insult ladder you piece of shit okay i don't know what genius at wikipedia did this but his picture on his wikipedia article is dave Ramsey wearing a T-shirt that says, we run with scissors. And my God, if a T-shirt ever summed up a human being better than that, I haven't heard of it. I'm dangerous, stupid, self-aware, and I don't fucking care. Dave Ramsey, how you doing? Dave Ramsey's approach to financial freedom

is to pay off all your small bills first rather than high interest loans first because he thinks you're stupid. All of his advice is based on you being too stupid to make good financial choices. And I guess I have to agree since he began his own foray into being a financial advisor

after going bankrupt himself. Sure did. You know what they say, those who can't do fleece dave wants you to sell all your shit to pay off all your bills so instead of just being poor you can be poor without all that pesky materialism yeah yeah yeah yeah he's serious he's a financial he's a he's an evangelical Christian financial guru. That's his job. And his we run with scissors thing, it's because he doesn't believe in credit cards. But I have. That's because he went bankrupt from debt, like Tom mentioned.

But just to be clear, that was because an act of Congress made a couple rules about non-bank banks those were a thing at some point this was at the end of the reagan era so the the non-bank bank sector was thriving because there were less than zero rules for banks and non-banks so the new act led to a change of ownership at the like warlord credit union that was letting Dave Ramsey have millions of dollars in leverage to buy way too much stupid fucking real estate that wasn't worth it. And the new owners of those non-bank banks recalled his insane warlord loan. So he went bankrupt. And that's why you don't use credit cards at the cash station. You know?

Financial guru. Dave Ramsey's what you get when you order a money manager from Wish. He's like, he's like, he's like the provost of Bootstraps University.

Yeah, man. The solution to all my financial woes is cutting out the spending on all the things that make life worth living. That way, when I finally fucking hang myself because I'm bankrupted from cancer,

I can at least be gazelle intense about it. Next up, another angry driver. This is for Beth D, and she wants us to take on drivers who won't stay in their lane. Okay, yeah, consider this. There are motherfucking lines right there. They're right there. That should be the end of it and yet we have had to spend years augmenting

there are already lines right there with special high visibility paints and embedded reflectors and rumble strips and lane departure warnings and lane assist and hands-free driving entire lifetimes of engineers have been devoted to trying to crack your

unique type of stupidity and they still haven't done it. For all that technology, you still can't manage the thing that we expect from a moderately well-coordinated five-year-old with a crayon. Our only hope is that it's genetic and you're weeding yourselves out over time. It's genetic and you're weeding yourselves out over time. Okay, so we did my state. And so I guess now we're doing everyone from you and Tom's state. Jesus. Do you all have some unofficial derby happening at all times?

People, listen to me. You are going from somewhere in Illinois to somewhere in Illinois. You don't ever have to be in a rush. Ever. Abandon your car by the side of the road and walk for thou art going to somewhere in Illinois. Yeah. Again, Eli makes a great point about the problem of having bad drivers

on the road. This is excellent. And yeah, it should be pretty obvious where the lanes are by looking with your goddamn eyes at the bright colored lines. Thank you, Noah,

for mentioning that. But you know what's even more obvious than a painted line? A giant tree branch that ends up How dare you? It ends up

all the way inside the rental van that you're backing out of a driveway. How would that happen? How would that happen? All the way. I don't know.

I don't know how this happened. This is a real thing that happened with Eli backing out of a driveway with our rental van. The branch went through a window. That all happened. Generally, there's a noise involved with that. I would imagine. I don't know. It was.

It made the, I'm going to break your window noise. That's what I would have assumed would be the noise, would be the window breaking noise. I broke your window noise. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. So that happened. The branch went through the window with a noise that you could hear with your goddamn ears.

And then he kept backing up and that tree branch tapped him on the goddamn shoulder in the driver's seat as a reminder that maybe you veered into the tree lane and you're not in the lane of asphalt of this

driveway that you were stationarily parked in and now you're very slowly back. Yeah. So to all the bad lane switch drivers out there, you just got roasted about your driving by that guy who did the tree branch thing. I am from Chicago where the worst drivers in the world flock to perfect their craft. These weaving, speeding assholes threading their way through traffic are our state animal. And an ejected driver hurled through the window

is our state bird for good reason. I drive a lot. And I've seen a number of these guys crash. And I never slow down when I pass. And I never call 911 for them, even late at night. Though, I cannot help but giggle,

especially if you can smell the smoke. I can't, I can't top any of that. I will just ask though, Eli, do you put two legs in one underwear hole? Because that's what it's like

when you're driving. Sometimes, I'm confused. Do your roast. Okay, no. That was my drivers. Do your roast. Okay. Do your roast to you.

You have no idea. When we went to the airport to pick Thomas up, he literally, like, he was between three and four the whole time. Those are my favorites. It was three-ish, four-ish most of the way. I watched the video you made. Cecil is pulling a large sword

out of a sheath several times ready and then just barely puts it back. I should have just taken the keys from him. I should have just done it. Okay, finally tonight, let's end with us taking it on on progressives

that need to be inspired to vote for Jace. Not to vote for Jace. We're doing the roast for Jace, but to vote. Progressives who won't vote or they need more inspiration to vote.

Inspiration. Inspiring person Inspiring. Yeah. Guys, if your political views offer up a justification for inaction, you're doing political views wrong. If the very unattainability of your goals excuses your obligation to move towards them, you're doing goals wrong. If the refusal of society

to agree with you leaves you unaccountable to improve it you're doing society wrong you do everything wrong don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you fooled yourself you fooled the rest of us we know that torpidity isn't the only piddity that you brought to this so good also uh progressives who don't vote bring it in no you're not you're not a progressive no you're not absolutely you're a regressive you didn't achieve any progress with the nothing you did on election day that would be impossible instead you probably helped a bigot who should have had one more vote against him because you hate black people that's why because you're a goddamn hate

group the sblc should have a list of progressive non-voters that should be a giant list we should be able to look it up check on stuff and every single one of them needs to call every single person they know who happens to have a uterus right now and apologize fucking profusely for being a petulant regressive piece of shit who doesn't understand basic logic thank you do it now oh man cecil first left wing twitter now this a lot of repeats today can i say no hey uh progressives who need a fucking cookie to pull the lever on the left. Do you want to hear a secret? I mean, he kind of blew up my spot here. But do you want to hear a secret you're not going to like?

You're a racist. I know. I know. You made it for the first 10 pages of white fragility and you're so proud of it. But hear me out. It's not just that you're a racist. You're actually a worst racist than your MAGA hat wearing Uncle Frank. It's true. I'll tell you why. See, Frank, he's a broken bicycle, right? He's got a chemical imbalance.

He's got a badly managed pill addiction, his annual salary and credit card debt. And he went to high school when it was the equivalent of a third grade education. He hates black people because the world has beaten him down to the lowest of possible lows. And he's trying to drag someone down with him. He hates black people because he's ignorant, but you? You know better. You know your little non-voting ass hurts people of color and trans people, and you don't fucking care because you didn't get your pony.

Yep. You don't give a shit if some poor Latina girl can get an abortion in Texas. If you get an abortion, you'll call your daddy. Take a little trip out of state. That is, if you live in one of the bad ones and a lot of you don't

because yuck, am I right? A lot of you just sit back while the work doers keep you afloat. And if people of color get washed overboard by your bitchy little temper tantrum,

so be it. That's the way the world is, right? It's hard for black people and easy for you. Because if they ever did get a leg up, if they ever did get the help your vote serves the purpose of giving them, then you wouldn't have anyone to pity but yourself. And we can't have that now, can we? Well, that's close to home wow so good everything just uh one more listen to that again if you if you there if that was you listen several times in a row deserve all

that you don't care you don't care you're not political you're apathetic you're lazy you're selfish and you're spoiled and you are the problem. You are the reason. You are the reason we don't have better and that we can't do better. You want everything all at once or you don't want anything at all because you are a fucking child and none of the grownups in the room, not the good ones and not the fucking evil ones, ever stop to think about you because the only message you send is that you don't fucking matter. I would roast these people,

but I need to be motivated to help the folks at Modest Needs help others. And Jace, your request just isn't cutting it. I'm sorry. I'm just not inspired by it. I'm so drenched in privilege, I need a personal fluffer to do anything not specifically in my own self-interest.

There you go. There's that too, guys. There's that too. That's such a good ending. All right. So that is going to wrap it up for this week's Vulgarity for Charity,

which might be going next week. I don't know how many we have to go yet. There might be some more still. A couple more still. At least a couple, maybe two, three. But we are really

cooking through them and thank you everybody for making this an absolute record-breaking year. And thank you, Noah Heath and Eli, for joining us once again. Thanks, guys. Glad to be here. Both better.

So we recorded an outro with some emails and stuff and some comments. And we wound up losing it. We wound up losing it when I was transferring it between my solid state to my computer. So we do not have the emails that we read. We'll save those for next week. I do want to mention a couple of things. First is I want to thank everybody who donated

in the Vulgarity for Charity fundraiser this year for modestneeds.org. We raised a ton of money, over $400,000, over $420,000. And over $200,000 came directly from the audiences of Scathing Atheist and our podcast, Cognitive Dissonance. And the amount of outpouring for this event was just, it was unreal.

People were donating a ton of money and they were helping out people in a way that I think everyone in this community can be proud of. So many families on the brink of poverty and on the brink of a very hard economic crisis were able to get the funds they need to pay a bill or to help them in their time of need. And I think everybody who is involved this year can feel good about the level of care that this community gave to those in need. We want to thank, of course,

the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm guys for coming on too. They're going to be on our show multiple times. We'll be on their show multiple times in the next couple of weeks, working our way through these roast requests that we got. They are very funny guys. They do a ton of work and all their podcasts are hilarious. You can find them at Godawful Movies, Scathing Atheist of course which is the shows will be coming on in the next couple weeks then there's also Skeptocrat and D&D Minus as well as a show we do

with them every week called Citation Needed if you haven't checked it out you really should it's a wonderful show very funny show those guys are absolutely hilarious every week and they're a blast to record with so check out Citation Needed if you haven't and also check us out on their show, Scathing Atheist.

I want to read the patrons because we haven't done it in a couple of weeks and I want to thank the patrons, of course. You guys are the reason we're able to have two employees to help us with this show. Ian and Sarah rely on your donations for their paychecks. And so we want to thank you for giving money to the show, for giving money

to make sure that this show happens. So patrons, we want to thank you all. We want to thank our newest patrons. I immediately regret this decision. Surf the stoned water Gensai, or Gensai, not sure. Risto, Christopher, Vern, Guy

Incognito, Derek, Vianna Molotov, What Happened to A and B Size Batteries, Pedro, WC, Clyde the Fox, Agile Potato, Liber Chaos, Jay, and the people who upped their pledges, Ray, Gabby, Michael, Nicolette, Dang, Take It EV Podcast, Sustainable Transportation for All, and Thad. We also wanted to mention, we did mention it on the piece of tape that I lost, but Tom's not here to mention it with me, but understand that Tom is just as excited as I am. In the last year, right around this time last year,

we started writing a book. The book is about critical thinking and we're very excited. We had the book edited, so we finished writing it. We handed it off to an editor. The editor has gone through it a couple of times. We've done our revisions. We've now handed the book off to the person who's going to format it for Kindle and for print on demand. Tom is going to record the audio book. And then once all that's done, we'll let you know all the pertinent information about the book in the next couple of weeks. We hope within maybe a month or two. We're actually shooting for maybe

a release probably around the end of January. But we're really excited. We put a lot of work into this book and we hope that you all enjoy it. It took a very long time. And of course, we have a ton of other projects going on at the same time. So it was absolutely a very difficult process, but we're really excited and really proud of what we put together. So we'll be, like we say, releasing more information as we get more and more stuff from the designer. But within a couple months, we'll be, like we say, releasing more information as we get more and more stuff from the designer. But within a couple months, we'll have a book and an audio book. And we hope that you guys check it out. All right. So that is going to wrap it up for this week. Again, we want to thank the Puzzle Guys for coming on. You can catch all their shows. I mentioned them earlier,

but check the show notes. They should be links to all their work there. And also come check us out on our live streams. We just did a live stream this last week. We had an absolute blast, really funny time. Tom and I were crying laughing at this last, during this last live stream that we did. You can check us out 9 p.m. Central time. We do a live stream on YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch. Check it out. Come hang out with us. Send us a message while you're there. It's always a fun time and it's a really great

community that's built up around these. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage tarot cars psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine nuts shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the

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