Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 607: Postcoital Financial Advice

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Changing the story of homelessness.      Show Notes  

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19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance.

Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome at it. This is episode 607 of Cognitive Dissonance. And Cecil. Yeah. We wrote a book. I know. We wrote a book, man. We know we put a lot of work into this. Last year, we started a book in December. Yep.

Right before, like right after the election. So essentially right after the election was when it started. And the book is finished and has been to the editor and now is at the person who's going to format it. And we're going to have a print on demand and a Kindle version soon. And we're also going to have an audio book version. We're going to have a print-on-demand and a Kindle version soon.

And we're also going to have an audiobook version of it. We're going to have an audiobook. And we're going to have it all, hopefully, in the next couple months. Narrated by none other than David Attenborough, guys.

David, I can't believe we got it. Holy shit, what a guess. Such a grab. What? How baller would that be? No, that's ridiculous. It's Sam Jackson, guys. Zero percent. No, that's ridiculous. It's Sam Jackson. Zero percent.

No, it's Sam Harris. You want to put people to sleep. It's me. But Todd's going to read it. Todd's going to do all the work on that. So we're super excited. We're going to have a lot more details as time goes out, but we are going to let you guys know the title.

We're going to release the title this week. The title is The Grand Unified Theory of Bullshit, and it's a book on critical thinking. We're super excited to get it to you. As soon as we start getting more things finished for it, because we still have to finish the cover completely. It still has some text that needs to be added. Once that's done, we're going to

probably post that. We're going to release some things as they come out, but we're very excited about it. We didn't want to wait. We just wanted to tell people about it. We're super to, you know, we're going to release some things as they come out, but we're very excited about it. We didn't want to, we didn't want to wait. We just wanted to tell people about it. We're super excited. Writing a book has a lot that goes into it, man. You know, like the world has changed, right? So it used to be, and it probably is still for, for some people, but you write a book, you send it to somebody, they agree to publish it. And then they have like teams of experts that know what they're doing. Yeah. And, and there, there's an element now where if you write a book and you go through this sort of self-service route where you just, you got to figure a lot of this shit out, man. Unless you got like a friend over at like the publishers, like there's a lot of shit to figure out.

I never would have thought about any of it. And our editor turned out to be great. What an awesome editor. What an awesome editor. Humbled both of us with her ability to turn some of the things that we did into good turns of phrase, which was so much better

than what we had given her, I think. I think the product we gave her was a lesser product than what she returned, so we're so excited and we can't wait to get it to you guys. So keep your eyes out open for it. And we're probably going to do some pre-orders

and stuff when it finally, when we finally have it, like the thing ready to go. But we just wanted to put it on your radar. Let's just figure out what we're going to do

for the launch. We should have like a launch party? Because you can't have a party anymore. You can't have a party. You can't have a party. We've got to have

a launch event. Maybe like a launch stream or something with some friends over or something. We'll figure it out. We'll figure out something.'t have a party anymore. You can't have a party. We've got to have a launch event. Maybe we'll have a launch stream or something with some friends over or something. Yeah, we'll figure it out. We'll figure out something. That's a good idea. That's a good idea. Also, this episode, we are going to have the Puzzle and Thunderstorm guys, the Scathing guys, the Gam guys, the D&D Minus guys, the Skeptocrat

guys, the Citation Needed guys. Those are all the same guys. That's a lot of guys. That's the same guys. They're all going to be on. Noah, Heath, and Eli will be on later on for that. I think the last installment of all gertie for charity this year on our show. Yeah, I think so. And,

uh, one more left. We had such a great time with them. It was so much fun to record. They're always so funny. And so check it out. Uh, it's the last segment of the show.

I only hope that the whores aren't stealing our lemons. You know, those naughty whores always steal lemons. We do have a couple of lemon whores in this, in this community. Those damn lemon stealing whores aren't stealing our lemons. You know, those naughty whores always steal lemons. We do have a couple lemon whores in this community. Those damn lemon-stealing whores. I hate them, because no one will take our prized lemons from us.

Hey, has it been about 10 seconds since we looked at our lemon tree? It has been about 10 seconds until we looked at our lemon tree. Hey, what the fuck? So this is the one I want to talk about. This story from The Friendly Atheist. This is terrific, because we just fucking So this is I want to talk about this story from the friendly atheist. This is terrific because we just fucking roasted this. We did.

And it might be on this. Is it on this show or pre? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either. I don't remember. It might have been on the last one. I don't care.

I think it was on the last one. It was on the last one. Fucking hate this guy. Christian financial guru. And I love that that's in fucking scare quotes. Dave Ramsey sued for religious discrimination. Now, what I think is really interesting is the way this lawsuit is framed.

So scroll down a little bit. I want to read directly from the complaint. According to the complaint, Amos, a video editor, holds strong religious convictions about caring for his family's health and requested to be able to work from home in order to safeguard their well-being. That request, according

to the complaint, was seen as a weakness of spirit. Lampo expected its employees to adopt the religious view of Mr. Ramsey that taking COVID-19 precautions demonstrated weakness of spirit and that prayer was the proper way to avoid COVID-19 infection, the complaint states.

In contrast, plaintiff's religious beliefs required him to heed the advice of science to protect his family from a deadly disease. And I love the little snark. I know. I know. It's so good. It's delicious.

It's so good. Dave Ramsey, Tom and I found him a decade before we started podcasting. Oh, yeah. We had found him. I had found him because some people that I knew had suggested his show. Yeah. And so I had had suggested his show. Yeah. And so I had listened to his show. And this was before I knew anything about anything. And I was like, well, let me buy his book.

Because he seemed like he had some pretty good advice. People would call in. And it was kind of like a Judge Judy, right? It's sort of like a Judge Judy where somebody has done something dumb. And now they're being sort of tongue lashed in public for the dumb thing they did. And so that's essentially, it's sort of a voyeur sort public for the dumb thing they did. Right. And so that's essentially, it's just sort of a voyeur sort of show where you see somebody do something. I charged a whole bunch of money on credit cards.

Now it's Sue Zorman. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, but, but judge Judy is the same thing.

It's like, oh, there's a fight. And so like, they're going to, she's going to tell these people that they're morally bankrupt, essentially in front of everybody. And the same thing here.

It's like he, people would be like, oh, I, I charged a whole bunch of student, I charged a whole bunch of this and I got student loan debt and I got this and this and this.

And he would, you know, he'd always tell people to cut up their credit cards. First thing you gotta do is cut up your credit cards. And then you've gotta, you know, he's always got this system and the system is the same thing.

He'll just mail you more credit cards. It's the same system. It's the same system for everybody. And that tells you it's a stupid system. It's a one size fits all. And there's no such thing as one size fits all for finances. That's a stupid thing to think. But you know, I will tell you, I believed it.

I did too. I want to call myself out. I want to call myself out too. I believed it. You turned me on to it. I gave you the book. I bought the book and read it. I read it.

And I was like, yeah, it all makes sense. And I bought into it because i was fucking broke yeah like i like it was at a place in my life where you're just like i don't know if i got enough pizza money you know i mean like you're just like and and you do you have debt and you don't really understand how the hell you're ever going to get out of it yeah and like the advice makes a kind of intuitive sense like it it has, it has a, it's not good financial advice. The numbers don't work, but it appeals to the, I don't know.

It appeals to the intuition. Sure. There's a truthiness to it. Yeah. Exactly. That's, that's the right way to say it. That's the way it feels.

There's a truthiness to it. It's like, all you have to do is cut. And his system is super easy. I'm going to tell you his system. You never have to listen to Dave Ramsey again. This is his system. Take the smallest bill you have, and you pay it off. And then you take the money that you were

using to pay off the smallest bill you have, and you put it to the second smallest bill you have. And then you pay that bill off. And then you keep doing it over and over. And these are credits, when you have a credit. It's not just, we're not just talking about like, snowball effect or whatever. And that's not, it has nothing to do with semen guys. Don't send me any of your messages. Post-coital financial advice. But in any case, that's his plan. But that neglects the idea that

there's different interest rates for your credit. Some debt that you have is more expensive than other debt that you have. And he ignores that entire principle. But it's bad advice. He became a financial advisor after going bankrupt himself personally and just was like, I bet I can fleece the religious. And that's like really what he did. And that's what he's done for years. years. One of the things that has happened since over the course of the pandemic too, is that we are increasingly not really vetting any kind of religious principles or faith or, you know, I don't know, like adherence to any long-term tradition. So you can say you have a religion.

It doesn't have to be an established religion. It doesn't have to be an established church. It doesn't have to be a religion that you've had for a long time. The barriers are very, very, very low. Sure, sure. So that kind of means that you could just cite anything as a religious conviction. Yeah. Kind of anything and be like, you know, this is my religious conviction. Yeah.

So you violated my freedom. And if that doesn't work, it sort of stands to follow then that then there has to be some rules around what gets to have a religious exemption. Sure, sure. And I think there's going to be an interesting push-pull. This is a really cool case. Yeah. A really cool case. Yeah, and it almost feels like a little bit like the Satanists.

Yeah, right. You know how the Satanists do that thing where they say, no, it's my religion to put up a fucking statue of butt-fucking here. Right. And you've got to let me put up my butt-fucking statue. And then people are like, okay, no, it's my religion to put up a fucking statue of butt fucking here. And you've got to let me put up my butt fucking statue. And then people was like, okay, no more statues. We're just going to eliminate statues completely from the budget. No more.

But one of the things that this guy- Welcome to the church of anal winking, everybody. Everybody's just got, instead of crosses, they're just carrying around fists, like plastic fists. And if you want a plastic fist, you can go to adamandeve.com. Glory checkout.

But anyway. And there was a brown star in the east. Anyway, the best part about this is later on in the article, the guy is talking about the onboarding process for Dave Ramsey's job, for getting a Dave Ramsey job.

And it essentially was a three-day workshop where they just talked to you about Dave Ramsey and how awesome he is. And the guy says, literally nothing to do with my job whatsoever except for learning about Team Dave. So it's like a cult, too. It's like cult-y. I love this.

For my day job, I took notes. I'm just going to do this. It's just going to be like, you guys are going to do an intensive three-day Tom workshop. Oh, God. At the end, they have to smell different things in the side whether it's you or not. Like bloodhounds.

The first That's his beard wax. I can tell. I should have left you on that street corner where you were standing. But you didn't. So this is so mean. This is the grinchiest story that ever

grinched. Super grinchy, dude. So the story comes from the New York Times, Italy Dispatch. Italian bishop gives children harsh news. There is no Santa Claus. I got to read. Yeah, absolutely. Just so you don't get mixed up.

You read the first paragraph because it's a great setup. It is. It's a great setup. Rome. All that separated the giddy Sicilian school children from meeting old Saint Nick, arriving on horseback with his long white beard, crimson robe, and bag full of gifts, was a Christmas message from the Bishop of Noto.

Santa Claus, thundered Bishop Antonio Stagliano, is an imaginary character. I had to thunder it. I love it. I love it so much. He's an imaginary character. Children's jaws dropped and the holiday wool fell from their eyes as, for many long minutes in the Santismo Salvador Basilica, the bishop continued to stick it to Santa, who he said had no interest in families strapped for cash the red

color of his coat was chosen by coca-cola for advertising purposes it's not wrong the bishop said big soda he added uses the image to depict itself as an emblem of family values what what's crazy about this is this is an italian cath Catholic tradition where like bishops come out and like ruin Santa for kids. What the fuck? What the fuck, man? We are atheists and we let the kids believe in Santa because who fucking cares? Because who cares? Because who cares?

Because who cares? Because it doesn't do anything. Like everybody, everybody breaks away from Santa eventually, right? You eventually get to it. And in some ways, it's a good lesson in critical thinking. Yes. Right? It shows you, one, you shouldn't just automatically believe

whatever your parents tell you, right? So that's number one. And number two, it allows them to discover something on their own. Yeah, it allows them to discover that magic has a more prosaic explanation. Yeah. And like, it's actually funny

because my youngest this week, I was talking to him, maybe it was last week. I think it was this, anyway, it doesn't matter. My youngest very recently found out

that there was no Santa Claus. He just kind of figured it out. He's seven. And my older boy figured it out about the same age. And they both had almost the exact same reaction. It's really funny. They were both like, that was you guys all along? And they were thrilled. They were like, what? So all that and the cookies and the presents,

it was you? They're not hurt by it. They're thrilled that the person that they're closest to was actually the person doing loving things for them. Giving them stuff. And they were being loving to them by leaving them cookies and milk and whatever. They find out that you made a piece of magic for them. Yeah. And that that magic has an explanation that

they can now touch and hug. Absolutely. And that's better. There's no harm in like giving kids a little bit of whimsy. Yeah. And then offering them an opportunity at a developmentally appropriate time to discover on their own that that whimsy is, is fake, right?

But you don't have to have the fucking Bishop of the Catholic church. Just fucking take his drawers down and fucking shit on everybody's dreams. He just takes a fucking big deuce in a fucking bag for sale. How fucking shallow and like scared and fucking

thin are your fucking convictions that you're like, I don't want them to believe in any other mythical creatures other than my omnipotent, omniscient myth. Right. Can I ask though, Tom? Yeah. If you got a bunch of Sicilian kids

and they're sitting on Santa's lap, do they hit him in the face when they tell him what do they want for Christmas? When they're gesturing so wildly, they smack him in the eye. I want a football. I want a football.

I want a football. We're going to get a message about that. You can't make fun of Italian people. Even if you are. Yes, you can. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys. That's my word.

Now I'm in your ass, yeah. I'm fucking you. I'm going to sweat. I'm going to cum. I'm going to ass, yeah. I'm fucking you. Oh, I'm going to sweat. I'm going to cum. I'm going to get on your bum, on your face, you girl. You better know I'm going to rock your world. I thought this story was interesting, too. It's from the AP News.

I found it everywhere, by the way. Yeah, a bunch of people posted everywhere, yeah. What's your religion? In the U.S., a common reply is now none. It's 29%, man. Yeah, man, it's big. It's getting, it's growing. 29% is asked, the common reply is now none. It's 29%. Yeah, man, it's big. It's getting 29%.

It's like, yeah, no, what, what upsets me though is, do you know, 10 years ago, we had a conversation,

you and I had a conversation about how long the show was going to last. Yeah. Because we figured at a certain point, you want to have that conversation again, buddy. We figured at a certain point that those people, that the people who were listening, there was going to be a diminishing return

because people would not, there was going to be a point where people were all like, yeah, of course all that stuff is dumb. And of course there's no God. Right. And that we were going to be, we were sort of on the edge of it there where there wasn't a lot of people

who were identifying as atheists, but we knew that that number was going to grow. And we knew that the one thing that hasn't grown though, is the skepticism along with it. What we thought was going to go hand in hand was the skepticism and atheism. We thought those were going to be hand in hand and they are not. In fact, many people will say like, you can be an atheist and still believe in the craziest things. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're skeptical at all. Yeah. And, you know, the other thing that didn't go hand in glove with it is the political action that we thought would be associated. I thought for sure, be humanist.

There's an immense amount of political apathy. This is, you know, the majority of the 29% are young people and they're not fucking voting. Yeah. So what you have is that you have a third of America, or damn near, right? Three out of 10 people in America are not religious, but we are still ruled by what is increasingly becoming a slim majority. A smaller and smaller section of the population.

It's something like 60% of America identifies as Christian. Yeah. It's the smallest amount ever. And that is a big, that's a big wide range. If you were to quiz all those people on a one to ten scale, how Christian are you? I'm sure there's tens,

but I bet you there's plenty of people that would be like, if you gave them, and I wouldn't just say how Christian are you, because that's not a good quiz, but if you gave them a bunch of different questions like how often you go to church, how often you celebrate, how much do you tithe, blah, blah, blah. I'll bet you that there's a big swath across America where there's some people that are barely Christian. Right.

And there's some people who are highly evangelical Christian. I would count, I think, my dad is like nominally Christian. Yeah, barely Christian. Like I think he like generally believes because why not? Yeah. But in terms of like he's not gonna go to church he's not gonna do anything he's never said a prayer that i i mean not since i was a kid my two parents well they were both like i would say like a two or a three

you know what i mean like that's kind of where they were their whole life so but i know that there's plenty of people out there that are that are 12 and then there's you know there's some people that are fucking you know of infinity right, right? You can't, you can't rate me, you know, I'm that fucking crazy, but there's always one set of footprints. But what is, what is interesting though, is that none of this ever happened to, to none of the things that we thought were going to happen, happen. And you know, the other thing too, you had started to mention, you mentioned politics, but I was thinking more ethics.

I thought, again, it was going to be of a humanist bent. I thought for sure that this was going to be, atheism was going to be a brand new reaction and it was going to be more humanist because people would be like, well, fuck, there's no God to take care of people. The churches are lying to us.

We got to do something. Let's pitch in and do something about it. And instead, I don't see that. I see that there's a big swath of atheism that's anti-humanist. They're just anti... They're the fuck your feelings crowd. I don't know what to call them. Yeah, no, I know exactly what you mean. Anti-woke, maybe, I guess, is what they call themselves. Well, I think, just thinking back to other conversations we have, there's a, you can be an atheist

and still hold values around your dedication to the ideal of freedom, personal freedom, which puts you firmly in the right-wing camp. Yeah, absolutely. And that's something

that I didn't anticipate. Yeah, I didn't either. But it is amazing that a third or nearly a third of the country identifies as a nun and we are still ruled by theocrats. Yeah. How are we letting that happen? We are, right now, 60% of America is Christian

and we are ruled, absolutely ruled by theocrats. It's a slim majority, man. We have to understand one, that the septuagenarians rule the country, right? So, you know, we have to understand that first and foremost, these people have had- That's young people's fault. That's not septuagenarians fault. You can't blame that on the boomers. I just, I got to head it off real quick. I know you weren't even going there, but like, it makes me crazy because it's like, we blame the boomers for what? For showing up to fucking vote when you didn't? Yeah.

There's more of you. Yeah. You outnumber the boomers, assholes. And what's going to happen soon is that there's going to be a point in history where your vote's not going to matter anymore. Right. Because they're going to, they've already taken these steps to redistrict and redistrict and change things

so that they've cemented their power. And so if we don't do something serious, we're going to wind up in a situation where even if you do vote, it's not going to matter. Yeah. If you're waiting for your time to become politically relevant, it's fucking yesterday. Yeah. it's like it couldn't be more fucking immediate yeah and if you don't i mean i know you said on the show but like if you don't take it it's fucking your fault it's not the boomers fault yeah the boomers shows

up individually to vote yeah only one fucking boomer at a time yeah one boomer every time you don't show up to vote you give the boomer extra power yeah yeah so if you don't show up to vote, you give the boomer extra power. Yeah, yeah. So if you don't like that we're ruled by septuagenarians, there is a way to fix that, man. The septuagenarians aren't in power because a bunch of millennials couldn't figure out, you know, or Xers. You know, I'll raise my generation's hand. We're not voting enough. Yeah. Fuck that.

So the people who run this country, their religiosity is a much higher rate. Absolutely. Much higher rate. We're talking about younger people that are coming in as nuns. These are not older people. There's not a bunch of septuagenarians that are waking up tomorrow as atheists.

They're just reading Hitchens. They have 50 years in a church to just reject all that shit. They're going to stay that way forever. The three grand. Oh, I don't have that much money. Yeah, well, it doesn't really make sense to do it anyway that shit. They're going to stay that way forever. The three grand. Oh, I don't have that much money. Yeah, well, it doesn't really make sense to do it anyway, so. Well, maybe if I can figure out another form of payment.

You mean like a check? Yeah, that's fine. No, I mean like maybe if you take care of my pipes, I can take care of your pipe. Ma'am, I do my own plumbing. This story comes from Raw Story. Atheists are among the most likely to be vaccinated for COVID, and

white evangelicals are among the least. And you know, I almost didn't put this in there, because it's one of those like, well, no shit, Sherlock, kind of stories. The white evangelicals have been whipped up by the right-wing politicians that's what it

is to poison the vaccine yeah which crazily their guy to hear them tell it their guy helped to champion i i've never in my life seen somebody both take credit for and denigrate the same thing that they took credit for and somehow do both things in the eyes of their supporters successfully. Yeah, no. It's 100% cognitive dissonance. That's the weirdest shit.

You've got to be like, so you're responsible for warp speed and that's good, but the product of warp speed is bad i don't know that he said that i don't know that he said it's bad no but he he's like ah it's your choice yeah he's not as forceful as he should be that's for damn sure he's even said he's been vaccinated he got laughed off the stage or shouted down in alabama that's true that's you know what i mean so he gets booed he knows what's not He knows it's not going to win

him a cheer. And so he'll never do it. He'll never talk about it because it's not going to win him a cheer. I want to say, though, you're absolutely right, Tom. They have poisoned this whole well by essentially turning this argument into a political argument. So when we say

it's people that are atheists or people that aren't believers are that's because most of the people that are on the right are Christian conservatives and they're older and they're older. And so that's why, that's why those numbers are different. And it's because they poison the well politically, this is a political issue. It should never be a political issue. It should be a scientific issue. It should not be a political issue. There should be no politics. In fact, every single politician in our government that

decries vaccines or says anything about personal freedom or any of that stuff, there should be something that should happen to them for not having the public, the entire public's good in their mind. They're essentially attacking the most vulnerable

parts of our public by allowing people and giving people those outs to not get vaccinated. That thought just occurred to me. I wonder if, and this won't happen, but I'm curious what your thoughts are. If there shouldn't be a, we've talked about prerequisites for lawmaking on this show, but I wonder if another way to approach the complexities of dealing with modern life would be to say, look, we have scientific issues are too complex for everybody to understand. We need to recognize that. And so we're going to set aside a certain committee of qualified Congress people, and they're the ones that get to vote on issues that fall in the science category don't they do that try to do that now but they just that's just political appointments now yeah those are like there's a science committee or whatever but

they're all just political but i think everybody in congress doesn't get a vote on everything right right so if it comes to like hey this is an issue about about the reality of a scientific question or medicine climate change etc the only people that should be allowed to vote on that question shouldn't be up to 538 people right you know because fucking 532 of them are fucking scientifically illiterate what is a guy who's like fucking uh animal husbandry degree gonna tell you about. Yeah. And I would put myself in that. If I were running a list of qualifications, I'd be like, yeah, I should be excluded from that. Sure. I have a fucking bachelor's in English literature.

Put me in the no column. Yeah. I don't know enough. Yeah. I should not be able to vote on that. Right. But maybe we should have like an advisory committee or a vote. Like, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know. Yeah. Everything shouldn't be up to the fucking general fucking 538 masses. Yeah. I, I, I am so appalled that there's so many people that, you know, we know, we see the data that masks help. We see the data that, you know, vaccines help. We see the data about all these things you know social

distancing helped all these all these things that are just there it's just there's just data on it and yet there's still people who want to fight about personal freedom i know and and that is the only thing that matters to them and to their constituency so So you'll get Ted Cruz saying, you know, how dare Big Bird tell people to get vaccinated. And it's because he's, he's, he's pandering to a group of people. Cause you know, Ted Cruz got fucking vaccinated.

Of course he did. One of the first people in line to get vaccinated. Like if you want your fucking life back, you got to do the stuff. You just, all of us, like, you just got to do the stuff.

Like I, I fucking want, I'm going to, and I know you had to do the same thing. So, I'm going to physical therapy for my shoulder, right? So, and when I go to physical therapy, like, that guy actually works me really hard. Like, so I'm, like, fucking sweating and huffing and puffing. Like, that dude works me pretty hard. And I have to wear a mask the whole time. Yeah, wear a mask the whole time, yeah. And I would much rather do that work without wearing a mask.

I do not like working out wearing a mask. whole time. And I would much rather do that work without wearing a mask. I do not like working out wearing a mask. I aggressively dislike it. But I don't know what the end game on that is unless everybody gets on board. If you want your personal freedom, you gotta just sacrifice a little

and you get it all back. Otherwise, you're just gonna have like fucking fits and starts and fucking little dribbly drabbly bits of it. Yeah. Without further interruption, let's celebrate and read some book. So for this week on Cognizant Book Club, we read chapter 19 of Demon Haunted World, No Stupid Questions. questions and this chapter is essentially about uh the lack of critical thinking the lack of science education in the united states it's really pointing a finger at the united states comparing us to other parts in the world throughout most of the chapter on how poorly we do in science

even though some of the best some of the best of our our and brightest of our science uh of the science minds the young science minds are some of the best in the world and brightest of our science, of the science minds, the young science minds, are some of the best in the world. It's just that it's not widely known and it's not widely taught. It's taught to very specific people in the United States,

privileged people, who can have that education that other people can't, or that's not widely available. And he starts the chapter out talking about you know how how interested young people really young people are and how you start to drop off with your interest in science and other things as time goes on school becomes hated instead of becoming a thing of you know wonder and uh and so it's really just a... Really, it does eventually come...

The eventual, I think, thesis of the whole thing is that we just need to do better. We just need to do better. Yeah, I could not help, as I was reading this chapter, I couldn't help but think, man, he wrote this so many years ago.

Yeah. And what he was saying is, without a scientifically literate populace, it doesn't do us any good to have an ultra scientifically literate elite. We need that. But we also need to have a scientifically literate populace. And if we don't have that, we are in real trouble. And he wrote this 25 years ago. Yeah. And if we don't have that, we are in real trouble.

And he wrote this 25 years ago. And what we have is a scientifically illiterate public. And we're in real trouble because of it. Very big trouble, yeah. And I'm reading this. Cecil, I'm fucking reading this thing out loud. And I'm kind of struggling to like reign in my desire to like laugh out loud in sadness. Sure. Or to like in comments and be like, we're not going to do it.

We're not going to do it, Carl. I'm sorry. You know, and it's going to kill 800,000 of us. Yeah, it did. And it did. Yep. And it's, I don't know when we're going to get the message or if we will. Yeah.

I worry that we won't, that we need a scientifically literate public. Everybody needs a baseline of scientific literacy that is significantly better than what we have now. And if we don't have it, we're going to increasingly fail because the threats that we will face are continuing to, like they scale up. Yeah. You know, they scale up in their ability to hurt us as we interact more, as the world gets more complex, et cetera. But without exactly what fucking Carl is saying,

we're boned, dude. And he was saying 25 years ago, you're going to be boned if you don't do this. Sure. Just think about the scientific, and I don't know that it's scientific illiteracy, but there is a level of, there's a bunch of people in this country

that don't think climate change is real. Right. Or they think that climate change is not a big deal, or they think that climate change is natural, or they think, you know what I mean? Like there's all these people, they have different ranging ideas when, you know, the, the, the large consensus on climate change by, and we're talking like 99% of scientists. So the only one is like the guy that fucking Ken Ham hired or whatever, but the rest of them are all like, no, this is a real threat. And there was an article this week

that came out that showed it was like a hundred, something like a hundred faces, not faces, but like a hundred vignettes about climate change. Oh God, I saw this. And as you scroll through,

it's just like all the different things that are happening in our world right now. These are happening in our world right now. Carl's talking about them before. In this chapter, he's talking about acidification of the ocean. In this chapter, he's

talking about global warming. He never realized how bad it would get in 25 years. He had no idea. Nobody knew how bad it was going to get in 25 years. It's terrible now. We're experiencing storms that we never seen before during times of years we never seen before. We're experiencing colder temperatures in areas that we never really... We're experiencing storms that we never seen before during times of years we never seen before.

We're experiencing colder temperatures in areas that we never really, we're experiencing highs in places that are above, way above that we ever could because the weather patterns are changing. Siberia was at 100 degrees the other day. 100 degrees in Siberia. There is 65 in December in the Midwest

and there were tornadoes that ripped through four states. There's an ice shelf. I was just reading this fucking story. 65 in December in the Midwest and there were tornadoes that ripped through four states. There's an ice shelf. I was just reading this fucking story. There's an ice shelf in Antarctica, the Thwaite Ice Shelf. I may be mispronouncing that. I'm sorry. I know we have an Antarctic listener. Please email me your correction. But they're saying that

it is the size of Florida. Yeah. And it's like finna crack off in like three years. Yeah. And when it like finna crack off in like three years. Yeah. And when it does, when that thing melts, which it will,

it'll take some time to melt, but once it cracks off, it'll melt, it'll drift around two feet of ocean rise. Two feet of sea level rise. Just from that? Just from that.

Insane. Two feet, man. Yeah. That goodbye most of, goodbye Fiji. Fiji's gone. Yeah. Fiji's not too, like goodbye, New Orleans, all the way up to, it's, this shit is happening.

Yeah. It's not maybe gonna. Yeah. It's happening now. It's actually happening. Yeah. And Carl was decrying it back then. Yeah. You know, we're seeing it now, but there's, but there's still people that will look you

in the face. And say it's not real. And say it's not happening. I know. There's nothing going on. This is, oh, that's just, that's how look you in the face. And say it's not real. And say it's not happening. I know. There's nothing going on. This is, oh, that's just, that's how weather is all the time. Yep.

You know, it's just strange and just crazy and whatever. Well, it was cold last week. Yeah, and that's exactly it. They'll just, they'll point at that. But we absolutely need something to, and I thought, you know, maybe COVID was going to be that thing that pinched us all when it first came out

because there was a real push from, I think everybody, when it first started, you know, for that first month, everybody was like, yeah, vaccine's going to save us. Let's get a vaccine. Yeah. I think that most people were on the fence. A lot of people. Sure. Yeah. You know, you're going to get people that are anti-vaxxers. They were going to be there anyway, but you know, within a month, the pandemic was out out. Within a month, Plandemic was out. I know. So, you know, people were all either ready to make money off of it or ready to lie to people or ready to just like think up some crazy theory on their own and then spread it. And, you know, and the internet transforms this misinformation from what used to be simple,

you know, misinformation of just a dummy to now thousands of length dummies. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And that's the real problem. So, it was a really interesting chapter.

I got to say, I loved it. I thought it was, you know, again, it's, what I love about it is, is you get

what you can still see. Carl talks about wonder of young people in the beginning. And what you can still see is Carl talks about wonder of young people in the beginning. And what you can still see is Carl's wonder as he talks about the things that make him think throughout, which I think is really great. It is, yeah.

He talks about, well, what about this thing? And what about this thing? And what about this thing? And he's talking about all these different things in nature and you can't help but smile and think, well, yeah, he's set his life on that course, I wonder. And he's not like

reluctant to share just the sort of like simple joy like that that sort of brings him. Yeah. And it's marvelous. Yeah. So next week, chapter 20, I don't know if 20 is House on Fire or not, but House on Fire is coming soon,

and I'm sure that's going to be really sad. Join us for Cogdiss Book Club. Buy this book, Demon Hunter World. We're having a blast reading it. Check it out. It's a hoot. So you want to get it if you can. Patrons, I'll read it to you.

Patrons, Tom's reading it. We are back for another session of Vulgarity for Charity. We want to thank everybody, of course, again, for the record-breaking donations that came in. And we are joined again by the shaggy, scooby, and scrappy of our mystery gang, Noah Heath. I have never been more insulted. Which one do you think you are in that group? It was implied that I am the scrappy.

How is that an insult? I'll swap you for scrappy. What? Scrappy dude? Scrappy and I... How is that an insult? That's the best one. That's the best... I'll swap you for Scrappy. What? Scrappy Doo's... Scrappy is... Scrappy... And hear me out.

Scrappy kicks so much fucking ass so hard that the Scrappy became a in-TV lingo for a character nobody likes.

I love Scrappy Doo. Still kicked a lot of ass. Okay, so before we jump in, we have yet another round. We have another round of those. So pure of heart and spirit that you just forked over dough without any demands. If you were our children, we wouldn't even ask

for a paternity test. Well, I might because I have a vasectomy, but other people might not. So big thanks to Holly, Jeff L, D from EP, Amy H., and Drew. And merci beaucoup to Aaron, James H., Brian and Laura, Matthew G., Sage, Carl K., and Jennifer B. And a big muchas gracias to Dan A., George, Megan O., Stephanie, Barefoot, I'm assuming Bree, and Steve C., and Maggie, and BJ. I'm assuming Bree and Steve C and Maggie and BJ.

And of course, a great big thank you to Justin, Dan, Richard D, Will H, Jared, Michael H, Wendy P,

Lawrence, and Atheistic Snail. Really, Tom? We went pay less. He took Spanish, so I didn't. That's all the legitimate language.

And believe it or not, we still have more of you generous folks to thank, but we'll do that on our final segment. All right, guys. This week, it's all about the high rollers.

So shine up your wits and give your best. And what better place to start than a roast for Robert of Robert. Yeah, so, okay.

So Robert didn't give us a lot to work with here. He included no biographical details and the only picture is a somewhat blurry shot of him in a crowd. But I feel like when you're sporting a moldy ass beard that looks

like it's dying from the bottom up like he is, you already know what I'm going after. So why bother adding that like you're an anime fan or something? Jesus, your face looks like it should be hanging from the tree at some antebellum plantation or something. It looks like something you should call your landlord about.

I mean, the red parts are just shitty, unkempt beard, but those necrotic bits below that looks like the creature from the Black Lagoon's pubes. And Eli, how about a roast of Missouri Governor Mike Parson for Tim and Jim Pitt? Well, Mike Parson looks like Mr. Rogers going undercover as an asshole. Like deep cover varsity pool. He looks like the dean of a college for squirrels with a very troubling sexual assault policy. All right, wait, I got one for you here, Cecil. of a college for squirrels with a very troubling sexual assault policy. Yeah.

All right, wait. I got one for you here, Cecil. Gretchen would like a roast of their farm animals. Okay. So their cows can't find the food that's in the same place every day. And I can't get too down on the cows

because I stare at a pantry full of boxes, cans, five types of artisanal flour and prepared foods that just need water. And I say there's nothing to eat. And then I order Grubhub and I wait for another human who picks up the food from really far away and he puts it right in front of my face. But I want to talk about these guinea hens. Here's what Gina wrote. Quote, they also stand alone in the middle of a pasture screaming for the others to find them.

Hawks and owls find them just fine. Started out with 70 this summer down to 30 within three months, end quote. And I just want to say, you know, Gina, you're the guinea hen Dr. Fauci, right? You calmly tell all your hens about the dangers of predatory birds and give them lots of ways to protect themselves from this completely preventable fate. And then they go outside and they scream about how this is all made up

and we need to follow the money and it's just big raptors trying to control us. And they'll be damned if you could take away their freedom and then in a blink of an eye, less than half of them are left.

That's pretty much... All right. Cecil can say guinea hen, by the way. He's Italian. I was moving my hands the whole time I was saying that. Now I'm picturing the hen in the... Oh, what's the matter with you?

You're coming down here. You're taking my babies away from me. Okay, this next one has you all over it. Kevin would like a roast of weddings. Oh, lovely. Yeah. So you got a big party, catered food, open bar, maybe live music. It sounds great.

How do you manage to fuck that up so bad? That's such a good concept. You fall in love and you make some illogical grand proclamations about it. All of a sudden, that amazing party I just described turns into the sleepover for the shitty spoiled kid that your mom makes you go to because that kid's mom called your mom and guilted her into it. And you have to go because of social convention.

Like, all right, fine. Yeah, I'll go to whatever shitty kid's party. I guess we get them a Nintendo game. Nope. Here's a list of approved gifts for that party. Also, you have to buy pajamas for a thousand dollars there are a thousand dollars no regular ones very expensive pajamas will they be comfortable they will not be comfortable they will be layered and you will dance in those very sweaty expensive

uncomfortable pajamas and if you don't dance everybody will gaslight you about how everyone likes dancing in very expensive sweaty sweaty, uncomfortable pajamas at weddings. They're awesome. Also, there's a rehearsal sleepover the night before. I forgot to mention it. You have to be there, too. Is it long? Yes, it's very long.

It's very long. And then you get to the actual party. You finally get to the actual party. party and you have to like fill out paperwork and get assigned a sleeping bag section that's either close or far away from the birthday kid based on how much they like you and that's measured and then maybe it finally seems like you're having fun you get through all this you're having a drink eating some appetizers they're very small but they're fine they're fine they're being and then the shitty kid's dad is like bing bing bing everybody say three nice things about my organizers. They're very small, but they're fine. They're fine. They're being passed around. And then the shitty kid's dad is like, bing, bing, bing. Everybody say three nice things about my shitty kid right now. You go first. You right there. You go right now. Say nice things.

It's the fucking worst. Let's start you off with a challenge. Venture free would like a roast of, quote, the most beloved, least deserving person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event ever to be roasted. Have at it. All right. So on a flight a few years before the end of the world happened, I watched a documentary about Mr. Rogers. And then right there on an airplane full of people, I began to tear up. The man was legitimately a treasure, and I, for one, am glad he's fucking dead. Because what separated Mr. Rogers from the rest of us is that he had this unique ability to remember and understand and cherish exactly what it felt like to be a kid.

Most of us don't have that. We know we were kids, but most of us can't remember what it really felt like. We've lost our compassion for what that means. Kids are social inconveniences rather than a stage of human development. They're seen as something less than fully human, not yet actually people. When Mr. Rogers sat in front of Congress and testified to the radical idea that we treat young people not as some separate and lesser being, but as actual human beings worthy of the same respect, attention, or resources we devote to adults, he swayed the hearts of even the heartless.

And now he's fucking dead, and that's good. Because we didn't stay the course. We abandoned that fucking ship pretty much the moment we could. His efforts to teach compassion and empathy by modeling a gentler, more vulnerable, and mature way of moving through the world were, it seems very clear now, entirely pointless. Can you imagine a Mr. Rogers in the age of YouTube and Twitter? How outmoded and utterly fucking useless we now know his special brand of quiet dignity is when compared to the endless vacuum of TikTok and Tinder. Mr. Rogers was, it must be said, fucking delusional

if he thought he could call upon and improve the better angels of our nature. And when I think of him, all I can say is that I am gratified that he has nothing more than a rotting corpse unable to see how completely wrong he was about everything. Yikes.

I feel like you cheated. I feel like you roasted everything but Mr. Rogers. Don't call it out for what it is. God damn it. He's Christian. Got another one for you here. Marcus would like a roast of Alex Arnett by friend of the show Aaron Rabinowitz,

but we didn't see this until it was too late so we actually just. So any Jew in the storm. I get it Cecil. I get it. You said it. Not me buddy. Okay. You said it. Marcus did not include a picture. Love that by the way donors

when it's someone I've never heard of and you just say how nice they are. It gives me a ton to work with. It's great for my job. But luckily for me and Tom and Mr. Rogers dead body, we live in the time of Facebook. So I can confirm that Alex is Thomas Smith's stunt double. He looks like he's going to talk to you about farm to table kombucha while you're recovering from the kidney he gave you so that it's almost not worth it. Right. You're like, you can have this back if you shut the fuck up. And Heath,

Denny and their wife would like a roast of their friend, Dorothy. Okay. So Dorothy is an anti-vaxxer. How dare you? He's included a picture in the notes. I'm so sorry. How good is this? I will get there. I will get to the picture, Eli. I will get to the picture. What is?

So, but I'm going to start by pointing out the anti-vaxxer thing. Also, I'm going to point out. Jesus Christ. She has a giant photo on her lawn of Donald Trump hugging the American flag. Do you remember that photo? Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah.

If you remember it, you might remember that it's actually more like Trump getting rejected for a hug by Fabric. So, Fabric didn't really want to make physical contact with Trump's gross body and it's rejecting the hug a little bit. So she's a horrible person on the inside. And that's what matters, right? That's what that's what really matters. But we're going to talk about the outside. And I have, as Eli mentioned, included a picture. The outside of this human being might actually be worse against all odds even after you heard about anti-vaxxer and trump shit the more you look at it the worse it's right

don't look directly into it i don't know details every time it's crazy did you make it bigger yeah you made it bigger yeah she looks like i think this is very accurate she looks like she went to a bachelorette party and the theme was trail of tears. To be clear, this is a white lady. A bunch of white, horrible, horrible people had a bachelorette party trail of tears theme. She's the mascot for the Washington appropriation team. Is that Christmas lights and a cotillion bow? Everyone has to do the rest of my roasts.

I'm going to be looking at this picture until I wither away in front of this computer. I'll sit back down. Thank you. Noah, this one's right up your alley. Thomas would like a roast of Mormon apostle Jeffrey R. Holland, who Eli roasted last week. Oh, yeah.

God, fuck this. So he's the one that made headlines last September by chastising the BYU faculty for not being homophobic enough. Right. Ever since they stopped trying to shock the gay out of students by electrocuting their balls way back in the mid 90s. Yes, that's true. I guess the little stamps that he put on the side of his plane when his religion bullied an LGBTQ person in a suicide aren't multiplying fast enough. So he made a whole big speech where he openly pined for the good old days. And if you're wondering what kind of speech it was, it was entirely framed in war analogies.

He used the word fire 10 times, musket 8 times, and made multiple references to wounds and scarring. Also, he looks like Herman Munster chose poorly. All right. And Cecil, one right back for you. The Jewish monk would like a roast for their friend, Bradley. So Bradley is a guy who says he's a Mormon. And I guess that means he can catcall female instructors in front of the class and get away with it because he's like,

come on! But the real egregious part of all this is that he's a Sargon fan. Fuck you. I only know Sargon because he tried to shoulder bump Tom at one time at a convention to intimidate him and it was like a pigeon trying to shoulder bump

a skyscraper window. Being a Sargon fan means that he isn't a bully himself. Instead, he's a bully voyeur. Yes, yes. So that's not being an actual pile of dog shit yourself, but instead, Bradley is the maggot on top of that pile, drinking it in and celebrating its splendor. Tom, Jamie V

would like a roast of their soon-to-be ex-husband, Andrew. Imagine for just a moment that you are a cop living in... You have to tell me. Imagine you're a cop living in, of all hell holes, Florida.

And then your wife goes to grad school and she becomes successful in her career now you have two choices as i see it the first option be yourself yeah that's before the first option be to put down the various implements of your enforcement of a racist and fascist regime maintained through violence and oppression and gratefully celebrate the upgrade in your life's opportunities that your wife's choices have afforded you. Or, option two, you can watch the tiny, pathetic worm of your dick shrink and wither

as your fragile fucking ego collapses under the weight of its own desperate toxicity so that you ultimately are left alone and sweltering in the thick putrescence of Floridian heat with your utility belt of cruelty and oppression as your chief companions on your lonely voyage into ever descending layers of capricious indifference and a need to dish out cruelty in a vain

attempt to regain some small passing vestige of your own self-worth. Andrew, in case you're new here, chose option two. And while, Jamie, I know you were hurt in the process, at the end of the day, it's always best to burn off the warts and be free.

Ian, Eli has put sweet rock guitar licks here. Like, squinting a nail. Thank you. As he says, squinting a nail. Just sample he's squinting a nail here. Like, squinting a nail. That's all I want now. Will you auto-tune he's squinting now here. Like squinting now. That's all I want now. Will you auto-tune me?

Squinting now. Well, if you put some distortion behind a squinting now, I think it'll work. Squinting now. Be careful. You could win a Grammy. Squinting now.

That's the sweet satanic guitar licks. And you know what that means? It's time for a little segment we call 666 Burns. Another section of sweet guitar licks here. How would those sound, Heath, if they were to... The following folks donated $666 for their roast. So your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is in addition to the roast,

tell us just what this person's hell will be like noah let's start with you why don't you roast the space force oh my god yes oh thank you rebecca who knew how weirdly appropriate that racist separate but equal introduction would be right but like if you have you ever imagined what the like colored drinking fountain of military you imagine the goddamn space which these motherfuckers are going to build our x-wing fighters y'all they can't figure out backwards have y'all seen their first attempt at pants i'm serious about this. Listeners, Google the

Space Force uniform pants. The internet backlash when they revealed that it was so bad that the Space Force apologized for their pants and promised to redesign a la the Sonic the fucking Hedgehog movie preview. It's like they're wearing

an uninflated bouncy castle from the waist down It looks less silly if they just had put Jungle camouflage on a space suit Oh and their hell would be this exact time Wrong with us Yeah I don't know that's true of most of us really Yeah yeah yeah

Do you guys sew a front butt into this? They have a poopy front Right? It's somehow poopy front, right? Like it's somehow poopy. Listeners, you have to Google this because Noah has included this picture in our notes and the woman on the left, she's keeping it chill, but the man on the right, he knows.

The man on the right, that is very clearly like a NASA scientist, somebody, somebody. And they were like, Dave Dave you'll wear these right and he was like no Eli what will hell be like for Final Fantasy 14's Gaia oh probably appropriately clothed this is a Final

Fantasy character so while everyone around her is dressed like a sharpness themed clown she of course is dressed like a sharpness-themed clown, she of course is dressed like a Hot Topic-themed escort. Also, Square, you're not fooling everybody. She's not a cool, standoffish character. You just didn't want to animate her face, guys.

I can't believe you. Everyone's having a hard time. Alright, Tom. A little bit of a curveball for you. What awaits the American sexual education system in the Lake of Fire? Oh, the American sex ed system? You mean where we arm teenagers with unhealthy and unscientific ideas, extolling the virtues of abstinence, which they will absolutely ignore,

shield them from access to any meaningful tools for contraception and disease control, ignore the diversity of human sexual expression, and pretend that all of this happens or doesn't in a vacuum devoid of any need to interact kindly and lovingly with themselves and their partners, while still incredibly making sure that nearly every teenager in America has 24-7 access to any and all manner of porn that they can find but cannot contextualize on the internet? That American sex ed system? Well, I guess hell for that system would be to endlessly be stuck in a classroom

whose text is a live-action pop-up version of the joy of sex as taught by a Finnish lesbian. All right, Cecil, how about you tell us what's in store for Kunal, Liss, and Sam's sister, Gopika? Gopika sounds terrible. What kind of horrible shithead daughter puts her mom in danger by not getting vaccinated and then living with her? She's getting free trips to other parts of the world and complaining about them. She's so selfish and entitled.

She's Caillou's spirit animal. She's just a forgettable brat. She's Veruca Salt Substitute. She's just a forgettable brat. She's Veruca Salt Substitute. For her version of hell, I'd say she should have to work in the service industry for an endless stream of people like her.

That means these demanding assholes are going to run a rag and leave her a 5% tip, which is what she tips, by the way, is 5%. She's the worst. Also, she looks like someone shaved the muppet drummer and just left the eyebrows

that's the only thing that's like as bad as not tipping 5% is worse than not tipping that is a challenge that is a challenge to a fight that is like a cordial invitation to a fist fight

you're allowed to punch somebody in the face if they leave a 5% tip. That's my official policy. Smack them with a glove. Yeah. Heath, why don't you close out our 666 Burns with one for Colin's mom's anti-vax nurse, Sharon. Yeah. Okay. This is an

anti-vax nurse who was somehow allowed to provide in-home hospice care but and not in like a good euthanasia way she's a literal terrorist now i know the word literal gets overused but not here not right now that's terrorism you're a biological warfare fucking terrorist so i'm usually anti-Gitmo, but, not right now. Not right now.

If you really expand out Gitmo, we make it the anti-vaxxer quarantine zone. We blast the dubstep in there. We do fingernail stuff. You get waterboarded. We're not getting any information from the torture.

I'm just saying we do. I don't know. We just do it. The waterboarding, it's actually a homeopathic remedy for COVID. So, you're not getting any information from the torture. I'm just saying we do. I don't know. We just do it. And the waterboarding, it's actually a homeopathic remedy for COVID. So you're all welcome. And I'd say that what I just described was the anti-vax nurse's personal hell. But it's not. It's not. She'd be smug about how she totally predicted this exact persecution on Facebook by the libs and the big government.

this exact persecution on Facebook by the libs and the big government, her actual hell would be your kid going to public school with science education and critical race theory. When Sharon, her name is Sharon, by the way, it's almost Karen. It's really fucking close. Her name is Sharon.

When Sharon's on her deathbed in her final moments of consciousness, her daughter is going to lean in close and say, I vaccinated you when you were sleeping last night. Enjoy hell, you bitch. That's the round. Before we wrap up, we've got a few special requests. Let's see who gets special requests.

All right, let's check this out. And when you're giving this kind of money, we'll do whatever you want, starting with Jennifer, who would like a roast of Dan Snyder from Noah. Oh, what a good. So yeah, Dan Snyder is like if a snit came to life, right? This is, of course, the owner of the NFL team

that was formerly known as the Washington racial epithets. But now it's the Washington, if I can't have my slur, nobody gets a name. This is a man who literally sued season ticket holders who had to cut and run during the Great Recession. He charges

fans to tailgate in the parking lot. And when fans started bringing signs to the game about what an asshole he was, he banned signs in the stadium.. And when fans started bringing signs to the game about what an asshole he was, he banned signs in the stadium. He had security guards eject people wearing shirts that mentioned what a fucking asshole he was.

But of course, he's perhaps most famous for sexual harassment and creating a workplace that's hostile to women even by the standards of the NFL. Yeah, yikes. He also, I didn't realize this until I started researching for this roast,

had a bunch of old growth forest in a national park illegally plowed because it was blocking his view of the river. What? Yeah, he's like sniveling type villains in every work of fiction somehow fused. He's plunging a plunger

on a teen center right fucking now. Okay, Eli, this next special request is for you. Donnie would like a roast of those who use social media to sell merchandise.

And my special request is that you do it as a person who uses social media to sell merchandise. Okay. Hey, girl, stop scrolling

because you have to see my must-use product for the holiday. A soul. Okay. Hey, girl, stop scrolling because you have to see my must-use product for the holiday. A soul. Yes. This is the one you've seen on TikTok and I wasn't sure about it,

but as soon as I saved this sound, I realized that preying on parasocial relationships to sell cheaply made plastic shit and skincare that doesn't do anything is just above child trafficking and morality.

But it gets better. I do actually have an affiliate link for those guys, so check out the link in my bio, because if I sell another of this, I'll still be poor, but I will have trapped myself in this cycle, so it's the only way I can express myself for my whole life.

Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Okay, Heath, special request for you. Corey and Michelle would like a roast of their lovely family, including their two sons, Jack, 11, and Andy, 9. And your challenge is to do it in the character of a family photographer trying to get your shot.

Okay. Hey, family. I'll be the photo guy who also says aggressively mean shit while I take your picture. This is normal. aggressively mean shit while I take your picture. This is normal. So the original plan, by the way, was to roast Jack and Andy.

That's what it said in the request, but that got vetoed by mom because Jack and Andy, your mom wants to infantilize you. She doesn't think you can take it. All your shitty art, it's going to go up on the fridge and they're going to say it's good and all your burgundy participation ribbons for hockey and whatever else they're going to go

on the wall because that's winning no it's not no it's not also you're never going to own a house because capitalism is unfair to upper middle class white kids from california it's really hard for all of you also your mom looks like a box of white Zinfandel. Like, fuck. It fucked another box of white Zinfandel. And, you know, it was drunk on a box of white Zinfandel when that all happened. Okay, great photo. Here's my business card. I'm Heath from Heath's Photos and Roasts. Tom, here's a special request.

How about some good old-fashioned roasty toasty for Richard's co-worker, Matt? Okay, you know, I don't usually go in on the appearance thing for my insults, but for Matt, I'm going to have to make an exception. Matt looks like if smug and wrong

met in a dive bar just outside a military base and ugly fucked on the bathroom floor next to a pile of day-old vomit. Matt's that guy at your work that has weaseled his way up the food chain to the highest point of his staggering incompetence and has somehow wedged enough of his mistakes into the crevices of the organization

that firing him seems tantamount to disassembling the whole machine. But I'll tell you what, Richard. It is worth disassembling the machine. I know because I have done it. Oh, Richard, it is worth disassembling the machine i know because i have done it oh richard hit his worth it you will wake up the morning of his departure without your alarm and sporting morning wood that you are afraid might last more than four hours my friend you will not need your coffee and you will glide gently to work on the wings of vengeance angels and after when you are cleaning up a bunch of wood while that's happening after when you are cleaning up the stinking piles of fetid shit

that guys like this always leave behind it will be the most rewarding work you do even if it pulls you away from friends and family for hours or days or weeks because you'll know that you've excised that worthless cancer and that and this is important and that you weeks, because you'll know that you've excised that worthless cancer and that, and this is important, and that you hurt him because you did. Guys like Matt think they are invulnerable. That perceived invulnerability is and always was their plan. And I am telling you that nothing in the world is as wonderful as seeing the absolute shock and horror and disbelief on the faces of the mats of this world when you tell them that you will ship a box of their

personal effects to their home and you take their fucking keys. Just do it, Richard. You never forget your first. I'm scrolling here, Eli. I see one for Noah. Special request for Noah. One for Eli. One for Keith. One for Tom.

Oh, okay. I guess I just got roasted by everyone who submitted a roast. Okay, great. Thanks, everybody. Appreciate it. No, no. A special request for Cease. Okay.

Let's wrap it up tonight. Some full team roasting for the most deserving, starting with Jacqui and Miles, who would like us to roast Mitch McConnell. Oh, nice. Mitch McConnell looks like he's the shitty old chicken who just learned a valuable lesson from the younger chickens in an animated movie. Except he doesn't ever learn,

so the best we can hope is that someone makes him into wings. It looks like he has the evolution version of Benjamin Button. You know what I'm saying? His face evolved backward into an amoeba, like a single cell. And the amoeba is melting now.

He looks like primordial ooze in a suit. That's it. Mitch McConnell looks like his skull is two sizes too small for his head skin. He's like a stress ball at the end of a long career.

His cheeks look like someone had quickly repackaged a parachute and left some hanging out the side. He's like someone tried to stuff all that evil black stuff from the fifth element into an uncooked puff pastry.

It's like the Space Force uniform pants of faces. That's the best part. So good. Also, he's evil on a level never before seen in American politics. And I say that knowing what that means. He also deserves to have the flesh ripped from his bones while he's still alive. But yeah, the face.

It's like he's got face pleats, but with glue instead of sticking. Just random glue face pleats by hand. Yeah. Mitch McConnell looks somehow like a flaccid turtle. Like when his skin turned black. Do you remember this? When his skin turned black?

It appeared he was rotting on the inside. I think about it every day. In that moment, I think he would have died, but he couldn't even get hard with rigor mortis. Yeah. Nothing left to die. Let's just think about it again. You remember when he was rotting?

I did like that. It's just one step away. One step. TikTok. All right. How about podcaster John Dullen? I'm going to go first here. John Dullen looks like an alternative reality good guy,

Bill Belichick, that decided to coach peewee hockey instead. And he's just happy. Everyone's having a good time out there. You know? He looks like a stunt double for a men's warehouse commercial. I like John. John's very nice.

I like his show. But nice. I like his show, but he does look like his teeny, teeny, tiny eyebrows are inching together in the hopes of forming a single, normal-sized human brow in the middle of his forehead. Right?

Like, they talked it out and they're going to go for like a hyphen of hair for a bindi in the forehead and no one notices. Don't feel bad about it, too. Some people have bigger eyebrows, some people don't. It's not how you use them, right?

And by the way, he looks like a podcaster. Oh, he does. Oh, that's slow. Here's one. I know we've been looking forward to Susan Collins, but our donors, Carl O. and nine-year-old son Samuel have requested that you not roast Maine when you do it.

Okay, yeah, no, Maine gets enough of it. I get it. Fuck Maine. All right, but now, but starting now. Why would you do that to Sammy? So Susan Collins is the fucking half-assedly reaching for the check, but not really of people. Right?

She's like, if waiting for you to stand up before saying, do you want me to get it, could get its hair done. But didn't. Susan Collins isn't the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood. She's the wolf's dinner guest. She'll lower her

glasses and look down her nose at the wolf and shake her head when it kills the grandmother and then she'll fry up Nana's liver with some thyme and shallots and a bit of red wine because it's a sin to let this thing go to waste. She's not going to say Jewish forced labor is right, but you can't deny this kind of crap.

Look at this lamp. Oh, shit. I'm concerned about this lamp. Susan Collins overturned Roe versus wade yep yeah that's the only thing a history book is ever going to say about her she imagines her that she's dedicated herself to a lifetime of political service but deep down she knows she's just a coward and a traitor and she will be remembered only for lacking the moral fortitude of benedict arnold yeah that's accurate

okay so you know how you're not supposed to say i'm definitely a better black person than ben carson if you're white even though i am even though i clearly am well i'm a better woman than susan collins i'm better of a woman than you. I'm better than you. Susan Collins thought it would be a good idea to gamble the future of the country against her overriding need to keep her job. Think about how small and crass that is. Imagine if any of you guys did the same thing. Imagine if you had a chance time and again to do the self-evidently right thing, but instead you check the temperature of how doing the right thing would play against a backdrop of slack-jawed dipshits, and you let the capricious whims of those yokels dictate your moral compass all so you could keep your actual fucking job. If as a podcaster, the audience

senses that I have become a pandering simp, they will and they should turn on me like a pack of feral hounds. But this is the first and only line on Collins' resume. I hate Susan Collins and I hope she gets stuck living in Maine forever. I couldn't help it. You did it at the end there. Almost made it.

Almost made it. Sorry, Sammy. Nine years old. Sorry, Sammy. A glint in his eye. Scarred him forever. Bookends. Fuck Maine. And last nine years old sorry Sammy oh a glint in his eye scarred him forever bookends fuck Bane and last and also in a lot of ways

least Jennifer G a scathing girl would like a roast of Bob Ellis and I want to start off how was she least

I lots of ways least I don't know I think the person we're roasting the person we're roasting I think that's what Eli was getting at when he wrote that line I don't know I see think the person we're roasting. Why would you say that? The person we're roasting, I think that's what Eli was getting at

when he wrote that line. I don't know. I see, okay. I want to start off by giving you my condolences for losing your mom last month. I lost my mom several years ago and I'm not sure you ever really get over it. But this pastor is an absolute fucking,

okay, that's inappropriate. But this pastor is an absolute piece of work. Who stands in front of people at a funeral and downplays the goodness of the deceased? He should just stand outside a cemetery with a sign that says, meh, they weren't that great. Come on, you agree, right?

Come on. And him telling everyone you don't have to be good to get into heaven is the only way he can convince a bunch of shithead, morally bankrupt suckers to pay his rent. Yep. Also, he looks like,

if you made like a paper mache model of montgomery burns where you used earwax instead of he also looks every bit the guy who would work the phrase but don't answer yet into a eulogy which is apparently exactly what he is see this ignominious shit rivulet turned jennifer's's funeral into, in her own words, an infomercial for Christianity. He's the kind of ignominious shit-revelant, in fact, that sees the suffering of others as a sales lead. And the hardest part of his job is no doubt concealing his excitement when he learns that somebody with a real big family died. He's a societal tumor, and that's probably why he looks so much like something you would go to a doctor to have removed. Wow, Jennifer. I know this guy ruined your mom's

funeral by pushing his religion on everyone, but you didn't have to push him into the cremator and leave him there for eight or nine hours. That's not nice. Oh, unless that's just what his face looks like. It does, though. In which case I have no idea why this man

is afraid of hellfire. I'd be like, oh, what are you going to do? Burn me? Come on. It's like a spa for him. Seriously, somehow he has resting exploding cigar face. That's all the time he looks like a cigar just exploded in his face. I like it.

Concise. It's a beak on the back of his head. A Pastor Bob Ellis spent your mom's service running his Crazy Eddie Discount Jesus Emporium sales pitch because in his mind

he actually thinks that shit is comforting. This is a guy who believes that in heaven you get a mansion which is a very weird thing to want or need in heaven.

Yes. Thank you. But it does make total sense if among your many failures you are also saddled with a deep and abiding failure of imagination yeah bob couldn't get anything about your mom right because he didn't know your mom any more than an accountant is friends with his ledger book to bob your mom and everyone else on earth is a goal a name to notch on a cross as another soul saved your mom and everyone else on earth is a goal, a name to notch on a cross as another soul saved. Your mom deserved so much better than that, so much more. Console yourself with this. When it is Bob's turn to go, no matter who gives that eulogy,

it too will be an empty, repetitive, talking points commercial, hollow and devoid of meaning. The difference being that his eulogy will perfectly capture exactly who he is. Yeah. All right. So we have one more to go. That's going to be unscathing. Guys, we're wrapping this up real quick.

Thank you so much for joining us and doing this and inviting us along. Shouldn't this take an extra year and a half? I feel like I feel like I'm going to let's just stall the last one. Let's just, yeah. Let's just do one a week. We'll just read it real slow.

We'll do another one in spring. So we'd like to thank our patrons. Of course, we'd like to thank all our patrons, like our newest patrons, Dan, Matthew, Kelly, and Vern. Thank you so much for your generous donations. Thank course, we'd like to thank all our patrons, our newest patrons, Dan, Matthew, Kelly, and Vern. Thank you so much for your generous donations.

Thank you, guys. You guys make the show go around just letting you know we're able to pay our salary of our employees, give them modest bonuses around Christmas time because of you. Because we're job creators.

Yeah, because we're job creators. Well, you guys are job creators. We're the people who also help. But thank you. Thank you. No, seriously, without you guys, we wouldn't be able to pay people who work for us and pay for the services that we use

to make this podcast happen. Absolutely. So we want to talk about a little bit of email that we got this week. We got a message from Phoenix. And Phoenix said, he's like, I love you guys, but you guys dropped the ball on homelessness.

He said, over 500,000 people in every single day, every single one is batshit crazy on drugs and doesn't want help. That's the message I took from what you said. We talked about homelessness last episode in a very brief one-off quick message where Tom and I were on a back and forth about something. And I had mentioned, we mentioned that we don't take care of the homeless

in this country and we don't take care of the people who are also mentally ill in this country. In fact, many of them wind up homeless. And I said, some of them refuse care. I think Phoenix, you might've misheard what we had said on the show. And just for clarification, we're doing a disservice to the homeless in this country.

Yeah, absolutely. We do not have proper mental health care. We don't have proper social safety nets. There should not be in a rich society, there shouldn't be homelessness. It is a crime against our own citizenry that there is anybody homeless. Yeah. So any other message, I'm sorry if it came across any other way. Cecil and I both feel very strongly that it is the failure of our social safety net

and governmental systems to take care of its own fucking citizens and provide for their basic needs. There should not be homelessness in a polite and wealthy society. There is no excuse for there to be an Elon Musk and one fucking homeless person.

Yeah, absolutely. No, both of us agree on that. And I don't feel like that's what we were talking about. But if that's the message you got, the wires were certainly crossed. You did send a link. I'll try to include the link for invisiblepeople.tv on this week's show notes so people can check it out. It's a way to help

understand homelessness in the United States. So I will post it or have Ian post it on this week's show notes. Thank you, Phoenix, for sending in a message. We got a bunch of messages about your roast about suicide, Tom. Yeah, so I just wanted to say, you know, thank you to the people that sent in a message. I think it struck a nerve with some people. Suicide, it's a touchy and difficult subject. And if the roast that I did, I meant what I said. And if the roast that I did struck a chord with people,

I'm honored and humbled to have done that. Thank you. We got a couple people commenting on one of our patron posts. They're saying that Rockford drivers are worse than Chicago drivers. You are high. That's impossible. You are high. That's literally impossible. I've driven to Madison

multiple times straight through Rockford. There is... I could close my eyes to drive through Rockford. In fact, I'm a Chicagoan multiple times straight through Rockford. I could close my eyes to drive through Rockford. In fact, I'm a Chicagoan. That's what I do. I have driven through Rockford so many times and you don't even notice you're driving through Rockford, but there's no way to drive through Chicago and not notice you're driving because it's a goddamn racetrack of assholes. It's the worst. I was in Chicago driving around yesterday. Is there ever a time you drive to Chicago and don't see an asshole?

Oh my God, it's the worst. Yesterday, I'm driving down the road and there's a guy half in the bike lane, half in the regular lane. And there's enough traffic where I can't get him across. And he keeps on turning his turn signal on and then changing his mind. And he keeps doing it over and over,

but he won't get over. He won't stop just to see where he needs to be, right? Like the smart thing to do and the courteous thing to do would be to just look and be like, you know what? I don't know where the fuck I am. I'm going to figure out where the fuck I am.

And then I'm going to fix where I am to where I want to be. Instead, he's just like, well, this isn't it. Well, this isn't it. Driving by trial and error. And then it's everybody behind him. It's just like, well, this isn't it. Well, this isn't it. Driving by trial and error. And then it's everybody behind him is just like, what the fuck are you doing? And then he pulls over to the side of the road and then he gets back on it.

It's just, and that's just one second. It's, I would drive across town to get to the studio before. And my, my drive, eight block drive sometimes would be 45 minutes because Chicago's an absolute snarl. would be 45 minutes because Chicago's an absolute snarl. But then I would, I sometimes wished I had a fucking,

like a dash cam just so I could show people like, look at what is happening. I know. I know. I cannot tell you how many times I'm driving in the car

and like, I'll like point to, I'll be like, I gotta just stay away from that guy. And you'll see like, they're just weaving, they're driving crazy

fucking fast. They don't know where the lane starts and stops. And it is every single time that you make a drive into Chicago. It's not like sometimes or most of the time. I'm telling you that without hyperbole, I cannot think of a single time I've driven into and out of the city that you don't encounter at least one severely dangerous asshole. And when you live there, you encounter them one after the other. I can't imagine what that's like.

It's awful. It's genuine. Driving in Chicago is a danger. It's scary. I used to drive my bike in the protected bike lane. That was where I would drive. I'd be like, no, I'd rather drive my bike because people are psyched.

And the bicyclists are terrible too. Everybody's terrible. Chicago drivers are the worst in the nation. Hands down the worst in the nation. I will challenge anybody to a bad drive off. That was terrible. Chicago drivers are the worst in the nation. Hands down the worst in the nation. I will challenge anybody to a bad drive off. You will lose. You'll lose. Haley is from New York.

She went to New York. She would drive. She will drive into New York City without even thinking about it. It was easy. Without even thinking about it. It was so easy. I did it during rush hour. She's lived here for five years.

She will not drive into Chicago. She's unwilling to do it. I had a guy driving in rush hour into New York. I'm driving into Manhattan from Long Island. I drove in. I had a guy wave me in. What? Waved me in. He let you in? I didn't know the lane ended because I'm not from there. So I'm the asshole in the lane like, oh shit, this lane ends. I got to get over. And he's like, come on, buddy. No problem. Waves me in.

I was like, where the fuck am I? What the fuck is happening? People in the fucking school drop-off line. I'm not even making it. In the school drop-off line, they will not, like it has to zipper. Yeah. It has to zipper. They will cock block you in the school drop-off line here.

Yeah. Anyway, we have the worst drivers's hand stump. The worst! Worst driver's hand stump. There is no argument. This fight is over. I said good day. I said good day. Alright, we got a message. This is from Brad. He says, growing a beard. He basically

says, I recently started growing a beard. I knew you guys must have talked about your beards in the past, but I can't go back and listen. My question is, what do you recommend for maintaining a beard? I did a quick look on the internet. My BS detector went up. So my suggestion is buy good beard soap and good beard conditioner. You're going to want to probably get yourself some beard balm to control your beard.

If your beard is really kinky, there's these comb straighteners that are hot that might help with your beard not being as kinky anymore and as puffy out on your face. But if it's kinky, don't shame. Yeah, and don't shame it. Whatever you do. And if you want to be kinky, you can go to adamant.com, type in Gloria Checkout.

But yeah, so those are the things I think that are pretty easy. Go to a barber, get a barber. Yeah, get a good barber. Get a good barber. Find your right, find your correct barber because there's going to be a barber somewhere that you're going to want to, you know, you're going to find them.

I happen to have a lady barber and she does a great job on my beard. And I love it. I go back. It's hard for me to even book with her with a month out. It's like a month out. It's crazy. But she's great. I couldn't echo that more.

Find an amazing barber. My wife actually makes a beard like a balm for my, cause it's non-comotogenic. So she makes that a Shea oil, Argan oil and jojoba oil. But there are any number of good quality, but you got to put something in there. Like once it reaches a certain length, like you've got to condition your skin

and your beard with some kind of an oil or something. Oil or balm. Right. One or the other. Yeah. I, I use a, I use a balm and it's a very, it's almost waxy in some ways and it like holds your beard in a, in place kind of. Um, but yeah, that, that, that's what you're going to want to, you're going to want to look into all that stuff. And then, you know, if you're going to trim it yourself, just, you, you know, you just gotta, gotta realize it's going to grow back. That's the key.

Right. Yeah. You're going to fuck that up. You're going to fuck it up once or twice, but you'll figure it out too. Cause I used to do that for years. I would trim my own beard when it was short. Yeah. Cause that's easy enough, but I never gotten the hang of it. Once it, once it starts getting bigger, it's actually a lot harder for you to do on your own. I would suggest getting a barber. Good luck with your beard. Bearded people unite. We got a couple of people sending messages. This one was a comment on our blog. This is from Terry. And they said that the thing about Ilhan Omar

and Lauren Boebert never happened. Evidently, it was bullshit that she told her followers and then it got back to Ilhan Omar somehow. I don't know. Really? I don't know what... The story that we read made it seem as if it happened. Right. It physically happened. But we're not

sure behind any of that stuff. But a couple of people sent in messages saying it never actually happened. This could have just been like a flex to her... It could have just been just a flex to her followers. Oh my god. We got an image from Seth sending us a elf with a very special present and a gift for you.

So we're going to post it on this week's show notes. Caliente. We got a message. This is last week. We read this last week, but it got cut from the show because of things borked. We got a message from Milo who let us know that it's not Kool-Aid in Junestown. It's grape flavor aid. God damn it. God damn it.

We didn't know. Actually, we actually had a whole conversation about Kool-Aid on our show. We both agreed cherry was the best, of course. Cherry is the best flavor. And then we shifted and we decided that we would also accept Grape Bubblicious because we talked about Grape Bubblicious. Grape Bubblicious is so good.

It's so good. But cherry's good too. Cherry was also very, very good. You missed that whole conversation. Actually, everybody did because it got borked by our recorder. We got a bunch of messages inviting Tom to either go

see the space shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral or telling him the best way to do it. So thank you all for sending messages. That's super awesome. We did also mention too that we both really want to see the collider.

That would be cool to see too. So if anybody out there has a season pass to the Collider, let us know. We got a message from Tucker and Tucker tells us that the QAnon stuff is super weird but it might actually turn into maybe a

religion down the road, especially because they're sort of dipping into other parts of Americana, JFK and stuff. I don't think that that's religion down the road, especially because they're sort of dipping into other parts of, you know, Americana, JFK and stuff. I don't think that that's wrong, man. I don't think that that's wrong. He mentions the seven-day Adventists. He's like, they're just as fucking nutty. So, you know. They were the Millerites. Yeah. So,

that is going to wrap it up for this week. We want to thank, of course, the Puzzle and Thunderstorm guys for joining us again for Vulgarity for Charity on the last segment here on Cognitive Dissonance. But join us next week. We will be on their show, Scathing Atheist. And of course you can check out their show every week, but we'll be on their show next week

for their episode of Vulgarity for Charity that they're going to have on their show. And we want to thank them for bringing us along. And we want to thank you guys for your amazing support in this endeavor. The Modest Needs raised so much money and it was such an amazing outpouring. So we just wanted to send, just tell everybody that it was just, we were just so happy that this turned out the way it did and that you all made it happen. Thank you guys so

much. It's an enormous amount of gift giving and help that you've provided to so many people. So that is going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info doc utainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts,

shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness,

suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.