Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 613: Toaster Shakins 2021

Episode Date: January 27, 2022

Clips from the following episodes: Episode 564 31:29 - 35:00 Episode 558 25:23 - 32:29 Episode 570 54:25 - 1:00:09 Episode 575 56:32 - 1:02:05 Episode 581 49:04 - 57:35 Episode 585 17:37 - 26:41 STOP SENDING IAN P**N  13:40 - 20:36 Episode 597 16:28 - 20:41 Episode 603 38:34 - 44:10 Gentlemen, you can't declare holy war in here! This is a Church!   24:25 - 35:37

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Hey everyone, welcome to this special episode of Cognitive Dissonance Toaster Shaken's 2021. The best and worst of the show over the past year. Let's get started. This first clip comes from episode 564, I'm Not a Cat, published on February 15th. Looks like you're not sleeping well. Yeah, Mike, I'm not sleeping well. Maybe because someone's been smoking crack in a weird void in my house again. I'm here to help you get the best sleep of your lives. Mike, please, I'll buy a pillow, whatever. Just please get out of my bathroom. Honey,

will you give me the credit card so I can buy another fucking crack pillow from Mike? I love this shit. This is from Yahoo News. My pillow CEO, Mike Lindell, releases absurd conspiracy infomercial. I love that they uploaded it to YouTube and they misspelled the title. The video called Absolute Truth, which apparently mistakenly was uploaded to YouTube as Absolute Truth.

Absolute Truth. It's just like you're arguing at the end of the night at 2 a.m. Right. No, no, no. Let me tell you. First of all, it's a great pillow. So that just goes without saying. This is the absolute truth, you know?

It's just, I'd do a lot of things if I had some money. This fucking guy, I also love, there's a video clip where he's on Newsmax. Oh, yeah. And they have him on Newsmax, guys. It's so good. Newsmax of all places, right? This dumb motherfucker, he's on Newsmax. And Newsmax of all places, right? This dumb motherfucker.

He's on Newsmax and the guy and he's like, well, we had you on to talk about your suspension from Twitter and he's like, Dominion voting machines and the guy asked him, the guy from Newsmax who they're getting sued for like a gurgillion. He has to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We have not verified that. This is not credible information. Yeah, he reads a statement. He grabs a piece of paper off his desk and then he starts reading the lawyer's statement. And at one point, the fucking, what's the guy's name? Is it, what's the MyPillow guy's name?

Mike Lindell. Mike Lindell. He's still going and they've turned his mic down and the guy's reading the statement. He finished his statement and then he just looks at the camera and he just gets up and leaves.

He just leaves his own interview. It's the best. It's so good. It's so good. It's so great. It's so fucking amazing. You know what? It cemented in me

when I saw that he made his own infomercial. I realized that this guy is QAnon Ross Perot. That's what he is. He is. He's a dumb motherfucker who somehow has so much money. So much money. So much. And he's making infomercials to try to convince you of something.

And it's literally QAnon Ross Perot. That's what this guy is. He's a, but I will say, man, like the Dominion lawyers, when they get a hold of this thing and they finally get him in trial, one of them's just going to on top, you know where the prosecution sits or whatever,

they're going to, they're going to take, they're going to pull out of my pillow and then they're going to just have hard eye contact while they dry hump it on the fucking table. They're just going to hard eye contact him

the whole time and then they're like, our case rests. Thank you very much seriously this is going to be the legal equivalent of jumping from the top rope like they're just

whoop boom it would be awesome it would be awesome if they treat the pillow like a wrestler and they're doing suplexes

like with the pillow and then they drop an elbow on it in front of them and then like they do the leg drop tag the woman in who's behind the desk

and she comes out and she does it he throws him off the ropes and it's actually the judge pulls his shirt off and he's fucking ripped his shit and he starts laying

some beats down he starts hitting the gal he's like oh yeah oh man man this clip comes from episode 568 The cowboy's like, oh, yeah. Oh, man. Man. This clip comes from episode 568, V4C 2019 part 10, published on March 15th. This is from Raw Story.

It was a missile strike. Trump fans go nuts claiming Nashville bomb was a Chinese plot to steal the election. claiming Nashville bomb was a Chinese plot to steal the election. I'm just going to go ahead and read that again because maybe it includes all the elements that were involved. Are they on a different calendar? I know the answer to that is yes.

Still, the difficulty is that you missed it by a lot. Why in Tennessee? That was never even like a state in contention. You missed it by a lot. Why in Tennessee? Why? That was never even like a state in contention. It's because they think that Dominion voting machines are controlled down there. Just all the monatomic gold is in Tennessee or some shit. God. So I got to read some of this.

This is fucking amazing shit. The complicated theory began circulating soon after an RV exploded in downtown Nashville. The Trump followers believe that the explosion was actually a missile strike aimed at destroying Dominion voting machines that were allegedly being audited at an AT&T facility.

What? So, fuck. Okay. That feels like a mad lib. That genuinely feels like a mad lib. It does. It feels like you said, give me the name of a company. Give me the name of a, I don't know.

Give me the name of a state, a random state. Doesn't it feel just absolutely like a mad lib? This whole thing feels like a mad lib. Nashville RV bomb. Chinese plot missile strike steal the election. Like, it's just, this is conspiratorial. Conspiracies against humanity is what it is. You just got like a fucking series of insane cards.

And you're like, okay, I'm going to play Lizard People, Dominion Voting Machine, 5G. I just put all your cards. I got fucking Rummy. Can you get Rummy in this game? I got Jin. Oh, Jesus Christ. Can't have enough Jin to make this make sense. So here's the tweet.

Because my name is Lucian, I read about St. Lucian of Antioch. He was falsely accused of heresy. Kyle Rittenhouse lives in Antioch, Illinois. Kyle was falsely accused of heresy. Kyle Rittenhouse lives in Antioch, Illinois. Kyle was falsely accused of murder. What? He murdered somebody, like, on camera. He did it twice. Anthony Quinn Warner is under investigation

for Nashville bombing. He lives in Antioch, Tennessee. And it's a little deeper than that. It is a little deeper than that. Because, you know, Cecil... Well, because, you know, his name is Warner, and that's just a little bit away from

Time Warner, the cable company. Now, Time Warner, Cecil, Time Warner is competitors for broadband service with AT&T. And so Warner, what he knew is that it was about time to take out AT&T. And so Warner, what he knew is that it was about time to take out AT&T.

Time. Ah, yeah. And if you count the number of sides, you get a cube. And it's time cube, Tom. And that's why he drove an RV, right? Because an RV is a big cube. QED, motherfuckers.

He goes on. times the square root of, which is an RV, is, okay, I lost myself. I'm going to go on tour now. Oh, God. Well, you had to use an RV because an RV is a recreational vehicle. Recreational

wreck, wreck, wreckage. Okay? Guys, it all works. You can do this. It doesn't take any effort to do this. It literally takes no effort. I just want to roll back to Kyle Rittenhouse being wrongfully accused. I just love the idea of him sitting there saying, I didn't do it, guys. I didn't do it, guys. I didn't do it.

That wasn't me. You can't prove anything, copper. No, I know I surrendered to the police with my hands up. They didn't actually arrest me because I was white. But I gave it a whirl.

Yeah, no. I walked right past them and they ran over and hit somebody with their billy club. That's nice work, boys. Oh, good. Fuck them boys.

Oh, Jesus, man. So this guy goes on in his tweets because it's amazing. There's still more. There's still more. Was an AT&T data center in Nashville destroyed by the bomb yesterday? Were AT&T cell or Wi-Fi signals which access the internet used in connection with Dominion voting machines?

Just asking for a friend. P.S. It is unlawful for voting machines to be connected to the internet. And I was just like, okay. P.P.S. I'm the friend.

Yeah. Are you suggesting that somebody set off a bomb to turn off the internet? Do you think the internet was in that building? The whole internet? What, have you watched the IT crowd too much? The internet's just in a box?

You know what's in that building, though, is a bunch of servers, and those servers get warm, and the lizard people lay on them like hot rocks. Well, that's why the servers are in Nashville. They're warm and they're hot. Nashville hot chicken. It's a whole thing.

They're just sunning themselves. They're just laying on top of the servers all spread eagle. All these lizard people. Oh. Hey, buddy, can you turn me over?

So then it goes then it goes deeper. So they start like fucking conspiratorially twittering about this. So some idiot says, this might be a strange coincidence, but the AT&T building in Nashville that was blown up today was owned by Cerebrus Capital,

owners of Dominion Voting Systems, the company many people are accused of voter fraud, are former executives from Cerebrus. And I and i was like well it's even deeper than that because cerebus is the dog the three-headed dog that guards the gates to hell and i'll be god damned if it isn't like satanic conspiracy that biden won exactly right it's really it's Cerebus because that's Satan's pet who's coming up with Biden to bring dominion, you see the dominion, on over the earth.

It's all, I mean, it's all there. I got you. It's all there. Tom, question about Cerebus though. Just, I mean, and I mean this honestly, Tom. Yeah.

When you go to the pet store and you get your dog a Kong, do you have to get three Kongs? Oh, I think you'd have to. There's so much peanut butter. You have to get three different Kongs, right? There's so much peanut butter. Who could afford a three-headed dog? You have to go to Costco and get those

giant, like, tubs of Skippy that they have. And then you have to go and get, you have to get a year's supply of Kongs from the store. You know what would be terrible about being Sarah? You got three heads, three mouths, three appetites,

one asshole. That dog is just constantly zooming forward. Man. Zoom. Man. Oh, it's so funny. This clip comes from episode 570, Pirate Home Security, published on March 29th. This is fucking crazy.

This is from vice.com. Anti-vaxxers are already big mad about Krispy Kreme's free donut offer. I have got to read some of these fucking responses. The responses are the best. Krispy Kreme's going to be giving away vaccines to people who are vaccines.

Donuts to people who are vaccinated. It'd be great if it was the other way around. It's the other way around. Vaccines for donuts. I'll go buy donuts somewhere else and trade them to Krispy Kreme. Are you kidding me? It'd be the best. If you had to bring donuts to Krispy Kreme,

you show up, you're like, all right, your donuts are shitty. Here's some good donuts. You're not a donuts guy. Really? Are you?

No, I'm not. No, I don't really like donuts very much. Do you like Krispy Kreme donuts? No, I'm not a big Krispy Kreme fan. No, I don't really like donuts very much. Do you like Krispy Kreme donuts? No, I'm not a big Krispy Kreme fan. No. I don't like them.

They're like, if they're hot, one of them is okay. But they always leave me feeling queasy. They're very, very greasy. They're greasy. They're super greasy. They're not pleasant. They're not a pleasant donut. I don't like Dunkin' either.

I don't, don't get me wrong. I don't like Dunkin' either. So I'm not going to say that, you know, like, like I think most of the large chains are pretty terrible, but I do like Stan's here in Chicago. I think Stan's has excellent donuts. So I do have a question. If you had

to get a donut from Dunkin', do you have one that you tolerate? Because I do. Yeah, I almost always get the Boston Cream, the one that's filled with custard. I like that one. Yeah, the Glory Hole donut, that's my favorite. That's all right. It is. It's the glory hole donut. It is glory.

It is. Somebody came in it. You know what I mean? Yeah, it is. So it's fine. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Like it starts off finished.

So how do you finish it? Like chocolate long john too. I would get one of those. My son loves chocolate long johns. Chocolate long johns. Because I always feel like you get more donut. That's what he likes them for.

I'm a fat kid at heart. So I see it and I think I'm getting a little more donut. I'm getting a little more donut. I'll have the, what do you want? What's the biggest thing I can eat? I want the fritter

because it's the size of a, I want a bear claw or a fritter because it's the size of a dinner plate. I know you have a conveyor belt. I'm just going to lay underneath it and just let the donuts fall on my face and you can just charge me for whatever. When I get up,

just charge me. How's that? What do you get? The peanut donut. Oh, okay. That's a solid donut. It's that? What do you get? The peanut donut. Oh, okay. That's a solid donut. It's okay.

Like it's mostly the peanut flavor is so overwhelming that I'm like, okay. Yeah. I'm eating that. I can forget about the donut portion of the program. All right. So I do not like their cake donuts. I'm like a,

not a huge fan of their cake donuts at all. And cake donuts can be amazing, but it just depends on the donut. It depends on the place. And those ones are not good. Yeah. No, I don't. Yeah. I don't like those at all. I but it just depends on the donut. It depends on the place. And those ones are not good. Yeah. Not good. Yeah.

I don't like those at all. I don't like their fucking jelly donut. Yeah. No, that's a bad donut. It's a bad, it's a bad donut. It's a bad jelly.

It's a, it's also a bad place. It's just a genuinely, I don't like their coffee. I don't like anything about that place. Honestly, anything about that. I know people fucking love Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

That, that coffee tastes like a stomachache. They're so wrong. It genuinely tastes like... It tastes like you just threw bile up. That's what it tastes like. It's so bad.

It's the worst. It is so bad. It's the worst coffee you can buy from... Yeah. Like, legally. All right, so you get a Krispy Kreme donut,

but you don't just get one Krispy Kreme donut. You get one every day for the rest of the year from the time that you're vaccinated. You could collect- That's awesome. As many as 283 free daily donuts

between now and 2021. 283 stomach aches. Anyway. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Tum-tum aches. They're not going to give you one of those hot ones. You know they're not going to.

They're going to give you a cold one. You're going to the vaccine. You're vaccinated. You're not going to get sick. They're going to give you one that pulled off the floor. Give the vaccine. You're vaccinated. You're not going to get sick. They're going to give you one they pulled off the floor. Give them another one of the goddamn free ones from yesterday. Are you kidding me? You have to stand across the way.

They say pull, and then they shoot it in your mouth. That's how it works. Your teeth go flying out. All right. So people are losing their fucking mind. So the anti-vaxxers, I guess, also really don't want to pay for their Krispy Kremes. Like, they're freaking the fuck out. I got to read some of these tweets.

Wow, Krispy Kreme. I didn't know you were discriminating against people who feel it's their body, their choice to not get a rushed experimental shot from the government. That's like saying if you're straight, you get a free donut. What? How did you get there? How did you get there? All right.

I feel like we need to analyze that. They're giving something away for free. I love this sense of entitlement people have to something that is free. Right? Well, I want it for free. Well, you didn't do the thing to get the free donut.

Well, I should just get it anyway. I want a free donut. Fatty, fat, fat. Hey, I took my vitamin C and zinc as preventative. Do I get a free donut for doing my part as well? No.

No. Did you take your fucking snake oil, you hippie? There's nothing that vitamin C and zinc are going to do to prevent you from getting the fucking Rona. Unless it has mRNA from Moderna in your fucking orange juice.

Here's another one. Would you like the unvaccinated to wear a yellow star on their chest? What? Wait, they went to the Jews? Because not wear a yellow star on their chest what wait they got they went to the jews because not getting a free donut cecil is the same thing as being herded onto a cattle car i can't, what? That's unbelievable. I didn't get my free donut. There's no way that that person,

there's no way. Tom, there's no way that person didn't do that ironically. That's an ironic post. I can't believe that somebody would sit down at their computer and rub their hands and say, I got him now. I got him now. This is an unassailable argument that I'm creating here. The world's

greatest internet argument. They're like blowing on their fingers, getting them wanting to type this thing up. This clip comes from episode 575, Cara Santa Maria interview, published on May 3rd. So this story comes from Slate. This is just bonkers. Miami private school informs parents vaccinated teachers may be transmitting something from their bodies. Well, the idea that science works, is that what they're transmitting? I'll tell you what, if you don't have the

vaccine, you actually may be transmitting something called COVID. You might be transmitting a virus, literally a vector for disease. Yeah, I guess maybe if they get the Sputnik V, they could transmit something. That beep sound you were just doing. A private Miami area school has taken a counterfactual approach to protecting student health during a pandemic, informing parents in a letter Monday that it will not employ any staff that has received a coronavirus vaccination and those that have gotten vaccinated will be asked to isolate

from students who range from pre-K to eighth grade. The thinking school founder Lila Centner explained with a very heavy heart in the bulletin is that reports have recently surfaced of non-vaccinated people being negatively impacted by interacting with people who have been vaccinated. What do they have, the big sads? What's going on? I'm sorry. I think you have that backwards.

Yeah. I think the fucking non-vaccinated people are the threat. Centner and her husband, David Centner, opened a school in 2019 which now has nearly 300 students

paying up to $30,000 a year in tuition and promotes itself as a happiness school. 30 grand, dude. 30 grand a year. 30 grand to have a vaccine denier. You're going to pay somebody 30 grand to educate your kids

and this is their take? What, to send them to a happiness school? I thought money couldn't buy happiness. Which is total bullshit. It absolutely can buy happiness. Emotional intelligence. I'll tell you what, Cecil. In my life, I've had no money.

Yeah. I could not find happiness. And a little bit of money has really helped the happiness quotient. I will say this. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure as fuck can insure it. That's for damn sure.

Yeah, right. A lack of money sure can buy unhappiness. Yeah, that's for sure. It values emotional intelligence and mindfulness. Science, not so much. Vaccinated adults, quote, this is fucking amazing, may be transmitting something from their bodies

that could be impacting the reproductive systems, fertility, and normal growth and development in women and children. Even among our own population, we have at least three women with menstrual cycles impacted after having spent time with a vaccinated...

I love the embedded misogyny in there that men are just fine. I'll tell you what. It's got to be for the weak ones, the women, the children. Us men, you know, we're fine. We're fine.

Look, here's the thing. All those womanly gears inside you, they could get spun up pretty easy. But us men, no. There's never a moment where they say, hey, you know what? If you get the vaccine, guys around you are going to pop boners

and shoot jizz out of their cocks. They never say that. They never say that. It's always, oh, it's all your womanly parts are going to pop boners and shoot jizz out of their cocks. They never say that. They never say that. It's always, oh, it's all your womanly parts are going to start spinning. And then what do we do? You know, I don't really know what those parts are or what they're called or how to make them feel good about a woman. All them delicate mystery bits that y'all have down inside there.

I mean, they're an enigma wrapped in a mystery. They pull out their tome and just blow the dust off of it. It's hilarious. When they talk about it the way they're talking about it, it sounds like it's that clip

from the Dark Crystal where it's the great conjunction. There's three women. They're all having their conjunction menstruation at the same time. It's a great conjunction. You spend time with a vaccinated person, you're just like, oh man, like now I don't menstruate the same way.

No, it's like the vaccine's like a fucking metronome. It gets you regular. It's like Metamucil. You know what I mean? Like boom, boom, boom. You know when it's going to happen to you. Yeah, but you're right though. It's like Metamucil. You know what I mean? Like boom, boom, boom. You know when you're, you know when it's going to happen to you. Yeah, but you're right though.

It's always the, it's always the woman gears. It's always the little bits inside of women that are so easily shifted by any little thing in the world. And you're right. That's just like a deep misogyny that just is always there.

Right, because nobody's going to write down like, you know, hung around some vaccinated people and now I'm impotent. Yeah. Because then dudes would have to say they were impotent. Exactly. Right? And they're never going to write down like, you know, hung around some vaccinated people and now I'm impotent. Yeah. Because then dudes would have to say they were impotent.

Exactly. Right? And they're never going to say that. Instead, it's like, my woman's got her timelies, you know? Her timelies. And I don't really know how that works because she does that out in the barn,

you know, like a proper girl is supposed to. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Get a book. Literally any book. You can pick one. Just any book. Coloring book. Here's my advice to this school. Stop trying to learn emotionally because it's not working.

It's just not working. You've got to crack a book once in a while. I don't care how many times you hug, you're not going to learn about anything else. You can hug a lot of things out, man, but you can't hug out knowledge. No matter what, you can squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. You're never getting it out of there.

The fucking happiness school. Jesus, man. 30 grand for happiness. 30 grand, dude. Jesus. That is so much money. That's a Patreon I want. That's college.

The happiness Patreon. Where you send me 30 grand and I give you a hug. This clip comes from episode 581, Gambling Habit, published on June 14th. All right, so the story comes from the Washington Post

and I have to read a part of this article. Despite her vow of poverty, Nunn stole more than $835,000 from a Catholic school, prosecutors said. With each new school year, fresh checks for tuition and fees streamed into the principal's office at St. James Catholic School in Torrance, California. But for 10 years, those checks along, I don't understand how they didn't catch this, like the first hour this happened. But for 10 years, those checks along, I don't understand how they didn't catch this like the first hour this happened. But for 10 years, those checks, along with donations, scarcely made it to the school's bank account. Instead, the school's principal, Sister Mary Margaret Cooper, 79. It's always a Mary Margaret.

It's always a Mary Margaret. Every time. It's always a Mary Margaret. Was stealing the money and using it to bankroll her gambling habits. She's got a habit. I love, thank you. She's got a double.

That's the only reason I wanted this article. She walks up and she takes it off and she's like, bet it all on black. You can tell it's Mary Margaret coming from a mile away

because her actual habit is like three cherries. You walk up and shake her head and turn into three sevens. Oh my God. That's amazing. It's so funny. She had a giant

habit. She had a giant habit of spending other That's amazing. It's so funny. She had a giant habit. She had a giant habit of spending other people's money. But one of the things that they said in the article, which I thought was hilarious, where they said something like, this was inconsistent with her vow of poverty. And then I thought about it. I thought, no, if you have a gambling addiction,

it's definitely consistent with a vow of poverty. Definitely consistent. Because I got a story actually. Okay. So years ago, uh, this was happened to my dad, right?

So my dad used to tell the story. Um, my dad was, uh, addicted to a lot of different things. It's cigarettes. He was an alcoholic, you know,

uh, and he was also a gambler when he, when, before we were born, before all the kids were born, he was a gambler and his gambling., before all the kids were born. He was a gambler. And his gambling, and this is something

I had no idea, I guess back in the day, pinball machines were gambling machines. Really? Yeah. So, evidently, and I don't know

if this was all pinball machines or just a select few pinball machines, but you would go into a place, there's a bar by him, and you would put

a dime in. He said it cost a bar by him and you would put a dime in he said it costs a dime so you would put a dime in and then you would play the pinball game and if you scored a certain amount or did something in it

you would get change would come out so you could win money that way and he used to go in and he said he would spend like his whole check oh fuck he would just spend

playing pinball he would walk in and he would just get dimes after dimes after dimes and he would put like his whole check. Oh, fuck. He would just spend. Playing pinball. He would walk in and he would just get dimes after dimes after dimes and he would put them in and play it. And he said he spent his whole check a couple of times. And he said that the guy who came in and cleaned the things out came up to him a couple of times.

They became friends or whatever. And he would, you know, he'd be playing and the guy would come in and take the money. And the guy, the story is that the guy reached in and said, here you go. My dad's name was Lou. So he said, here you go,

Lou. And he said like two big handfuls of dimes on the thing. And he said, you go ahead and spend those. He's like, cause I'm going to get them back. He's like, they're all going to come back to me.

He said, you can't win this. You can't beat this. He said, Lou, look at this thing. And he opened it up and it's just all like electronics. It's all electronics.

And he's like, you can't beat this electronic thing. You cannot, you can't do anything to win. There's nothing you can do to win. And I always remember that story. He used to tell that story a lot. So he told that story many times

throughout my life. You know how dads are. They tell the same story 600 times. I did three things and I'm going to tell you about it 100 times. I did three things. All my dad's stories were, I don't know if they were life lessons, but they were definitely, you know,

but- They had a moral attachment? I guess the moral is, you can't, my dad always tried to instill on me, you can't beat the house. Right.

That was the moral that my dad always kept on saying over and over and over again. Could you imagine losing $865,000? No! Gambling? Cecil, I am the world's worst gambler.

First of all, I don't know how to gamble. And like, generally speaking, like I'm not like much of a games person in general, right? So like games don't hold a tremendous appeal for the most part to me. So like, I'm kind of like immune to that because I'm just like not interested in the game portion of it.

Yeah. But also I'm just a cheap motherfucker and it doesn't, remember when we went to, the first time we went to Vegas, went to Vegas for Tam. Yeah. We first were like, not first, we were doing the show for a few years. Patron just came out. Like we made just a tiny amount

of money and it was the first thing you and I had ever done together for the show. Yeah, we were able to go to Tam. Yeah. But I had like no money outside of the money for like the show they're like we had these things planned to do but i didn't have a lot of spending money yeah so like i went down to the floor and i walked up to um the craps table and i had like 20 or something and i changed my 20 for chips and i walked up to the woman i'm like hey can you show me how to play and she showed me how to play and I put my chips and then she did the dice or whatever it was.

And then she took her thing and she took most of my money, my chips. And then I'm like, oh, okay. I guess I'll do it again. And I did it again. And it was all gone. And it was two runs. The whole thing took 40 seconds. And I was like, she's like, do you want to keep playing? And I was like,

fucking no, I don't want to keep playing. Nothing happened and it cost me $20. I could have gone to see a two-hour movie. Nothing happened. I gave you $20 and you gave me, I took $20. I was floored by the whole thing. I was like, I got to get out of here. This isn't for me.

Yeah, yeah. But like gambling is like gambling and these big casinos and stuff. They're just inherently unethical places. And there is a certain kind of person who I think genuinely through no fault of their own, they're just wired to enjoy that. Like they're wired to get that dopamine rush,

that interaction. Sure. And like for some reason, we've decided that in certain contexts, we will steal money from those people. Yeah. Like we, we won't do it in most places though, because we recognize like we don't want it in every grocery store. So like we're kind of, it's kind of a weird thing.

Don't put it everywhere. But as time goes on, it's seeping more and more into our culture because there's other places where you can play now video slots or video poker in certain bars and you can bet on that sort of thing too. And then now on your phone you can do sports book. There's a sports book for your phone. Oh, you can bet. Sports books for your app. And then there's betting on... You can bet real money for that.

Yeah, real money. I thought that shit was illegal. I think I'm pretty sure that... I believe you. I'm just surprised. I'm pretty sure that you can do it. And I know that they advertise it all the time on sporting games. Do you think that puts the mafia out of business? I don't know. Because didn't the mafia have to run books?

Now I'm really curious. I have no idea. I wonder if they're super mad about that. Like, hey, that was our thing! I mean, you gotta wonder, though, too. What are you gonna do? Hey, we gotta whack that app guy! What are you gonna do? It's already out there., hey, that was our thing. I mean, you got to wonder though, too, like, what are you going to do? Hey, we got to whack that app guy. I know. What are you going to do? I know.

It's already out there. Like, what do you do then? There's some guy like in the back of a fucking deli just like, what am I supposed to do now? They stick an iPhone in a fish and they wrap it up and they cut the head off the iPhone

and you wake up next to the iPhone. I mean, what happens? How do you intimidate that guy? You know, I don't know. I really intimidate that guy? I don't know. I really genuinely don't know. I know for a long time that it was like an underground... If it wasn't the mafia, it was

certainly like... It was definitely shady. It was one of those things where if you didn't... That's why I'm being intentionally ridiculous. If you didn't pay, there was some problems. You're going to have some problems. It's a nice business you got here. Forget about it.

We're going to get emails from people. I know. People are going to get mad. I'm Italian. I can do that. I'm allowed to hold my hands. When you talk like that, you have to hold your hands in a certain way.

You have to hold them up near your face and you have to clinch them together like little lobster claws. And you have to move your hands in and out like this. Like you have to keep on doing the back and forth. That's,

you can't, it's racist if you don't do that. It's racist if you don't do that. And I can do it because some of my best friends are Italian. Oh God. And that was when Tom

got canceled from the interview. Oh, we're going to get it now. Oh God. And that was when Tom got canceled from the interview. Oh, we're going to get it now. Oh, God. This clip comes from episode 585, Illegalize Jesus Christ, published on July 12th. This story comes from Right Wing Watch. Lauren Witsky, right-wing activist, says the Equality Act will illegalize Jesus Christ. Illegalize. She looks like the lady who was

the anti-vax lady. Jenny McCarthy a little bit, doesn't she? She does kind of have a Jenny McCarthy look. She's got a Jenny McCarthy look. I guess it's the Karen look. Like, it's 100% the Karen look. But does she look weirdly sepia, too? Like, she's like recording from a ghost town or something?

This definitely looks like it's from the past, but that's where all her beliefs are. So that makes sense. You guys, this video is like, if you go to our website and check out this video, at least the still from it. The still. All the stuff in the background is regular color. Yeah, she's definitely a rose

color. But she is sepia. She's like rose gold. Right. So this is her on Alex Jones, which is interesting because we have not seen Alex Jones in a while. Long time.

She, I believe this is the same woman. Let me double check. This is the same woman who, who Milo Yiannopoulos said to her, she had work to do.

Oh yeah, yeah. She had work to do because she was, because dogs still barked at her and she was still satanically gay. She had work to do. Oh, yeah, yeah. She had work to do because she was, because dogs still barked at her and she was still satanically gay. She was still thinking about touching boobs. Yeah, she was still

100% satanically gay. So, what we have now is her talking to Alex Jones. So, clearly that true news boost really boosted her in the ratings in a way. Oh, man. Is it an up or down to go

from true news to Alex Jones? True news has a way worse set. Alex Jones has a baller set. That's true. Alex Jones has a baller set. That's true. Wait till you see this set on this clip. It's outstanding.

Wait a minute. Cecil, Patreon goal. We need an Alex Jones level set. I want like a big desk. We can... The biggest Patreon goal though is if we can get Alex Jones stuffed into the place. If we can get him... I want him stuffed like a big desk we can all the biggest patreon goal though is if we can get alex jones

stuffed into the place if we can get him i want him stuffed like a fucking old bear yeah bear was handsome oh that would be amazing it is i it is a dream now that i have my globe bar yeah my next ridiculous overly hyper masculinized thing that i want to have is a giant stuffed polar bear nice like mr burns hat in the back of his stuffed polar bear. Nice. Like Mr. Burns hat in the back of his big polar bear. And then you need, you need a leather bound chairs. I think you need that 100% leather. I want a den that looks like a fucking joke. Like that's what I want. I want a den, human leather. I want a den that looks like an English Lord got stabbed in it. And you're trying to find out who got it.

Oh, that's outstanding. You got to have candlesticks everywhere. Oh, absolutely. I want a little bit of blood on it. I want an old timey rifle. I want cantalabras. There's a pipe wrench there for no reason. You're like, why do you have a pipe wrench in a mansion?

I'm living in a set of clues. Fuck off. All right. So this lady's going to talk to Alex Jones. Here we go. There is a war on Christians. They did this. They targeted me and they made an example out of me.

Okay, so what does it say on the table here? It says... I love this because these are... This is classic Alex Jones. Yeah. It is internet printouts. Internet printouts. Internet printouts.

Internet printouts from Breitbart. This is from Breitbart. Breitbart. Yep. Financial blacklisting. Wells Fargo shuts down GOP Senate candidate Lauren Witsky's bank account.

And you know it's true because you can see the staple at a 45 degree angle in the upper left hand corner. And that's journalism. That is journalism. And then above it, I can only see part of it. Witsky, I will be pursuing legal action against Wells Fargo.

We're fighting back. And then something Wells Fargo shuts down Trump supporting candidates. Something leaving her homeless with no money. Holy shit. That's not how banking works. Banks don't just shut you down and take your money.

They may say, hey, we are choosing to close out your account, but they don't close your account and then steal the money that you have. Because I'm an outspoken Christian who vocally opposes the Equality Act. Listen, Alex, I don't know if you know. That's why no preachers have bank accounts. I'm sure fucking Joel Osteen doesn't have a bank account. I'm sure Creflo Dollar, when he bought his fucking gold-plated heli-jet

or whatever, he had to go, like, look under his mattress. So much about it, but they're about to, they're trying to illegalize Jesus Christ. Illegalize Jesus Christ.

Well, the thing is, like, I guess if Jesus Christ were, during the Trump administration, trying to file for asylum, then they would be illegalizing him. Especially if he was helping people. They would definitely would be illegalizing him. Especially if he was helping people.

Right. They would definitely try to legalize him. If he told people to calm down at the Capitol on the 6th, they'd have fucking

crucified him right there. You know, the thing is like, Jesus Christ came from one of those shithole countries, didn't he? He did. Absolutely.

It's like everything but like Norway and England. I know. There's only like two non-shithole countries. And the scripture and categorized. Absolutely. Just like in Europe and Canada

where they're arresting pastors. Tell folks about it. I love it. Hey, tell people about what you were saying. The thing you were saying, keep saying it. He just interrupts her. Just send it over. What a terrible interviewer. Yeah, so I'm here making my, Jake, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah. What a terrible interviewer.

Yeah, so I'm here making my... Chase, make your point. Are you going to say your thing? I was saying... Say your thing. What? She's just frozen because she knows she made a bad decision

being on here. Her eyes are like saucers. Her face is 100% I made a huge mistake. All I can see, Cecil, all I can see is how much I want that desk. Oh my God. And his fucking

big giant screen behind him. I know it's just a green screen that they pretend that they cut the things in. I know it's just a green screen, but it looks awesome. It looks awesome. It looks awesome.

I want that. It looks awesome. They did a great job. Also, his InfoWars thing is hilarious. It's like the dance we got. Look at his InfoWars thing is hilarious. It's like the dance macabre. Look at his info. You guys have to see this InfoWars desk.

He's got the dance. It's a video game. It's like the dance macabre with Lion-O in the middle of it, cutting people down. Look at all his internet printouts. I know. He's surrounded. He's surrounded like a semicircle with internet printouts.

There's literally a dozen and a half of them. Just, here's some stuff I printed out. Like an old man, I printed the internet and then I read it. It's like coming home and your mom has printed Facebook, her Facebook post-op news and pinned it on your door. Everything's a newspaper. If you print the news, you read online. It's awesome.

Yeah, absolutely. So what it will do is it will classify scripture, belief in traditional marriage as hate speech. If an abortionist chooses not to, wants to make the decision to... Abortionist? An abortionist?

Well, and I think what she says is if an abortionist chooses not to perform an abortion, then you're a lousy abortionist. Is that what they said? Hold on a second. I got it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Belief in traditional marriage

as hate speech. If an abortionist chooses not to, wants to make the decision to not perform an abortion. If I go to the abortionist and then I don't get an abortion. If I go to the abortionist. Fucking zero stars, abortionist.

Zero stars. I love that word. I came here for a fucking abortion, God damn it. Yeah, abortionist. Zero stars. I love that word. I came here for a fucking abortion, goddammit. Yeah, no kidding, right? Where's my abortionist? They call him doctors. But I like that they changed the terminology, right? So instead of saying doctor,

because that's a respected position in society, right? So instead we'll change it. That'd be like calling like, oh, the tonsillectomist. What? No. Oh, the tonsillectomist. What? No. Oh, the pill prescriber. What? Oh, the palpator.

That abortionist or that doctor or that nurse that chooses to take the- Wait, is one of those a title? Oh, you could be an abortionist. Can I get a degree in abortionist? Yeah, I think in this world, title because oh you could be an abortion can i get a degree in abortionist yeah i think i think by by which i think in this world it's an abortionist or a doctor or a nurse so i didn't know nurses could perform abortions maybe they can't i didn't know that i thought that was a

doctor and thing i thought it was a doctor you know yeah i was pretty i'm pretty confident in that i guess i could be wrong It could be maybe nurse practitioners, but like, then there's like the third category. I just went to school for the abortions. You know what? I skip sees the rest of it. I just do the abortions.

That's it. They go to medical school and they've got a potato gun. They shooting those babies right out of there. They graduate. They like have to like turn the coat hanger on their thing over the other side

of their hat, you know. On the side of the hat. There you go. I graduated from abortion at school. They come up and you take your diploma

and you just suck it up with a vacuum cleaner and it just goes right in there. It's like one of those teller things. You know, actually Dyson has a great school of abortion.

Yeah. I mean, it's not as good as the Flobby school because that one cleans and it's a whole process. Yeah, yeah. Way back. ...proach and change their lives.

Children who struggle with gender identity. Children who struggle with abortionism. This clip comes from the Stop Sending Ian Porn live stream published on August 5th.

It is not. It is so fucking good. So evidently... So first off, it's our favorite guy ever. It's Captain Blobfish is back. And he's got a guy that he's talking to here. Every single time. And the fellow he's talking to is talking about a motorcycle

and a motorcycle ride. And so that's all I'm going to tell you. We got to play it all the way through because there's so much to say. So we're going to play it. Can you invigorate it? I am going to make it big, but I can't do it until I hit play.

There we go. So here's Steve Schultz from ElijahList.com. Remember, we looked at Elijah List before. And now, here's a guy by the name of Emanuel Johnson. So, here we go. I have an

automatic Johnson. I don't have Emanuel Johnson. Why is he wearing a baseball cap and a jacket? He looks like a conductor, kind of. He does! He looks like a conductor. kind of. He does! He looks like a conductor. That's a terrible look. And now it just casts a shadow

over your stupid, stupid eyes. Alright, here we go. This is so good. Going down from the mountain, just in awe. Just in awe that what just happened to me. And the voice comes. He says, my son. Oh my god god the fucking man crying go get our bike

okay okay now you can't do this you can't do this anymore than i'd be able to hold on though yeah look at this guy this guy this guy on the left is a hundred percent now trying to get engaged with the dumbest story he's ever heard. He's nodding and then listen to him. It's like when you have a guest on your show and you're just like, I made a fucking huge mistake. I mean, I can't. When is this over?

I made a huge mistake. Watch him nod and watch him say it. See, so this is a guy who's reconsidering his life choices and also woke up and put that tie on on purpose. He looks like, that tie looks like a string to a balloon and his face is a balloon that tie looks like a string to a balloon and his face is it

looks like a straw it's it looks like a straw it very much does all right so just watch him nod and then watch him interrupt this amazing story of this guy crying and you can also watch him whip and nene watch me whip whip go get our bike our bike go get our bike not your bike because this is not so it wasn't just about me he says go get our bike wow and steve i just broke down no broke down right there you don't feel like the kind of guy who breaks down man which is crazy broke down to the drop of a crazy hat huh doesn't feel like the kind of guy who breaks down a man which is crazy broke down to the drop of a crazy hat huh doesn't feel like the kind of guy who just breaks down now and then i mean it feels like it feels like a stone wall tom right yeah oh like a like a stoic stoic guy who is never in front of anyone shed a tear this is this is a man who's got a tight grip on his

own he's got a massive masterful emotional own. He's got a massive, masterful emotional control. Really. Stone Banana does say that he looks like he's going for the Tiger Woods. And I agree. He does look like he's going for the Tiger Woods. He does look like he's going for the Tiger Woods. All these crocodile tears, by the way, are great because he never has a single tear. Right.

Like whenever he looks up, he's fucking dry-eyed as the fucking Sahara. Absolutely. It's all fake. It's hilarious. All right. Let me play some more of this. The mountain. I just broke down.

Go get our bike. Go get our bike. What? Go get our bike? Yes. So? What'd you do? And when the Lord directed me to the bike.

What kind of bike? Okay, so he had to go get a bike right and so let's find out about this bike let's figure out what this bike is it's a bmw he was there from the whole process of purchasing it did he co-sign I was there. God's my cosigner. And Jesus and I were there with the finance guy. Jesus has exceptional credit. You know, I just want to say. Jesus argued so that they didn't put the undercoating on the bike. And we got free saddlebags

from the Lord. I was able to use their cappuccino machine while I waited. Oh, it was super great. He was there for his bike and a motorcycle. He gets water from there and Jesus just touches it I was able to use their cappuccino machine while I waited. Oh, super great. He gets water from there and Jesus just touches it and turns it into water. Hold on. I'll get the guy fucked up.

How amazing is this? How amazing is this guy? Jesus is like, I know there's a plague, but I got to help a guy buy a motorcycle. Jesus is arguing back and forth with the guy. No, he's not going to do 4.9 api there's no way he's doing it

it's no way oh so this and it's it gets so much better than it's a bmw dealership i like that he throws that out there like look when you're buying a bike with god

yeah it's got to buy no cheap ass bike absolutely you got to get some junk ass yamaha beater no no this is in any case jesus co-signed for him and so that's where we're at now and when he when he rode on that bike wait he rode that was i thought the mountain experience was great. And then when he rode on the bike, on the back of that bike. Jesus rides, bitch! How does Jesus hold on with his grabbers? Like his hands, wouldn't they whistle

while he's going down the road? You just hear a whistle going. Jesus' hands. His whole body is whistler tips. You know how fast you're going for the how high pitched Jesus' hand whistle is? It's like a Jesus Doppler over here.

Jesus is on the back of my bike. Jesus just does a reach around and grabs the wheel. Jesus is like, his hands are around this they just go up now i go down turn them down there you go there you go with me oh my gosh that was his eyes are puffy like he's been crying maybe he is actually that's actually worse like he's been crying about he's moved by his own bullshit that's the thing he's like man he knows this didn't happen but he is somehow emotionally moved to tears by his own bullshit

how does this oh okay my story gets even better though greater opportunity and i've said this before it was a Bullshit is happening. How does this? Oh, okay. Well, the story gets even better, though. Greater opportunity, and I've said this before, was a greater opportunity than my visitations to heaven. Wait, hold on. Yeah, man.

Your visitation to heaven was, that was less than the one time you road tripped to Sturgis. This clip comes from episode 597, Cyber Ninjas, published on October 4th. I'm going to read this whole story. I think you should. I'm going to read this whole Cecil.

I'm going to read this whole story. How much do you love America? Cecil on a scale from one to shaman. How much do you love America? Fuck, man. I love this. All right, this story comes from Yahoo News. Self-proclaimed shaman accused of starting California fires said she was trying to boil bear urine.

I wonder if you boil bear urine if it gets smoky. You really took the piss with that one. Only you can prevent smoky the Bear boiling piss fires. Anyway, here we go. I have so many questions. There's so many questions. A California woman professing to be a shaman.

Look at her. Look at her stare at you. She's staring right into your soul. With her shaman eyes. With her shaman eyes. I don't know. Don't squeeze the shaman. I'm not sure.

I'm going to say it both ways. Say it both ways. That way people will send us messages. That way it's the right way. That'll be perfect. A California woman professing to be a shaman shaman who was arrested and charged with igniting the wildfire that has thousands of homes under threat

claimed the fire was started inadvertently while she was attempting to boil bear urine. Okay. No, I mean, like, maybe sometimes you go into the forest and you have to boil bear urine. I'd like to find out why she had to do that. This is, I don't even know why they asked her any follow-up questions, really.

They should have been like, you're free to go. Right. Oh, you know, you could have said that to start with. Actually, this is on me.

This is my fault. I'm sorry. I apologize for delaying you. Let me buy you dinner. Alexandra Unpronounceable, 30, could be sentenced to up to nine years

if convicted of starting the Fawn Fire, according to officials. The blaze has destroyed roughly 41 homes and 90 small structures while endangering another 2,340. Pissed you'd be. Pissed. Pissed you'd be.

Pissed you'd be if you found out that a fucking your home was burned down because someone thought it was a good idea to boil berries. I'll be so mad. You know what they said to her when they caught her. I'll be so mad. Like you could at least. Okay, go ahead. No, go. You know what they said to her when they caught her? I'll be so mad. Like you could at least... Okay, go ahead. No, go.

You know what they said to her when they caught her? You're in trouble. You're in trouble. It's so bad and good at the same time. No, but seriously, you can understand

a fucking plane or something in your house. I had a tornado in my house. But when a fire that started because someone wanted to foil fucking Perrier. Because a fake magician in the woods. What did you do? What? Why?

What now? Why? Fucker. I'm trying to think of anything else that would start. If my house started on fire for any other reason, it at least wouldn't be as absurd. When I was a kid, I used to do the stupidest shit and i remember i remember like just doing the dumbest shit and i could see how something like that would genuinely piss somebody off if i hurt someone else because i was doing really dumb shit this is a 30 year old 30 year old woman

like a phd student yeah uh unpronounceable pleaded not guilty, but is now reportedly thought to have ignited several fires across California. A lot of barrier out there. She's got work to do.

Covered in barrier. Does a bear piss in the woods? It certainly does. And then you got to boil it. You have to distill it down. The self-proclaimed shaman shaman

said she had been hiking to Canada as the blaze approached Shasta County on Wednesday. All right. Real quick. All right. had been hiking to Canada as the blaze approached Shasta County on Wednesday. Real quick, she's hiking to Canada. California's far away from Canada.

At the very best, it's two states away. At the very best. I don't know where this fires at, but if it's at the fucking tippy top tipper of California, you still have all of Oregon and Washington. You're just like, fuck it. And I want you to remember that because

another part of this story will speak to the insanity of her hike to Canada. When she became thirsty and approached a puddle of what she claimed to be bear urine, she told forest officials she attempted to make a fire to purify it.

Hold on. Who leaves the house just thinking, well, I don't want to pack any water. Maybe I'll just find some urine. Maybe I'll just find some urine out there. Who knows what's out there? You know what I'll do is I'll just pack a bunch of dog pee pads and I'll squeeze them out. They'll be freshly squeezed. Freshly squeezed. There you go.

This clip comes from episode 603, Desperately Seeking John John, published on November 22nd. I don't know how these people, this is like, this is a hundred percent copium, right? They're just trying to figure out a way that these bad people who they hate and who they've accused of hideous things

are somehow being punished, but nobody knows about it. Yeah. Secret, secret probation, secret double probation. It's the only way that they can get by. And it's the only way that these people's minds can continue. Cause if not, they've got to keep being confronted with the fact that none of the things they say come true. Right. Yeah. Which at some point, doesn't the clock begin to run out on your crazy. Right. And I'm a little astonished that as we close in on 2022, the crazy has not run out in ways that are, I think, time sensitive. There are time sensitive events, which your narrative means had to have happened and then they don't happen.

But you're all Harold camping yourself. Yeah but you're all Harold Camping yourself. Yeah. They're all Harold Camping themselves. It's insane. And like time after time after time, every one of these people that we cover has to walk back these things that they said are going to happen.

Oh, I've been reading Q and there's going to be all these massive arrests. Look at these people are still downtown. I write a story this week. Those people are still down in Dallas. There's still a hundred people. What? Waiting for Kennedy?

Still waiting for John John. They're still waiting. I don't know if they're intense. I don't know. They're still there, man. Are you serious? I'm serious, dude. Hold on.

Let's find a story and talk about it. Oh, that's so good. Let's do it right now. That's so delicious. Oh, that's so good. That's so delicious. Oh, that is amazing. Still waiting at the grassy knoll. Here we go.

Here we go. Gizmodo. Two weeks later, QAnon supporters are still awaiting JFK Jr.'s return at the grassy knoll. Oh, I got, oh.

Why don't you just read this? Just read it. What might think that after waiting around Dallas, Texas for weeks, expecting weeks. What do you have a job? Just read it. What might think that after waiting around Dallas, Texas for weeks, expecting weeks. What do you have a job?

Thank you. What are you doing, man? How do you have weeks? Did you just like save up your vacation for John John's return? What the fuck, man? Yeah, boss. I'm not going to be able to come back to work. I'm waiting for, you know, it's a whole thing.

I'll just, I'll tell you what I don't want to say. I don't want to work. I'm waiting for, you know, it's a whole thing. I'll just, I'll tell you what I don't want to say. To emerge and give a surprise speech, restoring Donald Trump to the presidency, one would simply conclude that JFK Jr. is dead and he's not going to do that. That is not the case for QAnon supporters. For the uninitiated, QAnon is less a coherent set of beliefs than an amalgamation of bigots, rubes, and hardcore evangelical Christians convinced that Trump is secretly waging a global war against a democratic Hollywood Camarilla

of satanic pedophiles. What the fuck is happening? He's like... When they put it that concise, it's like, Tom, when they say, when that paragraph's so concise, it's like a pistol in my mouth. I know, man.

It is like a pistol in my... I read that and I'm just like, what the fuck, man? That is the most concise, depressing paragraph I've ever heard read in my entire life. About a third of America

believes some element of that. Good Lord. Earlier this month, hundreds of devotees of the arcane conspiracy theory showed up at Dealey Plaza in Dallas, which I think it's Dealey Plaza in Dallas,

which I think it's Daily Plaza in Dallas, which contains the grassy knoll near where President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed in 1963. There they waited for John F. Kennedy Jr., who they believe faked his death with his spouse and sister-in-law in a 1999 plane crash to avoid being assassinated by the evil cabal. The story goes the Kennedys then waited for their moment to return and do something. Depending on which QAnon person you asked, you might hear that JFK Jr. would return to run as Trump's vice presidential candidate in 2024,

or that he would be making an appearance alongside his also dead dad to proclaim Trump the King of Kings. How old would JFK Sr. be right now? Let's just look that up. They're saying he's alive too? I'm sorry. He's born in 1970 to be 104. That's a 104-year-old man.

I don't think so. He's 104? I don't think so. I don't think so. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. I don't think so. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. I don't think so. Jesus, what? Yeah.

JFK Jr., who feels rather pointless to continue pointing out his dead, remains so. That apparently hasn't deterred the QAnon types from returning. According to Daily Beast reporter Will Sommer, who observed a crowd of hundreds of QAnon supporters returning to the plaza on Monday night.

Seriously, man. Dude, they came back. They came back. Yeah, it's still gonna happen. This is another moment where they're just like, something doesn't happen. God,

someone go down there and dress like John John. Please, please, please dress like John John and come out. This is like, 100%.

That needs to happen. God, that needs to happen. We should do it. What does he look like? I don't know. Pull him up. Can I pass for him? What does he look like? I don't know. Pull him up. Can I pass for him? What does he look like?

Let's go to Dallas. No. Really? There's got to be somebody. Let's see. Let's see. John F. Kennedy. I mean, yeah, but maybe because he's been in hiding for a long time.

Maybe he put on weight. All right. I don't know, man. I don't think so. Oh, he's real handsome. He's a real handsome guy. Maybe he got ugly somehow. Maybe he't know, man. I don't think so, Tom. Oh, he's real handsome. He's a real handsome guy. Maybe he got ugly somehow. Maybe he got ugly and short.

I don't think that happened. Okay. You're looking at a picture of his face. You have no idea if he's short, Cecil. Okay, you're right. There could be handsome short people. No, you're right, Tom. You're right.

I'm sure of it. Yeah. Look up how tall he is. This clip comes from the Gentle you can't declare holy war in here this is a church live stream published on december 9th because they point out consistently patrick henry and george mason others that the greatest threat to your loss of guns will come from government not from criminals or others and so they were very adamant you'd be able what the what why would it come from criminals why would it i mean other than like

your criminal taking a onesie twosie gun wait yeah play that play that only gun only the government is going to be able to like criminals don't regulate your guns they can maybe take a gun from you but they can't like regulate yeah so he's saying that the government is the only place that's going to take your gun. There's a biggest threat. I thought he said. Point out consistently, Patrick Henry and George Mason, others, that the greatest threat to your loss of guns will come from government, not from criminals or others. So wait a minute, Cecil. Just to say this around, I need guns to make sure the government doesn't take my guns.

I need guns to make sure the government doesn't take my guns. That's the reason that I need my guns is so that the government doesn't take my guns. What the fuck? What does don't have the guns? Then there's nobody to take your guns and I don't have to engage in any bloody conflict. What you need to do is if you have guns, go start your own little seafaring society on a barge like those libertarians.

You have your own fucking city-state on a barge and then you're fucking, after a week, your barge is full of shit and piss and you don't have a fucking sanitation service. I made my own money. Can I trade it for real money? No, fuck you. That's Bitcoin.

It's garbage. Sorry, no. Adam, you'd be able to have that, which is why we see in Boston, they didn't care if you have a cannon. You can have a cannon, but please don't shoot it in town or within a mile of town. It's just so loud. Wait a minute. It's too loud. That's not the problem with massive weapons.

I will say this. Those kids never played in that playground again never again one time with the cannon they were done they never came back those kids now some of them couldn't come back right because that's they just weren't able to anymore but the ones that could didn't so holy fuck please please do not shoot also boston's really small a cannon in our town okay yeah whatever you do yeah i know cannons are like enormous weapons they made a rule against it it's canon law and i mean once once that rule is established did i get canon. Did I get a chuckle out of Ian? I thought I did.

I thought I heard like a quasi. Was it a quasi chuckle, Ian? Yep. Okay, thank you. It's just for content. Oh. So mean. You're fired.

All right, here we go. It wasn't the fact of having a canon. It was just a little loud just to be shooting off just for fun. So in the same way, you know, I don't want to see my neighbor stop shooting nuclear bombs. Yeah, I don't want to see it, but I don't care if he has one because he should have. Wait a minute. Out of sight, out of mind. He literally just came out and said, I want them to have a nuke.

Like, I don't mind if they do as long as I don't see it. Holy shit! I don't want my wife fucking somebody else, but if she does, I don't want to have to watch. I don't want to see it. I mean, I guess... I don't want to see it. Whatever you do, I don't want to see it.

That's a man that I had to have some more. That doesn't change the equation. You know, I don't want to see my neighbor stockpile nuclear bombs. Yeah, I don't want to see it, but I don't care if he has one because he should. I got to ask him. How expensive does he think a nuke is? Look it up. Look up how much an ICBM costs.

You can't, like, first off, there's no market for it. So you can't even, like, it's what the U.S. pays for. 100% North Korea is selling those. 100% North Korea is selling nuclear bombs. I imagine. We should see if we can get a GoFundMe for one. I'm sure you can Google how much the U.S. military pays in our lives. Ian, Google that for us.

Ian, tell me how much a fucking nuke costs. Fucking what does it cost, Ian? Do it on your computer. Do it on your computer, Ian. Just ask Siri. Let me do an interview. Ask Siri. Ask Siri. I'll do it for all the cost, Ian? Do it on your computer. Do it on your computer, Ian. Just ask Siri. Ask Siri. I'll do it for all the listeners, Ian.

Somebody already did it. Trooper Bari, how much does a nuclear bomb cost? It doesn't auto-fill. Roughly $28 million. $7 million or $7 billion? Which is it, Trooper? As of 2020, it is undergoing 12th modification. According to the Federation of American Scientists, in 2020, roughly 400 B61th modification. According to the Federation of American Scientists in 2020, roughly 400 B61-12s will cost $28 million apiece.

$28 million apiece? One nuke. Yeah, 28 unit cost. Holy fuck, Elon Musk can buy so many nukes. Think about the amount of power a motherfucker like Elon Musk. Imagine if he's like, yeah, for literally no percentage of my fucking net worth, I am Elon Musk with rocket ships and nuclear weapons. There's some YouTubers that could buy one.

That's fucking insane. There's some YouTubers. Fucking Sniper Wolf could buy one. That bitch is already a sniper. They could buy one. Amazing. buy one that bitch is already a sniper you could buy one amazing he should have the same rights but you're saying well i don't think private citizens should have nuclear weapons but if you know if you're smart if you're smart i don't think any one human being should own a weapon that can fucking eliminate a hundred thousand people we have

we have to put what we have to put tags on mattresses so people don't eat them dude right dude I mean like if you buy food that has silica in it that thing says do

not eat all over it because some motherfuckers like like, I hate it. There's some people out there that can't even start their car until they breathe into it too. And we're like, no, but it's fine. You can have a fucking suitcase nuke. It's cool. It's fine. It's because of the government.

You want to be able to fight the government what i want is think about think about too cecil the times that like random wacko citizens fought the government and imagine if that escalated imagine if waco turned into a nuclear yeah absolutely imagine if ruby ridge turned into a nuclear exchange imagine if those fucking idiots in oregon imagine if one of these kids goes to school and gets it out of his mom's locker right my mom for early christmas got me on icbm oh soon very soon it's yeah early but it happened it did happen last week yeah with that kid who got the gun from his parents and then his mom's like you got to be good about buying ammo at school.

Yeah. Don't. Oh, you got to not get caught. Not get caught buying ammo at school. That kid was going to hunt. And the teacher's like, this guy's writing some weird, upsetting, upsetting shit. And then that's why we bought him a gun. We're just going to try to leave the country.

The fuck? Every other country is like, America is the worst why would you but seriously like there's people let's give them a bum there's so many people that you just think that person should like there's there's people you need to they they have like protective orders and people can't come within certain amounts of schools and we're just like no man anybody could have a nuke like literally anybody and if you're rich yeah you can have harvey weinstein could have a nuke, like literally anybody. And if you're rich, Harvey Weinstein could have a nuke or whatever, like our fucking Jeffrey Epstein could have a nuke or what. You know what I mean?

There are people I wouldn't trust with a sharpened stick. Do you remember when we took the CCL classes, the concealed carry classes? That dude who had the fucking instructor handed him a gun, he was just like, no! Exactly. Holy shit. That guy scared me with a fake gun. I agree, man.

Give that guy a nuclear weapon? What about like, you know, think about this. What kind of tragedy would have befell the set of Rust if Alec Baldwin had a nuclear weapon? Well, the armor didn't know that the nuke was loaded. Oh, Ian. Ian, you can fucking sign. That's the easiest thing to get right. Hey, should we give that guy a loaded gun

or an unloaded gun? I don't know. It would take literally two seconds to check. Amazing. We should probably not check. Amazing. All right. Trained with responsibility and morality and the concept of learning where you use...

You gotta qualify at the nuclear range. You gotta have a training course. Where the guy's like, okay, now show me the nuke. Now you gotta load the nuke. And it's just this guy who's shaking. He's gotta load a nuke. He's got a fucking thing of fucking nuke. Now you gotta load the nuke and it's just this guy shaking trying to load a nuke. He's got a fucking

thing of fucking nuke juice that he's trying to plug into the thing. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Trigger discipline when it comes to, never point a nuke at a city you don't want obliterated. Treat every nuke like it's

full of atoms. You need to watch this 15 minute video. If you try to fire the nuke and it doesn't go off, you have to wait a minute before staring down the barrel of your nuke. You got to go to a certain website where you can carry your concealed carry nuke wherever you want. You walk in, you got a big fucking joke. you'll carry nuke wherever you want. You walk in, you got a big fucking joke. What?

What? I need it for self-defense. I need to obliterate all of mankind. For self-defense. Some guy comes, holds up a gas station and you whip your new cup to save the day. Get the

fuck out of here. Where is the fucking stuff? This guy is so stupid. Oh my god. What an idiot. How do you say that? How do you say that? How do you say that and think that?

Cesar, we only owe a responsible person. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, this is a good one. Dave says good guy with a nuke. Jesus Christ, David. How afraid were you when Trump had the nuke codes? Oh my God. Dude, when he said he wanted to blow up a storm. He wanted to shoot a hurricane.

Everybody was slitting on the edge of their seat for four years. I forgot about that. There's like some fucking dude in a fucking fishing trawler. It blows up. It's the perfect storm.

It blows up and he's like, oh, thank goodness. It was a good guy with a noob. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, man. Mankind wouldn't last the first 20 minutes. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh God. Thanks for joining us for Toaster Shakens 2021.

Look forward again next year. And before we go, a huge interruption by Ian. Thanks, Sarah. I'll give the mic back in a second. Okay. I was listening to the 2019 Toaster Shakens and I wanted to replay something I said from then. Let's take a listen.

Here's to a bright and successful 2020 for everyone. I guess every year we kind of say, hopefully it's better than the last year, but this year it's going to be even bester. Whoops. Well, we're going to leave you, as always, with the skeptic's creed. Yeah. So that one is my fault.

You know, I won't do it again. Because this year is going to be even bester. Good luck. Take it away, Sarah. A huge shout out to all our patrons who make this show possible. You fucking rock. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

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