Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 656: Vulgarity For Charity Kickoff 2023!

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

DONATE TO MODEST NEEDS     Show Notes

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at this episode 656 in cecil yeah today it is the triumphant return yes of the roast the vulgarity for charity we have done our first record of some i would say extremely high quality long awaited wow low quality there are some written and read roasts we did some things out loud and we wrote some things put in some here's the thing yeah vulgarity for charity is

kicking off and we were joined later on this episode with heath noah and eli from the scathing atheist we team up every year. Sometimes it lasts two years, but every year we team up to do this Vulgarity for Charity with them. And we are at this point, I can tell you for sure, we're over $200,000. Later on in the show, we're going to say it again.

And there's a chance we're even higher by then because this won't be posted until later on. And we're still doing our charity stream tonight. So there's a lot going on and it's been a great, great outpouring of support. So if you haven't, today's Monday that this is releasing, you haven't donated,

you still have until Thursday, Thanksgiving in America to donate and help someone out. So all you gotta do is donate $50 or more, gets you eligible to get picked for a roast. We're picking a hundred random roasts out of the pot. And I'm telling you right now, there's not a ton of people that have joined in. There's a lot of money that's been given, but not a ton of people. So there's

a chance your roast gets picked. Your odds are excellent. So we're, we're doing the top 100 donors and a random smattering of the next 100 so 200 donors are donors we haven't gotten 300 donors yet chances are you'll be picked i mean that's a really good you are looking we are looking right now at a very high likelihood enter now get your money in do some good charity is important modest needs does enormously valuable work guys it bridges that gap we've talked about this before but you know, the American safety net is full of fucking holes. It is full of holes. It is a shitty, lousy safety net. We shouldn't have to rely on the largest of others. We shouldn't have to rely on charity to meet that middle space.

But the reality is that we do. And so many of us have found ourselves at one time or another in our lives in need of a car repair we couldn't afford. Or, you know, I was just reading something the other day in the Northeast in New England. A lot of people get their heat from heating oil. So here in the Midwest, I didn't even know this until Haley and I started dating. Here in the Midwest, I never think about my heat. I go, I turn it on. I have to pay the bill. You know, I have to pay a gas bill. But like, they don't turn your fucking gas off and like by law in Illinois between certain months

because they won't let you actually freeze to death. But in New England, you have to buy heating oil that they drive to your house. Really? Yeah, and they pump heating oil. Like you have- Do you have gas lights in your house too? Like, I know, man. It seems so old timey. Do they drive it with a horse and carriage? It is- they pump heating oil. Like you have- Do you have gas lights in your house too? Like a- I know, man.

It seems so old timey. Do they drive it with a horse and a carriage? It is- Please say they do. It'd be amazing. And then they put the coal down the coal chute. And it's like, and then the chimney sweep comes by. Shook us, shook us, shook us up.

Yeah, it's crazy. So they drive actual, honest to God, like oil for the burn-ins to your house. And you store your- And so the cost of that is going up as inflation. And so people are running out of the ability to buy heat right now. So we're, we're entering into the winter time. People need help of all sorts. An organization like Modest Needs can help give somebody heat in their home. It's that essential. It's just like life and death kind of shit for some people. Yeah. It's that essential. It's just like life and death kind of shit for

some people. Yeah. It's really important. And any amount helps. $50 gets your roast, but any amount helps, right? You can do $5. You can do $10. You can do $20. Whatever you can give to them, send it along and then send it to us. You might not be able to get a roast, but we'll be able to add it into the kitty and we'll be able to add it up to the total. And it will matter. And it's going to matter. And this is secular people giving, right? This is what this is about.

This is what this whole thing has always been about. This is saying to all those people out there who say, you know, the charitable giving always comes from the religious. That's not true. At this point right now, we're over a million dollars for charity. Over a million right now. Over a million. That's right now. Right. million right now. That's right now. It's going to be more than that, but it's all right

now. The aggregate total over what? Four years? Four years. I was looking at my Facebook memories and we were absolutely through the moon that we reached like $20,000. I remember that. We were absolutely through the moon. But the thing is, is our community is a giving community. It is. And they recognize the good that comes from this. And so we would encourage you, if you have any extra, give to Modest Needs this year. Master! Master! Granville, look at me.

I'm drinking wine and eating Chetan. Master, what are you doing out in the daytime? Relax, Granville. I am cure. No, no, you're not. Look. All right, so this story, Cecil, comes from Business Insider. Herschel Walker veered off in a campaign speech to rant about werewolves killing vampires. Tom, I want to start by saying a very, very modest red ripple rolled through the house.

The Senate, it appears right now is 50-50, can be 50, or pardon me, it's 49-50. Right. And it could be 51-49. Right. Depending on where this race is. Turning on this, this runoff. This is now a runoff.

Millions of people voted for Herschel Walker. Millions. Think about that. Millions of people voted for herschel walker millions think about that millions of people voted for herschel walker now several of these other states that they thought for sure they were going to flip it did not happen the senate especially did not happen some of these other states they thought i was reading a very what i thought was a pretty average run-of-the-mill estimate when the election started was the House, the Democrats were going to be able to keep 209 to 211 seats. That was about what they were thinking they were going to do. And that's not bad, really. That's not a terrible majority.

It's not. Now they're looking at right now, it's 214 is what they're thinking the Democrats will get probably at the end. It is the slimmest of margins in the House. In the House, it's 214 is what they're thinking the Democrats will get probably at the end. Yeah, it is the slimmest of margins in the House. In the House, it's tiny. And for a body that has 438 total seats, to have it come down to a majority of three or a majority of four, it's nothing. It's slight.

It's a fucking nothing burger. They're already talking about what they're gonna do. They're already talking about how they're gonna bring up Hunter Biden. That's the first thing that they, literally the first thing on their plate after they've gotten control of the house, guys, that'll tell you exactly where the Republican party mindset is.

They immediately said they're going to go after Hunter Biden. Good. That helps the American people. Because, you know, they ran on high gas prices and inflation, but the first thing they're going to do, of course, is go after Hunter Biden.

Well, because, because they're tough on crime, right? They are the tough on crime party. They're out there. They're going to make sure that you don't get carjacked or whatever it is that they're trying to sell you the fear of. And the way they'll do that is by investigating somebody who is not a government employee. Yeah, exactly. Right. What are you going to do to him? What's your plan? What do I give a shit? What are you going to do? He is not a fucking government employee. You're going to impeach him for nothing? That's not going to happen. It's super stupid.

It's really just a lame use of resources. And they're going to run, they're basically going to run this. The thing is though, they're required to have people on the other side that'll be Democrats. So they have to give the Democrats some time. So they'll probably just be like,

it'll be in front of them the whole time. So it'll just be theater. But understand this, the Republicans not only have an advantage when it comes to gerrymandering, they did a good job of gerrymandering enough so that they had many deep, deep red seats and they only had to win a few toss-ups

in order to get a house. And the Senate is already leaning towards them. The Senate already leans towards the right. But they also have the amazing ability that the right does of not having to do anything in one house and it stops all the government. So they don't have to capture all three houses to get anything done. To get the thing that they want done, they only need one. They just need one and they can stop all of government with just one

because for them, ceasing everything is important. Yeah, well, you hit the nail on the head because republicanism and conservatism, unlike progressivism or liberalism, is about not making progress. Right, right. So for us, we need all three bodies of government in order for us to push forward an agenda because it's a proactive

agenda of actual legislation and money that needs to be spent in order to move the country forward. But if your goal is to grind America to a halt because you have no ideas and you have nothing to fucking offer and your actual agenda is not solving america's problems and that's how we solve america's problems yeah then all you have to do is be the big anchor cock block you don't have to do your job is to not get laid yeah that's the easiest fucking job ever well and the and the and the the issue here is they they could not get laid in any one of the different houses of government right, they could not get laid on any one of the different houses of government. Right.

Right. They could not get laid in the, in the Senate. They could not get laid in the house. I don't think they could not get laid in a box. They could not get laid on us. I will not eat your green eggs. No,

but, but like if they have the presidency, we've seen it happen before where the president won't do anything, even though that they've lost both House and Senate. Right. You know, we saw what happened to how how much disruption can happen even when they just lose one of these. Even when you just lose one of these houses, you know, the senator, the House, you're going to there's going to be just a grind to the halt. So that's what's happening now. Right now, though, there is a fight for the Senate and Herschel Walker, millions of votes. And here's what he said. He's back on the campaign trail, guys. He's back on the campaign

trail because he's got it. There's a runoff. I will admit I found and I just I'm not going to give anything away, but I will say I found this both relevant, compelling and cohesive. both relevant, compelling, and cohesive. Okay. There's a line that Dave Chappelle did on his standup for Saturday Night Live. And he said, he stopped and he's like, Herschel Walker is observably stupid. And I was like, you know what?

He really is. He is. He really is. So here we go. Here is the ever observably stupid Herschel Walker. And I want to preface this by saying he's literally just trying to tell a story, a simple story with a simple punchline. And it takes him over two minutes to get there. Where's that clip of that kid is like, and then, and then, and then.

You ever had a dream where you, and then you, where you had a dream. This is Herschel Walker, the campaign speech. It's insanity. I can't believe this guy, he could possibly be a senator. Here we go. I want you to keep the faith. Oh, do you ever watch a stupid movie late at night, hoping it's going to get better, don't get better, but you keep watching it anyway?

Because the other night I was watching this movie, I was watching this movie called Fright Night, Freak Night, or some type of night, but but it was about vampires i don't know if you know vampires and cool people are they not but i'm gonna tell you something that i found out a werewolf can kill a vampire what is happening so i don't want to be a vampire anymore i want to be a werewolf but then anyway as i'm watching this movie and then you tell how stupid it is because it's one in the morning so i'm watching TV. Are these kids watching their TV or a vampire kill on their TV? So you know it's kind of stupid,

but I'm still watching, though. As I'm watching this show, one of these kids... If you're in the audience, aren't you like, yeah, it is kind of stupid, but I'm still watching. Are you feeling this moment right now? What is that like? It's like one time my dog farted and sneezed at the same time or whatever.

And then you're just like, cool, man. That's super cool. What is happening? It's every, okay. You ever had a two-year-old come up to you and try to tell you a story about something? It's more cohesive than that. Yes.

It's more cohesive. It doesn't take this long. When they try to tell you something. What is astonishing? First of all, can you imagine being one of his handlers right now? And you're like a serious person who's always wanted to be.

You are a serious person. And you're just like, motherfucker. I went to Georgetown. Right? Yes, I know. You're like, I am in debt for so long.

Much money. Over this. Actually, I'm not because my parents paid for me to go, but it doesn't matter. It was a lot of money and I wasted my time. I could have been fucking ass deep in ass the whole time. Instead, I got up early and went to fucking class.

And now I'm following fucking Herschel Walker around and he's bumble fucking a story that literally, Tom, this story takes no effort to tell what he's trying to say. When you get to the final punchline, it takes no effort. You would blow it away. That's the punchline. This is my,

I love this so much. And also the laughs that he gets are so out of proportion to anything. I know. Funny that he said, I think it's nervous laughter. I think there's, if you're in the audience for Herschel Walker, you're really in the audience

to not be in the audience of Warnock. Yeah. That's what you did. You showed up to oppose somebody. Exactly. And look, I kind of get that, but also I would stand in and be like, oh God, really?

This grimace ass motherfucker, really? In your purple sport coat, telling a story about werewolves? Of all the people I don't like in politics, there's dozens of them. You know what I mean? Like there's dozens of people that I just absolutely loathe.

And I gotta be honest, like I can't imagine motivating myself to go to the other persons just because I dislike them. Yeah, no, same. It feels like such a fucking... I don't know, man. It feels like you really just have to have a hate on in order to

do that to just be so angry about the other person. Because there's no way you're in this audience for Herschel Walker's type 5. There's no way. Yeah, right. Exactly. There's no way. Nobody's looking at that guy and being like, hey, respect. That's my boy. Nobody. No. Are you serious? I can way. Nobody's looking at that guy and being like, Hey, respect.

That's my boy. No, no. No. Are you serious? I can't. I mean, I would imagine if I was his handler, I would give him three things to say and make him write it down.

Like Sarah Palin on his hand. Yeah. You, I would give him two things to say and have him write three in the hopes that he'll remember to read two of them. He, he would, I would make him write it on his hand.. I would make him write it on his hand.

I would literally make him write it on his hand. Is he the dumbest? I'm not even kidding. Is he the genuinely, is he the dumbest candidate you've ever seen in modern politics?

I think Herschel Walker was seriously damaged in the NFL. I genuinely do. Yeah, I do. Right. Because I just don't think, I think there's something seriously wrong with him. I think he has that CTE or whatever it is.

I think so because, I mean, he wrote a memoir in 2008. He wrote a memoir in 2008 outlining, and so this is the candidate that the Republicans have floated, right? So his memoir in 2008 explicitly outlines his struggles with violence and with mental illness and like

dissociative identity disorder. And you're like, bro, this is the best guy. There's there's only 100 seats. There's 100 senators. How did they dig up the guy who lost last time? That guy. Go dig up that girl that Kelly lady or whatever her name, Kelly Laughlin or whatever. Literally.

Go dig them up. They got lady or whatever her name, Kelly Laughlin or whatever. Literally, go dig them up. They got what are they doing, man? Like this is your this is the Republican Party in Georgia. And you chose this guy. Yeah, but cynically, they chose him because he's a black guy who opposed a black guy. That's it. And they're just absolutely right. That's it.

You're absolutely right. What a fun. He's got amazing name recognition. Amazing name. He does.'re absolutely right. What a fun. He's got amazing name recognition. Amazing name. He does. He absolutely does. Guys, just continue to listen to this because I can't even with this story. No, it does.

It does not get better. In that attic at their house. So they were watching their TV. This is really my TV. They're watching their TV or they see the vampire killer on their TV. So they win this contest to bring this actor. Now, y'all got to stay with me. Bring this actor who's a vampire killer from that TV to get rid of this real life vampire

and they're at it. So if this actor comes to their home, he got all the right stuff. He got all the right stuff because you got to have a state and got to have a thing to kill him in the heart. And he got a necklace of garlic for that work. I don't know what it does, but it worked. You got to have a cross because it burned. I know that worked.

And then all of a sudden, this is what was so funny about it. As they're walking through the house, this guy got the holy water. He's blessing the house, this actor. Now, he's all fake. He's blessing the house with his holy water. They walked upstairs and this vampire looking real good in this black suit. Whoa, that sounds like Senator Warnock, doesn't it? Looking all good. That's a great joke. Because he looks good in this blight suit. Whoa, that sounds like Senator Warnock, doesn't it? Looking all good. That's a great joke.

Because he looks good in a suit? Did you hear the fucking laughter that came up? You're right. I think you're right. They just don't like Warnock. They just don't like him. You're not there. Look, I get it. You want to go to the Herschel Walker event to get his autograph on your football. Right? Because he was a big football deal.

You know what? You're probably right. That's what is showing up. They're showing up. It's like, a big football deal. You know what? You're probably right. You're probably right. That's what is showing up. They're showing up. It's like, sign my tits. You know what I mean? It's like, it's nothing. It's fucking fan worship garbage. That's it. Because they liked him as a football guy. He's going to need a big pen for it to sign my tits. He's going to need a one of those flat sharpies. He's going to need one of those big sharpies

to sign my tits. Because you won't even see it if it's like a regular pen. You'll be like, whatever. Is that a hair? What is that? If I ever meet a celebrity, I'm going to have them sign my tits. You got to do it to like somebody,

a low-level celebrity, like a skeptic of the year. Oh. Like Marsh. Is there a lower level? Get Marsh to sign your tits. Yeah, I'm going to have Marsh. Get Marsh to sign your tits.

If I see Marsh again in person, I'm going to have him sign my tits. I'm going to have him sign your tits. Put them, push them together. Oh, absolutely.

Cleave them out. Cleave them out. There you go. to be like can you get right in there can you get right in there looking good and cool and i'm thinking whoa they better get out of that house if somebody float from your ceiling get out of that house that's that's not your house but as he floated from the ceiling the kid jumped behind that hero. As they jumped behind that hero, the guy jumped in front of him with his holy water, threw it on the vampire's forehead. He covered his eye. And he took his hand away. He started laughing.

And he said, that don't work. He took the cross and put it on the vampire's forehead. And the vampire didn't even do anything. He said, that don't work. But that's the way it is in our life. It don't even work unless you got faith. It is time for us to have faith. Okay. There we go.

Okay. So, Tom, this is a three-sentence story. How long have we listened so far? This is over two minutes. It's a three-sentence story to set the scene to say, I was watching Fright Night. There was a preacher in there. He didn't have faith.

He came up and he had a cross and he put it on the vampire's head and the vampire laughed at him because he didn't have faith. And came up and he had a cross and he put it on the vampire's head and the vampire laughed at him because he didn't have faith. And what we need now is faith. We need, you know, I mean, it's two sentences. It's two sentences. This setup is two sentences to get there.

30 seconds into the song, George Michael told you to have faith like 10 times. He did. He said, you gotta have it. You gotta have faith. You gotta have it. And then he danced in real tight jeans. Real tight. Really tight jeans. jeans wow if he wasn't dead i'd vote for him over herschel walker you know what actually i would even dead i would vote for him over herschel

walker auto erotic asphyxiated corpse of michael i don't even know if that's how he died most of most of those guys die like that though i I gotta admit, most of them die like that. I actually think almost every celebrity dies of auto-arachnistic asphyxiation. They just die of that. They're just like, yeah, man. No, but this seriously

takes them two minutes to get there. Two minutes. And the crowd is still there. I would leave. I would go home. I would fall asleep.

Jesus Christ. I would do anything to not be there anymore. Anything. What a horror that is. I can't imagine. I cannot imagine, you know be there anymore. Anything. What a horror that is. I can't imagine. I cannot imagine. You know, there's sometimes you hold your nose.

I'm going to give an example. A couple years ago, when Rauner and Pritzker were running against one another. Great example. When Rauner and Pritzker were running against another. Now, you got to know, in this state, I have not liked the governor in,

since I've been voting. So over 20 years, I didn't like the governor. Because Blagojevich was a shit and a corrupt shit um and then you know like there was other people beforehand like an edgar or something that was shit and then they and then they came back with like a republican for a while and then they went back to a democrat and back and forth it's been there was a there was a uh another democrat in there who was garbage and so there's just like, like they just were bad at their job and they were corrupt and shitty. And two of them went to jail,

one right after the other. They were awful. They were just the worst, right? So every governor that's come in, I've actually been for many years, I've been protest voting in this state because genuinely, and this is like where in other states it does,

in other races it does matter because there is a lesser evil. In this state there just wasn't sometimes. genuinely and this is like where in other states it does in other races it does matter because there is a lesser evil in this state there just wasn't sometimes it was like they're both so bad i was voting green party this last time around rauner the guy who was the republican ran this this state into the ground he was terrible governor genuinely terrible and finally pritzker was running and i hated pritzker i like fucking hate him him. I was like, no, I don't want to do it. He's a fucking billionaire. Fuck billionaires.

Shouldn't be in there. I held my nose and voted for him. Yep. That is like the one time I can remember being like, I got to hold my nose and vote for this person. I got to hold my nose and vote for this person. I can't imagine doing that for Herschel Walker.

He's stupid. I can't imagine thinking that this is going to be the lesser of two evils. I can't imagine living in a, like, waking up and living in a world where Herschel Walker is an American senator is a fucked world. It's a terrifying world. There's, we're at this like crazy place and I don't think it's a both sides-ism. There are some genuinely, and no kidding around

about it, there are some genuinely just objectively stupid people on the right that have made their way into the halls of power in a way that should scare us because it's not okay. Herschel Walker is a frighteningly unqualified human being. Herschel Walker, though, is genuinely, I would say, qualified human being. Herschel Walker though is, is genuinely, I would say maybe 15 to 20 IQ points lower than the other people. Yeah, man. Like Herschel Walker. And this is, I, I, I a hundred percent blame this on the, on the, the damage he took in the NFL, but I think he was, I think he was seriously damaged and he feels like he is much, much more dim than these other people that have been in there like like and i mean genuinely like marjorie taylor green lauren bobert they seem genuinely stupid yeah like

like i think you could take like the cawthorns the gates the greens the boberts you could put them all in a fucking room they're all dumber than a bag of fucking hammers they're not smart people but like regardless of the reason why herschel walker is stupid he's stupid stupid like he's just at a place where he's not a smart guy he's not this is not a problem solver no what the fuck is he talking about in america right now how is this two-minute conversation about fucking werewolves and vampires gonna help america what is his fucking plan he has no plan this is a guy that like held a gun to his ex-wife's fucking head. His plan is to not be Reverend Warnock,

who was a pretty innocuous character as far as I was concerned. The thing that was distasteful for me was he was a reverend. I can't imagine people in Georgia not connecting with the fact that he's a reverend, but somehow. Yeah, well, there's a bunch of them that are like, all right, you can be a reverend, but you're still black, so I'm voting again. But then you got this guy, and it's like, what the fuck?

This is the candidate that they are showing, I think, to all the white establishment down there that he will do what we say. I think so, too, because- And I think that's the only thing that he's been displaying on any time he's ever spoken, is that he will do what his handlers tell him. Thank you. He is the most transparent puppet. Yeah.

I think that's it. I think that's it. He's just going to be like, where do I sit? How do I do? How is politics? And it is because, and they're trying to make it apparent to all the people that are going to vote. Yeah. But I don't think this is motivating enough if you don't have other people on the ballot.

I think he's going to get fucking stomped. I hope he gets fucking stomped. I think he's going to get fucking stomped. I hope he gets crushed. I will tell you what democracy is. Democracy is the worst. Endless talking and listening to every stupid opinion. And everybody's vote counts,

no matter how crippled or black or female they are. So this story comes from Right Wing Watch. Nick Fuentes says the results of the 2022 elections prove why we need a dictatorship. This is the quiet part out loud? This is a lot. This is the quiet part out loud. This is so much.

And this guy is essentially a fascist so he is he's a scary scary person on the right who has been banned from multiple places on the right because they recognize that he is a toxic brand yeah um because he's a fascist and he's he's openly he's a white nationalist he's this is this nick flint is the same guy who openly said like six three three to six months ago something like you know hitler was right or like we shouldn't be joking about hit like he said well like hitler did he's like i can't say that or something yeah you know basically something it was something i mean i think i'm probably being less less horrible than what he said he said some horrible like

hitler's pretty cool but we're not allowed to say it. Just looking at him, though, young Jerry Lewis. That's what it looks like to me. It looks like a young Jerry Lewis, which is a huge bash to Jerry Lewis. It is. It was a cue. So here we go. You got to recognize the fact that this is a godless country.

I hate it. It's immoral.oral it's wrong even his mannerisms now you're not watching this at all if you're not watching this you just listen to it he's got his elbows sort of dug into his waist and he's doing the lady thing he's kind of got that sort of like it's the even the mannerisms are very similar. He's weird, man. He's a very weird, smug, smarmy little fuck. Yeah. That's what he is.

Yeah. This is a guy that like, I don't, I genuinely, I do not advocate for violence, but if it happened, yeah, you would be like, I could have cake.

It's like watching, it's like watching that one guy get punched in the face. That Spencer guy. Right. When you're like, Oh, somebody punched that guy in the face. Anyway. Yeah. You you're like, oh, somebody punched that guy in the face. Anyway.

Yeah. It literally changes nothing about your day. You're just like, oh, yeah, that guy got punched in the face. Anyway. Right. You're like, I would like some cream in my coffee. Oh, okay. And you're just sipping your tea on the side like, uh-huh.

It's heinous. It's evil. But this is an evil country. And this country will surprise you with how evil it is. And that's why you got to get this out of your head that there is some silent majority cavalry that's going to come out of the woods and save us at the last minute. It's not. When we meet the left on the battlefield and they outnumber us like five to one, that's it. People think we're going to start getting cut down. And then at the last minute, they're going to blow the Volkish horn and the asylum. The what horn?

That's the that's the Nazi party. Holy shit. He's talking about the Nazi party. Holy shit. Really? Volkish is the white is the nationalist party. That was. Oh, my God.

Yeah, no, I mean, he's a fucking straight-up Nazi. Oh, my God. He's a straight-up fucking Nazi. I thought it was maybe like a Lord of the Rings reference or something. I mean, do you want to look it up? No, I believe you. Let's look it up. Let's look it up.

But I was just like, I was going to make fun of him for making a nerd reference. No. Instead, he's making a fucking hate-filled reference. Ooh, it's an ethno-nationalist movement from fucking... Ooh, God. That's Nazis, right? Yeah. I mean, it's Volkisch hornnationalist movement from fucking, ooh, God. That's Nazis, right? Yeah.

I mean, it's Volkish horn. He's saying Volkish. Erected an idea of blood and soil. Part of a series on Nazism. Yeah, I mean, he's 100%. This is a Nazi reference. It's a Nazi. He's making a Nazi reference as if his side is going to be rallied by a Nazi horn. If you hear this guy

and you kind of agree with him, you're a fucking Nazi, man. You're a Nazi, period. You're a fucking Nazi. So this guy isn't fucking, this isn't a dog whistle. This is a megaphone. Yeah. And you can't be a little bit Nazi, right? No, you're 100% a Nazi. Being a Nazi is like megaphone. Yeah. And you can't be a little bit Nazi. Right. Right. No, you're 100% a Nazi. Being a Nazi is like being pregnant. You cannot be a little pregnant. I'm half pregnant. You're five. This guy is like, as soon as you, because what he's saying too is like, this country

is an evil country because the Nazis are outnumbered five to one. Because the Nazis are outnumbered five to one. And I love the young people came out to vote this time. That was shown. Yeah, I know, man. How shocking is I love the young people came out to vote this time. That was shown that the young people came out to vote. They came out, like we've been telling millennials for a long time to get out and vote and they were unmotivated for a long time. Gen Z came out.

Gen Z was like, fuck you, I'll do this thing. They came out and voted like crazy. They stomped, man. Absolutely crazy. And he's mad about that. He's upset about that. He recognizes, like you've been saying for a long time, they're outnumbered. They are outnumbered.

You know what's in my stepson turns 18 in time to vote for the 2024 election. My stepson is fucking jazzed. He is excited. He wants to know, like, when can he register? How soon can he get? It's like, trust me. I'm seeing posts from young people on Reddit reddit who are saying i'm in this state i don't turn 18 until uh until right before the vote next time can i vote in the primary and in some states oh you can you can our state is one

of those where if you turn wait really i'm pretty sure at least i was this guy listed a bunch of states states and I thought I saw a state and I'm not going to be 100% honest. I don't, I didn't, I just did a quick search. So just look for your state though. But in some states, if you turn 18 before the actual election, but you aren't 18 by the time of the, they will, they will allow you to vote in that primary. So you can vote in the primary beforehand, which normally happens seven, eight months beforehand. So you can vote in those primaries. So in different places, there's open primaries and our state is closed primary where you have to pick a party. So it just depends on how your state runs it. But yeah, the young people, he's upset. He's super mad about young people because he knows what you've been saying for a long time, which is they're

outnumbered and they're outnumbered by a lot. They're not outnumbered by a little bit. They had to do a lot of work on the back end to get this house thing. Yeah, they had to cheat. They had to go out. They had to fucking cheat. And then New York tried to cheat a little too much. And that bounced. And that's really why we lost the house.

That's why we lost the house because they tried to cheat too much. They tried to do too much in New York and it got redistricted and it fucked us. So. The majority's going to come running in from the flanks. I want to just play the Nazi part again real quick. Yeah, so nobody loses context of it. Nobody loses the context here we go. Now that we've looked it up. That's it. People think we're going to start getting cut down and then at the last minute they're going to blow the valkish horn and the silent majority is going to come running in from the flanks on horses and they're just going to start cutting up it's

not going to happen no because we are in the we are in the minority yeah because you're not as many of us as there are of them if they all had to vote if you forced every man and woman in america to vote there would be more of them than us by a lot. That's why they win the popular. That's why you want to stop people from voting. That's why they want to slow this down. That's why they want to make polling places harder to get to make fewer of them so that people don't vote. They want to make it harder to vote by mail, harder to vote early. They want to do all that stuff because they don't want a robust turnout. No. Here's the thing. Nick's ideology and morals are bereft and bankrupt and evil.

But his analysis is right. He knows the numbers right now. He's not wrong. You are right. They are bereft. But that is the quiet part of the Republican Party. Yeah. It has been for years. You're not. Yep, absolutely.

They'll vote. That's why they win the House. That's why it is the way it is. You didn't win the House, you fucking idiot. And I hate to burst anybody's bubble, but there is simply no evidence that there is a silent majority. There is no evidence of this. I totally agree right now. There are too many non-white people in the country, frankly,

for that to be the case. There's plenty of fucking white people that are racist. And like 80% of them are liberal, okay? And out of the white people, it's like 60-40. Well, it needs to be bigger than that. 40% of 60% that are liberal and 80% of 40%. 40% that of 60%? I think you got that backwards.

Yeah, because I mean, I figure he's wrong because there's more white folk that are conservative in this country. You think more than 50% of white people are conservative? Yes. He's saying 60% of white people are liberal. No, that's wrong. I don't know what that number is.

That's factually, especially in the, well, at least of who votes, right? I mean, I'm not saying of like registered voters. Yeah, it would have to be wrong. Otherwise, the numbers would never be close. The numbers would never work. The numbers would never be even close. They would never work otherwise.

Yeah. Yeah. No, they were showing like voting Republican, something like 70% of white males vote Republican. And then like- Jesus Christ, 70% of white males vote Republican? And then like- Jesus Christ, 70% of white males vote Republican? Over 60% of women do too, white women. Holy fuck.

The black vote and the Latino vote is almost, and the Asian vote is almost always Democrat. But that's what he's upset about. That's what he's talking about right now is the ethnicity. He's saying anybody who's not white is voting for these other things. And he's right.

I mean, he's probably wrong about all his math, but he's right about it. other things and he's right he's he's i mean he's probably wrong about all his math but he's he's right yeah and he's right about the the analysis that like he wants to live in a fucking white ethno state and he's pissed that he can't have pissed that he can't but the math i tried it earlier it didn't work you do the math on that there's not enough of us okay now that's not a total black pill because this isn't a democracy and we don't want it to be. But – So it's not the end. There are other ways. I mean it's a representative democracy.

I can elaborate on that later if people want me to. But that's a whole other discussion really. But the point is when you look at these things like abortion, it's popular. People like abortion, hate it, but it's true. And you can thank the Jewish media for that. Wow. Abortion is popular. Sodomy is popular. What the's popular. Sodomy's popular.

Being gay is popular. Being a feminist is popular. Sex out of wedlock is popular. Contraceptives are popular. It's all popular. He's so mad because nobody will fuck him. Dude, listen to all that stuff that he's saying. And it's all personal freedoms.

Like everything he is listing is a personal freedom. And we should have fuck you. Every libertarian who votes fucking hard, right? Cause every one of those fucking hard, right? Candidates believes what he has to say. This is not, this is not controversial. Now his controversial statement about the Jews, that's controversial. You won't hear that on the floor unless it's Marjorie Taylor green talking about Jewish

space lasers or something. And you won't hear somebody say, you know, an actual Nazi term on the floor unless it's Marjorie Taylor Greene talking about Jewish space lasers or something. And you won't hear somebody say, you know, an actual Nazi term on the floor. But if you think about all the things that they're saying, that he's saying, these are all personal freedoms that the Republicans hate. And if you're a fucking libertarian and you vote for these fucking Republicans because your fiscal conservatism is more important than your social progressivism, you're an asshole. Fuck you forever. Yeah. And you know, I would also point out it is, it is personal freedoms, but it is almost exclusively sexual personal freedoms.

Right. And it's sexual personal freedoms that women bear the brunt of the responsibility and consequences for. Yeah. So like, like it's not just that they're like, Oh, like let people do what they want. It's like, no, we really, really want to get hard. We really want to harp on sex. We really want to harp on sex and the consequences of sex. And we want to make sure that we can create an environment that has the maximum amount of consequentialness or consequentialality or the most consequences, the most consequences for sex

but it's not most consequences for everybody it's the most consequences for women yeah take away what like look look at his worldview what does he want he wants to like he wants okay let's say there was no gay marriage let's say there was let's say being homosexual was outlawed well what does that mean it means that there's going to be more heterosexual couples without access to contraception in his world and without access to abortion. That naturally leads to a world where women, again, we've talked about this before. Yeah, they get removed from the workforce. They get removed from the fucking workforce. This is all about making sure that men have power over women. That's why they focus on sexual issues, right? They're not talking about other

issues. They're talking so much about sex because they know that sex is the gateway to making sure that they're the ones who have power. Yeah. And they're probably against same-sex marriages, not because they care about two gay guys. They care about women being out of their pool. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? That's probably why they're against gay unions. That's not to say I like that. Popular means the people support it, which they do. And it sucks and it is what it is, but that's why we need dictatorship. That's unironically why we need to get rid of all that.

We need to take control of the media or take control of the government and force the people to believe what we believe or force them to play by our rules and reshape the society. Fucking hell. But, you know, at least he's honest. You know what he is? He's one of the few honest. That's Mitch McConnell, man. What's the difference between that guy and fucking Mitch McConnell? There isn't any difference between him and any hard right, any hard right person in any of this, in any place in government, in any place in government.

Right. You know, if you were to ask Trump these questions about what you like and what you don't like and what you support and what you don't support, they would be, I think, a little more artful about how they say it. Even Trump might be a little more artful and a little more dodgy and a little more wishy-washy about how they come across it. But this is what they really believe. Yeah. Nick Fuentes is Mike Pence. There is no difference. Show me the fucking difference between Nick Fuentes and Mike Pence. They're the same fucking person. Sure. They're the same weird, sex-obsessed, fucking

regressive garbage Nazis. How do you fucking vote for these people? And here's the thing, man, he's not saying anything that's really super anti-Republican party. How do you vote for these people? How do you bring yourself to vote for these people? How do you be somebody who grew up in a culture where we didn't demonize gay people. Like, I mean, I know my parents had like a, it was all, you had to be in the closet or you get the chick kicked out of you or whatever. And even as a younger person, I knew that it was, it was something that came out, you know, people started coming out in the eighties, but it was certainly demonized. But once I got in, once you started getting into the nineties and the two thousands, people started accepting it

much more. Now don't get me wrong. You still have like Matthew Shepard. You still have some serious problems. For sure. But there was a bigger acceptance as time goes on. So I don't know how you could be his age and have these views, like these rabid views. But there's so many people in this country that have them. So many.

And I think that what they're seeing more and more, although encouraging news is that it looks like a federal law yeah that will that will enshrine into federal law independent of the supreme court republicans crossing the aisle 12 of them to get this to get to bounce it past the same-sex marriage and there's a lot of people marriage equality i should say marriage equality but man you know they they recognize that there's a lot of people. Or marriage equality. I should say marriage equality. But man, you know, they recognize that there's a lot of people in their constituency who are still voting for them for some fucking reason. Yeah.

And they recognize that this is a big deal to the people in their area. These aren't stupid people. They poll the people around. This is stupid people. No, yeah. Like you're talking about. Well, some of them are stupid.

I mean, don't get me wrong. But the people on this list, when you talk about the people on this list, you know, they have the finger on the pulse of their group, their area of their state. You know, you got two people from Alaska, both saying the same thing. You got Mitt Romney. Now Mitt Romney definitely recognizes the necessity for this. And I think Mitt Romney, you'll never get out. Mitt Romney recognizes the necessity of it. And not and not i think i do not think that it is a coincidence that just the week before the mormon church came out and basically said that it was in door it was it was not opposed yeah to same-sex marriages then mitt romney who is like probably the most influential mormon in politics

turns around. And so these things are all like, there's, there's clearly a relationship here, right? There's clearly a relationship. Yeah, man.

But don't ever fucking don't ever come under the assumption that Nick Fuentes is anything other than a Nazi. He's a Nazi. He just said it right out loud. He's a Nazi. But you know what? You listen to him and you're like, you know what,

motherfucker, you rhyme with all the others. And you rhyme with all of them that you're going extinct you know what, motherfucker? You rhyme with all the others. And you recognize that you're going extinct. Yeah. Bye. You know what that transition music means it's time to start vulgarity for charity but it's not really starting because we we started last week on their show so i mean whose show funny you should ask it's time to welcome back two podcasters wrong about the first season of cereal and one who didn't know captain crunch had seasons noah heath and eli oh wow yeah this is awkward we're not thomas

smith and andrew torres you're thinking i wouldn't have them on my show so no you're fine it's good oh yeah this is tip of the iceberg of the shit I'm wrong about yeah come on have we considered that Heyman Lee just got a bad case to Captain Crunchmouth cause that is as believable as the theory that Adnan didn't do it so you know

we should all minds open racist now before we dive in tonight I want to remind you that there's still plenty of time to get the roast of your dreams and you can make it on air either by donating in our top a hundred donors or just getting lucky. You know, you could just get drawn and, you know, I will say the number of roasts this year is less than last year. So get your name. I mean, there's not a lay as Tom said in a couple episodes before, there's not a lot of balls in

that bingo jar right now. You go get a chance if you donate. And as of right now. Please, put your balls in our bingo jar. Look. And if you want to put your balls in the bingo jar, you can head over to AdamEve.com. Glory to check out. All right.

And with the inflation of balls recently, you should be putting in more if you think about it. So as of right now, we are at $125,627.28. Which with our $100,000 match puts us at $225,627.28. Which means that we've got plenty of money to raise. So head on over to modestneeds.org. Give to any cause you like, you know, anyone you like the look of. Or you could just, if you want, you could donate to the general fund

and then you send the receipt to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com. Or you could, you know, ask Heath to roast your dog. You could do that too. We're not doing that. Heath can roast a dog. But before we get to the roast,

we want to thank our favorite kind of donors of Vulgarity for Charity, the service bottoms, if you will, the folks who gave us money but asked nothing in return, even though

they could have had our bodies and our hearts. First up, thank you to Kelly, Dave L, Mike B, Ann L, and Maggie E

for tossing into the pot. And an even bigger thanks, numerically, Mike B, Anne L, and Maggie E for tossing into the pot. And an even bigger thanks numerically to Teresa W, Amber C, Dan S, Dennis S, and Diana S, all of whom donated with the sole purpose of making me like double take at the initials, I assume, or maybe they're all related. And of course, an even thankier thank of the thankiest to becky h bill g brian e sarah nick and mave who donated like the thruple i know you secretly are and justin b who watches through the window when you do it excellent there's plenty more givers to thank but we'll catch you in a future edition for now we're gonna let the roasting begin. Heath, we're going to start with you.

Cool. Let me guess, a dog? Is it a dog? No, no, no, but it's the hero one. What? This is for that dumbass who thought his wife would be amused by Tom roasting his baby. Feels like there's a story there, but moving on. Is that the name of the person?

Yes. That guy would like you to roast Chicago native and Eli's gift to QED, Jepson's Malort. Oh, okay. Excellent. Malort tastes like drinking soft asparagus somehow. That's exactly what it tastes like. Like they somehow ran the smell of hot compost and midlife regret through a distilling rig and they bottled it as a liquid.

I watched an entire bar full of QED people make the exact same like and just barely keep down. It tastes like It tastes like that noise I just made. It does. Alright, Noah, you're up made. It does. All right.

Noah, you're up next. Adam S. would like a roast of charter schools. Oh, yeah. Charter schools. Proving you can improve test scores just by excluding students with low test scores since 1992. But I get it. Because the real problem with publicly funded education in this country was all that damned accountability, wasn't it? And yes yes the whole

concept is greater accountability but that just means more incentive to lie about it plus the end result is a promise that if they fail their students they will disappear in the night and leave the kids to fend for their goddamn selves i know there are people out there that are like no man you misunderstand charters let's look nothingy DeVos supports can be good. That is an immutable law of goddamn physics. Right? That's true. All right.

See, so I got one for you here. Trent would like a roast of Mormon apologist and legendary plagiarism enthusiast Daniel C. Peterson. You look like you were a product of polygamy and somehow incest like what the fuck you look like mcgillig gorilla went in to get his asshole bleached and slipped i'm like i would make fun of you for being a plagiarist but you aren't that good because tom doesn't own several of your books okay hurtful hurturtful. Hurtful. Yeah. No. Yeah. Hurtful. Hurtful.

Okay. This next one's for you. Uh, Eli, Dan would like a roast of Louis de joy for Mario and Emma. Okay. Louis de joy is sabotaging the post office, an institution that sabotages itself each and every fucking day and he's making it worse

and i think i realize why nobody has stopped him like he's definitely evil but he's just every superhero's last pick for who's gonna stop him right hawkeye is pushing stopping lewis de joy back in his calendar That's how evil and pointless he is. Also, he looks like someone snatched Rudy Giuliani's toupee. He does. So good. And Tom, why don't you give us your best shot at Catholic podcaster Timothy Gordon?

Okay. Yeah, I don't know who that is. I thought briefly about caring and then I just decided it didn't matter because like you know if you look up timothy gordon he's a self-styled catholic philosopher and then i thought okay well that's all i need to know a catholic philosopher what the fuck would that entail other than inventing a series of ever more convoluted mental gymnastics and jargonistic blandishments designed to excuse your support for a centuries old child sex trafficking organization like what metaphysics

do you employ that lets you sleep at night allied with an organization with mass graves on their property and which invented a pelvic chainsaw for cutting through irish women catholic philosopher give me a fucking break i'm sorry are you also an r kelly apologist too have you some deep fucking thoughts we should all tune into about the holocaust maybe catholic philosopher fucking please is there a particular scent of incense that you can swing around that hides the stench of centuries of pederasts and misogynists and nazi collaborators who the fuck do you have to be inside how depraved and craven and broken and worthless and cruel to spend time not just apologizing for these rapists and child murderers but then to make the whole thing worse by podcasting about it. We'll put the incense on a chain and swing it.

We'll keep them back a couple of feet. All right, Noah, back to you. Friend of the show, George Ramaka, asked that you roast his podcast, which all three of you have been on. Does this still work? Oh, he is so lucky that his podcast is coming. Like it's mentioned,

it's mentioned is coming right after the pedophilia apologist podcast so now his is good in comparison but yeah no so does this still work it's like gam but without all the humor and social relevance yikes but i keep listening i do keep listening to george not because i find it interesting or entertaining um but because i am convinced that that show is going to end with Joe beating the absolute shit out of you over a plot hole based disagreement. And I don't want anyone to spoil that for me before I hear it for myself. That's why I keep tuning in.

And Heath, this one's for you. Joe wants your roast governor, Tudor Dixon. Oh, that's so good. The way that's phrased because of how the election worked out so good okay tutor dixon not governor looks exactly like gretchen whitmer got

turned evil by a spell like exactly the people of michigan we actually got to decide between Whitmer and evil Whitmer and 44% chose evil Whitmer. She defended the use of blackface, by the way, in the year of our Lord 2020 in response to a blackface incident with a YouTuber. Dixon said we can no longer have comedy, which means either a jokes can't be funny to her without blackface or she thinks comedians cannot tell jokes without accidentally wearing blackface from time to time. Like they fall face first into it and then they tell a joke by accident. Those two options are both absurd.

first into it and then they tell a joke by accident. Those two options are both absurd. Now, okay, well, yes, Eli accidentally wore blackface for a live show at QED that one time. That one time. I was a chimney sweep. Tudor Dixon didn't know that. He was trying to be a chimney sweep

and Noah had to be like, hey man, hey, hey, that's, you're a chimney sweep out loud right now i was i'm a dedicated authentic member of my craft okay eli this one is definitely for you kyler would like a roast of real play dnd podcasts and the hosts okay wow it's sad enough that you play Dungeons and Dragons okay but recording it and exposing

other people to your D&D that's other people's work drama boring no no sorry other people's made up fantasy work drama is what you're this is what children do seven-year-olds five-year-olds they run in their faces smudged with fresh mud,

telling you about the dragon they slayed. Not a 35-year-old accountant on a Thursday night. And the seven-year-olds don't waste 100 bucks on mics. Also, check out D&D Minus if you haven't. Everybody's really good time. Wrap it up season one soon. Okay, best friend. Here's one for you.

Nicholas from Norway would like you to roast Recep Erdogan. And Tim helpfully added in our notes that he means the one from Turkey. Turkey. You know, as opposed to the professional skateboarder. Thank you, Tim. Just switch names. Tim, so close. I was so close to roasting the skateboarder. Thank you so Tim. Just switch names. Tim, so close. I was so close to roasting the skateboarder.

Thank you so much. Wow. You know when you're out and you wanted your mom to get you something and she would say, we have it at home? Erdogan is the dictator you already had at home, okay? He looks like someone who held in a rabidly nationalist sneeze for 20 years. All right, Tom, it's time for you to put your skills to test. Sterling would like you to roast his boss, Betty.

Betty, being jealous of your subordinates, that is imposter syndrome taken to a level of extremist and pathology that transcends empathy and vaults you right into the very stratosphere of shitty bosses now i actually have the good fortune in my real life to have some wonderful people i get to manage and i am not jealous of them because i'm the fucking boss that's better there's no reason to be jealous of someone who is your subordinate unless every single moment of every single day you are absolutely fucking terrified that you will be found out for being the big stupid fraud you are and that's different than imposter syndrome because betty is actually a fraud she's a giant steaming pile of rancid bullshit clumsily lumped and formed into a vaguely human shape and she is just mind tearingly afraid that everyone will smell her out for the liar and fraud that she is which everybody already has

and one day this mountainous flop of well-deserved insecurities will crumble and implode upon herself and nobody, nobody will have ever been jealous of her. All right. Now it's time for our lightning round. Oh, boomy voice. How I have missed you. Category is coworkers for this round. In addition to your roast, I want you to tell me what the colicky coworker is going to get for Secret Santa. Let's start with you, Heath. What should Natalie get for her co-worker, James? Okay, well, apparently Natalie and James are both substance use counselors. And James took a prank war in that office environment way too far

and ended up locking another counselor out of their office in such a way that the building engineer had to break in through the ceiling to get it back open. What? So they could, you know, help with substance use. So as a secret Santa gift, James is very clearly getting some kind of of the month club, like a food club, and everything is going to be laced with slightly increasing amounts of heroin. I feel like that's the only reason. Well, they're good at that point.

You brought this on yourself. And Eli, what should Megan lay on her company president Don's desk? I mean, you're setting me up to say a dumb. I am. But I think if someone did that to Don, we might have a which clone do I shoot situation. Anyone walked in. This dude sends weekly inspiration

emails to his staff with stuff like racial slurs and opinions on who they should vote for. Jesus Christ. A gun with two bullets and upper decker is toilet. The rest will work out in payroll, Megan. Okay, Noah. What rest will work out in payroll, Megan.

Okay, Noah, what should the white elephant leave less, a.k.a. Paco, with? Well, a roast from the knowledge fight, guys, apparently. But barring that, I guess I'll have to do. But how about giving him a goddamn set of pruning shears to wrangle that god-awful beard? It looks like he fell face first into a vat of fiberglass and they had to make a few compromises to get him out alive.

And yes, he does have a lot of DUIs, but to be fair, if you were stuck in a car with that asshole as often as he is, you would drink your way through it too. All right. Cecil, what is a co-workerworker if not a guinea pig owner um what should shitty guinea pig owners get for christmas no that's not a co-worker man i'd say you you picked the category man i didn't all right that's fair okay uh what should uh you should get for shitty guinea pig owners a very small box i'm kidding okay okay it's a very small box

with the wrong type of wood chips and hamster food and and if christopher wrapped it for you it's probably also an ied so yeah and tom let's finish off this spikening round for some ire that only you can deliver for tim's ex coworker, Joel. All right. Joel is a Jesus freak, anti-choice pro gun lunatic. So for secret Santa, I actually want to get him one of those singing Billy bass fish that like sing yells at you every time you walk by it. Only the fish is an aborted fetus.

And the song is happy by faith. Oh, the song, Joel's wife leaves him. I do like that. Brilliant. That's a merch idea. We would make so much fucking money on this.

We should do that. 100%. Alright, we're back into the thick of it. This time, a round of special requests. Eli Nicholas would like you to roast dads who abandon their kiddis sorry you misspelled kids i did yes we'd like you to roast dads who abandon their kids it's a four-letter word four yeah k-I-D-A. It's really three. You get the S for three. Is there a K-D word in the English language?

K-D. It starts with K-I or K-I-D-A-C-E-M? No, it's K-I-D-A-C-E-M. It's just K-I-D-A-C-E-M with an S. It's all you, Eli. It's your turn. Thank you, Cecil. We all have different strengths.

Hey, Dad to a Ben and their kids. If you don't mind briefly looking up from that 19-year-old you're messaging on Tinder for a moment, I would love your attention. You blew being a human. I know you're not supposed to say that. Different strokes, different folks. But you and I, we actually both know that you had the meaning of life in your hands, and then you let it get away.

For what? Some some strange more free time i hope it was worth it because i got news dads who abandon their kids good dads get vacations too dads get adventures and night out with friends and laughing till tears run down your face but then after those things happen albeit more rarely we get to go home to our families, houses filled with people who love us. So we attack on Heath. We fall asleep at night to the sound. You have never abandoned a child, Heath.

In anything. Give him time. Give him time. You take them. Give him time. We fall asleep at night to the sound of our wives' gentle breathing. But not you. You fall asleep to the sound of your own heartbeat, right?

Just counting down the second till your meaningless existence is over. The two deaths, in your case, simultaneous. There in the dark, staring at the ceiling, you just listen to the clock tick down. Ba-bum, ba-bum, tick-tock. It's tick-tock. Give God a War a try.

It's fun. It's a lot of fun. It's a 40-hour game. Kill some time. Heath, Lisa wants you to roast people who have positions on their kids' sports association. Oh, this is a fantastic request. Fantastic. Great job, Lisa.

So, hey, sports parents, bring it in. Take a knee real quick. Your kids are shitty. You think they're good at stuff, but they're not. They're just not. You're probably thinking right now. Okay.

But some kids are good at sports and good at things. And my kid shut the fuck up. No, they're not. No, they're not. And if they are, you don't need to buy a building with your last name on it at the little league

field. Like you're a legacy at UPenn. That's not how it works. But again, no, they're not. They're not good. You're all Fred Trump and you're making your kid into a sociopath. Stop it. Or just let him not play sports.

Maybe they're not good at sports and they want to do something else. Let him do anything else. Fuck. Okay, Cecil, you're up next. anything else. Fuck. Okay. Cecil,

you're up next. Dustin and Ken would like a roast of themselves as a couple by anyone but Tom because of course they're cowards. And you are,

Cecil, not Tom, but you can still make them regret this whole decision if you want to. So that's nice. It's nice. Yeah.

Thanks. Thanks for fucking picking me out of no, we're only going to pick somebody who's not Tom. Thanks. I scroll had it. It's nice. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for fucking picking me out of... No, we're only going to pick somebody who's not Tom. Thanks. I scroll through this whole fucking list of all these fucking roasts. Not a single Cecil request. Everybody's like, oh, give me Heath. Oh,

give me Tom. I want him to sit on the dock and need an editor. It's like, what the fuck, man? Nobody picks me. No, it's fucking fine. It's fine. Some people like a ballasty roast, Cecil. I'm not. No, I know.

I professionally, so. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. No, it's fine. It's fine. All right, Dustin and Ken. I mean, to be fair, this is the second one in a row that doesn't want me. So it's coming around full circle.

All right, Dustin and Ken. I like that in your explanation, you have to go out of your way to tell us that you like cheese motherfucker you're from wisconsin you're practically sentient cheese get the fuck out of here but seriously you're good looking gay couple you're you know like your wisconsin sports teams are better than illinois and chicago sports team and have been better for years now what the hell am am I going to rip you about? What can I possibly rip on you about? Ron fucking Johnson.

Ron Johnson. Three times you elected Ron fucking Johnson. You elected Scott Walker, Paul Ryan, for God's sake. It's like 20 years in the fucking Congress. Now go lay down or I'm going to roll up a proper legislator and hit you in the nose with it. Robert LaFollette should come back to life and kill

you. All of you. Alright, Noah. Jennifer would like a roast of the Reverend Woody Woodward. What the fuck is happening? Is that a cartoon? Is that a claymation character? Please say that's a claymation character. He may

very well be. I saw his picture. He could be a claymation character. So I'm not making, I'm not putting my nickel down there. Yeah, this miserable piece of shit used his allotted time at the funeral of a friend of theirs who died from suicide to rail against the dangers of antidepressants.

What? He told a whole funeral full of people that you can cure depression with nothing but exercise and vitamin D. And Jesus, of course. You need Jesus and vitamin D. Both sons, apparently.

And he looks as if fucking Rick Perry fucked the creepy old guy from poltergeist too. Yeah. That's really accurate. He looks like if constipation could smile, basically.

So good. And Tom, Dan would like a roast on behalf of his girlfriend, Rachel, who could really use a roast of her sister's boyfriend, Dave. All right. Yeah, guys, here's the thing. The story behind this roast was 1200 plus words, 1252 words, but most of that was not necessary. You might think the story for all that length might be complicated, but nothing about Dave is complicated. Dave is a fucking failure. That is

the whole story. He's a failure of a man and a failure as a father. He's a failure in every way that a good or even decent person can fail. Seriously, here, Dan, Rachel, let's play a game. All right. Hold up one finger for each of the ways Dave has been successful. Provider for his children, caring partner, grateful guest, man of class or grace or dignity. How many fingers you got up, Dan, Rachel, none? Yeah, these are not high bar fingers, guys. Dave is nothing. He is a parade balloon of hot flatulence masquerading as a man.

The sooner you and your family stop treating him like he's people, the better off you will be. He is not people. He's just a guy who hasn't reached the zenith of his final form. Choked to death on his own vomit in a cheap hotel that he will die owing three days rent for.

See, if you had an editor, you would just leave the parade balloon a hot flask. You would just do that. That would be the whole point. I like that they don't find him for three days. And then you'd be done 30 minutes early, Tom. I like to wind into it, Cecil.

It's fine. It's fine. I know you like to take your time. All right. Before we close things out for the night, let's take care of some high money donors. These moneyed folk tossed us the big bucks for a roast from the whole gang so let's get to it stormy decisis had a fantastic challenge here they donated one thousand and ten dollars and they would like heath to both choose and roast the worst congressperson thus having to make a choice okay

i see what you're doing and and while i definitely want heath to that, I also want all of us to give it a try. So I'm going to go first. Louie Gohmert leaves office in January spreading hundreds more conspiracy theories than he passed laws. He passed one law. One in 17 years. He's like if a professional podcaster were a congressman.

He's like evil Bernie Sanders, kind of. podcaster were a congressman. It's like evil Bernie Sanders, kind of. You know, as much as I despise the entire troll party collective taking over the house, at this moment, I would have to pick Matt Gaetz. Matt Gaetz is basically as if the 4chan

manosphere was Frankensteined into being and then immediately fell into the chamber from the fly along with a can of Axe Body Spray. I'm going to take the easy one and I'm gonna go with marjorie taylor green oh you bastard not just because she's an idiot and a conspiracy theorist but because and people don't remember this enough she specifically tried to pick a fight with a colleague across the hallways trans daughter like yep i know politics has gone to hell but i think that's just an emblematic moment of who she will be in history right a bigot with a meaningless sign

hoping only to hurt a child oh and bonus she's so bad in bed a tantric sex guru was like yeah that one was what we call a gimme. That, uh... All right. And with all the hope in the world that I'm dating this record, I'm going to go with Lauren Boebert, a woman who, despite being married to a guy who exposed himself to teenage girls in a fucking bowling alley, has the relationship lead in terms of endangering kids with thoughtless dick moves.

God, all of those guns and all that stupidity and you can't once accidentally shoot yourself in the fucking head, woman. Jesus. Oh, it would be so, that's all I want for Christmas. Right? And the only non-racist thought that Lauren Boebert has ever had was have an awesome summer.

All right. Ah, it's so hard. I want to say Ted Cruz. That hasn't been mentioned yet. I wanted to say the ones you already said. That's. Fuck. Stormy's the size.

I know what you're doing. I see what you're doing. Fine. No, I'm doing it. I have a pick. I'm going with Ivy League populist whatever the fuck that means. Because fuck you. That's

nonsense. He's exactly smart enough to know exactly how evil he is. And he looks like he always just now noticed that his upper lip still smells like pee despite a bunch of washing. I don't know how his face does that,

but that's what he looks like. And you know what? That's what you get for being Donald Trump's fluffer. That's what you get. You should have expected that. All that being said, I still watch him running away from his own pitchfork mob several times a day. So good.

He's like a racist cat getting surprised by a black pickle right behind him that he didn't know was there. I love watching him run away in terror. All right. Next up, Kube Bucky would like us all to go after Christine Drazen, who very nearly became Oregon's governor last week. All right. I'll start. You know, I admire Oregon for its liberal stance on euthanasia. Oh, and Christine, that law's for everyone. You don't even need a disease. They have to lay it.

If the shop, if the shopkeeper from needful things gave someone a gubernatorial campaign, it would have been Christine. Okay. Yeah. She's terrible, but she failed in such a fun way last year that I think it's worth it for me. And she failed again this year in the election. When she was minority leader in the Oregon Statehouse, she left the state with a bunch of her GOP colleagues to stop Democrats from doing anything by denying a quorum. doing anything by denying a quorum. So in order to stop those delaying tactics, Democrat Speaker Tina Kotak agreed to let three Republicans be on the committee to redraw the district map along with three Democrats. It was tied. So it was like right after the 2020 census, she was like, I'll give you half of this if you stop doing the quorum denial. So Christine Drazen agreed to that deal and came back to the state with her fugitive quorum deniers. But this is my favorite part. As soon as they showed up at the state house,

Tina Kotek was like, wow, you're fucking dumb. No, I was lying to you. It's so obvious. We're going to take votes on all the stuff we want because we have a quorum now. And you know what? You can't help with the district mapping either. Go fuck yourself. And again, draws in lost in the election this year too. Gotta love bad people losing. Such good stuff. For someone who hates minorities that much, she ends up being one an awful lot.

Right? She looks like a real estate agent that specializes in houses where beauty pageant children took their own lives. Jesus Christ. She can really move those. Oh, and her homophobic ass has to forever endure the knowledge that in her one

chance at the national spotlight, she finished beneath a lesbian. She wishes this next one is supposed to be for Tom, but I think we all like a shot. Betta and Robin would like us to roast HR departments and specifically the recently retired head of HR, Mary. So I'll go first. I would roast you,

but we're out of the open enrollment period, which only lasts one hour when you turn your clock back each year. So sorry, can't do it. That's fantastic. Set an alarm next year. So here's the little secret about HR. They are not there to help you.

They are there to protect management from you. That's it. That's why management hired them. You didn't hire them. You don't give them pay raises. Management does. Every interaction I've ever had with hr in the real world has been so utterly worthless and devoid of value i stopped even pretending they serve a

function beyond publishing the yearly time off calendar hr is the internal affairs of the corporate world great idea in theory and textbooks but there's just nothing there there. And there's a pretty good clue right in the title. Human resources. That's terrifying. Human resources. Sounds like Skynet telling its robot generals about a battle plan over a risk. We'll need to pillage and plunder the meat bags over here,

here and here. Human resources shall be gained. That's terrifying. So good. If you need better treatment in the workplace, you need a year. Here, here. That's what you need. Oh, you don't have one?

Okay, great. Now we've identified the problem. We need more fucking unions. Jesus. If there was a just afterlife, HR people would spend eternity eating cold pizza in the break room while some fucking angel told him about how studies actually show that this is a better motivator than heaven but since there is no justice and there is no afterlife hr departments still have a monopoly

in putting people through hell yeah uh mary's hair looks like a mid-level boss's elven helmet it was so silly if mary walks into your salon i would be less worried about like what i was gonna do and more of like do i have a phoenix down and a healing i dodge her big attack and then i roll to the right exactly right it's roll to the right. Right, exactly. It's always to the right. All right. Here's one that, well, everyone except Eli has experience with. Kenny and Kyle's app company donated a thousand bucks for us to roast parents

who refuse to help their kids because they think it'll toughen them up. Ugh. All right. Not helping your kids to toughen them up is like reading a book on the failures of Reaganomics and then saying to yourself, yeah, but I bet it would work as a parenting philosophy.

Trickle down beatings. Baby bootstraps. Hey, parents who hope to toughen up their kids by not helping them you did it your kids are tough now i mean mentally ill sure but tough sad untrusting devoid of the initial experience of support and love that makes up the beginning of the human experience but they're tough and you're gonna see that you're gonna know just how tough they are when you are begging them not to put you in a home in a couple of years. Real tough as nails kids you got there. Okay. Personal attack on

Heath again. That's fine. I just think it seems like parents can do both of those things. I feel like good parenting involves making your kids tough by helping, not by not helping. Like, okay, for example, when there's a toothpick hidden inside your breakfast

when you're a kid, that's how you learn. And that's how you grow. That's how you learn about the real world. The real world is toothpicks in your English muffin that you don't know about, but you find it. If your parents just refuse to help with anything, you learn nothing. Okay. But seriously, fuck parents who like can't do that woke new math that they're mad about and then

they pretend they're doing a teachable moment by not teaching anything at all no you're a liar you couldn't do the old math either you're just not good at be better or get outside help get a tutor fucking help them your kids are half you they'll need to overcome that somehow that's your job well and so and here's the thing though other than heath we all see through it right it's it's not a philosophy it's a justification you're treating your kids with callousness and cruelty because you yourself are callous and cruel you'll try to forgive yourself by saying you're just getting them ready for the real world and the real world is callous and cruel but that's bullshit okay the real world is also mostly covered in water that is an excuse to drown your fucking kids right you're supposed

to be one of the islands of compassion that protects your kids from the cruel world and if you can't manage that it's not it's the fucking world that should be blaming you. Not the other way around. Except for the toothpicks thing. That's good. That is good for you. Yeah. You're allowed to do that.

Finally, let's close things out with a roast of our choice by Elon who donated a thousand bucks for us to roast whomever we want. Uh, I'm going to choose Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro looks like he fucked his hand so much. His wrist developed a clitoris and, and he still can't please it. I'm going to choose Ben Shapiro. Ben Shapiro looks like he fucked his hand so much, his wrist developed a clitoris.

And he still can't please it. A very dry clitoris. All right, I'm going to toss out an unpopular opinion here as the guy who wrote the Skeptic's Creed, but I absolutely am starting to get the appeal now of the Cairo Quacks and the Reiki Nuts and the Crystal Shamans. Because as good as modern medicine is as a science, it has become absolute shit at even pretending to give a shit about people.

The compassion and curiosity and the drive to help has been absolutely bled dry from medicine. The entire machine completely divorces the patient from their humanity, strips everyone of dignity and context, and has instead become a medicalized diner, turning exam rooms as quick as tables to make the next buck the entire profession of medicine as practiced is a horror show it is a damnation of cruelties and indifference the best that science can offer is not on display or available the entire system now consumed by quick fixes to move one patient out and another

in with no investment whatsoever in the outcome for the human beings pressed beneath the limitless weight of a crushing meandering disregard. And with all the sincerity of my heart, my greatest dream would be to dance on the ashes of every last publicly traded corporate medical group and pick my teeth with the bones of their creators. Jesus Christ. All right. That was heartfelt. Anything I want. I got to pick anything. Yeah, no, it's just, it's really hard to follow with something lighthearted, Tom. I was going to do fucking Sonic Frontiers. What a petty bastard. I would seem like, okay, no, I got one. I got got a good one i got a good one here um you know it it takes a special kind of loser to get beat in the same senatorial election two times uh but i'm confident that herschel walker is gonna make that happen

you are too dumb for a chamber that readily accepts r Johnson. You have more illegitimate kids than IQ points, and your stupidity isn't your most disqualifying trait. But, Herschel, and I'll say in advance that I can actually reinforce this point with pictures if, you know, just words is too thinky for you. But, Herschel, you can't always, the if-thens don't always go both ways. All tigers are cats.

Doesn't mean all cats are tigers. Just the fact that you're a bastard doesn't make you a cop. No, it doesn't. I lost him like four sentences ago. Yeah, probably. So good. I've been known to use my wild card choices

for some controversial picks in the past, I'll admit it. But I think this is one we can all get behind. I'm talking, of course, about Snyder's hot buffalo-flavored pretzel pieces. Oh, sure. Sure, they're delicious. In there.

Slightly larger than a snack, slightly smaller than a family-sized bag. But the consequences! Snyder's hot buffalo-flavored pretzel pieces. The consequences of you. Civil war soldiers dying of dysentery. Thank whatever gods they had not to be in my position. After I consume you, are you made of literal poison?

If so, is there a dosage that will just fucking kill me without the torment? that will just fucking kill me without the torment. Because the experience of expelling your delicious, crunchy morsels, I must imagine, is literally identical to pressing one directly into an open hemorrhoid. And like all abusers, you just won't let me go, will you? On sale at the supermarket, in an untouched bowl at a party because of course everybody at the party knows better

except for me, Snyder's hot buffalo flavored pretzel pieces. I wish I could quit you, but I know I never will. Okay, I get to pick anything I want? Anything I want. Anything you want. Okay, anything you want.

All right, you know what? Dealer's choice. No, I've got an idea. This is a tough one for me, though, like, to even talk about it. I really, I think about this every day. Like, every day. Eli wipes back to front.

Back to front! Like a war criminal. Are you serious? Science says. Science is the opposite. Nope. Is this a whole pretzel piece on here? What is happening? Makes it so much worse than the pretzel pieces.

Alright. That's enough for today everybody. We ended on a big high note. Thank you so much for donating to Vulgarity for Charity. There's still time to keep donating, folks, in a couple more days. Please, please, please keep donating. And guys, thank you so much for joining us today. I know that your schedules are so busy,

and you guys love to talk about pretzel poop, and we interrupted that. So thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having us. So we'd like to thank our patrons. Of course, we'd like to thank all our patrons. We'd like to thank our newest patrons. Jerry, Pekka, Jason, Mr. Crowley, Mary, Johnny,

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One of the first people we ever met. Yeah, we were at TAM. We met Simone. Is she the one that brought the little koala bears? It was either her or there's another lady. I believe her name was Lindsay who was also there. I know they were. It was like Simone and Lindsaysey and i don't remember which one brought the call because if it's not i'll be like a shit yeah but we only met him the one time but they were

wonderful we hung out the whole weekend hung out the whole weekend it was they were great it was great to hang out with people from down under going to tam the first time we had a blast so that was so much fun um but yeah uh the people remember, it's kind of funny. So anyway, so we want to thank everybody for donating. Of course, we pay two salaries with it. So thank you so much for being generous with us and for becoming a patron. And remember, you can become a patron on a per episode basis.

If you like the show, we're going to be doing our book club recording very soon. So book club for this month, we're going to be doing is white fragility. Uh, we're going to be reading it and posting it this November. So you could still get in on it. If you want to hear our review and our, our discussion about white fragility, which will be probably posting, um, maybe a little after Thanksgiving next week. So we want to talk a little bit about some of the email we got. We got Steve who sent us a

bunch of messages and Steve is sending bourbon to us. This is awesome. If you watch us on the live stream, you can see us. He sends little bottles of his bourbon that he sends to us that he like.

And they're wonderful. These really wonderful bourbons are like corner case, awesome batch bourbons and he sends them to us and we try one on the air and it's always fun.

So, so Steve, thank you for doing that. We appreciate it. He's lovely guy. And so if you want to see us drinking them, go check out the live streams we got a message uh and this uh is from a patron who said dave for trell is the expert on the manosphere and he'd be open and

he'd probably be open to an interview so we're gonna look to see if we can hunt this sounds good yeah and see if we can get them on the show because we'd love to talk about the manosphere more it gets so many people angry and we love it well i love the butthurtiness i love when people get so mad about it super great um we got a image from stone banana of james inhofe we're gonna post that this week we also got an image too and this is from alex and he drew an image of an elongator elon musk is at this point, absolutely a fuck up. There was a great line that I saw this week, Tom, where somebody said, if you can be a CEO of multiple companies, it's not a real job. Thank you. And I was just like, yeah, you're absolutely right. He's the CEO currently of like three companies and he's a fuck up and it's not a real job. Look, you can't be a fucking

full-time barista at three Starbucks. No, no, you don't have that many hours in a week. You don't have, you don't, you just don't. I love that he bought Twitter for $44 billion, but to do so, he had to leverage his Tesla stock so badly that he spent over $100 billion of his wealth. Yeah, because he can't just sell it without causing the stock price to drop. That's right, yeah.

So the total value of that purchase actually cut, so he didn't spend $44 billion. He spent over $100 billion in total net worth loss. Good. Who cares? Good. He's such a shit too. And it's like having the worst micromanager in history buy.

Oh, I know. Because he's just such a shit about it. He's horrible. He's the worst. And they fired like half the staff. He's the worst. I don't understand how anybody would want to work for that guy. He's such a piece of shit.

And he's such an eighth grader. He is. That's exactly, that's exactly what he is. And you know, he's CEO of three companies, but he's bought his way into CEO of all three. Yeah.

He's never organically become the CEO. He just purchased his way in. Yeah, man. Yeah. It's, it's a, it's such a disaster.

He's such a shitty person. So we're going to thank, uh, thank you to Keith, Eli, and Noah for it's a, it's such a disaster. He's such a shitty person. So we want to thank Heath, Eli, and Noah for joining us on for Vulgarity for Charity this week. It's always blast. And check us out on their show. We were on Scathing Atheist this last week and we did our first episode of Vulgarity for Charity there. So go check it out.

We want to thank them for coming out. You can check out their stuff. All you got to do is Google Scathing Atheist or God awful movies. You'll be able to find anything that they do. So that is going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to record a little early next week because it's Thanksgiving. We won't have a stream next Thursday, Thanksgiving.

So we will not have a stream, but we'll be back the following week. So come check us out. But we're going to record a little early next week. So we might not do patrons but we definitely and we probably won't do email um but we'll do it in a couple weeks and you can come catch us on stream in a couple weeks uh but until then we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing, water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch, late night info docutainment.

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