Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 66: Barely a Child Rapist

Episode Date: September 23, 2012

Clips: Allahu Akbar, The Simpsons, Rick Perry vs. Keyboard Cat, Horoscope Song (Sagittarius) 

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app! Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Be advised that the following show contains subject matter you may find objectionable. If you think that the Pope, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps, Muhammad, or Mel Gibson had some pretty good ideas, then please, go fuck yourselves. If you believe in Bigfoot, alien abductions, Chupacabra, the Loch Ness Monster,

that the Earth is 6,000 years old, that Elvis is still alive, the theory of intelligent design and irreducible complexity, that if Obama is elected we'll experience a thousand years of darkness, or that allowing gays to marry will destroy the fabric of American culture, then may we suggest you go listen to This Old House, or perhaps the ultimate bass fishing radio. And if you're Kirk Cameron, just go to hell, Kirk. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance.

Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. But there is a new intro line to the show. That was nice of Ryan to create. We're glad to use it for this episode of the show.

We're happy that he created it. Since he put on it, it was supposed to be a disclaimer since he put on it, the following program we figured we should probably put it at the beginning instead of, you know, at the end so people aren't fucking sitting there waiting for something to happen at the end of the show. There's going to be a second show after the show. They would be just fucking desperately

hitting this stop button, spiking their iPods on the ground. One is enough. One is plenty for an entire week. That is not for me they would say. But we do thank you. Thanks for recording the disclaimer that is not a disclaimer, that is an intro, which you just heard. Allahu Akbar.

Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar. So Cecil, the first story that we're going to cover is actually from freethoughtblogs.com. This is a report regarding child marriage in Britain. There was a sting operation, a recent undercover operation, by the Sunday Times that found imams in Britain willing to marry young girls as young as five.

As young as five years old. As long as they did it in secret. And in evil. You know, look, what's the big deal about marrying a five-year-old? I mean, come on. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing, Tom. All the non-child fuckers out there are all like so hoity-toity. Look at me. I'm not a child fucker. Oh, look at me. Well, you know what? Here's the thing. It all comes down to consent, okay?

And I can ask a child if they want to go to the park and they can consent to that. I can ask them if they want ice cream and they can consent to that. Right. Why can't they consent to a fucking. Right. Did you like I don't see any reason why they can't enlist actually. Yeah. I mean if we're going to have child brides, we just made a little child soldiers.

Fucking A, man. Look, Columbia has been doing that for years. And look at how it's working out for them. A little full on fucking Liberia on this shit. Oh, yeah. Child soldiers are the best. And they're tender, too. You know what I mean?

Tender and delicious. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. We've gone to a dark place. Yeah. It does say from the article, quote, under Sharia Islamic law, there is no problem. It is said she should see her first sign of puberty at the house of her husband. Well, some people, Tom, don't like to wait to see grass on the field before they play ball.

Oh, geez. They like playing in the sandlot, so they're good. That's just a fucking horror show. Yeah. What parent is like, oh, man, I got to marry this girl off. She's becoming kind of an old maid. These kindergartners, you know, I just can't keep feeding all of them. Yeah.

And you notice, I mean, look at exactly what this is. It's girls, right? They're not fucking marrying off their young boys at five years old. No, of course not. No, it's fucking young girls. Again, you know, this is the misogyny that fucking breeds with this religion when you follow Sharia law. that you would follow this Bronze Age text to the letter and say, you know what? Even if the girl fucking achieves puberty at her husband's house, that's fucking totally cool.

Right. That's just fucking filthy is what it is. There's no problem? Right. What do you mean there's no problem? You know what I mean? Like, that's what they're saying? No problem?

Fucking the problem is you're fucking a 13-year-old. There's the problem. It's a problem for half the people in the equation. Exactly, right? And let's be honest. I mean, like, this is set up so that only half the people within the society count. So, you know, to some degree, the guy is right, you know, right? What's the problem?

Women aren't people, so there's no people that were harmed in the making of these laws sure you know so it's it you know there really is and you know this thing goes on this article goes on it makes a very good point it says you know these all this sharia law the sharia courts the whole fucking farce of that nonsense you know you've got these communities and and and we see we have this in the States. I'm sure this is true of any culture which has an immigrant culture to it. You know, when you have a population of immigrants, they obviously they cluster together for obvious reasons. And to some degree, they can not only be exploited by the outside, but they self-exploit. Because they're so insulated oftentimes, not always, but because they're so oftentimes insulated, members of that tight-knit community will exploit other members within that community. And the people who have this idea that these Sharia courts are legally binding

and that these Sharia law is a real thing that needs to be followed in Britain. You know, these are people with little or no English language skills. They have very little access to resources. They have very little access to the same, you know, processes that protect other people within that same society because they live in a community within a community and they don't have any ability to access the resources outside of that community. And so they're ripe for fucking victimization. They're more ripe for victimization, um, in, uh, an immigrant community than they probably would be even back home. You know, you also have a culture where that, where they try to make sure that women stay out of school.

I mean, look at how often that happens in all those different Muslim countries, especially in Afghanistan where they're trying to stop women from learning. That's got to carry over too. Oh, absolutely. So you're keeping them away from education. You're keeping them away from experiencing society as somebody who is a person

rather than a property. Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole? It's Jesus. So the story is from skepticmoney.com must be 14 to enter

catholic church rules abuse is not a crime not a serious crime if the victim is 14 or older it turns out that the roman catholic church has decided that 14 is the age of consent you get your own age of consent

if you're a priest that you just decide on for who you're fucking. Never mind the law of the land. You just decide on your own age of consent. Sure, yeah. Well, you know, it's better than Sharia law, five years old, I guess. You know, they've more than doubled that age. So, you know, I mean, you're almost tripling that age, Tom. That's, you know, that's a step forward, I think. It's actually restrictive. You know, I mean, come on. This is pretty conservative. Yeah. Good grief. You can't have any fun in the Catholic Church. You gotta wait till they're 14. Jeez. I mean, Cecil, that's like, that's an eighth grader or ninth

grader. I mean, you can't – it's like barely a child rapist. Like you're barely there. Barely a child rapist. You can't go to the pedophile convention. You know what I mean? They're just like, no, you didn't rape any children this year. NAMBLA is like barely – NAMBLA is considering whether or not to like evoke your creepy card. Yeah, they're going to pull your card.

It's like you're not quite creepy enough. You're fringing on the almost legitimate here just a few years. Give me a break, 14 years old. Well, and then the idea is that this is another one of those fucking rubber band priesthoods, right? Where it's like, you know, we're going to pull him out. We're putting him back in. We're pulling him out.

We're going to put him back in. Look, he's not a fucking designated hitter, asshole. He's a fucking abuser. He's a guy who fucking, you know, diddled kids. He needs to be fucking ejected from your order, not fucking thrown somewhere as a fucking janitor for a couple of years and then comes back to fucking diddle more kids. You know, police your own organization so you don't have to have an organization like Snap to fucking do it for you. What is so hard about having a zero tolerance policy for this stuff? I don't know, man.

Just lay down the law and be like, hey, first of all, you guys are supposed to be fucking nobody at all. You're not supposed to be having sex with anybody. You're supposed to be having sex with anybody. You're supposed to be married to fucking Jesus or whatever. Well, no, because that would be a gay marriage. Well, okay. You're supposed to just be like having like a bromance with Jesus. Bromance? You're having a bromance with Jesus?

Oh, man. But you're not supposed to have sex with anybody. Yeah. So just say like, hey, guys, listen, for real. We said no sex with anybody. We did kind of mean that. You took a vow. We'd like you to stick to it.

But if you're going to stray, can you just keep it to adults? That is not asking too much. No kidding. Like a consenting adult. You know, like how many crazy scandals, how many people are getting sued over a tryst with an adult woman or an adult guy? Right. Who gives a fuck? Nobody's going to sue you.

Nobody's going to take you to court. Nobody's going to sue you for damages because you know what? It's consensual sex then. Yeah, right. The only thing that you did was you violated your own ridiculous rules that the rest of the people outside of your organization don't care about and never did. The only reason that this is a scandal is because you keep fucking children and then coming up with excuses for it like, well, we decided they weren't kids. Well, like everybody else has decided that they are. Like, you're just, like, you don't get to just say,

like, imagine if there was any other crime, right? Imagine if they said, like, you know, well, priests can steal your wallet because wallets can't belong to people. Like, what? That's not true. We've decided that wallets do belong to people. Well, it's not a serious

crime. That's what they say here. It's not a serious crime. It's not a serious crime because it's just a wallet. What? It's not a serious crime because they're the adults committing the offense. Exactly. You know what I mean? They're never the fucking victims of that offense. Right.

You can't be a priest when you're fucking 14 years old. You can't consent to be a priest when you're 14. What old. You can't consent to be a priest when you're 14. What makes you think you should consent to sexual activity? With a priest. Oh, gosh. So you can't enter the priesthood, but the priesthood can enter you. Oh, no.

You're all dead. Oh, be nice. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay. Oh, my God. Oh, my son doesn't stand a chance. The whole world's gone gay. Oh, my God. What's happening now? We work hard. We play hard.

Cecil, this next story is from WindyCityTimes.com. Also, kind of everywhere. Chick-fil-A maybe is ceasing anti-gay donations. Might be. Possibly. Could be. Yeah, this is a story with maybe no story to it. It's been reported kind of all over the place that Chick-fil-A has kind of done a turnaround.

That there was a letter that was sent to a Chicago alderman that said, nah, we were just kidding. But nobody's really seen that letter, and there hasn't been an official statement that matches that from Chick-fil-A. So, so far, I'm not eating at Chick-fil-A. Yeah, and this is something I definitely want to stress, too, is because it's easy to go out and show support for somebody like all those dimwits who stood out fucking all night to show support for bigotry, right? All those idiots who were like, support Chick-fil-A today, and they went out and bought all this fucking food. Well, it's also – we could certainly do that to show them, hey, thanks for coming around to the fucking logical side of the things. We're happy you did that. Let me buy one of your chicken sandwiches.

But if they haven't changed their mind yet and they're still not issuing a full statement that says, we reject those policies, we're only going to give fucking money to the homeless, and we're only going to give money to a couple other things. We're going to stay out of marriage or gay marriage activism. Then cool. You know what I mean? Like go fucking eat a Chick-fil-A sandwich if that's the thing you want to do. But if this is still important to you and you didn't eat a Chick-fil-A because of this, maybe you should keep not eating there until they clarify their policy. Yeah, I'm going to definitely not go there.

I will. And the thing is if they change their policy, I will go out going to definitely not go there. I will. And the thing is, if they change their policy, I will go out of my way to eat a chicken. Yeah, I would too. I'd have to. There's not anyone near me. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I would have to go out of my way too.

But, you know, the fact of the matter is, is that I would support, I will show my support for them once they renounce that policy. Not just say, you know, some half-hearted, response that some people say hasn't even changed at all because Washington Post today was reporting that nothing has changed. Other people are reporting that some things have changed. So I just want a clarification of policy.

That's all I want. Yeah, absolutely. And it's got to be something more than, well, we just – we wanted to make sure that we would be able to open up a Chick-fil-A in Chicago. So although our minds haven't been changed, you know, we just want to make sure that we make a buck. You know, if it's that cynical, then get fucked. So we're going to take a break and give you all the information that you need to find us on Facebook, on Twitter. Send us email and voicemail, and we'll return in just a moment for the rest of the show. Want to contact Cognitive Dissonance?

Visit them on Facebook. You can find the link at the website dissonancepod.com or type it in the Facebook search bar. Be sure to follow the guys on Twitter. Their handle is at dissonance underscore pod. The guys also post to Google Plus now too, so check them out there.

And if you'd like to email them, you can do so at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. You can also leave a comment on the blog at their webpage or give them a call at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Long distance rates apply. And to everyone who listens, shares, retweets, or rates the show, Cognitive Dissonance would like to cordially thank you for all of your fucking support. See, so this next story is from the news source of all news sources. The greatest news source, Fox News. Fox News. Fox News. Pastors pledge to defy IRS, preach politics from pulpit ahead of election.

More than 1,000 pastors are planning to challenge the IRS by deliberately preaching politics ahead of the presidential election, despite a federal ban on endorsements from the pulpit. Now, here in the States, it is you lose your tax-exempt status if you are a religious organization that preaches politics. If you engage in politicking, then you can't be tax-exempt any longer. And these idiots are trying to push the hand of the IRS, generally not a good idea. Yeah, no kidding, right? And force this into court so they can try to have this law overturned.

Yeah, you know, like every person in the United States fills out their form, you know, their fucking tax forms every year hoping they don't get audited. These are the only idiots that hope they get audited. You know what I mean? Like these are the idiots out there that fucking, you know, expensed every lunch and didn't save the receipts. Exactly. What a dumb fuck. But this guy says at the end of the article, one of these dumb fucks is, um, his name is Garlo. He says, if I would have said 50 years ago that tearing up a baby in the womb is a bad thing, people would have said, of course it is. But if I said that today, people would say, pastor, you're being too political.

This dumb fuck doesn't understand the law. No, he can say that. Yeah, I can say it's not OK to get an abortion. He can say it's not OK to be married and be gay, you know, to have a gay marriage. He can say that right now. He just can't say Obama's for abortion. You can't vote for Obama or you shouldn't vote for Obama. I found a article that talks about this. And it says from this article, it says, in short, 501C3 organizations, which is a nonprofit organization, may take sides with respect to political issues, but not political candidates. Since candidates commonly array themselves on opposite sides of issues, there are obvious difficulties at times in distinguishing between actions that support an issue, but not a particular candidate. Yeah, you can run into some muddy waters, but I guarantee, I guarantee they wouldn't come down on you if you were like, you know, you shouldn't get an abortion.

And also, if there's a candidate out there that you want to vote for, maybe you should vote for them if they are for, you know, for, I don't even want to say pro-life because it's fucking bullshit for no abortion, you know. So that's the fucking law, dummy. Learn the law. You know, you can already fucking do most of the things you want to do. Well, and why should they be tax exempt in the first place? Well, that's another fucking thing, right? You know, they're talking about how it's blatantly unconstitutional to have these vague standards and regulations and enforce it through a system of intimidation. They're not enforcing anything through a system of intimidation.

They're not enforcing anything through a system of intimidation. You get a privilege you don't fucking deserve that you didn't earn because you have a privileged place in our society for no fucking reason. And yes, you have to do some things in order to earn that privilege. I don't think you have to do a hell of a lot. You have to just not do terrible shit. You just have to not do the shit we said don't do. It's like you don't have to pay any taxes. Okay, why? I don't know, religion, whatever.

Fucking who cares? Oh, that's a pretty good deal. Yeah, I think so too. What do I need to not do? Well, just don't endorse a candidate. Can I still talk about politics? Fuck yeah. Oh, okay.

How is that a restraint? You get something nobody else gets? I pay fucking taxes? Yeah. You pay taxes? Fucking A. Here's the other thing, Tom. You know those fucking assholes who live in the fucking glass mansions

and they got all the fucking cars and shit? Fucking, you telling me you're a non-profit organization, you fucking assholes? You're driving, you're living larger than anyone I know. Anyone I know. I'm a for profit individual. You're a pro for profit individual. Those fuckers. What are they? You're telling me that fucking, you know, the limos in the budget, that the fucking chauffeurs in the budget, that the fucking 30 room mansion is in the budget. Oh, I'm not looking to fucking, you know, look, I'm not making, I'm not looking to make a profit. I'm looking to spend all this money. Exactly. Right. You know, it's, it's, well, this is a transportation expense. Oh yeah. That Bugatti Varon, you had to race over to pick up Jesus or what the fuck? No kidding. Idiots. I hope,

I hope that this causes people to really spend a few moments thinking about why we have this tax exempt status in the first place and look at how terribly it's being abused yeah you know in all the ways that you said and take these idiots that are trying to force an issue that i mean that's like that's like telling your kid that they can stay up two hours late and then they're fucking giving you a hard time so it's not three hours. It's like, motherfucker, you already got something. Yeah, yeah, totally. You get something every fucking day you didn't deserve. You know, like, I come downstairs,

oh, I only got two Christmas presents. Ugh, wine, wine, bitch, bitch. Fuckers. Cecil, I don't know if this story is true. I want it to be true. And Cecil... Be true! I don't even care if it is true. I want it to be true. And Cecil. Be true. I don't even care if it's true.

Be true. It's so funny. I command you to be true. This is from Gawker.com, and we were not able to vet this story anywhere else. It even says on the top, it says conspiracy theory. I know, but it's so fucking funny. Mitt Romney, quote, dyed his face brown.

To appeal to Latin voters. Oh, man. Oh, I'll tell you what, just looking at those two pictures, you got something there. Look at his hands compared to his face. He definitely has some oompapa Loompa face going on. He totally does.

Snooki actually called him to find out what his secret was. To appeal to Latin voters. He's coming out. He's like fucking rubbing chili peppers all over himself. He has fucking maracas. He's kind of like Cheap ass fucking maracas He should If he wants to

If he wants to appeal To Latin voters He should come out In like a fucking Like a A greenskeeper's outfit With a leaf blower You know

Like what more racist Shit could you do No kidding right He's like All of a sudden he's like Hey hey I want to appeal To Latin voters

So me and all my staffers Are going to show up In one car Oh what You offended No so me and all my staffers are going to show up in one car. Oh, what? You offended? Well, I thought I was like, what are you? Look at my face.

You are so easily swayed by color. Oh, God. Voters are stupid. I mean, that's like, what are you doing? What the fuck? I can't wait until he comes out on stage and he's blacker than Obama. It would be awesome to be blackface, but he didn't go like brown. He did like straight up fucking black. Fucking like Amos and Andy style.

He starts talking. He's like, I don't know who's going to have the White House. He doesn't debate from like a front porch. He's got a fucking, he does like a little dance. He's dancing up there. He's got his white hat. He's doing jazz hands. It's the most racist kid in the room. Oh, man.

Awesome. He's watching Bamboozled. He's like, these are some great ideas. He's debating and he's spitting watermelon seeds into his spittoon. Oh, my God. Died his face brown to appeal to Latin voters. God, dyed his face brown to appeal to Latin voters. If that is even remotely true, it would be so outrageously offensive.

Right. Like all bets are off for stereotypes then. Like he can do anything. Like he'll crash his car and be like, I was trying to appeal to Asian voters. What? He's just doing every crazy racist thing he thinks he does he just becomes like a racist stereotype just travels around america insulting groups of voters until he gets like zero percent. All of them. He offends absolutely offends. He offends the racists themselves at some point.

Oh, my God. I have no idea if this is true. I want it to be true, though. I don't believe it's true either. true. I want it to be true though. I don't believe it's true either. You know, what I think is that is that maybe his fucking makeup artist took the night off

and they just only had those colors in their palette. Maybe the makeup artist was like a heavy Obama supporter. It's like, I'm going to make him look crazy as hell. Oh, I want it to be true. We're not saying it's true.

But if you look at these two pictures, it really does look like that he looks really brown. And just his face. You know what I mean? He's so brown that you could see his eyelids look white still. He's a level of brown that nobody is brown. That's not a color found in nature. He's halfway through changing if he's a chameleon. Yeah.

Like at some point, if you could turn that brown, your fucking tongue would dart out and grab a grasshopper. And I wouldn't put that past Romney either. You know, the other thing, too, is that, you know, if he's going to come out and say that half of the United States is the entitled state, right? Why is this so far off the mark? Why wouldn't he think that if he's trying to appeal to the Latino voters, he should just do some sort of stupid ploy like this? Why wouldn't he think that? He already thinks like half the United States is freeloaders that can't think for themselves, that have low self-esteem basically. Yeah. I mean, clearly there's a level of disconnect with this guy that, I mean, it really doesn't render this impossible. It renders it very unlikely.

Yeah. Because you would think that somebody in his staff would be like, whoa, brown face? Wait, you want to do what? Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Mitt, Oh, man. The second picture, though, with him in the sombrero and the big mustache. Oh, it's so fucking funny. It's seriously one of the greatest pictures ever. That looks authentic.

And the best part is he's wearing like a fucking $45,000 suit. Right. Well, underneath it, it says he is the 1%. The 1%. It's such a bad joke. Oh, man. Oh, my God. You know, at some point, don't you think Ashton Kutcher is going to, like, break into one of Romney's ads and, like, look at the camera and be like, ah, you've been punked. There is no candidate from the Republican Party.

They didn't run anybody. Are you kidding me? Oh, man. Like, he is seriously more comedy gold than Palin, though. I mean, like, he really is funnier than Palin. Oh, yeah. He is as clueless I'm not even sure he's convinced

he's running. How do you make that kind of gaffe that he made last week? I have no idea. Where he says all kinds of crazy bullshit. I mean I guess they said it was like a lot of money for that dinner. Whatever it was. It was like $2,000 or something stupid like that. Per mean, I guess they said it was like a lot of money for that dinner, whatever it was. It was like $2,000 or something stupid like that per plate. Right. So you got to figure

you're in polite company. You know, you really got to fucking want it to fucking videotape that shit and then put that out on the internet and spend two grand to do it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, there's a dedication to your craft at that point. You're just like, oh, all right, cool. You got them. And in some states, that's like against the law. Yeah, I think in a lot of places you have to, although I don't know if that would be considered a public speech or not. Yeah.

If that's considered a public speech, then it's fine. But, yeah, a lot of places you have to have the consent of both parties to record. Yeah. But in some states, you just have to have the consent of both parties to record. Yeah. But in some states, you just have to have the consent of one party. Like Illinois, you only have to have the consent of one party to record a conversation. But you know, the other thing too is like if you're doing that, you've got to expect that like the press is going to fucking scrimp and save enough money to fucking get in there. Oh, yeah. Right?

I mean you just don't – I think that there's – it's sort of like the Catholics, right? It's easy. Like, just make a rule. Don't say crazy shit, asshole. Yeah. You're running for the presidency. Don't alienate 47%. Don't suggest that half of America, you're not real interested in governing.

Yeah. No kidding. So, Tom, today we nearly reached $2,000 with the Apocalypse Without Borders Doctors Without Borders Charity Drive. We got a huge donation today, and I can definitely say that it was over $250 from one person. So that'll tell you where you're at on the scale here. So if you donated less than that and you think, man, you know, I'd love to get that shirt. Well, maybe not because there's somebody who donated over $250 today in one go, which was awesome. We are really excited about what's happening. And in fact, we're in talks right now to get our T-shirts better at this point, to get like – actually have like T-shirts that are worth wearing.

So the person who does wind up getting the T-shirt will have a good T-shirt too. So we're pretty happy about the way this is going. We're really pleased with how much money people are donating. That's very, very generous. Our listeners have shown that they're extremely generous. Absolutely. Cecil, this story is from usnews.nbcnews.com. It's also kind of everywhere as well.

Empty chair lynchings. If anybody was unfortunate enough to see the speech by Clint Eastwood from the RNC, he chatted with an empty chair pretending that was Barack Obama. Either that or he really was so fucking ridiculously out of it that chair pretending that was Barack Obama. Either that or he really was so fucking ridiculously out of it that he thought that was Barack Obama. But now chair lynchings are becoming a thing

where people are lynching empty chairs. Not real subtle, guys. Not real subtle at all. How would you like this if one of your neighbors was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do a little throwback party. You know, a little retro theme. Back to the good old days where we lynched black folk for getting uppity. What? Yeah, no kidding. And you know this fucking crotchety old bastard is probably old enough

to have participated in one of these things. You know what I mean? Like, you can't be a young man, I think, and throw this thing up there. No. Or a young woman. You gotta know what the fucking, you know, the history behind this thing is. And what does it say, anyway? What does it say?

It says, you know, we used to eat lynch fuckers like you. Okay, great. So fucking what, dude? You know what you're doing now? You're sitting in your fucking house jerking off to fucking Fox News. Storing up all your fucking impotent rage, dude. Well, good. You can't do anything about it. You're getting

outvoted and you're going to be dead in a few years. Who cares what you think? You know, all you can do, the best you can do is go out and produce a symbol of hate in your yard. Man, you're a fucking hero, man. Holy shit. And the fucking other three degenerates that think you're a hero, they're fucking awesome too. Well, you know, there is a certain advantage to this kind of thing happening, honestly, in your community. You can identify the racist assholes. Right. Right. You know, it's like you don't have to wait for that awkward conversation standing around in the driveway, you know, like having a beer with your neighbor and then your neighbor all of a sudden says something crazy and you're like oh well we'll be skipping your house on

halloween sure you just walk around the neighborhood got an empty chair hanging from a tree guess who's not coming to my fucking barbecue no kidding right fucking way to isolate yourself through hate you know this is a world that's fucking gone. It's not coming back, guys. It's not ever coming back. There's never going to be an America. I think that's the thing that the social conservatives just can't seem to understand. It's gone. It's never coming back. There's never going to be a day where the blacks get on the bus and they say, hey, you know what?

Maybe we should go to the back. That's not going to fucking happen. Or your white guy's going to stand up and be like, hey, you blackies, get in the back of the bus. And then they're like, oh, sorry. That's going to fucking happen. You know what's going to happen is you're going to replay that shit in your fucking fantasies because that's the only place that that exists.

It doesn't exist in the real world anymore. You're not lynching a human being. you're lynching a fucking inanimate object i hope you're fucking proud of yourself good for you you're showing a great symbol of hate be like if there was a fucking jewish guy who said that and they stuffed the chair in an oven oh you know what i mean like right it's the same fucking thing right right you know or he's a fucking native american they throw a blanket over it or something like that. Blanket over it. But seriously, like, stuff a chair in an oven.

Oh, look, this is what we do to Jews. Awesome, dude. Good for you. You're a fucking hate-filled fuckwad. And you're just identifying, like, you're identifying your irrelevancy to the community. Yeah. And if you're not, you're identifying your irrelevancy to the community. Yeah. So. And if you're not, you're fucking driving down home values.

Yeah, I'm thinking about buying that three-bedroom ranch next to the lynchy house. Lynchy? Um, no. No, the lynch has moved out. Yeah, I don't want to. Maybe on second thought, I won't raise my kids in a fucking hate-filled environment of degenerate assholes. And where did this happen? Let me just double check where this happened.

I'm sure it was in fucking Texas. Austin, Texas. Centerville, Virginia. That's not happening on the streets of Vermont. You know what I mean? Exactly. Agencies of government. EPA needs to be rebuilt.

There's no doubt about that. But you can't name the third one? The third agency of government, I would do away with the education, the commerce. And let's see. I can't. The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops. Commerce, education, and the, what's the third one there? Let's see.

The, uh, EPA. There you go. Uh, EPA? EPA, there you go. So, this next story from Talking Points Memo, Rick Perry blames the separation of church and state on Satan. Okay, Rick. Yeah, you really, you nailed that one. Just, you got that, remember that time when you were relevant for about six minutes of your fucking political life, Rick Perry?

That's over now. Time to crawl underneath your rock. He's still the governor of Texas. He is nobody. It's a huge rock. He's got to crawl underneath. That is true. You win.

It's an enormous rock. But this guy is fucking, this is the Dominion of shit. You know what I mean? Like at one point in this article, he's like saying fucking, there's a fucking battle between Satan shit. He says something like – let me read it. It says, you think about this spiritual warfare that's going on.

Going strong is President Obama and his cronies in Washington. Cronies. What is this, 1940? His cronies in Washington continue their efforts to remove any trace of religion from American life. And it falls on us. I mean, we are truly Christian warriors, Christian soldiers. Yeah, Shane, we got to get the religion out of the churches, Shane. It's because of his cronies, Shane.

Cronies. You know, I had this great dame that was running with me. She had great gams. Everything was going just fine until Satan walked into the the room he had a maltese falcon under his according to rick satan runs across the world with his doubt and his untruths and what have you and one of those untruths out there that is driven of is that people of faith should not be involved in the but. Shut the fuck up. How can you finish the quote?

I can't. Who can? Who can? This is a man suggesting that people of faith are being kicked out of public life, kicked out of the public arena, kicked out of politics when he is the fucking governor of Texas and a former presidential candidate. Yeah. How can he possibly say those words?

And I can't even read them. I simply, I can't even read them without just being like, my brain won't do that. Like, it just won't do that. It's like putting your car in fucking reverse and drive at the same time. No, absolutely not. I won't do it. It says here, Perry said the separation of religious and civic institutions in the U.S. began with a narrative that first took root in the 1960s.

And we looked it up and like two of the major things about like religion in the public sphere, Christianity coming to the fore in the United States happened in the 50s. They put in God we trust on the money in 57 on paper money. And then they put the under God in the pledge in 1954. So like what? Just like a couple years earlier, everybody's like, oh, Christianity, Christianity rules. And then like they get to 1960s. They're like fucking who are we talking about?

Satan. Satan rules. Let's rock with, they get to 1960s, they're like, fucking, who were we talking about? Satan. Satan rules. Let's rock with Satan. They just fucking forgot? You just forgot about the fucking godless communists when, like, the Cold War was at, like, its height in the 60s? You can't get worried about the facts when you're starting. You know, you got Satan walking around spreading untruths. Gosh.

Learn a fucking reading. I know that you're in charge of the books in your state and what gets into schools. And that's the most terrifying thing, right? Because this guy's probably a... One of his staff is a deciding factor on what they learn in Texas. But, geez, just read a history book, bro. Look at Wikipedia for 30 minutes. Again, you can't...

You're getting all worked up, Cecil, about these ideas. This all began with a culture... You're upset about a cultural narrative that began in the 1960s. And just because it began way, way, way, way, way, way, way before that doesn't mean what he said

is less true. It just means that Satan is editing Wikipediaikipedia you know and then the satan edited the history books before rick perry even said that that's how clever satan is see but satan's running though like where does he find the time to run no he's got like a tablet it's fine oh okay does he dictate he like runs with his bluetooth in his ear and he dictates to his secretary he's got Siri. Yeah.

He's like, Siri, can you change the Wikipedia entry for me? Amend history. He's got a really powerful version of Siri. Well, Satan gets his own Siri. Yeah. Come on. I mean, yeah. Apple loves him.

Steve Jobs made it just for him. That call to Sandy came in around 6 in the evening. Sandy didn't know exactly what city her son was in and called local hospitals. Three hours later, a woman called 911 to report the death. And what's your name? My name is Living Being. But instead of asking for help, the woman just asked for someone to come get the body. Can I transfer you over to medical just in case?

No, I really don't think it's necessary. So, Cecil, we have a follow-up from our story from last week about the guy who died at a spiritual retreat when his life retreated right out of his body. Yeah. This is a follow-up from ArizonaFamily.com. It's actually AZFamily.com or ArizonaFamily.com. And the story is actually sadder. It's even sadder and weirder.

Much weirder. This is a story about Joe Fitzpatrick who went to a spiritual healer to get rid of his diabetes. He had type 1 diabetes. Didn't want that any longer. Was going to go through a detox process and some spiritual mumbo jumbo. Didn't work out for him. Had him eating greens and almonds. Greens and almonds?

Yeah, that'll probably kill you if you have type 1 diabetes and don't take your shit. He's now feeding the greens. Yeah, no kidding. Because he is dead. Yeah, and this is the same story. We were actually, somebody had mentioned to us via email. They said, hey, you guys were talking about the living beings thing. Well, what was the big deal about it?

Well, the big deal is that this guy met these people. I think they said in an Occupy protest he met them. And then he heads on over to their fucking, you know, at this point it looks like an abandoned house. It doesn't even look like a, like if you watch a video, you're just like, people live in that? And then he went there and they convinced him to get off his insulin medication. They're like, oh, you don't need that because we fucking can spiritually heal you. And then he dies and then they call this, they call the mother and say, hey, come get

the body. Oh God, what a great phone call that is. And the mother starts freaking out and starts calling a bunch of places. And then I think they said it was like a day or two later they called 911, the people who had the body called 911. And when they ask on that, you can listen to the 911 tape because at one point they say, can I ask who I'm speaking to? The 911 operator says, and the woman's like, you're speaking to a living being. And then she does that. You could totally hear her laugh because last week we read that she laughed and chuckled.

But she really does. She says, should we call medical personnel and send them out? She's like, I really don't think that's necessary. He's already stinky. See, because he's fucking dead. You know, because we told him not to take his fucking medication. You know, the stuff that was keeping him alive his whole life. Yeah, that stuff is pretty useful when you have fucking diabetes.

It turns out, like when you're just like, hey, I don't regulate insulin. Oh, well, we've got some shit that will help you do that. Well, what about if I just eat fucking greens and almonds? No. No, you'll die. You just ask the living beings that don't have fucking diabetes. Fucking terrible human beings. And how do you ever think that's funny?

You know, how are you like, oh, that person came to me for help and they're dead? You know, how are you like, oh, that person came to me for help and they're dead? Ha ha! your deal. I feel lucky. Let's play one more hand. I'm a Sag. I'm a Sag. I'm a Sag. Cecil, do you have a 401k or retirement at your work? I do. I'm not investing in this.

When you pick your funds, you know, like when you're... Because it's an important decision. Yeah, I trust fidelity. When you're... When you're picking which funds to invest in, you're like, maybe I should go with like a mid-cap growth stock or, you know, you're trying to decide on what to do. And then you could do what they do from this story in marketplace.org. And that is to consult the stars, specifically astrology signs, and see what fucking phase Neptune is in or whatever. Let me tell you, it's going to sink your portfolio. What do these people do? Like what they do is they, you know, there's a lot of bullshit in the stock market as it is. There's people that

think that, you know, there's a lot of ways to pick stocks and a lot of ways to follow the markets. You know, I think the people that are most successful are the most informed, the ones that know. Because, I mean, think about it this way, right? It's a crime in some cases to know too much information about stocks. Right, right. No, that's a good point. The more you know, the better chance you have. This is taking that and throwing it right out the window and saying, you know what? I don't want to know anything.

All I want to know is if the fucking planets are in conjunction. Oh, we're in fucking Virgo? Shit, buy 100 shares of Virgin. Oh, we're in Capricorn? Fuck, buy 100 shares of Virgin. You know? Oh, we're in Capricorn? Fuck, buy 100 shares of fucking Goatfish Enterprises. Goatfish Enterprises. Like, what the fuck? Like, how does this even work?

It doesn't work. That's how it works. They just fucking pretend something. And then it's just the same way that this person is, you know, they're telling you what you want to hear, right? Just the same way you would call a psychic. Just the same way that you would talk to an astrologer or a fucking tarot card reader. They're going to tell you what you want to hear. And you're always going to fucking blame the misses on yourself and blame the hits on them.

And so it's going to work out every time. Well, it's really, it's like it's an industry. It's like, it's an idea, you know, I mean, it's gambling. So it's absolutely rife for an industry. It's an idea. I mean, it's gambling. So it's absolutely rife for this sort of nonsense to take hold. I mean, in this same article, Crawford warns his 2,000 subscribers particularly against the dangers of Mercury and retrograde. I mean, shut the fuck up. Mercury and retrograde. It is a planet.

Do you really think that all of a sudden stocks are going? Doesn't that suggest too that stocks just go up and down based on nothing? Like based on nothing. It doesn't matter that the unemployment figures just came out and they were a little disappointing or that Chase or some other major banking institution had a judgment levied against them for you know robo signing or you know that never mind all of these things never mind you know the success or failure of facebook's ipo or the you know fed deciding to buy treasury bonds like all that stuff doesn't fucking matter what matters what's mercury doing now? Does it appear to be going backwards in the sky? Because if so, I'm fucked. Yeah. You're a fucking idiot.

You have more fucking money than you have fucking brains. If at any point you're like, I really got to see what my Pisces fucking who-jew bullshit says in the newspaper before I decide what stocks to buy. You know, whether I should dump my money into a CD. I don't even know enough about astrology to make fun of it well enough. You know what I mean? Like, because it's so fucking stupid. It's, I mean, it really is the stupidest of all the pseudoscience bullshit because you're

saying these planets have some sort of effect, you know, because first you're saying they have an effect on yourself, right? Well, I'm born in the fucking cancer sign. So I like fucking, I like wearing my shirt cut low and I like banging girls in the butt. What, you know what I mean? Like, like, like what does it say about you? Oh, it means, it means all this bullshit. And it's like, and it's, and if you read those,

I've seen it a hundred times where they, they read them out to the audience and they say, okay, how many of you think this is your sign? And like half of them, fucking more than half, raise their hand. And it can't be all of them. You know what I mean? It can't be all of them. It can't be a third of them. It's supposed to be about one twelfth of them. But instead, it's like fucking half or more of them raise their hand and be like, yep, that sounds like me.

Because they're all like really simple things that most people can find in themselves pretty easily. And the same thing goes for this. It's like, you know, all you've got to do is just say some really general shit and people will just fucking. You said 2,000 subscribers. That's a lot of fucking people, man. And you know he's not giving that shit away. that shit away. It says this guy charged $237 annually

for her newsletter, which 300 traders to subscribe for news on what will happen to stock prices of companies. Let me do the math. 200 times, and you know, just knock the 37 off. 200 times 300?

You know, at $60,000 if you knock the fucking 37 off, you know? And that's another six to the price. So you know what I mean? Throw another 10K on there, probably close to $70,000 in one year for typing up nonsense on a newsletter? I'll do it for half price. I'll do it for half price, Cecil.

Idiots. These people deserve getting fucking misled I don't like to say that but they fucking do well you know what I mean like you're right these people have money to burn and mercury in retrograde sounds like you had poisoning like you broke a thermometer

and some of it spilled on your hand so we got a couple voicemails this time uh we got a we got one from andy we're going to play that one first then we got another one from somebody i don't know their what their name was because it kind of gets cut off in the beginning um but what we're going to do is we're going to read that one afterwards. you guys, of all people, would get a kick out of who I am picking up. I am over in Cahokia, Illinois, at a private airport, and of all the people at my company that they decide to send to pick up Joyce Myers and her religious nutbags, they chose me. So I'm sitting in the car waiting for them to land, hoping not to be proselytized to.

Thanks. Hey, this is Russ calling from Antica. I was a former worship leader at an Assemblies of God church. We were Pentecostal. I was born and raised Southern Baptist. And, of course, my mom is still involved in that. But I left about two years ago and became an atheist. And I really enjoy your show. And I just want to thank you for that. And I just love hearing you guys and appreciate the podcast. Keep up the good work.

Thanks. So that voicemail, Tom, Google Voice thought it said something. It probably didn't even come close. They weren't as bad as usual. Hello. This is weird calling from Antica. I was a former worship leader. It is Assemblies of God Church. We were Pentecostal. I was born and raised Southern Baptist

And of course my mom It's still involved in that But I left about two years ago and became a siesta And I really enjoy your show And I just want to thank you for that And I just love hearing you guys And appreciate the podcast Keep up the good work

Thanks Not too bad And I just want to thank you for that. And I just love hearing you guys and appreciate the podcast. Keep up the good work. Thanks. So not too bad. They're getting a little better. Thanks to both the people who called in. Andy, I'm sorry about the fare that you had there. And we're happy to have you, person whose name was garbled. We got an email, Tom, from – let me see how I can pronounce this.

It's Bean? Boon? Ben. Ben sends us an email. That's it. Ben. Ben? Ben? B-N. B-N? B-N?

I can't pronounce these foreign names. Maybe I should wear blackface when I try to pronounce it. Well, that's what Romney was saying a lot. He was saying bien a lot, you know, the entire day. Bien, bien. Muy bien. No está bien. So he sends an email about bestiality entering the gay marriage debate down – and this is in Australia.

And there's a guy on here who is furious. Senator Cory Bernardi looks just so mad. He looks like if he was on the football field, he'd be sacking the quarterback right now. He's watching his fucking best friend sleep with his wife right now. That's what he's watching. He's looking over like, goddammit, you slut. He's so mad. He's so mad.

Why do you look so mad? It's such an unflattering picture. I fucking love that they took this picture of this guy. He looks like Christian Bale after they just killed his parents in Batman. He's going to go back and, like, learn all the martial arts next. All the ninjitsu that he can learn. Like, that's what he's going to do. But what do you think about this bestiality and marriage and the gay marriage debate?

It comes up a lot. It does, and it's nonsense every time, right? And he even sort of cites what nonsense it is because he says, there are even some creepy people out there who say that it's okay to have consensual sexual relations between humans and animals. Will that be a future step? No.

Because animals can't consent. Like, the animals can't consent to sex. So how? No. It's so stupid. It's like, well, you know, is it a consensual relationship when I'm fucking my dog against its will? Like, yes, it is not a consensual relationship, you dumb fuck. You are basically raping the dog or the goat or the sheep or whatever you're fucking, the lobster, whatever you have, You know, the gerbil that's tied up and stuffed up your ass.

Whatever it is. You're fucking it. It's fucking. It is. You are raping it. Rock lobster. If you're clipping fucking. That's the muskrat love.

If you're clipping fucking bay scallops on your nuts, that's fucking rape. Are those nipple clamps? No, they're actually nipple clams. Nipple clams. Nipple clams. I use mollusks. Yeah. You know, I've got a mollusk fetish.

I like to. What a fucking retard. You know, I'll believe that it's consensual when my dog fucking hits on me. Like when I sit down and the dog's like, hey, you been working out? What's up, big guy? He got any peanut butter?

I'm pretty flexible. I can stretch. I just lick my own balls. I can't even speak. Can you scratch behind your ear with your foot? Oh, that's awesome. You know, here's how you know if it's consensual. Go fuck a gorilla, bro. Even pound it into a puddle in like 30 seconds.

Such a stupid thing to say. Oh, man. Anybody who listens to that doesn't understand sex or consent. They don't understand the idea of consent. They really have no idea what consent means. And that's just a disconnect in general. Because look at – I mean you're looking at the Muslims. They don't understand what consent is. The. They don't understand what consent is.

The Catholic priests don't understand what consent is. And the people who are against gay marriage that want to compare it to bestiality, they have no idea what consent is. So what we really need is a fucking consent awareness day. It's like a pamphlet but it's just one – It just has the definition of consent on it. To agree. I don't understand. Did they consent?

Let me consult my handy dandy pamphlet. It's like a fucking flow chart that just goes one direction. You just need to hire fucking Jeeves to stand next to you and be like, was that consent? No, no, sir. No, the dog did not consent to the rape there. We want to thank you, though, Ben, for sending in your email. We're only giving him shit because he says he was hoping that we would fumble over his foreign name. We want to thank all the people who rated us this week. We got another group of

ratings at this point. We're up to 300 and almost 320 iTunes ratings. That really helps the show when you do that. And we really appreciate everybody who rates the show. And we're excited every time we see them. We love to see them. Some of them are great. And it always cheers us up during the week whenever we get good ratings on iTunes. We check them maybe once or twice a week and we'll message each other and be like, hey, did you see the latest one? So we're really, really grateful when people do that. And the rest of my life is drab and meaningless. Yeah. We need a little meaning in our life here. Yeah. But thank you very much for doing that. And thank you for everybody who's

donated to Apocalypse Without Borders. In the next couple weeks, watch our site because we will be getting a new t-shirt vendor. We'll be getting more of that money and the t-shirts will be better. So, I mean, it's a fucking win-win. We won't have all the knick-knacks and shit, I don't think. I think we're going to kill that site where with all the

knick-knacks and the fucking mugs and all that. But you'll just be able to get shirts and, you know, come on. That's all you really wanted anyway. I mean, who are we kidding? And then we just got, Tom, we made our first dollar, few dollars off the podcast through the sale of our apps. We did. We got a check in the mail. I almost fucking fell over when I got the $36 that we've made on our apps.

So thank you, everybody, who bought an app, who bought apps for both Apple and Android. We're ecstatic when you buy the apps. We're happy that people are listening to the show through these. And I like them because I can stream. You can stream through them. You can also stream through Stitcher, obviously, if you wanted to, or other podcast playing programs. But if you want to support the show, just remember to go to our website and you could buy the app right there. So it's a short show this week. We apologize for the short show, but I was,

I am going out of town for the weekend. So I want to make sure that I record the show before I leave and it will be posted hopefully in the normal time. If you get it tomorrow, hey, that's awesome. If you get it Sunday, hey, that's normal. If you get it Monday, hey, that's late. So I'm not going to make any fucking promises. But we thank everybody for listening. And as always, we will leave you with the Skeptic's Creed.

Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Deadpan sales pitch Late night info docutainment Leo Pisces Cancer cures, detox, reflex Foot massage, death in towers

Tarot cards, psychic healing Crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti Aliens, churches, mosques And synagogues, temples, dragons Giant worms, Atlantis Dolphins, truthers, birthers Witches, wizards, vaccine nuts Shaman healers Evangelists,, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives,

employers, friends, families, or of the local Dairy Council. Outro Music