Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 660: Vulgarity for Charity Part 2, 2023

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Show Notes

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 660 of Cognitive Dissonance. And Cecil,

we have vulgarity for charity roast tonight. Yeah. So everybody, we're going to have a special guest, Cara Santa Maria, of course, the puzzle guys.

And so that's going to be happening a little bit later in the show. But, you know, there was also a major announcement. Major Trump announcement. A major Trump announcement. Absolutely, major announcement. This is...

People might have missed this. People might have missed this. This is important. You know, Trump teased this as a major announcement. Major announcement. Truth? Truth, was it? Parler?

Wherever he's at? Did he... Wherever the racists are. Wherever the worst racist, I guess that's everywhere now. Wherever great griffs are sold, that's where he's at. He shouted out

wherever that happened. So his major announcement turns out to be Trump trading cards. It's like digital trading cards. It's like the NFTs, no less. It's like digital trading cards. It's like the NFTs, no less. It's like, remember the Christmas story? It's like, it's a major award, and it's a lamp

with like a leg lamp. It's like it's a major announcement. It's a Trump fucking JPEG, dude. It's literally nothing. It's like, it's Trump. It's a jerk-off Trump image that tries to depict him as a superhero or as like a, I don't know, like as a person who doesn't look like a fucking 80-year-old washed-up shitty loser.

That's basically it. You know, going around on the social medias the last couple of weeks was a lot of people were doing this. couple of weeks was a lot of people were doing this and it was kind of going around where you go to some app, I forgot the name of the app already, and you upload a bunch of pictures of yourself and then the AI art generator recreates a

bunch of art with your face. So I did it the other day. My wife did it and she showed it to me and it was cool and I'm like, I'll play along. And so I did it. This is the same shit, man. Yeah. The quality of this art, it looks like fucking random AI generated superhero art.

It is the most, this is the most fucking narcissistic, egotistical shit you've ever seen ever. The fact that he's selling each one for $99 is amazing. Let me just, let me just. For99 for an NFT? Let me read. On the website, it says, these are just like baseball cards, but you collect them digitally on your computer or phone. All you need is an email address and a credit card to start collecting one, 10, 20, or 100. Instantly become part of a new league of collectors. And then there are Trump prizes. So when you buy this trash,

and also, this is also important, when you spend your money on this, it is not going to any political cause at all. No, absolutely not. It's going to whatever. Trump. Yeah, this is literally, he's not even trying to pretend anymore

that this is part of his legal defense fund or a political action committee. Or this is just, hey, I had a fucking seventh grader draw me as a superhero. And I want to sell that hundreds of times for $100 a piece. That is literally what this is. Yikes. And then there's a sweepstakes. These are the least appealing prizes of any sweepstakes. If there was a sweepstakes in hell. If there was a sweepstakes. These are the least appealing prizes of any sweepstakes.

If there was a sweepstakes in hell, if there was a sweepstakes in, if you could rub a fucking genie lamp where all the wishes were cursed, it would still be better than the sweepstakes prize. It feels like, you know what it feels like? It feels like those genie jokes where the genie is like a crafty shit and fucks you over.

And you're just like yes you're like man but when i said longest dick in the world that didn't mean i wanted the size of the holland tunnel or whatever you know it's like one of those and you're just like the monkey's paw shit unbelievable it is like each one of these let's just read them go go through the go through here here are the sweepstakes prizes an exciting exciting prize such as Miami dinner with Donald Trump. And the picture for this is, by the way, of Donald Trump in a cowboy hat and like looking like a Texas Ranger.

It's like a Marshall's long coat with like the Marshall star on him. Then there is what I think is my favorite picture that goes with the Mar-a-Lago group cocktail hour experiencing meet and greet with Trump and his luxurious private Palm Beach resort. This is Trump as an astronaut, presumably Space Force.

Yeah. I love this, guys. He's in an astronaut suit, right? He's in the full astronaut suit with the bubble helmet and sunglasses underneath the bubble helmet, guys. He's got Biden's aviators on because Biden's wearing those aviators like crazy.

He's trying to steal Biden's thunder with the aviators. Then the only honest one, one-on-one meeting with number 45. You can enjoy an unforgettable private meeting with Donald Trump. And this one is just him in a suit with his stupid fucking thumbs up and a bunch of gold bars with his dumb name on it

flying all over the place. I cannot think of it. I would cut off. I'd be like one of those coyotes that's to chew off its own arm to get away. Then you can play golf with Trump and your friends. Now, this is the only one that would be appealing is to have me and my friends surrounding Trump with clubs.

That sounds really appealing. Yeah, you basically have to walk a golf course and watch him cheat all day. That sounds really appealing. Yeah. I would, that sounds good. You basically have to walk a golf course and watch him cheat all day. That's what you get. I know. Because you know he's going to cheat.

You know he's, like Ted, you fucking know he's going to cheat all day. He's going to fucking lie about everything all day. He's going to be like, no, I'm the greatest. I was 100 under par or whatever.

And you're going to be like, I hate you. This is the worst. The only time he wouldn't be cheating would be when he was sexually harassing the girls that drive around selling you drinks on the golf course. That's so true.

That's it. That's it. Like there would only be two modes. Sexually harassing a young lady who's eye rolling at him and then cheating. You can also win an individual Zoom call with Donald Trump.

Again, I would rather spike my fucking laptop on the ground and dance on its broken parts than be on a fucking Zoom call. They have those Facebook posts that are like, you have to spend a year here with no internet or you get a million dollars, will you do it? And it's like, they could put me in that house if I was forced to have a Zoom call with Donald Trump.

I'll stay there for a year. You don't have to pay me anything. I just don was forced to have a Zoom call with Donald Trump. I'll stay there for a year. You don't have to pay me anything. Sure. I just don't want to do a Zoom call. Done. I just never want to do it. I never want to see Zoom. I would rather fucking live in the woods like fucking Thoreau. I would attack the Zoom servers with a terrorist

fucking bomb, like an IED or something. I'd be like, no, we're going to figure out a way to stop this. It's not going to happen. Then a group Zoom session so you can meet Trump via Zoom alongside fellow...

So this one isn't even... This is like the prizes are getting shittier, right? So all the good prizes, I guess, were one through five. Now it's you and a bunch of other chucklehead idiots who bought fucking fake digital

AI-gener generated trash art of a narcissistic egomaniac. You can get online with a bunch of like-minded dipshits. This one is Trump standing because back in the day, Trump bought into, I think it was the USFL or something. One of those football leagues. Did he buy the XFL? XFL. That was it. I'm sorry. Not the USFL. That was a different fall apart football league that happened. But yeah, it was XFL. He joined in and tried and it failed.

It failed hard. And he's always had a hate on for the NFL since then. Oh, really? Is that why he's got to bug up his ass about it? Yeah, that's why he hates the NFL. And that's why when there was ever any controversy, he immediately jumped on that controversy to talk about how bad the NFL is.

Now, Cecil, I just did something. I didn't tell you I was going to do this, but I just did something. I want you to go back to our show notes real quick. Can you go back to the show notes real quick? Yeah, yeah. All right. Now, notice the image in our show notes.

Yeah, yeah. I put one of these images in our show notes by right-clicking on it, and it didn't cost me $99. You saved it? Did you save it? Yes. Did you save each one?

I just copied it. You could save images. You could save images. You're absolutely right. These aren't even protected in any way. It's not even protected. They didn't even bother. You're right.

It's not even a digit. You can look at this one. Cool. I'm going to save images. If Tom could figure it out. If Tom could figure this out, he absolutely can. Now they are WEPBs.

They are WEPB or BP files, but you can run those through a converter and put them anywhere. So yeah. I don't know. I don't know what that means. All I know is that I collected one on my computer and it cost me nothing.

It's not a protected file. It's just, it's not a protected file. It's just a little easier to view on other stuff. Okay. With like a JPEG than with this particular file. This is a sort of a protected file. It's just a little easier to view on other stuff with like a JPEG than with this particular file. This is sort of a web file, a web only file type of thing.

And then you would then download it and send it to one of these or upload it into one of your programs that could easily convert it. And we convert it into a JPEG or whatever you want, PNG, whatever you want. So yeah, you could easily have this on your thing.

This is the ugliest shit in the entire, Cecil, can we play just a few seconds of the video for his major announcement? Let's play his major announcement. I'm sure people want to hear it.

That sound is Trump's eye lasers, by the way. I just want to let you know that. Hello everyone. This is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln. Better than Washington. I have an important announcement to make. I'm doing my first official Donald J. Trump NFT collection right here and right now.

They're called Trump Digital Trading Cards. These cards feature some of the really incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career has been very exciting. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Your career? Your career as an astronaut? What the fuck are you talking about? Your career as a NASCAR driver? Your career as...

Get the fuck out of here. His career... Your career? You've done none of these things except for play golf and fuck gold eat a bag of dicks you fucker your career these pertain to my career your career is fucking walker texas ranger what the fuck are you talking about fucking get the hell out of here your. My career as a laser eyeball superhero? What the fuck? Fucking loser.

You know, when I was one of the Incredibles on The Incredibles. What the fuck is this? It's so trashy. Who takes this man seriously? And he also missed the NFT train. Like, the NFT train kind of left the station about a year ago and fucking died on the tracks like seven months ago right yeah like nobody is interested in what the fucking bored apes are although i did see oh this

is delightful i did see that like uh some celebrity i can't remember who but it was one of them i didn't like so i laughed he bought one of those like bored ape Ape Yacht Club stupid fucking JPEGs. Bieber. It's Bieber. Bieber. Bieber. For like $1.3 million and it's now worth like $70,000. Yeah.

But you lost like And it's not And it's not worth $70,000. It's not worth like $70,000 or $40,000 or whatever it was. It's not worth that anyway. But it just like

like at a certain point people with that much money have to value that loss at something. Right. Right. And even if it were worth $70,000 it's like, like at a certain point, people with that much money have to value that loss at something. Right. Right. And even if it were worth 70 grand, it's like, all right, well, you're still 1.23 in the hole on that. We just recorded a citation needed with Eli doing modern art.

It's going to come out in several weeks. We're ahead of the game because they had to do a thing where they're traveling. But we're ahead of the game because they had to do a thing where they're traveling. But we're ahead of the game, so it's several weeks out. But in that episode, we talk about how it's possible, at least in one of the skits, we talk a little bit about how it's possible that modern art or art itself could be used

to pay for dark stuff, like some dark shit, like human trafficking or whatever. And you're just thinking like, okay, NFTs were made for this. Like, NF, NFTs were made for this. Like NFTs were a hundred percent made for this and they still couldn't last. They were a hundred percent made. Like that's like Bitcoin and all that idea.

I know Bitcoin can't be used for that. Cause it's like easily traceable and all that. At least that's what I hear. I don't really know a lot about it. I don't really care. The FBI traces that shit super easy. That's what they figured out. Yeah.

So it's not even useful for that anyway, but they sell it as that, right? Like they sell it. And like you should think that this like NFT thing would be the one thing that like people would be like, oh, I'm going to sell this worthless fucking JPEG for nothing for money and then also give you a person or whatever.

Right. And it still doesn't work. It doesn't still work. It's nothing because like at the end of the day, you could just right click and you get the same thing. So stupid. Oh, anyway,

let's continue on. I just want to, I want to hear more about his career. Major announcement. I'm sorry. You can collect your Trump digital cards, just like a baseball card or other collectibles. Here's one of the best parts.

Each card comes with an automatic chance to win amazing prizes like dinner with me. I don't know if that's an amazing prize. It's not. It's 100% not an amazing prize. Or golf with you and a group of your friends at one of my beautiful golf courses. And they are beautiful. I'm also doing Zoom calls, a one-on-one meeting, autographing memorabilia, and so much more. We're doing a lot. My official Trump digital

trading cards are $99, which doesn't sound like very much for what you're getting. There's a Trump trading card I'm looking at right now. Let Let me describe it to you. Okay. There's the backdrop is the Serengeti. Imagine you're on the Serengeti. The beautiful, gorgeous Serengeti, brown field kicking up dust is a red, white, and blue elephant.

Are you fucking serious? A stride his back is Donald Trump in a red tie and black shirt holding one fist to the sky it's a way to show

how powerful and how in control Trump is this is this it's the cringiest shit in the world alright we don't need to listen

to the rest of this Tom we understand but again you know before we end on this I don't know how you can get through to the people who thought that Trump was on their side, who thought that, and this feels like the only way, is that he keeps on grifting them over and over and over until they finally just say, I think he's been lying to me, right? I think that there's got to be a point.

There's going to be a limit because even people who have been, you know, really, really grifted by, you know, psychics or chiropractors or whoever, right? You know, when those, the people who are psychics who tell them to put their life savings in a briefcase and they're going to bless the money and then they give the briefcase back and there's nothing in it and stuff. They eventually wake up and go, okay, no, I was absolutely duped. And they recognize that. At what point do the people who have been watching him for so long and who've been following and who've been doing, you know, sort of voting for him and, you know, riding the Trump train, going to his rallies, et cetera, et cetera. At what point do they wake up and say, no, I was duped? Because this is a clear money grab.

There's nothing, I mean, there's no way to paint this in another way. So what is the, how many more cards does it take? You know, every president to some degree after their presidency trades on their status for money. They all do speaking engagements. They all write a book. They all do it. They all do it. And to some degree, that is absolutely trading on your status, your celebrity status as having been a former president in order for you to enrich

yourself. I am going to throw that out there and say, but this, the, the ugliness of this, the crassness, the absolute lack of value of this. Like it's not even a book. Like I buy a book, at least there's a book to read. This is a book is like 1995. If you get it hard cover, you know, this is a hundred dollar digital, nothing. It's not like it's even a painting he made. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's a clear, clear money grab. God, it's so fucking, it's not even like he gave a speech at my commencement

and he got paid for it, but he said like inspiring things. This is just like, yeah, somebody drew a picture of me. You can buy it. It's $100. You won't get the picture. You'll get a copy of it.

You could have had it for free, but you bought it for $100 because you're're an idiot nfts what jesus what you could have all this for free right now so fucking wonderful i love that they're getting grifted this hard though like i like the the fucking trump supporters i just like i feel like it's different than the chiropractor you know what Reiki people. You know what the snake was. And the difference between the chiropractors and the Reiki and all that bullshit is those people might have been doing something to try to help themselves like get better in some ways or try to deal with their life in some ways. The people who love and fell in love with Trump, they did it because they didn't, they all belong to the same club of not liking the same group of people. That's all it was.

It was a group of people who didn't like other people. And they wanted to see those people hurt. That's all it was. So those people, I don't care really that they got hurt either. I'll be real honest. Yeah, fuck them. Buy all your fucking NFTs, you fucking idiots. Put them in your fucking NFT bicycle spokes.

You fucking dipshits. Come. I'dhits. Come. I'd do anything for Jesus. I found over 1,700 times in the word of God where this word is used. Come. And that's not cometh and the rest of the comes, but that's just come. Preaching my heart out for 45 minutes to an hour on that one word come. And it was one of our Lord's favorite words.

Come unto me. Come and drink. Come and dine jesus said come so cecil this story comes from uh pewresearch.org which is terrifying uh about four in ten u.s adults believe that humanity is living in the end times i am one of them i'm one of you know it's so cecil you beat me to it. Cause I like, I'm like, yeah. It's two of four, Tom. Are we two of four? Are we two of four?

Yeah, I mean, I think I'm in the end times, but I don't think I'm in the end times like you think I'm in the end times, right? I'm not, we're not in the fucking biblical end times. We're in the fucking human fucking greenhouse effect made end times. That's the end times that we're in. On this, they break down the people who believe that we're living in the end times. All US adults, 39% say yes, 58% say no.

Then they break it down by religiosity. And atheists, 9% of atheists believe that we are living in the end times. And I'm like, yeah, absolutely, 100%. What I didn't get though is lower. There's another one that says, a slight majority of Americans believe Jesus will return to earth one day. And it lists all the people,

et cetera, et cetera. But the atheists have 1% believe that Jesus will return. Yeah, that's super confusing. I was like, what is, what now? Yeah. Who now?

Who did? I mean, I can see like, I can kind of see the agnostic one because you're like at 1%. Well, the agnostic is at eight. And I'm like, again, I mean, I can see like, I can kind of see the agnostic one because you're like at 1%. Well, the agnostic is at eight. And I'm like, again, I just, I feel like,

I feel like you don't know what those words mean. Yeah, the atheist one is super confusing. Yeah, it's all, because here are the three options. For a slight majority of Americans will believe in Jesus one day. So the question is,

do you believe Jesus will return to earth someday? And the three options are yes, no, and I don't believe in Jesus. The atheists were 84% I don't believe in Jesus. 16% were

no, not I don't believe in Jesus, which means they believe in Jesus, but they just don't think he's swinging by anytime soon. So 84% of people are mythicists? Well, I don't. They don't believe that Jesus was

something that could return. Yeah. Okay. All right. Because I would count myself as like, I don't believe in Jesus as like a, like I don't believe anybody would return. I think there was like a Jesus. I just don't think he was like. Yeah. Okay. So I see what you're saying. Like there's some wiggle room in the interpretation of that. Cause you probably would have said no. I think he's,

I think there's a Jesus. I just don't think that he like that he's magic. Like he was a dude. When I think of, when I think of Jesus, I guess I don't think of like the, like the, the itinerant preacher who went around. I think of like the myth of Jesus, I guess I don't think of like the, like the, the itinerant preacher who went around. I, I think of like the myth of Jesus, like the, the story. I see. Okay. Sure. So if somebody says like, I don't, like, I would say like, I don't believe in Jesus. Like, I don't believe any of that shit. Like, I don't, I don't even think I have no reason to think he even said any of the stuff that's credited to him. You know, like who knows that shit was written. That's possible. Yeah. I know that like, there's, there's was written. That's possible, yeah. I know that, like, there's other sources, though.

There's other sources, like Greek sources, that do mention him. So there is other sources. Right. Yeah, I think there was definitely an itinerant preacher who was of some significance that was around during that time. And that's, like, as far as I am comfortable. But I'm also uneducated about it, you know?

Yeah, and I'm also in the same boat with you, which is like, I don't care. Right. Because he's not magic. I don't care how fucking popular it was. It wasn't magic. Like he wasn't a magic person. So doesn't matter. He's just, he's the same as all the rest of those past preachers.

You know, it's the same. He's essentially the same person. It's like, okay, cool. Greg Locke died tomorrow and people were like, hey, do you think Greg Locke is going to return? I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? No. Yeah, exactly. We get to a thousand years from now and they're

selling Greg Locke NFTs and he's got eye lasers. Oh my God. This time. 39% man are like, oh yeah. I know, man. I know. But I do think,

I just have different interpretations of these questions when they say like, are you in the end times? If you say it's a biblical end time, no, absolutely not. We're not in that end time. No, that's nonsense.

Are we on like maybe a large extinction on planet Earth? Like this, what is it? The sixth or the fifth or whatever we're on? Yeah. A hundred percent. Maybe.

Yeah. I think so. Sure. Yeah. We're on the big extinction train. Absolutely. Yeah. I totally,

I totally think that. I mean, that's because that's what all the evidence points to, you know, like, I feel like, I feel like a lot of people for a long time haven't been thinking like that. And I think the more we think like that,

the better off our species will be because we might be able to prevent it. If we more we think like that, the better off our species will be because we might be able to prevent it. If we don't think like that, then we're fucked. Then we're essentially on that train. But if we do start thinking like that, maybe, just maybe, there'll be enough smart people in the world

that can turn shit around. I know we can do it. I know we can do it. It's just that the will needs to be there to do it. It's the will. It's the will that scares me, Cecil. I was much more of an optimist until everybody was like, I ain't wearing a mask.

And I'm just like, we have no will. Like, that's it. Like, we're not going to agree to it. We couldn't agree to not like coughing each other's faces. You know what I mean? I think like if you make the right stuff and the right people get into power, you can do it. You into power you can do it you know you can do it there was mask mandates places all right look at what happened on the on the

flights you know what i mean like you know for a long time you threw a fit on a plane without a fucking fit without a mask guess where you were not on a plane anymore so you know as much as people wanted to make a big fuss about it they sure as people wanted to make a big fuss about it, they sure as fuck didn't make a big fuss about it in the air. And if they did, that shit got tick-tocked

and they eventually got fucking thrown off the airplane. That's very true. That's very true. So, you know what I mean? Like, I think, you know, we could make some cool shit and really turn things around,

you know, with fucking man-made climate change. And I know that there's the brainpower to do it. Hell, there's fucking research this last week where they're talking about fusion reactions

and a possible new lead there. You know, who knows what that could lead to. It could be a hundred years down the road. It could be five years down the road. It just depends. Right. When humanity wants to ship money into it, shit can really turn around.

We saw that with the fucking vaccine, man. Was it nine months? Nine months? Yep. When we put the right incentives in place. Yeah. Nine months? Yeah.

Nine months to roll it out. To create it. It was created in like two months. It just had to go through testing and everything. All that has to happen is rich people need to be inconvenienced. The moment rich people are inconvenienced, then it'll change people's minds. Until then, it's just going to be a poor person problem. Yeah.

Well, you know, maybe the sea levels will rise and eat up some beach homes. That's really one of the only things that could probably save us is if a bunch of rich people become very, very inconvenienced. Yep. Very, and we're talking very inconvenienced. And I get it. And then they will, yeah. And if people, I don't want people to think I'm like indifferent to the rise of sea level. Please don't send me an email about how so many poor people live close to the sea. No, I know. It's a horror. That's not my point. That is not my point. It's a horror. It's a horror. But understand too, the way the world works, there's been starving people all over the world for as long as I've been alive. And that has not changed. We have not

cured world hunger. We can. It's within our grasp to do, and we haven't done it. So the idea that those things, they don't change. A bunch of people can lose their homes, but if they're people who aren't with means, they don't have any recourse to change what happened to them. Exactly right. Yep. Exactly right. I got dark, Tom. I got real dark. It did. I got a little dark. It's the end time, Cecil. I mean, it's the end time, so it is going to get a little dark, admittedly. Nancy, this polar bear you killed is delicious.

You can barely taste the oil. Caitlin, dear, will you please turn up the air conditioners? And how was your day? Okay. I missed the Hummer this morning, and then it was a little cloudy. Sweetness, you know better than to criticize your country.

Which she loves. For spacious skies For amber waves of green This story comes from Salon Law Professors raise ethics concerns As Kavanaugh parties with Republicans At worst possible time Supreme Court Justice attended a party With ex-Trump aide and semi-human Stephen Miller

CPAC Chairman Matt Schlapp Semi-human? What the fuck? Like like if there was any pretense that anyone had in their mind that there was a you know like a really truly independent Supreme Court judiciary

yeah you're right you're right yeah you're a fucking idiot like if you still believe that like you I don't know how you can read anymore like i hard agree what the fuck hard agree also this party sounds like it sucked so can you imagine a less fun party holy shit dude i'd rather have a zoom call with trump are you kidding me here yeah here are the people at this party think about how unpleasant this party is yeah zoom call with trump man i don't. I don't even,

I don't even like, like, I'm not a big party guy. Like, parties are okay, but I'm not a huge, like, oh man, I, like I was when I was like a kid, of course, but now as I'm, as an adult, I like, I like more tame things. I'm just, you know, I'm old. So it's like, I don't want to do a big, you know, fuck all party. But man, I cannot imagine. I cannot imagine for the life of me how fucking unfun a party like this would be. Go ahead and list the participants, Tom. Spotted at Matt and Mercy's Schlapps Annual. That's a terrible name.

Annual Christmas party at their home on Friday. Schlapps. Justice Brett Kavanaugh, representative and fucking human sex trafficker, Matt Gaetz. Hey, there trafficker. Matt Gaetz. Hey, there you go. Ginger Gaetz. Sean Spicer.

Was his date old enough to drink? Sean Spicer spent his entire time by the hors d'oeuvres of just big red gum. Just chewing. He's chewing everything. He's just constantly chewing like a cud machine. Alex Acosta. Sebastian Gorka. Oh, he was able to get in.

They cleared him to get in. They couldn't clear him to work in the White House. But he can get to the schlaps party. He can get an old party. He can get a shit. Stephen and Katie Miller, Chad Wolk, Greta Van Susteren. That dude is the hardest 35 I've ever seen in my life. Stephen Miller. Oh my God.

The hardest 35. He is absolute proof that the dark side eats your body from the inside out. Oh my God. That guy is the hardest 30 year old I've ever seen in my life. He looks fucking, he looks rough. He looks, he looks over.

He looks like, he looks like super max prison 30. Yeah, man. Yeah. Yeah. He, he looks like, he looks like a man who is just like

he was born with a hangover and never recovered he was born with a hangover and a receding hairline yeah uh chad wolf i don't know greta van susteren john cole laura schlapp brian wells Brian Wells, Brendan Carr, George Santos, Aaron and Nick Perrin, Eric Prince, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Ziad O'Jackley, I don't know that guy, Peter Davidson, Stephen Holland, and Ben Terrace. This sounds like, oh, if there was a cocktail party reception in hell, this would be it. This would be it. This is like the opposite answer of, hey, who would be your fucking 12 favorite dinner guests? Oh,

yeah, exactly. Right. Like, like this is, this is the, this is the curse lamp. You say,

I want, I want to have an interesting dinner party. And he delivers all of these, all of these guys. Jesus Christ. And fucking Brett. Why the fuck are you there? Brett Kavanaugh.

Brett Kavanaugh. To me, man, Brett Kavanaugh. Why the fuck are you there, Brett Kavanaugh? Brett Kavanaugh, to me. What the fuck, man? Brett Kavanaugh looks like somebody ran. You know, you remember back in the day, the Muppet Show? Do you remember Beaker? If you ran him through an AI generator and made him into a person,

like a flesh puppet, he would look like Brett Kavanaugh. Yes. He's like a Beaker as a flesh puppet. That's what he looks like to me. But he's like an awful person. And this is on the heels, Tom, of that story that came out.

We talked about a couple of weeks ago where they were talking about these people who had access to the Supreme Court justices, wined and dined them, talked to them, had enough access and enough influence so that they were brought in. At least they claim that they were brought in and knew about rulings before the Supreme Court actually released their decisions.

And so, you know, this is all on the heels of that. And it just shows you that there is no ethics behind there. There's no ethics committee. There's no watchdog. Nobody's doing anything. And these people who make decisions that unilaterally change the United States. unilaterally change the United States. And this is one of nine people in a system that is heavily weighted towards one side and already is influenced by that side, is being even more influenced by that side by partying and hanging out with these people.

Yeah, man. That story broke. And the takeaway should be, holy shit, guys, we got to get our shit on lock because it's self-evident that we are subject to influence from social interactions. And instead, it's like, how about if I just party with people that like shut with people that are actually involved in everyday politics? Not even. There's not even a pretense here. Fucking Matt Gaetz. Are you fucking serious? Sean Spicer? Are you fucking

for real? Eric Prince? What the fuck, man? You could say what you want about the old Supreme Court, right? But I really do feel like at least, you know, Ginsburg and Scalia used to go hang out with each other. You know what I mean? At least there was

something where they were just like, yeah, it's really inappropriate for me to go hang out with fucking Bill Clinton. So I just, I have to hang out with people that are sort of in this group. Like, like you're kind of just going to be friends with these people. You know what I mean? Like,

because if you start being friends with influential people outside of this circle, you can, you have an opportunity been manipulated and we've seen it happen. So, you know, there needs to be something there that either limits

their ability or limits their term and you know I think you I think you just say okay everybody gets a four year term and you're sequestered

that's it it's fucking big brother go hang out in a big house right if you want to make it so it doesn't like land on a presidential election

or something make it a five-year term, make it, make it an odd number. Exactly. Yeah. Do whatever you got to do. I get that piece,

but like, get the fuck out of here with this idea that we have an independent judiciary. No, it's just bullshit. We just don't. We hired stooges. They couldn't like,

if they were like, they couldn't be more stooges if they were like throwing up their hands and nyuk, nyuk, nyuking and trying to poke each other in the eyes. Like I'm a, I would not be surprised if I went to DC

and I saw fucking Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett carrying an oversized piece of plate glass across a fucking street. And you know, these are the fucking actual stooges. If you try to do that to Stephen Miller though, try to poke him in the eyes,

your hand comes back covered with the abyss. It's just like all over your hand. It's just like black. It's like that black stuff from fucking Fifth Element that's leaking down the guy's head. Oh, the stuff that leaked down Rudy Giuliani's head. It's the same stuff. it's time for vulgarity for charity which means it's time to welcome back two best friends and what i presume is a make a wish gotten way out of hand noah heath and eli yeah that's that's accurate we let him throw out the first pitch in one podcast he just keeps living somehow it's crazy insurance

companies are going under like ftx they don't know what to do they have to change actuarial tables yeah it's true. Yeah. Left and right. But of course, no vulgarity for charity would be complete without the presence of this week's guest roaster, Cara Santa Maria. Cara, welcome back. I don't even know what blackmail you guys have on me at this point.

Yeah, it's better that way, Cara. Trust us. Let the memories... It's like you guys have been watching The Vow. This is like discover that I have an Eli Bosnick tattoo. It's like you guys have been watching The Vow. Like this is like, discover that I have like an Eli Bosnick tattoo. It's not going to be good. That was really specific. I think it's very tasteful. Get over yourself.

All right. Before we begin, we need to thank our favorite donors. The ones who just like to see the number go up and ask for nothing in return. Big thanks to Derek M, Anita, Ann W, Jill K, Ashley W, and Mike S. And if possible, even more thanks to John F, Maggie S, Betty G, AJ, Ruth, and John F. And of course, the thankiest of all thanks to Christine M, Drew, Marshall, John J, Natasha, and Lisa H.

All right, enough of that mushy stuff. Let's get to the good bits. Kara, you got quite a few requests this year. Kim would like you to roast her boyfriend, Sam. Yeah. Okay. So according to Kim, Sam is a world-class research scientist. And I looked him up because usually that's a lie. Someone tells their boyfriend to make up for the fact that he can't make eye contact with her dad, but she's right. Sam has an H index score of 63 and appears to have spent most of his career

begging people not to set the woods on fire. So, you know, less influential than a gender reveal party, but still good. So instead, I'm going to roast his obsession with putting his hands on his dog's head and insisting that she has bangs. What? Yeah, Sam, we get it. If my hairline was as close to the middle of my back as yours, I'd probably be obsessed with combing over as well, but you're really just making it worse.

Okay. You look like you and your girlfriend saw me across the old age home and you really like my vibe. Brutal. All right, Eli, you're up next. Michael S would like you to roast Simon Campbell in your best, best? No. In a

British accent. I was gonna say. Oh, I say, Simon, old boy, now that we've run out of that prize money we won for coming in fifth place at the Nigel Farage lookalike contest, we've come to pick on an IQ more equivalent to our own, that

of Americans, I see. Well, you're out of luck, old boy, because the days of charming Brits coming in and repeating American bigotry and a British accent for money have come and gone. Now we're reading the Bible on tape and attending meetings with Donald Trump and Nick Fuentes, don't you know? But don't worry, when you get caught in January 6th 2 electric boogaloo, they'll send you straight home to jolly old England, I'm sure. Whatever that was. All right, Heath, you're up next. Elvin Anganair would

like you to rose people who think they them pronouns are grammatically incorrect. Oh, cool. Yeah. If somebody says that, they are wrong. Just look what it says in the latest edition of every major style guide. You're just objectively wrong. But even before the use of they,

them for people who don't want gender specific pronouns, we had they, them being used as a singular ignorant fucks. There's a fairly recent author actually. I mean, okay, kind of obscure, but I think it's worth mentioning. William Shakespeare.

And they used they all the time as a singular they. Also, that time I was using it as a plural too because of all the other writers on their team, Shakespeare's sort of bunch of... Read a fucking book. And then after you read that book, go die so we can move forward as a society without you. All right, Noah, this next one is for you wes would like a roast of his cat julia oh yeah it's always so much to work with when you're roasting

people's pets um okay so yeah i know you said the cat lost its ear because of a tumor i don't believe you this cat is very clearly a sociopathic wizard or something. Looks like one of Cecil's cats. And I feel like that ear went the way of Prometheus's liver or Odin's eye or something. And they gave it up in exchange for knowing how to summon the great destroyer

and end humanity's reign altogether. Sweet, innocent kitty, my ass, Wes. This is the sidekick of Gozer the Gozerian or some shit. Say yes. All right. Cecil, Derek D would like you to roast either Hobby Lobby or Chick-fil-A. Oh, Hobby Lobby. Thank fucking goodness there's a store where you can get a faux distressed wood sign

that reminds me to live, laugh, and love. Pray, gather, and eat. Where would I be without my motivational barn door that tells me to celebrate? I'm so fucking dull witted that I need signage all over my house to do basic everyday shit.

What the sweet fuck is there to celebrate anyway? Cecil, no fussing, no mushing, no backtalking. What the sweet fuck is there to celebrate anyway? Cecil, no fussing, no mussing, no backtalking. What does it say? If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat. Get out of Hobby Lobby, you freaks.

And of course, Tom, Laura donated 200 bucks for you and I to take back the mean things we said about Wisconsin. Done. 200 easy bucks. There we go. No.

All right. Listen. No, that's fair. I actually I love Wisconsin. I actually never feel more attractive than I do when I'm in Wisconsin. I mean, in the land of cheese and beer, if you can look down and see your own dick without bending over, you're basically Wisconsin's next top model. Wisconsin is a great state for all of us who need an ego boost. So I've actually put together some travel suggestions if you're heading up north for a little validation hunting.

First, fly into a real city that matters like Chicago and then recognize you're not going to cut it here and immediately flee north. Rent a car and drive until the air thickens with the grease of fryer cheese. That's how you know you've crossed the border. Once there, you could stop off and take in the refined arguments on display by alt-right Nazi cowards at Mythicist Milwaukee. And after the cops remove you to protect their melting snowflakes, you can check out a local brewery where you can drink cheap,

uninspired piss water and then hop in the car for a little of that Wisconsin state sport of shooting holes in traffic signs. And when you've finished, wipe the half-dried vomit from the corner of your mouth and smile because baby,

you're a Wisconsin 10. Take it easy on him, Tom. I can't do it. I'm just going to donate $200 and punch him poster. Paul Ryan, man. Okay.

Tom, Maya gave us 500 bucks for you to roast her ex-boyfriend door. Door. First of all, Maya, take heart. 500 bucks for you to roast her ex-boyfriend, Door? Door? First of all, Maya, take heart. Door is not even a name. That's fucking stupid. That's house parts. That's house parts.

That's nothing. So if nothing else, at least know, Maya, that you get to walk through life with a name that doesn't sound the way his stupid neckbeard face looks. And I know that when you've been through something awful and traumatic brought upon by a selfish, manipulative gaslighting asshole, you might be tempted to downplay the gravity of that abuse. And that's understandable.

Self-protective. Even you do what you need for you, but door doors, best days are long behind him while yours are still ahead of you. And if there is any justice at all, door will live a long life, each day spreading out before him an endless vista of inevitable decline, the hours stretching and pulling to take up every inch of space before collapsing against one another to painstakingly

slowly backfill the years of emptiness and sorrow that define his every waking moment and while this happens maya you will be oblivious because even as he rots in the stale and undying hell of being himself you will eventually forget him completely leaving even the memory of him to languish alone all right knowing you're up next i got a deep cut for you Tom, are you okay? You're in Wisconsin. What's going on? All right, Noah, you're up next. I got a deep cut for you. Mutated wisdom would like a roast of Venezuelan diplomat Dozzer Zerland. What?

Yeah. What did I even just read? Let me tell you, Google's never heard of the motherfucker. This was fun. Feels like it's spelled backwards or or something like it's a code back to his dimension when you say it yeah so we're gonna get an email that i didn't pronounce that right and i'm not going to read it so yeah no specifically uh he asked for a roast of his understanding of anthropology evolution and climate change which would be like asking for

a roast of my understanding of engine repair malaysian grammar in 18th century parisian fashion my god man in the video that that he sent the dude describes evolution in a way so laughable and stupid and racist that ray comfort would have stepped in to correct him right it's not that not that so i i guess all i can do, all that I can offer you mutated wisdom is that he looks like somebody tried to make jerky out of Speedy Gonzalez's really slow cousin. You remember him? Slowpoke Rodriguez. All right, Heath, this next one is for you.

Travis donated 50 bucks and RJ donated 1500 bucks for you to roast the wool dasher. Mizzle careful. Well, who's the wool dasher? Mizzle. He's like,

he's a high fairy and in a shoe, you can't say his name three times. I left for two months and he's in a fight with a shoe. I told you we'd get weird without you to protect us. Kara. Okay. He's real. He turned my feet into a toaster,

one toaster. It doesn't even make sense. I don't feet into a toaster One toaster It doesn't even make sense I don't know what's happening One toaster And then I went to see him To get my feet back And he was in a magic battle On a floating platform

With, I think, a really aggressive Razor salesman Or something like that And then the two of them started kissing And making hard eye contact with me It was really confusing I think I love them I don't making hard eye contact with me. It was really confusing. I think I love them. I don't know what's happening to me.

What? For the cognitive dissonance listeners that don't listen to our show are going to love that bit. Come on over to Scare the Atheist once in a while, guys. We've gotten real weird over there. Gotten.

All right, Kara, you're up next and Kelly would like you to roast Cecil and I. Okay. So, Tom and Cecil

are the Waldorf and Statler of Atheist Podcasting, by which I mean when I mention your names, the vast majority of people have no idea who I'm talking about and your names, the vast majority of people have no idea who I'm talking about

and your dynamic would be a lot more charming if you were gay. That's fair. Painful, hurtful, it's eternal. I liked it.

Thank you. You're welcome. All right, Cecil, one to cheer you up here. Jenna would like you to roast people who read Atlaslas shrugged atlas shrugged is a fantasy novel about a made-up technology by a self-proclaimed

world's best inventor a guy who can't stop smelling his own ass and who never gets tired of hearing his own name so he makes a free speech libertarian paradise and rejects the dollar for a way less practical currency. I mean, why bother reading the novel when you could just follow Elon Musk on Twitter? You're wasting your time. You're wasting your time. All right, Eli, buddy, this one's for you. Stuart donated $5,000 for you to roast Serene, CEO of Salesforce.

Stuart, $5,000. For that kind of money, I would have waited outside his house with a high-powered rifle, Stuart. You people need to ask for more. Look at what happened to Eli's audio. It cut out just as he was about to start his roast of someone.

What do you know? Okay. Wow. Okay. Okay, look, Srini, I get it. You had all those operations to make your head a perfect square, and you're still not a white guy.

It's bad luck. That said, compliments, because you're now completely gained the ability to talk like an over-promoted white tech bro. All you're missing is your own cryptocurrency and a can of Axe body spray, and you'll go to jail like everyone else with your sense of opinion.

That said, if you do ever end up in jail, find the biggest guy on the first day and have him use your head as a stepstool. You'll be protected forever. Irreplaceable. All right, Tom tech savvy fellow that you are. We would like you to roast JavaScript.

I know absolutely nothing about JavaScript. I looked up why people, Tom's a real c-sharp guy yeah well so i looked up why people hate it and now i somehow know even less but i i lost information and i just started with the word javascript but i gather that javascript sucks because it's easy to make mistakes and it's hard to find them once you've made them. And while I am by no means an expert on coding, that seems like exactly the wrong way to make a coding language. Isn't the whole point of doing shit with the goddamn computer is that you don't have to do all the fucking work. If I write a

script and I still have to do all the work, who's working for who? This shit, guys. This is how Skynet gets us. It's not going to launch a bunch of missiles at us. It's just going to distract us into pointlessly bug hunting all day while the computers have fucking python orgies or whatever while we're distracted. Well, that's the

buzzer, which means it's time for a Spikening Round. Category is Family Feuds. For this round of roasts, I'd like you to tell me just what part of the family tree these unfavored family members flew off. Damn it, Eli, stop writing alliteration for people. It's mean.

No one will do it when I write it for him, so I have to do it every time. Eli, did you write some of this stuff? Did you write it? Do you want us to announce which parts exactly, or should we each say when we wrote something i think it's pretty obvious which parts i get to write once a year he once a year i'm allowed to write the intro that's the year it's all noah and his fancy all right all right there you go thank you carrie you're up tell us us a bit about Olivia's mom's cousin,

Dwight. So cousin Dwight, what can I say? Cousin Dwight stole Olivia's mom's eulogy that she wrote of her sister. And then he just like roasted it. So I don't know. What's the most useless part of the tree? Bird shit on the bark. Yes.

He's bird shit on the bark. No, I actually take that back because bird shit feeds something. But Hey, speaking's bird shit on the bar. No, I actually take that back because bird shit feeds something. But hey, speaking of bird shit, Dwight looks like he goes into the salon and asks for the baby's first haircut. He even insists on sitting in the chair that looks like an airplane.

If a comb over could become an overbite, it would be Olivia's mom's cousin, Dwight. What does bird shit feed? I'm just curious about that comment. There's something in the food web. You.

You. Fertilizes the soil. Yo mama. All right. Well done, Cecil. This next one, Dave's brother Matt. Yeah. Yo mama. All right. Well done. Cecil, this next one,

Dave's brother, Matt, that's for you. Matt looks like some grandpa wished howdy duty could be a real boy someday. The tree that they carved howdy duty from, I guess. I don't know. That's the branch.

Also, I guess I'm supposed to make fun of him for being careful when he's preparing his coffee. This guy's married out of high school with a kid and an Air Force vet. Let him forget his joyless existence for 10 seconds while he distracts himself with coffee, Dave, you K-Cupper. What the fuck, man?

God. You K-Cupper as a slur makes me very happy. Right? K-Cupper is great. First coffee slur makes me very right first coffee slur tom finally this next one's for you what part of the tree is julie's dad joe from joe fell from whichever part of the tree that's that one part that becomes so hyper fucking fixated on being brilliant at only one thing that every conceivable ounce of energy and intellect he had left to offer was consumed by this pursuit leaving him completely incompetent and credulous

in a way that the toddlers will gather around the lincoln logs to mock him for that's how they hired at enron actually what you just described that's what they're looking for and he's what part of the family treated matt's father-in-law, Ken, fall from? Okay, so I'm going to give you a little context. Here's the email we got about father-in-law, Ken. He complained for the past three months about how worried he is that Republicans

would take over Congress. And after all the obsessing and complaining, he did not vote in the midterms. What? That's what that guy did. So, Ken, I hate to break it to you, but you're from the Republican part of the tree. Oh, that's the meanest thing on the road.

You're from a branch that started in the good part of the tree and it curled all the way around next to the neo-Nazi branch. It's right there next to you. Look to your left and look to your right right now. You see that neo-Nazi right there? Yeah, you're adjacent to neo-Nazis. You helped them. Also, right next to you is all the people in Germany who didn't vote in 1934 because, you know, the major parties are all the same.

I can't pick. Neo-liberals. I'm using that correctly. That's useful right now. I'm not fucking up everything ever in the world. Yes, you're next to that person. Also, Ken doesn't get along with dogs. You're fucking Hitler.

You're literally Adolf Hitler. Two votes. You're also wearing socks and sandals in the picture I saw. Okay. Alright, Eli, you are up with Olivia's dad, Abe, and Darren. Okay, see, I was, when I saw this roast, I was really hoping

for like an adorable pair of gay men getting a loving roast from their daughter, but no! No! I get Olivia's mom's first two strikes. So, side note, Olivia's mom, I know you're a listener, so take it from the heart and soul of the podcast. Let's go with women from now on, huh?

Both your ex-husbands assure me it's a choice and if the other choice was them i recommend it huh let's try the other side for a bit but they're supposed to be part of a tree so abe is obviously the dick-shaped root that teenagers take a picture with but nobody actually fucks it and dan is like a dead tree right but so dead that the city cuts it down. Right. So dangerous and ancient that like even the slow moving sluggish ineffective city council is in agreement that it's for the public good that he's gone. That's Darren. Wow. All right.

And lastly, Noah, why don't you take someone who was very nearly family? Lance's ex-fianceeily yeah okay so if i had to guess emily fell off the like like a canker that was left after some bacterial pathogens settled into a wound on the tree because emily's a fucking parasite i don't know for sure but regardless of what part of the tree she fell off of she landed on some other dude's dick right so i can see how the x got there so good on you lance looks like you dodged a bullet slow moving though it may have been well done all next up we've got a round of special requests these come from our high rollers so pull out all the stops heath your first nick h donated 850 bucks for you to roast Reverend Troy Schmidt

okay this is excellent Reverend Schmidt was a chaplain until he got fired imagine being so fucking inept that you got fired from your job as magical liaison that's the job and you got fired what would that

even mean like he had a meeting with the bobs the consultants and, and they were like, okay, so you listen to real people and then you bring their wishing down to the nothing? Because that is a job that we have, but you're doing it really badly and we have to fire you. So he got fired and now he runs a Christian hate group because of the fucking chorus he does and Nick who requested the roast he would love to hear

a good fuck your face for the reverend so I'll start by saying fuck your face but I was thinking maybe we can harmonize it so Cecil Eli

and Kara you think you could do like a dominant 7th chord I'll start as a fuck your face fuck your face fuck your face fuck your face wow that was beautiful

fuck your face that was not even close to it that was a recessive 7th I'll auto tune it I'll have Ian auto tune it I'll have Ian auto tune it I didn't have much to work with there get some of that Tony award winning work in here Ian's not going to do it I'll have Ian auto-tune it. I'll have Ian auto-tune it. It'll be perfect. I didn't have much to work with there. It was a regressive auto-tune.

Yeah. I hope you all, you better auto-tune that. Tony award winning work in here. Ian's not going to do it. Give me the Beyonce treatment. He's too lazy. He's not going to do it.

Ian won't do it. Are you kidding me? I shouldn't say shit. I just had to start with any root note and I had no idea. All right, Eli, Melanie C, Leslie, and Diana would like you to roast the one and only, this is me, Max Bosnick.

Max. Max. Max. I haven't slept past 7 a.m. in two and a half years, Max. The prisoners at Abu Ghraib at least got to listen to music, buddy. You're so fucking expensive. You're so expensive. Preschool, speech therapy, occupational therapy.

People visit hookers on a weekly basis and spend less money, which is ironic since you're the biggest cock block since Heath's personality. Wow. Can you focus on physical appearances, maybe? I'd love to be roasted for being, you know, like overweight instead. That'd be great. But, Max, you are worth it you are worth every second you are worth every dollar every pulled gray beard hair because you are

the light of the world and i can't imagine a second of not wanting to be your dad but if you make me listen to five baby chicks one more time i'm gonna kill you and your mother with a fire axe i'm just letting you know. They're not in conflict, those two statements. Okay, moving on from that quickly. Kara, Curtis would like a roast of Mormon something or other, Dallin H.

Oaks. So Dallin H. Oaks looks like if the Keebler elves made hate crimes. He looks like he regularly gets called into the HR office of Gringotts Wizarding Bank for being a little much. Most importantly, Dallin has never gotten an erection that didn't press up against that magic underwear.

And so when he dies, the women in his life should baptize all the orgasms he killed like they found them on genealogy.com. Yeah. All right, Noah, this next one is for you. Trip gave us $1,000 for you to roast Vladimir Putin. Oh, great pick. Love it.

Right. Well, so it is a tough one for me me but only because i already dedicated an entire citation needed essay to making fun of vladimir putin the fucking failed shrinky dink of a man that he is and i don't want to always come out all twisted or whatever so but anyway so i don't want to cannibalize the material from there except i have to point out that he spends a lot of time in his autobiography talking about how bullied he didn't get in school all of his authorized biographies and there are several make a big deal out of how everybody knew better than to bully little tiny vladimir putin anyway i do not have a tattoo of eli on my back that's a specific thing that's not true about me i'm just saying

yeah but i love it this has been my favorite news story my second favorite news story after the truth social stuff has this year has been putin invading ukraine thinking he was gonna be taking candy from a baby and then spending the whole year with his like like he's pinned to the floor with his arm behind his back a baby's pissing on the back of his head trying to convince us no this is my plan all along he's washing out a lot of stuff from my hair bleaches it yeah dude yeah dude blatty you would be lewis carroll's queen of hearts if you were more physically imposing but you're just not all right cecil that's right cecil i don't believe you alex gave us a thousand and fifty dollars for you to roast his tinder profile alex, your Tinder profile looks like an advertisement

for black market livestock dealer. Farmer's market hipster who wants me to try a free sample of unpasteurized llama milk. You know what's not going to get you laid, Alex? Innuendo math puns in your Tinder profile. Once you get in those DMs, you're going to call her a cute.

Something about pie and never ending. Real clever. Super clever, dude. Might as well cut out the hassle and make a female effigy entirely out of desiccant packets. You're not going to eat either one. And ditch all the pictures

except for the one of you hugging the goat. Handlebar mustaches are for long-term relationships when her will is broken from years of regret. Okay? That's what it says

on the side of most mustache wax. If you don't read it. Years of regret. And Tom, Kevin would like you to roast his wife's dad, Lauren, which let me save you 20 minutes of confusing searching of our spreadsheet and inbox is a dude's name sometimes. Thank you, Cecil. Lauren is one of those guys whose entire self is so wrapped up in nesting dolls of bullshit and hypocrisy that it is impossible to peel that onion. He's actually like an everlasting gobstopper made of endless layers of shit

and trying to sell you that he's really very sweet if you could just get past the smell and the taste. Lauren's whole life, his whole self is based on this idea of himself that only he holds a perfect respectable self that is only visible in the liar's mirror of his own mind. But there is nothing more transparent than guys like this nothing more painfully visible in his limitless banality he's the

personification of so what he's a shrug not written large but small he is a yawn you get bored of halfway through the making. Warren is a blank billboard alongside a road no one travels by. For years, he has been on the verge of fake cancer death because he knows that the only attention he can ever be worthy of is pity. And he's not even worth that. And one day when he finally actually dies, his final moments will be of only confusion when he looks around at the absence that surrounds him and the emptiness that silently greets the merging of his nothing

with the void he slips into jesus christ okay before we close out the night it's time for us to reward some of our high dollar donors these folks getting bored by, yup, there are some good ones. We got to make these into shirts for high donors or something. Just wasted here in the ether. These folks chucked in so much cash,

they deserve a full court press. Let's start with a rose from Ian and Sarah of Cecil and I. This is thanks to the folks who donated on our live stream and tapped out our match at $5,000. So thanks to specifically Ken and Heather D and Lou Z, who specifically made the Ian request. Take it away, Ian and Sarah.

Roast Tom and Cecil, my bosses. Well, if there's one thing I've learned about being paid to be online, it's that white men have notoriously the thickest skin. So here we go. The thing about Tom and Cecil is that they're two white dudes with a podcast. Boom. Roasted. Done. Oh, it needs to be more, but not too much. And don't be too nice. Sure. Why not? Here we go again. Maybe while I'm working on this, one of them can go drop a meme about Peterson or vaccines and not tell me so I can spend the rest of my day and night arguing with incels like I've got nothing better to do. What makes this so hard is I like Tom and Cecil. I

barely have to do anything and they never even notice or they assume it's Ian that's dropped the ball. When am I ever going to find bosses who care so little about what I'm doing? As a longtime listener, one thing I can say about Tom and Cecil is I really appreciate their opinions on women's issues and racial justice. It's refreshing to see a podcast about two white dudes talking about stuff like race and gender without getting drowned out by diverse voices. You don't see that often or ever. As an employee, I love that they let me share my ideas on our calls. Sometimes I feel like they're even actually listening to me. It feels great to be only semi-included every so often on live streams,

too. It reminds me of my dad, but double, so that's fun. I'd much rather have indifference than acknowledgement, though, because I've worked in corporate America, and there's nothing worse than a white guy for a boss discovering you're actually capable and can be trusted with more responsibility. No thank you. Let me stick to the memes and sorting emails into folders and spreadsheets you never actually look at. Like the show, there's no need to change the formula ever. It's working. Glory hole.

And now, a roast of Tom and Cecil presented by Ian. So Ian, what do you think of Tom and Cecil? Who? And this has been a think of Tom and Cecil? Who? And this has been a roast of Tom and Cecil. Okay, for real Ian, you know they're the hosts of the show. There's a show? Yes, why do you think we make the ads? Fun?

No, it's for Tom's leg lengthening surgery and the medication for Cecil's werewolf syndrome. Wait, are there actual people behind the email I send for money each month? Yes, that could be easily outsourced. That's someone's job to wait for an email with numbers and then pay it? What the fuck? I swear you know the podcast. It's the one where they laugh at their own jokes. Oh, Knowledge Fight?

No, no, no, they're doing their own jokes. Oh, knowledge fight? No, no, no, they're doing better than us. Puzzle in a thunderstorm? No, no, no, don't. Confirmation bias? Cognitive dissonance. Sure, yeah, whatever. Yeah, well, you know, since we're such great employees, unlike some other people, I can only say that they're great. But more than great, like a present tense great, like a great ting.

Like their boomer humor is great ting. Their content is great ting. Their incessant need to ask, why is my computer not loading? Or how come internet not work the same different day? Or why come advertisement in newspaper not get listeners is all great ting. or not getting listeners is all great ting. And it would be a great ting if you donated on the next live stream for me. You know, I'd like to buy my baby a Christmas present for Godless sake.

Oh, and Sarah will be there too. I guess you can donate if you want. But yeah, so this podcast is great ting. Is that it? Sure. Thank you for listening. Can we get back to making what actually matters? The ads?

And if you want to actually matter, go to adamandeve.com. This is not the place for it, Ian. Not right now? Okay, go bye. All right, this next one is something I know we can all agree on. Beth donated $5,000 for us to roast people who walk through crowded public places with their heads down. In my defense, you have no defense, I will push you down an up escalator.

Yes. It was so fun when Kara did that last time. It was the best. It looked like a vegan slinky made of like soy fondue just going. That's true, I fondue. I was there for a while. I navigate through a large

crowd of strangers using a simple solution to protect yourself and others. It's like you're unvaccinated, but with vision. Yeah. You want to see me shift over like I'm trying to draw a fucking charge because this is how you see me shift over like I'm trying to draw a fucking charge. Jesus,

you're already bending in the right direction. Why not finish the job and just shove your head up your ass and walk through? I have no fucking sympathy for this shit at all. Look, chuckle fuck, you're in a crowd. The crowd didn't come to you. You can't be bothered to look up. Look, more

than anything else, I hope someday you take this stupid fucking attitude and you wander your dumb, oblivious ass right into the running of the bulls but i know i know that even as the horns penetrate your dumb pointless flesh it still will not penetrate your thick fucking head and next up i love this one dave donated four thousand dollars for us to roast the automatic tvs at gas pumps oh good thank you okay look i understand that i am a weekly meth habit away from hosting on one of these things you know since i moved to florida i am considering it strongly but also like who are these products for really who are they for anyone who is to buy a gallon bucket of coffee already knows you sell them because they, like me, have not yet given in to their market.

Right. Look, who the fuck was thinking, you know what goes great with gas fumes and piss stained concrete? Three minutes of banal entertainment news and a weather forecast for a town that i'm leaving as soon as i'm done pumping this fucking gas right there are there are seven americans who are both old enough to pump gas and not carrying a more impressive entertainment system with them everywhere they go all the fucking time shut the fuck up with your stupid little tv and stop interrupting whatever more interesting thing I was already listening to on my goddamn phone. Right?

I'd rather use a Galaxy Note 7 at the pump than watch that TV. Are you kidding me? Thank you, Gas Station TV. Thank you for not leaving me even one fucking moment with my thoughts. Thank you for taking even the four minutes when I might have a minute to myself this week and blaring

your ads at my face with no way to turn them off so I never even get that one moment of reprieve. When I write my manifesto, I will be sure to note you in the goddamn credits, Gas Station TV. Okay.

I kind of like Maria Menounos. I just like, I usually stay for a while longer. And last and sexually least, we got quite a few roasts for Tom. Venture Free donated $1,290.17 for us to roast Tom for not roasting Mr. Rogers last year. And Brad

and Lori, our second highest donors of the fundraiser, tossed in a whopping $12,000 for everyone to have a go at Tom. Why is this happening? Whatever you want, but in the style of Tom's roasts. All right. Tom here with another PSA

from next to my rainy window pane in the middle of an empty room. Listening to the silent symphony of cellular decay played by an armless man with a violin made of abject regret. And the unrequited love of your disappointed father. love of your disappointed father. Now I shall name some things that are true slowly with many, many, many commas.

We, we, as a human society, as a meaningless collection of meat molecules, have become utterly bereft of any semblance or pretense or facade or even sousa of morality and it's because of the internet there was no evil before the internet

that never existed now it does and that's why we need to ban all electricity forever and also donuts we will ban donuts and that's because donuts are the root cause of all child sex trafficking also important the best food in the world is a Danish

covered in cheese paste that's both too dry and too wet at the same time. Those are some important things for you. The more you do this. Yes. Okay. Okay.

So I thought I was going to have a really hard time roasting Tom because, you know, then I'd have to like remember which one he is. But then Eli, wow, that didn't get the laugh I expected. But then, sorry Tom. It's just my heart, it's just my heart. You're on my show, that's all right, please proceed. But then Eli told me a deep dark secret,

which was all the ammunition that I need. Okay, so Tom is afraid of BetterHelp. Yeah, that's right. Like a dog with a vacuum. Tom is sure that BetterHelp is going to suck up all of his vital fluids based on an article that he read in Jezebel. Jezebel, Tom? Jezebel. Jezebel, Tom? You thought the hard-hitting journalism about data theft was in between

this fall's hot new lip colors and 10 tips to drive him wild in the sack? That's kind of shitty, Eli. To be clear, Eli wrote this. I did not write this. I know. I wrote a really good feminist shit on Jezebel. Jezebel's legit.

Eli clearly is struggling with his feminism right now. So let's make sure that we include that next year. Right now. Just start reading articles. You got to dig a little. You got to dig. Okay.

It's like the times you got to go below the fall. Okay. I got, I got you. I got you. Just say you don't want to turn out like Eli, Tom. I don't want to turn out like Eli. Yes. I don't want to turn out like Eli.

Yes. Thank you. That's why everyone else in the podcast isn't in therapy. It's a fine non-therapeutic tradition. It's a motivator. Tom impression. Here we go. Here's the thing about Tom, Lori and Brad.

Men like Tom aren't. They go through life flippy flappy, and Brad. Men like Tom aren't. They go through life flippy flappy, scoop scoop, but that's because there's nothing there. Just a desolate wasteland, a baby in the center of the Sahara desert, a lonely penguin in an iron cage,

a moat of dust, and a spaceship's air filter. That's what Tom is. And when he dies, the ones who love him will leave him on the living room sofa, putrefying and puffing, sinking into the upholstery. Not even the change between couch cushions

will accept him. All is lost. We can never return to childhood. Our one and only home. These are all pretty good, but they're all a pale comparison of what Tom can do, so I didn't even try.

Here we go. Tom's arms are so short, he gets his vest sleeves taken in. And his vests look like someone couldn't figure out how to put on chaps. Tom couldn't roast Mr. Rogers because he knew it was a reach. A reach.

A reach. See, that's what I went after. See, so much is made of Tom's roast style. But let's be honest, what Tom does is say all his darkest personal fears out loud and pretend he was talking about somebody else. Right. But I, too, can't get over the failure that he had to roast Mr. Fucking Rogers like people donated to charity to hear this shit. And we're talking about a Presbyterian minister who looks like Alfred E. Newman's grandpa

and spent all this time trying to befriend other people's kids. I mean, I get why everybody else feels the need to be nice to the dude and act like he wasn't a religious nut and a registered Republican. But you, Tom, if ever there was somebody I thought I could count on to finally point out that Fred Rogers probably at least wanted to fuck you. It was you, and you failed me. And it hurt. Okay, won't you be my neighbor

is exactly what people say when they walk around for Megan's Law. Like, that makes sense. It started as him just introducing himself and then he like turned it into a... He said it so many times. You guys, the script just says outro now. You're ending on this? Yeah. Ending on this. You're ending on this? Yeah.

Ending on this. We've ended on worse, Kara. We've ended on worse. Did you not feel like that was a high point? I felt like that was a high point. Yeah. I thought I brought it home there, Kara. Thanks for the note. Let's do that thing where you're like,

fuck kids, fuck kids, fuck kids. Why don't we just do that? Fuck kids. Can we all die? Sometimes that works. Power through, Tom. Power through. Well, we're done with that now.

Thank God. I don't know. You guys, thank you so much. Kara, thank you for coming on. Eli, I guess you were also here. Heath, Noah, thank you guys as well. We'll do more Vulgarity for Charity and hopefully you guys will not roast me more.

Why are people paying for this? That's a lot. We're moving on. We're moving on. Thousands of dollars. Yeah. So we'd like to thank our patrons. Of course, we'd like to thank our patrons. Of course, we'd like to thank all our patrons.

We'd like to thank our newest patrons, New and Danit. Thank you so much for your generous donations. We really do truly appreciate it. Thank you so much. You guys are the reason that Glory Hole Studios exists. We got a message from Jamie, and Jamie says, I was looking at the story about the child rapist cult leader, Samuel Bateman. This was from last episode, And I came across the article.

I didn't hear you mention his full name, but according to this, the whole full name is Samuel. It's either Rappy Lee or Rapey Lee Bateman. I don't know the pronunciation on that, but it really is not great. Wow. You know, back in the day, Cecil,

you know, like surnames came from the thing that you did. You know what I mean? So you were a Smith because you were a black Smith and maybe you're a rapey Lee because you're rapey. I don't know, man. I don't know. Come from a long line of something. We got a message from Travis and he sent us a video and it's a trailer of a movie about God that lives in a glowing hole. So if the puzzle guys ever do this, they have to have a sign to do that. That'll be fun. We got a message from Seth and Seth sent an image and the image is a woman and it says, I'm just going to read it. We're not going to post on this week's show notes because I don't know if the image does anything. It says, I'm just going to read it. We're not going to post on this week's show notes because I don't know

if the image does anything. It says, me listening to religious people describe heaven as a moneyless, stateless, classless world then criticize communism.

No shit, man. That's good. No shit. And then we also got another image. This is from Casey. This is so good. And Casey sent in, and this is analysis on how

rafael warnock defeated herschel walker and here's a quote from this atlanta journal constitution herschel was like a plane crash into a train wreck that rolled into a dumpster fire and an orphanage then an animal shelter you kind of had to watch it squinting through one eye between your fingers. And it was close. It's so true. It's so true. We got a review on our, on our,

on our page and it's from lone wolf. So thank you for the review. We do see every review that comes in. We see everyone. We got a message from Marie and Marie says, remember the last time the world felt normal was the morning of November 2nd 2016

and what happened that evening was so unlikely it shattered the space-time continuum the Chicago Cubs won the World Series I forgot about that

it was the same year I didn't realize we were recording that night I guess it's true I guess it's true yeah I do we were in studio yeah it was crazy

we were in studio the city erupted. It went crazy. They were ringing the bells down the street for like 10 minutes. Yeah. I drove home. We were like,

oh, we're done recording. I'm going to leave before people pile into the streets. Yeah. Got a message from Adrian. Adrian said, marriage in France, the only way to get married

is by the mayor or a member of the city council authorized by the mayor of your town or residency. And then the rest of it, all the rest of the stuff is like by a church. But in order to get like

actually like legally married, it has to be through like this guy, like a guy in the town. That's cool. What happens in Paris? They must have like a bunch of different people. They probably just have

a whole bunch of people's job is just to do that just to do that work yeah alright so we want to thank the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm guys Noah, Heath and Eli

for coming on doing Vulgarity for Charity for inviting us into Vulgarity for Charity into the fold we raised over a million dollars with them we want to thank them

for inviting us to do Vulgarity for Charity this idea was there as we introduced them to Modest Needs it's been a great working together relationship that has really solidified

into some great charity work. So I want to thank them for inviting us in. And of course, we want to thank Kara Santamaria. You can check her out on Skeptic's Guide to the Universe. She also guests on GAM and has many other things. We're going to put it in the show notes this week. I want to thank her for joining us as well. Next week, Tom, tip jar

for our employees. Christmas tip jar. I don't know. The more that goes in, maybe the less Ian wears. Who knows? But Ian and Sarah will be on. Oh, we got a live stream tip jar with Ian.

Live stream next week. Thursday night, show up, hang out. If you want a super chat, we are going to take all the super chat money and we're going to give it to them that night. We're going to also cover the Google expense because Google is going to tap us for that Superchat money, but we're going to cover that expense. So you can make us hurt. The more money you give, the more we have to pay too. So we're happy to cover that expense for them.

They're great employees. And once a year or so, we like to have people appreciate them. They're not great. Yeah, they're all right, but it's nice. People seem to like them, I guess is what I'm saying. They're employees. They do pass that. And we do 1099s for both of them. So that makes, it's important distinction.

But yeah, so if you want to show up and you want to hang out and you want to chat with them, they're going to be reading Super Chats. They're going to be hanging out. We're just going to be chilling. It's the stream before Christmas.

Come hang out with us. We're going to make a eggnog substitute and drink it in studio. You're going to want to hang out with us. It's going to be Thursday night, 9 p.m. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment.

Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. There's evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive.

Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Gloryhole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local Dairy Council and viewers like you. you