Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 667: Neighbor of the Beast

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from... Hold on, let me put you on, just there we go we want to make it official for the first first extra first time first it's gonna look like i'm a total bum because i'm wearing the same clothes you are wearing the same clothes monday and thursday on thursday you came on monday what i'm gonna have to do is i'm gonna have to bring a change of clothes for the for the thursday you're to have to do shirts and skins.

Nobody wants to see that. We're trying to drive our listenership, not lose our listenership. Go, go. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical.

It's political. And there is no welcome at this episode 667. And this is our new format show. Yay! 667, neighbor of the beast. Neighbor of the beast. I like that. Neighbor of the beast. Neighbor of the beast. I like that. Neighbor of the beast.

Neighbor of the beast. So we got, we got a brand. So here's the thing. When we did the pandemic, when we were doing the pandemic stuff, everything was COVID, right? Every story was COVID. And so you and I just decided

we've got to do something else. So we did man bites dog stories for about a year. And funny enough, there was a ton of people who became like really came really into the show for a while. There's a group of people out there that, you know, like, like they just want to have a funny, they just want to listen to a funny thing. Yeah. And I'll be honest, I had so much fun doing the show that I'm doing the show. We had,

we just laughed about goofy shit for a half an hour to an hour yep and that was and it was so much fun so this is a return this is a return a return a couple times a month we're going to try to do this yep yeah so this story let's launch right in this story comes from yahoo news man stuck in snow breaks into school spends two days cooking shooting hoops new york cops say. That is fucking baller, dude. Literally. But seriously, this guy is stuck in

the blizzard, walks over, he's like, well, I guess I'll go into the school or whatever. He breaks into the school and then he's just like, well, I'm hungry. And then he raids their pantry. Yeah, he's in the cafeteria. He's eating canned peaches or whatever. Self over to the,

one of the whole Mac classrooms. He's like doing a cooking demonstration in there. And he's got his own, he put his little hair net on. He's got his own season liberally going on there. Then he's like, I got to work on some of these calories in the gym. Let me go shoot some three pointers for a while.

It's so good. And then I think he left. He left for a little while to go get his car. His car goes missing because they probably just cleaned it up off the road. And then he's like, well, fuck it. He goes back to the school. He goes back to the school, guys. Like, I have returned to what you know.

Whatever. Just go back and hang out. He was living his best life. I remember when I was in school, like a young kid, I was in school. Like, return to what you know. Whatever. Just go back and hang out. He was living his best life. He really was. I remember when I was in school, like a young kid, I was in school. I remember being like,

when I'm rich, I'm going to buy a school and turn it into my house. And this room will be my bedroom and I'll have a gym. And like, he did it. He really did. He did it.

He lived my fucking sixth grade life, man. If you look down in like really rural parts of the country, you can sometimes find schools. For sale? Old schools for sale. When Sarah and I were looking for a house,

we were moving from Chicago during the pandemic. There was one essentially straight south from Chicago past Kankakee, right? There's a past Kankakee? Kankakee is pretty far south.

Yeah, it is. Kankakee is, if you're from the Chicagoland area, Kankakee is right? There's a past Kankakee? Kankakee is pretty far south. Yeah, it is. Kankakee is, if you're from the Chicagoland area, Kankakee is over an hour from Chicago, straight south on a road called I-57. This place was farther south than that. So it's like Mattoon or something like that, right? It's like a city that you know no one lives in.

Right. But it was genuinely a whole school. A whole school that you could just be like, and then we also saw a bunch of- Did it have a playground? We saw a bunch of churches too. Yeah, there's a tennis courts and a whole thing. Yeah.

I kind of would have bought it. Dude, no. There are churches? There's churches too. There's churches too where there's like a whole church. And then it's like, you know what churches are like because they don't only, most churches don't only, they,

most churches don't only just have the like, the pews and shit. Yeah, yeah. They also have like a whole, like school sometimes attached. Right, yeah. So this one had the praying area. So it had a big,

like one big room. Right. A couple of small rooms where people lived. And then in the basement, they had the whole like, where you would have like the church basement. Oh, like the Cub Scout meetings and shit? Cub Scout meeting, yeah. Oh, I would buy the church and have pancake breakfast

all the time. I would buy the church Just invite people over for pancake breakfast. That'd be awesome. I'd just like start opening the door on Sunday and see who shows up. Not have service, but just kind of like see who swings by. I would 100% turn my sex-having place into the altar.

Oh, 100%. There's no way you do it anymore. You've got to do it. Where else do you do it? Are you kidding me? I mean, you do like water play in the baptismal funds. Are you kidding me? When you come, you have to say- Water sports or whatever it is.

Pew, pew. Pew, pew. You got to shoot it in the side of the cross. There is so much language though. That's like Jesus, like sexual language that you can throw into sex. I mean, come on.

Literally. Come on. Come on. All right. Time to get on our knees and pray. And so the Lord came into them. Come on now. This guy,

by the way, I want to finish this story out because, you know, you can't just leave it as the guy's there. He decides he's going to leave and then he steals

the snow plow and then goes, steals from other places. He was a bad dude. He went on a spree afterwards. He not only like ate all the canned peaches, like he drove

to an electronics store in a stolen pl afterwards. He not only like ate all the canned peaches, like he drove to an electronics store in a stolen plow. He had an absolute fucking banger of a weekend. This guy, yeah. This guy basically like, there was a blizzard and he thought he was in like an end of the world twilight zone.

He really did. He was just like, they're all gone. The people are all gone. Cause like he was later found. He shoots hoops and he breaks his glasses. He's like, no! His only ball deflates.

His only ball. No! He's trying to blow it. He's like, I don't have a fucking one of those needle things. Why do they even make those? It's so stupid. You ever had a ball deflate when you were a kid and you're just like,

I don't have one of those needle things. No. And you have to like figure out how to go. You got to borrow it from a friend and then you can't fill it up at the service station because you need an actual pump. Because you need the thing. That was me like every, like every summer because like the ball would be in the garage. Yeah, then it just deflates. And then it just gets all deflated and shitty over the winter.

And then you're like, oh, cool. Like it's good weather. Like grab the ball. And you're like, and you like throw it on the guys like, and it makes the saddest, a fucking half deflated basketball. It's the worst. Makes the saddest sound. Like the death rattle of your only child

is not as sad as the fucking sound of deflated basketball hitting the ground. Chicago had for years, there was a college team called the Blue Demons and they had a very specific ball. Do you remember? It was red and blue and then it had a demon on it. That was my prized possession when I was a kid. I had a basketball that was red and blue. And I remember for, I want to say it was

like two summers in a row in high school. All I would do in the morning in high school, like when I was like, I would just get up in the morning and I would go to the playground and I would shoot hoops all day long and then go home and then do it again. And then, you know, eventually you meet people and you start playing games. And so now you're playing, you know, 21, a half court 21 for, you know, seven hours a day. And then you just go home. And then you normally, I would go back and play for another two or three hours afterwards and just like play for hours and hours and hours and hours at a time.

Basketball was like the game. Everybody knew somebody that had a hoop. Yeah. Everybody had like a friend that had like a hoop on their garage or whatever. And like my buddy Dave had a hoop on his garage and he always wanted to play basketball and I would always go out

and play, but I never, I was always bad and he was like a half a head taller than I am. Like I'm, he's like,

get that shit out of here. He was like 6'2". Like I got nothing. Yeah. I got like, when you're short and not particularly coordinated and the other guy's tall

and particular, you're just, you're just like, yeah, let's go play basketball. Why don't I just punch myself in the shit? The best was my friend who made his own basketball backboard out of plywood.

And then we bought one of those things. And then he lowered it enough so we could dunk. And so we just would have the best time. It's like a nine-foot rim. So you just run as fast as you can and jump. Like, ah! He made me dunk. It was the best.

A nine-foot rim for me may as well be on the moon. It was the best. That was shit. A nine-foot rim for me may as well be on the moon. It was the best. A nine-foot rim. I know there's normally like 10 feet, right? Yeah. No.

Nine foot is the same as 10. It's the same as 38 feet. It was... My vertical leap is like maybe a thimble and a half. It being much lower is pretty nice, actually. It's pretty great.

Yeah, I bet. Yeah. Yeah, I still couldn't hit it. Six foot five. Maybe I did. Maybe. This is so fucked. This is so fucked. This is so fucked.

CBS News. Holy shit. UK medical practice mistakenly texts patients that they have aggressive lung cancer instead of Merry Christmas. Holy fucking... lung cancer instead of Merry Christmas. I can't even imagine how that happens. Like what do you say?

Like you slipped and you broke the lung. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Have you ever made a mistake that made you just panic? Were your asshole closest? Were you just like your whole body? You're just like, oh, years ago. So I just started working in this position. And I had just learned how to edit websites.

Like I just learned. And I got a message from someone that says, hey, can you take the one of the sort of, there was, this is back when they used to have stuff that like used to roll scrolling across the screens. You know, like this is old, old, old website stuff. And the guy's like, hey, can you take the, you know, change the sort of rolling text at the top

to something else? We're changing this around this thing. And I was like, sure, no problem. And I go on there and I wound up deleting the homepage. And so my boss comes in my office. Did you quit? And he's like, no, no.

I would have just quit. No, no. So like it was, I had it on a backup off the computer. Oh, okay. All right. And so I just went over and got the thing and then I had to on a backup off the computer. Oh, okay. All right. And so I just went over and got the thing, and then I had to just fix everything that was fixed since then. So I didn't have a recent backup.

I had an older backup. But when I deleted it, it just so happened that my boss was going to the website at the exact same time. So he comes to my office. He's like, are you messing with the website right now? I was like, it'll be up in 15 minutes. But the whole time my asshole was just,

I was just like, like the whole time you're just frozen in fear. I was working at a title company and I lost a deed. So now it's not as big a deal now, but back when this was like, you can't do anything with a copy. I had copies. But you had to have

an ink original deed. And I fucking lost it. For about six hours, I lost it. I eventually found it. I just got put in the wrong file. But for about six hours, I could not stop sweating. I was in that, like, straight panic

where you're like... Did you just look for six straight hours? I looked everywhere. You looked for six, eight hours? Yeah, pulled apart every file I touched for a week and I finally found it. It had just gotten misfiled in a different file. So like there was nothing I could do. I just, but as soon as I realized it was gone, it's like

I was like, I'm gonna get fired. Did you just shit immediately once you found it? Yeah, I think I did. just shit immediately once you found it you're just like I think I did all your bodily functions just relax and you're just like poof

I was like my first thought was like I should just quit and leave now I should just leave you light it on fire like Homer Simpson when he's leaving work

you know when you're like a kid and like one of your friends gets hurt and everybody just runs away you remember that you remember when you were a kid everybody just runs I don't know if I remember that, no. Like little kids, it's the

funniest thing to watch. I think this might be something very specific. No, I've seen other people do it. I think it might be very specific to you, Tom. Like they realize they're in trouble. I'm terrified of getting hurt around you. Just run away. Tom's over the house. I fall down the stairs and Tom just runs out.

I didn't do it! I didn't do it. I didn't do it. So, okay. So you're telling me about a phenomenon. You have this phenomenon that you imagine that happens to other people.

It only applies to me, I guess. It only applies to everyone else in the world that Tom is ubiquitously saying every other human in the being runs away. The universal experience that you all remember.

Go ahead. You don't know. Like I felt that way. Like we just feel like you should just like run, run away from the problem. I'm just Tom just winds up in Kangaroo. His family is looking for me. I lost the deed. I'm never coming back.

I like have a shirt with a smiley face and I'm just running. Just, I like to run. You're down building fucking, uh, building boats with that fucking guy from Shawshank Redemption. You're just like... Tell me more about the shrimp we can catch. I'm gonna crawl through this puddle of... I'm gonna

crawl through this pipe and come out the other side. Amazing. Alright. So anyway, so back to the story where they sent, you have aggressive lung cancer instead of Merry Christmas. We're making fun of it, but could you imagine getting this fucking message? How fucking pants shittingly awful this would be to be like, I got the worst fucking news today. I went in for a rectal exam. I didn't even know they could find that from here. They somehow looked and saw my lung was aggressively cancerous. I got to read this because it's actually a little bit off more.

A medical practice in England intended to text its patients wishes for a very Merry Christmas. Instead, the mass text told patients they had aggressive lung cancer that had spread and asked them to fill out a form for terminal patients. God damn, could you imagine how fucking terrifying that would be? Also, what fucking paperwork are you giving to terminal patients? Is it a will?

Do I have to will over my money to you? I don't know what's happening. Like, of all the times in my life, I'm not going to get around to the paperwork. I know, right? Hey, you're going to die. Can you fill out a will? Do I have to will over my money to you? I don't know what's happening. Like of all the times in my life, I'm not going to get around to the paperwork. I know, right? Hey, you're going to die. Can you fill out a form? That's not how I'm spending my time.

Absolutely not. Actually, no. A hundred percent no. Fuck you. You know what you could do? You could just piece it together like a fucking ransom note from other things I've signed.

I'm never touching another pen as long as I live. What if I don't sign it? Do I not get to die? I know, right? Like, fuck you. All you need to know how to beat death never touching another pen as long as I live. What if I don't sign it? Do I not get to die? I know, right? Fuck you! All you need to know how to beat death is this one simple trick, right?

The mass text from Askern Medical Practice in Doncaster sent out December 23rd. In it, the practice says the doctor has asked the recipients to fill out a form DS-1500, which according to another hospital system, is meant for people who have a terminal illness to apply

for their benefits. The text also tells recipients they have been diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer with metastases. How does that get a mistaken for Merry Christmas? It's not a Merry Christmas! In a second text, patients were asked to accept the center's

sincere apologies. This has been sent in error. It states, our message to you should have read, we wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. That is the greatest punked moment. It is so, God,

I would drive down there and punch somebody in the face. Oh my God. I could not imagine how furious I would be if somebody did that. You know, somebody got screened for lung cancer. Yeah. Right? And then they're going to go like, somebody went and told their wife, oh my God, honey,

I have lung cancer. It's the end times now for me. And then it's like, no, wait, actually, Merry Christmas. And they're like, what? Oh, I guess I'm fine. Sorry. Hold on a second. Holy shit.

Yeah, man. And you know what the worst part is, is that somebody got that message. Then they got the Merry Christmas. And then they got the message again that says, no, you weren't. Oh, Joe. No, sorry.

This one's for you specifically. Joe, you're not included in this text. You know, it makes me wonder, like, did somebody who was supposed to get the, also real quick, this just occurred to me, I'm me wonder like, did somebody who was supposed to get the, also real quick, this just occurred to me. I'm gonna interrupt myself. If you're given the news that somebody has aggressive lung cancer,

maybe that's not a text message. It feels like a face to face conversation. You know? Yeah. It feels like, I feel like that's one of those things where you've been dating long enough where you break up in person, you know,

you're going to fucking die. And I get a text message? Don't fucking leave me on read if I have metastases, okay? Does it have like a fucking shruggy emoji after like... What the fuck? Like the shruggy and the skull is just like... There's just a lung and a fire next to it.

What the fuck? Sends out a text message. You gonna die. Love your doctor. Oh man. I can't wait. I cannot wait until we get serious texts from serious people that are all emojis. I can't wait.

I can't wait. Cause then I'm crawling into one of those suicide pods. The Swiss have. They've got it right. I'm just fucking peacing out of the world. Do you think that there was somebody out there who didn't get the aggressive lung cancer text message, but they got a

Merry Christmas text message and they had it in reverse with like, oh, that's nice. I got a Christmas text. And then it's like, we are very sorry. We meant to send you.

You have anal cancer or whatever. Fuck. Do I still get the Merry Christmas? Yeah, this one. Tom, you got to read some of this article. I'm going to put it up on the big screen. This is a fucking delight. I'm going to put it up on the big screen so people can see what we're talking about.

This story comes from the CBC. This story comes from the CBC. Pigeon wearing crystal meth like a backpack caught inside British Columbia prison yard. This is kind of a curveball, says corrections officers union. That's so amazing. Nearly a century ago, a pigeon breeder approached federal customs officers with a bit of an odd problem. A pigeon he'd recently sold to a buyer in Mexico had flown back to his home in Texas with two aluminum capsules full of cocaine tied to its legs. After a brief investigation, officials announced their conclusion. Carrier pigeons smuggle drugs, blared an all-caps newspaper headline on February the

2nd, 1930. Wasn't coke legal in 1930? Do you remember it was legal? It was legal. I know like when Freud was bopping about. That's in the 1800s though. Yeah, so I don't know when they made it. Maybe around the turn of the century they decided no more cocaine for people or something. But wait, is it illegal for pigeons? I just said no more cocaine

for people, but what about avian cocaine? Cocaine just keeps pouring it on his little paw or whatever, his little talon. He's doing bumps off his talon. It's like, it's hard for him to snort it with that beak. You know, he's got to like turn his head kind of upside down to like get his little

nostrils around the top and He's just flying around. His eyes are like Get out there, man. He's flying around, just clenching his beak real hard all the time. He breaks a beak. He has to go to the doctor. He's flying around.

Hey, guys, I got some fucking really cool new ideas I want to talk to you guys about. All right. Drug smuggling pigeons have persisted over the decades since, busted from North America to Europe and Asia. The birds are caught with pills or powder,

stuffed into mini backpacks, tiny baggies. That's adorable. This is the cutest way to send drugs. I mean, let's be honest, man. A tiny little animal backpack. Get the fuck out of here. Here's the thing. I really think the DEA should consider a rule

that if the smuggling is cute enough, it's legal again. You know? It's small. S-M-O-L. It's a small little pigeon. Like, if it's fucking totes adorbs, you just got to let that one go. It's amazing. You've got to.

Every single baby goat just walks right past customs. It doesn't matter. Let him through. Let him. It's fine. It's fine. I know you're going to slice him in half later to get it. I don't even care.

It's a killer. Look at them. Last week, for the first time in recent memory, one was captured in BC. This is kind of a curveball, said John Randall, a Pacific Regional President of the Union for Canadian Correctional Officers. Then I love this because the mental picture of this

is everything. It's so good. It's so good. It's everything. Officers had to corner it. Randall said it was a routine. It's a bird. Can't it just fly away?

Like, what are you talking about? You've got to picture this bird with a backpack and then all these Keystone Cop motherfuckers chasing it around while that silly music plays. Yeah, it's trying to fly. And the best part is, is it hasn't flown. Right. It's just running. So you've got to imagine, so it's not like flying from place to place to it hasn't flown. Right. It's just running.

So you've got to imagine, so it's not like flying from place to place to get away from you. Right. It's literally just running and dodging around these guys. It's juking them like, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's the only way to envision this. You can't envision it another way. Officers were standing in one of the fenced inmate unit yards, which prisoners use regularly for hanging out, playing games, or getting some fresh air.

Then the officers noted something strange. A gray bird with a small package on its back. From my understanding, it was tied to in a similar fashion as, like, a little backpack. It was fucking adorable. The officers moved in. Well, if it was like a regular school kid's backpack,

it would be bulletproof, right? Is that what we're doing now? The birdshot just bounces right off. Tom as a kid is trying to shoot it like an asshole with a BB gun. It's like, whatever. You're not wrong. Whatever. I love this. They had to corner it, Randall

said. You can imagine how that would look, trying to catch a pigeon after a lengthy period of time. The officers apprehended the bird. A lengthy period of time. The officers apprehended the bird. That's in quotes. A lengthy period of time is in quotes. You've got to think too, Cecil. Like, here's all these, like, inmates at the prison.

And then they're watching you run around, crouched over, doing the fucking shuffle walk. It's a snipe hunt. Yeah. You lose all respect for your CO. You know what I mean? Like, your CO's like, oh, no. Hey, John the bull over there

is going to crack some heads. You see him like chasing this pigeon. You're like, ah, fuck that guy. His pants are kind of hanging off his ass a little as he's trying to get it.

Randall said the package contained about 30 grams of crystal meth, which he described as a fairly substantial. Depends on what the substance is. 30 grams can be pretty substantial. Yeah, I have no idea. Like, I don't know.

How much is a meth thing? I will tell you, like, a teaspoon of yeast is like five grams. Okay. All right. That's yeast, though. I don't know how dense

that is in comparison to crystal meth, but three teaspoons worth of drugs feels like a lot. Well, like, I wonder how much is in a dose. Like, how much do you take of crystal meth? It looks small.

When I see them do it on TV, it looks small. Yeah, when I watch fucking Intervention, they don't have, like, giant chunks, right? Yeah, they're not smoking Himalayan salt rock. You know what I mean? Like a salt lamp. They got a whole salt lamp full of fucking crystal meth. Oh, it's on now.

It's not one of those. Here we go. I'll sleep again in September, motherfuckers. I'm ready to go. I'm going to drive a truck. No, but it's normally a small amount.

So like, yeah, like a teaspoon of yeast, a teaspoon of salt is probably maybe, it probably weighs more. I would say maybe that's 10 or 12 grams. Okay, so like three

or four teaspoons of salt? Of salt, yeah. Probably a similar density of salt, I would imagine. that's 10 or 12 grams. Okay, so like 3 or 4 teaspoons of salt? Of salt, yeah. Probably a similar density of salt, I would imagine. Probably something like that, yeah. Oh, shit. Alright. So, I mean, it goodly some. It's not small amounts. Also, I like this. Drones are typically the problem. Drones? They just fly drones

in and just drop fucking drugs over. Well, okay, so keep going because there's a better part of this. Okay. One expert said there are two plausible ways to use a pigeon to deliver drugs. What are those two ways, Tom? One, someone could throw the freighted pigeon over the fence and into the prison.

I just see a pigeon with like a little, like a kilo of cocaine on it, and they throw it over, and it's just laying on its back like a turtle, and its little legs are stuck in here. Dude, if you're going to throw it, and it's just laying on its back like a turtle and its little legs are stuck in here. Dude, if you're going to throw it,

what do you need the pigeon for? What does the pigeon add to this equation? It just sticks its arm out so it has a slower landing. What the fuck is the pigeon for? I imagine,

I imagine, Tom, it could be any, it could be any weighted thing. So a pigeon works, but so would a weighted thing. I love the idea that there's throwing random animals. Oh, it's so good.

Hey, throw in a guano full of methamphetamine over the wall. Is there anything that you could like, does it have to be an animal? They throw like a fawn with a key of coke on it. You guys find it in like random animals. Here's a macaw with some fucking blue cocaine on it. You guys fighting like random animals? Here's a macaw with some fucking blue cocaine on it. Why would you throw a pigeon?

I love the idea. I love the idea of somebody just taking their hand and there's a fucking live pigeon in their hand and then they throw it with a thing on its back. Are you serious? What is happening? I think I solved this problem. Yeah, alright genius. My other part too, it's like at the bottom here it says like Shawshank Redemption Are you serious? What is happening? I think I solved this problem. Yeah, all right, genius. Yeah, you got it.

My other part too, it's like at the bottom here, it says like Shawshank Redemption, where they had a crow from a baby, you could do that with a pigeon. So basically they're saying you could teach the pigeon to come back. Says the director of the Vancouver Poultry

and Fancy Pigeon Association. Now this here is a fancy pigeon. All the ones in Chicago that are just like the fucking flying rats. Those are the trash. Those are the trash. Those are like the, they have like a, like a Dixie flag tramp stamp or whatever.

They are not fancy. They are not fancy. They are not fancy pigeons. You know what? They eat with their fucking elbows on the table. All right. They eat. I don't know why that's bad,

but they do it. That's not a fancy pigeon. I also want to, I also want to read bad, but they do it. That's not a fancy pigeon. I also want to, I also want to read this part because I love it. It's the other method. So there's two methods that inmate can use

to use a pigeon. Yeah, we mentioned one already. One, you can hurl the superfluous pigeon over the wall. Like a discus. You just do three spins and then you throw it.

And then get it over there. Yeah, yeah, sure. The other one is an inmate could spend months training the bird from the inside to recognize the prison at its home. Then I love this sentence.

Someone would get the bird to the outside, fasten its cargo and release it to the return home to the prison. How the fuck do you prison smuggle a pigeon out of your ass? Do you? I can understand having the pigeon in the prison. But now somebody has to smuggle the pigeon out of the prison. You're going to stick that in your fucking prison pocket. That is one hell of a thing is going to pack your prison pocket. It's a conjugal visit.

This is a good hand. Yeah. This is a fuck around and find out one. This story comes from Yahoo. Arsonists set themselves on fire while trying to burn down California immigration centers. There's an image of them too here, of the arsonists with this, you know, of course they have their masks on.

Yeah, right. Got your mask on. Got your mask. And they threw gasoline on this immigration center and then they lit themselves on fire and had to run away. Now they haven't caught them yet, but they said they look like they had extensive injuries just from the image.

So these people probably fucked themselves up pretty good, but then they couldn't check themselves into a hospital to properly... Yeah, because they're going to give themselves away. Give yourself away. It's like when somebody gets shot or somebody ODs, they immediately have to call the police or whatever. It's, you know, this is one of those things I've watched. I don't know how many videos

I've watched where people underestimate or don't understand how gasoline vapor works. You've seen these videos where people take these huge fucking gas cans and they're just fucking pouring gas and spraying gas in the air, you know. And then they light it on fire. They're right next to it. And they're right next to it. Right next to it. And they've created this huge fucking vapor cloud of explosive flammable gas.

And then they're like, Some of that stuff is amazing. What the fuck is wrong with you? To see some of that stuff just explode and how much they do. The womb, man. And the thing is, again,

these are people you just, I mean, you should just be paying attention to what you do and you wouldn't get lit on fire. These are bad arsonists. These are bad foreign arsonists. I would go so far as to say

I will take immigrant arsonists over these ones. Yeah, right. I feel like they'd be better off. We'd be better off as a country if we would allow better arsonists. You don't want the immigrant arsonists taking our arson jobs, Cecil. You know?

Then what would good old American arsonists do? American arsonists do. We don't want immigrants coming in here and, you know, doing their crimes like arson, for example, as one of them. Here's an interesting one. Yeah, this is from KFI, which is, I don't know. It's an AM radio station. Wow.

National Guard. Do you think we can be on AM if we tried hard enough? We couldn't be on FM if we tried hard enough. I know that. Can we make it to AM radio? I don't know if we could ever.

If we swing hard right. Oh, yeah. You got to swing hard right. Then we could do it. You're right. National Guard General fired for ordering troops to take his mom shopping.

I can't believe that that is not an acceptable use of his military authority. I hope that they had to take her in a tank. Oh, like, you know, like they fly her in a Huey. Oh, one of those big double fucking.

And they just like have to fucking land on top of the fucking wall. Like that, like that movie with the zombies or whatever. Yeah. That's what I hope happens. That's it. If you're going to abuse your power, abuse all of it. Do it right.

Don't hold back. Yeah. Don't hold back. A general, a general with the California National Guard has been relieved of duty after reportedly ordered troops to take his mom shopping. Brigadier General Jeffrey Magrum. You don't get to general.

Yeah. This is like a career military guy. Right. This is a guy who spent, you've got to spend decades of your life in the military, devoted to it, dedicated to it. And at one point he was like, someone's got to take mom out. I can't believe somebody

would do that. Dude, take your own mom out. Well, no, his response too is, had I ever heard of any ethics issue like this from subordinates, peers, or commanders, or perceptions of such, I would have corrected and addressed it on the spot, he said in a statement to the inspector general. Yeah. So he's like, I would have changed my mind, but I just figured they wanted to like drive my mom to her eye appointment. Yeah, right. Well, here's what they had him do.

Brigadier General has also been accused of forcing subordinates to perform other tasks, such as making an on-duty National Guard member drive him 120 miles to a dentist appointment. Why is your dentist 120 miles from you? Where is your dentist, Doug? What is happening? Do you not have dentist 120 miles from you? Where is your dentist, Doug? What is happening? Do you not have a dentist anywhere near you?

Jesus, what is that? And coercing an underling to take his place in a mandatory training session. See, now, I'll be perfectly frank.

That's one I can forgive. I get that one. I can forgive that one. I understand. Have you ever been on a work call where you're just like, God, why am I on this call?

I cannot believe that I have to sit through this. You do those like corporate compliance training type stuff and you're just like, stay awake, stay awake. Every year, my work sends out a compliance training to everybody and you have to complete it. And it takes about an hour and 10 minutes every year to do. And it's a thing you have to read. And then you have to take a quiz.

Yeah. And you have to do it every year. And it's the worst. Seriously, it's like, Jane's brother works for a window company. Can we hire Jane's brother to come in and redo all our windows? You know, Jane was your coworker or whatever. And you're just like, no, you can't. That's fucking conflict of interest's fucking conflict interest you know let's do that no but it's like so it's like

can i skip to the test it's so easy it's just like everything is so it's the same one every year yeah it's the same one every year i know every year and it's like like bill grabs jane's ass at the break room cooler is this okay you're like no no, it's not okay. Who says no? Who says yes? You should, that should be a test for you to just be fired. Yeah, it should log you

out of the system. As soon as you select the wrong answer for some of these, you should just be like, no, man, you're actually fired. We don't need you. As soon as you select

the wrong answer, it should, the computer should snapshot on its own and push you into the suicide pod. That's what it should do. It should be on its own and push you into the suicide that's what it should do it's like no you're canceled your life is canceled if one of those was at work and it was and there and i started getting into work conversations there's a chance i might just

do it at work i don't know i think it's a dangerous thing to leave you can't you can't have those laying around it's a dangerous thing thing. You cannot, you cannot have, I have never really had any modicum of power in my life. And I'm kind of glad. Cause I might be this guy where I would just be like, yeah, man, I don't really want to go. And you just, I'm like the guy in charge. So just go do it. Like, I feel, I feel like I, I'm glad that no one's ever trusted me this much. Yeah. I a hundred percent would abuse my authority. no one's ever trusted me this much. Yeah, I 100% would abuse my authority. I would too.

I got 100%. I would too. Like I think about it, I'm just like, damn man. I just thought about it for a second. I was like, there's a 0% chance I would abuse my authority.

There's no way I'm not driving everywhere in a tank. Like there's no way I'm not every, like even if I just have to go to my car to go home. My car would be a tank. I would get in my tank, drive it to my

car, and then get out of the tank, and then make someone drive the tank back so I could get it one in the morning when I come back. A thousand percent. I would be the worst. I would fire someone out of a cannon. I would be the worst. Are you kidding me? This is a job you do not want me to have.

No, I am trying to imagine myself as a brigadier general, and the world does not need that. I did not have the mental capacity to be a soldier. I knew that I did not have that. Actually, I was warned against it by my dad. Were you really? Yeah, so I was going to go into the military.

A bunch of my friends from high school, two or three of them, joined the military right out of school. And when you're a poor kid, it really is appealing because you see a chance to maybe go to college. Right. And I had no idea how to go to college other than that. Right. And so I told my dad, I'm thinking about going. And he said, do not do it. He's like, do not go to the military. He's like, you don't have the mindset for it. He's like, you really have to have a very obedient mindset. And he's like, you would not thrive there. And it was the best advice my dad ever

gave me. I think it was, might've been the only time he was sober too. So it was like the best advice he ever gave me was that. I took the, it's called the ASVAB, the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery. I still remember it. And the only reason I took it in high school is because if you agree to take it, you got to go to the auditorium and skip like two or three of your classes. So you're like, I'll take a fucking test. I don't care. I'll hang out with my buddy who also signed up as a joke, right? Cause neither one of us were going to join the military. We signed up as a joke. And so we're going to go, we're going to sit in the auditorium. We thought we'd fucking goof around and take this fucking goof off test.

And we'd be able to skip class for the day, right? So we go to the auditorium and it's proctored by all these military guys. And they want you to be quiet and sit like three people apart. And I'm like, well, fuck, this isn't fun anymore. Like, so now I'm just taking the test because I'm going to take a test. But I like tests. I was a good test taker. So I take this vocational aptitude battery and I turn it in

and I go on with my life and I don't think anything of it because I was never going to join the military for a second. But what that did is it created a endless cavalcade of phone calls from military recruiters calling the house and promising, oh, you know, you did good on this test. You know, you can join up. You could be anything you want. You can choose this job or that job.

We'd, you know, just promise you the fucking moon. It's the army and the Navy and the Marines and the air force. They're all calling and they all want to like, oh, well, you know, we'll suck your dick every day you're in college. And, you know, you could be a doctor, medic, general president, or, you know, like they really promised the whole thing. And I started to get like, maybe I should join it. Cause I'm 17, you know, I'm like, well, maybe I should join the military.

And my dad was just like, no, he didn't entertain that shit. He didn't talk to you about it. He was just like, he's just, he was just straight up. He's like, you're not joining the military. Hang up the phone. And I was like, wait, what would he say? And he's like, hang up the phone. You're not joining the military. up the phone and i was like wait what what he's saying he's like hang up the phone you're not joining the military that's amazing and i was like i gotta go because like i don't care how many stars are on your fucking shoulder you

ain't my dad i talk i'll hang up on you like that i talked to so many of those people yeah those recruiters called me they're aggressive one of them called me from the air force and i remember trying to get off the phone with them and i was was just like, yeah, I don't know. And he's like, you should join. And I was like, yeah, I wouldn't join the Air Force unless I could be a pilot. He's like, well, then you want to go to this. And he's telling me all the stuff you have to do to be a pilot.

And I'm just like, I just said it just so you'd be quiet. I'm too fat to get in one of those jets, man. Are you kidding me? They'd look at me, they'd be like, dude, no. I can get in one. I'm just never getting out again. Right? They'd put me like, have you seen?

They're all cramped up and be like, I can't breathe. My fat's pressing on my lungs. That's so amazing. This story comes to the New York Times. We're just reading chunks. They traveled from South Korea. They got stranded near Buffalo. A South Korean tour group's van

became stuck in the snow outside a home in Williamsville, New York. They spent the weekend with the residents who luckily had a well-stocked kitchen. And there's a great picture. That is a great picture. There's a great picture of a beautiful home and like some guy who's taking the picture, just smiling this great big smile. And there's got to be a dozen. Just there's got to be a dozen of these Korean tourists who are just like having a genuinely nice time. Yeah, man. This is just great. I read the story. And so

the broad strokes to this story are that there's this bus tour that's going through Buffalo. Buffalo just got hit with a massive, deadly storm. Deadly storm. It got like 70 inches of snow or something crazy. It was a deadly storm. Like people died.

And so they're outside and they come knocking on this door and they say, hey, I just need to borrow a shovel. We got to try to get our bus out. Well, they couldn't get the bus out. And he was just like, well, then come in. Right. And so they all came in. And so this guy is just like, they're from Korea.

You know, some of them are here speaking. They can speak English. They can communicate. This guy is just like, they're from Korea. You know, some of them, you know, are here speaking. They can speak English. They can communicate. Just so happens that this couple really enjoys Korean food. So they have a ton of Korean condiments and foodstuffs to create Korean food. How lucky is this? And then they just like hang out with this group of people. And then they just open their doors with hospitality to someone who is stuck in a storm, and they keep them there for two days.

Yeah. How insanely generous. I think that's amazing. It's actually kind of a beautiful story. I love it so much. I love the serendipity of it. Yeah. You know?

I love just like the unlikelihood of them knocking on exactly the right guy's door. The right guy's door, yeah. You know? Because there was other stories. My wife was telling me another story. I didn't find it. I don't know anything about it. But she said there was another story of like a guy knocking on doors and everyone turning him away.

And there was a bunch of people in cars that were just like stuck and stranded. And no one would let him in. And they had to break into a school to survive for the night. Jesus Christ. But people wouldn't let him in their house. And so that's what she said. I don't know where this— It's clearly in Buffalo, but I didn't for the night. Jesus Christ. But people wouldn't let them in their house. And so that's what she said. I don't know where this, it's clearly in Buffalo,

but I didn't see the story. I'm going off secondhand information. So I don't know all the details, but she said that they basically had to, and she thought that's what I was talking about. I'm like, no, no, this is like a feel good. This is a nice story. This is a sweet story.

You know, there really is nothing in our life that really allows for this kind of thing anymore, right? A guest to your house that's unannounced is a very rare thing today. When we were growing up, it was a lot more common to have someone just stop by your house. Yeah, I was just going to say,

it would be weird if I showed up to your house. It's very strange, right? Most people nowadays, this isn't a thing that just happens, right? And then spontaneous hospitality just doesn't happen as often as it might've used to a long time ago. So I go to this thing every year,

not every year, but on occasion I go and I might go this year or whatever, but there's this thing called Penzic War. And what Penzic is, if you don't know, I belong to this thing called the Society for Creative An And what Penzic is, if you don't know, I belong to this thing called the Society for Creative Anachronism. And it's a,

it's a medieval recreation society group that does, you know, simulated combat of a couple of different styles and flavors. And then it also does,

they do medieval recreation where they try to create as much as you can of the Middle Ages while still maintaining us, you know, the basics of everyday life. So, you know, there's plenty of people who will have like, you know, that they will drive around in a, say like a mobility scooter or something. Like there might be somebody on a mobility scooter. No one would be like, you can't have that here because that's not, you know, that's not period or whatever.

You can't have that. So there's a creativeness to what people can do because we still want to maintain like living, right? We're not like. And you don't want to be exclusionary. Yeah, you're not like those English Civil War guys who like their buttons have to be perfect or whatever. It's a very lax sort of organization. But it's a really fun organization and I've belonged to it for 25 to 30 years. I forget exactly how long I've been in it, but I've been been in for a very long time. And they do this thing every year. It's called Pensac War,

and it's a huge event that is a full week-long camping event that happens in Pennsylvania, just on the right by Youngstown, just a little south and east of Youngstown. And it is Youngstown, Ohio. And so it's this really nice campground and you go there and there's 10 to 12,000 people there and everybody camps. And so you set up your camp with all your friends and then a bunch of other people from all over the country show up and all over the world. There's people from Australia that I know that show up every year, et cetera, et cetera. But one of the best parts about that, it's a long setup to tell you one of the best parts is spontaneous hospitality. It's not something that happens in your everyday life, but you can walk around Penzik with your friends, or I can walk around

by myself and I can just swing by your encampment and be like, hey, is Tom around? And they'll be like, yeah, he's in the back. He's by the fire. And I walk back, hey, Tom, you're like, hey, Cecil, sit down by the fire. Let me get you a drink. Hey, I made up some sausages early. Do you want to eat? And there's this really wonderful feeling of being a host. And it's instant. It's like this instant host where you're like people come to.

It's not a feeling you get in everyday life. No. You rarely get it, right? Nobody just stumbles into my house. That happens every year at this thing that happens in Pennsylvania. But this is such a cool thing to have happen to you. And it's something that I've experienced many times in my life. So that's why I think this story really touches me is because it's such a cool thing to experience. And it's not something

that modern society allows you to really experience. No, no, not at all. It's, it's, I'm, it's funny. Cause like I was thinking like I I've, I've been last summer, I was, uh, doing these longer bike rides and I ride my bike now sometimes into right by your house. It's a good distance from my house. And there was a couple of times I thought, wouldn't it be funny to stop by and say hi? And I thought, no, I don't know. He's probably working. I don't want to bother him. You know, like it's like impolite. And like you're my best friend of 20 some years.

Yeah. But like swinging by unannounced just isn't something that like feels right. It's not something that modern society allows anymore. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny. I never really thought too much about it, but I was like,

nah, it just seems rude. Yeah. You know, and I'm just like, oh, come on. It's like calling someone before you text them now. Yeah, it's still acceptable. That's not acceptable.

That's not acceptable, Tom. When I'm outside of Penzic, I want you to text me before you call. No, but it's funny though because like this story is such a sweet, sweet story of these people who needed help.

And, you know, like what I think about this too, I also think about our immigration problem in this country and how we don't welcome people, how we are unwelcoming, how we see certain people as the other. And this whole story turns that on its head. It does. It's like I welcomed someone else. I welcomed them. I didn't just like tolerate them or whatever's like, I welcome someone else. I welcome them. I didn't just, I didn't just like tolerate them or whatever. No,

I gave them hospitality. And that's a whole different. And there's a difference there. There is. Yeah. It's not like you can sleep in a garage. Right.

Right. These people slept all over this guy's house in his guest room and on his floor, on his couch. He had, he literally,

he put them up for the two days to make them as comfortable as they could be. I mean, this is a- It's a beautiful story. It's a really beautiful story. This one was the one I was smiling while reading this week. This is what I love to do.

Once in a while, you'll come across a feel-good story that we just can't cover on our show. It doesn't have a home. It just has a home now. It has a home. New format has a home. Has a home here. It has a home here. New format has a home.

It has a home here. All right. So show on Monday. We'll be back Monday with a regular show. And then next week, we're going to be doing a deep dive. We'll let you know what that's going to be. Maybe Monday. We will let you know Monday.

This upcoming Monday, we'll let you know what's going to be up next Thursday for the deep dive. And Tom's going to read it to you this month alone. Everyone gets it. So Tom's going to read it ahead of time. So we're going to have Tom read it aloud. We're going to talk about the article extensively afterwards. So next Thursday, expect that in your feed, but we'll be back next Monday.

And now we're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo, Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts. Shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. you