Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 672: Every Pope is a Nail

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

Show Notes

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. This is episode 672, Cecil. This is one of our very, our double, every month we're going to be doing two of these,

a funny news segment, not covering the stuff that we normally cover. Nothing serious. This is a light night. This is man bites dog stuff. This is a light night. This is the last of the freebie light nights. Yeah, this is the last of the freebie one.

We're going to be, this is, so if you like this kind of thing, patrons will be getting a double dose of this. Double dose? Every month. For our patrons, because we love our patrons. We love our patrons. And people who listen,

just regular people who don't... We love all you guys. We love all you, and you will be getting one of these a month. The second one of the month, that one will be reserved just for our patrons. Yes. Because you guys pay for the studio. Abso-fucking-lutely. So you get a little something

for it. You know, a little quid pro quo. Absolutely. Cecil. Tom. You scratch my balls. I'll scratch your balls. I think that's how that goes. Stop. I feel uncomfortable right now. Then why am I scratching your balls? I feel uncomfortable right now. Cecil. I feel very uncomfortable. I need to call HR. So here's

what I want to say too about this. A lot of this is going to be up on the big screen if you're watching on YouTube. It's going to be on the big screen. But I want to say too, we don't cut these up with segues. These are not, these are just going from story to story to story.

They don't get cut up with segues because there's no reason to cut these up. We're always just, we're just bullshitting as we work our way through. So throughout these extra episodes, you won't get cut up with segues because there's no reason to cut these up. We're always just, we're just bullshitting as we work our way through. So throughout these extra episodes, you won't get funny segues from Ian. And some of you hate him anyway. So it's good. It's actually a good thing. And I understand hating Ian.

Yeah. That makes sense. No, it makes sense. Yeah. So this story comes from wfla.com. Wafla. from wflaw.com. Waflaw.

Florida woman pulled from storm drain for third time in two years. You really got to want it. Man. After three times. Three times. Cecil. The first time, fine. No, I mean, accidents happen.

Shit. The second time you fall in a storm drain. That's, you know. It's a one in a million. But don't you just avoid fucking storm drains? Tom, you'll have to read this story because I don't think she does. A woman was pulled from a storm drain for the third time just over two years on Wednesday. Delray Beach police said they responded to a call of somebody possibly in distress

while swimming in a canal near Lindell Boulevard. When officers asked if the woman needed help, police said she ignored them and climbed onto a storm drain pipe. Man, have you been to Florida? Have you? Okay. Would you swim in any wild body of water in Florida? Okay, first off, anything that's called a canal, you never swim in. No, yes.

You never swim in a thing that's called a canal. Too close to anal. Never, never, never. It's one letter away. There's a lot of shit in there. There's a lot of shit in there. You know, there's a lot of things flowing through the sea anal. That's for sure.

Did I ever tell you, when I was a little boy, my mom lived in Florida. My mom is not the most attentive. She was not the most attentive mom. So in Florida, and I'm not really exaggerating, in Florida, every natural body of water is full of alligators. Are they alligators or crocodiles? Is there a difference? They're alligators, and there is a difference.

And there are alligators, they've got like a rounded snout instead of the pointy one. That's how you can actually tell the difference. And I'm not really exaggerating, like almost every wild body of water, you can just assume that it has fucking alligators in it. So you don't just like go swimming in lakes and stuff in Florida because there's fucking alligators in there.

But it's not just alligators. Aren't there a bunch of, like, okay, so- Everything is terrible in Florida. I drove down to visit a friend of mine down there a couple years ago. And I drove down because I was going to go fence, right? So I have all my gear and I have like 47-inch blade. That's not including the hilt, long sword, right? It is a little braggy.

So I have like a bunch of these and they fit in your hand real nice. I'm just like, no. No, but like I have a bunch of these and I have all my clothes and things that I'm going to wear at this event. And so I was like, well, I don't want to fucking ship this. Normally what people do when they fence and they travel, they put them in golf cases. Because golf cases have, you know, when you throw your golf clubs in something, they're normally long and it's big enough to hold that. So I do carry a golf case and I could do it, but I just don't want to like have somebody like be flying and my fucking swords fall.

It's like $2,000 with the swords or whatever. I have a lot of swords. I have a, I have a problem. You have more swords than most people. I have, I have a real, like for example,

I have zero swords. I have a real problem. I have a real problem. You have a lot of problems. I have a lot of problems, but this is one of them. But in any case, I'm driving down there because I have a real problem. I have a real problem. You have a lot of problems. I have a lot of problems, but this is one of them. But in any case, I'm driving down there

because I decided to drive instead of fly. And so the first fucking exit, I get off. I get off and I go and it says, watch out for venomous snakes on a sign.

Like there's a sign that's just like, I don't know, I'm going to pee. And it's in a rest area across from the biggest rebel flag I've ever seen in my entire life.

Which is distressing because any size rebel flag is a problem? Tom, it was as big as a house. That is a huge rebel flag. It was the biggest flag. That is a fucking huge... It's not only the biggest rebel flag.

I think it might have been the biggest flag I've ever seen. How big was... It's as big as the ones they hold across the football field. How big was it? It's as big as the ones they hold across the football field. How big then was the Dodge Charger

it was laid across the top of? How big was the person's ass that there was a tramp stamp on? I don't know. Yeah. Well, when I was in Florida, like when we lived,

I lived there for a little while and I go visit my mom and like all of the bodies of water are full of like alligator snapping turtles, which are huge. And very dangerous. Those things will fucking, that's not like.

Our friend. Our friend. That's a real chomper. Our friend has a little turtle. Yes. Like a little turtle. Like it's, you know, a little turtle. She's had it for like 30 years.

Yeah. It's her turtle. I've seen that thing eat a carrot and I was just like, I will never go near it. I will never go near it. I will never go near it. It slowly, but very viciously,

bit that carrot. Alligator snapping turtles too, man. They're huge. They're like three feet long and they're like, fuck it. They're scary as fuck. Then there's goddamn,

and there's snakes. And I have a question about the sign you saw. Watch for poisonous snakes. It was venomous snakes, it said. Okay. That makes more sense. Yeah. No, it said venomous snakes. Because you don't eat it. You don't eat it. It's not snakes. It was venomous snakes, it said. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah, no, it said venomous snakes. Because you don't eat it.

You don't eat it. It's not poisonous. But like, couldn't a sign just have said watch for snakes? You know? Like, am I supposed to determine- Look out for snakes.

Am I supposed to determine the venomousness of the snake before I'm watching out for it? I know, like, is there a questionnaire it has to fill out before it bites me? Should I be nervous about that?

Florida's full of those fucking Burmese pythons now. Each snake comes with its own QR code, so you just scan it real quick. You're like, nope, got to stay away from that one. Oh, that one looks fine. Nope, can't go do that one. I was wrong. Nope, I was wrong.

I'm dying now. This one's Elon Musk. What is that? It's fucking venomous. Well, I get one of those pythons like all wrapped around you. Oh, I know. You said there's python problems down there too.

Yeah, and it's like you're like, oh, it's not venomous. I can't breathe though. Still a problem. They should put that on the side. Remember that python movie where that guy gets thrown up

out of a python? Yes. All right, so this lady's swimming in a fucking anal or canal or whatever she's doing. I like it better. And if you want to swim in an anal, you can go to AdamEve.com.

The woman refused to come out and began crawling further into the pipe. Okay. Firefighters were able to contain the woman between two sections of pipe and police said Delray... Was she a chud? What is happening?

Why do you want to be in this storm pipe thing? They use a ladder and a rescue harness to get her out. This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie. So they take her to the hospital. Then again, in 2021, they rescue her ass from a goddamn drain pipe. She's reported missing by her boyfriend. 20 days later, they find her stuck in a goddamn storm drain. She told officials she entered the drain system after swimming in the canal,

but later got lost and wandered through the tunnel for weeks. You know, she's like, she's like eating small snakes. She's like, she's like cracking open turtles like the guy from fucking Castaway. She's got a fucking volleyball. She's walking around down there. For weeks, Cecil. For weeks. She's drinking storm drain water, man.

She calls her volleyball DeSantis. DeSantis! Yes! She finds an old ice skate. She's knocking a tooth out of herself. Whatever she's got to do. She ties a snake around a door and shuts it and shoots the fucking tooth out of her mouth. My best line, Tom.

Read the last line. Two months after that incident, the news station reported that police in Texas said Kennedy was missing. She was later found in a goddamn storm train in Texas. This person is, this is a horror movie person. This is. This is the person who like in that It movie folds in half as they get pulled into a train. Did you ever, did you ever go play in the storm drains?

I was a kid, played in them all the time. I played in them too. Played in them all the time. I played in them too. It's so dangerous. Yeah, so dangerous. Because you could get lost for weeks it turns out. Well, you know, when I was a kid, the storm drains by me,

when I was a kid were not as like labyrinthian as these sound. They were pretty much, you know, two or three entrances and that was it. There wasn't like there was some like fucking maze underneath the pipes that fucking a clown lived in or whatever. It was, you know, there'd be a hole here, a hole here, maybe a hole here, and they would meet clown lived in or whatever. No. It was, it was, you know, there'd be a hole here, a hole here, maybe a hole here, and they would meet in the middle or whatever.

Right. But I remember there was always, when I was a kid, there was always satanic stuff down there. Oh, like pentagrams and shit like. Pentagrams. And people would be like,

you know, they, they do like the devil stuff and all that. And it was constant when I was a kid, always down there. And my older brothers used to try to scare, and they'd scare the shit out of me.

They'd be like, they'd be like screaming. That's what older brothers are for. They'd scare the hell out of me when I was a kid. Because that shit's scary when you're a kid. When you're a little kid

and you're like, you're by yourself or even if you're with your brothers or whatever. It doesn't matter. And they'd scream and they'd be like, like I remember one of them

And Echo's all crazy down there. into the room and he scared the shit out of me. They used to scare me all the time when they were, they were mean. They were mean. That's fine though. I'm pretending to get pulled into the room. He scared the shit out of me. They used to scare me all the time when they were there. They were mean. They were mean. That's fine, though.

I'm fine. I'm traumatically afraid of the dark nowadays. But other than that, I'm good. I'm fine. I went to bed until my 30s. I'm a stronger man now. I only hug my niece and cry in the dark now. You know, I weep when I sleep.

It's fine. It's fine, though. It's fine. It's all good. I'm a better man. You know what? Youep when I sleep, but you know, it's fine though. It's fine. It's all good. I'm a better man. You know what? You're not locked in.

You're not fucking lost in a fucking storm drain. Eating snakes for two weeks. All right. So this story comes from M live. This is, this is something else here. Drunken man poops on PT cruiser tells hospital staff his blood will be pure, natural ice. This guy had a tight five about the cheap beer he was drinking. He knew what he was going to say before him. The story's crazy. I don't even know that we have to

read it, but it's one of these stories where this guy is clearly fucking wasted, drinking way too much. And so they come up to him, they say, how much you've been drinking? Because he's drinking Natty Ice. He's drinking Natty Ice, which is- Oh, that is horrible. The thing is, it's not even,

people will compare it to seltzer water, but seltzer water is drinkable. Yeah, Natty Ice is bad. Natty Ice isn't drinkable. It tastes bad. Yeah. Natty Ice is bad. Natty Ice isn't drinkable. It tastes bad. Yeah. Natty Ice, and I like Natty Ice,

tastes like when you walk into a stadium bathroom. When you walk into like, if you go to like the fucking Cubs stadium, and you go to the fucking piss trough,

that stench. That smell is what it smells like. That's Natty Ice. The other day, I was talking to my wife. We were at home, Super Bowl day. Yeah.

And we made food and we were deciding to make dinner. And then we were like, I said, well, why don't we have a drink with dinner too? And so we decided what we're going to drink. She made a drink. She likes Amaretto Stone Sour.

Those are delicious. Which is Amaretto, orange juice, and whiskey sour mix, and then ice. Delicious drink. And they're delicious. They go down like... They don't have a lot of alcohol in them, but if you can drink enough of them, good stuff. It's a delicious drink. It's a great drink.

I was like, you know what I haven't had in a long time is a rum and Coke. Oh, I've had a rum and Coke before. And so I went over, and I have Kraken rum. Delicious spiced rum. Great rum. Yep. Terrific. So I went over, I grabbed the Kraken and I kind of poured it before I poured the soda. And then I mixed it. Well, I poured a, I had a little heavy pour in it, Tom. Sure. And I smelled it and I walked up to Sarah and I said, tell me this doesn't smell like the VFW. Cause at a hundred percent. Rum and Coke smells like the VFW. Smells like the VFW. You're not wrong.

There's like, this smells like, we're like, this alcohol smells like this place. Absolutely. Natty Light smells like Wrigley Field Urinal. Yes.

It smells like a piss trough. Smells like Wrigley Field Urinal. It smells like the Wrigley Field Urinal. If you guys have never gone, it is, you go to the bathroom and there is literally

just a trough. Yeah. There's no dividers. There's a huge— So you get crazy stage fright. And the worst part is, do you face somebody else, too? Yeah, you can piss from both sides. You can piss from both sides.

It's just— What if you really have to go, and you pee on the guy across? What if the other guy pees on you? Like, I'd rather be the peer than the pee. The worst—you know what you got to do is, you strategically plan that out so you're in the middle so you can run away because they have to go all the way around to get you oh that's true and then you bring a second shirt

I just don't piss there like that's like I'm just like nah I don't need to I'm a fucking grown ass dignified motherfucking adult I don't piss in a trough I went to the Bulls game the other day. Shoulder to shoulder. Like a couple of weeks ago, right?

It was the first Bulls game I'd ever been to. I've been to hockey games in United Center before, but I'd never been to a Bulls game. And I went and during the quarter, it was between the third and fourth quarter. They normally have like a two or three minute break. And so I got up in the third quarter and I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom to my wife. And I went, and the line,

it was for dudes, a line, super far line. And I was just like, holy shit. And I stood in the line and I waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited. And then you finally, it's like, you got to go. You're like, go, go, go, go, go. And then you got to get out of there because you want to go back to see the thing.

But it's crazy. And I'm always thinking to myself, I'm'm like somebody didn't design this well thank you if there's not enough p places you didn't because you know there's going to be a million people get up to go all go at the same time why do i need and then you know it there's not enough there's only like six stalls in there but like that's true of every major like gathering place venue. How many concerts have you been to where like,

there's never enough, like, were they people surprised there was this turnout today? How are you surprised at the turnout? And I think my- You know what the fucking venue holds.

And then they've got like, three, like three pissers. Three pissers. I don't, I also think like, as the pandemic went on, my bladder got smaller. Yeah,

because you're always near a bathroom. Because I'm always near a bathroom. So I just get up and go when I just, I never, I'm never like uncomfortably have to go anymore. And so like, I haven't blown up that balloon for a while.

And so now I'm just like, every time I'm like sitting there and I'm like, it's the second quarter. I peed when I came in, but I know I'm going to have to pee again. See, I'm just like, every time I'm like sitting there and I'm like, it's the second quarter. I peed when I came in, but I know I'm going to have to pee again. See, I'm chronically dehydrated. I just don't remember to drink during the day,

like a lot. Yeah. So it's, and that's great. So it's thick like snot. Is that what you're saying? It's like a gel. It's like a gel, like it's supposed to be.

But like, like Haley gives me a hard time. She's like, you really should drink liquids. You're going to die. And I'm like, all right, fine. And then I'll get on a kick where I start drinking. All it takes is one kidney stone.

It makes me. You will drink. You will never stop drinking things. I'm sure I will. For the rest of your life. You'll like literally walk around with an IV bag. Like I just don't. I like, when I start drinking,

I'll like kind of like I'll drink more because I just have, but I can easily go all day without having anything to drink. But then she'll get, you know then she'll get on me to not die and I'll be like, okay, that's actually a good point. And then I'm like,

now I know why I don't do this. I got to fucking piss every 30 minutes. Every 30 minutes. I don't want to do that. I'd rather be dehydrated. Put me in an early grave. I got shit to do. I'm not running to the can every 10 minutes.

That is one thing about working from home is my bladder size. That is the one thing. So I will say though, the best thing- We didn't finish this. We didn't finish this. We talked about natural light

and then we stopped. Go ahead. We talked about pissing. I do want to just make the point that the best thing to do to a PT cruiser is to shit on it. Well, what's crazy is-

That is the best use of a PT cruiser. They pull him out of the car. He's drunk as shit. And they put him and they put him up against his own car and then he just drops

drowning shits on his own bumper. And he's a fucking riot because he's like, they then asked the man on a scale from 1 to 10 how drunk he was. He responded, I'm at a 5. I'll be honest, I'm drunk. Dude, if that's a 5, what is a 10 for you? If you're shitting on your own car at a 5, what is your 10?

That's amazing. What is this guy's 7? Oh my God. Holy shit. I could, I've never shat outside drunk. I've been pretty fucking drunk.

I've never been like shit outside drunk. I haven't either. So years ago when we were kids, when we were like, before we could drink, but we were old enough

where we wanted to drink, we used to get someone to buy us beer. Very often it was my older brother who would do it for us. We were 18 or so. My brother was 22, right? Okay. Yeah, right.

Age old enough, perfect. I had an in with somebody who could easily do it. We also had other contacts that could easily buy us drinks. And so we used to buy those drinks and then we'd go out to a wilderness place and drink them. Sure. Forest with a bonfire. There was also another place that we used to really like to go,

and it was crazy. It was underneath the overpass in Lamont. So I don't know if you know where Lamont is, but underneath the overpass, we used to all go down there, and it would be guys and girls, a bunch of us. And we would, there would be, you know, maybe 10 or 15 people. And we'd get a couple cases of beer and people would drink and hang out and we'd have like a little fire.

And it was under an overpass. I mean, it was just weird, but it was wide open to the traffic. And we did it for months. I mean, months and months and months while we were in. And it was like, this is my senior year. So this is like, you know, near the end of high school. It's cold out. And I remember sitting underneath there and the cops come and the cops don't want to fill out paperwork. So they just dumped all our beer out. But while they're talking to us, four of us are standing there. We're like, hey man, can we just go like piss over here? All of us have to go.

And he's like, fine, just go. And like four of us all run like all of us have to go. And he's like, fine, just go. And like four of us all run over and pee and have to go. That was the night that we put a Mustang in the drink that night. Oh, is that when you jumped? The same night we put a Mustang in the water. They sent us home. They said, go, just go. Well, I had to go.

And the guy I'm with is buzzed pretty bad. And so he's driving his 5.0 Mustang. And, you know, I'm also drunk too. It's not like I could just jump in the car and drive. And so he's drunk. We're all drunk. And they said, go. And you're not going to just sit there, right?

So you go. I don't want to fill out any paperwork. You guys should definitely drive home. And my drunk friend pulls up and there's an IROC Z. Do you remember these? Oh, yeah, I do. And he's right next to it. He starts revving his engine. Well, the IROC Z. Do you remember these? Oh, yeah, I do. And he's right next to it. He starts revving his engine.

Well, the IROC Z starts revving his engine. Well, we have to turn right to go to Denny's to sober up. But he doesn't care. He fucking ignites the tires and we take off and we go straight and we blow this guy away because he's got like a 5.0 with like a lot of modifications on it. Sure.

We turn the corner into this business park and he hits the gas again and he's going really fast and I scream at him like Frankie stop sign. Well it's a T. Oh no. He just tries to blow it.

Well he hits the gas and we fucking dukes the hazard into a pond. Because he just like he hits the gas. He doesn't slow down. He thinks

well there's a stop sign I'll just blow it. It's not a big deal. He fucking lays on the gas and I'm like Frankie yeah. And then they pause in the air and they're like

how the Duke boys gonna get out of this one and then we they don't we landed in the water and as soon as we land in the water I look over and I'm like

and I start I'm drunk so I start to open the door well we're in a pond and we're sinking and it won't open and I go and I look over

I'm like Frankie the door won't open and he at this point is already scuba diver up on his thing he's rolled down his window he's like

he's like use the use the window dude and then he holds his nose and so I start rolling down the window but it's electric and it shorts out

when it gets to here oh my god and then I got caught and I got dragged down with the thing underwater underwater but I broke the window so I I must have I got caught and I was sh down with the thing. Underwater. Underwater. But I broke the window.

So I must have, I got caught and I was shimmying. And then I just broke the window. And then I swam to shore. And the hardest part of that whole thing was, it was 35 degrees out. So it wasn't icy. God damn, that's cold. But it was cold.

That's cold to be wet, dude. The worst part about it was I was in my combat boots. Trying to swim in combat boots is really, really hard. I bet it's hard. I gave up on my legs eventually. I just pulled myself with my arms because my legs weren't doing anything.

Yeah, your legs are just... They were like, when you combat boots, you're just like, and nothing's happening. And I'm just like, fuck. And then we walked down the road.

We were freezing and we went to this motel and we walked down to this motel because we're in a business park. There's nothing there. Right. And so it takes a quarter mile to a half mile

to get to any place that's open and it's a motel. And we asked the guy, we just wreck a business park. There's nothing there. And so it's a quarter mile to a half mile to get to any place that's open. And it's a motel. And we asked the guy, we just wrecked our car. Can we use your phone? He's like, if you're not a paying customer, I can't let you use the phone. You're fucking soaking wet.

It's 35 degrees out. And my buddy Frankie spit on the glass window. Oh my God. Frankie sounds like a treat. Frankie was a piece of work. And then we went across the street and we called from a payphone and I just shivered for 25 minutes

until my mom came to get me in 18. But we put his fucking in the fucking drink that same night when they sent us on our way. But did he get arrested for it later? I don't think so. I think he got a ticket for driving too fast. Did he get his car out of it? They pulled his car out the next day

and it was completely, obviously ruined. But I remember when we landed in the water, I turned the music off. I remember clearly turning the music off. I remember the first, that's funny because I remember the first car accident I got in.

It was like a pretty good crash and I had a Mustang too. And it was in college in the parking lot It's funny because I remember the first car accident I got in. It was like a pretty good crash. I had a Mustang too. And it was in college in the parking lot. And somebody like railed into the fucking passenger side of me. And I was all shocked. And I didn't even see him coming. And I remember like, and the car turned itself off.

I got hard enough that the car turned off. But the music was still on. And I was like, surprised that the radio still worked. I was like, oh, click, click. You gotta turn that off. You're just like, holy, it's like you gotta collect yourself, but you're like, all right, that's a little loud for this, right? I don't need a soundtrack at the moment. It's fine when the engine's on, but now it feels a little excessive.

Yeah, now it feels a little rude, actually. So, I thought when I first read this story that it was just like regular porn, but it's not regular porn. It's not. It's not regular porn. It's not regular porn. It feels was just like regular porn, but it's not regular porn. It's not regular porn. It's not regular porn. It feels like it is from Utah, but it's not.

Like you would think maybe it might be illegal in Utah, but it's not. It's not. Utah's porn sniffing dog dies after putting numerous offenders behind bars. And there's like this picture of this adorable like black lab whose name is URL. I love that the dog's name was URL. It's so good. It's so great. I wonder if this was one of these like Bitey McBite

faces where they ask people to name it. What should we name the porn sniffing dog? The porn sniffing dog and they're like name it URL. Yeah, but this is a dog that was crazy as they could find like they taught it to sniff for micro SD cards and SD cards. Yeah.

And, like, USB drives and things. So, when they raid a house that they think is going to have, like, child sexual exploitation materials on it, like, they have to find, they're not just, like, going to go grab the fucking computer because, like, these people might on these like tiny little micro sd cards squirreled away and like yeah so they taught a dog to sniff out fucking sd cards and like usb drives and stuff i i kind of fucking amazing like these fucking sniffy dogs i think they're so amazing i've had dogs my whole life yeah my dogs can't fucking shake hands like i had like it's like one of those things where you see like these dogs that can do all this shit. And then you look over your dog and you're like, the fuck is wrong with you?

Grow. Like what is, what are you doing? What are you doing? Or train it. I've been unsuccessful. I am not a good dog trainer. I am not a good dog.

Do you think that dog was just going to pick it up organically? I don't know you know like fucking kids he didn't learn anything organically they don't learn anything I didn't even know how to add to it Jesus Christ couldn't stop his foot to four if you can't terrible driver terrible driver

my dogs know I've tried to train I had my dog Murray I took him to the like obedience classes yeah i did like i did like weeks and weeks of obedience classes he was kind of he was good adjacent occasionally that's like as good as i ever got him was good adjacent like i'm just not you have to be so disciplined and you have to be so like on top of it all the time you never let up yeah in order to make that shit happen.

Cause they're fucking amazing animals or they're just like people where you're just like, I just lay on the couch and fart. And that could be my whole life. Yeah. Like forever. And like all the dogs I've ever had have been like lay on the couch and fart dogs. Former Colorado funeral home owner sentenced to 20 years for selling body parts. If you guys are not looking at the video,

this lady has the hair of somebody that sells body parts. Her hair screams, I sell body parts. She kind of looks like she's smuggling body parts in her hair somewhere. That hair is like- Do you remember the scene from Goodfellas where he takes his wife

and he makes her get all the diamonds out of her hair? Like you do that with her and fingers. That hair is like... Do you remember the scene from Goodfellas where he takes his wife and he makes her get all the diamonds out of her hair? Like, you do that with her and fingers. Right. Just like... Eyeball, finger, kidney.

It's like, that hair is like... Do you ever watch the show Schitt's Creek? Mm-mm, no. Oh, shit. She has hair just like a character.

Her hair is a fucking joke. It's fucking great, guys. If you don't... go to the web. Go, go, watch this on our YouTube. Check it out. This is one of those stories, though, that's like just genuinely mean to do to people. Oh, yeah.

I get like, like, like, I don't care what happens to me after I'm dead because I'm dead, right? So I don't care what happens to me. I mean, I do. I have some idea of what I kind of want to happen, but it's, it's but it's my sentimental living brain wants something to happen to me

that my dead body will not put up a fight with. You know what I mean? But even still, when you take somebody's body and against their wishes, sell parts of them, like cut them up and sell parts of them, you're like,

I mean, you're going against the wishes of the family. You're going against the wishes of what the person wanted. You know what I mean? Like I get, I understand it's just a fucking pile of meat, but I also get too that there's people who were attached to that meat for a really long time. And they get sad when you take off like parts of it and sell it.

Yeah, I like, I don't give a shit what happens to my body when I die, but like I want whatever Haley wants to be a comfort to her to be a comfort to her, right? And I would assume whoever goes first, vice versa. I don't want parts of us chopped up and randomly sold. That's like, that steals somebody's comfort. I know.

Also, like, why is there this much of a market for unvetted body parts? Shouldn't there be some kind of like, if I sell artwork, right? I have to show the providence of the artwork, right? There has to be a chain of artwork custody. Oh, I have a Mona Lisa. Do you? Where'd you get it from? Here's my certificate of authenticity.

I feel like bodies should have a certificate of authenticity. This is an original Tom Curry left arm. And he said it was, he wanted to sell it to you. Right. You know, like I'd give my left arm for that. She's walking around with a trench coat full of arms. Hey, doc, you want to buy an arm? What are they doing with it?

Well, I don't really know. Like, what do you do with, like, you want to buy an arm? What are they doing with it? Well, I don't really know. Like, what do you do with, like, I guess. Are you selling to Brad Pitt so he can make soap? Like, what is happening? We're selling the fat asses back to them. I know that there is like some market for research body parts. So like research laboratories, med students, that kind of stuff. But like,

how fucking lucrative can this be? Also, like, why does the funeral home sell the parts? Wouldn't I, as the family,

get the money? I don't give the funeral home. I'm not like, oh, okay, I'll give you the body then you figure out. Yeah,

I got to pay you the money of this exorbitant amount of money to bury him, but you could just do whatever you want with it after it's over. Bury him or sell him. I don't care. But here's a lot of money to do that. So the Pope Palpatine died, Tom, but this story

is from that time, and it's about how we check whether popes are dead or not. Yeah, and it turns out it's not with a hammer. It's not with a hammer. Which until I read this story,

I never thought that it would be with a hammer. So the claim, when a pope dies, his death is confirmed in part by tapping his head. So if he's not dead... I churned.

If he's not dead after you hit him with the hammer, he might be dead. He might be dead now. Yeah, he might be dead. I feel like it's not... It's not like a small sledgehammer or a claw hammer. This is like a ceremonial little baby tap hammer. So, you hit him with a hammer

hard enough to tell if he's dead, but if he's alive, just like hard enough to like annoy him? He's like, he's like laying there. He's like,

dude, I was fucking sleeping. Why do you give, every day you hit me with this? I'm a million years old. I have to sleep 19 hours a day. Every day with the Pope hammer.

This is how you wake me up. It'd be awesome if that's what his alarm was. Early mass. Wakey, wakey. Fucking banging on his nugget every morning. They just hold a fucking like bell right up on his skin and boom, boom. Well, it makes sense because Jesus was a carpenter, right? So this is like clearly a solution

by a guy who took the adage, when all you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail. Every problem is a nail. Every pope is a nail. It's just... I love that there was also a time when people were like,

yeah, we don't really know how dead works. I don't really know when things are dead. I can't tell how that works. Is he dead? Yeah. I don't know. I shook him vigorously. I don't really know when things are dead. I can't tell. Is he dead? Yeah. I don't know. I shook him vigorously. I don't know.

He seems not good at least. You would think like the indicators for life seem pretty evident. Like have we not invented the mirror? Hold a fucking mirror up to his. Are you breathing? Yeah. Hold your hand and bring over his nose and see if he like breathes through that. What the fuck?

If he trembles at all or whatever. I do that to my wife all the time while she's sleeping. I just hold her nose closed until she shakes. Just like,

hey, wait, now you're awake. It's a weird serial killer thing. It's cute. It's cute. That's what all this is. You got to keep a marriage fresh after 25 years.

I also cook out of the Hannibal cookbook. By the way, have you seen the Hannibal TV show? No. Well, yeah, a few times. I've not seen all of it, but I've seen some episodes. Man. The dark fucking show.

It's a dark show. It's a dark show. It's not good. Yeah. In the sense that it's like intelligent or good plots. But it is beautiful. Like artistically, that show is shot really well

and the food in it, I'm like, fucking sign me up. I'll eat it, whatever. I don't care what it is. I literally do not care what it is. I'm like,

you don't have to tell me what it is. It's probably sourced from that funeral director from the last story. Yeah, exactly. Like, I don't even care. I'm just like,

I don't mind. You made it. It looks amazing. It looks amazing. All the food in that series, it looks outstanding. And you know they're eating people sometimes. Well, I mean,

that's how Bobby Flay got his name, right? So. The Pope's really tender because you just tenderize him with that meat. You hit him with the hammer so many times. You just constantly hit him with the hammer. You hit him with the hammer so many times. All the time, you're just constantly hitting him with the hammer. His face, his fucking face

is like a fucking, it's like a, it's like a Wienerschnitzel. It's all wide. It's all flattened out. It's all flat. I don't know a whole lot about like medicine stuff,

but I do have to think that there's got to be a better solution than hitting somebody in the fucking head with a hammer. You know? Sometimes, sometimes there is not. I will say that. And if it's a Pope, I don't care. The problem is after you hit him with the hammer, he forgets everything. You got to hit him again to get his memory back. It's a whole fucking three's company problem. Tom, this story endears me to Wisconsin. Oh, every melted butter clogs historic canal and storm drains after dairy

plant fire in Wisconsin. Did they find somebody in the storm drain? There's that lady. They're stuck in there. They're like, they want to have a bear, so she's all stuck in there. She can't move. She's like sealed in there like a fucking, like a confit. She just looks around and she's like,

I knew this lobster would come in handy. Just dips it in a canal. She's like dragging bread across the ceiling. She's moving just a little bit to warm it up. So good. So good. So anyway, there was a dairy

fire. Is that what happened? Yeah. How does a dairy fire happen? I don't know how a dairy fire even happens. It's a dairy plant. It caught on fire. Probably big. And then it shit a bunch of fucking cream and butter all over the place.

It's just shooting out there. It's like a big popcorn in the microwave. It's just shitting stuff out. I read this story and I really had to ruminate on it for a while because it was utterly ridiculous. Ruminate? You had to ruminate on it? Oh, man.

I just had to ask myself, how could it happen? You're really milking this one. How could it happen? So good. You know, the worst part is the firefighters who showed up

to put this out and fix the problem, they were all lactose intolerant. They were sick for months. It was terrible. Fucking this fire brought to you by Ben and Jerry.

Ben and Jerry, sponsors of the Wisconsin Dairy Farm. I love that it can fucking, there's so much butter that it just fills up. There's like a whole canal of butter. There's a whole canal of butter and then the sewer's full of it.

And then you know some of these people were like, well, this is so good. This five second rule. Yeah, right. Five second rule on the butter. There's that lady from the first story who's just like runs over. I know, she's stuck in it. Slip and slides her way across it. She's stuck in it like a fucking, like a potted shrimp.

What is happening with this story? This story is from the Miami New Times. This is my favorite one that we read. This is my favorite one that we read. Miami, man. Oh, boo. New Times, boo. Is it real if it's New Times?

Is it real? Is this a fake paper? I don't even care. Does anyone care? Does anybody care that this is fake? Look, guys, if all of this is fake, I literally don't care. It could New Times. Is it real? Is this a fake paper? I don't even care. Does anyone care? Does anybody care that this is fake? Look, guys, if all of this is fake, I literally don't care. It could be fake.

It's Miami's independent source for local news and culture. I say that's fake. There's no culture in Miami. Yeah, that's actually true. Miami man injured by falling iguana during outdoor yoga class. Tom, you have to read this.

For 14 years, yoga instructor Anna Margaret Sanchez has taught a free community class at Legion Park in Miami's Upper East Side neighborhood. It started with 20 people and grew over time to the point where attendance can easily top 100. And regulars have braved hurricane watches and

COVID lockdowns to meet under the oak trees on Saturday morning. Sanchez live streams the session so those who can't make it in person can participate on Instagram. The first Saturday of 2023 drew an especially large crowd. The weather was lovely and only seven days into the new year

resolutions still glinted with potential. Let me tell you why I love this story. The writing is so good. It's so good. What is, look at Miami New Times. You are busting out some real fucking writers here. It's good. It's good.

This is a great story. Either you are drawing me in, you're painting me a picture. I feel like I'm there. I feel like I want to join this guy's Instagram. I got my fucking Lulu lemon pants on just reading this fucking story. You're ready to fall into a pose and fall asleep for half an hour. It was really a beautiful day, Sanchez remembers. I kept saying,

don't forget to look up at the beautiful trees and the beautiful sky. You won't believe what happened next. The class proceeded as usual for 47 minutes. Breathing exercises, upward and downward dog, warrior, triangle, seated stretching poses. As always, Sanchez

concluded this writing it's so instructing yogis to roll onto their backs lift their hips and begin to look inward you know when i give that advice i know how that story is and it's not with a falling iguana it was then that when you sigh can you sigh inward is that okay it was then that a series of noises, tree branches rustling, a loud thud, a cacophony of gas.

A cacophony? You don't see a lot of cacophonies in newspapers nowadays. There's not a lot of cacophonies. Guys, I think we're going

to close the press. Sanchez can be heard saying, I'm going to take care of someone who just got an iguana dropped on his face. He dropped an iguana from a tree. On his face.

Yeah, in the middle of Florida. And there's a fucking like four foot lizard in a tree. Are you kidding me right now? Jesus. What the fuck, lizard? What's your deal? You know, the problem is the lizard was following along with the class. It lost its balance.

It's doing warrior pose. It's got its fucking, like, its little fucking hood is all out. Falls down. Now, iguanas. Yeah, I had one as a pet. Are they natural to that area? Or were they introduced and now they're invasive?

I don't know that answer. I don't know. I saw when I was in Belize, there were iguanas just like all over the place. You had an iguana as a pet. I had an iguana. Aren't they big though? Yeah.

So when I first got him, he was this cute green lizard and he was super cool. And I could take him out and he would like start to get there. I fucking lizards. They don't really care about you. Like they don't, you can't like, you can acclimate them to your touch,

but they don't give a shit about you. Like they can't love you or anything. So like he was kind of cool for a while. You're going to get so much email, Tom. I know. You're going to get so much email. Look, your reptiles don't love you. You're going to get so much email.

I think your reptiles love you people. Go ahead. They don't. I think they do. But then like after they get a certain size and they reach, like a lot of animals, they reach sexual maturity, they get pissy. Okay. And so like this thing got. So they hump your hand or whatever?

No, they try to attack everything. He went from being pretty cool, and then he got really fucking big, and then was absolutely unmanageable. He was just in his cage all the time, and any time I went to put my hand in the cage to feed him or whatever, I had a big cage for him, maybe five feet long.

Jesus. My dad made it for me. Like a five feet long, maybe two feet high, maybe two and a half feet deep. So it was a big cage. But this fucker was huge. And it would just whip its a five feet long, maybe two feet high, maybe two and a half feet deep. So it was a big cage. But this fucker was huge. And like, it would whip its tail back and forth and like, it was all kinds of vicious. What'd you do with it?

I gave it away. Some lady that I worked with wanted it. So I was bitching about it at work one day. I was working at Circuit City and I was bitching about this iguana and how it was not friendly. And she's like, oh, I love those things. I'll take it. And I was like, it's yours. And she came and got it. Wow. She loved it. She thought it was great. She thought it was not friendly. And she's like, oh, I love those things. I'll take it. And I was like, it's yours. And she came and got it. Wow.

She loved it. She thought it was great. She thought it was a great pet. I don't understand how that's a great pet. It's a mean ass goddamn giant lizard. It did not like people. But she was thrilled with it. So I was like, that's great.

Worked out for both of us. Worked out great. Yeah. It was awesome. I've never had the desire to want reptiles. It's not a thing. I just, for me, it's not. Those little green

and old lizards. They're like, they turn like green or brown. Yeah. So like they'll change a little bit of color. So I had green and old lizards and they feed them like mealworms

or whatever. They were fine, but like honestly, they're fucking boring. Like they just sit there being warm. Yeah. They don't climb on you

and don't do stuff and like, you know. They don't care about you. don't do stuff and like, you know. They don't care about you. So like you can take them out and they try to run all over the place and then you try hard to catch them.

Like my cats care about me. They want to see where I'm at. They want to interact with me. They want to be by me. Good pets. Like lizards are terrible pets. Yeah. They just.

Dogs are the same way. Dogs want to know about you. They want to follow you around. They want to like you and like get respect, like whatever, get attention from you. Even some like

rodent-y animals are that way. Like guinea pigs can form a bond with you. Rats actually can form a bond with you. Yeah. Some people have good experience

with the rabbits as pets, but like lizards and snakes, they don't fucking care. They got fucking lizard brains. They don't give a shit. They're just like. I always wonder that because I know people

carry snakes around with them and they have snakes with them. They can acclimate to you. So they don't mind you. It's just they don't care about you. Yeah, it's not like they're excited when you come home.

They're just like, this thing carries me and that's a thing that carries me. It's not a, you know, care. That's been my experience. I know we will get

fucking messages. I'm sure we'll get tons of messages that'll be like, they're the best pets you've ever had. Great. I'm glad you like your pets.

They protect my kids from burglars or whatever. I'm glad you take your lizard on a walk on a leash or whatever you do with it. Like, that's awesome. I think, you know, like, I think I've never been able to get into it. Clearly, it's not for me. But I think that there's, you know, there's a range of people who have what I would consider a bizarre pet.

When people have like a tarantula or something like that. But there's people who love those things. I know. They love them. To each their own. They love to have them and they love to like interact with them

and they love to like feed them and do all the caring for them. And there's all kinds of very strange pets. I had a friend who had a chinchilla when I was a kid

and it didn't like people either. It was, he could hold it but I don't think anybody else really could. Yeah. It wasn't one, but it was like a,

I kind of wanted one when I was a kid because they're super cute and soft. They're really soft. But it had to like bathe in dust. Yeah, they do dust baths. Yeah, so you have to put dust on the ground

and it rolls around in dust all the time and does stuff. Yeah, I'm too old for caged pets. As far as I'm concerned, anything that lives in a cage doesn't live in my house. Yeah. Like I don't, you know what I mean?

Yeah, no, yeah. Like if it, I don't need to deal with that. I'm not cleaning up a litter, like a litter box is one thing, but like a cage. You had guinea pigs for a while, right? I did have guinea pigs

and guinea pigs, they will form a bond. So like I had guinea pigs when I would walk in the room, they would squeak and like run to the side of the cage and they wanted to be like picked up and like taken out of the cage.

So they can form a bond with you. Rats are smart enough. They can form a bond with you. Some of those like piss rat animals are fine. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't want them anymore. I don't blame you.

I don't want them. I like my cats. I like cats too. I'm a cat guy. I'd be a dog guy if I had the patience for it. I like dogs too. Yeah. I like dogs too.

My lifestyle is better for cats. Yeah, for sure. I can go out. The cats are fine. I come home. They're happy to see me. Yeah. Sometimes they're not and that's okay too. Yeah. Or they're indifferent. They'd be like, yeah, whatever. I was sleeping. You're like, cool. Awesome. All right. So that's going to wrap it up for this week. We'll be back on Monday with a brand new show. We're going to leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter,

mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized,

stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch,

late night info-docutainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls bigfoot yeti aliens churches mosques and synagogues temples dragons giant worms atlantis dolphins truthers birthers witches wizards vaccine, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double speak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody.

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