Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 676: Eggnog Deep Fake

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

Show Notes...

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 So before we jump in, I want to say no Tom this week. Sorry, everybody. Tom is still very, very sick. And secondly, there is no video this week. It won't be showing on Twitch. I did have a couple guests this week. We're going to jump right in here in a second. And I'm very thankful that a couple people jumped on with me
Starting point is 00:00:15 and we were able to do a show. We're hoping Tom feels better by midweek next week. I'll talk about all that at the end of the show. Also, if you want to send Tom any messages or anything, listen to the end of the show and Also, if you want to send Tom any messages or anything, listen to the end of the show, and you'll hear how to do that. All right, without further ado, let's jump right in. Today's show is brought to you by adamandeve.com.
Starting point is 00:00:38 Go to adamandeve.com right now, and you'll get 50% off just about any item. All you have to do is enter the code word GLORY, G-L-O-R-Y, at checkout. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hall studios in chicago and beyond this is cognitive dissonance every episode we blast anyone that gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical.
Starting point is 00:01:34 It's political. And there is no skirt-a-boo. I don't know that they're going to believe that that's not Tom. I think they're going to know it's you, Eli. I think that that... Or maybe Elmo. Heath, why don't you give it a shot? See if you can do a Tom voice.
Starting point is 00:01:52 See if we can trick the... Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance from my rainy window pan that I sit in front of. Every episode, we blast anything that gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political.
Starting point is 00:02:14 And there is no Scoobadoo. I think both of you really crushed it. Here's the thing, guys. You guys did, but here's the thing. So, I asked Ian to maybe try to do a little intro. I was like, hey, can you do it? Because you know they're doing the AI voice thing, right?
Starting point is 00:02:32 So if you feed a little bit of stuff into a computer now, they kind of got this thing where it's like an AI voice, right? So somebody had sent us an AI. You have an AI voice at Tom? Well, so it's really not a great one. This one dude who sent us an email a while back had a really good one. It was a really good AI voice at Tom.
Starting point is 00:02:54 And I may play that for you after these. But anyway, I gave him the intro and he gave me these two. So here's the two. The first one sounds a little like him. The second one sounds weird as fuck. So here's the first one And the first one sounds a little like him. The second one sounds weird as fuck. So here's the first one. Play this one for you.
Starting point is 00:03:10 Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance. So not bad, right? I mean, it doesn't sound exactly like him. It's pretty good. If Tom had had proper nutrition as a child, that's how Tom would sound. One less box mac and cheese that would have been Tom. One less how dumb it sounds. All right. One less box
Starting point is 00:03:25 mac and cheese that would have been one less car wash or whatever. Exactly. Yeah. So here's the other one though.
Starting point is 00:03:31 So I want to play this other one for you because it's fucking hilarious. This one doesn't, I'm going to play this one I think all the way through
Starting point is 00:03:38 because it's got weird moments in it. You're just like, what is happening? I don't even know what's happening in it. So here we go. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago
Starting point is 00:03:48 and beyond. This is cognitive dissonance. Every episode, we blast anyone that gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news. What the fuck? It's skeptical. It's political.
Starting point is 00:04:05 And there is no welcome, Matt. This is episode six. Something, something. Ian, fix it in post. Okay, was the entry data for that AI Tom having an orgasm? Are you seriously right? Sure was. Where did Ian get that?
Starting point is 00:04:23 I love what you've done here, which is basically take Tom's biggest fear and make it create Tom. Yes. If you had a flawless one, that would be great. Hold on. There's nobody better set up to have this shit replace us than us. Hold on a second though. You've got it.
Starting point is 00:04:40 Now you've got to listen to the synthesized audio that someone, I'm not going to play this whole thing. It's like a couple minutes long. But somebody did a synthesized audio version of Tom's voice. So here we go. I stand before you today with a passion in my heart, a fervor in my soul, and a cup of eggnog in my hand. For I come to speak to you about one of the greatest beverages known to humankind, eggnog. Eggnog with its creamy, velvety texture and its rich, indulgent flavor is not just a drink.
Starting point is 00:05:08 It is a sensation. It goes on like that for a very long time. It's a two-minute thing. But doesn't that sound... I mean, it doesn't sound exactly right. So, like, I know you can tell it's not him. But you couldn't... Like, if you heard that from another room,
Starting point is 00:05:20 you'd be like, is that Tom? Wow. Eggnog deepfake. That is also going to be terrifying for Tom. And let's be clear, ChatGPT4, which is multimodal, comes out next fucking week. So a month or two from now, we're
Starting point is 00:05:34 going to be like, oh, my throat's bothering me a little bit. Do you mind if the computer reads my fucking scripts? And then the computer's going to be like, how the fuck did it do that right away? Of course it'll be able to do that. We have hundreds and hundreds of hours of our voices. We're fucked, gents. Nobody does it just right.
Starting point is 00:05:51 How's your resume look, guys? Shut up. Yeah, it's great. Let's see, you bartended, what, 10 years ago? And I didn't even bartend 10 years ago? Okay, all right. So I haven't even introduced the show. This is 676.
Starting point is 00:06:03 Thank you, Eli and Heath, for joining. Tom is again sick. So sick and very sick with COVID. He sent me a message today, said he could not, actually yesterday said he could not record. I was lucky enough to find Eli Bosnick and Heath Enright from Scathing Atheist, Godawful Movies, Skeptocrat, D&D Minus, Citation Needed, and Dear Old Dad dads, anything else? Am I missing anything else there? I think that's it, right? At this point, I'm recorded every time I speak, so we're all good. So these guys stepped up to the plate to join me this week so we could do some news items, hang out, and chill.
Starting point is 00:06:36 So guys, are you ready to jump in? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about the news in the world right now. I can't fucking wait. Well, let's start. Let's start with this story from Mediaite. Tucker Carlson airs January 6th footage
Starting point is 00:06:51 to rewrite the history of the Capitol riot. And his quote there was, they were sightseers. Now, Tuck here was given 40,000 hours of security footage of the January 6th insurrection by Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy. Just barely asterisk. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:09 And he dug through that and he found like five or six nonviolent scenes. And then he declared the whole thing to be a Democratic hoax. And then he lied again and said that the election was stolen right afterwards. He might as well have played the footage backward and been like, Democratic hoax. And then he lied again and said that the election was stolen right afterwards. He might as well have played the footage backward and been like, they're cleaning up. Look at their cleaning.
Starting point is 00:07:32 They're cleaning, you guys. It's like he ran 40,000 hours through, you know, Nazi Bing chat bot. And he was like, here you go, here's a montage I made you. Look at them all being meek.
Starting point is 00:07:42 He said meek, if I remember correctly. He was like, look, they're being all humble and meek and orderly. Look at them all being meek. He said meek, if I remember correctly. He was like, look, they're being all humble and meek and orderly. Look at them. They're standing behind
Starting point is 00:07:49 a velvet rope waiting to get in and look at them just standing there. They're very orderly digging through fucking Nancy Pelosi's desk looking for the secrets.
Starting point is 00:08:01 Well, and that's the part that always, that makes me insane about this because I actually went and watched the segment. Cause I was like, Oh, I don't want to miss it.
Starting point is 00:08:07 But like, even if you were like, yeah, they were this peaceful the whole time. They're still fucking trespassing. If you walked into your bedroom tonight after the recording, and I was just gently pawing through your underwear drawer, you wouldn't be like,
Starting point is 00:08:21 now that is some nonviolent, excellent behavior. Yeah. The Capitol was not open that day. When you go inside something that's not open, that's a crime. It's like I'm teaching kindergarten. Like, don't go in the closed thing and flush. Like, we have to tell Republicans this stuff. Who is believing this, right?
Starting point is 00:08:42 Like, who's his, The thing that bothers me the most about this isn't that there's a Tucker Carlson, isn't that Tucker Carlson spits lies out that reach millions of people. It's that those lies hit people and they believe them. So there's somebody out there who is like blown away by the peekaboo game. They're just like, oh my God, you were behind your hands the whole fucking time. Are you kidding me? Holy shit. Call industrial light and magic. Warlock.
Starting point is 00:09:09 But it's that if every other piece of media was like, hey, there's a guy behind those hands. Yeah. And every time he's behind those hands,
Starting point is 00:09:18 he talks about how much he fucking hates you and how stupid you are. Deep state Jew. Yeah. Didn't he describe it as like, oh, they were just like taking a tour
Starting point is 00:09:28 of the inside of the, like they were doing like a nice guided tour of the bank vault. No idea how they got in there, but that doesn't matter. They were just like an orderly fucking tour. Get out of here. I grabbed this quote because I love it so much.
Starting point is 00:09:43 They were peaceful. They were orderly and meek. These are not insurrectionists. Protesters queue up in neat little lines. They give each other's tours outside the speaker's office. They take cheerful selfies and smile. I'm just like, dude, what do you not understand about
Starting point is 00:09:57 the illegal part about this? Here's a little girl walking past the Capitol with an oversized lollipop. Look at her. She's just walking. She's a patriot. She's got a flag. The thing that I don't get too is in the middle of this. Now, Fox is in this big Dominion lawsuit right now.
Starting point is 00:10:14 And I'm like, he's still, no, the election was stolen. He's saying this shit out loud while they're in the middle of this sort of big Dominion thing where they were trying to backpedal from that for like weeks. And I can't help but think like Tucker, after all this is over, is going to be like sipping out of a Kobayashi cup and his limp's going to go away and he's going to get in the car with dominion with all the money they got from Fox and just drive away, man. Drive off into the sunset. Yeah, baby. Also, this is the thing that all these idiots don't understand. And I mean this, viewers
Starting point is 00:10:50 and hosts alike, like the law takes time. So these idiots are like, I got away with it. Sure, there's blue sirens and cops behind me, but I got away with it. Look at all these diamonds I got in my fucking head. You know, Alex Jones owes people like a trillion dollars, right?
Starting point is 00:11:06 And everyone was like, there'll never be any justice because it took a court. They needed a lady in a bathrobe to go. I'm the final boss cop. Clack, clack. Give him a billion dollars. That's what's going to happen with Dominion. And then fucking Fox Media is going to be broken up into tiny chunks. They're going to be fighting for Roku airtime with OAN,
Starting point is 00:11:27 you know, whatever that fucking thing is. OAN, that is. I love that all these court cases are just making it so clear that Tucker's like, he's like on record in court proceedings. Oh, I know, I know. He had like, Fox's lawyers had to be like, no reasonable person could think anything he ever says is real. So you can't
Starting point is 00:11:45 sue us for him lying. He's ridiculous. He's absurd. That's their lawyers. That's his company's lawyers. Dragging people outside. Anyone take this man and his little baby bow tie seriously. No, no. So there's another story that's linked to this. This is from Huffington Post. Senate Republicans rip Tucker Carlson's January 6th riot coverage. So I guess there's a few Senate members and House members on the Republican side that didn't really go along with Tucker's complete fabrication of events of January 6th. And even Lindsey Graham, guys, even Lindsey Graham weighs in and said that this sort of stuff shouldn't be whitewashed. Are you guys as surprised as I am that the Republicans are standing up to this? I know it's a problematic statement, but I'm just like, even still.
Starting point is 00:12:35 Yeah. I actually, I think it's cool because they've realized like there's no rules, right? It's like, I don't know. Remember the first time you swore around your parents and realized like, oh, they're not fucking in charge. I didn't say fuck if I want to. That's what's going on. But with hypocrisy in the Republican Party, Senator Tom Tillis,
Starting point is 00:12:54 and he's the first fucking quote of the article said, I think it's bullshit. Senator Tom Tillis. Imagine the fucking founding fathers coming forward. Oh my goodness, the time travel worked. Here we are seeing the current political discourse. I think that guy's bullshit.
Starting point is 00:13:11 I think it's bullshit. You know, one of the things too that struck me about this is that there's always seems to be this like comparison to other protests, right? They always try to make sure they bring in other protests. Well, other protests, there were people who broke the law and you're like, yeah, and those people were arrested or they were charged. And it's not like they went into it. Like, especially if you talk about like the George Floyd protests where people were doing some property damage, right? Somebody broke a
Starting point is 00:13:37 window somewhere, right? But those people, whoever did that, didn't expect to be like getting a pardon from the president. Like these are people who did a bad thing didn't expect to be like getting a pardon from the president. Like these are people who did a bad thing and they knew they were like, yeah, I know I'm breaking a window or whatever. Like for instance, Eli, didn't you get arrested during a protest? Yeah. So I did, I led a nonviolent protest thing to get a ICE office kicked out of Manhattan and we succeeded by the way. But like we did an illegal thing that annoyed people knowing we would go to jail. As the cops were standing up to send us to jail,
Starting point is 00:14:09 we weren't like, what the fuck? We were peacefully touring this highway in the middle of afternoon traffic. And I am now being accosted. At least let me go on my Disney vacation. Sir, I have a Disney vacation. You have to let me go on my Disney vacation. Okay, the picture that somebody got,
Starting point is 00:14:26 I'm guessing you set it up with somebody to take this picture of you getting dragged away. And Eli's putting on like the most angry criminal mug face ever. It's clearly a cop. I'm guessing you told the cop and you're like, listen,
Starting point is 00:14:40 I'm going to go limp at one point and make a face and turn around because my friend's going to take a picture. This is for my podcast. Just go with it. What's so funny is that person caught the literal one second
Starting point is 00:14:53 where I look at all dignified or anything in my entire life because if they had pushed their finger down a second earlier, they would have seen me being like hoigle, ooch me. Because one of the things that I did is I was police liaison.
Starting point is 00:15:10 So I am full Jerry Lewis, that entire arrest, just being like, well, how's it going, fellas? Uh-huh. Yeah, 43. My goodness, it's hot. I literally think the only reason
Starting point is 00:15:21 that looks like I am solemn or serious in any way is because I'm staring into the sun. I think the sun saved my dignity for history. That makes sense. Yeah, I think I'm just squinting. But you getting dragged away, but you're in like your nice, you know, reasonable blazer and pleated chinos. I don't know what the fuck you decided to wear that day to be respectable. It's my favorite.
Starting point is 00:15:43 I love that pic. It is a great photo. It's a really great photo. But seriously though, nobody that came with you was like, well, we're not going to get arrested today. Of course you fucking knew you were going to get arrested. Like what is with these fucking idiots that they just wander into the fucking halls of power
Starting point is 00:15:59 and think I'm going to get off with this. No problem. Come on. And it also like, this isn't nonviolent protest. Right. They actually thought they were overthrowing the government. I know.
Starting point is 00:16:09 Right. That's the other thing that people don't get in the George Floyd things. No one threw a chair through the front of a Starbucks and was like, I'm king of Starbucks now.
Starting point is 00:16:19 Started making people lattes for $1.99 the way they want them to be made. These idiots stood on the floor of the Senate and tried to conduct their own election for president. Like magically. They really thought it was magic that they were in the room and had like the magic gavel.
Starting point is 00:16:39 I highly recommend, if you go on YouTube and you look up like January 6th riot Christian prayer circle, there is again, we spend our whole lives trying to write jokes, make jokes, funny things, funny sketches. There is nothing funnier than this group of fucking yahoos who lit a pile of chair on fire and now don't understand why there is fire. It's the best comedy. don't understand why there is fire near them, it's the best comedy that anyone would ever write.
Starting point is 00:17:08 It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. All right, this next story is from Vice. The QAnon queen is printing her own currency now. So Tom and I have talked about the QAnon queen a few times in the past and she's basically what happens when you take like a QAnon conspiracy person and put them in one end of the Hadron Collider
Starting point is 00:17:34 and you put a sovereign citizen in the other end and then you shoot them at each other and they fucking explode into this. She is printing her own money with real money. So she's paying a printer with real money, probably pocketing the surplus of that and printing out her own like
Starting point is 00:17:54 shrewd bucks. They're like the size of a fucking Denny's placemat. Why are they so big? Why are they so big? I want to see someone pulling out like a wallet, the size of a VCR to pay with these. They think they're going to pay for stuff at stores. Oh, it's so good. There's no stores.
Starting point is 00:18:13 She tells her listeners that they will eventually be accepted by unnamed realty offices. Yeah. Realty offices. Like you're going to go into Century 21. Let's see. I have seven paper plate sized QAnon bucks. How many houses? Seven.
Starting point is 00:18:31 I can buy seven houses with that. Oh, that's perfect. That's perfect. Also, I need to thank you from the bottom of my heart because Heath, I don't know if this is true of you. I had never heard of the QAnon queen until this moment.
Starting point is 00:18:44 Oh, that's the, this is amazing. She's based out of Canada, right? Yeah. These are going to be like eventually backed by the Canadian treasury, according to this woman. Because she's the queen of Canada. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:57 She actually operates like a queen, but with just random social media people that she like begs for money and they give her a house once in a while. And she's like, I'm queen of this house now. And people pilgrimage to her and then like serve her and help print huge placemats bills with gold fringe on the side. It's crazy.
Starting point is 00:19:19 She has an RV that she like travels all around Canada in that I think was like crowdfunded with these people who think she's the queen. She is the queen. And I want to talk about the realty offices here for a second. What do they think realty offices sell? These are brokers. You can't walk into a realty office and be like, I would have one house.
Starting point is 00:19:41 They don't sell houses. They broker a house for another person who's selling the house. It doesn't matter how much money you give to the realty office. You have to pay it to another guy.
Starting point is 00:19:51 They just think realty offices are house Chick-fil-A. All right. Let me get a number three extra shimmy sauce and a pool.
Starting point is 00:20:01 Just give me one pool to go. I want one of those connected kitchens to my living room. That's what I want. Now, let me throw this out there. Because I know we got some UK listeners, some European listeners.
Starting point is 00:20:10 I know that there's a lot to laugh at here. UK, if you're listening, would you consider putting your king in an RV and having him drive around your country? I would pay to see that. Begging for funding. I'd pay so much money to see that. I think it'd be great. I think you're just driving British royalties roll for the last, like, several decades, basically, right?
Starting point is 00:20:29 But better dressed. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, I hear it now. I do hear it now. They send them in that RV with the big scissors and they just cut ribbons all day. That's literally their job. Okay.
Starting point is 00:20:39 Yeah. Quick thing. Did I read this correctly? Did the queen of whatever the fuck claim that her bills, first of all, they say 100,000 on them. Yeah. Just no units. They do. It's just 100,000
Starting point is 00:20:53 the concept of something. Yes. Don't fuck yourself. And I think she said they have interdimensional security devices like each bill. Yep. Interdimensional. Like, like they beep
Starting point is 00:21:07 if someone takes them out of space time. Like what? Probably. You turn the bill sideways, it just starts going crazy. Oh no. Ah, damn it. Each one's got its own David Icke lizard
Starting point is 00:21:19 that just watches it from the other realm. Also too, all these people are, don't they, aren't they kind of eerily reminiscent of the Hale-Bopp people with the white sneakers? They all have white hats on. Oh, yeah, for sure. Don't they kind of, you just think like,
Starting point is 00:21:34 oh, man, somebody's going to wind up in an RV with a bunch of shrewd bucks around them all day. Fucking scammel cash. But Cecil, let's be honest with ourselves, right? When they start dueling out the Kool-Aid, we're going to be like, oh no, stop, don't. Like there's no, the cure for brain cancer is not coming out of the QAnon queen's face.
Starting point is 00:21:56 You know what I'm saying? I feel like we could somehow orchestrate a fake fucking comet going over a little bit of Canada and get them to all do it, right? I don't know. With a laser, based on their following the QAnon queen with a laser pointer and a song in her heart.
Starting point is 00:22:11 Jumping to the Kool-Aid like cats to the laser. Yeah, exactly. I am so glad this isn't going to go on YouTube so we can get bathroom. That's awesome. Super great. Look, if it's hate speech to say it's better to be dead if they follow the QAnon queen, then I'm David Icke.
Starting point is 00:22:28 I don't want to be right. We're not saying do that. We're saying it would be better if. It'd be good if that would be the best thing to happen. Something I want to happen. But if it did happen, I wouldn't hate it. That's all I'm saying. Right.
Starting point is 00:22:41 You have to be allowed to root for stuff. You have to be allowed to root for things. You have to be allowed to root for things. Agree. You got to be able to hope. Agree. Bring back hope. Agree. I don't disagree.
Starting point is 00:22:49 YouTube disagrees with that pretty strongly. When you guys turn this bill over, do you think on the back of it is like a maze for like if you're at Denny's and you have the placemat thing? You fucking long John Silver's little silver mace. They're so fucking big. Why do it?
Starting point is 00:23:09 Why not just make it approximately the same size as a fucking normal pet? You could fucking hang glide with one of these pills. It's that big. I also read that she's going to sign
Starting point is 00:23:16 each one individually. Interesting. 38 million bills that she printed. And she's like, yeah, I'm going to sign them each one. Well, is it 38 million units because they're all 100,000 or is it 38 million bills that she printed and she's like yeah I'm going to sign them each one well is it 38 million units because they're all 100,000
Starting point is 00:23:28 or is it 38 million 100,000 units 38 million tons of that oh wow in units in vague concepts of somethingness units that's what she's selling you it's backed by gold and silver
Starting point is 00:23:44 she says. I don't think she has her. Gold and silver. Is it interdimensional? Like, oh, is it monatomic gold that's backed? It's probably not. It's probably monatomic, yeah. See, now we love it.
Starting point is 00:23:54 It's easier to carry around because, you know, the diatomic gold, that'll get you. Yeah, for sure. It's heavy. Cecil, as you know, we are reading everything they never wanted you to know or whatever. And I, loving this show, listen to you and Tom read The Biggest Bestest Secret.
Starting point is 00:24:09 Biggest Bestest Secret is so much more fun than everything they know. Is it really? We've gotten no monatomic gold. Yeah. None of that.
Starting point is 00:24:17 It's been from another planet. It sucks. What is the book about so far? It's about the Jews. Oh. It's not even enough about the Jews. It's mostly like, so many people make fun of me because I pooped my pants this morning. But aren't pants just another kind of toilet made of cloth?
Starting point is 00:24:37 Checkmate me. Shut the fuck up. That's amazing. Oh no, it's happened again. Yeah, it's what grinds his gears just chapter by chapter. He's just off the rails. Yeah, it's like 1,200 pages. Have you ever been stoned with someone
Starting point is 00:24:51 who you realize once you're both stoned, you don't want to be around them anymore? It's that the book. Yeah, I found out that about almost everyone ever for decades of smoking. So it ended up with me having fun bong hits by myself a lot. I enjoyed it.
Starting point is 00:25:09 Played a lot of fantasy baseball. I don't drink a lot. Keith, what did we say about tragic confessions when we were visiting our friends? It's a positive story. I'm being tough. Stay with me. This is good. My parents were... I would learn
Starting point is 00:25:25 lessons from them. That doesn't mean they're alcoholics. It does mean they're alcoholics. They showed me stuff about life. This next story comes from CNN. You don't want to hear about my age, Tom? No, I'm okay, man. I'm good. I think that our relationship is fine as it is. Cecil doesn't want to hear about my sad childhood.
Starting point is 00:25:43 That's rough. Cecil doesn't want to hear about my sad childhood. That's rough. Cecil had like half a G.I. Joe and a nuclear bomb next to his house. I'm not ready to take that next step in our relationships, Heath.
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Starting point is 00:27:15 The night is young, and you're so beautiful. Be flat. The night is young, and you're so beautiful. Here among the shadows, beautiful lady. Open your heart. The scene is set. The breezes sing of it can't you get
Starting point is 00:27:48 into the swing of it lady when the lady is kiss-a-bee the evening's so cool And the lady is kiss-a-bee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee- is high and you're so glamorous and if I see over Amaral what can I do is young and I'm in love with you.
Starting point is 00:29:00 Oh, glory. Today, Trump Tower is universally recognized as one of the most erotic buildings on the planet again also glad i'm not on youtube when i said that okay so this next one comes from cnn fact check donald trump delivers wildly dishonest speech at cpac and so i guess this is huge news on c. Donald Trump lied recently. Yeah. Fact check. Donald Trump talked ever. Right.
Starting point is 00:29:34 The tone of this article is so defeated. I genuinely was like, is there a writer? I want to check on Daniel Dale. I don't think he's okay. I worry for him. Listen. They're pretty sad.
Starting point is 00:29:46 They're like, yeah, we found, there's so much. We found 23 lies. We're going to give you 23. It's more like 540. We're going to do 543. This is the first words of the first fact check.
Starting point is 00:29:58 And I love this so much. This is the first, again, CNN, right? It isn't even close to true. That's the first one. Oh, fucking God. It might as well be asterisk, vomiting asterisk. Here we go.
Starting point is 00:30:14 My favorite part is him talking about NATO like he's fucking Joe Pesci from Casino. He's like, you wouldn't even exist out here if it wasn't for me. It's fucking amazing, man. It's so good. He's such a liar about everything, every single thing in here. And he talks about a lot of different things, right?
Starting point is 00:30:31 He's talking about Ukraine. He's talking about NATO. He's talking about murder rates. He's talking about the economy all throughout. And he ranges, right? It's not just one sort of sector. He's lying about everything. With the NATO thing, he was claiming that countries aren't paying
Starting point is 00:30:45 their like nato do yeah they're nato big or whatever and it's not how it fucking works they have like a vague guideline that's like you should spend like two percent of your gdp on like given nato or on defense basically and it's a it's not like they shut down NATO for you like Netflix. If you change your credit card, you lose it. Finland sharing fucking Sweden's passwords. They're just like, no more password sharing. No more password sharing. This is my favorite fact check of the whole article. It's in the NATO section.
Starting point is 00:31:21 And this is the claimant in the fact check word for word. NATO's existence. Boasting of how he had secured additional funding for NATO from countries, Trump claimed, actually, NATO wouldn't even exist if I didn't get them to pay up. And this is their fact check. This is
Starting point is 00:31:37 nonsense. That's it. Just a little sentence all alone by itself on the CNN politics page. That's all you need, man. What I don't get is this fucking guy's popularity still. After being like a loser, and then you read what he had to say at CPAC, and he seriously sounds like he's saying,
Starting point is 00:31:57 I was the best. I fucking did everything. I'm fucking like amazing. Every second of my presidency, I was curing cancer. And you're just like, it's so fucking boring. I cannot understand the appeal of this guy to anybody else. Once in a while, you know, I mean, all politicians blow themselves, but once in a while, they'll at least have like a modicum of humility. This guy has nothing. He has no redeemable qualities. He did nothing in office and he's a fucking loser and everybody still loves him.
Starting point is 00:32:24 And I cannot wrap my hat around it. Thank you. He's not good at anything. Like, okay, the Republican Party, these people are all about, what, Christianity and fucking libertarian capitalism being a rich asshole or being, like, selfish. That's their things. He's shitty at both of those. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:41 He's terrible. He's a terrible Christian, and he failed at casino doing. He's lying about being a billionaire. He's so shitty at all this stuff. He did. He made, he does not self-made. He didn't bootstrap shit. He's nothing. Do you think he's, do you think he's going to win the nomination? So here's an interesting question. That is an interesting question. Tom and I, we kind of go back and forth. Tom does not think he has a chance. Tom thinks if he does, he's going to get crushed. I personally think- Yeah, I remember the last time we said that about Trump. I know, I know. I feel the same way. I think I am one of those people who thinks,
Starting point is 00:33:20 you know, I really want to see DeSantis and him go really head to head and hardball with each other. Yes. That's what I want to see. Hard. Like hard, daddy. Hard, hard, hard. So, I will watch every second of these. Like prison basketball hard.
Starting point is 00:33:35 That's what I want to see. Let them fight. Yes. Now, here's what I think is going to happen. I think they're going to go hard on each other. I think Trump's going to lose the nomination and then he's going to run third party. Oh, please say that's the truth. Oh, that'd be amazing too. Please say that. Feed that to me until I die. The guy who tried to overthrow the government is absolutely going to run third party if he
Starting point is 00:33:55 gives him a chance to win. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Yeah. He's going to destroy. I'm not kidding when I say that we may look back 20, 30 years from now and say the reason the two-party system ended was because of Donald Marion Trump. Do you think, what do you think happens? You know, let's take that next step. Let's say that he is a third-party candidate. What happens? Because basically what you're going to see is a third-party candidate probably getting more electoral votes than any third third party candidate in recent memory. I don't know if it's going to be enough, but it will certainly be more than in recent memories.
Starting point is 00:34:32 This will beat Ross Perot. Yeah, absolutely. Well, let me, I have a theory on this and I'll tell you exactly what I think is going to happen. I think he is going to steal votes from Republicans up and down the ticket, huge blue wave. At that moment, Republicans have no choice but to enact national mandatory ranked choice voting or they're fucked forever, right? They stop existing if they don't enact ranked choice voting. They'll stop existing if they do enact that. Ranked choice voting will fuck them in the face and that opens it up to other parties. Right. But ranked choice voting is bad for them right now in a two-party system. But in a three-party system where that third party does nothing but drain their coffers, it is actually better for them.
Starting point is 00:35:11 Yeah, sure. So they'll enact rank choice voting, which will open it up to a series of parties. And the two-party system, as we know, it'll be gone. Oh, please say that's the truth. I'd love to see rank choice voting. That's way more fair. I think Republicans have already teased it. They've already talked about it. When he made that whole thing about the lion party, they said that, well, we would have to enact a national ranked choice voting for that election, obviously, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They've already made noises about it. And I think people don't realize how transformative to our politics that's going to be. I think they also don't understand that anybody,
Starting point is 00:35:45 like the people who are like never are always Trumpers, who are like 100% Trumpers, won't put anybody else underneath on a ranked joint vote. I think they don't understand that. They don't get that it's Trump or nothing for them. You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time. He's an angry elf.
Starting point is 00:36:07 Look at you. Ow. This next story is from The Hill. Mexican president posts photo of what he claims is an elf. And it turns out that it wasn't Jeff Sessions. It was a different picture. I don't know. The citation needed to be pulled.
Starting point is 00:36:26 I looked at it. Yeah. Thank you, Heath, for standing up for the truth. That guy's making fucking cookies and not refusing himself when he's dead or whatever. 100%.
Starting point is 00:36:37 Can I read the caption first before we jump into it? So he tweeted this and I translated the caption on Twitter. So I'm positive it's errorful. So don't send me your corrections on that it messed up because I didn't translate this, Twitter did. Here's the tweet, has two photos.
Starting point is 00:36:54 And you can see them, if you go to our show notes, you can see them. We'll describe them in detail here in a second, but you can always go to our show notes to check them out. Here's the quote. I share two photos of our supervision of the Mayan train works. One taken by an engineer three days ago, apparently from an Elux. I don't know, from an Elux? Of an Elux. They're like Mexican fairies. Okay. So he's saying from an Elux in here. It's clearly wrong. Of an Elux.
Starting point is 00:37:21 an eluxe and here it's clearly wrong of an eluxe another by Diego Prieto of a splendid pre-Hispanic sculpture in Ek Balam everything is mystical that's how he ends it magic is everywhere nothing's mystical it's so dumb
Starting point is 00:37:37 okay so can we talk about what this photo looks like because it's so good it's very clearly a teenager in a like? Because it's so good. It's very very clearly a teenager in a hoodie. I think it's very clearly a fucking tree and there's a couple stars out in the background because you know
Starting point is 00:37:54 stars are in the sky. Those aren't eyes. Our brains make faces all the time in things. Yeah. Now he said it. It's veryia. Yeah. Now he's said it, it's very clearly a tree. I can even see the branches.
Starting point is 00:38:08 I was at least giving him credit for faking the Mexican fairy. I think he just found it. I feel like this guy, the president, got in a big argument at a bar a while ago, and then he went home all mad,
Starting point is 00:38:20 and then like now, eight years later or whatever, he was like, ha, see, a luxe. Nobody, he's gone. like now eight years later or whatever he was like ha see a lux nobody he's gone that was eight years ago I don't know where he found this but he's convinced
Starting point is 00:38:31 that he saw you know a Mayan prankster fairy right isn't that what it is it's from Mayan culture and they would like come and steal steal your stuff move your stuff around actually, which I kind of liked.
Starting point is 00:38:47 Like I think that's kind of cool folklore. When I was reading this, there was part of me that was a little sad. I'm like, here's some people who are like really powerful in the world and they believe so deeply in superstition. And then I remembered we've never had an atheist president. And I was like, okay, I'll sit the fuck down. I'll sit the fuck down right now. I was going to say,
Starting point is 00:39:06 if I could trade Joe Biden's Catholicism for a Nolux, I would absolutely. And he wouldn't be any less coherent, right? Yeah, exactly. Hey, everybody, how's it going? It's your good old Uncle Joe. Just a reminder, nail down your wallet at the end of the night
Starting point is 00:39:20 or a Nolux will take it. Put it under your bed. What? Oh. I would love to see Joe do that. Put his shades on, eat an ice cream cone and walk out the door.
Starting point is 00:39:29 Eating it from the wrong side. It's all gone now. No, buddy. You got to hold hold the dry end. What? Never mind. You're the president.
Starting point is 00:39:37 Now, Dilbert Dumbud here's holding my lugs and he won't give it up until I pay the bill. And I ain't got the money. Let's talk about Dilbert. So, uh, this next one's from the AP.
Starting point is 00:39:46 What? Did you say Dilabert? Dilabert? I'm not familiar with this name. Dilbert's creator, Scott Adams, he suffered a what AP refers to as a
Starting point is 00:40:01 rapid demise. Dilbert is a cartoon strip of office life with a talking dog. There's a guy with pointed hair that looks like ears. And he got taken out of a bunch of newspapers. It's never funny, by the way. I just want to say that. And it was taken out of a bunch of newspapers
Starting point is 00:40:21 all across the country. There's a comic strip in those newspapers. It's a newspaper, by the way, is what you wrap your glassware in when you move. I was going to say, it's an iPad that never changes. But anyway, he was taken out a bunch. And then he just screamed about cancel culture. Basically, he was canceled, even though he's like, white people stay away from black people. That's like a quote. Yeah, he actually said that. So, I mean, rapid demise. You shoot yourself in the fucking foot
Starting point is 00:40:48 and then you fall down quickly. That's a rapid demise, I guess. He has a YouTube channel and he went on and he just said that. He said, black people are a hate group and white people,
Starting point is 00:40:59 here's my advice to you, you should get the hell away from black people. That's an actual thing he said. And immediately he got pulled. I don't know what he thought was going to happen. Now, I watched that and I have a very important question
Starting point is 00:41:13 for you gentlemen. Towards the end, did he say, I used to identify as black, but now I'm not going to anymore. What does that mean? Okay. I'm so angry that I know a little of the details of this. Oh my God. I'm so excited.
Starting point is 00:41:29 Yeah. So apparently his, his stupid fucking cartoon, it used to just be about like banal observations about office politics. Post-it notes. Yeah, post-it notes, whatever. Printer jam. So like, it was funny to people in those environments. Like if you saw you know what
Starting point is 00:41:45 was what was the movie office space yeah you might have liked this in the 90s too but in the last like 5-10 years he just really started curling in the asshole direction so he's been attacking you know pc culture and everything woke bothers him and he's been doing that more and more in his comics. And most recently he introduced a character at this company and it's a black guy, but the black guy identifies as white because that's funny. And that fact that he identifies as white, it fucks up the company's diversity metric score. And that,
Starting point is 00:42:27 I feel like you guys aren't laughing, but that's's really funny if you've ever been in an office environment recently it's really fucking hard for white people and it's silly to consider diversity as something that's good maybe but why does that mean that he identified did he identify as black was he inspired by his own comic book
Starting point is 00:42:44 character? Yes, no that that's exactly what happened. He was basically trying to like mirror the thing in his stupid character. And he's like, oh, and also I in real life identify as black, which is wacky, right? Imagine if you could just name other things that you identify as. And then he took back his bit.
Starting point is 00:43:01 He took back his own. Guys, I know I've done a very controversial bit where I pretended to be black, but I am renouncing my own bit. God. I didn't really slip on that banana peel. I'm Scott Adams. He's so
Starting point is 00:43:17 fucking bad. Like, I just don't understand. Like, I didn't understand the draw. Like, every one of these guys, they fuck up really bad. They say something obscenely stupid and then they can take it down and they immediately like, well, I got canceled. And it's like it's some kind of fucking injustice. You're like,
Starting point is 00:43:33 no, it's the exact opposite of injustice, man. It is literal justice. You fucked up. You did something wrong and they took your file. Now go write a different comic strip for a while and win them back somehow. But don't be like, oh man, they fucking stole it all. You stole it from yourself, you idiot.
Starting point is 00:43:51 He's doing like Dilbert Reborn or something. And he's hosting it on his own shitty alt-right fucking channel that he started up. I think it starts like this week. In like two days, he's firing up his own fucking channel. Because he's in zero newspapers now has he ever done a like a dilbert animated thing that you guys could do on like he did he had an animated show that got canceled like right the fuck away instantly got like a season maybe a season and a half and he actually he actually claimed that when he got canned from that when that show got dropped from whatever channel, he was like, that's the third job I've been fired for for being white.
Starting point is 00:44:28 Oh, Jesus Christ. And it's just such an obvious lie. People like checked on it at the time and since. And they were like, no, looks like you got fired from a fucking bank in 1986 just because maybe you were an asshole or maybe because they were laying off like thousands of other people. Probably not all of them white, but even if they were, who cares? I don't know. Yes.
Starting point is 00:44:51 You probably got fired because you're not funny. That's probably why it happened. What the fuck? Yeah, it's not funny, but it does have really good art. No, it doesn't. It's actually the worst art. It's like he was trying to save money
Starting point is 00:45:04 on graphite or ink. There's just like three or four lines for everything. Well, Fawcett said your religion is just Scientology without birth control or famous people. All right, this one's from khn.org, Kaiser Health News. Girls in Texas could get birth control at federal clinics until a Christian father objected. So I want to just read the first line from this article. Quote, On the vast Texas panhandle,
Starting point is 00:45:33 raked by wind and relentless sun, women might drive for hours to reach Haven Health, a clinic in Amarillo, end quote. And I can't help but think it's like- I thought you were going to say drive for hours to leave that place. Yeah. Doesn't it sound like
Starting point is 00:45:48 fucking the beginning of a narrated version of Mad Max Fury Road, though? Kind of? It's rough. I mean, admittedly, it's a reproductive hellscape all across America,
Starting point is 00:45:59 so it fits. I mean, I think it fits. Evidently, there was a federal program that allowed federal clinics to give out birth control to teenagers without a permission slip. And there is a recent Supreme court ruling that everyone is familiar with
Starting point is 00:46:13 that basically stripped abortion rights all across the country. And you're using that as a way to challenge the one of this Christian dad is basically using that as a way to challenge this. And, uh, and now they can't give them out without permission. And this is like for like, sometimes for like life-saving drugs where young girls are getting it for, um, because they're like bleeding, like internal bleeding and stuff. Sometimes they give out contraception for that
Starting point is 00:46:36 and they can't even do that anymore. Yeah. Also to save your life by not having a child. Yeah. I feel like that's the primary use, no? I feel like that's also a primary use too, yeah. Sure. Yeah, no, the first case study they talk about is the like CEO of Haven Health is like, there was a lady who came in with bleeding and we could not prescribe it because she was 16.
Starting point is 00:47:00 Like, I wonder, and I know that this was one of those things that when that ruling came out, a bunch of people were, you know, doing the sort of, yeah, but and down the road, this is going to happen. And there was a bunch of people who were saying, no, no, come on now, you're being ridiculous. Even in the ruling itself, he said, we're not going after anything else. But really, genuinely, they're going to start coming for other things based on this ruling. And contraception,
Starting point is 00:47:27 I wouldn't be surprised if that either gets its own ruling or starts to be wiped off based on this ruling. Oh, yeah. In the Dobbs decision, they said that they were coming for interracial marriage next.
Starting point is 00:47:40 And you know how many babies we kill with fucking contraception? So many. So many. So many. I do that by myself sometimes. Do you have the friend who's not a trampoline anymore? Do you have a friend
Starting point is 00:47:56 who jerks off with a condom on Cecil? And if so, how can you get him off your podcast in a safe and effective manner? It's really weird when you wear the condom and then the glove. Like it's like two,
Starting point is 00:48:08 it's like two layers there. It's crazy. It's like a whole other person is doing it for you. Wait, Cecil, are you saying you have a dedicated masturbation glove?
Starting point is 00:48:16 Because that's what it sounded like. In my head, it's an oven mitt. I got it. I know you're a cooking guy. I have a dedicated, it's, yeah,
Starting point is 00:48:24 it's an oven mitt that I come into. It's like my cum cooking guy. I have a dedicated, it's, it's, yeah, it's an oven mitt that I come into. It's like my cum sock. So I put it on there and yeah, sure. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. He has a dedicated masturbation sous vide. It's the perfect temperature.
Starting point is 00:48:35 I dip it in that perfect temperature water. There you go. Oh, 98.6. You tell me the difference between fucking a sous vide and a woman. It's like the stranger. You don't even know it's there it's like a little loose but it's the perfect temperature so yeah
Starting point is 00:48:49 and if I have to choose between tight and hot I'm choosing hot every time I don't know what that joke is I don't know what I don't want anyone to examine anything I've said the second. I just want to add one more thing about Texas, by the way.
Starting point is 00:49:11 Sure. Just a reminder. They're trying to build their own internet also to avoid contraception, birth control. No kidding. I didn't hear about this information being provided through the internet into Texas. Holy shit, that's China-esque.
Starting point is 00:49:27 Yeah, it's very literally that. They want to build their own intranet. Like, it's so stupid too because that's not how it fucking works. It's like, you have a phone, you have a VPN, obviously. If you know what you're doing, you can get around this.
Starting point is 00:49:40 But like, the internet's there still and there's a billion ways to get it and they're like they're putting like masking tape around their spot in a pool and they're like we're gonna we're gonna blog it off no flow this way it's like texas has net nanny is that what you're saying they're basically just exactly what they're trying to do they got that librarian from your elementary school who tried to keep you from playing Oregon Trail during computer time. She's just wandering around the country being like,
Starting point is 00:50:07 no more internets for anyone. God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass and I'm the ant. This next one comes from the Raw Story.
Starting point is 00:50:16 Popular prayer app pushes fringe elements on the Catholic right into the mainstream. And so, this is an app that's funded by U.S. Senator and hillbilly J.D. Vance, and it's called The Hallow or The Hollow.
Starting point is 00:50:33 I don't know. God, I can't believe he fucking won in Ohio. I think it's The Hollow. And it's like, I don't know, maybe there's a banjo playing in the background. I just want to say, though, the first line says that they're basically listing people
Starting point is 00:50:44 that are associated with it and it fucking lists Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. Marky Mark is one of the voices. Can you do the Lord's Prayer? Can you read the Lord's Prayer as Marky Mark right now, please? Several. First of all, absolutely. I will.
Starting point is 00:51:00 More exciting. I actually, Mr. Mark is actually here in the studio tonight with us. So, Mr. Mark, do you want to go? actually, Mr. Mark is actually here in the studio tonight with us. So, Mr. Mark, do you want to go? Yeah, yeah. Let me get on the mic. Oh, here we are. It's me.
Starting point is 00:51:12 It's me, every fucking body. It's me, Marky Mark. I'm here to do the Lord's Prayer for you. So, everyone wake up at three in the morning and beat up a Chinese guy. Shut up, Siri. I'll beat up a Chinese guy. Shut up, Siri. I'll beat up a Chinese guy. Listen in. Our father, who art in heaven,
Starting point is 00:51:28 hallowed be thy fucking name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, as in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day, say hello to your mother, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us like Chinese guys to go to the cops
Starting point is 00:51:47 and lead us not into temptation to beat up that Chinese guy again but deliver us from evil. Why do you know the Lord's Prayer? I mark him up. I can't break character. Please help me out. I'm stuck this way.
Starting point is 00:52:03 I love that you say Chinese guy every time and it was a Vietnamese guy. It was a Vietnamese guy. Here's the thing. I know it was a Vietnamese guy. You know who definitely does not know it was a Vietnamese guy? I know. That's the best part of the joke. And I just got to explain it a little sometimes because people don't get it.
Starting point is 00:52:16 It's so, it's a really great joke. It's a really great joke. I'd like to add, we definitely don't know that Marky Mark didn't beat up a Chinese guy. In fact, I would assume he did and didn't beat up a Chinese guy. In fact, I would assume he did and didn't get caught. You know what? I take it all back. You're absolutely right.
Starting point is 00:52:32 Heath. Absolutely. You're right. We don't know. We have no idea. I think we know, we know on the other side, right?
Starting point is 00:52:41 He has a dozen guided prayer on the hollow app, which is free by the way. You can sign up with a fake credit card if you want to hear them. Cause I like oh maybe this is a c segment for our show i rec they are so fucking funny they are so David Sedaris has nothing on Marky Mark leading you through prayerful meditation amazing though allow your fucking eyes to close and focus on the words of the Lord. James. The fact that you get to hear Marky Mark say, in the beginning there was the word and the word was all for free. God, that's amazing.
Starting point is 00:53:14 You gotta record that. That's fucking outstanding. I don't understand the need for these apps. Do people need help? Oh, wishing? Oh, I know this. It's so good. It's so good. So the reason is, you know how meditation apps are really popular? Yeah. Okay. So Catholics were like, shit, we're losing. We should make our own meditation app. But instead of the largely
Starting point is 00:53:40 beneficial practice of meditation, we'll hire Marky Mark of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch to say some Bible words into their phones. It's not just Marky Mark, though. This is the first time I've ever heard these two words in conjunction. They have chastity
Starting point is 00:54:00 influencers? I had never heard of something like that. But evidently on Instagram and other places, there's chastity influencers. Like Ben Shapiro? Right? Also, the CEO's name. Did you catch this? Alex Jones.
Starting point is 00:54:18 It's not the Alex Jones, but Alex Jones is the guy. I think it said Jim Caviezel is involved. Yeah. Jim Caviezel is involved. Yeah. Jim Caviezel's on their ad. Passion of the Christ. He was on the Jesus Chainsaw Massacre.
Starting point is 00:54:30 Yeah. He's a fucking QAnon guy. Is he really? No, guys. Yeah. Yeah, he's a big QAnon guy. It's super funny. Now, guys.
Starting point is 00:54:39 Are they making a sequel? Passion 2? Yeah, they've been trying to make 2 for years. He's been trying to push that rock away for like 3 years yeah stuck back there let me ask you
Starting point is 00:54:51 a very serious very question from my heart very serious important question being as unattractive as I am 5th in the ranking
Starting point is 00:54:58 on our show citation needed was it 5th? am I? let's talk for a second about the ranking structure here you were 5th
Starting point is 00:55:04 thank you wow pin in that you're an unconventional Is it fifth? Am I? Let's talk for a second about the ranking structure here. You were fifth. Thank you. Wow. Pin in that. You're an unconventional. No, I was going to say you're unconventionally good looking, but that's not true either. Go ahead. In that I'm not.
Starting point is 00:55:17 The way that water is unconventionally dry. No, but this is my question. Being the fifth most attractive, am I a chastity influencer? Like, if you set up an app, right, if the Catholics just got some nudes of me, and every time you felt like yanking it, I just popped up on your phone?
Starting point is 00:55:36 That's not going to work for me. Wow. No. I'm saying it won't work for their purpose. I'm saying I would enjoy that. I think I would enjoy that. Right. With a big mitten, a big oven mitt. I'm going to start doing the oven mitt, Cecil.
Starting point is 00:55:52 Oven mitt thing. The oven mitt thing is what goes. Got two holes. Like cloth or like one of the like synthetic. You could use one of those rubber ones. You know what I mean? Throw a little lube in there. Yeah, the rubber synthetic.
Starting point is 00:56:02 I feel like with the waffle grip. You know what I mean? Yeah, waffle grip in there. Makes it interesting. Ribbed for my pleasure. There you go. That? Throw a little lube in there. Yeah, the rubber synthetic. I feel like with the waffle grip. You know what I mean? Yeah, waffle grip in there. Makes it interesting. Ribbed for my pleasure. There you go. That's just a seal's vagina, right? If you've ever fucked a seal,
Starting point is 00:56:10 there's no difference between that. It's like fucking a duck mouth. A seal's vagina is waffled? Yep. A lot of people don't know that. I don't think anybody knows that. God damn. Every time I come on this show,
Starting point is 00:56:22 I say lies. I'm so sorry. I don't know why. I didn't mean... I read that on a yik-yak, I promise. I want to talk for a second about this app though, because what the insidious thing about this app is that it's pushing the Overton window, right? So you get these sort of people who are like anti-choicers
Starting point is 00:56:39 and they're the right side of that Catholic, Christian, it's not Catholic, is it Catholic, Christian. It's not Catholic. Is it Catholic or Christian? It's just Christian, right? Or is it Catholic? It's Catholic. It's a Catholic. How low is Catholic?
Starting point is 00:56:51 It's a Catholic. Yeah. Okay. So it's Catholic. Yeah. So the Catholic app, it's, you know, the Catholics, there's a range. There's a spectrum of belief on their side, especially a spectrum of political leanings, too. There's some Catholics that are very far on the left. There's some Catholics that are very far on the left.
Starting point is 00:57:05 There's other Catholics that are very far on the right. But the more you push the conversation and you influence people to the right, the more that conversation shifts so that the center
Starting point is 00:57:15 becomes now is where the left was, et cetera. And so like it keeps on pushing things over and that's really insidious. And like basically you're not just
Starting point is 00:57:24 indoctrinating kids in Christianity, you're indoctrinating kids in Christianity that's like fucking far right Christianity. He's a Catholic, right? Imagine sitting in a Catholic church, this giant castle built to the barbarian God of BC
Starting point is 00:57:39 while your child takes communion from probably a rapist that he claims is the flesh of a long dead rabbi and being like, bunch of fucking liberals. I need somebody to take this shit seriously. I need Marky Mark or JD Vance to talk to me right now. I'd like someone who could talk to my kids. Maybe the guy who lost,
Starting point is 00:58:04 maybe the guy who almost lost to i sweat through my shirt again tim ryan i miss him so much i was rooting for him so hard i fucking i miss him so he's just having an anxiety attack the whole election cycle all the time all the time amped up though there at the end he like he did a big zinger at one point to J.D. Vance. Yeah, no. J.D. Vance is such a piece of shit. He's the worst. So beautiful and tragic about Tim Ryan
Starting point is 00:58:32 is he's just a normal guy. And like, you know, if you ever complained about politics and you say something, someone's like, I don't see you running for office. He did. He's just the guy who was like,
Starting point is 00:58:40 you know what, you're right. I should run for office. But then he was like, oh man, there sure are a lot of people out there. Guys, thank you so much for joining me today. So tell everybody, if anything big... Oh, you guys are traveling to Seattle, aren't you? Are there any live
Starting point is 00:58:56 tickets left? No, literally zero tickets left. You sold them all. We sold them all. Oh, shame. But you could still... You guys would still play that audio for everybody, right? That's like... Yeah, yeah, shame. But you could still, you guys would still play that audio for everybody, right? That's like going to go on your feed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Assuming something absolutely horrible doesn't happen.
Starting point is 00:59:10 And is there another live show in the future? Why would you say that on the air? Yes, we're planning another live show. Where Heath just dropped that and said something. If you want to do a quick cut, I'll shut up. Where Heath was like,
Starting point is 00:59:23 and we'll live forever. I want to push it past that, so. There's another live show coming up in June. We haven't announced the location and said something where Heath was like, and we'll live forever. I'm going to push it past that. There's another live show coming up in June. We haven't announced the location just yet because we're waiting
Starting point is 00:59:30 for the venue to sign. But for those folks who always complain about us just going from coast to coast, we're going to be a little bit more middle-ish for this next one. Guys,
Starting point is 00:59:41 thank you for joining me today. I appreciate you guys jumping in. You guys want to say any get well messages to Tom right now? I'll give you guys a couple seconds to do it. Go ahead. Tom, we love you, buddy. Tom, I will take your wife as my own. I will take an oven mitt and bring her into my home.
Starting point is 00:59:57 Yeah. Hey! On that note, thank you guys for joining me. You guys can catch anybody who's listening. If you haven't ever listened to any of their shows, of course you have,
Starting point is 01:00:09 but if you haven't, you should check them out. Scathing Atheist, Godawful Movies, D&D Minus, The Skeptocrat, and a show that we do together, Citation Needed.
Starting point is 01:00:18 Thank you, best friend Heath Enright and acquaintance Eli Bosnick for joining me today. Appreciate it. Cheers. Cheers to you, Jason. Cheers.
Starting point is 01:00:25 Cheers to you. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers to you. Cheers. Cheers. I love you. So I'd like to thank Eli Bosnick and Heath Enright for joining me today. Big thanks to them for jumping in and doing some news items with us and hanging out. A lot of fun as always. And you can always check out their shows.
Starting point is 01:00:44 Check out the show notes for all their work. And I'm sure you guys have already listened to all their shows. They're really funny guys. We do a show with them called Citation Needed that we absolutely love to do. If you haven't ever checked it out, it's a lot of fun.
Starting point is 01:00:56 Go check it out. We're hoping Tom's going to get better in the next week. Continue to send your messages to him. I know he's reading them. So if you tweet at him, if you want to put a Facebook message up, and if you want to send a private message to dissonance.podcast.gmail.com,
Starting point is 01:01:12 he will see all of those, I promise you. But we want to wish Tom well. We hope he gets better. And like I said earlier, before we started the show, we are looking and hoping that maybe Tom will be better enough to record early next week, and we can still get out a Thursday show next week. But I'm going to tell you right now,
Starting point is 01:01:31 no promises. No promises because we don't know how bad Tom is and how long it's going to take him to recover. We hope that he's better by next week to record for sure. But again, it might be another pinch hitter next week too, because Tom might still be sick. We know COVID can last for a little while. We're hoping it doesn't for him. And we're hoping that he kicks it, but he is in no shape to record right now. Fingers crossed for next week. Keep your eyes open on our feed on Thursday. Maybe, maybe not. We'll probably let you know via social media. So you could check our Twitter or our Facebook. Those are best ways to know
Starting point is 01:02:10 whether or not something's coming out. You could just scroll back through our tweets and see if we posted anything about that. We'll probably post something like that on Wednesday. If we're not going to do anything, we'll post something on Wednesday. If there is something that's coming out, you'll hear it on Thursday morning. All is something that's coming out, you'll hear
Starting point is 01:02:25 it on Thursday morning. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info doc
Starting point is 01:02:56 attainment leo pisces cancer cures detox reflex foot massage death and towers tarot cards psychic healing crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double speak, stigmata, nonsense.
Starting point is 01:03:22 double-speak stigmata nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for
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