Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 68: The South Will Rise Again

Episode Date: October 4, 2012

or the facebook: Our new shirts: http://www.indiemerch.com/dissonancepod/The podcast awards: http://www.podcastawards.com/Visit our Website at for more info.

Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app. Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Hey, this is Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance. I just wanted to bring your attention to an award that we are in the running for or we've been nominated for. The site is called Podcastawards.com. And a couple people have nominated us already and they brought it to our attention. So I posted it on Facebook.

But if you would be so inclined and you would like to nominate us, we would appreciate it. You would need to go to podcastawards.com and you would fill out their form. Now, before when we did this in the past, you would have to vote for us many times in a row. In this case, it's just a one-time only form. There's two categories at the top. You can choose us for one of those two categories, which would be best overall or best produced. And then you could choose us one more time all the way through. Now, there has to be 14 or 15 categories. I think we probably fit best in news and politics or comedy, but you can put us in any of those categories below if you are so inclined to do so. And we would really appreciate it.

These awards are given out at the New Media Expo in January. And I'm actually going to be at the New Media Expo for work. But it would be very cool to have the show's name mentioned if that was the case. So we would appreciate it if people would nominate us. We would be thrilled and flattered if you did so. So if you want to, you can go to our blog for this podcast episode, and there will be a link directly on our site to this page. And we'd appreciate it. Thanks so much.

Be advised, this show has an explicit tag. This means this show is not for children, the willfully ignorant, cloistered bubble dwellers content with their own version of reality, or the easily offended. If you disregard this warning and complain to us later, we get to laugh and say, I told you so. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way.

We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 68 of Cognitive Dissonance, and that was our opening disclaimer. Our disclaimer, Cecil, turned from a disclaimer at the end of the show to just write us an intro.

Fuck it. Write us an intro. Just write whatever part of the show you want. Record the break. Pretty soon, like you said before, we're not going to have to do anything. Pretty soon, we're just going to have contributors that do all the work, and then you'll read your beginning thing, and I'll say at the very end, I'll leave you with a skeptic creed,

and the rest of it, the rest of it's done. It's like, fuck it, we'll do it all in post. The whole show's in post. We just have Google Voice translating all the mail. It'll be perfect. That would actually be an awesome way to slap together a show. Just fucking

random voicemails, clips, emails from Google Voice and just fucking throw it out there. Isn't that what we do? That's pretty much what we do. I like that too because it involves more work for you on the editing side. Boys and just fucking throw it out there. Isn't that what we do? That's pretty much what we do. It's pretty much. I like that, too, because it involves more work for you on the editing side. Yeah, no kidding, right?

It's all fucking ass and work. Read my work. I'll just sit back with my fingers laced behind my head, feet up, drinking a fucking beer. Yeah, drink that. No, that's funny. Yeah, that's fucking great. I love that. Riding the coattails

of other people's success. I've actually made a fucking career out of that. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. In the name of Jesus, we speak that. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave. I'm going to Our first story comes from the Los Angeles Times. Christian TV broadcasters Daystar and TBN, they are ready for the Messiah in Jerusalem. They're fucking ready, dude. They got cameras and shit set up. They are Loch Ness Monster ready, you know? They have the depth finder in the desert. They're finding Bigfoot ready, you know ready for the Messiah to swing by again. It would suck if it was not a televised event.

I think the Bible foretold this when they said everyone would know. They knew that – the Bible knew that these assholes would be out there with their cameras and they would just televise the whole thing and everybody would switch to it live. And that's how everybody in the world knows when Jesus comes back. Bible knew that ahead of time. Bible knew about television technology before television technology existed. Nice of them to tell us how to build it. Bible.

Well, hey, you don't want to spoil it. You don't want all the spoilers. I mean, do you? Fucking incredibly useful thousands of years before its development. No, I mean. Actually, it might not have been because they didn't have the power to run it. So they could build the fucking television, but it doesn't do anything. It just sits there.

It's full of circuits. We have no idea what these circuits are. Yeah. I wonder if Jesus is like, like, I wonder if he's coming down, like when he comes down. It's like when we sort of get up after a long night of sleep looking for a snack in the fridge like, you know, the underwear is sort of half jammed up his ass and he's pulling

it out of there and he's walking around fumbling through the fridge. He's like humming the fucking latest like little Wayne song in his head and then he looks up and he's like, oh shit, there's fucking people here. Oh Jesus. Oh me. He's all disheveled like his crown of thorns is askew and he's like i'm not even presentable i haven't even i haven't watched my wound out on my side yet he's a little hungover actually he's like bleary-eyed yeah yeah stumbling

what a bunch of fucking dimwits these people are. I mean, you may as well just see. I mean, honestly, you may as well just take your money and actually burn it in a fire for all the good. Admittedly. Don't you think that some of these camera operators and what have you, they're like, you're going to do what? Yeah, we're going to hire you and fly you out to Jerusalem to sit and wait for Jesus. We've been waiting for 2,000 years with no word. And now all of a sudden it's like fucking mission critical.

Now it's like, oh, man, we need you there. Stat. Why? What's the big development? Will he be here before Christmas? Because I kind of have plans. Christmas Eve. I don't know if he's going to be around or not.

They're actually over there proselytizing to the Jews though. I mean one of the major reasons why they're setting up shop over there is so that they can convert more people to what they call messianic Jews. And we talked about this before with the dominionist people. They have a whole plan for the messianic – like with the messianic Jews. And it says here, even in the article, it says they're quoting the founder of TBN, Paul Crouch. It says the main thing we want to do is help sponsor what we call Messianic Jews or Jews that have received Jesus Christ as their Messiah. He says we want to do some Hebrew language programs to reach out to Jews, to entice them to read the word of God and become what we call a completed Jew.

Completed Jew? Isn't that, I mean, could you? That's so insulting. Seriously, how insulting is that if you're Jewish? It's like, look, right now you're about half Jew or maybe Jew thirds. Jew thirds? But you're certainly not a complete Jew. Jew thirds?

That's terrible. I love it. Jew thirds. Yeah, no kidding, right? It's like, yeah. So how's that being imperfect and probably going to hell working out for you? Oh, no, you're actually here. Like, this is our shit.

Like, we got this. Like, we're all Jews here. Like, that's kind of the whole, that's what we do. That's our thing here. We got a place. Yeah. We've kind of thought this through, you know, and we've had some adversity in the past too. You know, just a little bit of adversity.

Well, what a kick in the junk, you know, like they fight tooth and nail to still exist. Yeah. No kidding. In this region and people are going to be like, I think we're going to undermine you. Yeah. You know what you're missing? Jesus. You're missing a lot of Jesus.

Right. It says Christianity in this article. It says Christianity is not represented in Israel as well as it could. We hope to equalize that and give Christianity a better platform. You know how you fucking get Christianity off the fucking ground in Israel? Have Jesus come back. Like actually appear and show up. That would be 100% effective.

100% effective. That's the thing that like I always kind of laugh. It's like, well, you know, Jesus wants you to accept him into your heart. Really? Where's he at? Fucking show up. Come by. Eat dinner. Have a beer. Relax. Drinks are on me, Jesus.

You swing by. I'm all yours. You just gotta either tape a sponge to his side or have a bucket there so when he's drinking it doesn't... It's like the old timey movies when they get shot and then they drink and all the water's sprinkling out of them. He's got corks.

He's got corks. He's like spackling his side. Spackle. Oh, ho, ho, it's magic, you know. Never believe it's not so. It's magic, you know Never believe it's not so Cecil, it's a sad day at Hogwarts. Hogwarts?

Did Dumbledore die? I repeat, Madam Pomfrey is out of a job. I repeat, Madame Pomfrey looking for work. Stuff.co.nz. I believe that is New Zealand. A clinic offering Christian prayer and energy healing, including Reiki and color therapy, has been closed. It's been closed. It also offered traditional Maori healing.

Probably mispronouncing that terribly. What? After a doctor linked it to witchcraft and wizardry. So if you were thinking about hopping on the Hogwarts Express after boarding at Platform 9 and 3 quarters or whatever the hell and swinging over to get your bones regrown by Madame Pomfrey, you're not going to do very well because it's been closed because of witches.

One thing that boggles me about this says members of the senior medical staff complained about the newspaper article, but there were no complaints about any of our doctors being wizards. And you think you're like, OK, well, somebody's complaining that the doctors are being wizards. And you think, you're like, okay, well, somebody's complaining that the doctors are being wizards. Like, isn't fucking like Reiki and fucking energy healing like magic anyway? Like, isn't that just magic? Right. It's absolutely magic.

And if somebody complained like, oh, man, you can't go to that. You can't go to the Mayo Clinic. The doctors are all wizards. I'm like, oh, well, you're clearly a fool. Right. Like, you think there's wizards. Like, I am oh, well, you're clearly a fool. Right. Like you think there's wizards. Like I am immediately dismissive of everything you say. You could, there could be a train barreling down at me as I stand on the tracks and you could be the only one yelling in my face.

There is a train coming back. Yeah. But you believe in wizards. You probably think a wizard is piloting it right now. I don't think that that's the case. Once you throw the whole wizard card out there, is it your credibility shot? Yeah, unless you're playing Magic the Gathering, you don't throw a wizard card anywhere. Well, that's why they couldn't keep it open. Their mana was all tapped out. It was like, oh, fuck, I got nothing.

Oh, God. That's the geekiest joke I think I'll ever make. It is pretty dorky, but it's awesome, though. It's awesome for all the dorks who got it. Yeah, I just, I mean, like, you're right. I think if somebody were to say, you know, your medical establishment that is clearly a medical establishment is made of wizards, you would be like, yeah, well, you're crazy. You're clearly an insane person. But the moment these people are practicing stuff that's, you know, bullshit, you could say they're wizards and

everybody would be like, oh, well, maybe they are wizards. They're obviously practicing stuff that I think, you know, obviously can't be explained. Like Reiki, you can't explain that. How do you explain that? Well, Reiki is energy manipulation. Energies that can't be measured or seen or felt. Yeah, I mean, shit, like magnets you can explain.

Reiki, you can't explain that. If you're insane clown posse, you can't explain any of them. Well, I mean, you can't explain nearly... You can explain nearly anything. But no, like, it's fucking... Fulcrums and levers, how do they work? Energy re-healing, how does that work? But really, how does it work?

Like, I'm not, I mean, like, how does it work? I'm not being facetious. Actually, work. It doesn't work. And that's the problem is, like, when you have people that are just making stuff up, I don't see a problem with being like, well, they're wizards. Be like, well, yeah, they're fucking wizards because nobody can explain what they do and they really don't have any

results. They're just as effective as what I would think of as a normal wizard. Yeah, right. And color therapy? I mean, what's next? Like those bands that you wear around your wrist, like the power bands? Like, oh, I broke my leg.

Oh, here, try a power band in the color blue what no i would like my bone set that's not this is the worst doctor i've ever been to you're not a doctor at all i'm actually a witch oh shit that's fucking ridiculous i i also wouldn't you love to be the guy who like took the complaint? You know, like you're sitting there. Oh, yeah. You're like shuffling your fucking papers. You're answering phone calls and somebody comes up. I got to lodge a formal complaint.

Yeah, what's going on? Malpractice? No. Worse. Wizardry. Ooh. Let me get to my file cabinet and go under W for wizardry here and pull out the requisite forms. I actually think like they're like, oh, they have a general form and they're like, where the fuck is the

box for wizardry? There's gotta be a box out here. There's not even an other on here for this. There's nothing to check. Madness. Okay, sir, have a seat. We'll have you committed shortly. If the ionization rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities,

we could really bust some heads. In a spiritual sense, of course. This next story, I love this next story. This next story is from Huffington Post. This is an open letter to Simon Cowell from DJ Growth, president of the James Randi Educational Foundation. Simon Cowell, Cecil, it turns out, believes that his home contains negative energy and invited a house healer.

I had a house healer out recently. We called him a plumber. It's like the aluminum siding guy. Right. That's your house healer. He didn't burn any sage. No. He actually just fixed the plumbing.

Yeah, and then he lit an incense, of course. Yeah. Hit a gong before he starts welding or soldering the bong. Wow, no, he sweat the copper. What's going on here? That seemed superfluous. He has to pray over the copper before he. I have to if I have to do the plumbing.

No kidding, right? Yeah. Simon Cowell saying that there's negative energy. First off, Simon Cowell. Like, this guy, this guy's. The thing I don't understand about Simon Cowell is how important he feels like he is, but he

does nothing. He really doesn't do anything. What does he do? He sits on a stage and tells people they suck. That's not a useful job. I mean, anybody, I could do that job. We actually do do that job, sans the stage. Yeah. I mean, there's no stage, but we do it, job. Yeah. Sans the stage. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's no stage, but we do it. Yeah. I feel like, too, that this guy is like, you know, he's saying that there's negative energy and he needs a house healer. I want to know what that is. Like, I really like, is that a Feng Shui guy, you think? I don't know. You know, I worked once at a building in Oak Brook, which is a pretty affluent suburb of Chicago. And the dentist right down the hall from me in a different suite, he actually had the whole building shut down.

He paid the supervisor, the superintendent rather, to come in on a Sunday, turn off the fire alarms and what have you. And he had somebody come in and burn incense and do like a. Shut the fuck up. Like a cleansing. Oh, it stunk to fucking high heaven for like four days. He had paid them to come out and like burn sage and incense and do like a cleansing because they had an employee who had been fired. And that employee was such a negative energy, like fucking bad chakras everywhere, just terrible, whatever.

And so this fucking voodoo dipshit comes out and basically just takes money. It's like I will light virtually any dead plant material on fire and shake it around a building for money. Like that is an easy job. It's so funny because that fucking Oompa Loompa, that fucking medium, what is her name? Oh, that Long Island medium bitch. What's her name? Caputo.

Yeah. That Caputo walks around and does that shit on that fucking shit show she has where she walks around and she's like burning sage all the time when she talks to spirit. It's like fucking, give me a fucking break. That's going to do something. Spirit for her is a pronoun. It's a definite R. She's like, I'm talking to spirit. It's like fucking give me a fucking break. That's going to do something. Spirit for her is a pronoun. It's a definite art. She's like, I'm talking to spirit. Yeah. What?

Oh gosh, that fucking show. I could get off on a tangent about that show. Like I'll hear it in the other because I won't watch. I won't sit and watch it. When I walk in the room and that show's playing, I just shake my head until my wife changes the channel. I just, I walk in, I don't say anything. I just look at her and I shake my head. I'm like, no, this will not be on.

And then she shuts it off and plays something else, but I'll hear it when I'm in, like, the other room. I'll hear her talking. And the whole time, I'm just, like, yelling to myself. I'm like, the first thing she always asks everybody is, like, so did he pass from something from the chest? And you're like, fucking no, he passed him something from his fucking fingernail.

Like, what the fuck? Who passes from anything but the chest and head? That's so funny that you say that because yesterday that show was on in my house as well, although I was not the intended viewer. I was the – I fall asleep as soon as it's done. It's like, well, that show's on. It's time for me to nap. Yeah. But she says to somebody, she's like, you know, did your father pass?

And this woman was an older woman. She was like clearly in her 50s or 60s. Sure. So that's an easy guess. That's an easy guess. You know, did your father pass? Well, if he didn't, he's fucking extravagantly old, you know, because you're an old person. So it's like, did your father pass?

Oh, yeah. You know, he just recently passed. Oh, OK. Well, you know, and do you have an article of clothing of his oh yeah i do well that's pretty common yeah she's like you know do you occasionally take it out and look at it or smell it like yeah like well that's that's actually a common thing people do when they're grieving like that's that's a that's an extremely common thing is to hold on to something from somebody. Like you didn't name anything. Like you didn't name one fucking thing that's not like an 85% chance of success. Did your father have legs and arms?

Yeah. Oh, wow. You knew him so well. And think about it in this sense, right? Simon Cowell gets these people to come to his house. They'll fucking rearrange a furniture. They'll burn a thing. And then they'll say to him, we fixed the house.

And then Simon will be like, cool, it's fixed. He, she does the same thing to these people when they come like, cause they're, they're seriously, I mean, I think she's a fucking emotional vampire. Like when I watch the show, I'm like, you're a fucking cunt. I can't stand you lady. I want to light your hair on fire. That's what I want to do to this lady. But anyway, that when she does it, she basically goes up to these people that are in this serious grieving process and is like, understand that the person on the other

side knows that you love them and they want you to make sure that you keep on going with your life. And it's like fucking platitudes and bullshit and fucking useless information. It's like, no, the other person on the other side hates you. They fucking hate you. They're mad at you for fucking smothering their baby and then drowning you.

You know? Like, you never hear her say that. It's always like, oh, understand that they love you and they love you very much. Like, no fucking shit. They fucking loved me before. If they fucking still exist, they'd love me now. Don't give me your – it's like but but the thing is she's just telling what they want to hear so it's the exact same thing in this case it's the you know it's

the i'm gonna tell simon kahl exactly what he wants to hear he want what he wants to know is that when he hears a creak in the night he's gonna think it's a floorboard from now on that's settling not fucking the boogeyman exactly and he's gonna pay me an excessive amount of money to tell him that so i'm gonna tell him that because he's a fucking credulous fucking dipshit. And how can you be one of the most negative personalities on TV and complain that your house is full of negative energy? It's like you never say anything nice to anyone. Right, right. Like you've made a career out of being a dick. Yeah. And then you go home and you feel like, man, I'm fucking grumpy all day and I went home and I still feel like maybe my house is grumpy.

Maybe you're just grumpy, dude. Maybe it's not the house that's grumpy. Maybe you're just kind of a crab ass. He lives in like a big frowny face house. All his walls are gray. Yeah. He just walks in. He just feels sad.

All his walls are gray. He just walks in, he just feels sad. So we're going to take a minute and take a break to give you all the information that you need to find us on Facebook, on Twitter, on email, and to leave us voicemail. We'll return in just a moment for the rest of the show. Want to contact Cognitive Dissonance? Visit them on Facebook. You can find the link at the website Dissonance.com, or type it in the Facebook search bar. Be sure to follow the guys on Twitter.

Their handle is at Dissonance underscore pod. The guys also post to Google Plus now, too, so check them out there. And if you'd like to email them, you can do so at Dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. You can also leave a comment on the blog at their webpage or give them a call at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Long distance rates apply. And to everyone who listens, shares, retweets, or rates the show, Cognitive Dissonance would like to cordially thank you for all of your fucking support. Cecil, we have a name for our new segment.

We've got a name. We got a lot of suggestions. We want to thank everybody for sending suggestions in. But the winner was Luane with... Nutwork News. I like it. I like it. It's broad.

It gives us a lot of flexibility to make fun of virtually anybody. Yeah, it really does. That's great. Thank you very much. We appreciate everybody who sent in some suggestions. This is definitely within that category. This story is from The Daily Mail. I think The Daily Mail may make a frequent appearance on this segment. I think so, too.

I'm not fucking a Long Island medium here, but I think I've got this. Understand that The Daily Mail will be making an appearance. The Daily Mail loves you. Did you have a troubled relationship with the Daily Mail? You got her cadence down pretty good, actually.

That's because I'm an insufferable cunt, too. And you are kind of orange when you come right down to it. Religious fanatic How do you say that? I don't even know how you say this. I don't even know how you say this without laughing.

Religious fanatic killed baby daughter by stuffing pages of Bible into her mouth. This woman is fucking crazy. Yes. Yes. And her husband equally crazy. Right.

This, I got to say, the baby got lucky. This would not have been a house to grow up in. It's like a mercy killing almost, right? No kidding. At some point it's like, well, it's either murder or euthanasia. We're not real sure. Yeah. Gosh.

You know, it's a sad thing to think about. But, you know, I don't know that you're right, but it's certainly, it's a sad thing to think about what this person was going to go through for the rest of their life. The bipolar mother and the fucking, the father who's having a mental breakdown too. I mean, really, this is just a fucking, I mean, it's an awful story. bipolar mother and the fucking the father who's having a mental breakdown too i mean really this is just a fucking i mean it's an awful story the only way you're going to get through this is by laughing about it that's that's what we're going to so so the the mental health workers this is the part that's kind of insane the mental health workers show up and they can't decide if these

people are truly crazy or if they're just religious extremists, like the line between having gone fucking batshit stuff, Bible pages into a baby crazy and religious extremist is has become so thin. Like we're so we're at a point where like they do seem pretty crazy, but maybe they're just religious. I can't really tell. Let's wait and see if they kill a baby. Yeah. Let's wait and see if they fucking stuff Bible passages into the baby's mouth. Look, lady, it's not a goose, okay? You don't need to fucking stuff it with stuff.

You're not even fucking force-feeding something. You're not making foie gras out of it later. Foie gras, baby. She's the worst reading teacher ever. That's not how you do it. That's not how you learn. Sound it out. Sound it out.

You can't be hooked on phonics. That's for sure. I definitely, though, you know, I'm not a parent, right? So I don't know what it's like to raise a child. But I think to myself when I, you know, when I have these moments, when I see this, I think, you know, what would I do if I was a parent? And I got to be honest, Tom, I have a short temper. I have a pretty bad temper. And I could kind of see myself doing this. I mean, I could tear out my copy of like, God is not great and stuff it in their mouth or tear up the demon haunted world and stuff. No, actually, I can't see myself doing this at all.

No, that would not be something you would do. You'd be like, I'm going to take a walk. Yeah. Like that's what you would do. But the thing is, it's like you're stuffing the Bible in their mouth. You're like, okay, well, like how do you translate that to anybody that's not religious? What do they do if they're not religious? Right.

Yeah. No, the Encyclopedia Britannica. Yeah. Like I don't know what you would use like and what if you what if you threw out all your books and all you have is a kindle fucking baby won't stop crying where's my kindle damn it's not charged i can't put it in and then if you do use the kindle do you have to like go to the menu and select the bible you do you absolutely like or otherwise you're have to like go to the menu and select the Bible? You do.

For absolutely. Or otherwise you're standing like, I'm trying to shove in there the wrong book. No wonder it doesn't fit. It's not the Bible. Yeah, well, you know, the baby might have survived by just the jamming of the things in its mouth, except for she jumped up and down on it. Yeah, and doused it in white spirit. I had to look it up because I was like, white i was like what the fuck is that is it like i thought it was like english like uh i thought it was like an english version of like mad dog 2020

or something but what it really is is uh is um like turpentine or what we would call mineral spirits oh fuck yeah yeah that's that can't feel good on the skin at all. These same people try to smother her first child with a pillow to stop her kid from crying. How do you live children still? I don't. And

they clearly had caseworkers. Can't there just be a zero smothering policy? The first time somebody's like oh listen uh you gotta not smother your babies i don't know how else to say it there's no i can't beat around the bush on this one they show that old timey video from like 1950s like you shouldn't be smothering your children it's all scratch. You can hear like the projector beeps every now and again.

Yeah. There's cigarette burns in the corner of the film. The narrator is actually smoking while talking. You know, walking around. He's surrounded by babies and he's smoking around them. Babies are smoking at this point. The babies are in little leisure suits. Look around you. Babies need care, too.

When smothering babies, remember the three simple rules. Like, what the fuck? Don't smother a baby. Yeah, yeah. How is it that this happened in 2006? Now fast forward six years and they're like, ooh, who could have seen this coming? No kidding. six now fast forward six years and they're like oh who could have seen this coming no kidding like and and and that's the thing too is that if if you're that fucking nutty that you're gonna try

to smother your kid i don't know what you say to a judge to get them to be like yeah that kid's gonna come out of foster care and back to your care what do you say to it i mean how does it even work yeah i unless you were like, like, on crack or something. Like, you were so fucking whacked out on, like, substance that you tried to do something, and then maybe you fucking went through years of rehab. You know what I mean? I guess I could think of a few scenarios that would happen. But, you know, I mean, they have got to be some fucking pretty extraordinary circumstances

for that shit to fucking even take place. Maybe she's just a hell of a public speaker. Must be. She stood up in front of the judge and gave a great big impassioned speech about how she should get her, like it was an accidental smothering, the pillow fell, you know, she wasn't, what? How could a bipolar woman and a crazy dude possibly be having kids and then not managed properly that's just baffling to me you are watching the beginning and the birth of the new world order

and you want to call me crazy go to hell call me crazy all you want. This next story is from rightwingwatch.org. According to John Hagee, who incidentally Glenn Beck, called a prophet of our times. John Hagee, evidently a noted historian, decided that the Civil War was ended through fasting and prayer. That's how it ended. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Fasting and prayer ended through fasting and prayer. That's how it ended. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Fasting and prayer.

Because we know that if you fast and you pray correctly, hillbilly God will take your side. The thing I don't get, though, Tom, is that wouldn't hillbilly God be on the side of the Southerners? Yeah, one would think so, right? You know, hillbilly God is clearly from the South. Right. Wouldn't he have chosen the South to win?

Maybe the South is like Jesus. It's going to rise again. It's going to rise again. After a requisite amount of time. Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't make a lot of sense. But this Hagee guy, you know, you look at him, he looks like a Star Wars creature at this point. Like, he really does look like one of those aliens in the cantina.

His face is shrinking, so he's just got this giant fucking circle of flesh that surrounds his face. And it's, like, all flappy, you know? He's got this sort of, like, he looks like that thing in Star Wars with the giant cheeks that sort of come over. I don't know if you remember what this thing is. I don't even know what because I'm not like that big a Star Wars geek. But it's like big giant cheek thing. I look at him and the only thing I can think of is he looks like a melted Wilford Brimley. Yeah, that's pretty good.

It's like a wax museum Wilford Brimimley, that the air conditioning went out. Exactly. Oh, man, that's unfortunate for that. Well, if I can replace the placard, call it John Hagee. Fuck, who cares? You know, the thing is that in the article they'd say, we'd like to point out that Lincoln issued this declaration on March 30th of 1863, and Lee did not have the grace to surrender for another two years

until April of 1865. So, you know, the thing is about Hillbilly God, too, is he's not a fast mover. You know, if he's one of these guys from the South, you know, I'm just sitting here, I'm underneath my big old willow tree. I got my grass in my mouth. And when you call on me, I'm just going to, you know, I'm going to take my time. You know, I got my fishing to do. I got my hound dogs to groom. You know, I'm very busy.

I'm a busy guy. So it's going to take me a couple of years. I put it in my inbox and I'll get to it, but I'm not going to get to it right away. Yeah, I know y'all don't know what an inbox is yet, but that's because, you know, we'll get to that. We'll get to it all in good time. Now, if y'all could just go back to slaughtering each other wholesale for a couple of years now, dying maybe in the fields alone with the mud running over your bleeding face, I'd

be, oh, that'd be just right and nice. I would love you for that. And then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go ahead and let the South lose. That's what, you know, I only love them. You know, the South, fuck them. That's really. What?

Two years? Yeah, two years. That's a good time. Two years? And why? I don't understand the fasting thing. I'll never understand the fasting thing. It's like God's sitting up there.

Oh, I hear you praying, but you got a belly full of food. It just don't matter to me. And what does fasting have to do with this particular thing anyway? I could see if you're like, you know, asking for something and trying to sell them some sort of sacrifice. But what is the sacrifice? We're just not going to eat? What is that? The war isn't the sacrifice? We're just not going to eat? What is that? The war isn't enough sacrifice?

Yeah, like are we not like fucking like basically saturating the ground with blood at all these different battle sites? I mean, come on. People are getting fucking arms and legs amputated without any anesthesia or significant pain management at all. They're just held down and a bone saw is applied routinely while limbs pile up in a mountain of twitching hands and feet. And you're going to be like, well, I mean, I meant a real sacrifice. Like maybe you could, you know, go without lunch. What?

What? Y'all done ate a cracker. I can't hear you. Yeah, and look at Hagee. I mean, there's a guy who hasn't skipped a meal in a long time. Yeah, he's not accomplishing a whole lot with his prayers. No. That's all I'm saying.

He actually has to reverse pray he eats so much. He's got a reverse psychology God, you know. He got Admiral Snackbar over here. Admiral Snackbar over here. Admiral Snackbar? And Glenn Beck. How fucking irrelevant is that guy now? I mean, there was a guy whose name was, like, synonymous with misinformation and the worst kind of political partisanship for a very long time. I want to say for a couple years tom he was he was

riding high and then he just fell off the map i think he did like a real life network thing where he kind of just jumped out was like saying some crazy shit and people were just like oh if this comes true it's gonna be great and then nothing came true and he's like oh yeah i'm just kind of nuts yeah when fox news abandons you for credibility issues at that point you've got to take a look inside and just be like whoa I have fucking strayed real far from the

path of rationality I've got Fox News turned me down no kidding that's the bottom of the barrel Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar Allahu Akbar That's the bottom of the barrel. So this story is from Huffington post.co.uk.

This story's fucking awesome. Allowing women to drive would mean no more virgins, Saudi Arabia Religious Council says. So if women can drive, girls would be born having already had sex. There would be no more virgins. You meet like the first woman behind the wheel. Like all of a sudden, every woman is not a virgin. Does the riding in the car like break the hymen? Is that what happens?

You need new shocks. You've got to ride like side saddle in your bucket seats. Look, a Buick is not a Sibian. They're not the same fucking thing. You know, maybe you're misinterpreting what we mean when we say drive a car. Right, right. This is not a euphemism. No.

What they want to do is get behind the wheel of a vehicle and pilot it somewhere. They're not looking to get fucked. That is a different – I mean maybe if they pay too much for the car, they're getting fucked. They need to make sure that they sell girls like all the women over there, ones that don't have like a stick shift. You know what I mean? Like something in the side. You got to stay away from that. It's got to be on the column.

You cannot have like anything on the floor. And we're not even exaggerating. They even said the study into repealing the ban predicted that there would be no more virgins left in the Arab kingdom in 10 years. Virgins. No more. Two-year-old girls, not virgins anymore. Why? Women drive.

I don't know. What does it even mean? It'd be like saying, like, allowing women to drive will mean that the clouds will disappear. Wait, what? That doesn't, the two are unrelated. Allowing women to drive will set all our hair on fire. Plus, it does, I mean, women start off as virgins. There has to always be, like, they can can't are they just not going to be born

anymore it's just like only giving birth to boys why women can drive i don't know yeah it really doesn't make a lot of sense and then it says something that there's going to be an increase in homosexuality as well as and then and you know it's just i think the no more virgins thing is just so insulting because it's really reducing women down to their sexuality only. Right. Because you're saying like, we're worried about women not being virgins. Like, why is that any of your fucking business? Like what is, you know, first off, they're not going to magically not become virgins anyway. That's stupid. You're a fucking idiot. But secondly, the idea that, you know, maybe there'll be more promiscuous than or whatever. It's like,

it's like, you're just, you're just just basically saying I want to make sure that every woman is going to belong to a man before they actually, you know, have sexual intercourse. And that's just insulting to, you know, half of the population. It's just a ridiculous idea. The increase in homosexuality. What? Because women are driving. What? How does that increase homosexuality? What, because women are driving? How does that increase homosexuality? I haven't – this whole thing – I mean you're absolutely right. This has nothing to do with women driving a car.

This is all about control and power. That's all it says. It's all about ownership. Yes, absolutely. This is the same country that's currently considering a law forcing women to cover their eyes if they're deemed too tempting. Their eyes. Like, well, it can't expose your sight organs. Man, you've got some sexy eyes, lady.

Man, we wouldn't want you to sense things. I can only see the bridge of your nose, your eyelashes, and your irises. But I'm telling you what, bangable. Fuck her eyes. That's terrible. Dude, man, if you're that fucking freaked out about seeing women's flesh, geez, what you need to do is just fucking rub one out and calm down, bro. Absolutely.

Like there is a tension that has built up, which is unhealthy at this point. You've got to pull the release. It's not going to take you a lot of time. Just get that done. And what they're really afraid of is women are going to drive and they're going to realize that they can have power and that they can have autonomy and that things won't change. Right. That's what's that's what the real fear is, that women learn to drive. Women drive. They have autonomy. They have control over their their physical direction, but also their metaphorical direction. And and and they're not going to be damaged by it.

They're afraid that the opposite is true, really, that that this will happen and society won't fall apart. The opposite is true, really, that this will happen and society won't fall apart. And all their horrible predictions for the downfall of their society and the need to control women will be proven by this experiment to be obviously false. And so if we allow this, if we allow women to drive a car and our society doesn't collapse into fucking murder and chaos, then everything else is in question. Yeah, everything. All the rest of the means of control are in question. And it's just like you say. I mean, what this really is, is women can't get around and over there really far from

home without permission. Right. I have to ask my husband's permission to go somewhere. I have to ask my, you know, or my dad's permission or whoever's permission, my, you know, the chaperone's permission to get me somewhere. I can't even go anywhere with my mom. Mom and a daughter can't even go somewhere. You want answers?

I think I'm entitled. You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. So speaking of fetishes, this story is from BuzzFeed.com. The sex psychic who can see your past lives. This is a story about a psychic who uses your past lives to answer sexual questions. Who goes to this?

Who has a serious sexual question? Yeah, because that's what it is. It's a sex. It's a phone sex thing. It's $3.99 a minute. If I'm going to spend $3.99 a minute or $9.99 a minute or any dollars a minute and call somebody on a sex line, it's not going to be a fucking sex psychic. I don't want to know about my past lives. Just breathe real heavy.

Right. Just tell me what you're fucking wearing. Let's get this thing done. What are you doing here? Let's get this started. Although, to be honest, I think that it would make the Sylvia Brown calls kind of awkward, wouldn't it? Because she already sounds like she's using one of those electronic voice boxes. You know where she's like, I want to do this.

It'd be like if she was going to do a sex call, it'd be like having sex with an autotune bass guitar. You know where she's like. Oh, man, I'm going to fuck Johnny Five so hard. No, disassemble Johnny Five. Johnny Five never felt so alive. It's terrible. She has the sexiest voice, though. I mean, come on.

She sounds like she's ready to cough up a lung at any moment. She sounds so hoarse. We can only hope. Like, well, I think I see him in the back. She's fucking so gross. Hey, honey, let me tell you. She sounds like fucking Gollum. Yeah, the sex psychic is interesting.

You know, like the thing I wonder is like a guy would call her up and she'd be like, well, I want to tell you about my past. I'd be like, shut up. Tell me about how I can ejaculate faster. Once I was on a call with a guy and I felt the sensation of being choked. I asked him, are you into breath play? He was shocked. He was silent at first and then denied it, but he denied it in a way that made it obvious I'd struck the nerve and freak him out. No, he said you were wrong. Yeah, I know. Like she never actually, he denied it.

Like it's like, oh, okay. Well, did he ever say he did it? No, he just denied it. Oh, I see that validates your story. And then she goes on to say that the whole psychic thing started because she needed the money. Yeah. And it was either phone sex or psychic. She went to a psychic class and just figured fucking peanut butter and chocolate. Let's do this thing. I just don't know of any like I really just don't know if any guy would be patient enough for that.

Like it doesn't feel like – it doesn't feel like a good selling point. I don't – this is a bad – this is a product in need of a market, right? Right. You're like – you've got a sex question. So you call a psychic. But if I've got the question and the psychic can only read my mind but I don't know the answer, how does the psychic know the answer? I never understand that. I'm going to be like, I don't know this thing. Let me read your mind.

No, no, no. I've read my mind. I'm in the fucking thing. Yeah, I know. I have the question. Yeah. It's like you can't read my mind to tell me what I already know don't know. And I want to read what her powers were because she basically lists what her powers are here.

It says, I first knew that it may be 20 years ago when I realized I was picking up on other people's thoughts. So when people imagine being psychic, they imagine it will be all mind reading, 100 percent telepathy. But psychic thought can also mean picking up on emotional feelings that aren't yours. Or it can be picking up on a visual thought. And it's like, okay, well, great. You know, if I thought it, then why do I need you? Because that already fucking happened. I don't need somebody to be like, oh, you know, you just thought of a deer.

Be like, yeah, I know. I fucking just thought it. I don't need you. That's like having a, that's like having an unneeded echo in the room. Exactly. I've always felt that way. It's like if all a psychic can do is tell me what I think, what good is that? Like you're saying, like, well, you like the color red.

Okay, fine. What's going to happen tomorrow? Like, what are the fucking lottery numbers, bitch? What are you doing wasting my time telling me shit I already know about me? Yeah, and I think the only way you could be useful in that is if you do like what a psychiatrist does, which is like get you to admit things with your thoughts. You know what I mean? Like get you to realize things that you're doing.

I don't know anything about fucking psychiatry or psychology, so don't fucking send me emails about it because I don't care. with your thoughts. You know what I mean? Like get you to realize things that you're doing. I don't know anything about fucking psychiatry or psychology, so don't fucking send me emails about it because I don't care. But, you know, I would imagine that one of the things that they do is to try to get you to come to terms with your thoughts. But the psychic isn't doing that. They're just like, it's like a parlor trick. They're just saying like, well, you're thinking of the color blue, aren't you? Fuck, I was thinking of the color blue.

You're awesome. Here's $100. Right. And doesn't it always seem like you're constantly just paying to prove that they're a psychic? Right. All they do is they're just, you show up and they tell you things that you already know, and then you give them money for it to prove that they are what they said they were. You know, imagine any other service like that. Imagine a service where you took your car to the mechanic and you're like, my car has a knocking engine. The engine knocks.

The mechanic's like, I agree. The engine is knocking. Well, here's a hundred bucks. Drive away with a knocking engine. Or he goes over to a, to a carburetor and he tightens a screw and he's like another one that isn't even yours. Well, here's your hundred dollars. You proved to me you're a mechanic. There you go, buddy. Good for you. You proved to me you're a mechanic. I know.

There you go, buddy. Good for you. It's evident that you are a mechanic. Thank you. What? Yeah. Fucking bad one. I don't know how these two things get put together, but it feels like the worst, you know, the worst waste of money and the worst case of blue balls you could get.

Right. And this is a terrible, and then she goes on to say that as an empath, I was just too sensitive. One man called me repeatedly and told me heartbreaking stories of abuse. Well, that's not because you're an empath. That's just because you're empathetic. That's just because you had ears. Right. I mean you didn't burn out because you're fucking so sensitive and tuned into his psychic energies.

You burned out because it sucks to hear sad shit all the time. Yeah, no kidding. One person is like, oh, man, how was your day? Awesome. I heard some really sad stories all day. It was super great. Let's have pot roast. What?

You only say that if you're like Dexter. You know what I mean? So we're going to talk about some emails, but first time we have a voicemail that we want to play. The person didn't leave their name, but it's, uh, it's from a young lady and we want to play it for you now. Hi guys. Um, I just wanted to call your show. I've never done that before. And thank you guys for being so awesome. I've only been listening six months now, and I got all my friends to listen as well. So now you have a good four listeners and more listeners.

But I did have one little quick question to ask. I just became an atheist about three, well, yes, wow, about six months ago now. And now whenever I drive by churches and I read their signs, they infuriate me. Like, there's one in my town in Maryland that says, a life without Christ is like an unsharpened pencil. It doesn't have a point. And it just makes me so angry. I just want to, every time I see it, I just want to put my foot through it.

So condescending. But I just wanted to know if you guys, like when you guys became atheists, did little things like that start to bother you too? Okay, keep up the good work. Bye. So, Tom, Google Voice got some of it right. I read this one through. It got some of it right, but some of it, it got hilariously wrong.

It's fantastic. Hi, guy. That's just to me. I just wanted to call you show. I never done that before. And thank you guys for being so awesome. I only the listing six months now and got all my friends to you.

Listen, as well as so that now you have a good for listening to have more. I live in the butt. I do. I do have way more than it should call a sex psychic.

Find out. Oh man. But I do have one little quick question. Ask. I just became eight. That's it about three. Well, yeah.

Well, six months ago now and now whatever I drive by churches and I repair something. Hey, you're eight. Me like this one. That's so creepy. That is. And my town in Maryland, that bad. The live life without Christ is like it on sharpened pencil.

There is it doesn't haveed pencil. There is. It doesn't have a point. And it, thank you, makes me so angry at when I, every time I ate, it's a lot. Bye-bye. What through it be great? Well, kind of spending. But I just want to know if you guys like when you guys became it, the it. It's little things like that.

Start to bother you too, okay? Keep up the bye-bye-bye. Keep up the bye-bye-bye. I love it. It's little things like that start to bother you too, okay? Keep up the bye-bye-bye. Keep up the bye-bye-bye. I love it. So, Tom, the question is, do we get mad when churches have, like, arrogant signs, things that say, like, a life without Christ? The things that say a life without Christ is like an unsharpened pencil. It has no point.

No, I don't care at all, personally. I look at that and I'm just like, whatever. I mean, you guys, you guys do your thing. Waste your Sundays. It doesn't mean spit to me. I'll be getting a cup of coffee. You got to ask yourself, like, who's doing the judging? You know, it's like I wasn't looking for your approval anyway. Yeah.

So your lack of approval means nothing to me. I didn't want it to start with. It's like, I don't approve. I got other shit to do. Before we started, I didn't have your approval. After we're done, I don't have your approval. It's a fucking zero-sum game here. Right.

Net loss, zero. What do I care? You got any bacon? I don't care at all. Who cares? But, yeah, I get a little ticked when I'm driving through Indiana and I'll see

hell is real on the side of the road. Now that does bother me. Fuck you, dude. Yeah, the fear mongering bothers me. That's the shit that really ticks me off where it's like they're trying to force people to believe through scaring them. That's something that makes me mad.

Because kids can read that shit. Absolutely, yeah. Get a fucking eight-year-old in the car. Hell is real. Oh, there goes sleeping a night. What am I going to tell him about? Well, tell him about hell. Give him the bedtime story about hell.

And remember, if you're not good, you'll burn forever. Nighty-night, Jimmy. We got a lot of email this time, Tom, that was just sort of, hey, great show. Thanks for putting it on. And I just want to say thanks to Randy. Thanks to Ivan. Thanks to Mark. And thanks to Susanna, who all sent us just quick little emails that were like, hey, I really love the show.

Thanks so much. So thank you for listening and thanks for sending us a message to let us know that you enjoy it. Absolutely. We did get an email from is it Yaris? Is that how you would say it? I don't know. Yaris? I don't know.

It looks very foreign. I don't know. But it's from Chicago and it looks like the Chicago skeptics in the Pub is something that happens here in Chicago. I've never attended a Chicago Skeptics in the Pub event, but they are about. And there is – you can visit them at ChicagoSkeptics.com. They sent us a message with a bunch of things that are happening in October 20th. They're going over this.

They don't have a place for it yet, but they're going to be covering the con, how patterns of thinking let us be fooled. They're going to have a skeptical salon on October 25th, November 17th. They're having a consumer protection skeptics take on the marketers. December 22nd, there's the post-2012 apocalypse party, which I think is great. And then sometime in February, they're going to have their third annual Chicago Skeptic Camp. You can always go to ChicagoSkeptics.com and check them out. I know that they also have a Facebook page. So if you search for Chicago Skeptics, you should be able to find them.

I know I'm on that Facebook page and I get their updates. But I've never had enough. They always do stuff when I'm busy, like on the Saturdays that I'm busy. So I've never actually had an opportunity to go to any of their events. We'll have to rectify that. We'll have to definitely work on that. I'll have to not be busy on Saturday. I don't know that that's going to work. Tom, I just want to throw a quick shout out to Dave and Jim. They're buddies of mine, and they're getting a civil union in Illinois this weekend, and I want to wish them a happy—I can't say marriage. I guess we'll have to say civil union because our state is fucking in the Stone Age

and doesn't recognize gay marriages. So happy union, guys. What happens when you have a civil union and you're having a fight? Do you go on strike then? Is that? And like your in-laws come in to like bust up the union. No, but I'm very happy for both you guys. Congratulations.

We got a couple of new shirts, Tom. We did, and they don't suck. Yeah. As opposed to the previous shirts, which were awful. Yeah, which were fucking embarrassing. Just absolutely terrible. Bad. But these shirts are actually were awful. Yeah, which were fucking embarrassing. Just absolutely terrible. Bad. But these shirts are actually high-quality shirts, and they're available. You can go to our Facebook page.

You can buy them right from a clicking on the Facebook page. And they're only $20. And here's the thing. We get $5 of that. Yeah. As opposed to like 11 cents. Yeah. Cafe Press was basically – we were just selling stuff through Cafe Press because

we wanted people to have merchandise. But with this deal, with this other company, this indie merch, we see a significant portion of the $20 that you pay for. So people who have contacted us in the past and said, hey, how do I support the show? A great way to support the show would just be buying a shirt. You go and buy a shirt from us, you're basically giving us five times as much as we'd get if you bought an app. It's a significant amount

of money, so if you're interested in supporting the show, the shirts are available. I'm going to put them on the website in a couple of weeks. I'm not going to have an opportunity. The reason why the show is short this week is because I'm going on vacation tomorrow morning, so I have to mix the podcast tonight. But I'm going on a vacation tomorrow morning. I won't be back until middle of next week. And I'm probably not going to be worrying about anything until then. But if you go to our Facebook page, you go to our website first,

like us on Facebook. And then on our Facebook page, you could just click on the store icon at the top. There's on the tabs, there's a store icon. It'll take you there. And then you can find the shirts from there. I'll also put a link in this episode of the blog post for this podcast, for this particular episode. So you can click on it there, but I'll actually have it on as a homepage option later on when I finally get around to rearranging the front page of the website. Yeah, get to it, Cecil. I don't know how to do it. I don't even understand most of what you just said. All right.

Well, it's a short show, but you're getting it early. So does that help? I don't know. I don't know if that helps at all. But it's a short show this week. We'll be back next week. The normal time, so expect a good long delay between now and the next show. And we will leave you with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter,

mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and views expressed in this show are that of the hosts only. Our poorly formed and expressed notions do not represent those of our wives, employers, friends, families, or of the local dairy council. you