Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 687: When the edible hits

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at. This is episode 687 of Cognitive Dissonance. At least we're fairly certain of that. We're getting 65% certain.

That's more certain than I am of almost anything I take action on in my life, Cecil. Perfectly fine. Perfectly acceptable. C's get degrees, baby. I have acted with more stakes and less certainty in my life many times. So I, by the way, Cecil, I, again, I know I've said it before. I fucking love that we get to do these silly shows. I love doing these silly shows.

There's such a breath of fucking fresh air in my week. So this story fucking kills me. It's from the Jerusalem Post. Again, I don't care if any of these are true because it's delicious. Two men hospitalized after game of Monopoly ends in sword fight. Now, here's the thing. Yeah. The way this story reads is it's not technically the guys that were playing Monopoly got in like one of them got mad and grabbed the sword, which is what I thought happened. Because Monopoly, let me tell you, there's no less fun game out there than Monopoly.

Monopoly is not fun, and it's mean. It's a mean game made to make your little brother cry. It's capitalism, the game. Yeah, exactly. It takes forever. It shouldn't be fun. It grinds you to a nub and nobody has any fun it shouldn't be fun it's not a fun it's not fun it's bad game design here's the here's the thing the most

unbelievable i'll read the story guys but the most unbelievable part of the story is this part monopoly game ends no i had a brother who would flip it all over. Oh, that's also, did you ever play a game of Monopoly to the bitter end? I've never played Monopoly. I think I've played Monopoly maybe four times in my life. I've played Monopoly.

I used to, because the thing is when you first start playing Monopoly, it's kind of fun in the beginning. Everybody's got some money and you're like buying stuff and you're moving around the board. But by hour like 39 of playing Monopoly. This is too long. There's no good end game in Monopoly.

For that game to end. Monopoly should be the first person. After everyone makes it around the board twice, you count your money and see who wins. Yes. That's what it should be. That would be a perfectly fine. And you're like, okay yes that's what it should be that's that would be a perfectly fine but instead okay that's that's about right but if you go to like i take all your money and i'm a fucking like a landlord baron shit bag yes like nobody wants to be that it's it is actually like

a little bit truman show surreal-esque that we even have a game that mimics capitalism so well that it's a zero-sum win. Yeah. Right? That looks like, it's because it's not what you're like, whoa, well, we've all got enough. It's not like, oh, we played Monopoly for a little while. We played capitalism and everybody's got enough. And then we all went home happy.

Instead, it's like, no, I will grind you until you're poor. And then when you're poor, until you're poorer. And until you're in the chattel you're poor until you're poorer and until you're in the chattel house, everything, you will go bankrupt. You will be borrowing money from fucking free parking. It's going to,

you're going to be like, you're going to be fucking on the street doing crack, lighten it with a dollar bill from the monopoly money. That's it. That's what's going to be happening until the screams of your children are the music of my household i shall not quit destroying you i love capitalism i love that you need like four houses for one big house it's like four houses and i love too that they end up you'd line them up in a row so

shitty row houses there's there's so much like amazing symbolism in that game. You could be a monocle or whatever. Come on, man. A monopoly game in Brussels turned bloody after an irritated man approached the players with a Japanese samurai sword. He wasn't even part of it, but he knew capitalism sucks. I know. Well, the only way to deal with capitalists is with a sword.

It's it. It's it. It's it. Never bring a monopoly game to a sword fight. Yeah. Never. No. Yeah. Another good way to deal with capitalists though.

Admittedly is a guillotine. It is chop, chop. The details of the guillotine is really just a big sword. It is. It's in one position. It's just a stationary sword with only one move. It's one. Very hard to dodge. Very hard hard to find it's a good fatality move that it has here's the

thing too cecil the details of this story as i read them are fucking delicious the details are great police said the fight erupted around 5 a.m on april the 2nd when a group of four people had been playing the popular board game on the sidewalk outside their home, who the fuck is playing monopoly at five in the morning at the sidewalk. I've never been that high in my life. I've never been that high. I would beat the shit out of anybody. What's the highest you've ever been in your life?

Oh, edibles. Oh, by far. Yeah. Edibles in Colorado. I think I told this story, but I'll tell it again. If like I had, I went to Colorado with a couple of buddies of mine

and we went to the, uh, and I'm not, I'm not a pot guy. Like I think every once in a while, but I mean by every once in a while, I mean, I haven't been high in at least three or four years. So like very, very infrequent, but so I was, I was in Colorado with a couple of buddies of mine and I was like, well, while we're here, let's go buy some edibles or whatever, you know, went in Colorado, you know? And so we went, none of us know what we're doing. Cause none of us are like, sure. So we bought these gummies and the gummies are 10 milligram gummies, which I doesn't mean anything to me.

Didn't mean anything to me at all. And I also have no idea like how this stuff works. So I go back to thebnb and we all hate a gummy and we are hanging out and kind of like it's the typical like oh 45 minutes later nothing happened right and so like i was like let's have another gummy so we have another gummy and then now you're fucking well so then a little bit later nothing happens and we all have a third gum did a third one so i'm i'm 30 milligrams of edible in which i've come to discover is a spectacularly high amount of thc particularly for somebody with literally like no prior i mean like

probably been four years since i'd smoked pot five years before that so just essentially no being high experience and then we all decided we were going to go at the Airbnb outside. They had a hot tub and it was this beautiful freezing cold day in Colorado, like in Vail Breckenridge actually, where we had rented this Airbnb. And like we, by the time, like we start changing into our clothes to go like our swim clothes, to go outside, to go to the hot tub and hang out in the hot tub. Like I start getting spectacularly high, like unbelievably high. And I got more and more and more, and there's more of the story, but like, I got more and

more and more high to the point where like, we got in, like, there was all kinds of like craziness outside at the jacuzzi, but like, we got in and like, we've, I sat down in this chair and I was like, oh, I'm hungry. Let's make some food. And I'd bought steaks and stuff. And I'm not even, I'm super not exaggerating. I went to the stove and I looked at the steaks and I couldn't remember how to make

a steak. A steak season. I could not remember how to use the stove. It was like complicated. I was like, well, we'll order pizza. And I was like looking at my phone. I'm trying desperately to like call somebody to order pizza. I couldn't figure out my DoorDash app. I'm like trying, I finally get ahold of somebody

like we don't deliver. And I felt like crying. I actually felt like breaking down into tears, crying. You were fucking up. I was super fucked up, dude. It was crazy. It was very unpleasant. I finally got ahold of somebody and ordered pizzas.

And then I sat in this chair and I, we turned on a Bill Burr comedy special on HBO. And Bill Burr just yells at you. Yeah, he justbo and bill burr just yells at you yeah like he just yells at you and i'm in this chair and i'm absolutely couch locked to this chair like desperately couch locked to this chair and like i am just getting more and more high like it's hitting me these waves doesn't stop and it's like getting worse and so then like bill burr is yelling at me this and this comedy special cecil is black and white and about halfway through it i realize it's black and white like consciously and then, Cecil, is black and white. And about halfway through it,

I realized it's black and white, like consciously. And then I'm like, is it black and white for everybody? You know, you're just like, I'm that level high. Yeah, I've been that. The pizza guy showed up and I couldn't remember how much he said the pizzas were. And I couldn't remember how much money I had. And the whole exchange seemed overly complicated. I didn't know what to do. And I, Cecil, I gave him all of my weekend money. So I gave the pizza guy at least $400 or $500 for these pizzas. Nice. Was it a good pizza? I don't remember at all.

He like, I just went to the door and I was just like, and I just handed him all of my hanging out with the boys weekend cash. Just all of it. And it was just like, money. And like, I woke up the next day and we were going snowmobiling that day, like through the mountains. And I woke up and I got out of bed and I was still fucking high. Wow.

And not a little high. I was unpleasantly high. Yikes. For how long? It did, by the time we got, because it was bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter cold, which did kind of just like wake you up a little bit. Yeah. So by the time we got to the snowmobile place and started to like change into our snow gear,

I, I felt pretty sober, but yeah, it was horrible. Yeah. Genuinely horrible. Zero out of 10. I hated it. Yeah. What about you? Highest I've ever been was a very similar situation.

highest i've ever been was a very similar situation i went to go visit a buddy at a university of wisconsin madison and i was about 22 maybe at the time and he was in college uh maybe i was 21 and he was 20 you know somewhere around there he might have been 21 i was 22 something like that and he was my buddy who went to college there. And like a bunch of us didn't go to college with him. He just went off by himself. But we used to like once in a while get in a car and go visit him. Sure.

So we went up there to go visit him. And he says, hey, you guys want to drop some acid? And I was like, fuck yeah, let's drop some acid. That sounds awesome. And everybody's like, cool. We all pitched in money. And he came back and he's like, all right, I got, you know, X amount, however many there were of us. And he's like, it looks like we can all do about a hit and a half. And it was like, cool.

So we all just did a hit and a half. Well, this stuff was like fucking like fucking baller, amazing, really, really high level acid. And I've, I'd done some good acid before, but only like limited doses. Right. Um, I did acid once, um, that I got at the grateful dead show. That was amazing, but I did a limited dose of it. You know what I mean? This stuff, I did a lot. Lit you up. And I did. And, and, and I went to the bathroom and I came back and it, and it had like that sort of weird anxiety stuff going on. And we're watching, we're watching baseball because it's around October

when things are happening and like the playoffs and like the World Series. And a guy, one of these guys for like the Braves just happens to be that night pitching a no hitter, which is like a big deal.

Sure. And he's pitching this no hitter and people in the a big deal. Sure. And he's pitching this no hitter and people in the audience are like crying. And I don't know how to process this. I'm just like, I'm like, what is happening? Like, why are you like, it's baseball, right? There's no crying in baseball, but like, seriously, like my brain couldn't put these two things together. And then at a certain point, like we were kind of okay in that house, but then my buddy's like, hey, let's go to this frat party down the street. And that's when shit just went off the rails.

I remember at one point I'm sitting upstairs and people are laughing way too loud. And like, it feels weird. And like my one buddy was kind of going like schizophrenic. He's like, they're all laughing because they know that we know that we're laughing. And he's doing one of those, like he's freaking out and he's like, please like they're all laughing because they know that we know that when they're laughing and he's doing one of those like he's freaking out right he's like please stay away from me right now right yeah i'm like this already sucks for me but it's gonna suck worse because

you're freaking out and i remember there was a girl i was in the hall just fucking like completely like wasted and i remember this girl came by and i think she tried to hit on me at a certain point. And I would just like, like kind of like, please leave me alone. Like I can't process this. And then at a certain point I went outside onto the fucking, uh, onto the,

uh, Belka cause it's a fucking frat house town. So they have an actual couch on their porch. Right. So it's a gross couch, nasty fucking couch. Genuinely. It was the only quiet place.

And so I went outside and I was like, actually, this is okay. I'm okay out here. And then this dude comes outside and I'm just smoking cigarette after cigarette after cigarette. Guy comes out, sits next to me. He's like, hey man, what you doing? I'm like, oh, just sitting out here. And he's like, oh. He's like, man, I did a little mescaline earlier.

I was like, no kidding. I was like, oh, how was it? He's like, it's really good. It's kind of starting to wear off now. And I was like, oh, I did some acid. He's like, oh, what are you on? And I'm like, I'm on I was like, Oh, how was it? He's like, it's really good. It's kind of starting to wear off. And I was like, and I was like, Oh, I did, I did some, uh, some acid. He's like, Oh, what are you on? And I'm like, I'm on a hit and a half a pyramid. He's like, Whoa, man, I only do like a half a hit of that stuff. And that guy just put me in a spiral. Cause like, here's this guy who's like, yeah, I was shooting heroin earlier. It was terrible. It was, I was the whole night. I just kept trying to get away from people and couldn't.

And it was just, it was insanity. But it was like, that was, I think the last time I did acid, I think that was the last, I've never done it. It was really unpleasant.

And it sucks so long, Tom. It's so long. It's like, like as an adult, I don't know how you find time for acid. Like it's, it's a 12 hour ordeal. You got to like block. You got to like, you got to put how you find time for acid. It's a 12-hour ordeal. You've got to

put shit in your outlook calendar. You've got to get a cat sitter. Are you kidding me? What is happening in your life? I've got 12 free hours? You've got to calendar that shit. I don't have kids and I don't have 12 free hours. Are you kidding me?

This story comes from click Orlando, naked greased up Florida, man accused of breaking into two homes and jumping into pool. I love the subheading. Deputies believe suspect was under the influence of unknowns. Oh, you think so? Did you go to police Academy?

All right, Sherlock, you crack the fucking case. I'm going to read this fucking thing oh god a man was arrested friday morning in debarry after he allegedly broke into two homes and tried to evade deputies by jumping into a swimming pool and then onto a trampoline if you watch this video he like literally i didn't watch a video video he he runs away he runs away it's like a five minute video so like you gotta kind of fast forward to like the part.

Is there music playing? There's a lot of huffing and puffing because you're a cop cam, right? So the cop runs up. He's like, freeze. And then the guy runs. And then the cop doesn't run after him right away. He's like, he's standing. He's like, all right.

So I got a runner. He just ran. All right. So just so you know, he's, he's generally about the back. And then he kind of trots and he walks back, Tom, and he opens the gate and this guy

jumped the fence, had a 45 second head start while this guy's out there. He jumped in the pool. And then when the cop opened the gate, he jumps out of the pool. I didn't think you chased me. Well, you know, the problem is... I wonder if he was sitting under there with a reed.

He's like, he's got one of those hollow reeds and he's breathing through the reed like fucking Rambo in that fucking movie or whatever. I wonder if when he got in the pool, he yelled out Marco. Marco? As if nobody said Polo. That's what the cop did. The cop screamed Marco. Yeah.

If you don't hear Polo back, you think nobody's coming after you. Nobody's coming. Well, the best part is the guy jumps out, starts to run, and then jumps on a trampoline and lays down thinking he's going to hide or something. And then the cop comes up to him, and this guy is covered in two substances, grease and his own blood. What the fuck? What is your day i have no i his day what is your day is something else man what is your day like i when i read this story

like he's covered in scroll down real quick because i want to i want to read the kind of he's covered in some kind of like industrial grease yeah no he's like yeah in addition to being naked covered in wheel bearing yeah oil and blood peppermint oil and blood what is your day man you know uh officials believe he may have been high are you i fucking hope so like the best case scenario is that that guy was high because if he wasn't then i don't even want to know do you ever go you ever you remember i don't know if you ever played this game when you were in in college or whatever but you would like smear myself in wheel bearing grease and then slide across a trampoline that would be if you can make yourself bleed no but like like you go to a uh a grocery store late at night and someone's like i

want to get a bag of chips and you'd be like And then you'd, you'd go grab the three most random things. And you challenge your friends to go buy three really random things. And so like your friend would come with like a, like a thing of Vaseline, a cucumber and like a box of condoms. Right. Right. Right.

Like that, that's not random, but you know what I mean? Like someone, maybe you try to make the person laugh or maybe you would just try to be like, I'm going to get the three most random things i could think of yeah right right like this feels like that no it feels like it feels like somebody bought them and then they summon

this guy that's what it feels like it feels like they bought these two things accidentally cut themselves and the blood summoned this guy from the whatever the nether realms. Did we interrupt him in summoning demons? What's with the peppermint oil? Which came first? Was he smeared with peppermint oil? I was like, oh, I don't like the smell of that. It's a little strong. He needs some wheel bearing grease to really... Or was he covered in wheel bearing

grease? It was like, essential oils. I do need my essential oils. You want to see the order you want to see the order me an interview i had no idea this was a real story from ktla5 a legit laxative customers weigh in on starbucks brews infused with olive oil what the fuck dude they have a drink that they are making like a basically like a latte type drink that they are making, basically like a latte-type drink that they are making, that they froth up, that has olive oil in it.

And it makes people shit themselves. Like, it gives people fucking diarrhea. Okay, when you get up in the morning or you go to Starbucks, drinking the coffee, when you drink a cup of coffee, drinking the coffee, when you drink a cup of coffee, that's like when you eject the shell from the shotgun. But when you add the olive oil,

that's loading the shell back into the cylinder. That's the second part of the rack, right? Like when you rack a shotgun, it's a two rack motion. It's two motions. It's a down and an up, right? And the down is the coffee, but the up is definitely the olive olive oil well like look a strong cup of coffee in the morning definitely sort of gets the engine right i don't move it absolutely move it i don't need the oil the oil is not doing me any favors

yeah like what is that like am any favors. What is that? It's not a speed shitting competition. I'm not in the world record on how much I can push out in a certain time frame. Who thought this was a good idea? That sounds genuinely disgusting. The taste of olive oil and coffee?

I don't know. It doesn't sound good to me either. It sounds awful. There's people who do all kinds of weird shit with olive oil. and coffee? I don't know. Like, I don't, it doesn't sound good to me either. It sounds awful. There's people, though, who do all kinds of weird shit with olive oil. Like, there's like olive oil, like, like gelato and stuff

where people, like, make olive oil flavored stuff. I don't get it. I don't get it. Those people are wrong about what they like. There's a very specific range of things

that olive oil can be good for. Yeah. But, like, and I do understand reaching into what might be a traditionally savory thing to turn it into a sweet thing

that can sometimes work. And it is true that sometimes that works. But more often than not, it doesn't work. Right? I'm just, like coffee is bitter.

Yeah. And olive oil has those like fruity kind of like delicate flavor to it. And it just seems like they would be awful. Like to me, this just thinking about it is a toothpaste and orange juice combination. Yeah. I also feel too, there's also sometimes you'll get olive oil that can have a little harshness

and an edge to it that would make the coffee already unpleasant. Yes. So like I've had olive oil that has had like this, like the back of the mouth sort of harshness in it. Like when you have just like a little taste of the olive oil itself. And so sometimes it can, and some people will say like, that's a very peppery olive oil or whatever. It's got like a lot of pep, like a peppery quality to it. And so I can't imagine't imagine i mean i'm sure there's some very smooth or very un-nuanced olive oils that might work here but but anything with any

kind of real flavor probably wouldn't be very good no and essentially what they're doing what i mean let's just be honest yeah what they're doing is trying to sell you an up-saled that like first off starbucks is already a shitty company that's charging you way too much money for a fucking cup of coffee. It's obscenely expensive. It's an obscene company that hates unions. Yeah. All right. So like I already don't like the company, period.

And then you're going to be like, now I'm going to charge you even more. I'm going to be like, I'm going to figure out a way to upsell you on an already up-sold cup of coffee. Right. That's what it is. That's literally what the Alibaba thing is. It's going to make you shit yourself on your way to work. It's like that stuff. Remember that stuff they used to have? That Olene? Yeah, well. Olestra? That's the other thing is that we already have Olestra, which has

like warnings of anal leakage on the package, right? Because like, yeah. Because the way that like, and I, I listened to a, a, a, I think a maintenance phase or you're wrong about, I can't remember which about how this stuff works, but basically like the Olestra stuff, like the stuff in Olestra, it binds to the fat. So, and then it makes the fat not be able to be absorbed. And so your body just like it clumps up basically. And then your body just is like, well, I can't use it. Let me shit this out.

And I'm just going to shit it out except for it's oily. And so like your body is made up of these sphincters and it's just like, I can just leak past these sphincters. They're not perfectly. So you just have like a fucking shitty leakage problem in order to eat chips and not have as much like calories from it. Then Starbucks comes out with a drink and they make essentially like fucking x lax the drink for fucking like 11.99 and then they call it

olito there's already olestra you already are like why would you make something and associate it it seems like it's on purpose you know what i I mean? If you don't garnish it with one of those chips, I won't drink it. It should come with a package of those chips. This story comes from WKBN, First News 27. I think this is a ABC affiliate. Truck carrying toxic soil from East Palatine overturns in Columbiana County.

This is just like the bad news bears of trains for like east palestine east palestine was was where the horrible train derailment occurred i think last month and so they took all this like soil that had been like toxicked up by that train spill. And then they put it on a train. They put it on a truck. The truck. And then the guy's driving the truck. And then he like fucking was texting. He biffed and the truck fell over.

This reminds me of that scene in the fucking in Naked Gun with OJ Simpson, where he's like putting his hand on something. And he like, like the truck, like, like touches wet paint and then it touches a fucking fire and then it falls on, like it's stuck in a bear trap.

Right. What's that? A window? Like the only, like I, the only thing that would make this more absurd is if like they packaged all the fucking dirt back into the truck and they drove it through like a plate glass

that two guys were carrying across the road. And then there was like a big thing of TNT and it blew all the dirt up in the air. Jesus. One guy's got a wheelbarrow full of it. It trips over, falls on a baby. It's just like, it's like. Yeah, we are the worst. Oh, man.

I love it. But it's one of those things, too, where, you know, you read this and you're thinking, you know, there's, this is this while we're laughing about it, this is a thing with a real toll. Oh yeah. There's a real toll. They're moving toxic soil out of an area. Like this is a company that, that basically, you know, and, and it wasn't just that during that week, like they lost like three trains in a week. Oh, I know. Like the same company, the same company,

like the trains are just like, man, they're falling off. They're fucking shooting off the tracks. But, but you know, like, like these companies, they just, they, they lobby government to get lower regulations. They do all this stuff and then they create these terrible toxic places and then they fix them by sending you know trucks to go do this and then again you know a train is dangerous with this chemicals right but then a truck is even less safe than moving it with a thousand percent this story's from the guardian fbi arrest guardsman who applied for job on rentahitman.com rentahitman.com somebody's like now this is a legitimate website finally you know i have to go and cancel my account at rentahooker.com here i thought oh what what do you mean rentahitman.com was a troll operation for

the fbi what what website.com isn't real what are you saying i can't that is a head scratcher this this would only catch cecil the dumbest possible hitman dumbest dumbest dumbest possible hitman. The very dumbest, dumbest, dumbest person. The dumbest fucking possible hitman. And this guy that applied is like the fucking worst. It felt like they gave him. So what happened was he applies and then they were like, are you sure? And he's like, you bet I'm sure. And he replied to several emails. It feels like they kind of gave him a lot of opportunities to be like, are you just joshing us, sir?

Like, nope, I'd really like to shoot people in the face. Yeah. Check, please. It's a little worse than that, I think, because as I understood the story, like he applied at this fucking website, and then when he didn't hear back, he was like, hey, didn't you guys get my murder resume? He was like pro hey, didn't you guys get my murder resume? Yeah. He was like proactively following up. Like he like went to like a fucking headhunter and was like, oh, I thought you guys actually killed people.

Oh, man. And then like, so they finally figure out like this guy when they're like, all right, he's really persistent about wanting a hitman job because he keeps, we are not getting back to him about this fake murdering job. And he's like, Hey, I would be really good at killing people. It's like a job you could apply for. Like, what do you think, man? I'm blown away but i will say there's kind of like a dark side to this in a way like we're laughing about it but you know our this guy's a uh part of the you know the national national guard right so he's part of a group of people you know we train a lot of people to murder people uh-huh you know like yeah we train like people. We're a country that trains a ton of people to go murder people.

And then we were like, okay, you're done with that now. Yeah. Go be normal. All right. Anyway, here's your college or whatever. Well, he almost says as much in his many, many, hey, you should hire me. Which is why I'm talking about it. Because he's basically saying, they taught me, so I might as well use it. Yeah. He's like,

Hey, you know what? I found out what I was good at. And I guess I don't really have any way to use those skills because you know, one thing that the military doesn't do very well is they teach, they, they, they get these young people, these really, really young people in and they teach them how to do military stuff, which, okay, fine. Like if we're going to have a military, we got to teach them how to go military. Right. Fine. But there should also be some kind of like really meaningful, um, transitional period. And I don't mean, I don't mean three months. I mean like a full year of like real vocational training for them to enter the real world. So if I do four years of service in the military,

year four through five should be the military then gives me training that I can use to be a mechanic or that I can use to be, not just like I hope I get a good job in the military that translates. Because a lot of the jobs that you get in the military don't translate into the civilian sector in ways that these guys are like really marketable for. So we really should be like, all right, cool. Thanks for your service in exchange. Not only will we pay for your college, but we will also

give you this like transitional period with these different resources. Cause otherwise this guy's like, however, it turns out I'm really good at killing people. I'm really good. I'm a great shot. I like shooting stuff. And then there, but I will say he's also a total psycho yeah because they asked him would you torture people and he's like yeah i'll torture people and then like would you get souvenir body parts and he's like sure why not do you want me to take pictures of the corpse you want to fuck it in the eye what do you want me to do and then the job they give him is like five grand to kill somebody and he's like sold yeah i'll kill someone for five thousand bucks five grand lord dude i got a 401k and a list here's the other thing that i think that they should do too is like once they once

they get them to where they're going to be like releasing people back into the wild yeah they should take that year to be like okay not only are we training you but in the evenings we want you to take care of puppies and kittens yeah man you know like get a little like get them back to where they're just not in that situation that situational mindset anymore where they're not like in those you know where there can just be like a decompression zone or something it feels like we're we're just like well we tuned you up anyway see you later well we're done with you go back to your family and you're just like i saw some shit you know where it's really easy to get guns. Yeah, right.

Go back home to your wife. What? Is that guy's eye twitching? Don't worry about it. No, no, it's fine. A lot of them do that. He's fine. It's fine. Okay, there's almost no story here, but I love it anyway.

Just for the headline. Teen is from Alabama Life and Culture, which also amused me because this does feel like the only cultural event in all of Alabama this year, team 13 gets stuck in claw machine at North Carolina theme park band for a year. And guys, there is a picture. We can't show it.

Cause our, our things busted, but yeah, but there is a picture of a full blown 13 year old kid. Like that's like a full on teenager. A hundred percent. Like he's probably got away. A hundred and 35 pounds. Yeah. He's like a real size person. Like a full on teenager. He's 100%. He's probably got to weigh 135 pounds.

He's like a real size person. Like a full size human. And he is just sitting in the claw machine like, well, I didn't really think this through. Two things I hope happen. One, I hope when the police and the fire department open it up, they open it up and then they take something else out and shut him back in. I hope that the only way the fire department can rescue him is by getting him with the claw machine. I also hope that he crawled in there hoping to get out of Alabama.

Like he jumps in there thinking someone's going to take me home. That's somebody else is going to take me home. Not home Alabama. And they could even write like the person's name on my foot or whatever, like that toy story, Woody or whatever. Cecil, if you were a kid and you were at the carnival or wherever this is, and you saw somebody,

some person sitting in the club, that would try to get pulled. I would be all I do with my money, their hair for an hour. I would spend all the money. I would, I would go steal money from other people. There'd be no amount of not doing that.

Put the thing over their head and be like, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk. You have to. I would 100% do it. It's all I would do. I couldn't stop. My retirement plan would be fucking with this kid in the claw machine. I wouldn't stop. It would be the best. Absolutely.

Black Bear breaks into vehicle, guzzles 69 cans of pop. And I want to say, that's soda. Thank you very much. You know, what's funny about this, he drinks all this soda, and then they show it, how much it is on the side, and then they show that he broke into the car to drink it, right? Right.

And then they show this picture. Now, I can't show you this picture because, again, my screen is busted, but just go to the site and look at this. Here's the thing. I've been in dirtier... I've been in dirtier Ubers than this guy.

Are you kidding me? Like, it barely looks like he was even... It looked like he kind of cleaned up after himself. He took all the cans outside and drank them. I have so many questions about this. Also, I like that he stopped when he got to the cans outside and drank them i have so many questions about this also i like

that he stopped when he got to the diet soda yeah like he's like this fucking bear the bear was drinking he was chugging through it he's like because soda is a fucking calorie bomb dude you know it'd be amazing if you're a bear you're just like give me that yeah it's essentially like if you're a bear you're like wait a minute. These are cans of honey and nothing is stinging my face right now. This is amazing. All I have to do is bite through this thing, which is essentially nothing. And then I get honey, but the bear drinks 69 cans of soda, not pop 69 cans of soda stops when it gets to the diet. Cause diet soda is gross. So I don't blame him like diet. I'm right there with you, Bear. I'm right there with you. Straight up diet.

Now drink the Zero. I'm curious if you would have been fooled by the Zero. You know? If there was a Coke Zero, what would you have kept drinking? You don't drink Diet Coke. I prefer Zeros.

Yeah. I like Zeros too. I like the Zeros. The Zeros are good. Dr. Pepper Zero is outstanding. Dr. Pepper is terrible. So is Dr. Pepper Zero good? Oh, I like Dr. Pepper.

I like Dr. Pepper. I was like, wow, what did they do to it? It tastes really good. I like it. I like Dr. Pepper is terrible. So is Dr. Pepper Zero good? Oh, I like Dr. Pepper. I like Dr. Pepper. I was like, wow, what did they do to it? It tastes really good. I like it. I like Dr. Pepper. The A&W Zero is very good. I got to try that. A&W Zero is dope.

Tastes just like a root beer. Okay. Just like a root beer. Outstanding. One other question. How often in your car do you have like 70 some it's a lot of fucking sodas in your car it's a lot of what is happening that you just like went out and bought like six cases of soda and you were like i'll bring that in tomorrow so in my closet downstairs my closet my pantry

downstairs i went to the store recently and i bought seltzers because i like seltzers i like i like flavored seltzers but they're starting to get a little crazy with them now. Okay. They're like, like three flavor seltzers. No, they're like, Oh, we did, you know, not only did we do this, but then we did this other, and then we did another thing and now it tastes like lemon pledge. And you're like, I don't like any of that. That doesn't taste good now at all. But I got a couple that were like, we're going to do a cherry lime or something. And it doesn't taste good now at all. But I got a couple that were like, we're going to do a cherry lime or something. And it doesn't taste good at all. And then the other one was something like a Mandarin mint or something or

something like that. And then again, bad, like just bad. I feel like seltzer can carry one. I tried two of them and I was like, Oh man, I made a huge mistake.

And now I just have, I have, I have, I have 22 seltzers downstairs. Cause I bought two 12-packs, drank one a piece, and I don't have any bears up here at all. I was going to say,

you just need one. You need a little baby bear. But the thing is, he would drink it at one and he'd be like, fuck that. No, I'm good. Ain't nothing in there.

That's zero calories. Can you imagine the belching? Oh, man. Can you imagine the farting? You've got a bear. The bear's just flying by. It's like a bumblebee. All right, so this story comes from USA Today.

And I just love this story. This story, I just find it really heartening. Michigan man searches for answers after dolls take over his mailbox. We've decided to live here. So this guy has a custom mailbox and it kind of looks like a house, not a hundred percent like traditional house, but it looks like windows. It's got windows on it and the front has windows on it.

And it's, and it's does kind of look like a house. It looks, you know, it looks like somebody tried to make a cute little mailbox. like a house. It looks, you know, it looks like somebody tried to make a cute little mailbox. Right. So somebody in the middle of the night goes out to this guy's mailbox and puts like dolls in there with a little note that says we've decided to live here. And so the guy is like trying to figure out where these fucking dolls come from. He can't figure out where the dolls

came from. And then the like diorama gets more elaborate well at first he's thinking do i just throw him away and then he thinks no i mean there's plenty of space for the mailman to put the stuff in here it's not like it's taking up my whole mailbox and it looks cute in there so i'll put them back where they did and they left them in the far back right and they they're sitting on a couch with like a plant and a tree it's like a it's like a whole dollhouse thing. And then, so they're like, once he decides not to do it, they're like, oh, well, let's bring a bunch of other dolls.

So they keep changing them out as the seasons change. And they change the furniture and the furniture's gotten more elaborate. And like, this guy has not figured out who is doing it. He has no idea. He has no idea.

This is why. Who is doing it? It's probably his wife. Wouldn't that be awesome? That would be awesome. I think it's great. I hope it is. Cecil, I fucking hope that's his wife. I hope it's true. I hope it probably his wife wouldn't that be awesome that'd be awesome i think it's great i hope it is cecil i fucking hope that i hope it's true i hope it's true i hope it's now you know what i want more than anything more than anything yeah that would be that's it that's a

movie are you kidding me it's amazing i love that it's amazing that's great but it's so cute and they can like during halloween they put them in little outfits for halloween it's so great during christmas they made little presents and set them in there. And there's a little tree and every seat, every once in a while, he'll just go out to his mailbox and they will have changed out the scenery inside his mailbox. It's unbelievable.

I think it's so adorable. Now, when I was a kid, we used to do kind of like random shit, something like this before. And I remember one time we took an egg and we went to this person's yard. So somebody had, you know how they have those,

those concrete geese families and then they like dress them up and whatever. We came in the middle of the night to this person's yard and we arranged all the concrete geese around one egg. We set the egg down and we arranged all this stuff around one year or two. Like we went to the dollar store and when we went to the dollar store, we just happened to come across a bunch, like a dollar a piece, blow up giraffes that were like three foot tall. I remember seeing these. Blow up giraffes. These are big fucking giraffes that were like three feet tall. I remember seeing these. Blow up giraffes. These are big fucking giraffes.

And so we bought an entire box, all the three people who were there, we just all pitched our money in and we bought like 47 giraffes. They were all the blow up. And so we went to, we would go to like places. There was like a place up in Naperville,

which is a suburb of Chicago. And we would go there because like everybody would go to like places. There was like a place up in Naperville, which is a suburb of Chicago. And we would go there. Cause like everybody would go to this one little area to walk around. They called it the river walk. And so like when you were under drinking age and after high school or high school driving, you would go to this place to sort of meet people. It's like, like what young, what older are, what older people did to go to the mall like i was like one generation after that right you didn't go meet people at the mall you went to this other place this was the other place that we went to and uh so we would go there and we would blow these up and then like put them in like the we would set them inside like the the greenery there so like you'd put them in a bush or you put them all in a tree or you'd put them all over. And then you see girls

walking around with them because their boyfriends grabbed them out of the tree or whatever. Yeah, right. And then, you know, but we used to do that all the time. Like you do like these little random

sort of things that don't hurt anybody. Like rearranging the letters on signs. Exactly. And I just think like there's a fun energy to that. Yes. And like,

as long as you're not hurting anybody, it's cool. You know what I mean? It's a fun thing to do. It's not like, as long as you're not hurting anybody, it's cool. You know what it is? It's a fun thing to do. It's not vandalism. It's not vandalism. It's not hurting anybody. It's not ruining property. What you're doing is just making something a little strange,

but also a little whimsical, whimsical for someone. And I think that that's our, there's a lot of value in that. How much would it make your fucking day? When you, if you had like the dollhouse mailbox and you didn't, and you just went outside and just like, it was random and it was changed.

You'd be like, you would call your wife and be like, they changed his dollhouse today. He's clearly taken pictures of every single time. He loves it. He's taken pictures every single time they've done it because he's got pictures of each one of these sets. It's not like they came out for this news story.

Every time he's changed, he took these pictures. each one of these sets. It's not like they came out for this news story every time he's changed. He took these pictures. He was excited about it. This would make your whole week. I think this is really cool. I think this is a cool thing. It's adorable. I imagine, though, he'll probably get arrested. Whoever's doing it is going to get arrested by the post office for fucking with the mail.

Yeah, so. Maybe. Newman would do it. Newman would do it. Newman would do it. No, he wouldn't. He'd leave a wrapper in there. He's too fucking lazy. There's a great Seinfeld where he's just not delivering the mail anymore.

Yes, I saw that one. So he's just, just, no, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done. It's like you with a shopper when you were a kid. All right. Thanks, everybody, for joining us. We'll be back with a regular episode this upcoming week.

We'll see what Clarence Thomas does with more. Yeah. Yeah. How much more corrupt you can get with a serious show though. It'll be serious on Monday. We want to thank everybody for joining us. We'll catch you next time. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics.

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