Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 700: Just Right

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Show Notes    

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The explicit tag is there for a reason. Tom, I'm going to do this one. Can I do this one? You can do this one, Cecil. Yes. Recording live from Gloriful Studios in Chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode, we blast anyone who gets in our way.

We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's a skeptical, political, atheist, and 700. It is 700? This is episode 700. God damn! This is 700.

We crunched through episodes. I planned it out so that this one is episode 700. Then we knew which one it was. Because I didn't want to just like record a bunch ahead of time. Yeah. And then be like, oh, I don't know what one it is. Holy shit, 700.

Dude, we've been doing this a minute. It's been doing a long time, 15 years. And here's what I wanted to say to start out the episode. You know, what I want 700 to be a reflection of, and what I want, you know, all the episodes we do is a reflection of our friendship because genuinely for 15 years, we've gotten together. We've had conversations that mattered to us, that were important to us with someone who was important to us. Yeah. And I want people to listen to this and reflect on this for a minute and think, you know, think about your friends in your life.

Think about who's close to you and maybe take a minute just to send that person like a message and be like, hey, I'm happier, my friend, or thank you for being my friend or whatever it is. Yeah. Because 700 episodes,

this wasn't done. We, you know, this isn't a business for us. No. You know what I mean? Like this isn't our like, this isn't our life. We both have day jobs. We both do other things. We don't feed ourselves. We do this because we, we love it and we love each other. And I think like, like the, the friendship that we've had, we had this tight friendship for years before we started doing this and we've kept it for years doing it. And so I want people to

hear that and realize like, like this, this whole show, it has been 15 years of two friends talking. Yeah. And so take a minute, whatever you're doing and send someone who you're friends with a text to say, you appreciate them. This could be the one time that maybe you could just reach out to them and just say, hey. I think that's a beautiful idea. You know what I mean? I think that's a beautiful idea.

Like we've talked about like this show, this show and this friendship, like I think it's made me a better version of myself than I would have been if we didn't do this. Me too. I think having this friendship and meeting with you every Thursday night and talking through things and growing together, like if I didn't have that to do with you,

I would not be where I'm at. I wouldn't be the person I am. Yeah. I really wouldn't. I think the same thing. I agree. I think the same thing. Like, I think like we've, we like, I like, it's that like magical thing.

I think genuinely where two people help elevate each other. Sure. And like, I think I, I, I like to think that it's, I like to think that we're both better because we're together. Yeah. Like truly just as people, as just human beings in the world. I know I am. So like, I think about, and I think about that all the time. I really do. I never lose sight of that. Yeah. And I think like one of the best parts of this is, is being able to have conversations where you can bounce your morality off your friend and then realize sometimes where you're lacking. Yeah. And, and there's been times in our history where, where I've been lacking and I recognize it now. And I think like you're always, if you're not always striving to be a better person, then what the fuck are you doing?

You know, like, I mean, I think like, like if you know, if you learn anything from the show, you should always strive to be a better person. Constantly strive. That should be your job. That should be the work of your life. That should be,

that should be the one thing that when you get done with all this, that you look back and say, I tried every day to be a better person. And the best way to do that is to, to constantly challenge yourself. And this show is challenging. It's challenging all the time. The listeners challenge us, the, you know, the, the medium challenge challenges us. We challenge each other and that's how you grow. And I think like, it's been a good, it's been a really awesome experience, but 700 episodes is today. And I wanted to start the episode specifically to say it's 700

episodes. Goddamn. That's a long time. That's a lot of episodes, my friend. God, this new format, Shoes Through. I know we were supposed to do it next year or whatever, but it's like, nah, fuck that. We got to do something when we hit 1,000. Because we will be still doing this when we hit 1,000.

That's like two and a half years. I know. If we're going at this pace, it's no time. Why wouldn't we hit a thousand? We got to do it. And a thousand, it's the blowout of a lifetime. A thousand is live from Tahiti. Yeah, brother.

Grass skirt episode. We save all our money between now and then. Live from Tahiti. I'm going to wear, live from Tahiti and I'm going to wear, live from Tahiti, and I'm going to wear the coconut titty bra. I'm going to have the coconut titties. Oh, that's... Yeah.

I'm going to have the coconut boobs. All right. So it's a goofball show I love. Which is perfect for 700. I love it for 700. It's perfect. It's perfect. Fuckin' A, dude.

Yeah. Wish I had a drink. I would cheers you, buddy. I would cheers you. I got nothing I had a drink. I would cheers you, buddy. I would cheers you. I got nothing over here. Cheers. I got nothing. All right.

This is from ABC7 Iowa Witness News. Bear hangs from second floor window, claims it home, and then eats family's pork chops. Man, this bear is my fucking spirit animal. I fucking love this bear. Breaking and entering and eating someone's pork chops. That is, that's the perfect crime. Can you imagine coming home and you're like, all right, man, who fucking ate my pork chops? Oh man. I wonder if I, Tom, I wonder if it left the one that was too cold and too hot.

There were already two bears in there and he's like, all right, I'll take a nap in one of the beds. The other ones are all undone. It just only shows one of the beds to all right, I'll take a nap in one of the beds. The other ones are all undone until slowly chose one of the beds to sleep in. I'll take that one. That's the one. Dude, I like when, when we were growing up and we were watching like all those PSAs, like, you know, like, and like, they taught me to be afraid of a lot of things. Quicksand did not come in handy i know how to get out no kidding right there's so many quicksand things i know i get out of power lines i've never seen one but i know i'm not allowed to touch it down power lines yeah snakes get out of the pool when there's

lightning and lightning right yeah don't go swimming before you eat i don't know if that's true or not but i check your halloween candy yeah check it a. A lot of urban legends get mixed up in those PSAs. At no point did I know I needed to be worried about the integrity of my pork chops as it relates to bear burglars. I've heard of cat burglars. But a bear burglar? I wonder, I wonder like,

did they get the big thick pork chops? Because those are fucking money. Those are just money. I hope not. I hope the bear got in there and just Because those are fucking money. Those are just money. I hope not. I hope the bear got in there and just ate those shitty, skinny ones. So I grew up, my mom was an amazing baker, but she was an amazing cook. And I don't know that she wasn't an amazing cook, but what she did cook for was for my dad. Yeah.

And so your dad cooked for your dad. My dad cooked for my dad. Exactly. And so you ate your dad's taste every day. Every day was your dad cooked for your dad. My dad cooked for my dad. Exactly. And so like you ate your dad's taste every day. Every day was your dad's taste. It was box macaroni and cheese and stovetop stuffing and whatever. My mom cooked for my dad. Yeah.

And my dad didn't have a palate. So he smoked for every second of his life until he was like in his 70s. Right. So he's a three pack a day smoker. So what he smoked, what he tasted was nothing. Most of the time, things weren't salted. They weren't seasoned. And then they weren't, there just was like, my mom would cook things until they were absolutely, there wasn't a chance that any living tissue was left. So mom would just, mom would just cook stuff because they grew up with pigs eating garbage.

Yeah, trichinosis was a problem. So trichinosis is a problem. You got to bring it up to 165 to kill trichinosis. If not, then you get fucking trichinosis, which will fuck you up. So you shouldn't do that. So instead, what they did was they cooked this thing until it was a fucking an absolute puck.

So I grew up hating pork. Hated pork. Same and for the same reason. My mom would make pork and I'd be like, I'm not eating it. I remember I used to give so many meals and I ate my first pork chop, tried a pork chop at a restaurant when after I had gotten out of,

you know, my house. And I was like, what is this fucking magical creature that you put in front of me? Are we having unicorns? This is the fucking greatest piece of meat I've ever eaten. And it's like, because, oh, they just paid attention to it and they didn't overcook it. And that's it.

And that's all it took to make it into like a fucking, like that choir of angels come down to the table. And it's a thick enough piece that you can cook it properly. Like my dad was the king of buying these thin, thin little pork chops. And then he would put them on a cookie sheet. He'd put them on like

the cookie sheet with like aluminum foil. And then he would always sprinkle, the only thing ever you, nature seasons from Morton's. Okay. Nature seasons. So he'd put nature seasons on it.

Then he would bake them for about six weeks. Jesus Christ. And then they would come out. He'd put them in in the morning and come out. It's like a slow cooker. And they were like curled. They would curl, you know?

So they would curl up and then he served it. He'd put like yellow mustard on the table. Jesus, what the fuck? And so you would like scorch yellow mustard. What the sweet fuck was happening in your life? And dip your shoe leather into the yellow mustard. And that's what pork chops were my whole life. Same thing.

I thought they were terrible. If there were leftovers, my dad would slice the leftovers into bits and they throw them at you. They were too hard. He wasn't that mean, but then he would mix them with barbecue sauce and then you just splurge that on a plate. You'd have barbecue.

So like if you had leftover pork, it was then barbecue. To be honest, I would at least hydrate it a little. It was the better. I always liked day two better than day one. So, so fucking same thing. I didn't have a pork chop at a restaurant until you told me to have a pork chop at a restaurant. And I was like, why would I race a perfectly wonderful restaurant experience? Seriously, with a pork chop, that's a crazy

person thing to do. Oh my God. Once you have a good pork chop, it's amazing. I would climb through a second story window. Real quick. If you do get, if you, if anybody ever happens to accidentally buy the little ones, what you do is you flatten them, right?

So get a meat tenderizer, you flatten them and then three stage bread them and make wienerschnitzel. That's a smart way to do it. It's not wienerschnitzel because wienerschnitzel is actually veal, but, but you know what I mean? Like you make, you make pork schnitzel. That's a smart way to do it. So it's not wienerschnitzel because wienerschnitzel is actually veal, but you know what I mean. Right. You make pork schnitzel with it. And that's a great, because it cooks so

quickly. The moment it's brown, you flip it over and then it's brown. And then the pork doesn't overcook. Right. The pork didn't get an opportunity to overcook. And you're cooking it in fats anyway, so that kind of also moistens it a little. That helps. And then you just serve that up and that's an also moistens it a little. It helps. And so, and then you just, you, you

serve that up and that's an excellent way to make like thin pork. It's a good, but if you have a thick pork chop, I mean, brine that thing. Literally yesterday, I went grocery shopping literally yesterday, Cecil, and I bought a whole pork loin and I brought it home and I cleaned it and I cut it into pork chops and roasts. Perfect. Like when you can find that $3 a pound. Yeah. For a fucking whole tender, for a whole pork. It's awesome. Yeah.

It's awesome. Yeah. And then you butcher it yourself. Yeah. Perfect. Take it home. And I got a beef loin the same time. You gotta come home.

There's going to be bears in your house. Yeah, I know. There's going to be goddamn bears. I don't know. If this happened to me, I don't know if I could bear it. Hibachi Benihana Teriyaki. This story is so odd. I got to read the whole story. I could not figure this story out.

This story can't figure itself out. This story is like a weird poisoning. Yeah, this is unpleasant to hear. It is. And then the ending of it, this is just alright, unemployed man dressed as chef was in the kitchen when seven patrons were drugged at restaurant, according to report.

That headline is actually kind of important because it's written really accurately. And then let me let me read the story. So you know what I mean? This happened in Escambia County, Florida. Florida. Really? Yeah. Shock. The same night, seven people were hospitalized for unknowingly consuming narcotics. Yeah, shock. The same night, seven people were hospitalized for unknowingly consuming narcotics. A man dressed as a hibachi chef walked in and out of the kitchen at Nico Japanese Steakhouse in Florida approximately three times before being told by the manager to leave the restaurant because he was not an employee. Why was he in an outfit? He had a hibachi chef outfit. Did he have his own outfit?

How do you just have a hibachi outfit? Did I miss that one at Spirit Halloween? Is there just some... Is there a sexy hibachi outfit? Is there a sexy one? Sexy hibachi chef. Come on. Sexy hibachi outfit?

Instead of doing the onions like with the flame out of them to make the volcano, you're doing like a boob or something like out of the... Like, hey, it's hibachi. I don't know. i just flip it around butt plugs and catching them in your head catching them somewhere else too the santa rosa county

sheriff's office said even people went to the no because this is a typo that's funny say it's a typo say read the typo tom okay the santa rosa santa rosa county sheriff's office said even people went to the hospital. That's how it's written. It should say seven people. What they wrote said, even people went to the hospital on June 9th after unknowingly consuming methamphetamine

while dining at Nikko Japanese Steakhouse. So they ate meth, but then it gets weirder. The seven people told deputies they were seated at a hibachi station closest to the sushi station. Two people told deputies they were seated at a hibachi station closest to the sushi station. Two people told deputies it started to feel weird after consuming the food. One said she went to the bathroom to throw up. The other said he felt like he was going to vomit on the way home.

It's in the soy sauce. This guy puts meth. Well, but that's actually not right. Let me read the rest of the story because there is more. Let me read the rest of the story. It's not right. According to a report, the two people claimed they were up until 4 30 in the morning talking with their children who they said also ate at the restaurant they were up until

4 30 that has to be a great conversation i went to the box restaurant i don't think i'm feeling so good and i don't know what's going on i feel so good i feel so good how do you feel do you feel good i feel what time wait maybe you should work out i should work out some more you know i got some ideas. I should write these ideas down. Why do I feel like this? I should get hibachi more often. Maybe I shouldn't eat hibachi at all.

And the kid is just screaming. Jesus Christ, man. You poison. I mean, this is poisoning someone with a drug that they had no idea that they took, man. When you get food at a restaurant, you have to indicate how much chili pee you want in there. Jesus Christ, man. All right. They said they could not fall asleep.

They were feeling weird. So they went to CVS to get a test kit and they felt like they were being drugged. What? Is there a test kit at CVS? You can get test kits for all kinds of crazy shit now at CVS. You can get like all kinds of drug kits. You can get meth kits? I don't know if it's meth,

but you can get all kinds of crazy. You can get like cocaine and other stuff. No shit. Yeah. I could get a cocaine test to see if I'm on cocaine. You could go see

if you're on cocaine. That's insanity. Yeah. CVS has all kinds. There's paternity kits at CVS now. No kidding. There's paternity kits.

Do you have to like poke the kid or something? I don't know. I don't know. You gotta, I don't know. I never got one. Squeeze a piece out of them. Oh,

oh, school was too hard. I schooled it right off. When I was, when I was, I was working at a plumbing supply house and they had drivers of trucks and they had guys who drove on the forklifts. And I remember two guys while I was working there,

and I had not worked there for an extensively long time, maybe a year and a half, two guys while I was working there pissed hot and had to get fired. One of them was for Coke, one of them was for pot. But like one of the guys was driving a truck, bounced into a car while he was driving a truck. And he comes back and he's talking to us in the warehouse. He's like, yeah, I'm was driving a truck. And he comes back

and he's talking to us in the warehouse. He's like, yeah, I'm going to get fired. And we said, why? He said, well, I did coke this week. And sure as shit, the next day they're like, yeah, man, you literally can never work here ever again. In fact, we may fire you and then report you to the authorities. And the other guy's

driving around, you know, pot. The problem with pot is it lasts in your system for so long. Oh yeah. But the other guy, I don't think he was high while he was working, but he, I'm sure neither one of them were high. He had pot in his system.

The guy who did coke the night before or whatever. Yeah. I'm sure he wasn't so high. Yeah. Shit doesn't last for very long. But that, uh, the guy who was smoking pot,

I don't think he smoked pot at work. He just, he just happened to have it in his system, but that was enough to let people go. Yeah. Right. Cause, cause when you're poor, they find any reason that they can to make sure. Did you ever get drug tested for jobs? Yeah. I got this job. I had to drug test into that job, that plumbing job. I have never been drug tested. Yeah. One time I had a drug test and I was actually worried about it because I didn't, I had quit smoking pot like years ago and, but I was around enough people that smoked it that I was worried that

maybe there would be some contact stuff that happened. I didn't know. And I was actually worried. I was like, fuck, I hope I didn't screw this up because it was a job that was paying like three times as much as my other job. And I was like, I need this money. Yeah, right. And, and it was, it, it, I, I passed. So it was fine. But I only had that in one job. Only had to pee in a cup one time. I've never been drug tested.

It's funny. If my industry, if we all got drug tested, like 60% of us would all fail. Like for sure. Like it's just true. Well, they do a wrench in their, in their plans for when you're, wrench in their plans for when you're now legalized cannabis in Illinois. I think there are some companies that can still fire you. Yeah, the federal law still allows you to be fired for it. So companies can still do it.

Yeah, companies can still fire you because like, you know, I don't know why, but they still have these weird rules in place where like you're not allowed to do it even in the off hours. But even if they didn't have just the cannabis rule, 45% of my industry, it's still good. Like at least like it's a fucking,

it's a lot of Coke. There's a lot of Coke. A lot of Coke. Yeah. I hate Coke by the way. Have you done Coke? No, never.

It is the, okay. I did Cocoa Puffs when I was a kid, which is, that sounds funny. Oh, I thought, cause you said you were a kid. It's pot and Coke. Oh, oh, gotcha. Yeah. So it's like, it's like when they mix the things together, they,

I thought it was a thing in like the late, in like the nineties where they would be like, Hey, let's mix this together. It happens. And now everybody's a purist and they're like, I just do coke. I don't do anything else. I've tried coke a couple of times with a friend of mine and it is, it tastes so bad. Does it? Like for me, it's because it drips the drip. Well, it's, it's intensely bitter. It's just like wildly intensely bitter. And then it numbs everything like, like Ambasol does. Like you ever have like a toothache and use Ambasol. Yeah. And like, I find that really unpleasant. I don't use Ambasol, I use cocaine. But yeah, it's way better. Same thing. So then like, everything's like fucking numb, which I find unpleasant.

And then, yeah, you get like a gross, bitter, nasty drip. And then like the effect of it is so milquetoast. Like it's so bland. It's like, it's like maybe an extra cup of coffee. You know what I mean? You do all that for a cup of coffee? That's what I mean. I already drink bitter stuff for a cup of coffee.

I don't get it. Like my buddy is like, he, he like, he thinks it's great. And I'm just like, Oh God, this is like,

Oh, it's so bad. And I'm just like, I'm like, I'm not excited by this experience whatsoever. The best experience drug wise I ever had was when I did mushrooms and I only did mushrooms one time, but we bought mushrooms and then we split them

amongst us. And you have to, you have to eat them somehow. And now some people make tea, other people do other things. They put them in foods or other stuff, but these are the grossest thing in the world to chew on. They are disgusting, genuinely the grossest shit ever. And I think they actually grow in shit. So they're disgusting and nasty. And they taste so fucking bad. So, and they say, I don't know if it's an urban legend, but they would say like acid,

when you did acid to drink juice, orange juice, because it helps like intensify it or whatever. So we drank juice afterwards. Not only do you have to, this tasted like you brushed your teeth with a cow turd and then you drank orange juice after it didn't help it made it worse because orange juice is a really powerful thing on its own that changes

the flavor profile of your tongue it hurts it's awful you don't ever drink orange juice orange juice is its own thing and should be consumed on its own period yes maybe with a pancake nearby man there's very few things that go well with orange juice, you know? And so we did that, but I had, it was a three hour and I guess it's a trip or whatever. It was so great. I just had such a good feeling in my body, just a good body feeling. We got out of the car and we were walking in like a, like a big park. It was like a park with like a forest preserve and stuff. And we were just like, I was like laying on the grass and just loving life. It was just beautiful. It was a beautiful feeling. And I was just having a conversation

with a friend of mine and we were just talking and I just had a great time doing these mushrooms. Um, it was one of the best experiences on drugs. I think I can remember. Um, and you know, some of my acid stuff was very good too, but the, the, the mushrooms, the best, it was the best, but I've also done a bunch of bad drugs in my life too, that have been very unpleasant. I've done very few drugs. I did, I did Coke a couple of times with my buddy thought it was intensely underwhelming and uninteresting and tasted bad. And I was like, no, that's not for me. Ecstasy is an 11 out of 10.

Yeah. Like I just thought it was just like, it was so intensely wonderful. Like it is named very well. You only got to be careful with that. You only do it once in a while, right? Yeah. Like you could do it like once maybe every year to really get a good high quality effect from it.

And that is a little like, because I will admit like I, we did ecstasy and had this like just outstandingly wonderful time. Ecstasy feels like, you know, like when you're first falling in love with somebody and your just brain is on fire with all those like chemicals that are just hitting and popping in this heart. It feels like that, like magnified, but it's the same feeling. It's just this intense, loving, wonderful feeling. It's a, it's a really bonding, awesome feeling. I got a big, and like, so when it was over, it's like, man, I would do that again. You know, like immediately I'm like, I would do that again. But I'm like, but you don't do that for at least six to 12 months.

Wow. Because you got to, you want to let like everything kind of rebuild and, and regrow in your brain because it kind of dumps all that stuff out of there. So you have to like chill on that stuff. So awesome. I had a great time. I would totally want it. I want to do mushrooms.

I've never tried any of the psychedelics. It was my young brain. I wouldn't do it now. I wouldn't. You would not. I would not do it now. I'm curious. I didn't try it because my young brain, my young brain enjoyed cannabis. Right. But when I did cannabis a couple of years ago, I had a panic attack. Right. And so I'm like, no, I'm good. I think my older brain is like, not that's,

that's enough of that. We're not doing that anymore. And so I don't do any drugs anymore. Right. But when I was younger do any drugs anymore. Right. But when I was younger, when I was a young, when I was a young, young man, I did a lot of drugs. Right. And then once I, you know,

and then I, you know, did once in a while and then I just stopped completely. But my younger brain enjoyed it. So I have no idea what it feels like as a- As an adult. As an adult to take mushrooms. I only know what it feels like

as a young man to take it. And I enjoyed it. And I would not endorse it for anyone else. I mean, have your own, make your own decisions. I mean, I would not endorse it for anyone. But if you want some meth, I guess you can go get some. We're talking about meth. Yeah. I've never done meth myself. I've never done meth. Meth is not my thing. All right. So, so the family of four then took themselves to the hospital and told deputies, they eventually saw the three others that sat at the hibachi table arrive. They all tested and the test

came back positive for methamphetamine. But here's where it gets really squirreling. The sheriff's office said the family also had leftovers from the restaurant and those tested positive for methamphetamine. And one of the three people who showed up at the hospital later spoke with deputies and said the chef was using two different soy sauce bottles, one

of which he said contained soy sauce thicker than the other. The same man told deputies that one of the women at the table asked the chef about the soy sauce but ignored her. What's that?

One of them could have been a different sauce, like a hoisin sauce or something. You know what I mean? They're just guessing. So you don't know if they're both soy sauce. Maybe they aren't both soy sauce.

Why would you have and use two different soy sauces? Maybe they're not two soy sauces. On the day following the incident, deputies went to the restaurant and spoke to the manager and the owner was contacteduties went to the restaurant and spoke to the manager, and the owner was contacted and drove to the restaurant with the deputies. The manager provided deputies the names of all the people working there,

but once the deputies told the manager where the seven people were sitting, she told him that the table he described by the sushi bar was not in use that night. The manager then told the deputies that a man dressed as a hibachi chef was in their kitchen saying he was recently hired, and the manager told deputies the man man dressed as a hibachi chef was in their kitchen saying he was recently hired and the manager told deputies the man was asked to leave but according to a report she claimed the man stayed in the parking lot for a few hours waiting for someone to pick him up wait hold on now was he in the correct uniform he was in a hibachi uniform but it wasn't your hibachi because i mean thank you were you a visiting hibachi show?

I'm on the hibachi exchange program. Someone's in a white one and someone's in a dark one. You got to play on the hibachi to see who wins. Yes. You got to have a hibachi off. Oh, yeah. There should be hibachi off. There should be.

You should be able to go. There probably is. I bet you there is. We got to go. Because they have bartending. They have bartending competitions. They do. They got to have a hibachi off. They got to have a bocce competition. There's got to be one somewhere.

That's probably on like ESPN 9. Oh, man. God, all the good stuff. ESPN 8, the old show. All right. So then it says a search warrant was conducted at the business where investigators tested multiple soy sauce bottles. Two of the soy sauce bottles tested presumptive

positive for meth. Soy sauce packets used in to-go orders were also tested, and those came back positive in the soy sauce to-go packets. And then based on the results of the soy sauce packets, detectives were like, hey, we think this is all bullshit. Maybe soy sauce just colors it in the same way. Right. So then they're like, all right, none of that. I guess this doesn't work and our test is bad. Other items in the kitchen were tested but returned negatives.

No evidence was taken. The manager said that the man allegedly, who allegedly quit, was also contacted by the sheriff's office. I thought he didn't work there. I thought he didn't work there either, but I guess he also

didn't work there and quit. Visiting the chef who quit. And then she said that she told deputies that the man was always moving fast and would talk to himself. She also claimed the man talked about being on medicine and would get mad when people brought it up. The sheriff's office interviewed employees and said they, and none of them said they put any substances in the food.

And this is my favorite part. This whole article, the sheriff's office said due to the lack of eyewitness observance and surveillance footage, they're unable to determine if any person associated with the restaurant contaminated the food consumed by the patrons. The case has been closed. No criminal charges will be pursued. All of that for just like fucking, I don't know, man, maybe there was meth in the soy sauce. Maybe there wasn't. Okay, Tom, put yourself in this position. You're fucking screaming high on meth and your kids are high on meth. Right. And you go to the hospital and you run into the same couple

you ran into at the hibachi thing earlier. It would feel so surreal. You'd be like, okay, there's cameras in the fucking walls. Right. You'd be like, I want out of the Truman Show. You'd be like,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You'd be hiding in your trunk. Right. I would go about to the car and just be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You'd be hiding in your trunk. I would go out to the car and just be like, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't happening. The last thing in the fucking world I would want to get fucking dosed with would be fucking meth. Where you're just like, cool, I think I'm having a panic attack or a heart attack or an all the attack. It's probably an all the attack. We covered an opioid epidemic on our show.

Yeah. probably in all the attack. We covered an opioid epidemic on our show. Yeah. And one of the things that we were covering was a guy who dosed his wife so she could get onto it too. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, getting dosed is the worst.

Who would do that? That's such a shitty thing to do. It's a fucking shit thing to do. Such a shit. And also like, isn't it expensive? Why are you giving away your product? I don't understand what's happening. You're an altruistic meth user that's giving it away.

You got to be like mad at the hibachi restaurant. In a big way. And you're like, I'm so fucking mad. I got mad at Burger King once. So I got, I worked at a Burger King. This was like many, many moons ago. I worked at a Burger King and they fired me. They fired me for good reason, by the way.

I was being a dick and they fired me because they're like, we don't want you to work here, Tom. You're being a dick. And I was like, I'm mad because I'm a fucking teenager. And my want to get back at the restaurant, it was wintertime. And I was going to go out there and turn their spigots on and flood their driveway, their parking lot with water in the middle of the winter. And turn everything into a fucking ice rink. I was like, I'm going to go in the middle. I wasn't going to show up and put fucking meth in the middle of the winter and like turn everything into a fucking ice rink. Like that, I was, I'm going to go in the middle. That's what, I wasn't going to show up

and put fucking meth in the Whoppers. That'd be a Whopper though. Meth Whopper. Meth Whopper. Meth Whopper. That's the next thing. Have it my way, bitch. Admittedly, admittedly,

you get a lot of people to come to Burger King. That'd be the only way to get into Burger King. They'd outdo, they wouldn't be Pepsi anymore. They'd be Coke. Have you seen anyone with white eyes? Yeah, I grabbed this. This is fucking fucked up. The story comes from what the fuck, man.

Why does this? I mean, like, like, why is this happening? I don't know. We cover this on the last goofball show. And like this one is even more fucking insane. Harvard morgue manager and associates charged with trafficking human remains sold parts via Facebook and PayPal.

They got pictures of these people, including a guy who tattooed the whites of his eyes. Yikes. Oh, he totally did. Yikes.

Hold on. I got to put that on the screen. I would buy nothing from a man who tattooed the whites of his eyes. I would buy a fire extinguisher if I was on fire. I'd buy a body part from there. Although if you're buying body parts,

that's the guy to buy. Isn't that really dangerous to tattoo the whites of your eyes? Super dangerous. You can lose your eye. Yeah. You can just go blind. You can lose your eye. It's a,

it's a wildly stupid fucking idea. So, um, and like, obviously doesn't, it looks insane. So we're, we're at this place where

where human bodies are I think we're at a really interesting inflection point in in sort of funeral services because I think that there are a growing number of people

who don't believe the traditional mythology of putting your body in the ground and then one day Jesus comes down and weighs his fucking magic wand and everybody pops up out of the ground

perfectly fine and goes to heaven. If they were facing east or whatever. Yeah, whatever. They just fucking all jump up. But... Oba! There's a lot of... He makes them all do burpees.

He's like, you gotta be in shape to get into heaven. No, but we're at a weird place where I think a lot of people are rejecting the traditional burial, which is, you know, I think I saw it when I was younger. We started rejecting it for cremation. That was a thing that was sort of big for a while. But I think more and more, we're seeing more people who are deciding to donate their body to science or to, I think you can sell your body to science even.

I think you can sell your body to science even. So, you know, they might be able to sell or offset some of the costs of the service that they have to ship their body off. I don't know, man. I've seen me naked. I'd have to pay for them to take me. No, I think they pay per pound, Tom. Oh, shit.

Here we go. Cancel my life insurance. Haley, you're taking care of it. Before I go, if I'm in hospice, I'm eating so much Ben and Jerry's. If I was in hospice, it's all I would eat. I would have an IV. I would just be like, it's just going to be cherry dark.

Just keep tapping it so the chocolate chip goes in there. Just tap the needle and it'll go in eventually. No, but I think we're at a place where people, humans, are not thinking the same things we did. Yeah. And it's cool, but it's also another opportunity to grift. It's another opportunity to commit crimes and it's another opportunity to, you know,

before desecrating the dead required an undertaker and a morgue guy and whatever, and they would desecrate you in some way and maybe you wouldn't know, maybe you wouldn't. But now, since your body is being sold on a secondary market or your body's being sold again to a science and then it's now being sold on a black market, these are things that are going to keep growing.

I think that we are going to keep seeing more and more of these stories. And what was interesting about this story, one of the reasons I grabbed this story, Cecil, is one of the things that was being done is these body parts are being used to make art stuff. Weird, gruesome art, weird,

like art that I would not. Yeah. Like I like, but like they're using body. Like one of these guys was charged with buying human faces, fucking faces. And like, they had like a thing on their website about like how they make art that

will like shock you or whatever. So like, they're making like, Ooh, like provocative, spooky, spook art, you know,

like, which I'm not into, but it also does like, it is actually kind of a fascinating question about why should dead human bodies, why shouldn't dead human bodies be commodified for art in the same way that everything else can be commodified into an art supply? Could you make art out

of your hair or your blood or your fingernails or whatever? You know what I mean? Like those body parts that you've had. And you know, I mean that one lady who was part of that, they keep wanting to tie Clinton to that lady who does the spirit cooking. Oh yeah. She's involved in some sort of this stuff too,

where there is this feeling that like some people like to push these boundaries or whatever. And, you know, those are for people who push boundaries. I do think it's an interesting question. I don't know the, I don't know. I don't feel like I, I feel like if somebody donates their body to art, then that's different.

But if you donate your body to science and they're like, yeah, but art, then I'm like, no, I don't think so, man. And that's where the problem comes in, right? Is you're not donating your body, but like a lot of the fine print on this stuff is like, yeah, you donate your body to science, but really they can

kind of do what they want with it. Yeah, and fucking put string on it and turn it into a kite. Yeah, so it's like, yeah, right. That's what, like, we all think we're going to donate our body to science and we're going to get like cut open into like a fight by a fucking med student who's going to

go on to save lives or some shit. Yeah. But like, yeah, maybe, and maybe like, you'll just be sold. Like you'll be boiled down and turned into a skeleton or maybe you'll just,

you know, like you can be used for fucking and like the most mundane, banal, uninteresting shit. Or like you could end up on somebody's fucking weird Etsy page, man, for their weird dark arts and crafts. Admittedly, though, I think I belong on a shakuti trade before those rocks. Yes. So I feel like I feel like I am properly marbled and I would make good pancetta or whatever.

You know what I mean? I wish I could donate my body to be eaten. You do? Yeah, that'd be fucking awesome. If I could donate my body to be consumed, maybe not even by people.

Just consume. Tom, I think you could just throw yourself into a pig farm. There we go. Just chuck, you know what? Fucking.

And they'd love it because you're Ben and Jerry's. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Get in here, man. Have a, you know what? Fucking. And they'd love it because you're Ben and Jerry's friend. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Get in here, man. Have a bite. This is all Jerry Garcia underneath. I'm a chubby hubby, motherfucker. Man, this thing is marbled with chocolate chips.

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here today! Oh, fuck you! This is 100% me. You ever have a job you didn't like? Oh my god, have I ever? What's your worst job you ever had? Worst job I ever had was I worked for a PR firm for about four months

as a temp worker. I remember this. It was a PR firm called BSMG Worldwide. And I hated every second I worked there. I literally, it was the most soul crushing

shitty job I ever had. It was a temp job out of college and I got it and I was making not a lot of money and everybody there, like, like the thing is, is I don't know that the work would have been so bad if the people there were somewhat nice, but everybody there was the shittiest,

like look down your nose at somebody. And they, they were all just, they were just like, we all just had bachelor's degrees. Like I had a bachelor's degree. They weren't like, like, you know, amazing. They just happened to get, get lucky. And they had a serviceable major. Like that's all they had. And I remember how shitty people were when they told you to do stuff. Cause I was basically an office worker who would work for these account managers who would handle, you know, I remember for a while they were, they were marketing and PR for breathe, right strips. Okay.

And so I would have to put together like pitch books for that and stuff like that, where they were trying to... And then I would also have to... This was back in the day when fax machines existed. And so I used to have to fax to... They would come up with a press release. And then I would have to fax it to 75 different numbers on the fax machine. Oh my God.

And you have to sit there. This was back before there was like an automated thing. So you'd sit and type it in and slide it through and then whatever. And it was, it was the most soul crushing, boring job I ever worked in my life. I, I, most jobs I've ever had, I never take a lunch break. I just eat like at my desk or whatever. I'll grab a snack while I'm working. And I just worked through, I almost never take a lunch break. I took every second of my lunch break at this. Cause I was just like, I need to get out of there as quick as much as like, I was awful. I hated every second of it. What about you?

God, I, I I've had my worst, my worst job as a young person was working for Boston market. That was a horrible, horrible job. I'd gotten fired from that Burger King. I mentioned before I got a job as a young person working at Boston market. Um, and they worked you right up to the point where they didn't have to give you a break. So however many hours it was before you had to get a break, that's what everybody's shift was. So nobody worked like eight hours. You got a lunch anywhere. So you only worked like six hours or whatever, whatever it was, you never got a break. Um, and you got, I got burned all the time. Like everything was cooked in steamers. And so they had these like nasty, like put your hands in them and they're like gross inside who knows when they were cleaned

gloves and you'd put this food in these like giant steamer machines. And then when they were over, when they was ready for it to be like taken out, you'd open them up and this fucking cloud of steam and this fucking superheated water would be like dripping all over you. Jesus Christ. So you'd always have these like little fucking burns all over your fucking arms and stuff. And like your hands, I had rashes from wearing the gloves.

It was a terrible job. Boston Market was genuinely a gross, disgusting, a horrible workplace. And they had one guy working the back. So it was just me. Yikes. That's a guy working the back so it's just me yikes that's a lot of work really lonely yeah yeah like i didn't mind the volume of work but it was just lonely yeah like so it's like i was just lonely and bored there's no one to talk to yeah you're just back there all day you're just like neat cool good job man for fucking like

5 25 an hour whatever like working money I was getting paid. And then like as a grown-up, it would be a toss-up between the first two title companies I worked at. Yeah, you worked at some really long hours, shitty, terrible jobs. Those were tough companies to work for. Yeah, tough jobs, yeah.

The thing is though, this guy, gas station clerk, asked a friend to rob the store so they can go home early. This guy is playing 3D. He's playing 4D store so they can go home early. This guy is playing 3D. He's playing 4D chess here. He is. I mean, this is some good stuff. You go out of your way to be like,

okay, here's the thing. I just want to go home. Diablo 4 just released. I want to sit down and relax and enjoy something like this. Can you get me out of work early? And you can by evidently robbing the store. Does the store just close down for the night?

I would guess like it closes while the police investigate and stuff. But who comes there? Don't you still have to stay there while they're investigating? Yeah, this seems like a terrible plan. It doesn't seem like a good idea. I don't think if you get robbed

and you call the police and you're robbed, they're like, cool, go home, man. We're just going to let this one fly. Like, I don't think, I think you have to like give statements and then like have surveillance footage. Or you call your boss and say, well, yeah, we just got robbed.

And they say, okay. And then you're like, but I want to go home. Nah. Because this person owns a gas station and they're probably like, yeah, I don't pay you to feel things. I pay you to work and register. Like you're at a gas station, you they're probably like, yeah, I don't pay you to feel things. I pay you to work at register.

Like you're at a gas station, you'll probably get robbed later. Like, you know, if you're not paying attention, you could be robbed right now. I just don't see, I just don't see a gas station owner

looking at the, at the worker and saying, yeah, you can close down for the night. Or being like, I'll come in and finish the shift. I wonder, maybe they would,

maybe you'd be traumatized. Maybe I guess a good one would. I think a good one would be like, oh shit, like I'll come in and finish the shift. I wonder, maybe they would. Maybe you'd be traumatized. Maybe I guess a good one would. I think a good one would be like, oh shit, like I'll call someone else in or I'll come finish. I don't think they would close the gas station. No, but I think maybe they'd send him home. Maybe that's, is that what he's hoping? That he's traumatized enough that they send him home?

That they'll just send him home. But like your buddy robs the fucking gas station and is like risking jail. And you're risking jail for a job you can just quit. You can literally just quit. You can literally just quit. It's a goddamn gas station. Amazing.

You can go home. Here's the thing about your gas station job. You can go home early anytime. You can leave right now. You don't even have to lock the door. Here's what I think. It doesn't matter. Here's what I think happened.

I think he's just lying to the police officer so he wouldn't be as much trouble i think he probably orchestrated this entire thing he thought they would like any and he's like and then when he got caught he's like well i'll just say i just did it so that i could do something else i wasn't going to split the money with him right yeah you know i wasn't i was never going to split the money with him i just wanted to go home i wasn't about i wasn't an accomplice i just wanted to go home like i knew his ps5 i want to play diablo 4 i think like the cops would be I wasn't an accomplice. I just wanted to go home. I knew it was PS5. I wanted to play Diablo 4. I think the cops would be like, dumbass, an accomplice is an accomplice?

Yeah, I know. It's like, it doesn't matter what your motive is. You're still the accomplice. I don't care what you guys were divvying it up when you fucking buried your treasure. How this works out in the end is your problem. Whoever gets the biggest parrot on their shoulder doesn't matter to me.

We're signing him back over to you right now. Bad parents make bad children. Oh, this feels like a dad show. This is great. This kind of feels like a dad show. It is a little bit right now. Like a little dad show thing.

It's from AP News. In this youth baseball league, fans who mistreat umpires are sentenced to do the job themselves. Do you have kids in sports? No, no. None of my kids have ever done sports. I've never been in sports either.

So I did like one year of Little League, but nobody was invested in our team. Our team never won a game. And I don't know if any of us ever got on base. We were very, very, very bad. Yeah. Very bad. I never hit the ball.

I've still never hit a baseball in my life. Really? Yeah. You were in Little League for how long? A year. And they threw the ball every time to Really? Yeah. You were in Little League for how long? A year. And they threw the ball every time to you? Yeah.

Did you play like every inning? We all played. Yeah. So you were part of the, what position did you play? Second base. You played second base? I played second base.

The ball went to me one time. Okay. I wasn't paying attention. It was a ground ball. It came toward me. I caught it with my hat and then I panicked and threw it home.

I was very, we used to have these, I didn't know how to play baseball. None of us knew how to play baseball. I didn't watch baseball. I didn't like it. My dad just enrolled me in little league one year. I still have never understood why he did it. My dad doesn't like baseball. It is still to this day, one of the weirdest, most inexplicable things in my mind that he's ever done. But we would go down to the church basement. We're all like connected to done but we would go down to the church basement we're all like connected to this church that the league was through we go down to the church basement and the coach guy would on the whiteboard draw a baseball diamond and he would say he would do these like drills if the balls hit here and there's someone here who do you throw it to ball is here and someone here who do you go to i was so good at that i was so fucking i'd be like oh

got a runner here a runner here you throw it here you got a runner here you're like i was awesome like the logic of baseball hit no problem no problem the one time only that the ball came to me i was like i just threw it home base i just fucking panicked it's like i was just like ah it never came is not a good test like that's the thing it's like i'm gonna make like but not in gym class i'm not in gym class I was just like, ah, it never came to me. Tom is not a good test taker. It never, it like, that's the thing. It's like,

I'm going to make it like, but not in gym class. I'm not. Not in gym class. And yeah, like I would, I like my, my method of batting was to swing the bat,

miss the ball three times and then go sit down. That's what I did. The pit, the ball was pitched three times. And you swung three times. Three times.

You swung three times. And then I went and sat down and I was like, this game sucks. We got to go to the batting cages. And you swung three times. I missed it three times. You swung three times. And then I went and sat down. And I was like, this game sucks. We got to go to the batting cages. I've never hit a baseball. We got to go to the batting cages to get you to hit a baseball. We got to do it. We'll take you to the small one first.

Then we'll go to the big one. I want to go to the one where it pitches the huge ball really slow. Yeah. Yeah. The huge yellow one. You know? They can pitch those pretty fast too. Some of those could go pretty fast though.

They can. There's some fast pitch softball that you can do. I played baseball when I was a kid and then I played basketball in middle school and I played, I was on the track team and that was it. Those were the three things. I played basketball. I was second string in my middle school.

Okay. I wasn't tall, but, but I liked the game. And so it's funny because you're tall now. Yeah. I wasn't tall then. I uh, but I liked the game. And so it's funny because you're tall now. I wasn't tall then. I was short. And so,

uh, so I, I didn't play. I was like, they didn't, they didn't play me because all the kids that had the growth spurt were out on the court. Yeah.

All those kids that had the growth spurt were the ones that were there. So I was like, okay, well, it's easy. You know, those, those are the ones that play.

Right. And I just sat on the bench most of the time. They'd put me in at the end of the game. You know, one of those like, yeah, going at the end of the game, you know, so fore the ones that play. Right. And I just sat on the bench most of the time. They'd put me in at the end of the game. You know, one of those like, going at the end of the game. It's a foregone conclusion. Yeah, we're going to lose this one. You can play for a hot minute.

It's okay. Let's Cecil out there. Cecil 5 to 30. Cecil will be the point guard for a couple of minutes before we fail. But yeah, we did all kinds of... I remember how extensively we practiced and how much they talked about basketball and like,

you know, how you had to maneuver yourself to get the rebounds and where you should be. And, you know, if this guy's here, you should be over here. And there's, you know,

all this stuff and how the passing, you know, where you should think to pass and stuff. And I remember when I played none of that, I didn't think of any of that stuff. Yeah. Right. I was just like,

Oh, there's an open guy. Throw the ball to me. It was like that. Like it was never, there was, and I'm sure as you, as you keep doing it year and year and year and year and year, and you practice more and more and drill more and more and more, it gets to be second nature. I'm sure. But you know, just as like a one or two year person, you're like, yeah, man, I just panicked every time. I did the same thing. I did the same

thing you did. When the ball came to me, I wasn't like, oh yeah, okay, well, I see he's got, we got the triangle here. So I want to do this to this. Right, yeah. I was like, no, just fucking throw it to Joan. Yeah. Just hit him and he'll fucking play it in or whatever. This is interesting.

Now this, this reminds me, you know, when this is the youth baseball league, fans who mistreat umpires are sentenced to do the job themselves. This is because we are seeing a rash at least. And I don't know if it's a rash or not. I don't know. All I can tell you is what I see in some of these videos that get taken. Right. So the videos that get taken of somebody, you know, somebody's freaking out and then they'll pull their camera out and they'll record somebody who's flipping out on the umpire and being shitty.

And then the umpire like many times just be like, okay, I quit. And then they just walk away. Right. Cause this isn't a job that like these guys are getting a lot of money for. Right. Yeah. Well, like here's the thing. What I love is, is, is how just implied in the title of the article is how bad of a job

it is to be a referee, an umpire coach. Like no one's making, like I would do the same thing. Like Finn, when I said, when he asked me, like my kids were in sports, Finn, one time, he's my oldest, but this was when he was much younger. It was maybe six, seven years ago. So he's maybe 10. So I took, I enrolled him in soccer. I was like, go in the suburbs.

We should play soccer. Everybody plays soccer. Let's play soccer. He didn't really want to play soccer. I drove him to soccer. He fucking hated it. Then I sat there watching him hate it. And then I didn't like it. And like the, by the third time, like third time was time to go play soccer. I was like, I'm not doing this. If it's not fun, why are we doing it? Like, I'm not having a good time. But like, I think there's like this thing that gets lost with youth sports where it's like guys none of this matters yeah the stakes could not be lower yeah nothing good is going to happen in your life because you played badly the chances of you making it to the nba or the nfl or the fucking baseball version of that what is that mlb the MLB I don't know what that one I forgot I don't know like the big baseball teamings like it's so low it's so low it's basically zero it's like baseball players aren't athletes so it's true like a big deal yeah I'm gonna get so many messages

baseball players are the best athletes no they're they're not. I don't care. No, they're not. Sorry. They're always sitting down somewhere. They're like never doing any work. I will say of all the things to do in sports, probably one of the hardest things that baseball players are asked to do

day in and day out is hit a fast pitch like that. Yeah, I know that that's supposed to be one of the most objectively difficult things to do. Probably one of the hardest, most difficult things. But like once they've got that down, then there's, you know. But you're also barely ever asked to do that. Yeah. Like in the hours of a baseball game.

You get three at bats. You get three at bats. Yeah, that's what I mean. You spend three and a half minutes sportsing. You know what I mean? The rest of the time you're like chewing fucking big league shoe or whatever on the sidelines. Or you're out on the field waiting for something to get hit. Or you're on the field also not doing anything most of the time.

There's a lot of not doing stuff, admittedly. It's mostly not doing stuff. At least in other sports, people are moving constantly. Right. Yeah. Like, maybe you're not like the guy with the ball if you're playing football or whatever. Big slam on baseball on this show. But you're doing,

baseball's the most boring shit in the world. Baseball, I can't watch soccer just because I don't have a history with it. Yeah. So I didn't grow up with it. And I know people enjoy it. I just can't get into it. I just can't. I'll watch.

I'll try to watch it. And I know like we're in like the World Cup stuff. And I had a friend, we have a friend who's into soccer. He played soccer in college. And, you know friend we have a friend who's into soccer he played soccer in college and you know we have a friend who's really into soccer and so i watched it when the world cup was on because he was watching and i wanted to you know have a chance to hang out with him and talk and we had watched it a couple times and i was just like i just don't know what's

happening just like i don't i don't i don't get it so i'm just like well and like when finn was doing soccer i was like oh if he gets into this I was like, oh, if he gets into this, in my head, I was like, if he gets into this, I'll learn everything there is to know about soccer. Of course you would. And I'll be into it. And I'll stand there and I'll be the soccer dad.

And he was like, I fucking hate it. And I was like, thank God. It's so boring. I was like, let's go home. Let's quit. Let's leave. Ben and Jerry's on the way home. We did.

But these guys are like, that's the thing. If you're like yelling at the umpire, if I was the umpire, I'd be like, you have no idea. I'm barely doing this right now. I woke up this morning and I am barely doing this. In order to be an umpire,

I think you have to love the sport. You have to know everything there is to know about the sport. You have to understand the rules and you have to love the sport. And I think that, you know, I don't have any animosity to people who love sports. No, I don't either. We're just talking. I love a couple of sports myself.

There's many I don't love, but there's a couple that I really do love. I love to watch. There's some I love to play. And those sports, you have to just be so into it. And think about what that has to do to that person. They love this game enough to watch your kids play it and adjudicate this match for your kids yep and you're shitty to them so they don't love your kids no they don't know your fucking kids right right you know maybe they

love kids in general yeah but they don't know your fucking precious one whatever but they're not like i you know it's the same way in which you like, you know, like you donate to some charity or something, you know, like it's, I give to the humane society. I don't love every dog.

It's exactly right. You know, it's a great way to put it. So, so, but, but you come up to them and screaming at them like, yeah,

of course it means something to your kid and, and, and therefore it means something to you, but God, what a grotesque thing to attack, like essentially a volunteer.

Yeah. I mean, this person isn't making a ton of money. I mean, they might be making some money, but they're not making a ton of money.

They're not making anything worth it. Because these leagues are not immensely funded. No. No, they're funded by like bake sales and shit. They're funded by like,

yeah, like dues and whatnot. Like your dues and your fucking fundraising and all that stuff. You're going to fucking yell at the, I love that umps are quitting i do too i think it's great good so fuck stick that's it yeah this story comes from cron which is a houston thing investigation ends after body found near houston turns out to be sex doll all right tom i'll have you read it an investigation into a woman's corpse

found in a wooded area near Houston came to an end after the body turned out to be made of silicon. The Harris County Sheriff's Office received a call Wednesday afternoon

reporting the body of a dead woman found inside a partially open bag in the woods near East Aldean. The caller told deputies he believed what he found was a body

after poking at it and maybe fucking it a little. He poked it with a stick! He poked it with a stick! He poked it with a stick! Come on, do something. At 3.46 p.m., Harris County Sheriff Ed Gonzalez tweeted that after investigators

returned to the 5800 block of Brunswick, they suspected foul play was involved. We're awaiting homicide detectives and crime scene investigation to arrive at the scene to further investigate.

However, once detectives arrived and opened the bag, they discovered a full-sized, anatomically correct sex doll with pliable skin. Was Heath in Houston recently? There's no way he'd leave this behind. He would never leave this. He would never leave his precious. According to a report from ABC 13, footage shared by the local TV news station

captured the lifelike sex doll dismembered and wearing undergarments. Oof. What the fuck? Okay, let me show this. Let me show this on the screen. This is the tweet. So we want to see what this looks like.

Where's the number? Oh, there it is down here. So this is the sex doll. That has been, needs to get washed, think a couple times dude can i just say really quickly what a great metaphor for houston a rotting sex doll thank you thank you this is the houston mascot This is, this is like, this is like on the suck fucking city flag for Houston. A headless, a headless, dirty sex town.

Still the nicest thing in Houston. This is still the nicest thing in Houston. You know, Cecil, every boy has encountered this. You ever find somebody's fucking porn stash in the woods? I was thinking the same thing. I didn't find this.

I don't know. I'm not taking this one. I'm not taking this one home. What a fucking dark moment in your life when you're the guy who's like dismembering a sex doll

and leaving it in the woods or whatever. I'm still worried is what I'm saying. This for the stand by me kids is formative. That's what I'm saying. This for the stand by me kids is formative. That's all I'm saying. It's formative.

This changes your whole perspective on life if you find this in the woods. They should still investigate this. They should. You're absolutely right. Somebody's not okay. They should stop. Something is wrong.

Something is seriously wrong. So years ago, this was right after high school for me. My brother that I don't talk to anymore was getting married. And we were all too young to drink, most of us, most of his friends and us. I think he had just turned 21. So I was 19. And my older brother was uh 23 at the time and then we had another friend of a family who

was essentially a brother of ours our older brother same age 23 and they wanted to do a bachelor party for him because he's getting married the next day but we're all broke i mean you're all kids and you're broke so we bought two cases of hams and we went down to this, this area that was like a forested area by a train tracks by us. And we all just got drunk. And you know, my, my brother, of course, the one who's getting married, got really drunk. Everybody was giving him drinks and he was drinking all night. And his, his future brother-in-law was there along with his friends. And then some of my friends showed up too. And we were all hanging out.

And I remember, uh, you know, we had said we were, you know, we were all hanging out there and then Chuck walks in the woods for a minute. This is my, my, the close family friend of ours, um, who was like essentially an older brother to me when I was growing up, he comes walking back a few minutes later, he's got, he had, he bought a blow up doll. And so it's a, it's a,

it's a blow up doll. I mean, it's like a fucking, it's like a beach ball that you blow up. It's a, it's a prank blow up doll. There's no holes in it. There's no holes in it.

You can't fuck it. It's impossible. I think there was a mouth hole. Right. But like it's made as a joke, like it's mouth is supposed to be a joke. Right. And so he blows it up and ha ha ha. I think we even have somebody

might even had a camera and there was pictures taken or whatever. But Tom, this place was right by the train tracks. So what do you do? You put it on the tracks. You put it on the tracks. You traumatize some fucking train conductor. That train guy when that train came, that thing was blowing like crazy.

Dude, you seriously scared the shit out of some train conductor. Oh, no. Because we put a blow up doll. God, kids are the worst. When we left, we were all hiding in the forest when it was there. And then when we came back after the train left, it was stuck to a tree. It was like stuck

and it deflated and shot off the tracks and it was like stuck to a tree. It was like a scene from Airplane. It was fucking amazing, dude. Oh my God. Fucking amazing. Oh my God.

I do want to return back for just a moment to like the weird imagining of the post nut clarity that somebody had where they were just like, they're like, they're fucking a headless chunk of silicon body. I got to turn my life around.

And their answer is I got to dump this in the fucking woods. I'm sorry, Annabelle, but I got to let you go. I'm breaking up with you. That's it. It's not you. It's me.

Also, you've gotten kind of grimy. I don't know. There's a lot. I should have wiped you off. You're essentially a cum box. I know I shouldn't have gotten this third hand. Oh, God. I should have just used my first hand.

Well, with that, let's wrap up 700 episodes. 700. Cheers, buddy. Cheers. So let's get a wrap it up for this week. The next couple weeks will be again. We're still recording in advance. So this is all this was recorded

in advance and we won't be recording fresh episodes until the night, until the 20th of July. So, so again, if anything major happened, chances are, you're not going to hear it from us. Not until the 20, not until we record on the 20th and then release the next week. All right. That is going to wrap it up for episode 700. We're going to leave you like we always do with Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness,

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