Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 702: Dream Warriors

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Show Notes

Hey, I just got us a new Coca-Cola Spice. Nice. What's it taste like? It's like barefoot water skiing while dolphins click with glee. Whoa, let me try. Nah, it's like gliding on a gondola through waving waters as a mermaid sings. Nah, it's like Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah. Try new Coca-Cola, with a refreshing burst of raspberry and spiced flavors. Yeah.

Try new Coca-Cola Spiced today. This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence

to any topic that makes the news makes it big or makes us mad it's skeptical it's political and there is no welcome mat this is an episode you are hearing i don't know what day it is you know what hey check your fucking calendar that's what day it is all right i don't know why i think We're recording into the future. It's like July, early July, July 4th. Is it July 3rd or 4th? Sure, man. Happy America Day. Set out some fireworks.

I'm going to be in two different countries on July 1st. The same day? July 4th. You're going to be in two different countries on the same day? I'm going to wake up in Scotland and I'm going to fly to Norway. That's fun. So I'll be in two different countries, not the United States. On July 4th?

On July 4th. God, I envy you. I'm like, oh, I'm good. I don't need any fireworks. I fucking, July 4th can suck it. July 4th is the worst. It is the worst.

It's the worst. Okay, let's have a bitch session about July 4th. I fucking cannot stand the goddamn 4th of July. I know I'm an old man yelling at a cloud. I don't care.

I fucking hate it. I hate in the suburbs. July 4th starts about the middle of the end of June. Yeah, no, like, see, I would say now, I've already, in the last couple weekends,

heard massive explosions on Saturday nights for a couple, you know, maybe two or three of them. So people are already, they already went to crazy Kaplan's. They've already blown off one pinky. They're waiting for July. They've put the one pinky on layaway that they can blow away in July. I want to tell you right now, every, your fireworks show at home sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It stinks. It sucks.

It's boring. There's too much time between each fucking little fuzz whizzer or whatever fucking nonsense trash you bought. All you're doing is creating fucking loud noises, debris, garbage, stink smells,

barking dogs, crying babies. That's awful. Go, and the thing is, I love fireworks. I love to go see a professional fireworks show. I'm an ooh and ah guy. I'll sit there and I'll like recline on the grass on my blanket and I'll watch my municipal show

with great joy. I think it's wonderful. And at 9.45, I'm back at home and I don't want to listen to your lame-ass, boring neighbor fireworks. You're bad at it. You're all bad at it

and it's too loud. And here's the thing, man. It's just like, it's like, okay, you have three sticks of dynamite you tied together. Right. That is very loud.

Congratulations? I don't know. I mean, happy birthday to America. I don't even know what you're doing. I don't know what you're doing. You're just blowing something up. And now, don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong.

As a young man, I blew up a lot of things. And I get it. I understand. But there's a certain point in your life where you say, fireworks are just not for me. But there's a certain point in your life where you say, fireworks are just not for me anymore. There's a certain point in your life.

But some people, especially these homeowners around here, they don't get it. I have a fireworks accident story. Oh, oh, oh. So we found this woman

passed away next to my friend's house. So my friend lived down the block. If you blew up the corpse, I'm going to be horrified. This is going to be something I learned about Cecil Adair. It was a weekend at Bernie's thing. It was a whole...

So she died alone and we filled her belly full of... We shot her up in the air multiple times. She had Roman candles for hands. She's like Voltron. We didn't get her airborne too high, but we got her airborne. Oh my God. But in the garbage can, they threw out a ton of shit.

They threw out the old lady? They threw out a ton of shit. She had just, she's an old lady who died and I don't think anybody kept anything. Right. And they had a whole dumpster, Tom. Big, tall sided dumpster.

You have to, as a little boy, jump up, pull yourself up and climb into. I mean, it was really huge. We jumped in there and inside these giant, you know, I don't know, it's not five gallons, but it's like a three or two gallon pickle jars. You use pickle jars?

Half dozen to maybe 10 to a half dozen of these full of fireworks. Oh, full. And these are old timey fireworks. Like, like, what? The four regulation fireworks. Cecil, how old were you? Uh,

maybe 11 or 12. Okay. If you're 11 or 12, it's like finding, it's like finding a fucking stash of hustlers. That is finding your first boner. It's serious. That's amazing.

You're like, what is happening down here? We, at that age, had an amazing time with them. We threw them in the water. We did this. We did amazing. You're like, what is happening down here? We fucking had an amazing time with them. We threw them in the water. We did this. We did that. We had a game where we actually went out with guns because we

used to play in the forest. We used to do guns. And so we went out to go do this. And we were like throwing them at each other. These M80s were throwing them and they're blowing up out there. Jesus Christ. We had a blast time. The most dangerous shit

you could do with these fireworks we did. Absolutely. We're down by, and we blew them off for weeks. We didn't just,

we didn't just sit like one day and blow them off. We were, we rationed these out over weeks and weeks. And so I'm standing by the train

and there's a train tracks, secluded train tracks where I'm standing by the train and there's a train tracks, secluded train tracks where I grew up. You know, there's a, there's a dirt road, but nothing major around. Right. And we're down there. I think we're lighting some M80s and whatnot. And we're all sitting there and the train's coming by. And what a perfect opportunity. What is going to happen right now? I don't know either audience. Or, or whip some fireworks at a train, right? I mean, come on. What better-

That's what trains are for. What better thing to- We were kids. We used to throw rocks at it. You've got to throw stuff at trains. Now I have a firepower device, a gunpowder device that can shoot things or throw things or blow up stuff.

You would get your kid card revoked if you didn't do this. I have to do this. So I take a bottle rocket out. Yeah. And I hold it and I light it. And I didn't account, Tom, for how fast that wind was. Oh, no.

And it turned that very relatively slow burning wick into a very fast burning wick. And it started to take off very quickly. And it melted my hand together on the stick. And I couldn't let it go. Oh no. Cause it was like, ah,

right. I was like, ah, and I had to like tear my fingers off. Cause it's like magnesium. Like it's just shooting whatever the fuck, some nasty. I burned a channel into my hand.

And after that, I was like, maybe I don't want to play with fireworks I was like, maybe I don't want to play with fireworks as much anymore. Maybe I don't want to play with fireworks as much anymore.

I fucked myself up pretty good, man. I burnt myself really bad for like a while. It burned down. It was second degree burns. Both were second degree burns

for sure. Terrible. So I tied it up and did the best I could. How'd you burn yourself, dad asked? I don't know. Yeah.

Must've. No follow-up questions. I accidentally touched one of your cigarettes or something, dad. Jesus Christ. There would be the, the dumbest thing I ever did with fireworks doesn't even compare. Like,

but my buddy and I remember I was 17, give or take somewhere around there, like junior, senior year of high school. And my buddy was a year older. He had a car. I didn't have one. We drove into Indiana to like crazy Kaplans

or black cats or, you know, whatever fucking. Yeah. And we saved up and making $4.25 an hour, by the way, which is the minimum wage in the mid nineties. We saved up like $300. Wow. And we went together and we like filled his Chevy Blazer full of fireworks.

Good for you guys. We bought all of the fireworks. We just, and that's actually an immense amount of fireworks. They're crazy cheap.

Back then especially too. Right. You know, nowadays, that's probably not a lot. It's probably not, yeah. But back in the day, that was a lot.

It was a huge amount of fireworks. They actually, I remember going there a couple of times and they would have entire sets for like $180

and you could do a whole show because there was multiple things you could light off. So much you could buy. So when I, when we were there, we're like, you could buy these mortars, you could buy this stuff. So we just bought and we bought and we bought, we had like two, like big, like a push carts full of fireworks, you know? And so we fill this and we're scared too. Cause we're going to get in trouble by the police. You know, they don't care. They do not care. The police in Illinois do not care how much fireworks you have at all. So we put blankets and everything over it,

and we got back to back home. Just tell the people you're human trafficking to hold them close to our bodies. A lot of fireworks, you'll be fine. No one will find you. So, and we were working at a Burger King at the time, and the Burger King was, it was, I mean, it was like, it was run. The inmates were running the asylum. Sure, yeah.

Almost every burger, like almost every fast food place is like that. Like the management was like sleeping with the teenagers. It was like the grossest, weirdest place. Oh, dude, it was so weird. Like that place was like out of control. So, oh yeah, it was out of control, like what was going on in that place. So after work, Rick and I were like, hey, we should all go up on the roof. We'll close down the restaurant and we'll all go up on the roof and we'll all drink and light fireworks.

And so we stood on the roof of the Burger King with hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of fireworks, lighting these things off like into the wee hours or tying them to the Burger King kids toys and stuff and shooting them off into the parking lot. It's outstanding. Taking the mortars and just hurling them like grenades

to see what would happen. Just blow. I guess it was a shit show and on the top of a Burger King in the middle of the night, no police ever showed up. It wasn't a single cop. No police.

They don't give a fuck. They're illegal in Illinois only in the broadest sense of the word. They don't a single cop. No police. They don't give a fuck. They're illegal in Illinois, only in the broadest sense of the word. They don't care. They do not care. So fuck the 4th of July. I'm glad you'll be somewhere else. I'm going to be somewhere else.

I'm going to be excited to be somewhere else finally. So this story comes from CBS News. I grabbed this with an ulterior motive. A sleeping man dreamed someone broke into his home. He fired at the intruder and shot himself,

authorities say. This story is America. It very much is. How America is just like, this is a guy. So what this guy has is a sleep disorder, very probably, which is the same sleep disorder I have, which is called REM behavior disorder. And one of the first things when I got diagnosed that the doctor said is, don't have guns in your house. Do not have any guns in your house. You're unsafe. So you could feasibly have a episode, go somewhere and open a safe even? Oh yeah. So the crazy thing about this sleep disorder, which I have, you can do, like you have a dream, but the problem is that you don't have sleep paralysis while you're having

your dream. That's what this sleep disorder is about. So your sleep paralysis is incomplete, but your brain is a giant piece of shit. So you might just kick or punch or lash out or yell. And it also is accompanied, by the way, with nightmares. So you have many, many, many more nightmares than regular people do, typically. So you'll do all that stuff. But also, you might get up and run across the room. more nightmares than regular people do typically. So like you'll do all that stuff, but also you might get up and run across the room. You might get up and grab something. And in your dream,

it's a shovel. And in reality, it's a mat, a candlestick. I see. So your brain kind of repurposes the world around you and incorporates it into your dream. And so that's nice of it. So like one of the, yeah, it's terrible, like, because you, like, people fight their spouses and attack other people, or, like, it can be, in severe stages it can be a problem, right? I don't have that. But, like, in severe stages it can be, like, really dangerous. And so some people

have to be strapped into bed at night. Like, physically strapped into their beds at night. But one of the first things they tell you, and everywhere you look when you get this diagnosis, don't have a gun. Sure. You can't. But this is fucking America.

So this guy's like, well, I have a dangerous sleep condition. It means I basically act out my dreams. Probably should have a gun around. And he shot himself. Tom. There was no intruder, man. Tom, it's not just a gun. It's a.357 Mag.

Yeah, man. This is a big fucking gun. It's a hand cannon. Okay, so there's only just a gun. It's a.357 Magnum. Yeah, man. This is a big fucking gun. It's a hand cannon. Okay, so there's only been a few guns that I've fired once and said, I don't want to do that again. Yeah, it's scary. A.357 Magnum is one of those guns

because the one I fired, it had like the palm of my hand. My hands are bigger. And so it felt like it didn't feel like it was fully in my hand. And he said, you know, you got to put one around. It wasn't cup. It was like something else where you kind of, you brace for it, but you hold it in front of it. Cause I was doing the saucer and companies like, don't do that. Do this instead. And so I'm holding it. And this is a,

this is a friend of ours who used to live in Ohio. Now he lives in Florida. And I have it out there and I fired it and I felt it slip. It didn't go, but I felt it slip. And I was like, that's it. And I handed it right back. I was like, nope, that's it. That gun violently goes off. There's two guns that I fired that I was like, I don't need to do that anymore.

The other one was a.30-06 rifle I shot once. I shot that gun the same day. I shot it and it felt like I dove into water. I was like, this is not for me. I never want to fire it again. I felt like I was at ground fucking zero. Hard pass on that gun. I felt secure.

So it's funny because I grew up shooting 44 Magnums and stuff with my uncle. And that's similar to the.357 Magnum. It's a very similar gun, right? So big gun, giant barrel, huge concussion,

kicks like a beast. And I remember one year we were up there and I was like early 20, late teens, somewhere around there. And we were all shooting.

We've been there together. We're all shooting at this like old cabin. It had been dilapidated and torn down. And so sometimes you take pot shots at the cabin or whatever. It was like a trailer, not a cabin, a trailer that had been dragged up in the middle of this hunting land or whatever. And like I shot one,

I didn't know what it was called at the time, but I had a squib load or a squib round where it doesn't all the way go through. I didn't know what it was called at the time, but I had a squib load or a squib round where it doesn't all the way go through. I think that's what it's called. And the bullet goes into the barrel and stops because only the primer goes off. And I shot and we were kind of like, like quick shooting, you know, bang, bang, bang into this like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, bang.

And I almost pulled the trigger the second time. I almost pulled the trigger, but I was like, that sounded weird. Something's wrong. And I stopped. And I'm so glad I did because the gun would have blown up in my hands. Like 100%. You'd have a hook. Same thing.

I was like, I don't like this gun. This gun doesn't make sense to own. I don't like it. My uncle took that gun, put a fucking laser scope on it. It was a Ruger Super Redhawk, 44 magnum. He put a laser scope on it and he shot a bear. Is he the Terminator?

He shot a bear. We're bear hunting with it. Did the Terminator follow him into a hydraulic press? In the present zone. The Terminator's crawling. The fucking bear's crawling out. Fucking ridiculous.

Is that fucking a hand cannon, dude? This isn't the future man it's not Mad Max you don't have to get a fucking laser sight on your fucking 44 magnum what is happening

in your life I think it was a red dot through sight get the fuck out of here same thing dude and that 30 on 6 I remember shooting

Charlie Bronson bullshit what is happening it's a crazy gun it's so crazy why do you need it for anything yeah right

that 30 on 6 I remember we were shooting in this field we shot rocks What is happening? It's a crazy gun. It's so crazy. Why do you need it for anything? Yeah. Right. That 30-06, I remember we were shooting in this field. We shot rocks. Yeah. Huge. Guys, there were like-

Limestone rocks, like giant limestone rocks. And they just go, bugar! They just explode. They explode. I remember we put a pumpkin up with that 30-06

and somebody shot it and they were like, you didn't hit it. And we walked out there and the bullet had gone so cleanly through it. The pumpkin was like, yeah. It didn't even do anything.

It just barely moved. Yep. Oh, my God. It's just like, it's insane. It's an insane gun. That gun, it absolutely feels like diving in a water. It really feels like it's insane. But this guy had one of these in his bed.

In his bed! In his bed with him. And he's evidently trying to quick draw it. He fucking likes himself. While he's asleeply trying to quick draw it he fucking likes himself while he's asleep shooting at no one and there are people like well you know the only thing that can solve a bad dream with a gun is a good dream with a gun what the, two, Freddy's coming for you. Three, 57. Oh, my God, my leg.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I can't imagine the damage. Oh, man. I'd rather have to go to bed every day with this sleep disorder with Freddy claws. Just fucking claw myself in. I thought it was a fly on my face and I cut the fucking nose off.

I would fucking 100% rather do that than have a fucking gun that could shoot through your house and your neighbor's house in your bed with you. You're not even wrong. I remember like shooting again at that cabin. You'd shoot through

a door, like a metal door. It would go through the door. It would go into the refrigerator and out the other side of the refrigerator, man. The bullet's like, meh. I don't give a fuck. He's like, oh, somebody's shooting in the refrigerator that I've been hiding in since 1940. Right? It always makes me laugh,

by the way, when I watch like, what we were watching the other day. We were watching Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. Great show, by the way. If you like Douglas Adams, awesome show on Hulu. But we were watching that show

and there's like a gunfight at one point. And these guys, Cecil, they have these fucking huge guns, like these like submachine guns. And like, they're hiding behind these like wood pillars and stuff for like hiding submachine guns and like, they're hiding behind these like wood pillars and stuff

for like hiding and I'm like, none of that would stop these bullets. None of that. I've shot enough guns in my life that I'm just like,

shoot right through that stuff. Shoot right through that stuff. Shoot right through it. No idea. Like it was just shoot right through. It's like the bullet, like bullets in TV

get stopped by the most like I know. Minuscule of shit. It's all the time where they don't mind the couch. They're like, it's fucking cloth, man. It's a foam. You think an Ikea Majorp is going to stop something?

If you think pleather is going to stop a bullet, wear a pleather coat, man. Just walk around in a Naugahyde coat or whatever. We would just cover all our kindergartners in pleather. Jesus, that was dark. They just have a bunch of beanbags they could jump in and hide when a person comes by. God, guns also on TV, and I'll stop, but guns also on TV always click so much.

They go to pick one up, it's like... Yeah. They don't make any noise at all. The sound designers love to put in those, those, uh, those motions of that sound. Yeah.

Cause those are just very, they're very, they just do it all the time. They do it all the time. I will say, I would never fire a gun that made that much noise when I picked it up. I'd be like, this is not properly a gun.

What showed did a pretty good job with guns was the Sopranos. There's a scene in there where the guy shoots another guy in a car and he's like, fuck that fucking loud. He's like, he's talking about how loud it is. And that's something they never address in movies. Very often someone who's sitting in like a very small room or in a car with someone that'll just plug some guy so many times and it doesn't do anything to him. This guy pulls one shot off and he's like, oh, motherfucker, that, that hurts my ears. Yeah, so I like it when shows do stuff like that. Same, dude. I love when they're like, no hearing protection,

having a gunfight with like massive weapons, right? And then they're like, have a soft time afterwards. You'd be like, you couldn't hear anything! Or when the guns are going off, they're whispering to each other. Yes! Hey, hey! Go around the side! Or you can't whisper shit.

Whispering, you just shot like a fucking, like AK-47. I know. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Mr. Tough Guy who wrestled the six foot alligator with your bare hands.

You don't need weapons. Can I just say before you start this, I hate this person. Oh, I hate this person. I hate them so much. That's why I grabbed this story. I hate them so much. Just to hate.

I grabbed this story from Huffington Post just to hate hate this person. I hate them so much. I grab this story from Huffington Post just to hate on this person. TikToker arrested after allegedly breaking into Busch Gardens and entering alligator pit. This story does not have the appropriate ending. What it needs is like, it needs the alligator to grab the phone and be like, follow me on TikTok. Boom! And then just like, it needs the alligator to grab the phone

and be like, follow me on TikTok. Boom. And then they're just like pan over to the guy's headless corpse behind him. And that's the end of the video. That should be how this video ends. Yeah. I have, if you,

if somebody has like some severe mental illness, fine. Like I'll set that aside. But otherwise, if you like break into the wild animal pen, like I'm just like, fine. Like, I'll set that aside. But otherwise, if you like break into the wild animal pen, like, I'm just like, good, I hope they eat you. I genuinely hope for it. It's like TV for them.

Right. It's a, I mean, how, it's your immovable feast to them. That's what you are. You come to them. You're a hungry man dinner. Yeah. But they're hungry

and you're the man. Man. Yeah. And the other thing too about're the man. Man. Yeah. And the other thing too about this dick is this guy jumps in there, harasses the alligators, doesn't die. Awful. Stupid story. Stupid story.

But he gets away and then he gets arrested for breaking in. Right. But they also talk about his other TikTok stuff that he does where he just runs by people and screams help or he tries to start arguments with people. He's just, he seems like an absolute jackass. He's just a total piece of shit. I know. Whenever I hear stuff like this, I always think, I was like, man, we really made a lot of mistakes when it came to some of this stuff. And, and giving views to people like that who do this fucking obnoxious shit for views is awful. I can't believe we, I, for some reason, I don't remember why I was, somebody posted, oh, I think it was Seth had

posted, someone had gotten a clip of him and it was a short clip of him on TikTok. And he posted it to his Facebook page or whatever. So I went to his, I was on his face, I was on Facebook. I saw it. And he said, oh, this thing's got a lot of views. You should check it out. And so I clicked on it and it's just, you know, a minute of Seth talking. And he's talking about God and, you know, whatever Seth was talking about, you know, whatever, whatever, you know, anti-apologetic thing he was doing. And TikTok, as soon as that video's over, just immediately goes to the next thing. Oh, I'm on a website. I didn't sign in. I don't have a TikTok account, so I'm on a website,

and so it immediately goes to the next one. And so I'm like, ah, I got to get out of here. So I start scrolling. Well, then it starts going faster, and they're all just like popping up, and I can't turn the sound down because the sound is automatically on, and a brand new thing will happen,

and someone's screaming, and I'm immediately, what the fuck is happening? And so I scroll past and I felt so old. I felt so fucking old scrolling through TikTok. And then when I finished, I thought there's nothing, everything on there is so, it's also attention grabbing, a small attention span grabbing. And I just, I see it and I think, you know, what it breeds is,

you know, I'm sure it breeds some great stuff, right? For instance, Seth was on there talking about, maybe he talked to some people, maybe somebody saw that and they thought different about what their faith was. Maybe he changed their mind. So there is good stuff on there. But then there's also just this whole group of people on there

who were doing terrible shit to other people. They just caught a guy in London who walked into some other person's house and just filmed himself. And the guy's like, you got to get out of my house. You can't just walk into my house. What the fuck?

He just walked into their house. He jumped into a train and tried to drive away with the train while the conductor was doing something else. He got caught by, he actually got booked by the police, but there was a string of him doing these ever increasingly shitty TikTok stunts.

And these TikTok stunts are starting to become a thing where people are trying to do this for clout and trying to do this for views. Yeah, well, like, and again, this guy did not get eaten by the alligator, in which case I would have watched that TikTok. No, yeah, I guess that's fair. I absolutely would have watched that TikTok, right? But yeah, like, part of the problem, too, is there's an accelerationism that takes place.

I know that's a different term, but like, there's an acceleration that takes place with this stuff where it's like, the last guy who got views did this thing, and now it's kind of old hat. Yeah. So someone's got to constantly up the game we have to constantly like kind of step things up and so things get more severe and they get more dramatic and they get more egregious and like now people are jumping into a fucking pit full of apex predators yeah from the goddamn cretaceous or whatever you know like here's something that's like, this is an animal that's like, you know what? Actually, I won't change. Yeah.

65 million years. I got this, bitch. This is a fucking species of animal that when the fucking asteroid hit the earth, yawned. It yawned. And some fucking TikTok guy is going to jump in here with it? Yeah. I, like, I was reminded of that guy who like jumped in with the orca. And then the orca was like, another word for me is killer whale.

Yeah. Actually. And so, narp, narp, narp. And like it kills us. They drown him, I think. They drown him. They're just playing with him. Just playing with him.

Yeah, man. Severely playing with him. You're like a stuffed toy. Right. Like your cats will play with a mouse until they're bored with it. Until they're bored. It's all floppy. It's 100% dead. Right're like a stuffed toy. Right. Like your cats will play with a mouse until they're bored with it. It's all floppy. It's 100% dead.

Right. Yeah. Same thing. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, man. I'm so alone. Ain't got nobody to call my own. His story is all kinds of fucked up. This story, I just have to read from this story because this is un-fucking-believable. It's from the Chicago Tribune. Three severed heads from donor bodies left at employees' desk after complaints raised about alleged misconduct dale wheatley who performs deliveries for the anatomical gift association of illinois came to work two weeks ago and found sage burning and three severed heads lying on a plastic container

by his desk wheatley who has worked for aga for nearly five years said he's never seen anything like the horror movie scene he stumbled upon that Wednesday morning in late May. That might be my favorite line in this. He's never seen that's not normal.

Usually Mondays are bagel Mondays. It's not Tuesday where you're like oh I'm going to go grab a donut and enjoy the sage and heads

by my desk. That's not normal. That's not what you do. It'd be great if you're around the water cooler somebody's got one and he's talking to it.

Oh, how's your day? Is your day going well? My day's very good. I'll have a drink now. I don't have a stomach for the water to go into. It's all over the floor. This is why we don't work at the AGM. Really, we don't.

This is why you and I don't work at the AGM. They don't want us there. You make one of those kid mobiles where there's like a head over here, but then there's a longer stick, so the head is equaled out over here. It's the most wildly, wonderfully unnecessary line in this story.

This is somebody who's like, all right, I wrote the story. I'm 31 words short. Okay, it looks like he did not expect this. He didn't expect it. Wheatley said the heads... Somebody's like standing there, and they got like one of those magician wands

and a tablecloth, and they're like, ta-da! I kind of hope it's under like a fancy... Oh, under a fancy like thing, like a chafing thing. Yeah, right. We open it. Ah!

Wheatley said the heads from AGA donors were placed next to his desk after he reported concerns about the mishandling and poor conditions of donated bodies to his supervisors, thus proving his point. Could you imagine that's your retaliation? You don't ever retaliate again. I'll tell you what, that is a message. My goodness. Hey, I think you guys are really mishandling these body parts. We'll show him mishandling body parts.

We'll put these severed fucking heads here. It's a nice body you got there. It's a severed head that happened to it. Jesus. What is going through your mind? You're like, I'm going to fucking report me. I'm going to put a fucking severed head on your desk. You know what?

No. I'm going to put two severed. You know, I'm going to put a fucking severed head on your desk. You know what? No, I'm going to put two severed. You know what? No, it's three severed heads, you motherfucker. Can't you imagine somebody going through

the Thrive Pass, they go in the back, they break one out and they put it out and they're like, eh, I don't know. Kind of feels a little

weighted to the right side. He goes, gets another one. He says, eh of feels a little weighted to the right side. He goes, gets another one. Feels a little balanced. I really feel like the right side was the right choice. Goes, gets a third one. Can you imagine somebody doing that and not realizing someone's going to report that? What do you think's going to happen, man? Someone's just going to be like, wow.

That is a heady mix of terror and confusion. My mistake. I is a heady mix of terror and confusion. My mistake. I made a huge mistake. I should have never reported you for mishandling. This is a guy. They were actually trying to decide what body parts to use. They flipped a coin. It was heads versus tails.

Heads. It could have been just three asses. It was three asses. Three asses. That would be hilarious, though. Three asses sitting on your desk. Two heads and an ass. They're all propped up in there. That would be hilarious though. Three asses sitting on your desk. And an ass.

They're all propped up in there. No, genuinely though, horrible story because this guy is like, he's like, yeah, man, they're mishandling his body parts. And this is one of those things where people die and they say, I want to give my body to science. I want to give my body to science so somebody can use it. I want them to use this meat want to give my body to science so somebody can use it.

I want them to use this meat when it's done because I'm not going to use it. Nobody's going to burn it up. Who cares? Just use it. And what happens is they let these things sit out. They fuck them up. They don't do the right things to preserve them.

And they're getting complaints by all these scientific organizations, be they people who are learning, doctors that are learning on cadavers or they're doing testing on certain things. They're getting complaints and saying, these bodies are not in good shape when you're sending them to us. You're mishandling these things. People are donating them to you. We're buying them from you. And we're giving us a, like, basically, you're giving us an inferior product.

And I don't believe in the integrity of a body after it's dead. I don't think there's a thing. But when a loved one entrusts you to do something with it, that's important. That's the important part. I don't care about the body itself.

I care about the trust you're breaking. Yeah, it's disrespectful as hell to the family of that person. It's disrespectful as hell to the family of that person. It's disrespectful as hell to somebody's like altruistic decision to gift you with their meat. Right. Like that's horrible. Like it's fucking, it's like, it's a terrible story for that reason. And like, like the other problem is it's going to make people think twice about doing this.

Sure. Now, now they wouldn't do this now. Now they twice about doing this. Sure. Now they want to. I wouldn't do this now. Now they wouldn't do this. Yeah. I really wouldn't. Like, I would not be like, yeah, I want my body to be, because like, it would be so upsetting

for my family to find out that this was me. Sure. That my head was used to like, fuck with somebody. I actually wouldn't. My family would think this was great. Actually. Actually, if my body was used as a prank war. Yeah.

I think escalating prank wars is a good use of my body too. as a prank war yeah i think i think escalating prank wars is a good use of my body too so if i die cecil yeah i have my explicit permission i will prank someone with your you can use any of these parts do whatever you want sure yeah yeah yeah put me as a scarecrow in the middle of the street i don't care fuck with eli with it it's's 100% weekend at Bernie's. Who am I kidding? Eli's going to get people talking. What dark secrets lurk in this family?

Tune in on March 21st to find out. Apples never fall. Exclusively on W Network and Stack TV. I mean, if you were another sheep, would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? Oh. Since you put it that way, you bet your ass i would not so yo this motherfucker ain't one of us he said he'd fuck a sheep wait no sister it comes from khq.com dog ejected from car during sunday crash found on sheep farm

herding sheep. Dog's got to work. You know what I mean? This dog just knows who he is. Tilly, two-year-old Border Collie, was ejected from a car Sunday during a crash and has been found. That's a fucking crash, man. That really is.

That's a crash. When your dog gets fucking boofed out of the car so hard you can't find it. And then doesn't know where to go. The dog gets thrown in. It's like, where the fuck am I? And the dog's just like, I don am i the dog's just like i don't know i'm just gonna get thrown off an overpass like what is he was found on a sheep farm where he had apparently taken up the role

of sheep herder according to tilly's owner he's lost some weight since sunday's crash is now drinking lots of water but it's otherwise healthy the dog got ejected so fucking hard the owners are fine the owners are fine and dog gets ejected so fucking hard. The owners are fine. The owners are fine. And the dog gets ejected and the dog's just like, fuck those. They can't drive. I don't want,

I don't want anything to do with them. I'm not getting back in their car. Last time I got fucking boofed out here. No, I'd rather go hurt. I'm not going back to uncle Jonas, Jonas farm. I heard this. I heard the crying of the lambs. I'm going to go save the lambs now. I'm going going back to Uncle Jonah's farm. I heard the crying of the lambs.

And I'm going to go save the lambs now. How weird would it be if you're just like own a sheep farm and there's just a random sheep dog doing its job? Just hanging out. Don't worry, I got this. Yeah. You can pay me in foods. But evidently not waters.

I just love that the dog knew what it had to do. Right. It just had it in it. It said, you know what? I got stuff to do. I'm going to go do something. I'm going to go make this time that I'm lost very, very, like I'm going to make sure it's productive,

as productive as possible. I got to love it. You got to love it. That's an industrious dog. But also like this is one of those like dogs that makes you feel guilty, right? Like, you know,

when COVID lockdown happened and then you're in your pajamas, you haven't changed in like four days and you're basically covered in cookie crumbs and then there's somebody who's like,

oh, yeah, I'm using this time to learn a fucking third language and I'm just like, I'm using this time to coat myself in Oreo grease.

You know, this dog is that person. I can only do one press conference, terrifying press conference a day and then eat four Ben and Jerry's pints. That's my entire day. I watch a terrifying press conference, whether that's Trump, who's fucking shitting all over his own hands and talking about how he's going to prevent COVID with it. Or I watch, I watch JB Pritzker's where he brings out scientists who scare the shit out of me. And then I go into my fridge and I go, feed me, Seymour.

Feed me. And then I eat until I pass out. And then I wake up the next day just in time for the press conference. Exactly. That's what I can do. That's what I can do. And this fucking dog

is shaming all of us. Fucking overachiever dog. Oh, I took a shower this week. Yeah, fuck you, Tilly. And then we got to dig up the coffin again, and then we got to deal with the backhoe guy again, and the backhoe guys are real prick. AP News man steals backhoe for 10-mile drive to Illinois Airport to catch a flight.

Hold on, though. Yeah. Hold on. Yeah. It's got to be one of those backhoes with wheels on it. It can't be one with tracks because those don't, I mean, you could jog faster than the one with the tracks. But even the ones with wheels on them.

They don't go very fast. That's not a quick. I've seen, I've seen, like when I think about farming type equipment. But still maybe like 20 miles an hour. It's like 30 miles an hour, 40 miles an hour. It's still faster than walking, I guess. It is. And I guess like, you know, this is from Marion, Illinois.

So I was like, all right, well, I guess they don't have Ubers. Is that West? Where is that? Now we got to look it up. That's way South. Isn't it way South? We'll look it up. Yeah, South of St. Louis.

It's by Carbondale. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's really far South. This is so far South in Illinois. It's South of Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's really far south. This is so far south in Illinois. It's south of St. Louis, Missouri. You could throw a rock

and hit Paducah, Kentucky. So this guy steals this this fucking backhoe to drive to... You know how you can't get an Uber down there?

Come on. You probably can't the deer drive them. If you were an Uber driver, one guy would call you every year. It's Carbondale. There's got to be call you every year. It's Carbondale. There's got to be a deer around there.

It's Carbondale. There's probably plenty of Ubers around there. There's got to be Ubers around there. Security camera footage shows a Carbondale man arriving at Veterans Airport of Southern Illinois atop a backhoe and leaving it at the airport parking lot. This guy is my hero. Are you kidding me? The footage

captured a man walking across the street from the lot to the airport lobby, carrying a guitar case because he's the coolest motherfucker that ever lived. It's like El Mariachi or something like that. He's walking in. He's got a machine gun in there. 100% that man has a machine gun in there.

Don't arrest him. He is on important business. I'm telling you, you know what? It's not a machine gun. It's one of those pneumatic thing they kill cows with. Yes. And he's, he's putting them behind people's eyes

and making them see what fucking coin is going to come up heads or tails. And if it's heads, he's going to deliver it to that place earlier in the other story. Yeah. The other story. This is like,

this is crazy. Like this is, this is some serious, like movie style shit. Very much is. You're not going to, you're going to arrest Jason Bourne. story yeah the other story this is like this is crazy like this is this is some serious like movie style shit very much is you're not gonna you're gonna arrest jason bourne like what is happening right now i love that he i love that he parked it i kind of hope i would love to see security footage of him like waiting for like the gate to open and taking his like ticket and it's like please take ticket with you to pay inside like carefully parking it trying to like wedge

it in like a car like a space reserved for like a compact car i'll be the best he just walks up he takes the car that's in there moves over he parks he gets the first spot he's like fuck you i got this thing fucking oh it's so amazing so driving along in his fucking backhoe. Have you ever been in a backhoe? You ever worked one? No. Have you? Yeah. So my father-in-law had like three or four different pieces of equipment. Yeah.

And he had a little skid steer. We've driven those. But then he's also for a while had a, it was a very small little backhoe that he had with a bucket on it. And he could dig. And I've been inside of it, just drove it and used it a couple of times here and there. While the people are in it. It's every Tonka dream. It's so amazing.

Those little things, the little skid steer especially, I was so impressed. It's not a very big device. It's very small. Smaller than a compact car, but the power in those things, so move stuff is just unreal. I remember in the back of my house, I had to dig some stuff and I had, I had rented from the pot. I lived in a place in like in Illinois where right down the street was a super store of rental stuff that had acres and

acres of utility type trucks and giant cranes and all kinds of stuff. And I went there and I rented an auger because I was going to put in fence posts for my yard. And I borrowed my father-in-law's skid steer and I took, and I used this auger, and it would dig what would take a human being three to four hours with a post hole digger. It could dig in 15 seconds. It was just down, you lift up, it rips the dirt out. You go down again, it rips the dirt out again.

You just do it three or four times, and it's immaculate, clean, straight down hole, exactly where you wanted it, move on to the next one. When I put in a chain link fence in my first house, I rented a two man. This is like how I remember. I do remember this. I know you were there. The auger piece. Yeah. The one you had to spin it on your own. So like the land out here is all clay. It's all clay. So like you get past the topsoil, which was just trucked in. The topsoil out here is trucked in and put on top of your land in order for you to have grass. Because underneath that, six inches underneath the topsoil is just clay. And it's this like intense,

thick, impenetrable muck of clay. When we put in this chain link fence at my first house, I rented a two-man auger. It had like pipes on each side for two guys, two big guys to get on. And like, I remember like there were two guys and a third guy sitting on top of it for added weight to try to push that thing down. And still it would get bound up and we had to like pull it up

and like jam it down and pull it up. Three guys operating that auger. That skid steer is just like. It was instant. It was like instant. These things are so powerful. It's crazy. Three guys operating that auger. That skid steer is just like. It was instant. It was like instant. These things are so powerful. It's crazy powerful.

Crazy powerful. And this guy drove one to the airport. Here's the only thing is, is I think, I know we're going to die this way. We're going to fight in bulldozers. We get to choose which one we're going to have, whichever construction piece of equipment we want. We're going to fight to the death in them.

In old age. In the old age. Lovingly fight. Lovingly fight. No hard feelings. No hard feelings, bro. None at all. No hard feelings.

Bring out your dead. Here's one. Ninepence. I'm not dead. What? Nothing. Here's your ninepence. I'm not dead.

Here. He says he's not dead. Yes, he is. I'm not. He isn't. Well, he will be soon. He's very ill. I'm getting better. Yeah. He says he's not dead. Yes, he is. I'm not. He isn't? Well, he will be soon. He's very ill. I'm getting better.

No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. This story comes from someplace in Ecuador. I don't know what this is. A 76-year-old woman declared dead wakes up during her funeral in Ecuador. Cecil, I wanted to talk about this story. Would you want to go to your own funeral? If you could,

if there was like an afterlife moment, cause I thought like, she's kind of living that dream to be like, you showed and you show where the fuck is. So where's Tony? Right. That's the best eulogy you could write for me. This,

I think if I woke up like during my funeral, if I like thought like, all right, they're not like putting me in the ground yet. I'd be like, I'm just going to listen. I'm just,

you know, I'm going to give it a minute. I'm going to hang out. Maybe I'm not going to stir. You know what I mean? Like I'll just, I'm going to play, I'm going to play possum.

It's been working for a while. You get a nice nap in that coffin. Right. You know what I mean? You're finally away from everybody. There might be a moment where I'd be like, oh,

I can take a nap. I can take a nap. Maybe if I don't tell anyone. Of the people that fall asleep with a gun in their hand, this seems to be like a need in Ecuador. Genuinely feels like a need. How terrifying would it be to wake up so

crazily? She goes to the doctor. Doctor says they have a, she had a cardiac arrest. We're sent into the funeral home. She goes to the funeral home and then she's in this casket. Yeah. And she's banging on the casket

and someone finds, I'm fine. I'm alive. Oh my God. What a terrifying experience. That is pants shitting scared right there. Do you get a refund on the casket? Because it's used now.

It's used. But only like, kinda. It's only kinda. You know? No, I think I really think... That's a good luck casket now. Everybody's putting

all their dead people in there like Pat's Cemetery to see if they come back. Like, I like that one. I put it in there and I shook it real hard. Are they going to come back? No, let's get out of here.

It's like a magic eight ball. You keep opening the door. Don't look so good. Close the door again. Don't look so good. Close the door again. Oh, man. That's freaking amazing.

No, but I don't think it is used until a dead person is in it. I think before then, it's just test drives. Very low miles casket. You got the dealer plates in the back of your casket. This story plays different if she's cremated, though. It plays way different. Yikes.

Jesus, it's the end of Scrooge now. It's like fucking Hansel and Gretel shit at that point. He's banging on the thing. Let me out, let me out. God, it's the end of Scrooge now. It's like fucking Hansel and Gretel shit at that point. Hanging on the thing. Let me out, let me out. God, it's fucking nightmare fuel. Like, can you imagine being the doctor, right? Like, well, didn't you declare grandma dead? Be like, mistakes were made.

We all make mistakes in our job every day. I declare bankruptcy. You better just like at that point as a doctor, just walk into the sunset. What are you doing? You got to quit. You're done. In the sunset.

That's where you go. You have to go into the sunset. You're done. Yeah. You're done. You're not even a veterinarian anymore. You have to go find people, find another people to administer medicine to.

You're done. You can work the fucking backhoe and drive it to the airport. That is so bad. That's a hard one to bounce back from. It really is. I mean, not if you're the 76-year-old lady. No, no. Would it be awkward if you've like already kind of divvied up her shit, though?

You know, and you're just like. Someone's like, man, I love this cake pan. You're just like, I miss grandma, but I really love this cake pan. Grandma, here's the deal. I'm going to put it back, but with a sticker on it, okay? Because I dibsied that shit from Cousin Joe. Put this piece of yarn around this cast iron pan. Keep that one

for me. The red yarn is for me, Grandma. Alright? My job is to plumb the depths, so to speak. dredge up something from inside this story comes from bbc news india official drains entire dam to retrieve phone he then fed a fly to a spider swallow a worm or whatever. A government official in India has been suspended

after he ordered a reservoir to be drained to retrieve his phone. It took three days to pump millions of liters of water out of the dam after Rajesh Vishwas dropped the device while taking a selfie.

So at first, he hires scuba divers to go after his phone. And they're like they're like no man we can't find it it's a phone in a giant reservoir we're cool and then dude how what kind of like what does it say about the state i know this is a little sad but like what does it say about the state of like the workforce and labor capital in india that you like, yeah, I could hire a team of scuba divers cheaper than buying a new phone. A phone.

No, you're absolutely right. A thousand bucks for a good phone, right? $1,200 for a top of the line flagship phone, just what he's described as having, right? I could not hire a team of fucking scuba divers to work for $1,200. If you dropped it in Lake Michigan, they'd be like,

no, man, it's like $4,500 just to get me in the boat. They wouldn't even look at me for that. Yeah, you gotta get $4,500 to get me in the boat. And then it's like $2,000 an hour. Right. Are you kidding me?

But like the labor force of labor capital is so worthless in India, unfortunately. I think it's so funny. He's just like, phone is really, that's a lot of dough. That's a lot of dough.

I got to hire an entire fucking team of scuba divers. And then it doesn't work. So he has to then hire a team of, I guess, Mario and Luigi to come over with a pump and plumber all that water out of there. It's 2 million gallons, 2 million liters or something crazy like that. What is it at the bottom? They say that they drained,

yeah, roughly 2 million liters or 440,000 gallons of water. Yeah, his mission was stopped when another official from the Water Resource Department arrived following a complaint. He says he's been suspended following an inquiry.

Water is an essential resource that cannot be wasted this way. When they retrieved the phone, it's ruined. The phone was, they got the phone. It's too waterlogged. It's like, yeah,

it's fucking water resistant, man. It's not all the way to the bottom of the dam for a couple of days. A couple of days? It was already trashed. You did this for trash. I do like that they found the phone, though.

I do, too. I do like that they found the phone. I do, too. And they could be like, oh, no, is this what you wanted? They should smack him on the nose with it. Beat him with a roll of newspaper. Is this what you wanted?

Do you want this phone? Lay down. That's amazing, dude. How fucking unbelievably self-centered do you have to be that you were taking a goddamn selfie and then you're like, I dropped my phone. I guess I'll just empty an entire reservoir of water. I need to empty this reservoir of water because I need a better Tinder picture. What was on?

All I want to know is what was on that phone. Oh, you know, there was like some, There was some evil shit on that phone, right? I mean, he's the one who sent the heads to the guy earlier in the other store. For real. Yeah, I mean, he's. That's Dexter's phone. He's making videos of getting those heads. Oh, yeah.

Like, he's a head collector. Somebody needs to like find Rajesh's phone and like figure out what was on it because he is up to no good. I could drop a kid into a reservoir and I'd be like. I don't know. I got it. I'm sure we kid into a reservoir and I'd be like, hey, I don't know. I got it. And we can pump this thing out and be like,

that seems like a lot. That seems like a lot. It's okay. I've lost nothing of work. I got a bunch more. We'll just, I'll give one of them two names. I'll just make the other ones

work harder. I'll just give one of them two names. You rename all the kids. So now they all have to share the extra name. All right. That's going to wrap it up for this week. Like we said before,

we're probably not going to have a lot of extra stuff this month. Because Cecil's on vacation! If there is something this week, Ian's going to jump in right now. Three, two, one. He didn't. Alright, so nothing extra this week, but we might have a little something extra later on in the month. We're going to catch you guys

next week, Monday, and we're going to leave you like we always do with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative,

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