Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 711: Manatee Cuddle Pile

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. Today is Thursday, August 31st,

when you're listening to this. It's not today. When you're listening to this, that's what it is. It's August 31st. 31st, absolutely. Today for us is not August. It is not.

Anything exciting happened and we didn't know it. Like, I don't know, if like a mercenary Russian coup guy fell out of the sky in an airplane or something. Anything wacky. Anything wacky. We do know about that.

We do know about that. I was listening to, I don't know, one of the news podcasts I listened to. You said crash, and I immediately put the Fyre Festival guy up, but I'll take him down. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Go ahead. It's just funny. I was listening to one of those news podcasts this morning or this afternoon, and they couldn't

help but make a joke. It's like, unlike most Russian dissidents who fall out of buildings, this one fell out of an airplane. Wow. Because it's just true. They mostly get thrown out of buildings. Sure. They're just like, I fell.

It was entirely an accident. I should have been tying my shoes so recklessly. an accident. I should have been tying my shoes so recklessly. Well, did you hear like Putin did a conference and he's like, yeah, he had an interesting life and made a lot of bad decisions.

He's like, we're going to mourn for the loss. He's a great businessman, but he made some questionable choices. And you're just like, dude, you're saying it. We all know you're saying it. Everybody knows. you're saying it. Yeah, everybody knows. Everyone knows, bro. Everybody knows, bro.

All right, so let's launch into the stories. This story is from the Miami New Times. I read this and it felt fake. This felt fucking fake. Promoter peddles VIP tickets for Fyre Fest 2.0. Tom, do you want to watch the video? Oh, Lord, yes. I didn't think there was a video.

Oh, Tom, we're going to watch this video. So here we go. Oh, there's a video. Hold on, hold on. Can we go? Can we go? Can we do an expose? That's a lot of money.

Well, you don't have to get the super expensive tickets. That's a lot of money. It's $7,000, $8,000. No, that's for the most expensive ticket. Maybe not. No, they're in tears. Okay. They're in tears.

I want to be in tears. Yeah, I will be in tears. I want to go. Tom, when you hear this, you're in tears. Okay. They're in tears. I want to be in tears. Yeah, I will be in tears. I want to go. Tom, when you hear this, you're going to be like, there's no way I would ever send a man, this man, a penny of my money. I want to go. I'm sure this is real. So here we go.

This is legit. What's up, guys? This is a big day because as of right now, Fire Festival 2 tickets are officially on sale. It has been the absolute wildest journey to get here, and it really all started during the seventh month's stint in solitary confinement. I wrote out this 50-page plan of how it would take this overall interest and demand in FIRE, and how it would take my ability to bring people from

around the world together to make the impossible happen, but how it would find the best partners in the world to allow me to be me while executing FIRE's vision to the highest level? In my first year, I partnered with one of the biggest and best TV companies in the world to produce a documentary called After the Fire. I've also worked with one of the biggest production companies to sign a deal to produce FIRE Festival, the Broadway musical. And finally, today we are announcing FIRE Festival 2.

We spoke to people as far away as the middle east and south america and ultimately we decided that fire festival 2 is coming back to the caribbean we are targeting fire festival 2 for the end of next year in the meantime we'll be doing pop-ups and events across the world guys this is your chance to get in this is everything i've been working towards let's fucking go that's a spoof. It's got to be a spoof. Tom, this fucking whole thing. Can you imagine shitting this much privilege? I mean, seriously, right? Like you had enough privilege to do all this stuff

and you were clearly could walk in it. He had these dumbest ideas that never made money and he somehow kept on building on these dumb, dumb ideas. If you don't know who this guy is, Fire Festival guy originally came up with a dumb credit card idea

that was like a play, it wasn't just a credit card, it was like a, like a, a club where you could go and hang out with other rich people

who had like the credit card that you had. Yeah, you got like a, like a black metal club card. Yeah. And you got like access to like a super nice townhouse.

But you didn't though. That's the thing is like you actually didn't because a bunch of people tried it and they said they never got any of the perks that they suggested and that the credit card

didn't work. And it was just a, it was a nightmare, right? It was a scam. But this guy, this guy is exactly what privilege is, right? He goes to fucking prison

and then he sits down in prison and he writes his plan for when he goes to fucking prison and then he sits down in prison and he writes his plan for when he gets out of prison and then he sells his sad, sad privilege story to fucking Broadway producers who are going to make him money off his failure, man.

I have no idea, Cecil, if that's real, right? Like, I have no idea if anybody really optioned. You know what? Maybe not. But I don't put it past somebody. I don't put it past them either because like one it would be a fucking fire story like it real i will go see i will go see fire fest the musical or whatever and i'm sure i will laugh my fucking

dick off yeah watching that like and i know he'll get a residual from it and i'll feel a little weird about that but at the same time, he went to prison. He did go to prison. And I didn't go to prison. I'll go to Broadway. So like I'm winning here, you know? But genuinely, there's nothing more illustrative of privilege than this. Oh, a thousand percent. You know, there's a guy who's able to fuck up again and again and again, yet somehow he comes up on top. Why is that? Well, because he's a fucking rich, white, privileged little shit. Like, this is a guy who went to prison

for scamming people for the Fyre Fest, and in the middle of solitary confinement, he comes up with an idea for the sequel to Fyre Fest, which he's just branding Fyre Fest 2.0! How many pages did that take?

Well, like, you wrote a 500-page fucking memoir. And I love that he's like, yeah, and my ability to make the impossible happen. And it's like, the whole reason you went to jail is because you made

the impossible not happen. People showed up and there was no anything. Like, you and fucking Ja Rule just scammed everybody. It wasn't just that there wasn't anything. There wasn't, there wasn't a fucking,

there wasn't food. There was no food. There was no shelter. The stuff that they put up was an absolute joke. They were charging an obscene amount of money to go to this festival.

There was supposed to be like these like luxury like yurts for like glamping. It was like BYO tent. It was terrible. On like a, like a rocky, like outcrop with like no food.

People were given like a half a sandwich. Half a sandwich with a bottle of water. Oh God. It's so fucking funny. There's two documentaries that I watched. Yeah. One on Hulu, one on Netflix.

Yeah. They're both worth watching. I watched them both. And they are, it's a nightmare. Yeah nightmare to be part of this. And there's a Citation Needed on. Yeah, there's also a Citation Needed that probably used both of those.

I did use both of those, yeah. But genuinely, you know, in the Citation Needed, we talk, and they also, in the documentaries, they talk about this guy. He's just been a scammer his whole career. Yeah. And now he's doing it again. And he's able to do it now.

And he's able to make residual money off his shitty fucking fire festival. It's such a slap in the fucking face, man. It is, but Cecil. I know. I know. I'm going to watch it too. I'll see it. Here's the thing.

One, I want to go. I want to go because I think it would be a fucking riot. Bring your own water. B-Y-O-W, bro. I'm going to bring my own cheese sandwich. I'm going to bring like a fucking like backpacking Europe backpack. I'm it would be a fucking riot. Bring your own water. B-Y-O-W, bro. I'm going to bring my own cheese sandwich. I'm going to bring like a fucking like backpacking Europe backpack. I'm going to bring a yurt.

I'm going to set my yurt up in the audience. Fucking delicious. But like, I don't like blame the victim. I don't. I don't. I don't. But if you fall for Fyre Fest 2.0, I blame you. Man, you got to stay away from this guy.

But again, I think this guy plays on the ultra luxe VIP experience that I think a lot of people are sold in our culture and then a lot of people thirst for in our culture. And so he sells that to them and they want to buy it. They want to buy it. They want to buy it. They want it to be real. They want it to be true. They want this to be real more than their good sense tells them that this can't be.

Exactly. This feels like, did you ever, did you watch Parks and Recreation? Yeah, I did. Just feels like when Tommy was trying to sell that like snake juice,

that the snake juice alcohol and he's like, all right, I want you to like walk through the fucking VIP line. He's like, highend vip like it's just like trying to sell his own a lifestyle do you remember this episode and like he feels that obvious about it right like high-end vip luxury lifestyle like just buzzwords hashtag but man look at how easily he sold that to so many people. Look at how much money he made from that

because all he had to do was show, all he needed was a filmmaker to go out there and film some hot girls jumping off a fucking boat into beautiful water that literally probably wasn't even, I don't even think was near the island. I don't think it was either. And then get a bunch of influencers

to talk about it on their Instagram feed. Well, and like, I don't wanna go was either. And then get a bunch of influencers to talk about it on their Instagram feed. Well, and like, I don't want to go too far down the road, but that's like, this is also the problem with influencer culture, right? Is that none of that influencer stuff, none of it, it's all fake. All of that is made up and none of that should ever be trusted.

This is all a business model. All influencers are, is another Don Draper level advertisement, right? But we build what they do that's nefarious is they develop parasocial relationships with an audience. Then they leverage the parasocial relationship to build trust. And that's different than a newspaper ad. And that's different than a television ad because they don't have an emotional resonance with that stuff. Influencers are worse. They're just objectively worse. And the problem with a culture awash in influencers is you have people who are like, yeah, I trust that person. That

person feels like someone I love and trust and is a friend of mine because I've developed a parasocial bond with that person. And it's like, yeah, but they're leveraging that for their gain. They don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. They don't know you. This bond only goes one way. And very obviously, when it comes to this Fyre Festival, the people who all influenced it, none of them went. Yeah. They weren't going. They don't have any skin in this. They didn't care. They got paid money to talk about Fyre Festival on their Instagram feeds. And they did. And then that's the end of their relationship with the whole thing. And then after it blew up they're just like oh that sounds

terrible anyway who's gonna pay me for my next influencer right yeah i don't care what do i care wait it didn't didn't i got flown down to the caribbean and i got to swim with the fucking dolphins or whatever yeah you know that's it or wasn't it actually didn't they go to an island full of pigs they did there was an island full of pigs? They did. There was an island full of pigs. They got the fucking pigs drunk. Yeah. Well, then there was a part where they were like

running away from pigs. You guys, there's a Citation Needed episode on this. Go check it out. It's a lot of fun. All right. So this story comes from

NBCMiami.com. Wow. NBC. Manatee dies after, high intensity sexual behavior with his brother at Florida Aquarium. Cecil, you did the notes this week. I have, Tom, I want to let you know this ahead of time.

I have a manatee thing because there's another manatee story after this. Cecil, I used to want to go swimming with the manatees. Like manatees, I'm learning this today. to go swimming with the manatees. Like manatees, I'm learning this today. Manatees definitely fuck with such vigor that they're just like, yeah, it's just standard manatee fucking behavior. Manatee fucking can fuck you up.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Who would have thought? Like these fucking like grass eating sea cows are like, yeah, I'm plastic in the ocean, but I'm something else in bed. What? I'm rolling thunder, pouring rain.

There's another story too. that's also about manatees and it's florida cops stop stop narking on manatee orgies and so here's the picture i love this picture too they look so cute but genuinely they're saying no manatees getting a big fuck piles dude and they look like this They look like big ass fuck piles. And you just want to stay away from there? I don't care how sweet it looks. Don't go rolling into the manatee fuck pile. And evidently people are like calling the cops.

Like, hey, these manatees are in trouble. It's like when little kids see dogs fucking and they're like- Daddy's fighting mommy. Mom and dad are wrestling and dad's winning. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's exactly it.

That's exactly it. Stop hurting her. She wouldn't be yelling like that. But it genuinely, these people are worried. They're, they're like, no man,

what's happening. Something's wrong with these manatees. It's like, no, there's nothing wrong with these manatees. Let me explain. When one manatee. It's like, no, there's nothing wrong with these manatees. Let me explain. When one manatee loves another manatee very, very much. When one group of manatees loves another group of manatees,

they have a group of four. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love the cops. It's like, they're not hurt. Yeah. Very much the opposite. Here it is.

It's a Florida key party. Oh. Oh. the opposite here it is it's a florida key party oh speaking of fucking florida jesus christ tom the fuck kind of this is great tampa mayor the mayor of tampa went fishing caught a 70 pound block of cocaine 70 pounds of cocaine that is an intense amount of cocaine. You know, what's interesting is when she initially hauled it up, they thought it was 100 pounds of cocaine. But then when the police arrived later, it was 70 pounds of cocaine. And she was very excited about it, by the way.

Very, very excited about it. And so was Heath, who was next to her the whole time. Very excited about it. What would you do if you caught, like, if you were just, like, in the ocean, and you caught 70 fucking pounds of cocaine? What do you think I would do? I would put it back.

Would you? Fucking yeah, man. I don't want some, like, drug smuggler beef, like, following my boat. Oh, I guess that's true, yeah. Like, I'd be like, 70 pounds of coke,

I'd be like, man, fuck that shit. I'm such a fucking idiot, though. I would be like, ooh, the police probably want this. And I, fuck that shit. I'm such a fucking idiot though. I would be like, ooh, the police probably want this and I would take it in. I'm just an idiot. I would be like,

we're going home. I would immediately be like, I didn't see shit and I'm going home. I didn't see anything. I don't need some fucking submarine. I didn't see anything.

I didn't see anything holding your hands over your eyes the whole time. Absolutely. Drive the boat blind I don't need some fucking narco sub popping up next to my boat

you're 100 right i'm just naive i would 100 be like oh look at this cocaine i'm gonna call the guy what's in this package well golly i don't even like cocaine and i like i do know i'd be like i should keep some i don't even know why i like i don't even know why i don't even like cocaine but i'd be like i should keep some it's hard to get so i. I don't even know why. I don't even like cocaine, but I'd be like, I should keep some. It's hard to get, so I want it. There's a part of me that's like, man, could you just say,

I got a 70 pound block of it. That's got to be worth what? $70 at least. Here's the thing too. He's selling it for a buck a pound on the back here. Right? You got a fish scale. You're just pouring it on there. It's just not worth it. I sell it for a buck a pound on the back of your back. Right? You got a fish scale.

You're just pouring it on there. That shit's not worth it. Like, I wouldn't even know who to call. Yeah. Like, if I had, like, a 70 pounds of cocaine, like, I'd be like, yeah. And they'd be like, wait, what? Yeah. Like, I'm too stupid.

Like, I'm not connected to anybody. I'd be like, Noah. Noah. I'd have a sign at a rummage sale or whatever. I'd donate it to one of those drop-off boxes. And then I'd write it off on my taxes. I'd be too afraid to even like bring it in the boat. I'd be like, I'm going to bring it in the boat.

And the cops are going to come over to my boat. And they're going to think I'm like picking it up for a drug. I'm under surveillance. And the other thing though too is, I mean, this is a fucking very, very tightly wound package of something. Right. So my thought would be at the moment I'd see it, I'd be

like, what is this? A fucking bomb? Like, what is this? Yeah, right. Is it a body? Like, what is in there? Yeah. Because, you know, you pull out a 70 pound block of something, you think, what is that? A fucking half a torso in there what is that right yeah and so they had to open it up and then be like oh shit now i gotta call somebody you know whatever because it's not certainly not fucking anthrax yeah like is there

a finder's fee on that it'd be like it's worth a million dollars no i'll keep i'll let you guys have it they don't they don't give you your own fucking like battering ram to knock doors down you don't get like a fucking you don't get like the door prize you should get something

like they give you they give you one of those cars that they ride around in that they break yeah there you go one of those one of those tanks that Steven Seagal rode in

that's what they give you yeah see that would only be fair they give you like a like a AR-15 and a helmet there you go, kid. Alright, scroll to the bottom of this article because there's a line in the bottom of this article I want to read.

It's from The Guardian. Supermarket AI meal planner app suggests recipe that would create chlorine gas. I want to read chunks of this article because it's fucking great. This is great. A New Zealand supermarket experimenting with using AI to generate meal plans,

which I think is a great idea, by the way, has seen its app produce some unusual dishes, recommending consumers' recipes for deadly chlorine gas, poison bread sandwiches, and mosquito-repellent roast potatoes. Jesus Christ. The app, created by supermarket chain Pack and Save, was advertised as a way for customers, and this I think is good, to creatively use up leftovers during the cost of living

crisis. It asks users to enter in various ingredients in their homes and then auto-generates a meal plan or a recipe along with a cheery commentary. Can we stop here for a second? Yeah. Couldn't that just be done with a database though? Like, couldn't you just use like a regular

something that we know how it works, like a database instead of an algorithm? Couldn't you just use like a regular, something that we know how it works, like a database instead of an algorithm? Couldn't you just have like a really extensive database that goes through and checks and says, okay, they listed these three ingredients. Let me say this. Yes, probably. But that would probably be harder to build. One of the things about AI is it's real easy. Yeah.

To just stick it on something. To just stick it on something. Yeah. Yeah. So they probably just did this for expediency. I see. You know, but I love this. It initially drew attention on social media for some

unappealing recipes, including an Oreo vegetable stir-fry. That feels like something that only Eli Bosnick would eat. But who is going in and saying like, alright, look, here's the thing. I got wasabi and Oreos. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You're just fucking with it. And that's the thing. And that's okay.

This whole article is people fucking with it. This whole article is people fucking with it. When customers began experimenting with entering a wider range of household shopping list items into the app, however, it began to make even less appealing recommendations. One recipe it dubbed, but what I love about it, Cecil,

is that this thing names these things and then provides this like cheerful, sort of like breathless like food porn vocabulary. Sure, yeah. One recipe dubbed aromatic water mix would create chlorine gas. It would be aromatic.

The bot recommends the recipe as the perfect non-alcoholic beverage to quench your thirst and refresh your senses. Doesn't chlorine gas immediately kill you? I don't know if it kills you immediately, but it doesn't do any favors for you. I thought chlorine gas was the stuff they used in the...

In World War I. World War I, yeah. I don't know if it immediately, but like... It fucks you up. It fucks you up, yeah. Serve chilled and enjoy the refreshing fragrance, it says, but does not note that inhaling chlorine gas can cause lung damage or death.

New Zealand political commentator Liam Hare posted the recipe to Twitter, prompting other New Zealanders to experiment and share their results to social media. Recommendations included a bleach fresh breath mocktail, ant poison and glue sandwiches. Oh, Jesus Christ. Bleach infused rice surprise and methanol bliss, a kind of turpentine-flavored French toast. Nasty. I love the names, though. I know.

And the little descriptions and everything. Oh, I know, I know. That's the... And then I liked that the supermarket's like, oh, man, guys. Well, I mean, you sick the internet on it. I know. And I think the one thing that we underestimated was people's,

people's want and ability to troll. I think we underestimated that a long time ago. Yeah. And I think, you know, I was, I was reminded of America online this week. Uh, I'm doing a season liberally and I mentioned America online in the, in the actual season liberally that I'm doing a season liberally and I mentioned America online in the actual season liberally that I'm putting together. And it reminded me of being one of, to be honest, one of the first people I knew to be on the internet, right? I was one of the first people, I didn't know anybody else who was- None of your friends. None of my friends. We had at that point in my life, my brothers were both working and one of them had bought a computer.

He was into early computer games, talking like Doom and Wolfenstein and things like that. And he was into early computer games and he had a computer. It was an IBM PC. And he bought it with like, you know, working and he bought it and he was living at home. And so I had access to his PC.

Sure. And his PC was one of the first ones that they sold with a modem on it. And it came with a free disc of AOL. Well, AOL back then was like $20 a month. That was an expensive. That's expensive. It was like either 15 or 20. It was inordinately expensive.

And $15 back in like 1993, 1994, it was actually, I think it was 91, 92. It was very expensive, $15 a month. But it got you on the internet. It also, AOL sort of had their own message boards and they had chat rooms, right? So there would be these massive chat rooms where people would come in and they had all kinds of chat rooms where you could chat about all different kinds of things in real time with other people. And then they would even have role-playing chat rooms where you would role play. There was one I used to go to called Red Dragon Inn

when I was a kid. I was a high school kid and I would go there and it was a fake tavern where people would come in and describe what they were doing and all this stuff. It was a total nerdy thing for myself to do, but I loved it. I thought it was a fake tavern where people would come in and describe what they were doing and all this stuff. It was a total nerdy thing for myself to do, but I loved it. I thought it was so much fun, right? But I remember calling my friends up

and there's a point to this story and it's about trolling. I call my friends over and I'm like, hey, you guys want to come over and check it out? I'll show you guys. And as soon as I go into the tavern, they're like, tell that guy to go fuck himself. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to do that. They're like, tell him you'll fucking kill him. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to do that. They're like, tell him you'll fucking kill him. And I'm like, no, man, I'm not going to do that.

Like, what is wrong with you? And there was a part of me that was like, no, this culture that I'm involved in, that's rude. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that in real life. I certainly wouldn't do that here. But immediately, because there was a separation between them and the other things,

they immediately were like, fuck it up. Yeah. It needs to get fucked up. Fuck it up somehow. And it never occurred to me then, but it really does now reflect, I think a lot of people's ideas and how they react to internet culture

and the internet is, I don't fucking care what happens there. I want to treat this like the bad people in Westworld. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I totally agree. It's like, they've got this tool for the supermarkets. It's actually quite useful. If it worked, they'd be like, oh, I have some rice and some leftover chicken thighs, and I've got some, this other thing. And it'd be like, oh, here, you can make this quick meal, and I don't have to worry about meal planning for the night. I got other things to worry about, and this just took got some this other thing and be like oh here you can make this like quick meal and i don't have to worry about like meal planning for the night you know i got other things to worry about and this

just took that off my plate sure that's great there's a lot of value to that but like a hundred percent people are going to be like type in weird shit type your type type in dick yeah right yeah type in that you got a kitchen full of like lube cockroaches and ball hair. And you're just like, yeah. Cause like, I totally agree. Our desire to just go in and be like, well, what if we smash stuff when no one's looking? It's like, there's a Beavis and Butthead in like so many of us.

So many of us. So many of us. It just is like, if no one's looking, we'll burn it all down. I mean, I look back on that moment. I guess I had kind of forgotten about it, but I very much remember that moment where they were, that both my friends were like,

no man, fuck shit up. Like you need to fuck everything up here right now. And I think, you know, that's a real common response. Oh, absolutely. Because there's so much separation and there's no stakes. Well, there's no humanizing either, right? Like if you break something in a virtual space, it doesn't feel like anything got broken.

Yeah. Right? It doesn't feel like if I walked into your house and just, like, started smashing your belongings. Right? Yeah. Like, you're a person I know. But, like, yeah. I mean, and this is, like, reflected in other real world stuff.

Right? Like, if a house sits vacant for too long, people are going to break into that house and fuck that house up. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because we just need a little hint that something is a little less than human

and people want to attack it. And the online space is not fully human. Yeah. And that distance, I think it's important. I think like the distance plus the connection to humanity, those things together make us feel weird. Yeah. They make us feel like we should probably break this.

Yeah. We should just probably, I don't know what this is. Maybe it's our fucking, I don't know. It's, it's a defense mechanism. It's like the revenge of the uncanny Valley.

You know, every word of this is getting read. Right. This story doesn't make any sense, and this will leave you with more questions than it could possibly ask. It's a vice story. I was like, I read it,

and I was like, I don't understand what's happening. I read this twice. Okay. Because I thought I must have missed something. I must have missed it. I guess I didn't miss it either. Okay, Tom. Okay.

Flying aliens harassing village in Peru are actually illegal miners with jetpacks, cops say. Okay. All right. So if that headline didn't clear things up for you. I'm going to read this as seriously as I can. It's a very serious article. It's a very serious article, Tom.

The mysterious attacks began on July the 11th. The mysterious attacks began on July the 11th. Strange beings, locals said, visiting an isolated indigenous community in rural Peru at night, harassing its inhabitants and attempting to kidnap a 15-year-old girl. Everything about this, quote, these gentlemen are aliens.

Pardon me, madame. But do you have any alien poupon? They seem armored like the green goblin from Spider-Man. I have shot one twice and it didn't fall. Instead, it elevated and disappeared. We're frightened by what is happening in the community.

Quote, their color is silver. Their shoes are round in shape. And with those, they rise up. They float one meter high and have a red light on their heels, said Avila. Their heads are long. Their mask is long. And their eyes are sort of yellowish. Hold on a second.

Is there a picture? Then there's a picture that was shot by what? What, a cantaloupe? This isn't even a potato. What is this? What even is this picture? It feels like computer generated, but like back in the 80s. This is nothing. What is this picture? It feels like computer generated, but like back in the 80s. This is nothing.

What is this? Mothman? Yeah, that's nothing. That's nothing. This is nothing. We're looking, guys, we're looking at essentially smudges. These aren't anything.

There's no way to discern what that is. It's just light at night. Yeah, it's nothing. News of the alleged extraterrestrial attackers quickly spread online as believers, skeptics, and internet sleuths around the world analyzed grainy videos posted by members of the Iquitu community.

The reported sightings came on the heels of U.S. congressional hearings about unidentified aerial phenomenon that ignited a global conversation of idiots. That's my, about the possibility of extraterrestrial life visiting Earth. No, there's not. Members of the Peruvian Navy and police traveled to the isolated community,

which is located 10 hours by boat. But evidently they have internet, by the way, because they posted this. Oh, they might have 5G out there. Yeah, they might, you know. Which is located 10 hours by boat from the Minas provincial capital of Iquitos to investigate the strange disturbances in early August. Last week, authorities announced that they believed that the perpetrators were members of illegal gold mining gangs from Colombia and Brazil

using advanced flying technology to terrorize the community. Carlos Castro Quintanilla, the lead investigator in the case, said that 80% of illegal gold dredging in the region is located in the Nane River Basin, where the Quito community is located. One of the key pieces to the investigation was related to the attempted kidnapping of a 15-year-old girl on July the 29th. Christian Caleb Pacaya, a local teacher who witnessed the attack, said that they were using state-of-the-art technology, like thrusters that allow people to fly. He said that after looking the devices up on Google, he believed they were jetpacks.

Authorities have not made any arrests related to the attacks, nor named the alleged assailants or their organization directly. However, the prosecutor's office claimed they had destroyed 110 dredging operations and 10 illegal mining camps in the area. What the fuck would gold miners need with jetpacks? Cecil?

What would aliens need with jetpacks? What would... They're just like, well, it's gold miners need with jetpacks? What would aliens need with jetpacks? What would... They're just like, well, it's gold miners. And you're like, okay, they have jetpacks. Yeah, gold miners would need jetpacks. There's a lot of gold in the sky? Is it raining gold? Maybe they need to go between two water wheels and they have two different...

No, I'm just saying no to that. No, no. I'm just saying no to that. No, no. I'm flying back and forth. I hope it's an attack of old timey prospectors with jet packs. What the fuck is happening? Here's the thing, man.

It is a hundred. Everything. I know that there's all these people out there that want to say there's so much stuff that's unexplained. It's like, just cause you can't explain it doesn't mean it's unexplainable. You know what I mean? This is one of those moments, right? Just because you can't explain it doesn't mean it's unexplainable.

And people are right now thinking that that's what it is. Have you seen those jetpacks that those people fly on? Have you seen those new ones that they're using with their arms? No. Are they cool? I'll show you one. Why don't we have them? I don't know how much they cost.

That's the thing is too, I feel like they're pretty rare. I feel like they've got to be really expensive. And again, not very useful to gold mining. Gold mining seems like a shovel sort of a job, not a jet pack sort of a job. Custom jet suits.

Prices start from $380,000. That doesn't feel like they would have something like that. I feel like that's a little out of the range of miners in Peru dredging gold. You would definitely need to be mining a lot. And I feel like this,

it's like the old cocaine commercials, Tom, where you do cocaine so you could work more, so you could work more hours, so you could do more cocaine, so you could work more. Same thing. I bought a jet pack so I could fly faster to work, so I could do more work, so I could buy a jet pack, so I could fly faster to work. That's how it works. What in the shit explanation is, it's probably gold miners who are what, randomly harassing the villa? Look, I'm not saying it's aliens, but I'm saying your

alternative explanation is as nonsensical as the aliens. It might as well be aliens. But I'm saying your alternative explanation is as nonsensical as the aliens. It might as well be aliens. And I love that they have a video, guys, where it's like it's in the dark, it's in the jungle, right? And you can see off in the distance, there's some doings that transpire, but you can't really tell what's going on. And they're hooting and hollering and yelling at it, and you can hear gunshots.

And I'm like, this could be solved by searchlights. All you need is a brighter light. You just need some serious lumens here. Counterpoint, you get one of these jet suits. Now that I know these exist, jet suits are the solution to every problem. Jet suits are the solution. I want one of these jet suits.

I wonder how far you can go. It doesn't feel like you could go very far. From what I was reading, their range is relatively limited. And I saw a couple of these get posted several times on Reddit. And they say the comments are always, or the title of the post is always something like, these jet suits are going to revolutionize how we rescue people. And everyone in the first comment almost always is, no, they won't because helicopters are way more efficient and better. And there's no reason to ever send somebody up a mountain like this because they can't carry anybody down.

And they're also relatively short range. So both of those things play against it being useful for- Yeah. And I would think like the range dramatically shortens when you pick a second guy worth a weight. I don't even think you can. I mean, I think they're

not even built for that. Well, they gotta drop off a half a million dollar suit and be like, learn how to use it! It's like Iron Man where they just drop it out of the sky

and a guy just jumps in and flies away. No, but you know, I mean, I guess maybe you could throw a rope on a guy and just drag him or something. I feel like that might exacerbate the problem.

I feel like if that was the solution, you could have done that without the jump pad. Yeah, I mean, they could just roll. What do they need you for? Jump down! I'll catch you, don't worry! But the thing is is that I think when we see this new technology stuff, we automatically think, oh, it's going to be cool and revolutionary, and then

it doesn't do anything. Like the Segway. Do you remember the Segway? The Segway was going to revolutionize everything. The buzz around the Segway when it first came out. What was funny was, this was actually something back in the day when I was still listening to Art Bell.

So Art Bell was talking about it before it came out and said, there's a brand new technology that's coming out. I'm getting word. It's going to revolutionize how we move, how we, how anyone moves. It's going to revolutionize everything. And I remember him saying like the Segway, the Segway, blah, blah, blah. And then it came out and it was like, it's a novelty.

Yeah. It's literally a novelty. Yeah. Yeah. It's a toy. Like at this point, it's like, I see people on Segways all through my neighborhood all the time. The little ones that you control with your knees, they ride around and they

sell shit door to door. That's mostly what they use them for. It's like, I keep reading articles too that like, oh, the e-bike. The e-bike is going to change the way we commute. And I'm like, no, it's not. It rains all the time. It's cold all the time. Not here. It won't. But it's like,

these are such easy answers for the really comfortable parts of this country. Yeah. Like, oh yeah, in Southern California, you can take an e-bike to work. And it's like, yeah, in Southern California, you can do whatever you want. It's 75 degrees all the time. Go fuck yourself. You're not most of this country. Yeah. Most of this country, it's raining

right now, or it's boiling hot, or it's freezing cold. Sure. We had a conversation with Marsha a while back when we were talking about the 15-minute cities. Yeah. And we were saying, you know, that sort of thing

wouldn't exist in the Midwest because we can't walk across a city in the Midwest for at least four, maybe six months of the year. You wouldn't want to do it. You wouldn't want to do it. Yeah.

You certainly wouldn't want to do it today. Today was 100 degrees. You wouldn't do it today. Today was 100 degrees and the heat index was like a buck 20. You wouldn't do it today. No. You'd be like, index was like a buck 20. You wouldn't do it today.

No, no. You'd be like, I don't want to walk anywhere. I'm going to stay inside or hide in the shade. I see people on those e-bikes all the time and they look really comfortable and they look really cool. And people are like cruising at a nice clip with like barely any effort.

It looks like a lot of fun. And I bet it is a lot of fun. And I bet if you live in a super comfortable, temperate part of the country, you could be like, I don't know why everybody doesn't have an e-bike. Call me from St. Paul, Minnesota. Yeah.

For sure, man. For sure. What are you going to do with an e-bike? Shiver at it? Email it. Yeah. Oh, my God. Story, what is this? The story comes from AP News. A woman says she fractured her ankle when she

slipped on a slice of prosciutto and now she's suing. Well, it's not prostopo, it's prosciutto. So it makes sense, right? It makes sense that you would slide on it. I knew you'd have it. Of all the things to slide on, I'm really upset it's prosciutto because it's like, that's delicious. It seems like a waste of good prosciutto. Admittedly, there is a lot of fat content. I was actually reading a book recently that was talking about the different layers of prosciutto and how they're important to the whole. And it was talking about how, you know, the inside is overly salty.

So if you pull all the fat off of the prosciutto, the salt doesn't penetrate the fat. The salt only penetrates the meat. But if you pulled all the fat off it and you just ate the meat part, it would be very, very salty, overly salty, which is why you have to eat it as a whole. Oh, that makes sense. Together. To balance it. Yeah, to balance it. So you can't balance it.

Well, the problem with balancing when you step on it is you can't do it. Slide all over. Slip and slide. I want slide them on the bottom of your feet. You're just skating around. You're skating around the whole place. Everybody at Eataly is just got these things on the bottom of their feet. And they're just speed,

speed prosciuttoing across the ground. This story made me want to build a meat slip and slide. How much fun would a meat slip and slide? I'll tell you what. It's good for one use because after that, it smells real, real bad. A multi-user.

Invite all your friends out on a hot summer day. Hot summer day. Lay down slices of prosciutto across the tarp. Slide down your prosciutto tarp. Spray it down with your hose. Hey, guys. You stand up and you're covered in meat slips and slabs.

Oh, God. Yeah, she's fucking suing. I mean, she broke her fucking foot. She broke her foot. She's walking through your place. It'd be the same thing as if just somebody threw bananas on the ground or whatever. It's like ice if they spilled ice. I think we need a new cartoon trope where instead of banana peels,

it's prosciutto slices. Prosciutto slices. It's just... Someone's just... Someone's eating a sandwich and their prosciutto slice slowly drips down like a feather. Yeah.

Like a feather as it flows to the ground because it's sliced so thin and then somebody just like, whoop, boom. I'll gladly pay you Thursday for a slice of prosciutto today. I got to show this picture of these bears, Tom. I got to play a video. So, Tom, I'm going to play

you a video of these bears. Let me play you a video of these bears because they so look like people. They're called sun bears and I got to play this. A zoo in eastern China is trying to reassure visitors their sun bears are not people dressed in costumes.

Rumors and conspiracy theories have been swirling on social media. It looks like a fucking person in a bear costume. Guys, it does. It's standing straight up. It's standing straight up. Just straight up. And not tilted forward. Like most bears, when they stand up,

they don't look like they are naturally just standing. This looks 100% like a person standing upright. And it like weirdly looks like its skin is stretched across a person frame. Yeah, it very much does. It really does.

It very much does. And it's like gesturing like, I don't know why I'm here. I'm a fucking Chinese dissident. It's going to start waving. It's going to start waving and 100% looks like a person. Video of a sun bear

standing on its hind legs looking uncannily human and appearing to wave at the crowd. Its fur appears loose and wrinkled in places almost like an ill-fitting bear suit. Sun bears are the world's smallest bear species, and the zoo insists people just don't understand their behavior. They 100% look like people in bear suits. They very much. They just do. Can you imagine, Cecil, you're a zoologist,

and you're like, you know, it's a bear. God damn it. God damn it, everybody. The worst part about that article is they don't show you what a sun bear looks like. I had to search for it. You had to search for it. I had to search for it.

I couldn't find it on the actual article. I had to show, I had to like find that video that I showed you today. But genuinely, you know, there are some creatures once in a while that do something

and they have that very human-esque sort of look to them and it freaks people out. It very much freaks. Because it's odd, man. It's super uncanny. It's crazy.

Like, I don't like those sun bears. Like, I'm zero, zero out of 10 on sun bears. Zero out of 10 on sun bears. Also, many different types of monkeys and apes do some very human-like shit too. And they shouldn't. They just shouldn't.

They shouldn't. We should stop them. Have you ever seen the monkeys watching people do magic tricks through the glass? No. Search for this. People will do magic tricks for a monkey or a baboon or whatever I don't know different species of

ape or primate of some kind and they will do a magic trick for them and then they will do this and almost every time they do the BJ and the bear like it's the funniest shit ever there's other times where people will bring their their like newborn

over and the, the primate will pat to like pat where it is, like pat the newborn. They want to see it. They'll like wave to it and be like, I want to see that bring that over here. I want to see your baby sort of thing. So there's some like kind of adorable stuff. They probably want to eat it, but there's some adorable stuff they do too. But like, you should check it out. Like, see if you could find those those primates getting fooled by magic tricks

it's really funny to see them just react because they react very humanly like people would yeah right like a person where'd that fucking quarter go

it's behind my ear it's hilarious dude fucking here we go again this is from NPR monster hunters are conducting the largest search of Loch Ness in more than 50 years. I was just at Loch Ness.

I was just there. You went to Loch Ness? I went to Loch Ness very recently. How big is the loch? So you can see across the lake. It's not a big loch, man. So it's not big wide. It's big long. Okay. So it's maybe about as wide as, you know, like,

it's probably like two or three times as wide as like some of the bigger rivers around here. Okay. It's not really wide. You know, like, you know the Kankakee River. Yeah, sure. It's probably about four or five times as wide as the Kankakee River. Oh, okay.

So not really big. But it just, it's just. It just happens to be super long. It's very, very long. It stretches miles and miles and miles. It's just a big gash that is 750 feet deep. That's deep as fuck. It's supposed to be really cold too.

So like the top of the water stays normal temperature, like it's warm or whatever in the summer. But if you go any deeper, it's super, super cold. That makes sense. Yeah, right. Because warm or whatever in the summer. But if you go any deeper, it's super, super cold. That makes sense. Yeah. Right. Because it gets cold in the winter and it retains that chill. I was actually, there's a castle right on, castle ruins, right on the lake. And there's a cool thing. If you ever go there, there's a cool, you sit down and watch a movie about this castle.

Okay. And then, and then you get to go outside and see this castle in its ruins. And it's really neat to see that, you know, the castle as it's depicted and then the castle ruins that are left. That's really cool. And it's right along the river or not along the river. I call it a river because it looks And it's right along the river, or not along the river.

I call it a river because it looks like a river, right along the lake. And they do tours on the lake. And I got a chance to sort of hang out there. I drank a scotch sitting there and watching it and stuff. That's cool. We went there specifically because we wanted to get a picture in front of it. Yeah, right. Because it's goofy and whatever. But we were right there.

But yeah, there's still people there who still go out on these big boats and they still look for this stuff this was a hoax back then and it was it was shown to be a hoax i know and here we are like well maybe if you look look there's no fucking monsters in the lake why would there be what would it eat how would it have a breeding popular like none of the like basic biology questions have ever been like they've all been conclusively been like that can't be a thing can't happen it just can't be a thing and everyone's like yeah but there's a grainy photo from back before cameras were real yeah and you're like yeah all right but now like every cell phone has a better camera

than every camera and there's not anything like that there's literally nothing that was fake it was literally faked. I love how... And I'm talking about this photo, by the way. If you're unfamiliar and you're watching, it literally just looks like maybe a finger sticking out of the water or something. People say it looks like the neck of some type of dinosaur. Right, yeah. I will never stop being amused

how as soon as 320 million high-definition cameras were put into the hands of every person, all of a sudden, there's no more ghosts. I know, there's no more ghosts. There's no more fucking Bigfoots.

But that's not true, though, because there's plenty of people out there doing fake shit, right? Yeah, right, right. So once in a while, my wife will watch a show where people send in their ghost clips

and then they'll get a bunch of jokers to talk about them because they're all these plenty of people online are professional ghost hunters or whatever

I've got the wrong job I gotta work for a fucking company I don't know how much money they're making but I'm recently unemployed and so maybe I could do some of this stuff but seriously

they go they bill themselves and then they get on these shows and they have these podcasts, these story podcasts or whatever. And so they'll come on and talk about these clips that they see. And so they'll go into a basement. And as they walk into a basement, a beach ball or something or a fucking spool of wire will cross. Sure. And they've got a camera with them.

And so they immediately run away and nobody investigates anything. Sure. And they've got a camera with them. And so they immediately run away and nobody investigates anything and they immediately run away. And then all these people come on and then they speculate about what it was. Oh, you don't want to go into basements because basements are known to harbor spirits because the spirits always try to go below

where the storm comes. And so if the storm comes in, they know it's- No, I'm making up. I was going to say. I'm making up. They like to be in the basement because it's like 67 degrees. Yeah, they like it. It's kind of like perfect out there. It's like making, I'm making, they like to be in the basement. Cause it's like 67 degrees.

It's kind of like, yeah, it's like, it's nice. And they like to be by, but seriously, it's, it's,

it's, it's not, they, they, they say nonsense. They say nothing. And then they say it as if it's true. And they do it over and over and over again.

And these, and, but nobody's ever walked in there to be like, okay, well that thing moved. Well, what moved it? Right.

Nobody goes over and picks it up. Nobody drives. There's a guy in another room with a fucking thing who's pulling it to him. Yeah, right. It's jerky and it's pulling. It's unbelievable how easy it is to debunk this, but nobody ever tries. But because the point of those shows is not to debunk, it's to bunk. Yeah.

It's to create bunk. Yeah. But like, here's what I think we should do. You and I should become ghost hunters. But I think we should become ghost hunters. Like, we should go in heavily armed. Like, we're going to fuck shit up. And like, we should leave every house that we ghost hunt

tore up like the Slimer scene from Ghostbusters 1. In shambles. Just like- Everybody's in shambles. Just like. Everybody's in shambles. Just blasting holes through the walls. Yeah. Just shut the door like the ballroom for Slimer. And just blow the shit out of their house.

Yeah. And walk out and be like, we got that motherfucker. And just like leave them to the wreckage. And then it just falls over. And then you throw your invoice at them and walk away. Yeah, no, man. We take credit cards. These people are, they just make money. Because you basically are playing to a group of people who want to see this.

They want to see a ghost. And they want to hear what this person has to say. Everybody says the same stuff. It's always the same thing. Like, oh, a ghost is disturbed. And so it needs to, it always travels in the same little circle just because it's disturbed and it's out of its cycle or whatever.

And they all have their theory and they just say their theory over and over again. If we do the ghost hunting idea, I'm not letting this go. If we do the ghost hunting idea, we need to open an office. And in that office, we need to have a whole bunch of mounted ghost heads

that are just the wood. 100%. And then we want to be like, whoa of mounted ghost heads that are just the wood. 100%. And then we want to be like, whoa, whoa. Step a little back from that one. It still bites. It's still crazy. And see who pretends they can see it. I think this is a great idea.

This would be the best. I think this is a great idea. The best. I also feel like we have to travel to the place in our own, whatever vehicle it has, each vehicle, we each have to have a vehicle, but they have to be like an excavator or a backhoe or something like that. So we have to travel there in one of those,

but it has to be green. It has to be painted green, like Acto 1 or whatever. I love it. You know what I mean? Yes. But it has to be like a skid steer or something. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Or a bulldozer. So it's just like, we're here. Yeah, I'm here. We are fucking here.

We're going to hunt this fucking dog. And I just drive right in their housedozer. So it's just like, we're here. Yeah, I'm here. We are fucking here. We're going to hunt this fucking dog. And I just drive right in their house. And then when it's all done, just light some sage over it. Like over the smoking ruins of their family photos. Yeah, you have a backhoe that's just filled with sage that's burning and you're throwing it everywhere. Got him.

We got him, that motherfucker. I'll tell you what, man. If you could easily, there's people in every city that run ghost tours. I know. And they just, I'm sure they make half of that stuff up. I went on one in Galena. Did you?

Yeah, Haley and I went on one in Galena. How was it? It was goofy dumb. It was just like a thing. Like at one point they did the, they put the thing in the center of the room. I don't remember. It was like EMF or something. And it was like.

And you know, they tell you a ghost story or whatever and everybody's like, you know, and like, I'm just giggling in the corner. I went to, Sarah and I stayed in the mansion that inspired The Shining. So the mansion is in

Estes Park, Colorado and it's a hotel. And now I'm blanking on the name. It's not the Overlook. Stanley. Stanley Hotel. And so we stayed in the Stanley Hotel, which inspired him to write The Shining.

And it's a nice hotel. It's pretty. It's one of these older sort of Victorian type hotels. No fucking air conditioning. It was hot. And it was just fucking burning up. And you open the windows and nothing happened. And I was like, this is the worst place to stay. I paid an exorbitant amount of money to go there. And it was fucking too hot to sleep. And I was, I was angry

the whole time. I was like this, the reason why somebody fucking chop somebody to bits in this hotel is because there's no air conditioning. That's why. But we are, we went on their tour and their tour is the Stephen King tour. So to tell you about it, but then they also tell you about the people who died in the hotel. So they're talking about all the people who died. And we're with about 15 people walking around this hotel

and we're talking about stuff. And he's like, and this used to be a room, but now it's been turned into like a room and this closet. And this closet is where a baby died or something like that, a baby or a kid or something died because it was part of a room at one point and the kid died in the back room or whatever.

And sometimes people can hear him cry. And one of these idiots that I was with was like, I just heard him cry just now. Oh my God, oh my God. Get the fuck out of here. Fuck, I love people like that. But genuinely, everybody in the whole, they were rapt attention.

And I'm just like, God, this is the stupidest shit I've ever heard. But they got a whole spiel. They have a whole story. And we wound everybody in the whole, they were rapt attention. And I'm just like, God, this is the stupidest shit I've ever heard here. But they got a whole spiel. They have a whole story. And we wound up in the basement. And I remember them saying, if any of you want to do any kind of, if any of you guys want to talk to a psychic,

this is a psychic. You can always call this number from the hotel. And the number was a 900 number. Fuck you. Not kidding. It was a 900 number. But, you know, they get people to come to the hotel. Was it Miss Cleo?

I don't think it was. I mean, if it was, then it was a 900 number. But, you know, they get people to come to them. Was it Miss Cleo? I don't think it was. I mean, if it was, then it was a ghost story. But they get people to show up and they get people to do that. But the money that they make off of that, there's one in Chicago. There's one in every city you visit. There's the most haunted in wherever. There's one in every city you visit.

There's somebody who's walking around telling a ghost story. Yeah, absolutely. there's somebody who's walking around telling a ghost story. Yeah, absolutely. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We'll see you Monday. Hopefully, maybe there's a new indictment. Who knows?

We don't know. But we'll catch you Monday with another show. But we're going to leave you like we always do with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo

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