Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 719: Tortoise and the Bear

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

 

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chic and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat. Today is whatever day you're listening to this at. I don't know. I can't keep track of this shit anymore. The problem is it jumps a month. It

jumps a month. And if it jumps a month, it'll be, I think it should be releasing. I have to get out a calendar. It's releasing, I think, on the 2nd of, no, pardon me, not the 2nd, the 5th of October. We need to get a calendar. Today is the 5th of October and a tortoise escaped from Pennsylvania Vet Clinic not once, not twice, three times. A one, a two,

a three. I love this story. Because it wanted to get to the bottom of how many licks there is at the bottom of the fucking titsy robot.

It's still on the loose. It's like that guy who humped his way up over the fucking gate that guy and he was just gone for like a week

he's just running around and they got the fucking they got the guy who's like I want every outhouse doghouse cockhouse

asshouse I want them all they got that guy out there and he's and they still he's still running fugitive

running circles around him. And then they finally catch him. This turtle is still. This turtle is still at large. Still going. He's still going. How do you lose a fucking tortoise?

Well, it's going to get to the end before the hair. That's for sure. No matter how you got it. Can you imagine boarding your dog at this vet clinic? And you're like, you can't keep track of a fucking turtle. Wouldn't it be amazing though? I have a border collar. Wouldn't it be amazing though if you clinic. And you're like, you can't keep track of a fucking turtle. Wouldn't it be amazing though? I have a border collar. Wouldn't it be amazing though,

if you come back and they're like, sorry, your dog was riding the turtle. Can you imagine if it was your turtle? And they're like, yeah, here's the thing. It's really kind of awkward.

He escaped. Your turtle, very fast. I only turned my back for four hours and he was gone. turtle, very fast. I only turned my back for four hours and he was gone. Very, very quick. Why do you lose a tortoise?

It's not that he's quick, he's just crafty. He just jukes real well. He's thinking the turtle's going away. It's like, whoa, he's going another way. That turtle's just moving.

The thing is, they couldn't find him because then he was floating over a river. He had a scorpion on his back and it was like a whole thing. And when you find him, you have to jump on him and you shoot his shell. Maybe it was one of those. Maybe at the wings. Yeah, the wings. The wings.

The koopa. Okay. There you go. So there you go. Now it all makes sense now. Yeah. All makes sense now is I'm jumping in the air and shit. Now it all makes sense now. Yeah. All makes sense now is I'll jump it in the air and shit.

Now we know how he got over the fence. For the third time. You can't like tortoise proof your fucking vet clinic. What do you have to do to tortoise proof something? I don't know, man. Close the door slowly?

Really slowly. What the fuck? It's a tortoise. And now people are going to write in and be like, actually, they could be surprisingly, no, they can't.

No, man. No. No. It's the Chevy Spark of animals. You know what I mean? It doesn't do anything quickly. The tortoise. The Chevy Spark of animals. They're so mad. There's so many tortoises typing so slowly right now, Tom.

You insulted me. We're going to get a fucking email from somebody. Hey, I got a Chevy Spark. Yeah, all right. Drive over here. I'll wait. It's called a spark. It only takes one to blow it up.

All right. This is, I'm just reading this whole thing. Well, it's short. First of all, this comes from the Manichi, Japan's national daily since 1922. I don't know. Right. All right. I was going to say it was called the Mankini, but that's fine.

All right, guys, from the Mankini. I was going to say it was called the Mankini, but that's fine. Okay, it's from the Mankini. Police warn of 20 naked, garter-wearing men spotted in Fukuoka. Fukuoka? I don't know how this is pronounced. I wasn't trying to pronounce it Fukuoka. But now.

Fukuoka? But now it's a thing. Okay. All right. In Pupukaka suburb or whatever. I don't know how it's Fukuoka. Fukuoka, I'm going to say. Sure. All right. In Pupu Kaka suburb or whatever. I don't know how that's... Fukuoka. Fukuoka, I'm going to say. Sure.

All right. So police in Fukuoka Prefecture on September the 24th issued a prefecture-wide email warning regarding a group of suspicious men. I love that the police just email everyone in town. I love it. Just send out a quick send out an email bulletin. All right. Distribution list. Two.

The whole fucking prefecture. Three dudes naked with garters. quick send out an email bulletin distribution list two the whole fucking prefecture re dudes naked with garters regarding a group of suspicious men wearing a skimpy item of lingerie

or nothing at all seen in the city of Koga the previous day nothing at all do you think that's what made them suspicious

or is something else suspicious they were like kind of hiding behind something and their eyes were leaning out like the neighborhood watch sign or something. They're just kind of leaning over.

Is there ever a time that 20 naked dudes wearing lingerie isn't suspicious? It feels suspicious to me. That's always suspicious. Okay, so there's a murder of crows. What do you call

20 dudes? A garter of naked guys. It's a garter. It's a gar do you call 20 dudes? A garter of naked guys. It's a garter. It's a garter of dudes. It's a garter of naked dudes. According to Fukuoka Prefectural Police's Kasua Police Station and the Crime Prevention Email, about 10 of the men were completely naked

and about 10 were wearing garter belts. They were playing garters versus skins, Cecil. They were playing basketball with their Magic Johnsons hanging out. There's a lot of dribbling going on. They're just out there. Here we go. Oh, man.

Between the legs. Oh, God. Oh, that was a bad call. Where is he spinning the ball? That's weird. Dude, crazy. This station, this is my call. Where is he spinning the ball? That's weird. Dude, crazy. The station, this is my favorite. This is their advice.

This feels like peak Japan from when we were covering the show. The station is advising residents to take personal safety measures such as shouting loudly if they spot suspicious people. And all the Japanese people are horrified

because they would never do that. They're like, how dare you? Right? I won't disturb the peace even to save myself from 20 guarded, gartered naked men.

I have no idea what the fuck I would do if I was just like doing literally anything. I don't care. Like going to the grocery store, going to get the mail, walking out my driveway

and looking at my ring cam, you know, whatever. And there's just a dozen and a half plus two naked dudes fucking free-balling. Have you ever seen

a naked person in public ever? No, never. Have you? Never in public. I have seen a naked person. What? Was it you?

No. So, I think it was someone who was having an attack. Oh, no. They were having some sort of episode. Yeah, breakdown. They were like, but they were was having an attack. Oh no. They were having some sort of episode. Yeah, breakdown.

They were like, but they were like a little kid. Oh, I've seen a little kid. Not like a little, little kid. This is like a tween or a teen. That sounded weird when I was like, I've seen a little kid. A teen-ish age, tall,

like tall kid who was completely naked. I was at a bowling alley of all places. That is so weird. And I was by the arc. So I, throughout my, all my childhood. Were you in their bad dream per chance? It's possible. It's very possible. It's very possible. I was the guy in their dream. They were naked and I was the club. Why are you naked? Now they have to take a math test. Did they lock, did they accidentally forget their locker combination? No, but I was, throughout all my childhood and, you know, young adult life, whenever my friends

wanted to go places, very often, I'm like not as social, right? So, they were always very social guys and I was not as social. I've just always been that way. And so, when they would go places to do the social things, to meet other people, I would very often go to like a video game and like play a video game. Sure. Like that's the kind of what I would do. So with the pool hall where they would go to play pool and then talk to the table next to them and then, you know, whatever. Yeah, meet girls. I would most of the time just be like, I'll be over at Mortal Kombat and I just like play all night on that.

You'd be finishing them. And go do that. And then I'd do the same thing at the bowling alley. Because again, the bowling alley is sort of set up so that you're, it's a social place where you talk to the people most of the time,

at least during the times where we would go where the same ages of people would be there. So you would look and talk to those people. And I would, of course, come back.

I wasn't totally antisocial, but I would lots of times just be bored. I'd be sitting there. I don't want to play. I don't want to bowl. I'm going to go play. So I was by the video games.

Long story short, I'm by the video games. And there's a kid who's like buck ass naked. What the what? I'm at this point, maybe 18, 19. And this kid's maybe 15, 14. So young, younger, but not so young. Not a kid. I was a

kid too at the time, but a kid. And he just like runs by. And then I see his mom running after him with a towel to like cover him up. I don't know if he was there and just had an episode and took all his clothes off, but I have seen one person naked in person one time. So the other day, this reminded me,

just maybe two, three weeks ago, I was driving home from the bike trail. So I drive my car to this southern trailhead that's in this town center. And there's a whole bunch of parking spaces for people that are going to go walk the trail or bike the trail. And it's by this big park area. And so there's a lot of families and kids and stuff. And seriously, two or three weeks ago the other day, standing at the corner,

getting ready to cross the street, walking toward the park, there's a presumably, I hope, a dad holding a kid's hand. The kid's maybe three, and they're waiting for traffic so they can walk across the street, and the kid's buck-ass naked.

And I don't know what the story is there. Like, I don't know if the kid, like... He had to get out or something. Shit himself or something. Nobody takes somebody like that. But he was just standing there holding his kid's hand at a stop sign waiting to cross the street

and the kid was just buck-ass naked. It was weird, man. So, here's the other thing, too. Like, I've been at, like, social functions with people and like little kids have been naked and like running around. And that's weird to me.

It is super weird. Like they had a pool at somebody's house, like one of those little kiddie pools. And there was a bunch of kids and they all just got naked and jumped in. They were all cousins or whatever. But I'm an adult and I'm there. And I'm like, I don't want to see

your naked six-year-old like running around in a, and maybe that's just me, right? Maybe it's something wrong with me. I don't know. But for me, a child-free person to be around naked children is uncomfortable. It's weird because I'm not a guy who's around children ever. Right. Much less naked kids. So let alone naked children. It's very uncomfortable. When I was, I was camping once in Pennsylvania and the place that I was camping at had these natural water slides that were like, you know, the river like cut through this limestone or whatever.

And so they were really smooth. And so you could get in the water and like, like ride them like a, like a water slide. And so I was there and there was like a family that was there and the kids were swimming and going in these pools and stuff. They weren't going out on water slidey things. But they were swimming in these pool areas and the kids were just naked

and it was a public space and there was like lots of people around. That's strange. And I was like, yeah man that felt weird. I was like, I don't know you. You don't know me. Why is your fucking kid got his fucking pants off? That's weird. Put your pants on her.

Bring a swimsuit. Like, did you? That's weird to me. That's weird to me. You had a hike to get here. This didn't surprise you. You didn't come across this by chance. Yeah.

It was weird, man. Yeah, it's very strange. But I would shout. I would shout too. I would shout. If I saw a garter of naked men. If I saw 20 naked strange. But I would shout. I would shout, too. I would shout if I saw a garter of naked men. If I saw 120 naked guys, I would definitely shout. I would shout.

Especially if half of them were dressed up like Rocky Horror Picture or whatever the fuck was going on. All right, this story is from ABC7 Eyewitness News. That's local. Shirtless suspect leads LA police on bizarre slow speed chase in golf cart with dog in lap. And there's video. All right. So we're going to watch the video. I'm not going to play the sound.

We're just going to play the video. And Tom and I are going to describe. So what you're seeing is an actual camera phone or a camera pointed at a guy who's just driving down in the middle of the road. He's got police chasing him. You could see the flashing lights. He's got the dog in his lap and the dog is just loving life. And he's steering with one hand.

He's steering with one hand. They try to throw the spike strap underneath him and he drives at the people. They try to throw it and they fucked it up. They messed up. They didn't actually throw the spike trap underneath the tires. And then they finally apprehend him

and they take the dog and the dog was a good boy. So the dog was a very good boy. eight, 10 out of 10 for the dog. Uh, but the dude, uh, zero out of 10 for putting the dog in danger. That's all I'm saying. How do you think, what is going through your head that you're like, I bet I can outrun him in this golf cart. It's 19 miles an hour, 19 miles an hour. 19 miles an hour. Now, granted, I can't run 19 miles an hour. But I can idle a car at 19 miles an hour.

When the police show up in a car, you're pretty much boned. I think, like, I'm happy because here's the thing, man. Almost 100% of the time, cops walk in and shoot a fucking dog. I know. I am super happy that they took this guy without running him off the road,

smashing him, and shooting the dog. 100%, dude. Because, man, all of those things could have happened where they literally, because they, we're talking,

we're going to do a pit maneuver. We're talking, that woman, the pregnant woman, going over a bridge, didn't even have time to pull over because there's no shoulder and she got pitted on a bridge, man. A pregnant woman going over a bridge didn't even have time to pull over because there's no shoulder and she got pitted on a bridge man yeah a pregnant so like the cops being under

zealous for once yeah man that's a fucking heaven that's from heaven that is manna from heaven i will you're you're 100 having a silly story where the cops just look like keystone cops and they didn't like pull their gun out and shoot him and they didn't like try to choke the guy or kill him or tase his balls and then they didn't like

shoot the fucking dog because that happened so often man so much there's so many there's so many

stories of dogs just like happy dogs that are not menacing just getting murdered by the police

because they just they're fucking psychopaths sometimes with guns because there's nothing, there's nothing stopping a psychopath

from getting that job. Nothing at all. Nothing at all. It's crazy to me that like, that shit, that makes me, it makes me so incensed

every time I hear a story like that. Just thinking of your pet getting killed like that is just so, just infuriating and they just get away with it. They just 100% get away with it. And a lot of times, like I like that is just so just infuriating and they just get away with it they just a hundred percent get away and a lot of times like i know this is the funny show but like a lot of times that happens and then it's like okay well you know nothing to see here and

they let you go they let you go and you're just like what the fuck man you came in here and you fucking put a bullet in my buddy yeah like what this is the good this is the funny show but like it's it's fucked up So yeah, having a thing where the guy runs away from the cops with his fucking puppy on his lap and the cops run around and then the guy didn't even look beat up. The guy looked fine. The guy looked fine. I know he's white, but that's

probably because he's white. But still, he looked fine. He's also in a golf cart so they thought he was affluent. We don't want to fuck this guy up. We'll get sued or whatever. Pension will lose some money. What a weird story that guy has. I know.

Okay, so I got a little drunk. I got a little high. That is 100% straight out of Grand Theft Auto. It is. He's like, you know what? I did hijack this car, but I'm going to switch it real quick in the options to turn it into the golf cart and drive around in it.

This story comes from Greek reporter, heard of sheep eat 100 kilograms of cannabis in Greece. You know what they did with them right afterwards? They shipped them to New York to sell them at that restaurant that Noah goes to. He'd have lamb chops laced with THC or whatever. What happens Cecil when your food gets the munchies? They just keep eating and eating and eating.

This is an interesting question. Now, I know for cannabis, just eating the plant itself is not where the THC is concentrated. So it's in the buds of the plant. So it's the things that are going to be the reproductive portion of the plant is where I think that most of the THC is concentrated, right? So it's like in the buds of the plant. So it's the things that are going to be the reproductive portion of the plant is where I think that most of the THC is concentrated.

So let's just say that they had a whole bushel of just buds and they ate them. Would that lace the meat with THC? I don't know.

Would you if you ate it? Like, let's just say it's apocalypse and you had to eat Noah. Would he get you high is what I'm asking. If you crushed Noah up and you smoked him. You could snort Noah. Are you kidding me? Noah?

Would you get high if you crushed Noah up and then snorted him? That's my question. I don't know. I'm leaning towards yeah. I don't know. Could you have mutton edibles? First off, I want mutton flavored edibles. And then you put like, you mix them with like a mint one.

So you take a mutton one and then you take a mint one. And it's like when you eat like, you mix them with like a mint one. So you take a mutton one and then you take a mint one. And it's like when you eat like two jelly beans and they make a flavor or whatever. Right, right. Oh, I got strawberry lemonade. And then you like, you take mutton and yogurt and bread

and you have like a gyro. I've got this whole savory situation covered. Oh man, oh man so good what the fuck yeah but evidently they had some really like it's not a super funny story

because like they had bad floods and they lost a bunch of vegetation and so they they wandered into an area and just ate a bunch of cannabis

because that was what was available to them to eat but yeah I don't know and they said that they got high off it though. They did say that they got high off of it. I mean, I've had,

everybody's had that shitheld friend who has like ripped a bong and like blown it at their cat or dog and gotten their dog high. So I know like a lot of other animals have cannabinoid receptors in their brains and can get high. So that's not surprising.

It's just, dude, that's a lot of fucking weed, man. That's a lot of weed. That's 224 pounds of weed. I wonder if they were afraid to call the delivery man. Hard relate, Ken. Hard relate. Because it felt like you ate about 200 pounds of it when you were afraid to call the delivery man.

Oh, yeah, man. I had 30 milligrams. 30 milligrams of THC in a gummies, in gummies, spaced with like an hour. Yeah. And I never want that experience again. Yeah. Like never. The next time I have that experience

will be two, no. I had to, Sarah is notoriously bad at edibles too. She does, when she does edibles, she's done it a couple of times. She always does what you do, which is you take an edible,

then you don't feel anything until you take another and then you don't feel anything and you take another. And then you don't feel anything and you take a third one and the first one starts to kick in. Right. And then you're fucked. And so then you're like, okay.

And then there's like a, where you're like, well, this is all right. And then you're like, but this isn't. And it starts getting to be not. And I had to like basically carry Sarah inside from a party one time because she took, there were brownies I think that she brought with.

I've gotten. Had some of that. And it was just really intense. Too much. Yeah, really intense. And so, that's happened a couple times

where it's, you know, just, it's just hard to regulate. It's just hard. You gotta, what you gotta do is you just gotta be like,

I'm doing this. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Yeah. That's it. That's exactly right. This is it. This is what I'm doing,

period. That's it. Yep. And you just gotta, you gotta be able to stick to it. Yeah. The problem, doing, period. That's it. Yep. And you just got to be able to stick to it. Yeah. The problem I have, it's funny because I didn't know anything about, I'm not a pot guy at all. And like my buddy Matt was hanging out with us once.

And so it was like my buddy Matt and my buddy TJ and myself. And I don't remember who had it or how we got it. But he had like this chocolate bar. So think of like a Hershey's chocolate bar segmented into those pieces. And every piece was like a dose. And Matt ate the whole chocolate bar. What?

Because he didn't know. We didn't know. We didn't know anything about this. Because it was before it was legal here, before there's dispensaries. What happened to him? He was insanely fucked up. Like he was,

and like to the point where like he wasn't having fun and we didn't think it was funny either. He was just miserable and we could tell he was miserable. And like, I didn't carry him, but like I guided him. He was staying in my house.

I guided him up the stairs. He couldn't figure out how to work the doorknob. I mean, legitimately. Like I had to like pour this grown ass man into bed and make sure he was all right. Like that dude was like beside himself, beside himself. How long does it take to wear off? I don't know. He had to go home on a flight the next day and he was fucked up in the airport. Like he was better. But the next day he was still texting me. He's like, dude,

I am still fucked up on this flight. So like, yeah, he got like unpleasant. That stuff can get like real unpleasant, real fast. He ate the whole candy bar. And we thought we were like, oh, let's How many doses was it? Like 20? I think it was like I don't know. I don't even know. I don't remember. It was more than 12. So a regular Hershey's nowadays, they're

split up into 16 segments. So it could have been 16 doses. I don't know. Like maybe he been 16 doses. I don't know. Maybe he took 16 doses. I know he ate the whole candy bar. Jesus. And I didn't know. I was looking at the wrapper.

I'm like, you're supposed to have a bite. But that, I think, is the problem with fat guys and edibles. I don't want one gummy bear. Nobody eats one gummy bear. What am I going to do with one gummy bear? That's the thing, though, is you've got to pay somebody

to put it in your gummy bears and then just walk away. Be like, put one dose in my gummy bear. What am I going to do with one gummy bear? That's the thing, though, is you've got to pay somebody to put it in your gummy bears. And then just walk away. Be like, put one dose in my gummy bear. Right. And then so you're just eating gummy bears and then you just come across one. And one of them was the pot gummy bear. There you go. Okay.

Yeah. I ate all the gummy bears. That was destined to happen. When you make it, can you imagine if there was pot ice cream? I'd be like, great. I had a pint of pot. Ice cream only comes in pint-sized servings. Yeah, I'd be like, great, I had a pint of pot. It only, ice cream only comes

in pint-sized servings. Yeah, I know. I know. I would be dead. I would be dead. It would somehow kill me. I'd be the only person that died of fucking

TNT overdose. Covered in half gallons of pot. Can you die of chubby hubby? All right, this, I've never had chubby hubby? All right. I'm going to get trapped underneath. This story comes from, wow, KTV 13 News.

Ohio man charged for reporting fake bear attack to get out of Kanahawa County woods. So this is someplace in West Virginia. He's a guy from Ohio. He's hiking out in the woods. Yeah. He gets lost. He's a guy from Ohio. He's hiking out in the woods. Yeah. He gets lost. He calls first responders. And for some reason, it did not occur to him to be in enough danger of just being lost in the woods and asking for help.

Instead, he makes up this story of like bears circling him like sharks. All right. Here's what this is, Tom. Yeah. This is toxic masculinity. That's what it is. Is it really? That's what it is, Tom. Yeah. This is toxic masculinity. That's what it is. Oh shit, is it really? That's what it is,

man. He didn't want to like ask for directions. He didn't want to ask for help. Somebody didn't want to ask for help without it being dire. They felt like they would be, they would be,

they would be ridiculed or whatever. And so that they decided to be like, but there's a barrier. You've got to ask for help before the Blair Witch shows up. You start seeing, otherwise you're going to see like

sticks and shit. And then I don't know what happens. It's just like the camera goes black. And then I get a little queasy. Like I ate too many edibles. If night goes down and you're stuck in the woods, yeah, right. There's sticks, you know, stones stacked on each other and sticks in the shape of like

you know, crosses or fucking whatever. And then everything goes tits up. And then a bunch of little kids touch the outside of your tent. Right. Freaks you out. You're just like, ah, your boogers are all running in the flashlights. I don't want that. That's not the world I'm looking to live in.

Fuck that. Dude, if I got lost in the woods, I'd be like, I'm fucking lost in the woods. Come find me. I wouldn't hesitate, man. I wouldn't. My masculinity would not be threatened by that at all. I don't know that I've ever been lost, lost, lost. Where I've been nervous about where I was.

Like, I didn't know where I'd... Because that's got to be genuinely terrifying. I went off trail in Starved Rock and got lost for a couple of hours. Did you really? Yeah. But like, it's still Starved Rock. Yeah. Like, it's hard. It was hard for me. Starved Rock is just like a a couple of hours. Did you really? Yeah. But like, it's still Starved Rock. Yeah. It was hard for me. Starved Rock is just like a state park in Illinois. Yeah.

It's a big state park, but there's a lot of very, very wide and publicly used trails. Right. And like, there are also roads that go through it. So, at some point, it's just like, I'm just going to walk and I'll find a road. Yeah. And I did. I walked, I found a road, and I was like, alright, well, now I don't know where I'm at, but I'm at a road. So then I

walked until I got to an intersection and I was like, okay, well now I'm somewhere. So I don't know. I would be scared if I was lost, lost, lost, lost, lost, lost. I've never been in a, the only place I was ever at that was like away from everything out in the middle of nowhere was when I went on a camping trip with my brothers to the boundary waters between United States and Canada. And you take a canoe on your back and you just go into the boundary waters, right? Well, they give you a map and you just know where you're at. And like everybody that I was with knew how to read that map. We understood how the map worked and we knew where we were. We would just be, we would look at the map and be like, okay, well, we came through

here. We know where we're at. And we were always constantly paying attention to that map. So someone always had that map out. Okay, now we're here. We're at this place. Now we go to this next place. And as we go, they look and they say, okay, well, that's that lake. That's this. There's always kind of a navigator. There's always somebody there who's paying attention to where we were the whole time. I never once felt in danger up there of getting lost. That never occurred to me.

It never once occurred to me. And you're in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a compass and a paper map. And this is years before there was GPS, right? Yeah, and there's not even like motors allowed up there. Years before there was GPS. So you didn't even have like, you know, where people would say,

oh, why not just open Google Maps? That shit didn't exist. Like there was no smartphones. There was no, this was in the early 90s. So there's no smartphones. There's no nothing. Right. And you just are a paper map.

And I didn't feel in danger there. It's just that these people who just like, I just don't understand the unpreparedness of it all just makes me fucking angry about it. I'm just like, how did you get in the woods first place? I'm mad at you because of that. You know, thank you. Because here's the thing,

like you and I are very different people. You have an unerring sense of natural direction. You do. I can't imagine you being lost. I think I could blindfold you, put your head on a fucking baseball bat, spin you around, dump you in Siberia,

and you'd be like, I'd get us home. I'm okay at it. I have no sense of direction. I don't know where I'm at right now. I have no idea. Most of the time, I have literally no sense sense it's a little

better as i've gotten older but i don't have a very good natural sense of direction i've got north southeast and west down now but i didn't until like my 30s sure you know like and i if you put me in the woods i know i could get very easily lost so you got to know that about yourself and you got to be like all right if i was going to go in the woods especially if I was going to go in the woods alone and do some camping alone, I'd be like, all right, I'm willing to do that. But I'd have a sat phone. I'd have a GPS that was different than my phone's GPS in case. I would have redundant systems of navigation for sure.

I would be a fucking crazy person. I would carry an extra like six pounds of things because I'm like a whole Sherpa on your back. But genuinely I would, when I go cycling on a path, I go cycling. I have GPS. I have a purpose-made cycling GPS computer. And I have the GPS on my phone, both working at the same time. Because like, there's a few places and I'm like, I'm not going to get lost. Like, I know what's going to happen tonight. It's not Tom gets lost. Yep.

That's not. You put me in the woods. Yeah. I'm bristling with GPS. I'm all GPS. I'm wearing a suit. Made it. You have all those

little fold out antennas that are popping out. I got cancer of everything. All of them. You are 5'2". Who goes in the woods and has to make up a bear circled me like a shark story?

Reuters. Kosovo's so awash with fake Euro coins, they're accepted as payment now. I love the resignation. I love that too. The resignation in that title is the best. You know, what's so funny is in the United States,

like they're talking about how they were trying to test them, right? They're testing them to see after a while. And then they're just like, fuck it. We don't even care. We're just going to accept them as payment. I will say this. In the United States,

no one would ever try to do that with coins. I can't imagine trying to do that with coins because nobody carries coins and nobody cares about coins because they're all under a dollar here. Right. So a dollar is the smallest paper unit we have. And anything under that is the change unit.

There's no, but there are no, at least commonly tradable, more than a dollar or dollar coins. They just, they don't exist, right? So there are dollar ones, but they're rare. They're very rare.

Nobody uses them as regular currency. So most of the other like coin currency we get, like when we were other countries, especially, you know, when you're in Great Britain or when you're in any place that has the euro or Australia, they start giving you like $20 coins.

And you're like, what the fuck, man? I, what am I going to do with a car? I don't want a fucking heavy money. Give me a light money. And they're like,

no man, it's a, here's your $5 worth of coins. And you're like, I don't want five. I don't want to fucking jingle when I walk. I would like a paper money, please.

And so all the time, I feel like a gumball machine. I literally just pretend. I like, there's so many times where you're just like, I just want to paper money, please. And so all the time, like a gumball machine, literally just pretend like there's so many times where you're just like, I just want to throw this in your life, but that's like $25 worth of coins. Dude. I like you walk around like after a day of like walking around and having some drinks and going to restaurants and doing all this,

like your pockets are bulging with fucking metal. Like I feel like Sylvia Plath walking into the sea. And the problem is, is that in the States, it's kind of, it's not, it's sort of frowned upon if I walk in

and I say, how much is that? And they say, it's $2.99. And I pull out a pocket full of change and I pay for it. It's frowned on here

to pull out a pocket full of change. And so what happens with Americans when they travel is they just take the change and then they don't do anything with it because they feel like an asshole. If somebody is like, that'll be a 20 quid or whatever they say. And you're like, sure, here's a quid.

Here's another quid. Here's another quid. But you keep giving them the things that you would feel like a total. So you always pay with paper and you always take the coins and then you wind up like a fucking Michelin man of coins. Yeah, I know. Shaking yourself down the street like Mr. Bojangles.

When Haley and I have traveled internationally, we had this thing where it's like, oh, we're going to bring back one coin of every type from the places we go and put them in a jar, just like a little keepsake. But you come back,

you've got all the coins. Hundreds of coins. Yeah. Because you just say exactly what you're describing. Like I never feel confident counting out the coins. And also like, I have to look at the coin. I don't know what one is.

Right. The difference is like, you know, if you live there, you're like, sure. I know what a 50 is. Right.

You know, and they're all, and we do them where they're sized. They go down. Sometimes they don't over there. So there'll be like a big one versus a small one. I'm like, what the fuck is happening? And they'll be like multicolored.

Like, oh, it's got like a gold insert. It's got a gold insert. The other one, it's smaller than the one that's full gold and bigger. And you're like, why is that? What is happening? And I can't see anything. So I'd have to stand

there like reading this fucking coin that might be like rubbed raw. And I'm like, no, that you hand me that coin. I might as well get out a scale and an abacus and pay you. What you gave me was a souvenir. That's a souvenir. That's a souvenir. That's what it is. Everything costs, whatever the rounding up is. It is so, that is exactly my experience with everything money. That's why I love now, and this wasn't the same when I was younger, but nowadays when you walk into a place,

it's just pay with a credit card. And there's not, and they love their, at least overseas for me, when I've been recently, they don't have it as much over here, but the tap to pay, they love the tap to pay much over here, but the tap-to-pay, they love the tap-to-pay. That's all there is. That's all there is. It's all tap-to-pay.

And it works perfect every time. Over here, you don't know where to tap. Sometimes you're like tap-to-pay, and you look at the thing and you're like, where do I tap it? They're like, I don't fucking know, because normally everybody sticks it in there. And so, the tap-to-pay for us is a chip that sometimes it's on the side, sometimes it's over here, sometimes it's in the And so you don't, the tap to pay for us is a chip that is sometimes it's on the

side. Sometimes it's over here. Sometimes it's in the front. You don't know over there. It's like perfect. Every time you just, you fucking wave it near it. It's like, and it works perfect. And so it's amazing. I didn't use a single bit of cash except for to like give tips when I was over there. That's all I used it for. It was perfect. That's, I went over there with money. I went over there, got the money out of my cash, cash station I went over there, got the money out of my cash station account, got the cash out of my checking account through a cash station, and then used that for tips. And then that's all I ever used the money for.

And I paid for everything with credit. Everything. That's beautiful. And it was beautiful. So wait a minute. You went to an international cash station? Yep. Is that what you did?

You didn't bring American cash and change it. I didn't bring American cash and change it. No. I went to, with my cash station card, I walked up to their cash station? Yep. Is that what you did? You didn't bring American cash and change it. I didn't bring American cash and change it. No, I went to, with my cash station card, I walked up to their cash station in, because I got some when I was in Scotland. I've never done that. And I've got some when I was in, well, I found out, I was doing some reading online and they said the fees are about the same and there's less hassle. Yeah. So you might as well just do it. If you're going to get charged, you might as well just get charged by a machine that's automatic every time instead of

some, because sometimes there's like scams that go along with that stuff where you try to change your money and there's like a big fee that gets added and they take a bunch of big chunkier money and so instead I just went to my, like a bank, I couldn't find my bank but I found a bank and it was like a reputable bank and I used those

I was just like yeah, just use those God damn it. Yeah and I just did that this time I'm going to do that next time. It worked out great, it worked out great I got as much money as I wanted the fees were minimal and I was just like yeah just use those god damn it yeah and I just did that this time I'm gonna do that next time it worked out great it worked out great I got as much money as I wanted the fees were minimal and I was perfect and so I was able to just pay the tips

because it's all whenever you go on like tours and stuff it's all tips it's all tips you know you gotta tip money right and you know you don't wanna you gotta bring just the tip

you gotta bring you gotta give them just the tip so this is from the Guardian Michigan woman pulled from outhouse toilet after climbing in for Apple Watch. Okay, so there's a picture, but it's not a picture of her in the toilet.

It's just a picture of someone looking at an outhouse. So this is one of those, you go to the park and there's a big hole in the ground that they built a shed around that people shit in. That you know is full of bugs. There are flies and bees.

You know there are. That's a desperation shitter. There's nothing I own. My wife could be in one of those and I'd be like, well, that's gone. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I was going to ask you that question. Is there anything? There's nothing I own. I don't know my wife, so I'm just like,

I want to say that out loud. No, but like, there's nothing I own. No. I don't know my wife. So I'm just like, I want to say that out loud. No, but like, like there's nothing I own. Like my, my house could fall into a sinkhole into one of these. And I would, I would just say,

okay, I'm moving. That's gone now. I'm moving. Yeah. I don't have that anymore. If it was possible to drop your 401k, I'd be like,

guess I don't retire. Oh, I'm working until I die, I guess. Yeah. The American way. That's it. I don't know what to say. Like, look,

I have an Apple Watch and I love my Apple Watch. It's great. And there have been most of my life that I've been broke. And if I lost something like an Apple Watch,

I'd be like, I just don't get to have that anymore. And if I dropped it in an outhouse shitter, I'd be like, I just don't get to have that anymore. And if I dropped it in an outhouse shitter, I'd be like, well, I don't even want it anymore. I would 100% hook up to it and make it do farting sounds

while it was under there. I would like call it on the microphone and be like, hey, get me out of here. Get me out of here. Hey, how you doing? If you fished it out. Yeah, what are you going to do with it?

You now have a. Your watch has hepatitis C. For real. Yeah, like I don't want that. If there was an Apple. Here's another way to think about it. If there was an Apple watch on the ground and 40 people shit on it, and then you put a sign on it and said,

free Apple watch. I've seen this video before. Would you go get that Apple watch? I've been in some dark places on the internet and I've seen this video before. So yeah, no, man, I wouldn't like,

you wouldn't take it for free. Right. You wouldn't take it for free. Right. Understandably, you want to try to do like, I don't know what you do. Like,

what do you like what do you how do you sanitize that watch so it goes back on your hand there's never going to be a time I wouldn't look at that watch and be like you know what I mean

I'd be like oh constantly like catching it it raises it in your throat every time you're just like if my wedding ring

fell in the shit if my wedding ring I know you don't wear a ring I wear my ring my ring is important to me if my wedding ring fell in the shit. If my wedding ring, I know you don't wear a ring. I wear my ring. My ring is important to me. If my wedding ring fell in the outhouse shitter, I'd be like, I guess I have to lie about getting a new ring. You know, like I'm going to, I would get a ring and some sandpaper and scratch it up a little bit.

I was fighting a bear in the woods. I was fighting a bear. There's no way. There's nothing. Because again, if there was a fucking wedding ring and then somebody put it in a five-gallon Home Depot bucket and like 40 people shit on it. That's my fetish now.

And then somebody stuck a sign angled and hanging out of the poo bucket that says, free ring. I wouldn't like be like, oh, I'll go bobbing for that ring. Oh, it's a great ring. It wouldn't be your precious.

That's for sure. Holy shit. It could stay in Mordor. This lady fell in. Yeah, man. She fell in. Yeah, man, you're digging. What, what, what fresh health.

Here's the thing though. Like I feel at that point, you just stay in there. Here's the thing. You're digging what what how what fresh hell here's the thing though like i feel at that point you just stay in there here's the thing like you know what this is my life now i'm just gonna be down here with my apple watch every time somebody comes here i'm gonna be like hey here here's the thing you know how like if that apple watch if you there's no way you could sanitize it where you'd ever want to wear it again. If I fell in a public outhouse, there's no way my wife would ever look at me and be like, I'll kiss him. What would you... There's no way. She would throw me away. She'd be like, you're gross now.

You're contaminated. What could you do to yourself? What could you do to yourself to look at yourself and be like, I'm not contaminated. Dude, would you come out all blue? Like a po poo Smurf? It's a totally different blue. It's a hundred percent different.

Yeah. I'm poopy Smurf. It's so gnarly. It's gagamel. All right. We got to show a picture this time. Yeah. This is from,

first let's show the picture. So this is, this is from... First, let's show the picture. So this is... This is... Sonagi.co.uk? So here's the byline. Glowing skin, new face. The passport hurdle in Korea's beauty tourism. This is a very strange story, Tom.

Did you want to read it or... Yeah, I'll just read the top portion. Okay. South Korea's plastic surgeons are renowned for their expertise drawing visitors from neighboring countries like China and Japan. However, this expertise has led to an unexpected dilemma for some of these international visitors. When these individuals are ready to return home after their procedures,

they sometimes find that they no longer resemble their passport photos. I think this is an advertisement. So here's what I think. I think this is an advertisement because if you read what I think. I think this is an advertisement because if you read the last paragraph. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Read the last paragraph. Korean skincare has long been the gold standard in the beauty world.

It's 10-step routines, innovative products, and emphasis on hydration and prevention. I think it's a... This feels very much like a... Oh, you know, the results will be so amazing. It's so amazing that they have to... They created a press release

to send out that said, by the way, there's a beauty tourism... I don't believe this at all. Also, at 100%, looks like a Snapchat filter over, like,

actually somebody getting work done. Yeah, man. Look, she does not look like somebody who had plastic surgery. She looks like somebody

who doesn't have any scars or discoloration or bruising. Plastic surgery, it's not like you get plastic surgery and then you wake up and you're healed from major surgery. Yeah, you just don't snap your fingers and you're fine. Right. If you have

plastic surgery at such a level that the fucking AI is like, oh no, man. Who are you? You're going to be a swollen mess. You're going to look like a fucking dark man. If you see these two people, which, you know, you can't even say the same person. I don't think they are. But if they – I genuinely feel like one is a Photoshop or a filter of some kind.

I don't feel like that's the same. Like there's no way that you took this person's face and made it into that person's face. It's impossible. No, I didn't even think the guys on botched could do that. I don't think the guys from nip talk. And that's like a fantasy show. That's a fantasy. They couldn't even do that. Have you ever watched that bot show? Oh yeah. I've watched like a lot of that. My wife watches that show and I'll come into the room and sometimes so they, lots of times it's just people who have had bad surgeries that come in and then they have to get them redone

and it's all, it's probably all fake or whatever. I don't know. I don't know how real any of it all is. But the people who come in that are, that want to get more plastic surgery that are very,

very, done a lot of plastic surgery already and then they won't treat them because they think they've done too much. There's a lot of those people who come on. There's one every episode. There's one every episode

and they'll come on and they look, they look so not human anymore. They look, yeah, uncanny valley. They look genuinely not human. Yeah. Because there's a level

of plastic surgery you can do to your body to stop looking like a person. Yep, yep, absolutely, man. And there's some people on that show where they do so much with like their lips

and then their face is like pulled back really far and then their neck has been like pushed in and then their butt is pulled back really far. And then their, their neck has been like, pushed in. And then their butt is like up on their fucking back and they've done so much crazy work and they come in and you're just like, what on earth, why did you take, like, I understand getting like the first step or the second step or the third step, but what led you to the 70th step to be like, this is the, this is the operation that's going to change it all?

Yeah, man. To me, it's like the surgical equivalent of the people who are like, now I'm going to get my eyeballs tattooed. And you're like, all right, look, I get it. I get it. You get a tattoo. You get two or three. You feel good. You like the way they look.

But at some point, you got to be like, all right, I'm going to get my penis tattooed on my face. And you're like, all right, now that is just too much. That's too much. You don't look like people anymore. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. The funny show for this week. We'll be back on Monday with a regular show in this upcoming Thursday. Remember, we're

going to be doing a long form. And if you're a $2 patron, Tom's going to read that long form article to you. So patrons pay attention. You should have that in your inbox probably over the weekend sometime. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave it like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Headpan sales pitch.

Late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces. Cancer cures. Detox. Reflex. Foot massage. Death in towers. Tarot cards.

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Dragons. Giant worms. Atlantis. Dolphins. Truthers. Birthers. Witches. Wizards.

Vaccine nuts. Shaman healers. evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your signs. Thrust your hands. Bloody. Evidential. Conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios, LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you.