Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 730: Vulgarity for Charity Part 1, 2023

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Thank to everyone that donated to Vulgarity for Charity! NO VIDEO THIS WEEK! Show Notes

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chic and beyond. This is Cognitive Distance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat.

Today is Thursday, November 21st. And Cecil, at the end of our show today, we have actually wrapped up. We have concluded another phenomenally successful, almost embarrassingly wonderful Vulgarity for Charity drive. Yeah. Yeah. Really great stuff. Really great, amazing outpouring by the people

who listen to this show and the scathing atheist. We do not have a total yet, but we will have that total by Monday when you hear this. And when you hear the segment at the end, Ian will announce that total. And so in keeping with vulgarity for charity, we are going to have a segment, the fine folks from the Puzzle and the Thunderstorm crew that would be Eli Noah and Heath well just just Eli and

oh that's right and Heath because Noah Noah had Noah had to take a break you know what the thing is here's the thing Cecil

the charity drive was so exciting his heart couldn't take it no there you go his poor little ticker he couldn't take it in the Grinch like in the Grinch

where like your heart is too his heart is too size it's too small then it grows remember the part where it goes so imagine if like that's a good thing though I don't think your heart

being oversized it was already enlarged it was already enlarged that's bad and you just get such an amazing outpouring from the community you gotta grab your heart

like that guy from Sanford and Son and say you're coming Elizabeth so next time I see Noah I do want to staple reindeer antlers to his head heart like that guy from Sanford and Son and say, you're coming, Elizabeth. Next time I see Noah, I do want to staple reindeer antlers to his head though. Like I really, not because I don't love him, I love him, but I also feel like I need to staple reindeer antlers. Tom, you were talking before we started recording that your son achieved something today. So this is just kind of crazy to think about. So my oldest son, biological son, Finnegan, he got his driver's license today, which is fucking bonkers, man. Because when you and I first started podcasting, just as a point of perspective, so Finn is now

a licensed driver in the land of Lincoln. He's got that goddamn card now in his wallet. Not a learner's permit, an honest to God driver's license. No, not an absolute license, yes. We started podcasting. That son of a bitch was five months old. Fight. April.

April of that year, we started podcasting. And the crying on that podcast, there's a crying part on that. Everyone's a critic that we were doing. There was a bumper we used to introduce a segment. And he was the crying. He was, yeah.

We had actually recorded him crying. And that was his, it was Finn's voice on the podcast. That's absolutely wild to me. It's amazing. It's amazing that our podcast can drive. We've been doing this such a long time, buddy. We've been doing it for a long time, man. You'd think we'd be better at it, you know?

Also, just a quick point on housekeeping. There is obviously, if you're listening to this, that's great. If you're trying to watch this, no, you're not. It's not video. Yeah. That is no video. No video. It's Thanksgiving week, you know, so we had to record on an off night.

I woke up a little under the weather, so we just decided to go ahead and do this the old school way. We're calling each other. I feel like I should get out my old blue snowball in honor of this. Blue snowball microphone? Whole thing. And the end of the show will also be only audio, too, because we normally don't record video for, for Vulgarity for Charity. So it's an entirely audio show today. New vlog. It's Godless spelled backwards. This is their kingdom.

All right, Cecil. So we got to start with this story, which I love every piece of. This is actually from Cosmopolitan. And this is not like weird sex advice to stick an ice cube up your ass or whatever. Which works, by the way. I don't know what it works for, but it works.

It works. Cuts down on swelling. The satanic abortion clinic that's pissed off pretty much everyone. I just stick my ass in the freezer and just try to close the door for her. I like to get it nice and red like a baboon's ass, that's how I know it's ready for party. Shake it around. The satanic abortion clinic that's pissed off pretty much everyone and might beat the bands

anyway. So the satanic temple has launched a telehealth initiative, a telehealth company, basically, or offshoot in New Mexico. they are providing telehealth visits and they're providing reproductive women's health care in the form of abortion services. And they named it Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito Jr.'s mom's abortion plan. No, actually, I got it wrong because it's even, it's even better than that. It's even better than that. It's called Samuel Alito, Samuel Alito's mom's satanic abortion clinic. It's so, it's so trolly and so funny, but also such an amazing twist on what is happening in the United States, right? So it gets thrown back to the states.

The abortion thing gets thrown back to the states when they basically threw Roe out. And so now you have all these states that are deciding not to do something. But in New Mexico, they decided to open this place up so that they can then maybe continue to open up other clinics in other parts of the country that don't have abortion access. And they're going to do it under the guise of religious liberty.

So they'll be tacking on saying this is our religious right to do this. This is a religious ritual that we do. They even talk in here about how they instruct people when they get these pills, which are, they give them abortion pills, the mefaprestone that they wound up having issues with that we talked about last year, but they give these pills out and then they have sort of a ritual that they say you can participate in if you want, which is basically looking yourself in the mirror and be like, my body is important. I make the choices about my body. Then I'm paraphrasing. That's basically what you want to read. I want to read that. I also want to read real quick from the

article. Part of the justification, the sort of, it's drawing inspiration from recent judicial rulings, like the ones in favor of Christian business owners denying services to LGBTQ plus people purely on religious grounds. Using a similar rationale, the Satanic Temple will attempt to claim the same religious protection, only in this case to provide services rather than refuse them. And it's just like, you know, if there was a prize for internal consistency, the satanic temple would get it. I, I, it's so delicious. It really is so delicious. And to your point, I want to read a little bit about what they, how they described the, uh, the actual ritual or the ceremony. Cause it's, it's actually kind of fucking amazing. And I kind of love it.

I love it. I think it's great actually. So here is, here is the optional ceremonial satanic abortion ritual. First, you find a quiet space. Bring a mirror if you can. Just before taking the medication, gaze at your reflection and focus on your personhood. Home

in on your intent, your responsibility to you. Take a few deep, relaxing breaths. When you're ready, read the following tenet aloud. One's body is inviolable, subject to one's own will alone. Take the medication and immediately afterward recite, beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs. Later, once your body

expels the aborted tissue, return to your reflection. Focus again on your personhood, your power in making this decision. Complete the ritual by reciting a personal affirmation. By my body, my blood, by my will, it is done. I mean, like, it's kind of a great, like, if you want to do a ceremony, do a ceremony. If you don't want to do a ceremony, don't do a ceremony.

They don't care. And I don't either, you know, but as far as ceremonies are concerned, I kind of fucking love it. Right. Because it is like, I'm just going to, I'm going to think about me and what my own personal responsibilities to myself are. And that is exactly what should guide all of our medical decision-making, right? All of our medical decision-making, not just abortion,

should revolve around a personal reflection on our responsibilities to ourselves. Yes. Yeah, for sure. And at the end of the article, they go into a bunch of people talking about what they're doing, and they go out of their way to either find quotes or talk to people who are on the other side of this, right? The people who are anti-choicers, they will talk to them and say, you know, what do you think about this? Or they will find and mine quotes for them. And what they're saying is they're basically saying, look, they proved, the Satanic temple proved this is child ritual sacrifice. And this is something that the crazy people on the right have been repeating for a long time

that this is ritual sacrifice. And I mean, gosh, you talk about Alex Jones has been saying this for years, all the Pizzagate people, all the, what is that fucking Frazzledrip stuff with QAnon? All that stuff has in it that idea of ritual human sacrifice and ritual child sacrifice. And they point to abortion as that method in which to achieve that.

And I feel like as much as I like what they're doing, I wonder if it's going to have a negative effect in the sense that, sure, crazy people thought crazy things before. But if you do something that matches what the crazy people are saying, does it give them ammo to then infect a group of people who might not have been as flexible before without some sort of proof. Yeah, I thought about that. I want to read also from the article real quick, and then I'll answer that. Like the defense that the Satanic Temple makes, because I thought it was kind of right-headed.

He says, at this point, we don't have the luxury of trying to make abortion seem more palatable because we tried that. And now look where we are. So we're just going to come out with both arms swinging completely defiant. And because when I thought about this, because I did think about the same thing, Cecil, it's like, oh, man, like, is this going to add fuel? But I think like the the anti-choice fire is already lit and it has all of the sticks it's probably going to have already on its bonfire.

And then you've got 60 some percent of the rest of the American populace who is pro-choice. Right. So the anti-choice, right? So the anti-choice people are a pretty significant numerical minority. I don't think they're going to get swayed by this because they're probably not going to hear. Most people aren't going to hear about it. The people who are going to hear about it in conspiratorial tones are already conspiracy-minded, I think. Most other people would be like, that's fucking weird. But at the end of the day, if this does what it's supposed to do, which is to push itself

through a court system, and if it can break the stupid ban and open up, because I don't actually care how many satanic temple clinics there are. What I want to see is the court forced to change their position. Yeah. And then that opens up all kinds of other faith-based groups which exist that do provide uh reproductive services for women including abortion so it's not like the satanic temple is the only faith-based service that provides these services there are many others sure so like getting break using their sort of a tip of the spear and then i don't care what

follows you know that's kind of my feeling is get into the court, force them to make the ruling, force them to contend with the dissonance here, see what happens. Worst case scenario, we're right back where we started. That's kind of, to me, the worst case scenario. And a bunch of people are like, Satan has killed babies. And I'm like, you already thought that. Yeah, no, but no, you're right. Those people did. But I wonder if it could infect farther and really sort of be more ammunition in the disinformation war we're in, right? In the misinformation war that we sit in,

is it polluting the information ecosystem by saying these things and giving these people more a louder voice. Because don't get me wrong, the end result, of course, I want to see the anti-choicers get defeated. I want to see women have a choice on what they want to do with their body. Ultimately, I want to see that too. But if it fails and it pollutes, then you're worse off. if it fails and it pollutes, then you're worse off. Yeah, no, that's true. That's true. And I guess maybe, maybe my glee is, is creating a bias. So I want to admit that like maybe my glee at forcing the courts to take this up. And I hope that it does. I hope they do too,

to be perfectly frank. Maybe that's biasing. I don't know. I also, because there's also a part of me and I know that this is inaccurate and I have to, like, I hit this, I bump up against this. I don't know if you do either too, but like I bump up against this all the time that like in my brain, I'm thinking, yeah, but there's no serious people like other than crazies that believe in Satan. Right. So it's only crazies in my, and I know this isn't true Cecil, but in my brain, I'm like, only crazies believe in Satan. So like, they're already in the crazy pile.

And I forget that there are plenty of not crazy, generally moderate people who have this belief where Satan is not like antithetical to their worldview and silly and bizarre. I forget that stuff all the time. I live in this bubble and I want to admit that I live in this bubble where I'm like everyone around me. The idea of Satan is genuinely laughable concept. Nobody I know believes in that shit until once in a great while I run up against somebody who does.

And I'm like, for fuck's sake, man, really? Like, it's like, it's big foot shit to me. Like Satan is like bigfoot shit to me. Pele dos Santos, 30, safety expert. So this next story comes from NBC News. Botox, Ferragamo, and OnlyFans. How George Santos allegedly spent his campaign funds. So George Santos, the much maligned liar.

Liar. Liar. Liar. Con man. Con man, absolutely. And fraud and fucking grifter Republican from New York. I guess you could have just said congressperson from New York. You would have inferred Republican from all the rest of it, probably. He used campaign contributions.

Oh, I should say allegedly, but he 100% did. campaign contributions uh oh i should say allegedly but um he 100 did he used campaign contributions for all kinds of shit trips to casinos high-end shopping botox honeymoon in vegas uh hampton's holiday only fans payments i want to say i want to say this how low have we gotten in this country? Yes. Where there's a guy who is one of, you know, let's call it 530 people in the United States that gets a chance to have his hand on the rudder, one of 500 hands on the rudder to decide where the country goes, gets to sit in important assignments,

you know, gets whenever he wants, can have millions of people hear him through the news. Cause he can get an interview whenever he wants. And he's like the worst criminal. Like he's like the, like I would be, here's the thing. If he was a fraud and he was like smart about it and somebody just barely got him, I would have so much more respect. Same man. What's. But what's happening is he's like, yeah, I went out to Vegas and I had a honeymoon and I spent a bunch of money and then I just came back. And they're like, yeah,

so what was the campaign thing out there? Oh, there wasn't one. You'd be like, no, you had lunch with someone. Yeah, I know. Like seriously, this is not hard. The stuff he could easily fake. Tom, this is the easiest shit in the world to write off as a fucking campaign thing. All he has to do is a fucking 30 seconds worth of work to write

this off. And there's never once a fraud thing, but he's so stupid or so bold that he just lets himself do this. And I'm just like, how far have we fallen in this country where this guy is a Congress person and he's bad at being a fraud? And he's defended by all the rest of his chuckle fucks, right? This is a guy who deposited huge amounts of cash that he never accounted for, made a $4 million worth of cash withdrawals for his friend. You don't have to do that. If you want to steal money, there's like a whole fucking guidebook on how to steal money for campaign from campaign contributions.

It's the Trump guidebook. Like, just watch what Trump does. He has been funneling money, move the money to fucking PACs. PACs can do all kinds of shit. He did everything the dumbest, wrongest way possible. Dumbest way. The dumbest way. The dumbest way. And all the Republicans

are like, until he's actually proven guilty. And I don't believe that if he was proven guilty that anything would change, right? I don't think so either. Well, you know,

I mean, he technically is allowed to be a sitting member of Congress from prison, so we will allow his vote. It's all, it's all like gamesmanship bullshit.

Like, none of it is anything. It's all crap. It's all made up and the points don't matter. It's the fucking whosemanship bullshit. Like none of it is anything. It's all crap. It's all made up, but the points don't matter. It's the fucking, whose congressman is it anyway of the world that we live in now? It is so, it's so, like the stuff that he, like I understand, like what is it? Hermes or whatever, is that how you say it?

Hermes, yeah. Hermes, Sephora and OnlyFans. He spent like a fucking unbelievable amount of money. They're going to trace that down. Oh, yeah. But man, you're fucking, you're Atlantic City where you spent like a couple grand to go to resorts.

How easy would that have been to turn into a campaign stop? Yeah, man. How, I mean, like it takes no creativity whatsoever to turn four or five of these big dollar amounts that he did into like an easy campaign stop or an easy campaign consultation with somebody

like you could eat. I mean, God, this is fall over easy stuff. It is. And instead he just took the money out of the ATM. He just took it. He was like, no, it's fine. I just take it. I don't even care. He just straight transferred 200 grand to his personal bank account and was like,

nom, nom, mine now. Like, that's his grift. He's got like, he's got to do a one text verification for $200,000. And that's it. Dude, he's a smash and grab grifter.

He is. That's what he is. It's so embarrassing that this guy made it this far. So embarrassing. It is. Jesus God. I bet he's surprised

he got caught. I bet. Oh, I didn't think they really, I thought I was fucking, I thought it was the catch me if you can guy, you know, I never thought that would happen to me. I'm going to escape out of the fucking toilet in an airplane or whatever. We've got a story about degenerate clergy and we've got a story about a bunch of lawyers turning child abuse into a cottage industry. All right, so this next story comes from yourtango.com. Pastor's wife draws concern after saying she spanked her toddler for not

being happy to see her. And there is audio. Holy shit. It's only 57 seconds long, so I'm going to play this lady talking about exactly what Tom just said. Rachel was visiting a friend. She was probably three or four in that, that before school age. And our neighbor had little kids. So we would trade back and forth. So I

went over to pick her up. And when I walked in, she said, Oh, is it time to go? So I thought, perfect opportunity. I got her home. I didn't address it there. But I did give her spanking. It's true. I did. But I just said, when I come in, you're going to say, hi, mom. You know, that's how we do this. So the next time she went over there, I did the review now remember when i come um you're gonna say hi mom you're not gonna say oh i didn't want to go so it was beautiful because then when i picked her up it was just all that yes mom is here at last yeah yeah but it's just that training and giving them opportunities. So giving them opportunities. I want to say, you know, first off,

like you didn't have a genuine reaction from your daughter. You just scared her into doing something that you wanted her to do. Like that's not a genuine reaction. Your daughter isn't happy to see you. And she's probably less happy to see you now that you're hitting her. But one of the things I want to address too is at the beginning of her talk, she says, I didn't address it want to address too is at the beginning of her talk, she says, I didn't address it there.

I addressed it at home. Yeah, because you're abusing your child and you know what's wrong. And you didn't do it in front of other people because you know what's abhorrent. That's why you didn't do it at the other person's house. Because if you were 100% right

to fucking divinely inspired by God, you'd do it literally anywhere. Yeah, man, this is like, like so much. It's actually hard to figure out how many things, like on a tally basis, are monstrous and just fucking straight up psycho about this behavior. A three or four year old kid is a little, little kid, man. That's a really little kid.

And to like take a little kid who doesn't even do anything wrong literally the kid did nothing wrong there's no world where anybody can interpret oh is it time to go from a little kid we're fucking from a grown-up dude i've been i'm 45 i've been having a good time been like oh shit it's time to go i don't want to go that's there's nothing happened that was wrong right so that's the first thing is like the kid literally didn't do anything wrong. Then the kid is like three or four. That's a baby, man. That's like a really little kid. That's a really little kid. And then to wait

and punish the kid where the kid doesn't have at that age, kids developmentally, there should be consequences immediately or not at all. Like that's how any, and there should never be spanking, but like if there's going to be consequences, they have to be immediate or not at all. Right. So, because kids don't at that age, don't really have the ability to like connect the punishment properly with like the thing that they did in a way that like is going to make for meaningful change for them. Right. All she did, you're right. Is she scared the shit out of her kid taught her kid how to lie in order to salvage her ego problem right like that's a

crazy you're not that's a crazy thing to think like you have to be happy to see me you have to be happy you have to be happy to see me god what the fuck what is happening right yes mommy dearest i will not use wire hangers. It's shit. Like everything about this is horrible. And this is a lady. It's abusive. It's straight up abusive.

And it's like, it's abusive and it's this abuse with this like intent. You know, it's not like somebody and it's not better, but like it's different.

It's not like somebody who lost their temper, right? And like got overcome in a moment. That is not good. And we should not do that. And we should take all of the measures to not do that, right? But that at least is less fucking psychotic than,

I'm going to put that in my pocket and I'm going to beat this three-year-old kid in 20 minutes when I get home. And then I'm going to tell her to fucking smile next time. Holy shit. Can you imagine doing that to an adult? Can you imagine beating an adult until they smiled at you? Yeah. Like if you come in from work and your partner doesn't look at you and be like, hi, honey, glad you're home. You kick the shit out of them. Right. And then you're like, all right, I bet you'll be

fucking happy to see me next time. That's abusive. Like it's just going to jail. And I also want to say like, I, I will predict her argument back and her argument back will probably be something like, well, when I say spank her, I just, I just held her over and I'd like tapped her a few times. I didn't like wallop her. I didn't hit her with a belt, et cetera, et cetera. You scared her. It doesn't matter if you hurt her, right? Hurting them is, they will forget the pain. They will remember the fear, okay? I do not remember getting hit by my dad when I was a kid.

Like, I don't remember how hard he hit me. I mean, it felt like it was hard, I guess. I don't remember as much, but I remember how afraid I was. I'll tell you that. I remember how afraid I was to walk over to him when he told me to come over and pull my pants down so he could whoop my ass with a belt. I remember how terrifying that was as a child. That's what stays with me. And so like the idea that you might not have hurt her, who fucking cares? You're literally like a terror to her. You are the boogeyman. You have inserted yourself as a terror to her you are the boogeyman you have inserted

yourself as a terror to your own child i don't understand how someone could even say they love their child if they did something i mean genuinely i would question it i'd be like i question i literally question what you're saying if you say you love straight up i would refute it like because this is incompatible this behavior is incompatible with anybody's good definition of love. Like if you ask somebody to sit down and say, tell me what you mean by love. When you say you let me have them write down, there is no reasonable definition that they could write where this behavior was compatible with that definition. And this is somebody, by the way, who has authored several books about navigating life

and parenting as a Christian. This is not as a Christian grandma. Yeah. This isn't just someone, right? This is somebody who is influential. She's not telling the story and then it just happened to get cut like a dinner party. She's telling the story, sitting at a fucking table and being filmed for this because she's got an audience to tell this story to. And this audience is like, that was great advice. That's the other thing is this isn't just like

some crazy pastor lady beating the shit out of her kid in her fucking psychotic attempt to like manipulate her kid into lying to salvage her ego. That's not all that is. This is somebody doing it performatively.

Yes. To influence other people so they'll go home and beat the shit out of their three-year-old fucking thing right it's the same thing as that guy who writes the books which it tells these people to beat their kid with a fucking a piece of fucking plumbing yeah right yeah the fucking rubber hose guy like how to raise up a child or whatever i'm really training child train up a child yeah that guy that guy is like yeah no you should kick the shit out of your kid

with a fucking piece of rubber hose. And you're like, okay, these people shouldn't fucking have kids, man. Like, holy shit. If you write a book like this and then you sit

on a fucking dais or something and you're like, yeah, here's how I beat a three-year-old. They should just come take your kid away. They should just come take your fucking kid away.

You should not be able to write books. Like, I know First Amendment and all that and i get it but like at what point is writing a an instruction manual on child abuse just a bridge too far like maybe that's a bridge too far you know conspiracy theories delusions of persecution messages being sent through the tv all right so this story comes to the new republic guests who who just brought back Pizzagate? Days after promoting anti-Semitism, Elon Musk has moved to another vile conspiracy theory.

Elon Musk is all over. Watching this guy fucking implode upon himself like a fucking evil Death Star is, I mean, like if it wasn't terrifying, if he wasn't so phenomenally influential in the world for like being rich and buying the influence he buys, he would be, he would be comical, but he's, he sort of stops being comical because he's so powerful. And like, we'll talk about the story, but Cecil, i keep thinking to myself like the fucking capitalist oligarchs

that run the country like some of these guys are just not well guys no like elon musk is not like there's a like there's a sort of like idea the sort of like you know the the the fucking adam smith you know what is it the invisible hand guys you know the like all these fucking they're jerking themselves off with this invisible hand guys, you know, the like all these fucking, they're jerking themselves off with this invisible hand so much. They fucking love it. But all these guys, they always suppose or presuppose tacitly that the oligarchs and the billionaires who will create all our jobs and run our whole world for us, that they will be sane and benevolent. Yeah. And like, sometimes they're neither. Sometimes they're definitely the opposite side of the spectrum of both of those. Yeah, man. And Elon Musk is a perfect example. You know, I wonder after seeing him do this,

I wonder if this will be the last time you ever see some really public billionaire people, last time you ever see some really public billionaire people. Because I feel like they all kind of have really fucked up. You kind of have to, to be a billionaire. I think you do kind of have to have some pretty fucked up views in order to accumulate that much wealth and then to keep that much wealth and then to keep on accumulating it over and over. I feel like there's got to be some, there's something a little wrong with you with that. And I think, I think that most of them recognize that once in a while when they come up and come up for air publicly, that most people are like, what the fuck did that person say? So they just don't say anything. They're just like, no, man, I'm really unhinged. You know, it's like when Trump was talking about how you had to show ID to buy

groceries at the store. You know, like these are people who was talking about how you had to show ID to buy groceries at the store. You know, like these are people who don't do things for themselves. They don't know what it's like to live a real life, like a life that everyone else has to live, right? That has to take care of themselves, that has to take care of their family, that has to, you know, commute to work, that has to fucking either fix your toilet or make enough money to call a plumber or whatever it is. You know, they don't have that. What they have is just an entire like charmed life where they just look at their whole house and they're like, tear it all down to the studs and let's redo it all. Right. That's their, that's their, they have a charmed existence. So once in a while, they'll say something fucking crazy. They'll come up for me like, oh, no, I'm just going to hide because I don't live like the rest of them.

And they don't understand me because I'm a crazy person who cannot stop making money and exploiting people. And so they go, they run away. But Musk did the exact opposite thing. Like he ran into the limelight with his arms in the air, be like, look at me, everybody. Look at how crazy I am. And he's fucking crazy. Like, when he pulled back

the fucking mask from himself, because for a long time, man, there was a whole bunch of Musk fanboys like, yeah, that dude is the best. He's like Tony Stark.

He's doing all this awesome shit for the world. He's the best. I want to ride a Musk rocket to the fucking Mars. And then he pulls back the mask and like 90% of the people are like,

what in the sweet fuck just happened? Yeah, man. What is happening with that guy? But crazily, 90% and there's still 10% that are like,

100%. Oh, I know. That's like anti-Semitic Tony Stark. That's like, that's like, it's like fucking Iron Man that hates Jews. Like they just fucking love this guy.

Oh man. There's still like some of those fucking fanboys they look like he's like he is like one of the fucking David Icke lizard people and he pulled his fucking mask off and everyone's like I don't see a lizard person. Lizard people rule. No they see it and they're like

no fucking lizard people are the best. Fuck your face. They're just like, yeah, I always knew he was a lizard person. I'm a thousand percent down for that. And you're like, holy shit, what in this shit is happening? One day I wish I could grow up to be a lizard person. I want to flip my tongue out and grab flies.

That's the type of people. But Tom, why don't you read this tweet thread that happens here? It's Elon Musk retweet. He's retweeting a Glenn Greenwald, which you'll read. And then someone responds to him and then Musk responds. Yeah, so Glenn Greenwald says, I think sometimes people forget that Media Matters was created, shaped and governed for a long time by David Brock, arguably the single most craven, deceitful

and amoral scumbag dc politics has ever seen and glenn greenwald would know yeah you know if anybody would know it's glenn greenwald he would yeah like things attract i don't know so anyway and so of course musk amplifies that he he he says media matters is pure evil now they're mad because what Media Matters did was Media Matters exposed that a whole bunch of Nazi shit on fucking Twitter. Yeah. Was having ads for like fucking Nike and Coca-Cola and all these big names. Next to it. On these fucking Nazi ads.

Straight up Nazi ads. Like there's no Nazi shit. And like the. Nazi tweets. Nazi tweets. Not underneath the ads. Yeah. And so like, yeah, not Nazi ads, but Nazi tweets, like Nazi content.

They're not like advertising. I would not put it past, Tom, I would not put it past him. No, I wouldn't either. To run like a Stormfront ad and have no issue. No issue at all. So what Media Matters was like, hey, I wonder if fucking like Coca-Cola knows that their ads are running alongside this fucking straight Nazi shit, right? And then Coca-Cola and a whole bunch of other advertisers were like,

whoa, we're pulling the fuck off of Twitter. We out to the tune of over a hundred million dollars in lost advertising revenue. Right. So that's, it is a huge amount of advertisers that pulled their sponsorships off of Twitter.

And that's what pissed Musk off. Right. So now Musk and Glenn Greenwald is just a fucking apologist for Musk. That's all Glenn Greenwald is, is he is just, every once in a while, he takes the cock out of his mouth of fucking Elon Musk,

and then he tweets out some fucking Musk apologist shit. So then some other asshole wrote, whose name is Mitt Romney as a hologram, said, here's one you didn't know at Elon Musk. David Brock was the boyfriend of James Alephantis, owner of Comet Ping Pong Pizza.

Yes, the Pizzagate restaurant. Alephantis, a pizza shop owner at the time, was on GQ's 50 Most Powerful People in DC list. And Musk just writes, weird. It's amplifying Pizzagate man Pizzagate is nothing It's a discredited QAnon conspiracy Where that guy busted into a fucking pizza parlor

Because of some fucking emails That were actually about pizza With a fucking machine gun or whatever Yeah and then he said whoops And then he got arrested That was literally what happened And then you know the other thing too is, listen to what Musk is doing here.

Musk is retweeting Glenn Greenwald and he's saying media matters is pure evil. He's saying media matters, pointing out that Musk is promoting Nazi shit on his platform next to advertisers is the evil thing. That's the evil thing. Not that, oh shit, I should look hard in

the mirror at what is happening on this platform I created. Instead, he's like, they are pure evil. What for? Like, shouldn't you be excited about what your platform does? If you're not interested in silencing terrible voices, why wouldn't you be like, well, no, that's perfectly fine. Yeah, dude, if you and I owned Twitter, right? So if you and I own Twitter and then Media Matters published this and said, hey, you know,

on Tom's version of Twitter, there's, you know, Coca-Cola is on these Nazi, is being advertised at the same place this Nazi shit exists. My first response would be like, get everybody in the room

to make sure Nazi shit doesn't exist. Is there Nazi shit? That shouldn't be on there. That's what's going to happen first. We are going to remove all the Nazi shit. And they can, right? And we talked about this with Facebook. So I want to make sure

that there is no bullshit technological argument that's ever made, right? We 100% know that they can do it. There are filters, very good filters, on all of these social media sites that already eliminate things like child sexual abuse material, right? So there are filters that troll the whole site, and they know what to look for, and you can write programming for it, and they can get rid of it. They can just get rid of it. They could find all the Nazi shit. You could program the goddamn computer to find all the Nazi shit, right? Now, would some of it sneak past the goalie? Yes. Would most of it?

No. Could there be a reporting system? Absolutely. Just like child sexual abuse material, right? I'm not saying the filters are perfect, but I'm saying they're pretty damn good. And I'm saying that at least they make the effort. They do not make the effort. The goal is to get this right wing hate filled bullshit onto the site because that draws views, right? Having this controversial, you know, free flowing fucking 4chan ask hate filled world is how they make money. They're just mad

they got caught because they were monetizing Nazi shit. Their only response should have been, oh my god, I didn't know this was here. I'm so fucking sorry. Here are the steps we're taking to eliminate this hate-filled evil shit from our website. Literally, there's no other.

It's the easiest press release to write. It would take you six minutes to write this press release. And then fire yourself as CEO. Yeah. Then immediately fire yourself and be like, I fucked up. I'm going to own this. Someone else should come in and run this company. I did not do a good job. The end. Yeah. But I still own it, but I'm just going to have somebody else do it. Instead, he's out in front of it. And he's like, no, fucking they're the bad ones. Because what he's saying is that they fabricated this. Well, and I mean, part of his defense was, look, most of the ads aren't on Nazi shit. It's only a tiny percentage. Like he literally says, it's only a tiny percentage of the advertising spend ended up on this Nazi shit. And they pulled all of their money, even though, you know, almost nobody saw this Nazi shit. And it's like, you're missing the point, man.

Yeah, I do. You have a platform full of Nazi shit on purpose. It's on purpose, man. I would forgive this. I really would. If they had built a filter to get rid of Nazi shit with good intention and good faith. And it didn't work a hundred percent. Right. Because like, I'm a, I will allow for some mistakes. Of course I would. I mean, I recognize that like nothing is perfect. And if it happened and he was like, oh my God, our filter should have caught this. You know, I'm so sorry. We're going to tighten down our filters in the meantime., obviously, we've taken this down. Our hearts go out. We're going to donate some money, in fact, to these causes. So easy.

This is so easy. There's nothing to any of this. There's nothing to any of this. It's so easy. And all of that, the right thing to do is always easy, right? The right thing to do is always known. I don't want to say it's always easy, but it's always easy to know what the right thing to do is.

Every year we join forces with the Scathing Atheist podcast to raise money for modest needs. And I just want to, before we start, give a huge shout out to the entire community who came together to give to such a wonderful cause. And we continue the roasting that has been going on on the Scathing Atheist podcast. We invite Heath and his co-hosts from that podcast and a bunch of other shows. They join us today. Wow. He starts one cooking show and all of a sudden, he can't remember the little people, Heath. Unbelievable. All right. The drive is over and we are super proud to have raised Ian. With the 150K match, the total is $329,959.30. But before we jump in, we have to thank our favorite flavor of donor.

Those folks who gave us money and asked naught but gratitude in return. Truly, you are the best. So a big thanks to Mike B., Maggie S., and Martin H. for tossing us money for nothing. We also want to thank Laurent B. and Robbie for giving twice as much money for nothing. And last but most instead of least, I want to give a big, wet, slobby thank you to Michael M. who donated $1,454 for absolutely no reason other than his giant, fantastic heart and jealous. Wow. Eli, the first one's for you.

yes wow eli the first one's for you mockingbird nation uh would like you to roast the mra notion that women can't fight okay why is it the men making these arguments are always the guys guaranteed to shit their pants at the prospect of a thumb wrestle with every woman i know right it's never a champion boxer an mma fighter It's Ben Shapiro telling me about how much broader his shoulders are genetically while he nearly comes to a point like a number two fucking pencil. Guys, guys, stop bothering us with this argument. Just head down to your local boxing or MMA gym, find the biggest lady you can, and explain that you're willing to take it easy on her.

It'll all work itself out in payroll. Okay, man. All right, Heath, this next one seems up your alley. Patrick would like a roast of people who say we the people. Okay, so yeah, there's two types of we the people people. If you unironically used the phrase we the people, you're either a writing the preamble to the constitution because you are in fact, Pennsylvania delegate, Gouverneur Morris, or B you're being forcibly removed from a Wendy's for a hate crime right now.

And you're missing your shirt or your pants for sure. Maybe both. And if you're alive, it's B and your political opinions are are worse than a slave-owning white guy named Gouverneur from Pennsylvania. Who died trying to clear a blockage in his urethra with a whale bone. I need everyone to know that. Cecil, this next one's for you.

It's 100% true and it's so important. Cecil, this next one's for you. Jason would like you to roast Ted Cruz. All right. So you know when you walk in a room and you see someone that you know and you excitedly say their name and then they return the greeting,

but then you put your hand up for a high five, right? But then as you do, they turn around and they don't see your hand up there. And so you stand there with your hand sort of awkwardly up in the air, sort of waiting, trying to decide, do I put my hand down? Do I wait for my

turn around i'm not sure here and then so much after what seems like many consecutive eternities you decide you know what i'm i'm just gonna fucking put my hand down and as your hand is nearly down they turn back and then they they see your hand was up so they quickly raise their hand and then so you think you're gonna you're gonna high five but they're going for a fist bump and then you kind of awkwardly grab their fists with your open hand and then and then you don't know what to do so you kind of shake it right Right? You're just like, you shake their hand. Now, imagine if your life were a never-ending series of that interaction. That is Ted Cruz. That's Ted Cruz.

That's Ted Cruz. It's fantastic. All right, Tom, this one's for you. Dennis would like you to roast his friend, Patrick. Ah, yeah, this is one of those roasts where it's someone's friend, and he's really a great guy, but wouldn't it be funny if Tom roasted him? Oh, he, oh,

ha. And here's a picture of some boilerplate guy you can't really roast because as soon as you blink, you've already forgotten what he looks like. And oh, guys, he's actually an immigration attorney, so, you know, that should humble you. And then here is this line.

Here's this line. Quote, he has to be reminded to wash his hands after using the bathroom. What? And I am gobsmacked. I am floored. I am properly fucking shook. Patrick, did you not in the course of your presumably extensive education, take even a single biology or health class?

Were you raised in fact by dysentery? I no longer have to remind my nine-year-old son to wash his hands. But Patrick, as much as I love that boy, he is not going to grow up to be a lawyer. You don't reflexively just wash your hands on the way out of the bathroom. Fucking hell, man. Do you even wipe? Do you have to be told still to chew with your fucking mouth shut?

Patrick, how are you still alive? Why are you still alive? Okay. I mean, a man, your size has to be dropping some serious weight off at the pool, Patrick, and you're not washing up?

You need a fucking minder, a nanny, so you don't spread shit germs around you like you work at the fucking Chipotle? Like, I know it says that you're a fan of the show, Patrick, but if we ever return to doing live shows and you look around and you wonder hey why isn't tom there it's because every time i meet one of the great unwashed masses i have to go disinfect myself and shudder and swear that i'll never do this again okay we're we're all pretending we wash our hands okay that's fine and so no no i also wash my hands every time i take a shit every single time what i go and wash my hands what the fuck is wrong with you man you're gonna have to start

putting your things back i feel like it's like especially because like one in 20 if you have a really bad time covered in blood when he walks out of there you gotta wash your hand thank you i felt the support from heath now. Thank you, Heath. Yeah. The blood kills the stuff in the food. Yes, it's a disinfectant. Nature's blood. Alright, here's another one for Heath. Jacob gave us an incredibly generous and

infuriating donation of $555.54 for you to roast the CEO of UPS, Carol B. Tomei. Okay, yeah, so I looked up Carol Tomei, and apparently she's one of the only women in the history of the Illuminati Rich People Club, and that is impressive.

Just like her and Hillary Clinton walking around the Illuminati meeting, like they're at a gamer convention, being like, wow, lots of dudes. Lots of dudes. I mean, I guess we'll fucking eat some kids, but like buddy system, the two of us, I guess, for safety. That being said, Carol Tomei spent most of her career as a top executive exploiting the fuck out of her employees. Sorry, also known as career as a top executive.

Then in 2021, she claimed that she turned a corner philosophically and decided to be pro-labor. But she's a fucking liar and she still donates a whole bunch of money to anti-union Republicans. But most importantly, she can't get her piece of shit workers

to deliver my artisanal coffee within two days of the roasting date and put it in the mail area on the inside of the door of my building because they can't work a simple call box. God damn it. If you're going to exploit

the workers, at least do it well. Come on. Thank you. And I support you, Elise. All right, Cecil, this next one is for you.

Diana would like a roast of her boss, Catherine. Oh, looks like someone anthropomorphized crying into your pillow because you have a dead-end career.

Interesting. Looks like she demands people use her assistant director title someone anthropomorphized crying into your pillow because you have a dead-end career interesting looks like she demands people use her assistant director title when they address her yeah she looks like she gives the pizza guy a one dollar tip for delivering 20 pizzas because like he only had to come on one place and his delivery isn't that hard so it's just one dollar come on hey eli why don't you roast andrea's brother-in-law charlie oh all right well andrea loves her brother-in-law which is very lovely um but you know who doesn't love charlie the falcon he's with in this photo my god that's right charlie is a falconer in case anyone listening needs a side character in a boring fantasy novel to die.

And the Falcon in this photo is so fucking embarrassed by being falconed by Charlie. He's like, what the fuck? You're a falconer? You look like the Lorax's Republican dad and I have to perch majestically on your arm? Don't even look at me, dude. Don't even look at me, dude. Don't even look.

All right, Tom. Another one for you. Tom would like a roast of his ex-wife, Erin. I really, really hate the new trend of labeling everyone that we don't like or love anymore who has done us wrong as a narcissist. The armchair diagnostic labeling of others by non-experts for the purpose of categorizing as defective those who have hurt us is not only inaccurate and dishonest, but it is unproductive. So I don't know, Tom, that I can

call your ex a narcissist, and I don't know that you can either, but you don't need to. What you can do is to see her. And that is the most devastating thing you can do for people like Aaron. The Aarons of the world, and there are plenty, they run a constant story. They weave a tale. They try to control not just their narrative, but your narrative and that of everyone within their orbit. They try to recast and reshape reality as a distraction so they can see themselves as the victim hero. Everyone is always doing them wrong, even as they set fire after fire all around themselves. Everyone else is always to blame.

Everyone else is the bad guy, even as their hands hold the knife. But Tom, I promise, and I know what I'm talking about. All you have to do is see it. That's all it takes, man. Just see it. By seeing it, all the power slips away. The story melts like rendered fat against the blazing heat of truth. And all that is left is the grease stain of lies.

The errands always lose. They lose their friends first, their families after. They lose their work and their purpose. And the whole time that they are in free fall, they will tell a story of how the clouds are to blame for not holding them up, how gravity has hurt them, how even as the ground rushes to greet them for their folly, they are not to blame. Tom, all you have to do is to see. It may take time for her stories to fall apart, for the threads to unwind, but it happens.

And I promise that when you finally see her, finally, clearly, she will fade and fade and fade until, like everyone once in her orbit, you too have to squint to make out the shape of her. That's the buzzer, which means it's time for another... I don't understand why we can't use the boomy voice all year Cecil because you would abuse it Tom see see okay for this spightening round we're gonna be uh talking about a few more political pricks I know given the results of the most recent election it feels a little bit like kicking someone while they're down but if anyone deserves deserves it, it's these folks. So why don't we help each of the following roasties with a new political slogan? Big thanks to Don A, James R, Melissa P, and Jane, and Jane and Steven for their donations. Eli, why don't you start us off by telling us what Mitch McConnell's new slogan is?

Thanks to Don for the donation. Ooh, Mitch McConnell, sending the country to shit way before I did it to my pants. All right, Tom. What would the mayor of Fresno, California put on his new posters? Jerry Dyer.

Too bad he just won't. Okay, Heath. Your target is Gracie vandermark a city council member in huntington beach california who's trying to ban books that have gay people existing what does gracie say to win the hearts and minds of her constituency okay i know we're doing like a lightning round thing but the details i just learned about this person are too absurd to skip over. Her qualifications for city council include teaming up with a literal hate group to disrupt a committee for racial justice meeting in Santa Monica and saying that, quote, colored people are following the orders of the old Jewish.

Yikes. She's a person of color, by the way. Gracie is. She also claims that America is in danger from creeping Sharia law. She's also a Holocaust denier. Fucking pick a side, weird. And here's my favorite part. According to a sworn statement in her divorce case,

several people witnessed Gracie hearing the word hypnotize in a conversation and immediately falling to the ground and passing out. In that same court document, Gracie's sister explained that ever since they went to Magic Mountain and saw a magic show, Gracie can't hear the word hypnotize without passing out on the ground. That's incredible. That's amazing. So, okay, campaign slogan, Gracie vandermark don't say hypnotized fuck i'm calling her every day of her life to say hypnotized that's my thing now that's what i do i'll wrap up the spighting round by suggesting uh what's uh solomon pena from the new mexico

house of representatives new slogan will be. And so Pena, I read this. This is from Wikipedia here. Pena was arrested on January 16th, 2023 for allegedly hiring men to shoot at various Democratic politicians in response to his loss for the November election, end quote. Shooting guns? Yes, shooting guns.

And so for the slogan, I'm going to go with drive by any means necessary. Excellent. All right. Enough of the dime and penny stuff. Now to roast some of our big money targets. These folks earned themselves a spot on our top 100 roasters. So they guaranteed themselves a spot in our charity fundraiser because when it comes to doing good, more is more.

Let's start by going in on all the women who staffed the Republican polling table on Election Day for Mary. Okay. Ladies, I don't want to compare you to Nazis because it feels unfair to Nazis because you had Nazis as an example, but Nazis did not. You're strike two Nazis. Ah, yes.

The Jews for Jesus of women. That's fun. I mean, blink twice if you're being kidnapped, but otherwise, fuck you. You're Aunt Thomasina. You're the worst. A woman staffing the Republican polling table is a great way to make sure

next time someone's done polling her, she only has one choice in her ballot box. All right, Heath, this next one's for you. Mark would like you to roast people who are taller than you okay you're all making it weird you look ridiculous absolutely ridiculous i'm walking around like a decent human being a decent tall human being being tacitly and politely superior to a reasonable extent and then everyone's day gets ruined when fucking Osama bin Laden with Abe Lincoln on his shoulders

inside of a giant trench coat and a stovepipe hat walks by and freaks everyone out. 6-4 is good. Top of the pyramid stock. 6-5 is gauche. Read a book. It's ridiculous.

All right. Speaking of solo missions, Eli, Michael, Eric would like you to roast the greatest christmas gift you've ever given i mean okay the best christmas gift i've ever given is definitely roast worthy because you see heath and i had been in a christmas topping battle for years back and forth me winning one year him winning the next and so on it was it was back and forth was there a lot of even there was an even i don't remember what the score was but the point is that an incredibly stupid plan in my head for him you know what would win i thought

to myself you should send your friend to europe even though he's perfectly capable of sending himself there so first i had to ask my wife's permission. Let me tell you, that was a fun conversation. Let me, that was great. And then I had to do it responsibly. So I opened a savings account for the purpose.

I made a code in my banking account for this idea. And then when the moment came, it was just fucking weird. I might as well have proposed with a diamond necklace it was just so incredibly wet fartingly unpleasant that we had to stop having present battles like i brought framing someone for child rape into a prank war at camp so yes michael the nicest christmas gift I ever gave is definitely roast worthy. And every time my wife opens her Christmas presents and it's not a trip to Europe, Michael,

deep, deep in her eyes, I am reminded of that. Okay. That was my 40th birthday present. First of all, not a Christmas present. And you split it with Anne. I did. Just to be clear. She came in at the last minute.

That was my plan. Came in at the last minute. That was my plan. Came in at the last minute. Okay, here's a mini dealer's choice. Aaron would like us to roast Friends of the Show's Cara Santamaria or Michael Marshall. Pick one. It feels weird to say this because I do this year-round for free. It's like asking Tom to

refuse to change his mind about a bad idea. But as someone who sees Marsh on a more regular basis than most, I think I can add something to this conversation. Marsh, stop trying to grow a mustache. You think we don't notice, but we do. Did Marsh miss a shave again or did he wipe his ass with his top lip? It's never going to grow the rest of the way in, Marsh. Stop experimenting. Stop experimenting.

Stop it. You have to stop. Marsh looks like someone ran the Pillsbury Doughboy through a sheeter. And I know you guys don't, but there are two bakers that are touching their nose in the audience right now with how spot on that is. Trust me.

Okay, Kara thinks it's jif instead of gif done with roast like seriously on the way back from stockholm we should have gone to the hague war crime war you're hitler i mean at least the nazis were socialists but like you're you get what i'm saying when you're hitler all right cara and marsh are both professional science communicators and skeptics for hire, but Kara drives a nicer car and her phone rings a hell of a lot more. And I think we're supposed to pretend we don't know why, but suffice it to say that Marsh is now thinking of getting himself a lip ring. All right, a few more dog piles here.

Friend of the show, Stormy D, would like us to take a shot at book bans so i'll go first book banning in the time of the internet is like building a chain link fence around your yard and the declaring that you banished all the mosquitoes like fucking good luck dude exactly and if any students are listening right now in places with bigots doing book bans. Here's what just happened. A group of terrible people just made a big list of pranks and said, please don't do these pranks to us. We'll fly into a rage and start ugly crying, and that would not be funny. So find those books. Read them.

Insist on reading them aloud after the Pledge of Allegiance. Reenact the books at school. Dress up as a boy penguin. Make out with another boy penguin if that sounds fun to the two of you. They're giving you the answer key to their fears and weaknesses because they're fucking idiots. Go with it.

Do you ever think there's a moment where someone's banning a book and they look down the long line of history at the long line of villains to come before them and think huh look at that i'm the very first good guy to be doing as a parent of teenagers desperate to cajole them into reading literally anything it is an actual selling point to tell a teenager a book is banned.

I mean, if anything, I'm for banning books. Let's ban more books. Let's ban everything we actually want our kids to read. Let's create lists of, oh, you better not read this. It's subversive. And then send them out on the internet so kids can rebel by reading banned fucking books. What's next? You're going to tell all the kids at the sock hop they can't dance so close while they're doing the twist? Get the fuck out of here, banned books. What's next? You're going to tell all the kids at the sock hop they can't dance so close while they're doing the twist. Get the fuck out of here, banned books. If you gave a shit about

anything real, there is no end of poisonous fucking media you would ban or at least restrict. But you're going after books because they don't have to pull their kids off a 4chan long enough to have a conversation with. All right. This one feels like it's part of the job, but I love to do it. So it's extra. This is great. Let's all have a crack at the Ark encounter

from Answers in Genesis. So thank you, Andrew S., for doing this. I got it. Listen, I will never, ever forget my actual trip to the Ark Park with you, Cecil, and waiting in line for such scintillating displays as a broom similar to what might have been used to clean the ark that's for real that's there or the big turtle with no shell blob statue turtle that was there

too but i will always remember and i am not kidding that the longest line that day was for people to gawk in awe at a diorama of people sinning before they were sent to hell because even on an exhibit that is a literal testimony to genocide as punishment for fun people will still line up to rubberneck the fun answers in genesis are the only people to shovel more shit than Noah's sons. Absolutely right. Did the broom have a whole bunch of animal shit on it? It was just a broom, man. It was just a broom with a plank next to it.

It was the dumbest shit you ever saw. It's the best. Answers in Genesis has a wall that has the 300 kinds of animals or whatever the fuck. And every single time I fucking think about that wall, I laugh. I'm standing in the grocery store, changing a diaper, reading a book. And then I remember that some poor schlub had to come up with a fucking category that included rhinos, elephants, and vultures. And I will laugh anew at the monument to insanity that is the wall of 300

kinds of animals or whatever the fuck it is. I actually have a similar experience whenever I remember that the Ark Encounter sued their insurance company after the access roads that lead to the park got damaged by heavy rains and flooding. So the irony alone is amazing but my favorite part is that ken ham built a 500 foot long anti-flooding box to the exact specs from the omnipotent creator of the universe in his head and he also bought blood insurance for that thing but apparently not the premium policy so he didn't get paid out enough to cover the damage they they claimed a million dollars in damage and then the insurance

company sent him way less than that and said yeah please sue us for flood damage to your please do that let's all take a shot at Utah representative Burgess Owens. Thank you, Daniel S. I'm going to start here. This is the author of Liberalism or How to Turn Good Men into Winers, Weenies, and Wimps, proving that any old word salad can get the Republicans to turn you into house dressing. Well, as a Mormon idiot, Burgess Owens believes that his reward for doing good works will eventually be to be jettisoned off to another planet. And while he and I don't agree

on the process, I have to admit I'm 100% on board with the final result. Okay, well, apparently he was a really good football player, but then after his football career, he started a company that sold electronics to other companies that would help those other companies track business expenses. And his company went bankrupt when they rang up too many business expenses. So good. That's a real thing that happened. Okay. I have to talk about this. Burgess Owens is 72 years old, which means he was 27 years old when the Mormon church of which he is a

member admitted. He, an African American gentleman has a soul. Oh God. He was 62 when the church admitted that he won't turn white as a reward when he dies. For those of you doing the math that was 10 years ago and if that doesn't explain the allies he's making upstairs with his politics nothing will

fucking hell all right highest donor of the fundraiser so far kicking in 5 000 motherfucking dollars david would like us to roast people who play video games without headphones. Okay. You should be able to hunt these people for sport. I'm not joking. If you hear the telltale bing of Candy Crush on a bus, everyone should descend on that person

like it's the fucking purge. Because I promise you, nobody playing video games without headphones is contributing anything but those noises to society. You're safe. You're safe. Do it. So good.

Those people absolutely suck. But I got to admit, it's really fun to go right up to them and just yell, Hadalken, Hadalken, over and over and over until they turn that sound off. Sometimes they don't. You get to really commit to that bit where the fuck do you think you are you're in public a public space a shared space a communal space and you have decided this is the time and the place for you to blast from the tinny shit speakers of your goddamn phone some obnoxious bleep bleep bullshit to assault the ears of every man woman and child in your vicinity for fucking what student connect some dots or save a castle that isn't there from

a threat that isn't real so you can be a hero to literally no one that has ever felt a pulse in their veins this moment this public moment is when you felt the need to broadcast your anti-mating call your incel call to prayer this is the hill you just won't fucking die on when you walk out into the traffic with your stupid neck craned downward at your phone and you are run over by a sob know that no one else around you will. Great use of wordplay at the end there. Fantastic. All right.

That's going to wrap it up for this particular episode of Vulgarity for Charity. However, there will be many more in the future. Heath and Eli, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks, guys. Mwah!

Kick the party! All right. We want to thank Eli and Heath for joining us today for our installment of Vulgarity for Charity. We are happy that the Scathing Atheist crew invites us every year to do this with them. We are happy to do it and we hope you enjoyed that segment.

We will be back many different segments between now and the beginning of next year. We'll be doing some on their show, some on our show. There might even be some extra shows that are full charity for charities that will be releasing on Thursdays for people on our stream, on our feed, because we know that there's a lot of roasts that need to go out and we want to make sure that everybody gets their roast this year. All right, that is going to wrap it up for this week.

We will see you on next Monday with something, but we will leave you like we always do with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info-docutainment. Ed Pan sales pitch, late night info docutainment.

Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, Atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides. Thrust your hands.

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