Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 738: Stories from a New Dystopia

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat.

Today is Thursday, January the 4 4th we're in it buddy this is like we are we're four days in we've only got 361 left to go and we're it's gonna be a straight countdown all year i feel like it's gonna be a straight countdown nail biting pearl clutching here we go we're four days down, Cecil. All right. Let's run through some stories. Today's going to be a funny news show. I don't know if the first one's not super funny, Tom. This one's not actually

super funny. I put it in here because I know that this is your dystopia and I'm just here for the ride. So I just like, I'm a herald. I'm along for Tom's dystopia. And so I'm like the shotgun. I ride along for Tom's dystopia. And so I'm like the shotgun. I ride shotgun in Tom's dystopia. And like every couple weeks,

there's a new story that comes out that confirms another fear of Tom's. Yeah, like, can I be wrong, please? Like, can I just like- I know, I know. Tom gets to be wrong about certain things, but not about this. And very specifically, you know, many things have come to fruition that are frightening.

And straight out of dystopian novels, straight out of dystopian television shows. And this first story is an example of that. And I am here for it. Jesus fucking Christ. This is from TechCrunch. The new American dream is to get Mr. Beast to pay off your debt. But it gets worse. It is so much worse than that. So my to get Mr. Beast to pay off your debt, but it gets worse. It is so much worse than that.

So my kids watch Mr. Beast. So I have seen a fair amount. Like I don't, I've never watched one like start to finish, but like they've been on in the background as the sort of like backdrop of my life now for years. He's Mr. Beast. Have you seen any of these Mr. Beast? I have never watched a sync, but I know what he does. I just don't, I've never sat through a video of his. So like it's fucking, I think he's like the biggest YouTuber. Like I think it's,

I think it might be like the actual biggest YouTuber. And so as a result, you know, massively, massively wealthy. And his shtick is that he goes around and basically gives away money. Like that's the whole shtick. And sometimes he'll make people like do things for it. And in the beginning he made them do like relatively innocuous shit for it. But of course, like that has to always, everything kind of gets boiling frog. Right. So like every, every, he's got to get another step up. Right. So like, you know, the, the, just, you know, giving a straight, you know, giving a waiter a thousand dollar tip. Well, that's great. the first time you do it. And then maybe it's like great when it's a ten thousand dollar tip.

But like now you got to make the waiter do like a dance, you know, to fucking dance, monkey dance. And now they're doing like increasingly bizarre and difficult shit such that like we're straight up squid games, man. Like, yeah, man, we're we're at a place where it's like like and and and the article references it like we're at a place now where we are unironically looking at recent dystopian fucking fiction and we're like hey what if we did that what if we did that instead and called it that that's the part cecil that like i remember the first time did you read brave new world i did and years ago so i don't remember this story very well it's actually not a very good story but i liked it when i was in high school like in brave new world the drug that

keeps everybody happy and compliant with the sort of like nouveau cast system that has been created is a drug called soma it's created in brave new world that is an actual pharmaceutical now that somebody was like what should we so people gathered around a table cecil and they said what should we name our drug pitch and they're like what about the drug developed to keep the fucking unwashed masses compliant in a fucking dystopian fiction novel by aldous huxley and everybody's like good yes let's do that vote my vote let's go to lunch i don't get it at either time that the fucking they they named a food replacement supplement soil and you're just like you're like dude that's made from people.

That's the fucking punchline of that movie. Right. Like that's literally the line in the movie. He's like where he, the big reveal. I'm sorry if I spoiled a 60 year old movie for you just now, but, but you know,

the big line in the whole thing, also Rosebud is his sled. But anyway, this, if he's screaming, he's screaming Soylent Green is people it's made of people because they're taking all the dead bodies and they're turning them into crackers and then people are eating the crackers being like this Soylent fucking

rocks dude this is amazing have you put a little bit of cheese whiz on this Soylent and it fucking rules and then some dude looks around his kitchen throws a bunch of fucking flour and flavorings in a big jar. And he's like, I'm not going to eat anything anymore. I'm just going to drink my meals. And then he's like, what do I call it? And he fucking picks Soylent out of the air. I know, man. What? Have you watched the Black Mirror? You watched Black Mirror, right? I've

watched some of them. Yeah. I haven't watched them all, I don't think. One of the very first episodes, Cecil, one of the very first episodes of Black Mirror is like somebody goes in a warehouse. I think they're going to steal some shit. I don't remember. They go into a warehouse. They're going to steal some shit.

The warehouse has a fucking like an AI-powered guard dog robot. And the person runs away. And the guard dog robot pretty much like tracks this person across fucking Hill and Dale until they finally like wear them down and kill them. The guard dog robot is the sort of like indestructible, untiring machine of like vengeance, right? of like vengeance, right? The other day, I'm reading a fucking article about the U.S. military buying machine gun outfitted robot dogs, AI powered robot dogs. And I'm like, can we do one? Can we like, can we just agree that like dystopian fiction is supposed to be a list of do nots, not like do's? No, we keep on doing that.

We keep doing the dues, man. Also, I got to ask you a question. Yeah, yeah. So like this Mr. Beast guy, when he starts out, he's giving people a thousand bucks or whatever. He's like, oh, I pay.

Hey, you came in. You served me a pizza and here's a fucking thousand dollars or whatever. And then he has to up the ante, blah, blah, blah. But now he's like locking people up for like a hundred days in like a small

box or whatever he's like doing some weird some weird shit so Tom gets a chance to be on Mr. Beast in any time in history do you go for the easy all I did was have to serve him and I got a couple grand out of it or do you go for like the hey he's gonna pay off my house

if I like sit in this fucking like I don't know, latrine or whatever, 20 days or whatever you have to do. Which do you do, Tom? Do you do the one that's like big payoff really sucks? Or do you do the one that's like, I didn't do a lot, but I only got five grand and I'm okay with that. Yeah. Well, so here's the, here's the thing.

And I think this, this article actually speaks to that. Like I am privileged enough that I would be able to answer the first, right? Like, I would be like, yeah, I'll take the fucking thousand bucks for basically just like waking up and going to work and doing my job today. Yeah. I would do that. That's how I am too. That's exactly what I was thinking.

But I'll tell you. I'm privileged enough to say, fuck you. Like, I don't need, like, I don't need your, yeah. But was there a time in my life for most of the time of my life that I've been like, yeah, I'll live in a poor fucking portage on for 90 days or whatever horrible shit. Yeah, I'll like like Mr. Beast and to be to his, I guess, credit maybe, but like to his celebrity would probably be a better way to say it. He'll do some of these challenges himself. Right. So he'll like live in a coffin for 10 days or, you know, and who knows where he shits.

I don't know. Like he'll do all this stuff. So he'll do some of this stuff. But there was like a big chunk of my life where financially I was desperate enough that I would have been, I would have been like knocking people with elbows out of my way to like live in a fucking porta potty for six months for a hundred grand. Right. I'd have been like, I would a hundred percent do that. If this dude would have came to me before I went to college. Yeah. Oh my God. Are you kidding me? In a second, in a second, I would have said yes. And for several years for me out of college, like I had some like, Oh no, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just saying like one point. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Decades out of college. I'd have said, yes, you're kidding me. Yeah. So like, so I,

so like my answer is sort of like, well now I'm 45 and like, I've kind of got my shit together financially, thankfully through, you know, a combination of extremely good luck and some hard work. But like, yeah, for most of my life I'd have been like,

yeah, man, like lock me up in a fucking airless room or, you know, shoot fucking, you know, pins and needles at my balls or whatever you got to do. I'll fight 30 people in this sumo suit to win.

Yeah, whatever, man. Do it. Let's rock this shit. This is like, could we do like, can we point out the flaws of capitalism anymore? Like, can we just have a show called Late Stage Capitalism? It hurts us all. Is that what he's doing? You think that's what he's, you think his like, his like grand scheme is,

ha ha, I'm going to point out all the evil. Cause the thing is, is I don't think it's working. No, the, the, the problem is that like, it can't work because the demographic that it appeals to is desperate for both the entertainment and the result. Yeah. So like the problem is like those people are, they cannot have the perspective necessary because they're too hungry. They're hungry for the entertainment and they're hungry for the money. So, and they're the demographic this is appealing to. It's not guys like me.

Like guys like me are like watching Mr. Beast and being like, well, fucking, I don't need the money, you know, and you're not interesting. So it's like, I'm not the right demo. Oh God, this is a fucking boomer story. If ever there was a boomer story, this comes from 25 News, your home team. Grandparents mistakenly buy $10,000 worth of Disney Plus gift cards instead of Disney Parks gift cards for family trip. Oh, so amazing. This is great.

It's a streaming service. Yeah, they've got to pay. I wonder if when they gave them the refund they were like okay what we can do the best we can do is we can stream a trip to Disney for you so we'll live stream

someone walking around the park and you have to you're stuck with 10,000 hours of fucking Disney Plus or whatever you get a virtual tour

can I get a virtual tour with the Fastpass at least internet yeah I get a virtual tour of you waiting in line. He's got to wait an hour, like an hour

and a half to get on fucking Space Mountain or whatever. I got to pay $10,000 for this. You're just in the bathroom line now. That's all you're doing. Oh, God. This feels like something that would happen on like a Kit Bogus stream though, doesn't it? Like, if you don't know who Kit Bogus is, he's a scambaiter

on Twitch. And what he does is he gets, people will send him numbers or whatever. And he calls these people back because they'll call you and be like, oh, there's a problem with your security code on Amazon or whatever. And then he'll call them back and then he will, he will pretend to be someone and say, oh yeah, you know, I have this big problem now and he's trying to fix it. And then he basically scam baits them for hours and keeps them on the phone like all day. And he has a really ingenious setup in that many of these people will try to use your computer. They'll try to log into your computer remotely. And then they very quickly just change a little bit of script on a website to make it look like they overpaid you money. And then you have to go to your bank and get the money out and give them back.

But it's really just that the webpage, there was a script error in the webpage that they created while they were in your computer. And he has like a whole, he's created like a labyrinthian system for them to have to work through and password nonsense. And he just does so many funny things. He's really funny.

But one of the, one of the scams is, is that they make you get gift cards. And so what they do is they say, oh, we paid you extra $2,000. Just go to the, go buy $2,000 with the gift cards. And if you read them off to me, then that's, that's as good. My boss said, that'll be just as good. And so you can do that, which sounds crazy when you say it out loud, but, but they, but people believe it and they send gift cards or whatever. And this is exactly what one of those would be where he said,

okay, I got your Disney gift cards. And he starts reading off and they're like, that's a Disney plus. He's like, I don't know what to do. And he starts screaming. That's what this feels like.

It feels like it's a manufactured, like scam bait. It does. And also like that, what they did is they went to Costco because at Costco you could like spend a certain amount of money and get a discount. So you could get like, you spend a hundred dollars and get, you know, $125 worth of gift cards or some shit like that. Right.

So they thought they were going to like stack and stack and stack these deals for their like upcoming family trip to Disney. And I'm sort of like, I'm sympathetic to that. But like, if you look at the picture, Cecil, the number of fucking Disney plus gift cards that they bought in person at the store, what the fuck employee is letting somebody buy $10,000 if you're, I mean honestly what a kind of an asshole if you're paying me

what they pay me at those clubs I am 100% not caring at all I would never be able to sell that to some old person man beep beep beep I would have to say something I would have to say something. I would have to say something. I'd have to be like, you must really love streaming Disney plus

what the fuck is going on? Like, I bet you somebody probably did say you guys must really love Disney. Yeah. And maybe, and they thought, you know, I bet you somebody probably did try to stop them, but they didn't put two and two together. And, you know, the buyer went in there and bought a bet. And here's the thing, like all's well that ends well, this, this, this family got a refund on these things from Disney themselves. So they got what they wanted anyway. Um, the streaming ones got back, sent back and they got all these brand new, you know, other gift cards so they could spend time with their family. And, you know, like even in the story, a lot of people are like, man, this is well out of my tax bracket to care about or whatever

because this family lost a lot of money on this. But genuinely, the story ends where nobody's hurt, right? Disney doesn't care. The store got paid. Everybody's going to where they wanted to be, the destination. Everything worked out in the end. But yeah, I think probably what happened

because I can imagine your exact scenario Tom where somebody is like man you guys really like Disney huh this would like take you 63 years to use up what you're doing this story comes from CBS News the Denver Zoo didn't know who the

father of a baby orangutan was they called in Maury Povich to deliver the paternity test results tom let's listen to the paternity test oh my god this is fucking beautiful yeah here we go also real quick guys he's in a fucking full-on tux doing this i want you to just know like it's maury he's doing this and he's in a fucking tux he's in a full-on tux absolutely it's amazing please don't send me your corrections on how to pronounce that word. I've never pronounced that fucking primate's name right.

I don't think it's orangutan or whatever. Here we go. All right. Now, we want to thank the Denver Zoo for everything they do. But this is really important. When it comes to the orangutan, four-month-old Sisqa, Barani, you are the father.

They just cut back to the zoo and it cuts back to the father who's swinging on, he's now, he's swinging on this, he's like going crazy, just swinging around inside of a big jungle gym. He's the father! Oh my fucking God.

That is so fucking amazing. I fucking love that so much, Tom. I just love this. I love, I love, I just love the ingenuity of the zoo going out of their way to do this thing and then have Maury, you know, what a champ. This guy's, he's basically been a parasite off of people's like fucking failed lives for

decades. So he might as well do one thing good and this is a great thing. I kind of wish when I read this that they would have been like Barani you are not the father and then like Barani the fucking primate was like fucking dancing around

and like the other one was like, ah, like pulling its hair out. Or he's mad. Yeah. Yeah, he's mad.

He's like beating things on the ground and he breaks up with the Rangitang girlfriend and then moves on. That would have been fucking amazing. Gets a small studio apartment

downtown and restarts his life, you know? It's a jungle out know? It's a jungle out here. It's a jungle out there. No more monkey business on the Maury show. Fucking, I know it's not a monkey.

Alright, so this story comes to the register. Phillips recalls 340 MRI machines because they may explode in an emergency. They might what now? They might what now, Tom? Rapid. Jesus. The byline under this is great.

Rapid unscheduled disassembly. Not exactly a desirable quality for medical imaging equipment. So rapid unscheduled disassembly. not exactly a desirable quality for medical imaging equipment. So rapid unscheduled disassembly. My other favorite part of this article too is they're talking about what happens. And I guess at a certain point, the helium isn't enough to like super cool a part of it. And it goes through a process called quenching, right?

And it says during a quench, which is not common, a large amount of helium evaporates and is vented outside the building through a venting system. If an unknown blockage is present, the venting system, in the venting system, the pressure exceeds the design limits,

the structural integrity of the system could be compromised. And then the next line is the best. While a quench may not be common, it isn't terribly desirable. Because the machine explodes. It blows up. And it's like a

magnet and it's all like held together with like just hope and magnetism. And then it blows up and you're in the middle of it. And fucking insane clown posse when this happens is like, I fucking told you. I told you.

I fucking told you. Nobody knows how that shit works. The problem is they do know how it works and they had a recall. Okay? So insane clown posse is wrong on this one. I'm putting the makeup away. This is not a makeup day. All I can picture, Cecil, is like outside this building

during one of these quenches, there's like this emergency vent of like this huge thing of helium gas. There's like some people walking by. There's like, what the hell is going on? What the fuck just happened here? Did you hear that?

Did you smell something? There's like unexpected chipmunks. How do they work? Yeah. I thought I heard something. What was that? It'd be the fucking most adorable sounding emergency though. You're like,

Run, run, run. I'm gonna run. So this story comes from USA Today. Watch as fluffy 400 pound therapy llamas ease travelers stress at Portland International Airport. And there's a picture, Cecil, of these llamas dressed for Christmas. And it is fucking everything. It is everything.

It's super adorable. But here's the difference between a llama and like a dog in a sweater. Okay? You have a 400 pound animal yep that does not have the wants to go outside gene in it you know what i mean like you gotta go outside do you gotta go for walkies do you gotta go right like dogs are raised to hold it until they can't and they're like dude, dude, I got to go. And then you walk them outside, right? Does there have to be like a little elf that follows the stride and just sweeps up the pellets that it leaves behind? Like, how do you coordinate an animal

that can't control its fucking ball movements and things? And you know, it's going to piss too, right? They just walk and piss everywhere. But Cecil, have you seen, I feel the same way. Have you seen the people doing goat yoga? Have you heard of goat yoga? People go to yoga. That doesn't sound like it smells good.

And then there's goats and that's the whole thing. Okay, hold on now. You've got to go back to the beginning. Go back. Just go back to the beginning. So they go to yoga. Right. And then there's goats.

Then there's just goats. That's it? That's it. That's goat yoga. That's the entirety of it? That's goat yoga. Are they inside, outside? Where are the goats?

Sometimes they're inside. Sometimes these are outside things. They're just fucking like goats at your yoga thing that you do. And you're not saying like the greatest of all time yoga artist either. You're saying like an animal that's a goat. Holy shit, LeBron James doing yoga. Michael Jordan, LeBron James. We got fucking Jerry Rice

over here. Like look at this yoga. It's all goats. No, it's these are like these are just like goats. Like these are like the weird, you know, witch-eyed fucking things that taste bad. Yeah. Like these are like the weird, you know, witch eyed fucking things that taste bad. Yeah. Like, like these are like, it's the goat show.

It's the goat show. Dude. Also like don't llamas spit and stuff. Sure. I guess. I don't know. When llamas get shitty, I've seen them like the zoo. Like when llamas get shitty, they like hock loogies at people.

That's a real thing. I don't know. I don't know if that's only camels and if we're being racist. Oh, wait, shit. Am I, am I a llama racist? Wait a minute. I got to Google this. You're right on the phone. You're doing, right now you got some llama drama going on. Let me tell you. No. Yeah. Llamas can spit. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Um yeah um oh so it is okay they often sneeze to clear their passageways which people may think is spitting because it makes a similar sound but llamas also can spit when they're extremely agitated but it's a last resort so the fucking hock boogers at you sounds like you know what that sounds like if they could spit with their

sheep they sound like my my italian grandmother that's what they say like? If they could spit with their shit, they sound like my Italian grandmother. That's what they sound like. They can spit when they're extremely agitated. So mad they just spit at you. It's amazing. This is not an ideal fucking therapy animal to ease stress. You know what would be a good therapy animal

to ease stress at a fucking airport? Another security line. Open another security line if you want to ease my at a fucking airport. Another security line. Open another security line. If you want to ease my stress at the airport. If you want to ease my stress, just have a guy walking around with free pina coladas. Right. That's how, that's how you do it. You know what they have to do to ease your stress is you have to, you have to like ride

the bucking llama down the, down the way. And then like, after you get off of here, like, yeah, the airport's nothing. The airport is literally nothing compared to bucking llama down the way. And then like, after you get off of here, like, yeah, the airport's nothing. The airport is literally nothing compared to bucking llama. I would, would you, would you ride a bucking llama? Would you ride a bull? I don't, I would not ride a bull.

Tom, that fucking animal weighs like fucking 1800 pounds and it throws you in the air. And then once in a while, and I'm not saying like on occasion, it happens more often than not, people get stepped on. Hard fucking pass on the board. What about the mechanical ball?

Maybe, I guess I would try it as long as they had like mattresses. But I'm getting old and it's just like, I don't want to get on a thing that's going to like fuck me up for a week. Where you're like, oh man, I bruised my fucking hip and I'm so old now. I'm just like, now I got to like get back in my fucking hyperbaric chamber to like get back my humors or whatever. Like I'm not doing that. Like I ain't doing that. I've watched those like videos of like, you know, like at a, like a bar or whatever, they'll have like the mechanical bull and like, you know, some like good looking woman will get on the bull and they turn on like

two, right. And it like bucks and she's like looking all kind of sexy on the thing, you know some like good looking woman will get on the bull and they turn it on like two right and it like bucks and she's like looking all kind of sexy on the thing you know like grinding back and forth and then like some dude gets out

and they crank that fucker to like spinal tap and they shoot that fucking guy across the room and it cracks me up every time inevitably

he will stand up while it's still going and get whacked by the fucking thing get smacked in the fucking face. And you're like, Jesus Christ, man. Come on. You didn't have to kill the man.

You didn't have to kill him. Like, you already hurt him. He just wanted to look cool in front of his friends. Jesus, man. He put his girl up on there. She's looking all hot and cute in front of everybody at the bar. Like, oh, look at me on the ball. That dude gets on there.

And they fucking eject him out of that thing like James Bond in a fucking ejector seat car. You might as well just take him outside and kick the shit out of him. Like, that's the same thing. Like, the bouncers might as well be like, you know what, sir? The bull line is full, but we have an open line for kicking the shit out of you. So you can just go outside and we'll fuck you up. Oh, God.

Oh, God, I love it. All right, Cecil, this story is from Reuters. Four men charged over theft of $6 million gold toilet from English Palace. That is nothing except for the name of this gold toilet, Cecil. This is a sculpture. It's been around for years. The name of the gold toilet, Cecil. This is a sculpture. It's been around for years.

The name of the gold toilet is America. It is a gold art installation of an 18 karat gold shitter called America. It's just plated, right? It's not an 18. How heavy would it have to be? I had the same solid fucking gold. There's no way it's plated. Like it's metal and it's not an 18 how heavy would it have to be so i had the same solid fucking gold there's no way it's plated like it's metal and it's plated i had the same thought i don't know

why it would cost six million dollars though if it was just plated right there's no tom have you tried to move like a porcelain toilet on your own? Yeah, they're heavy. That's a fucking heavy thing. Now, suddenly it's three times as dense as that. Yeah, but like a porcelain shitter is worth $200. You know, this is worth $6 million, right? Yeah, but it's also, if you think about the ounce weights of stuff, I don't know.

I didn't do the math. I think you're probably right. I feel like I want like it just, I don't know. I didn't do the math. I think you're probably right. I feel like I want somebody to do the math. What I want is somebody to do the math. Do the math. Is it $6 million because people are embezzling money and they need to clean it some way, so they bought a $6 million toilet?

Or is it $6 million worth of gold? Yeah, and look. Yeah, and is it part of the art? It's part of the value that it's like a piece of fucking art. Yeah, it's an art or whatever. So it's just like, oh, it's a fucking art. It's like a banana on the wall with duct tape. So it's fucking a million bucks or whatever.

Yeah, somebody made it. No, don't get me wrong. The artistry to make a toilet and then plate it in 18 karat gold, I'm sure is not, that's not, I don't want to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't want to do anything. So I'm sure it's like a,

so, you know, is that worth $6 million to somebody maybe? Or is it that it's like if you walked up and you thought, you know what? I'm late on rent this month.

I got to take a little off the toilet and go down to the pawn shop. He goes scraping. Could you do that? Is that it? Could you break off part of the bowl

and go have a bedroom? Like go have a whole weekend, a whole coke-fueled weekend with part of your toilet? This is a shitty thing to steal. I'm just saying. This is a shitty thing to steal. Where do you fence a

golden toilet? You know? Like, let's say you steal Cecil, a $6 million toilet, and let's assume that the value of it is not the art value. Because then you got to find an art dealer, right? You got to find an art dealer who buys black market, like, art shit. Like, actual shit, right? Nobody's getting that.

So you got to buy, like, you know. You can't go to Pawn Stars. That guy's going to give you, like, 50 bucks. Best I can do. Best I can do is, like, best guy I can do can do is like a regular toilet and a Hershey card. A Disney Plus gift card. I got 10 grand worth of these fucking things I'm trying to get through.

It's amazing. So you have this, you have $6 million, I guess, worth of gold and toilet. What the fuck are you doing with it? Are you trying to like, if you're right, if it's gold-plated, which is probably right, right?

Like, that's the only thing that makes any sense. Like, are you trying to unplate it from the porcelain for its gold value? This seems like a really difficult thing to steal. Like, you're running away

with this fucking toilet in front of you like, ha ha, I did it. I did it. And then you get home and you're just like, why did I do that? Why? What the fuck was I? It's like stealing the whole ATM machine. You know what I mean? Just like, fuck, I got a lot of work in front of me. It really feels, you know, when I read this article though, I want to say like they steal a gold toilet from a palace

and nowhere in here is Royal flush. Not nowhere in here. Not a single time. Like, you missed your pun mark. Oh, God. That's a missed fucking opportunity. Holy shit.

All right. So, I guess you're just going to put nothing but, you know, shit to scare me. That's another one, Tom. Tom,

I am strapped in. I called shotgun. So, I'm sitting in the passenger seat driving down. It would never be that way. I'd be driving. But we're driving. I'm driving you to the apocalypse. And this is our life is a highway moment. Earlier in the show, we had a moment where we wanted to talk about with the audience. What was this? What was the story? I don't even remember it. Oh, it was a dystopian about Mr. Beast.

So we had a dystopian moment earlier, and now we're going to talk about the rise of the machine. So go ahead, Tom. And I'm going to read the whole article. The whole article, because there's no article here. Tesla robot attacked engineer with its claws.

According to the report. I have questions already. Go ahead. Underneath it, it says, trail of blood on the Daily Beast thing. Just a little byline. A robot at Tesla allegedly attacked an engineer, stabbing its metal claws into his back and arm

and leaving a trail of blood on the machinery, according to a 2021 injury report. The resurfaced incident comes amid new concerns over automated technology and reports of injuries in Tesla's factories that have been allegedly swept under the rug. The 2021 report said its worker was given no time off from work, despite eyewitness accounts saying the engineer was severely injured. They said to him, they said to him, look, either you're coming in tomorrow, I send the robot to your house.

said to him, they said to him, look, either you're coming in tomorrow, I send the robot to your house. The next day he wakes up, there's like a robot with giant claws. I'm getting dressed. I'm getting dressed. Come to work if you want to live. I'm getting my wound dressed first and then I'm going to get dressed and I'll actually come to work. We've had multiple workers who were injured and one worker who died whose injuries or death are not in these reports

that Tesla is supposedly supposed to be accurately completing and submitting to the county in order to get tax incentives, said Hannah Alexander, an attorney for the nonprofit workers defense project. End of article, Cecil.

That's the whole article. A fucking machine maimed some engineer with its fucking claws. Why does it have claws? A machine with claws. It was it. You know what I think is they bought a machine down the road from like the place where they shred pulled pork. Have you seen those pulled pork claws that you could buy? I have those pulled pork claws.

Yeah, so you get those pulled pork. Have you seen those pulled pork claws? I have those pulled pork claws. Yeah. So you get those pulled pork claws and then they just had a machine that was just like shredding pulled pork and they thought, we got, we'll figure out a way to use that at Tesla. Why don't you send it over here? And then they just fucking had a pulled pork machine.

So they just like stabbed this guy. They're like, well, long pig will work. I'll just stab this guy. It all tastes the same when you barbecue it. Look, if I learn anything, this is why you don't get inside the crane when you barbecue it. Look, if I learn anything,

this is why you don't get inside the crane game. All right? When you crawl inside the crane game. Yeah. You 100% want to have all your clothes on for sure. Jesus fucking Christ. God, it's amazing. I love the idea that they're like,

this thing stabs somebody and they're like, yeah, no, he's bleeding all over the fucking place. And they're like, no, dude, you got to come. We got to fill your shift. You got to get to work. I mean, you got to fill your shift. And then the computer is like, you will not go home. You will finish your shift.

Take it like a man. Look, I could almost not really. I could almost forgive this if Teslas were not among the worst built cars in America. But they're like, they fucking, they're like, like you look at like how, you know, poorly built and how fucking unreliable these things are. They're unreliability ratings. Teslas are fucking breakdown machines. They break all the time. They're shitty cars.

They weirdly have super high owner satisfaction ratings and crazy low reliability ratings. Like just terrible reliability. Back when they first started coming out, I thought they were cool. And I thought at a certain point, you were interested in buying one. You must have done a lot of research. I really, yeah. That's why I don't have one. I really, really, really wanted one.

I was like, oh man, that's fucking awesome. Like my house that I'm in now, I have a port to plug in an electric car and I'm in the market for a car in May because I got a kid that I'm going to give like an old car to him. I have to get a new car and I'm a hundred percent not buying a Tesla, man.

Like they are not good, reliable cars. They're just not. And like- That truck is ugly too. That truck is fucking, Cecil. That truck is so ugly. Cecil, that is is ugly too. That truck is fucking, Cecil. That truck is so ugly. Cecil, that is the ugliest machine. Did you ever see the Simpsons episode where like Homer's brother owns like a big car company?

And like, he's like, you know what, Homer, no one's ever trusted you to do anything. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to have you design our next car. And he designs this fucking insane looking piece of shit car with like a bubble roof. Did you know what I'm talking about? Have you seen this episode? I saw the car, I think, once. I wasn't, I didn't see the episode. It feels like that. It feels like somebody let their kid

design the car. And then they're just like, fuck, alright, well, we said Jimmy, we gotta build it. We gotta fucking, guys, we gotta build this. I mean, look, it said Jimmy, we got to build it. We got to fucking, guys, we got to build this. I mean, look, it looks like a bad Pinewood Derby car. It looks so bad. It looks so bad.

And the rollouts of this stuff, Tesla itself, they were the pinnacle company for several years when it came to the electric car market. And they were the pinnacle when it was like the hipster movement, when it was like really just starting like a burgeoning movement that they were part of and they were riding that crest. And to stay on top, you create good products, you create reliable products,

you follow the car manufacturers that are doing the best stuff, and you just innovate around those. I mean, it doesn't feel like it should be that difficult to do this. You spend a lot of money in research, you keep researching and keep making your vehicle. It feels like if you had a competent CEO and you were at the top of that mountain with your skateboard getting ready to go down it, you're at the top, and then suddenly it's their absolute shit and the best ones are coming out

of the major car companies now. Yeah, for sure. And I'll tell you what, when you get in a Tesla, especially the Tesla Model 3, which is the only one that's even remotely approaching affordability, you get in a Tesla, like especially like the Tesla Model 3, which is the only one that's even like remotely approaching affordability. You get in a Tesla Model 3, it feels like being inside like a 1997 Kia Sedona. Like it feels cheap. All the materials in it feel cheap.

The fit and finish seems, it feels bad. You shut the door, it feels like it's like slightly off kilter. I've been in a bunch of Ubers that are Teslas and they're so insanely unimpressive inside. And I'm like, this is a $50,000 car. This is not like an inexpensive car. This should be a lot better just for like just the creature comfort side of things. It should just be a lot nicer inside for that price. There's so many videos of people showing like the doors not really meeting up, that the doors don't really fit together. It just doesn't feel like it's machined well. You see it and you think, well, that doesn't look good. Yeah. My,

one of my sales guys has one and same thing. He loves the car, but it's a piece of shit. It's always having problems. And like, he got in it and like this seat, like just like went all the way back and wouldn't go forward again like on the passenger side. He's like, oh, I just got to take it back in and they'll, you know,

they'll take care of it. I'm like, or he could buy something that doesn't break all the time. Yeah. You know, conversely, you could buy something

that doesn't fucking break all the time. They're fucking shitty and they attack their engineers. Somebody's going to buy a Tesla and there's just an engineer in the trunk And it's like, shh, is the robot gone?

Is the robot Don't tell the claw Did we have to name the robot the claw? I don't know, Larry I don't think that's a good I think maybe we shouldn't do that Don't encourage the robot Shit

This story comes from Hellgate, NYC. The NYPD spent $150 million to catch fair beaters who cost the MTA $104,000. This, when I saw this time, I thought this is fucking perfect bureaucracy, right? Perfect. There is a paragraph in here that I think is just like fucking perfect for this, exactly what you described, for this bureaucracy.

The NYPD chief of transit, Michael Kemper, told the Gothamist that the negligible change in major crime rates belies that much more significant change of tone throughout the subway system. It's about correcting behavior, Kemper said. Stopping fare evaders sets the tone of law and order. A $151 million vibe shift, if you will. I fucking love that last sentence. But it didn't work. But that's the thing is it didn't work. They talk about how it's actually

with more police officers around and more police officers down in the tunnels and on the trains, crime's actually gone up. It's just such an asinine. And it's one of those things that like, there is, sometimes we'll see things and we'll think, well, here's an obvious answer, right?

This is happening in Chicago now too. When we talk about there's an obvious answer, right? This is happening in Chicago now too. When we talk about, there's an obvious answer for violent crime or non-violent crime even in Chicago, where people are like doing, they're taking over street corners. I don't know if you've seen this, but this has been posted

on a lot of different social medias where one corner will just be targeted by a group of people in cars. And then they will just sit and do donuts in the middle of the street for like 30 minutes. And like, there's a group of people in cars. And then they will just sit and do donuts in the middle of the street for like 30 minutes. And like, there's a bunch of people hanging out outside. And sometimes a person loses control of the car and hits like fucking 30 people in one of these.

I don't know if it's happened in Chicago, but I've seen those videos where like 14 people go for a ride over the hood of this thing as it's doing donuts. But really there's been police officers nearby. There was a video I saw recently where there was a police officer literally sitting right there.

It's impossible for the police officers to do something in some of these situations because what they're going to do is escalate the situation. So there's other ways to figure out ways to stop this sort of thing from happening if we don't want to have this thing happening in our cities. And sometimes it's not the obvious answer of putting a cop on every corner.

Yeah. The solution for the MTA was clearly not this. $151 million. $151 million could have done some real good in terms of like creating public trust, in terms of like feeding the homeless, in terms of like- Garbage collection. Garbage collection.

In New York, in New York, $151 million of garbage collection could have tackled three, maybe 4% of the problem. Yeah. That was six days a year. That would have been amazing.

Like we could have like fed pizza rat. Like this could have like actually done some good, you know? He's standing. They just gotta, they don't, when they go to, when they go to give him his thing, the police department shows up. They don't have a big check. They just have a

full pizza that they give to the rat. And so there's a bunch of people taking pictures of a guy handing a full pizza to the rat and the rat's like holding half of it, like waving at the crowd. $151 million could have bought a lot of airplane tickets out of New York. I'm just saying. It's a lot of opportunities to leave New York. Think how many turkey basters full of garbage.

Think how many turkey basters full of garbage juice you could have. That's my review of New York. Turkey baster full of garbage juice. That's it. Turkey baster full of garbage juice. Actually, that's also my band name for New York-centric music. All right, so see,

this story comes from NBC4.com. Inspectors shut down Columbus McDonald's temporarily after reports of crack pipe in customers' order. Jesus Christ. What would you even do? Could you imagine? You roll through.

You're like, yeah, man. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese. No pickle. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese no pickle I'll take a large fry and a root beer yeah sure I'll pull around and you reach inside for a fry and you pull out a used crack man I am addicted to the food here

how gross would that be? Where you're like, oh, great. I just touched a crack plate. And it was clearly in my fries or whatever. I would have a hard time finishing most of the fries. Do you eat another fry for the rest of your life? I would sue them for fry trauma. I would be like, I can never have another fry. I'm suing

McDonald's for, I'm going to be like that lady. I know it's different than the lady who sued him. It was actually really hot coffee. I'm just making a joke, but I'll be that lady who fucking sues him for coffee. I'll be the guy who sues him for fries because he ruined fries for me forever. Yes. Look, if I reached into my bag my my fucking fast food bag and i was somebody's fucking dirty used crack pipe in it one i am gonna have a hard time finishing those fries i will but i will have a hard time doing it two i'm gonna be mad if there's no crack left in the pipe like excuse me my happy meal wasn't so happy. Okay.

I'm going to talk to the manager. Look, I got a empty crack pipe rude and your ice cream machine is always broken. What the fuck is going on here? It says right there, free with purchase, full crack. Mine has been used.

It'd be like, if you fucking opened a bag though, and was like a used q-tip in there you're like okay what the fuck come on man have you ever got anything weird in your food like other than like i like i'm everything everybody at some point has got like a hair in their food or something but i mean like i had yeah sure i've gotten a hair in my food i don't know i've never gotten anything i i have gotten a bolt in in stuff i think a couple times oh geez there's been like a bolt in food because you know they're cooking and maybe like the spatula comes out or whatever. Like I've had that happen, I think, twice.

I had a twist tie in some hash browns once at a restaurant. Just like take a bite out of these fucking hash browns. And I'm like reaching. There's a giant like from like probably like a loaf of bread or something. And I'm like, what the fuck is giant like, like, like from like probably like a, like a loaf of bread or something. And I'm like, what the fuck is a twist tie? I'm like, goddamn hashy bees.

There's, there's a moment that goes through Tom's head where he's thinking, is somebody trying to fish for me right now? Did they, did they put, did they put on my plate like a hook? I'm shaking my head back and forth and trying to like pull away. We know he's gonna,

like they open up their tackle box and it's got like all of Tom's favorite foods, but they like immediately go for the ham rounds because they know Tom is going to dive right in. Yeah.

It's like, oh, he's fighting. He's fighting. Oh, oh, I got to pick him. Tom's favorite ice cream. Tom's favorite.

All these lures to get Tom to take a bite. You'd have a very, very full tackle. What's in your tackle? What's in Tom's tackle? Clearly those pretzels could catch you, right? You get it. Somebody put one of those in a pretzel bag, you'd be like, yeah, no, I'm going I'm going to be going home filleted.

If you put like a good buffalo wing, not these shitty ones, by the way, make a good buffalo wing, put a hook in it? I'm probably biting on it. Is there a major store that makes them or do you just have to get them at a pub and make them yourself? No, man. Like, now you just, like, it's either like a good pub or make them yourself.

I don't know of a single, like, store I can recommend for them. But, like, a good chicken wing, like, Cherry Garcia ice cream, you could tell me the hook was in there and I'd still get after it. I'd be like, man, there's a fucking hook in there. I'll eat around it. I'll eat around it. I'll use the hook was in there and i'd still get after yeah i'd be like i'll eat around it i'll use the hook to scoop the fucking ice cream out the crafty fish i'm the crafty one i'll get around it i can do this yeah most any taco like you know like i'm not i'm not actually hard to please yeah man i am not i i do not discriminate most tacos right like i am

i'm okay with it yeah if it's a taco chances are taco yeah sure i mean you got to put some fucking high test and like a big leader on that thing because i'm going in like here we go i'm like walking around with a fucking gill net like i'm over my head one day i was like i don't know i was fucking hungry i got you know i'm on a stringer hanging. There's like two or three kinds of pasta that could easily catch me. Just like, boom. Like a hundred percent.

Like I'd be like, I'd be, I'd be like, I would, I would be the guy who knows there's poison in the food, but still has the antidote next to it because he knows. Like, no, I can't let it go to waste. That's too good a plate of food.

What pastas? Definitely like a, you know, meatball, Italian sausage. Yeah. Very American type pasta. I love that. It's like my, from when I was a kid, I used to eat the shit out of that. So like, I'll make that on like weekends with mustachiole and I love that. And then, you know, there's like three or four quick pastas that I throw together that

I just absolutely love. One of them has artichokes and olives in it that I'm a huge fan of. A little bit of wine, some garlic, and it just comes together. It's really delicious. And it has a lot of Parmesan cheese to sort of hold it all together.

It's got a braised artichoke. I love that one. There's a couple others that I really, really like. And that, you know, I make, I mean, I even make like a fast ragu with Italian sausage now that takes about 30 minutes and it's so fucking good. It's like every time you eat it, you're like, no, that's a really good pasta. That's an outstanding pasta. So like a big plate of pasta will catch me. Pizzas, especially if I make them at home, like I make good pizza at home. So if I make my own pizza, yeah, I'll fucking, you catch me on

my own pizza. Yeah. I would be, I'm a fucking, like, I'm like, I'm running to the pie on the windowsill. Like I am running to the pie on the windowsill. Absolutely. Every time. Like, and they'll be like, hey, it's a trap. That's a trap. It said trap, Tom, right above it. They wrote the word traps.

There's a big X on the ground. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, nah. Like, I'm easy. I'm in this nah, nah, nah, nah. Like, I'm easy. I'm in this, I'm in the net and this is my life now. Right.

Yeah. Do I have the pecan pie or not? Like, if I have the pecan pie, I'm happy. All right, that's going to wrap it up for our funny show this week.

We are going to catch you on Monday with a brand new show. We're going to leave you for the rest of this week, like we always do, with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit.

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