Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 744: Chain Smoking Marathon, Death Benefits and Alien Angels

Episode Date: February 1, 2024

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond. This is Cognitive Distance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical. It's political. And there is no welcome mat.

Today is Thursday, February the 1st, that you're hearing this. That you're hearing this. Today, in our world, is actually Thursday, January the 25th, because we record two shows in a row. It is the same day, but for you, it's different. For you, it's different. So your ears, right now, it's February the 1st. All right, so let's start with this story, because I fucking love it. Toronto Sun, Chinese marathon runner disqualified for chain smoking through the entire race. That's great. That's great.

There's a picture of this fucking guy jogging along, puffing a fucking cig at the same time. He finishes the marathon, Cecil, in three hours and 33 minutes. That's a fucking fast time, man. That's a fucking fast time. All right, so we're going to do this real quick. You said how much? 333. So you said 333.

Let me do a little back of the envelope, actually, Apple calculations. So 333. Yeah. So that's 183 minutes, right? Yeah. Divided by 26. That's like a seven-minute mile. Homeboy's hustling.

Dude, seven-minute mile. Like, my best 5K was eight minutes. Yeah, that's hustling. And I practiced for a while. Yeah, man. This dude's just like, whatever, man. And I practiced for a while. Yeah, man. This dude's just like, whatever, man. I'm just going to pop.

While smoking. And look, so my favorite photo isn't this top one. It's the one where he's running with what looks like another dude or a trainer. And like,

lighting up. As an ex-smoker, like when there's wind, you have to hold your hand over in front of the lighter to light your cigarette. And he's got his hand up over to protect it from the wind he's creating as he's running. Yeah.

All right. You got to scroll up because my favorite line. So here's why he got disqualified, guys. And I love this more than I love almost anything. The ZMNN, I'm sorry, I mispronounced that, Marathon Committee issued a statement announcing the disqualification for violating an article in the ZMNN Marathon Rules and Regulations.

Article 2.12, which states, quote, uncivilized behavior from runners, such as open defecation, smoking, or trampling on flower beds or green spaces that affect the race and safety of other runners will result in disqualification. Cecil, taking an open air shit is in the same line of categorization as stepping on the flowers.

It feels desperate. Also, like, they had to... An open-air shit, though. Just somebody's, like, running along and it's like, I'm dropping a deuce.

That's a runner thing, though. You know that, right? I know people will shit themselves while running. They shit themselves while running because it bounces all the innards around. All the bits get bounced

and then sometimes you have to go really bad. Oh, I have a funny side. I've never run a marathon, but last summer I did a century ride. So it's a hundred mile bike ride. And it was the first one I'd done. And so like that, a similar thing can happen. Like you sit and your legs just pumping up and down and like, you're getting your blood up and it kind of just moves the bowels. And so like about 25 or so miles in, I was like, God damn it. I need to use the bathroom. Like I've got to go.

And like, there's all these other riders like everywhere. And there's what are called sag stops. So these like rest stops. The rest stops do have port-a-johns and stuff, but they're like really crowded, especially at the beginning of the ride. At the end of the ride, they're sparse. There's no one there. But at the beginning of the ride, there could be like the ride, they're sparse. There's no one there. But at the beginning of the ride,

there could be like a couple of hundred people at one of these rest stops. So like the first one I rode past, I was like, I'm not stopping at that thing. I'm just not doing it. So I'm riding and like, you know, the call of nature becomes somewhat more insistent. And I was like, all right, I got to figure something out.

And so, and over the course of a hundred miles, you're going to ride past businesses. And so I'm like, I'll just see a business or something and jump off my bike, chain it up, go in and use the restroom. But instead I'm, this is something you would never do in a million years. Why I want to tell you this story. I'm riding and I see a house under construction. Holy shit. And in front of the house for the construction workers. No, no, no. It's a port-a-john for the construction workers. It would have been so much better if you squatted over

a soil pipe, an open soil pipe in the house. I would never do that. So much better. A better story. Tom, let's do a little workshop thing here. We'll fix this. Let's workshop it right now. I see this house under construction. You're going to squat over an open soil pipe. I can see they framed it out and they've got the plumbing,

the rough plumbing in. Anyway, there's a port-a-john. I can see they framed it out and they've got the plumbing, the rough plumbing. Anyway, there's a portage on. So there's a, and I see like there's the construction workers portage on. And so I was like, well, how lucky for me, like it's not one of these sag stops with these nasty ass portage on, so you got to wait a 20 minute line for it. So I just bring my bike right up to it, chain it

up to a tree next to the thing, pop in, have a private moment, pop right out. I'm like, yes, I fucking, I feel like I fucking hacked something. Like I was like, unlocked.

I unlocked something. I just want to say though, the sound of going to the bathroom, taking a smash in a fucking port-a-john is the worst sound because it drops

for like, forever man. It feels like that fucking thing that Indy walks across where he kicks the stones down. It feels like that. thing that Indy walks across where he kicks the stones down. It feels like that. You wait.

You let go. And then you think, 1,001, 1,002, 1,003. Like, does it need a parachute? Like, what is happening? How deep can this possibly be? It takes a decade for you to hear a plop. There is also, because I've only had to take a shit in a Port-A-John a small handful of times. Thank God.

Because they're usually the worst possible spaces in the entire world, right? Like, it is way better to go off in the woods and take a private dump in the woods than to use the average Port-A-John. But there is no greater fear, it's never happened, thank God, than the fear of Port-A-John splashback. Oh, I know. My God. At that point, you just have to flay all of your skin off. Yeah, I feel like. Throw it in the garbage and hope to grow new skin. Absolutely, Todd. I would just, I'd be like, well, I'm done being alive.

I don't disagree. I feel like you need to get, you know, like what you need is like a giant cat tongue to lick your cream. Like it's got grit on it somehow. Or a power washer or maybe that silkwood shower that that lady takes where they just scrub all your skin off,

something like that. I've taken a shit in any number of Port-A-Johns because every year for many years, I would go to Penzic, which was a big medieval festival type thing out in Pennsylvania where 10,000 to 20,000 people show up and it's a huge campsite and they do have flushies, we call flushies, but they are genuinely packed until

like one in the morning. That's the only time you can get like an actual, I take a crap in a regular toilet type moment. And I would never want to wait. So I would just wait until a port-a-john. Go into a port-a-john and there's port-a-johns everywhere so you can go to the bathroom. But they're the worst to go in. But they cleaned out every day. So the difference with other-

See, now that helps. The difference with other port-a-johns is you have no idea how long that thing's been, it's been fermenting for how long. They got those little like, like brewer's things that are bubbling on the top or whatever.

So like a little brewer lock, a little flavor saver that's on top to block it all in. So you have no idea how long those things have been fermenting. Forever. When it, when it comes to these port-a-johns every single morning, there'd be a truck that goes through and then it washes them too. So they were, you know, I mean, sure they get fucking filthy by the end of the day. But they're clean adjacent at least. Right. And so there would be, and they would sometimes come around twice a day so they would come out in the morning and then maybe in the late afternoon and then in the

morning and late afternoon so there's always a truck going through that is doing the portage on work and so it wasn't ever filthy gross where you're like this is disgusting yeah right i've walked into him before i've been like no no just pass. You'd be like, I'll never go again. Like, I'm done. Everything's closed up. There's been times I'd be like, I'd rather piss on a cop. Yeah. You know, I'll just get arrested.

It's fine. I don't care at all. At least there. Right. And if I'm pissing in front of other people, I can flush out. This is the most Gen X story I've ever heard in my entire life. This story comes from The Guardian. Madonna sued over late concert start by fans who had to get up early the next morning.

You know what, though? Oh, I'll tell you what, though. She was two hours late. You know, this is one of those stories that you read the headline and you're like, come on, man. You know, like you're out. But it's a weeknight and she was two hours late. And the other thing that happened in this story that isn't as funny as the headline

is that basically all public services in downtown areas start to shut down midweek at around midnight. They quit running. So it was always really hard to get. I remember when I would go out, if I would go out in the city, I would have to Uber home at a certain point because you didn't take the L

because the L would make you wait for, you know, just an obscene long time to wait for a train. Right. You could already be home, you know, just spend a little extra money on an Uber and it's not bad because it's late at night and there's not any traffic anyway. So you just spend that money.

But man, in the middle of the night, nothing's running. And these people were at a concert and they're like, well, now I'm fucked. I'm stuck in downtown, public transportation stopped. They basically ruined her because she came on two hours late. Two hours. The show is supposed to start. I actually feel for this like i do too i i have tickets we're going to see uh billy joel and stevie nicks at the soldier field and like they're supposed to start at seven they don't start by 9 9 30 i will be beside myself but because like show up what do you have left to do what else did you have to do today, Madonna? Did you have other plans other than your concert? Yeah, what are you doing today?

What are you doing during the day? I mean, this is your job. But I guess this is like a thing for her. It says in the article, this isn't the first time she's been sued for being multiple hours late for her own show. I would be, I'm an old man. Like, I'd be like,

I don't want to get home at two in the morning. I know, Tom. No, no. There is a young me that would be like,'m an old man. Like, I'd be like, I don't want to get home at two in the morning. I know, Tom. No. No. There is a young me that would be like, ah, come on. And then there's the me now that's like, fuck your face. Yeah, I know. Well, I was laughing too because I was reading this story next to Haley.

I was like, well, like, plus I get to the concert early because I don't want to be late. And she's looking at me like, we're never getting anywhere early. And I'm like, but I would, if it was like, if it was just up to me, I'd be there early. If it's a 7 o'clock, if it's an 8 o'clock start, I'm like, well, all right, well, traffic and parking and, you know, I want to find my seat ahead of time. So, like, if she starts at 10.30, my old man ass

treats this as like TSA. I'm probably there at 7.30. I'd have been there a half an hour before the concert starts. Yeah, every time. Yeah, sure. So, like, what are you doing for three hours? What are you doing for three hours? What are you doing? I would be beside myself if I was waiting that long. I'd be so bored.

I'd be so fucking mad. And you know that our opening act didn't take that long to... No, and I'd be bored. So the whole time I'd just be eating more and more shitty stadium nachos. I'd be so full of stadium nachos. They don't serve stadium nachos

at a Madonna concert. You can eat the shirt or whatever they're going to sell you. This story comes from Futurism. After classified briefing, Congressman says UFOs may be extra-dimensional angels.

I will say this. Of all the things in the Bible as their literal description, there's nothing more Lovecraftian and extra dimensional than the description of the angels. Angels are fucking crazy. Angels are terrifying.

If you like, people have drawn with angels that, that are described in the, and they look scary as shit, dude. That's why the first thing angels always say in the Bible is like, do not fear. Cause like,

people are like, I would never they never like put their hands over their head and run back and forth as fast as they can we always depict them as like attractive people with like ripped abs and wings like pegasus wings you know like i am the angel gabriel and like you you're like, Ooh, Gabriel. Hello. Hello. Instead, it's like your little Bible's like, I've got just eyes on top of my eyes and I'm a full of flaming swords too.

And then it's like one horn. It's like a crown that's spinning constantly. And I, one of those ornithopter things that makes me fly from Da Vinci code or whatever. It's like one little devil pumping the fucking, pumping the shit out of those pedals so it could just jump half an inch off the ground.

The other thing that's so disheartening about this is the word congressman. I know. He's a what now? He's a what now? It's not like just some rando. No, he's a what now he's a what now it's not like just some rando no he's a congressman hi i i'm one of the 400 most important people in america also uh when it comes to whether or not the ufos are angels i actually like to think of them as extra dimensional angels the sound you

should make that sound every time you hear congressman, UFO, and angels in the same sentence. There should just be a sound of you slapping your own head. There should be a sound of him being fired out of a cannon. It's so disheartening, though. And the other thing is it's not unique. And I also

want to point out, too, a belief in God isn't any less than this. This is the same thing. I know we're making fun of this,, a belief in God isn't any less than this. This is the same thing. I know we're making fun of this, but a belief in God is this, it's first off, it is a belief in God. Cause this is a, but just a belief in a sort of traditional Christianity isn't any less crazy. No, it's not. And that's why this isn't a scandal, right? Like you can say whatever insane, crazy batshit bullshit you want to say. And as long as it's like religious in nature, it's not a scandal.

No matter how crazy it is. You can be like one of the world's most powerful people and say literally insane person shit. And everyone's like, yeah, but it had a tinge of religiosity. So it's not even in the real news. It's like on futurism.com. It's on some random thing. Yeah. If the person was talking about the Oreo cookie monster is going to fight the Keebler elves, everybody would be like, what the fuck is happening with this guy?

He's lost his shit. Yeah. But instead he uses terms that everybody presumes are true, even though there's no proof. And then everybody just says, oh yeah, of course. Oh yeah. Sure. Yeah. No, it's the angels?

A lot of people believe in interdimensional extraterrestrials. Yeah, sure. Go on with your bad self. Yeah. All right, Tom, I include a lot of stories that scare you. So once in a while, I include a story that I don't like either.

This is from The Guardian, my friend. What is happening with the airplanes, Cecil? Yeah, Tom. I don't know, buddy. Nosewheel falls off Boeing 757 passenger jet awaiting takeoff at Delta Airlines jet due to depart from Atlanta airport. Nobody was injured, but one of the two nosewheels just rolled off of the fucking airplane. And then continued going.

Like from what they said is it rolled off and then just kept going off the runway. Have you ever seen video of runaway wheels on highways? Those are insane. Fuck shit up, man. Those are insane. Especially those big truck ones. Dude, they will like, they'll like ruin a car, ruin a car, ruin a car, jump over a house, go through a drive-thru, order a shake, ruin a car.

They'll like, they go, they don't stop ever. Yeah, man. They have't stop ever. They have infinite energy. They just keep going. They stop. Somebody gives them a quick shoe shine, and they keep going. It's insanity. They'll hit a car, and the car will just implode. It disintegrates. It just disintegrates

from one of these big cars. It is so scary. There's so much kinetic force or whatever, energy in that, that as soon as something hits it, it just fucking blows up. Crazy. It's insane. Can you imagine a fucking,

how big is a tire on a goddamn 757? And then we were talking about that other story where the door, it was, somebody sent us a message and said it wasn't actually a door, that that was part of the wall. Yeah, door plug.

That's a door plug. And the people there wouldn't have known that there's a door there. That's even scarier plug. That's a door plug. And the people there wouldn't have known there's a door there. That's even scarier somehow. That is way scarier. Why is the airplane made of like blow-off parts? Way fucking scarier

to just be like, oh, there was a secret door there. There's a secret scary door that you could just fly out of? Hard pass. Well, and they did say, although not all the details are out, but I guess I was listening to a story this morning that a whistleblower

for Boeing reported that, and they had documentation, that basically there's four bolts that are supposed to be on there, and they just didn't put the bolts on. Okay. So what they're going to do is Boeing's going to be like, well, we'll double check that all the bolts are on all the other planes, then

we'll get cleared to fly all these planes. And I'm just like, you guys can't keep the wheels on. Like, you can't keep the wheels on your airplane, man. And I'm getting every step. I'm getting closer to boating. For fuck's sake. There's a funny skit from Australia where a guy talks about, because there was an oil tanker crash or whatever, and they're going back and forth.

And the one guy keeps saying, well, the front just fell off. And they do this bit where they go back and forth. And the guy says, well, is the front supposed to fall off? He's like, no, but the front fell off. And so like, it's a big, it's a big, and that's what reminded me when I saw this, I was like, nose wheel falls off. I'm like, okay, what are we doing here?

Did the front fall off of your airplane or no? Can you, and they also said that they put the other passengers on a different flight. No, no, I don't care where I'm going. And that includes home. I'm terrified. I don't go home anymore. And I know I shouldn't be because like statistically, statistically you're, you, you, so many people fly, but it's just one of those things that you're like, yeah, I could get into a car accident way easier. But getting into a car accident, I know that at least the accident part's the dangerous part. But then I'm still like here, like on the ground part. The accident happens up here. I'm up here.

And that's not a good place to be. That's why I think it's insane that we're having conversations about building flying cars. I know. I think that's the craziest conversation. Go lay down. No, I'm not allowed to do that. I don't care what they thought of in 1929. There's people filing patents

and building prototypes and getting them cleared by the FAA right now. And I'm just like, have you seen people drive on roads? There's only one fucking axis. You're just driving on the fucking X axis. Whatever you do, don't go into Chicago with one of those things. Jesus Christ.

Chicago is like the most dangerous place I've ever driven. And I've driven in probably 30 states. Yeah. I've probably driven in about 30 states in our country. Maybe not that many. Maybe it's, let's say, 25. And I have never once felt as in danger as I do on our expressways.

Never once, never once. And I've been all over this country in very busy traffic and never once. No, Haley routinely drove from Poughkeepsie into Manhattan and home. She'd go clubbing. She would go to work. She would do it.

She'd drive into Manhattan, no problem at all. Yeah, it's easy. She will not drive into Chicago. I drive to, yeah, I drive. We have to go clubbing. She would go to work. She would do it. She'd drive into Manhattan, no problem at all. Yeah, it's easy. She will not drive into Chicago. I drive to, yeah, I drive. When we have to go into Chicago, I drive every time. Like, it's crazy. People out here cannot, they're so aggressive. Can you imagine aggressive drivers?

A fender bender on the X-axis only is a non-issue. A fender bender 100 feet in the air. The X-axis added. a non-issue. A fender bender 100 feet in the air is a falling problem. I don't have to fall. It's like, oh yeah, I bumped into something. What happened? Well, my mirror got clipped.

How many people are going to cut you off in the air in Chicago? Yeah. They'll just pull in front of you because they can't and they'll be mad at you. Don't send me your email

about how your city's worse or don't send me your email. It's not. It's not worse. I'm telling you. It can't be and they'll be mad at you. Yeah. Don't send me your email about how your city's worse or don't send me your email. It's not. It's not worse. I'm telling you. It can't be. It's physically impossible. I will Mad Max drive

with you anywhere and I guarantee you will be terrified more in Chicago. Even without Eli behind the wheel. The thing is like, like my wife,

my wife doesn't drive, right? She doesn't like to drive. She never liked to drive the entire time we've been together. She does, but she doesn't like to. Right.

And so every time we're in the car together, I'm the driver. It's just a thing like if one of us chooses to do the chore, I just choose to do that chore all the time.

It's not a patriarchy thing or any, I'm not going to let this woman drive or whatever. It's just, she's not like not allowed to drive. She just doesn't like doing it. She doesn't like it.

So she doesn't do it. So I'm always, and there are so many times she grabs, and it's not because of me. Tommy driven in the car with me. I'm a pretty safe driver. You're a very, very good driver. She grabs that fucking thing

because all she has to do is look in one of the mirrors and there is somebody with any five minute interval on the expressways. For real, I know it. Driving 150 miles an hour. Weaving in and out of traffic. Weaving in and out of traffic. Weaving in and out of traffic. And I've seen these people bite it before.

Like I've seen these people catch somebody and bite it because they're driving so poorly. I've seen it happen, you know, four or five times in my life. Yeah, there is more random aggressive driving in the Chicago area that I've seen anywhere else. Tailgating is so bad. Oh my God. It's so bad.

I mean, you can't drive a moderate speed. Like let's say I'm going well over the speed limit, like the rest of the group is. I'm driving with the group. We're all well over the speed limit at say, let's say the road is a 70 road. We're all going 85, let's say, right? We're all going 85 miles an hour, which is a pretty, it's close.

It's a good clip and it's starting to get a lot of safe, right? 85 miles an hour, that's a little unsafe. But, you know, if you're in the left lane and you're passing a bunch of people, that might be a speed that you're going. And if you leave the tiniest amount of room in between you and the car in front of you, someone will cut you off. A hundred percent. And if they want to go faster than you, they will slam

on their brakes in front of you because you were slowing them down. Even though you're going just as fast in the car in front of you, it's not like you can go any faster. If you are pacing the car with too many car lengths in the Chicago area, if you are pacing the car in front of you

at 85-90 miles an hour with too many car lengths in front of you, you've created a hazardous driving condition for yourself. Because like you said, somebody will scoot in and they'll brake check you at 85 miles an hour. Without a thought. It's insane. Without a thought. It is like, and here's how you know how bad it is. There's no reason in Chicago to ever get in an accident. We have no hills. Yeah. There's no blind corners. There's no mountains. It's all straights. It's the fucking plains. Yeah. There's no blind corners. There's no mountains. It's all straights.

It's the fucking plains. Yeah. As far as the eye can see, it's all straights. A glacier 10,000 years ago ripped everything down to grade. It's all just flat. Like for real, all of the accidents

are human error. All of them. Like maybe I'll give you three accidents a year from icy roads. I'm being an asshole. But like, it's not a lot is my point. It's not like other parts of the country where I've driven and it's windy as fuck.

Sure, there's some sort of road. Right. There's nothing out here, man. There's not a hill, a blind curve. There's nothing. You can see for 20 miles in every direction on a good day with visibility easily. miles in every direction on a good day with visibility easily story comes in the ap kansas couple charges collecting man's retirement while keeping his body in their home for six years okay and then the other story is here this goes perfectly well with it tom this one's from the

guardian retired teacher's pension stopped as provider refuses to believe she's not dead. I feel like this is like one of those missed connections in the newspaper where somebody's got you on the train with your hair down, alive. Me, dead. In bed, mummified. Me, super dead for six years. I'm drier than fucking mom's turkey. They seriously kept this dude.

So the one story, they kept this dude in a fucking they just, he died and then they were living in the house and they're just like, yeah, no, he's just, he's busy doing stuff and they had access to the account. $200,000 came in. And then in the UK, this lady, someone with a similar name ties, and they're like,

they sent her a text, like you up out of the ground. I mean, I mean like not up, but like still up. She's like, yeah, I'm alive. She called him and said, yeah, I'm alive. And they're like, nah. And they caught her benefits. They caught her benefits. And they've got a crazy system where the computer system automatically looks for dead people with the same name. Then sends a message out to all the living people and says, hey, prove you're alive. And if you can't prove you're alive fast enough, they cut all the people off with that dead name. They're just like, all right, bad news for all the people off with that dead name. They're just like, alright,

bad news for all the John Smiths. Hundreds of John Smiths have to run and I'm alive! I'm alive! I promise I'm alive! It's like a new version of the running man. It's crazy. Why wouldn't you build a system

where you find out which guy it is and cancel their benefits instead of just being like cancel everyone with their name well we could do some cross check fuck cross checking Steve fuck it I know that it's the fucking age of the internet it's the easiest possible thing to do

fuck it in fact Steve you're fired we're cutting off your pension this poor lady's like no I'm really alive they're like yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Dead person. Hang up the phone. That's exactly what a corpse would say. The other guy is the worst too because we just don't give a fuck. Our social security is like,

yeah, that's cool. Whatever, man. We'll just keep sending the money. And these people, people were asking, why isn't Joe coming to barbecues anymore? He's busy. He's got stuff to do.

And he literally died and they kept it. There's got to be sort of a thing that goes off in your head after you take the first amount of money and say, how long am I going to run this? Because there seems to be maybe a moment that you could feasibly get away. But the moment there's so little fluid in his body that we are calling him a mummy,

I don't know that that is the moment that you think you could still get away with it. I have similar questions, man. Like, I think once you start stealing money, you're like, oh, I really backed myself into a corner on this one. Because, like, you can't now report him dead. Yeah.

Because time has gone by and you didn't report him dead dead. Yeah. Because time has gone by and you didn't report him dead before. So now you just have this body and you've stolen money from the body. So you're sort of like, I don't know, man, in for a penny, in for a corpse. But like, at least for me,

I don't know, man, like I wouldn't do this, but I would dispose of the corpse. I would not do what they did, which is just leave it in the bed where he died. That's all they did. See, I would continue do what they did, which is just leave it in the bed where he died. That's all they did. See, I would continue on with the con and just do like a weekend at Bernie Styles.

Just have him cocked up. At a certain point, his arm comes off or whatever because he's so brittle and dry. But you just play it as long as you can. Just go down a toboggan sled or whatever. Wouldn't you feel like on Halloween, you had to put him out just the same? Yeah. You have to put him on the porch. I feel like on Halloween, you had to put him out just to see? Yeah.

You have to put him on the porch. I feel like, yeah, you got to put him on the chair. Like, I wonder if anyone's going to notice. I may go to jail if they do, but this is fucking funny. Every year. Every year, Jim comes out.

I don't see him all year, but every year he gets out. I see him on Halloween. He loves Halloween. He loves Halloween. Never used to. NPR, I just learned about the Stanley Cup thing like this week.

So this is women arrested for allegedly stealing $2,500 worth of Stanley Cups. And I have to admit that when I saw this, like the headline going on, I kept thinking it was the trophy in hockey. I was like, that's the Stanley Cup. I don't know what we're talking about. Everybody's, these Stanley Cups are so hot right now. These are a huge deal.

And I'm like, there's only one. How do you steal it? They give it to the team that won the best of seven, and they keep it all year, and then they fuck a model on it or something, and then they send it back. I don't know. And then I saw this, and I was like, oh,

they're like adult sippy cups. They are adult. Like this is like the new Yeti. Yeah. Like it's just an insulated double wall insulated cup that everyone's freaking out about these Stanley cups for, I don't know, reasons. Admittedly, I have, okay, so I'm drinking out of one now. It's a Columbia one. I fucking love these things and I drink water out of them all the time.

Like I have four or five of them around the house and like seven of them on my bedside table. I have them all over the place because I drink water out of them constantly. It keeps the water cold. It comes out of my tap cold and it stays cold for hours because of it. And I love them.

And I can see it. The one thing I don't like about these is they're all straws. And I hate straws. I don't like, dude. Yes, thank you. I hate straws. Right here, buddy.

I cannot fucking stand straws. I am the outlier in my house. Everybody loves- Straws aren't for me, man. Man, I can't. I don't know. I just don't like- I also would be-

There's enough of a germaphobe thing in me to be like no reusable straws. I don't drink straws from straws anyway, but like a, the concept of a, the concept of a reusable straw that you have in this, especially for things like water

where you just let it sit out for a long time. Like I know I leave these out like for a day or so and I'll drink water afterwards or separate, but like I close it up. Right. It's got a little thing on the top and I spin the little thing. If you're listening, you can't see it, but I have a little Columbia bottle with a little top that turns. And then I just set it like that. And it sits with a straw. There's like constantly like a hole in it. So I'm lazy.

So I'll have one that's half full and it'll be sitting on my desk and I'll pick it up and I'll drink out of it. But if I had one of those, I'd be like, Oh, spider web, spider web. I got a spider web again. I fucking drank another spider web. Now I got to eat a fly or whatever. I got to do the whole thing. I got to swallow a cat or whatever the next thing is. I don't know what it's a whole process I have to do now. Stupid. I don't swallow a cat or whatever the next thing is. I don't know what, it's a whole process I have to do now. Stupid. I don't like, I'm not a straw person. I don't like straws either.

I have, I'm doing a thing now where I'm doing like a tooth whitening thing. Oh, okay. When you do tooth whitening, just like the strips at home or whatever, but like when you do tooth whitening, you can't, and if you drink coffee, you're supposed to drink your coffee through a straw so it doesn't hit the front of your teeth, you know, because like your teeth are more like porous during the front of your teeth. You know, because like your teeth are more like porous during the tooth whitening process.

Oh, I see. So you could actually like make them worse. I hate it so much that I'm like, maybe I just won't whiten my teeth. Like I hate using a straw

that much in the morning. I'm like, oh God, this is not how people drink. Yeah. It's how little kids drink. I can't. Oh, I couldn't do that.

Well, I drink hot coffee every morning anyway. Oh, I drink cold. So I wouldn't be able to do that. Yeah, it would how little kids drink. I can't. I couldn't do that. Well, I drink hot coffee every morning anyway. Oh, I drink cold. So I wouldn't be able to do that. Yeah, that would work. Oh, God. Hot.

What? Hot for astrology. What? That's warm. Brutal. What? That's warm. Brutal.

Can you be like, ah! Fucking sizzling my tonsils. And especially these Stanley Cup ones. I also want to point out, too, this story. She steals $2,500

worth of these cups. Right. And it turns out it was only 65 things. They're about 40 bucks a piece. Yeah. That's expensive. They're expensive. And the resale market for them is through the roof.

They're selling for hundreds on eBay. I bought, I spent like $45 on a full liter and a half Yeti one. Yeah. And I was like, that's expensive. That is expensive. Wow. I thought, wow, that's an expense. And this is for a way smaller one.

Yeah. And it's more expensive. And like I said, like these things are going so fast that like she's buying them to resell them. She stole them. She stole them. She's stealing them to resell them because they resell for way more. You can get these $40 cups that's a resale price.

A couple hundred dollars. No shit, man. Yeah, they're a whole phenomenon. I was listening to one of the news or business podcasts I listen to about the Stanley Cup phenomenon. It's just like this weird viral phenomenon where people want them. Stores get

stocked. They're sold out in minutes. Fights break out like they're cabbage patch dolls. Weird. It's insane. It's just a cup. It's a cup, man. I don't get it. We've had insulated double wall cups now for fucking ever. Many years. Many years with straws. Fucking ever. Yeah. And this is such a random thing. It's just a cup. That's it. There's nothing special about it. There's really not. There's nothing special about it. It's just a double wall insulated cup. They've been around forever.

There's nothing new. There's nothing like scarce. There's got to be somebody with one that's like paint coming off. Like, I'm the OG Stanley. Right, yeah, probably. This one comes from NPR. Pierce Brosnan faces charges after allegedly walking in Yellowstone's thermal areas. You can't do that.

That's a good way to boil to death. I'll tell you what, man. This guy wants to bond his legs together. Seriously, though, man. How scary is that shit? I've seen people like, I've seen people put their hand, like they've touched it,

and they scream and jump back. Those things can be 150 or higher. Yeah. And when you, like they have fucking horrifying visuals there. You go to any of these fart springs, right? Because you've been there. I've been to,

it's funny because I've been to the biggest, I think three of the biggest ones in the world, not by choice, just happened to be there. Right. Iceland, New Zealand, and Yellowstone.

I've been to the three biggest ones in the world. Three of the, I know there's a couple more. Three of the biggest hot fart springs? But three of the biggest fart springs in the world I've been to. And each time you go, no matter where you're at,

at least in, I don't remember seeing much in Iceland because Iceland was pretty free. Like, you know, they just kind of had stuff walled off where, you know at, at least in, I don't remember seeing much in Iceland because Iceland was pretty free. Like, you know, they just kind of had stuff walled off where, you know, don't be stupid, but if you're stupid, whatever.

Yeah, right. But in Yellowstone, very specifically, I remember seeing posters, not posters, but like the carved wood things that they show. And they'll be like,

it'll be like a plexiglass Lexan thing. And there'll be like a carved wood holder. And there'll be some sort of elaborate list of why it's here, what's going on. And then they show the horrifying thing that happens if you fall into it. And they're just like, it's like a person that's like half a skeleton because they just like fucking sous vide their body off. All your skin boils off. They just fucking boiled their body off.

And it's a horror. It's a genuine horror. Don't fuck around like that. Unless he's trying to just off himself or something. I can't imagine why you would do this. Like Yellowstone, I've seen so many people get crazy. It's insane out there. They're like, oh, I'm going to cuddle a bison.

I'm going to snuggle a bear. I'm going to take a swim in a boiling fart spring of sulfuric bubble water. And you're just like, why are you alive? How did you get to adulthood? What has happened? Who has protected you? Some people should have been put outside at birth and just left for the fucking wolves. You know what I mean?

Like if you can't go to a place like Yellowstone and be like well this is a really wild place i should probably just follow what the signs say maybe they were and that's why they're so wild they're feral raised by bison they're like that fucking shaman like the january yeah exactly they paint their face they ride in and yeah seriously though like like amount of, it's like fucking spring break down there. Like it's crazy the amount of people who are just like, whatever, take my selfie with this fucking buffalo. And you're like, what are you doing, man? And every time one of these people gets fucking lifted in the air,

like a fucking space program. They just get fucking tossed. And then, and inevitably, they flip six times and one of their shoes comes off. Every time. Every time one of their shoes comes off.

The story is also from Futurism. Amazon is selling products with AI-generated names like, I cannot fulfill this request that goes against OpenAI use policy. This is the world now, buddy. I'll tell you what one of these is called. I'm sorry. I cannot fulfill this

request. It goes against OpenAI use policy. My purpose is to provide helpful and respectful information to users. Brown. That's the color. It is, by the way, out of stock. That's a real strange shade of brown. That's all I'm saying.

Like, I love this because like these companies are just like, I don't know, have AI, name it. Have AI, name it. Have AI, just fill out the forms on Amazon. We're just moving on. Like they just, and nobody checks them. It feels like somebody wrote a script, right? What somebody did was they wrote some sort of script so they could just submit a bunch of these products and they take the description.

So they'll take the description, it copies it in there and it asks what AI would call it. And then it doesn't check to see if it's an actual thing. Right. It just takes it and pastes it in the field and then it moves on to the next one because these people probably have 50 products

or a hundred products or a thousand products that they need to name and nobody wants to sit there. They don't want to pay somebody to do that. They're just like, ask AI to do it. And something recently happened where someone had broken one of the car companies and I don't remember which one it was. It was like Chevy or something like that.

It was using AI chatbots and someone had like made it say some crazy shit, like you could have a free chef here or whatever, because you can just get it to say crazy shit if you know what's behind it. And I mean, you know, companies have been using AI sort of chatbots, what we would, we wouldn't call it AI, but they were using, they've been using chatbots as a way to filter your comment, to get you to the right page or to get you to the right, it's really just sort of an elaborate search engine in the chats that they would use.

But now that AI is there, they're starting to use it more as a way to, you know, this open AI stuff. And we use AI, but it's really not, it's not like a thing that thinks. It's still the same. It's just, it's the same thing that we've been using. It's just more complex. That's all. And

this is like a chatbot and people are using it now because it's like free labor. And we are seeing some jobs starting to go away because AI is easier to use. And evidently, typing in the name of the thing that you sell

into Amazon is among those lost jobs. That's one of the lost jobs. Because you can now buy a garden hose called, I apologize, but I cannot complete this task. It requires using trademark brand names, which goes against OpenAI use policy. Is there anything else that I can assist you with? 10 millimeters. I love that so much. Oh, it's so good. I was just searching for one of those. So I'd say I'm glad they were able to find one. All right, that's going to wrap it up for this week. Funny show.

We'll be back on Monday with another show. But we're going to leave you like we always do with Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue it's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue hypno babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment Leo Pisces cancer

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