Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 75: Kill the Gays Bill

Episode Date: November 24, 2012

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Want to stream Cognitive Dissonance to your Android or iPhone? Buy the app! Go to DissonancePod.com and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page. Each purchase helps support the show. Hi, y'all. Hillbilly God here. I've been tagged in a lot of Facebook posts over the last month when people all around America talked about what they were thankful for. And I've been asked recently, God, what have you been thankful for? Well, I had planned on

answering this on Thanksgiving, but I was so busy blessing the food of everyone well off enough to have food that on Thanksgiving Day, I was just so plum tuckered out, I wasn't available for Black Friday. Of course, I wasn't available for Black Friday. Of course, I really haven't been available to the blacks throughout history, so why start now? Anywho, I thought I'd let all my fans know what I was thankful for. First, I'm thankful for the inclusiveness of the Christian faith. We're happy to take anyone who wants to worship me. We'll take thieves and con artists and child

pornographers and pedophiles. Everyone deserves a second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chance. We'll take everyone except for the gays. They're kind of icky. Speaking of gays, I'm thankful for homosexuals for existing. You give me a reason to blow off a little steam. Every time you organize, I have an opportunity to do something awful to the earth. I love it when I get to create a hurricane, an earthquake, a tsunami, tornado, brush fire, drought, meteor shower, global warming, blizzard, rain of frogs, plague of locusts, volcano, avalanche, you get the idea. I'm thankful for my book, which has been a bestseller for a couple thousand years, and it's still on the charts despite all the advances in science, morality, and society in general. I can't wait until me, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost go on

that reunion book tour. The Barnes and Noble in Shreveport, Alabama is going to have a line around the block when we do a book signing. I'm thankful for all the Americans who look to me on Thanksgiving. Well, not all the Americans, certainly not the poor, or the minorities, or the women.

But you get the point. And finally, I'm thankful for me. I'm really amazing, aren't I? Well, I hope you enjoyed your weekend of turkey and consumerism. Be sure to tune in next time when I talk about my favorite type of gun rack. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. This is Cognitive Dissonance.

Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political. And there is no welcome mat. This is episode 75. This is three quarters of the way to the century mark. Man. That's kind of unbelievable. We're chewing it up. We are absolutely chewing it up because it is Thanksgiving.

Right. We are recording this fucking thing on thanksgiving day now for those non-american listeners uh first of all i'm sorry you don't have thanksgiving because it is a glutton's holiday it totally absolutely it's that time of year where we fondly remember the starving pilgrims and the kind indians who we later slaughtered that helped us survive. And we pay homage to that by eating so much starchy food that it is everything you can do not to just fall immediately into food coma after dinner.

Well, it's late enough where I already did that. And now I'm up. And now I'm going to be up for hours afterwards. where I already did that. And now I'm up. And now I'm going to be up for hours afterwards. I am. If I sound a little logy, that is because I've packed the musket.

I actually had to have a specially made esophagus rod that I crammed down there to pack more food. Right, right. You're like a goose getting fed for foie gras. They just fucking jam it in there. My liver is going to taste delicious. I want to say really quickly before we get started, Tom, I am thankful. You know, there's a lot of people who do these thankful, we're thankful for this, we're thankful for that. I want to say right now, and I think I speak for you, Tom, when I say I am thankful that someone sent a $2,000 donation to Apocalypse Without Borders last week. Yeah, that was – I was blown away by that.

We really need to address that. That was so incredibly generous to move that through our show, to make that donation to Doctors Without Borders. That's sure to do some good. Yeah, absolutely. I mean that is really like going to affect – Somebody's going to get a help from that. Yeah. That's incredible. I get, Tom, when I, we donate to several different charities, Sarah and I, and one of them is,

one of them is the Chicago Food Depository. And they send us something every year that says on Thanksgiving, you can feed certain amount of people. And one of them, I want to say was like $100. And they're like, you can feed like 75 people on $100. Something crazy like that. It was an amount that I was just like, how do you buy a turkey for $1.75 a person? Like there's no way you can do that.

No, but really they were saying you can feed an immense amount of people with just – I mean – And that's a tiny, a paltry sum compared to two grand. Right. And you're not buying food in Chicago. You're buying food in other countries. You're buying aid in other countries. Can you imagine how far your dollar goes and how much help you can send with $2,000? It's fucking unbelievable.

Yeah, it was an incredibly generous donation. It's fucking unbelievable. Yeah, it was an incredibly generous donation. And the check that we're going to write to Doctors Without Borders is going to be a substantial check because of the generosity of our listeners. Absolutely. So I am very deeply thankful for that and for everybody that's donated so far. Yeah, every $5 bill that has come in, people have donated as little as five, and that is seriously, we're making a big deal out of a couple people, because seriously, there's somebody who donated $2,000 and somebody donated $1,000. You're looking at two donors that covered half of this entire drive. Those people

obviously deserve some kudos, but every single person who has sent as little as $5 to us, person who has sent as little as $5 to us, that's, I think, the smallest donation we've gotten. That helps. Every tiny bit helps. And you're all part of the same audience, but certain people have more means than others. And you give according to your means. So if it's $5, we are absolutely thankful for that too. Lord, we just ask to be covered with the blood of Jesus. Open hearts, Lord. Open hearts. So Cecil, the first story, speaking of going overseas, oh no. Oh no. This story comes from the Friendly Atheist blog. Uganda passes kill the gays bill. Oh no. The highly religious, highly Christian country has been trying to get this bill passed for some time. I know we even covered this a few years back, I recall.

Yeah. And finally it has passed. convicted of what they call aggravated homosexuality, which is homosexual acts committed by parents, authority figures, pedophiles, HIV positive people. And here's a repeat offenders. So if you get caught being gay more than once, you could face the death penalty. This is death for homosexuality is what they're offering here in Uganda. How do you get caught more than once, Tom? Because the penalty for just regular, not aggravated homosexuality is life imprisonment. So what, they catch you do it in the prison?

Is that because that's the only place I would imagine that you'd be able to do it since the rest of your life is spent in prison. Yeah, there's no slap on the wrist, right? It's like, oh, man, you know, I was kind of drunk and had to get, oh, life imprisonment. Like, wait, what? What the fuck? Life imprisonment? And you're going to stack your prisons

with gay people. It's going to be a veritable bacchanalia there. It's going to be like veritable bacchanalia there. It's the gayest prison ever. They're going to have a party. That's for sure. I want to say though too, it's not even for a crime.

No. That's the thing is like we could talk all day about if somebody murdered somebody, what's the crime for that? And we can weigh our justice system against theirs. What if somebody stole? What if somebody raped? What if somebody kidnapped somebody else? We can weigh our justice system against theirs. It's not a fucking crime. This is the ultimate victimless crime, right?

Right. I mean, yes, it's a crime in the sense that you've made it illegal. So certainly it violates a civil law. But it does nobody any harm harm nobody is harmed by this the the uh speaker of the ugandan i don't know house or whatever their i don't know what their system is there um but they described the bill's passing as a christmas gift for the uganda people. What kind of fucking awful Santa is this woman? It's Satan Claus. What the fuck?

Like, oh, man, I can't wait to open my Christmas present from the Ugandan government. What is it? What is it? Oh, look, it's the death penalty for people who didn't hurt anyone. Wait, that's an awful present. It's really, it's not a great present. Although Santa hasn't, he strikes out when he's over there. A couple years ago, he got all those people in Rwanda machetes.

And that didn't turn out well either. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't – what's happening here? I have a couple things to say about this. One of them, it says – and this is directly from the Friendly Atheist blog here. I'm reading directly from it. Several European countries threatened to reduce the aid to the country if the bill was passed. And I thought to myself, by reduce, you mean end all aid, right?

Yeah. That's what you mean. One would hope so. I mean, I can't imagine to be like, okay, well, we're going to hold back one bag of wheat or whatever, you know? Like, what does reduce mean? I'm kind of curious what that means. What does it really mean?

And the other, the last thing I want to say about it is, is that this is what happens when you demonize a portion of your populace. that are the crazy sort of Christian that blames the gays for everything over here, goes over there to preach and to help bring people to their ministry, right? This is a fertile ground for religious folk in our country to run over there and talk to them and convince them and convert them and get huge fucking stadiums full of people to worship with you. And there's a bunch of videos and things on this. But when they talk about it over here, we talk about it all the time, or at least some of the really religious people over here talk about it, how they blame the gays for any kind of misfortune that happens to us.

And when you think about it, our gross misfortune product is much less than their gross misfortune that happens to us. And when you think about it, our gross misfortune product is much less than their gross misfortune product. So they're blaming every little thing on them. And they're also spreading lies about AIDS and about, you know, the immorality of the homosexual population. And so they're spreading mistruths about the homosexuals to the populace. So they think, well, not only is it against God's law, but it's also against – it's also hurting our society in real ways even though those ways aren't proven or even remotely true. But they – that they get this information from people and then they use it to a lot of people's detriment. I think you can sit the responsibility for this right squarely in the laps of the Western missionaries who for years have treated Africa like a tug of war between faiths.

Yes. They export all of this superstitious mumbo-jumbo. And what they do is they say, well, you guys have a different superstition. You need to use my superstition. And with that comes this mistrust, like you mentioned, and hatred for the homosexual population. And part of me can't help but see this and say, this is what you want in America. say, this is what you want in America. Like, you're able to go to Uganda and you're able to have it your way over there in a way that you can't over here because the checks and balance system is much more firmly established

here in the States and in many Western and First World countries. But when you export your religious nonsense and this superstitious ideas to the underdeveloped country, underdeveloped parts of the world, I should say. I'm sorry. You're able to sort of engage in this kind of spiritual nation building. And not only is it unbelievably imperialistic and presumptuous and just wrong, but it's going to get people killed. Like there's going to be people will die because of this. Lives will end. Yes. There will be less people. And you know for a certain fact that these are the same people who are pro-life, pro-life, pro-life, and yet they push their faith on these folks in Uganda who are going to turn around, make homosexuality illegal, and now people's lives are going to be forfeit for this.

It's electric! This story is from Alternet.org. So weird. Christian teacher burned crosses on the student's arms and pushed creationism. Now claims his free speech was violated. How is burning kids free speech? I mean, for fuck's sake. Like, I take a pretty liberal eye toward what is speech and what's not speech but really i mean you're in a public school and you're gonna burn cross do you have any idea the fury which you would unleash if my kid came home from school

with a fucking cross burned into his flesh you'd be be shocked. I mean, that's an electricity joke, Tom. Shocked. Ayo. I mean, it could be a soccer ball burning into his flesh, and I'd be like, what the fuck is happening here? It doesn't matter what. It is a fucking duck. I'm mad as hell.

I'm not going to take that anymore. You can't be burning shapes into my kid. That's not, what are you doing? I'm going to read directly from this alternate article. It says the Dennis family's – and this is the people who I guess moved away from this fucking nut bread school here. The Dennis family's problems began one day when their son Zachary, then 13, showed them some marks on his arm. The red burns were in the shape of a cross. showed them some marks on his arm.

The red burns were in the shape of a cross, and Zachary told his parents that a science teacher named John Freshwater was responsible for them. Freshwater had made the mark with an electric device called a Tesla coil. Really? What? Burning a kid with a Tesla coil? Are you serious?

First off, that had to hurt like fuck. But the thing is that this kid has a bright future ahead of him. He's going to have a great career as a conductor. I heard his activities met a lot of resistance. I heard this case didn't get past circuit court. You know, the only way to get past the burn is just to chant, om. What? Those are all electricity jokes.

Oh, man. Seriously, like this guy says in the article that it's divided the community. I cannot imagine being so religious that when your kid comes home from school with burnt flesh, you're like, oh man, but it's Jesus burnt. Like I love Jesus so much. I will let science teachers mark my child's flesh with singy, singy pain. How is this guy a science teacher? You know, like this is the thing that he's a science teacher and he rallied against his school that they were – he was like asking kids what religion they were in class. How do you get away with that? And he didn't get away with it, right?

That's what happened. He didn't get away with that? And he didn't get away with it, right? That's what happened. He didn't get away with it. He got like I guess canned and then he's like fighting it to get back and this family's fucking life started getting really, really uncomfortable because people were blaming them for the loss of this person. I mean this is not a fucking heartwarming fucking tale. No, it's not. It's a skinwarming tale but not a heartwarming tale. I can't – how do you blame the family? Like you really should have sat there quietly while the science teacher burned his religious ideas into your students' flesh.

Well, it's the exact same thing as, oh, well, how dare you tell on our preacher, you know, for fucking your kid. Of course, of course. You know, how do you do that? Well, we're all on the same team is what they think. We're all on the same team. We're all on fucking Team Jesus. So if you're not on Team Jesus, you're against Team Jesus. This is a fucking GW Bushism.

You're not with us. You're against us. Okay. Well, that's a dumb fucking position. Right. That's not a dumb fucking position. Right. That's not a very thoughtful position. And don't you wonder, too, like what if you came up to these people who were so vociferously in favor of this teacher and said, okay, I'm going to brand you. Pull back your sleeve, motherfucker.

Let's get branded right now. Right. many of them would break into a cold sweat at the thought of their flesh being burnt and be like oh perhaps i will reconsider my position regarding being branded like a goddamn piece of cattle i think it's it's it's all it's all well and good when it happens to somebody else's kid sure but when when the idea is like well we well, how about if we just brand you? You think it's cool to have your skin burnt. Let me just, I will fucking heat up a coat hanger right now, motherfucker. I got a lighter and some isopropyl alcohol. We will get this shit done. Yeah, do it on your forehead. Right. You look like fucking Charles Manson. In the beginning,

God created the heavens and the earth. To me, it's pretty simple. A person either believes that God created this process or believes that it was an accident and that it just happened all on its own. Well, Cecil, this story is from the Rocky Mountain Collegian College. Collegian. Collegian. College. Ion.

Ian's college. Congenital Ian. We don't have, this is an editorial, we don't have all the answers. Evolution is a theory, says a woman in a white dress. There's just a picture of just a woman in a white dress. Just like, hey, here's me saying it's just a theory. You know, we got into this on our Facebook page with somebody. We've heard this. Everybody has heard this a thousand times. Cecil, it's got to get addressed. It does. We have to talk about it.

Theory in the colloquial sense does not mean theory in the scientific sense. It's just, but people think that they're equals, that when I say something is a theory, I don't mean that it's been rigorously tested and has mountains of data behind it. I just mean it's a hunch and that's not the same thing. No. No. They fail. Every time that they use this, it's – what they fail to understand is that they're using a rhetorical device rather than a factual argument. And a rhetorical device is not a fact. You can't prove that something is right or wrong by playing a rhetorical trick.

And I think a lot of times they do understand the difference, or at least they've been told of the difference. been told of the difference. If they've engaged in any kind of substantive debate with anybody even remotely knowledgeable, they've been told of the difference between a scientific theory and the colloquial, I got a hunch theory, like you mentioned, you know. But they choose to use it as a rhetorical trick because it's convenient and it's cheap and it's easy and you know what it kind of sounds good if you don't know that that a theory is just shy of a law you know that it is a hypothesis which has been proven to be accurate through a mountain as you mentioned of evidence and testing and you know data that supports it. A theory is solid. Shit doesn't become a fucking scientific theory just because, hey, this is a way it might work.

It's like shit has become a scientific theory. That's a hypothesis, right? It might work like this. Well, let's test it. Let's test it. And this has been tested and tested and tested. That's the problem. I've heard some ways in which life could be created.

I've heard ways in which we've created amino acids that could eventually evolve into life. But, you know, we have to experiment on a scale that is much smaller than, you know, the entirety of time. We have to experiment on ways that can show it in a way that makes sense. So we can't, we obviously can't just be like, okay, we'll plug that shit in and let's just wait until, you know, 4 billion years and see what happens. Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? So we can't do that. It's not a fucking easy bake oven.

Whenever you say God did it, it's the end of the conversation. And that's the least interesting thing you can do to the world around you. If you have a problem, let's even imagine you do have a problem. I don't think we do, but if you have a problem with evolution, putting a period at the end of the sentence is the least interesting way to address that problem. It's the dumbest way to get to the bottom of things because it just sits always at the top and refuses to delve any deeper. And I also always have to point out evolution never purports to explain a biogenesis.

Yeah, that's a totally different thing. It doesn't try. So you can't point to evolution and say, well, you didn't explain how life began. So, you know, evolution as a concept is flawed. It's like, well, that's like saying like, well, mufflers don't explain it either. Well, mufflers don't try to explain it. So mufflers still muffle. Like it doesn't – what are you talking about?

It didn't – it never tries to do that. It's a silly, fucking backward, ridiculous argument. And I do think that these arguments are used disingenuously by a lot of these folks because you simply cannot engage these discussions for very long without running into real problems. who really, really, really don't want us to look at their book and the way the book explains things and say, well, it got this wrong. What else did it get wrong? Right. They want to make sure that they have the monopoly on what their book – on the validity of their own book. So they're going to keep on trying to make sure that in this process, in the educational process, we're going to talk about in a second, Louisiana and things like that. The educational process, we're always talking about creationism. We're always talking about the Bible. We're always talking about the way this book

lays things out so that they can always go back to it and say, well, it's not technically wrong about this thing. So you can't say, well, it was wrong about this. It's also wrong about the gays. It's also wrong about the money changers. It's also wrong about, you know, whatever other things you want to point out that it claims to have truth on. The truth claims can be proven wrong then. Well, boys and girls, put your hand up if you've heard of the word evolution. Oh, boy, I think just about everyone puts their hands up.

Hands down. Put your hand up if you've heard that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. Dear, oh dear. Hands down. Put your hand up if you've heard that people came from ape-like creatures or something like that. You know, I think just about everybody in the world has heard those things. And I want to tell you right from the start here, I don't believe that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago,

and I certainly don't believe that you came from ape-like creatures or anything like that. Well, if you're talking about truth claims, you've got to look at our next story from BuzzFeed.com. Louisiana schoolchildren learn these things about evolution. These are images, Cecil, from textbooks? I hesitate to call them that. I wouldn't call them a textbook. I would say pamphlets or propaganda.

Paper with words. Yeah. These are word paper. Yeah. The Louisiana public school system or the Louisiana school system, does provide some public funding for private schools. And some of those private schools are, of course, religious schools. And religious schools, of course, teach some fucking bullshit about evolution, including gems like dating fossils. Most, I love this, most evolutionists, because that's really a thing, do not believe that there was one great flood.

So they look for other ways to explain how fossils were formed. I love how even the beginning puts the idea of evolution on its back foot. Right? evolution and just from a just from a standpoint of how this is written it automatically puts the the idea of evolution on its back foot trying to explain what wink wink we all know came from the flood you know yeah it's so bad these textbooks are so fucking bad and they're so bad because they have to do like you were saying they have to you were saying, they have to try to coincide. They have to try to finagle all of the world's real evidence to match this book written by a bunch of fucking goat herds 2,000 years ago that were completely fucking ignorant of even the concept of science, much less scientific discoveries that will be made hundreds of years, thousands of years later. It's – to read the linguistic backflips that these guys have to do is horrifying.

To think that students are going to go through and read these things? Yeah. You mentioned they're pop quizzes? Well, in one of them it says, we're gonna give you five different articles to read. And you have to identify which one's the creationist and which one's the evolutionist. Evolutionist is

what they say, too. That's why I'm saying it. How fucking hard is that? I mean, really? Are the answers upside down at the bottom of the page? Well, you know, even if they were, if these are the textbooks you're given, you know, I don't think you would have the wherewithal after being fed textbooks of such low quality to even think to turn the page upside down.

You'd be like, reading upside down, I ain't no kind of magician. I can't be reading them words backwards. Books only go one way. They only go one way, and that's the right way. God's way. God don't read no book upside down. That's why there ain't nothing upside down printed in the Bible. You have to hold it in the missionary position.

On the missionary position. On the missionary position. There's a part of this that says, evolution teaches that life on Earth began with simple organisms. Over millions of years, these organisms gradually evolved into a new complex forms of life. If this were true, simple life forms would be all buried in the lowest layer of rock. Fossils do not always follow the pattern that evolutionists expect. I mean, like right there, you're reading this and you're like, okay, well, you're supposed to be presenting, even if they are, Tom,

even if like fucking the dumb fucks that made this possible for something like this to happen. I know this isn't a public school, right? These are some state-funded, state-sponsored schools. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're public schools. But, you know, even if you're allowing something like this to happen, you're saying, okay, well, the people in our voting district want to vote on whether or not evolution and intelligent design should be taught in schools, which is dumb. There's a great Penn and Teller bit where they say, you know, voting on the sex of a

rabbit doesn't change the fucking rabbit sex. You know, it's still a fucking male or a female just because everybody voted on it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change the whether or not something is true. But even if they were, you would think that they would at least approach it in a way where they're giving both of them some sort of equal footing. But this is not written like that at all. I mean it's completely giving all and everything to the creationist point of view.

This does such a disservice to the kids that have to endure this sort of educational process because when they're done with it, they're not going to be well-versed in science. They're not going to – and let's not pretend too that quality colleges don't know this. Colleges, universities, especially high-level colleges and universities, they are ranking your high school. If you're in high school, they know how hard your high school is. You know, being a straight-A student at a shitbag school and being a straight-A student at one of the elite high schools in the country, they're not viewed the same. So even if you have a really bright kid and he goes to a school like this and he's acing all of his quizzes and tests on science and evolution and creationism i mean you're the chances of that kid really breaking free from this system of bullshit

is pretty low like this does a grand disservice to the entire educational life cycle of the people who are put into this system. It's problematic. So we're going to take a quick break and give you all the information you need to find us on Facebook, on Twitter, to send us emails, to leave us voicemails. And we're also posting now to Google Plus. So you can check that out as well. Want to contact Cognitive Dissonance? Visit them on Facebook. You can find the link at the website, dissonancepod.com or type it in the Facebook search bar. Be sure to follow the guys on Twitter. Their handle is at dissonance underscore pod. The guys also post to Google Plus now too, so check them out there. And if you'd like to email them,

you can do so at dissonance.podcast at gmail.com. You can also leave a comment on the blog at their webpage or give them a call at 740-74-DOUBT. That's 740-743-6828. Long distance rates apply. And to everyone who listens, shares, retweets, or rates the show, Cognitive Dissonance would like to cordially thank you for all of your fucking support. Thank you for all of your fucking support. Cecil, cancel your trip to Texas unless you have a valid passport. Because Texas is looking... Can I get down there with just my birth certificate or no? Yeah, but you got to have the long form or they won't accept it.

Texas petition to secede reaches the threshold uh for comment now that the uh whitehouse.gov uh has a a mechanism where you can petition the white house to respond and they need 25 000 uh votes basically on a petition um and that if you get, they reach that threshold, that will prompt a response by the administration. So it's a way for the people to have a voice and, you know, sort of express what it is they feel is particularly important. What Texas evidently feels is particularly important that they want to tell the federal government is, fuck you, we're leaving. Texas will never be allowed to leave. You know what? Texas

should put a petition in to suck seed instead of succeed. That's what they should put the petition in for. I wonder, here's the thing. Let's just say that we let them go.

Let's just say, okay, cool. Go. You have your own country. Here you go. We're going to take back all of our military, all of the things that are keeping you safe. And next week you're going to be invaded by somebody because you're not part of our country anymore. You don't have the protections of our country anymore. Like, you know, you basically have a first world country ripe for the picking for taking over. All you have is like fucking pistols and shotguns and probably a few automatic weapons.

Awesome. That does nothing against the tank. Like, you have to understand that you are not a fucking independent nation, man. You're a state. You can't just be like, that's like picking up your chips after winning at poker. You know, you win a big hand at, time to leave. No, no, no, it's not. You ain't leaving yet there, son.

We've got all this money we fucking shoveled into you for years and years and years. And don't tell me Rick Perry's fucking saying, no, we don't want any of that money. He's fucking taking that money. What are you just going to go now? Well, give us our roads back. Right. You don't get any more interstates. Like, sorry, it's interstate.

You're not a state. We don't get the interstate. We'll just tear them up out of spite before we go. We should build a wall. Yeah, fuck you, you know. You know who should invade Texas if they become their own country? America. Yeah. You know, I hear it's good land down there. It's right on the coast. So, you know, you got a nice big area over there. One state cannot secede from the United States. You may recall Texas. I know

history isn't your thing, but half the country, give or take, gave this a whirl a couple of years back when the half of the country that tried to leave was about evenly equipped with the half of the country that wanted them to stick around. Yeah. It didn't work out. Civil war, not so good. You can't just secede. You can't just sign a petition with 25,000 people and say, I don't want to be part of America no more.

Really? Because you've kind of benefited a lot from being part of America. America kind of wants you to stick around. You got a lot of oil. You got a lot of oil part of america america kind of wants you to stick around you got a lot of oil you got a lot of oil refineries we have reasons to keep texas as a nation it looks kind of bad to have our states leave too yeah so you never sign a petition it's such a fruitless gesture it's such a pointless ridiculous why i mean for fuck's sake i cannot think of anything more utterly pointless than being like well we should just sign a petition to secede really because that won't fucking work you're never going to secede it's not going to work no one's going to

let you go you would fail on your own we're never going to let you walk away from the united states you know i i think during the drought drought, Texas applied for federal disaster relief. Would you like some more of that when you need it? You can't have it if you leave. It's silly, man. It's fucking silly. Well, and 25,000 people, Tom, I just figured it out,

is.01% of their fucking... It's not even.01. It's.009% of their fucking – it's not even.01. It's.009% of their fucking – of the amount of people there. Because there's 25 million people that live in Texas. How is 25,000 even representative? Like fucking – Ron Paul got more votes than that. And not all of those petition signatures were from Texas. That's the thing.

So it's like, well, Texas wants to leave. Well, no, they don't. Yeah. Well, and the other great thing about this article is you get to see all the other fucking wackadoos out there that are like, I want my state to go. And then people start signing. One of them is New York. Are you fucking serious? New York is going to – who's going to – what New Yorker is going to be like,

yeah, let's fucking – let's run this fucking thing ourselves, huh? You would think Hurricane Sandy would have shown them the – Right, the error of your ways at that point. The error of that particular way. It's so absurd. You may as well have Washington, D.C. secede. You know, it's like, fuck you. This is a stupid concept.

You're part of this goddamn country. You're not going anywhere. Cut out the foolish, childish nonsense. I understand your guy didn't win. Your fucking pony in the race did not come in first. Boo fucking hoo. Happens to everyone from time to time. You know what you got to do?

Suck it the fuck up and try harder next time. If you want your pony to win the race, train a better pony. You ran a shitty pony. Your pony fucking lost. Yeah, and now you're going to stomp your foot and hold your fucking breath. We'll hold your breath. Temper tantrum, butt hurt motherfuckers. Yeah, hold your breath and we'll just take our military back and tear up your roads.

Best of luck to you. It's fucking to be the walking dead down there in one week. You know, the thing is, I think if any state could do it, Texas might be the state. Texas is the one that has the, you know, they have the past like that. But I, Mexico would just take them back. Yeah. Mexico would be like, we've been waiting for this. Yeah, no kidding. Give me, give me, give me, give would just take him back. Yeah. Mexico would be like, we've been waiting for this. Yeah, no kidding.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. He's no longer a made guy? Quick, kill him. Right? Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth all truth and nothing but the truth? Why don't you answer him? He's talking big right now. I don't know what he's saying. He's asking you if you

swear. No, but I know all the words. He's asking you if you swear. No, but I know all the words. He's asking you if you'll swear to tell the truth. Truth is stranger than fiction, Judgey Woody. This story is also from the Friendly Atheist blog. Drunk driving teen sentenced to 10 years of church attendance as part of his probation. as part of his probation. This kid is 17 years old, drinks some alcohol, gets behind the wheel, crashes his car, kills the passenger in the car.

He gets probation and sentenced to church time. How the fuck is church supposed to make him a better person? I want to say, though, too, what is 10 years of church as a punishment? You know what that is? It's 10 years of community service you can sleep through. No kidding. It's 10 years of community service where you get a snack. Like, what the fuck, man? There are people who kill other people or involuntarily manslaughter other people who get put behind bars.

They fucking have to do hard time. You get to fucking every Sunday spend an hour in an air-conditioned, heat-controlled room with a fucking choir and a snack. And you get to do a little fucking aerobic exercise as you stand and kneel the entire time? Right. Like are you kidding me? That's ridiculous. That's not a punishment. And even if like – and let's just say, OK, well, we're not in the justice system to punish.

I'm fucking with you. I'd love to see more rehabilitative ways in which to get people to not do the crimes that they were doing. But this also strikes me as a way in which to not – that would not rehabilitate someone from doing something. If this happened to me, I couldn't stop thinking how I fucking totally tricked the system. Exactly. Exactly. It's 520 hours. That's what it is.

That's what you've been sentenced to. Five hundred and twenty hours of maybe at the worst being a little bored. It has nothing to do with drunk driving. It's totally unrelated to the crime for which he was convicted. You know, I mean, and I guess I understand, you know, not I guess, I do. I understand the sort of convoluted reasoning that this is an accident that occurred because the person who committed the crime was evidently a person of loose morals or poor character. And the way to build character and morals is through church, except that that's not a truism. Like that's not something that we know for certain is a way to rehabilitate people. Studies of prison religiosity shows that the prison population is incredibly religious. It's a very religious group of people. Prisoners also, rates of recidivism are very high. Right. Which means you've got religious people who continue to commit crimes.

Yes. Religiosity doesn't prevent people from committing crime. So sentencing this kid, 17 years old, to attend a church is not only a clear violation of separation of church and state. Right. Because the state is obviously overstepping its bounds but it isn't even an effective as you mentioned it's not an effective rehabilitative measure it's just a pet project for the judge right it's not it's not it's not an effective punitive measure because i mean let's let's be honest they sentence they sentence some

people to really shitty prison terms with you know a shitty prison, not in a fucking minimum security. We're talking a difficult maximum security place. That's punitive and I recognize. I mean I'll look at our justice system all day and be like, well, yeah, it's totally punitive. And lots of people have to do hard time for stupid shit. People do fucking – people get worse off than this for selling a small bag of pot. Nobody died. Nobody got injured. But

instead it's like, well this guy, you know, drove his car, killed someone in it, and he gets to go to church? Man, they have church in prison. Send him to that one every week. Right. Who knows, he might even like church already.

Maybe he already goes to church. What if he was a church-going person already? This would be a sentence of no sentence, right? That'd be like sentencing me to eat a food. Be like, eat a food. Be like, I'm already on that shit. I got it. No problem.

Who's that guy on the other side of the glory hole? It's Jesus. This story is from examiner.com, which means it's spurious at best. Although I did suss the story out on other sources as well. Lawyer for anti-gay Christian group arrested for child porn. sources as well lawyer for anti-gay christian group arrested for child porn um lisa b ron byron birren an associate with a national coalition of anti-gay christian lawyers faces federal charges stemming from her alleged activity in child pornography arrested by fbi agents and faces charges of child pornography and intent to engage in criminal sexual activity.

She is also associated with the Alliance Defending Freedom, a group of lawyers who are committed to keeping the door open for the spread of the gospel. What? Ew. Really? You're already having the sexy times. Do you got to tape it too? Are you going to forget?

Isn't that why we hire other people? Because other people are better looking than us anyway. No kidding, right? The last thing I can imagine turning me on would be a picture of me naked. Or Lisa Byron naked. Put that away. I don't need that. Jesus Christ.

That's a dick welter. You know, that's the thing. It's like, why are you? I mean, I guess some people, it's a fetish or whatever for some people. Cool, man. You got a little kink. Awesome. Good for you.

Go explore your kink with a fucking adult. Yeah, no kidding. With a fucking consenting adult. I guarantee, lady, you want to go out and have a homosexual relationship or a heterosexual relationship or a fucking, you know, a menage a trois, a fucking group orgy. You can find a place to fit in any one of those. And I bet you if you persuaded some of them, it might take you a little longer, but you could persuade some of them to film it too.

You can fucking do it. You will find it. If you want to do it, there's people out there that want you to do it to them, right? Like that fucking, there's an internet for a reason. Fucking post on Craigslist, lady. What the fuck? You don't have to go take somebody who is underage, can't consent, and basically force them or convince them or cajole them or get them to fucking do this. You don't have to do that.

Well, and obviously the hypocrisy is so incredibly thick. That's why we're talking about it. Right. You know, this is a lawyer who works, actively works, to shatter the lives of homosexuals. And lives life as a homosexual. Right. You know, these people are, in her mind, engaging in an immoral or indecent sexual act. Right. You know, these people are, in her mind, engaging in an immoral or indecent sexual act. Right. Their very lifestyle of engaging in homosexual actions is so abhorrent to this woman who on her Facebook page lists her favorite book as the Bible. her favorite book as the bible that's a snooze of a read but this woman spends her adult life even she went to to school to become a lawyer to waste that time and energy and expertise

hurting other people because of what she perceives as their immoral sexual behavior and not only does she get engaged in homosexual acts with an underage person, but also child pornography. It's like there's the everything wrong with you. Like everything is wrong with you. This is a very similar story to that pastor who did crystal meth and had a tranny hooker. He was like, what the hell was his name? I'm going to look it up. Crystal meth pastor. Crystal meth pastor, Tom, the first entry.

Wikipedia for Ted Haggard. But Ted Haggard had this, you know, he had this sort of life where he was, you know, he's leading this double life. She's leading this double life. How do you live that life, though? I don't even understand. Self-loathing, just covered in self-loathing, like gravy. Covered in self-loathing and a lot of lube. Under this bill, when the Republicansans vote for this bill today they will be voting to say that women can die on the floor and health care providers do not have to intervene

if this bill is passed it's just appalling oh this next story is blowing up the intertubes yeah um we found it on nitty central um which I don't even know how I found Nitty Central. I don't know what that is even from. Indian woman dies after abortion refusal in Ireland. This is actually quite a tragic story. An Indian woman in Ireland was 17 weeks pregnant. She suffered a miscarriage. suffered a miscarriage um and unfortunately because ireland is such a catholic country they refused even though the the fetus was not viable it was not going to survive there was it

had no chance of surviving of growing to full term and surviving or being born even at 17 weeks would be absurdly yeah under age 25 I think or 24 is the youngest. This was a done fucking deal and until the heart stopped on its own despite her being in terrible pain the doctors refused to remove the

fetus, the unviable fetus. As a result she developed a septic infection and died. She fucking died for that shit. You know, you're picking a fully developed, fully actualized life over a potential life. And I don't think that that judgment should be up to someone who isn't in that position. someone who isn't in that position. I think that we call it choice for a reason.

It's not the doctor's choice. It's not the society's choice. It's not the fucking – it's not your next door neighbor's choice. It's your choice. It falls on your shoulders. You have to bear the burden of this, OK? Maybe it's a difficult decision for you, but it doesn't stop it from being your choice. And this is not something I would I would like to see in our country. This is and this is this is a reality that a lot of far right Christian right wackos are fucking jizzing themselves over this. They would love this to happen in our country because, and we've heard this a bunch of

times, specifically from somebody who posts on our comments on our page all the time, is they love to, they call themselves pro-life, but they're okay with people dying in this way because it's slut shaming, because it's a way in which to say that the important people die and the unimportant people – or the unimportant people die and the important people stay alive. And that's sort of the universe that we live in and we're cool with that. I mean you read this and I mean you hear that argument. It's – the first thing that occurs to me is it sounds like a thinning of the immoral herd. Like let them die out. It's their fault. They

brought this hell upon themselves. And had they not become pregnant in this fashion, then they would not have suffered these terrible consequences. That is an awful worldview to have. That is a hateful,

misogynistic, mean-spirited worldview to hold. And to have somebody with a clearly unviable fetus within them, this is fucking done. I was reading a couple of other articles related to this incident. And this incident is getting international attention. It's becoming quite a big deal. I read several other articles related to this. And, you know, there are actual laws and references in the legislature to the fact that, you know, Ireland is a Catholic country, so you cannot have an abortion no matter what. And the medical alternative mentioned in some of their laws

is to go to Britain to get the procedure done. So they're basically acknowledging, they're acknowledging that this is an immoral practice, that there are medical situations which are necessary for the life of the mother. No matter how you come down on this issue, you don't have a viable second person in this equation. You only can think about the one that is still viable, the mother. If you do anything else, you are being immoral, regardless of what your book says. And when your country is so intellectually convoluted that you have to say, well, they could always go to Britain and get it done. We don't want to change our laws basically because we need to kowtow to the Catholic majority. So we'll build right into our legal system the option to leave our country

rather than have quality health care, quality laws here, we will build into our legislature the, hey, just go somewhere else. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. That's fucked up. That is a broken system. And I'm speaking from America. Our system is fucking shattered. So, but that's some fucked up shit. I think when people are so against abortion, what they're against is the throwing away of the potential life in a flippant way. I think that's what gets people fired up.

But this isn't the case in this situation. This is a textbook case why abortion shouldn't be a big goddamn deal. You have a husband and wife attempting to have a child. The child has a problem. The child gets miscarried. The child is killing the mother and you still don't act. This isn't a 16-year-old who's looking, who doesn't want to raise a child.

This isn't a child that's going to be born into a poor household and they don't want to have to have another mouth to feed and they don't want to go through the horrible – the pregnancy. This isn't a rape case where somebody was dressed like a slut and they got what they deserved. This is a fucking – this is a husband and wife who had a miscarriage. None of your fucking – none of your stereotypes fit in this fucking bubble of anti-abortion. And this is what happens when you don't allow it. It's almost like it's not a black and white issue.

Yeah, no kidding, right? You know, right? It's like you can't have – you can't treat this like a black and white issue. We have to recognize the gray area that defines the complexities of when life begins, what it means to be pregnant, what it means for something to be viable. You cannot have laws that are this rigid or this shit is going to be the natural consequence. You want answers? I think I'm entitled.

You want answers. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. See, so this story is from FBC Jack's Watch Dogs. FBC Jack's Watch Dogs. Blogspot.com. Perry Noble blames homosexuality on non-tithing Christians. Perry Noble, pastor of the fast-growing New Spring Church in Anderson, South Carolina, says,

the fast-growing New Spring Church in Anderson, South Carolina, says maybe there would be less homosexuality in the world today if there were less greedy Christians who actually cared enough to tithe and spread the gospel. Because that's why some guys like the dick. Because there wasn't enough tithing. And that's why some of the ladies rock the vag, Cecil. Tithing. It all comes back to tithing.

It doesn't come back to tithing. Seriously, I don't understand this at all. But again, you're just connecting the sin, right? It's like connect the dots. You're just like pointing to the audience and saying, okay, well, there's sins to be accounted for. to be accounted for. And obviously, since God created all of us and wants us to be interconnected in some way, these sins are interconnected in our fucking crazy worldview with each other. So your greed, therefore, causes more people to be homosexual.

It's such a bizarre correlation that he's making. Like, you could fill this in and be like, maybe there would be less homosexuality in the world today if there were less hungry, hungry hippos. Yeah. Let's feed the hippos. Like what? It's not,

those two things don't have anything to do with one another. They have, they have, there is no correlation at all between them. You're simply saying like, maybe there would be less of this thing we don't like if there was more of this thing we do like. Maybe there would be less murderers out there, Tom, if more people rode around with jumper cables in their car. Maybe.

That's possible. Yeah. Maybe there would be less burglaries if more people had a mohawk. I wouldn't rob your house if you had a mohawk. People had a mohawk. I wouldn't rob your house if you had a mohawk. It's such a bizarre thing to do just to be like, well, I don't like homosexuality. But you know what I do like?

Tithing. I like a Lexus. So you need to buy me a Lexus. Right, right. Man, this Rolex is scuffed. You know what I'm going to do? Blame the gays. I really kind of want to know where tithing goes like okay you're not

you're taking in some money but it's got to go to obviously the upkeep of the place but it's going to your salary it's going to what part of it's going to help the poor you know that's the thing is like I wonder how many people out there throw money in every week and then

basically the money just goes to like some dude buying a fucking Alexis and having a nice suit. Well, you know, you hit I think you hit on something there because what I genuinely believe is that most people think they're giving the money to God. Like it goes to God's wallet or the priest or the pastor takes it. It goes right into God's chase checking account right that's what i mean like it's like in god's paypal you know the money to god but it's not going it's it's it's going to a person who sits there and collects the money every week and counts it it's as it doesn't become spiritual currency it always stays actual currency. It's not.

You didn't give a dollar to God, even if there was a God, even if there was a God. You never gave one. I don't care how much you fucking tithe. You never gave a fucking dollar to God. It's a stupid. What does he need money for anyway? What does he need to buy his God? He'd be like, well, you know what I need?

Nothing. I'm fucking omnipotent. I just fucking make whatever I want. You know, God's PayPal account, though, the thing is that they can't actually trace the address, so it's an unverified account. He must be on a proxy server. Sorry, God. You're not a trusted seller.

Sorry, God. You're not a trusted seller. So we didn't get any voicemail, Tom. We did get several pieces of email. We're going to start with a person by the name of Steve, and you can call him Steve, as he says in his videos. He'll allow it. He does a thing called sciences and scary.

It's a YouTube video. His production values at this point are a little low, he says, but he's working on getting some different camera equipment. We're going to link to him cause he said, Hey, would you mind spreading the word? We're going to link directly to his YouTube account on this episode of the show.

So he can, so you can take a look at some of his videos. We hope, and we wish you the best, Steve. Hopefully your YouTube presence grows and you'll be able to continue to make sure people understand that science isn't scary. So, Tom, I guess we were, I don't know, is it punked? I don't know. By somebody down in New Zealand because we pronounced

kookaburra wrong. Kookaburra. Kookaburra. You did a great job on that. Throw me a fucking shrimp on the Barbie, bro. What the fuck? But evidently this person is a New Zealander who called in last week because this person who's listening to us, Joe from Melbourne, says – or is it Melbourne?

I don't know. Whatever the fuck. However the fuck you pronounce the name of your city. He says that that guy's a New Zealander, which I could not tell the difference between their accents. No, but he calls him a faker and a charlatan of the very worst kind. And evidently we were trolled by this guy. But I will stand by my pronunciation as kangaroo. Here we are with a message from Matt.

Matt from Down Under as well says, Here we are with a message from Matt. Matt from Down Under as well says, he said on ours, you know, it's funny. He says, P.S. You guys said you can't spot the difference between our accents and Kiwis. When Gio was on your show, I can't spot the difference between you three and Alan Alder. I love that he calls him Alder. Seinfeld and Steve Buscemi. Well, Steve Buscemi is definitely prettier than we are. He's thinner at least.

So we got an email from Lorraine. Lorraine is a young person a little bit, a little young, 13 years old. We're happy that you're listening at 13. I think that that's probably the youngest age I would want someone listening to the show. I actually want infants listening to this show. I want our podcast on the headphones around the bellies of expectant mothers. Talk about an abortion epidemic. There's a rash of miscarriages as the children try to escape.

Oh, no. Don't listen. Don't listen if you're in Ireland. Don't do that. Don't do that. So we got an email from Ryan who says that he was listening to a couple podcasts. One podcast sounded like they used some of the clips that we used, Tom. I guess Jesus Camp was in there and some of the sound bites and things. We don't own any of that stuff, Ryan.

A lot of that stuff comes from a movie called Jesus Camp. And I'm going to say I probably, you know, I obviously add the sound effects after in post. I probably used one or two sound effects in this episode for Jesus Camp because they are great. They're wonderful. If you haven't seen Jesus Camp, it's available at least in the USA on Netflix on demand. It's a wonderful, wonderful

movie and even if it's a slanted documentary which I personally don't think it's too horribly slanted, even if it is and you were to say that there was a hundred minutes of them saying normal shit, the crazy shit they say should just make you say, oh, my God, these people are nuts.

It's a horror movie. I would classify that genre-wise as a horror movie because it's a goddamn horror show to watch that thing. I love them. I mean it's a fascinating documentary. It's unsettling. The idea that somebody is using the same clips, hey, good for them, man. They're good clips. The stuff that you're mentioning, we don't even own.

So there's nothing we can do. We could be as mad as hell about it. There's nothing we could do about it. I'm mad as hell, and I'm going to continue to take it because there's really nothing I can do. You're going to take all of it. That's all for me. We got an email, Tom, our first email from China. Yeah, holy cow.

An email from – that was pretty cool. Hello from China. China. Yeah, holy cow. An email from... That was pretty cool. Hello from China. Okay. Neat. I don't know what else to say, but... That's really cool. Fucking neat, man. We don't get a whole lot from China.

We've gotten, I think, a listener from Thailand before. We've gotten several people in Japan, but I don't think they're... We've had a South Korean listener, but I think this is our... I'm still waiting for the Mongolian listener. Uzbekistan is not called in. Uzbekistan hasn't chimed in. I'm waiting for our first

Liberian listener. I don't know when that's going to happen. Probably never. I don't know if they have an internet there yet. Too busy being incredibly backward at the moment. And since we started this podcast, 1,300 downloads have gone to China. So 1,300 times someone has

downloaded over to China. And that tells you something because New Zealand's only downloaded 4,600 times. So that'll tell you something. I don't know what it tells me. That tells you that New Zealand downloaded more than China. It's simple math, Tom. One number is bigger than the other number. Try to keep up, bro. I'm trying, but I'm dim. So.

We got an email, Tom, from Alan, who thinks we kind of missed the boat a little on monumental. Yeah. Here's the thing. We did miss several points when discussing monumental, discussing constitutional issues, discussing the the faith or lack thereof of the forefathers, what they chose to include or exclude from the Constitution. We didn't mention the Bill of Rights at all. It is only an hour and a half show. You know, it's like you can't touch on hundreds of years of political history and hit every point. And really, we're just trying to make fun of her. I was just trying to make fun of Kirk Cameron. I want to thank Eleanor and everybody else who sent in emails and messages and let us know that we missed a bunch of stuff. We absolutely missed stuff. Some stuff we just we wouldn't have had time to talk about, as Tom says, and some stuff we genuinely just missed. But thank you all for pointing it out.

We're glad we have such intelligent people who listen to the show who can send us email like this and be like, hey, you missed this. I want to point out before we end, first I want to thank everybody, as always thanks, everybody who has rated us on iTunes. At this point, Tom, I think we're up to 385 reviews on iTunes. We are close to the 400 mark in reviews, and that's really great for a show as young as ours. We want to thank everybody who rates us on iTunes.

It's so nice, and it really does push us up a little higher on the ratings. We are fighting it out with podcasts like Reasonable Doubts and Thinking Atheist all the time for number one spot there. So we want to thank everybody who does that for us. I also want to say one more time, today is Thursday, November 22nd. That means that you have one month left to donate to Doctors Without Borders through us, through our page, DissonancePod.com, Apocalypse Without Borders widget on the left hand side of the page. You can click it and it will take you to a PayPal payment system. You'll send us the money and we will put it in with the rest of the kitty, which now with

our money is going to be over 6K. Yeah, it's a ton of money. Our listeners are very generous. If you've not donated yet, we would just love to see that number continue to climb because it's a worthy cause. It is. It's absolutely worthy and it's all you. This has nothing to do with us.

We're obviously adding a couple hundred dollars here, but really this is all you. This is all our audience, how wonderful our audience is and how much they care. This is really a great thing, and we're so happy that you have gone the extra mile to make this a wonderful, wonderful chunk of change that we can turn over in a month. So you have a month left if you haven't donated yet. Well, that ends our Turkey Day 75th golden anniversary episode. Maybe it's even more. It's probably platinum at this point.

We're going to leave you as always with the Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy healing, water downward spiral, brain dead pan, sales pitch, late night info docutainment. Leo, Pan, Sales Pitch, Late Night Info, Docutainment. Leo, Pisces, Cancer Cures, Detox, Reflex, Foot Massage, Death in Towers, Tarot Cars, Psychic Healing, Crystal Balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, Aliens, Churches, Mosques and Synagogues, Temples, Dragons, Giant Worms, Atlantis, Dolphins, Truthers, Birthers, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. Expose your sides.

Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. G'day, Bruce from Australia here. I was just wandering past and I noticed you're listening to Cecil and Tom from the Cognitive Dissonance podcast. I'd just like to point out that the views expressed by these two galahs are not necessarily those of their employers, families, friends or the local sheep shearing association. Apparently these two came out with this festering pile of rotting dingoes bollocks all by themselves.

It's truth. It baffles me why anyone would listen to these two drongos anyway. Seems they've got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock, if you know what I mean. I reckon they've been down the local watering hole drinking like lizards. Anyway, just thought I'd like to point that out. Now I've got to go see a man about a wallaby, and I might crack a tube,

put a prawn on the barbie, and drop this ridiculous Australian stereotype. Cheers.