Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 751: Vulgarity for Charity 2023 Part 4

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

Thank you to everyone who supported our Vulgarity for Charity!

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. recording live from glory hole studios in chicago and beyond This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode, we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome at. This is the second time in a couple of weeks I'm having to do this because of a weird schedule for Tom and I. We had to shift several things around in the past couple of weeks. So this episode is a Vulgarity for Charity episode.

We recorded it with Noah, Heath, and Eli several weeks ago. So this particular episode is entirely a Vulgarity for Charity. It's all the high donor roasts, and it's going to sit in its own place on our feed. So hope you guys enjoy it. Here it is. Welcome to a Vulgarity for Charity special show so we can celebrate an amazing charity drive and roast the hell out of some people. To do this proper, we have to invite the meanest men in podcasting and their mascot, Noah, Heath, and Eli. So as much as I appreciate the superlative, Tom,

this is a profession dominated by alt-right bigots. I'm going to reject it, but I thank you for giving us some kind of ist. I hate people so much. They're just the worst people. People are the worst people. I am the gritty of this podcast. I appreciate you recognizing it, Tom.

Absolutely. We got you. We see you. All right, let's start this party right by thanking those people who gave money out of the kindness of their hearts.

So a special thanks to Katie H., Jim G., Natalie H., John A., David R., Logan, and Jennifer A.,

who donated $500. And an extra special thanks to Kevin S. for his $550 donation, Crystal for their $775 donation, and Donna M., whose donation of $960 was so good, we thanked her for it within two years of her making it. And a huge, huge, huge thanks to Scoop, Bucky, Michael D., Man Chicken, and Teresa W. for the donations of $1,000 each.

Okay, on to the roast. Let's kick off this big bucks version of O'Garrity for Charity with Noah. Noah Aubrey would like a roast of climate deniers. Oh, go easy on me. Thank you. So, all right. How the fuck are you going to believe

that some secret cabal of evil oligarchs are controlling the world when there's a perfectly good non-secret cabal of evil oligarchs just openly controlling the world you really think the poor malign underdog in our story is oil companies are you fucking serious you're you're sipping for literal cartoon villains right and and sure i see how you can reach the but what if the overwhelming consensus of scientists in diverse scientific fields is wrong question, but I have a lot more trouble seeing how you reach the I bet this series of Ayn Rand quoting dropout bloggers

nailed it though answer. I'm just saying, maybe when the stakes are the survivability of the planet Earth, we raise the bars of research above robo-voiced YouTube videos. Just a thought. Next up is Eli. Sawyer and Mindy want you to go off on J. Matthew Wright like a loaded weapon. Oh, if only, Tom.

Yeah, so for those of you who don't remember, J. Matthew Wright is the one who went to the Supreme Court for a domestic abuser's Second Amendment rights. And look, I'd say I hope someone shoots him in the fucking head, but that would make him my attorney so you know all right Heath this one is for you how about a roast of American city planners who fail to put in left turn lanes this is for Julie hey city planners your system of making free rights in order to make an anti-right it's unassailable geometrically math does check out that does technically work

but you must have heard the scuttlebutt around the water cooler about a lot of people they're making these new streamlined anti-rights in one fell swoop the kids are calling it a left yes they eat avocado toast they text without punctuation it's annoying but still just make a fucking lane also there's no reason to just give up on the numbering system of the grid and start using random names. Why do you all run out at like 250? You know how many numbers we have? We have so many that we know about, like easily 300 of them, for sure. Appleberry.

Tom, you're up next. Matt and Tony want a roast of the Southern Baptist Convention so to start the Southern Baptist Convention is not a convention it's a church and I couldn't help but be remembered of all the wonderful atheists and skeptical conventions I've been to as a point

of comparison you see you get a bunch of godless heathens together and something amazing happens amid the board games and the laughter there's's something else, something important. There is a deep sense of personal and collective fearlessness. Hundreds of strangers gather together. And while I'm not going to say there's never problems, there are more freak flags flying than red flags. No one is afraid because unlike the Baptists, we aren't selling fear in order to sell salvation. And that's really the heart of the SBC.

They claim they are selling salvation through grace, but they aren't. Not really. Because to sell you the grace, they have to make you buy terror to purchase dread and install it into the very marrow of you. And then and only then will they rent you your salvation from the horrors and anxieties you'd have never dreamed up on your own. But once these nightmares pervade your waking narrative, you have to pay and pay and pay over and over again because at every corner lurks the leering specter of unending misery and despair,

a lifetime of booby traps, of minor moral transgressions set like tripwires across the span of all your decades. Crimes and thought crimes and desires and even love all rigged to blow up not just your life, but time eternal. And they have the unmitigated temerity, the audacity, the gall to call that grace. How magnanimous then to threaten torture and pain and praise free will in the same liar's breath

all within a church rife with sex and abuse scandals, a church that rejects women as clergy, a church shedding members year after year, collapsing in upon itself like a neutron star of infinite greed and cruelty and stupidity, descending from void to black hole, a lifeless, pitiable thing, a blight upon human history soon enough to be understood only as the shame of less evolved apes all right cecil i got one for you roast anonymous's wife's aunt aunt janet all right hey aunt janet we didn't sign up for your weekly e-newsletter where you preach race supremacy and give us your brand muffin

recipe. There's, like, look, there's no way your race, whatever it is, possibly Hobgoblin, is coming in first, okay? You look like you just told someone your potato slop pie recipe is a secret when they were just asking what was in it so they could pretend they were allergic.

And your muffins suck. They taste like cake crumbs someone reconstituted that came out of a composter. And they have two scoops of raisins in them. Grotesque. Ridiculous. All right, let's lighten things up a little from there. Janet C. donated $666 and would like a roast of death.

And since you are certainly the closest one to that, Noah, why don't you go ahead and take this one? Oh, all right i'll have you know tom i had a vegetable last night nice push-up i did a push-up but yeah vomiting up the vegetables doesn't count as a push-up or a sit-up no we've been over it means push pop noah they are different It was an orange push pop. Fucking fruit. Hello. But yeah, death is fine. I get it. It serves a purpose, right?

Can you imagine if Jerry Lewis was still around? Ew. Jesus. And at the time of this record, we're exactly two months past Henry Kissinger's belated demise, so it's really hard to hold a grudge against death at this point. But come on, you need your own fucking font. everybody else just works with the normal rules of capitalization but you got to be all caps with the smaller font size a bunch of arrogant bullshit if you ask me and who the fuck name is their animal binky it's unbecoming all right sorry that was a little niche

but i was i liked it okay there's there's some super nerds in there who are loving that tom how about a roast of pbms or pharmacy benefit managers for kellen oh is it is it my birthday thank you kellen pharmacy benefit managers are one of those things that when you explain them out loud you're almost done roasting them one of those structures that can only exist in the dystopian economic hellscape of late-stage capitalism's unholy marriage with medicine. So here's how they work. You get health insurance. You pay a portion. If you're lucky, your employer pays a portion of that premium. Often prescriptions, unlike your teeth or your eyes, are covered within that plan. Sort of. Because increasingly, your health insurance

company farms out prescription coverage to a third party called a PBM. And what they do and how they make money is they take the list price of a medicine and then they negotiate with the insurance company

and the drug maker for a rebate or a discount. And the difference between the list price and the reduced price is their spiff on that deal. And what this does in practice is it encourages drug makers

to artificially inflate the list price of drugs because they know they're going to have to negotiate that cost down with these PBMs, which results in inflated costs for medicines for uninsured or poorly insured patients who pay the full fucking freight on these things. And it fucks over the pharmacies as well. It is a scheme so obviously designed to enrich a middleman and reduce insurance expenses with no consumer benefit at all that it boggles the mind that it is not illegal, that there is no price fixing or other laws that protect us. We are free to line the wallets of oligarchs with the blood and sweat of our toil. We are free to pay more for less than every other industrial nation in the world and then to jerk ourselves off to the myth of our exceptionalism. Remember that in any transaction, the most money is always made in the middle, and even more so when you sell what should never have been bought in the first place.

And when the revolution comes and the blood of our financial oppressors runs like a joyous redemptive river in the gutters i hope the last drops come from these sons of bitches so they have more time to cower in fear before they are slaughtered jesus christ well that's the buzzer all right i don't think there was a buzzer just now, Tom. I think you just said that. Guitar mashup thing that Ian does. So that means it's time for our high dollar lightning round. All right.

And your roasts also include what the politician is going to need to do to get reelected. You're going to do a whole roast also including this. We're going to thank Eric H., Steve P., and Nicolette H. for their $500 donations. Eric H. for his $750 donation, and Lachlan for his $1,000 donation, and for their suggestions for roasties. I'll go first with a roast of Joey Gilbert.

Joey Gilbert is a loser in every sense of the word. He was a boxer, but he was also a juiced-up cheater, so his wins are all marred by scandal since his blood tests revealed the presence of pretty much on every imaginable cheaters cocktail he's allied with the anti-vax jackassery of the america's frontline doctor fools he's an anti-masking rabbit election denier who stormed the capitol and exhorted alex jones to follow and he is a fucking loser having been ko'd in the republican primary when he ran for governor and to be honest he is the only one of the thousands of idiots with the same boring resume that actually makes sense to me since at least he after hundreds of shots to the head actually has an excuse for some of his

fucking brain damage so what can he do to get elected i don't know maybe it'll work like one of those old sitcoms where a blow to the head causes the problem and then later another one fixes it i mean maybe not but collectively we owe it to ourselves to try all right next up piboon of thailand okay so this guy was prime minister of thailand from 1948 to 1957 and his big, the big thing he did was to make Thailand great again with a strong national identity. And he focused on lunch. He used the power of the state to make Pad Thai into a big national thing. And now the biggest consumers are boring Americans who get scared by the little pepper icon next

to the drunken noodles at Thai Express. Hoon basically did the Thai version of Reagan making ketchup into the national vegetable of school lunch. Hoon is the Ronald Reagan of Thailand is what I'm saying. So I guess if he wants to get reelected, he just needs to reanimate his corpse with a bellows, start a war on drugs, do economics backwards, and then win by the biggest landslide in electoral history. It'll go great. Yikes. Yikes.

Ibrahim Raisi, president of Iran. This is for you, Eli. Okay. What does he need to do to keep being elected? I mean, just keep killing all the people who don't vote for him i mean eventually he kills everybody in iran his approval rating will go up to 100 and look if you hate this guy and wish he was out of power like so many people do uh the good news is there's a navy seal lining a scope up on his skull as we speak. Like, this might be a predictive roast is what I'm saying.

Yeah. And Noah, what does Vladimir Putin need to do to get reelected? I'll give you a hint. It's atomic number is 84 and it rhymes with felonium. But yeah, no, actually, I did a whole citation needed episode roasting this tiny little bundle of inferiority complex but if you missed that one it should suffice to say that he spent a sizable portion of his autobiography talking about how bullied he wasn't as a kid and he was small for his age and terrible at sports so you can see why nobody messed with him

i mean he's he's an intimidating figure now because every time he kills somebody, the world has to run to the periodic table to figure out what the fuck that was. But it's worth remembering that Putin got where he was because he was the most flaccid, unintimidating possible option when all the various competing factions in post-Soviet Russia were trying to settle on a single guy.

He turned the kind of fucking M2 faux toughness we revile so much in Trump to an art form. And in Ukraine, he's turned it into a foreign policy. And he got good at hockey. You see that video? It's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty good. Good for him. Good at horse riding.

And to finish this spikening round, how about you roast Mike Johnson, Cecil? Mike Johnson is going to have to have a weird purity daddy daughter dance with his entire constituency so he can let them know that he's the only one that will fuck them all right let's do some pets next we know how much heath loves this so heath why don't you start us off with a roast of chai for dan okay yeah so normally i do hate roasting dogs cats whatever but we got a picture

of chai and i've never been more certain that a dog is planning to murder its humans with a rube goldberg device right now it's true i can see it chai chai looks like stewie just staring at lois right before this picture dan clearly said something oh, who's a good girl? And Chai was like, not murder. What? I'm a good girl. Me? It looks like she's thinking, little to the left. Yeah, right.

Check out that X right there. It's that slide whistle I hear. That's crazy. Oh, that's an anvil. Okay, next up is Noah with a roast of Linus the Cat for Chris and Rebecca. Yeah, so Linus, have a seat. This is going to be hard to hear. It's not your earth. I'm sorry. I know somebody should have told you that shit earlier, but it's not, and this one's going to be even tougher. It's not even your fucking house, you greedy little

bastard. That other cat lives there as much as you do. Sure, you're big and fluffy and you got a majestic lion's mane that probably makes you think you're king in a fucking jungle. But you know what lions do? You know what lions do, bro? They go for it on fourth and three instead of just taking a goddamn field goal that could have set them up. Fucking Super Bowl. Or at least

set the game in a fucking overtime. Too soon. Too soon. You know, a fucking Super Bowl. Or given the quite high odds that chris rebecca and linus aren't football fans and have no idea what i'm talking about i'm going to give the alternative which may be even worse lions find their habitat increasingly restricted by the encroachment of humankind so just keep that shit in mind and keep your peats to yourself linus eli another dog roast this one is for wal Walter H and his dog Remus you know how all German

shepherds have a look of nobility and perfection about them how when you look at a German you really get a sense of where the wolf is with their dignity and their gait well it turns out they're all just borrowing Remus's because he looks like he's the start of an infomercial about being a dog and the infomercial is somehow also about finding your own ass it's not appreciated it's not a good luck all right cecil how about you finish this one up with a roast of people who dump senior senior senior pets oh if you dump me i will come find you in the night senior pets hey senior pets is my new incredibly problematic character and i think you guys should just fire me right now just shoot me in the back of the head right into the sun for hello fresh i just want you guys to make a living and i don't know that i can control in the back of the head before senior pets does his first ad for HelloFresh.

I just want you guys to make a living and I don't know that I can control senior pets for much longer. I should quit podcasting right now

and that would be the best I could do. I feel like we need the men in black people come with that flash thing. Just take it out of Eli's memory. You know, no, there is no senior pets.

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm going to start that whole line over again. Yeah, just start it over. That's a good idea. I have so much to write. And Cecil, how about you finish this one up with a roast of people who dump senior pets for Freyo. Okay, so. I can't hear a thing. Just went up for it with a roast of people who dump senior pets for Freya. Okay. So senior pets are the best.

Okay. I got it. Here we go. All right. You can do it. No, I can. I can do it. I can do it.

Senior pets are the best. They just want to sleep for 22 hours, get up and press their head against your chest for like three minutes and then start another full day nap. Let's get real for a second. Putting down a senior pet at the end of their life is one of the hardest things you can do.

Just being there for all the active and fun times in the pet's life and then peacing out at the end is a level of cowardice that isn't roast worthy it's genuinely grotesque you are that animal's fucking world you should act like it and if you walk away i can only hope that when you shuffle off this mortal coil that room is cold dark and very, very, very lonely. Tom's rubbing off on me. I like that.

Fuck those people. Yep. All right, how about we get back to people then? Noah, Vince would like you to roast Ian Miles Chong. Okay, so I'd never heard of this asshole before I saw this roast, and no joke, almost all of the places that came up when I Googled him were like,

your browser would need a condom to go to that website. Just don't. But from what I gather, he appears to be Andrew Tate without the charm. Jesus. Or Jordan Peterson without the intellect. What? He's a Malaysian blogger that the alt-right keeps around to make their dumbest people seem smarter in comparison.

And he's such a failure that he has to settle for writing for like the fucking Canadian Breitbart or something. I'd love to offer some more depth, but that would require engaging with his contact. And I don't have the kind of free time of those shitless layabouts like Elon Musk over there. All right, Tom, it feels like you've done this a bunch. So dust off some of that outrage you thought was on the shelf for the rest of the year. Matt L would like you to roast a lack of women's health care taken seriously. You know, maybe when it comes to women, we should just call it something else, you know, because the word care keeps popping up in there.

And yet we don't. And it was mean in terms of how we feel. I mean, systemically and intentionally, we don't give a shit. Maladies that affect women receive less funding, less research, and result in greater suffering, yet women's pain is taken less seriously, despite women actually having, on average, a higher tolerance for the same. They are, in fact, 25% less likely to be given pain meds than men. Conditions like endometriosis take an average of seven years and 10 visits to the doctor before a diagnosis is made, despite the condition affecting somewhere

around 11% of women. This is not health care. The system is not caring. The system does not, in fact, care for the 51% of the population it supposedly serves. That's most, most of the time this system is failing and we allow it. We fund it this way. And every economist will tell you that what we fund reflects what we value. And women, that just ain't it. The second most awful thing in the world is to love a woman in need of care and to be powerless in the face of that suffering. But by far the most awful thing is to need help and to be mocked, refused, belittled, to be unseen and unheard, and to know that it's not just this GP or that, but that it is the system, soup to nuts, from education to research to practice to the very technology we build in the arena. We need a new word, because if you're a woman, it isn't health

care. And I'm not a smart guy or a subtle guy, so I can only think of one solution. We need a national boycott on men in medicine. Cancel your male doctors, all of them, if possible. Flood the system with women. Make them the leaders. Fill every board seat of every hospital only with women. Exclude men for a dozen generations until something somewhere finally changes for most of us. Alright, Heath, you're up next. Chandra wants to roast us. 3, 2, 1, comedy, now!

Comedy! Senior pets! Okay! See, I was resisting making a senior pets reference so that you could cover it, but if you're not gonna cut it, there's no way I'm cutting it. It's too are you kidding me thank you okay so he wears a little hat right after tom finishes he goes so just if anyone had a hard time just really think of seeing your pets doing that

he's my new character and I really need to be taken out of God he's like a piñata he's like a piñata that's broken open so I feel like you guys did such a good job making a podcast and I'm gonna ruin it it's just

with a different name that's the worst part it's not even an original character you were saying something. All right, Heath, you're up next, bud. Chandra wants a roast of all those museums and private collectors that buy pilfered goods in the black market and then refuse to return them. Like, especially the British Museum.

Okay, the British Museum is basically the Holocaust Museum if it was run by Nazi Germany. It's terrifying. Except it's even worse because the Nazis just did the one and they're not running Germany anymore. The British Museum, it's like a slideshow from your friend's trip,

but instead of going to Club Med in Jamaica, they went to the colonization of the world for centuries. And instead of slides, it's actual things they stole from Jamaican people. And they're showing it to you all night. You can't leave. And you paid to be in there.

Fuck. All right, Eli, how about a roast of Tim Ballard for Seattle Exmo? Oh, my goodness. What can you say about Tim Ballard that doesn't cross over into someone else's deposition? that doesn't cross over into someone else's deposition. Tim Ballard lied about protecting trafficked children, sexually assaulted well-meaning volunteers, and almost certainly embezzled untold amounts of charity meant to help the victims of child rape.

But what I'll never forgive is that he got Jim Caviezel back into acting again. Have you no shame, sir? Jesus! Have you no shame, sir? Jesus! Have you no shame? All right, to finish out our single roast, Cecil, can you roast asshole 12-year-old gamer children for Jeff? Jeff, Jeff, come on, Jeff.

I know us old folks don't like getting sniped by some kid that has perfect eyesight and rock-solid hand-eye coordination. But here's the thing. Take solace in the fact that at 38 he's gonna die in the climate wars sure sure it sucks to be called a noob by a kid that probably has a fourth grade vocabulary but will be dead and they'll have to choke down a 14 year old can of little smokies and chase that with water from a toxic puddle. Jeff,

revenge is a dish best served cold. Unlike the earth, which from now until he dies, we'll have the hottest year on record. All right. To finish out each of these wonderful people gave bags of cash, five roast requests for a total of $5,000. So if you have something,

jump on in. Start with the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran sign-on for Panda. Yeah, so if you'd asked me to name the most terrifying flavors of Christianity, I feel like I'd have underestimated the Lutherans before I read up on Panda's email. You know all those Lutheran churches that are breaking away now

because of their tolerance of LGBTQ people? Well, Wells, W-E-L-S, that's the 1860s version of that, right? These are the people, this is the outgrowth of groups that thought Lutheranism was getting too damn woke in 1867. Jesus.

Wisconsin declaring its own synod is like New Jersey having a state constitution. I know technically they're allowed to do it, but it kind of gives it all so anyone can just do this vibe.

You know what I'm saying? Wells are great matchmakers. They introduced Michelle Bachman to her gay husband and they let Ron Johnson introduce us to Hunter Biden's hog. Yeah, you gave us Michelle Bachman, W-E-L-S. And until you explain what the fuck you did, she's been staring at ever since.

We're going to assume it was a war crime that you did and she sees she sees it all the time wherever she's looking it's senior pets I'm sorry he's behind whoever she's looking at shoulder just flipping her off

no one can see her but me and Al Bachman okay wait I think I can save it senior pets he's puss in boots

but he, no one can see him except for me. The Wisconsin evangelical Lutheran sign on for those times you see Missouri and think not too progressive. Yes. All right. How about working more than 40 hours a week for Tyler P. Okay.

So I had a heart attack, finished editing in a GAM episode, and then went to the hospital. I'd love to jump in on this. I don't think I'm qualified for this roast. Yeah, and in that spirit, I feel like my eventual suicide will do this roast. Tom, it feels weird to tease it here. Like keeping you tired of strategic guillotine blades are very heavy. Super heavy.

Oh, there you go. True. Okay, so I just got back from a trip to portugal as my buddy's bachelor party was a lot of fun apparently you everyone yeah apparently everyone in the country entire country portugal is impossibly attractive and happy all the time it's insane they just like they wake up they eat a custard pie and a slab of fresh ham to play a match with their professional soccer team that they're on then they dive into the ocean and grab their lunch with their bare hands and they eat that lunch for the next four hours very leisurely and then they spend the rest of the day finishing their oil painting masterpiece and smiling in the sun that follows them around like a cartoon and then uh if

it's wednesday they go to work for like 20 minutes they send an email and they're done with their work we're doing something wrong here we are we are uh my dad worked two and often three jobs and never once only put in a 40-hour work week uh then again he had a debilitating heart attack at 53 that effectively ended his career and permanently cost him his health. But I've never worked only 40 hours a week myself. But I take the advice of physicians within our capitalist system, which is to compensate for all the working by working out. I guess based on the theory that like cures like. I just realized I'm a homeopathist live on air and i have to go change my whole life

all right how about slumlords for josh slumlords have somehow taken the most predatory job in the world and made it worse right you make money from a building existing you hit the lottery right how can you find a way to be a bad guy about that it's like inefficiently disposing of your volcano lair's toxic waste all right we get it yeah all right new rule everyone who collects rent and has any outstanding repairs to make that they haven't made they have to live in that building until they fix it and also pick up the rent in person every single time and renters are allowed to put the money at the end of like a sauce scenario with like bear traps and shit right right and they get to stay in his place right like while they go like he's fixing their fucking fridge he gets there or all the

tenants in the building or whatever gets rotated out or whatever. They get to break in his place whatever's broken in that one. I like that. We can't commodify human rights.

I don't want to live in America anymore. Sorry, I forgot to emphasize the last part. I don't want to live in America anymore. Slumlords get a bad rap. That's actually all they get they should get buried alive under their buildings with a lot of quicklime at night beneath a slab no one will miss them

wink yeah there'll be some good amontiato in it for him. All right. How about the use of Karen as a pejorative for Karen S? Okay, I get it. It's got to be tough being an actual person named Karen. 2020 was called the year of the Karen because Karens were the worst thing to happen to the world in 2020. That's rough. We should really do better, though. Using Karen as a pejorative is just lazy, and there's no reason it should have to be a woman's rough. We should really do better, though. Using Karen as a pejorative is just lazy, and there's no reason it should have to be a woman's name. I'm thinking we switch it over to

Darren, at least. Like, every white guy named Darren is a horrible, horrible human being. I think we can all agree. Darren is sending back a steak because it's not extra medium right now, for sure. And by the time he leaves that restaurant, he's going to ingest some terrible stuff. I mean, terrible. But people are going to keep using Karen for a while. And I do feel for you. It's got to be tough when your name is synonymous at this point with over-entitled white woman. But just remember, it actually could be worse.

People could call you podcaster. And that happens to some people. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry to be all kids these days, but I feel like somebody's generation, and I'm not going to say whose, was like, wow, you know, we've made a lot of real and meaningful progress against sexist and ageist slurs in our language. But boy, that's made it real hard to talk about how much I hate women and don't care about old people.

And thus was born the Karen meme and the OK Boomer shit. And even if you think you know how to wield those things without deploying their inherent bigotry, you're still given permission to use them to people who don't. So find a new fucking bit

for Karen's sake. Karenaren i want to thank you for this roast because all the karens i know are lovely they help out at soup kitchens they're on their pta but hey they're chill with whatever most of you are named after your grandmother anyways and she was even lovely and while you try not to take it all personally, let's talk about the real problem, which is that people are smearing Karen's while the Ashley's room free. That's right. The dog kicking refund, demanding Ashley's are out there giving vowels a bad name.

And you're coming for the Karen, the care bears. Shame on you. Pop culture and meme autobiography. Shame. I'm sorry, the irony of a Karen publicly complaining about being a Karen is exactly what you'd expect from a Karen. Shit.

And finally, an anti-Rose compliment hug fest. We're seeing your pets. I thought he was going to do something right there. Hello, Eve. You call for me That was not fun Apologize to Karen Or die

And he has a gun A gun? Puss in Boots has a sword I'm worried about it What is I don't even know A gun? Puss in Boots has a sword. I'm worried about it. What is that? I don't even know. Eli's off on his own thing right now. Just let it be.

Yep, he is. None can follow. And none want to. You guys want to do some ads over here on Cognizant? I got some ideas for you. Let me go get changed. All right, and finally, an anti-roast compliment hug fest to close this out. Let's compliment

Margarita for AJ. AJ, looks like you rolled a natural 20 here. You don't get a lot of those in your life, so do not fuck this up. I know you're thinking about it. You're probably going to fuck it up, but try not to fuck it up. Yeah, so apparently one of her main sources of learning English

after immigrating from the Soviet Union in 1989 was was american sitcoms and her favorite was cheers so all of our other positive qualities she's also got great taste in 80s sitcoms but yeah yeah to echo ceasel's point uh she's clearly better than you uh you know there's a lot of a lot of ways to fuck this up but she seems to be tugging you along pretty good so far so keep it up all right let's see a compliment well margarita is a fellow nyu violet like myself i wonder if she knows spreadsheets also she columns and rows is she physically able to resist doing the character senior also she doesn't like mean comedy so not sure how aj is going to play this section for her really careful time stamps i'm assuming either way hi margarita you sound lovely and i'm sorry they let me into the same school that it sounds like you work really hard at i love the way you spelled school so much.

That wasn't me. That was senior pets. Yeah. Okay. Full psychotic break. I met Margarita at live show in New York. It was delightful. I'm a basic fucking Darren. So I immediately did a word association

and I was like, I enjoyed a book with that name in it. It's called The Master and Margarita. Margarita is your name. Margarita, same word. Yeah. So turns out Margarita knows that book very well. And I was terrified at that point.

She clearly had way more in-depth understanding than me. Right away, she said something super smart and over my head and i was like yep it's good fuck i like the plot of words but she was very gracious she managed to make me feel welcome for talking about a book as best i could it was a great time hanging out with her and AJ. Thank you so much for the donation. Say goodbye, Tom. Goodbye, Tom. Senior pet.

Okay, so that's going to wrap it up for this funny show episode. We hope you enjoyed Vulgarity for Charity. We want to thank, of course, Eli, Noah, and Heath for joining us today. You can catch their shows on Scathing Atheists, Godawful Movies, Skeptocrat, D&D Minus, and the sister show of theirs that

they do with us, Citation Needed. Alright, that's going to wrap it up for this week. We're going to leave you like we always do with The Skeptic's Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter, mommy issue, hypno-Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician, double bubble, toil and trouble, pseudo-quasi-alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info

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