Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 757: Hot Dog Cannon and Ball Washing

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissidence. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical.

It's political. And there is no welcome mat. Today is Monday. I think no, no Thursday. Next Thursday. Today is next Thursday, which is the third or so third or fourth. You know what day it is. Hey, check your phone.

You'll see. I'll know. You'll know what day it is. No, it's the next Thursday. For me, it's Thursday. The fucking 20th. It's still last night. All right. But, uh, but at this upcoming week, it's, you the fucking 20th. It's still last month. But this upcoming week, it's gonna be the new April.

You know what day it is. Spring is in the air. Spring is in the air. Spring is in the air. And you're gonna have to spring these kids out of jail. I love this story. This story is fucking great. It comes from ABC 13 Eyewitness News.

Parents of boy bank robbers dubbed as the little rascals turned them in. I didn't feel like that's a little too cute. I, dude, 11 year old, 12 year old, and 16 year old walk into a bank. This feels like the setup for a bad joke. If one of them was a priest and the other was a rabbi, this is, you're pulling my fucking leg. An 11, 12, and 16 year old, they go into a Wells Fargo and they rob the Wells Fargo with threats of intimidation or whatever. Basically like, I got a gun, give me the money, you know, and then their parents turn them

in. That's awesome. That's so great. You got to live with the parents are like, no, absolutely not. I read this story to Haley and I was like a hundred, we were both like a hundred percent I wouldn't turn the kids into the cops. There's a zero percent chance that I think that the American justice system is the best way to deal with this situation.

Like, there's no world where like, no. If your kids did a felony, you wouldn't turn them in? No, no. I mean, like if they hurt somebody, like a somebody, somebody, yes. If they hurt a corporation, no, no. I would not make them go to jail, which I don't really believe in,

and isn't a rehabilitative, and will just ruin their lives because like Wells Fargo had to file an insurance claim. Like I would not do that, no. I would deal with it at home. I don't know what that would even mean. My kids, I can't even imagine like it's like laughable knowing my kids, because like,

my oldest name is Finnegan Danger Curry. And he is the least dangerous person. My kids are the least dangerous people. When my teenagers, like last year, they asked permission to engage in shenanigans, and the shenanigans they wanted to engage in was to watch an R-rated movie that we got to approve. That was their teenage shenanigans.

So them robbing a bank is so, it's so like, I can't even like imagine it. My kids are like weirdly wholesome, like weirdly wholesome. But no, I, I, I have such reservations about the American justice system that like I would, I couldn't put anyone I love through it. Like only if they hurt somebody. Yeah. But if they violated some other law, I just couldn't have good conscience to it. But yeah, the fucking Little Rascals, I think it's a adorable name. They have like a tree house and no girls allowed to see and it's backwards.

No cops allowed to see. They have one dog and it's got that big spot over one eye. Big eye, yeah. One of the kids talk like this. There's so many listeners that have never heard of The Little Rascals. They don't even know what it is. Did you ever watch it? I've never actually watched it.

When I was a kid, yeah, I would come on. So on certain nights of the week, I think it was like Friday or Saturday or something, they would have a Stooges and then The Little Rascals would also play too. Because it was at the same time that all that stuff was happening, The Stooges and The Little Rascals, that sort of slapstick, unfunny comedy was happening, the Stooges and the Little Rascals, that sort of slapstick, unfunny comedy. You were a Stooges guy, right? Did you like the Stooges? No, not really.

For some reason I thought you were a Three Stooges fan. I know of them, and I think I watched them quite a bit as a kid, but I'll be real honest, I don't know that I ever in my life have ever laughed, even as a kid at the three stooges. Me either. I remember being on, it was one of those shows that was on in reruns at certain times of day, like you say. And I remember being like at babysitter's houses and stuff, and they would have it on and being like, I don't get this. This is nothing to me. All it is is just people falling down and getting a pie in their face and poking each other and pulling on each other's hair

and smacking them. And it always felt so violent to me. It feels like black and white pro wrestling on the street. It always felt so, even as a little kid, I would watch them poke each other's in the eye and I would think, what are you doing? That's getting damaged your core. I know, right?

What are you doing? And they're also supposed to be friends who are constantly hitting themselves with like planks of wood and shit and I'm just like... Throwing water on each other. I don't know. I can't. Somebody sits on a tack and then slams their head through a two by four.

Do you know what it was? Oh my God, I just realized it. This was old timey jackass. Yeah, I guess so. This was like jackass for like the old timey age. I'm sure there's somebody out there who will say, oh, what you're missing is the nuance, but I don't know what new ones could be there. Noah, don't write me your fucking thing. I know I know who likes all that old I just I just never thought it was all that funny because it was when I was a kid

I just thought you were right. There's nothing Funny about it's it's very similar to me when I watch that America's favorite nut shot show where somebody gets punched. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's the it's the home video show but every third segment is Let's watch all these guys get hammered in the nuts And then every single one I'm just slowly trying to press my legs closer and closer together and none of it's funny The poor guys just stand there and some guys takes a golf swing a little too over zealously right and he smacked the wrong ball on the ground writhing in pain and you think why is this fun what is happening what is happening I know America's funniest home videos I remember when that show first came out and I was a

little kid and I laughed until I cried watching it because it was like pets doing antics and people getting like a ball in the face or balls in the balls. And then like by like episode three as a kid, I was like, nah, I'm good. Like my dad would be like, you want to watch it? Like, nah, my dad watched that show incessantly. My dad liked it too. My dad liked it too. My dad would watch that show.

He thought it was the best thing ever. I, well, my dad's favorite show was cops. Okay. So, you know, he really likes the, he really likes I, well, my dad's favorite show was Cops. Okay. So, you know. He really likes the, he really likes these kind of. He likes like the camera. He likes shaky cam, I think. I think that's really it.

He likes shaky cam. Yeah. My dad watched Cops, watched the shit on Cops too. Watched the hell out of it. There's a new one that's live. Excuse me? It's live. So it's live on television and then they just have live shit happening on...

There's a new one. I've never seen it. I've just seen clips of it, but it's actually live live. How do they get permission, I wonder, from people? I don't know how that happens. That's crazy. Yeah, I mean, you don't need permission from people to do live broadcasts on television. No, I guess that's true. I just don't know how they would... I think if you're on just live television, it's just, that's your tough luck.

That's it. Well, yeah, like that seems like the most boring thing ever to watch. Like watching cop sitting around and fucking Duncan. Do you know? Right. Looking, but going to 7-Eleven and looking through the mints for which one he wants. How boring is that? Do you know how fast you were going to TV show?

Are you kidding me? How boring would it be to watch it if it was just, if all it was was just people getting pulled over for Barry Mundane. That's like most of what like, cough ticket things. They just harass people for like, driving too fast. You rolled through a stop sign and now you're on live television. Right? They show up with this camera like, okay,

can I have your driver's license and insurance? And you're like fumbling like, oh, your insurance card's expired, hang on a minute. Oh gosh. I'm on TV. I'm gonna go to jail. You're gonna put me in the cell like some little rascals. I'm sorry.

Doesn't that create an incentive though to make exciting things happen? I think probably what happens is is they go in big enough cities where they can hear the scanner and if you're sort of centralized maybe you can get to the thing. That's my thought is that they probably just do like, okay, now we're doing camera three, now we'll do camera seven. Now somebody somewhere has something going on and they can always send those people very specifically to calls that are. No, that makes sense. That makes sense. This is only in America.

This is the most American story. This is in the Miami New Times. South Florida mom arrested after gun found in kids lunchbox at daycare. Let me read this whole story guys. I just want to point out that this is the America Republicans want. This is some parents may pack a toy or a little note in a child's lunchbox wish him well to wish them well During their day at school one Palm Beach County mom allegedly left a less wholesome surprise on March 14th Police arrested Shanae Davis after a Glock 43 handgun was discovered in her child's lunchbox at

Jackson's daycare Riviera Beach according to the police report a teacher screamed gun According to the police report, a teacher screamed, gun! Upon her. Ha ha ha ha ha. And guys, again, this is daycare. This isn't like elementary school. This is daycare. Like these aren't trained teachers a lot of times.

These are just people that just go to work at the daycare. You know? Wow. This is not like the, this isn't junior high or high school or the elementary school. You were, you're going to be a teacher for a while, could you? Yeah. This is not like the, this isn't junior high or high school or the elementary school. You're going to be a teacher for a while. Could you?

Yeah. Did they ever talk about any kind of school shooting stuff when you were doing teacher stuff? No, because I'm old. And so, no, I graduated college in 2000. There was school shootings going on when you were training. Yeah. But they wasn't, it was like, I think everybody kind of thought after Columbine that that

was the big one. There wasn't like a real big address it kind of need at the time. Yeah, now schools had just started kind of being locked during the day. I do remember that. I mean, I do remember like, cause before that most schools weren't locked.

My school was locked during the day. Was it when you were in school? When I went to high school. If you left, you couldn't get back in. If you leave through any door, you can't get back in. You have to go through the front door, and we had a police officer. Okay. So when I went to school, my school doors were not locked during the day. Oh yeah, all the doors were locked.

And it wasn't because they thought it danger, they just wanted to give the kid a detention. That's the only reason. Because if you would have left the doors open at my school, there would have been kids coming in and out all the time because there was a bunch of bad kids that went there. So they had to have them funnel through one door. And that was before the time of pagers or anything. So you couldn't actually page somebody to get in

to the school. So like, hey, let me in, I'm at the east door. Hey, I'm at the east door, let me in. That's a different story now, I'm sure, than it was back then. But back when I went to school That's not a thing that happened you had to go if you wanted to get back in school And I did it several times when I went to go smoke a cigarette

Right walk out by the rock or something by the door back in they'd be like why are you outside? I'd be like I forgot something in my car I had to go out to my car, and they'd let you back in and they'd be like go to the office And then I wouldn't go to the office like Yeah, I'm gonna go to the office and then I wouldn't go to the office. I go right to the office. Sure. Okay. Sure. I go to the office. I'll take an extra three minutes in the hallway. But I was the funny thing was I was 18. So I was a year behind and I was 18. I was a stupid kid. I was a year behind and I was 18 when I was in my senior year. So I was allowed to smoke. Like you can't bust me for smoking outside.

Right. You can give me at whatever detention or whatever because I'm smoking on school property, but they couldn't like it wasn't like illegal. It wasn't like illegal. It was illegal for me to smoke. I literally could smoke anywhere in the United States at the time.

And back then you could smoke on an airplane. Right. Yeah, that's true. Everybody was smoking everywhere. You could smoke like in airplane. Right, back then like, yeah, that's true. Like everybody was smoking everywhere. You could smoke like in a surgical suite. Exactly, he'd be like forceps, drag out a cigarette. Forceps, drag out a cigarette. I mean, Haley used to tell me like the stories

where she would smoke, she went to a Catholic school, so it wasn't public, it was private school, and she would smoke and the teachers would come out and smoke with the kids. They just had a smoking section. Smoking section, true. You know, and like the kids would go out and smoke and the teachers would go out and smoke. the kids. They just had a smoking section. Smoking section. And the kids would go out and smoke and the teachers would go out and smoke.

I smoked outside of the doors all the time. I would walk out to the doors and I would put a little thing in there and then I would just sit outside and smoke outside and then go back into class. I'd do that all the time. Yeah, that's like the world is so different now. Can you even imagine something like that happen?

Smoking in general has become not a thing that I think a lot of people do. I think it has, I mean, I'm sure there are plenty, there might even be smokers who listen. Yeah. But I think if you were to take that temperature now versus when we started. Yeah, it's very rare now. Probably a huge difference in smokers. Probably, I would imagine there's a ton of people who listen to this show who quit smoking. Oh, I'm sure.

Smoking was massively popular in our age bracket. In our age bracket it was huge. Massively popular. Smoking was huge. I knew of people who listen to this show who quit smoking. Oh, I'm sure. Smoking was massively popular in our age bracket. In our age bracket it was huge. Massively popular. Smoking was huge. I knew several people who smoked. I also, weirdly, had a friend crew that was kind of split down the middle. There was three or four of us who smoked and three or four people who never smoked. Yeah.

I've never had a cigarette. I've never tasted one. I smoked for about 10 years. Yeah. And then I quit. I quit cold turkey. But I smoked. I was up to about two packs a day when I quit. That's a lot. Yeah smoking two packs a day I was working at a I was working at a Plumbing warehouse and when you work in a warehouse and you could go outside it couldn't smoke inside

But if I were to go pull Soup with like sewage pipe that was like heavy cast iron pipe in the plumbing supply warehouse They kept outside if I had to go pull, as soon as I walk out the door, I'd light a cigarette, I'd be out there, I'd be plucking all the stuff, putting it into the thing that I, the cart that I had, and then when I'd walk in, I'd throw the cigarette away. Now going through cigarettes probably faster than normal because I'm, you know, going in and out of the warehouse, but I smoked about two packs a day when I finally quit. God, can you imagine what that would cost now? Yeah, probably. Yeah, it's like a mortgage. Yeah, no kidding, right? You'd own packs a day when I finally quit. Can you imagine what that would cost now? Yeah, probably. It's like a mortgage.

Yeah, no kidding, right? You'd own a car for that. Jesus Christ. Two packs a day? I think they're up to $10 a pack. That's 20 bucks a day. That's a lot of dough, man. You're looking at $140 a week.

Yeah, that's a lot of money. $280, $560 a month. That's a car payment. It's a car payment. Yeah, that's a lot of money, man. All right, so this lady, according to the police report, a teacher payment. Yeah, that's a lot of money, man All right So this lady according to the police reported teachers scream gun but entering opening the lunch box that morning promoting a co-worker to run over After questioning whether it was a toy staff took a closer look and realized the gun was indeed real At which point they called the police. I figured it out Tom

The reason why they don't want it they don't want kids to get free lunch They want to take that away so that moms can put the gun in and take that right. That's why the Republicans Take away their lunches away the free lunch program, right? So everybody has to bring a gun from home. They're pretty You know brown gun it Davis told officers that she routinely leaves her gun inside her car's glove compartment But after a string of break-ins at her West Palm Beach apartment complex, she had been taking her pistol out of her car She said that on the morning of March the 14th, she placed the weapon in her child's lunch box because she's not carrying a purse and didn't want it out in the open. The report said, for fuck's sake, lady, this is like, look, you couldn't think of a better place

to put a fucking pistol than your kid's lunchbox? Maybe during a panic situation, the gun winds up in your kid's underwear drawer. But you gotta get the gun out of there. It would be the only thing I could think about. Right? Seriously. I would be sweating. I'd be looking at my kid the whole time

and looking at where I fucking knew that gun. I would be in a fucking red panic if I had a gun in the wrong place. Like I own guns. Yeah. My guns are always, I never am like, I wonder where my gun is. Yeah.

That is a crazy thing to imagine. I always 100% of the time know where my gun is. It also makes me wonder too, if you have a concealed carry, you can conceal it. But it doesn't sound like this person has a concealed carry. So they didn't really know what to do to get the gun to places. And they had to put it, they didn't have their purse,

they're just like, give me your lunchbox. Throws the sandwich, sticks the gun in there. Also, her prior plan for the gun was, that's just in my glove box all the time? It feels like a bad place for a gun. What is even happening, lady? What is even happening? You're just like, yeah, I just always keep a gun

in my glove box, but then, like, I live in such a neighborhood that I need a gun to protect myself. But also, I live in that same neighborhood where people are gonna steal my gun from, man, this all feels like- It feels like a lot. I also, too, I wonder if the kid, when he opens his thermos, if he catches a bullet, it's like a magazine in the thermos. I thought it would be a neutral bullet.

You just press the button, you press the top and it actually explodes. According to the Riviera beach police, Davis admitted she forgot to remove the gun from the lunchbox and later received a phone call from the daycare telling her to come to the school immediately. And although the police say the daycare center owner didn't want to press charges, the 39 year old is arrested on account of child neglect allowing minor to obtain a firearm and take it to school. Because of course, what do you mean you don't want to press charges? What do you, what is happening mean you don't want to press charges? What do you, what is happening?

You don't want to press charges. You're at that daycare and your kids at that daycare and the daycare guy doesn't want to press charges because of that. You need to move to a different thank you. What would they charge us for? Never ever go back. Right? Yeah.

Can you imagine if the daycare center worker didn't open the lunchbox and the kid did? Because like I never had somebody else open my fucking lunchbox. I bet it was just because this was a particularly little kid that somebody had to open the lunchbox for this kid, right? Why else would the daycare worker open the lunchbox? So what almost happened was a kid in a daycare center shot somebody in the daycare center. Yeah. There's, there's been stories recently of, of little kids shooting parents.

I've saw a couple of those recently. That happens. That happens. It happens kind of a lot. It's not like a non-zero thing that happens in America. Like that's something that happens in America, you know, on occasion, alarming regularity. someone will be like, oh yeah, I left my gun out and my three year old

shot my dog and then me. Yeah. It happens like without, that's not a strange story. People get weirdly comfortable around their guns. Like guns should always make you, I don't care how many years you've had guns in your lives, a gun should be something that you're never comfortable with. Not in this sort of casual, comfortable way, right?

When I say comfortable, I mean, not in that casual, forget about it, where are my car keys kind of a way. A gun should be something that you are always hyper-vigilant about constantly. And if you are the kind of person who can't maintain hyper-vigilance around your gun, you should be like, well, I guess I don't get to have a gun. You should treat your gun like a hand grenade. Yeah, man. With the pin in it. That's how you should always treat it.

Because if you gave me a hand grenade, I would be constantly looking at it and then constantly looking over to make sure the pin didn't just pop out on its own. If you had a live hand grenade, would this ever be a question that you'd be like, I don't know. Hey dude, where's your hand grenade? In my kid's lunch box. In my kid's lunch box. In the lunch box.

I thought it was a pineapple. I thought it was one of those gushers I bit into it and exploded. It's right next to the fucking Nutri bullets. Guys, fucking America. Dude, it's fucking so America. This story comes from the CBC. Parents file $1.5 million lawsuit after Quebec teacher accused of selling students artwork online.

Oh man, they won't even hang this shit at home on the fridge and they're gonna charge them a million bucks for it. So the assignment is actually this is fucking brilliant. The assignment was like draw a creepy portrait. And so these kids drew these creepy weird kid portraits full of color. And they just look like kid drawings. They're bad. They look like bad kid drawings. Right. So but they kind of have an aesthetic to them. I can kind of understand sure kind of have an aesthetic to them. And the teacher. understand. Sure. Kind of have an aesthetic to him. And the teacher recognized it. Like a Basquiat-esque sort of thing going on. Yeah. Right. So like

the teacher recognized like, oh, I think there's something here. And he fucking monetized it. He put this shit on the website and he started churning out merch. You could get like t-shirts and fucking coffee mugs, all kinds of like fucking mouse pads. It's fucking zazzle of stolen kid art Why don't you just call it mid journey? Why wouldn't you just have mid journey do this for you? Yeah to be honest Yeah, right. Why wouldn't you take ten pictures of this art and say hey dolly or mid journey or whatever? Use this as your inspiration to create

75 shitty kids self portraits. And then you wouldn't be stealing anybody else's work, but you could still get the sort of aesthetic, the natural aesthetic you were going for. And then the world is a worse place because AI exists. You're going to get so much mail because you said you wouldn't be stealing anyone's work. I know that every... Look, guys. You're going to get mail for that.

I'm sorry. Never misunderstand Tom here. AI should all be burned. We should walk over to every AI server, unplug it, and burn the building down. It's all theft. You can't do that now because it's kind of... It's all theft. You can't do that. You're not allowed.

I agree. It's all theft. Every bit of it. It's trained on theft. It's built on theft. Theft is at the foundation and root and core of all AI. So I don't need your email. I'm right there with you. Arm in arm, like we're brothers in arms here. And it's theft when you look at the way things are written,

it's stealing turns of phrase and stealing things like that. And then it's also, you know, it's using things that are very similar if not completely plagiarized sometimes. So when it comes to visual art. Yes, right. So when I say it wasn't so, I mean, directly, like in a one to one. I'm just trying to get you as much mail as possible.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm looking out for you always. I'm trying to get you as much. You've always got my back, brother. Always got my back. Yikes. The worst kind of back to have. This story comes from Fox News. Lego instructs California Police Department

to stop using Lego heads to mask identities of suspects. So I gotta show a picture of this on our page. They take, so if you're not watching this, what they do is they take people's, anybody who's been captured or is getting photographed at this point for crime or in a lineup, and then they just take their heads

and they give them Lego heads, those little like yellow heads with the little dot on the top. And they have like a little Lego head that they put in front of them. And then they, so they don't have to show their identity. And it's a law that they're not allowed to post these people's identities.

So they've been using these Lego heads. Well, Lego is just says, what the fuck? You're basically criminalizing our brand. And this is one of the few times that somebody can actually get the cops to stop doing something if they're doing something wrong. I know. And like, you guys, here's the thing.

I totally get that this absolutely dehumanizes. I want to just acknowledge this so I don't get more mail. I get the problem, right? I get that this absolutely dehumanizes very human people caught up in a violently retributive justice system. So I don't need your email about it. But the pictures are hilarious. I can't pretend that they're not.

They're fucking funny. They are like, they're horrible. We shouldn't exist. Yes 100% They're really fucking funny. I can't help it There's the part of me that looks at the picture of the guy with his hands up They put a goofy fucking Lego head on it. Oh, and I'm like, that's fucking funny. It's funny But also at the same time just like you know, you're stealing shit and you are my brand Yeah, you have no rights to make it well not to do not that you have no right, but you're also ruining the brand. You're making the brand say this is related to criminality.

Right. Like that's a shitty thing to do. It totally is. And it's a kid's product. Yeah. Like there's a lot of things that are wrong with them. Every single thing is wrong with this. And I still can't help but laugh at the pictures. It's one of those things where I'm like, God, I fucking object to that on like seven levels. But the picture is fucking funny. The thing is, is that their social media people are that smart. It's smart and funny. It is a funny thing to do. But at the same time, the moment they got caught, it's like, well,

bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do? Well, I, you know, the police did say something. Scroll down, because I want to read what they said. Because the police were like, yeah, okay, we'll stop, right? All right. So here's what the police said. The Lego groups reached out to us respectfully asked us to refrain from using their intellectual property in our social media content, which of course we understand and will comply with. We are currently exploring other methods to continue publishing our content in a way that is engaging and interesting to our followers. And that struck me as fucking gross. You're the police. You don't need to have a social media page. What do you need followers for?

What the fuck are you advertising? Being arrested? I don't want to see your lips syncing or TikTok dancing. I don't want to see any of that. This is a really, really weird space, right? Why the fuck do the cops need to have a fucking Facebook page or an

Instagram or fucking TikTok? Why do they need to have a fucking Facebook page or an Instagram or fucking TikTok? Why do they need to have funny shit that people are like, oh, that is so funny when the cops bust the baddie. Like, stop. This is serious business. Right? Like, there's actually for somebody being arrested, probably no more serious thing that can happen in their life.

But I think what's happening, the reason why this is so easy for us to palette though is because of we dehumanize them through the justice system. So for us, if you dehumanize somebody who goes through the justice system, then they're easier to exploit in any way, whether that's through violence or through social media or other means to make them a laughing stock, to make them a bad. I mean, think of how tough it is for someone who's a felon to turn their life around. Yeah. Think about how that uphill, I mean, I don't think, I think that you'll never be whole.

No, you'll never be just the same. Yeah. And I think that that's what I think. I think it's just the way the system is designed. It's to make those people lesser. And if they happen to be comic relief sometimes or things that get beat other times, it doesn't matter to us. Well, and I mean, I know this is the funny show,

but like also, like I'm saying like, what do you need it for? But I know what you need it for. This is advertising. So the public will back more funding of police. Sure, sure. Right? It's the same reason that they have the pictures

with the big drug bust full of, you know, like kilos and kilos of drugs and stacks and stacks of cash and big piles of guns on the table. That stuff isn't so they can just like thump their chest. It's what the public says. Yes. Next time there's a referendum on by the cops tank. Yeah. That's what that shit's for. And I know that. And the other thing that's crazy too is you're talking about this social media stuff, but there was a block party nearby and I got CC'd because the area that I live in is a neighborhood and that neighborhood will get the CC'd in on these things. And there was a block party

that was going to be happening. And they said, we're going to have the SWAT team come by for the kids. And I thought, what the fuck does the SWAT team need to come by? But the kids were going to go hang out and the SWAT team was going to up and they were gonna look at their big car And their guns and their shit and that was that was one of the attractions Yeah, was that they were gonna bring like a drug bust outfit to my subdivision To have a party with like a fucking bounce house and a SWAT team Man, it doesn't feel much different though than like having a military parade Right, like it like when we glorify it guy was trying we're doing a bad job of the funny show

But like when we glorify like the this these systems of violence We're normalizing it so everyone's like yeah, that's what's cool. Sure. It's cool to have it's like that like Call-of-duty ask recruiting poster for the police that we covered a few weeks ago. It's all the same shit. It's all the same shit. This story is from AP News. The Philadelphia Phillies are scrapping the $1 hot dog night following unruly fan behavior. I want to just show this machine. This machine shoots hot dogs into the audience.

So this big hot dog shoots littler hot dogs out of its little pinpoint on the end of its frame. It's totally jaculat-y. And it shoots a fucking hot dog like a fucking t-shirt cannon out into the fucking audience. And I cannot get enough of this. I think it is the greatest invention in humankind. I was gonna ask you,

what is the dollar amount you would pay to shoot that cannon into the like if you could be the fucking Philadelphia Philly thing or whatever that for a day and shoot that fucking hot dog cannon at people if you could do this for one game I'll tell you man I would give a lot I don't know what I would go into my 401k I would I would dig in I would dig I would maybe do a second mortgage. Yeah, I take a home equity. Be a lot of money, I think is what you do. Because I would shoot a hot dog cannon. Amazing. Well, one of the things that they're talking about in this,

and it's a really interesting concept, is that when it's dollar dogs, people throw them sometimes back. They just like hurl them everywhere. There's a food fight video. A food fight in Philly with fucking dollar dogs. But, but if they charge two for five, they've noticed that people are too stingy with their money to throw full hot dogs.

So they don't have flying pork pieces and rungs flying through the air when it's two for five, but when it's one for one dollar, you gotta watch out and they could bean somebody in the outfield with a hot dog, Tom. All I want in my life now is to go to one of these games. I wish they, if I knew that this was happening, I'd have been on an airplane being like, I'm going to hot dog night at the fucking Phillies baseball thing. I don't even know what their team is. I don't care. You said it already. Is it the Phillies? The Philadelphia

Phillies. Oh, okay. Yeah. I would go watch the Phillies play baseball and I would not give a shit. I just want to be in a hot dog food fight. I'd bring like $200, man. I would be loaded up. That fucking hot dog person would come by, I'd be like, I'll take the whole tray. Bring me the whole tray of hot dogs. How fucking amazing would it be to be in the audience and you're having a food fight. And then they wheel this thing out to calm the crowd down

and they're shooting dogs into the fucking audience. You catch a wiener to the face. Like it's spring break time. Like it's spring break time! Like it's spring break time! All I think is that like, that GIF of the girl with like a fucking like 30 hot dogs in her face at once. 30 hot dogs in her face all at the same time.

Oh, this is fucking so good. It's so good. The idea that somebody has a pork shooting cannon is so funny to me and so amazing. And the fact that it looks like a fucking hot dog. Is there a video of it being shot? Now we gotta look it up. I gotta look it up.

I love the, you guys, the resignation of like, now we have to pause the whole thing and look this up. I love it. Philly's hot dog shooter. There it is. All right, here we go. Hot dog cannon. We're gonna watch it here guys Hot dog shot from a cannon

So here we go, so if you're not watching this there's a Philadelphia Phillies has When he brought down the fishing nets and he was Look at that hot dog go! Look at that hot dog go! That thing really went far man! God damn! He got some fucking air on that frankfurter! I'm not kidding when I say that that thing had to go 200 feet in the air. Easy! Easy! Oh my god, Tom.

Now I want it even more. That thing is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Cecil, Cecil, Cecil, Cecil. Are they going to retire it because they're not doing Hot Dog Night anymore? No, they're still doing Hot Dog Night. It just happens to be, it's now... Now it's not Dollar Night. Yeah, but it's not Hot Dog Dollar Night.

It's like Bogot or whatever. 250 a hot dog. God damn it. Two for five. Let's see if that other one, let's see if it's actually shooting hot dogs in the audience let's see there's one where fan was injured by it okay here we go Now watch this, the pig. He's shooting a pig. Oh, shot the pig with a dog.

How great is that? He got hot dogged. There's a person in a pig outfit that just shot. Point blank range. I haven't seen a baseball game in. Oh my God. Since before my mom died. This is a long time ago.

It's been a long time since I saw baseball. My mom liked baseball. So I would watch it when my mom was over. Oh, that's nice. Because she just liked baseball. So we'd just sit and like- Sit and watch the game. To be honest, baseball's one of those excellent sports

to just have on in the background and just have a conversation. Cause there's so little that happens a lot. Right. And there's plenty of time to pause. Unlike other sports sports like basketball, is stuff that's happening the whole time. You gotta watch it.

And the same thing with football. You know, you get a couple of seconds in between, 25 or 30 seconds in between plays. Most of the time that's showing something else that happened the previous play. And then there's something else that happens. With baseball, these dudes are out there just fucking scratching their balls and walking back and forth.

They have made strides to make it faster. To make it quicker game? Quicker games because people were just walking away from the plate and they're... Well, who's got that kind of time commitment? Man, I'll tell you though, back in the day when it was, you know, one of the, was the biggest sport in America, they'd have these day games and you'd go out and they'd spend all, you'd spend all day there. Cause it's four hours long.

I've had to go to like corporate things at the minor league games before. Those are the worst. Minor league games are the worst because every single thing that happens is sponsored. Everything dude, everything. This is the Bill Jacobs pitch of the game. And you think this is the second pitch of the game.

And they like drive a fucking car out on the field and they have like, now we've got to have the Bill Jacobs dancers. So when they come out and see their dance, and then they do flips and then they leave and then they throw another pitch and now it's Bill Jacobs television sets. And then they throw a tell, they have a television shoot shooter. They shoot one in the audience and then somebody does a flip and then they throw another pitch. It's insanity. It's insanity.

It's insane. And the game takes seven years. They play one game every seven years. It takes, and the plays are not good. They're like, the players aren't good players. You're used to watching professional baseball. These are less than professional baseball. It's the worst.

I had the worst time there. I went with my wife and we thought, oh, it'll be fun, you know, we'll be at one of these places. It started out like that. And there was about maybe fourth pitch in, a whole group of people come in and they're all like 16 kids.

Jesus Christ. And maybe four or five adults, right? That's not a good ratio. The 16 kids all sit in front of Sarah and I. And then all the adults go, okay, we're gonna be six rows in front of you, you kids be good. What, what?

And then they just left their kids. And weren't the kids good? We left the third inning. Okay, so not so much. The kids were just freaking out there, standing on the chairs, they're screaming, they're like fighting with each other. I was like.

This is awesome. There's a reason I'm this, I have a vasectomy. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go somewhere else with go somewhere else I'm gonna go get another vasectomy actually this is convinced me to get a second one. That's the worst dude people who treat their kids like that or just like drop them off get the fuck out of here you shat them out you take care of them yeah the fuck is wrong with you especially when they're in like fucking like the dozens like that you know you know they're not gonna be good no they're all ramped up they're're all excited and shit. Like you got to be there yelling at them. You got to ride

them. Shoot them out of that can. There's 16. That ratio is no good. It's a four to one adult. No, that ratio is bad. This story comes from LBC. This is a British thing. Kids left in tears and police called over shambolic Willy Wonka inspired events. You have to read this. After parents forked out 35 pounds per ticket, guys. So I'm gonna show pictures of this.

This is. The pictures, they look so sad. It's so sad. So the pictures are of a big space and the pictures, I can't really zoom in exactly on them, but you can see they said it was when we read it They're gonna talk about how amazing this this production was supposed to be and instead What it is is just a big open space where someone put a couple of like sheets on the wall with something colorful

See stills not exaggerating imagine an empty warehouse for real an empty warehouse and then in an empty warehouse, for real, an empty warehouse, and then tacked on the wall so it's not even straight, like not even straight across, is like a sheet mural next to another sheet mural, next to another sheet mural, and then that's the whole wall. That's it. That's it. There's nothing, there's like a card table?

There's, so there's a card table here. I'm gonna show you a card table with drinks on it, half-filled drinks. Like 14 little like like Clear plastic cups half filled and then they showed where the kids could sit and there's one little bounce house far away in the corner And a couple of places where kids could sit now time You got to read how this was how this was marketed because this reminds me of a citation needed episode a Christmas episode that we did In Britain about a Christmas thing

that was overbilled. And then when people showed up, it was just like a fucking mud pit. Like Santa got into a fight with an elf and it's like fucking crazy. The $35 event ticket, $35 a ticket event promised a chocolate fantasy like never before and a day where dreams come to life.

But the reality was a nightmare. That's great writing. Organizer House of Illuminati put together the event at the Box Hub in Glasgow and saw hundreds of families purchase tickets. Well, the Illuminati can't be trusted. I would say it's better off in Glasgow than in Edinburgh because those people in Edinburgh tear you apart.

But man, well, the people in Glasgow are used to being disappointed. They wake up in Glasgow are used to being disappointed. They wake up in Glasgow. Actually like that city quite a bit. Glasgow. I did too. I like that city. But many would expect it a sweet Roald Dahl inspired event were left furious describing

the experience as a waste of money. Stuart Sinclair, 29, who traveled two hours from Dundee with his three children to the event described as an absolute shambles of an event. He told the Courier newspaper quote, there was a guy wandering. He took his three children two hours and they got to drive two hours home. Oh God. Can you imagine you got four hours in the car with three kids. I can't imagine four hours in a car with three kids.

And you put them through this. This is what you get out. This is. Yeah. He told the Courier newspaper quote, there was a guy wandering around, apparently dressed as Willy Wonka, but he didn't seem interested.

He then got inside and there were a couple of props and a plastic chocolate thing. And in the next room, they had test tubes of jelly babies. And I said to the kids, at least they would get a bag of sweets, but they gave him one single sweet each. What? Oh man, I'd be flipping a table. Oh my god. One parent wrote on Facebook

quote my wee girls ate. She was devastated. Said it was the worst day ever in her life. And she had a wee cry as we made our way to the nearest bus stop to travel back into the city center. She had a wee cry. Well, another said, absolutely shocking. Especially after standing for 30 minutes to get in, chocolate experience with no chocolate in the building. Oh my gosh. The event website, Willie's Chocolate Experience, boasted of an enchanted garden full of giant sweets,

vibrant blooms, mysterious looking sculptures and magical surprises. That sounds like a box of cereal. It sounds like somebody's describing lucky charms to me right now. I'll tell you what, if that were real, that would be the greatest place I've ever been. It would be fun. You know, like there are places, some of these places in Chicago even,

where they have, you know, the surreal sort of places where you go in and it's sort of surreal. They had a couple places that I visited in the past. Yeah, like the immersive art experiences. Where it's an art, yeah, where you're staying. Those are great of surreal. They had a couple of places that I visited in the past. Yeah, like the immersive art experiences. Where it's an art, yeah, where you're staying. Those are great. That's a fun thing to do.

And this isn't, you know, in nowadays, when you can get some of these stuff sort of mass produced, like this sort of decoration stuff, it shouldn't be that hard. No, it shouldn't. And like you can get a lot of this shit done with like projectors. To like create really cool, big, large effects.

And candy's fucking cheap, man. Candy is super fucking cheap to make kids happy candy. Not like candy I want to eat, but like kid happy candy. Oh man, easy. Easy and cheap. So it also promised the performances, it also promised live performances and an immersive adventure for attendees, including a Twilight tunnel and an imagination lab where, quote, the boundaries between reality and fantasy harmoniously merge. The thing is, is that when you look at this picture, this just means your fantasy sucks. It's a fucking concrete floor with concrete walls and like garage doors and like an overhead,

like industrial heater, a handful of like prop up tables, chairs and a single sad bounce house. And like one test tube full of sweets. Oh my God. And I love that the organizer, the organizer sent a Facebook quote on a post on Saturday. Today has been a very stressful and frustrating day for many. And for that we are truly sorry. Unfortunately, last minute we were let down in many. And for that, we are truly sorry. Unfortunately, last minute,

we were let down in many areas of our events and we tried our best to continue on and push through. And we now realize we probably should have canceled first thing in the morning instead. We apologize and given refunds to everybody, blah, blah, blah. Like, how do you see so, so you've worked restaurants, you've worked retail, you've worked other jobs.

There's a moment where you're like, okay, are we ready to open? So the organizer had to have looked around. Maybe they had a whole bunch of their shit canceled. Maybe they had a bunch of their suppliers and other people are supposed to come bring their stuff. It all got canceled. But there's still a moment where it's like 8.58

and you look around and you've got a fucking empty warehouse, and you don't have any candy, and you have a bunch of prop tables set up. And you have one sad guy in a Willy Wonka. One guy in a Willy Wonka. Everybody else called in sick. You got one Willy Wonka. And you gotta be like, we're not opening these doors.

I also, too, feel very much for performers who have to do this stuff stuff who show up to a place they get hired for something like this. Could you imagine being how mortified you'd be as the performer at a place like this? Well no wonder the guy wasn't excited. I would be fucking embarrassed. I would be driving away still dressed as Willy Wonka in my car. I'd be as embarrassed just yeah.

I'd be like well I'm going to get some chocolate for myself. I'm just going to eat a chocolate bar every 30 seconds for the rest of the day. Until I feel better. Drown my sorrows in fucking Hershey's syrup. That's just so sad. Are you kidding me? It's so sad. It was the saddest pictures I've seen.

As soon as I saw it, I was like, aw. There's nothing there. I was like, help for those little kids. It sucks. I would be beside myself if I was a little kid. And you get all ramped up. Do you remember how excited you got as a kid? Things got built up in your mind when you were a kid

in a way that they don't do it at all. This last year, our buddy has a young daughter. And our buddy, his wife and their young daughter, and my wife and I went to a local place nearby that's like a pumpkin farm. It's got apple picking. And then it also has a corn maze and some rides that kids can go on, slides and shit. It was, I'm not kidding.

It's beautiful. It's a cool little park, and they do a good job of putting stuff on. But none of it as an adult is even remotely interesting. The slide is, you walk over to this big slide, you sort of go up the hill and then it's almost like one of those carnival slides that you go down where there's a hump and then you use the sack and you get down. The kid literally couldn't get enough. Kids are easy, right? Kids are easy. The kid wanted to play on a

big sort of playground type thing that had some monkey bars and some other stuff where a bunch of kids were playing. The kids were having literally the time of their life on this thing, right? And it is just a fucking jungle gym. There's nothing, I mean, there's nothing special about it. Right. Kids are easy to entertain. This is such a flop in that case because kids are pretty easy to get excited about stuff like this.

All they had to do, the organizers, when they realized that all their other dreams fell through, I'd have been like, okay, we didn't pay those other suppliers, right? They didn't show up with my whimsy and magic or whatever. We're going to fill this place full of candy. This place is, we're going to go out, we're going to fill this place full of candy. What I would do is I would say, cool, you know what we're gonna do is we're gonna get a bunch of kiddie pulls and I'm just gonna pour fucking chocolate bars in them. Yeah, there you go!

And then the kids could just dive around in chocolate bars, eat them, get sick, go to the bathroom in there, whatever kids do. All of the above. All of the above. Goddamn. I worked at a Burger King back in the 90s that had one of those like play places in it, including like the ball pit. Do you remember that? Like, man, I worked there for four years. Nobody ever cleaned that. What? Never. I worked there for four years.

We cleaned the bathrooms, we cleaned the dining room. I guarantee you. Nobody ever cleaned it. I guarantee you. All that stuff got shipped off to a bioweapon lab. The dining room. I guarantee you. I guarantee you. Nobody ever cleaned it. I guarantee you. All that stuff got shipped off to a bioweapon lab. Guaranteed. Guaranteed.

The United States. That's where COVID came from. Yeah, right? We like, like accidentally a bat fell in there. That's the... We got it because of you. Yeah, with me. But seriously though, how do you even clean it?

I have no idea. Like how would you clean it? You'd have to power wash it because of you. But seriously though, how do you even clean it? I have no idea. Like how would you clean it? You'd have to power wash it all or something. But I mean, nobody cleaned the slides, nobody cleaned any of the climb-upon stuff. Nobody ever cleaned any of it. Did you ever take a shit in there or anything? No, I don't think so.

I don't think anyone ever... The thing is like, so nobody cleaned it that it wasn't on anyone's list. Like you get a... Like everyone's like, okay. Oh yeah, I know, I know. Sure, yeah, you have a thing. It's not on anyone's list. Like you get a like everyone's like, okay. Oh yeah, I know. I know. Sure. Yeah. You have a thing.

It's not on anyone's list. The close up stuff. Right. It's not on anyone's close to shop list. You didn't even walk by it with like some lice on it. Just spray it in there. No. What you did was you cleaned the tables, you mopped the floor.

Like you cleaned the areas around it. But the balls and shit, like all that stuff. No. You remember the anthrax scare? When the white powder was being... Sure. That was just scraped right off the balls in the ball pit. You just take a pocket knife and you just scrape that shit right off of it.

Somebody just died. Dude, the teenagers would go in there and fucking make out all the time. It's fucking disgusting. You lay your girl down and you have to move a diaper out of the way. Just pushing a diaper out of the way. Well, I do remember like... Honey, look out. There's a little bit of vomit behind your head from a kid who-

That's okay. He ate his fucking double cheeseburger too quick and then went down the slide. God, you couldn't pay me to get in one of those things. Now, knowing what I know- I don't even- No. Like, there's a part of me though that genuinely wonders how the fuck do you even start to clean it right because you couldn't figure it out where you had nobody cared nobody cared But but there I'm sure there's got to be a place where somebody had to do that in the past

If you I'm this is a plea to the listeners Yeah, have you ever had to clean a ball pit and if so, how yeah what like all they can think Cecil is that they get sucked out and If so, how? Yeah, what like all they can think Cecil is that they get sucked out and like churned in water and antiseptic and then put back. So you know how you have the port-a-potty of trucks that come by? I feel like they must have one with like a ball vacuum. Like a play place vacuum?

Like a big play place vacuum. It sucks it up into like a cement mixer full of water. It spins around and then it shits them out into something else and they just shot back in there. The big fucking shotgun worth of fucking balls. The king balls. Get in there. I cleaned your balls.

Thanks for cleaning my balls. Amazing. All right. That's good. I put up a show. You're cleaning my balls in your cement mixing. Amazing. All right. That's going to wrap it up. We'll be back on Monday with another full show. So, but we're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a virtue.

It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue. Hypno Babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi Couched in, Scientician, Double Bubble, Toil and Trouble, Pseudo-Quasi-Alternative, Acupuncturating, Pressurized, Stereogram, Pyramidal, Free Energy, Healing, Water, Downward Spiral, Brain Dead, Pan, Sales Pitch, Late Night Info, Docutainment, Leo Pisces, Cancer Cures, Detox, Reflex, Foot Massage, Death in Towers, Tarot Cards, Psychic Healing, Crystal Balls, Bigfoot, Yeti, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, vaccine nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, doublespeak, stigmata, nonsense. The The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes

only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. Thanks for watching!