Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 764: Bear Cub Selfie, Involuntary Bank Robbery

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

         

This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, This is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes us mad.

It's skeptical, it's political, and there is no welcome mat. Today, the day you are listening to this is Thursday, May the ninth, eighth, ninth would be seven days from this Thursday night. And the day we're recording this is Thursday, May the second. So whatever happens between now and then is nobody's business. It's a funny show. It's a funny show.

So it's a goof show. So we're going to start with this awesome story from Inside Edition. After losing all of her money to an online scam, 74 year old Ohio woman robs bank at gunpoint. What I love about this story is a 74 year old lady robs this bank, but she kind of did a lot of planning. Like I'm kind of like, I kind of feel like giving her a little, like she got caught. Yeah. She got caught. All right. Only got 500 bucks again. Riding a bank isn't like it was. Decided to rob a credit union. I don't

know. Maybe a different bank. I don't know. I don't know how much banks keep in the thing anymore, but it feels like a regular bank might have a little. I'm not a cops and robbers robber, right? But I think the banks have cottoned on that they're full of money and they've got a pretty good system to make sure you don't get lots of it. I imagine the credit union was just like, yeah, you're doing what now? Yeah, no. You're sure you know, we'll give you a low interest rate loan.

I'm sorry, ma'am. Are you a member? If you're not a member, we're only allowed to be robbed by members of this credit union. I've been wanting to change to a credit union for so long. Like to actually just leave a bank and go to the credit union. But it's just a fucking hassle to leave your bank because everything is connected to it. And there's so many times that you get a little mad at your bank and you think I'm gonna fucking leave and then you're like, no I'm not. It's a bad relationship. It really is a bad relationship.

It's a bad relationship. You're like fuck I already got property here. You know it's like a whole thing. Gotta fucking pay the bank out. This lady though she robs the bank then she takes off her clothes and chucks them out the car. She changes out her fucking license plate. She takes off her bumper sticker. But they said in here, they said,

the police say that, it says that she removed the license plate from her car and the bumper sticker that would have made her vehicle easier to identify before committing the robbery, saying that it showed premeditation. I'm thinking, who trips and robs a bank? Like, don't you all, like, isn't a bank robbery like 100% premeditated?

What and what at what level would I even care if it was a heat of the moment bank robbery? Thank you. Thank you. Is there going to be like involuntary bank robbery? Am I going to get bank robbery too instead of bank robbery robbery? Like what am I ever in the teller line and I'm like yeah okay so I need to cash this check. I'd like small bills, please. That would actually be great. You know, I'm gonna rob it. I'm robbing you now.

Holy shit, look at me, I'm robbing you now. You get angry in the line and then you're just like, fuck it, I'm gonna rob it. And then you just go up and you just like, just deposit your check and like, that's all I really wanted to do. I just wanted to get to the front of the line. Now I'm done, I'm going, I'm going.

This is a robbery. I just wanted to see what you guys would do. I'm done. I'm going I'm going this is a robbery I just want to see what you guys would do actually. I just was curious what you guys would do actually I just really just need change for this 20 There's a meter outside. Yeah, I want to do you guys take these coins can you I got a lot of coins I got a jar of coins. I didn't want to do the coin star. They take too much money. It's like 10% I'm not paying 10% money for money Do you have a coin thing at home because I I used to have one of those for my whole life. I had a coin jar.

I have. And then every year I would do it. I don't carry cash anymore. Cecil, I have an embarrassing number of squirreled away coin jars all over the place. I don't even know where they're all at. I have like- But do you carry cash and get coins, though?

I have cash sometimes. Yeah, I'll get cash sometimes. I so rarely use cash. I genuinely, so in my wallet, I have this little, I don't have my wallet on me, but I have one of these really like really thin wallets. It's essentially just an ID holder. That's all it's for. ID and there's a couple of credit cards in it.

But on the ones, on the inside, there's like a little flap and I keep like a $20 bill in there for emergencies. And I might've had the same $20 bill in there for year and a half. Oh, I, I use cash. I don't know why, but I just use cash sometimes. Like I'll need cash for something. Never use it. Like, like my kids sometimes need cash for stuff.

That's different though. Cause you have kids. So I'll go to the bank and then I'll have, cause then you can't be like, can't be like, well, take my credit card. So you like your 10 year old. You know what I mean? You got to give them money. Like my daughter was like, uh, uh, you know, like, we'll take my credit card to like your tenure. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? You got to give it like my daughter was like, you know, hey, there's a book fair. I need 20 bucks.

So I kind of have to have a little bit of cash. That makes more sense than me. I don't ever need it. My cats don't ever come to me like there's a book fair or like the cleaning service I have. I pay them in cash because they prefer it. So like I sometimes just have some cash. But see, so what I end up having is coins fucking everywhere. Yeah. If you were to go in my car and open the little console, I think the bottom two inches is coins. Oh shit. It's because I get money like I'm at

a Starbucks drive thru or whatever. And I just throw it in the console. I've been doing it since 20. I've had that car since 2019. I've never taken a coin out of it. It's probably got 300. It's probably got 300 pounds of coins driving around that thing. This is stories from USA Today. I tried telling them to stop. Video shows people yank bear cubs from tree for selfie. It really does too.

Like it really does. Like watch these people like lift this fucking bear up. We're gonna watch it. Holy shit. They're yelling oh This is just music I'm not gonna play it So there's a there's a bear in the tree and this lady literally just walks up and rips it right out of the tree and now

She's holding it and now she's asking someone to take a photo with her and she's got this fucking bear She's holding it like a fucking puppy and somebody else is taking the bear another bear Another bear and then this poor bear can't get over the fucking The fence it has no idea where how to get back up in the tree Because it it doesn't know where to go and it's just running and now this is just a rewind of the same video So they're just gonna do like that one of the bears bit the lady. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm glad to see that Yeah, happy to see a bear bite. Who was, everybody's just going, where's the mom?

Where's the mom? Where's the mom? These are bear cubs. Are you that fucking stupid that you would go over there and fuck with a bear cub? When my dad and I were up in Canada, I took my dad on a fishing trip up into Ontario, Canada many years ago, and we were driving from,

it's fucking dense wilderness shit out there. Like we're in the middle of nowhere. And we have to drive from like the cabins we're staying at to the dock where we're gonna like put in for the day, and the guy's gonna take us out on the boat. And so we're driving, and it's just like these two lanes of rot, and there's just trees.

And at one point, these two little baby bear cubs run right in front of the car, and we're driving three miles an hour, right? Like it's just like these two lanes of rot and there's just trees. And at one point, these two little baby bear cubs right in front of the car. And we're driving three miles an hour, right? Like, which is just not a big deal. These two bear cubs, doop, doop, doop, cute as fucking buttons, these little bear cubs. And my first thought was like, God, I'm glad I'm in this car. Because like, I don't know where the fucking mama bear's at, but she's close by, man. Close by and she can be so mad. Right.

The moment you touch that bear or come near that bear, that little baby bear. Are you kidding me? Like that's a, there's a reason that's a fucking thing human beings know about. Right. There's a reason we all know that you don't fuck with a mama bear. That's why it's even just in our vernacular. Now, when you talk about a mom getting angry about her child. Right. Yeah, I'll get all mama bear like,

and you're just fucking with a baby. This story, it would have ended better if the fucking grown-up bear just at the woman up. Just at it right up. Just... I'd be okay if the mama bear just fought her like they were on Jerry Springer. Like, I'd have been okay with that too. I'd have been like, no, it just kicking the shit out of her, grabs her by the hair,

hits her with a bouquet of flowers. Right? Another bear is not the father and is like doing like little dance and shit. It's a dancing bear. The only time I ever been really genuinely disgusted was when I was in Jerry Springer's audience. Like, I was somehow I got... I forgot that you went there! I got an entry pass, and they sent it, and then I went.

And when I went, I genuinely... Like, I was, you know, the whole time that Jerry Springer was on, you weren't sure if it was fake or not. Right. As a viewer at home, it feels like pro wrestling. You're not sure. You're like, I don't know, is it fake, is it real? Do they just hire actors to come in there

and pretend to hate each other? At least for me, I couldn't tell. My whole life, I was like, I don't know, I'm not sure. And so when the opportunity came up for Sarah and I to go, we're like Jerry Springer fans. We weren't like, you know, oh, Jerry, we were just like, the opportunity came up. Sounds fun.

Hey, that sounds interesting to go, let's go. And so we went, and as soon as we got in, I recognized, oh no, these are like real human beings. And you could tell because like, someone was like bleeding from their eye at a certain point in the someone else got kicked in the face with a Doc Martin and there was like a like a like a shoe print on their face and the whole time I'm thinking oh no it's not fake yeah oh I want to leave it's real and these people are and the whole time, I don't want to cheer, but the people around you are upset because they want to be on TV.

Right. And so they're rabidly chanting when people are getting their hair torn out. Don't they have people like cueing the audience? They have some person on the side who does a motion. And the motion then tells you what you need to do. So if you wanted to chant, if they wanted you to chant Jerry, they'd go like this.

And so you would chant Jerry. That's so fucking funny. And I wasn't participating. I'm just like, I'm part of the group, but I'm just like, what is happening? Like this is not, what is that? I was fake. I was like, I feel like everybody's gonna turn around

like that fucking clone movie where everybody starts shrieking and pointing at you. And my wife was the same way, both of us were horrified. Like what is happening here? It was a really weird experience. It was very, very strange. Jerry Springer is something that it was like a product of its time.

And really I think showed me a lot about how rabid people were to be on television. Yeah, I mean, and like also like that show really wanted to be like, let's ogle the worst moments of someone's life. Let's create. Yeah. Let's intentionally create a heightened drama around a really emotionally charged moment and then turn that into entertainment.

It was weird, man. And like I watched it too. Yeah, I watched it and you'd be like, because when I was a very young man like when that show When the show like hit its peak. Yeah, I was like a young college at the time So yeah, so I was just like yeah, whatever. I'll watch that show like fucking people are yelling at each other It's high drama. I was not immune to it at all. I don't say I was like a big fan I'm in the same boat. I wasn't immune to it either. You're right. I was I felt the same way Yeah, so like I but like I recognize now with like the benefit of some maturity is like I'm in the same boat. I wasn't immune to it either. You're right. I felt the same way. Yeah.

So like I, but like I recognize now with like the benefit of some maturity is like, grownups should not have made that show. It was a fucked up show. It was a fucked up show, man. It was a fucked up show. I want to make one last observation about the Bear story. I think it's real fucking weird how hard people will work

to take a picture they'll never fucking look at later. You know what I mean? I hate when people do this. Dude, have you ever looked at your camera roll on your phone? And almost none of it you care about? Like, almost none of the pictures in my camera roll do I give any shits about at all. I'll go places and I see myself do it. I'm like, at a zoo or something and I'm taking pictures and I'm like,

I'll never look at this picture. What am I doing? And a part of my brain is screaming at me and I'm not even a big picture taker. A lot of other people take tons and tons and tons of pictures and I'm like, I know you're never gonna look at that. You will never look at it.

This lady's like pulling a bear out of a tree and like traumatizing this bear, like separating from its like food source and its mother. Just to get a picture they won't even look at, man. It's like the people who take their iPads to concerts. Oh my God. And you're just like, why are you doing that for? You're never gonna watch, you'll never in your life

watch that video again. Never. You don't care about Peter Frampton here. Like there's no real, you're only doing it. I don't know why. I don't know why either. I don't know why, I just don't know why Peter Frampton here. Like there's no reason. You're only doing it. I don't know why. I don't know why either. I don't know why. I just don't know why you're doing it.

I seriously, I understand. And can I do this? I will say I understand the impulse to take a picture or a short video to post it somewhere. And then what I like about that is that it comes up in my memories. And then I can be like, oh, that was fun. Remember we were at that concert

and it's a 30 second little video. It's the people that spend the whole event or the whole circumstance of the thing that they're doing through a screen. But the other problem too is I might take a video, but I'm going to do it right here. Yeah, man, you're not holding something over your head in my fucking view.

I won't hold it over my fucking head like this So that half like half the crowd behind me can't see like why would I that's stupid like it's rude Also people who take videos with a giant fucking iPad are the weirdest people the cameras not as good as your phone You carry that with you. It's a worse camera Than the smaller fucking device. I love it. It's good to watch things on not to capture things on I don't think people understand that at all though. I think they think it's insane things like holding a big They bring like a big flat screen just holding it like a giant old timey like they're holding the flat screen with a picture of a lighter on it

I the fucking I the fucking iPod or what do they call it again? iPad. Fucking iPad people are so bizarre to me. Tablet people? Yeah. Fucking put that shit down. Why is that here? I would, if I brought that I would be like, this is annoying to hold.

I'd set it down and forget it. I would not have an iPad anymore. The only way for me to bring that home with me to put my keys in on it and put it in a shoe. In a shoe. Tom's shoes and his keys get stolen. This story comes from Gizmodo. Tesla driver charged with killing motorcyclists after turning on autopilot and browsing his

phone. So there's a difference between full self-driving mode and autopilot. Autopilot is essentially lane keeping assist with adaptive cruise control. It's what you have in your car. I would not trust that. I don't trust it at all. Like the lane keeper works sometimes. You almost, the good thing is, is that no one has marketed Lane Assist

and adaptive cruise control as automatic. Yes. No one has marketed as such. What they've done is they've said, these are things that are helpers. Right. And then your brain is like, cool, I've always got to be paying attention to the road.

I've always got to have my fingers on it. Now, maybe I don't have to do a lot. Maybe I can just have two fingers on the wheel at a certain point or whatever. But my hands are always on the wheel. My eyes are- 100% on the road. Always on the road.

Yeah, 100% of the time. Because if you've used these help ring devices, you know that they are imperfect. You know that sometimes they will misjudge a distance or they'll, you know, the lane markings won't be as good, good enough for the camera to read it 100% of the time. So, you know, like, okay, it's good, not great. I can use it, but not trust it.

But I don't know, man, when you call something motherfucking autopilot autopilot sounds- Or full self-driving. Well, full self-driving mode is supposed to be actual full self-driving. But it's not though. But that is a separate thing that you have to buy separately from autopilot. Autopilot comes on every Tesla. Full self driving is like 10 or 12 grand extra and like that is supposed to take over driving. Autopilot isn't even supposed to do that. So why the fuck call it autopilot? Autopilot. And this person is like, yeah, I'm just going to get on my phone real

quick while my car is driving down the road. Dude, I've seen like videos where people are in a Tesla and they've got like something engaged, whether it's autopilot or full self driving mode, whichever, and they're like in the back seat for a minute sleeping and you're like, this technology isn't there yet. Reading a tablet, taking a video of a concert with a tablet while they're driving. Oh, I think this is fascinating. I love this. The story's from The Guardian. Belgian man, I love that this is Belgian by the way. Belgian man whose body makes its own alcohol

cleared of drunk driving. So there is a syndrome that is very rare. It's called auto brewery syndrome. Oh, it should be ABV syndrome. Oh, it should be. It should be ABV syndrome. Oh, come on. Change of need to something because it's already AB. Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, it is. He floats in a certain place. He's like partially, you set him in like a big vat of liquor and he's like kind of bobbing up and down. He's just bobbing in the middle. It's a brewer joke. Only like five brewers are gonna get it,

but they're gonna love it. They're gonna love it. I do like that he had to go to court and proof this. But auto brewery syndrome is where like, bacteria, yeast in your gut starts chewing up sugar and it starts spitting out alcohol because that's what yeast does. And so sometimes people will get a,

like a colonization of these yeast internally. It can be very hard to get rid of, like really, really hard to get rid of. And if that happens, like you just have a blood alcohol level. Yeah, it just makes its own little blood alcohol. Yeah, you're just, you've got little booze in the belly all the time. This guy's pouring corn mash down his throat.

Hahaha! And I love that he's just- He's swallowing little pieces of oak, just to age it all. He's just chewing up hops, just raw hops. I just, you know, I wanna, I'm gonna, I feel like it's an IPA day. It's an IPA day, I'm just going to chew up these fucking nasty ass hops. Well, he gets pulled over and like, he pops hot on the, on the BAV and like, he's like, yeah, but like,

I'm always like that. That's the only thing I can do. And I guess if you have this, you don't get all the effects of the alcohol. I don't know how that works. Yeah, you're just like, it just like, you just get the alcohol, but none of the effects? I don't know how that works. Yeah, you just like, you just get the alcohol, but none of the effects? I don't, yeah.

That sucks. Yeah, and I'm super curious. I just says it in the article, but I have read other articles about this where people have been drunk or tipsy from their own internalized brewery. Constantly walking around. Can you imagine being fucking constantly drunk

and there's nothing you can do about it? You're eating bread and it's turning into more liquor. Yeah, he's like, I don't know what to do. You're drinking coffee and eating bread and it's like more liquor. You're like, I don't want it to stop. I'm doing the stop stuff. I don't know what else I can do. You're constantly walk around all day taking cold showers. It would be fucking horrible.

That would suck. Just to be fucking ripped all the time. If you're constantly like a little drunk, yeah, that would not be fun. No, thank you. That would not be fun. I'm gonna be constantly drunk, I'm gonna be constantly really drunk.

No, that's terrible. That's gonna be way worse. This is the most, I read this Cecil and I thought, this is the most if Noah was gonna, I read this Cecil and I thought, this is the most, if Noah was going to file a lawsuit, pedant lawsuit. This is such a pedant lawsuit. Texas movie theater is sued. 24 ounce cup allegedly holds 22 ounces.

I love that somebody is sitting in there. They're drinking this to like, they're looking at their own cup. They've ordered a cup and they're kind of doing that side like tilt head. Like, this feels like 22 hours. Can you imagine trying to tell your wife what you're up to? And you're like, you know, I'm really going to make something out of this. And she's like, oh my God, don't you have something better to do? You know, you know what? I'm filing a suit. Honey, this is 22. I don't care. I don't tell

me any more about this. I don't want to hear any more stories about this. Already you're putting like nine ounces of ice in there anyway. So it's not like you're getting 22 ounces of drink in the first place. So instead you're just getting like your change, you're trading down for a little less. It's there This is same amount of ice is gonna go in the cup. It's not a big deal You don't need 24 ounces of soda. Although it's so don't it's so fun. You'll be fine with 22 Go to the go to the fucking the the ballpark though and the difference in the beers how because sometimes they'll

They'll have a beer that they say is you know, this is the $12 beer and this is the $9 beer. And then you pour the two and it's only, it's only literally this much difference in the two of them, but one's in a tall, thin cup and one's in like a little fatter cup and the fatter cup costs nine, but the other costs like 15 and people buy the one with the one extra ounce of beer. Oh my fucking God. I love to like, when you go to the theater and like, you just want like,

cause the sizes, I know this is like an old thing, but like the sizes of everything at the theater have gotten increasingly gargantuan to where you cannot get a sane amount of anything. Who needs a bucket of soda? Like I can't, I can't, I have a hard time. And I'm like, no, I'll be pissing the entire movie. I have a hard time sitting through a whole three hour movie

without going to the bathroom anyway. And from working from home has ruined me. I can't go three hours without going to the bathroom. I'm like, I gotta go. And I'm not gonna drink something the whole time. I'm gonna be peeing every 10 minutes. You kidding me? I put a fucking Foley catheter in

before I go to the goddamn movie. I'll tell you, what you do is you get the big cup and then you just put it right underneath it That's a hider I mean, that's maybe how we found out he needed 24 Yeah, I need a bigger piss cup Got two big piss cups on the side It's got two big piss cups on the side of his head. There's one for pee and one for soda. You just don't want to miss them.

Don't mix them up. Don't mix them up. Input output, input output. Okay. What the fuck, dude? The stories from Daily Beast. Rebel Wilson says the British Royal invited her to an orgy party. Dude, dude, how little this sounds so desperately unappealing. She gets invited to a party. Dude, dude, how little. This sounds so desperately unappealing. She gets

invited to a party. She goes to the party and they're like, oh good, we need more girls at the party. And she's like, all right, it's kind of a weird thing to say out loud, but I'll go to the party. Fucking weirdo. So she says, I got thrown a last-minute invite to a tech billionaire party. The guy who invited me, he's like 15th or 20th in line of the British throne. And he said, we need more girls. And so she goes to this party and it's a great big rich fucks party, right?

So like, it's all the stuff you can imagine at some rich fuckers party. Like it's like, she describes it as like a Gatsby party. So it's all that crazy stuff. Then it starts to get late. Like it starts to get like two o'clock in the morning. And it says, there's a huge private fireworks display. And then all of a sudden it's 2am and a guy comes out with a large tray, powdered looks like a ton of candy. And I'm like, Oh, is that candy? Don't eat the candy. Don't just

look, there should be somebody who jumps out of the bushes and like attacks the thing and pushes her back at the same time. Never take something from a tray of candy at a rich person's house. That's never candy. That's Quaaludes or fucking ecstasy or like roofies or a combo of all three. Back very quickly away from that tray. If somebody says we need more girls at the party, you don't want to be one of the girls at that party. You want to avoid that party as much as possible. That's not a party where you want to be one of the party. You don't want to be one of the girls at that party. You want to avoid that party as much as possible.

That's not a party where you want to be one of the girls. 100% no. And then they're like, she says, oh, it's candy. Like, oh, it's not candy. It's for the orgy. Orgies normally start at these things right about this time. And then she's like, great. And then she's slowly back to wait to the exit. Which is what you do. It's like that GIF of like Homer Simpson disappearing into the bushes. I don't know how much it is of a person who's just like fucking with her too. I don't know, because it's just a person who said it.

So, you know, who knows what if it's real. She's also selling a book full of stories. Who knows if the story is real. It's like you're like, you're like, I don't know. How gross would it be to be at the British Royalty? Orgy? Orgy. And that's a lot of bangers and mash.

That's all I'm saying. The whitest little sausages you've ever seen. This is not a people renowned for their taste. There's not a lot of color on that plate. You know what I mean? Yeah, genuinely. No, no, no, thank you. You know what I mean? Yeah, genuinely. No, thank you. I know what fucking English breakfast looks like.

I don't want to imagine dessert. No thank you. This is the whitest thing you've ever seen. The whitest, smallest, shrivelest thing you've ever seen. So here's an etiquette question on an orgy. Like you're on an orgy. Don't ask me these questions. You're going to have to ask the audience. And you finish, but the orgy is still going on. Is it okay to sit off to the side and

check your phone? Cause what are you supposed to do? I think so. I think so. Like are there just like a bunch of people? Cause not everybody's going to finish at the same time. So like, is it just like a, like a growing squad of people? Is there a trophy for the guy who finishes last? I don't know. Is there, trophy for the guy who finishes last? I don't know. That's seriously- Yeah, there's gotta be a prize.

I'm sure none of the girls are finishing. So it's really only about the dudes at that thing anyway. Yeah, so I imagine all the rest of them get hearty high fives and there's one guy who gets like a champagne cup full of very white liquid. and there's one guy who gets like a champagne cup full of very white liquid. Because I imagine it's like, like, and you probably don't know this, but like when you have a kid and you go to like an award ceremony, if your kid gets called 10th and there's a hundred kids, it's really gauche to leave after you get your award. You're supposed to sit and wait for everybody else to get their award. Sure, yeah.

I wonder if the same etiquette rules apply to the orgy. You know, you've gotten off and you're like that. You gotta wait for that guy who's just pumping away and pouring sweat and you're like, come on, man. Dude, do you like? There's like a chocolate fountain, man. I have things to do. Ha ha ha ha.

This story is typically Australian. ABC.net hospital staff plead with bite victims to stop bringing snakes to emergency departments. This is the one. This is the one that's in it. Could you imagine just back the fuck away? Be like, um, what are you doing? I don't need, like I guess like for treatment purposes, people think you need to be able to show up and be like, it was exactly this snake. This is the one. And you don't have to do that. They don't need to milk it. I don't know how.

They don't need to milk it. And I don't know how, like I don't know like if like anti-venom is just like good enough that it works. You know, part of me wonders if anti-venom all kind of does a lot of the same thing so like one Section of reptiles does pretty much the same thing when it bites you so if it does this it like shuts down some organs or right Or they like look at the snake bite and they're like, okay, it was probably this class of yeah Yeah, like we need to use an anti coagulant What's happening to you probably is also another thing that they can get that they're like, oh, there's a symptom

of anticoagulants, so we've got to do this thing. But like, you got bit by a wild thing that's made out of fucking venom. And then you're chasing it around to catch it. Or your buddy is. And you're either going to catch it. There's one of three options. You're going to catch it successfully. Or you're going to get it. There's one of three options. You're gonna catch it successfully Or you're gonna get bit again and get more venom or your buddy's now gonna be bitten And now who's gonna chase the fucking snake down or you're gonna bring it to the thing and you're gonna open it up

And it's gonna latch onto the doctor's right no it's like a fucking horror movie. This is the grenade that blew up my arm So it was just like this one So I was holding the amity like this I was you see gosh, it's so crazy I guess I don't know like I feel like... I've nipped the top of my finger off. I had to bring the knife with me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Venomous wasteland if there's if there is a fucking enough of this to write a story about yes Maybe we should stop doing it as a culture. That's true. How often is this happening? Jesus? So what the fuck I would be to I there's there are poisonous snakes around us sure there's there's The the water moccasin which is a water snake that that lives around here. I Don't know what else I when I was a kid,

when I was a young, young kid, a friend of mine and I were like walking through the, like by the street, but it was like a sort of deserted section of a on-ramp that was no longer really in use. And we were walking around, I think we were looking for worms to go fish, and we were flipping over some rocks,

and one of us heard a rattle. Oh wow. And like both of us just bolted. We just started running, but we heard the rattle, that very distinct rattle. And I didn't think there was rattle snakes up here, but I definitely heard a rattle. I guess there are, yeah. And we ran the fuck out of it. We were like, fuck that. But I've seen water moccasins before. And that's, I think, the only thing that we think up here is that pretty dangerous is that snake. That's the one you want to stay away from. Yeah, when I was living in Florida, I remember I saw what might have been a coral snake, which are venomous. Or it might have been a king snake because they, it's a mimic of the coral snake.

And you can tell the difference if you're not running really fast. So I couldn't tell the difference because I was a kid and I was running really fast. Because we were always taught like, you know, stay away from these different venomous snakes. And like, Florida's just full of lots of venomous shit. So like... There's shit that flies around me that could, might not be bees too. I think it's a bee. I'm like, fuck it, that's a fucking... It might be a fly of some kind.

Because it sounds like a bee, but it might not be. Don't care. That mimics shit. It's good. Sorry. It's smart. It's good. Sorry. It's smart. It's good for you, but it might also get you killed. Some sports.yahoo and also the independent, which somehow is part of Yahoo.

Oh, I love this so much. My hoo-ha is going to be out. Nike's US Olympic outfits need constant pub vigilance. Say, frustrated athletes. But the one thing I will say is they genuinely put these women in the tiniest little outfits you've ever seen. And this is like their standard outfit and they can't deviate from these outfits. And they're getting cheekier and cheekier and cheekier. And there's women are next to me.

I mean, they're genuinely like, like riding high sort of outfits that they're required to wear to these play they can't come in like uh like Like where I would wear like underarm or pants or whatever right they can't even come or something like that And they don't do the same shit to do is they're not putting dudes and fucking hoochie daddy shorts See you say bold like a fucking in a banana hammock He should have to run around a fucking speed up with his fucking dog flopping its dog is sort of Partially behind him. He's running so fast his dog is sort of hanging in the back there It's like he's Paul Vaalden

Crazy That's the three-legged jump Somebody's running it's like and he's got a fucking erection, so he like wins like the photo finish with his fucking dick out. Somebody mistakes the baton in a relay race. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hands off. Hands back on, hands back on. Hey, hold on.

All right. You have softer hands than I thought. What kind of lotion do you use? Real? Really grabbed a hold of that thing, didn't they? Look, at some point, just do it naked. Or just like turn the Olympics into the lingerie Olympics. That's what they did back in the day.

They were like, no, we're not going to, when they set the wrestling, they were just going to grease each other up and just grab a hole. Has your god said he greased? Yeah, but genuinely, if somebody is going to run and they are going to opt in for the drag that is that outfit, you could let somebody use less up to your outfit thing, but they're doing it specifically for ratings. They're doing this for male gays. Yeah, it's for male gays and it's for, it's basically because they're all young athletic women that they want to put in these outfits.

Yeah, this is to titillate an audience with, you know, as close to nudity of these like attractive female bodies as they can possibly get away with it. It's like, why do we have to sexualize and objectify women in every single thing we do? We're supposed to be watching them be these amazing athletes performing these unbelievable feats of strength and skill and finesse and like, you know, show off their like years and years and years of dedication. And instead we're like, I wanna see your tits. Show us your tits. It's like really fucking gross.

It is really gross. It's really gross. And the thing is, is like in certain sports, women have been getting, because for years and years and years and years and years of American sports, especially televised sports, women's sports have gotten short shrift. There hasn't been a women's sports that a lot of people

really paid a lot of attention to. Now I might be missing something obvious, but nothing pops into my mind where there was like, the women's sport was the biggest sport. It just wasn't, right? The way that they would- Figure skating maybe. Yeah, maybe figure skating or something like that.

But again, a lot of those still used very tight outfits. You know what I mean? When I think about female golfing, same thing. They're in skirts. They're out there, you know, in like short dresses. Short skirts, yeah. Tennis. Tennis is the same thing.

Short dresses. So if they were to do it, it was to do, you know, they were to have some sort of notoriety. It would have to have something that would then allow guys to watch it because there's a cute girl in a short outfit, right? But that is starting to change. You look at UFC, MMA fighting, those women are out there in like what basically the dudes are wearing, right? They're in a sports bra and like longer sort of pants.

Nobody's wearing like a cheeky outfit. They're all in like regular clothes. They're not wearing any makeup. They're getting punched in the face. And they got that, like they're, but they're out there doing the same thing. And that's getting a big following in the MMA world. Like there's a lot of people who watch

and enjoy the women's fights just as much as they enjoy the guys' fights. I think about the WNBA and how that is starting to grow more and more and more. We're seeing college basketball with women and those are not revealing outfits. That is just women being athletic. That's it.

That's all it is. They're just, those outfits are this pretty much the same outfits that the dudes in the NBA wear. Longer shorts, you know, a shirt instead of a tee because guys will wear the tank top in the NBA, but they don't, I don't think they do it. As near as I can tell, they have like sleeves. But it's more of a t-shirt, but they don't, I don't think they do it as near as I can tell. They have like sleeves. More of a t-shirt type.

But it's more of a t-shirt, but they're in big baggy clothes. Right. And you get an opportunity to see that. It doesn't have to be the lingerie bowl for people to be like, no, actually, that's really good sports. Yeah, it's really crass and like,

it really demeans women and it also like, short changes, like the reality that we will watch women perform sports without sexualizing them? Without sexualizing them. I totally see your point. And like from this article, there's two things I wanted to read real quick because one thing is this is said that really struck me. This woman being interviewed says, I'm queer and I'm attracted to female bodies,

but I don't expect or enjoy seeing female athletes or male athletes put in a position to battle self-consciousness at their place of work. That is not part of the job description. That's real important. These people are at work. Yeah. Like you can't. No, you're right. It's really gross to be like, Hey, the dress code is going to be, I want to see most of your ass hang out. This is suddenly Hooters. Yeah, right. Get the fuck out of here. I love Cecil when you do the notes and you find for the funny show a headline ripped out of Mad Libs.

It really is, right? This is fucking Mad Libs. Retired chiropractor killed Elvis impersonator by chloroforming him more than once during sex. 100%. 100% is Mad Libbs. That is just... I could never have come up with that. That is, give me an occupation. Give me another occupation. Give me a give me a verb. Give me a you know a

drug. Give me an activity. Give me an activity. Okay, I got it. Retired chiropractor, two levels personated by chloroform, more than one story sex. You would win that mad list. I want to point out too that it was like, it seems like it was consensual sex and that this was something that they were doing where they were like chloroforming. This isn't like somebody who kidnapped someone. Cecil, it's 2024 and I know I'm not allowed to kink shame. However, I am kink shaming.

Chloroform is not safe. You can't chloroform. I wanna correct you. Anything that's a crime is not a kink. Yeah. Okay. So I wanna just correct you and be like, that's not a kink. Yeah.

So if somebody were like, I'm in a kink shame, it's pedophilia. No, that's a crime. Right like, that's not a kink. So if somebody were like, I'm in a kink shame, it's pedophilia. No, that's a crime. So it's not a kink. When you use the word kink, that is a playful sexual activity, not a thing that can kill somebody. Dude, that's a difference.

You're not kink shaming anything, you're decrying a crime. I am, but I'm also gonna say, I think it's fucking weird that you're like, this would be hotter if you were unconscious. I just think that's like, maybe you should interrogate that part of yourself. I don't know that it's a hundred percent unconscious that they're going for though. With the chloroform?

I think that they're maybe going for an altered state. Oh, okay. I think possibly that we maybe misunderstand that it's like, I would like you to violate my limp body and the other person's like, I would you to violate my limp body and the other person's like I Would like to violate a limp body. I don't think that's the case That's what I think I part of me thinks that it's for uh, it's for like an altered Let's get kind of high on core Let me get kind of high on chloroform and then we do it and it feels better, but the person went overboard

That's my idea of what happened. I was assumed. I don't think somebody's like, no, definitely put me under so I don't remember any of it. Cause I was just going to be like, maybe on both ends of that sexual transaction, you should interrogate that part of yourself. No, no, no. It's like, this is what I like. Like it's okay to like other things. You could just be like, that's weird. I'm not going to do everything I like. You know, absolutely. Like there's a place you can take things where it's like, okay, maybe that's too far. I think we can say that at some point. When somebody ends up dead, I think you should be like, all right, you know what? That was not a healthy one.

That was not a healthy one. And I agree. And I think people use the word kink in a way that I think is incorrect sometimes where they say, I'm going to kink shame. And you're like, no, that you're not kink shaming a pedophile. That's not a kink. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's a crime.

That is literally a crime. So I think people misunderstand and they think, because people will say something like, you can't kink shame, someone will then think, well, that means that I can't ever have an opinion about how somebody has a sexual thing. Experience. Experience.

And you're like, that may be true for most of what they do as long as they keep it amongst themselves. But the moment they start harming someone else or including something that can't give consent, that's not a kink anymore. That's not a kink. And if you blur that line and you call it a kink, then you're basically saying that I'm including that into an area that it shouldn't be in. From AP News, again, Mad Libs,

Canadian family receives wrong body after father died on Cuban vacation. This is worse than getting the wrong Grubhub order. It's so, have you gotten the word wrong order before? No, I've had people like fuck them up, but I've never gotten the wrong order. I have gotten the wrong order You know where you cannot get grub hub from in my neck of the woods successfully is goddamn Cold Stone Creamery I Get the wrong shit every you need it though. Don't you yes?

Of course I fucking need it somebody brought me ice cream It's sea salt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sweet. Can I just say, not a fan of cake batter ice cream. No, I'm not a fan of that. Cake batter is amazing at the very end, right before you're done and you do one of these. Yeah. Cake batter is awesome. Cake batter is not good if you don't bake it and sit down with a bowl of cake batter. It's not good.

Not good. It's not gonna be good. I don't care how much you pour into your cereal bowl, not gonna be as good as the cake that you make. No. It's only good licking the spoon or the spatula I don't care how much you pour into your cereal bowl, not going to be as good as the cake that you make. It's only good licking the spoon or the spatula or maybe that one little taste at the end. That's the only time in my opinion. Look, this is my own taste, but genuinely, I don't see how getting a whole bowl of that

is good. No. And like the Cold Stone Creamer near me sends me either someone else's order, it's happened more than once, and always the order is less too. It's not like they're sending me like, oh fuck. I'm always getting like a small and I'm like, I've never ordered a small ice cream in my life.

I want something that is as big as my two fists. When I'm ordering ice cream and I'm paying the premium to have it delivered to my house, I'm getting the most possible ice cream. Whatever the biggest yeses box I can check on your order form, that's, and so yeah, plus they like, it's always wrong combinations or they'll like send me one thing

and leave another thing out or, it's always wrong. It's never right from mother fuckers. For me, Portilla's is almost always wrong too. It used to be anyway. It's not as bad as it was, but for a long time, I'd be like, dude I ordered a combo and there's no sausage. And you're like, but it's a combo. Like it means, it's not, it's not, it's just an oh. It's like there's no calm at all. It's like there's no

sausage on this, on this Italian beef. By the way, if you're not from Chicago and you wouldn't know this, a combo is Italian beef with an Italian sausage inside of it. So you take Italian beef and you put it in there and then you put an Italian sausage on it. And then if you're a Chicagoan, you cover that with giardinara or mozzarella cheese and then giardinara and then you eat it. And it is heaven. It is literally heaven.

It is the greatest sandwich. I don't know that there's a better sandwich than a combo. I don't know that there is. I think that that might be the pinnacle of all sandwiches. There's no better legal sandwich. It... LAUGHS Maybe you could get one at like a royal person's orgy,

but you can't get a better sandwich legally. Like a sandwich of like Molly and meth. Like, I don't know, maybe that's better. I don't know. I'm a law-abiding citizen. Genuinely, outstanding sandwich. I'm not invited to the orgies. But I'll tell you what though,

sometimes you order from Petals, you'll be like, but they forgot half the combo. I know, dude, I know. And don't get me wrong, it's still either Italian sausage or it's an Italian beef, and both of those are amazing. Still gonna eat it. But it's not as good as the combo.

No, it's not. And it's not the combo. It's not. And like, you know, when you think you're going to get your dead dad returned from your Cuban vacation. How terrible would this be? They just like lose it.

And instead somebody sends you a Russian guy. Could you imagine getting the wrong body? And then being like, I don't think this is what I ordered. Plus then what do you do with the dead Russian guy? They shipped him a dead Russian guy. And then you got to ship it back and the kitchen staff's all mad at you because you sent it back. Well, it's like so hard to fix the label onto him and like,

then you gotta like drive him to the fucking UPS store, box him up and everything. It's a whole thing. It really is a something. It's a whole thing. And then you can't get his arm back in there, it keeps popping out. You're like, come on, man. I just try to tape the box up all awkward and shit. No, I can't ship it like that. There's an arm hanging out of it.

It's gonna catch on the fucking belt! Do you have some scissors? They did it like in this story. They send this family some tattooed Russian dude instead of fucking dad. Could you imagine? They still don't know where dad's at. That's so crazy. So Russian. Yeah I know.

Like that's like, you don't think this was a simple one for one swap. They're calling other FedEx depots. Like, um, you got a, like a Cuban guy. We got the wrong one. There's some, there's somebody like, you know, they think they've got like a thing of cigars. Hey, you want a Cuban? They open it up and it's just like some dude, some dead, some dead dad rolled up in a cigar wrapper.

It's like when I was a kid and I used to take the cigar wrapper and put it as a ring. If you're this Russian family, you don't have your Russian family member. And you can't even swap these because you don't know who that is. Yeah, are they holding them hostage? Is it like you got to negotiate the center here? To pass notes to like a neutral third party? And a neutral third party and Canada's not one of them? Did they check to see if this Russian guy was running for office?

If there was a fucking dead Russian guy, I would not touch it. I'm sure it's covered. Yeah, no, 100%. It's covered in poison. In an hour, there's like a Putin stooge at your door. That's like when you find like a fucking suitcase full of heroin and you're like, no, I didn't. Nope. No, I didn't.

No idea. No, I've never been here. We're walking down this way. Wherever I've been, no, I haven't. Nope. No, I didn't. Nope. No idea. Nope. I've never been here. We're walking down this way. Yup. Wherever I've been, no, I haven't. I've never been here. Absolutely. It was like a British Royal coming back. Sorry, that was mine. It's for the party.

It's for the party. Do you know any girls? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's get to wrap it up for this week. Funny show back on Monday with a whole show for you.

We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptic screen. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue. Hypno Babylon bullshit couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble pseudo quasi alternative acupunctuating pressurized stereogram pyramidal free energy healing water downward spiral brain dead pan sales pitch late night info docutainment. Leo Pisces cancer cures detox reflex, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques and synagogues, temples,

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