Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 776: Anti Woke Water, Banning a Book about Book Bans

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

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This episode of Cognitive Dissonance is brought to you by our patrons. You fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glorial Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Dissonance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way, we bring critical thinking, skepticism and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big or makes us mad. It's skeptical, it's political,

and there is no welcome mat. Today, Cecil, when you're hearing this at least, is the 4th of July. It's the 4th of July. It is Independence Day and in honor of Independence, our wonderful, talented, employee Sarah. That's the wrong music. No, I don't know.

It's all the same to me. Any of that swelling, orchestral shit all feels the same. She And the rocket's red glare That's right, Cecil. The bombs bursting in air The most American shirts that have ever been in all the...

I'm moving my microphone. My glasses, I'm sold. I can't even see, Tom. I can't even see the thing to zoom in. I want to tell the audience what we've got here. The most American possible shirt. Move over. There you go.

Now I'm going to move the mic this way. American shirts. We've got not just a wolf howling at the moon. Yeah, no, not just the wolf. No, because that's, I mean, as good as that is. And it is good. That's good. That's good. It's not as good.

It's not as American. What's the second thing that's howling, Tom? An eagle. A bald eagle. A bald eagle. Caw-caw! Is cawing at the moon. And then of course the centerpiece,

the pièce de distance The bombs bursting in air. It's amazing is Jesus in an American flag row does he has more than one gun to and Outfitted with an AR-15 and guns. Yes guns as well He's got big guns. Yeah guns for the for the Gun Show. A couple of different kinds. How patriotic do you feel right now? That's how you write now. Wearing these shirts.

Gosh, man. My freedom. I feel the freedom coming out of my pores. I have a freedom heart on. I'm wearing the same thing. Time got me a freedom. We are matching today with... Matchy, matchy. Fourth of July, baby.

So we got a Fourth of July show for you, a funny show with also some horrible stories. Does your neighborhood light up with fireworks like crazy? So I have... My cats are normally pretty good, but Thunder scares my cats. They don't like Thunder. And I think they learned it from the older one who doesn't like Thunder. So the two young ones, they take their cues from the old one. And so when he scrambles, they scramble. And so, because they think, well, shit, clearly there's a wrecking ball coming towards me. And then there's like a wheel of fur and claws

and they just shoot somewhere underneath of something. And so they don't like thunder. So for the most part, little pops don't matter. Right. But it's the fucking half sticks of dynamite and the 25 minute mortar thing that goes off down the street that really will, that'll kind of freak them out. So yeah, it goes, but yes, to answer your question,

it's pretty much insanity here until about four in the morning. I don't care that much on the 4th of July. I feel like I'm willing to concede the day, right? I'll concede the day. It's gonna be garbage anyway. To the Yahoos. Yeah, it's garbage.

Set your house on fire, whatever you wanna, blow your fingers off, whatever you wanna do to celebrate your liberty. Explodinate. It's fine. Go buy Chinese fireworks and go to the emergency room for freedom. Whatever it is that you want to do. What makes me crazy is this like the week leading up to and like leading after where just intermittent explosions that randomly

happened. What is that? So far this year it's been low. So we are at this point, five or six days, six to seven days. And I have only heard a couple of big bangs and some pops. There hasn't been a lot. I don't think that, I think that the air just isn't saturated with freedom like it normally is. I don't think that's the thing. My new neighborhood is much less freedom heavy than my old neighborhood. My old neighborhood was dripping with freedom.

And the freedom rained down like cordite from the sky for two solid weeks. Wouldn't you like to just stand outside and be like a live streamer outside of a fucking emergency room? And just watch all those people coming in. I just interview them about their freedom. They're just holding like a bloody rag in their hand as they walk in. I learned, I learned at a young age, don't fuck with fireworks.

I burned the shit out of my hand with a bottle rocket once. Did you? Yeah, I was aiming it. I think I told the story once. I was aiming it at a train, like an asshole. Yeah, sure. Trains coming by. And there's a lot of wind.

So I cut my hands and I lit the fuse and I had it in a bottle, or I had it in my hand I think and I was gonna throw it. And what happened was is I lit it but the fuse was blown by the wind so much that it basically was like a fast fuse and it immediately started shooting that shit out

and it fused my hand to it immediately. So I had to tear it on my hand and throw it. And I was really, really burnt for a long time. And I was like, that I'll never do that again. Learned about that really. And I was like, never do that again. And so like many years later, there was a bunch of people who bought a bunch of fireworks. And I'd be like, I'll be over here with Zima or whatever.

They ain't doing that. Yeah. I played with fireworks like every teenage boy plays with fireworks, but I feel like fairly swiftly I was done with fireworks, you know, I never got hurt. Thank God. I never got hurt but like By the time I was in 18 19. It was like hey you want to do fireworks like no, I don't I don't I'm bored already I the fireworks I do are nowhere near as good as the fireworks. I can go see I know and there's no cleanup Yeah, I go see him and know. And there's no cleanup. Yeah.

I go see them and somebody else does all the work and they're better. Why do I want to spend my money having a shitty display that scorches the driveway and then I got to sweep up later? That's a bad time to me. The amount of money you have to spend on fireworks and then in order to really enjoy them, like get your money's worth out of them, you've got to light them when it gets dark, which is like 1130 at night. And then you've got to light them and you've got to light them one at a time. Because if you light them like a bunch at a time, you're just like, and you're like,

oh, no, I'm done. It's stupid. Instead you want to light them up. And so everything's just a bottle rocket. And after a while you just sit back and you think, why am I doing this over and over? My friends would buy, I had friends who bought fireworks every year. They traveled to Indiana and come back.

Cause in Illinois you cannot, you could not. I don't know if you can anymore now, but you certainly couldn't when I was younger. But if you're an eyelash over the border, there's nothing but fireworks. They will stuff them down your pants. They'll just like reach down your pants and be like, welcome to Indiana, here's some fireworks, boy.

When you cross the border. Here's a gun you don't need a permit for. And a fucking, yeah. When you're driving on I-80 and you cross the border into Indiana, it is a, like it is nonstop fireworks and strip clubs for like at least 20 miles. Forever. Yeah. They give you, they give you bullets that you don't need an ID to buy.

Yes. I forgot about that. They give you a, I remember walking in there and being like, hey, here's my floor. We like, we don't take that around here boy. I'm like, so you just sell bullets to anybody who wants them. Yep. Yep. If you got cash, you got bullets. I will be leaving Indiana very shortly.

With these bullets. But yeah, they do that. They give you, you can either buy ammo or you could buy bottle rockets or you could buy the smell of fertilizer and cow shit. That's the, you don't actually buy it. That's free.

Free smells. The trailer meth, the free smells of Jimmy John's. Free smells, baby. They should put the free smell sign up on the trailer that the meth is being made out of. Free smells! Can't even just fucking fall right back over. Oh, God.

Alright, well let's get started. Speaking of free smells. This story comes from Korea Jongang Daily. North Korea flies 260 feces-filled balloons across the border to the south. I got to show a picture of this. You guys, this is a second time now in recent history. It's a poop balloon that North Korea has just tied balloons to like they did this with garbage not that long ago.

It's cigarette butts and stuff. It looks like a turn. Now they're sending their turds over. It looks like why no it's a bag, but it looks like one turd Here's the thing about this, you know You have to touch it. Yeah, man Like I never understood the people who was saying, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna collect some poop in a bag And I'm gonna put it on Joe's

I'm gonna collect some poop in a bag and I'm gonna put it on Joe's fucking stoop and I'm gonna light it on fire and he's gonna stomp on it. But you gotta get it dirty in it first. Like, I don't know how you show somebody something by you getting poop on you. That doesn't... I don't understand. I'm covered in shit, but so are you, okay? But you were covered in shit first and on purpose. So who's the idiot? Did you ever prank people like that with like a bag of poop or anything?

I've never done the poop prank. Have you done the poop prank? No, never. I wasn't a prank kid that much. Yeah, I feel like North Korea, their prank war game here is honestly a little, a little, little weak. It's a little low. What are they gonna, ding-dong ditch him? They're gonna run over to the little like walkway that they can press the button and then they run real fast. At my old house that when I just moved from, we got ding dong ditched a number of times

when we first moved in. And I thought it was delightful. Did you? I was like, I've never been ding dong ditched before. This is great. I am no longer the ding dong ditcher. I am the ding dong ditch E. This is like a, it was a rite of passage to be ding-dong ditched.

I thought it was great. Like, cause you know somebody is running around, like, just chortling with mirth and delight. And like, of the pranks that you can get pranked, that's one of the least, least impactful. It's like you wasted 15 seconds of my time. Way better than you getting some gloves on and picking up poop and putting it in a, like surgically placing it in a bag and then all that work. Or like balancing it on like your dad's trowel, like gardening trowel. You're not going to clean it when you put it back or whatever.

Because kids are shit, right? They just like use your stuff. I did that to my dad all the time. He would have like all these tools and shit in the garage and I would just use it for whatever I wanted and then like leave it out in the rain. Cause I was an asshole kid. It made him crazy because that's his stuff. This is, this is where we're at now guys. Let me just read, I'm going to read chunks of this. This is from the tele-hassy Democrat challenges our authority school board in Florida bans book about book bans.

When you open this book it's a Russian nesting dollop of books. You open it up and then you reach in. I just I gotta read some of this article because it's so we've just descended into such fucking like circle jerk like O a Boris chaos right now I don't even know school officials in Indian River County have banned a book about book banning the school board last month voted to remove ban this book by Alan Gratz from its shelves overruling its own district book review committee's decision to keep it the children's novel follows a fictional fourth grader who creates a secret banned books locker library after school board pulled a multitude of decision to keep it. The children's novel follows a fictional fourth grader who creates a secret

banned books locker library after a school board pulled a multitude of titles off the shelves. The school board members said they disliked how it referenced other books that had been removed from the schools. You have to scrub your memory. You have to go to see that guy from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You have to remove every knowledge, every piece of knowledge of like fucking all boys are blue or something. Yeah. We're Voldemorting the books. Like just a book that must not be named.

You can't name it or you go get some fucking detention or whatever. How fucking afraid of an idea are you? Like whack your knuckles with a ruler. You can only read it if you have no nose or whatever. Like fucking Voldemort. This is, this is fucking insane. I want to read what the author had to say about it. You can only read it if you have no nose or whatever, like fucking Voldemort. This is fucking insane. I want to read what the author had to say about it.

So scroll down just a little bit because it's fucking crazy. He says, like all the Indian River County decision, incredibly ironic. Quote, they banned the book because it talks about the books that they have banned and because it talks about book banning. I bet he had a- This is inception level book banning. He had a bet with somebody that he could get a sentence in the news banning it that many times. I, you know, like, if only Steve Bannon was the one who called-

Oh, Steve Bannon bans a book? Steve Bannon bans a book about book bans? This is like, this is a crazy like- This is a pick a peck a book of peckers. Steve Bannon bans a book about book banning. I can't even, I'm not crazy like, tongue twister. Pick a pack of Book of Packers. Steve Bannon bans a book about book banning. I'm not even sure I can do it. Steve Bannon bans the books about book banning.

Well that's really actually hard. Florida you fucking lost the thread. You have fucking completely lost the thread. These people. What are you so afraid of? They're terrified of any kind of information. And it's so funny because like, they're the ones who scream about cancel culture. They're the ones who say, oh, cancel

culture is so bad. It's so ridiculous. Can't do anything anymore. And you're like, you're the ones canceling things. And for kids, you're the ones who, you're the one who goes out of your way. You're the snowflake who's so hurt by this that you need it canceled. Well, and like what a huge difference too. Like cancel culture, if you're gonna accept that anything such as cancel culture exists, the way that it would work is that organically,

people decide they've had enough of whatever bullshit is out there. And they make a big fuss about it. Just people in mass. And then make a big fuss about it, just people in mass. And then as a result, there's some action where somebody is like persona non grata anymore, right? That's like, that's typical. Can't get a job anymore.

Right, or somebody shows up to speak and they are deplatformed, right? But book banning is an institutional decision. It is a decision by those in power to reduce access. It is not the same thing as like when people from the grassroots up. That's why they like it though then. That is.

Because they like authoritarianism. They don't like the other way around. Cecil, and that's actually a great point. Scroll up in the article. Let me see the article at the top again, because they actually say that without saying it. Because what they say is that the school board accused it of teaching rebellion of school board authority. So that is actually literally it.

They are authoritarians who see this book as a challenge to their authoritarianism, to their top-down control as the party of small government, of course, as their top-down control of the thoughts and minds of small children. Which is why they hate the idea of cancel culture or consequence culture, because they want to be able to say, I can say whatever I want because the way in which I say it, whatever I want is through my authority. That's exactly right. That's exactly right.

Yeah. This story is so fucking heartwarming. This is a feel gooder. This is so good. This is a feel-gooder. This is so good. This is a feel-gooder, guys. CNN, a pet donkey disappeared in California five years ago. He's been spotted living with a herd of wild elk. You guys, he's not just living with the herd of wild elk.

He's their protector. He's living his best life and he's like their... It's so adorable. It's because humans like to keep other pets and things and like to have inter-spaces relationships. We also think other things need inter-species relationships too. So like when, you know, the seal and the penguin

like curl up together, we're like, aw. Like they're buddies. And we're the same way when it comes to this, we're like, aw. So I'm gonna play this. The donkey and the elk. I'm gonna play this video just so you could see it. I just bumped these elk and there's a donkey with it. Look at the donkey. He's with them. He's their buddy. I can't get rid of the thing out there. I'm sorry. There it is. He's just walking with him, chilling.

This guy's a hunter out hunting. And he's like, he spots this herd of elk and he just sees this fucking burrow. Just chilling out. What I love is that, is that like you said, in the wild, they're, they'll chase away predators. That's why you keep them around to your livestock is because they'll bar their teeth. They'll kick at them. They'll make a bunch of noise. They can get pretty vicious.

And they can get vicious. They can bite people and pull... I've seen... There's a video. I don't know if it was a horse or a mule. I don't know which one it was, but there's a guy like beating it, like smacking it, like hitting it. And then he turns to walk away and it grabs him by the back of the neck and just fucking, it looked like it gave him whiplash like you wouldn't believe

because it pulls him to the ground. And you're like, yeah, it's fucking neck muscles are the size of your fucking torso. Of course it's going to pull you like it wants to whenever it wants to, wherever it wants to. Everything in nature is so much stronger than we are. Have you seen the video, just a quick aside, have you seen the video of like these big jack, huge jack gym guys playing tug of war with one lioness?

No. It's amazing. There's this video where there's like, seriously, three, four, five, I don't know how many, big giant gym guys, like fucking huge guys, right? And they've all got this rope and they're tugging for all their worth and these are big fuckers, right? And there've all got this rope and they're tugging for all their worth and these are big fuckers, right?

And there's this like lioness on the other side, one lioness and she's just dug in and she's dragging them. And she's like, she doesn't even look like she's trying. Dude, that is, and that's the thing is they're like what? Like three or 400 pounds and then you make it fight you, right? So it's not just that it's three or 400 pounds of animal, it's three or 400 pounds of muscle pushing away from you. Right. So it's not just that it's three or 400 pounds of animal. It's three or 400 pounds of muscle pushing away from you. Every part of that thing was designed

to be strong and all we're designed to do is go to MIT and launch rockets to Mars. That's what we're supposed to do and vote for the worst candidate. Jesus fucking Christ. Stories from the independent. Jesus fucking Christ. Florida man sneezes his intestines out of his body at restaurant. So I read this to Haley and she's like, that's you. That's kind of what I sneeze. I am known.

I sneeze a lot. I sneeze for no reason. I sneeze like 10, 11 times in a row. So as soon as I read this to her, she's like, that's you. That's a 100% you. This guy went out to dinner to celebrate getting his staples removed after a, this is so sad, he had cancer surgery,

they removed his fucking bladder. He had his staples removed that day and he's like, told his wife, he's like, let's go out and celebrate, I'm doing a lot better. He goes out to the restaurant, sneezes, coughs, and basically shits his own intestines into his shirt. He disembowels himself. And he's sitting there. I wonder if you look down and he's like, well cool, I could fit more now.

Yeah, right? Order the dessert! Bring the dessert! See, so this happens to you, right? You're sitting at the diner, you're sitting at the counter, this is how it happens. You sneeze, you're like, oh, something wet. You look down, those are your intestines. They're outside your body. Now you've been eviscerated. You've got a call ambulance. You finished the food. You finished the food, thank you, thank you.

I knew what you were gonna ask. The A-month is gonna take some time. It's gonna be a while. The food's gonna get cold if you don't eat it. It's gonna be a while. You eat, you drink, be merry, you know? Then you go to the hospital and you have them Like a fucking magician stuff those things Poke them in there whatever

What the fuck happen now That should happen to you you should be out just eating it and sneezing then what You got will Wallace, man. Fucking what? That's insanity. I was incredulous. I was standardized. I was like, that didn't happen. That couldn't happen. It's insanity. I literally told Haley, I was like, if I ever see my own intestines, I want to die immediately. I never want to see my intestines, man. At that point, you're just like, alright, I'm in.

You're not having, there's no way you've had a good day. Right? If you see your own intestines, it's the worst day ever. It really is the worst day ever. You can't have a worst day in that. It's the worst day. That's it. And I'm not talking about watching your colonoscopy.

I'm talking about your intestines are out. It's like, oh, if you eat your meal, do you watch them go through your intestines? Because you kind of. You're like, oh, that's what that taco looks like. Dude, when I got a colonoscopy, that fucking drugs they make you do is insanity. Like they walk up and they say, yeah, we're going to, you know, we're going to give you a little bit of something to like numb you now.

So they give you a little bit of something. They put it in your IV or whatever. And then you walk over and he's like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to give you a little bit of drugs here. He's like, it's going to sting a little. And then he starts it. He's like, he's like, I'm starting to now I'm like, Oh, that does sting. It was that, it was that instantaneous.

And then they bring me over to the fucking, they start to wake me up. Right. And she says, are you awake? Are you awake? And I said, yeah, I'm awake. I'm here. And then they bring me over to the fucking, they start to wake me up, right? And she says, are you awake? Are you awake? And I said, yeah, I'm awake. I'm here. And then she said, she said, cause you were, you were being a little combative. It's so weird to have somebody say, yeah, you know, you, your brain, the part that's you that remembers all the stuff about you, that part wasn't on. Right.

But we still had a conversation with you. That's super weird. That's so fucking weird, man. This party was like, you didn't have a conversation with me. You had a conversation with the ghost in the machine, and I don't like that. That is like talking for me, and I'm, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Please don't ever do that. Don't do that for me again.

If she would have never told me that, I would have been so content for the rest of my life. As soon as I was laying there, I was like, I didn't do that, what the fuck? I was like, god damn, that's gonna fuck with me. That's gonna be a brain fuck for the rest of my life that I had a conversation that I didn't have. That's it, that's it.

Like, when I had my back surgery, I felt this, like they wheeled me into the room and they're like, okay, so we're going to like, same thing. Like we're going to help you relax or whatever. And I'm like, okay, cool. I'm awake now. And I had back surgery. That was that.

It was like that. And I was like, what in the shit? Like you just get turned all the way off. Shut you off. And then somebody turns you all the way back on again. And's like that's dying. Well, that that's what dying but the Twilight stuff that they do to you So I haven't done Twilight. Yeah, that's a full fuck off. That's why I like stuff is Exactly the same thing except for in this case. The guy said it's way safer than regular anesthesia The guy was talking to me. He's like it's so much safer

He's like, it's so much safer. He's like, because we can shut your brain off and it doesn't like shut any of the important shit down that makes you go, it just shuts your consciousness off. And he's like, so it's gonna be real easy. Cause the doctor was telling me all this beforehand. And I was like, oh, it sounds great. I'm like, I don't care, whatever, just put me in there. And then as soon as they were done

and the nurse told me, I was like, I don't like that at all. Yeah, man. I was more nervous about like getting turned off and turned on again than I was about the actual like spinal surgery. I bet. I bet. I bet. I'm like, you guys have that on lock.

Yeah, no, they know what's up. Yeah. I don't like that you can turn my brain off. I don't like that either. Like that's the main part of me. Listeners, what do you think? And have you ever had a weird anesthesia experience? Let us know.

All right. So this one comes from The Guardian. They're out of control! Flock of a hundred feral chickens torments village. I wonder if they come up to the doors of people and they're like, put your babies in this carton. When the chickens fight back. They're in Norfolk. Norfolk. They're in Norfolk. Norfolk.

They're in Norfolk. Norfolk. They're in Snælheim, Norfolk. It says, birds are destroying their gardens while food left out for them is attracting rats. No, they've got to deal with the rats. There's so many levels of problem here. They're going to have, first they're going to have to get a fly.

Then they got to get a spider. That's how it feels. It's the whole thing. Cecil, couldn't this entire problem be solved with buffalo sauce though? I feel like... I mean, isn't it pretty simple to not have a chicken problem? I feel like, I feel, you know, I won't say that what you need is a cat because chickens are fucking big, man.

They're big animals. They're pretty big. They're pretty big. They could get big. But I will say like one fox and you don't have a chicken problem anymore. Or like some panko. Yeah. You know, and you don't have a chicken problem. You can get a little peanut oil.

I feel like this is a problem that solves itself. All right. Well, let's tune it down a little. Okay. This story is just a giant. What the fuck? What the fuck? what the fuck? This is from Sky News.

West Virginia white couple alleged to have kept five adopted black children locked in the barn and used as slaves. These guys, first of all, look like the kind of white people that would have children locked in a barn and kept as slaves. When you see the picture of them, and there's nothing to say about how they look,

like I'm not making fun of how they look, I'm just saying that they look like a type of person. Yes. They look like a person who, when they go around to the neighbors and they say, do you believe that they had people in their fucking basement hidden? And everyone's like, yeah, no, I totally believe it. Yeah, 100%. No, absolutely. Barbara and Bill, fucking for sure. Sure. If they didn't have kids in there, I would be surprised.

This story is really genuinely horrifying. This is one of those things though that like, you know, this is why we need a good social safety net. This is why we need good government. This is why we need more funding for these programs to make sure these kids are safe. Yes. More, what we need more funding for these programs to make sure these kids are safe. More, what we need is more. We don't need less, right?

Less gets you cutting corners, less gets you people that aren't qualified or that are terrible people having these children. Instead you need more. And then you need more incentive, right? Because that's one of the things that happens with foster children is they get,

they wind up getting something for it too. They get a little bit of assistance from the government. That's what foster children, they help those people out. So there's an opportunity for somebody to care for the child, but that also get a little help with raising that child. There just needs to be more incentive on that end so that more people and more qualified people

will be like, yes, just like, I mean, just like fucking teachers, man. There's a reason why you need incentive behind it so that you get more people who want to do it. And you get the right people to do it. You also, we need some checks and balances here, right? Because the social workers in this country are so overworked. These people have stacks on stacks on stacks of cases

that they've got to work. And once a child's adopted out, there's often no followup after a certain period of time with any kind of social work. It depends on the type of adoption. It might not be any followup at all. So these are like really at risk people. Like these kids are really, really at risk people.

And we have like essentially no checks and balances to these systems that are long-term and are well-funded and are well-staffed. And this kind of abuse is unfortunately way too possible. Tom, I put this one in here for you. I know you did, Cecil. I put this one in here for you, because sometimes you need a little bit of good news.

Ha ha ha ha. Bacon ice cream and nugget overloads sees misfiring McDonald's AI withdrawn. McDonald's is removing artificial intelligence powered ordering technology from its drive through restaurants in the US after customers shared its comical mishaps online. Have you used it? I have not. Have you? I have one time.

Really? How did you know? Because it says it says it is like it announces that it is. Oh, it says that this is a, you know, like this is an AI that's going to take your order here. And then I just said what I wanted and it took my order. Any problems? There was no problems with me, but I have a real simple order. Right. Right.

You know, like I just I don't like pickles on my sandwich. So I just say no pickles. And then that's it. And then it was good. It was okay with that. Right. Right. I didn't try to get anything crazy.

And I think when you try to shift off script, it does not know what's now like shift it off script. From what I'm to understand from this article, what the AI system really wants is to put bacon on your ice cream. And this was a moment see, so I have to admit the AI knows best. Bacon on, have you ever had bacon ice cream? I've had bacon ice cream. It's so, so I've made bacon ice cream. And this was a moment, see, so I have to admit the AI knows best. Bacon on, have you ever had bacon ice cream? I've had bacon ice cream. It's so, I've made bacon ice cream.

I want to tell a story. Candied bacon and ice cream? Outstanding. So good. I want to tell a story. So we go to Reason Con and we're at Reason Con and I'm hanging out. I was at a table.

I think it was the table where they were doing the banquet and you and I were at the table with Eli and them. And there was a big, they had a presentation that they showed on a screen and a couple people had left the room. And I was sitting there and one of our listeners comes up and says, hey Cecil, can I offer you a donut? And I said, sure.

And he said, why don't you try one of these bacon donuts? So he had a bacon maple donut. Fuck yeah. From one of these local North Carolina places. And he let me try it and I ate it. I was like, this could be one of the better donuts I've had in my life. Now the best donut I ever had was in the Barcelona airport,

but this is probably top five easy. It was that good. And I remember I called you over because I think you either got a taste of it or you bought something, but he brought a whole like half dozen for us. And you and I were just like pounding them over there because they were fucking amazing.

They were amazing. Outstanding. And bacon can be an amazing flavoring agent for things that are savory, but then also things that are sweet. Yeah. I think McDonald's AI here, maybe, and I can't believe I'm saying this, maybe we should listen. Because here are the mistakes it made.

One, it wanted to put bacon on ice cream real bad. It made this mistake a lot. We should listen to it. Yeah, sure. Two, it wanted you to get more chicken nuggets. I don't know about you, but on the rare occasions I've had chicken nuggets, I've never been like, couldn't eat another chicken nugget. When instead I'm like, I'm out of chicken nuggets. That's how I know I'm done.

I haven't had nuggets since I was, it's been a long, long time. It's been a long time. I don't know that I could eat a nugget. I actually have not ordered nuggets on purpose. I think they're really greasy. I don't think I could order a nugget. I haven't had a nugget in, God, it's gotta be 25 years.

We gotta get chicken nuggets now. We gotta try them. Really? We gotta try them. They're made of like the chopped up shit, right? Oh, sure. They're not like, it's not like a tender, where there's like this is-

Where it's identifiable? Identifiable, you could be like, that came from here on the chicken or whatever. When you're eating a McDonald's chicken nugget, I'm fairly certain in one bite you're eating like four to five thousand chicken pieces. I think they went to that village in whatever, in Norfolk, and they just collect them all,

they stuff them into one nugget, they just put a hundred chickens in a press and it goes, ta-da! And then you get one you get one I you know my favorite thing because I think it's there's two favorite food things I have that remind me the nuggets remind me of I Feel like it's the most disrespectful hilarious thing ever when you make a chicken nugget shaped like a dinosaur I love the idea of shaping one animal into another animal

I just think it's like, yeah, we killed you. And then we shaped you into something cooler and then ate it. And then we ate it. And we ate it. I also love when you take a crab and you serve it in its own carcass. Like you take it, it's like,

its body becomes a display for this food. I wanna go like that. I wanna go like that, 100%. Carve me out. 100%. Scoop me out the middle. Fill me up like a crab. T want to go like that. 100%. Carve me out. 100%. Scoop me out the middle. Fill me up like a crab.

Toss me with like a Mornay sauce and just put me right back in there. It just always looks so funny to be like, yeah, we used this cadaver as a bowl. That's how I want it. As a presentation dish. It's so fucked up. I will say that this is an example of, you know how they always say like AI is going to be the thing that creates the revolution for certain things. So they say, we're going to feed into it all the data we have on this thing and that'll

come up with a brand new solution for the thing. It did that with bacon ice cream. I mean, it did that. It was like, no, we're going to put you, I'm going to just let me do this. Let me re-work your menu. I'm going to make, it's not just going to be a six, a 10 and a 20 piece. It's going to be a six, 10, 20 and a 15,000 piece and then bake an ice cream. You know, maybe I've read some articles about the possibility of AI, online AI therapists,

which by the way sounds terrible, but I've read some articles about the possibility of AI, online AI therapists, which by the way, sounds terrible. But I've read some articles about it. What if the ordering system and the therapy system got their wires crossed here? You pull up to the thing and it's like, you seem sad. Maybe some bacon ice cream. You'd like some bacon ice cream and or a thousand nuggets. All right. This story comes from Katu2, ABC. Katu. Katu2. Dead whale on Oregon beach will not be blown up.

History is not repeating itself. Fine. Stupid. One of the first viral videos ever. Yeah. It's really genuinely, if you've seen this, I'm sure you've seen this, it's the video of the explosion of a whale. They basically stuff this whale with a bunch of fucking explosives.

There's a guy who's talking about it for a minute, and then they can't pan the camera back, and then they fucking light this whale up like they nuked it from orbit, and it fucking shits its fucking rotting flesh in a giant umbrella of fucking gore over the entire Beach it's the funniest thing because it's exactly and only what could have happened

You're gonna aerosol eyes And you're like nuts. That's exactly what I was hoping for. Giant chunks of whale were blown hundreds of meters, like landed on people's cars and shit like big chunks to giant chunks. This was a spurt. Like in the video, it's a sperm whale. It's a big ass fucking whale. This one is a humpback whale that washes up. They're like, well, I guess we won't try to explode it because that would be insane.

They just put like a brick of bad black cats in it. It's not doing anything. It's kinda just moving its mouth. Its tail is flapping. Its tail is moving a little bit. When the smoke comes out the blow hole, that's it. I, on the original video, I've always wondered what do you think your best case scenario was?

Like, did you think it would just become pink mist of like rotting pink clouds of whale juice? There's tonnages of it floating about in the sky. I can't understand how this, somebody had to propose this. It's like an engineer. He's got a blueprint and on the back of the blueprint is like, you ever play the game Burger Time?

Yeah, there's like a bunch of them in a tree and he's like, you're gonna have to run back and forth on it on the tree and drop it down. What did you think would happen? I don't know, man. I don't know, bro. It's so great. It's so good though that they're like,

no, we are not doing that again. We're not blowing it up. We learn from our mistakes. This is the one place in America that's learned from mistakes. Part of me wishes they would try it again. Just like, I don't know, maybe we got unlucky. You just goad him into it. The first time. You cowards. This story comes from the Houston Chronicle, cron.com.

Texas library must reinstate books with butts and farts. Court says I want to show the picture is I, the book is called, I need a new book. That's the best book ever. Okay. Look at, first of all, here's what's great about this picture is this, this kid and he's bent over and his drawers are pretty much fallen over and his ass crack is out, but he's got rosy cheeks and rosy cheeks. Hey, rosy cheeks? He's got a pair of... He's got quad cheeks that are rosy. Quad cheeks!

Yeah. Oh, God. It's great. Well, what creeps me out about this is look at this thing. Look at this picture. This looks like nothing. It looks like a family circus fucking cartoon. It's nothing, right? Right. But they talk about it as if it's supposed to be sexual and they need to get these sexual books out.

And you're like, dude, you're making a family circus cartoon sexual. No one else is doing that. Right? Like nobody else but you. Maybe you need to like look inward home. This needs to be a lot of look inward moments. This is like jerking off to the love is kids, you know? Like...

Jesus Christ. Look, like, look, I know they're naked. Jesus Christ. But like, don't be weird about it, all right? Someone's got a body pillow with a love is kids. Jesus Christ, man. Someone's got a body pillow Never coming back we're done. That's it. We're fucking done People who have no idea what that is like look up what it's a comic comic book Yeah, comic and it was like a cut a comic strip. It's a comic book.

Yeah. And it was like a cutesy comic strip that had like, they were adults, but they were naked. I think they were like angels. Yeah. They were like, they were supposed to be like cherubs or something. Cherubs or something. And then they're like, love is making her chicken soup or something.

Yeah. It was just adorable. Whatever. Homer Simpson famously describes it as like he says one point He says what you need is a little comic called love is it's about two naked eight-year-olds that are married Yeah, they're trying it they're banning butts and farts of the courts like no bus and farts are fine stop it enough go lay down Bring the farts are fine. Stop it. Go lay down. That's enough. Bring the farts back. You can take my life, but you'll never take my farts. I'm reading this whole article. It's from Yahoo News. Anti-woke water becomes a hit for conservatives who brag about the

unapologetic drink. Oh, there's a video. Okay. So let's, oh, we should watch this. I didn't watch this cause I read this. All right. So we're going to watch this video. Now, when you hear the echo, you are hearing it's being played on a TV at like a rally.

So what we're hearing is the people at the conventions view of this. They're showing the video, but we're not hearing the actual sound of the video. So while you watch it and hear it, understand that it's being played in an auditorium. Choice of water can make a statement. What if it could symbolize your commitment to values

like freedom, individuality, and self-reliance? Freedom to owe water isn't just about what's inside the bottle, it's about the message it sends with every sip. With labels like, this water isn't free but your speech is, it's not just refreshing, it's rebellious, and it's unapologetic to drink this in public. Can you freaking believe it? But that's where we are. It's a reminder that even the most ordinary acts like taking a sip of water can be infused with meaning and purpose. By choosing to drink Freedom 2.0, you're not just choosing a brand.

You're choosing to stand up for what you believe in. Try Freedom 2.0 and tag me in your Instagram story for repost. Hold on. Drink break! Tom? Cecil. Isn't there a movie where they have like, like some sort of like Brando, the thirst quencher or whatever? Idiocracy, man.

There's like a movie. Like we are. We're there. When did we? I know when we slipped in. I'm not even going to. I don't even know if you have to answer it. We know.

Look, I know you know this, but like. I'm drinking freedom water. The costume designers for Idiocracy needed shoes that would look particularly stupid for Idiocracy and they had a low budget for the costumes, a low budget movie. And they found a fledgling company on like Kickstarter selling these really ugly shoes.

And they bought a whole bunch of them. And if you watch that movie, they're all wearing the same shoes. And the shoes they're wearing are fucking Crocs, man. We are in Croc land right now. Those are the shoes they're wearing are fucking crocs, man. We are in crock land right now. Those are the shoes from idiocracy because it's that stupid. This is like fucking Brando. It's got what plants crave, right?

This is like we're putting electrolytes in the fucking soil. Freedom to. Oh, dude, this is such a grifter. It's the griftiest grift. I love how dumb these guys and they're just looking you in and they're like, so you're going to buy this, right, stupid? You're going to, you're so stupid. You're going to buy this, right? And look at what it's doing is it's showing all the people you don't like that you don't

like them. Yeah. That's what it's doing. And then incidentally, it's like $3 a bottle, and it's called Freedom 2.0, and I'm gonna read some of their slogan. Their slogan, this thing is so, this is so insane. They know what they're doing.

Oh, they 100% know what they're doing. They 100% know what they're doing. So, their water isn't free, but your speech is, is like on their bottle, right? So that's the marketing, because it's not free. It's fucking expensive water. I know. Jesus Christ I know it's fucking insane so scroll down a little bit because there's a few pieces from this that I've just got to read yeah a six pack no a 12 pack of 16 ounce bottles cost $21 right it's not just

refreshing it's rebellious and it's a couple bucks a fucking bottle for fucking water, dude. From, you know also, this is basically like most bottled water is tap water. Yeah. Like almost all bottled water is municipal water that companies like Nestle just bottle up. It's just municipal water. Just buy a bottle of it and then just refill the bottle from your tap at home. You're not getting anything but fucking your own drinking water sold back to you and a fucking exorbitant.

Look, it's so fucking insane. So you heard her say all this nonsense. It's about the message it sends with every sip. What are you talking about? The article says it's never made clear why drinking freedom to own public would be rebellious or how the water is anti woke because it's not then there's an animated graphic and this is the best thing to inviting consumers to quote and if somebody can explain to me what this means I'll give you $5,000 cash on the spot speak your thirst protect the first. Speak your thirst. That is nothing. Speak your thirst. What could that mean? Speak your thirst.

I don't know, bro. I don't know, but could you imagine the fucking pretentious, shitty asshole conservative that you know that's drinking this that is trying to get you to notice their bottle for like 20 minutes. They're trying, they're turning it, they're setting it closer to you on the table. They're like turning the label like, oh, they're like fingering the O on O, H2O or whatever. They're just, they're 100% going gonna do everything they can to make sure you see

that they are drinking this so you could be triggered. When you just be like, dude, you're the asshole who spent four bucks on that bottle of water. Okay. But if I was a right-wing grifter, my very first thought is, why am I not selling water labeled liberal tears? Yeah. That's better. It's better.

That's better than free dumb 2-0. You're emphasizing the dumbest. So much better. Liberal tears. Liberal tears. That, that actually is a little good. Like that's actually kind of good, right? That's a fucking straight good idea.

Yeah. You guys owe it to me. If somebody goes out there and sells it, you owe me a royalty. Just a little royalty. You owe me a little royalty on it. But yeah, speak your thirst, protect the first, literally means nothing. I can't, the water also, by the way, is advertised as having a frequency of 432 Hertz.

That is absolutely necessary. You have to have something on it. I love the seriousness when you launched into this for a second. I can do it. I can do it. No, but genuinely, one of the reasons why they're gonna buy it is you gotta tell them

it's something, right? Because if not, they're just being built out of $4 worth of regular old water, Tom. You gotta tell them there's something in it. Fucking, I hope, this feels like a Cybertruck, right? Like, I wanna see it in the wild. This feels like- So I can laugh at it in the wild. Do you know that fucking grifter, that Candace Owens,

who tried to make her own phone? Yes! The America phone or whatever was called. And it was made in China. It was a freedom phone! You can put freedom on anything. Freedom cock cages! I'm telling you... But it's a cock cage!

Shut up freedom. Speak your dick, protect the second or whatever. It's controlling your cock though. It's not freedom. Specifically not. It's anti-freedom. I'm telling everybody who happens to have a lot of capital and money to burn and can jump into one of these industries, you can fucking make a killing of these people.

They're so fucking dumb. You could just roll in the cash. Dude, you literally roll. You're selling a bottle of Eagle Water, man. You're Walter White laying on a pallet of cash after you sell your fucking freedom water to them. If I could just sell my soul first, and then I could right wing grift,

I would love to right wing grift. Man, it'd be so easy to trade. It would be so easy. It's so easy, dude. Look, fucking Rudy Giuliani's selling like his coffee. His coffee. Trump is selling a Bible with a Declaration of Independence shoved up its ass.

You wanna talk about somebody who's gonna lose their balls by drinking coffee. It's Rudy Giuliani. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He would if he shits it comes out his forehead now Oh, God. All right. That's going to wrap it up for our funny show this week. Happy 4th of July. America. Your freedom in your water.

If there's any fires from the fireworks, put them out with freedom to own. It's got a frequency. It could probably be fine. All right. Let's get wrapping up for this week. We'll see you guys on Monday. We're going to leave you like we always do with the skeptics creed. Credulity is not a very good thing.

It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing.

It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's not a very good thing. It's fine. It'll be fine. All right, let's wrap it up for this week. We'll see you guys on Monday. We're gonna leave you like we always do with the Skeptics Creek. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue,

hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble, pseudo quasi alternative, acupunctuating, pressurized, stereogram, pyramidal, free energy, healing, water, downward spiral, brain dead, pan, sales pitch, late night info, docutainment. Leo Pisces, cancer cures, detox, reflex, foot massage, death in towers, tarot cards, psychic healing, crystal balls, bigfoot, yeti, aliens, churches, mosques, and synagogues, temples, dragons, giant worms, atlantis, dolphins, truthers, birthers, witches, wizards, whipped cream, cherries, and uh... nuts, shaman healers, evangelists, conspiracy, double-speak stigmata nonsense.

Expose your sides. Thrust your hands. Bloody, evidential, conclusive. Doubt even this. The opinions and information provided on this podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. All opinions are solely that of Glory Hole Studios LLC. Cognitive dissonance makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information and will not

be liable for any errors, damages, or butthurt arising from consumption. All information is provided on an as-is basis. No refunds. Produced in association with the local dairy council and viewers like you. It's time to gather loved ones together for all the holidays' best spread. Lins has great prices on all your favorite Thanksgiving items. From delicious turkey with all the fixings to mashed potatoes and yummy pies, we have everything you need to create your perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Whether it's cooking the traditional meal, completely store-bought, or a combination of both,

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