Cognitive Dissonance - Episode 821: Sasquatch Deposed and a Harbinger Duck

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

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Ontario. This episode of cognitive dissonance is brought to you by our patrons you fucking rock. Be advised that this show is not for children, the faint of heart, or the easily offended. The explicit tag is there for a reason. Recording live from Glory Hole Studios in Chicago and beyond, this is Cognitive Distance. Every episode we blast anyone who gets in our way. We bring critical thinking, skepticism, and irreverence to any topic that makes the news, makes it big, or makes us mad. It's skeptical.

It's political. And there is no welcome mat. Today is again Thursday, Wednesday, Wednesday. I don't know, it doesn't matter. Yeah, time flies when you're having fun, guys. Look, guys. It doesn't matter, you know? Time is a construct.

What, you're counting time in the apocalypse? Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's like counting the flashes in the sky. At some point, you're like, I don't know, three? Who cares, fucking, who cares? Who, I don't know, three who fucking who cares? Who cares? Doesn't matter. All right. We're gonna have some we're gonna have some fun today. I saw this story independent of you putting it in the notes. This is great from ours. Technica Florida man eats diet of butter, cheese and beef. Cholesterol oozes

from his body. So I got to put a picture up here so they could show this person's fuck I put it in the big I Embiggenated it here so we could look at it there There is there is lines of like like he is he's like his own cheeto He's created he's a guy who could, you know how Jesus touched water and turned it into water? He's a guy who could touch your pan and allow you to fry an egg. He is walking arteriosclerosis. Like he's just like this guy, he's on the carnivore diet.

He's on the carnivore diet, which is just- At a certain point, I really feel like you need to question any diet that's like, yeah, I want you to eat a stick of butter like a candy bar. Right, right. You like, you just take two of those corn on the cob things and stick it in there. Don't you just, don't you just intuitively know that's not the right call? If you're going to eat a whole stick of butter, what's your plan? Are you just going to grab it and bite it? Are you going to do shooters of butter?

What's your thought process on this? I've got to get a whole stick of butter down. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to cut it into pats. Pats. Okay. Give them all a little pat of butter.

Can I add things to them or no? I don't know. I mean, this guy's not. I feel like I want to take some cinnamon sugar. I feel like this guy. I do a little dippy dab in cinnamon sugar. Oh yeah. You know what you do is you just open up your cinnamon sugar jar and you just dip your butter in there and then you eat it. Let's see, the pads will give me a better ratio. Yeah, definitely a better ratio. I'll get a nice crust all the way around. Definitely a better ratio, Tom. So I think I could get that down. I could eat a stick of butter if I had enough cinnamon sugar. I will say this.

Like, I might go home and eat a stick of butter. Once in a while I will taste butter. I will take like a little knife or a fork to see like if this butter is butter I want out on my counter to like, because I keep butter on my counter for like bread and I decide based on whether or not like, so sometimes keep butter on my counter for like bread and I decide based on whether or not like, like, so sometimes I'll buy like Kerrygold or something else and I'll be like, do I want this out? Yeah, this one's better. I'll put this one out. And so like I've tasted, I have tasted butter, but I could not imagine taking a bite out

of butter. Like I'm fucking McGruff and it's prime. I could not imagine. I think I could get that. Now it would be be really if I got to do like some seasonings into my like maybe some like some everything bagel, everything bagel, pats. If you give me enough crab, I will get down plenty of it. I will get down a stick. Sure. No problem.

A stick. You give me enough popcorn or crab, I can get down an entire stick of butter. No problem. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, if there's a Kutucha mall, like I can do something. So, yeah.

But if it's just like, here is your pat of butter in like a fucking low carb tortilla or whatever. This dude, this dude, it's just it's like it's just cheese, meat and fucking butter. Have you ever been on one of these? It's a grease body wash, man. It's really disgusting, and his hands look grotesque. You ever been on a low carb diet? No, uh-uh.

Yeah, so I did- I'm bad at diets, man. I did low carb for a little while with my wife. My wife and I were doing, and this was, gosh, it had to be 16, 15, 16 years ago. We tried to do what they called the Atkins at the time. Yeah, I remember this. And it was good in some sense, because there's a certain part of your brain

that is like, yeah, I'm just gonna, like I ate a bunch of stuff and it's kind of full, it's like satiated, so like you're not eating kind of all the time, there's no like, like sugar sometimes can increase your thought process on how you wanna eat and whatever. I'm not a dietician, don't take my fucking word for it. But it worked for me for a little while.

But one of the things that I didn't like about it was like there's so many amazing things to eat that are off of it, right? And I don't ever want to be living my life where I'm like, oh man, I'm on this diet where I can only eat like fucking, like whatever this guy's eating like live ducks.

That diet is clackers. I don't want to be on that diet where I'm just like, yeah, man, I've got to like wrestle a bowl and like drink its blood. Like that's the only thing I can do. I want to be a guy who's like, yeah, man, I want to, if I want to have this, I want to have this. I want to have a lava cake after dinner. I wanna be a guy who's like, yeah man, if I wanna have this, I wanna have this. I wanna have a lava cake after dinner, I wanna have a lava cake.

I don't wanna do that, where I'm spending my whole life just worried about, does this fit this very rigid structure? But I did do it for a little while. And it's not for me. I like too much variety in order to do it. But there's some people who swear by this this carnivore thing and I'm like This dude's fucking this dude's entire blood was revolting

You got to really pay attention to what you're doing I would not do any of these if I didn't have doctors like doctor support I would go see a doctor before I started anything like this and like it even says like he the guy said he like he lost Some weight, but his fucking cholesterol level exceeded a thousand milligrams per deciliter that is Five times higher. Yeah five fold higher than what's recommended. It's 5W30 Like at some point when they're like, all right, we've got to discuss the viscosity of Your fucking blood. He's stuck on the side of the road

and he's dripping his blood into the oil. Like just to get home. You're still using your winter blend, man. What the fuck? What the shit? He's eating margarine so he can turn it synthetic instead. Yeah. God, these people.

And the guy's like, yeah, I feel great. I feel great. Sure, buddy. Awesome. Slip, slide, and away.. I feel great. Sure, buddy. Awesome. Slip, slide, and away. Can you imagine if he goes to a sauna though, and he's like in barefoot? Oh, you're rendering. If he barefoot, he like slips, and he can't get purchased because he's constantly sliding

because everywhere he steps, it's too warm for his coagulated fat blood. And he's just leaking it out and slipping all over the place because that's where it's closest to the fucking surface and he's collecting lard on the surface. He would leave a pile of ectoplasm like fucking Slimer. Are you kidding me? So nasty. The story is from Forging Google Caves to Donald Trump's executive order and will change Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America on its maps.

That's still nothing. I just want to be clear. That's nothing. Yeah. Do you think it goes back ever? Yes. It's the dumbest shit I ever heard. But like nobody else is recognizing it as the Gulf of America.

That's stupid. We're the only assholes who are like, Gulf of America now, NASCAR! Like that's it. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Proud to be the Gulf of America! That's so stupid. Also like, Mexico's part of North America, asshole.

I know, it's such a stupid- Jesus, so stupid. It's so stupid and so cringe, and I feel so embarrassed by America in this last, I feel like a turtle, like I wanna just shove my own head back into my body. I'm so embarrassed and cringed out by all the crazy shit that we're doing

that isn't crazy and damaging. It's just fucking annoying and fucking stupid and makes us look like yahoos. And this is one of those moments. I know. I wish that there was an alternative to And this is one of those moments. I know. I wish that there was an alternative to Google, to be honest with you. I really, there really isn't like an alternative that's this deep where I can have email and all the free shit that they give you so they can fucking mine my data and send me shit

all the time. But I feel like I wish that there was an alternative to Google because I would switch right now. I would switch. I would switch right now. This is, this is egregious to agree to comply with this guy. Everybody's capitulating. No one has a backbone. It's so embarrassing It's so it's so fucking dumb. It's just so like also this solves nothing Just to be clit just like what does that do? What do you get out of this? Like what do you get out of this other than a fucking xenophobic fucking self-fap? Yeah, that's all you're doing. Yeah. There's, but there's all these people that just like love what

he does because to them, to them, it's like this, like he's centering them again. And I think that that's the big problem is that a lot of these people feel like they haven't been centered and they've been centered for so long that they feel like they're oppressed when they're not. And then the moment he gets in office, he's centering them again. And that's so important to them. They're willing to throw everything away. Yeah.

This story is from Atlanta Black Star. Who sent you? Missouri homeowner shoots at teens playing ding dong ditch, chases them down in car, holds them at gunpoint on the ground. Jesus Christ. Wow. You really, I mean, did you ever play

Tang Dong Dutch from New York? I did, yeah. Did you? Did you ever get caught? No. Never? No, no, no, I've never gotten caught. You ever get caught doing any kind of pranks?

Caught? Caught? No, I don't think so. No, no. The closest we got, we had a close call. Me and my buddy were in a, so there was like a house that was next to the corn field and there was this big long cornfield.

It was feed corn, that hard angry corn. And me and my buddy, for whatever fucking idiot, middle school or junior high reason, we started stripping the corn off the cob and just chucking it at this guy's house. Because we're fucking idiots. Jesus Christ, Tom. And it made this huge racket

against his siding and everything. We're just hurling corn at a man's how. I don't even know why. And he sent his dog after us in the corn. No shit. Yeah. And like, so we were like, we're running from his dog through the corn. And like, but the dog was not like a trained attack dog.

It was just like a dog. It's just a dog. Yeah, it's like a golden train dog. So we ran away because we don't know, like, if- The dog. Yeah, right, dog. But I bet if it caught us us it would have been a good boy Yeah, I would have like turned its belly over after whatever it's not an attack dog So like what I say like we almost got caught I mean like somebody was like We were like ah and that was it you know like it's fucking nothing. That was the extent of it. What about you?

so Let me think look I you know we did do a lot of pranks and stupid shit when we were kids. I don't remember ever really getting caught for any of this stuff. I did one time have a gun pointed at me, so I was gonna talk about being held at gunpoint, because I did have a gun pointed at me when I was a kid. I had a gun pointed at me in college at one point.

In college, really, what happened in college? Do you remember that piece of shit Geo Metro I used to have? Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah. So I had a big stereo in college at one point. In college, really? What happened in college? Do you remember that piece of shit Geo Metro I used to have? Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah. So I had a big stereo in this little tiny car. Oh, no shit, yeah. And it shook my windows off the frame and into the door. And I had a friend of a friend who could fix cars.

And so I drove my car to my buddy's buddy's house and he was gonna like open my door up and then put my my window back on the track. Right. And so we're in this cul-de-sac and I'm like at this guy Steve's house and he's taking my door apart and this neighbor comes over and he's drunk and he's like, who are you? What are you doing in my neighborhood and all this stuff. And then he pulls out this fucking giant hand cannon revolver and starts waving it around

and like telling us about how all these people drive down his street too fast and one of these days he's going to fucking put a bullet in the back of their heads and he's got daughters here and someone's going to run him over and these motherfuckers are driving and I'm just like, I'm just, I'm clearly not driving. Yeah. I just want my window fixed. I just, did you leave right away or did you get your window fixed?

My door was taken apart. I like couldn my window fixed. I just- Did you leave right away or did you get your window fixed? My door was taken apart. I like couldn't go anywhere. And he just like waves this gun around like at us, like with his finger like on the trigger. Fucking what? And we're just like, oh, and he's drunk as a fucking shit. And it's- Fucking yikes.

Yeah. And then he like put his fucking gun back in his pants, like dirty Harry or whatever. And then drunkenly wandered back into his fucking cul-de-sac garage dirty concealed carry It was fucking nuts and like the only time I wrote a gun pointed in my direction sure fucking scared the shit out of me I will say yours is scarier than mine. Well, what was yours? Well, I was walking It was right around Halloween might have even been on Halloween I don't remember exactly, but I remember it

was fall and we were by a church where I was growing up and walking. We were little kids, not little, like we were, you know, middle school-ish, like that age. So like young, but not so young, not like little, little kids. But it's after dark and we were walking, I think to one of our friend's houses down the road. And there was three of us. And as we were walking, a car screeches around the corner, slides up to the thing. And this guy jumps out of the back seat. Yours is scarier so far. He has a pistol in his hand and he screams at us,

get on the fucking ground. Get on the ground now. Yours is way scarier, are you serious? And I just ran. I just ran as fast as I could. Now the other guy was on the ground. He dropped. And I ran with my other buddy I just ran as fast as I could. Now the other guy was on the ground. He dropped. And I ran with my other buddy,

and we ran as fast as we could. I was like, well, if I get shot, I get shot. I'm just like, fuck it, I run. So I run away, and the other guy just put his hands on his head and dropped on the ground because he thought it was the cops. And I didn't know because there was no badge,

it was just some guy screaming with a gun. This is crazy. So I ran away, and as I ran away, I think the guys got spooked who were doing it and they just they just got in their car and drove away and the other guy What do you think their plan was? So I I think it was a prank Holy shit. I think it was a realistic BB gun because it was dark at night. I'm not sure it was an actual gun I can't tell you for honest to God

Certainty that it was an actual pistol. I can't tell you for honest to God certainty that it was an actual pistol. I don't know. Looked like a pistol, looked metal, certainly looked like it was a gun and the guy held it like a gun, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. It could have been one of those, you know, those old popper pistols that looked just like a fucking 45

back in the day. You just pull that thing and it had a CO2 in it. Yeah, yeah, I have one of those. And you just load a thing in it. And it looked, I mean, no shit, guys. I know that this is probably the craziest thing for younger listeners, but we had BB guns that looked literally just like a regular gun.

Like as clear as you could possibly imagine. And it was too dark to tell how big the barrel was. That's all. And I ran and called the police. And the police came back and were like, they came by and they did a search and they couldn't find any guy. And the guy said that was with us,

so the friend who was with us who stayed, said that as soon as we ran away, they jumped back in the car and ran away. Drove away. And drove away. So I think it probably was a prank. I don't think they had, if they did have a real gun,

I got real lucky running away or they didn't shoot me. What the fuck? Yeah, but that happened to me when I was a kid, yeah. I wanna explain to listeners how white I am because like to go back to your BB gun, I remember being a kid and I had lots of BB guns. I loved my BB and pellet guns.

They were like prized possessions. And I had two that were pistols. One of them had like a wood stock and like you broke the pistol, you broke the barrel in half and then you read, and then you put the barrel back and that is actually how you primed the air chamber. The other one is exactly what you're describing. It looks like a Colt 911.

It's shaped exactly like a Colt 911, except for it just shoots a pellet or a BB out of it. And then I had a BB rifle. And dude, I would just wander around my neighborhood with these BB guns, me and my friends did. Like we would just wander around my neighborhood with these BB guns, me and my friends did. Like we would just wander around shooting at shit with BB guns, nothing ever happened. Nobody ever called the cops,

nothing, nobody ever like gave us grief. I don't wanna one up your story, but I am gonna do it really quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, one up me man. I was driving down the road with friends and before I had gotten in the car, they had done some shooting at people's windows with a BB gun. So they were driving down the road with friends, and before I had gotten in the car, they had done some shooting at people's windows with a BB gun.

So they were driving down the road, and they shot at people's windows with a BB gun. They would lean out and shoot at a, and then they picked me up at my house. And then I were driving down the road, and they had stuffed the BB gun underneath the back seat. And so we're driving down the road, and somebody had called the cops

and gave them the description of the car that she was shooting at people, not people, but like other gave them a description of the car that she was shooting at people on not people but like Other shit on the side of the road with a gun and so the cops come out Cops get out of their car walk up to the thing and they found a gun in the car It was a BB gun and I was in that car and then they just said guys don't do that again and they let us go We're so white. We're so I'm sorry I mean like genuinely if I was a story anyone's ever told if I was if I was- The whitest story anyone's ever told.

If I grew up in any other sort of racial area and I was black, I'd have probably been killed. 100%. Or at least spent some time in juvie because of that. I will say, that's a story that only could happen in the 80s and 90s, or before. Yeah, right. That's not a post-2000 story.

Yeah, that's not a story now. I can't even imagine if my kids were like, I want a BB gun. And I would just be like, yeah, here, have some unfettered access to a BB. Like there's no way. Yeah, there's no way I would. There's no way.

This story comes from Atlas Obscura. The world's oldest anus has an unexplained glow in Florida. Scientists are studying its bowel movements, its dazzling sparkle, and its relation to us. The writing in this thing. It's amazing, isn't it? It's so good. I wish it was a little longer.

I would totally steal it for a citation needed. It's so close to. I wish it was a little longer. It's so close to being the right amount. Like if it was like maybe 50% longer, you could just use this. Totally just use it. It's so close to being the right amount. Like if it was like maybe 50% longer, you could just use this. Totally just use it. It's so good. So really there's like a fucking like sea creature and they used to be like, yeah, like all sea creatures just have like one hole to shitneed out of like this kind of sea creature. And then they're like, wait a minute, this one evolved the more like useful, you know, evolutionary trait.

It's a tube. It's a tube. It's a tube. Like we're all just, we're all tubes with appendages around them. That's what we all are. We're fancy tubes with appendages. Fancy tubes that slow food down as it goes through, creates waste and then moves on. Yeah. I just like the advertising.

Yeah. That's what I appreciate about this. It glows. It glows in the advertising. That's what I appreciate about this. It glows. It glows in the dark. Yeah. You know what? It's like really like we are like the, we're like the Cadillac with power windows in comparison

to a worm that's just the stock tube. You know, it's just a stock tube. It just eats its way through shit and it's a stock tube and it comes out the other side. We are the upgrade. We have air conditioning. You know, we have power windows, cruise control, the whole thing. Yeah, the whole thing.

Yeah, it can drive by itself. It's self-driving sometimes. There you go, right, yeah. Adaptive cruise. Adaptive cruise control. I want to read a couple of lines from this article because some of them are just so, they're so good. Get ready for a Las Vegas style action at Bad MGM, the king of online casinos.

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it doesn't matter unless you're a Comb Jelly scientist, what do you fucking know? Way to fucking open up the emails, Tom. Scroll down a little further. That revelation was such a big deal that it merited publication in the journal of science. So in the journal of science is the sentence I'm about to read to you. This is amazing guys. Which stated that, the butthole is one of the finest innovations in the past 540 million years of animal evolution. Okay. Hard to disagree. All right.

I don't want to not have mine. No, I'll tell you what. That's a definitive necessity. Hard to agree. Considering how much butter I eat So here's some scientists talking science stuff about science guys Developing an asshole makes comb jellies score high on the evolutionary race He says affectionately and they are voracious eaters. They literally eat non-stop anything they can find including other comb jellies. I Don't care about what they eat at all.

I just love that they're fucking swimming around in the dark, flashing ass all day. That's fucking great. I'm curious about the eating the other ones. It's like, do they make their own turductins? Like one eats one and then another one eats them and then they're like a tube and a tube and a tube and a tube. Dude, if they're eating, if you're a bioluminescent animal and you're mostly see-through and then you eat another

Bioluminescent animal. Oh, you're more opaque. Are you more is are you more blinky? Like are you is it like if I fucking eat a bunch of Christmas lights? I feel like I actually I feel more like it's progressive lenses Like as time goes like they get more darker as you walk outside The more these things they eat the harder they are to see that's a polarized themselves Yeah, I kind of see it, but just at the right angle. Yeah, right exactly I like this story from MSN go fund me raises nearly $30,000 for Indiana pizza delivery driver who was tipped $2 after walking a half a mile

through deep snow. I have a story about walking through deep snow to do a job. Do you remember the blizzard in like 2012, I think it was that we had? So I was working in real estate, I was the same job. I was working in title insurance, real estate business. And so our job is to go close loans. And we had advanced notice of this blizzard.

And it was in the middle of this crazy refi boom. So every day our office was doing 200, 250 refinance deals a day that we're doing. And our closers got paid based on how many deals they closed. Now they weren't salespeople, but they just like, they were essentially all subcontractors. So if I did five closings, I got whatever, $500, whatever the dollar amount per closing.

I don't remember. It's been a long time. So the day of the blizzard, when we realized it was really going to happen, because in Chicago you get a lot of like, it's going to be a blizzard. And then like one snowflake falls on the ground, like they just get the weather wrong. When it became clear that we're really gonna have a blizzard

I was the boss was my job to call it and I was like, okay, I gotta keep people safe We're gonna cancel all of these closings So I have to pick up the phone and make two hundred plus phone calls and cancel all of these deals and almost Everybody was cool with it. There were a handful of people who were deeply uncool with me saying, we can't come out tomorrow. We'll try to get to you as soon as the weather opens back up. Right. Most people were fine. I don't like, but probably 5% of people were fucking irate. Absolutely irate. So one of my closers, this guy, Felipe, he's got the documents and everything. He's all queued up and ready to go. That motherfucking guy wants money. I come back to the office.

I've got like my list of people that are unhappy. Everybody else has got to get rescheduled. I get a call from Felipe. It's been two days by the way, because the state closed down the roads. You were not legally allowed to drive. There was a lot of snow out there. A crazy amount of snow.

Three feet of snow. I get a call from Felipe. Hey man, I got all these packages. Where do you want me to send them? I'm like, how do you have packages? He's like, no, I closed everything I had. I get a call from Felipe. Hey man, I got all these packages, where do you want me to send them? I'm like, how do you have packages? He's like, nah, I closed everything I had. I just walked. He's like, I just drove as close as I could get to the house.

And then I just got out, I left my car in the middle of the street, and then he just fucking trudged his way down the street through like three feet of fucking snow, no exaggeration at times. And it was just like fucking knocking on people's doors. The world is shut down and here's fucking Felipe with his briefcase and his snow pants.

Amazing. And he got them all of his deals, he got them all signed. Wow. It was fucking incredible. That's a guy who didn't want to miss a paycheck. He did not miss a paycheck. He did not miss a paycheck. I used to deliver pizzas

and I was going to talk about the $2 tip. The lowest tip I ever got was I think it was 10 cents. So I used to deliver pizzas and the place I worked at was the cheapest pizza place in town. And my, I know that this doesn't work anymore because now it's Grubhub, but the cheapest place in town almost always got the people who were looking for deals. And I worked on weeknights when people were looking for those very specific deals.

So they were looking for the 7.99 medium pizza so they didn't have to do anything about it. And so when you got there, you got the 50 cent delivery charge which was 50 cents back then. Jesus Christ. And then they would be like, for instance, this one was, it was 12, I think it was 12.92 or something like that. And the person came back and actually, it wasn't a tip at all now that I think about it, because I think it was, it was like 12.92 was the total. I walked up and the guy gave me $13.

And I thought, oh, is he giving me eight cents tip? And he was like, he held his hand out. For the change? And it was 92, so I just reached in my pocket and I pulled out a dime and I gave it to him. And he was like, oh, hold on a second. And he reached in his pocket and he pulled out two cents and he put the two cents in my hand so I could be whole.

And I looked him right in the eye and I threw the two cents over my shoulder and I said, thanks. And I walked away. But he paid exactly the price for the pizza. I had so many people pay the exact price for the pizza though. I would get checks all the time because this is back when they allowed you to pay

with a check. And I would get checks all the time that would have a check and they allowed you to pay with a check, and I would get checks all the time that would have a check, and it would be for the exact price. The exact amount of the pizza. I got that constantly. Yeah, it was- And you got a 50 cents delivery charge. The 50 cents delivery charge.

This is the only job that I ever committed fraud at. So here's what I did. I'm going to tell people it's well out of the statute of- Statute of limitations. So I'm okay here. But this company paid you 50 cents, and then there was no tips. And the company, even though I complained multiple times being like, look, I'm making

less than minimum wage at this job because it's a tip job. And I'm not making any money on these things. I'm making less money than I could be making at a minimum wage job. I was like, guys, this is too little. You got to up it by a dollar or whatever. And they wouldn't do it. But they had in the paper, they had these little coupons that were like, it was worth $2 to me.

So if somebody had a coupon that was, I had to have it at the end of the night to give them all the stuff. Cause if I gave them that coupon, then I got $2. So you clipped their coupons. If you didn't have a coupon, you fucking had one after me. That's for sure.

And I made more money off of that way. Because the company was basically like essentially just working me for nothing. Like it wasn't even worth my gas to work there. That's so fucking crazy too. Cause it's not like the coupon is money for them. Yeah. Right?

The coupon, so they always could have given you $2. Yes, yeah. Because it's not like you brought in the coupon and then they went to coupon factory and exchanged it. Like it's like so that Chuck E Cheese tickets. It was a hundred percent useless Yeah, it was useless in every way. The only way the only thing that they were able to do was keep more of my money That right. Yeah, fuck that was a terrible job. I hated that. That's fucking crazy But it was it was it was the most it was the tiniest wages and I what I really wanted to do and you're putting All that wear and tear on your car

Yeah What I really wanted to do and you're putting all that wear and tear on your car Yeah What I really wanted to do was get in with the good pizza place because I had a buddy who worked at the good pizza place But they never hired drivers and they never hired drivers because those people walked out of there with fat cash every night because the high High-end pizza place in town. Yeah, they always got good tips My buddy my buddy did that exclusively and he only worked Friday and Saturday nights every week. He was off every day of the week. He was off. He worked Friday and Saturday nights and he made enough money to like have an apartment. Jesus. That's how much money these guys... It's like these... It's like these... Some of these servers who make intense amounts of money just doing the

service industry. He made so much money on those two nights. He was like, yeah, I don't have to... I guess he maybe worked one other night a week or something like that. Good for him. But he made enough money for many years to just, he had his own apartment. He had a really nice Jeep. He had all kinds of, he was making tons of money and it was all under the table back then. Oh yeah, right. It's all non-tax money. So it's like on tax money. Man, this is from the Latin times. Bizarre image of cartoon duck, mistakenly attached

to mass termination email, baffles fired employees. Stripe confirmed the inclusion of cartoon duck mistakenly attached to mass termination email baffles fired employees stripe confirmed the inclusion of the duck image occurred in error. The image guys is just a like a little yellow ducky and it says US non California duck, which I don't understand at all. Even after reading the story, I don't understand. Right. And so I guess Stripe fired 300 people, three and a half percent of its workforce via email. Yeah.

And then they randomly included a non-California duck. Well, the first email that went out just was the duck. The first email and just the duck. So evidently the first email was a mistake. They sent out a mistake email to all the people who were getting fired. Now, I guess the person, I talked to a person who knew somebody who was involved in this,

and they said that very specifically, that person that they knew got this email, and they got this email, or they didn't get the email, but they knew someone who got the email, because there's a company-wide slack and a bunch of people were questioning Why they just got a duck and they were very specifically people who were axed later that day And then they got like a harbinger duck. It was like a duck that it was the duck that foretold the future Basically said duck. Yeah, right if you didn't follow. Yeah, we dodge duck dodge

Yeah, right. If you didn't fall, yeah. We dodge, duck, dodge, dive, duck and dodge or whatever. If I ever get fired by a fucking cartoon, I'll actually be okay with that. Like that's the only way I'll be okay with it. Like if you want to ruin my financial life and destroy my family, at least send me a cute ducky. It reminds me of the people like during the pandemic, there was some really bad firings that happened. And this reminds me of that, like it's hard, it's sort of a bad, like leaning back to when the, there was some really shitty firings, but getting a mass email sounds like

a really shitty way to go. Dude, I will admit, probably because I feel a certain amount of sympathy for making some mistakes in the beginning of the pandemic. Pandemic, right? So like, I get, like, I've, in my day job, I've had to do layoffs. And like, sometimes there's a learning curve to doing that well and doing that, you know, in an appropriate and professional way. And so like, I think at the beginning of the pandemic, I think I have like a little bit of grace

for like random managers who are just like, I gotta do this thing. Like everything's in flux. No one's in the office and I don't know what to do. But like fairly quickly, we all figured out a better way to do it. So like everything pandemic, when it was all sort of like the first 30 days, everybody

in my mind gets a little grace for fucking up because it's just, everything's chaos. Emotions are high. Fucking nobody's sleeping. Like people make mistakes. I'll grant mistakes there. It's been fucking five years. At this point, you don't send a duck email. You're still in the duck.

It'd be even worse if the duck had a COVID mask on. Who are you kidding? Nobody's masked anymore. and the duck, it'd be even worse if the duck had a COVID mask on. Who are you kidding? Nobody's masked anymore. All right. This story comes from Euro news. Oh, look at this adorable dog. China's first corgi police dog loses its bonus over workplace misconduct. When I first read this, I was like, did the duck get a, did the dog get a me too? Oh my gosh. What happened? Put its nose in the wrong croin.

Always sniffing ass. Oh God. So let me just read a little piece of this here. The small but determined canine officer lost his year end bonus for sleeping on the job and urinating in his food bowl. Whoa. Look, don't kink shame the corgi Don't kink shame him

He's into what he's into. Yes, you don't gotta yuck his yam. You don't have to eat from that food bowl That's nasty. It's fucking nasty. Actually. You could shame that one. Yeah, I think dogs are weird though, man They do that shit all they'd like eat their own poop and like fucker dogs are dirty dogs Don't know what the fuck like I love dogs. They don't know what the fuck they are filthy animals I love when people are like, oh dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's. No, it's not. That's something that you made up That's not true. You're gonna get a bunch of emails to tell you it's not true. Like yeah, it's just not yeah I just true you just want a fucking French kiss your dog. It's fine Just fucking make out with your dog man. The problem is is it was eating its fucking shit like a tootsie roll.

Yeah! So I'm not interested in French kissing the dog. Yeah, this is a super cute story. That dog looks so adorable in its little vest. It's a cutie. And it's a tiny little dog. It's one of those little short ones. It's got like a regular-sized body with little legs. With short little legs! Little baby legs. That's super cute.

They're so funny looking. That's so funny. That's super cute. They're so funny looking so funny. It's so adorable My wife loves dachshunds like the corgi is kind of like the is like the Kali version of the docks It is yeah, I could tell women is like a short legs You know what I mean? It's like a short like Doberman versus a short leg Kali and yeah, so it's like somebody like Shrunk a regular dog, but didn't get done with the shrink. Yeah. Like the shrinking ray like only hit the bottom of the dog. They're fucking hilarious. Just so you guys, the dog does eventually get its bonus.

It's a bunch of treats to being a good boy. It was able to sit for long enough. Latin times again. Villain for hire service lets weak boyfriends look cool by beating up fake tough guy in front of girlfriends. This is what we live. This is the toxic masculinity of our lives. Thank you. There's so some guy realized that like he looks like a tough guy.

And so he's like, oh, well, hire myself out. So people and I'll have like fake confrontations and then people can pretend to beat me up and then their girlfriends will be impressed. Let me tell you something for all you younger listeners out there that might be laboring under an illusion. Girls are not impressed when you get into a fight. Yeah, the smart ones are like, I don't want to keep bailing them out of jail.

No girl I've ever met in my life is like, oh man, my boyfriend got in a fight and that made me hot. They're always like, fucking idiot, dumbass, knucklehead, stupid shit. They don't like that at all. It's like, this is performative shit for other guys. This is 100% so a guy can feel tough in front of other guys and tell people about it. Also, I don't know that it even happened.

It was like one of those flyers where you're like, you see a funny flyer somewhere and someone took a photo of it and you're like, I don't know that I believe that. I think it's just a flyer that somebody did. I don't know the Latin times as a newspaper. I don't care. It's just a funny story. I think it's a hilarious story. But I think like genuinely, your advice is 100% spot on.

Don't go out looking for fights. Like just enjoy each other's time. You know what I mean? Like if you're inadequate, figure yourself out in other ways. Like figure it out in other ways. There's other ways to boost your own ego and to not pretend to fight another human being.

And on the off chance that you have found the one in a billion girl who's like turned on and impressed that you got in a fight, find a different girl, man. That girl's not awesome. Either that or just go train BJJ with her. Right. Like you and her should go do a combat sport together as a couple. But like, toxic masculinity infects everybody. Yeah. Right, so like there are some people, like that's something I think we sometimes forget is that we all swim in the same soup of patriarchy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so like, we all get influenced and these messages don't, like the messages that tell men what they're valuable for, they're not like, oh for. Women get those same messages and some women also internalize that message. So I don't want to pretend that there are no women who also hold some toxic ideas

about what men should be valued for. But that's not a good person to be with. That's bad. Just as the person who was seeking this out to try to prove a place is bad is in a, I don't want to say bad, but certainly in a bad sense of mind, like you're in a bad place in your mind. If she's not a good part, that's going to, well, you know, maybe you could be one day, but you're certainly not right now. Right. That's what I mean. Like in your present state, you're not fit to do this work. Figure yourself

out first. Yes. Get rid of your aggressions. Yes. Take it out some other way. Go do something else. Go to the rage room. Go to the rage room or go take up a combat sport. Go do something to get rid of that aggression and then move on.

This is fucking great. I love this so much. This is from ctvnews.ca. British Columbia man Sasquatch seeking expeditions used against him in spousal support case. This is an actual news story. This is an actual news story. I'm just going to read it because it's fucking great.

A man's ongoing efforts to track down the elusive Sasquatch in remote areas of British Columbia suggests he's capable of working and therefore not entitled to spousal support. The unusual circumstances were detailed in a recent divorce decision handed down in the British Columbia Supreme court, which makes multiple references to the 57 year old Sasquatch seeking expeditions. His wife told the court he went on a camping trip on Vancouver Island that month in search of the mythical ape like creature and brought along an ex-girlfriend without telling her. Before the claimant returned home, she fired off a text to him declaring their marriage

was over and she never changed her mind. The husband's claim for spousal support hinged on him being unable to work due to mishap that occurred on a previous Sasquatch outing. What is happening on your Sasquatch outings? These are dangerous. Man! You're falling in those big feet tracks, like big feet marks, you know, like they're... outing what is happening on your Sasquatch outings these are dangerous man you're falling in those big feet trap like big feet marks you know like they're I tripped tonight I blew my ACL chasing after fucking Sasquatch or whatever what

like at some point don't you just have to give the fucking squash the W you know like you've gone out squatching twice and you lost twice. It would be amazing if they depose the squash. They ask, they make him come in, sit down and they're asking him questions and he's just growling. And you're like, well, that doesn't, that doesn't help. Can you read that back to us? Yes. And I believe the squash then answered, okay.

That's not going to get a bunch of email from Sasquatches. And if you're a Sasquatch, you can email us at. Oh, it's amazing. I love that this made it as a whole new story. And I love too that maybe the courts have to adjudicate a sasquatch. This went up. Now I don't want to know. I don't want to pretend I know anything about Canadian courts,

but it does say that this went up to the British Columbia Supreme Court. Somebody sits somewhere. Somebody has a business card that says I'm on the Supreme Court and there's a lawyer and another lawyer and they're squatching it out. I love that it's and it really is about doing shit that you shouldn't be doing while you're collecting something that you're not entitled to. You're not entitled to. So that's what the basis of the court, but how is this not a Sasquatch case?

It's a hundred percent a Sasquatch case, man. That's all it is. Would you not bring beef jerky? Oh, yes. That's all I would eat. Yes, absolutely. That's all I would eat. Yes, absolutely. That's all I would, I would just be sitting there.

You're just like eating beef jerky the whole time. And I would have all my supporters behind me in fucking Harry and the Henderson's outfits. You all come into the line, you just walk in a line. They don't say anything, they all just sit there and then one of them's just in a Wookiee outfit. Oh, man. And then they all pull out laptops I would like to call my next witness. Mr. Foot big foot

They're trying to take a picture of him and it's always blurry. So like, oh, can't get a good photo! Get a good one of him at all! His mug shot is juking a little bit, like back and forth. Constantly. Constantly. Over to the side. Nine foot three. Wow.

God. Stories from? Jesus Christ. This fucking was crazy. NBC New York. The fuck? Guys, grand jury indict seven for deadly baby shower shootout hiding guns in the party food You know what's gonna happen like you knew what's gonna happen

And then they after the fact they're like they run around and they're like well shit I gotta hide the gun somewhere, so they put it under like the pink cake They're like dumping like a gun and like a tray of corn, another gun like in the like three tier or whatever. God, that's amazing. I didn't do, I wasn't, you know, look in the corn. It might not be a gun in the corn. Do you remember the movie The Highlander?

Oh God, vaguely. So there's like a scene in that movie where the two villain, like the villain and the hero have a conversation in the church because they can't fight there. Do you remember this? Like the Kurgan comes in and he's sitting next to- Oh, I do remember, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like talking about stuff. And then on the way out,

he like, the Kurgan is like really disrespectful to the church as he leaves or whatever. I vaguely remember this because it's got its decades ago since I've seen this movie. But like, isn't there some sort of sacred ground where it's like, okay, here's the deal guys, we're just not going to do baby showers. Like the rest of it is cool. Anywhere else is fair game, right? Weddings, no problem.

If you're beefing at a baby shower. No, I'm sorry. You have pissed some people off. I wonder if the gender reveal was the smoke color of the gun Oh, that would be fucking amazing No, oh god. It's like a oh, it's a boy When the when the dust settles you like I who had read was red boy Jesus Christ is a lot of red. It's a lot of light red a boy or girl. There's a lot of light red

That's for sure. Who called splatter? Woof. God, that's amazing. Wow. This is dark as shit though. It's so fucking crazy. This is the worst timeline we're in.

Yeah. It really is the worst timeline. This shouldn't happen. Oh man. You shouldn't have a baby shower shootout. Here's the thing, you also, listen audience. It really does make a great title to a movie though. Baby Shower Shootout is a great.

Only in America. Yeah. But most specifically. Who's the movie though. Baby Shower Shootout is a great. Only in America. Yeah. But most specifically. Who's the movie star in Baby Shower Shootout? Ted Danson. My favorite part is how quickly you said Ted Danson. Ted Danson, Ted Danson, like Three Men and a Baby. Okay, all right.

Yeah, all right. Three Men and a Baby is the one I remember from that movie. Wait, here's the and babies is the one I remember from that movie. Here's the thing that is the craziest thing I need the audience to understand is there was a baby shower shootout and you only heard about it on this show. Where is the world gone? What's this in front page news? Right. If there was a baby shower shootout in like Sydney in Australia, right? Definitely. It would be international news. Definitely hear about it. This is like not even a blip. If it was in Sydney, do you think that they would

have hid the guns in a kangaroo pouch? Kangaroo pouches? Kangaroo. Somebody has to have hidden a gun in a kangaroo pouch. And then the kangaroo like bounces away like with your gun. You're like, God damn it, dude. Get back here, Joey. I wanted the photo. Now I gotta chase the kangaroo down all the way across the outback to get my gun back. ["The Scarecrow"]

All right, that's gonna wrap it up for this week. It's a funny show. We'll be back on Monday with a terrifying show. We'll leave you like we always do with the Skeptics Creed. Credulity is not a virtue. It's fortune cookie cutter mommy issue, hypno Babylon bullshit. Couched in scientician double bubble toil and trouble Toil and Trouble, Pseudo-Quasi-Alternative, Acupuncturating, Pressurized, Stereogram, Pyramidal, Free Energy, Healing, Water, Downward Spiral, Brain Dead,

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